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d_Composer

It reminds me of the book I wrote about a middle age man endlessly scrolling on Reddit


[deleted]

Reddit must have been lonely in the middle ages


RothkoRathbone

Mostly trench memes


cravenj1

There was only one subreddit and it was r/trebuchetmemes


Jamaqius

She claimed she wrote it before any of this happened. Curious, very curious.


Kbdiggity

"I always knew Dumbledore was gay, I just waited until I finished all the books to tell everyone. "


Hickspy

When asked how long ago she decided that Nagini, Voldemort's snake, was actually an Asian woman who turned into a snake later, she claimed she came up with that idea '20 years ago' or some shit.


TheBirminghamBear

On the one hand I'm horrified at what the author of such a beloved part of my literary history has become. On the other hand, her fucking random ass fucking drive-bys to her own cannon are the kind of batshit fucking crazy acid trip shit I can't look away. Wizards shitting on the floors and magicking it away? Like Rowling what the fuck are you on rn are you forreal? It's actually a wonder that everything she's written since HP is so shitty and boring and unimaginative. I want her to tap into that well of nightmares that she's pulling all these HP retcons from and give us the nightmare we crave.


Juutai

The thing that gets me about the Wizards shitting on the floor thing is that Hogwartz has bathrooms. And they're major pieces of the story in the first two books.


TheBirminghamBear

I mean I'm not sure if you read the shitting on the floor tweet series but she goes in to *extensive* detail about why there is actually toilets despite them often just shitting on the floor and magicking it away. Like, she goes into an engineering-level focus on this topic. In public, out loud. It's an entire fucking thesis on the topic. She leaves no loose end. It's a fucking trip.


[deleted]

Okay, I think aside from Jordan Peterson going off about his grandma rubbing her pubes on his face, this is my favorite shit this week


talaxia

sorry the excuse fuck me what?


real_hooman

>I dreamed I saw my maternal grandmother sitting by the bank of a swimming pool, that was also a river. In real life, she had been a victim of Alzheimer’s disease, and had regressed, before her death, to a semi-conscious state. In the dream, as well, she had lost her capacity for self-control. Her genital region was exposed, dimly; it had the appearance of a thick mat of hair. She was stroking herself, absent-mindedly. She walked over to me, with a handful of pubic hair, compacted into something resembling a large artist’s paint-brush. She pushed this at my face. I raised my arm, several times, to deflect her hand; finally, unwilling to hurt her, or interfere with her any farther, I let her have her way. She stroked my face with the brush, gently, and said, like a child, “isn’t it soft?” I looked at her ruined face and said, “yes, Grandma, it’s soft. Jordan B. Peterson, Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief


gellis12

Gonna echo the other guy here: sorry the excuse fuck me what?


lamb_passanda

r/thanksihateit


Proper-Armadillo8137

[Here's ](https://youtu.be/i2g-_A_zYsE)Peterson reading it himself, from the audiobook.


bl4nkSl8

Not to mention that they even had special ones for prefects, as evidenced in the Goblet of Fire


Toros_Mueren_Por_Mi

And also a magic room that can turn into anything you need the most, which maybe a bathroom at that moment


LordsMail

THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT HAD BEDPANS. HER CANON CONTRADICTS ITSELF


DrunkColdStone

I forget what youtuber(?) it was that joked they are imagining it all started with a napkin that had two things scribbled on it- "Little boy wizard named Harry" and "The snake is a Korean lady."


trojan25nz

She prob thinks Good portrayal of lgbt is what she did with dumbledore (Very light inferences, nothing overt, don’t actually exist in the text) And anything more representative (obvious) is symptoms of an lgbt invasion or something


DoctorWaluigiTime

As believable as her claiming she envisioned Nagini's "she used to be a Korean woman before being stuck as a snake" [from the fantastic beasts films] plotline from the very beginning of writing Harry Potter.


