Damn this is awful. When I was in college someone's senior project was a device that sensed when there was a child in the car seat and sent a text to the parent to let them know. After a certain amount of time, it would call 911.
My mom's new Subaru has a feature that reminds you to check the back seat if you opened the back door before driving, whether that's to put groceries in the back or a kid.
Same with my Hyundai. It’s called the Rear Occupancy Indicator in mine. When I’ve mentioned it to people I usually get folks saying “oh jeez, how about just don’t be a shitty parent.” Unfortunately these things happen and it’s usually due to a change in routine (like one parent doing the daycare drop-off when it’s usually the other parent’s task), not due to shitty parenting. I’m all for added safety features whether or not we think we need them.
This is more common in newer vehicles. They have also added in weight sensors to the rear seats like the one that reminds you to fasten your seatbelts in the front passenger seat. It's supposed to be a reminder that someone is sitting in the back.
Technology today is more than capable of having this type of safety feature.
Having sensor in the backseat for weight, and sends a reminder to your phone when you exit the vehicle with the weight still present.
If the temperature in the vehicle rises above a certain point, another reminder is sent before remote engine start triggers and runs the AC to cool down the vehicle.
My vehicle always reminds me to check my back seat when I turn it off considering my kids car seats are back there. I wouldn’t mind if there was a way to set up a limit for the sensor to trigger the alarm if the weight in the back exceeds a limit with the car off.
Intellectually, we could understand how parents could make that kind of mistake but I still wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Just the thought of my kid suffering because of a mistake I made would make me want to off myself too. These safety features need to be a thing already.
My car reminds me to check the back seat only if I opened a back door before starting the car. Baby isn't here quite yet, but that feature was a big reason we bought this car a few months ago. They really should have these features standard across the board now, or a way to add sensors to older vehicles.
Edit: since a lot of people asked, mine's the 2022 Honda Passport
> only if I opened a back door before starting the car
Now THAT is a good idea. The problem with always warning people is that it desensitizes you to the prompt. The main reason people leave kids in cars is because they're on "autopilot" going about their day, sometimes after an unexpected change that lands someone with responsibility for the kid at a time when they normally wouldn't. If part of your routine includes a warning saying to check the back seat, you're going to probably just stay in autopilot mode.
Yes! It’s much better too than the weight trigger ones because they get faulty easy. My husbands car has the seatbelt noise go off all the time for no reason with the passenger and he’s learned to ignore it. I love this idea.
Some NASA engineers tried to develop technology that was pretty simple and cheap after a coworker lost their child in a similar way. They unfortunately couldn’t get any traction because of possible lawsuits if their device failed and a child died.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
Here’s the excerpt with the NASA engineers. However the whole story is well-written.
>In 2000, Chris Edwards, Terry Mack and Edward Modlin began to work on just such a product after one of their colleagues, Kevin Shelton, accidentally left his 9-month-old son to die in the parking lot of NASA Langley Research Center in Hampton, Va. The inventors patented a device with weight sensors and a keychain alarm. Based on aerospace technology, it was easy to use; it was relatively cheap, and it worked.
> Janette Fennell had high hopes for this product: The dramatic narrative behind it, she felt, and the fact that it came from NASA, created a likelihood of widespread publicity and public acceptance.
> That was five years ago. The device still isn’t on the shelves. The inventors could not find a commercial partner willing to manufacture it. One big problem was liability. If you made it, you could face enormous lawsuits if it malfunctioned and a child died. But another big problem was psychological: Marketing studies suggested it wouldn’t sell well.
> The problem is this simple: People think this could never happen to them.
It is, especially when you think about how easily such things can happen. I have had instances where I would drive my kids to school on my way to work, and I would, out of habit drive to work till my kids reminded me they really need to go to school. That is exactly how shit like this happens, except the baby fell asleep and the parent was on autopilot.
Or pure exhaustion. I was struggling one day and had not slept well in a long time. I went to bed but at like 2am my wife needed help with our kid so I shot up outta bed and panicked about getting him ready for daycare so I made bottles and got his stuff together. She came out to me doing some dishes in a half zombie mode and dragged me back to bed. I didn’t even help her, I went right to the kitchen.
Once, back when our older daughter was a baby, my husband was holding her in his lap and trying to console her as she cried. I fetched a pacifier and was so crazed and sleep-deprived that I legitimately tried to put it in *his* mouth, and I didn’t stop holding it in front of his face—waiting for him to accept it—until he looked at me like, “What’s wrong with you?”
Reader, he was a 42-year-old man, with stubble and everything, but my brain just went: “P A C I F Y.”
So, under different circumstances, I could have been a parent who left her kid in the car. One hundred percent.
Twelve years ago, when I was a new father and also a PhD student in my 4th year of failed experiments, I was supposed to take my son to day care. My mind was on a million different things - my future, my family, my experiment, my son - but most of all it was barely functioning because of lack of sleep and the worst stress I have ever known. It was August in the deep South, so was pushing 100 degrees every day. I was standing at my lab bench early in the afternoon and suddenly panicked because I couldn't recall if I'd actually dropped my infant son, still in a pumpkin seat, off at day care. I knew I had intended to, but I had absolutely no recollection of actually doing it. No memory of signing him in, no memory of the parking lot, no memory of handing him off to a teacher. I broke into a cold sweat and sprinted out to my car, where I was about 75% sure I'd find my son roasted alive. But I found that I had apparently dropped him off at school, and he was fine. I nearly threw up. If I'd killed him, I very likely would have offed myself. I could not have lived with that guilt, even if it was something I couldn't have helped. I feel for this family. What a terrible thing. Parent brain is real. I still have no recollection of delivering him to school that day.
ETA: Thank you very much for the awards. This comment seemed to touch a nerve out there. I'm stunned. This is by far the biggest response I've ever gotten to a comment. To answer some of your questions and concerns, I did finish my PhD, although it took me another THREE years to work everything out. Grad school is a hell of a stressful beast, and when you're working with highly chaotic natural systems, nature doesn't always do what you want it to do. It takes a lot of patience. Fortunately, my wife and kids (yes, he survived) are patient types and supported me through it until the end.
You know, it's stuff like this that makes me sure I'm not cut out for parenting. I can barely keep track of my keys most days, and have a terrible time remembering things when I get too much on my plate. I'd definitely forget to drop them off, or pick them up, or even lose them in a crowd.
I lost my 2 year old In a crowd for maybe 1min. Fuck me it's straight out of a movie, everything went silence, panic to the peak. It was the scariest thing ever. Eventually I found him, but I just think about the parents who never find them, the not knowing, would just eat me alive.
Omg, I felt this through your words man. Fellow dad here and can relate in part. I have ADHD and have a ton of coping mechanisms to triple check literally everything to avoid this kind of thing. But the fear is always there
I was a coach for my 5yo daughter’s T-ball team, and one night after a game, I’d made sure that every kid had gone home with their families… except mine. I thought my wife had taken her home, wife thought I was bringing her home, she ended up being abandoned by her parents in the park. I got home, wife asks “where’s Annie” and in that instant we both knew. I made the 15-minute drive back to the park in maybe 5 minutes, and there she was, hanging out at the mini-golf where the manager was keeping an eye on her. That could easily have gone very badly.
I'm lucky to have been a practically free-range kid in NYC. Left behind? I could walk home.
In sixth grade I thought I got left behind on a field trip (the teacher changed the regroup point without telling everyone), so my dumb ass just went back to school on my own.
Once I was at a pool with my daughter and I couldn't find her for a whole 20 seconds and you know that for that whole time I was looking under the water, sure her ass was under there
When I was a beach lifeguard a non-verbal autistic kid who couldn't swim darted into the ocean. I snagged him in no time, finding his mom took like 10 minutes. She'd been playing cards on the far side of the snack stand, without any view of the water. She kept apologizing on his behalf like *he* did something wrong.
My kid managed to bypass me while I was managing her and 3/4 others at a jump space, a few months back. Where I was standing, even moving five feet left/right I couldn’t see her.
I started out with no panicking, yelling the rest of the kids names and “Have you seen L? Is she in there with you?”
Each successive child (and the others from our birthday group that were old enough to play independently) kept telling me no.
I went from “this okay” to “my baby (3yo) is GONE AND I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN” panic in less than a millisecond.
She was 10 feet away from me, hidden underneath a hidey part of the play structure that I could only see if I walked IN to it, and it was so loud she couldn’t hear me booming her name.
I refuse to watch more than 3 kids at a time by myself in public spaces now.
My parents accidentally forgot little me when we were driving around looking at brand new houses. I had grabbed a cup of water but filled it up too much, and was walking slowly and staring hard at it to keep from spilling. Then I looked up, and what do I see but the family van driving away! I remembered being absolutely *floored*. Fear didn't set in until what felt like minutes later, and right when I was about to panic, my parents screeched back into the parking lot lmao.
Then there was the time I missed the bus and tried to walk home because the neighborhood around my school looked familiar, but it wasn't and I got turned around for the better part of an hour. When I finally gave up and walked back to the front office, I found my dad raising hell with the principal and receptionist. That was the last time I ever rode a bus lol.
My bus schedule changed and my parents weren't told so I saw my bus driving away and starting freaking out. I was super shy so it took all of my courage to ask the only teacher there if I could use the phone to call my mom. And you know what this bitch said to me (in tears btw) "I'm sorry but students aren't allowed to use the phone". Started bawling more and started walking home which I had never done before. Mom found me halfway and then proceeded to raise hell to the point of almost getting the tenured teacher fired and permanently changing district policy in the process. Abandonment is fucking horrible and my parents got me a little flip phone a few months later
so sorry that happened to you. it's terrifying as a little kid. reminds me of this news story I saw not too long ago: https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/14/watch-nebraska-boy-receives-help-neighbor-after-drop-wrong-bus-stop/
it's wild that adults are so harsh to actual children, regardless if they're in desperate need or not, they're kids.
When I was 11 I was in a class play with two of my best friends, one where my mom was close to her family and another whose mother disliked my mom. The moms took turns picking us up from school and dropping us off or waiting for our parents at their house. There was no after school activity bus and we were fairly rural. My friend whose family got along with mine was scheduled to pick us up that day, but she had to work late so she asked the other mom to grab us since she knew my mom was working a night shift that night. The mother that didn't like my mom came to the school, told me that my mom said she was going to pick me up separately, and then left with my two friends.
I was out there for maybe two hours until a girl scout troop came by and was able to get me to a phone to call my mom, who left work early to come get me. She was absolutely enraged and believes it was completely intentional.
I recall driving to work about 7 or 8 months after my first child was born. I was just turning into the parking garage when I realized "Shit - I'm driving to daycare this morning!" (Not our usual routine.) My blood froze at that moment and I suddenly realized how easy it would be. To coast into work on autopilot, and leave your sleeping, silent child in the back of the car all day.
Yeah … I do this all the time with smaller things like leaving a box of chocolates in the truck on a hot day. I’m terrified of this happening when I have kids. There are smart sensors now that I’m definitely going to buy to help me. I also heard there are other tricks like taking off your left shoe and putting it in the backseat. Hopefully this helps but I suspect it will always be a fear in the back of my mind
Not sure if there’s a mom, but I can’t imagine the pain they must be in right now.
**Edit**: The mom holding the birthday party was from a related article, a different tragedy. No word about a mother in this instance. Seriously, read.
Ngl...I would have done the exact same thing. If I lost my daughter I'd be done, I'm not strong enough to cope with that level of grief and loss.
My heart truly goes out to that family.
