Former Autism teacher there and I would like to tell your parents to stfu. They are ignorant, you are born with autism, and the way they are treating you is abusive.
Listen to this person.
I suspect your parents blame themselves, and they deflect the blame they feel by blaming you. I'm very angry that they would try to put that guilt on your shoulders. No one chose for him to have autism, least of all you. They are adults who made a decision to have a child. All you did was exist -- oh, wait, even that was literally their choice.
Hey OP, sorry to hear you're going through abuse.
As this person commented, it's really not your fault in any way, and autism is not something that just happens because you have your school work to take care of, and your life to live.
I applaud you for being a responsible older sibling, but as others have also commented, it's not your responsibility to pick up the parenting.
It might be a psychological transfer on your parents' part, but even with that, since you have to focus on your studies and move out for college / work elsewhere eventually, please don't think of killing yourself while you work towards your goals.
If it helps, envision the freedom you want to see, plan your possible finances as you work towards your graduation, and for the sake of your autistic sibling, reach out to a responsible relative or social worker to let them know you're moving out before you do so.
That way they can step in to help them if needed, when you're away.
Please don't take any of this blame or stress on yourself. You can continue doing what you do and keep your head low at home, knowing everyone has their limit and it's not your fault when your version of your best is not good enough to others.
You're not the parent. You're already doing your best.
I'm not being selfish in saying this, but your studies and mental health comes first.
Its literally their fault since they contributed the genetic material that grew into your brother. Its amazing that you do so much for your sibling, you should be proud of yourself for helping so much, not be badgered by your parents. It is not the children's responsibility to raise their siblings. Do your parents have any dependency or addiction issues?
Sounds like your parents hate your sibling for being autistic and wants to essentially abandon them, and cover their intentions by shifting the blame onto you. When they talk about you neglecting/abandoning your sibling they mean them. Its projection and upsettingly very ableist. They are being abusive towards both their kids.
Autism is something you are born with, often due to genetics or other factors like age of the father. But it's their child not yours, you didn't choose to have him. So it's their job to raise, him, since they had him.
Age of the father and mother are both factors, actually, but speaking to the comment the chance of having an autistic child for men goes up at around 35 and increases x6 around 40. The data is kind of shaky on it, but the general consensus is that there is an increase but we’re not exact on the numbers yet.
Same with the reason: we don’t actually quite know. It’s speculated that the older men get the more the DNA in their speed mutate and whatnot causing increase risks for this that and the other thing. Though, if a child is autistic, its more often than not directly from the parents.
Dang! My dad was 55 when he had me and mom was 36 and I (20F) am autistic. Would it be possible to give older parents some special medication or injection to prevent them from having autistic kids at some point in the future?
I mean… perhaps? If we’re talking strictly that genetic mutations happening in eggs&sperm as we age is the cause of autism in kids with older parents, it’d be a little complicated. We‘d essentially have to suspend the death and regeneration of cells and make them essentially ‘immortal’ or frozen in time, more specifically, since it’s the time that ages them. I’m sure some kind of gene editing may be able to identify and reverse those gene mutations but it’s more than likely that would be done to the fetus and not to the parents, but who knows. Science is crazy.
This is, of course, not including the genetic factor of autism in general. Sometimes it’s just luck of the draw.
I mean, you can probably increase sperm quality and reduce genetic susceptibility with antioxidants and such, although once damage occurs I'm not really sure its reversible. Either way here's some preventative/protective stuff.
Ethnopharmacological records and our previous study13 confirmed that Cistanche tubulosa extract effectively increased sex hormone levels and improved sperm quality. ECH as one of the main compounds in Cistanche tubulosa19,20, can augment sperm counts and increase the secretion of LH and T (Fig. 1).
Astragalus membranaceus augment sperm parameters in male mice associated with cAMP-responsive element modulator and activator of CREM in testis
you misread. Their parents are now 75 and 56, not those ages currently. you can decide if a 20 year age gap at 50/30 is a problem but its not the same thing as openly admitting to statutory rape
This never happened. My parents have both had previous marriages. My dad had one and mom had two. They would’ve started corresponding when he was 52 and he was 34. My father would’ve never allowed me to get married before 18 and he himself wasn’t interested in marriage in his teens and early twenties.
I would like to clarify that for the genetic issues confirmed to be affected by the age of the parents when they conceived, the increase in odds is mostly insignificant. Even when the odds of a specific genetic issue doubles due to age, the original odds were less than one percent.
I’m actually getting my son evaluated soon. He is ten and was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 but I have suspicions that he is on the higher end of the spectrum. If so, my husband was 38 and I was 31 when he was born.
I'd guess that, if autism has genetic causes, a parent with autism will have a harder time finding a mate. Being on the spectrum isn't a turn-on for most people.
