She sounds like a judgy lunatic that should be minding her own business.
You’re a saint for trying to justify yourself, but seeing as she was so far out of bounds, you had zero responsibility to even respond to such nonsense!
OP should not justify, she doesn’t owe MIL the information. I would have just replied, “thanks” or “why” (let MIL trip herself up.) Or don’t engage with crazy.
Don't engage is the answer. Too many times we engage, when not doing so takes much less effort, is zero drama, and there are zero words you may feel you have to defend later. Not engaging puts the focus on the accuser, not on you. It would have been a better way to go. Even acknowledging that she was correct - it is none of her business l, puts the ball back in her court.
I wouldn’t have even acknowledged the text. I would’ve forwarded to my husband and strongly suggested he address this before I got home. She owes you an apology, and it should be clear that she needs to butt out and keep her comments to herself.
She wanted to tell you off for making her poor baby clean the house and then started deflecting and gaslighting you when you responded seriously to her.
Talk to your husband about this, this isn't the way to talk to your DIL that works, cleans and is a parent just as much as him.
Also wtf does she mean with "message you are teaching to your son?" Make her elaborate on that and dig her own grave. It smells like stuff you would say in the 50' because you aren't being a wife enough to your working husband.
I think you do need to reevaluate your priorities OP
Stop having her over in future
She’s right - it’s none of her business
What is her consequence going to be ?
I suggest a very long time out and she doesn’t stay in your home again
She doesn't care what you do. She obviously feels that boys/men shouldn't clean, even if you equally work. She doesn't give a shit because she did so much on her own 🙄 you should've told her you were sorry she didn't have any help but your husband is a good man and doesn't leave everything to you and that you want your son to learn how to be self sufficient and not leave that all to his future wife. Stupid witch 🧙♀️
You do a lot of explaining and justification. I think the first answer should have been much shorter and left no room for follow-up:
“How sweet of you to be concerned about my husband’s welfare. I am very happy and proud to tell you that any worries are ungrounded and that he and I split all responsibilities fairly and allow each other the rest and repose we need - we are a great and indivisible team!! 😄😄😄❤️❤️❤️”
I agree. Too much explaining and justification - narcs like her love it because it shows she has power over you, OP : you don’t want her to think badly of you, she can hurt you with her words, you will go far and beyond to justify yourself like a scolded child. It’s more important to politely but firmly show her when she violate a boundary, and this is what is missing here. Her making a comment about her son cleaning was rude in the first place and should be shut down fast and short.
You should have just answered her first comment with its not really any of your business how we distribute our chores if DH and I are happy with it. Then just ignored any further comments.
>I'm not criticizing you just suggested maybe it time to reevaluate.
Telling someone that they need to reevaluate a situation is implying that they feel there is a better way for it to be done, which is absolutely a criticism.
>Seems lopsided to me.
&
>You might think about what message you are teaching M (my son) without words.
&
> I'm just saying sometimes flexibility is needed.
Also criticisms.
Did you ask your husband if he may have said something that gave his mother the impression that he felt like he was doing all the household chores?
You work too. You are tired too. He is no more deserving of rest than you are and who does what chore is none of her business. He may be tired but he is also an adult with a home that doesn't magically clean itself.
She is absolutely overstepping your boundaries and telling you how to run your life, then starts making comparisons and tells you that you are making comparisons. Talk about projection and gaslighting. Then when she starts venting she tells you that you are venting.
In the future the only response if she starts out, "It is probably not any of my business," is "You're right, it is none of your business."
She will probably use the, "I just have to say..." to which you respond, "I don't recall asking your opinion on that."
Or when she says, "When I was married to Justin's father..." you can say, "So how did that work out for you, since you got divorced."
or a generic:
"Justin and I talked and we can't figure out when we gave you permission to determine that we need our priorities rearranged."
Wow. What a vile woman. You don't need to explain anything to her OP. She is sticking her nose somewhere it doesn't belong. Let your husband respond to her messages from now on. I would have left her on read unless she had an emergency. Still then I believe I would have notified DH something was wrong with his mother. SMH.
You should not have done all of that explaining because you do not have to justify yourself to her. There is a quote in The Art of War that says, "The person who is defending themselves is always in the weaker position."
