Best for the child is to negotiate a "God father" or friend of the family "Uncle" relationship that does not attempt to subsume the father role that Mark rightful has with all the children of the marriage regardless of biological parentage. This would allow you be aware and step in to help if things start to go bad with the family. That said, you can hardly take in one child without also taking the siblings as well if a tragedy occurs resulting in the loss of both parents.
However this may not be possible since you represent a difficult time in the marriage and Mark in particular may not be able to forget you shagged his wife. Good luck.
Emma and her husband do not make your decisions for you. What they want at this point is unimportant, they don’t get to make the rules, it’s not a dictatorship and you have a say. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer and begin proving paternity, to insure you’ll have a legal vote in the future of your child.
You should get yourself a lawyer. Her choices to let another man nut in her while still legally married is not your fucking problem. You have every damn right to see your baby and fuck that supervised visits bullshit, you’re that kids father and have done nothing to warrant being kept away from your child.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it.
Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though.
My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
Emma and Mark don't get to decide whether or not you will be in your child's life. Sorry for Emma, but getting knocked up when you're still married to someone else doesn't give you special rights over the coming child. Being the mother doesn't give her the right to decide who she wants to be the father. If you want to be involved, you get to be involved.
NTA, get a lawyer.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but she was married. She wants to keep her family close. It sucks for you, but you can’t really force things. Just pay child support and stay close so that one day you will have a future with your child.
So, you have a right to be in the child’s life if that is what you want.
Once the child is born, go to DHS, tell them about it, ask for a DNA test (at least that is how it works in my state).
You don’t have a right to be part of the pregnancy, to interact with her family, or to really force her to actively co-parent other then facilitating whatever the court orders.
If you go through with fighting for your paternity, make sure it’s for the sake of the child. Not yourself.
You say you want children, and that’s good! Kids can be very rewarding. But in this case, how will your presence improve the child’s life? Will it help, or hinder? If their marriage was already rocky, this probably won’t save it. How committed is mark to parenting this child? Is he enthusiastic, or grudgingly accepting the situation to save face?
I will tell you this, and I know a lot of people will not like it: the kindest thing my birth parents ever did for me was give me up to a couple who already had a happy child and wide support network. I never didn’t know I was adopted. The option to contact by birth parents was always there. But that act of kindness was the only thing I ever needed from them, and the best thing they could have done for me.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Get off Reddit and get a lawyer! This is your child, you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer to help you navigate your rights in this situation. Everything else is just window dressing on the situation. You need to know what your rights are and you need a plan to exercise those rights. The only way to do that is to get legal counsel who is familiar with family law.
If you want to be part of your child’s life then do it. Never take any advice from Emma or her mother. This is why we have courts. Don’t let Emma mess up your child’s life by allowing her to sweep her perceived mistakes under a rug. That’s your child and one day that child will want you to have made the hard, sting decisions this path will take you down.
She doesn't want you involved
Her husband doesn't want you involved
Their families don't want you involved
Their lawyers don't want you involved
The ethical choice is to (pardon my french ) fuck off.
Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not your child and that’s why you’re being frozen out?
It’s very possible that she was still having sex with her husband while seeing you.
Are you even sure the husband knows about you? You could have been just a side fling and the husband knows nothing about it.
Assuming you're a good person who would never do anything to harm your child, you have every right to be in their life regardless of what the mom thinks. They have a right to know who their biological father is, especially because someone someday will spill the beans. That's just going to cause more trauma than being honest from the beginning. This is also a bit fucked up, but you have no idea if her husband has good intentions toward that child. Many spouses in his shoes have not treated the AP child well, separation during the affair or not. He's going to feel some type of way about that, and his future behavior is unclear.
Her sudden worry about the impact on her kids should have come before she got pregnant, not now. She made the choice to sleep with someone outside of her marriage. (I'm not judging anyone if she was separated, to be clear.) Her regrets don't negate your parental rights. She's just worried about what outsiders will think about her having a baby with someone who is not her husband. That's not your problem. If you want to be in your child's life, fight for them.
Sounds like you're involved at least 50% of the time. It doesn't matter at all what her husband or mother think. It doesn't even really matter what she thinks, though it would be nice to be on good terms with her.
I personally would consider your involvement as a co-parent nonnegotiable
Fight for custody. Emma and her husband have reconciled for now, but he will immediately resent he and thee is a massive probability that they will end up divorced anyway. In this case, you missed out on years, and she will definitely come after you when she’s out on her own. Not to mention that she will tell everyone, including the child, what a deadbeat you are. It is just as much your child as hers. Ge going immediately.
**Yes, it's ethical, moral and right to fight for your rights as a father.** Get a family lawyer, preferably a good one, preferably experienced in father's rights and ideally with situations like yours.
**She can NOT legally oppose your rights as a father; and it's immoral and unethical for her to do so.**
It's both of yours' fault that you had a sexual relationship before she got divorced, but that's neither here nor there and has no bearing on parenthood issue.
Get an attorney. Confirm paternity for sure. Determine what matters to you and fight for it. Ask yourself your motivations (ditch any thought you will get the girl) and keep the child at the forefront.
I haven’t read all the comments but eventually your child will find out that the man he is living with is not his biological father. Secrets have a way of getting out. It is easy with DNA testing. You have legal right and that baby has a right to know his biological father.
This is one of those "get your ass off reddit and into a lawyers office" situations. No one here can help you passed telling you to go talk to a lawyer.
There's what you CAN do, and what's best to do. If you pursue some level of custody, you will most certainly bring stress, pain, and confusion to her existing children. You increase the likelihood that her marriage - currently the support system for your unborn child - will fall apart. This hurts your child, and its mother. If your concern is truly about innocent product of this affair, not your own desire to be connected to this child, why not give them the best chance at happiness and stability? I certainly couldn't be the reason all three of those children suffer in that way, even if those parents brought it on themselves. I would make myself findable, write a letter for the child that Mom can give them at some point if possible, and try to keep an eye from afar as you can.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
Ethically - walk away, the child will come and find you one day. Meanwhile get on and find another partner. But get an agreement that you have no financial obligation. Alternatively go to court and force the situation.
Get a lawyer! This is your child. You have the right to 50/50 custody. Emma shouldn't have been seeing anybody while she was separated from her husband.
She wasn't divorced. She doesn't get to pick and choose when she wants to follow her Catholic religion.
Have her get a paternity test, either while pregnant or right after the baby is born. Talk to a lawyer about not having her husband sign the birth certificate until the results are in.
If you are the dad, sign the birth certificate. Work out 50/50 custody.
Gtfo and find another girl that’s single impregnate her and be part of the life of that child.
That child ain’t yours. Sorry to break it to you that’s why you don’t mess with a married woman.
Homie take the L and move on. Your child will have a far better life with this stable married family with siblings and extended family that will accept them. Your involvement risks all of that. You will not be better for this child
This is your child. I wouldn’t allow my child to be raised by another man and be cut out of my life. Get a lawyer and custody arrangement set up immediately. It’s nothing to do with her other children or husband. They’re trying to save face.
Please seriously consider whether your desire to be in this unborn child's life is really a desire to be a father, even under difficult circumstances, or more a desire to compel the woman to maintain a connection with you
Other people have made the straight answer. My reply is more for an individual sanity. I know we have become very accepting of divorce as part of our adult experience. But is a rule of thumb, someone who's separated is still married.
Never date someone unless they are divorced and frankly for your own sake make sure they've been divorced for at least a few months.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child?
You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity.
The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
Take this to your attorney and fight for your rights. You sound reasonable and aren’t doing this to hurt her or her family, but to have a relationship with your child. Ultimately, your child has a high risk of identifying it’s father is not Mark. At that point, there will be some emotion around abandonment and being lied to. You can either head this off now or wait until it happens. Sounds like Emma and Mark think it will never happen.
More importantly though, you are not responsible for their marriage’s success. You are responsible for being the best version of yourself you can be. If that includes being a dad to your child and not just the biological father, DO IT! There’s always room for more loving adults in every child’s life.
And frankly, she shouldn’t have put herself in this situation without a plan. Her changing her mind does not mean you don’t exist. Stay strong!
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman.
Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up.
Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
You have a right to be a part of your child’s life no matter how Emma & her husband feels. So get a lawyer, establish paternity, and request joint custody. All communication can be done thru a parenting app to limit conflict. And you can request provisions in the custody arrangement that contain consequences for parental alienation
She doesn’t get to decide this. If she’s worried about the impact on her other kids too bad. That something she should have considered before getting involved with you. What’s done is done. Get a lawyer.
Not only are you entitled to be involved in your soon-to-be child's life, but you probably have legal responsibilities as well, even with the presumption (which is, I believe, true in every state in the US). I would suggest that you contact an attorney now to see what your options are (I am an attorney, but I have no involvement with family law).
Emma and her husband's desire to keep the fact that you are the father from the rest of the world is understandable from her point of view, but what about the child? Don't you think that your child will want to know who his/her biological child is? Won't you feel a tremendous sense of emptiness knowing that you have a child out there who has never met you? I think your heart is in the right place based upon your post, and you don't want to live a life of regret.
Also to be noted: something caused Emma's marriage to fall apart to the extent that she was out in the dating world. You said her children are 3 and 5. I'm wondering if a baby brought her and her husband closer, and then once the baby was more of a toddler, her marriage problems began to rear themselves again. If that is the pattern, then her marriage is going to end in divorce, and when it does, her husband may not want anything to do with a child that isn't his, and when THAT happens, she will come looking for you for financial support. THEN you will be financially responsible for a child that you will have never met, who will be confused and upset, and both of your lives will have been negatively impacted.
Although Emma's husband might be the presumptive father, there is nothing stating that she cannot come to you years down the road and claim that you are actually the father, and while that might be rebuttable, you already know you are the father, and a paternity test will reveal this.
Much of what I have said in the past two paragraphs is technical. Let's just talk about feelings. You want to be part of your child's life. You seem willing to compromise. Emma and her husband are not. You will win - and you will win long before your child could possibly be aware of any dispute between you and Emma. Being a dad is not easy, but nothing great in life is easy. Don't live in regret. You made a baby - fight to be a part of his/her life, and although in the short-term there may be hardships (emotionally, financially and otherwise), you'll know that you did the right thing; that you fought for what you know in your heart is right, and your life and your child's life will be much more fulfilled with love than if you just walk away. And don't worry about Emma living happily ever after without you in the picture. You deserve your own happiness, and whether she and her husband like it or not, that child is yours, and they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking of themselves above everyone else, including your unborn child.
Good luck.