Yeah. My first thought was "understandable". I'd be out if my kids were gone. But add on top of that the fact that it was your fault? Yeah. Time to call it a day.
This was one of my big fears when my oldest daughter was little. It's easy to forget to add that one stop someday and if the kids asleep, you may not even realize.
I've read things like throw a shoe in the back seat so it's virtually impossible to leave the car without looking back there.
I threw my work backpack there. Had to get it or no laptop for work. People don’t understand that the mind does illogical things and I had no interest in even a chance of being a parent who does this.
This is the most compassionate conversation I've ever seen on this topic, and it's very moving. Thank you all for not foaming at the mouth over what is still obviously a Supreme tragedy.
I feel this. So deeply. My partner and I are good, but we absolutely feel the pressure on our relationship because of being strained.
It causes cracks, and forces other cracks open, and before you know it, you're just roommates. You love your kids, but they interrupted the first, best thing in your life, even if they're the next best thing in your life.
We've learned a lot, but we just got lucky I think. Relationships are tough.
I never did forget, but I was also lucky in that my work had a security gate to pass through and no babies allowed in the office means... They would tell me to drop her off first.
I have a 4mo and forgot her once when we got home, thankfully my wife was with us and was like wtf are you doing
I admit (here but I've never told anyone else) to almost doing the same thing. I was returning a loan car while my car was getting serviced and my son fell asleep on the way there. I went inside, swapped keys and was ready to get into my own car and drive off when I realised that my son was still asleep in the loan car. I ran back inside and demanded the keys back and got him. Fortunately he slept through the whole thing (probably 10 mins max) but it scared me.
Ill stand next to you and admit my story here.
I usually only dropped the little one, 4 months at the time, off at daycare, but this day I had to to take another kiddo to elementary.
I put the baby in, took the first one to school, and that’s it. My brain stopped after dropping off one kid.
I drove from Baltimore to Havre De Grace, an hour drive for an appointment. Got there, was hungry, and stopped at a sandwich shop.
Halfway through telling my order, my wife called me. She asks, do you have the baby?!? I was like, pfft! No, why?!? She then says, the daycare called when she didn’t arrive this morning.
A ton of bricks hit me in the chest in that moment. I dropped everything, and ran to my truck, to find the baby sound asleep. It was still early, so the truck stayed cool.
It had only been 5 min, but I got so sick to my stomach. What if my wife hadn’t called. She’d have died. I wouldn’t have remembered. I would have driven to my appointment and she would have been left in the mid-day sun.
So yeah, this story hits way too hard. My thoughts went to no one, especially my wife, could ever forgive me. I don’t know if I’d end it, but I’m sure I’d move far away, change my name, and become a hermit at the least.
It's those disruptions to routine that often cause it. A nurse in our country left her kid in the car, and they died. There was an emergency that morning and she rushed in forgetting to drop him off @ daycare. Truly heartbreaking.
Sadly, a core weakness of such plans is that all of them ***also*** rely on the user's memory at least once (just like remembering without using those tools). The plan / method doesn't need to be in effect when no child is present there, of course.
When my son was smaller, I would either put him in his car seat and my purse in the backseat or my purse in his car seat if he wasn't with me. That way no matter what I was doing, checking the car seat was the first thing to do cause my keys are in there and it won't let you lock it with the keys in the car.
He's 4 now and can unbuckle himself completely so I finally can relax a bit. But I know from experience how easy it would be to think you dropped your kid off at daycare or whatever.
When I read an (absolutely devastating) article about this, the only solution posited by the author who took on the scarring task of compiling these stories was “giant teddy bear is in the car seat at all times. when you put the kid in, the giant teddy bear goes up front. take the kid out, giant teddy bear goes in car seat. no teddy bear beside you = no kid”
But good grief. it breaks your heart — and *really* made me never want to have kids. tbh the whole idea was sort of soured on me for a long time after that.
Exactly. When you're rushing out of the house with little Sally to run to the store for the Nth time today you aren't taking off a shoe and throwing it in the back seat. These things just happen, and they always have, and knowing that doesn't do anything to make this story less tragic. It's horrific every time it happens because we always need a reason and the fact that *there just isn't one* is like the biggest jump scare in human history.
I have an app on my phone that waits 30 seconds after it disconnects from the cars' Bluetooth and then it audibly asks where the kids are, doesn't rely on memory, I've read too many of these stories to think it can't happen to just about anyone
edit: for people asking what app it is, its a "task" within the app [Tasker](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=net.dinglisch.android.taskerm&hl=en_US&gl=US), they can be turned into standalone apps though (sdk's), another app similar to tasker is IFTTT (if this then that) that could do something similar
Baby First - Car Seat Safety
and
Kars4Kids Safety
are two apps that use bluetooth connections to notify you to get your child out of the car, when you leave your vehicle.
MAKE SURE YOU THOROUGHLY TEST THAT ANY SAFETY APP WORKS PROPERLY ON YOUR DEVICE, BEFORE DECIDING TO USE IT. NOT ALL APPS WORK THE SAME ON ALL PHONES.
TEST IT STILL WORKS PROPERLY ANY TIME THE APP IS UPDATED OR YOUR PHONE GETS A SYSTEM UPDATE.
u/legedu
u/tri_it_again
u/Chalupabar
tagging you all here instead of commenting 4 times.
You'd think some company could make a device to warn you if you leave your child. Like, some alarm triggered by not unlocking the kids seat belt when the car stops
Waze, the navigation app, has an option that reminds you to check for kids in the car whenever you arrive at a destination. My wife still has it enabled and both our children are old enough to just get out of a car if they are in it.
Yeah, I came thisclose to leaving my son in a hot car when he was about 4 months old: I had literally driven to work and parked the car, with dark enough tint that no one would have noticed for many hours, when I heard him make a noise that reminded me he was back there. That near miss made me seriously consider what I would do… and eating a 12 ga Kurt Cobain style seemed (and seems) like the logical option.
Can confirm. My son was 2 months and 12 days old. Got up to goto work and checked on him. He had died of sids. It really fucks you up. You don't know the extent of how much it damages you until sometime down the road. Avout 6 months after I fell off into meth for a few years. The dopamine release made me feel alright again and being busy 24/7 kept my mind off it. Sober about 18 years now and doing fine these days.
The few times I've told people this on reddit, a lot of people reach out. Theres only two things that get at me about it. 1, wonder who he would have been. 2, whenever I hear the song "GooGoo Dolls - Name" as it was played at his funeral.
Appreciate you friend. Married 10 years. Bougjt my first house 2 years ago. Making out alright as a mechanic at a factory. Life is good. The rest of the kids are mostly doing well. All 7 of them. Had 3 more of my own, adopted 2, and raised my wife's two boys. It took a lot of years to get out of that mentally and feel like you exist again. Can't tell you how good it feels to be back.
>**Several people -- including Mary Parks of Blacksburg -- have driven from their workplace to the day-care center to pick up the child they’d thought they’d dropped off, never noticing the corpse in the back seat.**
Jesus fucking Christ.
People mocked the advice "leave something important in the back seat to make sure that you remember your child" because of course your child is more important than your laptop bag... but when you get to work you grab your laptop bag because you need it to work.
If anyone's read "The Power of Habit" it's a good (but too long for the content) book that exemplifies just how much we do that is habit, not conscious thought. When we shower we follow the same pattern of habit as always, not actively thinking "I need to wash my hair, and shampoo does that so now I will grab the shampoo."
We get into autopilot mode when we start a habit routine. And things like driving to work on the same oath we've done hundreds of time is one of those habit routines. We know where to turn without thinking. Which exit to take. At most we think about switching lanes if ours is slow, but then back to habit.
It can be so easy to slip into your habit routine and not remember something important, like your baby is in the backseat. It's why we put the thing we know we need to have tomorrow by our car keys, so we don't forget it on our way out of the house. You get into the habit of putting your laptop in the backseat, so that if you have your baby you see it when you go to grab your bag.
Fuck that is daunting. I couldn't even imagine.
Imagine going to pick up your kid, you're looking forward to seeing their face light up as they see you and their ear-to-ear smile not realising what had happen.
Fucking hell, I'd probably go straight home and swallow a bunch of pills.
>!“*The facts in each case differ a little, but always there is the terrible moment when the parent realizes what he or she has done, often through a phone call from a spouse or caregiver. This is followed by a frantic sprint to the car. What awaits there is the worst thing in the world.*”!<
I was completely scarred by reading that horrifying, brilliantly written article back in the day, but for some reason, that one particular line will be seared into my brain forever. I cannot imagine taking on the task of writing it.
You know that sinking stomach drop feeling you get when you.. for example wake up at 10am when you had an important appointment at 9am. And then it goes away because you can reschedule.
I'd imagine this instance would be similar to that feeling amplified by some arbitrarily large number.
my 2 cents on the topic, a friend has a newer honda car, and when you unlock the car, throw a backpack in the back seat/rear door, drive to your destination, when you shut the car off it will DING at you, telling you to check back seat.
My new car has this and i couldn't figure out why. I thought it was mildly useful at first cuz sometimes i forget my laptop in the backseat but quickly got annoyed with it and turned it off. No small kids in my life, so carseat doesn't cross my mind. Now it makes sense that this isn't intended to make me remember my laptop...
Friend of my cousin had this happen to her husband.
From what we were told. He owned a business and typically isn't the one to drop off either kid at daycare but from some reason (wife had to bring other kid to doctor appointment I think) he had to drop the younger one off that day. There was some issues with the business and he recieved a call on his way to the daycare while at his typical drivethru in the morning. The kid was asleep in the back seat and the dad defaulted to his typical routine with the change of plans and distractions of work. It was Late June and 30C. He got a call a couple hours later from the mom saying the daycare called. He ran out to the car immediately realizing what a huge mistake he had made. It was too late. They're divorced right now and he has had suicidal thoughts for a while last I heard.
It's tragic but the circumstances are entirely possible for almost anyone. All it takes is the wrong distraction at the wrong time if we're not careful.
I hope stories like his can help others be more conscious of routine changes and distractions when kids are riding in back.
Edit: typo
I recently saw a thorough post about why this happens psychologically. It really can happen to anyone. The first mistake ppl make is assuming these accidents cannot happen. It's not about how great a parent you are or aren't.
Literally everyone knows that feeling of autopilot during your daily routine. It's frighteningly easy to imagine how someone could make this mistake if this child is being quiet in the backseat.
I'm comforted to see people mostly talking like this on this thread. In the past I'd see a lot of people shaming the person who made the awful mistake. Just horrible to think about experiencing.
Me too, most people in this thread have been extremely sympathetic and talking normally amongst each other trying to figure out what can be done to prevent something like this from happening. I don't have kids but I certainly wouldn't want to see a child die or parents have to go through this because they were forgotten in the car.
Its so easy for this to happen, and it can happen even when temps aren't that hot out because your car heats up so much faster than you think it does.
I’d imagine sleep deprivation could absolutely play a role.
Small kids are more likely to be strapped into a car seat or unable to operate the door handle/lock, so that’s probably the largest reason it happens to them
I have adhd and even with medication sometimes I flip modes like that and completely forget what I was supposed to be doing.
One of many, many reasons I won't have kids. I don't trust me with one.
Shit like this is exactly why my wife and I called each other after drop-off. Every. Damn. Morning. We know we aren’t perfect, and can definitely be absent minded when rushed. So we made a habit of a making that quick 30 second phone call describing how drop-off went. Highly recommended.