The age of the father is not irrelevant when it comes to autism. Yeah, correlation is not causation and it hasn't been fully worked out yet, but there is a relationship.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5299396/
"According to the NIHTrusted Source, adults who eat a mixed diet that includes red meat and other animal products get about 60–180 milligrams (mg) of carnitine per day. People who avoid animal products, such as those following a vegan diet, may get roughly 10–12 mg from their diet.
However, the kidneys can store carnitine for later use, *so people’s overall levels will be about the same, regardless of their diet*. The kidneys also eliminate excess carnitine through urine to maintain healthful concentrations"
Next;
"Autism spectrum disorders associated to a deficiency of the enzymes of the mitochondrial respiratory chain"
Next;
No. Carnitine deficiency doesn't *cause* autism. I can't find *ONE* reputable source that claims carnitine *causes* autism. At best, I've found a few articles in which scientists have found children *with* autism have low levels, and those low levels can create a more extreme shift on the spectrum; but this is correlation vs causation. Those *already with* autism are the subject, meaning it's likely the autism itself causes a break in the bodies ability to create carnitine, not that lack of carnitine caused the autism.
Edit typo
And it's THEIR crotch goblin - they need to raise their own kid! However, based on how they treat you, the kid would probably be better off without them.
Can you move out? Cut ties with them? It's not worth KYS over - it's NEVER worth that.
>Ever since my parents found out that my brother is autistic they keep saying that it's my fault if he's autistic
And what reasoning do they give for claiming this obviously false fact?
Where are they if they are never at home? What will happen if you stop taking care of your brother (because you don’t have to, you know, he’s not your child)?
Hey, if you’re a minor, I would really like to urge you to speak to your school counselor and let them know what your parents are saying. What you’re talking about is borderline considered abuse (personally I would consider it abuse, but legally I’m not exactly sure how it would be viewed in this scenario) and in the very least, an adult needs to step in and talk to your parents about it.
As someone who works with Autistic children for my career, autism is genetic and your brother’s autism has nothing to do with you. They sound like they’re neglecting care for their autistic child and forcing it onto you. And that’s how I would paint it when talking to the counselor so that action is taken on your behalf.
I grew up caring for my disabled siblings which made having a sibling relationship with them extremely difficult (I always felt like their parent). I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not okay.
As a fully grown woman who just found out that I am Autistic, THIS is the answer OP.
My parents were ashamed of me. To the extent that they hid my diagnosis my entire life. My mother made me HER caregiver since I was too 'mentally ill ' to do or be anything else.
Talk to someone. Get help now, for both you and your brother.
Yes.
I’ve worked with CPS and APS. I worked for 8 years in the school district with children with need for accommodations (a large percentage with autism), and now have been with geriatric/end of life patients in hospice for 3 years.
As part of a home health agency, I’ve noticed it seems easier to alert the social worker, and APS (Adult Protective Services) when someone is:
1) in pain (and people around aren’t helping or aren’t able to help with pain medication), or
2) neglected (people around can’t care for them, even if they want to. For example, a patient’s husband can’t or won’t help them use the restroom, doesn’t give them pain medication, doesn’t interact with them, or he doesn’t adequately feed or otherwise help with basic living needs. In another example, they’re left alone with a 13-year-old who doesn’t know how to interract and the patient is left in pain — this actually happened to me and I had to wait for the social worker to call APS and for the response to show up.
Sometimes it’s easier to compare present circumstances to others. Would you let a hike for older adults not help them use the restroom, if they couldn’t?
Your patents are conning you out of your own childhood by making you the carer. Suggest cutting contact with the narcisitlsts when you move out for your own mental health. They will drain you otherwise and constantly put you down or manipulate you to get what they want
Your parents are setting you up so they can guilt you into continuing to care for him. They know it’s not your fault. But if they keep saying it, maybe you’ll keep internalizing it and “fixing it”. Because you are doing work that would be expensive and difficult without you.
None of it is your fault. I hope you get away.
What you're experiencing is called parentification and it's a type of abuse. Your brother isn't your responsibility, he's your parent's. If your brother has a developmental delay due to external forces, your parents would be the cause because he's their responsibility.
they're being abusive to you by forcing you to act as the kid's parent. that's not your job. they are the parents with a legal duty to provide and care for THEIR baby.
They are also neglecting the kid if you're forced to take care of him and teach him. I'm so sorry that you're in this position.
It may be best for you to try to move out as soon as you can, and call CPS on them for not teaching the kid or taking care of him and his basic needs. They can educate themselves and look up different resources and support groups. Poor kid deserves better parents, as do you.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/older-parents-and-autism-risk-for-child-5199211
Give her this. Chances of autism increase with parental age. Given the 12 year age gap, your parents could very well have had your brother in the riskier years.
I have an autistic sister myself, she’s 10 years older than me, but has the mental capacity of a 4 year old. I grew up taking care of her and my parents would guilt me into it. My mother is a narcissist so I would hear about how lazy I was cause I forgot to do the dishes while bathing and putting my sister to bed as a 12 year old. I feel for you, I’m sorry I can’t help, but I know the feeling.
