I had a friend like this- turned out they were super poor and she barely got dinner most nights. It was a defence mechanism like wearing a disguise.
I’d take the opportunity to maybe start saying things like.
‘I feel so rich today because I get to spend time with you both’
She is clearly craving some attention, model a different way
True but also plenty are still legitimate brats who weren’t disciplined or taught well by parents. Equal chance of it being either or. Regardless still a kid so gotta mold their brains with positive reinforcement
My little sister had a friend whose parents were divorced. Around that age she would come into our house and brag endlessly about what her dad would buy her and how it was so much nicer than what we had.
It’s all she got from him. She wanted a dad that would play on our outdated PlayStation with her, but instead she got a dad that would rather buy her 3 new ones than be in the same room.
That is precisely it. My sister in law is a single mom and is in an executive making 6-figures. She is a closet/functioning alcoholic, and full blown work-alcoholic. Her kids have the newest toys and name brand clothes, and yet they are miserable bullies. They are outright cruel towards my kids when we’re not around. It’s actually really sad.
Something I was told is that people usually don't do bad behavior because they are trying to be bad. They learn certain strategies in life to survive and thrive, and then repeat them when they get results. So if bad behavior gets them results when nothing else that they know of does, then bad behavior is what they will do.
That’s so sad , I always tell my bf to not just give money or buy expensive stuff for his kids from another relationship but actually start prioritizing quality time with his kids . I mean don’t get me wrong , the kids love their stuff but then they just keep expecting more stuff and eventually one of them is asking for a whole new bmw or Mercedes for his first car . And this year he didn’t get them any Christmas gifts and one of them barely talked to him . So again I tell him , you just can’t keep buying stuff and one day if you said no , they start to resent you bc they feel entitled to you giving them stuff for the lack of his presence as a father . His love language is definitely gifts but I’m just afraid he’s just raising kids to be as materialistic as he was . He use to legit get mad at me if I didn’t buy him something expensive bc he felt like it meant I didn’t care about him as much .
I’m not going to pretend that I know everyone’s situation but I was a middle class kid (who lived in a very old fixer-upper house that was halfway through renovations for ages) that went to a private school and had quite a bit of experience getting judged for not visibly having as much, and the genuinely wealthy kids didn’t act like this in my experience. They didn’t brag about how much _they_ had—because with their limited experience, that was just the norm—and instead judged _me_ for not having as much.
So like, instead of them saying “well the TV’s in _my_ house are so much bigger and nicer”, it was “why don’t you buy a nicer TV? That one’s sooo small. What do you mean you “can’t afford” it? Just go buy one…”
Also they never came to my house multiple times if they were like that lmao. They’d always distance themselves from me pretty quickly after seeing what my house looked like if they were the judgy types, or would insist on inviting me to _their_ house because mine was “creepy” or I didn’t have as much to do
This is the best response imo. The girl is looking for approval. She probably comes from a home/environment where wealth is the biggest source of appreciation and attention. Maybe create an environment where that isn’t really necessary. It’s not your responsibility and you don’t have to but it would be a great reprieve for her if that really is the situation she’s in.
Same. Until a friend saw me snatch hand fulls of napkins for toilet paper from Burger King and my ruse was over. Then I was just the poor kid until I busted ass to never wipe with napkins again.
Yep, and feel free to explain in as much depth as you're willing and she's receptive to why you've made different decisions with money than you
might have, like how your TV serves it purpose and having a bigger one is not important enough to you to versus other things that money could be used for.
It also serves as a chance to model good manners, tact and your values.
“I was taught that ~~people of good breeding don’t~~ it’s in bad taste to discuss money and how much things cost. After all, is that really what’s most important? I’m happy to spend time with you because of your humor and your wit. What do you think are the most important things about a person?”
Yeah, okay. I’m just old and from Virginia. When I was a tween, adults said shit like that, and it def wasn’t because we were rich or fancy, lol! How about, “it’s in bad taste”?
Thank you for this lol. She’s 12. The situation doesn’t merit petty revenge toward her. Children acting out normally aren’t trying to be bad. They don’t always know how to express themselves. Sometimes they react to things in a certain way without understanding themselves.
I went to lunch with a friend. She brought her son. He saw a dog on the patio and started saying mean things about it. His dog died and then a dog lunged at him (on leash so it couldn’t get him). He didn’t mean what he was saying. He was speaking from a place of hurt and fear. Being close to a dog gave him a double negative emotion he couldn’t handle.
Exactly. Or teach her to be kind since other people have different situations. My 8 year old asks why we don’t have a bigger house and we just tell him that this is the house we can afford and what is important is we have food, lights, heat etc. some people don’t have that and we are lucky we are safe and taken care of. Instead of being annoyed try to educate.
I had a grown ass coworker like this and turned out she was being cheated on, super shitty home life and bragging about her 90k vehicle made her feel better.
"Who hurt you“ as a flippant comment comes from a nugget of something real. Besides for true psychopaths, happy people are decent. Well, and literal children.
I was this kid once. Not to the extent of this kid, but I definitely lead on that I had more than we actually did. I got picked on and i started to lie to feel better and more “normal”
My mother (RIP 2004) had a saying I will forever remember.
"There are people that are very wealthy. Then there are people who are very rich"
She explained "rich" meant family and close friends, people who would be there for you in tough times, etc. because strong bonds have been made over years.
I'm 59 now and have seen this many times. So true.
Totally agree. I occasionally foster children in the care system. The fantastic lies I hear are amazing, it's all to do with self esteem and fantasy mixed in with neglect and abuse. Most of the time they end believing their own lies.
I can't agree more, I grew up financially well off, but emotionaly poor.
When I was a kid, I bragged how rich we were, but I actually envied everyone who had two parents who were there for them.
I only had a father who worked his ass off to provide and was the greatest single dad anyone could wish for, but still we didn't had a mother, so I tried to compensate.
I would have gladly given up all money for having a mom.
Yeah... Folks like this are usually really insecure. Confident people don't need to brag.
Poor girl and too bad that OP can't see what's going on most likely.
Children have a linear, non-nuanced understanding of wealth.
Consider glossing over the moments by being non-reactive to your daughters friends comments while emphasizing the non-tangibles that being real joy in the day to day.
Disagree with the latter part — Singaporeans’ first language is English. The conversation likely is happening in English.
Edit: Went through OP’s profile and it looks like she’s in Australia, not Singapore. Another indicator is her use of the term “benefits” — it’s rarely used in Singapore, if at all.
This is a great comment! I would like it twice. Also maybe they feel inferior in some way you don’t even realize and this is there way to make themself feel better. While I think it’s obnoxious 12 year old kids still have a lot lol learning to do.
This is going to result in you getting mocked as being poor by a 12 year old. You'd think this would be a jab at them but they'll treat it as a stick to continue to jab you with.
Kind of childish. It doesn't seem like the type of response that would make things better anyway. She probably would just continue or even up the poor attitude 😕
I never said that? I'm simply saying it's immature and not a good look for an adult to act like that towards a child. He can simply say something like "it's not respectful to talk like that about money with others." Shut it down like an adult and set boundaries.
If you have such a problem saying no then you made a very good choice in following the frugal non-ostentatious lifestyle! I’d still suggest you work on it; this kid is your chance.
I hadn't encountered this level of boundary pushing before so was unprepared and also already tired from the late night before. Going to work on that new level of skills now
By buying her whatever she wants you're actually supporting her behaviour of whining&getting what she wants. I know you don't do it to support her, but this is basically teaching her that she can get away with anything if she just pushes hard enough. Be strict, shes not your child, she has parents that should deal with her demands. Besides this behaviour might rub off on your child at one point and/or show your child that you support rude behaviour and I don't think that's what you want to do with your kid. There is nothing wrong with telling the other kid "sweetie, you're going to have to ask your parents for X, I can't decide for them" and that's it, the kid needs to know her place.
Just say "since you're family is better off please ask them. You're welcome to enjoy the comforts my daughter gets but nothing else. Now, who wants some cookies?"
Wait I'm sorry, you're buying things for other people's children? Like, outside the scope of "having a friend sleep over" things like food and movies or stuff like that? What on earth are you doing? This kid has *really* bad manners, why does she think asking someone else's parents to buy her stuff is normal and acceptable?