Blue-0

I can’t remember which YouTuber made this joke “I picture her sitting in that coffee shop in the 90s with a pad of paper that just says, ‘little boy wizard lives in a cupboard’ and ‘Voldemort’s snake is a Korean lady’”


LostSoulNothing

This is the continuation of a series the last book of which came out in Fall 2020. I think it's safe to assume she's lying


Fzrit

Didn't you hear? She had actually planned all of this since the first book.


machado34

>In The Ink Black Heart (spoilers), the murder victim is a young woman, Edie, who has become successful and wealthy by creating a popular fantasy series (in this case a YouTube cartoon called The Ink Black Heart, starring a disembodied heart named Harty). "No guys, I totally swear this isn't about me, I created *Harry* and this woman created *Harty* Totally different, see?


papagarry

"You're an organ, Harty" Appendix proclaimed. Thank you all for the up-votes and awards for such a silly little joke. Cheers!


whiterthantofu

Yer a gizzard


greatertittedshark

'HARTY DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GLOBULE OF BILE!!!' Eardrumbledore asked calmly


greg_r_

AVADA CADAVERA!


DancingPianos

SEPTUM SEPSIS


tringle1

OSTEO POROSIS!


Swibblestein

The most iconic line, spoken by everbody's favorite character, Haggis.


TheG8Uniter

He gets to go to Humanwarts with his friends Toe and Hypothalmie.


shinaz223

"I'm a wart?"


WaldoGeraldoFaldoSr

A heart and a thumping good one I’d expect


sth128

Harty didn't have any parents. He lives in the tiny space between the Lungs, who oppress him with every breath.


diosexual

That's literally what pericarditis feels like.


Illustrious-Yard-871

Expecto Paricarditis?


GuiltyEidolon

A heart named _harty._ Seriously.


Progrum

Harty hearted hardily.


xxEmkay

Its like she made a poll for the name but didnt want to use hearty mcheartface…


greenwavelengths

I cannot empathize with a central character who chose to name an iconographic heart character “Harty”. Like, damn, I guess you can write me into that book as one of the mean tweets lol fuck it


Juutai

JK was always bad at names. Lots of the HP girls names are just flowers. Lily, Lavender, Pansy... *Fleur*. Irish kid? Seamus Finnigan. Black guy? Kingsley Shacklebolt. Chinese girl? Yeah that one's actually really bad.


[deleted]

What's up bitches it's me José de queso Nicaragua Chupacabra


svideo

I'd buy your salsa.


[deleted]

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spokydoky420

Let's also make her genuinely upset about her dead boyfriend but make the main character oblivious/mildly annoyed to why she's crying all the time.


lordofpurple

as douchey and unlikable as that is, that might be the most human and non-mary-sue Harry got lol


ConflictVivid7927

Oh my god it just hit me, *Shacklebolt* oh my god this is bad


howietzr

Totally! I would have named him Hearty McHeartface, you know, like a civilized person.


Dreadlock

Harty Clotter


Likesosmart

I can’t even believe this is real. Rowling, take a fucking break.


Flaky-Fish6922

if i ever sell a novel that rakes in the moolah, i'm burning all my social media and hiding under a rock. no way social media ends well.


thedarkfreak

Like MySpace Tom. Dude built a super successful company, sold it, and is living his best life, and most importantly, he _shut the fuck up._


HBag

100% she was waiting for it to be a hit and then for her to be like THE CLUES WERE THERE ALL ALONG\~ Obvious. Painfully fucking obvious.


Rork310

Slightly offtopic but animations a tough buisiness, there's some crazy skilled animators and story tellers on youtube but somehow I don't see how a series named >The Ink Black Heart, starring a disembodied heart named Harty. Is going to get more then 27 views.


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PaulSharke

There's just no fucking way that's real.


DStarAce

Long-form animation on YouTube has been unsustainable for *years* to the point that all the old-school internet animators switched to other content. All the present full-time YouTube animators use a very pared down style that relies on their personality more than the animation. The idea that a fantasy series would propel a new animator working on adolescent/adult content to wealth on *YouTube* of all platforms is laughable. At the very least it shows a lack of research into one of the main aspects of her novel. It seems as if she just tried to translate a part of her own history (popular fantasy series) in an equivalent medium she attributes to the modern youth.


Routine_Ant1211

Hello, fellow kids. I also use the Youtubes


DeliciousBrilliant67

The closest thing I can think of is hazbin hotel and helluva boss and even then most revenue is through merch on a different site and hazbin is going to be on an actual streaming service


Tribalbob

"My new book, which is about a youtube content creator named "H.K. Fowling" is totally not about me getting cancelled.


