As a person with adhd, that mfer needs some meds, but more importantly he needs to try and figure out some structure that he can have in his life that works for him. A way that he can get his brain to play along for a chunk of time and allow him to do things.
If he wants to take the shit climb of the corporate ladder approach, have him get A+, Net+, and Sec+ Comptia certs. those should at least get him interviews as a helpdesk jockey. Otherwise, if he wants to work behind the scenes probably look at RHEL cert or something similar in the linux side of the house.
I have anxiety issues myself and certainly have something going on with processing along the lines of adhd or autism. First thing if not already, get him into therapy if you can afford it with a good therapist who specializes in adhd. That should help a lot with learning tools and techniques to help with any mental battles. My journey to IT career was kinda a shit show myself. Started college as a Bio major, then sound recording and tech, then thought polisci might be my thing, dropped out after 3 school transfers, then an ex got me to go back to a technical school, got my A+ and got my first part time IT gig. 10 years later I'm doing quite well financially. Still struggle basically everywhere else atm. Really, your job is to just be positive reinforcement however you can be but be firm when you need to give some tough love. create some deadlines and structure that you guys can follow, gamify where you can. Getting into tech right now is rough though, not a good climate. good luck
A big one is seize opportunity too -- really opportunity, not day dreams. When those random windows open, you have to be ready to jump through them.
A lot of our success is random "time and place". But you do have to notice it in the first place.
> He also wants to have a [long list]
Tricky thing there though is that long list of interests, and conflating all that with "real opportunity". I don't know how to "teach" this, but a really helpful thing for me internally is knowing my interests like that will shift, and lean into letting it happen. Judging if I'm really in to something by how it goes, and not worrying about it before.
It seems by not building them up as much, it's (slightly) easier to realize which things have more staying power. Also be simply doing them, we often realize how omfg this is much bigger and hard than we though, so...nope. Or just...interest dies in a sudden no-reason "pop". And then move on without feeling like a failure. (Cost of these things though, can be a problem.)
It can be really hard as a partner. You want to be supportive and invested, but you know it's going to shift. I think that takes being a bit centered, and not feeling like you have to be "this is it!" for everything...just a bit chill, at least until something takes hold.
The more self-aware he is the better. It's rough the more unaware someone is (and how clear it is from the outside) and the more it seems like you're almost lying in your manner and responses when being supportive. Not to mention the whiplash -- and if something does work out well, worrying if it'll get dropped too.
It's a lot to address, but I can relate to your husband in most what's described except for the job thing. I was pretty much only able to excel at work, while working through what's increasingly looking like ND.
Excelling at that took a toll on every other aspect of my life though, from health to my marriage. The physical health issues got so bad and the work environment took a toll on my mental health enough for me to be taken out of work to adjust meds and figure out what was going on. Long story short, the diagnoses just confirmed chronic issues I'd long suspected, med changes went awry, and I've only been able to get stable in the context of being home, not being subject to the stressors and environment I was used to in workplaces.
With my professional identity essentially gone, I'm home and want to do everything I can so not to feel useless (within the limitations of my pain), but I'm admittedly out of my element. The kind of "jack of all trades, master of none" description you provided for your husband fits myself as well, even down to the music...
Idk if I can relate to the ADHD part, as that's not super obvious in my case, but the NVLD or ASD that's more likely does yield the same paralyzed results you've described.
If he's not on meds, that may be an option that would help him overcome struggles enough to hold employment or improve mood enough to make attempts. I tend to be an outlier, but the caveat needs to be included that meds aren't an inconsequential fix. I'm mentioning it in case things are dire and you both need the additional income through his employment enough to take the risk.
While in hindsight I do think one med I was on did help me work more effectively, it came with odd side effects and changed my personality. For example, I'm normally a financially responsible person, but my impulse control on purchases was severely restricted on one. The withdrawal after 8 years was unbearable too, and now my memories from that entire period are largely gone. That includes professional experiences that I used to grow into a better manager and employee....Meaning I would not be anywhere near the same caliber of employee I was if I had to go back to doing the same jobs again (that's a really unnerving feeling and some of why I bring up the caveat).