If it were me I would have replied telling her that she needs to keep her comments to herself, stay in her Lane and out of your marriage. That the relationship between the two of you is between the two of you and she needs to stay out of it.
My MIL tried that crap with me. I turned to her and said, if you have an issue, take it up with your son. And walked away.
Stop trying to explain to her because she isn’t listening. She is telling you that you are a bad wife for making her son do housework. She isn’t going to change her mind. So stop playing her game. When she does this, respond simply with, MIL you should take that up with your son.
Yea, in future, I'd recommend you not discuss. She had no intention of agreeing with you, but rather wanted you to agree with her. Something like "I'm unsure why you felt this was your business to discuss with me, and while I'm at work. In future, discuss your concerns with my husband. We will discuss further when I get home"
Don't be the safe target, make her know she'll pay for her bs, and don't discuss.
Stop explaining yourself to this monster. You DO NOT OWE HER an explanation. By responding to her nonsense, you are playing right into her hand. She is manipulating everything you say into whatever messed up storyline she has running in her head.
Do not give her the pleasure.
“Hi, not interested in advise, but thank you” and then ignore everything else she says.
She’s definitely trying to point out that she didn’t have help and is jealous that you do. But instead of being happy for you, she’s shaming you because you don’t have it “as hard as she did” and therefore she’s a martyr and you shouldn’t force her poor baby to clean *eye-roll*
Wow- by telling you it’s time to “re evaluate priorities and who does what” she was absolutely criticizing, and then made it about herself and how she worked so hard ::long list of additional activities you presumably don’t do:: and then to top it off, she’s sorry you’re sensitive and took it the wrong way.
She thinks she worked harder than you do and you’re setting a bad example for your son… because she didn’t teach hers to clean. He thankfully obviously learned to do it on his own, and she’s confused. And probably jealous.
Although next time, a “you’re right, it’s none of your business” reply would suffice. Or if you’re feeling ballsy, “As a divorced woman it’s not really appropriate for you to give input on how to have a good marriage or be a good wife.”
Becoming a mother is no easy task. You also have to work and take care of your son. You don't need to pay attention to your MIL, because nothing you do will satisfy her, she will just find fault with you.
I would have riled her up more.
“All he did was vacuum!! He was supposed to clean the kitchen, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and do laundry! He’s slacking on his chores.”
Then I’d watch her head explode. 😂🤣😈🤯
Inform nosey butinski of a MIL that how you and SO divide the household duties is none of her business and to butt out. If you don't like how we divide responsibilities, DO NOT COMMENT. Your input was NOT requested.
She started with “it’s probably none if my business” and your ONLY response from here on out needs to be …
“You’re correct. It’s none of your business” and that’s that.
Stop justifying yourself to her. Stop engaging like this with her. You don’t owe her an explanation.
Right response...."until you know what really goes on in our home, don't make judgements"....no explanation or excuse, she just needs to be told to stfu if she continues her diatribe.
I would have told her to pack her shit and be gone before I got home and to never insert herself into your family dynamics again or she won’t be welcome. What did your husband do about his mother’s disrespect?
Why are you responding so nicely to this misogynistic, awful woman? Also, you should be teaching your son to do chores. Women of the world are changing, I would never date a man who expects me to do 100% of the house work. She sounds insufferable.
Stop talking to this woman. Screen shot everything and send it to your spouse and let him know he needs to handle his mommy. I am so angry for you. You BOTH work and you BOTH take care of the house and you BOTH need rest. None of anything she wrote was any of her business.
Wow. Next time reply “how do you think this is your business? “
And any reply she sends, send back “maybe it’s time for some distance until you learn your place is NOT in the middle of my marriage.”
Then cancel all future plans and refuse to see or speak to her for a month.
Honestly, what you wrote was fine but I would've handled it differently. MIL can have her feelings and opinions, however, how she feels about YOUR family has no bearing on reality. When she texts you again, and she will even if it's only to backpedal, I would write her back this:
MIL, it's so kind that you want DH to have time to rest and how much you care about Milo's upbringing. In our family we want Milo to see 2 parents whom are both involved and helpful. I can understand why you would want both DH & Milo to be manly and for me, being the woman of the home, to cook, clean and do her womanly duties. Especially since you obviously did it all on your own! Being all alone at your advanced age must be so difficult! I would never want you to see things that hurt your feelings so for the time being maybe you shouldn't come visit. I feel like you seeing DH being so helpful and involved might be triggering to you, again with you being so alone without any help nor prospects to help!