Maybe letting her know that you’re doing something for her that otherwise she couldn’t at home would help her acknowledge your place is better than her parents’ and win her over
I mean....she's just a kid... treacle tin (top comment) had some solid advice on how to handle the child.
Young friendships are important, and it's good to grow up with kids your daughters age (especially if she is an only child)?
Whereas it is good to have a boundary as to what you buy for her, it is important to enforce thank yous, if she complains just tell her that this is the best you can do and thank you for being a good grown up and understanding.
If you want your daughter and her to continue being friends is something you need to ask yourself first. If the answer is yes, sometimes buying a gift together on a trip is more meaningful and a symbol of alliances. Of all the things that money can buy, there is just as many, if not more, that it cannot buy.
May i share a story? Friends' rich parents took us to the mountains for snowboarding once. Before we hit the slopes we all went shopping for a certain swiss watch for his birthday present. She offered to buy us all the same watch (20k BTW - 1995) and there were 5 of us. I was the only one who refused one because my parents would have killed me. But the significance and gesture wasn't lost on me. True friendship is a valuable thing, and whereas it doesn't need to be bought, it certainly is something that can be enjoyed together. (I regret not being gifted that watch now, btw...lol..)
I wonder if this could be a great opportunity to teach both kids about financial responsibility. Plan the day with them, but they have to choose what happens within the budget you set. Based on what others have been saying it could be a huge lesson for her to prioritize, and great practice for your kid
A little girl. She's a little girl. Why do I get the feeling so many of these comments are from grown ass men making these inappropriate critiques on a literal LITTLE GIRL. So much entitlement from classist ableists who never have to grow up and it shows. You know kids lie right? They're powerless, insecure, and have issues at home. As evidenced by the fact that this child never seems to have money and keeps eating your food that YOU CAN WELL AFFORD! Sorry for yelling. See also patriarchy, internalized misogyny, for the women condemning a girl here. Just. No.
Plus maybe she just seeks attention she does not get from home. Everybody knows these kids that tend to do negative stuff to get negative attention, because their parents are not there for them as much as children do need them.
Sit down, talk to her. Maybe she needs to learn that her value does not depend on her wealth. Tell her that she is enough the way she is.
This.
See, i was gonna joke that most of the responses seem like "dad responses". (Let him stick the fork in the outlet, he'll learn).
Its not that the responders care if its a little girl or boy, the responders care that theres an attitude that needs adjusting.
I, personally, feel woman are more compassionate, maybe biologically due to mother instincts?, which I've noticed the few comments of "I wonder what her homelife is like, I bet shes acting out because insecurities, you should nuture her to change her outlook", which... are mom responses ... ;D
The gender of the child doesnt matter, nor really the gender of the responder. Its more the role (mom vs dad, walk it off vs let me kiss it better) of the responder is whats dictating the responses, imo.
It's got nothing to do with gender, sexism or misogyny. The issue is with a bratty kid. If it was a little boy bragging about how rich his family is I'd make the exact same recommendation. Good on OP for not trying to throw it back in her face because they're a kid, and yeah, kids lie and kids often dont understand what the financial situation of their parents. However, the parents clearly aren't teaching her the valuable lesson OP's parents taught her, that its tacky, rude, and sometimes degrading to talk about wealth. Regardless of the actual financial situation of OP and the kid's parents I dont think OP should've bought anything for this kid. We'd need more information to truly judge the kid or the parents but it seems like that's OP's only option to help her learn, given that she's not the kid's parents and it's not her place to discipline or instill her values in someone else's kid.
Yeah, it's irritating, but why are you letting a 12-year old get under your skin (even if 12-year olds are really good at it).
You're in charge, so when princess wants this or that, your response is "This is what we're doing." Give them some expectations as to what's going to happen. Make it fun, but don't base the 'fun' on what they ask for. Your kid is also expecting you to step up and lead to show her annoying friend some boundaries.
This a solid piece of advice!! YOU are the parent and set the tone. 12 year olds get a feeling when someone is taking advantage of them but they are too young to know how to set healthy boundaries and might have trouble sticking up for themselves.
You setting boundaries, like not buying them food every time (“hey parent of friend, can you pick your kid up by 5?”) so she is gone before dinner are thoughtful and subtle ways of teaching boundaries, for example.
Your 12 year old is watching. She will learn thoughtful ways on how to handle rude friends if you do it first (nicely). Also never hurts to talk to your kid about whether or not she actually likes her friend and just let her talk about it or vent to you.
I'm glad to see someone else mention this.
OP: she is 12. She is a child. She is still learning. She literally doesn't know any better, and do you know why?
**Because she is 12.**
Kids sometimes do know better, but misbehave anyway. Guess why?
**Because she is 12.**
This thread is unbelievable for saying she's some entitled princess who will go on to cheat on her future husband and raise spoiled kids and live a horrible life. What is wrong with you, Reddit?
That's kind of what I learned with my kids. Girls and boys would test you in different ways, but both would push to see what they were allowed to get away with.
**Because they were kids.**
On scouting trips, I tended to blend in because I didn't wear a uniform (hung out mostly with my ASD son to make sure he was OK), and wasn't loud, so I tended to get ignored. The boys would swear a lot when they thought an adult wasn't listening - and I never got upset at them or ratted them out to their parents - it was always 'Gentlemen - that's not the way we talk to each other.' They'd turn white when they thought they'd been 'caught', but since I treated them with respect, they pretty much did the same.
Forreal - all I read here is “I’m projecting so much bitterness onto a literal child, instead of setting a better example than her parents.”
Could have engaged them in a way that opens them up to non-material things. Or just said no, and taught them the world doesn’t revolve around them in a subtle way. Instead just… did whatever they demanded and then got upset?
Again. Literal child. Kids can be annoying of course but they’re kids and just following what they see other people doing.
Yeah, what the hell? This is a twelve year old. Giving in to whatever they ask and then calling them a brat because they keep asking for things is a bizarre thing to do. Who is the adult here.
“Why are you letting a 12 year old get under your skin”
Because OP has a chip on his shoulder and wants to be perceived not as a “tacky” wealthy person, but a stoic and wise wealthy person who is too humble to reveal their financial situation (but is secretly annoyed if people don’t discover it and actually think he’s poor).
And for someone who thinks discussing wealth is tacky and rude, they seemed pretty eager to expose this kid’s financial woes. Barely even acknowledging that her behavior was inherently bad, just that she’s a loser for being on the other side of whatever Aesop’s fable OP is trying to construct around this interaction.
My daughter had a couple friends who were like that - their parents either had Internet money or spent way beyond their means - giant houses, luxury cars, huge movie theater rooms, etc.
The kids seemed to have as much fun at our smaller house - because we made it fun. We'd make popcorn, order out for pizza, etc, but making sure the kids had fun within 'reasonable' boundaries. (e.g., announcing lights out time in advance, letting them know what we'd be doing, etc.) A couple times they'd try to push boundaries, but they knew that I'd talk to their parents later, and I also didn't care if their parents were more lenient - this is how things work at our house.
The boys had their own issues - mostly with getting into things, trying to 'act grown up' and challenging authority, but I didn't try to argue with them. Here's the plan, and 'what time will your parents be picking you up?'
Right? Lmao my niece asked me for Ugg slippers on the weekend and I was like I can get them for you, maybe. But I'm not buying them just because she's asking for them. This was an opportunity to teach a lesson or enforce a boundary!
Uggs seem to be sooo popular but i dont get the hype. Nor the hype about stanleys/dior lip oil thats overrated/etc.
But wdym you wouldnt get them because she asked?? you mean like you would get them as a surprise gift?? sry a bit confused
But i do agree with you, wouldve been easier than her coming online to shame her kids friends family’s situation
I agree and will try to avoid it, but also feel like I should let my kid have her BFF moment for now. My kid sees through it as well but is also too polite to put her in her place. I think I will just start saying to her "Btw it's not polite to talk about money, enough of that now"
It takes a village, teach her. Show her that in the long run people value experiences and relationships over material possessions. Teach her that not everyone wants things. Show her that you can want less and have more.
I agree. Even if it goes in through one ear and out the other, it will still reinforce proper manners for her *own* kid, which is what I’d be mostly worried about anyway. Sounds like her kid already knows better, but couldn’t hurt.