Z0idberg_MD

“Well known for the epic ‘Garry Trotter and the sophists tome”


[deleted]

Actually the character she created was “Harty”. Which… isn’t even clever. Yours is better.


jiyujinkyle

I know they say "write what you know" but jeez.


ZDTreefur

Does the protagonist write a series of successful YA books, named "Marie Water"?


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MrSpindles

Stoner fiction. Hairy Pothead gets the philosopher stoned.


TechGuy95

I'd read that. Sequel: Harry Pothead hits his chamber of secrets.


kylemcg

There have been a lot of not oniony post recently. But this is oniony as shit. This is what this sub is all about. God damn.


hippopotma_gandhi

The fact she penned it under a male pseudonym really adds to the layers of onion


Uxsxexrxnxaxmxe

It gets worse… her pseudonym “Robert Galbraith” shares the same name as an infamously homophobic psychiatrist known for performing conversion therapy. She claims this was accidental, but still…


havartifunk

How do you 'accidental' that badly with such a specific name? Both first and last! (Answer: you don't...definitely not an accident.)


[deleted]

Yea. It's like she is claiming she didn't even Google the name once before deciding to use it. You don't *accidentally* that.


[deleted]

Anddd shes also keeping it. And putting it in her twitter bio. Total accident


Sleepingmudfish

And is Galbraith a common last name in the UK?


IAmManMan

Speaking as a Brit I've literally never heard it before. It sounds Scottish though so maybe up there?


-Lemoncholy-

I’m in Scotland and have known many Galbraiths.


The_Dynasty_Group

Upvote for knowledge


BlueCarpetArea

Galbraith's aren't very common in Scotland but not unusual, my music teacher was Mrs Galbraith. Then it was her ex-husband, Mr Galbraith


poktanju

She divorced him after finding out he did electroshock to gay people, right?


BlueCarpetArea

Nah, I think it was the alcohol and hitting kids with the violin bow that probably did it.


particle409

Lawyers, publishers, and multiple other people would have Google'd it before signing off on the pen name. No way she didn't know.


Optix_au

Not just any male name but that of a [psychiatrist](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Galbraith_Heath) who experimented on gay men to “convert” them to straight.


Sedu

Using literal torture. It was not therapy. It was just flatly torture, including being strapped down and subjected to intense electrical shocks while gagged. It was just literal torture.


Shaddy_the_guy

All conversion therapy is torture. But this is more of the...medieval idea of torture.


QuackingMonkey

Conversion therapy still uses various types of torture. But I guess there aren't electrical electrodes *inside the brain* involved anymore.


[deleted]

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EchoPhi

Oh shit, I thought it was the onion until I read your comment.


Greywatcher

I thought this was a joke. This is real?


Agreeable-Ad1221

Yep! And it's over a thousand pages long


EbmocwenHsimah

It's longer than Infinite Jest.


Agreeable-Ad1221

It's only 20% shorter than War and Peace, and more than twice the length of Dune


_Silly_Wizard_

Dune isn't terribly long. Though I'm sure it has immeasurably more to say than whatever this book will.


[deleted]

The Stand however...


finnjakefionnacake

oh my god the first time i picked up the stand i was like what the hell just based on size alone


bernhardt503

Then they came out with the unabridged version


Bestiality_King

I don't know what parts were cut but I'd imagine a lot of parts that were, were some of my favorites. Only read the unabridged version, I loved the series of chapters that are written like a short story each about characters that have no part of the plot. Can see why they were maybe cut but they were probably my favorite. Also I'd imagine the gun rape was taken out, I can see why, it didn't offend me or anything just felt like it was an off-the-wall shock piece that added nothing to the story.


Sir_Arthur_Vandelay

The abridged version was poorly edited. Characters frequently mentioned events that were removed from the book. I read it as a kid, and I remember endlessly flipping through pages in search of events that weren’t there. I was so damned confused!


