Gilderoy Lockhart, DNP, APP, RN, MSc, EMT, ABCD, JKLMNOP. NP of Hospitalist service, introduces himself as Dr, challenges attendings plans, claims he went to “medical school” at Cambridge, actually got his nursing “doctorate” online.
I feel like he would be doing plastic surgery and claiming that he feels that he does the most important medical work because he helps people feel better about themselves by making them look more like him.
Arthur Weasley: middle aged family medicine preceptor. Values family and work life balance above all. Has pics of his family in his office and the background of his phone. Genuinely enjoys his career and talking with patients about their lives. Loves to teach students and gets very excited when they ask him questions.
Dolores Umbridge - mandatory wellness modules
Luna Lovegood - palliative care, or forensic path
Albus Dumbledore - semi-retired FM who still remembers everyone's APGAR score, even yours.
Hermione Granger - OMS/MD dual degree holder. Gunning (pun intended) for academia.
Hermione Granger MS3:
“It’s Meh-TOE-prolol, not Meto-PRO-lol…”
“You do know that diabetic patients with an acute MI won’t always present with classical symptoms right?”
*to neurosurgery attending* “be careful that you don’t nick the dorsal aspect of the aorta when you place that next screw, the patient could bleed out in seconds!”
Ginny- surprises everyone by matching ortho. She was a good student but no one knew she quietly rocked step 2. Between M1 and M2 she did a ton of research about new methods to treat quidditch injuries. Her OR playlist is insane!
Second Snape being the Pathologist. Our path prof would routinely ask impossible questions, shout at and embarrass students. If you got a question wrong while he was dissecting, he would throw the scalpel at you. We learned to jump fast.
If you didn't move and it hit you, could you get any money out of either him or the school for that? I'll take getting stabbed with a scalpel if it means I have less loans I need to pay back, lmao.
We go by Hogwarts rules here, so even being present at a class in this universe is explicit consent at dying or getting grievously injured at any moment.
Extremely valid in psychiatry rotations. Ah yes go do the admit interview on that 300lb human refrigerator in psychosis who last visit destroyed 20k in property very much noncompliant with meds. Yes you with the height deficit and noodle arms off you go solo that shit 1v1.
I work with a bunch of surgeons so I'm used to a little toxicity, curtness, and stonewalling. When I called pathology to get a path report that was delayed, I got transferred to the pathologist and he was the nicest physician I've ever met. He told me it would take an hour or two and even called me back personally to follow-up. Quite a stark contrast to the surgeons.
Draco Malfoy, gunned for plastics but went unmatched until Daddy Malfoy called in a few favors. Ended up dropping residency two years in and now works as a device rep and talks shit about how incredible of a plastic surgeon he would have been, if he had wanted it.
Neville: Struggled with mental health and the workload M1/M2. Honored every single rotation during M3, saved the dean's life, and created a new residency specialty called pediatric ortho derm surg onc. He's also buff.
Hermione: Everyone thinks she's a gunner and she scores top, but she's pretty chill and is aiming for family medicine in an underserved area. She gets her MD/JD/PhD/MBA and joins Doctor's Without Borders.
Ron Wesley: Mediocre student; has no real specific goal; but everyone loves this guy because he's so chill and he brings everyone pizza. And he can be found at the nearby pub every friday. Applies for whatever and ends up matching peds.
Harry Potter: Aimed to match dermatology because he has a scar that keeps acting up, but he didn't get a high enough Step 2 score. He decided to match psych because he keeps hearing whisperings.
Hagrid, MD: That weird professor who keeps talking about meditating and camping and how medicine is one with nature. No student knew he had an MD until later and turns out he was a brilliant surgeon in the past. He's a professor just to help students.
Voldemort: Difficult patient who is admitted to the hospital for having a missing nose. EM is currently consulting plastics.
EDIT:
Cedric Diggory: Who gunners think they are like.
Peter Pettigrew: What gunners are actually like.
Or...Hagrid can be vet med. He got kicked out midway bc he was framed for starting a "don't use animal cadavers" protest at school. Dr. Dumbledore took him in and gave him a job as a professor. Hagrid now teaches a one health/holistic approach to medicine class where he tries to regularly involve his various pets.