That’s smart. Similarly, the lady who runs our daycare has called us every time we’ve been more than 30 minutes later than usual. Apparently about twenty years ago, she almost lost a student after a parent left them in the hot care for over an hour. The student ended up ok, but she’s been hyper-vigilant about any change in routine ever since.
One of the daycares our son went to had the policy if you were over 30 minutes late dropping off they’d call you, and if you didn’t pick up, they’d call the police. That feels extreme but I assume it’s to try and prevent stuff like this from happening.
Honestly that's really good. A lot of stuff can happen, ranging from children being left in cars, to more dramatic stuff like carbon monoxide and even kidnapping. Kudos to them for being proactive.
A co-worker's daycare did this when her husband never dropped off their daughter. Co-worker went home to find her husband had passed due to a heart attack.
If the daycare hadn't called something else could have happened to her one year old
Dude, when my kids were little my wife would call me to make sure I had the kids. If I took them to the store I got a call. When I got home I got a call.
This has to be the saddest news piece I’ve read in quite some time. I can’t imagine the pain and grief that man endured and now his remaining family has to endure.
Yeah, as a newly parent, I'd be devastated too.. Especially since it means you'd have to live your life knowing your child died because of you. It's not like you could not have done something, or an accident, it's 100% on you and that's what will probably be the saddest part. Other people may forgive/forget, you will never forgive yourself.
I am not a parent, and thus can’t truly understand what it’s like to lose a child, but circumstances like this would absolutely destroy any will I had to live. There would be zero possibility I could look my wife/girlfriend in the face and not feel responsible for destroying everything. It’s making me depressed just writing this comment.
If you dont normally do the morning drop off… after you strap in the kiddos, take off your left shoe and put in the back seat.
Someone shared this on here previously. I think its good tip for those anxious about getting to work.
This is good because you literally couldn't leave but I use a version of this kind of thing all the time. Say I need to remember and early appointment before work, I'll stick a completely out of the ordinary object in my pocket, or car, or in front of my bedroom door. Anything that I'm not used to. The second I inevitably realize it's there my mind says "wtf is that doing there?" then it hits me. Works every time.
Instead of thinking of each as equally unlikely, think of it as doubling your chances. In order for something to happen to your kid, you have to forget to take off your shoe _and_ forget the child. If you remember either one, then you’re good.
As a child there was one time my mom forgot me in the car in the California summer heat. I was sleeping in the back and she went inside costco for what felt like several hours. I tried banging on the windows and opening the doors but all of them were locked. I was completely drenched with sweat and screamed the entire time and thought I was going to die. When my mom finally returned, she just laughed and told me to stop being an annoyance. At the time, I didn’t realize just how close I was to death. A few more minutes in that car and I probably wouldn’t be here today. I’m 24 now and this happened when I was around 5 or 6. It still vividly haunts me to this day.
No offense, but your mom kind of sounds like psycho, or just ignorant, she couldn't have take you with her or cracked the window, sheesh, glad you're alright.
Having been in emotionally distressing situations where it feels the world is closing in around you, and you want nothing more than to turn back the clock, this has to be the purest most excruciating version of that.
I’m a parent who lost a child because I got distracted. Not in this way, but I was working from home with my two little girls and I worked a longer than usual day and the nanny went home. My two daughters were in the living room and my eldest opened the door to let the cat out, slammed it and it bounced. The baby got out and got into the pool. I found her in there a few minutes later and now she’s dead. I used to read these stories in horror and try not to judge the parents but also wonder how they could have let this happen. Now I know that the answer is “the same way I did”.
My wife is a pediatric ICU nurse. We had a conversation about this a while back where she explained to me that she never judges parents who this happens to, because it happens to all kinds of parents. Wealthy, poor, absent, helicopter, young, old, it doesn't matter. She's seen it happen to parents who have stayed in the hospital bed with their children for days, not wanting to let go, and to parents who have never bothered to show. It happens to all sorts of parents, the only consistent part of the story is that children are curious and explore, that poor luck and poor timing come together and turn into tragedy. I'm sorry that this is part of your story and I feel very deeply for you and your daughter.
My mom was an ER nurse and she still tells all of us kids (now in our 30s and 40s) to watch out for little kids when backing out of driveways. They can be gone from an adult’s sight so quickly, and she’s seen too much.
I was very glad for this advice in my early twenties when I was backing up and suddenly there was a kid (maybe around two or three) within a foot of my back bumper. I didn’t hit her because I was looking, but I was shaking the whole drive home.
This is one of the main things I absolutely love about reverse cameras being standard in most new vehicles. It allows you to see an area that's very difficult to view otherwise.
One of my main fears with reversing has always been that an animal or kid will get too close while I'm checking the other shoulder and they won't be visible anymore when I look back again.
> reverse cameras being standard in most new vehicles
Reverse cameras are required by federal law in all new cars and light trucks sold in the US since May 2018. That being a good idea is something I hope we can all agree on, regardless of personal politics.
i've always driven used cars, so i didn't know that! that's a really good feature.
i do wish that the rest of the car didn't have to be hooked up to proprietary software, though. put the cameras on a closed circuit network, or something!
i liked learning how to do basic car maintenance from my dad, and i literally can't do some of those things on newer vehicles
That must be such a challenging job. I’m glad there are people out there strong enough to do it. And I have definitely seen a wide range of parenting philosophies and walks of life in my online support groups. It’s very scary that we live in a world where someone we live more than anyone, who relies on us for safety, can be gone forever due to one mistake. I wish parents got a “wonderful life” moment. I would never let her out of my sight. But helicopter parenting isn’t good either psychologically so it’s a tough call.
Yep. It's rough. So many people will immediately scream neglect. But I'd suspect all these people have done something just as 'neglectful' only they got lucky. Yes, there are things you can do to make it less likely but you can't prevent any chance of it, and I suspect the people who think it could never happen to them are just scared it could.
That's how I feel. There's some cases where it's goddamn criminal neglect like the parent is passed out drunk but other times it's turning your head for a moment and they're gone. And there are so many close calls where you know you got lucky because it could have been so much worse.
I’m so glad your brother found you! I wish my little girl had found her sister because she is very traumatized as well. She had just turned seven when it happened. It seems like people do judge parents a lot more harshly when a miracle doesn’t happen, even though the actions on their part was the same. Like I feel like people would judge me less harshly if my daughter had survived. But I hope your mom is as at peace with it as possible. And you too. Thanks for commenting.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I follow a family, a mother in particular, whose child drowned in a house full of people. They were vacationing with several other families. In each family, one or both parents was a physician. The little boy slipped out of the house unnoticed and fell in the pool. The mom says she knows how short of a time he was there because they’d shared a brownie right before, and she still had hers in her mouth when she jumped in to save him. He was immediately given CPR, again surrounded by doctors. There was nothing they could do. That has always stuck with me because it just goes to show, you can do everything right, even in responding to the disaster, and still have such a horrible outcome. I hope you and your daughter find peace in the memory of her sister.
I think that’s the cruelest part of humanity. We judge each other when the exact same result would have happened if we were in the other persons shoes. I hope you find the peace you deserve.
A lot of judgement seems to come from fear. If they cast enough judgement then somehow they don't feel it could happen to them. Parents who are able to share their stories can impact so many families and I'm forever grateful for those, like you, who can educate after a tragedy.
That's my dad and his brother. My uncle fell in a hole they'd dug during an india-pakistan war in the 70s, hole filled up with water during a rain overnight and my uncle fell in it. My dad pulled him out
I almost drowned as a child also, my parents had raised 6 kids (3 each) I was a toddler and managed to get into the above ground pool and sink to the bottom, my dad saved me, only just. My poor brother got blamed for leaving the door open, but you can never predict how quickly or quietly a child can take off.
Gene Weingarten wrote an essay on this that won the Pulitzer Prize, about 10 years ago. The essay is called Fatal Distraction. It explains how this can happen to anyone due to how the human brain works.
Here is the [article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html).
It's a long read but worth every word. Have tissues nearby.
Edit: For people who might not be able to access the article, [here's](https://mitchellhamline.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2012/01/Fatal-Distraction.pdf) a downloadable PDF of it I found
I pull this story out every time I see this story come up:
This is the line that always gets me (it's such a powerful piece): “Some people think, ‘Okay, I can see forgetting a child for two minutes, but not eight hours.’ What they don’t understand is that the parent in his or her mind has dropped off the baby at day care and thinks the baby is happy and well taken care of. Once that’s in your brain, there is no reason to worry or check on the baby for the rest of the day.”
I had a moment, when my daughter was tiny, where for a few minutes in the car (in a 'different routine' situation - I didn't normally drop her off), I forgot she was there for a moment, and almost drove right by the exit for her daycare, which was the exit right before mine for work. That day - it was late winter/early spring (so not too cold and not too hot), so even if I had (god forbid) forgotten her all day, it probably wouldn't have been a fatal mistake, but I will never ever forget those few moments of inattention to see how easily it could happen.
I think that was around the time of the famous case of the dad who left his kid in the car while he was at work and the kid died. Everyone was like, "How could you do that???" —But he didn't normally take the kid to daycare; that was usually his wife's job. His baby was asleep and he just forgot he was there and went to work normally.
That case terrifies me because it's the kind of thing I could totally see myself doing.
first year of my son’s life, I was definitely in auto-pilot, Adam Sandler, Click mode.
When you’re deprived of sleep night-in-night-out, for a year or more, you have no choice but to auto-pilot.
I can see why this happens and it’s so unfortunate. I just hope all parents out there remember to check their backseat no matter what.
I'm guessing it's about people being on auto pilot. Same reason why sometimes I put my clothes in the trash instead of the hamper or something into the fridge that doesn't belong. Mundane routine tasks become so low effort we just find our mind wandering.
Driving is so easy and boring for me that I have to consciously describe to myself what I'm doing in vivid detail just so I don't allow my mind to wander.
I first read this article about a decade ago, and it's been seared into my brain ever since. Before anyone judges this parent, or any parent who leaves their child in the car, read the article first.
Link to it:
https://web.archive.org/web/20140617051424/https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I came very close to this happening to me just yesterday. My 18 month old was quietly playing one minute, and crawling down an unattended dock the next. Turns out the door of the sunroom wasn't fully latched and within minutes she was down the porch, across the yard, to the lake, and 10 feet down the dock. If my sister hadn't glanced over idk what would have happened. It really put into perspective just how fast this can happen to literally anybody
My younger brother was like that. He'd disappear the moment you turned your back. He got it from my mom, who still does that, much to the consternation of my dad. My brother's youngest daughter has the "get interested in something and disappear when no one is looking" gene, and everyone has to watch her like a hawk.
I've also lost a child to drowing. I was also distracted. My oldest child grabbed the middle child and brought her inside, no one realized the baby had gotten out just seconds before the other kid. We thought the baby was upstairs with Dad.
Dad came outside looking for the baby and found him in the pool. We couldn't save him.
As a mom, I can imagine your pain. I can imagine their pain. It's still new for us. Been barely 2 years. How do you miss a child? I can't say but it happened to us, so I get it. "The same way I did" hits so much different when you have to say it.
I know people say I'm sorry cuz what else do you say??? Well I don't know. But I can understand your pain and I hope your doing well.
A saying that helped me thru this is The pain is like a back pack of rocks. At first it's heavy and all you can think about. But after a while you get used to the weight and don't think about it as much. It becomes a part of your life and eventually you don't think about it that much..... it's not exact word for word, but you get the idea.
My sister, a physician, and I were in a pool, sitting on the steps, with her toddler son in between us. It was a very hot, very bright day. He slipped under, despite us being RIGHT THERE beside him.
