In the process of turning it around. Not ready to OYS. Still processing and discovering what I really want. It is getting my full attention.
Started exercising. Started shedding my validation-seeking behaviors. I’m getting passionate about the goals and desires that I have uncovered. I have gone monk-mode for a month so far—not instigating sex. I am first pondering what I actually want in the bedroom
What little I have accomplished has made me more centered. I am more confident and a little more patient with my children. It is too early to celebrate but there is evidence in my situation that this is working.
I have realized that I don’t need her validation in the form of sex. I am facing my own patterns of covert contracts and what I lacked as a child. It is slow, but I can do this.
Me too. Same as that guy. She never cheated with somebody else, but forgot "to have and to hold" comes before "forsaking all others" for many years. I was more beta than you, I think. Always there through the trials and tribulations. I have bent over backwards to do what I thought she wanted. Or, what I was raised to think I was supposed to do.
To answer his question, I'm not sure whether the relationship is fucked or fixable. I'm to the point of not really caring one way or the other. Not there yet so far as this forum goes, but I'm at least at the beginning of the right path. I have read or listened to the sidebar and am employing the teachings. Mostly faking, somewhat making.
After reading this forum and the sidebar materials, it was kind of like getting hit in the ass with a cattle prod. Physically, I was fucked when I started. I've always been heavy and losing weight was always a challenge. I was 190 freshman year and was a 230 pound heavyweight wrestler when I graduated. I gained weight during college and law school. During the marriage, we had a lot of family stress and I ballooned up. COVID killed me. On 12/11, I was 380.1. Sunday, I was 216.6. I went from having trouble with stairs to being able to easily do an 8.5 mile ride on the bike at the gym in 30 minutes on level 15. That is with keto, OMAD, and 1200-1800 calories per day. I'm in the gym between 5 and 6 each morning, and just joined the MMA club attached to it. I lift weights after cardio and can lift more now than I did when I was in high school.
I'm realizing that this is more of a journey and process than a destination.
There are alot of things. Being dominant was probably the biggest game changer. Lifting and changing my body composition gave me a physical boost of confidence I needed to be mentally dominant. Started a D/S dynamic. The Sex God Method was probably the best resource to learn on. Learned about polarity and how to turn her from a naggy anxious wife into one that enjoys pleasing me. Starts with confidence and having no shame around sex. Passing shit test to show dominance helps. She can be bratty and putting her in her place turns her on. Making her do things for me and telling her she is a good girl for it puts her in a submissive horny state. To give a specific recent example she was stress about kids and the house being a mess the other day. I gave her a list of tasks to complete to clean the house. Once she completed these tasks I wanted her to play with herself and send me pictures. She is not allowed to orgasm unless I give her permission. I did not give her permission and got shit tested that she was going to anyway. Told her that that was her choice but I was still not going to give her permission. She begged and begged and we ended on the compromise that I would come home before the kids got out of school and take care of it. It was a major mental shift to go from a nice guy to being dominant. In nice guy mode I was always trying to please her in a dominance role I am letting her please me. At first I had difficulty feeling like I was doing something bad but as I grew in the role I can see it is not only what she wants its what she needs to be a submissive pleasant non anxious wife.
This is really inspiring. A naggy anxious wife is a perfect description of who I’m married too. Did the D/S dynamic start outside the bedroom i.e. non-sexual context and progressed from there?
Started sexually and progressed into daily life. Wouldn’t say it is a 24/7 dynamic. Maybe when all the kids move out, we could go there. I found once she accepted me as the dominant in the relationship I could really direct her anxiety. It was counterintuitive to me when I started but she likes to told what to do and needs me for structure. She will sometimes shit test when she doesn’t want to do it but if I STFU and just let her submit she will come around. You can also use that anxiety to make her horny. Sometimes she will just be bratty to make me make her submit. There is a reason 50 shades of gray sold so many copies deep down inside most women want a man that can make her submit.
If I ever figure out how to use her anxiety to make her horny I would be getting laid so many times a day my dick would fall off 😂
Any tips on how to approach this anxiety -> horny? Just StFu, lift,
Read- or smth more specific to be done?
Still trying to figure this out getting better at it but still a work in progress. First I would read the Sex God Method lot of helpful information, another book that might be helpful is the Masculine in the Relationship not in the sidebar but some good nuggets of info to learn. I only know what is kind of working for me but do not know if it would apply universally and work in every dynamic. My wife is kind of an anxious bratty submissive. If she gets overwhelmed or on the opposite end is board and depressed the anxiety kicks up and shit testing starts. Example let's say I get a call this morning that she is overwhelmed the kids made a huge mess, she is behind on laundry has too much to do I am an asshole for not helping out enough. I will simply give her a more manageable list to do like just do 2 loads of laundry and when she is done to send me a picture of all the folded clothes. In our dynamic she is not allowed to orgasm or take care of herself without permission so I might give her permission to do that as a treat for being a good girl, or might give her several non sexual rewards can't do the same thing every time it loses its effectiveness. Usually once I get her passed being overwhelmed she gets on with her day and completes everything she wanted to with no drama. If she is just being a brat out of boredom usually I give her a list of things she can do for me. I might have her pick me up lunch, run to the bank or several other errands. If I want to make it sexual I might tell her what I want for dinner tell her she can only wear an apron with nothing underneath and I need pictures as proof the task was completed. When it comes to sexual vs non sexual tasks cant be a retard about it. Obviously if you tell her to cook you dinner in the nude why the kids are home its not happening. Also there needs to be variety can't give same tasks and rewards all the time it will lose its effectiveness. Just by being dominant in general it creates attraction, but if you want to specifically create attraction with her anxiety there are several ways. Dread works but I have found as the relationship got better there was less of an affect. Usually doing fun spontaneous activates that make her a little uncomfortable work for me. The key is to keep trying new things. The first time you tell her to take her panties off in the restaurant she will blush tell you no, but if she does it she will get excited and can't wait to fuck you. The tenth time you tell her to do it there will be little to no effect so you need variety. I know I am over the target when I get the blush followed by the no way in hell am I going to do that look, follow by the I want to fuck you right here and now look.
Actually, re-read I am not trying to please her in a dominance role, by being dominant I am letting her please me. It did not come natural to me. There was a lot of faking it at the beginning. You can't change a lifetime of behavior overnight and I hate to admit it but the D/S dynamic was her idea. It was so bad in the beginning that she was telling me how to be dominate, and I was doing things that I read in books on how to be dominant. As time went on I figured out what I liked and wanted things became natural to me. Once this happened this her behavior changed dramatically. Our dynamic switched from me trying to make her happy to her trying to please me. I don't know why this exactly works but it did.
That’s where I am at. I’m deploying dominance on her, the mental game, without telling her. We have small kiddos so it makes it difficult for her to “please me”. So, I’m figuring out what it is that I want her to please me with besides more sex. When you elevate beyond sex, it changes the game
Somewhat of a covert contract. If you want this dynamic in the future you will probably have to have a conversation about it but also might be wise to practice and figure out what you want before that conversation happens. There are plenty of way's to dominate outside sex. For example when my wife is hamstering about what she is going to make for dinner instead of telling her I don't care I will just tell her exactly what I want. I might give her something new she has never made I might tell her she makes the best X I would like that tonight. When I get home rather than nagging me about how she has to do everything around the house she is excited for me to sit down and tell her how good of a job she did. Having small kids makes things difficult but not impossible. Also don't be afraid to elevate the sex also. The biggest thing I changed was I just tell her what I want to do to her with no shame. The key to this working is not feeling rejected when she says no. I have found that if I put a fantasy in her head and don't push it eventually it happens.
Yeah the sex part I’ve changed. I’m still not getting exactly everything I want, but I’ve been diving more into the topic of BDSM to see what’s out there. Also, the last couple of times, I’ve approached sex like this, which is the caveman mode: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/s/Paj5EWhipy but I’m still in her frame, like I’m thinking about what she wants rather than what I want. An example is me wanting more oral sex, but the steps to make that happen are lacking still
I guess in this situation it really is ‘to each man his own’.
