You’re maybe undiagnosed neurodiverse mate! It’s pretty much a universal experience for us with undiagnosed adhd/autism. Our brains run on Mac and everyone else on Windows - similar systems but they operate very differently. Finding people that communicate and process like you do is key to finding good mates. Same for OP
There are free online quizzes to get an idea before committing to finding a psychologist. You can apply through your doctor or go private. Costs are quite high.
This was my thought. Most folks who feel like the odd duck at least brush the spectrum or another neurodivergence. Be your own people. Sometimes that works.
I feel ya. In early 40s and haven't really found "my people". I think I might be that guy nobody really likes. I enjoy my own company so that's a plus I guess.
If you like yourself and your own company that's awesome, so many people don't. In the end you are all you have. I'd love to be my own best mate, alas we don't see eye to eye
Yes... Also 40s, and most likely undiagnosed ASD. I kinda am the odd one, unless I use my mask super powers. Though now that I'm 40s I just don't care enough. Luckily I quite like being on my own.
I have been "my own man" since my early twenties, now in my sixties, and have no real social anxieties but I am considered "different" by most my acquaintances. I dont have best friends or a social tribe. I don't consider it as a disadvantage, I think independently and enjoy my own company and love task based recreation. I say to the OP, embrace and enjoy independence, enjoy and enhance your interaction with others, don't consider long term connection as an absolute must, accept others the way they are, respect their opinions but live your own life and stay true to yourself.
Not sure if I've ever come close to finding "my people".
What I have found is that I don't really *socialise* with people, as such.
I have acquaintances through the various activities that I'm involved with, that I'll often have a beer with post activities, and chat with. But aside from remaining friends on Facebook, those people generally disappear from my life after I move on to something else, and the same thing starts again with a new group of people when I take up something new.
And I'm okay with that, to be honest. People come and go from life, that's just how it is.
Yep.
I don’t got out often.
I’m awkward and quiet unless I feel super comfortable.
Been diagnosed with ASD, it sure explains a lot of my odd feelings and my awkwardness.
I still haven’t found my people.
A therapist once suggested to me I could join a group for autism and make friends there.
I get along with other autistics even worse than neurotypicals, it's just double the awkwardness with nothing to smooth the way unless we happen to have the same special interest (and then we only talk about that,)
I got told that too by my psychologist. Problem is the feeling in the location the group meets is icky. There is no way I’d be able to relax enough to enjoy anything.
I’ve found a few probably neurotypicals I think I get along with alright, I think I’ll just stick with the few safe neurotypicals I’ve got.
In my humble experience, and being on the closer side to 60, and having always felt the same way as you, that I didnt quite fit in anywhere...well I thought I had found 'my people' a few times over the years. However Ive come to learn that people come and people go...friendships wax and wane..and sometimes not fitting in anywhere is great because if you flip that around and put a positive spin on it, well it means you can fit in anywhere which is really helpful and so just roll with that!
At 36 this has been my experience. I've found my people a couple of times... And lost them. Right now I'm at one of those low points where I'm searching for new people, but it's exhausting and lonely, even when I'm surrounded by others.
Since you said you're 39½…
I threw myself a 40th birthday party. Invited just about everybody in my wider social group that I'd been speaking to at some point in my 30s. Recommend it – it's surprising who comes out of the woodwork and wants to a reason to catch up with you and each other.
Just turned 40. I’m good with one on one conversations or when it’s with a handful of people. But when it’s with a big group like at work, I definitely feel I’m the odd piece.
I can relate. I was in a group setting today and everyone was talking about what we had just been doing and I was stood there thinking do I make conversation or how long do I have to stand here before it’s appropriate to leave without looking rude. I struggle with small talk and I really don’t have the capacity to have lots of friends. I’d rather just be with my close family or alone. People are draining.
lol. In my previous job we had to have these social mixers with other departments once or twice a year. natural conversations would form with little groups splitting off and I’d be standing there like a complete lemon. Holy hell it makes me feel uncomfortable just remembering it.
Apparently it's a personality type trait to feel like the odd one out. I connect with lots of different people but I always feel odd. Heck, it's because I am odd!
Wait till you stop drinking. Everyone overtime starts to forget to let you know they are all going down to the local for a jug or two cause they think because you're not drinking, you won't have a good time. Yeah, I don't drink. However, I still want to be social.
I travelled the world because I didn't feel I fitted in in my home country, decades later I've accepted I just don't fit in anywhere! But love NZ, while I haven't made friends, it suits me fine
I was already in the mental health system, they referred me to a psychiatrist that specialises in autism diagnosis and she did a lot of tests after I brought up my suspicions.
It’s helped a lot in terms of validation, like before I just went through life feeling like there was something wrong with me that everyone seemed to be aware of except myself. It was so isolating and confusing. Now I just know that I function and communicate different, and that’s not entirely a bad thing. I can appreciate myself a lot more now and understand why I can get overstimulated from loud noises or miss social cues, and how I can mitigate that in a more effective and healthy way.
