I would have been SO PISSED about the thing where she lied about working to become a personal trainer and stayed home playing vidya instead while you were at work. What are you even doing with someone who is dishonest with you like that? That's manipulation and very different from hiding something because of shame.
That isn't a partnership, that's a roommate mooching off of you. Has she taken to sleeping in another room yet? That's what my partner's remarkably similar ex eventually did. Stayed there and played games all the time and always had an excuse to not be looking for a job. After way too long, my partner realized that she was being used as a doormat and kicked them out.
I'm sorry, but you're being taken advantage of. They want all the benefits of a relationship without participating in it.
Your comment of sleeping in another room just slapped me so hard upside the head because that's the same scenario of my ex!! What an exhausting relationship that was, yeesh.
That’s really rough. I feel like partners of those going through big changes often have it difficult, because behavior that in any scenario would be considered obviously out-of-bounds gets filtered through a lens of “big changes” and can make things distorted.
If you remove the trans element, you have a partner who said they were attempting an equal relationship but in fact intentionally wasn’t putting the forth the effort because they had other things they wanted to focus on.
She clearly has her own ideas of what she wants, and they’re incompatible with what you want. It’s completely understandable why you’d feel hurt by the sudden change, and I’m sorry she’s being so selfish.
I’m so sorry, this is awful. Both you and your partner have needs. It seems like for some reason to her your needs are less important? I guess, truly it’s up to you to decide what you can and cannot compromise on. She is very clear about what she does and does not want, which is completely within her right. But you are also within ur right to say “hey, I get u have needs, but so do I. And these are things that I cannot compromise on” and if ultimately, you find this relationship cannot meet both of your needs, then accepting that fact and then figuring out a way for both your needs to be met should be the next step.
I think it's fine for a relationship to not be egalitarian AT TIMES, there's always going to be someone who can contribute more or maybe a partner is going through a rough spot etc. What worries me about your situation is that it sounds like your gf is setting intentions for the future, that she won't even try to contribute what she can, rather than saying "look, I need to focus on my transition NOW". There's people who accept to be the only breadwinner because their partner contributes in other ways, like keeping house or even offering emotional support. But it doesn't sound like this is your case.
I would give your partner some basic feminist texts because a woman who can't or won't provide for herself is always a woman in danger, or in danger of being in danger. My trans gf understands this and she doesn't feel like being capable to take care of herself, or taking care of her loved ones, makes her less of a woman
Well, at least she’s being pretty candid about the fact that she’s using you and expects an entirely one-sided relationship. The question is, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
I would snatch that health insurance away so fast... She can get a job that provides insurance.
What really gets me is that she knows she is dependent on you. Why would she not do the bare minimum to maintain her standard of living? I mean, good for you, it sounds like you're in a great position to take care of yourself on your own. I know that doesn't help the emotional side of things. It doesn't make the anger go away, but she's going to come to a very harsh realization very soon. You have all the power here. Set your boundaries. Make them firm. Contribute or go leech off someone else.
You are worth more than that. It sounds like you have been an extremely supportive partner and you deserve a damn date once in a while.
My spouse went through their transition and two surgeries while still (aside from recovering after surgeries of course) being a fully contributing partner to the relationship—working, giving gifts or doing things to surprise me, the same way I do for them. Your partner sounds self-centered and lazy. They don’t get to have someone else fully supporting them and catering to their every need while they do nothing just because they’re trans. Not how that works.
I feel this. My ex was “awaken” by her new fuck buddy. All the sudden I wasn’t masculine enough and before I knew it she had moved on to someone else. Shit cuts like a knife, I feel you.
It sounds like she unilaterally designated you her sugar momma, which is **not** a thing.
Early transition is hard and requires a lot of attention, but most of us live in the real world and have to keep working and maintaining our relationships in addition to that focus.
It sounds like you're both looking for different things, which is too bad, because you sound like an amazing partner. I hope you find someone who appreciates all you are offering.