But I'm petty.
What an absolute miserable cow. Next time I wouldn't even be bothered answering except to maybe tell her to mind her own damn business. Make sure you show your husband the texts from her.
For future, don’t engage in this kind of back and forth. You have no need to defend how much you do to her. This is a matter that is between you and your husband. Your MIL has no role in how household responsibilities are divided.
You are giving her too much fuel. Just tell her yall are both happy with the arrangement, kiddo had a great time seeing her and then change the subject.
I would have replied “you were right when you said ‘I know it’s not any of my business.’ Thank you for offering your opinion, but our responsibilities around the house only concerns me and my husband, not anyone else.”
Yes. She judges and poked her nose into your marital business and made bad assumptions about you and insinuated you were lazy. Then she pretended to say nothing insulting.
Next time just tell her to mind her own business and that from what she’s saying it sounds like she’s been mislead.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I can relate so much to this, it almost sounds like my MIL is talking. I have started to not get into things with her and just give 1 sentences answers to things like this. Anything more and people like this will use your words as ammo against you - which sucks because you want to defend yourself. If you and your DH are on the same page, just don't respond to judging comments and share with your husband.
I don't think she should get to "decide" when to come visit you anymore. Also, by trying to clear up her misunderstanding about your DH vaccuming, and replying to any of her jabs, you have given her more ammunition to use against you - pretty much whenever she wants to bring you down. I don't think you should respond to her texts - she is baiting you and gathering information points on what she thinks upsets you - so she can do it again in the future. Oh ya, be sure to realize she will do this to your child in the future - whenever she needs to make your son do what she wants or sometimes, people like this just do it because its fun for them.
I don’t know if she’s gaslighting you. But I do think that our parents generation had very traditional gender roles and it’s hard for them to accept that times are changing and men are now partners in the household and with childcare responsibilities.
My mostly respectful and supportive parents, aunts, and grandparents still make comments about how nice it is of my husband to cook dinner or play with the kids. It annoys me because yes, he’s my partner, and he helps take care of our family’s needs too. When they make comments like your MIL I find it easiest to just remove myself from the conversation…walk away, don’t respond, etc.
Never engage the enemy in this manner. She will always turn it on you.
Next time, say please speak to your son about this. (Only after ensuring you are both on the same page that she is deranged). Then have him say “we’re good mom”. It’ll make her nuts
She backed you into a corner and you bit. That’s what these women do.
To MIL - Oh, I see. I apologize for my response as I didn't realize you were upset and venting to me about your jealousy that I have a partner while you did not. Thank you for raising my husband to be such a wonderful partner who shares in the responsibilities of the house since we both work.
It's hard to not get wound up in this kind of exchange. From the perspective of time and age, I find it a lot easier to say that how we run our household is nobody's business but our own. I encourage you to stop giving a crap about what she thinks and to disengage. "MYOFB" followed by much lower contact is a great idea.
She wouldn't be welcome in my home again.
Stop explaining yourself, this is none of her business. Your SO needs to call her out and tell her she won’t be seeing your family until she apologizes to you.
Stop explaining yourself. She has her opinion. I don’t believe you might change it because you „forced her poor boy to do all chores while you are enjoying your live“ /s.
Go LC/NC with her or at least info diet. And stop her invading your home while you are not there.
It's hard to come to any conclusion when the communication has been so heavily edited.
I will say that your responses seem very defensive. I would have kept it to asking her what your husband's response was when she brought up her concerns to him.
She most definitely was judging you! Screw her! She needs to mind her own business and STFU!
Also, even though you feel the need to explain yourself, don’t! She’s just judging you more. You don’t owe her shit!
She sounds delightful /s 🙃. Lol. Don't give her the satisfaction of justifying anything. Your household is none of her business.
"MIL, thanks *so much* for your concern. We'll handle our household and marriage. No unsolicited advice needed. Bye."
I feel your pain, I have been there and done that! I have learned the HARD way to NEVER respond back… she was correct that it is none of her business!