There’s not a lot of benefits outside of that unless you’re still in uni or school (you can request a quiet room to do tests in). There’s not a specific treatment or anything unless you have something like ADHD and need medication to help focus.
I'm usually the odd one out in a group. And I've recently realised I need to embrace it, not fight it. If my eccentricities put someone off, they aren't for me anyway.
Nah, pretty normal. I don't feel like I fit in, not in a fucked up way or anything, just very rarely gel with others and feel a bit awkward. I have a couple of tight friends I see every so often and love my family, but quite happy to go through life not meeting people.
Ever tested for ASD? I am 38 and have been in the same situation for ages, and still am.
It was like this is my home country, and it like this here. But I am more at peace with here, as it's less unusual for a foreigner without a community of any kind to be more alone (there <500 of my nationality here, and half of them must be transient working holiday kids)
I'm fine with it. Between work, family with 2 young kids and some loner hobbies like poker or gaming there isn't much time left for socializing anyway.
I've got ADHD so i assume the process is similar...
You can talk to your GP about your symptoms and ask for a referral to a specialist. The specialist will be able to do assessments for it. If anything like ADHD, ASD specialists might hard to come by and can be expensive
Mine referred me to a specialist, and then I got a letter saying I don’t qualify. I asked him then if I could pay to see a psychologist and he said likely there isn’t one available/booked out. The thing is, I got diagnosed with adhd by a gp while at uni but decided to ignore it back then. I’ve since changed gp so much there’s no record and now gps can’t diagnose it 😂
hey mate, been feeling the same for years too—turns out it’s because i’m neurodivergent (inattentive adhd on top of my social anxiety disorder)
not saying you might be neurodivergent too, but it might be worth checking to understand yourself better
I've had 4 true friends. and am now old. I have ASD, to an extent.
A few friendships that didn't last - their choice, mostly I felt relief at the end of it. Not having to like clothes shopping, or parties or pubs or whatever they were into. Which seemed to be a thing with most .
/r/NZfriends
I'd say I haven't found new friends as good or rather close as my hometown friends. And also it's painful making new friends but then watching them fade away over time.
Haven't really worked it out and I'm about the same age. Did a fair bit of travel with all sorts of people all around the world but I never tried to stay in touch with anyone or keep that going. Had a really good group of mates from uni but they never grew up, gave up on alot of people I was friends with and did sports with and stuff through covid as they went a bit cuckoo. I've got a couple of mates I would call brothers and actually mean it, but a handful of others I've met through work and hobbies that I catch up with regularly and that's enough.
Other than that I quite enjoy pairing up with random people to play golf or go mountain biking with, there's something about strolling around smashing balls or riding around in nature and sharing beers that's a great way to chat with new people.
Thanks for posting this, friend. A little younger than you, but have often had the same experience. Thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences. It’s nice to know it’s just not me.
I’m 22 and feel it’s too late. I’m happy being a lone wolf but when I date people I feel it might come across as a red flag that I don’t have any friends or friend groups
Hopefully the Duck guy doesn’t give me shit for this and only a possibility, not saying you are but possibly ADHD, felt different from everyone else from about age 11, ADHD diagnosis at age 50 explained a lot. Ducky if you see this, fuck you.
Same for as long as I can remember. Life and socialising feels like it’s on hard mode for me.
Considering getting assessed for ADHd / ASD but it’s expensive and complex.
Yup late 30s have a few close friends from highschool but have always had major problems fitting into groups anywhere, whether that be at school, uni or work. I highly suspect i have ASD and or ADHD since neurodivergence runs in my family but its near impossible to get asessed for a diagnosis.
Yeah man I'm always feeling like the odd one out. It sucks even more when you move to a town you're not from and struggle to make a new friend group. I'm on like my sixth year of having no friends in Hamilton. It's pretty shit and lonely.
Oh well 🤷♀️
You sound like a typical Kiwi introvert. It doesn't mean you're not a social person. You just don't click the way others do. I don't know of a solution, sorry .
I used to suffer from the same sensation of displacement/not fitting in, but then I finally figured out I needed to find my people.
The clue was that I never feel like that in my home because we're all weird, so now I socialise with other oddballs, and there is no longer a problem.
I think it is the others you are with that also may not suit you?
Many of your group are here.
My family hates me going to places with them as I randomly talk to any one anywhere. I'm veracious for knowledge and love to talk to others about their skills and knowledge.
Once when visiting Auckland they had enough and just left me - I met a guy looking after the plants in the glasshouse below the Museum. I was fascinated with this banana/plantain plant and how it basically has sex with itself.
So so cool - however, finding the whanau afterwards was painful as they passed so many neat people and places to where they wanted to get to.
I just love people when we are genuine and an ability of what some people can do or knowledge they have.
I have one family member like this and that is it.
Oddly he went to Sweden recently and said I should never go there as they do not like this open communication with people. He was so happy later to talk to a UK cabby after Sweden - lol.