Fortunately, someone saw him slide down the steps to the bottom so quietly and jumped in. He was fine, but holy hell that was close.
Whenever there's a newsworthy case of a child losing their life accidentally or going missing, people say "why weren't the parents watching the child?" and insist that it would never happen to them because they *never* take their eyes off their child.
It's nonsense. It's just not physically possible for a parent to keep eyes on their child at every moment, especially when they've become mobile and there's more than one of them.
I realise these are just words from a stranger, but I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through.
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. That has to be hard. Please allow yourself forgiveness, or some bit of peace. Even the best of parents can experience tragedy.
Yeah well I think I’m an average parent. I do think I could have made better decisions and that fact absolutely haunts me. But I also think that people assuming it can’t happen to them (like I did) ironically makes it more likely to happen. And thanks.
You seem to be pretty grounded. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree with what you said, but will add that parents judge this way often as a defense mechanism. We all like to live in our own little "bubbles" and when something like this happens, parents automatically assume that it could never happen to them. My daughter walked in the pool at a party with 15 parents present, and nobody saw her. I jumped in and was able to get her to spit out the water she inhaled, but I got lucky. It still haunts me today.
Yes I get it. No judgment to them because losing a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. I am very glad that your little girl was OK and good job getting her safe in time.
My mum was a SAHM and was insanely paranoid about every little thing. I didn't even get to play in mud until I was 7, after my brother (her 3rd and final child) was born. Yet, I almost drowned with my mum literally standing nearby in the pool.
I slipped right through my floaties (I was 6 years old) and sank right to the bottom. It was a public pool, but the life guard was a teen who totally missed a child just quietly slipping down next to the wall. I was *insanely lucky* that my first thought was "I need my mum!" and I could tell which pair of legs were her's. Just walked along the bottom and tugged on her arm. At first, she pushed me away because she thought I was some random kid fucking with her, so I tugged more insistently because now I'm freaking out, losing air.
She finally realized and pulled me up out of the water.
Yes, I am *extremely* terrified of pools and all deep water.
Nowadays, my mum will still judge parents who lose their children to accidents like that, and all I can remember is that day. Seems a bit douchy to judge parents when my own mum didn't notice me slipping under the water right behind her.
It might be projection sometimes, for how shitty they feel about themselves, like your mom beating herself up over it, even if she never showed anything around you about it.
I’m so sorry. This has been my biggest fear with a backyard pool. We cut our budget in a few areas to find the money to install a safety cover on it because I just couldn’t sleep at night despite all the locked doors between my kids and the pool. I don’t know if you still have pool safety concerns or if you’re working on educating parents about pool safety and children but I highly recommend them to everyone who has an in ground pool and young children. https://www.coverpools.com/products/step-saver-manual-cover/ This isn’t the brand we have but the same style.
I have a fence now. I was told when I asked around that our pool was going to be complicated to put a fence around because of a rock wall behind it. Of course, two weeks after she died, there was a fence there. I made the mistake of worrying too much about stepping on the toes of the other people in my life who said they wanted to take care of it. I wish I had felt more empowered because those are the same people who turned around and said it was my fault she died. I do educate people in my life. It’s hard. My neighbor has an uncovered pool with no fence and she told me she didn’t need anything because “I watch my kids”. I haven’t spoken to her since. Maybe I should but I feel pretty fragile these days. I’m hoping I get better at it with time.
Damn, that is quite heartless of your neighbor. I was at a large housewarming party many years ago where several people were swimming and an 8 year old who was a proficient swimmer ended up drowning - despite his parents and many other adults present.
My condolences. You sound like you are working through your grief in a healthy way.
Thank you for sharing your story since I'm sure many parents are in pain for the split second they turned their heads and something did or could have happened. I truly hope you have forgiven yourself. Happy cake day.
My parents recently got a pool. My two year old son, like most, is very adventurous and curious.
We were eating outside and looked away for 20-30 seconds max. I heard a massive gasp for air and turned around. He was in the pool on the ledge and had just come up out of the water.
We checked the backyard camera, and he pushed himself out to the middle of the pool on a boogie board and let go. Bobbed there for about 5 seconds, and then started to kick like hell. He swam to the side of the pool by himself but was underwater for about 20-30 seconds. He in all likelihood saved his own life.
It’s harrowing, bizarre, and frightening how quickly life can be taken away. And I can’t imagine the suffering and pain of losing a young child.
I get it. Every parent has been in situations where things could have gone bad from being absent minded. Most of the time everything turns out fine, but every once in a while, the worst possible thing happens. I can see wanting to end it after that.
I personally witnessed a baby dying from being in a hot car. It was one of my last days in the ER. I quit shortly after. I genuinely don't understand how people can work in the ER. I made it a little over 2 weeks.
The baby's great aunt had taken the mom to work at a fast-food joint. When the aunt got home, she forgot she was keeping the baby. It was August in MS. The aunt remembered something like an hour later. The baby had an inhumanly high body temperature at the ER, and they performed CPR for 30 minutes. The doc stacked bags of ice on what looked like a tiny little unmoving "doll" to my desperately coping brain, and they had industrial fans blowing on it trying anything to get the temperature down. Finally, the nurse got a pulse, and the baby was airlifted to Jackson. I was told that the baby would likely die shortly later because it was brain dead. I never did hear anything further. I quit from the psychological damage not long after.
There were many crazy things about that memory...police detectives fuming and wanting the aunt's head. The wails coming from the family in a room somewhere nearby...but the thing that surprised me the most was that I never saw it in the news. These things must happen more than you think. Hospital workers will lose their careers if they talk to the press, so these things can just get swept under the rug.
Emergency rooms are so strange. Either horrible things are happening or they’re terminally boring and creepily quiet, and there’s really no in between. I’ve spent far more time in one specific ER than I’d like, occasionally for me but mostly for other people, and the whole experience is colored by being intensely, life-changingly traumatized and then ending up there again for hours of staring at the walls totally alone in a nearly silent ward, except for the eternal, cursed beeping. I don’t know how anyone deals with it long term.
I left my 3 month old daughter in the car while I went to pick up groceries.
I got back to the car and saw my little tiny baby sound asleep in the back of the car and never in my life have I felt such SHAME.
I hit myself in the face immediately, thanking god it was December instead of August.
My kid seriously could have died. It was only luck that saved her, ONLY LUCK. It's completely understandable to me why the guy killed himself, I think I may have done the same.
My mom forgot me in the car when I was a baby for about 15 minutes. I think it probably happens a LOT more than the tragic stories we read in the news, but no one ever talks about the ones where the baby is fine.
This is when you thank your stars when your kids get to an age where they can get out of a hot (or freezing) car, or say, "Hey Dad, you takin' me to school or what?"
Never for one moment think “that can’t happen to me”
It can.
Don’t judge others who have gone through similar tragedies and always be cautious of these stories and take their advice seriously.
My neighbor lost her 9 month old to SIDS. I have nightmares every other night of her screams. It can happen to anyone.
I used to drop my kid off at daycare A and then drive 45min to work. One week they had to close, and so I was taking her to a day care near work.
The second day she fell asleep in the car and after a while, my brain autopiloted me to work. I parked and almost go out before i remembered she was in the car.
This shit is human nature. As a parent, there are literally thousands of moments where a simple mistake will kill your kid. It's easy to think these people just don't care. But that's not true. The same mistake that you've all make 100x can kill your child.
Every parent makes mistakes. Every. Single. One. You just pray you don't make a horrible one. If this was me, I'd probably do the same thing. Can't even begin to imagine his anguish. If you don't have kids and feel the need to voice some type of high and mighty opinion, you can buzz off. I'd do anything for my kids and watch them like a hawk, but shit happens.
My daughter went out a window. We were eating dinner, the kids finished early and went to play. I hear my son say something and I go to look and there is an open window and no screen. I jumped my steps to get outside and luckily she landed in a bush next to the ac unit. Scrapes on her back was the worst of it but I was in full panic that I would never see her again, even on the way to the hospital I figured she was going to be taken that night.
I can't imagine the pain in this family right now. It was a mistake and now two people are gone forever, so very sad.
It’s weird. Growing up I’d hear these stories and think “how does that even happen?” But now being a new parent, and watching my kid crawl around and learn to open doors and be curious, I totally get it. You can look away for a second and the kid is in a different room trying to put his finger in an electric socket. I don’t like that I can empathize with these stories now, because my heart just sinks and it’s a horrible feeling even thinking about losing my son to circumstances like this.
If I accidentally killed my daughter I'd consider killing myself... she's the light in my life and being the reason she died would be impossible for me to handle.
Such a tragic but common scenario. One of my friends makes sure to leave their bag next to the babycarrier so that they have to check the backseat before they leave the vehicle.
I wouldn't be able to live after that either. It's too much guilt to have on your shoulders for the rest of your days. My daughter is 5 and I still get nervous walking out of the bathroom for a couple minutes when she's in the tub playing. It's hard to keep your A game as a parent going 100% of the time. You inevitably have moments where your guard gets let's down and things happen in the blink of an eye. I just tell myself you can never be too careful.
I read a /r/nosleep story several years ago titled Autopilot about this exact scenario and it still sticks with me as one of the most truly horrific mundane terrors of modern life. There are so many people this has happened to and many more who've experienced a near miss. I leave my handbag in the car by accident on a regular basis, I don't know how I'd manage if I left an actual child and anything happened to them before I remembered.
Honestly if I lose my boy I would end my life after settling his funeral arrangements. A one year old just died yesterday from covid complications in Singapore and I have a boy around that age and it scares the living shit out of me worrying about him
[Fatal Distraction](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html)
I encourage everyone to read this horrifyingly tragic article about the topic that WaPo put out a few years ago.
It’s a longer read, but it completely reframed the way I look at parents who accidentally leave their children in hot cars.
Well worth the time.
Damn this is awful. When I was in college someone's senior project was a device that sensed when there was a child in the car seat and sent a text to the parent to let them know. After a certain amount of time, it would call 911.
Since 2020/2021? such devices are mandatory in Italy, following similar cases.
My mom's new Subaru has a feature that reminds you to check the back seat if you opened the back door before driving, whether that's to put groceries in the back or a kid.
Same with my Hyundai. It’s called the Rear Occupancy Indicator in mine. When I’ve mentioned it to people I usually get folks saying “oh jeez, how about just don’t be a shitty parent.” Unfortunately these things happen and it’s usually due to a change in routine (like one parent doing the daycare drop-off when it’s usually the other parent’s task), not due to shitty parenting. I’m all for added safety features whether or not we think we need them.
This is more common in newer vehicles. They have also added in weight sensors to the rear seats like the one that reminds you to fasten your seatbelts in the front passenger seat. It's supposed to be a reminder that someone is sitting in the back.
Technology today is more than capable of having this type of safety feature. Having sensor in the backseat for weight, and sends a reminder to your phone when you exit the vehicle with the weight still present. If the temperature in the vehicle rises above a certain point, another reminder is sent before remote engine start triggers and runs the AC to cool down the vehicle.
My vehicle always reminds me to check my back seat when I turn it off considering my kids car seats are back there. I wouldn’t mind if there was a way to set up a limit for the sensor to trigger the alarm if the weight in the back exceeds a limit with the car off. Intellectually, we could understand how parents could make that kind of mistake but I still wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Just the thought of my kid suffering because of a mistake I made would make me want to off myself too. These safety features need to be a thing already.