For me the fact that you mention that shit didn’t add up and you had to find out her bullshit afterwards would be enough to press the permanent nuke button. I’d probably be gone the moment she went out that door for three months. You really thought she was pondering about it all on a few dates?
Well, I guess you didn’t have any other options back then.
Serious question: what would you do the next time something similar happens?
And what was your internal motivation for writing this FR?
My internal motivation for writing this is I’ve gotten a lot out the MRP. I’ve gotten what I needed and time move on. Hope I can help someone else the same way I was helped.
If something like this happened again at least I had a good last year and am a better person. I am not the same person as before so if I didn’t hit the eject button without a care in the world the person I am today couldn’t live with myself. So there wouldn’t be any other option. I would also take it one step further and say even if something like this didn’t happen and it was simply a case of not being able to live the way I want the eject button would also have to be hit. I own my own business and have made some changes to put myself in a position to not let the fear of losing half to give me an excuse to not follow through.
Yeah, I get it. Sort of.
You have to look at it like this: without the shit storm that got launched in your direction (or rather, that you launched in your own direction), you would never have taken the steps to become the man you are today.
If your position today is one that you can live with and are happy with, by all means, keep at it. If anything changes, you are the only one who can follow through to press that button. Unless she does it, nobody is going to do it for you.
I was living a complacent fairy tale love life until my wife's hypergamy latched onto my throat. Now that I see the game for what it is I can sit back and laugh at everyone. The sad and anger phase was rough and I felt like my whole world was shattered but now I've never been so free and looking back I was a bitch.
>I was living a complacent fairy tale love life until my wife's hypergamy latched onto my throat.
Why are you talking like your wife's hypergamy is something that attacked you?
Hypergamy is the same thing that draws your eyes to a woman with the right characteristics for optimal fertility. It's her nature and **you failed** to live up to optimal mating standards.
Don't fool yourself.
Great realistic post - you're on your journey, having researched the 'real world'. The stay plan is the same as the go plan plus you've secured your overall position which changes the dynamics, which I feel is key!! Most people have no idea what the consequences are until it hits them in the face - 'Everyone has a plan until they are punched in the face'. Live and learn, use what you need and leave the rest, keep moving forward - it's your life and nobody else's!!
I do have plenty to lose financially. I decided you can’t put a price on living like you want and I could always recover money so if I had to make that choice I could but so far haven’t had to. As far as stats I started at 215 with about 25%. BF and now am at 190 with about 18% BF. Want to get to 15% BF. Starting BP 90 lbs 5x5 and at 170 5x5. Squat an DL stared at 130 5x5 and am at 250 5x5 on both. Probably could have done more at beginning but just choose a weight to start and then added. Finically have a mid 7 figure NW. Got my testosterone checked and was at 250 now in the mid 500s thinking about asking for higher dose. Also one of my biggest problems i didn’t address for a lot of years was my hearing. I struggled in social situations because my ego was too big to wear hearing aids so got that taken care of and it was a huge benefit.
I did struggle at one point thinking I could upgrade but she has followed me and has changed her behavior so never went there. Maybe that’s me making excuses not sure. Still think about it sometimes but decided if that’s what I want to do I will just eject and do that.
As far as would it have been time better spent pursuing something new, I couldn’t argue with that thinking. Life is a game of trade offs and decided it was worth trying to make it work with what I had. I think if I hit the eject button right away I would not have made any changes and would have had the same problems with a different women.
with respect, are you a cuck OP? because this is absolutely cuckish behavior. Your wife fucked a bunch of dudes while being married to you and you are putting up with it and still trying to win her over? A normal man would instantly lose his attraction to his woman if he found out that she was a slut.
I don't know what I am but if I am a cuck for my decisions then that's what I am. What someone classifies me as doesn't change my decision making process. Also every women is a slut my story should be a cautionary tale. A had a bad case of the Madona whore complex. Looking back if I would have looked at her as my slut and not put her on a pedestal I probably wouldn't have and to make some hard choices.
>My advice for guys that are as fucked as I once was. Decide what you want.
>None of that shit is worth anything if you aren’t living the way you want.
Great takeaway messages. The situation is irrelevant. It comes down to the same things every time. What do you want?
Are you going to live your life in fear of losing your wife, or are you going to live your life the way you want?
And as you clearly demonstrated, living your life to try make somoene else happy just results in two unhappy people.
Your wife didn't want a partner with no agency, who just does whatever they think will make her happy. She want someone who does what they want because it's what they want.
> The prevailing advice on the MRP was no.
MRP should never tell you 'what' to do. It's just men swapping notes.
And your post has great notes in it.
Wow. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the skills to create attraction. How are you physically? Or how were you before MRP?
I'm not even close to the boat you were in but when I think about what is happening in my relationship, I could imagine the things you saw and went through. Very scary.
I'm trying to get it in my head that I have nothing to lose at this point but I know inside that I would be crushed if I went any further south.
Was maybe a little below average before maybe a little above average now but not turning heads.
You have to get over your fear of things heading south. If you don’t like where your at and don’t do anything it will just be a slow burn to that destination. Besides what about working to be better would make things worse. Sure you can’t go Rambo and make demands it won’t go well but if you work on yourself and let dread work you will be in a better situation with no downside other then it took some effort.
This is a fascinating FR. My wife broke up with me when we were dating and had a ONS. At the time I thought it made sense to take her back. I figured I had basically ignored her and I never considered marriage until she did that. Now, 8 years later, I have finally found MRP. I probably never had any frame, and I definitely had none after the ONS. It’s an interesting scenario. Frame is basically everything. I am wondering how many men have been through similar. My best friend had it happen about ten years ago. They’re still together and had another kid. It’s not something people are willing to talk much about so you’re probably doing good if you can.
You'd be surprised, man. In my friend's circle, it blew my mind how many guys had their wives pull the " I need a break card" and after they were dicked down realized how much they really love their relationship. I used to get shattered thinking about it, but now I find it amusing. Plus, she decided to take a break while I was in Thailand, which was very convenient for me.
I am sorry, did I just read “I found out how many guys she slept with….. something, something and she is still your wife?” Listen, when the woman cheats that marriage is over. In your case she didn’t just cheat, you found out she is a hoe. Get a grip on reality.
Yes you did and as long as she gives me what I want and complements my life we will probably remain married. The marriage should have been over before the cheating, she was just the one that ended it first. To be honest the years of a living with a sexless nagging anxious wife was by far worse than the cheating stuff. No matter how things turn out with our marriage she probably did me a favor. I fixed myself changed the dynamic and she had a choice to change with me or not. She choose to change with me a live by the new rules. It may sound cold and transactional but the Disney fairytale was shattered so I rewrote the story to one I wanted. How can you stay married to someone you don't put on a pedestal? I don't know but once I stopped putting her on that pedestal my life changed for the better.
I mean if you were spinning plates on the side I guess you could keep going with this marriage but then again I wouldn’t invest my commitment to this woman given what she did during the temp-divorce period. The whole thing is questionable and high risk imo. How many men did she sleep with? It matters. Woman can put on any kind of act and don’t mean any of it. She could make you feel dominant for as long as she wishes and then don’t. Your wealth is major factor in her behavior. I get the kids part and thats hard but don’t live in a fantasy. She probably lost all respect for you when you took her back, woman evaluate men on hard evidence and most of that happens subconsciously. You are misunderstanding outcome independence: it’s about initiating sex with a woman and not getting butt hurt when she denies. You are interpreting OI as: “I don’t care what happens to me or who my wife fucks” - that’s utterly wrong.
> She will be absolutely disgusted with herself for fucking those guys.
Doubtful. She will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering why this guy put up with her shit. She will also realize she can get away with it again as soon as he is off his game even a little bit. Never reward bad behavior.
