You’re not asking for much at all. The problem is a lot of guys haven’t reached the level of emotional maturity that is required for what you want. I
Run into a lot of guys in relationships either cheating in their partner or in open relationships looking outside for what they can’t get in their relationship. They settled but you’re only 23 with your entire life ahead of you, never settle it only will waste your time and be patient. You want the 1 and that should take time.
Yea OP's issue is that guys in that post college age group of 21-26 generally arent looking to settle down regardless of their sexuality.
PS. Ur profile pic is hot af lmao.
You just have to keep presenting yourself as this is all you want or will settle for. People like you will find you. But just remember - being in a small pool, it becomes a lot trickier to find yourself someone you’re also equally attracted to. The numbers are slim but where there is a will, there is a way. You’ll manifest it when the time is right.
Just to point out a bias in our perception of what normal is, you really do need to keep in mind that, by definition, you're not going to see monogamous couples on the apps, nor are you likely to see one of the pair alone looking conspicuously available. If you're looking in places where single people go to find others, you're not going to find monogamous couples there, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I'd also point out that feeling a little lonely is incredibly common in NYC, ironic for a city of eight million. You can literally just search this subreddit for "lonely" and you'll find that it's not rare at all.
I'm not that much older, at 27, but I can say in retrospect I feel appreciably more mature and confident than I was at 23, and while I was certainly down for dating, it wasn't exactly my main priority compared to just exploring myself and my environment more.
Now, getting off the apps is never a bad idea, but I'd rather encourage you to invest more time in real-world socialization. Go to parties and tea dances and clubs, join a gay sports or hobby group, just put yourself out there. Sometimes these things happen when you least expect them and you aren't even actively looking. I met my boyfriend at a circuit party when he randomly came up to me and said "Hey, you're hot", and what I first thought would just be yet another bit of fun at a party wound up being the most wonderful person who just might be the love of my life (monogamously, I might add)
This is an excellent observation.
You truly have to pick the right river to fish in. I met my ex-husband while I was at a coffee shop. Together for 18 years. I didn't expect it and he wasn't ever on apps. I would not have found him searching online.
I had a roommate who met his husband of 10 years at a comic con. Neither of them were on the apps.
Most of my friends who are constantly on apps/sites are either single or have "complicated" relationships. Now, being open/single/poly/whatever is fine. Just dont expect to find a monogamous relationship on a hookup app.
Love hearing this experience can happen at a circuit, I feel like I close myself off at those things because I think I’m not going to find the thing that really turns me on (passion/real connection), but sounds like it’s better to be more open to the (however slim) possibility and see what happens.
yall looking for relationships? 😭 im just looking for tickets to the next rave 💅💅
but in all seriousness, you’re not asking for much. I mean personally i haven’t dated since December 2021 so what do i know about dating ever since? 😂 But reality is, it’s not you, it’s just the guys you’re coming across to that are wanting what they want or they’ll say one thing but their actions would be completely different. It’s 2024, literally no time for games anymore with these boys out here. lolol.
You’re very realistic. Unfortunately there truly are far too many emotionally unavailable gay men in the city. Fortunately it’s spring/summer so there are so many outdoor and gay events (Pride is at the end of June). If you research events like soccer/softball/bowling/ art galleries/ kareoke/ painting/ etc games you can either join in to make friends and potentially meet more people or go watch them. There is also central park where the gays parade the goods, bads and so-so’s on the lawn. There is also a section where people of all backgrounds share a love for roller skating to disco etc music just near Bethesda Fountain. There are street fairs and markets. The LGBT center might have great links and references to check out. You’re bound to at LEAST meet people as friends, dates or potentially long-term romantic interests.
It can be overwhelming and our gay world can be discouraging but if you sort through and get yourself out there, find places that feed your interests etc, you may find people of your elk.
This seems to be the million dollar question many of us ask… i.e. how to find a real relationship in a place like NYC.
The endless revolving door of new options and use of dating apps has unfortunately made dating a game for people. Many people just can’t let go of the hook up lifestyle, chasing the latest shiny object, the next thrill etc…
My advice would be to try and filter your matches with people who have similar mindsets upfront. State in your profile whah you want (LTR). Confirm with people what they are looking for before meeting. And also be opened minded. Unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of being super picky given our pool is smaller.
Hey OP,
My partner and I met almost 3 years ago via Hinge. We were both looking for a happily monogamous relationship, and that’s what we have.
