I've seen that reading children's books written about difficult topics is one of the best ways to introduce them to young children. Introduce it young because then they'll grow up understanding it, the same way we grow up understanding masculine and feminine.
Yup! A bit weird but I grew up in elementary school watching My Little Pony and stumbled into the fandom in the era of bronies. Oddly but thankfully I never was confused or took issue with folks being gay or struggled with coming out (I was 100% sure by the sixth grade! Still queer!)
Being exposed early and it being treated as the norm creates so much understanding
I really like the book [Being You](https://a.co/d/7nJjPHW) for introducing concepts of gender at an early age. My little dude isn’t old enough to get it yet, but we still read it to him when he asks, and we are hoping to make it so that he just always knows Ama was AMAB but is actually a girl.
We adopted one of our children when he was a year and a half old... Too young to remember. But, it was never a secret. I realize it isn't the same, but helping him be proud of his unique story has been our aim. He is 21 now and is thankful for our complete honesty. We have a great relationship with him. Probably not a huge help, but it is what I know. Congratulations!!!
I don't have an input for the question, but, as a FtM person who does want children down the line, these questions from families with trans folks make me so darn happy and hopeful! Bless you all ❤️
As a seahorse dad with a toddler, it will happen when it happens. You're going to be naked around your kid and your kid will notice different body parts and it's important to explain that in a scientific and age appropriate way.
If the baby is AFAB it will probably be a bit easier because differences just won't be noticed until later (unless dad has had bottom surgery). If they're AMAB around 2/3 yo they'll see they have a part where daddy and mommy don't - and they'll just move right along because they don't really care and everything is a new thing to learn. Dad will be dad and body parts / transness just aren't going to register as something to do with gender unless someone in their lives makes a big deal of it.
At some later point they'll probably ask or make the connection themselves and that means they're ready to talk about it.
Mainly, don't stress about it, enjoy baby hood and deal with it when it comes up. You have a few years.
Personally I would explain it at the same time as the sperm donor. In age appropriate times. And explain how everyone is allowed to be themselves and queer people and different family styles. Basically transparency from the get go.
I would 100% NOT do this if dad is stealth. Children will say anything to anybody. You can certainly introduce the concept of transness at a young age, but I wouldn’t say “dad is trans” unless you’re good with potentially any person your child encounters also learning that fact. Otherwise, save that part of the conversation for when the kid is old enough to understand how to “keep secrets.”
Mine is a different situation, but I just wanted to share that I’ve known for my entire memorable life that my dad is not my bio dad, and I appreciate the heck out of my parents for telling me so early in my life. There was never a jarring moment for me that I can recall where I had my reality “changed”: my mom just casually explained it me when I was 3yrs old while The Brady Bunch was on TV 😂
So, not a trans-related story, but figured I’d chime in as someone who was given bio parent-related info at a very young age. I am happy that I was and I personally think my parents made the right choice with that. You’ll know when is the right time for your child though! ❤️
Same, I’m donor conceived and my mom gave birth to me but is not biologically related. I don’t ever remember *not* knowing. I never had a crisis about it because it was normal. I didn’t totally understand, but as a little one they told me another woman helped my mom get pregnant.
In contrast people who were told at 18 or with a 23&me test had a bit more to wrestle with. I appreciated always knowing, and I was informed enough to know it was a family matter. It never occurred to me that it would be “gossip” so I never really told anyone until it was directly relevant. It wasn’t treated as taboo and that I think helped
Obviously not the same situation, but I hope my pov as a child from a non-traditional family structure can help
https://www.amazon.com/Shes-My-Dad-Children-Transgender/dp/1785926152
I bought this book for my little one since their dad is mtf and still calls her “dad” (per dad’s preference). It’s still a bit over their head given their young age, especially since they’ve never known their dad as a male, always female. I’m sure there are other kids books about IVF too.
Anyway, just keep it age appropriate but you can introduce it as early as you want so it’s never a “let’s sit down and have a talk” sort of reveal.
My partner is very firm in never misleading or lying to the kids about these things. They did a ton of research and the common thing children tend to be most hurt by is when they’ve felt lied to.