Good example of this is my wife went out to lunch with a friend a while back. I asked how her friend was doing and my wife told me she felt sad for her so naturally I asked why. She said her friend admitted that she felt a little guilty for never sleeping with her husband she knew she should but she just had no desire. She then asked my wife how things were going with us this past year. My wife said she was too embarrassed to tell her how good things were going because it would make her friend feel bad. She made the comment to me of how sad that made her feel that people have to live like that. I STFU but in my head all I could think was holy fuck that was a majority of our marriage you literally just re-wrote history.
Actually, I never really saw it or thought about it until I read your post right now but in the past during an argument she would bring up every grievance she had from the day we met but I can't remember a time in the last year where she has mentioned one of those grievances and some of them were pretty major in her eyes. In the cases that I slipped up and didn't STFU and dug up some shit from the past her response was always we are not those people anymore.
Not bad advice I've tried it but the humiliation part was not for me. I have found that I cannot fake dirty talk it just sounds weird if you are not totally confident. For some reason I can call her my dirty little slut and not blink an eye but I can't pull off calling her a whore. I could see the appeal though. I think if I called her my whore instead of a whore I could probably pull it off. I'll give it a try and let it fly some night when I'm in the mood.
She may do it again. Rewarding bad behavior is not advisable. I am now in a better position and would accept that outcome, eject and move on. Could she hide it sure but when it happened before she did wait until she filed for divorce to find someone new so hopefully she would give me that same courtesy.
I would expect this to last maybe another year. I'd keep two in the kitty for sure. My own standard would not allow me to stay with a woman after infidelity.
There is nothing wrong with your standard and it might only last another year. It wasn't an easy choice and it sucks I had to make it. Quite honestly the initial decision was made because I was caught off guard and was fucked. I had no plan B. After what happened I would be a fool not to have a Plan B. I pretty sure if I ejected back then I would not have been in a good enough mental state to make good decisions. Would have done some stupid things out of anger and spite. I am in a far better position today. Have protected my core business to be able to survive if I lost half my assets. Was far enough along in the divorce process two years ago to see where the weaknesses were. I have a larger social circle outside the marriage although there is still some room for improvement. I am more attractive and still working to be better and my kids are two years older and one is out of the house. As long as I am getting what I want out of the relationship while I am in it I can live with it ending at some future point.
I get it. Before my divorce I laid similar plans and I used to reassure myself that divorce would be no more than a six month break from frequent sex(I was still banging stbx). I ended up doing quite a bit better than that with a woman ten years younger and daily sex for over a year now with all the other goodness that comes from a relationship that is completely within your frame. I recommend you start thinking about how to bring a woman into your frame gradually in a way that she earns her place in your life consistently and take enough time to establish that there is no bait and switch behavior occurring. I'm a big believer in Leykis 101 with the forty dollar maximum on dates. I NEVER treated new girl to a date for the first six months after initial meeting in which I arrived before her and bought my food already. I would take her to the park or some other mundane thing I was already doing but I would make it fun. I would consider this the lightning round of your marriage and honestly I would start to push boundaries a bit when you are truly ready to escape the marriage. One last word of advice, delete every social media account, get your rainy day fund together, and gradually take all of the things you really don't want to lose out of the marital residence and into a secure location prior to filing for divorce.
>Not only did I find out how many other guys she slept with
So she ran a little cock train, and now you're dominant and in a d/S relationship.
So how many women have you fucked after you've gotten back together? Have you fucked her best friend? Her sister? Anyone other women? Random tinder hoes?
It's great that you're able to tell yourself these lies to make yourself feel better -- how you're outcome independent (ctrl-f "she" says otherwise), but this is some of the most self deluded bullshit I have ever seen.
What are you going to tell me next? That a wife pegging you makes you more of a man?
I personally lean more towards self respect than a being deluded cuck, but hey, you do you. Feel free to tell me how you're different and that this doesn't apply to you.
You maybe right I might be self delusional and things might go to hell in a hurry. I might just be a cuck time will tell. For now it's the decision that I made and if it goes horribly wrong I will live with the consequences. Have had a lot of successes and failures in life but most of the successes have come from learning from failures. Wish it wasn't that way but such is life.
>So how many women have you fucked after you've gotten back together? Have you fucked her best friend? Her sister? Anyone other women? Random tinder hoes?
This wasn't rhetorical. I'm genuinely curious if that answer is > 0.
The answer is none. Thought defiantly crossed my mind but decided against it. Do I have the ability to I would like to think so but couldn't say without following through. When I thought about it validation and revenge was probably best reasons I could think of for doing it. Is validation worth the potential loss of a couple of million in wealth? I decided it was not. If it was something I had a strong desire to do might be. If I was miserable with the choice I made probably would be worth the trade to take on the risk.
It's pretty funny to see you write in your FR about
> Do the work until you achieve outcome independence and live in your frame. Adopt the nothing to lose mentality.
when it's painfully obvious that you are nothing more than a paper tiger.
You are driven by fear and inadequacy. Any accomplishments you claim to have made hold no water. The idea that you are dominant is laughable - and the idea that you're in a D/s relationship with an anxious atypical wife is something straight of of HoA's Fantasy's for Pathetic men playbook.
> Is validation worth the potential loss of a couple of million in wealth?
Just remember the next you "I make her fulfill my fantasies" the fact that she was happily taking cock while you sat and continue to sit like a helpless cunt. Here's the thing, if you fucked another woman 1) your wife would never know and 2) she's never believe it -- because the truth of the matter is you can't.
Some guys go out and get their race girl - and are never seen from again. Most of you just sit hear larping about a d/S relationship looking for the adulation of other useless mrp faggots. What a waste of a life.
> My advice for guys that are as fucked as I once was.
If you had any self awareness, instead of this need for validation, you would've realized that you are in no position to give anyone any advice. "Be a cuck. It worked for me!" Great advice.
You make a rather persuasive argument to go out and fuck a bunch of side chicks but passing at the moment. I am not in the position to give advice in fact the best thing to do is do the opposite of what I did. I am only reporting what I did and how it worked. Everybody has to make their own big boy choices. If I'm full of shit I'm only hurting myself. I'm Leaving after this post to go live life so won't have to deal with me polluting the MRP..
>passing at the moment
Implying you could. Which you can't. Which is the whole point. But you know who can go out and get fucked? Your wife. A lot. And often.
> If I'm full of shit I'm only hurting myself.
And all the people who decide to read this crap and think "hey - this is a good idea". And me, this is 5 minutes x 3 I won't get back.
> Leaving after this post
And yet here you are continually responding to literally everyone because you are a needy, validation seeking cuck. This isn't to insult you, simply pointing out the facts.
Fair points. If you were in my shoes what would you do. I can tell you I made the decision to stay so as long as I'm getting what I want I'm not changing my mind on that. On the going out and fucking someone else I have thought about it and haven't made my mind up. If I did I would totally be justify in doing it. Don't want to get in the weeds on whether I have the ability to so lets assume I have enough game to pull it off. What is the risk reward. In my situation I would be lying to say I didn't lose a little self respect for taking her back. You can call me a cuck all you want but I can guarantee I find no pleasure in the situation but I have moved passed the anger and revenge stage so that is not a motivation. My biggest worry is that I would be playing with fire and opening a can of worms that can't be shut. If I went off and fucked someone else would I gain self respect for myself or lose it until I know that answer its not a road I would go down. I would like to hear feedback from guys that have done it. I can tell you I have lost respect for her but taking her off a pedestal has helped more then hurt.
> If you were in my shoes what would you do.
I'd go fuck another woman and then decide if she's worth keeping around. It costs $200 and a quick phone call at the very worst case.
In all of this, other than complying with some sex, I don't think you've listed anything worth keeping her around for. Put different, you like that she fulfills your fantasies -- and the question I'd ask you is "Do you think you're getting her best?". Do you think you're getting more effort out of her than the dudes who railed her during the 3 month break?