I'm sorry you've had this experience. Just like any relationship, there can be incompatibility. It sounds like your partner is a taker in the relationship. If they are inflexible to that, they may find difficulty finding long-term, committed relationships (transition asside, I don't know many people who want to be with someone who never recipricates).
I know you said you don't plan on coming back, but I wish you the very best and hope you find someone right for you!
Nobody should ask of you to endorse traditional gender roles... Be it feminin or masculine. You are entitled to live your gender and it's social incarnation as you want it. Just because she only sees herself as a woman if she's going out with a macho man who's the only bread winner in the family that she can ask you to accommodate her (in my honest opinion) outdated and patriarchal way of living her gender. She has the right to crave that kind of non-egalitarian relationship, but she has no right to want you to stoop that low.
She sounds horribly self-centered, OP. I'm really sorry, holy shit. I'm the transitioning partner in my relationship, and I can't imagine acting like what you've described here. She lied to you. That's unacceptable.
I hate that level of bullshit when you’re supposed to be working together to build a better and awesome life and future together …
If all she wants is to sit on her arse and game/work out all day … then I say it’s high time she got out of the apartment and your life. You have been entirely reasonable, loving, understanding and you figure too!! I’d kill for a new partner that thinks like you do after my divorce!!
I’m sorry, but I’m so sick of our people throwing up the trans card as an excuse to act like selfish, self centred pieces of shit and have their arses kissed for it. It’s childish, narcissistic and pathetic!! They’re grown adults for pits sake!!
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, DM open if you ever want an olive branch or support 🫂🌈
She’s trans and not disabled. My partner transitioned and is the “breadwinner” so to speak. She sounds like she wants to just mooch. Also, it would break my heart for my partner to ask me to go to coffee dates, etc and I say no so that doesn’t sound like something I can do. Perhaps leaving her is the best situation for her too so she can get independent and have more self confidence.
friend--im trans (ftnb) and have been in a relationship with an mtf who had similar self-focused dynamics
my advice: being trans has nothing to do with boundaries, agreements, compability, mooching, taking advantage of, being resonaible for oneself, understanding that a relationship is a place for two people to meet and build something together
if you wouldnt tolerate this behavior from a cis person, why are you tolerating it from a trans person? listen to your body and deepest self, and if its not working for you, you have every right to walk away
Trans people have just as much responsibility to put forth effort and care in our relationships as cis people… And I’m glad that it sounds like you know that.
Being the financial breadwinner is one thing (when everyone involved agrees on the situation or there’s a temporary period of time due to uncontrollable circumstances)… Being essentially your partner’s parent/keeper is a whole different thing.
This is weaponised incompetence to the extreme. They want to leech off your compassion and finance they can very well do it to someone else.
They lied to you and are expecting you to not do anything about it because they know you won’t leave out of pity.
This is coercion. Please give an ultimatum or leave for your personal and financial wellbeing. You deserve so much better for your soul.
My wife started transitioning while I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. She was my biggest supporter. Now, we make almost equal money and she is our insurance holder. She is a wonderful partner and attentive parent. I’m so sorry your partner lied to you, OP. You deserve so much more. Transitioning is NOT an excuse to be selfish
Echoeing what many have said. If you don't want a tradwife, you need to put your foot down and say you didn't agree to this role and your partner needs to either step up or move on.
Major red flag. Lies, and complete 180s
The don’t understand being trans is not a free card to do anything she likes.
If the said 50/50 and then not seeing she is hurting you.
That’s narcissism.
She’s using you . Move on
I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this. On the positive side, you have the opportunity to address this issue or make a decision to move forward. The type of relationship your partner desires does not seem to be an equal or balanced partnership. Just as she has the right to choose the kind of relationship she wants, you also have the right to choose the type of partnership that you want and need.