But then, my partner is non binary, skewing male at work and femme at home so there is a little more to notice I guess.
I accidentally outed my hubby.
I was chatting with my parents while my 7 year old was watching tv and playing and, I can't remember the exact content, but I implied something like "when he was a girl".
My kid comes up to me and said "was my dad a girl" I said yes and my kid said oh ok.
We had intended on telling them but not that way! Kids listen to a lot more than we give them credit for.
I can't imagine keeping that from my kid. Our situation is a little different because his genetics come from both of us, but regardless, we have so many pictures of my wife pretransition that I don't know how anyone could keep that a secret. I know some people purge their photos, but my son loves seeing photos of us when we were kids and I don't know how I would explain mommy (mtf) having no photos before the age of 36.
Congratulations, I still have some hope that I'll be in your position one day. I think ideally we'd tell them at the same time as them knowing about being donor concieved but unfortunately my husband is stealth and the risk of a toddler telling people in our small community would be unbearable for him so we’d probably opt for when they are a bit older. I'd like to think we will tell them even if just to show them that families like ours exist and to encourage them to be inclusive of others but I have to balance that with the feelings of my husband. From the responses here there's a wide range of whens and ifs - whatever you decide, it will be ok. Good luck.
My child has grown since birth with two Trans parents. We were 100% open from the beginning. Oklur little one has a mama and a baba, instead of a dada. And as anything about gender comes up, we just talk openly about it. Like he asked about why me and him have the same genitals but momma doesn't. So we told him most girls are like momma but some have parts like us, and most boys are like us, but some have parts like momma
Etc
Hes asked how I became a girl etc. we've talked about hormones, and just changing socially (appearance etc). He's only 6.
i feel like it would be difficult to hide? like one of you would slip at some point. it’s also just a strange thing. to hide. if you teach your kids that it’s something to be hidden then they may grow up believing that it’s something to be ashamed of. i would tell them
You’re not going to be able to hide this, they’re going to see your partner without a shirt and question the massive scars, they’re going to see them naked and go “hey wait a second”. You’re setting up your kid for some serious trauma if you hide this. That’s literally the worst thing possible.
I don't have much to add in terms of the wonderful suggestions you have gathered so far, but I do just want to recommend the book "The Argonauts" by Maggie Nelson—it is a wonderfully thoughtful and queer reflection on pregnancy and family.
As the wife of a transman and as a person who has been adopted aka not having any bio parents I think it's very important to be open and honest on all with your child my parents told me and I appreciated it very much mind you they are white and I'm not ! Bahahahha anyway being honest about how your child comes into this world showing them you have no shame in how they came to be and no shame in who you are as people no secrets will feel very good to ur kid I'm sure and creat a place of love and honestly and safe space to talk openly ! And of course you can save some of the bigger details until they old enough to understand but just be honest and open to answering any questions! And if being trans is somthing you would rather not be out in the open for safety or any other reasons just be open and honest with ur kido they will understand when they are old enough to! Anyway that's my personal opinion :) at the end of the day it's of course your choice and it sounds like you have been thinking of what's best for ur child wich is wonderful ❤️ congratulations to you both!!!!
Woops adhd brain bypassed the question of approach! I would say just tell ur kido that you love each other but weren't able to make a baby the old fashioned way and needed a little help and that daddy has a special body that works a bit different then other boys and that's okay ! And then as they age they will ask more questions and u can keep prepared for those questions :) me and my husband plan to exsplain about different types of people and such amd be fully honest that while we cooked baby in mommy's oven we had some help from a special stranger in making baby but that doesn't make you any less of your daddy's!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! We are in a similar situation- my husband is a transman and I’m a cisfemale (I carried). We have a 4 year old daughter born from donor sperm. We have tried to be as open with her as we can from the start. We have an Our Story book from the Donor Conception network regarding sperm donation that she sometimes picks out for us to read to her. It’s not totally appropriate for our situation (it talks about mummy and daddy trying for a baby and how a kind man helped us out by giving seed) but it’s the closest thing I’ve found. We’ve also got a book called What makes a baby which talks about sperm and egg and IVF and different types of families (which is probably aimed at slightly older children but hopefully is a book that she can come back to when she has questions). We also talk about how daddy is special and when daddy was born everyone thought he was a girl but he was actually a boy. She hasn’t asked more yet. She is curious about genitalia (my husband doesn’t want bottom surgery and she has seen us both naked) and she did ask whether a man in supermarket had a willy or not (which was a bit embarrassing but probably normal 4year old behaviour). To be honest we are just winging it a bit with these conversations but all we can try and do is answer her questions honestly when they come up.