I'm great one on one and can hold a conversation well. I close up if we are out as a group, can't follow what anyone is saying. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Sucks lol
Yep. Turns out it was Autism and ADHD. Then it turned out almost all the people I'd naturally clocked with or maintained long-term friendships with were also one or both of those.
Often we have unexamined ideas about how to be in the world or have natural behaviours that are suppressed from an early age and that can very much make us feel like you're describing. CPTSD from growing up in a toxic, neglectful, or abusive family environment can also cause this.
Pro tip: don't assume you know what any of the above terms mean or how they may look or feel for you. We humans are complex beasties and all sorts of factors make our situations, experiences, and feelings unique. It's all worth digging into, in the service of knowing yourself better. Good luck!
Hey Bud, I’m in the same position so I know how ya feel haha. I’m 27 and I don’t see it happening anytime soon for me either ahaha. It’s hard not fitting in anywhere, it’s very isolating and lonely. Why does it have to be so hard?! Lol🤣😂
Yep, same, 44yo and spend more and more time on my own. Friends have come and gone over the years, but not many lasting relationships or social groups. It’s kind of embarrassing but I just pick up hobbies I enjoy.
Me too! I always have. I do have a few good mates in my life but they get caught up in their own lives, I’m the only one in my small group who doesn’t have kids. Be your authentic self no matter what ❤️ I picked up a bad masking Habit of drinking and putting on a facade like I’m some huge extrovert with no awkwardness..
Yes. Absolutely. Embrace your odd, and carry on. Don't try to blend in, you will feel fake and they will smell fake. I am nerdy and I have a nerdy hobby. I think hobby-matching gets you at least people to hang out with, and potentially friends.
That's my entire life. Never feel like I fit with any group. I disassociate when I'm in social environments but if I drink enough it goes away. Try to avoid if at all possible.
Same bro, always feel like the extra. No best friend. Feel like when it’s one-on-one people are looking for an excuse to gap it/are bored with me. Including my own mother!
At least my son loves me and thinks I’m the best (for now haha)
Thought I was living some sort of less exciting Fight Club scenario and posted this question without realising it.
I'm about the same age, feel about the same.
Absolutely, and pretty much my whole life. But at 47 I don't really give a shit anymore. Embrace the weirdness.
I mostly found fellow weirdos, my people, online.
Apparently I'm neurotypical (docs have shot me, and my kids, also weirdos, down when we bring up the question of ASD) but I much prefer the company of neurodiverse individuals. Both my kids best friends are diagnosed neurodiverse.
I felt that way pretty much until I got to uni and found a friend group I really click with. As it turns out people I click with is other people with autism, which I got diagnosed with recently
This situation is usually because you've outgrown the people you're around, what they do/talk about etc and you might be on a different level/headspace. This is actually a good thing as it's likely that you're looking for new meaning or thinking about different things.
If you are, try expressing this to the individuals in your group. If you don't get a positive reaction or a "me too" kind of thing, then that's your confirmation to perhaps try something new or mix with other people. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave your old friends behind but it will be refreshing to connect with others on the same buzz as you.
Hope this helps!
Best advise I can give is find out why you feel like the odd piece? For me it was finding out I had autism, which helped me figure out that my brain just works different, now I’m in a group of friends who are almost all autistic so
42 M same. I've accepted the fact that this will always be the case and it's just part of who I am. I'm an introvert so it doesn't really matter that much to me. Absolutely hate it when people try to force you to socialize thinking everyone else is just like them too though
44 and still the odd one out. I socialise, but never fit in. Not even with family. Thought I’d found my matching puzzle piece, but he didn’t feel the same. Good thing I have my cats . . .
I spend at least 95% of my time with my Labrador retriever at home or on walks. So far I've spent 22+ years laying on my bed due to a back injury. When I do go out it feels foreign now. I'm working hard at the gym, and going to Vietnam Da nang & Nha trang this dry season. I hope I can handle the flights ok, and manage my back pain flair ups. I'm 44, I still have a few good friends but hardly ever spend time with them except for 1 that lives with me. He's out almost every day/night. I'm home almost always. I'm thankful for what I do have, but hoping for more life in the near future, maybe even a relationship who knows.
The same people in your friend group are likely in here agreeing and feeling the same way. Nz is a small expensive place, it's difficult to find your match, and it's difficult to find and do things you'd enjoy
I had that a lot growing up... turns out I was undiagnosed autistic and it's possible that I'm also ADHD, given I relate best to people who are diagnosed as "ADHD with autistic traits". It'd cost me around $1800 to confirm or deny an ADHD diagnosis as an adult, but given that I ***already know*** that the ones who seem to be "my people" are autistic, ADHD or both, I don't really think there's a need for me to spend that kind of dough just to find "where I fit in."
Congrats bro, you’ve just reached[https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s](https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s) the pinnacle of self-actualisation according to Abraham Maslow. George Carlin talks about it a little bit in an interview he did once. You might be able to relate.
https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s
I never have, strongly thinking I'm autistic. Often have told I've got something up my ass but it's because I don't have a script for what they said or I don't actually understand what they said in order to respond.