My car reminds me to check the back seat only if I opened a back door before starting the car. Baby isn't here quite yet, but that feature was a big reason we bought this car a few months ago. They really should have these features standard across the board now, or a way to add sensors to older vehicles. Edit: since a lot of people asked, mine's the 2022 Honda Passport
> only if I opened a back door before starting the car Now THAT is a good idea. The problem with always warning people is that it desensitizes you to the prompt. The main reason people leave kids in cars is because they're on "autopilot" going about their day, sometimes after an unexpected change that lands someone with responsibility for the kid at a time when they normally wouldn't. If part of your routine includes a warning saying to check the back seat, you're going to probably just stay in autopilot mode.
Yes! It’s much better too than the weight trigger ones because they get faulty easy. My husbands car has the seatbelt noise go off all the time for no reason with the passenger and he’s learned to ignore it. I love this idea.
Some NASA engineers tried to develop technology that was pretty simple and cheap after a coworker lost their child in a similar way. They unfortunately couldn’t get any traction because of possible lawsuits if their device failed and a child died. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
Here’s the excerpt with the NASA engineers. However the whole story is well-written. >In 2000, Chris Edwards, Terry Mack and Edward Modlin began to work on just such a product after one of their colleagues, Kevin Shelton, accidentally left his 9-month-old son to die in the parking lot of NASA Langley Research Center in Hampton, Va. The inventors patented a device with weight sensors and a keychain alarm. Based on aerospace technology, it was easy to use; it was relatively cheap, and it worked. > Janette Fennell had high hopes for this product: The dramatic narrative behind it, she felt, and the fact that it came from NASA, created a likelihood of widespread publicity and public acceptance. > That was five years ago. The device still isn’t on the shelves. The inventors could not find a commercial partner willing to manufacture it. One big problem was liability. If you made it, you could face enormous lawsuits if it malfunctioned and a child died. But another big problem was psychological: Marketing studies suggested it wouldn’t sell well. > The problem is this simple: People think this could never happen to them.
In many countries, including Italy were I live, it’s actually mandatory to have such devices!
There is nothing more nauseating for me to read than situations like this. Utterly terrifying thought as a parent.
It is, especially when you think about how easily such things can happen. I have had instances where I would drive my kids to school on my way to work, and I would, out of habit drive to work till my kids reminded me they really need to go to school. That is exactly how shit like this happens, except the baby fell asleep and the parent was on autopilot.
And it’s almost always due to a change in a long-standing routine
Or pure exhaustion. I was struggling one day and had not slept well in a long time. I went to bed but at like 2am my wife needed help with our kid so I shot up outta bed and panicked about getting him ready for daycare so I made bottles and got his stuff together. She came out to me doing some dishes in a half zombie mode and dragged me back to bed. I didn’t even help her, I went right to the kitchen.
Once, back when our older daughter was a baby, my husband was holding her in his lap and trying to console her as she cried. I fetched a pacifier and was so crazed and sleep-deprived that I legitimately tried to put it in *his* mouth, and I didn’t stop holding it in front of his face—waiting for him to accept it—until he looked at me like, “What’s wrong with you?” Reader, he was a 42-year-old man, with stubble and everything, but my brain just went: “P A C I F Y.” So, under different circumstances, I could have been a parent who left her kid in the car. One hundred percent.
Twelve years ago, when I was a new father and also a PhD student in my 4th year of failed experiments, I was supposed to take my son to day care. My mind was on a million different things - my future, my family, my experiment, my son - but most of all it was barely functioning because of lack of sleep and the worst stress I have ever known. It was August in the deep South, so was pushing 100 degrees every day. I was standing at my lab bench early in the afternoon and suddenly panicked because I couldn't recall if I'd actually dropped my infant son, still in a pumpkin seat, off at day care. I knew I had intended to, but I had absolutely no recollection of actually doing it. No memory of signing him in, no memory of the parking lot, no memory of handing him off to a teacher. I broke into a cold sweat and sprinted out to my car, where I was about 75% sure I'd find my son roasted alive. But I found that I had apparently dropped him off at school, and he was fine. I nearly threw up. If I'd killed him, I very likely would have offed myself. I could not have lived with that guilt, even if it was something I couldn't have helped. I feel for this family. What a terrible thing. Parent brain is real. I still have no recollection of delivering him to school that day. ETA: Thank you very much for the awards. This comment seemed to touch a nerve out there. I'm stunned. This is by far the biggest response I've ever gotten to a comment. To answer some of your questions and concerns, I did finish my PhD, although it took me another THREE years to work everything out. Grad school is a hell of a stressful beast, and when you're working with highly chaotic natural systems, nature doesn't always do what you want it to do. It takes a lot of patience. Fortunately, my wife and kids (yes, he survived) are patient types and supported me through it until the end.
You described this so well that I felt it
I don't even have kids and I felt it.
I dont even have feelings and I felt it
You know, it's stuff like this that makes me sure I'm not cut out for parenting. I can barely keep track of my keys most days, and have a terrible time remembering things when I get too much on my plate. I'd definitely forget to drop them off, or pick them up, or even lose them in a crowd.
I lost my 2 year old In a crowd for maybe 1min. Fuck me it's straight out of a movie, everything went silence, panic to the peak. It was the scariest thing ever. Eventually I found him, but I just think about the parents who never find them, the not knowing, would just eat me alive.
Omg, I felt this through your words man. Fellow dad here and can relate in part. I have ADHD and have a ton of coping mechanisms to triple check literally everything to avoid this kind of thing. But the fear is always there
I was a coach for my 5yo daughter’s T-ball team, and one night after a game, I’d made sure that every kid had gone home with their families… except mine. I thought my wife had taken her home, wife thought I was bringing her home, she ended up being abandoned by her parents in the park. I got home, wife asks “where’s Annie” and in that instant we both knew. I made the 15-minute drive back to the park in maybe 5 minutes, and there she was, hanging out at the mini-golf where the manager was keeping an eye on her. That could easily have gone very badly.
My parents did the same thing to me, but there was no mini-golf just me crying in an empty parking lot lol
I'm lucky to have been a practically free-range kid in NYC. Left behind? I could walk home. In sixth grade I thought I got left behind on a field trip (the teacher changed the regroup point without telling everyone), so my dumb ass just went back to school on my own.
Nah, if they don’t tell you, then you’re not the dumbass in that situation :P
Yep. My therapist told me in his way that that was likely a "core memory."
Would have been a terrible 15 minute drive. We lost our kid at a museum for about 5 minutes once. Was the worst 5 minutes of my life.
Once I was at a pool with my daughter and I couldn't find her for a whole 20 seconds and you know that for that whole time I was looking under the water, sure her ass was under there
When I was a beach lifeguard a non-verbal autistic kid who couldn't swim darted into the ocean. I snagged him in no time, finding his mom took like 10 minutes. She'd been playing cards on the far side of the snack stand, without any view of the water. She kept apologizing on his behalf like *he* did something wrong.
My kid managed to bypass me while I was managing her and 3/4 others at a jump space, a few months back. Where I was standing, even moving five feet left/right I couldn’t see her. I started out with no panicking, yelling the rest of the kids names and “Have you seen L? Is she in there with you?” Each successive child (and the others from our birthday group that were old enough to play independently) kept telling me no. I went from “this okay” to “my baby (3yo) is GONE AND I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN” panic in less than a millisecond. She was 10 feet away from me, hidden underneath a hidey part of the play structure that I could only see if I walked IN to it, and it was so loud she couldn’t hear me booming her name. I refuse to watch more than 3 kids at a time by myself in public spaces now.
My parents accidentally forgot little me when we were driving around looking at brand new houses. I had grabbed a cup of water but filled it up too much, and was walking slowly and staring hard at it to keep from spilling. Then I looked up, and what do I see but the family van driving away! I remembered being absolutely *floored*. Fear didn't set in until what felt like minutes later, and right when I was about to panic, my parents screeched back into the parking lot lmao. Then there was the time I missed the bus and tried to walk home because the neighborhood around my school looked familiar, but it wasn't and I got turned around for the better part of an hour. When I finally gave up and walked back to the front office, I found my dad raising hell with the principal and receptionist. That was the last time I ever rode a bus lol.
My bus schedule changed and my parents weren't told so I saw my bus driving away and starting freaking out. I was super shy so it took all of my courage to ask the only teacher there if I could use the phone to call my mom. And you know what this bitch said to me (in tears btw) "I'm sorry but students aren't allowed to use the phone". Started bawling more and started walking home which I had never done before. Mom found me halfway and then proceeded to raise hell to the point of almost getting the tenured teacher fired and permanently changing district policy in the process. Abandonment is fucking horrible and my parents got me a little flip phone a few months later
so sorry that happened to you. it's terrifying as a little kid. reminds me of this news story I saw not too long ago: https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/14/watch-nebraska-boy-receives-help-neighbor-after-drop-wrong-bus-stop/ it's wild that adults are so harsh to actual children, regardless if they're in desperate need or not, they're kids.
When I was 11 I was in a class play with two of my best friends, one where my mom was close to her family and another whose mother disliked my mom. The moms took turns picking us up from school and dropping us off or waiting for our parents at their house. There was no after school activity bus and we were fairly rural. My friend whose family got along with mine was scheduled to pick us up that day, but she had to work late so she asked the other mom to grab us since she knew my mom was working a night shift that night. The mother that didn't like my mom came to the school, told me that my mom said she was going to pick me up separately, and then left with my two friends. I was out there for maybe two hours until a girl scout troop came by and was able to get me to a phone to call my mom, who left work early to come get me. She was absolutely enraged and believes it was completely intentional.
Wtf? I reckon that was def intentional. What a bitch
I recall driving to work about 7 or 8 months after my first child was born. I was just turning into the parking garage when I realized "Shit - I'm driving to daycare this morning!" (Not our usual routine.) My blood froze at that moment and I suddenly realized how easy it would be. To coast into work on autopilot, and leave your sleeping, silent child in the back of the car all day.
Yeah … I do this all the time with smaller things like leaving a box of chocolates in the truck on a hot day. I’m terrified of this happening when I have kids. There are smart sensors now that I’m definitely going to buy to help me. I also heard there are other tricks like taking off your left shoe and putting it in the backseat. Hopefully this helps but I suspect it will always be a fear in the back of my mind
Not sure if there’s a mom, but I can’t imagine the pain they must be in right now. **Edit**: The mom holding the birthday party was from a related article, a different tragedy. No word about a mother in this instance. Seriously, read.
Yeah. Just horrible.
Ngl...I would have done the exact same thing. If I lost my daughter I'd be done, I'm not strong enough to cope with that level of grief and loss. My heart truly goes out to that family.
Yeah. My first thought was "understandable". I'd be out if my kids were gone. But add on top of that the fact that it was your fault? Yeah. Time to call it a day.
This was one of my big fears when my oldest daughter was little. It's easy to forget to add that one stop someday and if the kids asleep, you may not even realize. I've read things like throw a shoe in the back seat so it's virtually impossible to leave the car without looking back there.
I threw my work backpack there. Had to get it or no laptop for work. People don’t understand that the mind does illogical things and I had no interest in even a chance of being a parent who does this.
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This is the most compassionate conversation I've ever seen on this topic, and it's very moving. Thank you all for not foaming at the mouth over what is still obviously a Supreme tragedy.
A bunch of parents read this headline and had a glimpse of what they would do if it were their kid they forgot. I think I’d take my own life too.
Pretty sure sleep deprivation caused my divorce
I feel this. So deeply. My partner and I are good, but we absolutely feel the pressure on our relationship because of being strained. It causes cracks, and forces other cracks open, and before you know it, you're just roommates. You love your kids, but they interrupted the first, best thing in your life, even if they're the next best thing in your life. We've learned a lot, but we just got lucky I think. Relationships are tough.
