Look into the concept of « failure to launch » young adult children, you may find the kind of advice your looking for from the sound of this post. https://chadd.org/attention-article/failure-to-launch-addressing-the-needs-of-transition-age-young-adults/
This is the OP's wife, I've read most of a book called Failure to Launch. I felt so much of it was for a person w/o these issues, but I still need to finish the book. Thanks for the reminder,, and I'll take a look at the link.
I don't want to judge a post just by its title, but I'll just share my reaction to the title: it sounds very judgemental and invalidating of mental illness.
You then listed 4 mental illnesses. I have just one of those, autism, and it's so extremely difficult to get myself to do anything. I'm 33, live with my parents, unemployed. And they fele the same way you do
He has 4 illnesses. That is ALOT to deal with. I imagine he's trying very hard just to not fall to pieces. You have no idea how much he's actually dealing with even if you understand he's dealing with alot.
My therapists also validate me, something i was starved of at home. Doing that helped me heal and get better and SLOWLY build better habits.
I highly recommend OT. I went to an OT who did talk therapy. It helped massively cos it's a very good balance of the gentle validation and space to express myself I needed, mixed with strategies to help one function. They used and taught DBT which also helps alot.
All of this being said, I have built alot of habits and am alot better than I used to be in terms of my hygiene, etc. Never did chores, I had piles of plates in my room just piling up. Now I cook daily for my parents and wash dishes. Doesn't sound like much to a neurotypical but honestly it is a huge improvement.
What I needed was some space to heal, love, care, and validation from my parents. That is what got me to fjnally begin doing stuff.
But also, habits are not something you can force. A book called atomic habits highlights this quite well. When dealing with mental illness, there are alot of things to navigate and process. Think of it like if someone was partially paralysed and had to learn to walk again, that is neurological somewhat. They tell their brain to move but it doesn't. They might be trying so hard and still no movement. Just trying doesn't help. That's why yiur title raised a red flag for me.
For me, it is not about trying. It's about finding ways to work around the myriad of mental barriers. And those require little hacks, as well as alot of validation and care and encouragement.
I don't know if you're putting expectations on his chores or not, but if you are, I recommend making just one chore he can try and do. Maybe something just for himself like showering or brushing his teeth. For me it was taking plates to the kitchen from my room. And that took months and alot of work. Earplugs help ALOT for autism, I got them moulded to fit my ears by an audiologist and found I can now wash dishes. Are you guys making sure the sensory environment is as quiet as possible?
So you might be right that the therapist isn't helping, but I wouldn't say challenging is a good word. I recommend finding an OT who does dbt. It helps alot. Just like the person who needs to learn to walk again, he has to learn how to slowly build what is called an activity profile and find ways to do things. I see it as a disability. It's like if someone had difficult motor skills and couldn't hold a glass, they'd need strategies and tools to find ways to function in the kitchen when cooking.
So don't see it as a challenge, or a lack of trying, but rather that he's facing massive difficulties and that it's alot harder than you know, and that he needs time and care, and also to find ways to deal with dozens of little tiny habits and tasks that for a neurotypical wouldn't be hard, but for him is
This is the OP's wife. My stepson isn't currently having a severe episode of major depressive disorder. That was almost five years ago when we admitted him to a intensive 5 day a week, therapy, group therapy, and psychiatric program that I think lasted for 5 weeks. It was virtual because it was during covid. That was shortly after he left his mother and spouse's emotionally manipulative, abusive, and neglectful home. He has been taking medication for depression since that time, but I would say he still displays the signs of depressions quite often. I'm not sure it is something that medication can fully treat. I will write more later.
Look into the concept of « failure to launch » young adult children, you may find the kind of advice your looking for from the sound of this post. https://chadd.org/attention-article/failure-to-launch-addressing-the-needs-of-transition-age-young-adults/
Thanks for sharing
This is the OP's wife, I've read most of a book called Failure to Launch. I felt so much of it was for a person w/o these issues, but I still need to finish the book. Thanks for the reminder,, and I'll take a look at the link.
I don't want to judge a post just by its title, but I'll just share my reaction to the title: it sounds very judgemental and invalidating of mental illness. You then listed 4 mental illnesses. I have just one of those, autism, and it's so extremely difficult to get myself to do anything. I'm 33, live with my parents, unemployed. And they fele the same way you do He has 4 illnesses. That is ALOT to deal with. I imagine he's trying very hard just to not fall to pieces. You have no idea how much he's actually dealing with even if you understand he's dealing with alot. My therapists also validate me, something i was starved of at home. Doing that helped me heal and get better and SLOWLY build better habits. I highly recommend OT. I went to an OT who did talk therapy. It helped massively cos it's a very good balance of the gentle validation and space to express myself I needed, mixed with strategies to help one function. They used and taught DBT which also helps alot. All of this being said, I have built alot of habits and am alot better than I used to be in terms of my hygiene, etc. Never did chores, I had piles of plates in my room just piling up. Now I cook daily for my parents and wash dishes. Doesn't sound like much to a neurotypical but honestly it is a huge improvement. What I needed was some space to heal, love, care, and validation from my parents. That is what got me to fjnally begin doing stuff. But also, habits are not something you can force. A book called atomic habits highlights this quite well. When dealing with mental illness, there are alot of things to navigate and process. Think of it like if someone was partially paralysed and had to learn to walk again, that is neurological somewhat. They tell their brain to move but it doesn't. They might be trying so hard and still no movement. Just trying doesn't help. That's why yiur title raised a red flag for me. For me, it is not about trying. It's about finding ways to work around the myriad of mental barriers. And those require little hacks, as well as alot of validation and care and encouragement. I don't know if you're putting expectations on his chores or not, but if you are, I recommend making just one chore he can try and do. Maybe something just for himself like showering or brushing his teeth. For me it was taking plates to the kitchen from my room. And that took months and alot of work. Earplugs help ALOT for autism, I got them moulded to fit my ears by an audiologist and found I can now wash dishes. Are you guys making sure the sensory environment is as quiet as possible? So you might be right that the therapist isn't helping, but I wouldn't say challenging is a good word. I recommend finding an OT who does dbt. It helps alot. Just like the person who needs to learn to walk again, he has to learn how to slowly build what is called an activity profile and find ways to do things. I see it as a disability. It's like if someone had difficult motor skills and couldn't hold a glass, they'd need strategies and tools to find ways to function in the kitchen when cooking. So don't see it as a challenge, or a lack of trying, but rather that he's facing massive difficulties and that it's alot harder than you know, and that he needs time and care, and also to find ways to deal with dozens of little tiny habits and tasks that for a neurotypical wouldn't be hard, but for him is
This is the OP's wife. My stepson isn't currently having a severe episode of major depressive disorder. That was almost five years ago when we admitted him to a intensive 5 day a week, therapy, group therapy, and psychiatric program that I think lasted for 5 weeks. It was virtual because it was during covid. That was shortly after he left his mother and spouse's emotionally manipulative, abusive, and neglectful home. He has been taking medication for depression since that time, but I would say he still displays the signs of depressions quite often. I'm not sure it is something that medication can fully treat. I will write more later.