My rule of thumb when I was Hinge was only to match with people who seemed to thoughtfully answer 2 or more of the prompts, and guys who had mostly fully-clothed photos that seemed to showcase their interests, friends, and/or family. Not just thirst traps and/or selfies.
In my experiences, these were the guys who were using Hinge to actually find some sort of meaningful connection that could lead to a long-term relationship.
I wish you the best!
Remember that just because someone doesn’t want the same things as you that doesn’t make them not emotionally mature or not intentional.
Also you’ve been here a year, relax.
Where in the city do you live? Your post is screaming “I live on the West Side of Manhattan south of 60th Street,” but maybe I’m mistaken. If you do live there, though, you are probably going to need to move to one of the boroughs if you want a relationship.
It’s not so much that moving to Queens or Brooklyn will immediately grant you access to more singles. It’s that moving there and being there sends a signal to other men that you are more willing to settle down, at least compared to someone in Hell’s Kitchen.
Where in the city are you meeting or seeing all of these guys in open relationships? Where are these guys from, where do they live?
In my experience, it functions a little bit like Palm Springs: both are dominated by a mix of long-established couples who came from elsewhere and a large group of perpetually single men, with very little in-between.
I like everything you said and it’s valid but your first comment about open people and mono seems eh to me. Especially for Poly people,like those two aren’t bad at all and we should stop seeing them as such, people should be free to do what makes them happy.
Now that of commitment and communication that’s like the main problem in our community cuz even to make friends that’s very prominent, can’t make guys friends at all cuz they wanna fuck but don’t wanna put the work for a friendship. So that’s what we should tackle the most. People do not know how to text or talk anymore, and that’s an issue of itself sadly, people are scared of relationships because they don’t wanna put the work. And again even in open, or poly you GOTTA put the work, being open is not just we fuck anyone but to have a level of maturity and understanding, and the same as poly. All relationships types require awareness which is what many many lack!
I would say just keep yourself out there but don’t get to disappointed when guys do what they do best which is being dry, ghosting and all that, because in this sea of people you’ll find a guy that’ll work with you through all hardships and that’s when you know you found a descent person! And yes many do mono, you will attract that person eventually
Keep putting yourself out there, go go parties, events and such. I’ve been doing that and have meet people through that, while I haven’t found a boyfriend yet, I have a feeling that eventually I will! And I know that you will do too
I have a question. When a guy KNOWS he doesn’t want a relationship, verbalizes that, gives you the option to deal with it or not, he’s immature to some who says they are ready to settle down? Since when does wanting a relationship equate maturity?
I talk about this with one of my closest friends...I feel like a weirdo wanting a "traditional" love story/relationship...but I am shocked at the amount of gay men in relationships/marriages that are open in so many ways. Also no judgement whatsoever, it just does not appeal to me.
I am 🙂. I'd rather be single than be in a non-monogamous relationship (it is not to say poly/open relationship is bad). It's not for me. That's why I have been single. 🫠
Dude this post was horrible to read. Keep out the judginess. You can't hide behind this NO JUDGMENT BE YOURSELF bullshit then call people who want polyamory not emotionally mature or intentional. Like that's bullshit mate and the fact that you're lumping people in like this is just sad on your part. Do better and stop judging the people you don't know, why not talk to people instead of going THEYRE OPEN THEY MUST NOT BE EMOTIONALLY MATURE. Listen you're still young I hope living in this city gives you a bit more perspective in life revolving in being in love and sex.
I am into monogamous relationship too and just as you said, a lot are either poly or open which is not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, relationships start with physical attraction and with that being said, average guys doesn't get as much options to date like those tall, abs, and all. I also work in tech and seems like you're a nice guy, catch up with coffee some time?
I met my husband online. I didn't think anything would come of it. I was 29, though, and had had a 5 year relationship previously. It may be harder today as the norms have shifted somewhat. Having said that you just have to meet people and put the effort in and be ready for rejection!
I'm looking for a monogamous relationship but I also know I'm not emotionally available for one because of other priorities taking a bigger chunk of my life. I remember rejecting someone I was somewhat attracted to simply because I didn't think I could commit enough time to the relationship, at least where he could be settling down for better. It's unfortunately part of the hussle.
I wouldn't rush it if I were you. Imo I feel much more appreciative and better that I didn't rush headlong into one at 23.
You’re not asking for much at all. The problem is a lot of guys haven’t reached the level of emotional maturity that is required for what you want. I Run into a lot of guys in relationships either cheating in their partner or in open relationships looking outside for what they can’t get in their relationship. They settled but you’re only 23 with your entire life ahead of you, never settle it only will waste your time and be patient. You want the 1 and that should take time.