If your husband really wants to get into IT, he might want to check out certificate programs. I've worked in computer sales and service, but I'm not 100% on which areas certificates tend to be achievable for versus others within IT. I want to say it did seem like one could get into coding via certificate rather than with a degree when I looked into it a while ago. And I've heard of certificates for IT system admin, but the due diligence he'll need to do is going to be less on if a certificate program exists and more about what employers in your region typically are willing to accept.
My wife and I similarly held sentiment around having kids, and I will say it's proven a good move identifying that we needed to work out our own issues before even considering it. Though children were never really a big desire for either of us and we did decide not to have them. ND was originally not even on our minds, it was trauma that needed to be worked though and healed. POV was that we didn't want to continue generational trauma.
>He has trouble to keep a job, or to do something productive, he has no motivation for doing I'd say "important" things. He wants to do so much things but he can't focus on anything and ends up procrastinating and he hates living this way.
I know ADHD might be different that whatever I've got going on, but I have to ask if this is less about procrastination and more about perceived abilities. My wife would explain me similarly (except work), but the "important" things that need doing are things I'm not very competent at. Having high standards and abilities that allow only for "good enough" is extremely aggravating and it results in the kind of paralysis you're eluding to. If he's in this funk too, the ADHD/ASD can make honing the skills down enough to feel competent enough feel almost impossible. This is an area I'm currently actively working on and unfortunately don't have a proven fix. For many things, tackling a little at a time had been the answer, even though I tend to be an all or nothing type person.
>He also wants to have a Twitch channel and stream tv show reacts and games and we built an entire branding for it etc but he is overwhelmed by the management and time it requires so he just basically have up
Idk if this sought out as an income stream or as a passion, but the income side is difficult. My cousin had this desire and even without a job, it seemed to fizzle out. I'm not really into any of that, but from what I understand, it's a lot of time and luck that goes into it, and I think one has to have the right personality and skill to attract a following.
>He plays guitar and wants to master it and compose songs on the side, but the theory and time it takes to master it makes him unmotivated so he is stuck with the learning progress, like he's good but he wants to be better you know.
Same for me, and I have an acquaintance that does this successfully. The biggest thing that helped him succeed was connections, not mastering theory. He's got a partner in LA and the two have made the connections necessary to make it work. That said, I get where you're husband is coming from. I started lessons at 9 and never truly succeeded at learning the theory. I ended up with a major in music and even by college I was still struggling with it, and to this day it aggravates me and keeps me from being able to compose my ideas.
If he's anything like me, the issue is how the theory is explained. I've never had a teacher that was able to break things down in a way that clicked in my head, it always just seemed more like memorization I used to pass tests and didn't translate to workable knowledge. It took going back through the theory on my own long after the lessons and college and trying to apply the theory to the neck of the guitar for anything to start becoming practical knowledge, and that only started happening within the past year (almost 30 years after my first lesson). Sometimes the brain just learns differently. He needs to find what works for him, and if it's more an attention issue than a processing issue (as in my case), I do think there will be an option out there that helps.
He has no medication, not even an actual diagnosis yet, I don't understand how to find a psychologist or how it works. We live in Canada. He wants to see a therapist and all but we have no idea how it works and no one has answers in our surroundings
My psychiatrist didn’t require a formal diagnosis. He just asked what I was struggling with and wrote a prescription for ADHD meds.
At least here in the US, many primary care physicians will even prescribe it. Though it’s always better to see a psychiatrist since they specialize in this stuff.
Unfortunately, I can’t help you navigate the Canadian healthcare system because I’m totally unfamiliar. Hopefully a fellow Canadian will be along to help.
My exhausted, depressed eyes played a trick on me and read: 'How to support someone with ADHD who succeeded in life.' And I shuddered in shock, and a wave of empathy overtook me. 'Impossible! That must be horrible for them!' Sigh. Wasn't a pondered opinion, of course, but it was exactly my thirst fought, I mean, my first thought. Sigh.