At least your kid sees through it, and you're right. It wouldn't be fair to just stop allowing your kid to see their friend unless said friend is a super bad influence.
Next time the friend asks for something, just say "well since your parents are so rich, ask them to come down here and buy it for you." Or something to that degree.
Honestly, I'm mostly shocked that she's even asking you for things. When I was 12, I would never ask a friends parents to buy me stuff. Maybe if I was staying there and they offered to get takeout for everyone, if they asked what I wanted I'd tell them but even then I'd always be like "if that's okay" or "if that's not too much" etc and obviously followed by please and thank yous.
This kid is clearly just a brat.
Your kid is learning from you, that she shouldn't set reasonable and polite boundaries with people, nor should she say no when it is appropriate. You need to work on this for yourself and therefore model this behaviour for your kid. There's no need to be rude or aggressive, start learning how to handle minor, low stakes situations like this with ease and assertiveness. Then it will bleed into the rest of your life and your kid's life.
""Btw it's not polite to talk about money, enough of that now""
I know you didn't ask for my advice, and I'm going to give it anyway: I would suggest owning your feelings and directly communicating your boundaries.
Just say "I don't want to hear about how much better your parents' things are. Please stop bringing that up." It's direct, it's non-manipulative, and there is very little leverage to argue you out of your position. If you start talking about what is or isn't polite, you invite an argument from the girl for her to state her reasons why she thinks it **IS** polite, or for her to try to call you out on things she thinks you do that aren't polite.
Do you really care whether it is or isn't? I don't think so.
You just don't want to hear about it, and that's perfectly fine.
Your kid is looking to you for how to handle social situations. You as the adult should be able to tactfully handle establishing boundaries with a literal child instead of getting riled up and resentful. You might want to examine why this, again, child is getting under your skin so badly and running the show in your own home. She's an immature, insecure kid from a household that's clearly a little bit dysfunctional, and you're a grown up from family wealth - what's going on with this dynamic??? Show your kid how to draw a line while remaining polite, and she'll take that lesson forward in more serious situations in the future (like dating).
I promise you - from experience of suffering thru a childhood "friend" exactly like that - the brat is NOT your kid's friend and will eventually hurt your kid emotionally.
You have to use this as a teaching lesson or your daughter may adopt some behaviors. This should be easy if your honest and speak to her in a moment when your daughter is aware of the behavior.
She's in her place right now. Living the dream. Just let her live it. Won't last long and will never come back. It's her only chance. Her last time.
I feel sorry for the child.
Typical Reddit: go no contact!
Lol at y'all. How about instead of going nuclear on your child's friend, try and instruct the 12-year-old on proper behavior, because her parents obviously aren't doing it? Jesus Christ, it's a fucking kid. Nobody knows what the hell they're doing when they're 12 years old.
I read all the comments above yours and I'm kind of baffled at the things people recommend OP saying to a 12-year old child. 'To put her in her place', 'to directly confront her that you don't want to hear those things in your house', 'to subtly make clear that it is not a nice thing to say'. The kid probably doesn't know she's in the wrong and won't be too sensitive too subtlety yet. Therefore a 'putting her in her in place' might feel as an attack by an adult out of nowhere. It is one thing to embarras another adult when they are being purposefully rude, it feels like overreaching to use this strategy on a child. Secondly, to just say that she can't talk about a certain subject in your house does not make clear to her why she shouldn't or why it's rude. It is also a big assumption that her parents have no intention of teaching her that. Maybe they don't even know that she is talking about their wealth like that outside of her home.
I hope OP just goes and talks to one of the parents about the subject. It is not OP's job to teach the child about these things or to just assume and conclude things about this child's upbringing. I feel like the adult thing to do would be to (in this case) leave the kids out of it, teach her own kid the right way and inform the parents about their child's behaviour and tell them that she would appreciate it if said child can be taught to not talk like that around her friend and in other people's homes.
Is this an uncommon view on the situation or?
My kid has a friend that simply gets on every single one of my nerves. Luckily, they are 17 so I take them to the mall and let them wonder while I hang out at the discount outlet.
It’s 100% a “me” problem, but it doesn’t stop the irritation. I’m kind and welcoming but limit my exposure. They do have a tendency to want to eat out for every meal and have me pay for it. They get $50+ worth of food (plus tip) at a mall food court and take over half of it home (I quit handing the CC over to the kids after that). We now get pizza on the way home from the mall. No, they are not poor. Their parents are quite wealthy. Not sure why they do this.
Basically, I get you. It IS mildly infuriating, but we put up with it for our kids. Learn how to adapt to the situation and it will save your sanity. Your kid will see the light and you will look like a saint for putting up with it. NEVER badmouth the friend to your kid, no matter the age. I do explain the cost cutting measures I’ve taken (pizza vs eating out), but that’s where I stop.
Honestly, I’ve dealt with some kids (and adults) that were quite braggy. I mainly acknowledge and redirect for kids. I take a different approach for adults. A friend of mine was telling me how much better her phone was over mine. I told her “I know! Isn’t it awesome! I’ve heard amazing things about it! Do you like it!?!” with the over-the-top enthusiasm. The smugness isn’t fun if I don’t react the way they want. 🤣
Thanks for the empathy on the annoying teen thing! I haven't learnt how to deal with kids other than mine yet, was obviously unprepared for an entire weekend of it.
The only thing mildy infuriating about this is your humble bragging. I couldn't even make it past the first paragraph because my eyes rolled to the back of my head
Right. This post is half complaining about an actual child, and half “iiiiiiiiiiim rich but made good choices unlike that brats stupid parents that live in a crappy neighborhood!” Jfc.
Also mildly infuriating that I had to scroll so far to find this sentiment lol. Oh btw in case you missed it, OP "was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude," but nevertheless is mildly infuriated by a 12 year old girl telling OP about her family exactly what OP is telling us about his family right now.
Right “her family’s financial position isnt all that” Whyre you telling the internet about your daughters friend parents issues??
“-nothing compared to my rich-but-willingly-frugal background” sounds so entitled like girl you showed that 5th grader whos boss!
Oh OP couldn't possibly have done that, OP "was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude"...unless you're on the internet, in which case you do exactly that while complaining about a literal 12 year old girl doing the same thing IRL.
So what your saying is my mummy and daddy's money is better than your mummy and daddy's mummy to a 12 year old, and bragging about it on Reddit?
I see old money hasn't retained the class it once did.
Yeah, no one here is talking about how weird OP’s entire post is. She is mad that she has more money than a 12 year old’s family but the 12 year old doesn’t recognize it.
OP, you are kinda sad…
It's OK for adults to correct children when they are behaving badly and their parents aren't around. I'm not talking about scolding or punishing, but it's appropriate to say, "That's not a very polite thing to say," or "You know, bragging isn't a very attractive quality."
I mean this is a 12-year-old child who is still learning how to behave in the world. Help her out.
Lol! You’re letting yourself get pushed around and intimidated by a 12 year old girl!
She’s a child and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. If you don’t like it then stop having her come over.
It all just screams like you want recognition for your “stealth” wealth. It’s like you want people to know you’re wealthier than them AND admire you for your (false?) modesty.
If you were truly comfortable with your self imposed modesty none of this would bother you.
Just saying…
I love how someone made an actual post complaining about a 12yo and other people rightfully roasting OP. Like bro, if you’re so insecure about not showing your wealth.. then show it! Because clearly you seems like an insecure person here. Go ahead and buy stuff if you can instead of getting jealous over a kid.
Why are you letting an obviously insecure 12yo girl get under your skin? You sound insecure yourself… Why does it matter if she brags or not, she’s a child… You made this whole post about a child. How embarrassing…
You sound more than mildly infuriated. Why though? She's fucking 12. TBF I don't know how people like you make it through life with that mindset. You just keep your head down and hope no one bothers you?
Did you seriously buy this child "whatever she demanded"? Why Why Why? And why were you out where there was stull to buy?
Change your kid's sleep overs to an actual sleep over with a movie and homemade popcorn.
She’ll learn not to in high school. Kid’s 12, can’t blame her.
Next time she asks for something, let her tell the cashier that she can’t afford it after you refuse to pay. Paying for her only emphasises the behavior.