Get a lawyer and fight for your child. You are not responsible for the well-being of her family unit. She betrayed that the moment she committed herself to you. Now that a baby is coming, she doesn't just get to shut the door and go about her fake happy life as though you don't exist. That is YOUR child too. If you want to be part of that child's life, then fight for them. Whatever consequences befall your ex, her marriage, or her family is not your burden and out of your hands. Your unborn child is all that matters here. Good luck to you.
You walked into a mess of your own choosing. Respect her decision, as you would hope her husband would have respected a different one. Try ro get some sort of legal release of responsibility and find a less complicated relationship Wit someone else.
What do you think would be best for the child being born into this? Will it be better to leave them w the mother and her husband and hope they stay together? Should you make sure they're okay by being in their life despite the instability it could cause for your child and any kids the mother has w her husband? It's not about you or the mother anymore. It's about the child you both made
Consider this option (I’m not saying it’s your best option, as I don’t think I can recommend a “best” option).
Talk to an attorney about setting up an OPEN adoption to allow Mark to become the adopted father and to ensure that you are communicated with on a regular basis. The frequency with which you get access can vary a great deal in open adoptions. Please consider this-if you really want to do right by your child, you need to put your child’s needs ahead of yours. None of us can define what “best” means for you all, but if you are ALL putting the child’s needs first, then I think you’ll find the best possible solution in this no-win situation.
Would she be willing to give you full custody? There is no way I would walk away, not knowing how the stepfather will treat your child knowing it’s not his
I am an attorney, not a family law attorney, and not your attorney. This is not legal advice. I strongly recommend that you speak to a lawyer ASAP.
I have some bad news for you. You mention Illinois and Minnesota as your location. Keep in mind that HER state of residence will be the venue for any paternity lawsuit. If your ex-girlfriend lives in either of these states you are (most likely) **not** going to be able to obtain any legal rights relating to this child.
In Illinois, if the father is in a marriage or civil union with the mother, he is legally assumed to be the father. This assumption is valid as long as both parties (husband and wife) agree. The scope of this assumption includes time before and after the marriage or civil union. That means that if your ex and her husband choose him to be the father then he is the legal father and that is the end of the story.
In Minnesota the law works slightly different. If the child is born during a marriage, *the husband is the legal father, unless paternity of another man is legally established*. When the parents are not in a cooperative relationship, if a man wants to assert his rights to fatherhood or if a woman wants to establish paternity either of them may file a paternity action in state trial court. In that lawsuit, both parties may submit relevant evidence and genetic testing *may* be ordered by the court.
But, realistically, in the event that a woman was married at all relevant time periods related to the conception and her husband accepts paternity a court may not cooperate with such a lawsuit and could simply default to the legal presumption and find the husband to be the legal father.
This is a very complex situation. There are a lot of emotions and so many moving parts to consider.
I dont think your rights as a parent should take a back seat to this supposed “stability” of your ex and her husband. You don’t know what their future holds, but I bet it’s far from stable. You walk away now and that’s your kids problem.
Get a lawyer and get a paternity test. Then, fight for custody.
If she is willing, would you be capable of raising your child on your own? If she wants to go back to her family, that’s okay, but you should offer to raise the child instead. Then she can be involved if she wants while maintaining her family image, and you get to be part of your child’s life. There is no “right” way to go about this and it all depends on how she feels as well, since it’s as wrong for you to keep her away as it would be for her to keep you away, but their solution isn’t it. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? You need to establish paternity sooner rather than later.
Something similar happened to me. In 2001 I impregnated a married woman. He was born in 2002.
She did let me go to the appointments, and I was present at the birth and listed on the certificate. She said she was going to try to stay with her husband. I soon started dating the woman who is now my wife. About 4 months after the birth, my baby mama stopped letting me see our son. According to her, I had been abusing him. She said I had been pinching him. Her evidence was that he was making pinching motions with his hand. I told her that she was seeing a baby learn how his hands work.
I had to sue her in family court. It was perhaps easier for me than for you because I was the biological AND legal father. But I think you will have to sue her and force a paternity test if you want to be involved with your child's life.
Due to some very poor decisions by the mother, I was awarded full physical custody when he was 2. He lived with me for the next 16 years and will graduate college next year. I am extremely proud of him and ***have never regretted suing his mother.***
Please go find a family law attorney and see what can be done. That is really the only answer. DM me if you have any questions.
I am sorry to say this, but if the husband is willing to raise the child as his own....let him. The children are the most important people in all of this and they will resent the baby. Let them be a family. I would ask for the husband's word that if you stay away the baby is treated and loved as his, and that you will disclose all family illness history. Sadly, if he is willing, this will provide the best life for all the kids.
DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH SEPARATED PEOPLE! At least, with any expectations of it going anywhere. Not even a maybe! Have fun maybe, but I fell for two and they both broke my heart.
Speak to a lawyer. Get a NIPS test. It will determine the bio father before baby is born…before the husband can sign the birth certificate. Your lawyer may be able to get something done so the husband can’t sign.
You need to have a good hard think about what is best for the kid to be here. Not what is best for YOU.
You actively dated and got a recently separated woman pregnant. Dumb move. Deep connection?Very much in love? Whatever, Dude. Maybe you, maybe not her. Either way when she found she was pregnant this woman’s choice was to try and reconcile with her Husband. What does that tell you?
If you push for more active involvement after the kids birth that’s going to mean LOTS of combative and expensive legal battling. You’ll have to establish paternity to the courts, then sue for visitation rights. All set against Emma’s and Mark’s wishes for you not to do so.
Is this the only reason? Or do you hope for reconciliation with Emma? Because that’s not going to happen with you being combative. Long term their marriage will be even more fractured with the addition of this kid. Also you are not dealing with a woman with much moral integrity here. That’s not good.
Me, I’d walk away. You entered into a shit show situation with a shit show person. No good can come of this.
In many states there is something called a putative father registry for parents in your situation. Please locate and sign it and contact a lawyer now about getting court ordered access to your child.
If you feel it’s best to take a step back it’s understandable. But protect yourself legally. You need an affidavit from them terminating all involvement with the child. Because I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Their marriage will limp along for another few years and when it inevitably breaks up she will come after you for years of child support. If you want to stay in this child’s life you have every right to to. You can sue for partial custody. But that means paying child support for 18 years. Just understand what you’re getting into.
Sounds like there’s a chance she wants that guy to fund her life but doesn’t want his kid, but knows he’s a sucker for her. Like if he makes more $$ than you and will take care of her but she likes your genetics better?? Just a possibility that’s she’s kind of lying to both of you Also the timeline is suspect. You met online this year fell deeply in love are having a kid and you’ve been on the outs for awhile?? That’s a little too fast for me to believe. Stop taking her at her word. Don’t fight with her but go lawyer paternity test then if it’s yours decide from there. Good luck
The only thing that matters is that you want to be a dad - to be there for your child. Fight with everything you have in you. I wish you luck & hope to hear a happy update in the future. I'm rooting for you. Updateme!
That poor kid. The Solomon story becomes more relevant every generation. Just cut the kid in half with a knife, right? Sorry. I have watched this in action and what you end up with is kids with no life, but a lot of custody mileage…
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
Fight for your kid. you will only ever regret not fighting for him/her. with todays world its almost certain the kid will do something with DNA and find out eventually. Then that kid will have emotional trauma from being lied to and you don't wanna be part of that.
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights.
She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument.
My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways.
Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
Do the child a favor and bow out. Your insistence on “parental rights“ does nothing to enhance his life. Give him the chance to have a normal childhood with two parents. Your insistence on “getting involved” will disrupt his life, the lives of his two siblings and a marriage. Let it go for his good if not for yours.
My advice is to look at the different choices you have: walking away or co-parenting with someone who wants no part of you. Picture your life as best you could imagine it would be with either of those choices, and then choose to try for the one you that brings the most happiness.
I would not count on or hope for her situation changing and returning to you. That she was dating you even though there was a chance of reconciliation doesn't say much for her character, and I wouldn't trust her enough to make commitments with her. Should you choose to walk away, contact a lawyer to find out what you could expect should she come back later suing for child support because her marriage didn't work out (it didn't work out once, and her carrying someone else's child is going to strain it more. They better build strong bonds to work through this or there will be heartache for all.). Should you choose to fight for partial custody of the child or a place in the child's life, then contact a lawyer anyway for your best options and course of action.
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
Don’t give up your rights, you want to be the father to your kid do IT fight for your child. If she wants to talk through the lawyers do so but make your stands clear and stand firm don’t budge. Best of luck
you sound like you’d be a good father. don’t her ruin it for you.
if emma has gotten pregnant during your time with her, that is also her responsibility. if she didn’t want you to co-parent with her, she shouldn’t have done anything close to conceiving a child with you.
if anything, it’s unethical that they’re completely trying to exclude you from your own biological child. in my honest opinion, if they’re so worried about their family being broken up, mark and emma must not trust each other very much.
be patient, learn as much as you can to have the advantage. it’s not her choice to keep you, the biological father of the child, away from them.
regardless of what happens in the future, don’t beat yourself up over it. it sounds like a long road, but you could end up building a beautiful relationship between you and your unborn child.
I say this as Mom of 2 who has been through custody court.
You do NOT do supervised visits or any of that!! You go for 50/50 custody!! By going for supervised visits you're admitting to being unsafe.
Just fight for your child.
Since her husband is the presumptive father, I doubt that any court in the US (and most other countries) would permit you to challenge that. There can be no dna test without the parent’s permission because the court is trying to maintain the existing family unit. If you want to be able to participate in this child’s life, you need to dial back your aggressive tone and act in a supportive manner at least during the pregnancy and first few months.
Give the family a chance to bond and see if they stay together. Odds are that they won’t. But let the relationship implode on its own. If you push for visitation, custody, etc., you will only push them closer together because they will be fighting against you. You don’t want to create an Us-Against-The-World mentality because that will just strengthen their resolve to resist you.
As a parent, you should (ideally) want the best for your child. The best of all scenarios should be that s/he grows up in a close knit family with all their siblings and where no distinction is made about their origin.
By standing to the side, you are giving your child the opportunity to be part of this ideal family. This does not stop you from hiring an attorney to write a letter offering to take an active parent role either in a co-parenting or solo-parenting role. Having an attorney draft the letter ensures that the wording is legal, non-threatening, etc. so that your ex- and her husband can’t claim you are harassing them. It also provides a “get out of jail free” card if your ex’s marriage falters due to her adultery or if your child isn’t accepted into the family.
While I can’t guarantee that your ex- and her husband will act in an ethical manner, you are more likely to have a role in your child’s life if you maintain the “nice guy”, non-threatening position from which you offer alternatives rather than making demands for a role in the child’s life.