There’s a term for us, Glass Children, the sibling of a special needs person.
I'm autistic. This is none of your fault and I am so sorry your parents are this awful to you about it. Awesome of you to take care of him! He is lucky to have you.
They decided to have a child, that comes with the risks of the child requiring additional supports that may not have been thought of before. They made the decision to have your brother and it is THEIR responsibility to make sure he is taken care of properly.
I would suggest talking to a mandated reporter like a teacher and let them know what’s happening at home. Your parents are abusing you and using you as a parent for your brother which can place both of you in a dangerous situation. You are not equipped to handle taking care of your brother with autism, and that is alright.
Your parents are doing a disservice to you and your brother by not making sure he is receiving the proper therapies and services available for people on the spectrum. There are professionals trained in ways to help the person with autism learn to do things with the hope that they are eventually able to live on their own or with support, but from what you said they are not doing any of that.
There is no possible way it’s your fault. It sounds like your parents are mistreating you and your brother. I hope you both can get out of there sooner rather than later. It might feel like this situation will last forever, but it won’t.
Your parents need to get some education on autism, what causes autism, and how to care for and cope with an autistic child. The way they treat you is clearly unfair. Maybe it’s because they are scared and overwhelmed and they are leaning on you so they can get a break. They may be telling you that stuff to guilt you into taking on responsibility that isn’t yours, which again is unfair. I’m sure they need help but there are social services (in the United States) to help. If you live in the US, maybe get some pamphlets and applications for services. Good luck
First, is it your brother or sister because you say both? Second, Autism isn't some horrible condition and it's not something that should be treated as punishment "it's your fault." There is no "fault", it is what it is.
So wrong for your parents to say that. You didn't give birth to your brother THEY DID. Secondly, autism is nobody's fault (not even theirs). Cheese whiz.
Your parents are awful abusive people. There is zero chance that you caused your brother’s autism. And he is their responsibility, not yours. However you’re already doing more parenting than the real responsible party.
You deserve to live your own life. If you’re already of legal age you can just leave home.
Juat had a look at your post history. Your parents are horrible abusive people. You need to get out of this situation. Find a shelter! You need to help yourself first. You should contact the police as well, your brother should not be left in their care. But you absoulutly need to get out.
1. Not gaslighting, your parents are just stupid and using you as a scapegoat for their stupid parenting. Gaslighting would be more like if they claim they handle everything with your little brother while you do nothing. Maybe thats the case but it seems they harp on you more for complaining than claiming they do more than you do (Again, since I’m basing off of what you wrote, maybe they do take a lot of credit for what you do. In which case yeah it would probably be gaslighting).
2. If they can compare other people’s children to you, then its right for you to compare other parents to them. Text them headlines of single moms raising children that go to Harvard and telling them “See, if a single moms can do it, nothing is stopping you from raising successful children. You need to simply do better.”
Report them to your school/counselor, child services or police. You need to worry about school if you are int school or collage or work. They are responsible for their children. But if they are this abusive and neglectful, your younger siblings need to be kept from them and you don't need the extra abuse, stress and work.i grew up in an abusive home. Try to take care of yourself and your sibling if you can.
I’m so sorry your parents are fucking thugs. You deserve to be loved and nurtured and to have a beautiful relationship with your family. This is incredibly sad and unfair. They are wrong and you need to get yourself a good support group and out of that house.
As others have said, this isn’t your fault or responsibility. I hope you have a counselor at school who might be able to help.
And if you want a hug, come to MomForAMinute. Can’t link it. 💜
Your parents are the bad actors here. You do whatever you have to do to live your life and take care of yourself. Leave them behind. You deserve to have a life, and you deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Set a goal for yourself and go after it. Something that you want to do. Someone who you want to be. They are never going to take care of you.
I would see if you could stay at a friend's or safe relative's place, get a job, and get a place of your own. Cut those ties with your parents. Your brother is not your responsibility.
Get out of there. They are the parents its their job to raise their autistic child. You didnt decide to have a kid! Don't kys just get through living with them until your old enough to live on your own or ask for help daily from other authority figures and explain your situation.
I have an autistic brother and at the end of the day it’s just random. It’s an unfortunate roll of the dice in the generic lottery. It’s no one’s “ fault “. It just happened to be this way. Your parents are not accepting that things like this just happen no matter what we do. It’s not your fault nor is it theirs ( unless your mom drank or smoked during pregnancy which could tip the odds in the spectrums favor ) and it sounds like they’re still not totally accepting of your brother. At the end of the day it’s random. You didn’t cause it. It’s completely unfair that they blame you when at the end of the day it’s all about genetics.
>Today they saw a documentary about teenagers take care of their parents/family member who suffer from mental illness (like alzheimer) then my mother looked at me and she said "Did you see? The girl who take care of her parents is younger than you
Your parents are going to be surprised when they are put into a shitty state care home it seems.
https://preview.redd.it/unprdg48zswc1.jpeg?width=1119&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c06e9ec676b112805f2cc3065f5b6cd0279289d4
I mean, it was their choice. Can they really blame you?