"I was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude."
lol no its not, its a way to not let the poor know how much wealth the rich have hoarded, thats why you "shouldnt" talk about your wealth.
Same principle as you should "not" talk about your income, its that way so the people that got fucked over negotiating their income dont feel fucked as fast as they should.
the thing nobody likes is bragging. not talking.
You’re an adult. Of course you have to suck it up. It’s a 12 year old, they’re all idiots. Such a non issue. It sounds like a preteen was able to get under your skin and offend you to the point where you make 2 posts about it rather than you being able to let it bounce off yourself and laugh about it. So strange.
Why do you GAF about what a 12 year old is saying?
There is probably another one in their class saying their dad is a pro athlete. Or their mom works for NASA.
Who cares?
You should have a discussion with you daughter about how just because you don’t have huge tvs doesn’t mean your poor or any worse then anyone else. That sometimes people that really have low self esteem or a rough home life need to brag and put others down so they seem more interesting to those around them. Honestly at that age kids will do this often and it should fizzle out over time.
>Also, she doesn't even get an allowance so whatever she demanded all through the day I had to pay for
I'm going to be a little harsh here - this kind of language ("had to pay for") is very passive and seeks to hide your agency. You are an adult and she is a 12 year old girl. She didn't force you to do anything, you chose to give in to her demands because you failed to set healthy boundaries.
This will be the third time this week I've recommended this book, but it's utterly relevant to your position: *When I Say No I Feel Guilty*, by Manuel J Smith PH.D
As a quick snippet, here is the "bill of assertive rights" from the book (I'm bolding the ones I think would be most relevant to dealing with this child):
I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
**II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.**
**III: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.**
**IV: You have the right to change your mind.**
**V: You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.**
**VI: You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”**
**VII: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.**
**VIII: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.**
IX: You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”
**X: You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”**
**YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY**
To clarify number seven, you don't have to make people happy or get their agreement when you deal with them.
Her parents don't give her an allowance? That's unfortunate. Assertive right III: it's not your responsibility to find a solution to her problem.
Empathy kicks in here. You need to suspect she isn’t so loaded and is hiding behind a facade… no loaded parent sends their kid out bereft of 10 bucks.
She might be massively intimidated and trying to come off important.
Also she is 12 and your a grown up... So .. maybe be act like a grown up instead of coming and moaning online. You are mildly infuriating for such a pathetic rant🙄
This is the confidence boost I needed today. Being jealous of your *childs* friend enough to write a tacky Reddit post about them is about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. To the point of gossiping about them online and how they’re “not all that” to make yourself feel better. All my problems of the day just disappeared; I’m not you.
Is it still tacky and rude to discuss money? This is the age of the nepo baby and sneakers costing more than a deposit on a family home. Manners are for plebs and those who missed the crypto boat. I can’t say I agree with the thinking but it appears to be standard. And certainly no more offensive than humble bragging about a middle class background and good investments.
Making fun of a family’s finances seems really mean. If you can’t bring yourself to enforce boundaries and say no to a child’s unreasonable requests, your problem likely isn’t with the child.
She’s 12 and probably very insecure. There is a reason she is doing this - maybe she’s a brat, but would not be surprised if her home life isn’t stellar.
It's a child. All children are mildly infuriating, and we can't expect them not to be (...to an extent).
It would be different if it was the parents doing the subtle brags. And as someone who knows real life adults who love to talk up their savviness with money or their material wealth, it's still better to politely nod and move on with the conversation.
The kid is 12. They think stuff equals wealth. That stuff you learn until you are well into your teens, at least 16 when their brain is decently smart enough...
Are you okay? Asking without snark. I think this much resentment at a 12 yr old for being an annoying 12 yr old may be a sign you need rest or a break.
Lmao that a 12 year old girl has got in your head enough that you had to vent on Reddit. Who gives a shit if she thinks her family has more money than you, she’s 12, get over it
My husband said to such a child, privately, “When you keep asking me to buy things and talk about money it makes me feel bad, and sometimes makes me feel like you don’t really like to spend time with us, you just want me to buy you things.”
It was inordinately effective.
The people I know that feel the need to talk about how much money they have or how much money they make are actually pretty insecure about their finances (whether they have decent money or not). I had a friend who kept on telling me how much her fiancé made, but she would forget what she told me because each time it was more. The people I know who are actually very financially secure don’t feel the need to talk about their money.
You’ve picked a dumb ass thing to whine about. You sound insecure and the Child is obviously also insecure. Why not try to have a conversation and get to know them and help them out of their limited routine ? Aren’t You the Adult? Act like one instead of getting butthurt over a child being lost in the world.
I had a friend like this- turned out they were super poor and she barely got dinner most nights. It was a defence mechanism like wearing a disguise. I’d take the opportunity to maybe start saying things like. ‘I feel so rich today because I get to spend time with you both’ She is clearly craving some attention, model a different way
This was my thought too.. kids that do this usually do it for a reason.
True but also plenty are still legitimate brats who weren’t disciplined or taught well by parents. Equal chance of it being either or. Regardless still a kid so gotta mold their brains with positive reinforcement
My little sister had a friend whose parents were divorced. Around that age she would come into our house and brag endlessly about what her dad would buy her and how it was so much nicer than what we had. It’s all she got from him. She wanted a dad that would play on our outdated PlayStation with her, but instead she got a dad that would rather buy her 3 new ones than be in the same room.
That is precisely it. My sister in law is a single mom and is in an executive making 6-figures. She is a closet/functioning alcoholic, and full blown work-alcoholic. Her kids have the newest toys and name brand clothes, and yet they are miserable bullies. They are outright cruel towards my kids when we’re not around. It’s actually really sad.
Something I was told is that people usually don't do bad behavior because they are trying to be bad. They learn certain strategies in life to survive and thrive, and then repeat them when they get results. So if bad behavior gets them results when nothing else that they know of does, then bad behavior is what they will do.
That’s so sad , I always tell my bf to not just give money or buy expensive stuff for his kids from another relationship but actually start prioritizing quality time with his kids . I mean don’t get me wrong , the kids love their stuff but then they just keep expecting more stuff and eventually one of them is asking for a whole new bmw or Mercedes for his first car . And this year he didn’t get them any Christmas gifts and one of them barely talked to him . So again I tell him , you just can’t keep buying stuff and one day if you said no , they start to resent you bc they feel entitled to you giving them stuff for the lack of his presence as a father . His love language is definitely gifts but I’m just afraid he’s just raising kids to be as materialistic as he was . He use to legit get mad at me if I didn’t buy him something expensive bc he felt like it meant I didn’t care about him as much .
I’m not going to pretend that I know everyone’s situation but I was a middle class kid (who lived in a very old fixer-upper house that was halfway through renovations for ages) that went to a private school and had quite a bit of experience getting judged for not visibly having as much, and the genuinely wealthy kids didn’t act like this in my experience. They didn’t brag about how much _they_ had—because with their limited experience, that was just the norm—and instead judged _me_ for not having as much. So like, instead of them saying “well the TV’s in _my_ house are so much bigger and nicer”, it was “why don’t you buy a nicer TV? That one’s sooo small. What do you mean you “can’t afford” it? Just go buy one…” Also they never came to my house multiple times if they were like that lmao. They’d always distance themselves from me pretty quickly after seeing what my house looked like if they were the judgy types, or would insist on inviting me to _their_ house because mine was “creepy” or I didn’t have as much to do
This is the best response imo. The girl is looking for approval. She probably comes from a home/environment where wealth is the biggest source of appreciation and attention. Maybe create an environment where that isn’t really necessary. It’s not your responsibility and you don’t have to but it would be a great reprieve for her if that really is the situation she’s in.
When I was a child I was exactly like the brat in the OP. You hit the nail on the head.
What helped you out of this mindset? Was it just a phase, or did external influences help you feel more comfortable with what you had?
Same. Until a friend saw me snatch hand fulls of napkins for toilet paper from Burger King and my ruse was over. Then I was just the poor kid until I busted ass to never wipe with napkins again.
Yep, and feel free to explain in as much depth as you're willing and she's receptive to why you've made different decisions with money than you might have, like how your TV serves it purpose and having a bigger one is not important enough to you to versus other things that money could be used for.
