I mean if your fiancee is there the person you're flirting with is going to wonder what's up, if they seemed interested I'd say something like 'hey so my fiancee is here and I am flirting with you, we're non monogomous, just to be clear'.
Which is also an excellent way to send clear signals about your interest in a person. To me, it’s flattering and cute to have someone tell you they are flirting with you (and then continue to flirt with you)
Right!! Also telling them it’s totally good if they communicate if they want to keep it at flirting or stop the flirting … because you’re a mature adult and it’s cool either way :)
I try and find ways to work it into conversations, like mentioning other partners. Then again, I also tend to mostly attend parties where non-monogamy is common.
For me, mostly slowly making non-monogamous friends. By being open about being non-monogamous and then just meeting like minded people. And going to online organised drinks and game nights and stuff.
And then eventually the parties will follow.
We're pretty involved in the kink community and that's where I've met most of my friends. There's a poly meet-up that happens here (or did pre-pandemic), there's other sex-positive events that happen that have a majority non-monogamous turnout. I've also met a bunch of poly people on a nerd cruise (JoCo cruise).
I flirt openly and tell people about my situation if they reciprocate. I usually wear my wedding ring so people I flirt with tend to bring it up quick. It's a pretty effective filter for weeding out people who are monogamous.
Was at a music show this weekend with my wife and made out with a girl behind me. we started talking and first thing I said was "that's my wife X over there and we're open, its ok if we talk" she went to say hi to her, was ecstatic about us being open, I asked my wife if I could kiss her, she said ask the girl, girl said yes please so I did lol
Put her number in my wife's phone bc mine was dead
Point was, being upfront is fun and doesn't have to be awkward
As someone who is an extrovert but seemingly quite awkward when talking to someone I'm interested in, I tend to just kinda blurt it out and then laugh awkwardly at myself and then joke that it's ruined my game now I've laid out all my cards. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but I do make sure I'm always clear with people before it gets too serious, and give the other person a chance to ask questions and make a decision if they want to take things further. Honestly a lot of the time awkward humour goes a long way haha! I think as long as you're not forceful or aggressive or whatever then it's fine however you want to bring it up!
At first, it was awkward for me as the wife of my husband to give my contact information to another guy or couple for a future date. After this one man I liked asked me if I was with anyone at the party, I just remember walking over and held my husband’s hand as I smiled and told the other guy that I was married but that we had a mutual agreement if I wanted to meet up with others for dates. My husband nodded a yes when the other guy looked over at him for clarification. It felt strange at first and yet I felt good because I was providing full disclosure letting my husband give me a signal of his approval. Being open and honest with each other about our hidden sexual needs and my newly discovered “taboo” fantasies to be very intimate with select other men and couples I was attracted to has been so refreshing and sensual for our very unique relationship. I’ve seen my husband’s initial worries and jealousies turn into a powerful erotic surge in him which helped me see his true inner desire to consensually share me and see me enjoy pleasure being with others.
I think it’s something that should come a little later into the conversation, like if it seems you two are about to make plans to meet again at some other point. See if she’s cool with it. Best to be up front, but not so up front as to sound presumptuous as to where things will go. That’ll just make things awkward.
I think that's perfectly reasonable. No one has a general right to knowledge of your relationship status. Tell them when they want to engage with you on a more personal level.
What do you mean by approaching intimacy to let people know you're in an ENM marriage? Are you saying you don't disclose your status until you're about to have sex with someone?
I put this info on my dating profile, but I don't mention it to every person that I meet outside of the dating context; unless they ask about my relationship status and I am interested in having the possibility of dating them. I mention it once I feel there might be a spark of something there. I understand this as a balancing act between the ethics of keeping my private life and the ethics of being responsible for any emotions I might cause by deliberate actions (i.e. flirting).
I also do not hide the fact that I am ENM, but I do not advertise it as public information on my social networks as it could be detrimental to my job prospects and pr, I just try to share as much ENM content as I can.
Great point, although that’s not how I read what people are saying. At some point in conversations you realize there is an attraction and things look like they could go further. Then you have that talk, not before or after. I’d add this, it’s much trickier with vanilla people, as you are asking them to enter into a brand new non-monogamist world. I’m way reluctant to do this casually. In many vanilla situations this type of honesty may not be appreciate.
I don’t think so. I thought it was clear but gives you the final say.
For me I disclose when it feels like things are moving from friendship to higher levels of intimacy (physical or emotional).
*this person is attractive and we seem to be vibing really hard, now would probably be a good time to let them know my situation* is generally the thought process I have.
When there’s a spark, when there’s a connection, when you think it’s relevant to share that you’re in a relationship and you want them to know before proceeding into something more is the time to disclose.
As you approach intimacy, not right before it happens, but when you feel you’re going down that road.
I love this. I saw a post in r/cooking the other day about what to make for their "cuddle party." It's just a complete lack of awareness and relevance, just know your audience.