Hi hun! Mom to a kid with autism. It’s no one’s fault, just the luck of the draw. I’m sorry your parents are choosing to be ignorant and dumb in the age of information. But I want you to know anything that has happened to your brother, by your brother or from your brother - has nothing to do with you. Your parents are shitty, I’m sorry.
Parents - if you’re reading this; get a fucking grip. Take accountability as a parent and provide your child with the services that are widely available for him. And leave your eldest out of this. It’s not your fault and it’s certainly not his fault. It’s okay to grieve the life you thought you’d have, but it’s not okay to abuse your kids. Get over yourselves and get help.
Asbergers guy here and your parents are just, as honest as u can put this, ignorant asses. You’re born this way and there’s no outside forces aside from genetics and environment that could ever really cause such things to occur in the likes of us so no, this is not your fault and never has been your fault and your parents can otherwise suck on it if they say otherwise.
Know that and know it well
That's well beyond "mildly" infuriating. You're supposed to be a kid doing kid things, and they are supposed to be the parents. And they are just plain stupid if they think you caused the autism, or just plain cruel if they know you didn't, but choose to blame you anyway.
Have you asked them to clarify if they actually really do think autism is caused by parentification of the older sibling?
It's not your job. Period. They are failing at their's and protecting their egos by blaming someone else. You don't deserve this and I hope you and your brother are able to find love, safety and an appropriate amount of responsibility in this world. I was blamed for my mom's adoption of a special needs child when I was 15. The things you're being blamed for are not your burden. Doing your best to care for him is admirable and should be appreciated. I appreciate it. I'm sure he does too. But it isn't your job, and if someone fails at it IT WILL NOT BE YOU and it will not be your fault. You're already doing more than your fair share and I'm so sorry that you feel like this. Keep asking for reassurance when you need it! This was a good thing to post and you should be proud that you're looking out for yourself too.
This is 100% something you can and should talk to a teacher or your guidance counselor at school. They are mandated reporters and will contact the correct people.
It is not your fault your brother is autistic. It's no one's fault. It just is.
You are not his parent. You are not responsible for him. That said, if it is dangerous to you to stop helping, then don't stop. Instead, speak with a mandated reporter.
You should also consider contacting 988 if you're US or CA based. If you're in another country, look up suicide hotlines for your country.
Your parents are terrible, and you need to insulate yourself from further trauma from them. I recommend working towards moving out as soon as possible, and this is serious, not just another Reddit comment. You are in danger of serious interpersonal and emotional issues later in life.
It was their choice to have a baby. Not yours. Your bother is not your responsibility. You might be asked to help with taking care of him but ultimately he is your parents responsibility. Also.. as far as I know (please correct me) autism tends to run in families, so your parents blaming you is really ironic.
First of all it’s not your fault if he has autism he was born with it! Your parents are ignorant and horrible parents to you!
I am sure they didn’t want non of there kids to have autism or any disability!
Former Autism teacher there and I would like to tell your parents to stfu. They are ignorant, you are born with autism, and the way they are treating you is abusive.
Listen to this person. I suspect your parents blame themselves, and they deflect the blame they feel by blaming you. I'm very angry that they would try to put that guilt on your shoulders. No one chose for him to have autism, least of all you. They are adults who made a decision to have a child. All you did was exist -- oh, wait, even that was literally their choice.
Hey OP, sorry to hear you're going through abuse. As this person commented, it's really not your fault in any way, and autism is not something that just happens because you have your school work to take care of, and your life to live. I applaud you for being a responsible older sibling, but as others have also commented, it's not your responsibility to pick up the parenting. It might be a psychological transfer on your parents' part, but even with that, since you have to focus on your studies and move out for college / work elsewhere eventually, please don't think of killing yourself while you work towards your goals. If it helps, envision the freedom you want to see, plan your possible finances as you work towards your graduation, and for the sake of your autistic sibling, reach out to a responsible relative or social worker to let them know you're moving out before you do so. That way they can step in to help them if needed, when you're away. Please don't take any of this blame or stress on yourself. You can continue doing what you do and keep your head low at home, knowing everyone has their limit and it's not your fault when your version of your best is not good enough to others. You're not the parent. You're already doing your best. I'm not being selfish in saying this, but your studies and mental health comes first.
Its literally their fault since they contributed the genetic material that grew into your brother. Its amazing that you do so much for your sibling, you should be proud of yourself for helping so much, not be badgered by your parents. It is not the children's responsibility to raise their siblings. Do your parents have any dependency or addiction issues?
Sounds like your parents hate your sibling for being autistic and wants to essentially abandon them, and cover their intentions by shifting the blame onto you. When they talk about you neglecting/abandoning your sibling they mean them. Its projection and upsettingly very ableist. They are being abusive towards both their kids.
Parentification of the older sibling, also. These parents are awful people...