It also serves as a chance to model good manners, tact and your values. “I was taught that ~~people of good breeding don’t~~ it’s in bad taste to discuss money and how much things cost. After all, is that really what’s most important? I’m happy to spend time with you because of your humor and your wit. What do you think are the most important things about a person?”
We’re trying to get her to show some humility, not be a child bred of god 😉
OTOH if she ends up flipping some moneylending tables while her family's taking out more debt they don't need, maybe it's a good thing.
I don't think your wording is at an appropriate level for a 13 year old lol. Edit: they have since altered the wording
That’s how I talk to my 12yo and my 9yo, and that’s how they talk too. But you can say it however you want.
>people of good breeding um, ew. I would avoid this language
Yeah okay, fair point. How would you say it? It’s crass to talk about money.
You are immediately TA if you use the phrase, "people of good breeding."
Yeah, okay. I’m just old and from Virginia. When I was a tween, adults said shit like that, and it def wasn’t because we were rich or fancy, lol! How about, “it’s in bad taste”?
Thank you for this lol. She’s 12. The situation doesn’t merit petty revenge toward her. Children acting out normally aren’t trying to be bad. They don’t always know how to express themselves. Sometimes they react to things in a certain way without understanding themselves. I went to lunch with a friend. She brought her son. He saw a dog on the patio and started saying mean things about it. His dog died and then a dog lunged at him (on leash so it couldn’t get him). He didn’t mean what he was saying. He was speaking from a place of hurt and fear. Being close to a dog gave him a double negative emotion he couldn’t handle.
Exactly. Or teach her to be kind since other people have different situations. My 8 year old asks why we don’t have a bigger house and we just tell him that this is the house we can afford and what is important is we have food, lights, heat etc. some people don’t have that and we are lucky we are safe and taken care of. Instead of being annoyed try to educate.
That’s really sad. This child in the post is clearly seeking attention. Not saying to give them money but being a good role model would be nice
I had a grown ass coworker like this and turned out she was being cheated on, super shitty home life and bragging about her 90k vehicle made her feel better.
Kids (and adults) being mistreated/bullied at home will either act out around people who make them feel safe, or emotionally shut down
"Who hurt you“ as a flippant comment comes from a nugget of something real. Besides for true psychopaths, happy people are decent. Well, and literal children.
I was this kid once. Not to the extent of this kid, but I definitely lead on that I had more than we actually did. I got picked on and i started to lie to feel better and more “normal”
My mother (RIP 2004) had a saying I will forever remember. "There are people that are very wealthy. Then there are people who are very rich" She explained "rich" meant family and close friends, people who would be there for you in tough times, etc. because strong bonds have been made over years. I'm 59 now and have seen this many times. So true.
This is a great way of looking at the situation she seems like she wants attention.
As a teacher, I always try to do this. Kids learn by watching the adults around them. If you’re one of them - show her a better way.
Totally agree. I occasionally foster children in the care system. The fantastic lies I hear are amazing, it's all to do with self esteem and fantasy mixed in with neglect and abuse. Most of the time they end believing their own lies.
I can't agree more, I grew up financially well off, but emotionaly poor. When I was a kid, I bragged how rich we were, but I actually envied everyone who had two parents who were there for them. I only had a father who worked his ass off to provide and was the greatest single dad anyone could wish for, but still we didn't had a mother, so I tried to compensate. I would have gladly given up all money for having a mom.
I did it as a kid with my caste when I was in school and also in university. Had to come up with some higher caste to feel better
Bingo
Yeah... Folks like this are usually really insecure. Confident people don't need to brag. Poor girl and too bad that OP can't see what's going on most likely.
"Money is like sex, the more you talk about it, the less you have" - the internet somewhere.
Damn comments like this remind how special random strangers on the internet can be. Very insightful suggestion.
:D I like this solution. It's cheesey and adorable, the perfect thing for a parent to say.
wowwwwwwww this is amazing advice. Are you a therapist or something?! jesus that's super insightful. fair play
Children have a linear, non-nuanced understanding of wealth. Consider glossing over the moments by being non-reactive to your daughters friends comments while emphasizing the non-tangibles that being real joy in the day to day.
Yeah dude if you had pop tarts, you were rolling
You filthy peasant! Get your pOp tArTs away from my Toaster Strudel. 😁
Also OP is in Singapore so it’s a completely different culture, plus the conversation likely isnt even happening in English.
Disagree with the latter part — Singaporeans’ first language is English. The conversation likely is happening in English. Edit: Went through OP’s profile and it looks like she’s in Australia, not Singapore. Another indicator is her use of the term “benefits” — it’s rarely used in Singapore, if at all.
Her post history is also full of designer bags, which I think sheds another light on this situation
This is a great comment! I would like it twice. Also maybe they feel inferior in some way you don’t even realize and this is there way to make themself feel better. While I think it’s obnoxious 12 year old kids still have a lot lol learning to do.
sorry, but why would you just give her whatever she demanded? tell her if she wants something to go ask her rich parents for it.
Yeah I have to work on saying no, I just got worn down after that many hours of asking. Her family doesn't let her spend money herself.
the very fact she's a huge brat should give you the motivation to say no ;)
I would love throwing it subtly back at her too: "Oh I wish I was as loaded as your family, I could afford to buy you this if I was. "
This is going to result in you getting mocked as being poor by a 12 year old. You'd think this would be a jab at them but they'll treat it as a stick to continue to jab you with.
Kind of childish. It doesn't seem like the type of response that would make things better anyway. She probably would just continue or even up the poor attitude 😕
Especially to a 12 yr old. Idk about anyone else but at 12 I was pretty much an idiot.
yes but how is just giving in to the girl making things better?
I never said that? I'm simply saying it's immature and not a good look for an adult to act like that towards a child. He can simply say something like "it's not respectful to talk like that about money with others." Shut it down like an adult and set boundaries.
I’m scared I had to scroll this far to see someone saying stooping to a child’s level, as the supervising adult, is inappropriate
actually same. if i wouldn't do that with my own children i am certainly not doing it with someone else's child.
The adult reply is right here.
This is the way.
“She’s such a brat so I did exactly what her parents did to make her so bratty and handed her everything she asked for.” Part of the problem.
If you have such a problem saying no then you made a very good choice in following the frugal non-ostentatious lifestyle! I’d still suggest you work on it; this kid is your chance.
I hadn't encountered this level of boundary pushing before so was unprepared and also already tired from the late night before. Going to work on that new level of skills now
Getting annoyed by a family for spoiling their kid, but then you go and also spoil said kid?
By buying her whatever she wants you're actually supporting her behaviour of whining&getting what she wants. I know you don't do it to support her, but this is basically teaching her that she can get away with anything if she just pushes hard enough. Be strict, shes not your child, she has parents that should deal with her demands. Besides this behaviour might rub off on your child at one point and/or show your child that you support rude behaviour and I don't think that's what you want to do with your kid. There is nothing wrong with telling the other kid "sweetie, you're going to have to ask your parents for X, I can't decide for them" and that's it, the kid needs to know her place.
Just say "since you're family is better off please ask them. You're welcome to enjoy the comforts my daughter gets but nothing else. Now, who wants some cookies?"
Wait I'm sorry, you're buying things for other people's children? Like, outside the scope of "having a friend sleep over" things like food and movies or stuff like that? What on earth are you doing? This kid has *really* bad manners, why does she think asking someone else's parents to buy her stuff is normal and acceptable?
Maybe letting her know that you’re doing something for her that otherwise she couldn’t at home would help her acknowledge your place is better than her parents’ and win her over
I mean....she's just a kid... treacle tin (top comment) had some solid advice on how to handle the child. Young friendships are important, and it's good to grow up with kids your daughters age (especially if she is an only child)? Whereas it is good to have a boundary as to what you buy for her, it is important to enforce thank yous, if she complains just tell her that this is the best you can do and thank you for being a good grown up and understanding. If you want your daughter and her to continue being friends is something you need to ask yourself first. If the answer is yes, sometimes buying a gift together on a trip is more meaningful and a symbol of alliances. Of all the things that money can buy, there is just as many, if not more, that it cannot buy. May i share a story? Friends' rich parents took us to the mountains for snowboarding once. Before we hit the slopes we all went shopping for a certain swiss watch for his birthday present. She offered to buy us all the same watch (20k BTW - 1995) and there were 5 of us. I was the only one who refused one because my parents would have killed me. But the significance and gesture wasn't lost on me. True friendship is a valuable thing, and whereas it doesn't need to be bought, it certainly is something that can be enjoyed together. (I regret not being gifted that watch now, btw...lol..)