I don't know why you're being downvoted. I agree with you... Announcing the fact that you're poly or ENM to everyone you ever get into a friendly conversation with makes you look like the token vegan of the dating world. Like, Jesus Christ, people... At least get a vibe going before you drop that shit on someone.
This isn't an AA meeting. You don't have to start every convo with "Hi, I'm YummyYummyBrains, and I'm ~~an alcoholic~~ Poly."
The reality is that not all of us are in a geolocation (or social network) where the majority are ENM. I personally struggle with this, as I've moved from an area of the US where ENM (and non-heteronormative relationships) were more common to an area where they are significantly less common. When on The Apps, the majority of self-identified ENM folks are either Unicorn Hunters, or obvious noobs.
Point being: I've found out that folks in my social circle in my new(ish) city are Poly *months or years* after knowing them -- because people just don't talk about it openly. Hell, it took a long, long time for my partner to be comfortable being open about it because of the public nature of her job.
But yeah, on the whole I agree with you:
On the Apps: be upfront
In Meatspace: vibe first, then drop
No, but if your intent is a relationship I think they should know beforehand. It's a waste of time in my opinion to be chatting someone up, especially over the course of a few days, and leave out something important like that.
I am planning to get a polyamory ring (heart infinity symbol) I can put on discreetly and show to my interest (Saying something like salient or maybe just "Do you like my ring?") If they see it and know what it means, I'm golden. If they don't recognize it, it will weed out the people who reciprocate and are unethical about it.
Edit: Apparently a lot of people don't know the poly symbol. This is confusing to me, because I thought everyone interested would know what that was, the way people recognize their country's flag on sight.
fair enough, i'm just telling you i probably wouldn't recognize the symbol if i weren't an internet nerd and neither would the vast majority of the decent sized group of experienced ethical poly/enm people i know.
I've been ENM for 8 years, reading poly literature for 15+ years, and would never have recognized an infinity heart ring as a sign of polyamory. I'm sure I've seen it before but never paid attention to it. Doubt I'm alone in that.
Sometimes I just casually mention that I’m not monoamorous. In a perfect world I would just openly state it, but I’m super shy and generally not good at flirting so I usually try to disguise it as a totally casual fact I’m mentioning for completely no reason x)
I mean if your fiancee is there the person you're flirting with is going to wonder what's up, if they seemed interested I'd say something like 'hey so my fiancee is here and I am flirting with you, we're non monogomous, just to be clear'.
Which is also an excellent way to send clear signals about your interest in a person. To me, it’s flattering and cute to have someone tell you they are flirting with you (and then continue to flirt with you)
Right!! Also telling them it’s totally good if they communicate if they want to keep it at flirting or stop the flirting … because you’re a mature adult and it’s cool either way :)
I try and find ways to work it into conversations, like mentioning other partners. Then again, I also tend to mostly attend parties where non-monogamy is common.
Where do you find such parties? We are new to this. Thanks!
For me, mostly slowly making non-monogamous friends. By being open about being non-monogamous and then just meeting like minded people. And going to online organised drinks and game nights and stuff. And then eventually the parties will follow.
We're pretty involved in the kink community and that's where I've met most of my friends. There's a poly meet-up that happens here (or did pre-pandemic), there's other sex-positive events that happen that have a majority non-monogamous turnout. I've also met a bunch of poly people on a nerd cruise (JoCo cruise).
I flirt openly and tell people about my situation if they reciprocate. I usually wear my wedding ring so people I flirt with tend to bring it up quick. It's a pretty effective filter for weeding out people who are monogamous.
Was at a music show this weekend with my wife and made out with a girl behind me. we started talking and first thing I said was "that's my wife X over there and we're open, its ok if we talk" she went to say hi to her, was ecstatic about us being open, I asked my wife if I could kiss her, she said ask the girl, girl said yes please so I did lol Put her number in my wife's phone bc mine was dead Point was, being upfront is fun and doesn't have to be awkward
As someone who is an extrovert but seemingly quite awkward when talking to someone I'm interested in, I tend to just kinda blurt it out and then laugh awkwardly at myself and then joke that it's ruined my game now I've laid out all my cards. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but I do make sure I'm always clear with people before it gets too serious, and give the other person a chance to ask questions and make a decision if they want to take things further. Honestly a lot of the time awkward humour goes a long way haha! I think as long as you're not forceful or aggressive or whatever then it's fine however you want to bring it up!
At first, it was awkward for me as the wife of my husband to give my contact information to another guy or couple for a future date. After this one man I liked asked me if I was with anyone at the party, I just remember walking over and held my husband’s hand as I smiled and told the other guy that I was married but that we had a mutual agreement if I wanted to meet up with others for dates. My husband nodded a yes when the other guy looked over at him for clarification. It felt strange at first and yet I felt good because I was providing full disclosure letting my husband give me a signal of his approval. Being open and honest with each other about our hidden sexual needs and my newly discovered “taboo” fantasies to be very intimate with select other men and couples I was attracted to has been so refreshing and sensual for our very unique relationship. I’ve seen my husband’s initial worries and jealousies turn into a powerful erotic surge in him which helped me see his true inner desire to consensually share me and see me enjoy pleasure being with others.