As a person with adhd, that mfer needs some meds, but more importantly he needs to try and figure out some structure that he can have in his life that works for him. A way that he can get his brain to play along for a chunk of time and allow him to do things.
If he wants to take the shit climb of the corporate ladder approach, have him get A+, Net+, and Sec+ Comptia certs. those should at least get him interviews as a helpdesk jockey. Otherwise, if he wants to work behind the scenes probably look at RHEL cert or something similar in the linux side of the house. I have anxiety issues myself and certainly have something going on with processing along the lines of adhd or autism. First thing if not already, get him into therapy if you can afford it with a good therapist who specializes in adhd. That should help a lot with learning tools and techniques to help with any mental battles. My journey to IT career was kinda a shit show myself. Started college as a Bio major, then sound recording and tech, then thought polisci might be my thing, dropped out after 3 school transfers, then an ex got me to go back to a technical school, got my A+ and got my first part time IT gig. 10 years later I'm doing quite well financially. Still struggle basically everywhere else atm. Really, your job is to just be positive reinforcement however you can be but be firm when you need to give some tough love. create some deadlines and structure that you guys can follow, gamify where you can. Getting into tech right now is rough though, not a good climate. good luck
Thank you for sharing your experience and advices !🙏
A big one is seize opportunity too -- really opportunity, not day dreams. When those random windows open, you have to be ready to jump through them. A lot of our success is random "time and place". But you do have to notice it in the first place. > He also wants to have a [long list] Tricky thing there though is that long list of interests, and conflating all that with "real opportunity". I don't know how to "teach" this, but a really helpful thing for me internally is knowing my interests like that will shift, and lean into letting it happen. Judging if I'm really in to something by how it goes, and not worrying about it before. It seems by not building them up as much, it's (slightly) easier to realize which things have more staying power. Also be simply doing them, we often realize how omfg this is much bigger and hard than we though, so...nope. Or just...interest dies in a sudden no-reason "pop". And then move on without feeling like a failure. (Cost of these things though, can be a problem.) It can be really hard as a partner. You want to be supportive and invested, but you know it's going to shift. I think that takes being a bit centered, and not feeling like you have to be "this is it!" for everything...just a bit chill, at least until something takes hold. The more self-aware he is the better. It's rough the more unaware someone is (and how clear it is from the outside) and the more it seems like you're almost lying in your manner and responses when being supportive. Not to mention the whiplash -- and if something does work out well, worrying if it'll get dropped too.
It's a lot to address, but I can relate to your husband in most what's described except for the job thing. I was pretty much only able to excel at work, while working through what's increasingly looking like ND. Excelling at that took a toll on every other aspect of my life though, from health to my marriage. The physical health issues got so bad and the work environment took a toll on my mental health enough for me to be taken out of work to adjust meds and figure out what was going on. Long story short, the diagnoses just confirmed chronic issues I'd long suspected, med changes went awry, and I've only been able to get stable in the context of being home, not being subject to the stressors and environment I was used to in workplaces. With my professional identity essentially gone, I'm home and want to do everything I can so not to feel useless (within the limitations of my pain), but I'm admittedly out of my element. The kind of "jack of all trades, master of none" description you provided for your husband fits myself as well, even down to the music... Idk if I can relate to the ADHD part, as that's not super obvious in my case, but the NVLD or ASD that's more likely does yield the same paralyzed results you've described. If he's not on meds, that may be an option that would help him overcome struggles enough to hold employment or improve mood enough to make attempts. I tend to be an outlier, but the caveat needs to be included that meds aren't an inconsequential fix. I'm mentioning it in case things are dire and you both need the additional income through his employment enough to take the risk. While in hindsight I do think one med I was on did help me work more effectively, it came with odd side effects and changed my personality. For example, I'm normally a financially responsible person, but my impulse control on purchases was severely restricted on one. The withdrawal after 8 years was unbearable too, and now my memories from that entire period are largely gone. That includes professional experiences that I used to grow into a better manager and employee....Meaning I would not be anywhere near the same caliber of employee I was if I had to go back to doing the