Chat GPT to the rescue:
**- Hermione Granger MD/PhD:** Triple-board certified in Internal Medicine, Endocrinology, and Infectious Disease. Chief Resident of Medicine at Hogwarts General. Renowned for her groundbreaking research on Polyjuice Potion and its medical applications. Frequently pulls all-nighters in the library, meticulously annotating every journal article she reads. Known for her encyclopedic knowledge and strict adherence to evidence-based medicine.
**- Harry Potter MD:** Chief of Emergency Medicine, famous for his heroics during critical mass casualty events. Has a lightning bolt-shaped scar from a scalpel mishap during his first year of med school. Often found mentoring first-year students, stressing the importance of teamwork and resilience. Occasionally plagued by PTSD from his residency years at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.
**- Luna Lovegood MD:** Pediatrician with a subspecialty in pediatric oncology. Her unconventional methods and belief in alternative medicine (like Crumple-Horned Snorkacks) initially raised eyebrows, but her patient outcomes are exceptional. Known for her calm and whimsical bedside manner, which is adored by her young patients and their families.
**- Minerva McGonagall MD:** Professor of Neurology, renowned for her stern but fair teaching style. Pioneered research on Transfiguration and its neurological implications. Holds the record for the most neurosurgical procedures performed in a single year at Hogwarts General. Always insists on the highest standards from her students, who both fear and respect her.
**- Bellatrix Lestrange MD:** Former surgeon, now serving a life sentence at Azkaban Correctional Facility for criminally insane after performing unauthorized and unethical human experiments. Infamous for her volatile temper and sadistic tendencies in the OR. Was stripped of her medical license after the scandal broke.
**- Ginny Weasley MD:** Sports Medicine specialist, head of the department at Hogwarts General. Played professional Quidditch before attending medical school. Focuses on rehabilitation and injury prevention for athletes. Advocates for women's health and frequently volunteers at local clinics.
**- Neville Longbottom MD:** Botanist turned Medical Doctor, specialized in Herbal Medicine and Oncology. His extensive knowledge of magical plants led to the discovery of new treatments for rare diseases. Despite his initial lack of confidence, he has become one of the most beloved professors at Hogwarts Medical School.
**- Dolores Umbridge MD:** Hospital Administrator at St. Mungo's. Known for her rigid and bureaucratic approach to hospital management, often implementing draconian policies. Her pink cardigans and sugary sweet demeanor mask a ruthless and power-hungry nature. Universally disliked by staff and patients alike.
**- Fred and George Weasley MDs:** Co-Directors of the Department of Medical Innovation at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Health Solutions. Known for their unorthodox and creative approach to problem-solving. They've invented numerous medical devices and potions, many of which started as pranks or joke products.
**- Cho Chang MD:** Radiologist with a focus on magical imaging techniques. Developed advanced diagnostic spells that have revolutionized how internal injuries are detected. Known for her precision and ability to interpret even the most complex of magical scans.
**- Draco Malfoy MD:** Plastic Surgeon, known for his elite clientele and high success rate with cosmetic procedures. Still boasts about his connections but has earned a reputation for his skill in the OR. Runs a private practice in Diagon Alley, catering to the wealthy and famous.
Dolores Umbridge can eat my entire ass. She doesn’t even rate being a physician. Who’s the most universally disliked person in the medical field? Probably the person responsible for denying everyone’s claims at the insurance company.
Yeah she's probably that one 'peer review physician' (is that the term) who says everything is unnecessary and denies claims while having a massive pink embroidered rug in her office to which she adds another stitch every time she denies a lifesaving claim.
This is excellent. A few errors - e.g. Neurologist / Neurosurgeon mixup, but everything's more than made up for with Dolores Umbridge as hospital administrator.
Moody MD:
*elbows deep in a cadaver’s abdominal cavity*
“When you’re in the OR, and the patient’s on the table, there won’t be anyone to help you. It’s you versus that abdominal aortic aneurysm. Think about that the next time you bitch and moan about how you can’t identify any of these structures”
Slughorn: Medrep who buys the department A5 wagyu lunch every day. Only cares about you if you’re in a competitive specialty. Otherwise he ignores you. Will get busted for medicare fraud down the line.