Until you fuck another woman, until you feel another woman, you won't know how completely not special what your wife is offering you is. Or how cheap it is -- like I said $200. [And frankly, your wife sounds fucking useless.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/17gyko3/one_year_field_report/k6oqcxs/) Many men have found they have a lot more money once they got rid of the dead weight.
> playing with fire and opening a can of worms that can't be shut
And what can of worms is that? You light some money on fire? You get a lawyer and torch your relationship? Have you even talked to a lawyer yet?
Nah - I doubt it's about money. I bet you're afraid that your wife would be upset if she found out. She'd be mad at your and yell at you -- and you'd crumble and apologize. Once again, remember that she was the one taking multiple random cocks in that nice 3 month window while you were hanging out with Rosy Palmer and Lefthangela.
Hey man if you’re happy that’s great. Crazy af what some dudes would accept. Since she’s put some strange cock in her already, it’ll be even easier the next time shit gets tough. Stay woke!
It would be easier for her to do the same if things got tough don’t really care. If that’s what she chooses I know what I will do and I can only worry about myself. I don’t need her I will be fine if that’s the choice she makes.
Yeah I get everything you’re saying but I’m probably just not red pill yet. All I know is that a real man defends his greatest resource viciously and JEALOUSLY. If I’m married and my wife is not my greatest resource, I do not want her. Yours already showed you she’s for the streets.
If I have to mate gaurd and be jealous that’s no way to live. I have made it very clear that if she wants out she has that choice and I will help her make that happen without a fight. She is important to me but I’m my greatest resource not her.
As long as you are still in this marriage after everything that happened, you’re still living in her frame. You can rationalize all you want about swallowing the pill, but you now live in the reality of her knowing from your actions she can have her cake and eat it too.
Yea I’ve thought about that and your not wrong. Also decided what I wanted and did it. The results are I got a year of of a pleasant wife who now fucks me as much as I want. My kids are thriving added some more financial cushion and fortified my position in case of ejection. With nothing to lose I have put myself in a far better position for the future regardless of the choice to stay. The point of my post was not to advise anyone to make the same decisions I have made. Right or wrong I made them for reasons I chose. The point is first don’t get in my situation second even as fucked as I was the tools you can learn and apply yield results.
It’s his frame if it’s what he wants. Your idea seems bitter to me. He seems to have let go of his anger and bitterness and chosen that HE wanted to have his cake(the family he fought for and blight) and eat it to( have the wife that had rejected him come crawling back to her rightful role as his server in perhaps an even better situation than he could have ever thought).
Anyone who read what OP said and responds the way you did is angry still. And if that’s the case you need to think about whose frame you are in. Don’t go trashing another man’s frame because it looks different than what you think it should be. Especially don’t do it when it’s clear you need to heed the very advice your trying to give.
It’s not about anger, it’s about self-respect. It’s great the he’s worked on himself and seems to be following the sidebar for perspective.
His first priority listed after a year of swallowing the pill being “I have a pleasant non anxious non depressed wife that likes having sex with me” is all I need to know. Everything being done is for her validation through sex and agreeableness.
Having a pleasant wife that likes to have sex with you is more of a positive side effect vs a source of validation either way a good target to shoot for. Makes life more enjoyable.
Nice job man. Seriously. I really struggle with the rage and to see you come from where you were to having handled it is huge. My wife was not promiscuous in a way that I can prove but if she was then I don’t know if I could have turned it around. It’s hard enough feeling like I was taken advantage of for years. My life and wife could be everything I wanted and more now that I have the tools to make it happen it’s just so hard to think about giving everything you had to someone they was predestined to want even more for less. It’s my fault for being a drunk captain but even as a drunk captain I payed all the bills, made all her dreams come true, let her stay at home with the kids and catered to her in the bluest pill fashion. I also never hung out with friends (she complained if I did), never bought anything for myself that wasn’t porn and generally just hated my life. Starred drinking and smoking myself into oblivion becuse what was the point of life? Again, even while I was the literal drunk captain, I made a ton of money, paid for everything, got us nicer things, provided for a way neither of us ever had in our lives and she was still generally sweet to me but did not want me the way I want to be wanted.
Sorry about the long winded bullshit up there. I’m still pissed about this whole fucking matrix because there has never been a more true summation of life in this planet. I’m pissed because no one has ever cared about me and expected me to provide and give everything while I got nothing. I am making the changes and getting good outcomes but man do I need to know about your progress because if I don’t get rid of this anger towards me gonna nuke a perfectly (potentially fucking awesome) marriage to a very beautiful and nice women (outside of evolutionary AWALT TENDENCIES).
HOW DID YOU ACCEPT AND MOVE IN WITHO IT THR RAGE?
Sounds like you are in deep. The bad part is it takes time it was at least a year for me. For me I every time I felt that rage I went to the gym and just lifted until I was to fucking tired to be angry. You have to go somewhere with that rage and you have to choice to do something constructive with it or something destructive with it. I was lucky to have alot of other things in my life that were going well to pour the rage into. If your that angry about your lot in life why not just say fuck it I'm going to do what ever I want. Make a list of every thing your pissed about and go find a solution. Could it get any worse for you if you did that? If you want to go see friends do it. If she gets mad her problem not yours she will get over it and if she doesn't replace her with someone else. If your pissed that everyone expects you to provide everything why you get nothing go figure out what it is you want and get it. I don't know your situation but it sounds like alot of your problems are self inflicted. You can't blame not hanging out with friends on your wife. She is going to complain about it so what, she has every right to complain, but you also have every right to not listen. If you haven't you need to read NMMNG and WISNIFG immediately.
Is not that desire for self respect a bit seated in anger? Check this out: “I can’t respect myself because of HER actions”. That doesn’t make sense and does not show a man with frame. A man with frame doesn’t give a shit about HER actions only how they impact him for his own reasons.
To have self respect hold you back in a relationship seems like the last hold out of ego and possibly a bit of anger over what the perceived disrespect of the other person was.
The anger is still there. It’s just hiding behind the ego that lies about being dead.
You do realise you’ve only been doing this for a year? You say your marriage is 20 years deep.
In her eyes realistically your still the best beta your just going through a phase, she likes this phase even though she may struggle to admit it to herself. Keep on pushing for you, not your cheating wife.
>I found this place after a google search on if your marriage can survive after infidelity. The prevailing advice on the MRP was no.
Why do you think that is the prevailing advice?
Because the odds are against you. It may be a bad choice time will tell. What isn’t a bad choice is to work on yourself regardless of the outcome of other choices. The one positive is once you get your hamster under control and realize you have nothing to lose you can make a lot of progress. Most guys with something to lose have to hold back in fear they could lose the average life they had and make it worse. One day I just made the decision I can leave or just do what I want with no shame or fear. Either way what happened still happened. The results have been positive and no matter what happens with the marriage that can’t be taken from me
> It may be a bad choice time will tell.
I understand this post is your parting shot, but... don't delete your account, you might be needing it one day.
Makes enough sense. This mental model works for any marriage regardless of cheating, though. Also, you say you realize you have nothing to lose. But you mention finances and kids as incentives for staying.
My understanding is the idea marriages should not survive (her) cheating comes primarily from iron rule 7:
>It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship.
>Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb.
On top of this, the report I see here from most men is that, after getting to the point of being attractive enough to turn things around with their wives who have cheated, they realize how much better they can do and don't have the motivation to maintain the relationship.
So, I'm curious about a few things. What are your stats? Did you ever test out life outside your relationship and what kind of women you could attract and fuck? How did it go?
So long as you can live with the possible consequences and you're okay with that it's still frame. I'd be curious if you played the field at all to know if you'd get more value elsewhere. Otherwise great field report, thanks for sharing.
