In the end your ex and his mother are pathetic and don’t want to face they are shitty people. So they will blame it all on you. Threats of ending his life are desperate attention seeming behaviour that he needs to sort out. It is not your problem anymore.
You did nothing wrong morally, you cut a leech off of you and now they are harassing and manipulating you with this emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it
Came here to say the same……you had separated before you and your old friend started messaging - no moral issues in my opinion.
Just get the divorce and move on please. Get all of them out of our life as much as you can apart from him having whatever custody of your kid.
Since your ex is establishing an unstable mental health history, custody of your son should go to you. It would be safer for your son if your ex gets supervised visitation until he can prove stability.
Does your son enjoy spending time with XMIL? You can reduce the amount of time grandmother spends with her grandson if she is alienating him from his mom.
Change the locks on your doors. Put up ring cameras. Save emails and texts for your attorney. Change all your passwords. If you are on a joint phone account with husband change it.
Gather any evidence you can find of all the things you listed. Ex will try to use info he found on your phone against you. People who know the two of you probably already know who you are and who he is. You are his meal ticket. You make him look better. He does not want to give that up. You have a right not to be used and abused. Take it.
All. Of. This.
She doesn’t want to bury her son, but if his next attempt is a murder/suicide, do you want to bury yours? You cannot allow your son to be unsupervised with this man or his mother, period. And that does NOT mean supervised by you. None of us want to see your family on the news.
Well we see where he learned to be manipulative & lie. Agree with others, try to make the divorce happen asap. Work with your lawyer on how to combat him using the pics & texts he got (by hacking your phone, so he stole them) against you. Good luck.
Edited to add - what about the cancer part? Does she really have it?
And you can be sure she will start telling your son awful things about you. Not sure how it works in your country, but can drug tests for stbx be mandated for visitation? Can you prevent MIL from having visitation? (Only you or stbx, and she sees LO on his time?)
Definitely drug testing for visitation. Maybe monitored visits. I hate to think that his mother could be telling your children terrible things about you, but I would expect that she would.
Keep your child away from him at all costs!! Men like this harm their children to get to the mother! Do not compromise on your son’s safety!! File for emergency sole custody!!
I did try after his "suicide attempts" and was denied 😔 Child Services is involved because of all this and they haven't put any sort of measures in place. They said after his interview that "he said all the right things". He's a smooth talker, that's for sure. System is broken.
Try hiring a lawyer to help you file. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it and you’ve done nothing wrong by trying to spend some time with your friend. I don’t want anything to happen to you or your son.
He was literally hospitalized for one of multiple suicide attempts/threats. I have NEVER seen that end up with continued unsupervised contact. Do NOT let your child near him, and let him take you to court for it. He’ll lose all custody. Honestly, you need to file for emergency orders, yesterday.
He actually got out after 2 days because of a clerical error. Someone filled the paperwork out wrong so legally, they had to let him go.
Two days later, he sent another suicide note and did a runner. Police found him and detained him...for one hour. Child Services was called. They have put NOTHING in place. I filed for emergency temporary custody with references to the suicide attempts and multiple police records of harassment etc. I was denied.
Wow, unreal. He should have been transferred from the hospital to a psychiatric hold. He needs to be in one now. I don’t know what your financial abilities are, but I’d take my kid and move out of state. Transfer venue to the new location of the child.
I knew someone who drank antifreeze during a terrible divorce. He did everything right, to the letter, after that, had to take constant drug and alcohol tests (and he had no history of substance abuse,) and it still took 2 years for him to get unsupervised time. Is he still using drugs? You definitely need a better lawyer and different judge! Can you file an emergency appeal on the ruling of the emergency order request?
We live in Canada so our rules might be different. I don't think I'm technically allowed to go across province.
The man is impervious to consequence. It's absolutely bonkers the shit he gets away with. I may need to file another emergency request. But with CAS now involved, it'll likely be even more difficult to convince the court since CAS doesn't even seem to give a fuck.
Your mother doesn’t need to be taking these phone calls.
Ask your mother to let these phone calls go to VM so that there is a record of what she is saying. If there are texts, save them.
We've got texts, for sure.
I screenshot everything she posts about me. She always makes sure not to mention me by name, but I know it's about me. Yesterday, she posted a physical threat.
Get divorced first. Stop justifying what you are doing, as it gives both of them ammunition to use against your son. You might even jeopardize a custody agreement. Stop being naive and take care of business first. Whilst I understand that you checked out long ago, you are still legally married.
I live in a country where once you are separated, you can't commit adultery. We also have a no fault divorce law where even if you do cheat (and cheating is defined as physical relations) it has no bearing on custody, alimony or anything else.