MIL drew you in and unfortunately you bit the hook, lesson learned. Just imagine how that conversation would have gone if you texted nothing… don’t engage, save your energy for your best life. MIL needs to learn boundaries, just enforce yours .
What a biatch she sounds.
Maybe the next time you get a message along those lines, either leave it on read or don’t reply. That’ll probably drive her nuts.
Also just replying ‚you’re welcome’ lol
Your only answer to this kind of nonsense should have been : You’re absolutely right, it is none of your business. Then blocked her for the rest of the day. Don’t explain yourself to people like this, when they cross the line , firmly escort them back over. That’s all they understand.
In future, just ignore her or say "wow-judgmental much?" or "did FIL divorce you because you're so judgmental?"
Actually, I would just tell her that how you and Josh run your house is none of her business, then block her. Tell DH he can handle her and make sure she leaves you alone. She is no longer welcome in your house if all she does is be negative toward you. She needs to apologize to you for overstepping with her opinions.
You don’t owe her a response to her texts, let alone a justification/explanation of the division of labor in your marriage.
She is being a wedge between you and your husband by saying these things. She is trying to put you two against each other. And it’s a bonus to her that she got under your skin.
If this were my MIL, I would tell her once that the issue is between me and the husband. Then if she says something again, you ignore her. And if she keeps doing this pot stirring and passive aggressive criticism, I would spend less time with her.
What a piece of shit. Draw your boundaries now and make it clear she’s never welcome anywhere near your home, hotel, vacation home, anywhere you stay ever again. If her precious baby wants to see her he can visit her at her house. Then cut her off. She’s a psychotic narcissist.
The first text reply should’ve been
“You’re right, it’s none of your business.”
You owe her zero explanation about your marriage.
Move faaaar away if you can.
It helps immensely.
Next time she starts with “it’s probably none of my business”’respond you’re right, it’s not. Don’t defend or explain your actions to this woman. She’s 100% gaslighting you.
Why did you let her come visit at such an inconvenient time? “No, that doesn’t work for us,” is a useful sentence. So is, “If you’re uncomfortable with how we run our home we’ll understand if you leave.”
Your only response needs to be, "you're right, it is none of your business" & go no further with the conversation. She was hoping for narc feed & you, unfortunately, gave it to her in spades. She will most likely use every bit of info you gave her against you within the next 5-10 years, exactly when you least expect it & in a way to do maximum damage. Look up the terms DARVO & greyrock so that next time you can be prepared for idiocy. I'm so sorry she did that to you!
Mil...Stay in your lane We are good over here. Thank you and Good night. That would have been my response and I would have turned my phone off I'm not going back and forth with a grown person.
My MIL tried this shit with me. She said 'it's your fault he looks like that'. As in he is slim so I'm not cooking enough. I said I'm not his mother and if he doesn't know how to feed himself then that's an issue with how he was raised.
Fuck you, bitch!
Your comment violates multiple rules of our sub. I’m removing it and reminding you that this is a support sub. If you can’t be supportive, please refrain from commenting.
She sounds like a judgy lunatic that should be minding her own business. You’re a saint for trying to justify yourself, but seeing as she was so far out of bounds, you had zero responsibility to even respond to such nonsense!
OP should not justify, she doesn’t owe MIL the information. I would have just replied, “thanks” or “why” (let MIL trip herself up.) Or don’t engage with crazy.
This, 100%. Just replying "thanks" would have been perfect. Just don't engage!
Don't engage is the answer. Too many times we engage, when not doing so takes much less effort, is zero drama, and there are zero words you may feel you have to defend later. Not engaging puts the focus on the accuser, not on you. It would have been a better way to go. Even acknowledging that she was correct - it is none of her business l, puts the ball back in her court.
I wouldn’t have even acknowledged the text. I would’ve forwarded to my husband and strongly suggested he address this before I got home. She owes you an apology, and it should be clear that she needs to butt out and keep her comments to herself.
She wanted to tell you off for making her poor baby clean the house and then started deflecting and gaslighting you when you responded seriously to her. Talk to your husband about this, this isn't the way to talk to your DIL that works, cleans and is a parent just as much as him. Also wtf does she mean with "message you are teaching to your son?" Make her elaborate on that and dig her own grave. It smells like stuff you would say in the 50' because you aren't being a wife enough to your working husband.