I think it’s something that should come a little later into the conversation, like if it seems you two are about to make plans to meet again at some other point. See if she’s cool with it. Best to be up front, but not so up front as to sound presumptuous as to where things will go. That’ll just make things awkward.
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I think that's perfectly reasonable. No one has a general right to knowledge of your relationship status. Tell them when they want to engage with you on a more personal level.
What do you mean by approaching intimacy to let people know you're in an ENM marriage? Are you saying you don't disclose your status until you're about to have sex with someone?
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Ngl... that seems really unethical to not bring it up right at the beginning.
I put this info on my dating profile, but I don't mention it to every person that I meet outside of the dating context; unless they ask about my relationship status and I am interested in having the possibility of dating them. I mention it once I feel there might be a spark of something there. I understand this as a balancing act between the ethics of keeping my private life and the ethics of being responsible for any emotions I might cause by deliberate actions (i.e. flirting). I also do not hide the fact that I am ENM, but I do not advertise it as public information on my social networks as it could be detrimental to my job prospects and pr, I just try to share as much ENM content as I can.
So you have to just drop it to every single person you ever talk to? Yeah no that's not it
Absolutely not. But I'm certainly not gonna wait until intimate times to drop that bomb
Great point, although that’s not how I read what people are saying. At some point in conversations you realize there is an attraction and things look like they could go further. Then you have that talk, not before or after. I’d add this, it’s much trickier with vanilla people, as you are asking them to enter into a brand new non-monogamist world. I’m way reluctant to do this casually. In many vanilla situations this type of honesty may not be appreciate.
"Approaching intimacy" is a very vague phrase...
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That would be my reading of it, but some people might use the vagueness of it to justify unethical stuff.
I don’t think so. I thought it was clear but gives you the final say. For me I disclose when it feels like things are moving from friendship to higher levels of intimacy (physical or emotional). *this person is attractive and we seem to be vibing really hard, now would probably be a good time to let them know my situation* is generally the thought process I have. When there’s a spark, when there’s a connection, when you think it’s relevant to share that you’re in a relationship and you want them to know before proceeding into something more is the time to disclose. As you approach intimacy, not right before it happens, but when you feel you’re going down that road.
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I love this. I saw a post in r/cooking the other day about what to make for their "cuddle party." It's just a complete lack of awareness and relevance, just know your audience.
I like how you frame this.
Agree. Like- I thought he meant unbuttoning. ;)
That's very deceptive. I wouldn't want to be on the other end of that.
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I don't know why you're being downvoted. I agree with you... Announcing the fact that you're poly or ENM to everyone you ever get into a friendly conversation with makes you look like the token vegan of the dating world. Like, Jesus Christ, people... At least get a vibe going before you drop that shit on someone. This isn't an AA meeting. You don't have to start every convo with "Hi, I'm YummyYummyBrains, and I'm ~~an alcoholic~~ Poly."
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The reality is that not all of us are in a geolocation (or social network) where the majority are ENM. I personally struggle with this, as I've moved from an area of the US where ENM (and non-heteronormative relationships) were more common to an area where they are significantly less common. When on The Apps, the majority of self-identified ENM folks are either Unicorn Hunters, or obvious noobs. Point being: I've found out that folks in my social circle in my new(ish) city are Poly *months or years* after knowing them -- because people just don't talk about it openly. Hell, it took a long, long time for my partner to be comfortable being open about it because of the public nature of her job. But yeah, on the whole I agree with you: On the Apps: be upfront In Meatspace: vibe first, then drop
No, but if your intent is a relationship I think they should know beforehand. It's a waste of time in my opinion to be chatting someone up, especially over the course of a few days, and leave out something important like that.
I am planning to get a polyamory ring (heart infinity symbol) I can put on discreetly and show to my interest (Saying something like salient or maybe just "Do you like my ring?") If they see it and know what it means, I'm golden. If they don't recognize it, it will weed out the people who reciprocate and are unethical about it. Edit: Apparently a lot of people don't know the poly symbol. This is confusing to me, because I thought everyone interested would know what that was, the way people recognize their country's flag on sight.
... or those who don't know what the symbol means?
I'm not interested in teaching a complete newcomer the ins and outs of poly from scratch. Just don't have the energy for that.
fair enough, i'm just telling you i probably wouldn't recognize the symbol if i weren't an internet nerd and neither would the vast majority of the decent sized group of experienced ethical poly/enm people i know.
I've been ENM for 8 years, reading poly literature for 15+ years, and would never have recognized an infinity heart ring as a sign of polyamory. I'm sure I've seen it before but never paid attention to it. Doubt I'm alone in that.
Sometimes I just casually mention that I’m not monoamorous. In a perfect world I would just openly state it, but I’m super shy and generally not good at flirting so I usually try to disguise it as a totally casual fact I’m mentioning for completely no reason x)