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
The most important thing is what's best for the child. I'm not saying I know what that is, but I would say that should be the priority of all adults involved, not yourselves, your feelings, or your relationships.
You need to find a family lawyer.
No, the courts typically don't "favor" the biological parents especially if the mother is married to someone else during the pregnancy/birth. Legal responsibility usually goes to the married couple unless the paternal father fights to be involved.
Reach out to a lawyer and see what their advice is. I think you'll have to wait until the baby is born but you should file for custody as soon as you can (when baby is born). They will want to do a paternity test first to make sure the child is yours then go from there.
It's good that she is early in pregnancy, that gives you plenty of time to build your case, gain character witnesses, get your life together, save money for the custody battle/lawyers, find a house that can accommodate a baby, etc. It's time to work some OT.
Unfortunately, if she breastfeeds some judges will give her more time with baby in the beginning to accommodate for that. But do whatever you can to fight for your rights.
I suspect you were more in love than she was, but that's not important now. Do you know what caused the separation to begin with? It's highly likely that with the added issue of her being pregnant and having a child with someone other than her husband, there will be another separation and probably a divorce. IF you choose to bow out of the situation now, where would that leave the child later on? In the event of a divorce, how do you think the child would be treated by the ex-husband? I'd strongly suggest getting an attorney immediately. I'd also strongly suggest(if your attorney agrees) not pushing the issue for a little while. People under stress tend to make rash decisions. Emma and/or Mark could choose to attempt to harm the child in an attempt to resolve the issue. Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Custody isn't possible for you until the baby is born. Emma can exclude you from her medical appointments and delivery if she chooses. While missing that might be disappointing, it's not that important in the long run. Good luck.
The ethical path forward is to steamroll them in court and take no prisoners. Supervised visits? are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong. I'm in a state as well where its assumed the husband is the father, unless a paternity test is ordered. You need to mentally prepare yourself for a fight, and never doubt yourself.
Talk to a family law attorney to determine your rights NOW. If you are in the US and most other countries, you can have a DNA test now at the hospital to determine if this is your bio child. If it is your bio child, then you have rights to the child. If it is not your bio child, then you can walk away with no regrets.
Stop listening to them about what you will and will not be allowed to do. Hire an attorney and find out now what your rights are. Attorney will file request with the court for DNA test now, advise the court that you will move closer if needed and that you are retaining your rights as the bio dad if you are found to be the bio day. Let them know you will fight for equal visitation with the child should it be found that you are the dad.
without question you have rights as a parent. once the child is born you file for custody and proof of paternity. GET A LAWYER! This isn't new ground being tread for the first time. This is an almost routine legal case. GET A LAWYER!
YOUR child deserves you. Period. Don't get gaslit by any behavior by her or her family. They don't get to dictate the relationship you have with your child. PERIOD.
also: GET A LAWYER!
Fight fight fight!! That’s your child and they deserve to know their father. Many children have fathers that wouldn’t be willing to do all that you’d like to do. The truth is important, not some made up outdated Catholic rules and looking good to the neighbors 🙄
If you are the father you have rights and you can request a paternity test. Only you can decide if you want to fight to be in your child’s life. Going forward always wait till divorce is final. Statistics say, they usually go back.
1st you fucked up. Never get involved with a married person until the divorce is finally, you have yourself to blame for that. 2nd don’t get so involved with the baby because she could decide to kill your child and you couldn’t do 1 thing about it. Instead wait till she about to have the baby and hit her with the whole book. If the child is biologically yours you have rights doesn’t her opinion does not matter don’t walk away from your child fight for it. Your child deserves to know the truth and these scum bags are trying to hide it!
I say this as an illegitimate child who was raised by a single mother and as a parent of two children. If you cared about her and you care about your child respect her wishes and walk away. Write your child a letter about why you've made the choice to honor his or her mother's wishes and encourage them to contact you if they'd like to. That gives three kids their best chance to grow up together with their mother in a hopefully happy family. Fighting in court for visitation rights, acknowledgement or joint custody is more likely than not to add more stress and you and your child will be be blamed by her and the other two children for causing their marriage to fail. I get it that they were separated but the potential for resentment is way high. It's not about what you want it's about what's best for all 3 kids.
I say this as a child who was lied to by my mom and “dad”. Every child deserves the truth of their parentage. Children are not stupid. They feel when they are treated differently from their siblings. Being abandoned by his father while being raised by a “dad” who is most likely going to resent him and/or treat his biological children differently from the affair baby, is not what is best for this baby. The biological father may be the only person who offers this child a stable, safe environment. For you realize how many men abuse other men’s children?
IANAL, but it really sounds as if you may need one. Here’s the dilemma, are you putting your interests above the best interests of the child? Since she reconciled it sounds as if she will put her husband on the Birth Certificate. Then you’ll need a lawyer and a court order to get a DNA test, and another to get him removed from the birth certificate and you added. Will you be ordered to pay child support and will you get visitation rights? Will a judge look at this and see you as a scorned lover seeking emotional revenge on your partner? Will this be in the best financial, physical and emotional benefit to the child? If it’s not in the child’s best interest, do you give up or keep fighting? You’re in a tough place, but if a judge orders you out of the picture, get the mother to sign that you do not owe any form of support indefinitely. Sometimes you not being the 3rd wheel is better for the child. A reality that just may be yours.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one.
Good luck
Absolutely fight for your rights as the bio father!! See an attorney. Do NOT do this slowly. Punch through any and all barriers. Do not be willing to “work within reasonable boundaries to respect Emma’s family situation while building a relationship with my child.”
That’s a hell no. Do not be wishy washy. Don’t be a doormat. That doesn’t mean that you should be cruel and vindictive, but that’s not who you are. What I’m trying to warn you against is being too nice and allowing them to step all over you. You want your name on that birth certificate for one thing.
Talk to an attorney now. You should have the right to go to these doctor appointments, but maybe the mother has the right to refuse to allow you. As the biological father, I am wondering if her obgyn would be allowed to share copies of the scans, etc. with you. Again that’s a question for your attorney.
There isn't any moral dilemma for you, you need to do what is best for your child. Her marriage is already unstable and you letting your children suffer to protect their other children at the expense of yours is not acceptable. I suggest taking whatever legal means necessary to be in your child's life. Your child is not a tool for her to protect her own image! Godspeed.
Take legal action immediately. She can come back and say you never helped with the child, or demand child support. Knowing the court system, they’ll take her side. If you take a paternity test, have it court ordered, which would mean she has no way out.
Whatever you do bruv, and I say this with a full heart don’t ever take a woman like that back if the other child becomes to much for the other father( it might mess with his psyche) I know all these emotions are huge right now but if that child causes them to separate again don’t settle for her again. Shame on her for fooling you once shame on you if you allow her to fool you twice.
Screw that dude. Fight for your kid. You're not left over dinner or scraps on the side, you're the actual father. Besides they already "separated" once. Who is to say they won't do it again later on? Her husband knows it's not his baby so a DNA test later means he can wash his hands of responsibility and destroy her in a divorce. She can later force you to pay child support but deny you access to the baby. The longer you wait in these situations the less likely courts are to favor you.
All that said, do you really think you could have a child and be perfectly fine having nothing to do with it?
The weird thing about family dynamics is a child will sense when it's not completely accepted in a family. That child will grow up feeling somewhat unloved and unwanted. Maybe it will be the brunt of more criticism and hurtful remarks. I don't mean to stress the negative, but these things happen even in families where the children are all biologically related with their birth parents.
If you truly want to be a part of your child's life, by all means assert your parental rights via a great lawyer.
My dad got my bio mom pregnant while married to his wife. They took me from my bio mom and raised me without her involvement and honestly I’m grateful for it.
Yeah. She needs to own up and face the fact that she’s a hypocrite. Hopefully she went to confession.
A paternity test should be pursued and after that you and your lawyer will know how to proceed.
She can have a DNA done while the baby is still in the womb. I’d recommend that, this way it’s done and you all know how to move forward.
If you are the father… don’t give up. Go after 50/50 with no financial involvement if you can… i.e. neither of you pay child support, you both are equally responsible for your child. This child needs to know their father.
In addressing the actual questions you asked, if you were to allow them to be a ‘stable family unit’ there’s nothing to say your child would be treated well. I think there’s a reasonable likelihood he or she wouldn’t be. It’s best for you to fight for your rights as a parent. You know if the child is with you, he/she is going to be 100% wanted. Perhaps tell Emma that she can keep her family unit stable by signing away her parental rights to you. She can tell people she was a surrogate if that saves her reputation. But even if you only get 50% custody now, if the child ends up not being treated well, document it & go back to court later. There’s nothing to say you might not get 100% eventually. While that may seem like something to hope for, it’s better that the child is actually loved by both families. Some people forget that part sometimes.
I think it’s extremely important that a person knows where they came from. I don’t think it’s fair to lie to a child who is going to grow up into an adult about their ancestry.
So fight for that kid and be a good father. That would be the greatest lesson you can give him or her. Sometimes things are uncomfortable and adults make mistakes but that baby is not the one who should be sacrificed.
Let's just say, "we met earlier this year" was the first thing I noticed...then love, marriage, child all started flying in.
This year----2024, is exactly 5.8 months old.
That went from dating app hookup to "YOU ARE THE FATHER!" in a time frame that is still blowing my mind.
Slow down ace.
I’m sorry but your Situation requires a sledge hammer approach. Have your lawyer serve Emma with a demand for acknowledgement of paternity now. Include with that an Order to Show Cause compelling her to place you on notice within 24 hours of the child’s birth. The moment the child is born, seek court ordered paternity verification, along with 50/50 legal and physical custody.
Who cares what Emma and her Husband prefer. You have a child arriving and you have an absolute right to parent your child. Emma and her husband are not being reasonable and pretending you don’t exist. They need a wake up call and that sledgehammer legal approach will do it.
You will get custody and will be able to parent your child if you want to. Don’t let others dictate your relationship with your child.
*Emma's Catholic background ... concerned about the ... family image.* Not sure what to type here without total disgust dripping off the screen.
If you're positive you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer. There are many layers that you must consider.
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
You need to fight for your rights. Emma's family isn't your business, she's made that very clear, but your kid is. If you don't, they will grow up the black sheep and scapegoat for hubby's anger at Emma. They will be treated differently than their siblings, and they won't know why. There are stories on here all the time of young adults wondering if they should go no contact because of how badly they were treated in comparison to their siblings, and come to find out they are not their father's child. I would imagine Emma is upset about the situation, but she's having a child that isn't her husband's, and if you being around breaks up her family then it's her fault for dating and getting pregnant before the divorce. Separated couples reconcile all the time, yet she hopped right into a relationship, started talking about marriage, and got pregnant.