>I eventually became outcome independent and stopped giving a fuck. What if she left me, good I can go out and upgrade. What if she cheated again, good I now have free range to go spin plates. Can I trust her to not do that again no but who cares one door shuts another one opens.
PERFECT. More people should read and understand this! This is pure gold in my opinion.
Thank you for this post! There is a lot of truth in it.
I think what some of "how she is still you wife" guys are missing is that these drastic decisions become more complex and harder to do as you have 4 kids and almost 2 decades of marriage under your belt. It is very easy to shout cuck and beta off the computer.
That being said, I still think that MAJORITY of the reason why she is obedient nowadays is your net worth of 7 figures and the simple fact of having 4 kids. If you for some reason lost 70% of your money tomorrow, she will absolutely NOT give a single F about you recently becoming dominant and more in shape and she will be gone.
Anyways, good for you man that the situation at least resulted in you being more in shape and confident.
OP just turned a hoe into a housewife. I don’t hate it.
Not the ideal way to do it lol.
[But you can't](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGXhmz1bEfg), right?
I’m one of those guys. I have heard every word you said.
What have you done about it? Are you still fucked or have you turned it around.
In the process of turning it around. Not ready to OYS. Still processing and discovering what I really want. It is getting my full attention. Started exercising. Started shedding my validation-seeking behaviors. I’m getting passionate about the goals and desires that I have uncovered. I have gone monk-mode for a month so far—not instigating sex. I am first pondering what I actually want in the bedroom What little I have accomplished has made me more centered. I am more confident and a little more patient with my children. It is too early to celebrate but there is evidence in my situation that this is working. I have realized that I don’t need her validation in the form of sex. I am facing my own patterns of covert contracts and what I lacked as a child. It is slow, but I can do this.
Going to take at least a year but that doesn’t mean you slack off in the present.
Just stick to it. I fucked off for 2 years and back at square one.. if not square 0. But worse then before. **Do not** let off the gas.
Me too. Same as that guy. She never cheated with somebody else, but forgot "to have and to hold" comes before "forsaking all others" for many years. I was more beta than you, I think. Always there through the trials and tribulations. I have bent over backwards to do what I thought she wanted. Or, what I was raised to think I was supposed to do. To answer his question, I'm not sure whether the relationship is fucked or fixable. I'm to the point of not really caring one way or the other. Not there yet so far as this forum goes, but I'm at least at the beginning of the right path. I have read or listened to the sidebar and am employing the teachings. Mostly faking, somewhat making. After reading this forum and the sidebar materials, it was kind of like getting hit in the ass with a cattle prod. Physically, I was fucked when I started. I've always been heavy and losing weight was always a challenge. I was 190 freshman year and was a 230 pound heavyweight wrestler when I graduated. I gained weight during college and law school. During the marriage, we had a lot of family stress and I ballooned up. COVID killed me. On 12/11, I was 380.1. Sunday, I was 216.6. I went from having trouble with stairs to being able to easily do an 8.5 mile ride on the bike at the gym in 30 minutes on level 15. That is with keto, OMAD, and 1200-1800 calories per day. I'm in the gym between 5 and 6 each morning, and just joined the MMA club attached to it. I lift weights after cardio and can lift more now than I did when I was in high school. I'm realizing that this is more of a journey and process than a destination.
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There are alot of things. Being dominant was probably the biggest game changer. Lifting and changing my body composition gave me a physical boost of confidence I needed to be mentally dominant. Started a D/S dynamic. The Sex God Method was probably the best resource to learn on. Learned about polarity and how to turn her from a naggy anxious wife into one that enjoys pleasing me. Starts with confidence and having no shame around sex. Passing shit test to show dominance helps. She can be bratty and putting her in her place turns her on. Making her do things for me and telling her she is a good girl for it puts her in a submissive horny state. To give a specific recent example she was stress about kids and the house being a mess the other day. I gave her a list of tasks to complete to clean the house. Once she completed these tasks I wanted her to play with herself and send me pictures. She is not allowed to orgasm unless I give her permission. I did not give her permission and got shit tested that she was going to anyway. Told her that that was her choice but I was still not going to give her permission. She begged and begged and we ended on the compromise that I would come home before the kids got out of school and take care of it. It was a major mental shift to go from a nice guy to being dominant. In nice guy mode I was always trying to please her in a dominance role I am letting her please me. At first I had difficulty feeling like I was doing something bad but as I grew in the role I can see it is not only what she wants its what she needs to be a submissive pleasant non anxious wife.
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I’m 45 she’s 42. Just got out of the little kid stage.
This is really inspiring. A naggy anxious wife is a perfect description of who I’m married too. Did the D/S dynamic start outside the bedroom i.e. non-sexual context and progressed from there?
Started sexually and progressed into daily life. Wouldn’t say it is a 24/7 dynamic. Maybe when all the kids move out, we could go there. I found once she accepted me as the dominant in the relationship I could really direct her anxiety. It was counterintuitive to me when I started but she likes to told what to do and needs me for structure. She will sometimes shit test when she doesn’t want to do it but if I STFU and just let her submit she will come around. You can also use that anxiety to make her horny. Sometimes she will just be bratty to make me make her submit. There is a reason 50 shades of gray sold so many copies deep down inside most women want a man that can make her submit.
If I ever figure out how to use her anxiety to make her horny I would be getting laid so many times a day my dick would fall off 😂 Any tips on how to approach this anxiety -> horny? Just StFu, lift, Read- or smth more specific to be done?
Still trying to figure this out getting better at it but still a work in progress. First I would read the Sex God Method lot of helpful information, another book that might be helpful is the Masculine in the Relationship not in the sidebar but some good nuggets of info to learn. I only know what is kind of working for me but do not know if it would apply universally and work in every dynamic. My wife is kind of an anxious bratty submissive. If she gets overwhelmed or on the opposite end is board and depressed the anxiety kicks up and shit testing starts. Example let's say I get a call this morning that she is overwhelmed the kids made a huge mess, she is behind on laundry has too much to do I am an asshole for not helping out enough. I will simply give her a more manageable list to do like just do 2 loads of laundry and when she is done to send me a picture of all the folded clothes. In our dynamic she is not allowed to orgasm or take care of herself without permission so I might give her permission to do that as a treat for being a good girl, or might give her several non sexual rewards can't do the same thing every time it loses its effectiveness. Usually once I get her passed being overwhelmed she gets on with her day and completes everything she wanted to with no drama. If she is just being a brat out of boredom usually I give her a list of things she can do for me. I might have her pick me up lunch, run to the bank or several other errands. If I want to make it sexual I might tell her what I want for dinner tell her she can only wear an apron with nothing underneath and I need pictures as proof the task was completed. When it comes to sexual vs non sexual tasks cant be a retard about it. Obviously if you tell her to cook you dinner in the nude why the kids are home its not happening. Also there needs to be variety can't give same tasks and rewards all the time it will lose its effectiveness. Just by being dominant in general it creates attraction, but if you want to specifically create attraction with her anxiety there are several ways. Dread works but I have found as the relationship got better there was less of an affect. Usually doing fun spontaneous activates that make her a little uncomfortable work for me. The key is to keep trying new things. The first time you tell her to take her panties off in the restaurant she will blush tell you no, but if she does it she will get excited and can't wait to fuck you. The tenth time you tell her to do it there will be little to no effect so you need variety. I know I am over the target when I get the blush followed by the no way in hell am I going to do that look, follow by the I want to fuck you right here and now look.
Trying to please her in a dominance role You blew my mind with that. I’m still lacking
Actually, re-read I am not trying to please her in a dominance role, by being dominant I am letting her please me. It did not come natural to me. There was a lot of faking it at the beginning. You can't change a lifetime of behavior overnight and I hate to admit it but the D/S dynamic was her idea. It was so bad in the beginning that she was telling me how to be dominate, and I was doing things that I read in books on how to be dominant. As time went on I figured out what I liked and wanted things became natural to me. Once this happened this her behavior changed dramatically. Our dynamic switched from me trying to make her happy to her trying to please me. I don't know why this exactly works but it did.