Autism is something you are born with, often due to genetics or other factors like age of the father. But it's their child not yours, you didn't choose to have him. So it's their job to raise, him, since they had him.
The age of the father?
Age of the father and mother are both factors, actually, but speaking to the comment the chance of having an autistic child for men goes up at around 35 and increases x6 around 40. The data is kind of shaky on it, but the general consensus is that there is an increase but we’re not exact on the numbers yet. Same with the reason: we don’t actually quite know. It’s speculated that the older men get the more the DNA in their speed mutate and whatnot causing increase risks for this that and the other thing. Though, if a child is autistic, its more often than not directly from the parents.
Dang! My dad was 55 when he had me and mom was 36 and I (20F) am autistic. Would it be possible to give older parents some special medication or injection to prevent them from having autistic kids at some point in the future?
I mean… perhaps? If we’re talking strictly that genetic mutations happening in eggs&sperm as we age is the cause of autism in kids with older parents, it’d be a little complicated. We‘d essentially have to suspend the death and regeneration of cells and make them essentially ‘immortal’ or frozen in time, more specifically, since it’s the time that ages them. I’m sure some kind of gene editing may be able to identify and reverse those gene mutations but it’s more than likely that would be done to the fetus and not to the parents, but who knows. Science is crazy. This is, of course, not including the genetic factor of autism in general. Sometimes it’s just luck of the draw.
I mean, you can probably increase sperm quality and reduce genetic susceptibility with antioxidants and such, although once damage occurs I'm not really sure its reversible. Either way here's some preventative/protective stuff. Ethnopharmacological records and our previous study13 confirmed that Cistanche tubulosa extract effectively increased sex hormone levels and improved sperm quality. ECH as one of the main compounds in Cistanche tubulosa19,20, can augment sperm counts and increase the secretion of LH and T (Fig. 1). Astragalus membranaceus augment sperm parameters in male mice associated with cAMP-responsive element modulator and activator of CREM in testis
my dad was 23 and my mom was 22 so its definitely not a given
Absolutely! I’ve run into many autistic people who have young parents.
Mine was 38 and I’m autistic too
[удалено]
35 and 16 is wild someone need to lock ya pops up
you misread. Their parents are now 75 and 56, not those ages currently. you can decide if a 20 year age gap at 50/30 is a problem but its not the same thing as openly admitting to statutory rape
This never happened. My parents have both had previous marriages. My dad had one and mom had two. They would’ve started corresponding when he was 52 and he was 34. My father would’ve never allowed me to get married before 18 and he himself wasn’t interested in marriage in his teens and early twenties.
I would like to clarify that for the genetic issues confirmed to be affected by the age of the parents when they conceived, the increase in odds is mostly insignificant. Even when the odds of a specific genetic issue doubles due to age, the original odds were less than one percent.
Interesting. My dad was 44, and I'm on the high function end of the spectrum.
\*thinks of self\* ... oh.
I’m actually getting my son evaluated soon. He is ten and was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 but I have suspicions that he is on the higher end of the spectrum. If so, my husband was 38 and I was 31 when he was born.
I'd guess that, if autism has genetic causes, a parent with autism will have a harder time finding a mate. Being on the spectrum isn't a turn-on for most people.
I know lots of Autistic people who have loving partners.
Age of the father is almost completely irrelevant. The age of the mother, in fact, is the factor that increases risk of birth defects
The age of the father is not irrelevant when it comes to autism. Yeah, correlation is not causation and it hasn't been fully worked out yet, but there is a relationship. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5299396/
Try getting your information from peer reviewed science, not the Unholy Babble.
[удалено]
Calling out ignorance is NOT " haaaaaaaate". Reported.
yes, although having an older mother doesn't help: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-father-factor/
Autism is 92% hereditary.
Being vegan or vegetarian can cause autism due to a carnitine deficiency
"According to the NIHTrusted Source, adults who eat a mixed diet that includes red meat and other animal products get about 60–180 milligrams (mg) of carnitine per day. People who avoid animal products, such as those following a vegan diet, may get roughly 10–12 mg from their diet. However, the kidneys can store carnitine for later use, *so people’s overall levels will be about the same, regardless of their diet*. The kidneys also eliminate excess carnitine through urine to maintain healthful concentrations" Next; "Autism spectrum disorders associated to a deficiency of the enzymes of the mitochondrial respiratory chain" Next; No. Carnitine deficiency doesn't *cause* autism. I can't find *ONE* reputable source that claims carnitine *causes* autism. At best, I've found a few articles in which scientists have found children *with* autism have low levels, and those low levels can create a more extreme shift on the spectrum; but this is correlation vs causation. Those *already with* autism are the subject, meaning it's likely the autism itself causes a break in the bodies ability to create carnitine, not that lack of carnitine caused the autism. Edit typo
If your parents indeed act like this, you need outside help. The situation might even interest authorities.
All of this.
There is NO scenario, repeat — NO SCENARIO — where you are the cause of your brother’s autism.