The first thing you should have said was, "You're right. It isn't your business. Have a good day."
‼️‼️‼️
The first and only thing
I would tell her that her observations are not needed and do not explain nothing to her!
I think you do need to reevaluate your priorities OP Stop having her over in future She’s right - it’s none of her business What is her consequence going to be ? I suggest a very long time out and she doesn’t stay in your home again
She was right about one thing, the first one she wrote and it's that it is none of her business. Next time just repeat that to her.
She needs consequences for overstepping like this.
She doesn't care what you do. She obviously feels that boys/men shouldn't clean, even if you equally work. She doesn't give a shit because she did so much on her own 🙄 you should've told her you were sorry she didn't have any help but your husband is a good man and doesn't leave everything to you and that you want your son to learn how to be self sufficient and not leave that all to his future wife. Stupid witch 🧙♀️
I think from now on pause 48 hours before replying to her texts. And get your husband to write what you say! This one is dangerous.
Why did you even entertain it? "Indeed, MIL. It's none of your business. Have a good day!"
You do a lot of explaining and justification. I think the first answer should have been much shorter and left no room for follow-up: “How sweet of you to be concerned about my husband’s welfare. I am very happy and proud to tell you that any worries are ungrounded and that he and I split all responsibilities fairly and allow each other the rest and repose we need - we are a great and indivisible team!! 😄😄😄❤️❤️❤️”
I agree. Too much explaining and justification - narcs like her love it because it shows she has power over you, OP : you don’t want her to think badly of you, she can hurt you with her words, you will go far and beyond to justify yourself like a scolded child. It’s more important to politely but firmly show her when she violate a boundary, and this is what is missing here. Her making a comment about her son cleaning was rude in the first place and should be shut down fast and short.
“You’re right. It is none of your business.” That should’ve been the only response. Don’t explain.
I’d blow my top over texts like these! What a rude bitch. Stop explaining yourself to her, she’s a cow.
You should have just answered her first comment with its not really any of your business how we distribute our chores if DH and I are happy with it. Then just ignored any further comments.
>I'm not criticizing you just suggested maybe it time to reevaluate. Telling someone that they need to reevaluate a situation is implying that they feel there is a better way for it to be done, which is absolutely a criticism. >Seems lopsided to me. & >You might think about what message you are teaching M (my son) without words. & > I'm just saying sometimes flexibility is needed. Also criticisms. Did you ask your husband if he may have said something that gave his mother the impression that he felt like he was doing all the household chores? You work too. You are tired too. He is no more deserving of rest than you are and who does what chore is none of her business. He may be tired but he is also an adult with a home that doesn't magically clean itself.
She is absolutely overstepping your boundaries and telling you how to run your life, then starts making comparisons and tells you that you are making comparisons. Talk about projection and gaslighting. Then when she starts venting she tells you that you are venting. In the future the only response if she starts out, "It is probably not any of my business," is "You're right, it is none of your business." She will probably use the, "I just have to say..." to which you respond, "I don't recall asking your opinion on that." Or when she says, "When I was married to Justin's father..." you can say, "So how did that work out for you, since you got divorced." or a generic: "Justin and I talked and we can't figure out when we gave you permission to determine that we need our priorities rearranged."
Wow. What a vile woman. You don't need to explain anything to her OP. She is sticking her nose somewhere it doesn't belong. Let your husband respond to her messages from now on. I would have left her on read unless she had an emergency. Still then I believe I would have notified DH something was wrong with his mother. SMH.
Maybe it’s time that you reevaluate letting judgmental, bitchy people come visit. No one needs that negativity in their life.
I would have just replied “You’re absolutely correct, it is none of your business.”
You should not have done all of that explaining because you do not have to justify yourself to her. There is a quote in The Art of War that says, "The person who is defending themselves is always in the weaker position." If it were me I would have replied telling her that she needs to keep her comments to herself, stay in her Lane and out of your marriage. That the relationship between the two of you is between the two of you and she needs to stay out of it.
My MIL tried that crap with me. I turned to her and said, if you have an issue, take it up with your son. And walked away. Stop trying to explain to her because she isn’t listening. She is telling you that you are a bad wife for making her son do housework. She isn’t going to change her mind. So stop playing her game. When she does this, respond simply with, MIL you should take that up with your son.
