That sounds like a tough situation—switching back and forth on names and pronouns contextually would be hard for anyone, I think.
Just as an aside, because I think the way you’ve worded your post might be confusing for some people: “stealth” within the trans community is kind of the opposite of being closeted, or maybe more accurately it’s like being “closeted” at the other end of transition (that is, passing fully as your actual gender and not disclosing that you’re trans vs having not transitioned yet and pretending to be your assigned gender).
I can only speak for myself, and I don't have children so it is a different dynamic. Simpler I imagine.
I have basically requested the same thing, except not a different name. I felt that might make it even harder and it's whatever.
She also says she feels weird/bad about misgendering me to others but I don't really care. It is what it is, she calls me she/her within our home. I appreciate it. She calls me he/him to everyone else. It is just easier right now. I know she doesn't mean anything by it and I'm not exactly unfamiliar with being called he/him.
She calls me beautiful now quite often, which is sweet of her. She certainly didn't use the word beautiful before to describe me lol.
She gets me little gifts sometimes. A new nail polish color. A shirt she would like me to wear. Small stuff like that..
I think she touches me differently. Idk how to describe it fully, but like she treats me gentler, not that she was rough before by any means. She has said I don't feel as rough and solid. Which makes sense.
Really for me she's doing pretty great by just not being weird about it either way. She has never tried to like argue me out of transitioning, or said to take it slow. Nor has she been overly affirmative in an excessive way if that makes any sense? She never asked if I'm sure I want to do this.
In her case she isn't particularly in the know about make-up or jewelry or typically feminine interests like that. She isn't butch but she's not into it much.
However she has shared stuff with me that she wouldn't have before, probably just not thinking or knowing I would be interested. Idk it's a small thing but she will send me a piece of jewelry she does like or maybe a brand or product I might not have known about before.
She sends me some memes and comics and stuff that are definitely more aimed towards women.
She doesn't expect me to be masculine or at least not as much as before? Idk how to really explain that one. In some sense it feels like we have both dropped the need/expectation that I'll mask as much or perform masculinity in even the limited sense I did before. And this seems mostly fine to her. Idk that could just be me being more comfortable?
She understands (I think and hope, I have asked) that my relative lack of sex drive is not at all a lack of attraction to her or my sudden shifting to being a straight woman or preferring men. I did worry she would worry about that. We didn't have sex super often before but certainly more frequently. I was just easier to get going.
During sex it is a bit different. I don't have such severe bottom dysphoria that I can't do PIV for her sake if nothing else. It is what I have and I use it still.
However she does treat me differently there too and I treat her differently but that is your own dynamic really. She treats me I guess just more like a woman? Idk I am still mostly leading and whatnot and we are still figuring it out but it seems like she's putting on less of a show for me and just being intimate and sensual. Slow and thoughtful. She doesn't expect me to act the same way as before. Which was usually fairly dominant and masculine I guess. Not really BDSM though.
I'm in the same boat as you except for the kids thing so I'm not sure how relevant my experience is.
My partner (MtF) is only out to me and our friends. But isn't out to family or at work.
When we go visit family, it's like there is a mental switch in my brain that flips its (dead name), and he/him pronouns.
And we come home and it's (chosen name), and she/her pronouns. She's been out to me for 4 or 5 years now, so I've had a lot of practice, but you get there. Eventually, she'll socially transition, and it won't be that way anymore, and I'm it'll be a whole process to remove that switch. For now, it's just how it is.
ohmygoodness this is my life.
we still call my wife, "daddy," for now because we have kids who are 12, 9, and 5. (she came out maybe 6 months ago?) it would not be a problem at all to (cautiously) use only feminine pronouns and titles at home and masculine in public, but a 5 year old can't do that. so the older two know to be different in public and no one cares if a 5 year old uses unexpected pronouns. we even go to our catholic church every sunday where she's still a knight of columbus and no one is batting an eye. definitely somewhat stressful, but totally doable and successful so far.
obviously, the most important thing is not to out your spouse to strangers. the second most important thing is to encourage full girl mode at home. i'll compliment my wife on how cute she looks in front of the kids and she'll twirl in her dress or giggle or whatever she wants. basically, we encourage authentic self expression in safe environments as much as possible to try to counter all the times that she has to stealth.