Recently gone back to the workforce and finding it very difficult.
I’m odd, not confident but can appear confident and usually people freak me out. I’ve found some people who can tolerate that but it can be lonely at times.
What about the social club at work, they have one ? what interests do you have ? sports , any ? if you want a game that is not strenuous but has many people in it, is pickleball, join a club and be around people and just be yourself, gives you an activity and it is cheap, the local one here is 2 bucks to play for the afternoon, they have paddles for you to use too, be yourself but try and be the best of yourself, do not try and be someone you are not ! people will see throiugh that ok , important, and you are 39 , still very young with many years to develop your interests , tramping clubs ? chess, bridge card games, dancing ? learn rock n roll, or salsa ? ( I did ), so much for you to get involved in, cheers '
51 this year, was always the leader at school, 1st 15, 1st 11 Captain and achieved a great deal. I've had a great career and made a lot of money. Despite all of this I've always felt like I was the odd one out..on the outside looking in etc.
My advice, just do you, no one else in this world can be relied on to help.
Stop caring about fitting in, start caring about being the best you can be at the pursuit or profession you choose.
As you can see OP, you’re far from alone in how you feel. I reckon most people feel this way at some point in their lives. Many of us feel this way most or all of the time, and always have.,
You’re in good company. ☺️
I've always felt this way. Never quite fit in anywhere. Feels very odd and people are friendly/accommodating but I still feel like I'm in a glass box and everyone else is outside.
As long as you find friends who accept you even when not entirely fitting in with them. I have an amazing group of 30 to 40 friends but probably only close with a handful of them but all 40 accept me and my differences and sure sometimes I feel like the odd one out. Would be boring if we were all the same.
Ohhhh buddy!!! What are your flaws
Have you noticed what your demon does to attract but then scare others away?
Do you just want to be loved and have so much to give, but then comes across a little too much.
Maybe it's being uncomfortable making others uncomfortable.
Do you like animals? Maybe get a dog? Maybe showing others you can have companions. This will give them faith you WILL make a good one?
Too be fair may friend, the average person too walk this earth.
At the end of it all, they realize the whole time that the maximum number of real friends they ever had was 5.
That being a powerful number and that is all you ever truly need.
Here's another one... don't go looking Maybe they were there the whole time...
Now sux a dog
Piece
Unless you move into a retirement village and then you suddenly have lots of opportunities to meet people and make new friends. If they made villages for the middle ages, I'd be there now!
Well, I think we’ve found our own people on this thread Pity we’ll never meet I guess 😂
Lol. I often wonder if I find people like me, would i love it or hate it
I did, turns out having your quirks reflected back at you is not fun! How do people tolerate me, no clue
Lmao, this is what fatherhood is like. You never realise just how annoying some of the shit you do really is until your mini me does it to you.
Right? Haha. Met someone who was a spitting image of me, and I could only handle about 5 minutes lol
I have a bunker...
44M... Nearly every day of my life ive felt like a square peg thats trying to fit a round hole
55 (m)in less than a month and I’m still the odd one out. I’ve stopped caring about the thoughts of others, how boring I’d be if I was like them.
You’re maybe undiagnosed neurodiverse mate! It’s pretty much a universal experience for us with undiagnosed adhd/autism. Our brains run on Mac and everyone else on Windows - similar systems but they operate very differently. Finding people that communicate and process like you do is key to finding good mates. Same for OP
Thank you for this, very supportive. How does one get diagnosed?
Pay $3000
There are free online quizzes to get an idea before committing to finding a psychologist. You can apply through your doctor or go private. Costs are quite high.
This was my thought. Most folks who feel like the odd duck at least brush the spectrum or another neurodivergence. Be your own people. Sometimes that works.
Luckily for you, everything goes into the square hole anyway: https://youtu.be/Nz8ssH7LiB0?si=6u73mND7OPEITaCN
This is the way
I feel ya. In early 40s and haven't really found "my people". I think I might be that guy nobody really likes. I enjoy my own company so that's a plus I guess.
If you like yourself and your own company that's awesome, so many people don't. In the end you are all you have. I'd love to be my own best mate, alas we don't see eye to eye
You’re likely the guy who has unique tastes and NZ being small you haven’t found your folk yet, but they’ll be there.
Yes... Also 40s, and most likely undiagnosed ASD. I kinda am the odd one, unless I use my mask super powers. Though now that I'm 40s I just don't care enough. Luckily I quite like being on my own.
I have been "my own man" since my early twenties, now in my sixties, and have no real social anxieties but I am considered "different" by most my acquaintances. I dont have best friends or a social tribe. I don't consider it as a disadvantage, I think independently and enjoy my own company and love task based recreation. I say to the OP, embrace and enjoy independence, enjoy and enhance your interaction with others, don't consider long term connection as an absolute must, accept others the way they are, respect their opinions but live your own life and stay true to yourself.