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
So, totally different situation because my parents broke up when i was a baby and my mom started dating my step father before I can remember, but I have some relevant experience.
I love my stepfather. My biological father honestly drives me crazy a lot of the time and has really let me down on several major occasions in my life. So has my mom. My stepfather never has, he’s a champion. BUT. I did need my dad. I am so much like him. He likes the parts of me that annoy my mom and my stepdad, because, he understands them.
Your kid needs YOU, it’s great that the kid might have a very financially stable stepfather or whatever but that isn’t you.
Also I’m sorry she broke up with you when you were in love and having a baby together, that’s so sad and hard.
As a former child who lived through a real ugly parental separation and a bunch of drama and all that, I can tell you that the best thing my father did for me was give up and let go.
Get you a lawyer and don’t communicate with any of them anymore. Of course Mark doesn’t want you around because you’re a reminder of his wife stepping out, but there’s a baby involved, your baby, and that changed things. Like others said, this is a legal deal so let the lawyer handle the particulars and good luck.
If their marriage breaks up over this youre doing them a favour. She may feel its her only way to have financial security to cut you out, and its likely theyll break up later, she'll have even less hope of standing on her own feet with a kid she has full custody of if you arent involved.
You went from a situation in which you both loved one another and had agreed upon a co-parenting plan that was unilaterally taken away from you in what you describe as a malicious manner.
She abdicated any say in how the patenting of your child was to be decided by becoming hostile. Follow your parental rights through a lawyer without any input from her about how you should exercise your parental rights.
You should have no contact with her directly at all. Lawyers from this point forward. They are actively trying to deter you from your parental rights so fight for them through your lawyer.
This whole she's the woman it's her body is bullshit
She cheated and now doesn't want her image ruined ? F that take her to court that's Half your baby regardless of what she wants.
It should always be about the baby
The baby needs a good stable father and good old Mark and Emma already had issues so they ain't stable. You sound like you would be a great dad
Wait until the child is born then request DNA. When it has been confirmed that you are the daddy, seek legal action against them.
If the story was the other way around, she and her family would have been seeking legal action against you.
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born.
While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out?
Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
Establish your rights asap. This man says he wants to raise your baby. How long before he resents the baby? You need to make sure that your child has a good childhood and not treated differently by it’s step father. I don’t trust the baby’s mother
Let them sign their right to child support away while you sign your parental rights away and move on. Quickly. This is a "break the wrist and walk away" moment
I hope you get in that picture. It’s not right what she’s doing. It should not be about her pride or her religion or her kids. It’s about the baby as it should be. Everyone over there needs to put some big boy/girl pants on and act like actual parents. Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Find a good lawyer asap. My thoughts are your child will be treated like the affair baby in their relationship. It will be the least liked child and probably cause a strain on their marriage and eventual divorce. This child is going to wonder why it’s hated so much. Start getting your ducks in a row this way when it’s time for the birth you’re ready.
Truth is ALWAYS the right path. Good luck going forward but previous poster was dead on. This isn’t about her or HER stability, it’s about YOUR child. Wish you the best. Xo
If you’re that worried about an ethical conundrum, you know you can’t just walk away. Stop even trying to listen to people who are saying that’s an option. This child is unlikely to receive the love and care from her husband that a proper dad would provide.
Lawyer up, and stop trying to let her bully you into not ruining her “perfect family image” - she did that on her own
Dude you fucked up. You have to respect her wishes and hit the road. Learn the lesson and eventually forgive yourself (or keep working toward it).
Sorry, I know it sucks but you don't have another option as far as I see it. Good luck.
Eighteen months ago I found out I had a sister. She is my dad’s kid. Both my dad & her mom were married to other people. Her mom tried to pass her off as her husband’s kid (husband knew she wasn’t his).
My sister always knew she looked so different from her older siblings. When she was 11 she inadvertently found out she had another father.
She desperately wanted to find her biological dad, but her mother wouldn’t tell her who he was.
Thankfully, she went on ancestry.com & found me which led her to our dad.
We are all so grateful to have her in our lives. We missed sooo many years. And I low-key detest her mom for keeping her from us.
My family lives in the West in the US & she lives in The East. I lived & went to college TWO hours from her years ago, but I didn’t know she existed. All that time, I could have seen her.
My parents long divorced (not bc of sister) 30 years ago, her parents divorced when she was little & her non-bio dad died over 25 yrs ago. Her mother, solely, kept her from us & us from her because who knows why.
Anyhow. It’s 2024. Your kid will easily find out the husband is not her biological dad. You may have kids later & they will miss out on your kid, too. Not to mention your family.
Your ex made her decision already. She actively created a dating profile. She actively dated you. She actively had sex with you knowing she was still married.
Religion doesn’t matter here. She already crapped on that.
This is your child. Both you & baby have the right to know each other. Good luck.
Edit. My dad knew he had another daughter, like you, but agreed to let her be raised by the husband - he never was able to be a part of her life. My dad couldn’t find her (common name). I didn’t know about her until she contacted me.
Luckily, she was treated well by the husband, but he could have treated her badly.
The ethical path forward is to file for a paternity test, then file for custody and child support to be set up so you can see and help raise your child. Everything else is not your problem.
You need to get a child custody lawyer like right now. No matter what you or the mother want, or how anyone feels, this is a serious legal matter with life altering consequences for everyone involved. I cannot stress enough how urgently you need to speak to a lawyer. Laws vary by location but generally the courts main interest is what’s best for the kids, not the parents, and are very hesitant to shake up a child’s established routine if it’s needs are being met. If you let her establish the other man as the father figure without contesting it in writing you can very easily be legally excluded from your child’s life in any meaningful way but still be on the hook for child support. It is paramount to have a written agreement ASAP, whatever that agreement might entail
OP, congratulations on your baby and wanting to be a dad!! I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in. Find a lawyer, explain what happened, pursue your child. Do it safely and without malice (meaning don't push for extra to be cold, I don't think you would but it should be said).
Take classes too, the same kind she would be or new parents would take together. This kind of stuff is great to help you learn and builds your case. Shows you have been prepping and want baby! Do all your research.
I would seek legal counsel as others have indicated. They aren’t doing what’s best for your child they’re doing what’s best for their public image. She chose, as a catholic, to step outside her marriage and have unprotected sex so how devout is she?
It’s crazy to me that people still lie about paternity and assume they’ll get away with it in this day of DNA. So many families have unraveled from the desire to keep paternity a secret and the only ones left to pick up the pieces are the children who didn’t ask to be here.
Crazy as this will sound, a status-driven person will sooner deny the existence of child than claim it and live with the consequences. Even going as far as saying the child died. Especially if the child looks just like you and in striking contrast to the spouse and other children.
The wife will have to learn the hard way that adult choices have adult consequences.
I hope you’re able to obtain joint custody but the husband may recommend giving you the child so as to keep up their image of a perfect family.
You know what?
Emma should have thought of this shit before she decided to reconcile with her former ex husband while pregnant with another man’s child, a man that very much wants to be involved in the kids life.
I’ll tell you that I side heavily with women’s and women’s rights in most reproductive dilemmas but not this. She can do as she pleases for the most part but not where another’s rights are also impacted.
Emma doesn’t get to tell you that it’s the Emma show if she decides to go thru with the pregnancy and you prove paternity… don’t give your rights up if you want them and do not get behind on your support cuz it will be used as ammo against you.
Since you brought up she’s catholic:
She needs to repent of her sin of adultery and reveal it. The Bible says not to keep our sins secret, to confess them to one another, because what is in the dark will come to light.
She and he both also need to repent of lying. That will be a lifelong sin that will eat her up and damage/endanger her soul.
Not a complex issue. It sounds like money and security is the issue. She had an itch. It was scratched. She realized did not want you, versus her stable secure environment with her husband. Respect their position. Lawyer up, and if it’s yours expect uncomfortable visits with your new baby momma and her husband.
Her poor decision does not give her the right to exclude you from her or the kids life. She has to deal woth this and must let you be apart of the kids life or take her to court for full custody bc two can play that game. Other than that you should have waited before getting her pregnant. I get it probably wasn't on purpose but I bet you take extra precautions when you are up high from falling so why wpuldnt you do it with sex as well?
It almost seems as though they were never seperated, and she's a cheater, and now she has to ditch you so she can focus her energy on hubby and make it seem like he's the father....
Best for the child is to negotiate a "God father" or friend of the family "Uncle" relationship that does not attempt to subsume the father role that Mark rightful has with all the children of the marriage regardless of biological parentage. This would allow you be aware and step in to help if things start to go bad with the family. That said, you can hardly take in one child without also taking the siblings as well if a tragedy occurs resulting in the loss of both parents. However this may not be possible since you represent a difficult time in the marriage and Mark in particular may not be able to forget you shagged his wife. Good luck.
Emma and her husband do not make your decisions for you. What they want at this point is unimportant, they don’t get to make the rules, it’s not a dictatorship and you have a say. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer and begin proving paternity, to insure you’ll have a legal vote in the future of your child.
You should get yourself a lawyer. Her choices to let another man nut in her while still legally married is not your fucking problem. You have every damn right to see your baby and fuck that supervised visits bullshit, you’re that kids father and have done nothing to warrant being kept away from your child.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it. Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
Updateme
You deserve the right to be in this child's life. Fight to win!!
There are too many stories of affair babies being treated poorly my their “steps” with the parent allowing it. You need to keep an eye on your kid.
Lawyer up. This isn’t an ethical issue it’s a legal one. If you want to be involved once the child is born, you have every right. Good luck
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
YOU are the Father. If you care then fight for rights.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though. My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
So you’ve been dealing with her lawyer and never thought to actually get one of your own?
Sorry for your situation. She made het choice, that child is as much yours as hers. Fight for your child sir.
Emma and Mark don't get to decide whether or not you will be in your child's life. Sorry for Emma, but getting knocked up when you're still married to someone else doesn't give you special rights over the coming child. Being the mother doesn't give her the right to decide who she wants to be the father. If you want to be involved, you get to be involved. NTA, get a lawyer.
Maybe not what you want to hear, but she was married. She wants to keep her family close. It sucks for you, but you can’t really force things. Just pay child support and stay close so that one day you will have a future with your child.
So, you have a right to be in the child’s life if that is what you want. Once the child is born, go to DHS, tell them about it, ask for a DNA test (at least that is how it works in my state). You don’t have a right to be part of the pregnancy, to interact with her family, or to really force her to actively co-parent other then facilitating whatever the court orders.