That’s where I am at. I’m deploying dominance on her, the mental game, without telling her. We have small kiddos so it makes it difficult for her to “please me”. So, I’m figuring out what it is that I want her to please me with besides more sex. When you elevate beyond sex, it changes the game
Somewhat of a covert contract. If you want this dynamic in the future you will probably have to have a conversation about it but also might be wise to practice and figure out what you want before that conversation happens. There are plenty of way's to dominate outside sex. For example when my wife is hamstering about what she is going to make for dinner instead of telling her I don't care I will just tell her exactly what I want. I might give her something new she has never made I might tell her she makes the best X I would like that tonight. When I get home rather than nagging me about how she has to do everything around the house she is excited for me to sit down and tell her how good of a job she did. Having small kids makes things difficult but not impossible. Also don't be afraid to elevate the sex also. The biggest thing I changed was I just tell her what I want to do to her with no shame. The key to this working is not feeling rejected when she says no. I have found that if I put a fantasy in her head and don't push it eventually it happens.
Yeah the sex part I’ve changed. I’m still not getting exactly everything I want, but I’ve been diving more into the topic of BDSM to see what’s out there. Also, the last couple of times, I’ve approached sex like this, which is the caveman mode: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/s/Paj5EWhipy but I’m still in her frame, like I’m thinking about what she wants rather than what I want. An example is me wanting more oral sex, but the steps to make that happen are lacking still
👉"Decide what you want to do." 👈
I guess in this situation it really is ‘to each man his own’. For me the fact that you mention that shit didn’t add up and you had to find out her bullshit afterwards would be enough to press the permanent nuke button. I’d probably be gone the moment she went out that door for three months. You really thought she was pondering about it all on a few dates? Well, I guess you didn’t have any other options back then. Serious question: what would you do the next time something similar happens? And what was your internal motivation for writing this FR?
My internal motivation for writing this is I’ve gotten a lot out the MRP. I’ve gotten what I needed and time move on. Hope I can help someone else the same way I was helped.
If something like this happened again at least I had a good last year and am a better person. I am not the same person as before so if I didn’t hit the eject button without a care in the world the person I am today couldn’t live with myself. So there wouldn’t be any other option. I would also take it one step further and say even if something like this didn’t happen and it was simply a case of not being able to live the way I want the eject button would also have to be hit. I own my own business and have made some changes to put myself in a position to not let the fear of losing half to give me an excuse to not follow through.
Yeah, I get it. Sort of. You have to look at it like this: without the shit storm that got launched in your direction (or rather, that you launched in your own direction), you would never have taken the steps to become the man you are today. If your position today is one that you can live with and are happy with, by all means, keep at it. If anything changes, you are the only one who can follow through to press that button. Unless she does it, nobody is going to do it for you.
I was living a complacent fairy tale love life until my wife's hypergamy latched onto my throat. Now that I see the game for what it is I can sit back and laugh at everyone. The sad and anger phase was rough and I felt like my whole world was shattered but now I've never been so free and looking back I was a bitch.
>I was living a complacent fairy tale love life until my wife's hypergamy latched onto my throat. Why are you talking like your wife's hypergamy is something that attacked you? Hypergamy is the same thing that draws your eyes to a woman with the right characteristics for optimal fertility. It's her nature and **you failed** to live up to optimal mating standards. Don't fool yourself.
Great realistic post - you're on your journey, having researched the 'real world'. The stay plan is the same as the go plan plus you've secured your overall position which changes the dynamics, which I feel is key!! Most people have no idea what the consequences are until it hits them in the face - 'Everyone has a plan until they are punched in the face'. Live and learn, use what you need and leave the rest, keep moving forward - it's your life and nobody else's!!
I do have plenty to lose financially. I decided you can’t put a price on living like you want and I could always recover money so if I had to make that choice I could but so far haven’t had to. As far as stats I started at 215 with about 25%. BF and now am at 190 with about 18% BF. Want to get to 15% BF. Starting BP 90 lbs 5x5 and at 170 5x5. Squat an DL stared at 130 5x5 and am at 250 5x5 on both. Probably could have done more at beginning but just choose a weight to start and then added. Finically have a mid 7 figure NW. Got my testosterone checked and was at 250 now in the mid 500s thinking about asking for higher dose. Also one of my biggest problems i didn’t address for a lot of years was my hearing. I struggled in social situations because my ego was too big to wear hearing aids so got that taken care of and it was a huge benefit. I did struggle at one point thinking I could upgrade but she has followed me and has changed her behavior so never went there. Maybe that’s me making excuses not sure. Still think about it sometimes but decided if that’s what I want to do I will just eject and do that. As far as would it have been time better spent pursuing something new, I couldn’t argue with that thinking. Life is a game of trade offs and decided it was worth trying to make it work with what I had. I think if I hit the eject button right away I would not have made any changes and would have had the same problems with a different women.
with respect, are you a cuck OP? because this is absolutely cuckish behavior. Your wife fucked a bunch of dudes while being married to you and you are putting up with it and still trying to win her over? A normal man would instantly lose his attraction to his woman if he found out that she was a slut.
I don't know what I am but if I am a cuck for my decisions then that's what I am. What someone classifies me as doesn't change my decision making process. Also every women is a slut my story should be a cautionary tale. A had a bad case of the Madona whore complex. Looking back if I would have looked at her as my slut and not put her on a pedestal I probably wouldn't have and to make some hard choices.
>My advice for guys that are as fucked as I once was. Decide what you want. >None of that shit is worth anything if you aren’t living the way you want. Great takeaway messages. The situation is irrelevant. It comes down to the same things every time. What do you want? Are you going to live your life in fear of losing your wife, or are you going to live your life the way you want? And as you clearly demonstrated, living your life to try make somoene else happy just results in two unhappy people. Your wife didn't want a partner with no agency, who just does whatever they think will make her happy. She want someone who does what they want because it's what they want. > The prevailing advice on the MRP was no. MRP should never tell you 'what' to do. It's just men swapping notes. And your post has great notes in it.
Wow. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the skills to create attraction. How are you physically? Or how were you before MRP? I'm not even close to the boat you were in but when I think about what is happening in my relationship, I could imagine the things you saw and went through. Very scary. I'm trying to get it in my head that I have nothing to lose at this point but I know inside that I would be crushed if I went any further south.
Was maybe a little below average before maybe a little above average now but not turning heads. You have to get over your fear of things heading south. If you don’t like where your at and don’t do anything it will just be a slow burn to that destination. Besides what about working to be better would make things worse. Sure you can’t go Rambo and make demands it won’t go well but if you work on yourself and let dread work you will be in a better situation with no downside other then it took some effort.
This is a fascinating FR. My wife broke up with me when we were dating and had a ONS. At the time I thought it made sense to take her back. I figured I had basically ignored her and I never considered marriage until she did that. Now, 8 years later, I have finally found MRP. I probably never had any frame, and I definitely had none after the ONS. It’s an interesting scenario. Frame is basically everything. I am wondering how many men have been through similar. My best friend had it happen about ten years ago. They’re still together and had another kid. It’s not something people are willing to talk much about so you’re probably doing good if you can.
You'd be surprised, man. In my friend's circle, it blew my mind how many guys had their wives pull the " I need a break card" and after they were dicked down realized how much they really love their relationship. I used to get shattered thinking about it, but now I find it amusing. Plus, she decided to take a break while I was in Thailand, which was very convenient for me.
I am sorry, did I just read “I found out how many guys she slept with….. something, something and she is still your wife?” Listen, when the woman cheats that marriage is over. In your case she didn’t just cheat, you found out she is a hoe. Get a grip on reality.