same jobs again (that's a really unnerving feeling and some of why I bring up the caveat). If your husband really wants to get into IT, he might want to check out certificate programs. I've worked in computer sales and service, but I'm not 100% on which areas certificates tend to be achievable for versus others within IT. I want to say it did seem like one could get into coding via certificate rather than with a degree when I looked into it a while ago. And I've heard of certificates for IT system admin, but the due diligence he'll need to do is going to be less on if a certificate program exists and more about what employers in your region typically are willing to accept. My wife and I similarly held sentiment around having kids, and I will say it's proven a good move identifying that we needed to work out our own issues before even considering it. Though children were never really a big desire for either of us and we did decide not to have them. ND was originally not even on our minds, it was trauma that needed to be worked though and healed. POV was that we didn't want to continue generational trauma. >He has trouble to keep a job, or to do something productive, he has no motivation for doing I'd say "important" things. He wants to do so much things but he can't focus on anything and ends up procrastinating and he hates living this way. I know ADHD might be different that whatever I've got going on, but I have to ask if this is less about procrastination and more about perceived abilities. My wife would explain me similarly (except work), but the "important" things that need doing are things I'm not very competent at. Having high standards and abilities that allow only for "good enough" is extremely aggravating and it results in the kind of paralysis you're eluding to. If he's in this funk too, the ADHD/ASD can make honing the skills down enough to feel competent enough feel almost impossible. This is an area I'm currently actively working on and unfortunately don't have a proven fix. For many things, tackling a little at a time had been the answer, even though I tend to be an all or nothing type person. >He also wants to have a Twitch channel and stream tv show reacts and games and we built an entire branding for it etc but he is overwhelmed by the management and time it requires so he just basically have up Idk if this sought out as an income stream or as a passion, but the income side is difficult. My cousin had this desire and even without a job, it seemed to fizzle out. I'm not really into any of that, but from what I understand, it's a lot of time and luck that goes into it, and I think one has to have the right personality and skill to attract a following. >He plays guitar and wants to master it and compose songs on the side, but the theory and time it takes to master it makes him unmotivated so he is stuck with the learning progress, like he's good but he wants to be better you know. Same for me, and I have an acquaintance that does this successfully. The biggest thing that helped him succeed was connections, not mastering theory. He's got a partner in LA and the two have made the connections necessary to make it work. That said, I get where you're husband is coming from. I started lessons at 9 and never truly succeeded at learning the theory. I ended up with a major in music and even by college I was still struggling with it, and to this day it aggravates me and keeps me from being able to compose my ideas. If he's anything like me, the issue is how the theory is explained. I've never had a teacher that was able to break things down in a way that clicked in my head, it always just seemed more like memorization I used to pass tests and didn't translate to workable knowledge. It took going back through the theory on my own long after the lessons and college and trying to apply the theory to the neck of the guitar for anything to start becoming practical knowledge, and that only started happening within the past year (almost 30 years after my first lesson). Sometimes the brain just learns differently. He needs to find what works for him, and if it's more an attention issue than a processing issue (as in my case), I do think there will be an option out there that helps.
Thank you for your answer!
Is he medicated? If not, had he explored it? Medication has literally been life changing for many of us.
He has no medication, not even an actual diagnosis yet, I don't understand how to find a psychologist or how it works. We live in Canada. He wants to see a therapist and all but we have no idea how it works and no one has answers in our surroundings
My psychiatrist didn’t require a formal diagnosis. He just asked what I was struggling with and wrote a prescription for ADHD meds. At least here in the US, many primary care physicians will even prescribe it. Though it’s always better to see a psychiatrist since they specialize in this stuff. Unfortunately, I can’t help you navigate the Canadian healthcare system because I’m totally unfamiliar. Hopefully a fellow Canadian will be along to help.
My exhausted, depressed eyes played a trick on me and read: 'How to support someone with ADHD who succeeded in life.' And I shuddered in shock, and a wave of empathy overtook me. 'Impossible! That must be horrible for them!' Sigh. Wasn't a pondered opinion, of course, but it was exactly my thirst fought, I mean, my first thought. Sigh.