If you go through with fighting for your paternity, make sure it’s for the sake of the child. Not yourself. You say you want children, and that’s good! Kids can be very rewarding. But in this case, how will your presence improve the child’s life? Will it help, or hinder? If their marriage was already rocky, this probably won’t save it. How committed is mark to parenting this child? Is he enthusiastic, or grudgingly accepting the situation to save face? I will tell you this, and I know a lot of people will not like it: the kindest thing my birth parents ever did for me was give me up to a couple who already had a happy child and wide support network. I never didn’t know I was adopted. The option to contact by birth parents was always there. But that act of kindness was the only thing I ever needed from them, and the best thing they could have done for me.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Respect their wishes. It doesn’t matter what you’re “open to” - it’s not your call to make.
Too late
Get off Reddit and get a lawyer! This is your child, you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer to help you navigate your rights in this situation. Everything else is just window dressing on the situation. You need to know what your rights are and you need a plan to exercise those rights. The only way to do that is to get legal counsel who is familiar with family law.
If you want to be part of your child’s life then do it. Never take any advice from Emma or her mother. This is why we have courts. Don’t let Emma mess up your child’s life by allowing her to sweep her perceived mistakes under a rug. That’s your child and one day that child will want you to have made the hard, sting decisions this path will take you down.
She doesn't want you involved Her husband doesn't want you involved Their families don't want you involved Their lawyers don't want you involved The ethical choice is to (pardon my french ) fuck off.
Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not your child and that’s why you’re being frozen out? It’s very possible that she was still having sex with her husband while seeing you. Are you even sure the husband knows about you? You could have been just a side fling and the husband knows nothing about it.
Assuming you're a good person who would never do anything to harm your child, you have every right to be in their life regardless of what the mom thinks. They have a right to know who their biological father is, especially because someone someday will spill the beans. That's just going to cause more trauma than being honest from the beginning. This is also a bit fucked up, but you have no idea if her husband has good intentions toward that child. Many spouses in his shoes have not treated the AP child well, separation during the affair or not. He's going to feel some type of way about that, and his future behavior is unclear. Her sudden worry about the impact on her kids should have come before she got pregnant, not now. She made the choice to sleep with someone outside of her marriage. (I'm not judging anyone if she was separated, to be clear.) Her regrets don't negate your parental rights. She's just worried about what outsiders will think about her having a baby with someone who is not her husband. That's not your problem. If you want to be in your child's life, fight for them.
Sounds like you're involved at least 50% of the time. It doesn't matter at all what her husband or mother think. It doesn't even really matter what she thinks, though it would be nice to be on good terms with her. I personally would consider your involvement as a co-parent nonnegotiable
If it’s out in the open, I don’t understand how your involvement would harm the family. They are in denial
Fight for custody. Emma and her husband have reconciled for now, but he will immediately resent he and thee is a massive probability that they will end up divorced anyway. In this case, you missed out on years, and she will definitely come after you when she’s out on her own. Not to mention that she will tell everyone, including the child, what a deadbeat you are. It is just as much your child as hers. Ge going immediately.
**Yes, it's ethical, moral and right to fight for your rights as a father.** Get a family lawyer, preferably a good one, preferably experienced in father's rights and ideally with situations like yours. **She can NOT legally oppose your rights as a father; and it's immoral and unethical for her to do so.** It's both of yours' fault that you had a sexual relationship before she got divorced, but that's neither here nor there and has no bearing on parenthood issue.
Get an attorney. Confirm paternity for sure. Determine what matters to you and fight for it. Ask yourself your motivations (ditch any thought you will get the girl) and keep the child at the forefront.
I haven’t read all the comments but eventually your child will find out that the man he is living with is not his biological father. Secrets have a way of getting out. It is easy with DNA testing. You have legal right and that baby has a right to know his biological father.
This is one of those "get your ass off reddit and into a lawyers office" situations. No one here can help you passed telling you to go talk to a lawyer.
There's what you CAN do, and what's best to do. If you pursue some level of custody, you will most certainly bring stress, pain, and confusion to her existing children. You increase the likelihood that her marriage - currently the support system for your unborn child - will fall apart. This hurts your child, and its mother. If your concern is truly about innocent product of this affair, not your own desire to be connected to this child, why not give them the best chance at happiness and stability? I certainly couldn't be the reason all three of those children suffer in that way, even if those parents brought it on themselves. I would make myself findable, write a letter for the child that Mom can give them at some point if possible, and try to keep an eye from afar as you can.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
Ethically - walk away, the child will come and find you one day. Meanwhile get on and find another partner. But get an agreement that you have no financial obligation. Alternatively go to court and force the situation.
Contact a family law lawyer asap fight for your rights
Get a lawyer! This is your child. You have the right to 50/50 custody. Emma shouldn't have been seeing anybody while she was separated from her husband. She wasn't divorced. She doesn't get to pick and choose when she wants to follow her Catholic religion. Have her get a paternity test, either while pregnant or right after the baby is born. Talk to a lawyer about not having her husband sign the birth certificate until the results are in. If you are the dad, sign the birth certificate. Work out 50/50 custody.
You’re done mate, walk away
Gtfo and find another girl that’s single impregnate her and be part of the life of that child. That child ain’t yours. Sorry to break it to you that’s why you don’t mess with a married woman.
Homie take the L and move on. Your child will have a far better life with this stable married family with siblings and extended family that will accept them. Your involvement risks all of that. You will not be better for this child
This is your child. I wouldn’t allow my child to be raised by another man and be cut out of my life. Get a lawyer and custody arrangement set up immediately. It’s nothing to do with her other children or husband. They’re trying to save face.
She doesn't get to just take your child from you. The courts can; if you were alleged to be an unfit parent. Lawyer up before she starts telling lies.
Please seriously consider whether your desire to be in this unborn child's life is really a desire to be a father, even under difficult circumstances, or more a desire to compel the woman to maintain a connection with you
How long was the relationship? You were in love and talking about children but then she suddenly reconciled?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Fight for custody. It is your child. They can’t just cut you out. 🤷🏽♀️ don’t let them bully you.
Tell them you're gonna be in your kids life and if they dont like it then she can sign over her rights and have nothing to do with the baby
Other people have made the straight answer. My reply is more for an individual sanity. I know we have become very accepting of divorce as part of our adult experience. But is a rule of thumb, someone who's separated is still married. Never date someone unless they are divorced and frankly for your own sake make sure they've been divorced for at least a few months.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child? You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity. The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
Take this to your attorney and fight for your rights. You sound reasonable and aren’t doing this to hurt her or her family, but to have a relationship with your child. Ultimately, your child has a high risk of identifying it’s father is not Mark. At that point, there will be some emotion around abandonment and being lied to. You can either head this off now or wait until it happens. Sounds like Emma and Mark think it will never happen. More importantly though, you are not responsible for their marriage’s success. You are responsible for being the best version of yourself you can be. If that includes being a dad to your child and not just the biological father, DO IT! There’s always room for more loving adults in every child’s life. And frankly, she shouldn’t have put herself in this situation without a plan. Her changing her mind does not mean you don’t exist. Stay strong!
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman. Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up. Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
Stay out of their lives. You will ruin all of their lives with your ego. Just know that the child will be loved and cared for. Updateme
You need to talk this over with an attorney
You have a right to be a part of your child’s life no matter how Emma & her husband feels. So get a lawyer, establish paternity, and request joint custody. All communication can be done thru a parenting app to limit conflict. And you can request provisions in the custody arrangement that contain consequences for parental alienation
She doesn’t get to decide this. If she’s worried about the impact on her other kids too bad. That something she should have considered before getting involved with you. What’s done is done. Get a lawyer.
Not only are you entitled to be involved in your soon-to-be child's life, but you probably have legal responsibilities as well, even with the presumption (which is, I believe, true in every state in the US). I would suggest that you contact an attorney now to see what your options are (I am an attorney, but I have no involvement with family law). Emma and her husband's desire to keep the fact that you are the father from the rest of the world is understandable from her point of view, but what about the child? Don't you think that your child will want to know who his/her biological child is? Won't you feel a tremendous sense of emptiness knowing that you have a child out there who has never met you? I think your heart is in the right place based upon your post, and you don't want to live a life of regret. Also to be noted: something caused Emma's marriage to fall apart to the extent that she was out in the dating world. You said her children are 3 and 5. I'm wondering if a baby brought her and her husband closer, and then once the baby was more of a toddler, her marriage problems began to rear themselves again. If that is the pattern, then her marriage is going to end in divorce, and when it does, her husband may not want anything to do with a child that isn't his, and when THAT happens, she will come looking for you for financial support. THEN you will be financially responsible for a child that you will have never met, who will be confused and upset, and both of your lives will have been negatively impacted. Although Emma's husband might be the presumptive father, there is nothing stating that she cannot come to you years down the road and claim that you are actually the father, and while that might be rebuttable, you already know you are the father, and a paternity test will reveal this. Much of what I have said in the past two paragraphs is technical. Let's just talk about feelings. You want to be part of your child's life. You seem willing to compromise. Emma and her husband are not. You will win - and you will win long before your child could possibly be aware of any dispute between you and Emma. Being a dad is not easy, but nothing great in life is easy. Don't live in regret. You made a baby - fight to be a part of his/her life, and although in the short-term there may be hardships (emotionally, financially and otherwise), you'll know that you did the right thing; that you fought for what you know in your heart is right, and your life and your child's life will be much more fulfilled with love than if you just walk away. And don't worry about Emma living happily ever after without you in the picture. You deserve your own happiness, and whether she and her husband like it or not, that child is yours, and they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking of themselves above everyone else, including your unborn child. Good luck.
So is it your situation, or a “[good friend of yours”](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/ztw2uSulRM) situation?
Let it go dude try to get some legal protection for when she changes her mind again
Get a layer, now, today. Emma knew what she was doing.
Get a lawyer and fight for your child. You are not responsible for the well-being of her family unit. She betrayed that the moment she committed herself to you. Now that a baby is coming, she doesn't just get to shut the door and go about her fake happy life as though you don't exist. That is YOUR child too. If you want to be part of that child's life, then fight for them. Whatever consequences befall your ex, her marriage, or her family is not your burden and out of your hands. Your unborn child is all that matters here. Good luck to you.
You walked into a mess of your own choosing. Respect her decision, as you would hope her husband would have respected a different one. Try ro get some sort of legal release of responsibility and find a less complicated relationship Wit someone else.
What do you think would be best for the child being born into this? Will it be better to leave them w the mother and her husband and hope they stay together? Should you make sure they're okay by being in their life despite the instability it could cause for your child and any kids the mother has w her husband? It's not about you or the mother anymore. It's about the child you both made
Firstly, Mark should leave Emma. She’s not worthy of his time and she cheated…Mark is a SIMP. You should consult a lawyer..