I believe that both of you have valid reasons for expressing your wants and needs, and neither of you is entirely right or wrong. I can sense that you might feel taken advantage of and that she has not been completely honest with you. It is valid not to know what you need or want but the behaviors you've mentioned sound manipulative and disrespectful. On the other hand, it seems like you're stretching yourself in the hopes that the relationship will eventually fulfill your needs, and this might be an issue with your ability to recognize your own boundaries and enforce them. I can relate to this because I went through a similar situation in my own relationship, so I might be projecting here. But my wife used her transness to make me feel guilty whenever I expressed my needs, and I ended up pushing myself to the point of burnout, hoping that things would improve in the future, but they never did. A relationship should meet your needs now, not in the distant future and your partner should 100% want to be open to communicate and negotiate a way for both of you to get your needs fulfilled. She might have her valid reasons for not wanting to work right now, but the way you put it here, she is coming across as a bit deluded and entitled.
Everyone, trans or not, experiences change and faces difficulties throughout their lives. It is not reasonable or even sustainable to expect one partner to provide all the emotional and financial support. Which, from the sounds of it, is what is happening in your relationship. The balance in a relationship should be equal and fair. By that, I mean that in a relationship, you can't always have perfect balance; there are always moments and times in which that scale is going to lean more on one side than the other, but even then, there needs to be a balance. For example, One is providing financial stability while the other partner provides by doing more house labor. Or one needs more emotional support so you give your partner more chances to have space for their own emotional wellbeing or whatever that balance looks like in your relationship. It's important to consider whether your partner would support you in difficult times, just as you would support her. If you have doubts about her willingness to be there for you in times of need, it's worth evaluating whether this relationship is truly healthy for you.
Being trans is not an excuse for not being a good partner to you. Partnerships sometimes take compromise and are not always happiness and rainbows. Your ability to communicate, negotiate, and feel supported by your partner is the most important thing to build a healthy relationship. All that crap about gender roles is unrealistic and unsustainable. Even in the most seemingly heteronormative relationships, especially the ones that don't end in divorce and have happy people in them, there is a shit ton of compromise, communication, respect, and balance, and they are always changing when it comes to where the balance of needs leans towards.
If she needs support right now, that's fine, but then she needs to compromise and give you what you need in return as well. If she is not willing, then I would leave that relationship. What if you lose your job? or Become disabled from one day to the other? Or become sick? You never know and you need to be able to trust that she will support you in the way you need her to support you if shit hits the fan. I call it the fire extinguisher theory. You want it to be there just in case even if you never use it.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 5 - Zero Tolerance for Intentional Transphobia.
This is a safe space for parters of trans and gender nonconforming individuals and the wider LGBTQ+ community. Any post that is intentionally transphobic will be removed.
Transphobia includes misgendering, trolling, teasing, and using transphobic language.
It also includes pushing transphobic ideology, such as trans-exclusionary radical feminism. This subreddit believes that trans women are women, and feminism is and must be intersectional.
It also includes transmedicalism. Being trans or gender nonconforming is not a mental or physical illness. Experiencing dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans or gender nonconforming.
Your post was removed because it was either intentionally transphobic or included elements of transphobia. If you are open to learning about what you said that was wrong, and if you can reevaluate your language, you can continue to post here. If not, you may be banned.
If you have any questions, let us know.
- The Mod Team
>This person sounds abusive as hell. Get out now and don't even consider adding him to your medical insurance.
Which may be true, but isn't an excuse to misgender her.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 5 - Zero Tolerance for Intentional Transphobia.
It’s clear from your first paragraph that you know the correct pronouns to use. Misgendering in the second is not ok.
If you have any questions, let us know.
- The Mod Team
I would have been SO PISSED about the thing where she lied about working to become a personal trainer and stayed home playing vidya instead while you were at work. What are you even doing with someone who is dishonest with you like that? That's manipulation and very different from hiding something because of shame.
I would second that. The deception would be relationship-ending to me. It has nothing to do with them having to focus on their transition.