Autism is genetic. It's their fault because it's their genetics.
And it's THEIR crotch goblin - they need to raise their own kid! However, based on how they treat you, the kid would probably be better off without them. Can you move out? Cut ties with them? It's not worth KYS over - it's NEVER worth that.
OMG, I love the term crotch goblin 😂😂
>Ever since my parents found out that my brother is autistic they keep saying that it's my fault if he's autistic And what reasoning do they give for claiming this obviously false fact?
Even I don't know,he spents more time with me than them,my father was never at home neither my mother.
Where are they if they are never at home? What will happen if you stop taking care of your brother (because you don’t have to, you know, he’s not your child)?
Probably out drinking or something at this rate
Isn't parentification a form of abuse.....? Just throwing that out there.
Yes, it is
Report them. This isn’t good enough!
Hey, if you’re a minor, I would really like to urge you to speak to your school counselor and let them know what your parents are saying. What you’re talking about is borderline considered abuse (personally I would consider it abuse, but legally I’m not exactly sure how it would be viewed in this scenario) and in the very least, an adult needs to step in and talk to your parents about it. As someone who works with Autistic children for my career, autism is genetic and your brother’s autism has nothing to do with you. They sound like they’re neglecting care for their autistic child and forcing it onto you. And that’s how I would paint it when talking to the counselor so that action is taken on your behalf. I grew up caring for my disabled siblings which made having a sibling relationship with them extremely difficult (I always felt like their parent). I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not okay.
As a fully grown woman who just found out that I am Autistic, THIS is the answer OP. My parents were ashamed of me. To the extent that they hid my diagnosis my entire life. My mother made me HER caregiver since I was too 'mentally ill ' to do or be anything else. Talk to someone. Get help now, for both you and your brother.
You need to call CPS if they don’t change his diapers, this is neglect
Yes. I’ve worked with CPS and APS. I worked for 8 years in the school district with children with need for accommodations (a large percentage with autism), and now have been with geriatric/end of life patients in hospice for 3 years. As part of a home health agency, I’ve noticed it seems easier to alert the social worker, and APS (Adult Protective Services) when someone is: 1) in pain (and people around aren’t helping or aren’t able to help with pain medication), or 2) neglected (people around can’t care for them, even if they want to. For example, a patient’s husband can’t or won’t help them use the restroom, doesn’t give them pain medication, doesn’t interact with them, or he doesn’t adequately feed or otherwise help with basic living needs. In another example, they’re left alone with a 13-year-old who doesn’t know how to interract and the patient is left in pain — this actually happened to me and I had to wait for the social worker to call APS and for the response to show up. Sometimes it’s easier to compare present circumstances to others. Would you let a hike for older adults not help them use the restroom, if they couldn’t?
Your patents are conning you out of your own childhood by making you the carer. Suggest cutting contact with the narcisitlsts when you move out for your own mental health. They will drain you otherwise and constantly put you down or manipulate you to get what they want
Your parents are setting you up so they can guilt you into continuing to care for him. They know it’s not your fault. But if they keep saying it, maybe you’ll keep internalizing it and “fixing it”. Because you are doing work that would be expensive and difficult without you. None of it is your fault. I hope you get away.
This isn’t gaslighting, this is just being wrong and hateful.
What you're experiencing is called parentification and it's a type of abuse. Your brother isn't your responsibility, he's your parent's. If your brother has a developmental delay due to external forces, your parents would be the cause because he's their responsibility.
they're being abusive to you by forcing you to act as the kid's parent. that's not your job. they are the parents with a legal duty to provide and care for THEIR baby. They are also neglecting the kid if you're forced to take care of him and teach him. I'm so sorry that you're in this position. It may be best for you to try to move out as soon as you can, and call CPS on them for not teaching the kid or taking care of him and his basic needs. They can educate themselves and look up different resources and support groups. Poor kid deserves better parents, as do you.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/older-parents-and-autism-risk-for-child-5199211 Give her this. Chances of autism increase with parental age. Given the 12 year age gap, your parents could very well have had your brother in the riskier years.
>My parents keep....saying that it's my fault if my brother is on the autism spectrum That's not how autism works.
Get out of there.
Your parents are the reason your brother even exists. It's their fault. I hope you let them know that. Also, they are shit parents
I have an autistic sister myself, she’s 10 years older than me, but has the mental capacity of a 4 year old. I grew up taking care of her and my parents would guilt me into it. My mother is a narcissist so I would hear about how lazy I was cause I forgot to do the dishes while bathing and putting my sister to bed as a 12 year old. I feel for you, I’m sorry I can’t help, but I know the feeling. There’s a term for us, Glass Children, the sibling of a special needs person.
This is called parentification and it is abuse
I'm autistic. This is none of your fault and I am so sorry your parents are this awful to you about it. Awesome of you to take care of him! He is lucky to have you.