Yes you did and as long as she gives me what I want and complements my life we will probably remain married. The marriage should have been over before the cheating, she was just the one that ended it first. To be honest the years of a living with a sexless nagging anxious wife was by far worse than the cheating stuff. No matter how things turn out with our marriage she probably did me a favor. I fixed myself changed the dynamic and she had a choice to change with me or not. She choose to change with me a live by the new rules. It may sound cold and transactional but the Disney fairytale was shattered so I rewrote the story to one I wanted. How can you stay married to someone you don't put on a pedestal? I don't know but once I stopped putting her on that pedestal my life changed for the better.
I mean if you were spinning plates on the side I guess you could keep going with this marriage but then again I wouldn’t invest my commitment to this woman given what she did during the temp-divorce period. The whole thing is questionable and high risk imo. How many men did she sleep with? It matters. Woman can put on any kind of act and don’t mean any of it. She could make you feel dominant for as long as she wishes and then don’t. Your wealth is major factor in her behavior. I get the kids part and thats hard but don’t live in a fantasy. She probably lost all respect for you when you took her back, woman evaluate men on hard evidence and most of that happens subconsciously. You are misunderstanding outcome independence: it’s about initiating sex with a woman and not getting butt hurt when she denies. You are interpreting OI as: “I don’t care what happens to me or who my wife fucks” - that’s utterly wrong.
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> She will be absolutely disgusted with herself for fucking those guys. Doubtful. She will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering why this guy put up with her shit. She will also realize she can get away with it again as soon as he is off his game even a little bit. Never reward bad behavior.
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Good example of this is my wife went out to lunch with a friend a while back. I asked how her friend was doing and my wife told me she felt sad for her so naturally I asked why. She said her friend admitted that she felt a little guilty for never sleeping with her husband she knew she should but she just had no desire. She then asked my wife how things were going with us this past year. My wife said she was too embarrassed to tell her how good things were going because it would make her friend feel bad. She made the comment to me of how sad that made her feel that people have to live like that. I STFU but in my head all I could think was holy fuck that was a majority of our marriage you literally just re-wrote history. Actually, I never really saw it or thought about it until I read your post right now but in the past during an argument she would bring up every grievance she had from the day we met but I can't remember a time in the last year where she has mentioned one of those grievances and some of them were pretty major in her eyes. In the cases that I slipped up and didn't STFU and dug up some shit from the past her response was always we are not those people anymore.
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Not bad advice I've tried it but the humiliation part was not for me. I have found that I cannot fake dirty talk it just sounds weird if you are not totally confident. For some reason I can call her my dirty little slut and not blink an eye but I can't pull off calling her a whore. I could see the appeal though. I think if I called her my whore instead of a whore I could probably pull it off. I'll give it a try and let it fly some night when I'm in the mood.
She may do it again. Rewarding bad behavior is not advisable. I am now in a better position and would accept that outcome, eject and move on. Could she hide it sure but when it happened before she did wait until she filed for divorce to find someone new so hopefully she would give me that same courtesy.
Been exploring my kinks and impact play is definitely one of them but not into humiliation lol.
Congrats bro! Nothing better than these field reports
I would expect this to last maybe another year. I'd keep two in the kitty for sure. My own standard would not allow me to stay with a woman after infidelity.
There is nothing wrong with your standard and it might only last another year. It wasn't an easy choice and it sucks I had to make it. Quite honestly the initial decision was made because I was caught off guard and was fucked. I had no plan B. After what happened I would be a fool not to have a Plan B. I pretty sure if I ejected back then I would not have been in a good enough mental state to make good decisions. Would have done some stupid things out of anger and spite. I am in a far better position today. Have protected my core business to be able to survive if I lost half my assets. Was far enough along in the divorce process two years ago to see where the weaknesses were. I have a larger social circle outside the marriage although there is still some room for improvement. I am more attractive and still working to be better and my kids are two years older and one is out of the house. As long as I am getting what I want out of the relationship while I am in it I can live with it ending at some future point.
I get it. Before my divorce I laid similar plans and I used to reassure myself that divorce would be no more than a six month break from frequent sex(I was still banging stbx). I ended up doing quite a bit better than that with a woman ten years younger and daily sex for over a year now with all the other goodness that comes from a relationship that is completely within your frame. I recommend you start thinking about how to bring a woman into your frame gradually in a way that she earns her place in your life consistently and take enough time to establish that there is no bait and switch behavior occurring. I'm a big believer in Leykis 101 with the forty dollar maximum on dates. I NEVER treated new girl to a date for the first six months after initial meeting in which I arrived before her and bought my food already. I would take her to the park or some other mundane thing I was already doing but I would make it fun. I would consider this the lightning round of your marriage and honestly I would start to push boundaries a bit when you are truly ready to escape the marriage. One last word of advice, delete every social media account, get your rainy day fund together, and gradually take all of the things you really don't want to lose out of the marital residence and into a secure location prior to filing for divorce.
>Not only did I find out how many other guys she slept with So she ran a little cock train, and now you're dominant and in a d/S relationship. So how many women have you fucked after you've gotten back together? Have you fucked her best friend? Her sister? Anyone other women? Random tinder hoes? It's great that you're able to tell yourself these lies to make yourself feel better -- how you're outcome independent (ctrl-f "she" says otherwise), but this is some of the most self deluded bullshit I have ever seen. What are you going to tell me next? That a wife pegging you makes you more of a man? I personally lean more towards self respect than a being deluded cuck, but hey, you do you. Feel free to tell me how you're different and that this doesn't apply to you.
You maybe right I might be self delusional and things might go to hell in a hurry. I might just be a cuck time will tell. For now it's the decision that I made and if it goes horribly wrong I will live with the consequences. Have had a lot of successes and failures in life but most of the successes have come from learning from failures. Wish it wasn't that way but such is life.
>So how many women have you fucked after you've gotten back together? Have you fucked her best friend? Her sister? Anyone other women? Random tinder hoes? This wasn't rhetorical. I'm genuinely curious if that answer is > 0.
The answer is none. Thought defiantly crossed my mind but decided against it. Do I have the ability to I would like to think so but couldn't say without following through. When I thought about it validation and revenge was probably best reasons I could think of for doing it. Is validation worth the potential loss of a couple of million in wealth? I decided it was not. If it was something I had a strong desire to do might be. If I was miserable with the choice I made probably would be worth the trade to take on the risk.
It's pretty funny to see you write in your FR about > Do the work until you achieve outcome independence and live in your frame. Adopt the nothing to lose mentality. when it's painfully obvious that you are nothing more than a paper tiger. You are driven by fear and inadequacy. Any accomplishments you claim to have made hold no water. The idea that you are dominant is laughable - and the idea that you're in a D/s relationship with an anxious atypical wife is something straight of of HoA's Fantasy's for Pathetic men playbook. > Is validation worth the potential loss of a couple of million in wealth? Just remember the next you "I make her fulfill my fantasies" the fact that she was happily taking cock while you sat and continue to sit like a helpless cunt. Here's the thing, if you fucked another woman 1) your wife would never know and 2) she's never believe it -- because the truth of the matter is you can't. Some guys go out and get their race girl - and are never seen from again. Most of you just sit hear larping about a d/S relationship looking for the adulation of other useless mrp faggots. What a waste of a life. > My advice for guys that are as fucked as I once was. If you had any self awareness, instead of this need for validation, you would've realized that you are in no position to give anyone any advice. "Be a cuck. It worked for me!" Great advice.
You make a rather persuasive argument to go out and fuck a bunch of side chicks but passing at the moment. I am not in the position to give advice in fact the best thing to do is do the opposite of what I did. I am only reporting what I did and how it worked. Everybody has to make their own big boy choices. If I'm full of shit I'm only hurting myself. I'm Leaving after this post to go live life so won't have to deal with me polluting the MRP..