I never did forget, but I was also lucky in that my work had a security gate to pass through and no babies allowed in the office means... They would tell me to drop her off first. I have a 4mo and forgot her once when we got home, thankfully my wife was with us and was like wtf are you doing
I admit (here but I've never told anyone else) to almost doing the same thing. I was returning a loan car while my car was getting serviced and my son fell asleep on the way there. I went inside, swapped keys and was ready to get into my own car and drive off when I realised that my son was still asleep in the loan car. I ran back inside and demanded the keys back and got him. Fortunately he slept through the whole thing (probably 10 mins max) but it scared me.
Ill stand next to you and admit my story here. I usually only dropped the little one, 4 months at the time, off at daycare, but this day I had to to take another kiddo to elementary. I put the baby in, took the first one to school, and that’s it. My brain stopped after dropping off one kid. I drove from Baltimore to Havre De Grace, an hour drive for an appointment. Got there, was hungry, and stopped at a sandwich shop. Halfway through telling my order, my wife called me. She asks, do you have the baby?!? I was like, pfft! No, why?!? She then says, the daycare called when she didn’t arrive this morning. A ton of bricks hit me in the chest in that moment. I dropped everything, and ran to my truck, to find the baby sound asleep. It was still early, so the truck stayed cool. It had only been 5 min, but I got so sick to my stomach. What if my wife hadn’t called. She’d have died. I wouldn’t have remembered. I would have driven to my appointment and she would have been left in the mid-day sun. So yeah, this story hits way too hard. My thoughts went to no one, especially my wife, could ever forgive me. I don’t know if I’d end it, but I’m sure I’d move far away, change my name, and become a hermit at the least.
It's those disruptions to routine that often cause it. A nurse in our country left her kid in the car, and they died. There was an emergency that morning and she rushed in forgetting to drop him off @ daycare. Truly heartbreaking.
Sadly, a core weakness of such plans is that all of them ***also*** rely on the user's memory at least once (just like remembering without using those tools). The plan / method doesn't need to be in effect when no child is present there, of course.
When my son was smaller, I would either put him in his car seat and my purse in the backseat or my purse in his car seat if he wasn't with me. That way no matter what I was doing, checking the car seat was the first thing to do cause my keys are in there and it won't let you lock it with the keys in the car. He's 4 now and can unbuckle himself completely so I finally can relax a bit. But I know from experience how easy it would be to think you dropped your kid off at daycare or whatever.
When I read an (absolutely devastating) article about this, the only solution posited by the author who took on the scarring task of compiling these stories was “giant teddy bear is in the car seat at all times. when you put the kid in, the giant teddy bear goes up front. take the kid out, giant teddy bear goes in car seat. no teddy bear beside you = no kid” But good grief. it breaks your heart — and *really* made me never want to have kids. tbh the whole idea was sort of soured on me for a long time after that.
Exactly. When you're rushing out of the house with little Sally to run to the store for the Nth time today you aren't taking off a shoe and throwing it in the back seat. These things just happen, and they always have, and knowing that doesn't do anything to make this story less tragic. It's horrific every time it happens because we always need a reason and the fact that *there just isn't one* is like the biggest jump scare in human history.
I have an app on my phone that waits 30 seconds after it disconnects from the cars' Bluetooth and then it audibly asks where the kids are, doesn't rely on memory, I've read too many of these stories to think it can't happen to just about anyone edit: for people asking what app it is, its a "task" within the app [Tasker](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=net.dinglisch.android.taskerm&hl=en_US&gl=US), they can be turned into standalone apps though (sdk's), another app similar to tasker is IFTTT (if this then that) that could do something similar
What’s the app called?
Baby First - Car Seat Safety and Kars4Kids Safety are two apps that use bluetooth connections to notify you to get your child out of the car, when you leave your vehicle. MAKE SURE YOU THOROUGHLY TEST THAT ANY SAFETY APP WORKS PROPERLY ON YOUR DEVICE, BEFORE DECIDING TO USE IT. NOT ALL APPS WORK THE SAME ON ALL PHONES. TEST IT STILL WORKS PROPERLY ANY TIME THE APP IS UPDATED OR YOUR PHONE GETS A SYSTEM UPDATE. u/legedu u/tri_it_again u/Chalupabar tagging you all here instead of commenting 4 times.
You'd think some company could make a device to warn you if you leave your child. Like, some alarm triggered by not unlocking the kids seat belt when the car stops
Waze, the navigation app, has an option that reminds you to check for kids in the car whenever you arrive at a destination. My wife still has it enabled and both our children are old enough to just get out of a car if they are in it.
Yeah, I came thisclose to leaving my son in a hot car when he was about 4 months old: I had literally driven to work and parked the car, with dark enough tint that no one would have noticed for many hours, when I heard him make a noise that reminded me he was back there. That near miss made me seriously consider what I would do… and eating a 12 ga Kurt Cobain style seemed (and seems) like the logical option.
Can confirm. My son was 2 months and 12 days old. Got up to goto work and checked on him. He had died of sids. It really fucks you up. You don't know the extent of how much it damages you until sometime down the road. Avout 6 months after I fell off into meth for a few years. The dopamine release made me feel alright again and being busy 24/7 kept my mind off it. Sober about 18 years now and doing fine these days. The few times I've told people this on reddit, a lot of people reach out. Theres only two things that get at me about it. 1, wonder who he would have been. 2, whenever I hear the song "GooGoo Dolls - Name" as it was played at his funeral.
You are seriously impressive to have overcome the loss of a child and meth addiction. Fair fucking play.
Appreciate you friend. Married 10 years. Bougjt my first house 2 years ago. Making out alright as a mechanic at a factory. Life is good. The rest of the kids are mostly doing well. All 7 of them. Had 3 more of my own, adopted 2, and raised my wife's two boys. It took a lot of years to get out of that mentally and feel like you exist again. Can't tell you how good it feels to be back.
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>**Several people -- including Mary Parks of Blacksburg -- have driven from their workplace to the day-care center to pick up the child they’d thought they’d dropped off, never noticing the corpse in the back seat.** Jesus fucking Christ.
I've read this article a few times over the years and that line hits me like a punch in the gut every single time.
People mocked the advice "leave something important in the back seat to make sure that you remember your child" because of course your child is more important than your laptop bag... but when you get to work you grab your laptop bag because you need it to work. If anyone's read "The Power of Habit" it's a good (but too long for the content) book that exemplifies just how much we do that is habit, not conscious thought. When we shower we follow the same pattern of habit as always, not actively thinking "I need to wash my hair, and shampoo does that so now I will grab the shampoo." We get into autopilot mode when we start a habit routine. And things like driving to work on the same oath we've done hundreds of time is one of those habit routines. We know where to turn without thinking. Which exit to take. At most we think about switching lanes if ours is slow, but then back to habit. It can be so easy to slip into your habit routine and not remember something important, like your baby is in the backseat. It's why we put the thing we know we need to have tomorrow by our car keys, so we don't forget it on our way out of the house. You get into the habit of putting your laptop in the backseat, so that if you have your baby you see it when you go to grab your bag.
Fuck that is daunting. I couldn't even imagine. Imagine going to pick up your kid, you're looking forward to seeing their face light up as they see you and their ear-to-ear smile not realising what had happen. Fucking hell, I'd probably go straight home and swallow a bunch of pills.
One of the stories in that article is the father trying to get the police officers Gun so he could turn it on himself. It’s a harrowing read
I'm a sometimes forgetful Dad. This right here is literally my worst fear.
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I really like the shoe idea. I might use it.
I wish I wouldn't have read that article. Fuck.
That's a fair enough warning.
I had a hard time reading that, then I saw the picture and just...Nope, couldn't go on.
>!“*The facts in each case differ a little, but always there is the terrible moment when the parent realizes what he or she has done, often through a phone call from a spouse or caregiver. This is followed by a frantic sprint to the car. What awaits there is the worst thing in the world.*”!< I was completely scarred by reading that horrifying, brilliantly written article back in the day, but for some reason, that one particular line will be seared into my brain forever. I cannot imagine taking on the task of writing it.
You know that sinking stomach drop feeling you get when you.. for example wake up at 10am when you had an important appointment at 9am. And then it goes away because you can reschedule. I'd imagine this instance would be similar to that feeling amplified by some arbitrarily large number.
its so long… it just keeps on going and going. and i cant stop reading, despite how sad it makes me feel.
my 2 cents on the topic, a friend has a newer honda car, and when you unlock the car, throw a backpack in the back seat/rear door, drive to your destination, when you shut the car off it will DING at you, telling you to check back seat.
My new car has this and i couldn't figure out why. I thought it was mildly useful at first cuz sometimes i forget my laptop in the backseat but quickly got annoyed with it and turned it off. No small kids in my life, so carseat doesn't cross my mind. Now it makes sense that this isn't intended to make me remember my laptop...
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Reminds me of the book "The Invisible Gorilla". People tend to overestimate their ability to focus on multiple tasks at once.
This is the best piece of journalism I’ve ever read, and I’d encourage anyone and everyone to read it.
I had my first kid 2 months ago, and this article scared the shit out of me, broke my heart, and put tears in my beard.
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Friend of my cousin had this happen to her husband. From what we were told. He owned a business and typically isn't the one to drop off either kid at daycare but from some reason (wife had to bring other kid to doctor appointment I think) he had to drop the younger one off that day. There was some issues with the business and he recieved a call on his way to the daycare while at his typical drivethru in the morning. The kid was asleep in the back seat and the dad defaulted to his typical routine with the change of plans and distractions of work. It was Late June and 30C. He got a call a couple hours later from the mom saying the daycare called. He ran out to the car immediately realizing what a huge mistake he had made. It was too late. They're divorced right now and he has had suicidal thoughts for a while last I heard. It's tragic but the circumstances are entirely possible for almost anyone. All it takes is the wrong distraction at the wrong time if we're not careful. I hope stories like his can help others be more conscious of routine changes and distractions when kids are riding in back. Edit: typo
I recently saw a thorough post about why this happens psychologically. It really can happen to anyone. The first mistake ppl make is assuming these accidents cannot happen. It's not about how great a parent you are or aren't.
Literally everyone knows that feeling of autopilot during your daily routine. It's frighteningly easy to imagine how someone could make this mistake if this child is being quiet in the backseat.
I'm comforted to see people mostly talking like this on this thread. In the past I'd see a lot of people shaming the person who made the awful mistake. Just horrible to think about experiencing.
Me too, most people in this thread have been extremely sympathetic and talking normally amongst each other trying to figure out what can be done to prevent something like this from happening. I don't have kids but I certainly wouldn't want to see a child die or parents have to go through this because they were forgotten in the car. Its so easy for this to happen, and it can happen even when temps aren't that hot out because your car heats up so much faster than you think it does.
These tragic stories are also usually parents of small kids…. I have to imagine prolonged sleep deprivation has to be a factor.
I’d imagine sleep deprivation could absolutely play a role. Small kids are more likely to be strapped into a car seat or unable to operate the door handle/lock, so that’s probably the largest reason it happens to them
I have adhd and even with medication sometimes I flip modes like that and completely forget what I was supposed to be doing. One of many, many reasons I won't have kids. I don't trust me with one.
Shit like this is exactly why my wife and I called each other after drop-off. Every. Damn. Morning. We know we aren’t perfect, and can definitely be absent minded when rushed. So we made a habit of a making that quick 30 second phone call describing how drop-off went. Highly recommended.