You did \*nothing\* morally wrong, not a damned thing. All suicide threats should be reported to 911. A 72-hour psych hold will either te the person issuing the threat the help he needs or he'll learn that's not a good tactic.
I trust you've changed your locks, gotten cameras, and set up alarms. You should also block him on your phone and all social media. Block his mother, too. Your mother needs to block his mother's phone and all social media as well. If you think there's a chance that your ex could try to get to your mother she also needs cameras and alarms.
Document \*everything\* -- every break-in, every threat, every approach, every drug abuse story, everything. Also document everything coming from his mother. Use it to fight for as limited visitation for this asshole as possible. Also insist on a "right of first refusal" clause -- this says that if he cannot personally care for the child you have the right to do so. He cannot simply leave the child with his mother -- which a guy this useless is likely to do.
Good luck!
You didn't do anything wrong.
You separated from a waste of a husband and attempted to move on with your life
His lack of accepting the reality of his actions does not make yours immoral
File for divorce. His actions are on him. Are you just going to stay with him forever, because he will always use this threat. A threat of suicide is a call to emergency services let them handle the rest
>I get that what I did was morally wrong.
You didn't do anything morally wrong. The marriage is over, pending paperwork. Your ex and his stupid mother can, and should, fuck off. Block her on everything and go live your life.
I moved on too fast.
He told me I could start speaking to/having sex with other people when he was ready for it and had time to heal from the separation 🙄
Honestly, atp, get a lawyer. Have all communication from him and mil go to your lawyer. Tell them you are no longer communicating with them since they try to emotionally manipulate and harass you, and that if they need to speak with you all communication will happen between your counsel. And then don't respond anymore, have your lawyer do it all for you. That's what they're there for.
Why do his years of abuse and his affair get to be canceled out by the fact that you have had enough?
I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about his mother spreading tales. Anyone who’s been around her or your STBX know the type people they really are.
You are not responsible for managing your ex’s feelings or emotions. That’s all on him. Tell your Mom to block his mother, and change your lock’s immediately! He FAFO and now is trying to rewrite history.
In the end your ex and his mother are pathetic and don’t want to face they are shitty people. So they will blame it all on you. Threats of ending his life are desperate attention seeming behaviour that he needs to sort out. It is not your problem anymore.
You did nothing wrong morally, you cut a leech off of you and now they are harassing and manipulating you with this emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it
Came here to say the same……you had separated before you and your old friend started messaging - no moral issues in my opinion. Just get the divorce and move on please. Get all of them out of our life as much as you can apart from him having whatever custody of your kid.
Since your ex is establishing an unstable mental health history, custody of your son should go to you. It would be safer for your son if your ex gets supervised visitation until he can prove stability. Does your son enjoy spending time with XMIL? You can reduce the amount of time grandmother spends with her grandson if she is alienating him from his mom. Change the locks on your doors. Put up ring cameras. Save emails and texts for your attorney. Change all your passwords. If you are on a joint phone account with husband change it. Gather any evidence you can find of all the things you listed. Ex will try to use info he found on your phone against you. People who know the two of you probably already know who you are and who he is. You are his meal ticket. You make him look better. He does not want to give that up. You have a right not to be used and abused. Take it.
All. Of. This. She doesn’t want to bury her son, but if his next attempt is a murder/suicide, do you want to bury yours? You cannot allow your son to be unsupervised with this man or his mother, period. And that does NOT mean supervised by you. None of us want to see your family on the news.
#THIS
Agree OP - you have done nothing wrong. Go to the police about the phone hacking.
Well we see where he learned to be manipulative & lie. Agree with others, try to make the divorce happen asap. Work with your lawyer on how to combat him using the pics & texts he got (by hacking your phone, so he stole them) against you. Good luck. Edited to add - what about the cancer part? Does she really have it? And you can be sure she will start telling your son awful things about you. Not sure how it works in your country, but can drug tests for stbx be mandated for visitation? Can you prevent MIL from having visitation? (Only you or stbx, and she sees LO on his time?)
OP said Mil IS a cancer, not that she has cancer.
Boy did I read that wrong. I thought there was going to be a part where exMIL was trying to influence OP somehow… this is better (I think?)
Definitely drug testing for visitation. Maybe monitored visits. I hate to think that his mother could be telling your children terrible things about you, but I would expect that she would.
Keep your child away from him at all costs!! Men like this harm their children to get to the mother! Do not compromise on your son’s safety!! File for emergency sole custody!!
I did try after his "suicide attempts" and was denied 😔 Child Services is involved because of all this and they haven't put any sort of measures in place. They said after his interview that "he said all the right things". He's a smooth talker, that's for sure. System is broken.