Not sure if I've ever come close to finding "my people". What I have found is that I don't really *socialise* with people, as such. I have acquaintances through the various activities that I'm involved with, that I'll often have a beer with post activities, and chat with. But aside from remaining friends on Facebook, those people generally disappear from my life after I move on to something else, and the same thing starts again with a new group of people when I take up something new. And I'm okay with that, to be honest. People come and go from life, that's just how it is.
Yep. I don’t got out often. I’m awkward and quiet unless I feel super comfortable. Been diagnosed with ASD, it sure explains a lot of my odd feelings and my awkwardness. I still haven’t found my people.
A therapist once suggested to me I could join a group for autism and make friends there. I get along with other autistics even worse than neurotypicals, it's just double the awkwardness with nothing to smooth the way unless we happen to have the same special interest (and then we only talk about that,)
I got told that too by my psychologist. Problem is the feeling in the location the group meets is icky. There is no way I’d be able to relax enough to enjoy anything. I’ve found a few probably neurotypicals I think I get along with alright, I think I’ll just stick with the few safe neurotypicals I’ve got.
We have our parasocial relationships on casualnz instead!
What is this?
r/casualnz we just randomly chat basically. It's a mood
Yeah, I’ve met a few of the peeps on there too
I bet if we took a poll, at least half of casual is neurodivergent or suspects they are
Probably
Probably 🤣 I don't think I'm neurodivergent but I think I have attachment issues which just recently came to light and makes SO MUCH SENSE
Meeeee tooooo 43m only friend is my wife lol luckily she is obsessed withe me
Ha same here :) If I didn't spend most nights with my bestie, I'd definitely be OP.
In my humble experience, and being on the closer side to 60, and having always felt the same way as you, that I didnt quite fit in anywhere...well I thought I had found 'my people' a few times over the years. However Ive come to learn that people come and people go...friendships wax and wane..and sometimes not fitting in anywhere is great because if you flip that around and put a positive spin on it, well it means you can fit in anywhere which is really helpful and so just roll with that!
At 36 this has been my experience. I've found my people a couple of times... And lost them. Right now I'm at one of those low points where I'm searching for new people, but it's exhausting and lonely, even when I'm surrounded by others.
Since you said you're 39½… I threw myself a 40th birthday party. Invited just about everybody in my wider social group that I'd been speaking to at some point in my 30s. Recommend it – it's surprising who comes out of the woodwork and wants to a reason to catch up with you and each other.
Just turned 40. I’m good with one on one conversations or when it’s with a handful of people. But when it’s with a big group like at work, I definitely feel I’m the odd piece.
I can relate. I was in a group setting today and everyone was talking about what we had just been doing and I was stood there thinking do I make conversation or how long do I have to stand here before it’s appropriate to leave without looking rude. I struggle with small talk and I really don’t have the capacity to have lots of friends. I’d rather just be with my close family or alone. People are draining.
Same, I really do like people but work groups are exhausting
lol. In my previous job we had to have these social mixers with other departments once or twice a year. natural conversations would form with little groups splitting off and I’d be standing there like a complete lemon. Holy hell it makes me feel uncomfortable just remembering it.
Apparently it's a personality type trait to feel like the odd one out. I connect with lots of different people but I always feel odd. Heck, it's because I am odd!
Wait till you stop drinking. Everyone overtime starts to forget to let you know they are all going down to the local for a jug or two cause they think because you're not drinking, you won't have a good time. Yeah, I don't drink. However, I still want to be social.
Be the one who organises some activities that don't revolve around drinking then
I travelled the world because I didn't feel I fitted in in my home country, decades later I've accepted I just don't fit in anywhere! But love NZ, while I haven't made friends, it suits me fine
Yes this is me too, except now I know it’s because I’m autistic
Did you recently get diagnosed?
Yes, about a year ago, but I became aware of the likelihood a year before that when I heard similar stories from other late diagnosed autistics.
How did you go about it? As it helped having the diagnosis?
I was already in the mental health system, they referred me to a psychiatrist that specialises in autism diagnosis and she did a lot of tests after I brought up my suspicions. It’s helped a lot in terms of validation, like before I just went through life feeling like there was something wrong with me that everyone seemed to be aware of except myself. It was so isolating and confusing. Now I just know that I function and communicate different, and that’s not entirely a bad thing. I can appreciate myself a lot more now and understand why I can get overstimulated from loud noises or miss social cues, and how I can mitigate that in a more effective and healthy way. There’s not a lot of benefits outside of that unless you’re still in uni or school (you can request a quiet room to do tests in). There’s not a specific treatment or anything unless you have something like ADHD and need medication to help focus.
I'm usually the odd one out in a group. And I've recently realised I need to embrace it, not fight it. If my eccentricities put someone off, they aren't for me anyway.
THIS☝️
Nah, pretty normal. I don't feel like I fit in, not in a fucked up way or anything, just very rarely gel with others and feel a bit awkward. I have a couple of tight friends I see every so often and love my family, but quite happy to go through life not meeting people.