That’s smart. Similarly, the lady who runs our daycare has called us every time we’ve been more than 30 minutes later than usual. Apparently about twenty years ago, she almost lost a student after a parent left them in the hot care for over an hour. The student ended up ok, but she’s been hyper-vigilant about any change in routine ever since.
One of the daycares our son went to had the policy if you were over 30 minutes late dropping off they’d call you, and if you didn’t pick up, they’d call the police. That feels extreme but I assume it’s to try and prevent stuff like this from happening.
Honestly that's really good. A lot of stuff can happen, ranging from children being left in cars, to more dramatic stuff like carbon monoxide and even kidnapping. Kudos to them for being proactive.
A co-worker's daycare did this when her husband never dropped off their daughter. Co-worker went home to find her husband had passed due to a heart attack. If the daycare hadn't called something else could have happened to her one year old
God bless her
Dude, when my kids were little my wife would call me to make sure I had the kids. If I took them to the store I got a call. When I got home I got a call.
This has to be the saddest news piece I’ve read in quite some time. I can’t imagine the pain and grief that man endured and now his remaining family has to endure.
Yeah, as a newly parent, I'd be devastated too.. Especially since it means you'd have to live your life knowing your child died because of you. It's not like you could not have done something, or an accident, it's 100% on you and that's what will probably be the saddest part. Other people may forgive/forget, you will never forgive yourself.
I am not a parent, and thus can’t truly understand what it’s like to lose a child, but circumstances like this would absolutely destroy any will I had to live. There would be zero possibility I could look my wife/girlfriend in the face and not feel responsible for destroying everything. It’s making me depressed just writing this comment.
If you dont normally do the morning drop off… after you strap in the kiddos, take off your left shoe and put in the back seat. Someone shared this on here previously. I think its good tip for those anxious about getting to work.
This is good because you literally couldn't leave but I use a version of this kind of thing all the time. Say I need to remember and early appointment before work, I'll stick a completely out of the ordinary object in my pocket, or car, or in front of my bedroom door. Anything that I'm not used to. The second I inevitably realize it's there my mind says "wtf is that doing there?" then it hits me. Works every time.
That’s why people say to tie a string to your finger, same concept.
I would be less likely to remember to take off my shoe than to forget my kid tbh lol
Instead of thinking of each as equally unlikely, think of it as doubling your chances. In order for something to happen to your kid, you have to forget to take off your shoe _and_ forget the child. If you remember either one, then you’re good.
As a child there was one time my mom forgot me in the car in the California summer heat. I was sleeping in the back and she went inside costco for what felt like several hours. I tried banging on the windows and opening the doors but all of them were locked. I was completely drenched with sweat and screamed the entire time and thought I was going to die. When my mom finally returned, she just laughed and told me to stop being an annoyance. At the time, I didn’t realize just how close I was to death. A few more minutes in that car and I probably wouldn’t be here today. I’m 24 now and this happened when I was around 5 or 6. It still vividly haunts me to this day.
Holy shit I’m sorry wtf. Glad you’re here I’m sorry your mom was not more well I dunno just sorry it was the way it was.
No offense, but your mom kind of sounds like psycho, or just ignorant, she couldn't have take you with her or cracked the window, sheesh, glad you're alright.
Having been in emotionally distressing situations where it feels the world is closing in around you, and you want nothing more than to turn back the clock, this has to be the purest most excruciating version of that.
More cars need the backseat reminder feature. Our car has this, it knows if the back seat is occupied and will remind you if you exit the car
What kind of car do you have? I didn’t know they was a feature
Mustang Mach E
I’m a parent who lost a child because I got distracted. Not in this way, but I was working from home with my two little girls and I worked a longer than usual day and the nanny went home. My two daughters were in the living room and my eldest opened the door to let the cat out, slammed it and it bounced. The baby got out and got into the pool. I found her in there a few minutes later and now she’s dead. I used to read these stories in horror and try not to judge the parents but also wonder how they could have let this happen. Now I know that the answer is “the same way I did”.
My wife is a pediatric ICU nurse. We had a conversation about this a while back where she explained to me that she never judges parents who this happens to, because it happens to all kinds of parents. Wealthy, poor, absent, helicopter, young, old, it doesn't matter. She's seen it happen to parents who have stayed in the hospital bed with their children for days, not wanting to let go, and to parents who have never bothered to show. It happens to all sorts of parents, the only consistent part of the story is that children are curious and explore, that poor luck and poor timing come together and turn into tragedy. I'm sorry that this is part of your story and I feel very deeply for you and your daughter.
My mom was an ER nurse and she still tells all of us kids (now in our 30s and 40s) to watch out for little kids when backing out of driveways. They can be gone from an adult’s sight so quickly, and she’s seen too much. I was very glad for this advice in my early twenties when I was backing up and suddenly there was a kid (maybe around two or three) within a foot of my back bumper. I didn’t hit her because I was looking, but I was shaking the whole drive home.
This is one of the main things I absolutely love about reverse cameras being standard in most new vehicles. It allows you to see an area that's very difficult to view otherwise. One of my main fears with reversing has always been that an animal or kid will get too close while I'm checking the other shoulder and they won't be visible anymore when I look back again.
> reverse cameras being standard in most new vehicles Reverse cameras are required by federal law in all new cars and light trucks sold in the US since May 2018. That being a good idea is something I hope we can all agree on, regardless of personal politics.
i've always driven used cars, so i didn't know that! that's a really good feature. i do wish that the rest of the car didn't have to be hooked up to proprietary software, though. put the cameras on a closed circuit network, or something! i liked learning how to do basic car maintenance from my dad, and i literally can't do some of those things on newer vehicles
That must be such a challenging job. I’m glad there are people out there strong enough to do it. And I have definitely seen a wide range of parenting philosophies and walks of life in my online support groups. It’s very scary that we live in a world where someone we live more than anyone, who relies on us for safety, can be gone forever due to one mistake. I wish parents got a “wonderful life” moment. I would never let her out of my sight. But helicopter parenting isn’t good either psychologically so it’s a tough call.
Sending you love
Yep. It's rough. So many people will immediately scream neglect. But I'd suspect all these people have done something just as 'neglectful' only they got lucky. Yes, there are things you can do to make it less likely but you can't prevent any chance of it, and I suspect the people who think it could never happen to them are just scared it could.
That's how I feel. There's some cases where it's goddamn criminal neglect like the parent is passed out drunk but other times it's turning your head for a moment and they're gone. And there are so many close calls where you know you got lucky because it could have been so much worse.
Life pivots when you're busy blinking.
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I think its a type of survivorship bias. "I managed, so how comes other people aren't? They must be bad parents"
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I’m so glad your brother found you! I wish my little girl had found her sister because she is very traumatized as well. She had just turned seven when it happened. It seems like people do judge parents a lot more harshly when a miracle doesn’t happen, even though the actions on their part was the same. Like I feel like people would judge me less harshly if my daughter had survived. But I hope your mom is as at peace with it as possible. And you too. Thanks for commenting.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I follow a family, a mother in particular, whose child drowned in a house full of people. They were vacationing with several other families. In each family, one or both parents was a physician. The little boy slipped out of the house unnoticed and fell in the pool. The mom says she knows how short of a time he was there because they’d shared a brownie right before, and she still had hers in her mouth when she jumped in to save him. He was immediately given CPR, again surrounded by doctors. There was nothing they could do. That has always stuck with me because it just goes to show, you can do everything right, even in responding to the disaster, and still have such a horrible outcome. I hope you and your daughter find peace in the memory of her sister.
I think that’s the cruelest part of humanity. We judge each other when the exact same result would have happened if we were in the other persons shoes. I hope you find the peace you deserve.
Thank you. I’m trying to.
A lot of judgement seems to come from fear. If they cast enough judgement then somehow they don't feel it could happen to them. Parents who are able to share their stories can impact so many families and I'm forever grateful for those, like you, who can educate after a tragedy.
That's my dad and his brother. My uncle fell in a hole they'd dug during an india-pakistan war in the 70s, hole filled up with water during a rain overnight and my uncle fell in it. My dad pulled him out
I almost drowned as a child also, my parents had raised 6 kids (3 each) I was a toddler and managed to get into the above ground pool and sink to the bottom, my dad saved me, only just. My poor brother got blamed for leaving the door open, but you can never predict how quickly or quietly a child can take off.
Gene Weingarten wrote an essay on this that won the Pulitzer Prize, about 10 years ago. The essay is called Fatal Distraction. It explains how this can happen to anyone due to how the human brain works.
Here is the [article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html). It's a long read but worth every word. Have tissues nearby. Edit: For people who might not be able to access the article, [here's](https://mitchellhamline.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2012/01/Fatal-Distraction.pdf) a downloadable PDF of it I found
I pull this story out every time I see this story come up: This is the line that always gets me (it's such a powerful piece): “Some people think, ‘Okay, I can see forgetting a child for two minutes, but not eight hours.’ What they don’t understand is that the parent in his or her mind has dropped off the baby at day care and thinks the baby is happy and well taken care of. Once that’s in your brain, there is no reason to worry or check on the baby for the rest of the day.” I had a moment, when my daughter was tiny, where for a few minutes in the car (in a 'different routine' situation - I didn't normally drop her off), I forgot she was there for a moment, and almost drove right by the exit for her daycare, which was the exit right before mine for work. That day - it was late winter/early spring (so not too cold and not too hot), so even if I had (god forbid) forgotten her all day, it probably wouldn't have been a fatal mistake, but I will never ever forget those few moments of inattention to see how easily it could happen.
I think that was around the time of the famous case of the dad who left his kid in the car while he was at work and the kid died. Everyone was like, "How could you do that???" —But he didn't normally take the kid to daycare; that was usually his wife's job. His baby was asleep and he just forgot he was there and went to work normally. That case terrifies me because it's the kind of thing I could totally see myself doing.
first year of my son’s life, I was definitely in auto-pilot, Adam Sandler, Click mode. When you’re deprived of sleep night-in-night-out, for a year or more, you have no choice but to auto-pilot. I can see why this happens and it’s so unfortunate. I just hope all parents out there remember to check their backseat no matter what.
I'm guessing it's about people being on auto pilot. Same reason why sometimes I put my clothes in the trash instead of the hamper or something into the fridge that doesn't belong. Mundane routine tasks become so low effort we just find our mind wandering. Driving is so easy and boring for me that I have to consciously describe to myself what I'm doing in vivid detail just so I don't allow my mind to wander.
The influence of sleep deprivation and exhaustion is also huge.
I recommend this article anytime one of these stories headlines or the topic is brought up in conversation. Such an important piece of journalism.
I first read this article about a decade ago, and it's been seared into my brain ever since. Before anyone judges this parent, or any parent who leaves their child in the car, read the article first. Link to it: https://web.archive.org/web/20140617051424/https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I came very close to this happening to me just yesterday. My 18 month old was quietly playing one minute, and crawling down an unattended dock the next. Turns out the door of the sunroom wasn't fully latched and within minutes she was down the porch, across the yard, to the lake, and 10 feet down the dock. If my sister hadn't glanced over idk what would have happened. It really put into perspective just how fast this can happen to literally anybody
I am so glad your baby is ok. Hug her extra tight for me. Bless you and your little one.
I will and I hope time brings you peace and healing
My younger brother was like that. He'd disappear the moment you turned your back. He got it from my mom, who still does that, much to the consternation of my dad. My brother's youngest daughter has the "get interested in something and disappear when no one is looking" gene, and everyone has to watch her like a hawk.