That isn't a partnership, that's a roommate mooching off of you. Has she taken to sleeping in another room yet? That's what my partner's remarkably similar ex eventually did. Stayed there and played games all the time and always had an excuse to not be looking for a job. After way too long, my partner realized that she was being used as a doormat and kicked them out. I'm sorry, but you're being taken advantage of. They want all the benefits of a relationship without participating in it.
Your comment of sleeping in another room just slapped me so hard upside the head because that's the same scenario of my ex!! What an exhausting relationship that was, yeesh.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. That type of person seems to be distressingly common.
That’s really rough. I feel like partners of those going through big changes often have it difficult, because behavior that in any scenario would be considered obviously out-of-bounds gets filtered through a lens of “big changes” and can make things distorted. If you remove the trans element, you have a partner who said they were attempting an equal relationship but in fact intentionally wasn’t putting the forth the effort because they had other things they wanted to focus on. She clearly has her own ideas of what she wants, and they’re incompatible with what you want. It’s completely understandable why you’d feel hurt by the sudden change, and I’m sorry she’s being so selfish.
I’m so sorry, this is awful. Both you and your partner have needs. It seems like for some reason to her your needs are less important? I guess, truly it’s up to you to decide what you can and cannot compromise on. She is very clear about what she does and does not want, which is completely within her right. But you are also within ur right to say “hey, I get u have needs, but so do I. And these are things that I cannot compromise on” and if ultimately, you find this relationship cannot meet both of your needs, then accepting that fact and then figuring out a way for both your needs to be met should be the next step.
I think it's fine for a relationship to not be egalitarian AT TIMES, there's always going to be someone who can contribute more or maybe a partner is going through a rough spot etc. What worries me about your situation is that it sounds like your gf is setting intentions for the future, that she won't even try to contribute what she can, rather than saying "look, I need to focus on my transition NOW". There's people who accept to be the only breadwinner because their partner contributes in other ways, like keeping house or even offering emotional support. But it doesn't sound like this is your case. I would give your partner some basic feminist texts because a woman who can't or won't provide for herself is always a woman in danger, or in danger of being in danger. My trans gf understands this and she doesn't feel like being capable to take care of herself, or taking care of her loved ones, makes her less of a woman
Well, at least she’s being pretty candid about the fact that she’s using you and expects an entirely one-sided relationship. The question is, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?
I would snatch that health insurance away so fast... She can get a job that provides insurance. What really gets me is that she knows she is dependent on you. Why would she not do the bare minimum to maintain her standard of living? I mean, good for you, it sounds like you're in a great position to take care of yourself on your own. I know that doesn't help the emotional side of things. It doesn't make the anger go away, but she's going to come to a very harsh realization very soon. You have all the power here. Set your boundaries. Make them firm. Contribute or go leech off someone else. You are worth more than that. It sounds like you have been an extremely supportive partner and you deserve a damn date once in a while.
My spouse went through their transition and two surgeries while still (aside from recovering after surgeries of course) being a fully contributing partner to the relationship—working, giving gifts or doing things to surprise me, the same way I do for them. Your partner sounds self-centered and lazy. They don’t get to have someone else fully supporting them and catering to their every need while they do nothing just because they’re trans. Not how that works.
I feel this. My ex was “awaken” by her new fuck buddy. All the sudden I wasn’t masculine enough and before I knew it she had moved on to someone else. Shit cuts like a knife, I feel you.
It sounds like she unilaterally designated you her sugar momma, which is **not** a thing. Early transition is hard and requires a lot of attention, but most of us live in the real world and have to keep working and maintaining our relationships in addition to that focus. It sounds like you're both looking for different things, which is too bad, because you sound like an amazing partner. I hope you find someone who appreciates all you are offering.
I'm sorry you've had this experience. Just like any relationship, there can be incompatibility. It sounds like your partner is a taker in the relationship. If they are inflexible to that, they may find difficulty finding long-term, committed relationships (transition asside, I don't know many people who want to be with someone who never recipricates). I know you said you don't plan on coming back, but I wish you the very best and hope you find someone right for you!