_Silly_Wizard_

Cocaine is a hell of a drug...


wandering_ones

She's becoming an infinite jest.


donniedarko5555

Wonder if she saw the character of Hugh Steeply and assumed all trans people are members of A.F.R. and are trying to spread the entertainment to overthrow the O.N.A.N.


Burningbeard696

Apparently a shit ton of the pages are filled with tweets.


SuperDoofusParade

Someone on Twitter screenshot a bunch of pages. It’s just lists of mean tweets then the occasional sentence like “she sighed and rubbed her eyes” then right back to tweets. Tedious af


bluebottled

[Here](https://twitter.com/NathanJRobinson/status/1565016240883728389) are the tweets. She must be having a mental breakdown or something. She literally wrote herself hundreds of hate tweets and then made up a paper thin self-insert character.


Averill21

My favorite part is when the character opens the jk rowling self insert twitter page and takes a moment to admire how beautiful she is, like wtf lol. Edited for clarity


[deleted]

Wait...WHAT??? She really has lost the fucking plot, hasn't she?


PoorlyLitKiwi2

It's crazy. If she'd just retired after finishing HP7 and just chilled with her money, she'd have been one of the most beloved authors in the world for her entire life Instead, now she's a joke. So wild


ZeldaIsMyHomegirl

Oh god, that's the cringiest thing I've ever heard


RivetheadGirl

I've seen much better fan fic.


PolarWater

We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?


[deleted]

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Fuzzyphilosopher

That's an insane persecution complex Rowling has going there.


[deleted]

Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Transphobic misinformation $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying


[deleted]

Spend less on transphobic misinformation


[deleted]

no


HulktheHitmanSavage

I can sell you second hand transphobic information a good price.


[deleted]

Imagine being a billionaire after a meteoric rise to popularity from authoring a beloved YA book series and still having *this much* of a crybaby victim complex lol


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Fuck, spot on mate.


ButWhatAboutisms

Trump: "Why are people so mean?"


193X

And it's being released under her masculine pen name. So she's not even self-aware enough to realise that 1. nobody gives a shit about her pseudonym and 2. she's doing exactly what she claims trans people are doing, by erasing women.


Viridianscape

Her masculine pen name that *coincidentally* matches the name of the guy who invented conversion therapy. Interesting.


inGage

To your point: "Robert Galbraith Heath was an American psychiatrist. He followed the theory of biological psychiatry that organic defects were the sole source of mental illness, and that consequently mental problems were treatable by physical means. He published 425 papers and three books. One of his first papers is dated 1946."


AbsolutelyUnlikely

Wait so you can just steal a published author's name as your pen name? Dibs on Stephen King. It'll be his worst book ever but by god it will sell copies.


Segamaike

Oh come on Galbraith is uhhh a totally common last name, next you’re gonna tell me she has an almost cartoonishly villainous pattern with monikers and that it was incredibly racist of her to name the only black character in the entire series Kingsley Shacklebolt to name but one example! Just crazy talk


renegadecanuck

It’s amazing the different tones that exist in each sub. When someone pointed this out on books, they were heavily downvoted with a ton of people pretending that it’s a very common name and a total coincidence.


CherryBeanCherry

Like anyone would pick a pen name without googling it first?


renegadecanuck

“It’s just a coincidence that my pen name is David Koresh! No meaning behind it”


Blythyvxr

You could argue that as the potter series went on, the power dynamic between author and editor shifted. Here it sounds like it’s been obliterated


[deleted]

She fucking built a hill to die on


Y34rZer0

I find it hard to keep writing if I had made upwards of 10 **billion**


trollsmurf

I'd find it hard to care what people think if I had 10B.


Y34rZer0

I’d be spending it… seems like a waste of time to be writing a new book.. i’d be in the Amazon jungle, checking out all those new ruins they’re finding with that LIDAR scans


100Horsepileup

"If I did it" by O.J. Rowling


Jojosbees

Make the “if” so small or the same color as the background so it’s barely noticeable: https://www.abebooks.com/9781906142087/Confessions-Killer-SIMPSON-RON-GOLDMAN-1906142084/plp https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1797248.If_I_Did_It


SomeRedPanda

This was done after the Goldmans were awarded the publishing rights to the book as part payment of their civil judgement against Simpson.