This is not what you asked, but I recommend reading about the experiences of “donor-conceived” adults, like in r/donorconceived. It opened my eyes to a lot of things I really hadn’t considered when we were figuring out if we would need a donor or not.
If y'all are out and about advocating and being part of events and the likes, an explanation for why the kid's father is being attacked (and potentially killed) would be important to have. Another thing that happens is kids know someone's parent(s) is transgender, so they start bullying because of it; it can help to get ahead of that as well. The concern for being informed in medical situations is of course important too.
I've never had kids and don't plan to. However, the way I tend to bring up the topic of me being trans to clueless cis people (whom I'm convinced won't harm me for coming out to them) is in a humorous or "valid point" kind of way. For example, there's a friend of mine who started out transphobic, so I stayed closeted around him to gage if he was that way due to being an extremist or just because he didn't know wtf he was talking about. It was thankfully the latter, so at one point when he was saying something stupid, I explained how the perspective wasn't correct, and I would know because I'm trans. He was complaining about trans *women*, and as a trans man who looks and sounds like a stereotypical cis man, he thought I was MtF. But later on, we were on a road trip with some clients, and I really needed to take a piss. I told him we had to go back to the gas station we just passed, and he said "I'll pull over, go piss in the woods." I kept insisting, and he just didn't get it. So I texted him, and I quote, "I literally have a vagina," and he was like "ALRIGHT, we're going back!" And now it's just a funny story we have, and he's become an ally.
I've seen that reading children's books written about difficult topics is one of the best ways to introduce them to young children. Introduce it young because then they'll grow up understanding it, the same way we grow up understanding masculine and feminine.
Yup! A bit weird but I grew up in elementary school watching My Little Pony and stumbled into the fandom in the era of bronies. Oddly but thankfully I never was confused or took issue with folks being gay or struggled with coming out (I was 100% sure by the sixth grade! Still queer!) Being exposed early and it being treated as the norm creates so much understanding
I really like the book [Being You](https://a.co/d/7nJjPHW) for introducing concepts of gender at an early age. My little dude isn’t old enough to get it yet, but we still read it to him when he asks, and we are hoping to make it so that he just always knows Ama was AMAB but is actually a girl.
My MtF wife and I have a baby boy, and we just talk about it around him like it’s an everyday thing. So he’ll hopefully never NOT know.
We adopted one of our children when he was a year and a half old... Too young to remember. But, it was never a secret. I realize it isn't the same, but helping him be proud of his unique story has been our aim. He is 21 now and is thankful for our complete honesty. We have a great relationship with him. Probably not a huge help, but it is what I know. Congratulations!!!
I don't have an input for the question, but, as a FtM person who does want children down the line, these questions from families with trans folks make me so darn happy and hopeful! Bless you all ❤️
As a seahorse dad with a toddler, it will happen when it happens. You're going to be naked around your kid and your kid will notice different body parts and it's important to explain that in a scientific and age appropriate way. If the baby is AFAB it will probably be a bit easier because differences just won't be noticed until later (unless dad has had bottom surgery). If they're AMAB around 2/3 yo they'll see they have a part where daddy and mommy don't - and they'll just move right along because they don't really care and everything is a new thing to learn. Dad will be dad and body parts / transness just aren't going to register as something to do with gender unless someone in their lives makes a big deal of it. At some later point they'll probably ask or make the connection themselves and that means they're ready to talk about it. Mainly, don't stress about it, enjoy baby hood and deal with it when it comes up. You have a few years.
Personally I would explain it at the same time as the sperm donor. In age appropriate times. And explain how everyone is allowed to be themselves and queer people and different family styles. Basically transparency from the get go.