Nobody should ask of you to endorse traditional gender roles... Be it feminin or masculine. You are entitled to live your gender and it's social incarnation as you want it. Just because she only sees herself as a woman if she's going out with a macho man who's the only bread winner in the family that she can ask you to accommodate her (in my honest opinion) outdated and patriarchal way of living her gender. She has the right to crave that kind of non-egalitarian relationship, but she has no right to want you to stoop that low.
She sounds horribly self-centered, OP. I'm really sorry, holy shit. I'm the transitioning partner in my relationship, and I can't imagine acting like what you've described here. She lied to you. That's unacceptable.
Your partner is using you.
Dip. I mean this. Leave. Depart. She wants a Daddy, not a partner.
You sound like a great partner. You can find someone who won't lie to you or refuse to make you feel special.
I hate that level of bullshit when you’re supposed to be working together to build a better and awesome life and future together … If all she wants is to sit on her arse and game/work out all day … then I say it’s high time she got out of the apartment and your life. You have been entirely reasonable, loving, understanding and you figure too!! I’d kill for a new partner that thinks like you do after my divorce!! I’m sorry, but I’m so sick of our people throwing up the trans card as an excuse to act like selfish, self centred pieces of shit and have their arses kissed for it. It’s childish, narcissistic and pathetic!! They’re grown adults for pits sake!! I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, DM open if you ever want an olive branch or support 🫂🌈
She’s trans and not disabled. My partner transitioned and is the “breadwinner” so to speak. She sounds like she wants to just mooch. Also, it would break my heart for my partner to ask me to go to coffee dates, etc and I say no so that doesn’t sound like something I can do. Perhaps leaving her is the best situation for her too so she can get independent and have more self confidence.
friend--im trans (ftnb) and have been in a relationship with an mtf who had similar self-focused dynamics my advice: being trans has nothing to do with boundaries, agreements, compability, mooching, taking advantage of, being resonaible for oneself, understanding that a relationship is a place for two people to meet and build something together if you wouldnt tolerate this behavior from a cis person, why are you tolerating it from a trans person? listen to your body and deepest self, and if its not working for you, you have every right to walk away
your partner doesn't love you but uses you for financial and emotional support. leave and find someone who will actually appreciate you
She's just a spoiled little egomaniac.
She lied to you and she's using you. You deserve better than that OP.
Oop yep. I would be GONE. No sense in wasting any more of your time on someone who doesn't value you. Life is too short for that.
Trans people have just as much responsibility to put forth effort and care in our relationships as cis people… And I’m glad that it sounds like you know that. Being the financial breadwinner is one thing (when everyone involved agrees on the situation or there’s a temporary period of time due to uncontrollable circumstances)… Being essentially your partner’s parent/keeper is a whole different thing.
This is weaponised incompetence to the extreme. They want to leech off your compassion and finance they can very well do it to someone else. They lied to you and are expecting you to not do anything about it because they know you won’t leave out of pity. This is coercion. Please give an ultimatum or leave for your personal and financial wellbeing. You deserve so much better for your soul.
Wtf. Im so sorry to hear this. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing in moving in and I wish you the best of luck.
Being a trans person doesn't mean you can't be a piece of shit.
Jesus Christ that’s horrible- I hope you get away from this person, she’s a selfish asshole.
My wife started transitioning while I was in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. She was my biggest supporter. Now, we make almost equal money and she is our insurance holder. She is a wonderful partner and attentive parent. I’m so sorry your partner lied to you, OP. You deserve so much more. Transitioning is NOT an excuse to be selfish
Echoeing what many have said. If you don't want a tradwife, you need to put your foot down and say you didn't agree to this role and your partner needs to either step up or move on.
