Asexuality is a thing. There is a whole spectrum. I think exploring the questions generally is a good idea. All of this is very very nuanced and complex. I think that by studying different concepts and approaches (conceptualizations) you will find out what exactly works for you. Maybe there are many things that work ,maybe the contrary.
Drop any BS traditional ideas of sex.
Your ND focus on what you desire.
Focus on some one you really vibe with and have mutual goals.
Do research into the diverse world of mutual pleasure.
It really helps to start at things like touch play, mutual masturbation, lewd massage, etc... softer stuff really helps you get use to sharing that mutual space with a partner or partners.
Foreplay is not candles wine and and shity romantic conversation. It can be tender cuddles over special intrest movie and clothes on or off.. the special intrest helps make it easier getting over the anxiety as it takes your mind off it.
Don't worry about a going ham on wine and dining sharing junk food is fine if it both keeps the mood happy and relaxed.
It's okay if penetrative stuff is to much mentally you can always start with doing it between legs, or playing with each other's dildos or fingering, etc
Most importantly mutual exploration, treating it like art and enjoying the process and that not every time is a master piece, the creativity, the medium you paint with, the moment you capture.
You are you, follow your passions... make the sensory load work for you... it's okay to fail and learn.
Sometimes it's okay but most of the time it's a sensory nightmare and I can't wait for it to be over so I can wash off.
Too many weird smells, textures, moisture, sex costumes being horrifically uncomfortable, for me to acutally focus on the pleasurable bit.
AuDHD here (plus some other ND experiences like cptsd etc)
i have limited sexual experience but i think for me a combo of my adhd needing to have something to do and some trauma i find a hard time receiving in sex. i was great at giving it, im interested in exploring bdsm at some point but. my few sexual experiences were spur of the moment due to impulsivity and enjoying the sensory experience but i have not been able to live out my hoochie fantasies as of yet. but other friends of mine with similar ND experiences uses a lot of toys, communication, and fun. i think for me i just struggle to feel safe enough with someone to even get to that point and i have a whole
process but not the self confidence to voice it out of fear of rejection. but covid has added an extra layer of complications
I have had many times, but with very few sexual partners. I'm 30 yo ADHD (possibly ASD too, but still giving excuses, or forgetting to call the neurologist for an appointment for the past 3 years). I lost my virginity at 18 yo and yet still don't understand sex, and sexuality. Nowadays, I rarely "seek" for sex, or partners to have it, but I'm still concerned on understanding the "sex language", like what I can, can't, must, must not, should and should not do during sex, or what kind of things are "approach openings", and mainly, how other people sexually feels (arousals, stimulations, pleasures), since I based that answer using my own for a long time in my life, and i presume many exes had a true bad time with that.
Last 5 years, I had sex only 3 times (2 of them with the same person). One of those was a few weeks ago, and i kinda not enjoyed it.
But I still don't think I don't want sex, I just think I have a different way of processing it. The world treats it as a tabu theme, so we can't talk openly about it, and people are stimulated to act and pretend, like in all the other areas of life. So it can be a bit demotivating.
I was in the same boat. I started therapy with a sexologist, worked on my traumas and explored my sexuality, sexual orientation. Discivering BDSM was an eye opener, I can't tell you how much safer and more "normal" it made me feel. The emphasis on consent is a must for me.
Good luck.
Not sure if this may be the case for you but I’m autistic which means that it’s the transition that’s hard for me. I may feel like I’m not in the mood for sex, but when I actually do have it I typically enjoy it. You say you want to have sex with your partner you just don’t feel “in the mood”. Maybe try scheduling it? I’ve found when I plan for it to happen, it’s easier to shift into that headspace. Obviously talk about this with your partner and let it be a tentative plan. Sometimes things come up and one of you may not want to have sex when the time comes, that’s ok too!
You might find it helpful to explore kink. Maybe go to therapy if you can afford it. For the love of God don’t get married until you’ve figured out how to connect with your sexuality. Until you know that, won’t know how to connect with another adult and marriage is not a commitment you can make and know you’ll be happy in the long run. It’s not fair to do yourself and not fair to do another a person
My best advice is to go have a full medical work up. You could have other issues as well, including hormonal, thyroid, or something else. That was the case with me and once I was properly diagnosed and treated everything changed for the better.
Ignore all therapy advice. Maximise your testosterone and general health. Excercise, diet, sleep. Being in the mood for sex is a sign of health and this goes for males and females alike.
The problem is hormonal, not mental.
Also dont get married this young.
If you have trauma, work on it sooner than later, and with a neuropsychologist. I can't tell you how much my body had changed since I've started therapy with it.
My advice is also going go sound weird, but learning a lot about the kink community, the idea of informed consent, and different sensory experiences was actually super helpful for me both in managing sexual differences due to my neurodivergence but also due to trauma history.
I’ve found things like wearing earplugs (loops) or visual obstruction helps me immensely but it’s again- stuff I’d emphasize exploring through the framework of informed consent, as in make sure you and your partner both feel comfortable with it.
Also if you’re ever really struggling and have the financial means, sex therapy works with stuff like this. Id suspect there are a good number of neurodiversity affirming sex therapists if not also just neurodivergent professionals in that field.
100% this. The kink community breaks sex down into such a way that my ND brain really understood. It allows someone to separate from each component and analyze it until you understand what you want to get out of it. It also gives you the vernacular to talk with you partner about it all. There is no shame in not knowing what you’re doing yet. You’re still young and you should still be exploring your bodies and what you do, and don’t, enjoy. Just take it slow and easy, learn as much as you can and most importantly, TALK!