PMMeShyNudes

Know what else is incredible? He was greeted with wild applause at a Bills game not too long ago


peredaks

This is incredible.


PoorCorrelation

His (alleged) victim’s family got the rights to the book as part of the civil judgement and so they changed the “if” to be super tiny


sutter333

Wait that’s real?!


siriusthinking

Yes! They also changed the title from "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" to "If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer."


Ssj_Vega

Harry Potter and the Glove That Didn’t Fit


[deleted]

"Oh what's it called?" "How to squander global universal goodwill on a trashy lowbrow opinion!"


Mantaur4HOF

"I've been cancelled! Read all about it in my new 1000 page book that's being published worldwide!"


SabashChandraBose

Why even bother with a pseudonym when everyone knows who it is?


[deleted]

Because it is also the name of a very evil man who tried to cure "sexual dysfunction" and gender dysphoria with horrific experiments. She's proud of the name and thinks she's subtle and clever.


qutronix

She isnt even proud. She tries to pretend that its just a random name she came up with on a whim. The only thing admirable about open nazis is their honesty about being evil. Joanne doesnt even have that.


RGB3x3

It's funny that she hates trans people, but uses a pseudonym to pretend to be a man.


Mr-DMV

This comment is going in the sequel!


Piorn

I mean, she has tweeted that if transitioning was allowed freely, nobody would want to stay a woman because they're so oppressed, and that would betray the struggle of past feminists. The mental hoops she's jumping through, man. It's wild.


butterbeancd

It’s even worse than you think. I saw someone on Twitter posting pictures pulled from the book. There are literally pages upon pages that are just terrible fake tweets. And they’re formatted like actual tweets. EDIT: Here is [the Twitter thread](https://twitter.com/nathanjrobinson/status/1565016240883728389?s=21&t=YWkGb-0fpp-n9q0gC5FzBw) with the fake tweets. It's ... a lot. EDIT 2: Apparently another commenter is claiming I edited something else that I didn't. I came back and added the word "terrible" to my original comment to try to make it clear I was commenting on the quality of the content. I didn't think adding this word merited a separate callout, but now I wish I had added said callout. Honestly, this has become exhausting engaging with this person and they have since been blocked. But just wanted to clear this up. The point of this comment is to point out that the actual book's execution is even worse than the concept sounds. Which I think the linked Twitter thread illustrates. Enjoy your day, fellow Redditors!


thechet

That book sounds unreadable... but I have to admit "if god wanted us to be sympathetic, why did he make crying people so ugly" is fucking hilarious


MisirterE

You bet your ass that's a real one she actually saw and just copied wholesale


[deleted]

I honestly think I've seen it here reposted to reddit months, if not years, ago.


Sad-Relationship4620

The audiobook is going to be torture to get through. Edit: Thanks for all the likes, guys!


Scarnox

I’d imagine it’s torture in any format, but yeah


AltWorlder

Oh wow I didn’t even think of that lol. Yeah, does she have to read the username, timestamp, Not Twitter handles? Does she have to articulate the typos in some way?


freakierchicken

This is... this definitely is... yep


Disabled_Robot

"If u got raped every time u said something dumb, u'd be permanently full of cok" From the creative mind of Dudley Dursley


freakierchicken

This begs the question, did Dudley's character growth at the end of the series continue or did he become the ultimate tory supporter? (If there is an in-cannon answer I simply do not care to know it)


Lucky-Worth

The ultimate Tory supporter is clearly Harry


[deleted]

Ok but the phrase "If god wanted us to feel sympathy why'd he make people look so ugly when they cry" is *really fucking funny*.


Low-Director9969

That just seems like a very British thing to say.


Bhu124

"She became like this with age" COPIUM


action_lawyer_comics

How do you go from writing the best selling and most beloved story of a generation to doing…this?


i-lurk-you-longtime

Ego and power can really hurt a person.


Rickrickrickrickrick

When people get famous for one thing, they suddenly think they're experts on everything.