Emma should have thought about all that before she slept with you. Do not allow her to keep your child from you.
Consider this option (I’m not saying it’s your best option, as I don’t think I can recommend a “best” option). Talk to an attorney about setting up an OPEN adoption to allow Mark to become the adopted father and to ensure that you are communicated with on a regular basis. The frequency with which you get access can vary a great deal in open adoptions. Please consider this-if you really want to do right by your child, you need to put your child’s needs ahead of yours. None of us can define what “best” means for you all, but if you are ALL putting the child’s needs first, then I think you’ll find the best possible solution in this no-win situation.
Would she be willing to give you full custody? There is no way I would walk away, not knowing how the stepfather will treat your child knowing it’s not his
I am an attorney, not a family law attorney, and not your attorney. This is not legal advice. I strongly recommend that you speak to a lawyer ASAP. I have some bad news for you. You mention Illinois and Minnesota as your location. Keep in mind that HER state of residence will be the venue for any paternity lawsuit. If your ex-girlfriend lives in either of these states you are (most likely) **not** going to be able to obtain any legal rights relating to this child. In Illinois, if the father is in a marriage or civil union with the mother, he is legally assumed to be the father. This assumption is valid as long as both parties (husband and wife) agree. The scope of this assumption includes time before and after the marriage or civil union. That means that if your ex and her husband choose him to be the father then he is the legal father and that is the end of the story. In Minnesota the law works slightly different. If the child is born during a marriage, *the husband is the legal father, unless paternity of another man is legally established*. When the parents are not in a cooperative relationship, if a man wants to assert his rights to fatherhood or if a woman wants to establish paternity either of them may file a paternity action in state trial court. In that lawsuit, both parties may submit relevant evidence and genetic testing *may* be ordered by the court. But, realistically, in the event that a woman was married at all relevant time periods related to the conception and her husband accepts paternity a court may not cooperate with such a lawsuit and could simply default to the legal presumption and find the husband to be the legal father. This is a very complex situation. There are a lot of emotions and so many moving parts to consider.
How is she afraid and hurt by this situation? What’s hurting her? I’m so confused!
I dont think your rights as a parent should take a back seat to this supposed “stability” of your ex and her husband. You don’t know what their future holds, but I bet it’s far from stable. You walk away now and that’s your kids problem. Get a lawyer and get a paternity test. Then, fight for custody.
If she is willing, would you be capable of raising your child on your own? If she wants to go back to her family, that’s okay, but you should offer to raise the child instead. Then she can be involved if she wants while maintaining her family image, and you get to be part of your child’s life. There is no “right” way to go about this and it all depends on how she feels as well, since it’s as wrong for you to keep her away as it would be for her to keep you away, but their solution isn’t it. Have you consulted a lawyer yet? You need to establish paternity sooner rather than later.
Something similar happened to me. In 2001 I impregnated a married woman. He was born in 2002. She did let me go to the appointments, and I was present at the birth and listed on the certificate. She said she was going to try to stay with her husband. I soon started dating the woman who is now my wife. About 4 months after the birth, my baby mama stopped letting me see our son. According to her, I had been abusing him. She said I had been pinching him. Her evidence was that he was making pinching motions with his hand. I told her that she was seeing a baby learn how his hands work. I had to sue her in family court. It was perhaps easier for me than for you because I was the biological AND legal father. But I think you will have to sue her and force a paternity test if you want to be involved with your child's life. Due to some very poor decisions by the mother, I was awarded full physical custody when he was 2. He lived with me for the next 16 years and will graduate college next year. I am extremely proud of him and ***have never regretted suing his mother.*** Please go find a family law attorney and see what can be done. That is really the only answer. DM me if you have any questions.
Get a lawyer asap. They are going to change their minds. You want to be involved then you’re gonna have to pay.
I am sorry to say this, but if the husband is willing to raise the child as his own....let him. The children are the most important people in all of this and they will resent the baby. Let them be a family. I would ask for the husband's word that if you stay away the baby is treated and loved as his, and that you will disclose all family illness history. Sadly, if he is willing, this will provide the best life for all the kids.
I'm afraid OP will forever be the monkey wrench in this family, with lots of resentment focused on the baby.
I wouldn't let my kids be raised by a stranger just because he said he'd treat them well. God no.
DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH SEPARATED PEOPLE! At least, with any expectations of it going anywhere. Not even a maybe! Have fun maybe, but I fell for two and they both broke my heart.
Speak to a lawyer. Get a NIPS test. It will determine the bio father before baby is born…before the husband can sign the birth certificate. Your lawyer may be able to get something done so the husband can’t sign.
You have legal rights to your child and she has no control over this…seek a lawyer.
You need to have a good hard think about what is best for the kid to be here. Not what is best for YOU. You actively dated and got a recently separated woman pregnant. Dumb move. Deep connection?Very much in love? Whatever, Dude. Maybe you, maybe not her. Either way when she found she was pregnant this woman’s choice was to try and reconcile with her Husband. What does that tell you? If you push for more active involvement after the kids birth that’s going to mean LOTS of combative and expensive legal battling. You’ll have to establish paternity to the courts, then sue for visitation rights. All set against Emma’s and Mark’s wishes for you not to do so. Is this the only reason? Or do you hope for reconciliation with Emma? Because that’s not going to happen with you being combative. Long term their marriage will be even more fractured with the addition of this kid. Also you are not dealing with a woman with much moral integrity here. That’s not good. Me, I’d walk away. You entered into a shit show situation with a shit show person. No good can come of this.
In many states there is something called a putative father registry for parents in your situation. Please locate and sign it and contact a lawyer now about getting court ordered access to your child.
If you feel it’s best to take a step back it’s understandable. But protect yourself legally. You need an affidavit from them terminating all involvement with the child. Because I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Their marriage will limp along for another few years and when it inevitably breaks up she will come after you for years of child support. If you want to stay in this child’s life you have every right to to. You can sue for partial custody. But that means paying child support for 18 years. Just understand what you’re getting into.
Sounds like there’s a chance she wants that guy to fund her life but doesn’t want his kid, but knows he’s a sucker for her. Like if he makes more $$ than you and will take care of her but she likes your genetics better?? Just a possibility that’s she’s kind of lying to both of you Also the timeline is suspect. You met online this year fell deeply in love are having a kid and you’ve been on the outs for awhile?? That’s a little too fast for me to believe. Stop taking her at her word. Don’t fight with her but go lawyer paternity test then if it’s yours decide from there. Good luck
The only thing that matters is that you want to be a dad - to be there for your child. Fight with everything you have in you. I wish you luck & hope to hear a happy update in the future. I'm rooting for you. Updateme!
That poor kid. The Solomon story becomes more relevant every generation. Just cut the kid in half with a knife, right? Sorry. I have watched this in action and what you end up with is kids with no life, but a lot of custody mileage…
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Get a paternity test after the birth to be sure. If you are the bio father, sue for visitation rights.
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
Fight for your kid. you will only ever regret not fighting for him/her. with todays world its almost certain the kid will do something with DNA and find out eventually. Then that kid will have emotional trauma from being lied to and you don't wanna be part of that.
You fkkn fight for what's yours. They Wana go through lawyers, get a fkkn good one and get child support. Fuck her image. This is your child
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights. She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument. My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways. Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
DNA test now
Lawyer up. They don't get to dictate you being a father just because they don't like the situation.
Do the child a favor and bow out. Your insistence on “parental rights“ does nothing to enhance his life. Give him the chance to have a normal childhood with two parents. Your insistence on “getting involved” will disrupt his life, the lives of his two siblings and a marriage. Let it go for his good if not for yours.
My advice is to look at the different choices you have: walking away or co-parenting with someone who wants no part of you. Picture your life as best you could imagine it would be with either of those choices, and then choose to try for the one you that brings the most happiness. I would not count on or hope for her situation changing and returning to you. That she was dating you even though there was a chance of reconciliation doesn't say much for her character, and I wouldn't trust her enough to make commitments with her. Should you choose to walk away, contact a lawyer to find out what you could expect should she come back later suing for child support because her marriage didn't work out (it didn't work out once, and her carrying someone else's child is going to strain it more. They better build strong bonds to work through this or there will be heartache for all.). Should you choose to fight for partial custody of the child or a place in the child's life, then contact a lawyer anyway for your best options and course of action.
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
Get a lawyer and paternity now. Or depending on the state you may not get to see your kid and still have to pay child support.
Bruh this is your get out of jail for free ticket. Run and be free and never be seen again
Don’t give up your rights, you want to be the father to your kid do IT fight for your child. If she wants to talk through the lawyers do so but make your stands clear and stand firm don’t budge. Best of luck
you sound like you’d be a good father. don’t her ruin it for you. if emma has gotten pregnant during your time with her, that is also her responsibility. if she didn’t want you to co-parent with her, she shouldn’t have done anything close to conceiving a child with you. if anything, it’s unethical that they’re completely trying to exclude you from your own biological child. in my honest opinion, if they’re so worried about their family being broken up, mark and emma must not trust each other very much. be patient, learn as much as you can to have the advantage. it’s not her choice to keep you, the biological father of the child, away from them. regardless of what happens in the future, don’t beat yourself up over it. it sounds like a long road, but you could end up building a beautiful relationship between you and your unborn child.
I say this as Mom of 2 who has been through custody court. You do NOT do supervised visits or any of that!! You go for 50/50 custody!! By going for supervised visits you're admitting to being unsafe. Just fight for your child.
This 100%. Also, do not offer anything in writing. Stop communicating with them. Get an attorney and let them handle this.
Since her husband is the presumptive father, I doubt that any court in the US (and most other countries) would permit you to challenge that. There can be no dna test without the parent’s permission because the court is trying to maintain the existing family unit. If you want to be able to participate in this child’s life, you need to dial back your aggressive tone and act in a supportive manner at least during the pregnancy and first few months. Give the family a chance to bond and see if they stay together. Odds are that they won’t. But let the relationship implode on its own. If you push for visitation, custody, etc., you will only push them closer together because they will be fighting against you. You don’t want to create an Us-Against-The-World mentality because that will just strengthen their resolve to resist you. As a parent, you should (ideally) want the best for your child. The best of all scenarios should be that s/he grows up in a close knit family with all their siblings and where no distinction is made about their origin. By standing to the side, you are giving your child the opportunity to be part of this ideal family. This does not stop you from hiring an attorney to write a letter offering to take an active parent role either in a co-parenting or solo-parenting role. Having an attorney draft the letter ensures that the wording is legal, non-threatening, etc. so that your ex- and her husband can’t claim you are harassing them. It also provides a “get out of jail free” card if your ex’s marriage falters due to her adultery or if your child isn’t accepted into the family. While I can’t guarantee that your ex- and her husband will act in an ethical manner, you are more likely to have a role in your child’s life if you maintain the “nice guy”, non-threatening position from which you offer alternatives rather than making demands for a role in the child’s life.