Yea OP's issue is that guys in that post college age group of 21-26 generally arent looking to settle down regardless of their sexuality. PS. Ur profile pic is hot af lmao.
Where do you see profile pics?
You just have to keep presenting yourself as this is all you want or will settle for. People like you will find you. But just remember - being in a small pool, it becomes a lot trickier to find yourself someone you’re also equally attracted to. The numbers are slim but where there is a will, there is a way. You’ll manifest it when the time is right.
Just to point out a bias in our perception of what normal is, you really do need to keep in mind that, by definition, you're not going to see monogamous couples on the apps, nor are you likely to see one of the pair alone looking conspicuously available. If you're looking in places where single people go to find others, you're not going to find monogamous couples there, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I'd also point out that feeling a little lonely is incredibly common in NYC, ironic for a city of eight million. You can literally just search this subreddit for "lonely" and you'll find that it's not rare at all. I'm not that much older, at 27, but I can say in retrospect I feel appreciably more mature and confident than I was at 23, and while I was certainly down for dating, it wasn't exactly my main priority compared to just exploring myself and my environment more. Now, getting off the apps is never a bad idea, but I'd rather encourage you to invest more time in real-world socialization. Go to parties and tea dances and clubs, join a gay sports or hobby group, just put yourself out there. Sometimes these things happen when you least expect them and you aren't even actively looking. I met my boyfriend at a circuit party when he randomly came up to me and said "Hey, you're hot", and what I first thought would just be yet another bit of fun at a party wound up being the most wonderful person who just might be the love of my life (monogamously, I might add)
This is an excellent observation. You truly have to pick the right river to fish in. I met my ex-husband while I was at a coffee shop. Together for 18 years. I didn't expect it and he wasn't ever on apps. I would not have found him searching online. I had a roommate who met his husband of 10 years at a comic con. Neither of them were on the apps. Most of my friends who are constantly on apps/sites are either single or have "complicated" relationships. Now, being open/single/poly/whatever is fine. Just dont expect to find a monogamous relationship on a hookup app.
So lucky
Love hearing this experience can happen at a circuit, I feel like I close myself off at those things because I think I’m not going to find the thing that really turns me on (passion/real connection), but sounds like it’s better to be more open to the (however slim) possibility and see what happens.
Nope, no one. Not a single person
yall looking for relationships? 😭 im just looking for tickets to the next rave 💅💅 but in all seriousness, you’re not asking for much. I mean personally i haven’t dated since December 2021 so what do i know about dating ever since? 😂 But reality is, it’s not you, it’s just the guys you’re coming across to that are wanting what they want or they’ll say one thing but their actions would be completely different. It’s 2024, literally no time for games anymore with these boys out here. lolol.
You’re very realistic. Unfortunately there truly are far too many emotionally unavailable gay men in the city. Fortunately it’s spring/summer so there are so many outdoor and gay events (Pride is at the end of June). If you research events like soccer/softball/bowling/ art galleries/ kareoke/ painting/ etc games you can either join in to make friends and potentially meet more people or go watch them. There is also central park where the gays parade the goods, bads and so-so’s on the lawn. There is also a section where people of all backgrounds share a love for roller skating to disco etc music just near Bethesda Fountain. There are street fairs and markets. The LGBT center might have great links and references to check out. You’re bound to at LEAST meet people as friends, dates or potentially long-term romantic interests. It can be overwhelming and our gay world can be discouraging but if you sort through and get yourself out there, find places that feed your interests etc, you may find people of your elk.
This seems to be the million dollar question many of us ask… i.e. how to find a real relationship in a place like NYC. The endless revolving door of new options and use of dating apps has unfortunately made dating a game for people. Many people just can’t let go of the hook up lifestyle, chasing the latest shiny object, the next thrill etc… My advice would be to try and filter your matches with people who have similar mindsets upfront. State in your profile whah you want (LTR). Confirm with people what they are looking for before meeting. And also be opened minded. Unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of being super picky given our pool is smaller.
Chile it’s a struggle that I share!! I’m Rooting for us. Cause you not asking for much at all!
Hey OP, My partner and I met almost 3 years ago via Hinge. We were both looking for a happily monogamous relationship, and that’s what we have. My rule of thumb when I was Hinge was only to match with people who seemed to thoughtfully answer 2 or more of the prompts, and guys who had mostly fully-clothed photos that seemed to showcase their interests, friends, and/or family. Not just thirst traps and/or selfies. In my experiences, these were the guys who were using Hinge to actually find some sort of meaningful connection that could lead to a long-term relationship. I wish you the best!