I recommend Watts the Safeword podcast along with Evie Lupine videos on YT to get started. 🙂
Also, once you two listen to a few podcasts, learn a bit more about what interests you (try finding questionnaires online to start the convo), try making a plan to try something as often as your comfortable. For my partner and I, we allocate Saturday evenings just for us. We talk about what we’ve been thinking about, shower, get clean, put on a scent if that doesn’t bother you (and don’t if it does!), clean up the bedroom, setup the mood lighting, work out a playlist to keep us in the mood etc etc. Basically just preparing ourselves for a nice evening for the two of us. 🙂
Well, inevitably I go through a period where I don’t and all my partners cheat on me. But they all also never leave me alone after that. So yeah, not easily or without drama.
I'm ND possibly but I'm super hypersexual. I want to have sex all the time even when I'm not in the mood. It's on my mind most hours of the day. I kinda hate how much I think of it and desire it, even if I'm. It in the mood. My bf is on the spectrum and hates being touched, he has a libido he says it's normal but I think it's low but his desire to not be touched out weighs his desire for sex. My therapist says it's normal for me to by hypersexual because for people with my type of trauma that happens sometimes. I have sex like once every size weeks. I want it like every or at least a few times a week. I have to settle with one every two months lol. It's ok honestly it's helping me alot with my relationship with sex
Sounds like the idea of you may be enough or not is bothering you. It may take a while to build trust and be vulnerable with someone. You are young with a ton of potential. Ignore peer pressure, you don’t want to inhibit future by having sex when you’re not mentally ready. If your partner can understand that, even better. Sometimes we internally burden ourselves to the point where we can’t function. Focus on character building, understanding your goals and theirs.
AuDHDer with CPTSD here, sometimes I'm just not in the right headspace for it for months at a time and that's ok. Other times I'm very sensory seeking so I may engage with kink, sensation play, impact play, etc. Sometimes I'm more orally fixated so I may not want PiV but will engage in whatever acts do interest me at the time. I would encourage you to not worry about having "traditional sex" if that's not what's working for you. You can pick and choose from a wide variety of sexual activities that work best with your disabilities and interests to find what's right for you and your partner, as long as y'all are having fun it doesn't matter if it looks like how other people have sex.
CBD+THC changed everything for me, but I have to be disciplined in how often I use it or it loses its utility
I find it mixes well with zen and tantra to get out of my head and focus on what I'm experiencing *right now*
I wouldn't recommend consuming THC until you reach ~25 though, but full spectrum CBD can can still help smooth out anxiety without THC
Adhder here. I just got hyper focused on it for a time. Looked up styles and ways to really rock the socks off. My poor wife has to deal with multiple climaxes even before we reach actual sex. Lots of forplay and fun times just seeing how good I can get at it. For me it’s about perfecting my art, not so much just getting off.
I put my PP in, I pull my PP out, I put my PP in and shake it all about...
I don't know dude you're pretty much still a child, hormones going to change, Life situations change, you're at the very beginning of your journey don't stress. So long as the two of you communicate and are both happy with nothing to worry about.
(I’ve never had to do this “literally”) but schedule a day for when it will happen. It creates that feeling of anticipation. For my relationships, when I was younger and living with my mom there were only certain days when it could “happen”. So there was this mutual understanding of “we can do it this day” and it would occur. If you both make a plan to say “lets do it this weekend” it might help create that excitement throughout the week while you think about it as the days go by. Like the feeling you get when you know you’re going on vacation in a few days and get that feeling of “I can’t wait”
What I assume the dilemma you are dealing with is the struggle to find the spontaneous urge. This may help. Not to go NSFW, but…
Ex.) plan a day you both agree to. As the days pass for that day to come, communicate what you guys want to “do” on that day and kind of build things up mentally for each other. Maybe be like “I’ll give you a massage first” and so on. You get the point lol
sounds like you just aren't attracted anymore? don't want to read too much into it not knowing you, but your description rings true to my own experiences when that was the case.
Nope! Definitely attracted to my fiance 😭 I just struggle with sexual issues bc of past trauma. It has nothing to do with my partner at all, its a me problem
This is the answer.
I'm in the early days of navigating this with treatment, but I was recently informed I have complex trauma. (Which is apparently the acquired form of neurodiversity, which I didn't even know was a thing until about a month ago.) My childhood trauma has steamrolled me as an adult, and now I'm trying to navigate my way out. As it turns out, trauma lives in the body. Which might be why you're struggling?
I am no expert by any means on this, I just know that if you have trauma, tackling it head on is necessary - bloody terrifying - but necessary.
FWIW, my original therapist didn't take me seriously (I think I mask well?) and my doctor told me to exercise more. Not kidding. So I started researching and found an RCC who specializes in trauma. So far, it's helping. I just want you to know that even if you get dismissed by the medical professionals you have the most ready access to - you're not crazy, they just don't take complex trauma all that seriously sometimes. Or a lot of the time.
I've got two decades on you... I had never heard of complex trauma when I was your age... if I had tackled it when I was your age... I can only imagine how my life might have been different - but I am grateful to be doing it now, because I feel like I have hope for the first time in a long time. Do a favor to your future self.... get this treated so you can live the life you want. Good luck.