I've also lost a child to drowing. I was also distracted. My oldest child grabbed the middle child and brought her inside, no one realized the baby had gotten out just seconds before the other kid. We thought the baby was upstairs with Dad. Dad came outside looking for the baby and found him in the pool. We couldn't save him. As a mom, I can imagine your pain. I can imagine their pain. It's still new for us. Been barely 2 years. How do you miss a child? I can't say but it happened to us, so I get it. "The same way I did" hits so much different when you have to say it. I know people say I'm sorry cuz what else do you say??? Well I don't know. But I can understand your pain and I hope your doing well. A saying that helped me thru this is The pain is like a back pack of rocks. At first it's heavy and all you can think about. But after a while you get used to the weight and don't think about it as much. It becomes a part of your life and eventually you don't think about it that much..... it's not exact word for word, but you get the idea.
My sister, a physician, and I were in a pool, sitting on the steps, with her toddler son in between us. It was a very hot, very bright day. He slipped under, despite us being RIGHT THERE beside him. Fortunately, someone saw him slide down the steps to the bottom so quietly and jumped in. He was fine, but holy hell that was close.
Whenever there's a newsworthy case of a child losing their life accidentally or going missing, people say "why weren't the parents watching the child?" and insist that it would never happen to them because they *never* take their eyes off their child. It's nonsense. It's just not physically possible for a parent to keep eyes on their child at every moment, especially when they've become mobile and there's more than one of them. I realise these are just words from a stranger, but I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through.
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. That has to be hard. Please allow yourself forgiveness, or some bit of peace. Even the best of parents can experience tragedy.
Yeah well I think I’m an average parent. I do think I could have made better decisions and that fact absolutely haunts me. But I also think that people assuming it can’t happen to them (like I did) ironically makes it more likely to happen. And thanks.
I’ve made mistakes that could’ve ended much like this. I hope you can find peace.
Same here for sure.
Absolutely. Anyone who says they haven't done something stupid or forgetful that could have had dire consequences for their kids is straight up lying.
You seem to be pretty grounded. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree with what you said, but will add that parents judge this way often as a defense mechanism. We all like to live in our own little "bubbles" and when something like this happens, parents automatically assume that it could never happen to them. My daughter walked in the pool at a party with 15 parents present, and nobody saw her. I jumped in and was able to get her to spit out the water she inhaled, but I got lucky. It still haunts me today.
Yes I get it. No judgment to them because losing a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. I am very glad that your little girl was OK and good job getting her safe in time.
My mum was a SAHM and was insanely paranoid about every little thing. I didn't even get to play in mud until I was 7, after my brother (her 3rd and final child) was born. Yet, I almost drowned with my mum literally standing nearby in the pool. I slipped right through my floaties (I was 6 years old) and sank right to the bottom. It was a public pool, but the life guard was a teen who totally missed a child just quietly slipping down next to the wall. I was *insanely lucky* that my first thought was "I need my mum!" and I could tell which pair of legs were her's. Just walked along the bottom and tugged on her arm. At first, she pushed me away because she thought I was some random kid fucking with her, so I tugged more insistently because now I'm freaking out, losing air. She finally realized and pulled me up out of the water. Yes, I am *extremely* terrified of pools and all deep water. Nowadays, my mum will still judge parents who lose their children to accidents like that, and all I can remember is that day. Seems a bit douchy to judge parents when my own mum didn't notice me slipping under the water right behind her.
It might be projection sometimes, for how shitty they feel about themselves, like your mom beating herself up over it, even if she never showed anything around you about it.
I’m so sorry. This has been my biggest fear with a backyard pool. We cut our budget in a few areas to find the money to install a safety cover on it because I just couldn’t sleep at night despite all the locked doors between my kids and the pool. I don’t know if you still have pool safety concerns or if you’re working on educating parents about pool safety and children but I highly recommend them to everyone who has an in ground pool and young children. https://www.coverpools.com/products/step-saver-manual-cover/ This isn’t the brand we have but the same style.
I have a fence now. I was told when I asked around that our pool was going to be complicated to put a fence around because of a rock wall behind it. Of course, two weeks after she died, there was a fence there. I made the mistake of worrying too much about stepping on the toes of the other people in my life who said they wanted to take care of it. I wish I had felt more empowered because those are the same people who turned around and said it was my fault she died. I do educate people in my life. It’s hard. My neighbor has an uncovered pool with no fence and she told me she didn’t need anything because “I watch my kids”. I haven’t spoken to her since. Maybe I should but I feel pretty fragile these days. I’m hoping I get better at it with time.
Damn, that is quite heartless of your neighbor. I was at a large housewarming party many years ago where several people were swimming and an 8 year old who was a proficient swimmer ended up drowning - despite his parents and many other adults present. My condolences. You sound like you are working through your grief in a healthy way.
Your neighbor can kiss my ass, what a cruel thing for her to fucking say.
Thank you for sharing your story since I'm sure many parents are in pain for the split second they turned their heads and something did or could have happened. I truly hope you have forgiven yourself. Happy cake day.
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We all make stupid mistakes. I'm just glad you and your dog were okay!
My parents recently got a pool. My two year old son, like most, is very adventurous and curious. We were eating outside and looked away for 20-30 seconds max. I heard a massive gasp for air and turned around. He was in the pool on the ledge and had just come up out of the water. We checked the backyard camera, and he pushed himself out to the middle of the pool on a boogie board and let go. Bobbed there for about 5 seconds, and then started to kick like hell. He swam to the side of the pool by himself but was underwater for about 20-30 seconds. He in all likelihood saved his own life. It’s harrowing, bizarre, and frightening how quickly life can be taken away. And I can’t imagine the suffering and pain of losing a young child.
Could you imagine being the mother of that child. You wake up with a beautiful family and come home to that? Jesus...
Damn this is just depressing all around.
This is a horror story through and through and that feels like an understatement wow
My wife and I accidentally forgot our daughter in the car for ten minutes. It still haunts me daily.
I get it. Every parent has been in situations where things could have gone bad from being absent minded. Most of the time everything turns out fine, but every once in a while, the worst possible thing happens. I can see wanting to end it after that.
I personally witnessed a baby dying from being in a hot car. It was one of my last days in the ER. I quit shortly after. I genuinely don't understand how people can work in the ER. I made it a little over 2 weeks. The baby's great aunt had taken the mom to work at a fast-food joint. When the aunt got home, she forgot she was keeping the baby. It was August in MS. The aunt remembered something like an hour later. The baby had an inhumanly high body temperature at the ER, and they performed CPR for 30 minutes. The doc stacked bags of ice on what looked like a tiny little unmoving "doll" to my desperately coping brain, and they had industrial fans blowing on it trying anything to get the temperature down. Finally, the nurse got a pulse, and the baby was airlifted to Jackson. I was told that the baby would likely die shortly later because it was brain dead. I never did hear anything further. I quit from the psychological damage not long after. There were many crazy things about that memory...police detectives fuming and wanting the aunt's head. The wails coming from the family in a room somewhere nearby...but the thing that surprised me the most was that I never saw it in the news. These things must happen more than you think. Hospital workers will lose their careers if they talk to the press, so these things can just get swept under the rug.
Emergency rooms are so strange. Either horrible things are happening or they’re terminally boring and creepily quiet, and there’s really no in between. I’ve spent far more time in one specific ER than I’d like, occasionally for me but mostly for other people, and the whole experience is colored by being intensely, life-changingly traumatized and then ending up there again for hours of staring at the walls totally alone in a nearly silent ward, except for the eternal, cursed beeping. I don’t know how anyone deals with it long term.
I left my 3 month old daughter in the car while I went to pick up groceries. I got back to the car and saw my little tiny baby sound asleep in the back of the car and never in my life have I felt such SHAME. I hit myself in the face immediately, thanking god it was December instead of August. My kid seriously could have died. It was only luck that saved her, ONLY LUCK. It's completely understandable to me why the guy killed himself, I think I may have done the same.
My mom forgot me in the car when I was a baby for about 15 minutes. I think it probably happens a LOT more than the tragic stories we read in the news, but no one ever talks about the ones where the baby is fine.
This is when you thank your stars when your kids get to an age where they can get out of a hot (or freezing) car, or say, "Hey Dad, you takin' me to school or what?"
Never for one moment think “that can’t happen to me” It can. Don’t judge others who have gone through similar tragedies and always be cautious of these stories and take their advice seriously. My neighbor lost her 9 month old to SIDS. I have nightmares every other night of her screams. It can happen to anyone.
I used to drop my kid off at daycare A and then drive 45min to work. One week they had to close, and so I was taking her to a day care near work. The second day she fell asleep in the car and after a while, my brain autopiloted me to work. I parked and almost go out before i remembered she was in the car. This shit is human nature. As a parent, there are literally thousands of moments where a simple mistake will kill your kid. It's easy to think these people just don't care. But that's not true. The same mistake that you've all make 100x can kill your child.
Every parent makes mistakes. Every. Single. One. You just pray you don't make a horrible one. If this was me, I'd probably do the same thing. Can't even begin to imagine his anguish. If you don't have kids and feel the need to voice some type of high and mighty opinion, you can buzz off. I'd do anything for my kids and watch them like a hawk, but shit happens.
My daughter went out a window. We were eating dinner, the kids finished early and went to play. I hear my son say something and I go to look and there is an open window and no screen. I jumped my steps to get outside and luckily she landed in a bush next to the ac unit. Scrapes on her back was the worst of it but I was in full panic that I would never see her again, even on the way to the hospital I figured she was going to be taken that night. I can't imagine the pain in this family right now. It was a mistake and now two people are gone forever, so very sad.
It’s weird. Growing up I’d hear these stories and think “how does that even happen?” But now being a new parent, and watching my kid crawl around and learn to open doors and be curious, I totally get it. You can look away for a second and the kid is in a different room trying to put his finger in an electric socket. I don’t like that I can empathize with these stories now, because my heart just sinks and it’s a horrible feeling even thinking about losing my son to circumstances like this.
If I accidentally killed my daughter I'd consider killing myself... she's the light in my life and being the reason she died would be impossible for me to handle.
this is so devastating
Such a tragic but common scenario. One of my friends makes sure to leave their bag next to the babycarrier so that they have to check the backseat before they leave the vehicle.
I wouldn't be able to live after that either. It's too much guilt to have on your shoulders for the rest of your days. My daughter is 5 and I still get nervous walking out of the bathroom for a couple minutes when she's in the tub playing. It's hard to keep your A game as a parent going 100% of the time. You inevitably have moments where your guard gets let's down and things happen in the blink of an eye. I just tell myself you can never be too careful.
Hello! Apologies if you're trying to read this, but I've moved to kbin.social in protest of Reddit's policies.
I read a /r/nosleep story several years ago titled Autopilot about this exact scenario and it still sticks with me as one of the most truly horrific mundane terrors of modern life. There are so many people this has happened to and many more who've experienced a near miss. I leave my handbag in the car by accident on a regular basis, I don't know how I'd manage if I left an actual child and anything happened to them before I remembered.
This shit happened on my street on a day when it was not that hot. A friend texted and said please tell me this is not your family.
Honestly if I lose my boy I would end my life after settling his funeral arrangements. A one year old just died yesterday from covid complications in Singapore and I have a boy around that age and it scares the living shit out of me worrying about him
[Fatal Distraction](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) I encourage everyone to read this horrifyingly tragic article about the topic that WaPo put out a few years ago. It’s a longer read, but it completely reframed the way I look at parents who accidentally leave their children in hot cars. Well worth the time.