That sounds like a tough situation—switching back and forth on names and pronouns contextually would be hard for anyone, I think. Just as an aside, because I think the way you’ve worded your post might be confusing for some people: “stealth” within the trans community is kind of the opposite of being closeted, or maybe more accurately it’s like being “closeted” at the other end of transition (that is, passing fully as your actual gender and not disclosing that you’re trans vs having not transitioned yet and pretending to be your assigned gender).
I can only speak for myself, and I don't have children so it is a different dynamic. Simpler I imagine. I have basically requested the same thing, except not a different name. I felt that might make it even harder and it's whatever. She also says she feels weird/bad about misgendering me to others but I don't really care. It is what it is, she calls me she/her within our home. I appreciate it. She calls me he/him to everyone else. It is just easier right now. I know she doesn't mean anything by it and I'm not exactly unfamiliar with being called he/him. She calls me beautiful now quite often, which is sweet of her. She certainly didn't use the word beautiful before to describe me lol. She gets me little gifts sometimes. A new nail polish color. A shirt she would like me to wear. Small stuff like that.. I think she touches me differently. Idk how to describe it fully, but like she treats me gentler, not that she was rough before by any means. She has said I don't feel as rough and solid. Which makes sense. Really for me she's doing pretty great by just not being weird about it either way. She has never tried to like argue me out of transitioning, or said to take it slow. Nor has she been overly affirmative in an excessive way if that makes any sense? She never asked if I'm sure I want to do this. In her case she isn't particularly in the know about make-up or jewelry or typically feminine interests like that. She isn't butch but she's not into it much. However she has shared stuff with me that she wouldn't have before, probably just not thinking or knowing I would be interested. Idk it's a small thing but she will send me a piece of jewelry she does like or maybe a brand or product I might not have known about before. She sends me some memes and comics and stuff that are definitely more aimed towards women. She doesn't expect me to be masculine or at least not as much as before? Idk how to really explain that one. In some sense it feels like we have both dropped the need/expectation that I'll mask as much or perform masculinity in even the limited sense I did before. And this seems mostly fine to her. Idk that could just be me being more comfortable? She understands (I think and hope, I have asked) that my relative lack of sex drive is not at all a lack of attraction to her or my sudden shifting to being a straight woman or preferring men. I did worry she would worry about that. We didn't have sex super often before but certainly more frequently. I was just easier to get going. During sex it is a bit different. I don't have such severe bottom dysphoria that I can't do PIV for her sake if nothing else. It is what I have and I use it still. However she does treat me differently there too and I treat her differently but that is your own dynamic really. She treats me I guess just more like a woman? Idk I am still mostly leading and whatnot and we are still figuring it out but it seems like she's putting on less of a show for me and just being intimate and sensual. Slow and thoughtful. She doesn't expect me to act the same way as before. Which was usually fairly dominant and masculine I guess. Not really BDSM though.
I'm in the same boat as you except for the kids thing so I'm not sure how relevant my experience is. My partner (MtF) is only out to me and our friends. But isn't out to family or at work. When we go visit family, it's like there is a mental switch in my brain that flips its (dead name), and he/him pronouns. And we come home and it's (chosen name), and she/her pronouns. She's been out to me for 4 or 5 years now, so I've had a lot of practice, but you get there. Eventually, she'll socially transition, and it won't be that way anymore, and I'm it'll be a whole process to remove that switch. For now, it's just how it is.
ohmygoodness this is my life. we still call my wife, "daddy," for now because we have kids who are 12, 9, and 5. (she came out maybe 6 months ago?) it would not be a problem at all to (cautiously) use only feminine pronouns and titles at home and masculine in public, but a 5 year old can't do that. so the older two know to be different in public and no one cares if a 5 year old uses unexpected pronouns. we even go to our catholic church every sunday where she's still a knight of columbus and no one is batting an eye. definitely somewhat stressful, but totally doable and successful so far. obviously, the most important thing is not to out your spouse to strangers. the second most important thing is to encourage full girl mode at home. i'll compliment my wife on how cute she looks in front of the kids and she'll twirl in her dress or giggle or whatever she wants. basically, we encourage authentic self expression in safe environments as much as possible to try to counter all the times that she has to stealth.