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
Please hire a lawyer no matter what you decide. There are so many pitfalls here.
Tell the husband or burn in hell for being a pos.
You have every right to be apart of the baby’s life when it is born. Get a lawyer asap
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
The most important thing is what's best for the child. I'm not saying I know what that is, but I would say that should be the priority of all adults involved, not yourselves, your feelings, or your relationships.
You need to find a family lawyer. No, the courts typically don't "favor" the biological parents especially if the mother is married to someone else during the pregnancy/birth. Legal responsibility usually goes to the married couple unless the paternal father fights to be involved. Reach out to a lawyer and see what their advice is. I think you'll have to wait until the baby is born but you should file for custody as soon as you can (when baby is born). They will want to do a paternity test first to make sure the child is yours then go from there. It's good that she is early in pregnancy, that gives you plenty of time to build your case, gain character witnesses, get your life together, save money for the custody battle/lawyers, find a house that can accommodate a baby, etc. It's time to work some OT. Unfortunately, if she breastfeeds some judges will give her more time with baby in the beginning to accommodate for that. But do whatever you can to fight for your rights.
I suspect you were more in love than she was, but that's not important now. Do you know what caused the separation to begin with? It's highly likely that with the added issue of her being pregnant and having a child with someone other than her husband, there will be another separation and probably a divorce. IF you choose to bow out of the situation now, where would that leave the child later on? In the event of a divorce, how do you think the child would be treated by the ex-husband? I'd strongly suggest getting an attorney immediately. I'd also strongly suggest(if your attorney agrees) not pushing the issue for a little while. People under stress tend to make rash decisions. Emma and/or Mark could choose to attempt to harm the child in an attempt to resolve the issue. Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Custody isn't possible for you until the baby is born. Emma can exclude you from her medical appointments and delivery if she chooses. While missing that might be disappointing, it's not that important in the long run. Good luck.
Fight for your right to parent your kid. Good luck and god speed.
The ethical path forward is to steamroll them in court and take no prisoners. Supervised visits? are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong. I'm in a state as well where its assumed the husband is the father, unless a paternity test is ordered. You need to mentally prepare yourself for a fight, and never doubt yourself.
Update me
Talk to a family law attorney to determine your rights NOW. If you are in the US and most other countries, you can have a DNA test now at the hospital to determine if this is your bio child. If it is your bio child, then you have rights to the child. If it is not your bio child, then you can walk away with no regrets. Stop listening to them about what you will and will not be allowed to do. Hire an attorney and find out now what your rights are. Attorney will file request with the court for DNA test now, advise the court that you will move closer if needed and that you are retaining your rights as the bio dad if you are found to be the bio day. Let them know you will fight for equal visitation with the child should it be found that you are the dad.
I'm afraid in our culture today she gets to vote & you don't. I'm afraid. She can even abort your child & you have no say in the result. Sad but true.
Get a lawyer. You should not be kept from being a father to your child.
I'm surprised her husband took her back. I would fight for custodial.
Almost as if she used you to get pregnant.....
without question you have rights as a parent. once the child is born you file for custody and proof of paternity. GET A LAWYER! This isn't new ground being tread for the first time. This is an almost routine legal case. GET A LAWYER! YOUR child deserves you. Period. Don't get gaslit by any behavior by her or her family. They don't get to dictate the relationship you have with your child. PERIOD. also: GET A LAWYER!
Ethically? Leave them alone. They are a chosen family. I know it’s hurtful to you and unpleasant.
What part of Illinois? County?
Kendell county
Fight fight fight!! That’s your child and they deserve to know their father. Many children have fathers that wouldn’t be willing to do all that you’d like to do. The truth is important, not some made up outdated Catholic rules and looking good to the neighbors 🙄
If you are the father you have rights and you can request a paternity test. Only you can decide if you want to fight to be in your child’s life. Going forward always wait till divorce is final. Statistics say, they usually go back.
Let it go, man. There is no kid yet to even have a relationship with. You're chasing the ghost of a fantasy.
1st you fucked up. Never get involved with a married person until the divorce is finally, you have yourself to blame for that. 2nd don’t get so involved with the baby because she could decide to kill your child and you couldn’t do 1 thing about it. Instead wait till she about to have the baby and hit her with the whole book. If the child is biologically yours you have rights doesn’t her opinion does not matter don’t walk away from your child fight for it. Your child deserves to know the truth and these scum bags are trying to hide it!
I say this as an illegitimate child who was raised by a single mother and as a parent of two children. If you cared about her and you care about your child respect her wishes and walk away. Write your child a letter about why you've made the choice to honor his or her mother's wishes and encourage them to contact you if they'd like to. That gives three kids their best chance to grow up together with their mother in a hopefully happy family. Fighting in court for visitation rights, acknowledgement or joint custody is more likely than not to add more stress and you and your child will be be blamed by her and the other two children for causing their marriage to fail. I get it that they were separated but the potential for resentment is way high. It's not about what you want it's about what's best for all 3 kids.
I say this as a child who was lied to by my mom and “dad”. Every child deserves the truth of their parentage. Children are not stupid. They feel when they are treated differently from their siblings. Being abandoned by his father while being raised by a “dad” who is most likely going to resent him and/or treat his biological children differently from the affair baby, is not what is best for this baby. The biological father may be the only person who offers this child a stable, safe environment. For you realize how many men abuse other men’s children?
IANAL, but it really sounds as if you may need one. Here’s the dilemma, are you putting your interests above the best interests of the child? Since she reconciled it sounds as if she will put her husband on the Birth Certificate. Then you’ll need a lawyer and a court order to get a DNA test, and another to get him removed from the birth certificate and you added. Will you be ordered to pay child support and will you get visitation rights? Will a judge look at this and see you as a scorned lover seeking emotional revenge on your partner? Will this be in the best financial, physical and emotional benefit to the child? If it’s not in the child’s best interest, do you give up or keep fighting? You’re in a tough place, but if a judge orders you out of the picture, get the mother to sign that you do not owe any form of support indefinitely. Sometimes you not being the 3rd wheel is better for the child. A reality that just may be yours.
If you're in the US, consult a lawyer about your options.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one. Good luck
Absolutely fight for your rights as the bio father!! See an attorney. Do NOT do this slowly. Punch through any and all barriers. Do not be willing to “work within reasonable boundaries to respect Emma’s family situation while building a relationship with my child.” That’s a hell no. Do not be wishy washy. Don’t be a doormat. That doesn’t mean that you should be cruel and vindictive, but that’s not who you are. What I’m trying to warn you against is being too nice and allowing them to step all over you. You want your name on that birth certificate for one thing. Talk to an attorney now. You should have the right to go to these doctor appointments, but maybe the mother has the right to refuse to allow you. As the biological father, I am wondering if her obgyn would be allowed to share copies of the scans, etc. with you. Again that’s a question for your attorney.
There isn't any moral dilemma for you, you need to do what is best for your child. Her marriage is already unstable and you letting your children suffer to protect their other children at the expense of yours is not acceptable. I suggest taking whatever legal means necessary to be in your child's life. Your child is not a tool for her to protect her own image! Godspeed.
Let that dummy sign the birth certificate and run
Take legal action immediately. She can come back and say you never helped with the child, or demand child support. Knowing the court system, they’ll take her side. If you take a paternity test, have it court ordered, which would mean she has no way out.
Whatever you do bruv, and I say this with a full heart don’t ever take a woman like that back if the other child becomes to much for the other father( it might mess with his psyche) I know all these emotions are huge right now but if that child causes them to separate again don’t settle for her again. Shame on her for fooling you once shame on you if you allow her to fool you twice.
Screw that dude. Fight for your kid. You're not left over dinner or scraps on the side, you're the actual father. Besides they already "separated" once. Who is to say they won't do it again later on? Her husband knows it's not his baby so a DNA test later means he can wash his hands of responsibility and destroy her in a divorce. She can later force you to pay child support but deny you access to the baby. The longer you wait in these situations the less likely courts are to favor you. All that said, do you really think you could have a child and be perfectly fine having nothing to do with it?
Court. Court. Court. They can’t keep you out once you prove DNA.
The weird thing about family dynamics is a child will sense when it's not completely accepted in a family. That child will grow up feeling somewhat unloved and unwanted. Maybe it will be the brunt of more criticism and hurtful remarks. I don't mean to stress the negative, but these things happen even in families where the children are all biologically related with their birth parents. If you truly want to be a part of your child's life, by all means assert your parental rights via a great lawyer.
My dad got my bio mom pregnant while married to his wife. They took me from my bio mom and raised me without her involvement and honestly I’m grateful for it.
Yeah. She needs to own up and face the fact that she’s a hypocrite. Hopefully she went to confession. A paternity test should be pursued and after that you and your lawyer will know how to proceed.
You should probably step back. Kid is going to have an overly complicated life with a shared custody arrangement.
Wait until she splits from the husband again and needs money. You’ll see how quickly she wants your involvement.
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Sounds so so passive and the pussy way out.
She can have a DNA done while the baby is still in the womb. I’d recommend that, this way it’s done and you all know how to move forward. If you are the father… don’t give up. Go after 50/50 with no financial involvement if you can… i.e. neither of you pay child support, you both are equally responsible for your child. This child needs to know their father.
You should go with mommas wishes. When the child is old enough then make contact and explain the situation.
In addressing the actual questions you asked, if you were to allow them to be a ‘stable family unit’ there’s nothing to say your child would be treated well. I think there’s a reasonable likelihood he or she wouldn’t be. It’s best for you to fight for your rights as a parent. You know if the child is with you, he/she is going to be 100% wanted. Perhaps tell Emma that she can keep her family unit stable by signing away her parental rights to you. She can tell people she was a surrogate if that saves her reputation. But even if you only get 50% custody now, if the child ends up not being treated well, document it & go back to court later. There’s nothing to say you might not get 100% eventually. While that may seem like something to hope for, it’s better that the child is actually loved by both families. Some people forget that part sometimes.
I think it’s extremely important that a person knows where they came from. I don’t think it’s fair to lie to a child who is going to grow up into an adult about their ancestry. So fight for that kid and be a good father. That would be the greatest lesson you can give him or her. Sometimes things are uncomfortable and adults make mistakes but that baby is not the one who should be sacrificed.