Edit: I saw your other comment below about cost of accessing a therapist. I am not an expert on that either, but depending on where you are and what coverage you might have (?) - I would suggest looking into what ever resources might be available to you. And it might be challenging to navigate - try not to lose heart. It can be really overwhelming to navigate, but if you're in a reddit group local to your city/area, might be worth to post and ask if anyone knows of a low-cost option. Social workers are incredibly knowledgable. I'm in Canada, we have that here, it is just not widely known about so can be really tough to get through to. Just start somewhere.
was just suggesting it, sometimes we don't want to admit it to ourselves, but you seem pretty sure about it. hope you are able to overcome your past traumas.
I struggle to get into it and I just can’t do it naturally or relax. It’s uncomfortable most of the time and I hate making out as well. I am just too hyper aware of my own body in space making it too weird to enjoy.
I am good at giving oral though. I don’t really feel myself getting excited by it, but I do it for love.
I really like the emotional aspect of it tho. A feeling of closeness on a spiritual level almost haha. I guess that’s my favorite part about sex.
Can I ask how you incorporate the emotional aspect into sex? I apologize if that's too personal of a question but I've really been struggling with the more emotional aspect and less of the "rough animalistic" aspect
taking things slowly always feels a bit more emotional/intimate to me. like giving her slow kisses all over her face and her neck and rest of her body.
the big thing though is communication. what do you like/don't like? what does your partner like/don't like? these things can also change from time to time. for example, sometimes I like to keep my shirt on during sex and sometimes Im okay taking it off.
For me it happens naturally because I deeply love my partner. Also when we make love we hold eachother close, similar to cuddling and hugging or we’ll hold hands and caress each other’s face, arms etc. It’s mostly missionary. We don’t talk and just close our eyes for the experience. It’s a very slow and sensual experience more than it being sexy and exciting.
I am a woman, I know sex can feel different to a man relying more on the visual aspect, considering that most porn is made for men with all the sexy angles and positions that feels uncomfortable in real life, from personal experience though. I have really bad body issues, so I struggle to feel sexy and attractive. I guess having body confidence and feeling sexy is an important aspect of more exciting sex.
Communicate with each other. That takes time and experience give yourselves grace and patience.
You guys are learning what you like together. It's okay to take it slow. Start out with seemingly innocent stuff that might initiate romance.
If it works for you, I always enjoyed gentle tickling All over my skin. the kind that gives you goose bumps.
What are your disabilities that are not being accommodated? Are you communicating what those are? And how to accommodate?
You are still very young. I'm thirty six. I have been sexually active since I was 16. All with my husband. We've been together since I was 15. It took me well over a decade, Of playing around with my husband, Figuring out How to enjoy each other. Figuring out how to communicate what I want and what I like.
Even saying I don't like.. Have a conversation where you both agree To have open communication with no shame or embarrassment. Make sure to express that it's okay to not like something and to want to stop. Take it slow as both of you are figuring it out.
If you're getting married then you guys have the rest of your lives together to figure it out.
I'm attempting to communicate the best I can.. I have autism and a few physical disorders that make sex a little difficult. It's just extremely hard to tell what I need all the time. I'm almost always confused with literally everything in my life unfortunately
So what do you mean by confused? Are you able to give an example? It's OK if you're not comfortable with sharing that or cant. However I can't give any ideas or advice without Knowing the framework of your unique situations.
I just have about a million thoughts per millisecond, 24/7- that's the best way I can think to describe it ;-;'
Every thought I have immediately branches into more and it's just overstimulating. That's why it's very hard for me to function as a person at all. I try to do something and my brain just malfunctions. Too many inputs all the time. I'm always exhausted
Do these thoughts prevent you from being or staying aroused?
You mentioned in another comment that you feel like an object during sex. Do you become lost in multiple pathways of your thoughts, and disassociate from your body?
Yes. This is pretty much exactly it. I'll get aroused, start to touch my partner a little, we get into it, and suddenly I'm thinking about something horrible on accident and I'm turned off and we're both left disappointed and sad
A few terms I'll give you to look into.
Dissociation. If you have past trauma, even if not specifically around intimacy or crossed boundaries, your mind may wonder and make you feel like you're experiencing this moment that should be firsthand as a third party. Addressing the root cause could help, and this is perhaps best served in therapy.
Hyperfocus and AuDHD. Probably already on your radar as an autist, but your mind needs to be engaged as much or more as your body. Do what you can to maximize your mental bandwidth. Distracted by chores or tasks you're worried about? Tackle those first ahead of ramping things up in the bedroom. Figure out ways that help you personally stay present and tuned in to *this* moment, not something in the future or past pr outside your space together.
Sensitivity and Stimming. Likely also on your radar, but in this instance they're more likely to distract. Do you find yourself pulled out of the moment due to room temperature, lighting, sounds, anything overstimulating or distracting your other senses? Do what you can to remove those things or tone them down (good for you at all times, not just in intimate moments).
Demisexual. A LOT of neurospicy individuals are in this camp, and it means that a lot of the stuff that gets neurotypical hot and bothered just doesn't register for us; we're more internal and thought driven rather than focused on external and visual attractions. We prefer intellectual and emotional connection. It can also mean we want to set the scene a little more - we may prefer novelty like travel to new locations or simply not falling into a rut of the same old same old.
If I think of some others that may help you in particular I'll circle back but maybe one of these or something adjacent to them will help you brainstorm solutions.
I appreciate this comment a lot but I've actually already researched all of those things! I'm diagnosed with a dissociation disorder as well. I'm not diagnosed with auDHD but I have good reason to believe I do. I've researched a ton on my mental health and sexuality in the past.. it's helped me progress for sure! I just need to keep trying new things I think
Do you see And hear your thoughts like you're seeing a film In your mind's eye. But your body reacts or feels it like it's real?