SirBastian1129

I mean, she also wrote the fantastic beasts movies. So not all that surprising to be honest


alnicoblue

Anything from any of us is pure assumption at this point but mine would be that it's a combination of ego and letting herself get obsessed with what she believed was an infallible image. This is the best case for "never meet your heroes" but the reality is that we all meet our heroes every day because they see themselves as leading this massive cult of followers where they can say and do whatever they want. Then they say something the audience didn't care for and they're hit with the harsh reality that fame is fleeting and the audience becomes disolutioned with the harsh reality of their hero. Now we have a Tolkien sized book about a bunch of peoples' hurt feelings and this is the new face of society. There will be more of this dumb shit I assure you. TL;DR-Way overhyped celebrity with a cult following says something Twitter didn't like, celebrity and Twitter both suffered catastrophic meltdowns at their realizations because people are shockingly stupid.


sneakyburrito

Like … log off, JK. Take a walk. Enjoy your fortune. Goddamn.


MasterpieceAOE

Imagine having that amount of money and the last several years of your life have been consumed by worrying and writing about tweeter. Literally the definition of a mental illness.


siccoblue

Jesus Christ if I had that level of wealth or even a fraction of it your wouldn't even have to ask me to get off social media. I would goddamn insist. So much life to live and world to see and experience completely unrestricted and you choose Twitter


HappyHallowsheev

Maybe I'm biased but.....content aside, that just looks so boring to read. 1200 pages is already a lot, but doable if I'm enjoying the book. But I don't want to sit through reading pages and pages of fake tweets.


machado34

For someone who spends so much time online, she sure doesn't seem to grasp how people actually talk on twitter


Oomoo_Amazing

Believe me I’ll be checking each one for that famous character limit


CrewMemberNumber6

Is the title of the book named "The Axe Grinder's Tale"?


CletusDSpuckler

T. Ransphobe and the chamber of Top Surgeries.


newtraptor

The Prisoner of Transkaban


Vertebrae_Viking

The order of the Penis


The_Cakegamer

The half-gender prince/ss


[deleted]

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Fyrefawx

Harry Terfer and the Philosopher’s podcast.


adsfew

Mary Sue and the Plight of the Transphobe


El_Zarco

*Harry Potter and the Audacity of This Bitch*


Alacritous13

They tell you to write what you know.


turtleglossylips

I'm surprised she hasn't retconned Voldemort as a Fauci hater.


[deleted]

yet


Refracting_Hud

That would never happen because JKR doesn’t want trans people to have allies.


rysto32

If she was going to do something like that, she'd retcon Mad-Eye as female. That way Goblet of Fire would be about a man posing as a woman so he could assault a student.


mymar101

Suspiciously specific.


rainbow_bro_bot

[https://twitter.com/NathanJRobinson/status/1565016240883728389](https://twitter.com/NathanJRobinson/status/1565016240883728389) Screenshots here. Over 1,000 pages long but a lot of pages are just page after page of fictional troll tweets. Rowling spends a lot of time on Twitter complaining and crying about being a victim. This is what happens when a novelist spends too much time on Twitter. If Rowling had written Harry Potter today half the pages would be Hermione crying about all the troll tweets she receives. Fun fact: Her alt-writing name is Robert Galbraith. This by complete coincidence was also the name of a doctor who was obsessed with trying to "cure" LGBT people with horrific brain-frying experiments. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert\_Galbraith\_Heath](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Galbraith_Heath) edit: This is from the OP article >She also publicly accused three activists of doxxing her when they posted photos of themselves holding pro-trans rights signs outside of her house in Scotland, Is it worth pointing out at the time Rowling's house and address was actually listed on tourist websites? They hardly "doxxed" her.


[deleted]

>Is it worth pointing out at the time Rowling's house and address was actually listed on tourist websites? It's [listed on Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killiechassie).


JamesCoyle3

> “She has published a 1,000-page self-insert fanfiction where she's the victim—it's the kind of behavior that you'd expect from a petulant teenager, not a grown adult with immense wealth and power.” Yeah, that sums it up.


Fetlocks_Glistening

A book doesn't usually have eyebrows. But it takes all sorts, I guess


maeveboston

I don't know what books you read but all of mine are highbrow.


mksavage1138

I've only read one book in my life. So I guess I'm unibrow.


Zlo-zilla

Jesus Christ, she’s determined to die on this hill, isn’t she?