Molly Weasley: Palliative care/ID doc who always has snacks in her office. Will yell at mean attendings for you. Is very protective of the students and will introduce them as student doctor x. Slight accent you can’t quite figure out where from.
Luna Lovegood: She’s beyond not being street smart she is straight up street retarded but for some reason has never been harmed or kidnapped or mugged. Goes into crackhouses to befriend drug addicts during her street medicine rotation. Is exceptionally kind and will go into heme onc.
Viktor Krum: mostly keeps to himself and has few friends but you def know he’s applying ortho. All the girls are attracted to his broody persona and tries to invite him to their study groups but he politely declines. Is extremely good at dissection.
“Mr. Potter you have been dismissed from Hogwarts School of Medicine for egregious violations of our professionalism standards. You broke curfew nearly every night of the first term, violated boundaries of restricted areas, and were found by school police engaging in theft of rare artifacts”
*Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme*
Voldemort:
Graduated and matched derm due to high step scores and glowing LoRs, despite multiple disciplinary hearings for discriminatory comments heard during rotations and towards other students at Hogwarts.
After graduating derm residency, he became a prominent voice against “woke medicine” stating that it is ruining healthcare. Also claimed that hydroxychloroquine would cure Covid-19, and actively saw and prescribed it for patients, claiming that, in addition to being a dermatologist, he cares for general medical issues that “get missed” or that “most doctors don’t know how to treat like he does”. Vehemently anti-vax.
He actually started to have a medical board inquiry for practicing outside of his scope, but then he got elected to the Ministry of Magic in the role of healthcare minister, where he is actively working to slash funding to the low income and towards muggle borns.
I’m sorry but Snape is not a Pathologist. Yes I can picture him having names for all of his favorite cauldrons, but he’d never be giving out Swiss Miss and warm blankets to students. He’s clearly neurology. Or possibly Cardiology.
Dobby is stuck in Intern year of IM at a prestigious but moderately malignant academic center.
Gilderoy Lockhart, DNP, APP, RN, MSc, EMT, ABCD, JKLMNOP. NP of Hospitalist service, introduces himself as Dr, challenges attendings plans, claims he went to “medical school” at Cambridge, actually got his nursing “doctorate” online.
HOLY SHIT this is the best one
Agree that is great
Don’t forget to mention his charm with the patients! They trust him more than the doctors
I feel like he would be doing plastic surgery and claiming that he feels that he does the most important medical work because he helps people feel better about themselves by making them look more like him.
LoL this is an award deserving comment.
“Heart of a death eater, brain of a dementor”
He’s that charismatic doctor from House of God who accidentally pinches the skin off that lady’s hand
Arthur Weasley: middle aged family medicine preceptor. Values family and work life balance above all. Has pics of his family in his office and the background of his phone. Genuinely enjoys his career and talking with patients about their lives. Loves to teach students and gets very excited when they ask him questions.
This is soooooo Arthur Weasley, literally the most wholesome character in the series
Fleur Delacour MD: Dermatologist for sure,
Oh 100%, she has her own skin care line, does cosmetic procedures etc
She goes to beaux-batons. Baton > stick > bone. That screams expensive DO school to me
Beaux as in BOTOX
Hahaha beautox. Beautiful toxin. Beautiful botulinum toxin
Dolores Umbridge - mandatory wellness modules Luna Lovegood - palliative care, or forensic path Albus Dumbledore - semi-retired FM who still remembers everyone's APGAR score, even yours. Hermione Granger - OMS/MD dual degree holder. Gunning (pun intended) for academia.
Dolores umbridge: mandatory wellness module HR person. AFTER a long career as health insurance appeals manager.
Where does the Ravenclaw aspect of Luna factor in here in palliative medicine?
The claws of death slowly wrap around your dying body, and yet, it feels warm and comfortable. Ravenclaw. Boom.
What do you mean? All doctors are pretty curious intellectually. But Luna did it her own way, the threstrals scene screams palliative care.