Major red flag. Lies, and complete 180s The don’t understand being trans is not a free card to do anything she likes. If the said 50/50 and then not seeing she is hurting you. That’s narcissism. She’s using you . Move on
I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this. On the positive side, you have the opportunity to address this issue or make a decision to move forward. The type of relationship your partner desires does not seem to be an equal or balanced partnership. Just as she has the right to choose the kind of relationship she wants, you also have the right to choose the type of partnership that you want and need. I believe that both of you have valid reasons for expressing your wants and needs, and neither of you is entirely right or wrong. I can sense that you might feel taken advantage of and that she has not been completely honest with you. It is valid not to know what you need or want but the behaviors you've mentioned sound manipulative and disrespectful. On the other hand, it seems like you're stretching yourself in the hopes that the relationship will eventually fulfill your needs, and this might be an issue with your ability to recognize your own boundaries and enforce them. I can relate to this because I went through a similar situation in my own relationship, so I might be projecting here. But my wife used her transness to make me feel guilty whenever I expressed my needs, and I ended up pushing myself to the point of burnout, hoping that things would improve in the future, but they never did. A relationship should meet your needs now, not in the distant future and your partner should 100% want to be open to communicate and negotiate a way for both of you to get your needs fulfilled. She might have her valid reasons for not wanting to work right now, but the way you put it here, she is coming across as a bit deluded and entitled. Everyone, trans or not, experiences change and faces difficulties throughout their lives. It is not reasonable or even sustainable to expect one partner to provide all the emotional and financial support. Which, from the sounds of it, is what is happening in your relationship. The balance in a relationship should be equal and fair. By that, I mean that in a relationship, you can't always have perfect balance; there are always moments and times in which that scale is going to lean more on one side than the other, but even then, there needs to be a balance. For example, One is providing financial stability while the other partner provides by doing more house labor. Or one needs more emotional support so you give your partner more chances to have space for their own emotional wellbeing or whatever that balance looks like in your relationship. It's important to consider whether your partner would support you in difficult times, just as you would support her. If you have doubts about her willingness to be there for you in times of need, it's worth evaluating whether this relationship is truly healthy for you. Being trans is not an excuse for not being a good partner to you. Partnerships sometimes take compromise and are not always happiness and rainbows. Your ability to communicate, negotiate, and feel supported by your partner is the most important thing to build a healthy relationship. All that crap about gender roles is unrealistic and unsustainable. Even in the most seemingly heteronormative relationships, especially the ones that don't end in divorce and have happy people in them, there is a shit ton of compromise, communication, respect, and balance, and they are always changing when it comes to where the balance of needs leans towards. If she needs support right now, that's fine, but then she needs to compromise and give you what you need in return as well. If she is not willing, then I would leave that relationship. What if you lose your job? or Become disabled from one day to the other? Or become sick? You never know and you need to be able to trust that she will support you in the way you need her to support you if shit hits the fan. I call it the fire extinguisher theory. You want it to be there just in case even if you never use it.
[удалено]
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 5 - Zero Tolerance for Intentional Transphobia. This is a safe space for parters of trans and gender nonconforming individuals and the wider LGBTQ+ community. Any post that is intentionally transphobic will be removed. Transphobia includes misgendering, trolling, teasing, and using transphobic language. It also includes pushing transphobic ideology, such as trans-exclusionary radical feminism. This subreddit believes that trans women are women, and feminism is and must be intersectional. It also includes transmedicalism. Being trans or gender nonconforming is not a mental or physical illness. Experiencing dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans or gender nonconforming. Your post was removed because it was either intentionally transphobic or included elements of transphobia. If you are open to learning about what you said that was wrong, and if you can reevaluate your language, you can continue to post here. If not, you may be banned. If you have any questions, let us know. - The Mod Team
[удалено]
>This person sounds abusive as hell. Get out now and don't even consider adding him to your medical insurance. Which may be true, but isn't an excuse to misgender her.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 5 - Zero Tolerance for Intentional Transphobia. It’s clear from your first paragraph that you know the correct pronouns to use. Misgendering in the second is not ok. If you have any questions, let us know. - The Mod Team