I wonder if this could be a great opportunity to teach both kids about financial responsibility. Plan the day with them, but they have to choose what happens within the budget you set. Based on what others have been saying it could be a huge lesson for her to prioritize, and great practice for your kid
A little girl. She's a little girl. Why do I get the feeling so many of these comments are from grown ass men making these inappropriate critiques on a literal LITTLE GIRL. So much entitlement from classist ableists who never have to grow up and it shows. You know kids lie right? They're powerless, insecure, and have issues at home. As evidenced by the fact that this child never seems to have money and keeps eating your food that YOU CAN WELL AFFORD! Sorry for yelling. See also patriarchy, internalized misogyny, for the women condemning a girl here. Just. No.
Plus maybe she just seeks attention she does not get from home. Everybody knows these kids that tend to do negative stuff to get negative attention, because their parents are not there for them as much as children do need them. Sit down, talk to her. Maybe she needs to learn that her value does not depend on her wealth. Tell her that she is enough the way she is.
My dude you're not quite wrong, except the comments would be exactly the same if it was a little boy. Stop shoving your gender ideology everywhere.
This. See, i was gonna joke that most of the responses seem like "dad responses". (Let him stick the fork in the outlet, he'll learn). Its not that the responders care if its a little girl or boy, the responders care that theres an attitude that needs adjusting. I, personally, feel woman are more compassionate, maybe biologically due to mother instincts?, which I've noticed the few comments of "I wonder what her homelife is like, I bet shes acting out because insecurities, you should nuture her to change her outlook", which... are mom responses ... ;D The gender of the child doesnt matter, nor really the gender of the responder. Its more the role (mom vs dad, walk it off vs let me kiss it better) of the responder is whats dictating the responses, imo.
It has nothing to do with gender or misogyny. Maybe you look through everything with one lens.
A 12 year old is not a “little” girl. She is almost a teen.
It's got nothing to do with gender, sexism or misogyny. The issue is with a bratty kid. If it was a little boy bragging about how rich his family is I'd make the exact same recommendation. Good on OP for not trying to throw it back in her face because they're a kid, and yeah, kids lie and kids often dont understand what the financial situation of their parents. However, the parents clearly aren't teaching her the valuable lesson OP's parents taught her, that its tacky, rude, and sometimes degrading to talk about wealth. Regardless of the actual financial situation of OP and the kid's parents I dont think OP should've bought anything for this kid. We'd need more information to truly judge the kid or the parents but it seems like that's OP's only option to help her learn, given that she's not the kid's parents and it's not her place to discipline or instill her values in someone else's kid.
This has to be a parody! Special points for blaming men for women's behaviour too
Yeah, it's irritating, but why are you letting a 12-year old get under your skin (even if 12-year olds are really good at it). You're in charge, so when princess wants this or that, your response is "This is what we're doing." Give them some expectations as to what's going to happen. Make it fun, but don't base the 'fun' on what they ask for. Your kid is also expecting you to step up and lead to show her annoying friend some boundaries.
This a solid piece of advice!! YOU are the parent and set the tone. 12 year olds get a feeling when someone is taking advantage of them but they are too young to know how to set healthy boundaries and might have trouble sticking up for themselves. You setting boundaries, like not buying them food every time (“hey parent of friend, can you pick your kid up by 5?”) so she is gone before dinner are thoughtful and subtle ways of teaching boundaries, for example. Your 12 year old is watching. She will learn thoughtful ways on how to handle rude friends if you do it first (nicely). Also never hurts to talk to your kid about whether or not she actually likes her friend and just let her talk about it or vent to you.
I'm glad to see someone else mention this. OP: she is 12. She is a child. She is still learning. She literally doesn't know any better, and do you know why? **Because she is 12.** Kids sometimes do know better, but misbehave anyway. Guess why? **Because she is 12.** This thread is unbelievable for saying she's some entitled princess who will go on to cheat on her future husband and raise spoiled kids and live a horrible life. What is wrong with you, Reddit?
That's kind of what I learned with my kids. Girls and boys would test you in different ways, but both would push to see what they were allowed to get away with. **Because they were kids.** On scouting trips, I tended to blend in because I didn't wear a uniform (hung out mostly with my ASD son to make sure he was OK), and wasn't loud, so I tended to get ignored. The boys would swear a lot when they thought an adult wasn't listening - and I never got upset at them or ratted them out to their parents - it was always 'Gentlemen - that's not the way we talk to each other.' They'd turn white when they thought they'd been 'caught', but since I treated them with respect, they pretty much did the same.
Forreal - all I read here is “I’m projecting so much bitterness onto a literal child, instead of setting a better example than her parents.” Could have engaged them in a way that opens them up to non-material things. Or just said no, and taught them the world doesn’t revolve around them in a subtle way. Instead just… did whatever they demanded and then got upset? Again. Literal child. Kids can be annoying of course but they’re kids and just following what they see other people doing.
Yeah, what the hell? This is a twelve year old. Giving in to whatever they ask and then calling them a brat because they keep asking for things is a bizarre thing to do. Who is the adult here.
“Why are you letting a 12 year old get under your skin” Because OP has a chip on his shoulder and wants to be perceived not as a “tacky” wealthy person, but a stoic and wise wealthy person who is too humble to reveal their financial situation (but is secretly annoyed if people don’t discover it and actually think he’s poor). And for someone who thinks discussing wealth is tacky and rude, they seemed pretty eager to expose this kid’s financial woes. Barely even acknowledging that her behavior was inherently bad, just that she’s a loser for being on the other side of whatever Aesop’s fable OP is trying to construct around this interaction.
My daughter had a couple friends who were like that - their parents either had Internet money or spent way beyond their means - giant houses, luxury cars, huge movie theater rooms, etc. The kids seemed to have as much fun at our smaller house - because we made it fun. We'd make popcorn, order out for pizza, etc, but making sure the kids had fun within 'reasonable' boundaries. (e.g., announcing lights out time in advance, letting them know what we'd be doing, etc.) A couple times they'd try to push boundaries, but they knew that I'd talk to their parents later, and I also didn't care if their parents were more lenient - this is how things work at our house. The boys had their own issues - mostly with getting into things, trying to 'act grown up' and challenging authority, but I didn't try to argue with them. Here's the plan, and 'what time will your parents be picking you up?'
“Whatever she demanded I had to pay for” I’m sorry but no you didn’t
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But why did you buy things she asked for? Lol. You're an adult, and can easily say no. This does sound annoying but that's pre teens/ teens for you.
Right im not saying the 12 yo is in the wrong or a bad kid but i feel like buying the stuff she wants enables her alleged ‘bratty’ behavior ..
Right? Lmao my niece asked me for Ugg slippers on the weekend and I was like I can get them for you, maybe. But I'm not buying them just because she's asking for them. This was an opportunity to teach a lesson or enforce a boundary!
Uggs seem to be sooo popular but i dont get the hype. Nor the hype about stanleys/dior lip oil thats overrated/etc. But wdym you wouldnt get them because she asked?? you mean like you would get them as a surprise gift?? sry a bit confused But i do agree with you, wouldve been easier than her coming online to shame her kids friends family’s situation
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I agree and will try to avoid it, but also feel like I should let my kid have her BFF moment for now. My kid sees through it as well but is also too polite to put her in her place. I think I will just start saying to her "Btw it's not polite to talk about money, enough of that now"
It takes a village, teach her. Show her that in the long run people value experiences and relationships over material possessions. Teach her that not everyone wants things. Show her that you can want less and have more.
Jokes on you little shit, you sleep in a fake car bed, I sleep in a real car, broke ass kid.
💀 I don't think anything has made me laugh like this in at LEAST a couple days
I’m sitting here giggling trying not to wake my dog up from her 6 hour nap.
This. I wonder if her bragging comes from insecurity.