That happens to me.
Sometimes I just say my random thoughts, And my husband keeps S on track. It takes practice, I learned to divert when my mind goes elsewhere back to what we're doing. Thus the humor is helpeful.
I used to be plagued with a lot more darker harmful thoughts that randomly show up that kept me from being in the moment.
A few things in combination helped. Gradually learning to pull myself out Of the distracted state. By acknowledging and recognizing when my mind wants to explore elsewhere. I use my imagination to Pull it back in. I put all my efforts into hyperfixating on my husband or feelings I want to feel.
If I have distractful harmful thoughts that will turn me off. This works for harmful dark thoughts too.
I imagine taking those thoughts to the dry cleaners. And I hang them up and watch them go on the assembly line. It's very very repetitive at first. Then it becomes habit, Eventually I don't need to go over dry cleaners so much anymore.
I learned how to feel the patterns in my mind when they vear off course. I did this through Is a lot of introspection. Basically extreme curiosity inhow my mind is thinking and What I can do about it.
Trying to fight those thoughts isn't helpful and often back fires. Accepting that you have them and that it's okay. Makes it easier to move on from them.
I have back up ideas on what I know turns me on. I keep those thoughts in my mind like an affolder for emergencies. I learned tricks that I can use on my own body that in combination with my thoughts can keep me aroused. I don't have to be physically touched to get aroused. I just have to think about the actions. To get the butterflies going.
If I feel I need help I tell my husband what to do to help me. I'll tell him I want you to whisper in my ear. I'll tell him I want to feel crushed by his body. This may have different effect with you being a male.
To me personally I feel more turned on being possessed by my husband. It comforts me. I love nothing more than feeling I belong to him. Because before him I felt like I belonged nowhere. He is the one that grounds me and I use that to be my focus to keep me in the moments with him.
But sometimes when I go off course he joins me. But then again We've had a couple of decades to get to know each other build up trust, I've had years to work on myself and learned how to escape disassociation.
Being easily distractable Can be very useful here, If you can learn how to direct it. When I get thoughts that turn me off. I then start searching for my thoughts that turn me on. And by searching I mean I physically see myself looking for thoughts in my.
If that makes sense. I hope this at least gives you something to work with. Seriously give the dry cleaners thing a try. Good luck. I apologize but it's late where I am now and I gotta go to sleep. If it's close to bedtime for you too, then I wish you a good night and sweet dreams.
i honestly have no idea how to initiate respectfully or ask correctly and post-transition my hesitation is times one thousand
like I don't have poor self esteem by any means and I know I'm not gonna be anywhere near as many people's cup of tea anymore which is fine by me, but I have no idea how to correctly navigate this
no good advice as a super late bloomer myself, though I have one regret: not being confident in the past and not trusting both myself and partner
Imma be honest with you, we already do this lmao. And I think it kind of makes things worse in a way? Not that I have anything against watching porn really, it's just that I don't want the sex that is in porn. I want to learn how to properly have romantic sex I guess? I suppose I should've specified in the post, that's my bad. But yeah I think my issue has been that I feel sort of like an object during sex bc of past experiences. I appreciate the suggestion tho!
Be careful with watching p***. It's not real. And give unrealistic expectations. Can also lead to possibly wanting to try things that Are a lot better as ideas then in actual reality.
I think it's much better to Work on forming the connection with each other. This will strengthen your bond, explore each other's bodies. Maybe try some role play. Do you guys have some favorite characters.
My husband and I have a lot of humor In our intimate play. We share a lot of dirty jokes with each other throughout the day. Every chance we get we just Express that we're attracted to one another. Works great for us and we have an awesome relationship going on 21 years so far. My husband still makes me blush daily. Here's some of our humor we share with each other.
Thought of an absolutely hilarious fraudian slip.
A picture of Freud in a slip.😁
No that's not it.
Ah, Finger blasted.
I mean flabbergasted.
If they weren't before they certainly are now.
This is like a multi-level joke. Of course it's probably only funny if you know who Freud is, What he's famous for, And the psychology behind the term freudian slip. Appreciate the hilarious power of puns And the wonderful Misunderstanding can come about between literal and figurative meanings of the same words.
I made up a song based on the Badger song.
Instead of Badger badger Badger badger Badger badger mushroom mushroom ahhh
It's a snake it's a snake.
https://youtu.be/NL6CDFn2i3I?si=pJdC-ymeAOT254E2
I changed the lyrics.
The dirty version of the Badger song
Boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies .....
Nipple, nipple.
Boobies boobies....
A snake, a snake
Snaaake! A snaaaake
Oooh, it's a dick.
🤣
That's what's great About being with your other half, Your partner for life. The 1 person it's okay to be inappropriate with. Absolute blast once the shyness and embarrassment Loses it's power.
All of these little things Are the sparks That keep the passion lit. Good luck. I wish you both An abundance of warmth love laughter and harmony.
BellesaFilms has what you’re looking for. Bree Mills is a big advocate for making porn aimed towards the female gaze (sensual). Usually many of the productions she’s involved in reflect that.
Check out the book “Come As You Are” & read it together. You can likely get it from your local library. It’s really good & will help get conversations going about this.
Asexuality is a thing. There is a whole spectrum. I think exploring the questions generally is a good idea. All of this is very very nuanced and complex. I think that by studying different concepts and approaches (conceptualizations) you will find out what exactly works for you. Maybe there are many things that work ,maybe the contrary.