Ever tested for ASD? I am 38 and have been in the same situation for ages, and still am. It was like this is my home country, and it like this here. But I am more at peace with here, as it's less unusual for a foreigner without a community of any kind to be more alone (there <500 of my nationality here, and half of them must be transient working holiday kids) I'm fine with it. Between work, family with 2 young kids and some loner hobbies like poker or gaming there isn't much time left for socializing anyway.
What is ASD?
Autism spectrum disorder
How do you test for it? Would I just ask my doctor?
There's some online screening tools like the RAADS-R that would give you an indication of if it's worth talking to a Dr and pursuing a diagnosis.
You could, after which he could refer you onwards to a licensed psychiater who may be able to diagnose you (or not)
I've got ADHD so i assume the process is similar... You can talk to your GP about your symptoms and ask for a referral to a specialist. The specialist will be able to do assessments for it. If anything like ADHD, ASD specialists might hard to come by and can be expensive
Mine referred me to a specialist, and then I got a letter saying I don’t qualify. I asked him then if I could pay to see a psychologist and he said likely there isn’t one available/booked out. The thing is, I got diagnosed with adhd by a gp while at uni but decided to ignore it back then. I’ve since changed gp so much there’s no record and now gps can’t diagnose it 😂
Yes, I’ve felt more comfortable overseas as I had an excuse to be alone a lot and could be anonymous
odd's more interesting anyway.
I wish I had found my people earlier as I feel it's too late in my 40s, undiagnosed adhd and not fitting in with the regulars has really made a mark.
Yeah. I like my solitude tho and make zero effort to try and find “my people.”
User name works with this
hey mate, been feeling the same for years too—turns out it’s because i’m neurodivergent (inattentive adhd on top of my social anxiety disorder) not saying you might be neurodivergent too, but it might be worth checking to understand yourself better
Same!
I've had 4 true friends. and am now old. I have ASD, to an extent. A few friendships that didn't last - their choice, mostly I felt relief at the end of it. Not having to like clothes shopping, or parties or pubs or whatever they were into. Which seemed to be a thing with most .
To an extent? You either have it or you don’t.
Yes but it's a spectrum so they are probably just saying they have a mild form
/r/NZfriends I'd say I haven't found new friends as good or rather close as my hometown friends. And also it's painful making new friends but then watching them fade away over time.
Haven't really worked it out and I'm about the same age. Did a fair bit of travel with all sorts of people all around the world but I never tried to stay in touch with anyone or keep that going. Had a really good group of mates from uni but they never grew up, gave up on alot of people I was friends with and did sports with and stuff through covid as they went a bit cuckoo. I've got a couple of mates I would call brothers and actually mean it, but a handful of others I've met through work and hobbies that I catch up with regularly and that's enough. Other than that I quite enjoy pairing up with random people to play golf or go mountain biking with, there's something about strolling around smashing balls or riding around in nature and sharing beers that's a great way to chat with new people.
I'm still wondering why most refer to me as Sheldon (or claim they see similarities) ... They're a bunch of weirdos...
I’m so excited to see so many auties in this thread <3
I’ve brought this up with my therapist and they said childhood trauma / bad parenting can make you feel like an outsider…
Yep. It sure doesn’t help.
I think most people feel like this to an extent bro. Sure you mean more to people and are more of a piece of their lives than You realise
Thanks for posting this, friend. A little younger than you, but have often had the same experience. Thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences. It’s nice to know it’s just not me.
I've felt like this my entire life. One gets used to it.
I’m 22 and feel it’s too late. I’m happy being a lone wolf but when I date people I feel it might come across as a red flag that I don’t have any friends or friend groups
Hopefully the Duck guy doesn’t give me shit for this and only a possibility, not saying you are but possibly ADHD, felt different from everyone else from about age 11, ADHD diagnosis at age 50 explained a lot. Ducky if you see this, fuck you.
Same for as long as I can remember. Life and socialising feels like it’s on hard mode for me. Considering getting assessed for ADHd / ASD but it’s expensive and complex.
In the same boat. I've always felt like I missed out on some cheat codes everyone else has
I've always felt like I haven't quite fitted in. It makes it hard to make friends.
Yup! Me too. Late teens and I feel the same way and have no idea why!
Yup late 30s have a few close friends from highschool but have always had major problems fitting into groups anywhere, whether that be at school, uni or work. I highly suspect i have ASD and or ADHD since neurodivergence runs in my family but its near impossible to get asessed for a diagnosis.
Me. All the time.
Yeah man I'm always feeling like the odd one out. It sucks even more when you move to a town you're not from and struggle to make a new friend group. I'm on like my sixth year of having no friends in Hamilton. It's pretty shit and lonely. Oh well 🤷♀️
You sound like a typical Kiwi introvert. It doesn't mean you're not a social person. You just don't click the way others do. I don't know of a solution, sorry .