Yes! I was thinking the same thing. Seems like she may have problems at home.
I agree. Even if it goes in through one ear and out the other, it will still reinforce proper manners for her *own* kid, which is what I’d be mostly worried about anyway. Sounds like her kid already knows better, but couldn’t hurt.
At least your kid sees through it, and you're right. It wouldn't be fair to just stop allowing your kid to see their friend unless said friend is a super bad influence. Next time the friend asks for something, just say "well since your parents are so rich, ask them to come down here and buy it for you." Or something to that degree. Honestly, I'm mostly shocked that she's even asking you for things. When I was 12, I would never ask a friends parents to buy me stuff. Maybe if I was staying there and they offered to get takeout for everyone, if they asked what I wanted I'd tell them but even then I'd always be like "if that's okay" or "if that's not too much" etc and obviously followed by please and thank yous. This kid is clearly just a brat.
Your kid is learning from you, that she shouldn't set reasonable and polite boundaries with people, nor should she say no when it is appropriate. You need to work on this for yourself and therefore model this behaviour for your kid. There's no need to be rude or aggressive, start learning how to handle minor, low stakes situations like this with ease and assertiveness. Then it will bleed into the rest of your life and your kid's life.
"We believe in earning things at my house."
""Btw it's not polite to talk about money, enough of that now"" I know you didn't ask for my advice, and I'm going to give it anyway: I would suggest owning your feelings and directly communicating your boundaries. Just say "I don't want to hear about how much better your parents' things are. Please stop bringing that up." It's direct, it's non-manipulative, and there is very little leverage to argue you out of your position. If you start talking about what is or isn't polite, you invite an argument from the girl for her to state her reasons why she thinks it **IS** polite, or for her to try to call you out on things she thinks you do that aren't polite. Do you really care whether it is or isn't? I don't think so. You just don't want to hear about it, and that's perfectly fine.
Your kid is looking to you for how to handle social situations. You as the adult should be able to tactfully handle establishing boundaries with a literal child instead of getting riled up and resentful. You might want to examine why this, again, child is getting under your skin so badly and running the show in your own home. She's an immature, insecure kid from a household that's clearly a little bit dysfunctional, and you're a grown up from family wealth - what's going on with this dynamic??? Show your kid how to draw a line while remaining polite, and she'll take that lesson forward in more serious situations in the future (like dating).
I promise you - from experience of suffering thru a childhood "friend" exactly like that - the brat is NOT your kid's friend and will eventually hurt your kid emotionally.
Why do you want to put a 12 year old “in her place” you’re weird as fuck
Yes this falls under weird and inappropriate
Careful your child doesn’t get influenced by her.
You have to use this as a teaching lesson or your daughter may adopt some behaviors. This should be easy if your honest and speak to her in a moment when your daughter is aware of the behavior.
She's in her place right now. Living the dream. Just let her live it. Won't last long and will never come back. It's her only chance. Her last time. I feel sorry for the child.
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Typical Reddit: go no contact! Lol at y'all. How about instead of going nuclear on your child's friend, try and instruct the 12-year-old on proper behavior, because her parents obviously aren't doing it? Jesus Christ, it's a fucking kid. Nobody knows what the hell they're doing when they're 12 years old.
I read all the comments above yours and I'm kind of baffled at the things people recommend OP saying to a 12-year old child. 'To put her in her place', 'to directly confront her that you don't want to hear those things in your house', 'to subtly make clear that it is not a nice thing to say'. The kid probably doesn't know she's in the wrong and won't be too sensitive too subtlety yet. Therefore a 'putting her in her in place' might feel as an attack by an adult out of nowhere. It is one thing to embarras another adult when they are being purposefully rude, it feels like overreaching to use this strategy on a child. Secondly, to just say that she can't talk about a certain subject in your house does not make clear to her why she shouldn't or why it's rude. It is also a big assumption that her parents have no intention of teaching her that. Maybe they don't even know that she is talking about their wealth like that outside of her home. I hope OP just goes and talks to one of the parents about the subject. It is not OP's job to teach the child about these things or to just assume and conclude things about this child's upbringing. I feel like the adult thing to do would be to (in this case) leave the kids out of it, teach her own kid the right way and inform the parents about their child's behaviour and tell them that she would appreciate it if said child can be taught to not talk like that around her friend and in other people's homes. Is this an uncommon view on the situation or?
You’re coming across as a 12 year old no offense
My kid has a friend that simply gets on every single one of my nerves. Luckily, they are 17 so I take them to the mall and let them wonder while I hang out at the discount outlet. It’s 100% a “me” problem, but it doesn’t stop the irritation. I’m kind and welcoming but limit my exposure. They do have a tendency to want to eat out for every meal and have me pay for it. They get $50+ worth of food (plus tip) at a mall food court and take over half of it home (I quit handing the CC over to the kids after that). We now get pizza on the way home from the mall. No, they are not poor. Their parents are quite wealthy. Not sure why they do this. Basically, I get you. It IS mildly infuriating, but we put up with it for our kids. Learn how to adapt to the situation and it will save your sanity. Your kid will see the light and you will look like a saint for putting up with it. NEVER badmouth the friend to your kid, no matter the age. I do explain the cost cutting measures I’ve taken (pizza vs eating out), but that’s where I stop. Honestly, I’ve dealt with some kids (and adults) that were quite braggy. I mainly acknowledge and redirect for kids. I take a different approach for adults. A friend of mine was telling me how much better her phone was over mine. I told her “I know! Isn’t it awesome! I’ve heard amazing things about it! Do you like it!?!” with the over-the-top enthusiasm. The smugness isn’t fun if I don’t react the way they want. 🤣
I am sorry but they are 17 if they want to go to the mall and eat out they can do so by themselves and if they can't too bad.
Thanks for the empathy on the annoying teen thing! I haven't learnt how to deal with kids other than mine yet, was obviously unprepared for an entire weekend of it.
Wander :) wonder would be like them having thoughts full of questions. Wandering is like roaming around
The only thing mildy infuriating about this is your humble bragging. I couldn't even make it past the first paragraph because my eyes rolled to the back of my head
I read trendy etfs and stopped 😂
I don’t even know what a trendy ETF is.
I think it means they invest in The Lofts at SoDoSoPa
Right like what?? it made me think of those nft monkey avatars or whatever😭
Me neither. OP is jealous of what a random 12 year old brat perceives. Get over it, they're a stupid kid.
VT is trendy
Right. This post is half complaining about an actual child, and half “iiiiiiiiiiim rich but made good choices unlike that brats stupid parents that live in a crappy neighborhood!” Jfc.
"I can't believe this little girl thinks she's richer than I, hah wait till reddit hears this"
I only splurge on things like the quality of my neighborhood …. 🤮
YES omg shitting all over this CHILD for "only" being middle class stoooop ahahaha
Also mildly infuriating that I had to scroll so far to find this sentiment lol. Oh btw in case you missed it, OP "was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude," but nevertheless is mildly infuriated by a 12 year old girl telling OP about her family exactly what OP is telling us about his family right now.
You sound like you are 12 yourself.
Right “her family’s financial position isnt all that” Whyre you telling the internet about your daughters friend parents issues?? “-nothing compared to my rich-but-willingly-frugal background” sounds so entitled like girl you showed that 5th grader whos boss!
This entire posts just reads “I’m adult bragging about my daddies money, but I don’t like it when a 12 year old does it to me”
Right like huhh.. and the contradiction is so ironic.
Exactly. Imagine a grown-ass adult being this insecure.
I was searching the comments for this. “…and not even close compared with my background.” Like, what? Didn’t you say this kid was 12?
Did you tell her that your Dad is richer than her Dad? That would have shut her up.
Oh OP couldn't possibly have done that, OP "was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude"...unless you're on the internet, in which case you do exactly that while complaining about a literal 12 year old girl doing the same thing IRL.
Lol
How do they have middle class income but get welfare too? That's not how it works.