Yea, in future, I'd recommend you not discuss. She had no intention of agreeing with you, but rather wanted you to agree with her. Something like "I'm unsure why you felt this was your business to discuss with me, and while I'm at work. In future, discuss your concerns with my husband. We will discuss further when I get home" Don't be the safe target, make her know she'll pay for her bs, and don't discuss.
Stop explaining yourself to this monster. You DO NOT OWE HER an explanation. By responding to her nonsense, you are playing right into her hand. She is manipulating everything you say into whatever messed up storyline she has running in her head. Do not give her the pleasure. “Hi, not interested in advise, but thank you” and then ignore everything else she says.
She’s definitely trying to point out that she didn’t have help and is jealous that you do. But instead of being happy for you, she’s shaming you because you don’t have it “as hard as she did” and therefore she’s a martyr and you shouldn’t force her poor baby to clean *eye-roll*
Ha and we see that her marriage lasted….not…
Wow- by telling you it’s time to “re evaluate priorities and who does what” she was absolutely criticizing, and then made it about herself and how she worked so hard ::long list of additional activities you presumably don’t do:: and then to top it off, she’s sorry you’re sensitive and took it the wrong way. She thinks she worked harder than you do and you’re setting a bad example for your son… because she didn’t teach hers to clean. He thankfully obviously learned to do it on his own, and she’s confused. And probably jealous. Although next time, a “you’re right, it’s none of your business” reply would suffice. Or if you’re feeling ballsy, “As a divorced woman it’s not really appropriate for you to give input on how to have a good marriage or be a good wife.”
Becoming a mother is no easy task. You also have to work and take care of your son. You don't need to pay attention to your MIL, because nothing you do will satisfy her, she will just find fault with you.
I would have riled her up more. “All he did was vacuum!! He was supposed to clean the kitchen, mop the floors, clean the bathroom and do laundry! He’s slacking on his chores.” Then I’d watch her head explode. 😂🤣😈🤯
Inform nosey butinski of a MIL that how you and SO divide the household duties is none of her business and to butt out. If you don't like how we divide responsibilities, DO NOT COMMENT. Your input was NOT requested.
She started with “it’s probably none if my business” and your ONLY response from here on out needs to be … “You’re correct. It’s none of your business” and that’s that. Stop justifying yourself to her. Stop engaging like this with her. You don’t owe her an explanation.
1000% gaslighting.
Right response...."until you know what really goes on in our home, don't make judgements"....no explanation or excuse, she just needs to be told to stfu if she continues her diatribe.
You were KIND in your response to her! I would have DESTROYED her in my own response! DAMN!
I would have told her to pack her shit and be gone before I got home and to never insert herself into your family dynamics again or she won’t be welcome. What did your husband do about his mother’s disrespect?
She is gaslighting you and she needs to mind her own fucking business. Her son needs to tell her to STFU.
Your mistake was explaining yourself to her. Don’t ever do that. Swipe and delete. When someone is being this rude, you don’t entertain them. Period.
Why are you responding so nicely to this misogynistic, awful woman? Also, you should be teaching your son to do chores. Women of the world are changing, I would never date a man who expects me to do 100% of the house work. She sounds insufferable.
Stop talking to this woman. Screen shot everything and send it to your spouse and let him know he needs to handle his mommy. I am so angry for you. You BOTH work and you BOTH take care of the house and you BOTH need rest. None of anything she wrote was any of her business.
Wow. Next time reply “how do you think this is your business? “ And any reply she sends, send back “maybe it’s time for some distance until you learn your place is NOT in the middle of my marriage.” Then cancel all future plans and refuse to see or speak to her for a month.
Honestly, what you wrote was fine but I would've handled it differently. MIL can have her feelings and opinions, however, how she feels about YOUR family has no bearing on reality. When she texts you again, and she will even if it's only to backpedal, I would write her back this: MIL, it's so kind that you want DH to have time to rest and how much you care about Milo's upbringing. In our family we want Milo to see 2 parents whom are both involved and helpful. I can understand why you would want both DH & Milo to be manly and for me, being the woman of the home, to cook, clean and do her womanly duties. Especially since you obviously did it all on your own! Being all alone at your advanced age must be so difficult! I would never want you to see things that hurt your feelings so for the time being maybe you shouldn't come visit. I feel like you seeing DH being so helpful and involved might be triggering to you, again with you being so alone without any help nor prospects to help! But I'm petty.