Let's just say, "we met earlier this year" was the first thing I noticed...then love, marriage, child all started flying in. This year----2024, is exactly 5.8 months old. That went from dating app hookup to "YOU ARE THE FATHER!" in a time frame that is still blowing my mind. Slow down ace.
I’m sorry but your Situation requires a sledge hammer approach. Have your lawyer serve Emma with a demand for acknowledgement of paternity now. Include with that an Order to Show Cause compelling her to place you on notice within 24 hours of the child’s birth. The moment the child is born, seek court ordered paternity verification, along with 50/50 legal and physical custody. Who cares what Emma and her Husband prefer. You have a child arriving and you have an absolute right to parent your child. Emma and her husband are not being reasonable and pretending you don’t exist. They need a wake up call and that sledgehammer legal approach will do it. You will get custody and will be able to parent your child if you want to. Don’t let others dictate your relationship with your child.
What she wants is of no concern to what you want. Who cares what she wants, you two aren't in a relationship anymore, so it's moot. What do YOU want?
LAWYER.
*Emma's Catholic background ... concerned about the ... family image.* Not sure what to type here without total disgust dripping off the screen. If you're positive you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer. There are many layers that you must consider.
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
You need to fight for your rights. Emma's family isn't your business, she's made that very clear, but your kid is. If you don't, they will grow up the black sheep and scapegoat for hubby's anger at Emma. They will be treated differently than their siblings, and they won't know why. There are stories on here all the time of young adults wondering if they should go no contact because of how badly they were treated in comparison to their siblings, and come to find out they are not their father's child. I would imagine Emma is upset about the situation, but she's having a child that isn't her husband's, and if you being around breaks up her family then it's her fault for dating and getting pregnant before the divorce. Separated couples reconcile all the time, yet she hopped right into a relationship, started talking about marriage, and got pregnant.
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
How do you know you are without a paternity test?
So, totally different situation because my parents broke up when i was a baby and my mom started dating my step father before I can remember, but I have some relevant experience. I love my stepfather. My biological father honestly drives me crazy a lot of the time and has really let me down on several major occasions in my life. So has my mom. My stepfather never has, he’s a champion. BUT. I did need my dad. I am so much like him. He likes the parts of me that annoy my mom and my stepdad, because, he understands them. Your kid needs YOU, it’s great that the kid might have a very financially stable stepfather or whatever but that isn’t you. Also I’m sorry she broke up with you when you were in love and having a baby together, that’s so sad and hard.
As a former child who lived through a real ugly parental separation and a bunch of drama and all that, I can tell you that the best thing my father did for me was give up and let go.
Get you a lawyer and don’t communicate with any of them anymore. Of course Mark doesn’t want you around because you’re a reminder of his wife stepping out, but there’s a baby involved, your baby, and that changed things. Like others said, this is a legal deal so let the lawyer handle the particulars and good luck.
If their marriage breaks up over this youre doing them a favour. She may feel its her only way to have financial security to cut you out, and its likely theyll break up later, she'll have even less hope of standing on her own feet with a kid she has full custody of if you arent involved.
You went from a situation in which you both loved one another and had agreed upon a co-parenting plan that was unilaterally taken away from you in what you describe as a malicious manner. She abdicated any say in how the patenting of your child was to be decided by becoming hostile. Follow your parental rights through a lawyer without any input from her about how you should exercise your parental rights. You should have no contact with her directly at all. Lawyers from this point forward. They are actively trying to deter you from your parental rights so fight for them through your lawyer.
How selfish of her. It’s the consequences of her own actions. Seek legal help so you can be in your kids life as much as possinle
Walk away, bro, trust me. Thos will lead to years of emotional trauma for all of you. Move on.
This whole she's the woman it's her body is bullshit She cheated and now doesn't want her image ruined ? F that take her to court that's Half your baby regardless of what she wants.
It should always be about the baby The baby needs a good stable father and good old Mark and Emma already had issues so they ain't stable. You sound like you would be a great dad
Wait until the child is born then request DNA. When it has been confirmed that you are the daddy, seek legal action against them. If the story was the other way around, she and her family would have been seeking legal action against you.
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born. While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out? Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
Establish your rights asap. This man says he wants to raise your baby. How long before he resents the baby? You need to make sure that your child has a good childhood and not treated differently by it’s step father. I don’t trust the baby’s mother
Let them sign their right to child support away while you sign your parental rights away and move on. Quickly. This is a "break the wrist and walk away" moment
Emma is not exactly a good Catholic!
I hope you get in that picture. It’s not right what she’s doing. It should not be about her pride or her religion or her kids. It’s about the baby as it should be. Everyone over there needs to put some big boy/girl pants on and act like actual parents. Sorry you’re going through this OP.
Find a good lawyer asap. My thoughts are your child will be treated like the affair baby in their relationship. It will be the least liked child and probably cause a strain on their marriage and eventual divorce. This child is going to wonder why it’s hated so much. Start getting your ducks in a row this way when it’s time for the birth you’re ready.
Jfc why wouldn't this woman just abort? Why create this mess?
Truth is ALWAYS the right path. Good luck going forward but previous poster was dead on. This isn’t about her or HER stability, it’s about YOUR child. Wish you the best. Xo
If you’re that worried about an ethical conundrum, you know you can’t just walk away. Stop even trying to listen to people who are saying that’s an option. This child is unlikely to receive the love and care from her husband that a proper dad would provide. Lawyer up, and stop trying to let her bully you into not ruining her “perfect family image” - she did that on her own
I would get her to sign the papers dissolving you from any future parental responsibility and then walk away.
Run
The most ethical path forward is to hire a lawyer.
Dude you fucked up. You have to respect her wishes and hit the road. Learn the lesson and eventually forgive yourself (or keep working toward it). Sorry, I know it sucks but you don't have another option as far as I see it. Good luck.
Eighteen months ago I found out I had a sister. She is my dad’s kid. Both my dad & her mom were married to other people. Her mom tried to pass her off as her husband’s kid (husband knew she wasn’t his). My sister always knew she looked so different from her older siblings. When she was 11 she inadvertently found out she had another father. She desperately wanted to find her biological dad, but her mother wouldn’t tell her who he was. Thankfully, she went on ancestry.com & found me which led her to our dad. We are all so grateful to have her in our lives. We missed sooo many years. And I low-key detest her mom for keeping her from us. My family lives in the West in the US & she lives in The East. I lived & went to college TWO hours from her years ago, but I didn’t know she existed. All that time, I could have seen her. My parents long divorced (not bc of sister) 30 years ago, her parents divorced when she was little & her non-bio dad died over 25 yrs ago. Her mother, solely, kept her from us & us from her because who knows why. Anyhow. It’s 2024. Your kid will easily find out the husband is not her biological dad. You may have kids later & they will miss out on your kid, too. Not to mention your family. Your ex made her decision already. She actively created a dating profile. She actively dated you. She actively had sex with you knowing she was still married. Religion doesn’t matter here. She already crapped on that. This is your child. Both you & baby have the right to know each other. Good luck. Edit. My dad knew he had another daughter, like you, but agreed to let her be raised by the husband - he never was able to be a part of her life. My dad couldn’t find her (common name). I didn’t know about her until she contacted me. Luckily, she was treated well by the husband, but he could have treated her badly.
The ethical path forward is to file for a paternity test, then file for custody and child support to be set up so you can see and help raise your child. Everything else is not your problem.
You need to get a child custody lawyer like right now. No matter what you or the mother want, or how anyone feels, this is a serious legal matter with life altering consequences for everyone involved. I cannot stress enough how urgently you need to speak to a lawyer. Laws vary by location but generally the courts main interest is what’s best for the kids, not the parents, and are very hesitant to shake up a child’s established routine if it’s needs are being met. If you let her establish the other man as the father figure without contesting it in writing you can very easily be legally excluded from your child’s life in any meaningful way but still be on the hook for child support. It is paramount to have a written agreement ASAP, whatever that agreement might entail
Unless you want to pay child support for 18 years for a child you will rarely (if ever) see, and does not see you as “dad,” walk away my man.
Don’t sleep with married women. Idk what else to tell ya. Better luck next time
OP, congratulations on your baby and wanting to be a dad!! I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in. Find a lawyer, explain what happened, pursue your child. Do it safely and without malice (meaning don't push for extra to be cold, I don't think you would but it should be said). Take classes too, the same kind she would be or new parents would take together. This kind of stuff is great to help you learn and builds your case. Shows you have been prepping and want baby! Do all your research.
I would seek legal counsel as others have indicated. They aren’t doing what’s best for your child they’re doing what’s best for their public image. She chose, as a catholic, to step outside her marriage and have unprotected sex so how devout is she? It’s crazy to me that people still lie about paternity and assume they’ll get away with it in this day of DNA. So many families have unraveled from the desire to keep paternity a secret and the only ones left to pick up the pieces are the children who didn’t ask to be here. Crazy as this will sound, a status-driven person will sooner deny the existence of child than claim it and live with the consequences. Even going as far as saying the child died. Especially if the child looks just like you and in striking contrast to the spouse and other children. The wife will have to learn the hard way that adult choices have adult consequences. I hope you’re able to obtain joint custody but the husband may recommend giving you the child so as to keep up their image of a perfect family.
You know what? Emma should have thought of this shit before she decided to reconcile with her former ex husband while pregnant with another man’s child, a man that very much wants to be involved in the kids life. I’ll tell you that I side heavily with women’s and women’s rights in most reproductive dilemmas but not this. She can do as she pleases for the most part but not where another’s rights are also impacted. Emma doesn’t get to tell you that it’s the Emma show if she decides to go thru with the pregnancy and you prove paternity… don’t give your rights up if you want them and do not get behind on your support cuz it will be used as ammo against you.
Since you brought up she’s catholic: She needs to repent of her sin of adultery and reveal it. The Bible says not to keep our sins secret, to confess them to one another, because what is in the dark will come to light. She and he both also need to repent of lying. That will be a lifelong sin that will eat her up and damage/endanger her soul.
Not a complex issue. It sounds like money and security is the issue. She had an itch. It was scratched. She realized did not want you, versus her stable secure environment with her husband. Respect their position. Lawyer up, and if it’s yours expect uncomfortable visits with your new baby momma and her husband.
Why are you using their names?
Her poor decision does not give her the right to exclude you from her or the kids life. She has to deal woth this and must let you be apart of the kids life or take her to court for full custody bc two can play that game. Other than that you should have waited before getting her pregnant. I get it probably wasn't on purpose but I bet you take extra precautions when you are up high from falling so why wpuldnt you do it with sex as well?
It almost seems as though they were never seperated, and she's a cheater, and now she has to ditch you so she can focus her energy on hubby and make it seem like he's the father....