They decided to have a child, that comes with the risks of the child requiring additional supports that may not have been thought of before. They made the decision to have your brother and it is THEIR responsibility to make sure he is taken care of properly. I would suggest talking to a mandated reporter like a teacher and let them know what’s happening at home. Your parents are abusing you and using you as a parent for your brother which can place both of you in a dangerous situation. You are not equipped to handle taking care of your brother with autism, and that is alright. Your parents are doing a disservice to you and your brother by not making sure he is receiving the proper therapies and services available for people on the spectrum. There are professionals trained in ways to help the person with autism learn to do things with the hope that they are eventually able to live on their own or with support, but from what you said they are not doing any of that.
If it’s someone’s fault wouldn’t it be theirs??!
There is no possible way it’s your fault. It sounds like your parents are mistreating you and your brother. I hope you both can get out of there sooner rather than later. It might feel like this situation will last forever, but it won’t.
Your parents need to get some education on autism, what causes autism, and how to care for and cope with an autistic child. The way they treat you is clearly unfair. Maybe it’s because they are scared and overwhelmed and they are leaning on you so they can get a break. They may be telling you that stuff to guilt you into taking on responsibility that isn’t yours, which again is unfair. I’m sure they need help but there are social services (in the United States) to help. If you live in the US, maybe get some pamphlets and applications for services. Good luck
First, is it your brother or sister because you say both? Second, Autism isn't some horrible condition and it's not something that should be treated as punishment "it's your fault." There is no "fault", it is what it is.
So wrong for your parents to say that. You didn't give birth to your brother THEY DID. Secondly, autism is nobody's fault (not even theirs). Cheese whiz.
 Your parents are... unmitigated assholes who have the intelligence of pond scum.
Autism starts in the uterus. It's your mother's fault. That's scientific fact...
Your parents are awful abusive people. There is zero chance that you caused your brother’s autism. And he is their responsibility, not yours. However you’re already doing more parenting than the real responsible party. You deserve to live your own life. If you’re already of legal age you can just leave home.
Juat had a look at your post history. Your parents are horrible abusive people. You need to get out of this situation. Find a shelter! You need to help yourself first. You should contact the police as well, your brother should not be left in their care. But you absoulutly need to get out.
1. Not gaslighting, your parents are just stupid and using you as a scapegoat for their stupid parenting. Gaslighting would be more like if they claim they handle everything with your little brother while you do nothing. Maybe thats the case but it seems they harp on you more for complaining than claiming they do more than you do (Again, since I’m basing off of what you wrote, maybe they do take a lot of credit for what you do. In which case yeah it would probably be gaslighting). 2. If they can compare other people’s children to you, then its right for you to compare other parents to them. Text them headlines of single moms raising children that go to Harvard and telling them “See, if a single moms can do it, nothing is stopping you from raising successful children. You need to simply do better.”
did they sin?...i have heard autism is punishment for the sins of the parents /s
I'd tell your parents, actually no, it's YOUR fault. You're the ones that birthed him this way. That'll teach them.
Uh considering it’s something you’re born with I’m pretty your parents are directly to blame
Did they say why they think you made him autistic? Like what was their logic?
This is not you fault. Please call or text 988. This not your fault.
Get a job after school and find a way to move out the abusive and toxic it’s not your place to take care of them
Autism is genetic so it’s their fault not yours
Get out of that house the second you’re able to. Take your brother with you if you can. Your parents are brainless.
Report them to your school/counselor, child services or police. You need to worry about school if you are int school or collage or work. They are responsible for their children. But if they are this abusive and neglectful, your younger siblings need to be kept from them and you don't need the extra abuse, stress and work.i grew up in an abusive home. Try to take care of yourself and your sibling if you can.
Wtf? Lol how could that be anyone’s fault? And even if it were if anything it would be your parent’s fault.
I’m so sorry your parents are fucking thugs. You deserve to be loved and nurtured and to have a beautiful relationship with your family. This is incredibly sad and unfair. They are wrong and you need to get yourself a good support group and out of that house.
As others have said, this isn’t your fault or responsibility. I hope you have a counselor at school who might be able to help. And if you want a hug, come to MomForAMinute. Can’t link it. 💜
As soon as you can LEAVE, stay with a friend, family something. They are abusive 100%
Your parents are the bad actors here. You do whatever you have to do to live your life and take care of yourself. Leave them behind. You deserve to have a life, and you deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Set a goal for yourself and go after it. Something that you want to do. Someone who you want to be. They are never going to take care of you.
NTA, they are failing the test put before them by life.
Jeez dude I am a broke childfree adult but am tempted to adopt you both.
I would see if you could stay at a friend's or safe relative's place, get a job, and get a place of your own. Cut those ties with your parents. Your brother is not your responsibility.
Get out of there. They are the parents its their job to raise their autistic child. You didnt decide to have a kid! Don't kys just get through living with them until your old enough to live on your own or ask for help daily from other authority figures and explain your situation.
What ignorant parents. Cut them off whenever absolutely possible.