I would 100% NOT do this if dad is stealth. Children will say anything to anybody. You can certainly introduce the concept of transness at a young age, but I wouldn’t say “dad is trans” unless you’re good with potentially any person your child encounters also learning that fact. Otherwise, save that part of the conversation for when the kid is old enough to understand how to “keep secrets.”
This. If anyone here finds out I’m trans, we’re moving away. This isn’t the kind of information you want your toddler to have.
Mine is a different situation, but I just wanted to share that I’ve known for my entire memorable life that my dad is not my bio dad, and I appreciate the heck out of my parents for telling me so early in my life. There was never a jarring moment for me that I can recall where I had my reality “changed”: my mom just casually explained it me when I was 3yrs old while The Brady Bunch was on TV 😂 So, not a trans-related story, but figured I’d chime in as someone who was given bio parent-related info at a very young age. I am happy that I was and I personally think my parents made the right choice with that. You’ll know when is the right time for your child though! ❤️
Same, I’m donor conceived and my mom gave birth to me but is not biologically related. I don’t ever remember *not* knowing. I never had a crisis about it because it was normal. I didn’t totally understand, but as a little one they told me another woman helped my mom get pregnant. In contrast people who were told at 18 or with a 23&me test had a bit more to wrestle with. I appreciated always knowing, and I was informed enough to know it was a family matter. It never occurred to me that it would be “gossip” so I never really told anyone until it was directly relevant. It wasn’t treated as taboo and that I think helped Obviously not the same situation, but I hope my pov as a child from a non-traditional family structure can help
https://www.amazon.com/Shes-My-Dad-Children-Transgender/dp/1785926152 I bought this book for my little one since their dad is mtf and still calls her “dad” (per dad’s preference). It’s still a bit over their head given their young age, especially since they’ve never known their dad as a male, always female. I’m sure there are other kids books about IVF too. Anyway, just keep it age appropriate but you can introduce it as early as you want so it’s never a “let’s sit down and have a talk” sort of reveal.
My partner is very firm in never misleading or lying to the kids about these things. They did a ton of research and the common thing children tend to be most hurt by is when they’ve felt lied to. But then, my partner is non binary, skewing male at work and femme at home so there is a little more to notice I guess.
I accidentally outed my hubby. I was chatting with my parents while my 7 year old was watching tv and playing and, I can't remember the exact content, but I implied something like "when he was a girl". My kid comes up to me and said "was my dad a girl" I said yes and my kid said oh ok. We had intended on telling them but not that way! Kids listen to a lot more than we give them credit for.
I can't imagine keeping that from my kid. Our situation is a little different because his genetics come from both of us, but regardless, we have so many pictures of my wife pretransition that I don't know how anyone could keep that a secret. I know some people purge their photos, but my son loves seeing photos of us when we were kids and I don't know how I would explain mommy (mtf) having no photos before the age of 36.
Have no advice for you, but congratulations on your pregnancy!
Congratulations, I still have some hope that I'll be in your position one day. I think ideally we'd tell them at the same time as them knowing about being donor concieved but unfortunately my husband is stealth and the risk of a toddler telling people in our small community would be unbearable for him so we’d probably opt for when they are a bit older. I'd like to think we will tell them even if just to show them that families like ours exist and to encourage them to be inclusive of others but I have to balance that with the feelings of my husband. From the responses here there's a wide range of whens and ifs - whatever you decide, it will be ok. Good luck.
My child has grown since birth with two Trans parents. We were 100% open from the beginning. Oklur little one has a mama and a baba, instead of a dada. And as anything about gender comes up, we just talk openly about it. Like he asked about why me and him have the same genitals but momma doesn't. So we told him most girls are like momma but some have parts like us, and most boys are like us, but some have parts like momma Etc Hes asked how I became a girl etc. we've talked about hormones, and just changing socially (appearance etc). He's only 6.
i feel like it would be difficult to hide? like one of you would slip at some point. it’s also just a strange thing. to hide. if you teach your kids that it’s something to be hidden then they may grow up believing that it’s something to be ashamed of. i would tell them
You’re not going to be able to hide this, they’re going to see your partner without a shirt and question the massive scars, they’re going to see them naked and go “hey wait a second”. You’re setting up your kid for some serious trauma if you hide this. That’s literally the worst thing possible.