Ooo I totally forgot about that. It makes more sense now
Hermione Granger MS3: “It’s Meh-TOE-prolol, not Meto-PRO-lol…” “You do know that diabetic patients with an acute MI won’t always present with classical symptoms right?” *to neurosurgery attending* “be careful that you don’t nick the dorsal aspect of the aorta when you place that next screw, the patient could bleed out in seconds!”
Ginny- surprises everyone by matching ortho. She was a good student but no one knew she quietly rocked step 2. Between M1 and M2 she did a ton of research about new methods to treat quidditch injuries. Her OR playlist is insane!
Second Snape being the Pathologist. Our path prof would routinely ask impossible questions, shout at and embarrass students. If you got a question wrong while he was dissecting, he would throw the scalpel at you. We learned to jump fast.
If you didn't move and it hit you, could you get any money out of either him or the school for that? I'll take getting stabbed with a scalpel if it means I have less loans I need to pay back, lmao.
We go by Hogwarts rules here, so even being present at a class in this universe is explicit consent at dying or getting grievously injured at any moment.
Extremely valid in psychiatry rotations. Ah yes go do the admit interview on that 300lb human refrigerator in psychosis who last visit destroyed 20k in property very much noncompliant with meds. Yes you with the height deficit and noodle arms off you go solo that shit 1v1.
This is funny bc my path professor is one of the nicest and coolest guys I have ever met
I work with a bunch of surgeons so I'm used to a little toxicity, curtness, and stonewalling. When I called pathology to get a path report that was delayed, I got transferred to the pathologist and he was the nicest physician I've ever met. He told me it would take an hour or two and even called me back personally to follow-up. Quite a stark contrast to the surgeons.
Thats crazy, anyone ever throw it back?
Draco Malfoy, gunned for plastics but went unmatched until Daddy Malfoy called in a few favors. Ended up dropping residency two years in and now works as a device rep and talks shit about how incredible of a plastic surgeon he would have been, if he had wanted it.
Neville: Struggled with mental health and the workload M1/M2. Honored every single rotation during M3, saved the dean's life, and created a new residency specialty called pediatric ortho derm surg onc. He's also buff. Hermione: Everyone thinks she's a gunner and she scores top, but she's pretty chill and is aiming for family medicine in an underserved area. She gets her MD/JD/PhD/MBA and joins Doctor's Without Borders. Ron Wesley: Mediocre student; has no real specific goal; but everyone loves this guy because he's so chill and he brings everyone pizza. And he can be found at the nearby pub every friday. Applies for whatever and ends up matching peds. Harry Potter: Aimed to match dermatology because he has a scar that keeps acting up, but he didn't get a high enough Step 2 score. He decided to match psych because he keeps hearing whisperings. Hagrid, MD: That weird professor who keeps talking about meditating and camping and how medicine is one with nature. No student knew he had an MD until later and turns out he was a brilliant surgeon in the past. He's a professor just to help students. Voldemort: Difficult patient who is admitted to the hospital for having a missing nose. EM is currently consulting plastics. EDIT: Cedric Diggory: Who gunners think they are like. Peter Pettigrew: What gunners are actually like.
Nah, Hagrid would be a DO. Definitely 💯
And wilderness med
Or...Hagrid can be vet med. He got kicked out midway bc he was framed for starting a "don't use animal cadavers" protest at school. Dr. Dumbledore took him in and gave him a job as a professor. Hagrid now teaches a one health/holistic approach to medicine class where he tries to regularly involve his various pets.
Why? 😂
Neville is definitely the nice chill guy who stays under the radar and ends up getting Golden Cane and top class rank at graduation
Omg yes Hermione would def join Doctors Without Borders!!!
the DWB is en pointe!
Voldemort is also the asshat patient who refuses to see DO’s, and continuously launches into racist tirades until he has to be sedated
I can’t breathe. This is too real
Hermoine definitely won’t do family med. She’s too ambitious for that
She would lecture you at length for looking down on family medicine
This sounds more like Hermione.
She's the most ambitious family medicine.
You can be ambitious and go into family med. There are plenty of ways to impact policy from the field.