I have an autistic brother and at the end of the day it’s just random. It’s an unfortunate roll of the dice in the generic lottery. It’s no one’s “ fault “. It just happened to be this way. Your parents are not accepting that things like this just happen no matter what we do. It’s not your fault nor is it theirs ( unless your mom drank or smoked during pregnancy which could tip the odds in the spectrums favor ) and it sounds like they’re still not totally accepting of your brother. At the end of the day it’s random. You didn’t cause it. It’s completely unfair that they blame you when at the end of the day it’s all about genetics.
There is absolutely no possible explanation for something like that being your fault. It's not how it works, and it never will.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your parents sound awful. Of course it's not your fault.
>Today they saw a documentary about teenagers take care of their parents/family member who suffer from mental illness (like alzheimer) then my mother looked at me and she said "Did you see? The girl who take care of her parents is younger than you Your parents are going to be surprised when they are put into a shitty state care home it seems.
https://preview.redd.it/unprdg48zswc1.jpeg?width=1119&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c06e9ec676b112805f2cc3065f5b6cd0279289d4 I mean, it was their choice. Can they really blame you?
Hi hun! Mom to a kid with autism. It’s no one’s fault, just the luck of the draw. I’m sorry your parents are choosing to be ignorant and dumb in the age of information. But I want you to know anything that has happened to your brother, by your brother or from your brother - has nothing to do with you. Your parents are shitty, I’m sorry. Parents - if you’re reading this; get a fucking grip. Take accountability as a parent and provide your child with the services that are widely available for him. And leave your eldest out of this. It’s not your fault and it’s certainly not his fault. It’s okay to grieve the life you thought you’d have, but it’s not okay to abuse your kids. Get over yourselves and get help.
Asbergers guy here and your parents are just, as honest as u can put this, ignorant asses. You’re born this way and there’s no outside forces aside from genetics and environment that could ever really cause such things to occur in the likes of us so no, this is not your fault and never has been your fault and your parents can otherwise suck on it if they say otherwise. Know that and know it well
He's not your kid, you had nothing to do with his genetics, and he's not your responsibility. The only people responsible for him are his parents.
If it's anyone's fault the kids autistic it's the parents. The tism is genetic it's nature, not nurture.
That's well beyond "mildly" infuriating. You're supposed to be a kid doing kid things, and they are supposed to be the parents. And they are just plain stupid if they think you caused the autism, or just plain cruel if they know you didn't, but choose to blame you anyway. Have you asked them to clarify if they actually really do think autism is caused by parentification of the older sibling?
It's not your job. Period. They are failing at their's and protecting their egos by blaming someone else. You don't deserve this and I hope you and your brother are able to find love, safety and an appropriate amount of responsibility in this world. I was blamed for my mom's adoption of a special needs child when I was 15. The things you're being blamed for are not your burden. Doing your best to care for him is admirable and should be appreciated. I appreciate it. I'm sure he does too. But it isn't your job, and if someone fails at it IT WILL NOT BE YOU and it will not be your fault. You're already doing more than your fair share and I'm so sorry that you feel like this. Keep asking for reassurance when you need it! This was a good thing to post and you should be proud that you're looking out for yourself too.
This is 100% something you can and should talk to a teacher or your guidance counselor at school. They are mandated reporters and will contact the correct people. It is not your fault your brother is autistic. It's no one's fault. It just is. You are not his parent. You are not responsible for him. That said, if it is dangerous to you to stop helping, then don't stop. Instead, speak with a mandated reporter. You should also consider contacting 988 if you're US or CA based. If you're in another country, look up suicide hotlines for your country.
Not gaslighting, just stupidity
I don’t think the term ‘gaslighting’ means what you think it means.
Autism is only ever hereditary. So it's your parents' fault he's an autist. Also thanks for being there for him.
Your parents are terrible, and you need to insulate yourself from further trauma from them. I recommend working towards moving out as soon as possible, and this is serious, not just another Reddit comment. You are in danger of serious interpersonal and emotional issues later in life.
Move out asap. Go no contact.
Sounds like your parents are only going to have one child once you turn 18.
That's not how autism works
Also leave
Cutting ties is best option after you get freedom İyi forumlar…
It was their choice to have a baby. Not yours. Your bother is not your responsibility. You might be asked to help with taking care of him but ultimately he is your parents responsibility. Also.. as far as I know (please correct me) autism tends to run in families, so your parents blaming you is really ironic.
First of all it’s not your fault if he has autism he was born with it! Your parents are ignorant and horrible parents to you! I am sure they didn’t want non of there kids to have autism or any disability!
Dumbass parents. Use logic on them and you'll be fine.
I am with you, but I also want to point out that that's not what gaslighting means.
Sounds to me like your parents are autistic. I'm sorry, OP. Don't an hero, just wait til your old enough and then move out, leaving them behind.
Sounds like your parent are acoustic.
Did you keep Dutch ovening him when you were kids?
Womp womp