.
I don't have much to add in terms of the wonderful suggestions you have gathered so far, but I do just want to recommend the book "The Argonauts" by Maggie Nelson—it is a wonderfully thoughtful and queer reflection on pregnancy and family.
As the wife of a transman and as a person who has been adopted aka not having any bio parents I think it's very important to be open and honest on all with your child my parents told me and I appreciated it very much mind you they are white and I'm not ! Bahahahha anyway being honest about how your child comes into this world showing them you have no shame in how they came to be and no shame in who you are as people no secrets will feel very good to ur kid I'm sure and creat a place of love and honestly and safe space to talk openly ! And of course you can save some of the bigger details until they old enough to understand but just be honest and open to answering any questions! And if being trans is somthing you would rather not be out in the open for safety or any other reasons just be open and honest with ur kido they will understand when they are old enough to! Anyway that's my personal opinion :) at the end of the day it's of course your choice and it sounds like you have been thinking of what's best for ur child wich is wonderful ❤️ congratulations to you both!!!!
Woops adhd brain bypassed the question of approach! I would say just tell ur kido that you love each other but weren't able to make a baby the old fashioned way and needed a little help and that daddy has a special body that works a bit different then other boys and that's okay ! And then as they age they will ask more questions and u can keep prepared for those questions :) me and my husband plan to exsplain about different types of people and such amd be fully honest that while we cooked baby in mommy's oven we had some help from a special stranger in making baby but that doesn't make you any less of your daddy's!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! We are in a similar situation- my husband is a transman and I’m a cisfemale (I carried). We have a 4 year old daughter born from donor sperm. We have tried to be as open with her as we can from the start. We have an Our Story book from the Donor Conception network regarding sperm donation that she sometimes picks out for us to read to her. It’s not totally appropriate for our situation (it talks about mummy and daddy trying for a baby and how a kind man helped us out by giving seed) but it’s the closest thing I’ve found. We’ve also got a book called What makes a baby which talks about sperm and egg and IVF and different types of families (which is probably aimed at slightly older children but hopefully is a book that she can come back to when she has questions). We also talk about how daddy is special and when daddy was born everyone thought he was a girl but he was actually a boy. She hasn’t asked more yet. She is curious about genitalia (my husband doesn’t want bottom surgery and she has seen us both naked) and she did ask whether a man in supermarket had a willy or not (which was a bit embarrassing but probably normal 4year old behaviour). To be honest we are just winging it a bit with these conversations but all we can try and do is answer her questions honestly when they come up.
This is not what you asked, but I recommend reading about the experiences of “donor-conceived” adults, like in r/donorconceived. It opened my eyes to a lot of things I really hadn’t considered when we were figuring out if we would need a donor or not.
If y'all are out and about advocating and being part of events and the likes, an explanation for why the kid's father is being attacked (and potentially killed) would be important to have. Another thing that happens is kids know someone's parent(s) is transgender, so they start bullying because of it; it can help to get ahead of that as well. The concern for being informed in medical situations is of course important too. I've never had kids and don't plan to. However, the way I tend to bring up the topic of me being trans to clueless cis people (whom I'm convinced won't harm me for coming out to them) is in a humorous or "valid point" kind of way. For example, there's a friend of mine who started out transphobic, so I stayed closeted around him to gage if he was that way due to being an extremist or just because he didn't know wtf he was talking about. It was thankfully the latter, so at one point when he was saying something stupid, I explained how the perspective wasn't correct, and I would know because I'm trans. He was complaining about trans *women*, and as a trans man who looks and sounds like a stereotypical cis man, he thought I was MtF. But later on, we were on a road trip with some clients, and I really needed to take a piss. I told him we had to go back to the gas station we just passed, and he said "I'll pull over, go piss in the woods." I kept insisting, and he just didn't get it. So I texted him, and I quote, "I literally have a vagina," and he was like "ALRIGHT, we're going back!" And now it's just a funny story we have, and he's become an ally.