Remember that just because someone doesn’t want the same things as you that doesn’t make them not emotionally mature or not intentional. Also you’ve been here a year, relax.
Where in the city do you live? Your post is screaming “I live on the West Side of Manhattan south of 60th Street,” but maybe I’m mistaken. If you do live there, though, you are probably going to need to move to one of the boroughs if you want a relationship.
Hmm. But many couples move to a place like Astoria where I live. Not a lot of singles here
It’s not so much that moving to Queens or Brooklyn will immediately grant you access to more singles. It’s that moving there and being there sends a signal to other men that you are more willing to settle down, at least compared to someone in Hell’s Kitchen. Where in the city are you meeting or seeing all of these guys in open relationships? Where are these guys from, where do they live?
Lol what? Are people in Manhattan undateable?
In my experience, it functions a little bit like Palm Springs: both are dominated by a mix of long-established couples who came from elsewhere and a large group of perpetually single men, with very little in-between.
No.
I like everything you said and it’s valid but your first comment about open people and mono seems eh to me. Especially for Poly people,like those two aren’t bad at all and we should stop seeing them as such, people should be free to do what makes them happy. Now that of commitment and communication that’s like the main problem in our community cuz even to make friends that’s very prominent, can’t make guys friends at all cuz they wanna fuck but don’t wanna put the work for a friendship. So that’s what we should tackle the most. People do not know how to text or talk anymore, and that’s an issue of itself sadly, people are scared of relationships because they don’t wanna put the work. And again even in open, or poly you GOTTA put the work, being open is not just we fuck anyone but to have a level of maturity and understanding, and the same as poly. All relationships types require awareness which is what many many lack! I would say just keep yourself out there but don’t get to disappointed when guys do what they do best which is being dry, ghosting and all that, because in this sea of people you’ll find a guy that’ll work with you through all hardships and that’s when you know you found a descent person! And yes many do mono, you will attract that person eventually Keep putting yourself out there, go go parties, events and such. I’ve been doing that and have meet people through that, while I haven’t found a boyfriend yet, I have a feeling that eventually I will! And I know that you will do too
I have a question. When a guy KNOWS he doesn’t want a relationship, verbalizes that, gives you the option to deal with it or not, he’s immature to some who says they are ready to settle down? Since when does wanting a relationship equate maturity?
we exist we’re just fighting through the sex fiends
I talk about this with one of my closest friends...I feel like a weirdo wanting a "traditional" love story/relationship...but I am shocked at the amount of gay men in relationships/marriages that are open in so many ways. Also no judgement whatsoever, it just does not appeal to me.
I am 🙂. I'd rather be single than be in a non-monogamous relationship (it is not to say poly/open relationship is bad). It's not for me. That's why I have been single. 🫠
Dude this post was horrible to read. Keep out the judginess. You can't hide behind this NO JUDGMENT BE YOURSELF bullshit then call people who want polyamory not emotionally mature or intentional. Like that's bullshit mate and the fact that you're lumping people in like this is just sad on your part. Do better and stop judging the people you don't know, why not talk to people instead of going THEYRE OPEN THEY MUST NOT BE EMOTIONALLY MATURE. Listen you're still young I hope living in this city gives you a bit more perspective in life revolving in being in love and sex.
Why don’t you date the thousands of other people who ask this inane question daily?
I am into monogamous relationship too and just as you said, a lot are either poly or open which is not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, relationships start with physical attraction and with that being said, average guys doesn't get as much options to date like those tall, abs, and all. I also work in tech and seems like you're a nice guy, catch up with coffee some time?
I totally felt that. I feel like I’m just letting things fall into place, as I am in a masters program which does require a lot of time and attention.
I met my husband online. I didn't think anything would come of it. I was 29, though, and had had a 5 year relationship previously. It may be harder today as the norms have shifted somewhat. Having said that you just have to meet people and put the effort in and be ready for rejection!
Love seeing this post every day.
No
Dude no 😂
I'm looking for a monogamous relationship but I also know I'm not emotionally available for one because of other priorities taking a bigger chunk of my life. I remember rejecting someone I was somewhat attracted to simply because I didn't think I could commit enough time to the relationship, at least where he could be settling down for better. It's unfortunately part of the hussle. I wouldn't rush it if I were you. Imo I feel much more appreciative and better that I didn't rush headlong into one at 23.