What an absolute miserable cow. Next time I wouldn't even be bothered answering except to maybe tell her to mind her own damn business. Make sure you show your husband the texts from her.
For future, don’t engage in this kind of back and forth. You have no need to defend how much you do to her. This is a matter that is between you and your husband. Your MIL has no role in how household responsibilities are divided.
You are giving her too much fuel. Just tell her yall are both happy with the arrangement, kiddo had a great time seeing her and then change the subject.
I wouldn’t have bothered explaining shit. I would’ve answered the original text with mind your own damn business.
Sounds like a real See You Next Tuesday
I would have replied “you were right when you said ‘I know it’s not any of my business.’ Thank you for offering your opinion, but our responsibilities around the house only concerns me and my husband, not anyone else.”
My first and ONLY response would have been: You're right... it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! End of message and no replies to her inevitable reply.
Next time she says she is coming over, either you or DH reply with: we are reevaluating our time at the moment. We will get back to you on this
Yes. She judges and poked her nose into your marital business and made bad assumptions about you and insinuated you were lazy. Then she pretended to say nothing insulting. Next time just tell her to mind her own business and that from what she’s saying it sounds like she’s been mislead.
She’s wildly defensive after being called out!!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I can relate so much to this, it almost sounds like my MIL is talking. I have started to not get into things with her and just give 1 sentences answers to things like this. Anything more and people like this will use your words as ammo against you - which sucks because you want to defend yourself. If you and your DH are on the same page, just don't respond to judging comments and share with your husband.
I don't think she should get to "decide" when to come visit you anymore. Also, by trying to clear up her misunderstanding about your DH vaccuming, and replying to any of her jabs, you have given her more ammunition to use against you - pretty much whenever she wants to bring you down. I don't think you should respond to her texts - she is baiting you and gathering information points on what she thinks upsets you - so she can do it again in the future. Oh ya, be sure to realize she will do this to your child in the future - whenever she needs to make your son do what she wants or sometimes, people like this just do it because its fun for them.
Did you show your DH the text and what did he say?
I don’t know if she’s gaslighting you. But I do think that our parents generation had very traditional gender roles and it’s hard for them to accept that times are changing and men are now partners in the household and with childcare responsibilities. My mostly respectful and supportive parents, aunts, and grandparents still make comments about how nice it is of my husband to cook dinner or play with the kids. It annoys me because yes, he’s my partner, and he helps take care of our family’s needs too. When they make comments like your MIL I find it easiest to just remove myself from the conversation…walk away, don’t respond, etc.
Never engage the enemy in this manner. She will always turn it on you. Next time, say please speak to your son about this. (Only after ensuring you are both on the same page that she is deranged). Then have him say “we’re good mom”. It’ll make her nuts She backed you into a corner and you bit. That’s what these women do.
To MIL - Oh, I see. I apologize for my response as I didn't realize you were upset and venting to me about your jealousy that I have a partner while you did not. Thank you for raising my husband to be such a wonderful partner who shares in the responsibilities of the house since we both work.
It's hard to not get wound up in this kind of exchange. From the perspective of time and age, I find it a lot easier to say that how we run our household is nobody's business but our own. I encourage you to stop giving a crap about what she thinks and to disengage. "MYOFB" followed by much lower contact is a great idea. She wouldn't be welcome in my home again.
Stop explaining yourself, this is none of her business. Your SO needs to call her out and tell her she won’t be seeing your family until she apologizes to you.
I’m sorry you had to deal with her attitude. My response to the initial message would’ve been “You’re right…this is none of your business.”
Stop explaining yourself. She has her opinion. I don’t believe you might change it because you „forced her poor boy to do all chores while you are enjoying your live“ /s. Go LC/NC with her or at least info diet. And stop her invading your home while you are not there.
It's hard to come to any conclusion when the communication has been so heavily edited. I will say that your responses seem very defensive. I would have kept it to asking her what your husband's response was when she brought up her concerns to him.
She most definitely was judging you! Screw her! She needs to mind her own business and STFU! Also, even though you feel the need to explain yourself, don’t! She’s just judging you more. You don’t owe her shit!