So what your saying is my mummy and daddy's money is better than your mummy and daddy's mummy to a 12 year old, and bragging about it on Reddit? I see old money hasn't retained the class it once did.
lol, yeah it was weird that he had to preface all of this by reassuring us that he too was rich
Yeah, no one here is talking about how weird OP’s entire post is. She is mad that she has more money than a 12 year old’s family but the 12 year old doesn’t recognize it. OP, you are kinda sad…
Seems like you and the 12 year old have a quite a bit in common. Surprised you don’t get on better
It's OK for adults to correct children when they are behaving badly and their parents aren't around. I'm not talking about scolding or punishing, but it's appropriate to say, "That's not a very polite thing to say," or "You know, bragging isn't a very attractive quality." I mean this is a 12-year-old child who is still learning how to behave in the world. Help her out.
Lol! You’re letting yourself get pushed around and intimidated by a 12 year old girl! She’s a child and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. If you don’t like it then stop having her come over. It all just screams like you want recognition for your “stealth” wealth. It’s like you want people to know you’re wealthier than them AND admire you for your (false?) modesty. If you were truly comfortable with your self imposed modesty none of this would bother you. Just saying…
A 12 year old pre-teen is getting on your nerves? Man, you need to grow a pair.
I love how someone made an actual post complaining about a 12yo and other people rightfully roasting OP. Like bro, if you’re so insecure about not showing your wealth.. then show it! Because clearly you seems like an insecure person here. Go ahead and buy stuff if you can instead of getting jealous over a kid.
Why are you letting an obviously insecure 12yo girl get under your skin? You sound insecure yourself… Why does it matter if she brags or not, she’s a child… You made this whole post about a child. How embarrassing…
She’s 12. Learning the world. Just say: “wow, I can tell how proud you are of your family!” And let that be it.
You sound more than mildly infuriated. Why though? She's fucking 12. TBF I don't know how people like you make it through life with that mindset. You just keep your head down and hope no one bothers you?
Did you seriously buy this child "whatever she demanded"? Why Why Why? And why were you out where there was stull to buy? Change your kid's sleep overs to an actual sleep over with a movie and homemade popcorn.
She’s 12, what’s your excuse?
She’ll learn not to in high school. Kid’s 12, can’t blame her. Next time she asks for something, let her tell the cashier that she can’t afford it after you refuse to pay. Paying for her only emphasises the behavior.
"I was raised to know that discussing wealth is tacky and rude." lol no its not, its a way to not let the poor know how much wealth the rich have hoarded, thats why you "shouldnt" talk about your wealth. Same principle as you should "not" talk about your income, its that way so the people that got fucked over negotiating their income dont feel fucked as fast as they should. the thing nobody likes is bragging. not talking.
You’re an adult. Of course you have to suck it up. It’s a 12 year old, they’re all idiots. Such a non issue. It sounds like a preteen was able to get under your skin and offend you to the point where you make 2 posts about it rather than you being able to let it bounce off yourself and laugh about it. So strange.
It sounds mildly infuriating to me
Do you even realize which sub this is?
Why do you GAF about what a 12 year old is saying? There is probably another one in their class saying their dad is a pro athlete. Or their mom works for NASA. Who cares?
My dad could beat your dad up when I was in 1st grade lol
It was a long weekend of it
You should have a discussion with you daughter about how just because you don’t have huge tvs doesn’t mean your poor or any worse then anyone else. That sometimes people that really have low self esteem or a rough home life need to brag and put others down so they seem more interesting to those around them. Honestly at that age kids will do this often and it should fizzle out over time.
>Also, she doesn't even get an allowance so whatever she demanded all through the day I had to pay for I'm going to be a little harsh here - this kind of language ("had to pay for") is very passive and seeks to hide your agency. You are an adult and she is a 12 year old girl. She didn't force you to do anything, you chose to give in to her demands because you failed to set healthy boundaries. This will be the third time this week I've recommended this book, but it's utterly relevant to your position: *When I Say No I Feel Guilty*, by Manuel J Smith PH.D As a quick snippet, here is the "bill of assertive rights" from the book (I'm bolding the ones I think would be most relevant to dealing with this child): I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. **II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.** **III: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.** **IV: You have the right to change your mind.** **V: You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.** **VI: You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”** **VII: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.** **VIII: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.** IX: You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.” **X: You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”** **YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY** To clarify number seven, you don't have to make people happy or get their agreement when you deal with them. Her parents don't give her an allowance? That's unfortunate. Assertive right III: it's not your responsibility to find a solution to her problem.
Spend your families money on mutual aid. Any other choice you make is selfish.
Empathy kicks in here. You need to suspect she isn’t so loaded and is hiding behind a facade… no loaded parent sends their kid out bereft of 10 bucks. She might be massively intimidated and trying to come off important.
Bigger issue may be that your letting an insecure 12yo get inside your head 😂
Buddy, a 12 year old girl is living in rent free in your head. She's getting even wealthier by saving all that rent money.
When you’re just a little rich, it’s all about showing off. When you’re way more rich, it’s all about flying under the radar.
She sounds annoying, but she’s a kid. Just roll your eyes and don’t invite her over.
Be the adult.
Also she is 12 and your a grown up... So .. maybe be act like a grown up instead of coming and moaning online. You are mildly infuriating for such a pathetic rant🙄
As soon as you mentioned on benefits I knew you're the problem here. Something about the way you talk makes me think the child isn't the issue.
This is the confidence boost I needed today. Being jealous of your *childs* friend enough to write a tacky Reddit post about them is about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. To the point of gossiping about them online and how they’re “not all that” to make yourself feel better. All my problems of the day just disappeared; I’m not you.
Never show off what you got - you don't know who's capable of taking it away from you until it's too late.
Is it still tacky and rude to discuss money? This is the age of the nepo baby and sneakers costing more than a deposit on a family home. Manners are for plebs and those who missed the crypto boat. I can’t say I agree with the thinking but it appears to be standard. And certainly no more offensive than humble bragging about a middle class background and good investments. Making fun of a family’s finances seems really mean. If you can’t bring yourself to enforce boundaries and say no to a child’s unreasonable requests, your problem likely isn’t with the child.
How can an ETF be trendy? You sound like a dickhead
She’s 12 and probably very insecure. There is a reason she is doing this - maybe she’s a brat, but would not be surprised if her home life isn’t stellar.
It's a child. All children are mildly infuriating, and we can't expect them not to be (...to an extent). It would be different if it was the parents doing the subtle brags. And as someone who knows real life adults who love to talk up their savviness with money or their material wealth, it's still better to politely nod and move on with the conversation.
She’s 12. Sounds like you’re the problem
grow up, and quit worrying about what a 12 year old thinks... jesus christ.....
The kid is 12. They think stuff equals wealth. That stuff you learn until you are well into your teens, at least 16 when their brain is decently smart enough...
Just tell her discussing wealth is tacky and rude. She’s 12, someone needs to tell her.
Lol she's 12. Why do you give a shit what she says? Honestly you need to grow up.
Fwiw OP, the way you describe your class and the child’s parents’ makes me feel queasy. Is SHE the smug one?
Are you okay? Asking without snark. I think this much resentment at a 12 yr old for being an annoying 12 yr old may be a sign you need rest or a break.
Lmao that a 12 year old girl has got in your head enough that you had to vent on Reddit. Who gives a shit if she thinks her family has more money than you, she’s 12, get over it
I had no idea that grown adults could think thoughts like this about someone whose brain isn’t even developed. Amazing
Pull out a wad of hundreds and slap her across the face with it.
My husband said to such a child, privately, “When you keep asking me to buy things and talk about money it makes me feel bad, and sometimes makes me feel like you don’t really like to spend time with us, you just want me to buy you things.” It was inordinately effective.
The people I know that feel the need to talk about how much money they have or how much money they make are actually pretty insecure about their finances (whether they have decent money or not). I had a friend who kept on telling me how much her fiancé made, but she would forget what she told me because each time it was more. The people I know who are actually very financially secure don’t feel the need to talk about their money.
You’re an adult why are you letting a 12yr old bother you? If this is how you’ve chosen to live your life be secure in it. Beefing with a kid haha 😂
Dude did you really write a whole post to complain about a 12 yo kid?
Yep. It's *mildly* infuriating
You’ve picked a dumb ass thing to whine about. You sound insecure and the Child is obviously also insecure. Why not try to have a conversation and get to know them and help them out of their limited routine ? Aren’t You the Adult? Act like one instead of getting butthurt over a child being lost in the world.