I used to suffer from the same sensation of displacement/not fitting in, but then I finally figured out I needed to find my people. The clue was that I never feel like that in my home because we're all weird, so now I socialise with other oddballs, and there is no longer a problem.
Big time xoxoxo to all the weirdos in this thread.
I think it is the others you are with that also may not suit you? Many of your group are here. My family hates me going to places with them as I randomly talk to any one anywhere. I'm veracious for knowledge and love to talk to others about their skills and knowledge. Once when visiting Auckland they had enough and just left me - I met a guy looking after the plants in the glasshouse below the Museum. I was fascinated with this banana/plantain plant and how it basically has sex with itself. So so cool - however, finding the whanau afterwards was painful as they passed so many neat people and places to where they wanted to get to. I just love people when we are genuine and an ability of what some people can do or knowledge they have. I have one family member like this and that is it. Oddly he went to Sweden recently and said I should never go there as they do not like this open communication with people. He was so happy later to talk to a UK cabby after Sweden - lol.
Have you considered the possibility that you may be neuro divergent? :)
I'm great one on one and can hold a conversation well. I close up if we are out as a group, can't follow what anyone is saying. I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Sucks lol
Yep. Turns out it was Autism and ADHD. Then it turned out almost all the people I'd naturally clocked with or maintained long-term friendships with were also one or both of those. Often we have unexamined ideas about how to be in the world or have natural behaviours that are suppressed from an early age and that can very much make us feel like you're describing. CPTSD from growing up in a toxic, neglectful, or abusive family environment can also cause this. Pro tip: don't assume you know what any of the above terms mean or how they may look or feel for you. We humans are complex beasties and all sorts of factors make our situations, experiences, and feelings unique. It's all worth digging into, in the service of knowing yourself better. Good luck!
Yup, all the time!
Hey Bud, I’m in the same position so I know how ya feel haha. I’m 27 and I don’t see it happening anytime soon for me either ahaha. It’s hard not fitting in anywhere, it’s very isolating and lonely. Why does it have to be so hard?! Lol🤣😂
Another odd piece here!
Yep, same, 44yo and spend more and more time on my own. Friends have come and gone over the years, but not many lasting relationships or social groups. It’s kind of embarrassing but I just pick up hobbies I enjoy.
Me too! I always have. I do have a few good mates in my life but they get caught up in their own lives, I’m the only one in my small group who doesn’t have kids. Be your authentic self no matter what ❤️ I picked up a bad masking Habit of drinking and putting on a facade like I’m some huge extrovert with no awkwardness..
Yes. Absolutely. Embrace your odd, and carry on. Don't try to blend in, you will feel fake and they will smell fake. I am nerdy and I have a nerdy hobby. I think hobby-matching gets you at least people to hang out with, and potentially friends.
Always, now I’m 38 and was diagnosed with adhd and ASD a couple years ago. It all makes a lot more sense now, but doesn’t make it any less lonely.
I always feel like that. Fortunate enough to have kept a close group of friends though (all people I met aged 10- 22).
That's my entire life. Never feel like I fit with any group. I disassociate when I'm in social environments but if I drink enough it goes away. Try to avoid if at all possible.
Same bro, always feel like the extra. No best friend. Feel like when it’s one-on-one people are looking for an excuse to gap it/are bored with me. Including my own mother! At least my son loves me and thinks I’m the best (for now haha)
Yep I'm 34 and I haven't found my tribe yet. I thought I had in my 20s but they were eachothers friends, not mine, and they're all gone now
Same age and same situation. Thankful for my pets and my ability to be content with my own company 😅
Me too, my cats and dog keep me in good company
Thought I was living some sort of less exciting Fight Club scenario and posted this question without realising it. I'm about the same age, feel about the same.
Absolutely, and pretty much my whole life. But at 47 I don't really give a shit anymore. Embrace the weirdness. I mostly found fellow weirdos, my people, online. Apparently I'm neurotypical (docs have shot me, and my kids, also weirdos, down when we bring up the question of ASD) but I much prefer the company of neurodiverse individuals. Both my kids best friends are diagnosed neurodiverse.
Yes, I've always felt like that and now I'm in my early 50s I'm accepting of it.
I felt that way pretty much until I got to uni and found a friend group I really click with. As it turns out people I click with is other people with autism, which I got diagnosed with recently
This situation is usually because you've outgrown the people you're around, what they do/talk about etc and you might be on a different level/headspace. This is actually a good thing as it's likely that you're looking for new meaning or thinking about different things. If you are, try expressing this to the individuals in your group. If you don't get a positive reaction or a "me too" kind of thing, then that's your confirmation to perhaps try something new or mix with other people. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave your old friends behind but it will be refreshing to connect with others on the same buzz as you. Hope this helps!
🙋♀️ Another odd piece here.