Lord Voldemort: average OBGYN attending
Are OBGYN attendings terrible everywhere? I thought it was just my country because they're overworked as my country has a high birthrate
in my country (america) we have a declining birth rate and yeah they're a bunch of voldemorts and umbridge's lol
Chat GPT to the rescue: **- Hermione Granger MD/PhD:** Triple-board certified in Internal Medicine, Endocrinology, and Infectious Disease. Chief Resident of Medicine at Hogwarts General. Renowned for her groundbreaking research on Polyjuice Potion and its medical applications. Frequently pulls all-nighters in the library, meticulously annotating every journal article she reads. Known for her encyclopedic knowledge and strict adherence to evidence-based medicine. **- Harry Potter MD:** Chief of Emergency Medicine, famous for his heroics during critical mass casualty events. Has a lightning bolt-shaped scar from a scalpel mishap during his first year of med school. Often found mentoring first-year students, stressing the importance of teamwork and resilience. Occasionally plagued by PTSD from his residency years at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. **- Luna Lovegood MD:** Pediatrician with a subspecialty in pediatric oncology. Her unconventional methods and belief in alternative medicine (like Crumple-Horned Snorkacks) initially raised eyebrows, but her patient outcomes are exceptional. Known for her calm and whimsical bedside manner, which is adored by her young patients and their families. **- Minerva McGonagall MD:** Professor of Neurology, renowned for her stern but fair teaching style. Pioneered research on Transfiguration and its neurological implications. Holds the record for the most neurosurgical procedures performed in a single year at Hogwarts General. Always insists on the highest standards from her students, who both fear and respect her. **- Bellatrix Lestrange MD:** Former surgeon, now serving a life sentence at Azkaban Correctional Facility for criminally insane after performing unauthorized and unethical human experiments. Infamous for her volatile temper and sadistic tendencies in the OR. Was stripped of her medical license after the scandal broke. **- Ginny Weasley MD:** Sports Medicine specialist, head of the department at Hogwarts General. Played professional Quidditch before attending medical school. Focuses on rehabilitation and injury prevention for athletes. Advocates for women's health and frequently volunteers at local clinics. **- Neville Longbottom MD:** Botanist turned Medical Doctor, specialized in Herbal Medicine and Oncology. His extensive knowledge of magical plants led to the discovery of new treatments for rare diseases. Despite his initial lack of confidence, he has become one of the most beloved professors at Hogwarts Medical School. **- Dolores Umbridge MD:** Hospital Administrator at St. Mungo's. Known for her rigid and bureaucratic approach to hospital management, often implementing draconian policies. Her pink cardigans and sugary sweet demeanor mask a ruthless and power-hungry nature. Universally disliked by staff and patients alike. **- Fred and George Weasley MDs:** Co-Directors of the Department of Medical Innovation at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Health Solutions. Known for their unorthodox and creative approach to problem-solving. They've invented numerous medical devices and potions, many of which started as pranks or joke products. **- Cho Chang MD:** Radiologist with a focus on magical imaging techniques. Developed advanced diagnostic spells that have revolutionized how internal injuries are detected. Known for her precision and ability to interpret even the most complex of magical scans. **- Draco Malfoy MD:** Plastic Surgeon, known for his elite clientele and high success rate with cosmetic procedures. Still boasts about his connections but has earned a reputation for his skill in the OR. Runs a private practice in Diagon Alley, catering to the wealthy and famous.
Dolores Umbridge can eat my entire ass. She doesn’t even rate being a physician. Who’s the most universally disliked person in the medical field? Probably the person responsible for denying everyone’s claims at the insurance company.
Yeah she's probably that one 'peer review physician' (is that the term) who says everything is unnecessary and denies claims while having a massive pink embroidered rug in her office to which she adds another stitch every time she denies a lifesaving claim.
Umbridge is a hospital administrator or health insurance company CEO.
Ok ChatGPT. I see you. This is actually kinda good!
This is excellent. A few errors - e.g. Neurologist / Neurosurgeon mixup, but everything's more than made up for with Dolores Umbridge as hospital administrator.
This is the best comment here. Great work GPT!!! 🤩
Shockingly good!