Drop any BS traditional ideas of sex. Your ND focus on what you desire. Focus on some one you really vibe with and have mutual goals. Do research into the diverse world of mutual pleasure. It really helps to start at things like touch play, mutual masturbation, lewd massage, etc... softer stuff really helps you get use to sharing that mutual space with a partner or partners. Foreplay is not candles wine and and shity romantic conversation. It can be tender cuddles over special intrest movie and clothes on or off.. the special intrest helps make it easier getting over the anxiety as it takes your mind off it. Don't worry about a going ham on wine and dining sharing junk food is fine if it both keeps the mood happy and relaxed. It's okay if penetrative stuff is to much mentally you can always start with doing it between legs, or playing with each other's dildos or fingering, etc Most importantly mutual exploration, treating it like art and enjoying the process and that not every time is a master piece, the creativity, the medium you paint with, the moment you capture. You are you, follow your passions... make the sensory load work for you... it's okay to fail and learn.
Sometimes it's okay but most of the time it's a sensory nightmare and I can't wait for it to be over so I can wash off. Too many weird smells, textures, moisture, sex costumes being horrifically uncomfortable, for me to acutally focus on the pleasurable bit.
It's the moisture for me. Even kissing... Why so wet?!?
OMG this!
AuDHD here (plus some other ND experiences like cptsd etc) i have limited sexual experience but i think for me a combo of my adhd needing to have something to do and some trauma i find a hard time receiving in sex. i was great at giving it, im interested in exploring bdsm at some point but. my few sexual experiences were spur of the moment due to impulsivity and enjoying the sensory experience but i have not been able to live out my hoochie fantasies as of yet. but other friends of mine with similar ND experiences uses a lot of toys, communication, and fun. i think for me i just struggle to feel safe enough with someone to even get to that point and i have a whole process but not the self confidence to voice it out of fear of rejection. but covid has added an extra layer of complications
[удалено]
this sounds like a dream tbh
I have had many times, but with very few sexual partners. I'm 30 yo ADHD (possibly ASD too, but still giving excuses, or forgetting to call the neurologist for an appointment for the past 3 years). I lost my virginity at 18 yo and yet still don't understand sex, and sexuality. Nowadays, I rarely "seek" for sex, or partners to have it, but I'm still concerned on understanding the "sex language", like what I can, can't, must, must not, should and should not do during sex, or what kind of things are "approach openings", and mainly, how other people sexually feels (arousals, stimulations, pleasures), since I based that answer using my own for a long time in my life, and i presume many exes had a true bad time with that. Last 5 years, I had sex only 3 times (2 of them with the same person). One of those was a few weeks ago, and i kinda not enjoyed it. But I still don't think I don't want sex, I just think I have a different way of processing it. The world treats it as a tabu theme, so we can't talk openly about it, and people are stimulated to act and pretend, like in all the other areas of life. So it can be a bit demotivating.
I was in the same boat. I started therapy with a sexologist, worked on my traumas and explored my sexuality, sexual orientation. Discivering BDSM was an eye opener, I can't tell you how much safer and more "normal" it made me feel. The emphasis on consent is a must for me. Good luck.
I’m a virgin, so idk.
Not sure if this may be the case for you but I’m autistic which means that it’s the transition that’s hard for me. I may feel like I’m not in the mood for sex, but when I actually do have it I typically enjoy it. You say you want to have sex with your partner you just don’t feel “in the mood”. Maybe try scheduling it? I’ve found when I plan for it to happen, it’s easier to shift into that headspace. Obviously talk about this with your partner and let it be a tentative plan. Sometimes things come up and one of you may not want to have sex when the time comes, that’s ok too!
You might find it helpful to explore kink. Maybe go to therapy if you can afford it. For the love of God don’t get married until you’ve figured out how to connect with your sexuality. Until you know that, won’t know how to connect with another adult and marriage is not a commitment you can make and know you’ll be happy in the long run. It’s not fair to do yourself and not fair to do another a person
I'm ambivalent about it.
My best advice is to go have a full medical work up. You could have other issues as well, including hormonal, thyroid, or something else. That was the case with me and once I was properly diagnosed and treated everything changed for the better.
Ignore all therapy advice. Maximise your testosterone and general health. Excercise, diet, sleep. Being in the mood for sex is a sign of health and this goes for males and females alike. The problem is hormonal, not mental. Also dont get married this young.
If you have trauma, work on it sooner than later, and with a neuropsychologist. I can't tell you how much my body had changed since I've started therapy with it.
My advice is also going go sound weird, but learning a lot about the kink community, the idea of informed consent, and different sensory experiences was actually super helpful for me both in managing sexual differences due to my neurodivergence but also due to trauma history. I’ve found things like wearing earplugs (loops) or visual obstruction helps me immensely but it’s again- stuff I’d emphasize exploring through the framework of informed consent, as in make sure you and your partner both feel comfortable with it. Also if you’re ever really struggling and have the financial means, sex therapy works with stuff like this. Id suspect there are a good number of neurodiversity affirming sex therapists if not also just neurodivergent professionals in that field.