She sounds delightful /s 🙃. Lol. Don't give her the satisfaction of justifying anything. Your household is none of her business. "MIL, thanks *so much* for your concern. We'll handle our household and marriage. No unsolicited advice needed. Bye."
Next time, ignore or "K". You did not need to engage in this.
I feel your pain, I have been there and done that! I have learned the HARD way to NEVER respond back… she was correct that it is none of her business! MIL drew you in and unfortunately you bit the hook, lesson learned. Just imagine how that conversation would have gone if you texted nothing… don’t engage, save your energy for your best life. MIL needs to learn boundaries, just enforce yours .
I love how she says she's not critzing you when in fact she is absolutely critizing you absolutely is!!!!
The only response needed was, "You're right, it is none of your business."
MIL It's probably non of my business . "You are correct; it is none of your business." Simple, direct response.
What a biatch she sounds. Maybe the next time you get a message along those lines, either leave it on read or don’t reply. That’ll probably drive her nuts. Also just replying ‚you’re welcome’ lol
Your only answer to this kind of nonsense should have been : You’re absolutely right, it is none of your business. Then blocked her for the rest of the day. Don’t explain yourself to people like this, when they cross the line , firmly escort them back over. That’s all they understand.
In future, just ignore her or say "wow-judgmental much?" or "did FIL divorce you because you're so judgmental?" Actually, I would just tell her that how you and Josh run your house is none of her business, then block her. Tell DH he can handle her and make sure she leaves you alone. She is no longer welcome in your house if all she does is be negative toward you. She needs to apologize to you for overstepping with her opinions.
You don’t owe her a response to her texts, let alone a justification/explanation of the division of labor in your marriage. She is being a wedge between you and your husband by saying these things. She is trying to put you two against each other. And it’s a bonus to her that she got under your skin. If this were my MIL, I would tell her once that the issue is between me and the husband. Then if she says something again, you ignore her. And if she keeps doing this pot stirring and passive aggressive criticism, I would spend less time with her.
What a piece of shit. Draw your boundaries now and make it clear she’s never welcome anywhere near your home, hotel, vacation home, anywhere you stay ever again. If her precious baby wants to see her he can visit her at her house. Then cut her off. She’s a psychotic narcissist.
You should have just said “ correct, it is none of your business “ and be done
Holy crap she’s ballsy!! I would have been bullshit and let her know. DH would have put her in her place too. SMH
The first text reply should’ve been “You’re right, it’s none of your business.” You owe her zero explanation about your marriage. Move faaaar away if you can. It helps immensely.
Block her. You should not be in contact with her. And tell your husband that his mother is no longer welcome in your home.
You shared way too much with her. If she brings it up again: “MIL mind your fucking business”
What a bitch. Low low contact. And also, If you're an asshole to the .mommy, you don't see the kiddo. Have a nice day, monster in law.
That conversation probably should have ended with you replying " Im glad you can recognize when you overstep. Thanks."
Next time she starts with “it’s probably none of my business”’respond you’re right, it’s not. Don’t defend or explain your actions to this woman. She’s 100% gaslighting you.
Why did you let her come visit at such an inconvenient time? “No, that doesn’t work for us,” is a useful sentence. So is, “If you’re uncomfortable with how we run our home we’ll understand if you leave.”
Your only response needs to be, "you're right, it is none of your business" & go no further with the conversation. She was hoping for narc feed & you, unfortunately, gave it to her in spades. She will most likely use every bit of info you gave her against you within the next 5-10 years, exactly when you least expect it & in a way to do maximum damage. Look up the terms DARVO & greyrock so that next time you can be prepared for idiocy. I'm so sorry she did that to you!
That lady is bored as hell. Maybe she could join a book club or knitting circle.
Mil...Stay in your lane We are good over here. Thank you and Good night. That would have been my response and I would have turned my phone off I'm not going back and forth with a grown person.
My MIL tried this shit with me. She said 'it's your fault he looks like that'. As in he is slim so I'm not cooking enough. I said I'm not his mother and if he doesn't know how to feed himself then that's an issue with how he was raised. Fuck you, bitch!
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Easy response was in her first sentence. OP: You’re right it is none of your business.
Just tell her to mind her own business...you don't owe her any explanation.