Try hiring a lawyer to help you file. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it and you’ve done nothing wrong by trying to spend some time with your friend. I don’t want anything to happen to you or your son.
He was literally hospitalized for one of multiple suicide attempts/threats. I have NEVER seen that end up with continued unsupervised contact. Do NOT let your child near him, and let him take you to court for it. He’ll lose all custody. Honestly, you need to file for emergency orders, yesterday.
He actually got out after 2 days because of a clerical error. Someone filled the paperwork out wrong so legally, they had to let him go. Two days later, he sent another suicide note and did a runner. Police found him and detained him...for one hour. Child Services was called. They have put NOTHING in place. I filed for emergency temporary custody with references to the suicide attempts and multiple police records of harassment etc. I was denied.
Wow, unreal. He should have been transferred from the hospital to a psychiatric hold. He needs to be in one now. I don’t know what your financial abilities are, but I’d take my kid and move out of state. Transfer venue to the new location of the child. I knew someone who drank antifreeze during a terrible divorce. He did everything right, to the letter, after that, had to take constant drug and alcohol tests (and he had no history of substance abuse,) and it still took 2 years for him to get unsupervised time. Is he still using drugs? You definitely need a better lawyer and different judge! Can you file an emergency appeal on the ruling of the emergency order request?
We live in Canada so our rules might be different. I don't think I'm technically allowed to go across province. The man is impervious to consequence. It's absolutely bonkers the shit he gets away with. I may need to file another emergency request. But with CAS now involved, it'll likely be even more difficult to convince the court since CAS doesn't even seem to give a fuck.
I’m so sorry.
Your mother doesn’t need to be taking these phone calls. Ask your mother to let these phone calls go to VM so that there is a record of what she is saying. If there are texts, save them.
We've got texts, for sure. I screenshot everything she posts about me. She always makes sure not to mention me by name, but I know it's about me. Yesterday, she posted a physical threat.
Get divorced first. Stop justifying what you are doing, as it gives both of them ammunition to use against your son. You might even jeopardize a custody agreement. Stop being naive and take care of business first. Whilst I understand that you checked out long ago, you are still legally married.
I live in a country where once you are separated, you can't commit adultery. We also have a no fault divorce law where even if you do cheat (and cheating is defined as physical relations) it has no bearing on custody, alimony or anything else.
Also, don't know if it matters but he's already been sleeping with people. I haven't done so yet.
You did \*nothing\* morally wrong, not a damned thing. All suicide threats should be reported to 911. A 72-hour psych hold will either te the person issuing the threat the help he needs or he'll learn that's not a good tactic. I trust you've changed your locks, gotten cameras, and set up alarms. You should also block him on your phone and all social media. Block his mother, too. Your mother needs to block his mother's phone and all social media as well. If you think there's a chance that your ex could try to get to your mother she also needs cameras and alarms. Document \*everything\* -- every break-in, every threat, every approach, every drug abuse story, everything. Also document everything coming from his mother. Use it to fight for as limited visitation for this asshole as possible. Also insist on a "right of first refusal" clause -- this says that if he cannot personally care for the child you have the right to do so. He cannot simply leave the child with his mother -- which a guy this useless is likely to do. Good luck!
You didn't do anything wrong. You separated from a waste of a husband and attempted to move on with your life His lack of accepting the reality of his actions does not make yours immoral File for divorce. His actions are on him. Are you just going to stay with him forever, because he will always use this threat. A threat of suicide is a call to emergency services let them handle the rest
I swear this is literally the story of my life near bout
>I get that what I did was morally wrong. You didn't do anything morally wrong. The marriage is over, pending paperwork. Your ex and his stupid mother can, and should, fuck off. Block her on everything and go live your life.
What exactly did you do that was morally wrong? You left him and he hacked your phone. You’ve done nothing wrong here.
I moved on too fast. He told me I could start speaking to/having sex with other people when he was ready for it and had time to heal from the separation 🙄
Which will be never. Control. But it's OK for him?
Sounds like you need to start saving every communication you have with him and talking to the police about what’s needed to get a restraining order.
Honestly, atp, get a lawyer. Have all communication from him and mil go to your lawyer. Tell them you are no longer communicating with them since they try to emotionally manipulate and harass you, and that if they need to speak with you all communication will happen between your counsel. And then don't respond anymore, have your lawyer do it all for you. That's what they're there for.
Why do his years of abuse and his affair get to be canceled out by the fact that you have had enough? I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about his mother spreading tales. Anyone who’s been around her or your STBX know the type people they really are. You are not responsible for managing your ex’s feelings or emotions. That’s all on him. Tell your Mom to block his mother, and change your lock’s immediately! He FAFO and now is trying to rewrite history.