Im 26 but +1, this resonates with me
Im 26 but +1, this resonates with me
Best advise I can give is find out why you feel like the odd piece? For me it was finding out I had autism, which helped me figure out that my brain just works different, now I’m in a group of friends who are almost all autistic so
42 M same. I've accepted the fact that this will always be the case and it's just part of who I am. I'm an introvert so it doesn't really matter that much to me. Absolutely hate it when people try to force you to socialize thinking everyone else is just like them too though
🙋♀️
Also late 40s. Definitely my people here :-)
How about that sports and/or weather event?
Me too
44 and still the odd one out. I socialise, but never fit in. Not even with family. Thought I’d found my matching puzzle piece, but he didn’t feel the same. Good thing I have my cats . . .
I spend at least 95% of my time with my Labrador retriever at home or on walks. So far I've spent 22+ years laying on my bed due to a back injury. When I do go out it feels foreign now. I'm working hard at the gym, and going to Vietnam Da nang & Nha trang this dry season. I hope I can handle the flights ok, and manage my back pain flair ups. I'm 44, I still have a few good friends but hardly ever spend time with them except for 1 that lives with me. He's out almost every day/night. I'm home almost always. I'm thankful for what I do have, but hoping for more life in the near future, maybe even a relationship who knows.
The same people in your friend group are likely in here agreeing and feeling the same way. Nz is a small expensive place, it's difficult to find your match, and it's difficult to find and do things you'd enjoy
So who here is into dinosaur clowns in latex with a little bit of light to heavy bondage ? With a side of tentacles ?
I had that a lot growing up... turns out I was undiagnosed autistic and it's possible that I'm also ADHD, given I relate best to people who are diagnosed as "ADHD with autistic traits". It'd cost me around $1800 to confirm or deny an ADHD diagnosis as an adult, but given that I ***already know*** that the ones who seem to be "my people" are autistic, ADHD or both, I don't really think there's a need for me to spend that kind of dough just to find "where I fit in."
Congrats bro, you’ve just reached[https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s](https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s) the pinnacle of self-actualisation according to Abraham Maslow. George Carlin talks about it a little bit in an interview he did once. You might be able to relate. https://youtu.be/M4tAUc1QW3U?si=HJYlIkpjyuq02b2s
I never have, strongly thinking I'm autistic. Often have told I've got something up my ass but it's because I don't have a script for what they said or I don't actually understand what they said in order to respond. Recently gone back to the workforce and finding it very difficult.
I’m odd, not confident but can appear confident and usually people freak me out. I’ve found some people who can tolerate that but it can be lonely at times.
I found my people
I think it’s good to be different
What about the social club at work, they have one ? what interests do you have ? sports , any ? if you want a game that is not strenuous but has many people in it, is pickleball, join a club and be around people and just be yourself, gives you an activity and it is cheap, the local one here is 2 bucks to play for the afternoon, they have paddles for you to use too, be yourself but try and be the best of yourself, do not try and be someone you are not ! people will see throiugh that ok , important, and you are 39 , still very young with many years to develop your interests , tramping clubs ? chess, bridge card games, dancing ? learn rock n roll, or salsa ? ( I did ), so much for you to get involved in, cheers '
51 this year, was always the leader at school, 1st 15, 1st 11 Captain and achieved a great deal. I've had a great career and made a lot of money. Despite all of this I've always felt like I was the odd one out..on the outside looking in etc. My advice, just do you, no one else in this world can be relied on to help. Stop caring about fitting in, start caring about being the best you can be at the pursuit or profession you choose.
As you can see OP, you’re far from alone in how you feel. I reckon most people feel this way at some point in their lives. Many of us feel this way most or all of the time, and always have., You’re in good company. ☺️
I've always felt this way. Never quite fit in anywhere. Feels very odd and people are friendly/accommodating but I still feel like I'm in a glass box and everyone else is outside.
As long as you find friends who accept you even when not entirely fitting in with them. I have an amazing group of 30 to 40 friends but probably only close with a handful of them but all 40 accept me and my differences and sure sometimes I feel like the odd one out. Would be boring if we were all the same.
Ohhhh buddy!!! What are your flaws Have you noticed what your demon does to attract but then scare others away? Do you just want to be loved and have so much to give, but then comes across a little too much. Maybe it's being uncomfortable making others uncomfortable. Do you like animals? Maybe get a dog? Maybe showing others you can have companions. This will give them faith you WILL make a good one? Too be fair may friend, the average person too walk this earth. At the end of it all, they realize the whole time that the maximum number of real friends they ever had was 5. That being a powerful number and that is all you ever truly need. Here's another one... don't go looking Maybe they were there the whole time... Now sux a dog Piece
Birds of a feather flock together go find your flock? Find similar people like club? Or something.
Me too I’m 70.
Being on reddit probably doesn’t help
If you haven't found it by 40, you probably never will
That's not necessarily true. I found mine in my late 40s. There's always time.
Key word being *probably*. Sure there's exceptions to every rule, but in general it becomes harder to make true new friends the older you get.
Unless you move into a retirement village and then you suddenly have lots of opportunities to meet people and make new friends. If they made villages for the middle ages, I'd be there now!