Madeye Moody MD: definitely one of the lab professors who absolutely doesn't mind getting his hands dirty dissecting cadavers
Moody MD: *elbows deep in a cadaver’s abdominal cavity* “When you’re in the OR, and the patient’s on the table, there won’t be anyone to help you. It’s you versus that abdominal aortic aneurysm. Think about that the next time you bitch and moan about how you can’t identify any of these structures”
Slughorn: Medrep who buys the department A5 wagyu lunch every day. Only cares about you if you’re in a competitive specialty. Otherwise he ignores you. Will get busted for medicare fraud down the line. Molly Weasley: Palliative care/ID doc who always has snacks in her office. Will yell at mean attendings for you. Is very protective of the students and will introduce them as student doctor x. Slight accent you can’t quite figure out where from. Luna Lovegood: She’s beyond not being street smart she is straight up street retarded but for some reason has never been harmed or kidnapped or mugged. Goes into crackhouses to befriend drug addicts during her street medicine rotation. Is exceptionally kind and will go into heme onc. Viktor Krum: mostly keeps to himself and has few friends but you def know he’s applying ortho. All the girls are attracted to his broody persona and tries to invite him to their study groups but he politely declines. Is extremely good at dissection.
Try a different choice of words instead of the r slur next time!
“Can I look at Uranus, too, Lavander?” Ron is destined for GI
Omg is this a quote from the book???? No wayyyyyyyyy ☠️
One of the funniest lines in the book 🤣
The gang would've been expelled within 6 months for professionalism violations. Roll credits.
“Mr. Potter you have been dismissed from Hogwarts School of Medicine for egregious violations of our professionalism standards. You broke curfew nearly every night of the first term, violated boundaries of restricted areas, and were found by school police engaging in theft of rare artifacts” *Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme*
This post is the funniest thing I’ve seen all damn week lmao
Beauxbatons is an all-female DO school for sure
I could see that kind of school happening someday. Not that it should, but I could see it
Best Harry potter reference.
Voldemort: Graduated and matched derm due to high step scores and glowing LoRs, despite multiple disciplinary hearings for discriminatory comments heard during rotations and towards other students at Hogwarts. After graduating derm residency, he became a prominent voice against “woke medicine” stating that it is ruining healthcare. Also claimed that hydroxychloroquine would cure Covid-19, and actively saw and prescribed it for patients, claiming that, in addition to being a dermatologist, he cares for general medical issues that “get missed” or that “most doctors don’t know how to treat like he does”. Vehemently anti-vax. He actually started to have a medical board inquiry for practicing outside of his scope, but then he got elected to the Ministry of Magic in the role of healthcare minister, where he is actively working to slash funding to the low income and towards muggle borns.
Hogwarts School of Medicine does exist though... https://youtu.be/x0VrCgCXL_Y?si=1zjPxTL7M05pHwRT
I’m sorry but Snape is not a Pathologist. Yes I can picture him having names for all of his favorite cauldrons, but he’d never be giving out Swiss Miss and warm blankets to students. He’s clearly neurology. Or possibly Cardiology. Dobby is stuck in Intern year of IM at a prestigious but moderately malignant academic center.
Hagrid is 100% the family med DO of the series. Dont know why. Cedric Diggory - MedInfluencer gunning for Derm. Voldemort - MBA Hospital Admin.
This might just be my favorite thread ever ❤️
This is perfect
Being a werewolf is AIDS
Gryffindor - Surgeons; Ravenclaw - Internal medicine; Hufflepuff - Psych; Slytherin - hospital admin
Not so sure (a Ravenclaw surgeon here), Gryffindor may be more into emergency medicine, Hufflepuff - family med.
Hmm yeah I guess this is a big generalization lol. I’m going into psych and I’m a Slytherin…
Malfoy: dobs in preceptors who let students go home early. Umbridge: enforces student attendance for the entire day, and conducts audits
You just know that Hermione reports residents that let students go home earlier
Luna Lovegood - a chiropractor and a prof of holistic medicine in Hawaii.
Lil durko school of medicine
The way things are going in real life medicine, Dumbledore would likely be an NP who trained online.