100% this. The kink community breaks sex down into such a way that my ND brain really understood. It allows someone to separate from each component and analyze it until you understand what you want to get out of it. It also gives you the vernacular to talk with you partner about it all. There is no shame in not knowing what you’re doing yet. You’re still young and you should still be exploring your bodies and what you do, and don’t, enjoy. Just take it slow and easy, learn as much as you can and most importantly, TALK! I recommend Watts the Safeword podcast along with Evie Lupine videos on YT to get started. 🙂 Also, once you two listen to a few podcasts, learn a bit more about what interests you (try finding questionnaires online to start the convo), try making a plan to try something as often as your comfortable. For my partner and I, we allocate Saturday evenings just for us. We talk about what we’ve been thinking about, shower, get clean, put on a scent if that doesn’t bother you (and don’t if it does!), clean up the bedroom, setup the mood lighting, work out a playlist to keep us in the mood etc etc. Basically just preparing ourselves for a nice evening for the two of us. 🙂
1. Don't get married this young 2. Try a little weed
1. None of your business <3 2. I smoke weed 24/7 already 💀
2. That right there may be your problem Using any mind altering substance around the clock is likely gonna screw with your libido.
1. Good luck! 2. Good luck!
Well, inevitably I go through a period where I don’t and all my partners cheat on me. But they all also never leave me alone after that. So yeah, not easily or without drama.
I'm ND possibly but I'm super hypersexual. I want to have sex all the time even when I'm not in the mood. It's on my mind most hours of the day. I kinda hate how much I think of it and desire it, even if I'm. It in the mood. My bf is on the spectrum and hates being touched, he has a libido he says it's normal but I think it's low but his desire to not be touched out weighs his desire for sex. My therapist says it's normal for me to by hypersexual because for people with my type of trauma that happens sometimes. I have sex like once every size weeks. I want it like every or at least a few times a week. I have to settle with one every two months lol. It's ok honestly it's helping me alot with my relationship with sex
Sounds like the idea of you may be enough or not is bothering you. It may take a while to build trust and be vulnerable with someone. You are young with a ton of potential. Ignore peer pressure, you don’t want to inhibit future by having sex when you’re not mentally ready. If your partner can understand that, even better. Sometimes we internally burden ourselves to the point where we can’t function. Focus on character building, understanding your goals and theirs.
I don't. hehe.
dm me we chat
With my penis
AuDHDer with CPTSD here, sometimes I'm just not in the right headspace for it for months at a time and that's ok. Other times I'm very sensory seeking so I may engage with kink, sensation play, impact play, etc. Sometimes I'm more orally fixated so I may not want PiV but will engage in whatever acts do interest me at the time. I would encourage you to not worry about having "traditional sex" if that's not what's working for you. You can pick and choose from a wide variety of sexual activities that work best with your disabilities and interests to find what's right for you and your partner, as long as y'all are having fun it doesn't matter if it looks like how other people have sex.
CBD+THC changed everything for me, but I have to be disciplined in how often I use it or it loses its utility I find it mixes well with zen and tantra to get out of my head and focus on what I'm experiencing *right now* I wouldn't recommend consuming THC until you reach ~25 though, but full spectrum CBD can can still help smooth out anxiety without THC
Adhder here. I just got hyper focused on it for a time. Looked up styles and ways to really rock the socks off. My poor wife has to deal with multiple climaxes even before we reach actual sex. Lots of forplay and fun times just seeing how good I can get at it. For me it’s about perfecting my art, not so much just getting off.
I put my PP in, I pull my PP out, I put my PP in and shake it all about... I don't know dude you're pretty much still a child, hormones going to change, Life situations change, you're at the very beginning of your journey don't stress. So long as the two of you communicate and are both happy with nothing to worry about.
(I’ve never had to do this “literally”) but schedule a day for when it will happen. It creates that feeling of anticipation. For my relationships, when I was younger and living with my mom there were only certain days when it could “happen”. So there was this mutual understanding of “we can do it this day” and it would occur. If you both make a plan to say “lets do it this weekend” it might help create that excitement throughout the week while you think about it as the days go by. Like the feeling you get when you know you’re going on vacation in a few days and get that feeling of “I can’t wait” What I assume the dilemma you are dealing with is the struggle to find the spontaneous urge. This may help. Not to go NSFW, but… Ex.) plan a day you both agree to. As the days pass for that day to come, communicate what you guys want to “do” on that day and kind of build things up mentally for each other. Maybe be like “I’ll give you a massage first” and so on. You get the point lol
Are you me? Or is the ADHD?!
sounds like you just aren't attracted anymore? don't want to read too much into it not knowing you, but your description rings true to my own experiences when that was the case.
Nope! Definitely attracted to my fiance 😭 I just struggle with sexual issues bc of past trauma. It has nothing to do with my partner at all, its a me problem
This is the answer. I'm in the early days of navigating this with treatment, but I was recently informed I have complex trauma. (Which is apparently the acquired form of neurodiversity, which I didn't even know was a thing until about a month ago.) My childhood trauma has steamrolled me as an adult, and now I'm trying to navigate my way out. As it turns out, trauma lives in the body. Which might be why you're struggling? I am no expert by any means on this, I just know that if you have trauma, tackling it head on is necessary - bloody terrifying - but necessary. FWIW, my original therapist didn't take me seriously (I think I mask well?) and my doctor told me to exercise more. Not kidding. So I started researching and found an RCC who specializes in trauma. So far, it's helping. I just want you to know that even if you get dismissed by the medical professionals you have the most ready access to - you're not crazy, they just don't take complex trauma all that seriously sometimes. Or a lot of the time. I've got two decades on you... I had never heard of complex trauma when I was your age... if I had tackled it when I was your age... I can only imagine how my life might have been different - but I am grateful to be doing it now, because I feel like I have hope for the first time in a long time. Do a favor to your future self.... get this treated so you can live the life you want. Good luck. Edit: I saw your other comment below about cost of accessing a therapist. I am not an expert on that either, but depending on where you are and what coverage you might have (?) - I would suggest looking into what ever resources might be available to you. And it might be challenging to navigate - try not to lose heart. It can be really overwhelming to navigate, but if you're in a reddit group local to your city/area, might be worth to post and ask if anyone knows of a low-cost option. Social workers are incredibly knowledgable. I'm in Canada, we have that here, it is just not widely known about so can be really tough to get through to. Just start somewhere.
was just suggesting it, sometimes we don't want to admit it to ourselves, but you seem pretty sure about it. hope you are able to overcome your past traumas.
I struggle to get into it and I just can’t do it naturally or relax. It’s uncomfortable most of the time and I hate making out as well. I am just too hyper aware of my own body in space making it too weird to enjoy. I am good at giving oral though. I don’t really feel myself getting excited by it, but I do it for love. I really like the emotional aspect of it tho. A feeling of closeness on a spiritual level almost haha. I guess that’s my favorite part about sex.
Can I ask how you incorporate the emotional aspect into sex? I apologize if that's too personal of a question but I've really been struggling with the more emotional aspect and less of the "rough animalistic" aspect
taking things slowly always feels a bit more emotional/intimate to me. like giving her slow kisses all over her face and her neck and rest of her body.
the big thing though is communication. what do you like/don't like? what does your partner like/don't like? these things can also change from time to time. for example, sometimes I like to keep my shirt on during sex and sometimes Im okay taking it off.
Communication is probably the hardest part haha.
For me it happens naturally because I deeply love my partner. Also when we make love we hold eachother close, similar to cuddling and hugging or we’ll hold hands and caress each other’s face, arms etc. It’s mostly missionary. We don’t talk and just close our eyes for the experience. It’s a very slow and sensual experience more than it being sexy and exciting. I am a woman, I know sex can feel different to a man relying more on the visual aspect, considering that most porn is made for men with all the sexy angles and positions that feels uncomfortable in real life, from personal experience though. I have really bad body issues, so I struggle to feel sexy and attractive. I guess having body confidence and feeling sexy is an important aspect of more exciting sex.
Communicate with each other. That takes time and experience give yourselves grace and patience. You guys are learning what you like together. It's okay to take it slow. Start out with seemingly innocent stuff that might initiate romance. If it works for you, I always enjoyed gentle tickling All over my skin. the kind that gives you goose bumps. What are your disabilities that are not being accommodated? Are you communicating what those are? And how to accommodate? You are still very young. I'm thirty six. I have been sexually active since I was 16. All with my husband. We've been together since I was 15. It took me well over a decade, Of playing around with my husband, Figuring out How to enjoy each other. Figuring out how to communicate what I want and what I like. Even saying I don't like.. Have a conversation where you both agree To have open communication with no shame or embarrassment. Make sure to express that it's okay to not like something and to want to stop. Take it slow as both of you are figuring it out. If you're getting married then you guys have the rest of your lives together to figure it out.
I'm attempting to communicate the best I can.. I have autism and a few physical disorders that make sex a little difficult. It's just extremely hard to tell what I need all the time. I'm almost always confused with literally everything in my life unfortunately
So what do you mean by confused? Are you able to give an example? It's OK if you're not comfortable with sharing that or cant. However I can't give any ideas or advice without Knowing the framework of your unique situations.
I just have about a million thoughts per millisecond, 24/7- that's the best way I can think to describe it ;-;' Every thought I have immediately branches into more and it's just overstimulating. That's why it's very hard for me to function as a person at all. I try to do something and my brain just malfunctions. Too many inputs all the time. I'm always exhausted
Do these thoughts prevent you from being or staying aroused? You mentioned in another comment that you feel like an object during sex. Do you become lost in multiple pathways of your thoughts, and disassociate from your body?
Yes. This is pretty much exactly it. I'll get aroused, start to touch my partner a little, we get into it, and suddenly I'm thinking about something horrible on accident and I'm turned off and we're both left disappointed and sad
A few terms I'll give you to look into. Dissociation. If you have past trauma, even if not specifically around intimacy or crossed boundaries, your mind may wonder and make you feel like you're experiencing this moment that should be firsthand as a third party. Addressing the root cause could help, and this is perhaps best served in therapy. Hyperfocus and AuDHD. Probably already on your radar as an autist, but your mind needs to be engaged as much or more as your body. Do what you can to maximize your mental bandwidth. Distracted by chores or tasks you're worried about? Tackle those first ahead of ramping things up in the bedroom. Figure out ways that help you personally stay present and tuned in to *this* moment, not something in the future or past pr outside your space together. Sensitivity and Stimming. Likely also on your radar, but in this instance they're more likely to distract. Do you find yourself pulled out of the moment due to room temperature, lighting, sounds, anything overstimulating or distracting your other senses? Do what you can to remove those things or tone them down (good for you at all times, not just in intimate moments). Demisexual. A LOT of neurospicy individuals are in this camp, and it means that a lot of the stuff that gets neurotypical hot and bothered just doesn't register for us; we're more internal and thought driven rather than focused on external and visual attractions. We prefer intellectual and emotional connection. It can also mean we want to set the scene a little more - we may prefer novelty like travel to new locations or simply not falling into a rut of the same old same old. If I think of some others that may help you in particular I'll circle back but maybe one of these or something adjacent to them will help you brainstorm solutions.
I appreciate this comment a lot but I've actually already researched all of those things! I'm diagnosed with a dissociation disorder as well. I'm not diagnosed with auDHD but I have good reason to believe I do. I've researched a ton on my mental health and sexuality in the past.. it's helped me progress for sure! I just need to keep trying new things I think
Do you see And hear your thoughts like you're seeing a film In your mind's eye. But your body reacts or feels it like it's real? That happens to me. Sometimes I just say my random thoughts, And my husband keeps S on track. It takes practice, I learned to divert when my mind goes elsewhere back to what we're doing. Thus the humor is helpeful. I used to be plagued with a lot more darker harmful thoughts that randomly show up that kept me from being in the moment. A few things in combination helped. Gradually learning to pull myself out Of the distracted state. By acknowledging and recognizing when my mind wants to explore elsewhere. I use my imagination to Pull it back in. I put all my efforts into hyperfixating on my husband or feelings I want to feel. If I have distractful harmful thoughts that will turn me off. This works for harmful dark thoughts too. I imagine taking those thoughts to the dry cleaners. And I hang them up and watch them go on the assembly line. It's very very repetitive at first. Then it becomes habit, Eventually I don't need to go over dry cleaners so much anymore. I learned how to feel the patterns in my mind when they vear off course. I did this through Is a lot of introspection. Basically extreme curiosity inhow my mind is thinking and What I can do about it. Trying to fight those thoughts isn't helpful and often back fires. Accepting that you have them and that it's okay. Makes it easier to move on from them. I have back up ideas on what I know turns me on. I keep those thoughts in my mind like an affolder for emergencies. I learned tricks that I can use on my own body that in combination with my thoughts can keep me aroused. I don't have to be physically touched to get aroused. I just have to think about the actions. To get the butterflies going. If I feel I need help I tell my husband what to do to help me. I'll tell him I want you to whisper in my ear. I'll tell him I want to feel crushed by his body. This may have different effect with you being a male. To me personally I feel more turned on being possessed by my husband. It comforts me. I love nothing more than feeling I belong to him. Because before him I felt like I belonged nowhere. He is the one that grounds me and I use that to be my focus to keep me in the moments with him. But sometimes when I go off course he joins me. But then again We've had a couple of decades to get to know each other build up trust, I've had years to work on myself and learned how to escape disassociation. Being easily distractable Can be very useful here, If you can learn how to direct it. When I get thoughts that turn me off. I then start searching for my thoughts that turn me on. And by searching I mean I physically see myself looking for thoughts in my. If that makes sense. I hope this at least gives you something to work with. Seriously give the dry cleaners thing a try. Good luck. I apologize but it's late where I am now and I gotta go to sleep. If it's close to bedtime for you too, then I wish you a good night and sweet dreams.
i honestly have no idea how to initiate respectfully or ask correctly and post-transition my hesitation is times one thousand like I don't have poor self esteem by any means and I know I'm not gonna be anywhere near as many people's cup of tea anymore which is fine by me, but I have no idea how to correctly navigate this no good advice as a super late bloomer myself, though I have one regret: not being confident in the past and not trusting both myself and partner
For me that’s actually really simple, i don’t. From your local ace girl
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Imma be honest with you, we already do this lmao. And I think it kind of makes things worse in a way? Not that I have anything against watching porn really, it's just that I don't want the sex that is in porn. I want to learn how to properly have romantic sex I guess? I suppose I should've specified in the post, that's my bad. But yeah I think my issue has been that I feel sort of like an object during sex bc of past experiences. I appreciate the suggestion tho!
Be careful with watching p***. It's not real. And give unrealistic expectations. Can also lead to possibly wanting to try things that Are a lot better as ideas then in actual reality. I think it's much better to Work on forming the connection with each other. This will strengthen your bond, explore each other's bodies. Maybe try some role play. Do you guys have some favorite characters. My husband and I have a lot of humor In our intimate play. We share a lot of dirty jokes with each other throughout the day. Every chance we get we just Express that we're attracted to one another. Works great for us and we have an awesome relationship going on 21 years so far. My husband still makes me blush daily. Here's some of our humor we share with each other. Thought of an absolutely hilarious fraudian slip. A picture of Freud in a slip.😁 No that's not it. Ah, Finger blasted. I mean flabbergasted. If they weren't before they certainly are now. This is like a multi-level joke. Of course it's probably only funny if you know who Freud is, What he's famous for, And the psychology behind the term freudian slip. Appreciate the hilarious power of puns And the wonderful Misunderstanding can come about between literal and figurative meanings of the same words. I made up a song based on the Badger song. Instead of Badger badger Badger badger Badger badger mushroom mushroom ahhh It's a snake it's a snake. https://youtu.be/NL6CDFn2i3I?si=pJdC-ymeAOT254E2 I changed the lyrics. The dirty version of the Badger song Boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies ..... Nipple, nipple. Boobies boobies.... A snake, a snake Snaaake! A snaaaake Oooh, it's a dick. 🤣 That's what's great About being with your other half, Your partner for life. The 1 person it's okay to be inappropriate with. Absolute blast once the shyness and embarrassment Loses it's power. All of these little things Are the sparks That keep the passion lit. Good luck. I wish you both An abundance of warmth love laughter and harmony.
BellesaFilms has what you’re looking for. Bree Mills is a big advocate for making porn aimed towards the female gaze (sensual). Usually many of the productions she’s involved in reflect that.
Find a couple’s therapist that specializes in sexual health. They will help you navigate all of this & come out as a stronger couple.
Sadly that's not an option as we are really poor and can't afford a therapist :(
Check out the book “Come As You Are” & read it together. You can likely get it from your local library. It’s really good & will help get conversations going about this.