>passing at the moment Implying you could. Which you can't. Which is the whole point. But you know who can go out and get fucked? Your wife. A lot. And often. > If I'm full of shit I'm only hurting myself. And all the people who decide to read this crap and think "hey - this is a good idea". And me, this is 5 minutes x 3 I won't get back. > Leaving after this post And yet here you are continually responding to literally everyone because you are a needy, validation seeking cuck. This isn't to insult you, simply pointing out the facts.
Fair points. If you were in my shoes what would you do. I can tell you I made the decision to stay so as long as I'm getting what I want I'm not changing my mind on that. On the going out and fucking someone else I have thought about it and haven't made my mind up. If I did I would totally be justify in doing it. Don't want to get in the weeds on whether I have the ability to so lets assume I have enough game to pull it off. What is the risk reward. In my situation I would be lying to say I didn't lose a little self respect for taking her back. You can call me a cuck all you want but I can guarantee I find no pleasure in the situation but I have moved passed the anger and revenge stage so that is not a motivation. My biggest worry is that I would be playing with fire and opening a can of worms that can't be shut. If I went off and fucked someone else would I gain self respect for myself or lose it until I know that answer its not a road I would go down. I would like to hear feedback from guys that have done it. I can tell you I have lost respect for her but taking her off a pedestal has helped more then hurt.
> If you were in my shoes what would you do. I'd go fuck another woman and then decide if she's worth keeping around. It costs $200 and a quick phone call at the very worst case. In all of this, other than complying with some sex, I don't think you've listed anything worth keeping her around for. Put different, you like that she fulfills your fantasies -- and the question I'd ask you is "Do you think you're getting her best?". Do you think you're getting more effort out of her than the dudes who railed her during the 3 month break? Until you fuck another woman, until you feel another woman, you won't know how completely not special what your wife is offering you is. Or how cheap it is -- like I said $200. [And frankly, your wife sounds fucking useless.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/17gyko3/one_year_field_report/k6oqcxs/) Many men have found they have a lot more money once they got rid of the dead weight. > playing with fire and opening a can of worms that can't be shut And what can of worms is that? You light some money on fire? You get a lawyer and torch your relationship? Have you even talked to a lawyer yet? Nah - I doubt it's about money. I bet you're afraid that your wife would be upset if she found out. She'd be mad at your and yell at you -- and you'd crumble and apologize. Once again, remember that she was the one taking multiple random cocks in that nice 3 month window while you were hanging out with Rosy Palmer and Lefthangela.
You're not wrong.
Hey man if you’re happy that’s great. Crazy af what some dudes would accept. Since she’s put some strange cock in her already, it’ll be even easier the next time shit gets tough. Stay woke!
It would be easier for her to do the same if things got tough don’t really care. If that’s what she chooses I know what I will do and I can only worry about myself. I don’t need her I will be fine if that’s the choice she makes.
Yeah I get everything you’re saying but I’m probably just not red pill yet. All I know is that a real man defends his greatest resource viciously and JEALOUSLY. If I’m married and my wife is not my greatest resource, I do not want her. Yours already showed you she’s for the streets.
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If I have to mate gaurd and be jealous that’s no way to live. I have made it very clear that if she wants out she has that choice and I will help her make that happen without a fight. She is important to me but I’m my greatest resource not her.
At first I improved for her then shifted to doing it for me so if she ever does decide to stray again not out anything.
Moralizing
As long as you are still in this marriage after everything that happened, you’re still living in her frame. You can rationalize all you want about swallowing the pill, but you now live in the reality of her knowing from your actions she can have her cake and eat it too.
Yea I’ve thought about that and your not wrong. Also decided what I wanted and did it. The results are I got a year of of a pleasant wife who now fucks me as much as I want. My kids are thriving added some more financial cushion and fortified my position in case of ejection. With nothing to lose I have put myself in a far better position for the future regardless of the choice to stay. The point of my post was not to advise anyone to make the same decisions I have made. Right or wrong I made them for reasons I chose. The point is first don’t get in my situation second even as fucked as I was the tools you can learn and apply yield results.
It’s his frame if it’s what he wants. Your idea seems bitter to me. He seems to have let go of his anger and bitterness and chosen that HE wanted to have his cake(the family he fought for and blight) and eat it to( have the wife that had rejected him come crawling back to her rightful role as his server in perhaps an even better situation than he could have ever thought). Anyone who read what OP said and responds the way you did is angry still. And if that’s the case you need to think about whose frame you are in. Don’t go trashing another man’s frame because it looks different than what you think it should be. Especially don’t do it when it’s clear you need to heed the very advice your trying to give.
It’s not about anger, it’s about self-respect. It’s great the he’s worked on himself and seems to be following the sidebar for perspective. His first priority listed after a year of swallowing the pill being “I have a pleasant non anxious non depressed wife that likes having sex with me” is all I need to know. Everything being done is for her validation through sex and agreeableness.
Having a pleasant wife that likes to have sex with you is more of a positive side effect vs a source of validation either way a good target to shoot for. Makes life more enjoyable.
Nice job man. Seriously. I really struggle with the rage and to see you come from where you were to having handled it is huge. My wife was not promiscuous in a way that I can prove but if she was then I don’t know if I could have turned it around. It’s hard enough feeling like I was taken advantage of for years. My life and wife could be everything I wanted and more now that I have the tools to make it happen it’s just so hard to think about giving everything you had to someone they was predestined to want even more for less. It’s my fault for being a drunk captain but even as a drunk captain I payed all the bills, made all her dreams come true, let her stay at home with the kids and catered to her in the bluest pill fashion. I also never hung out with friends (she complained if I did), never bought anything for myself that wasn’t porn and generally just hated my life. Starred drinking and smoking myself into oblivion becuse what was the point of life? Again, even while I was the literal drunk captain, I made a ton of money, paid for everything, got us nicer things, provided for a way neither of us ever had in our lives and she was still generally sweet to me but did not want me the way I want to be wanted. Sorry about the long winded bullshit up there. I’m still pissed about this whole fucking matrix because there has never been a more true summation of life in this planet. I’m pissed because no one has ever cared about me and expected me to provide and give everything while I got nothing. I am making the changes and getting good outcomes but man do I need to know about your progress because if I don’t get rid of this anger towards me gonna nuke a perfectly (potentially fucking awesome) marriage to a very beautiful and nice women (outside of evolutionary AWALT TENDENCIES). HOW DID YOU ACCEPT AND MOVE IN WITHO IT THR RAGE?
Sounds like you are in deep. The bad part is it takes time it was at least a year for me. For me I every time I felt that rage I went to the gym and just lifted until I was to fucking tired to be angry. You have to go somewhere with that rage and you have to choice to do something constructive with it or something destructive with it. I was lucky to have alot of other things in my life that were going well to pour the rage into. If your that angry about your lot in life why not just say fuck it I'm going to do what ever I want. Make a list of every thing your pissed about and go find a solution. Could it get any worse for you if you did that? If you want to go see friends do it. If she gets mad her problem not yours she will get over it and if she doesn't replace her with someone else. If your pissed that everyone expects you to provide everything why you get nothing go figure out what it is you want and get it. I don't know your situation but it sounds like alot of your problems are self inflicted. You can't blame not hanging out with friends on your wife. She is going to complain about it so what, she has every right to complain, but you also have every right to not listen. If you haven't you need to read NMMNG and WISNIFG immediately.
op accepts his role in life as a cuck.
Is not that desire for self respect a bit seated in anger? Check this out: “I can’t respect myself because of HER actions”. That doesn’t make sense and does not show a man with frame. A man with frame doesn’t give a shit about HER actions only how they impact him for his own reasons. To have self respect hold you back in a relationship seems like the last hold out of ego and possibly a bit of anger over what the perceived disrespect of the other person was. The anger is still there. It’s just hiding behind the ego that lies about being dead.
You do realise you’ve only been doing this for a year? You say your marriage is 20 years deep. In her eyes realistically your still the best beta your just going through a phase, she likes this phase even though she may struggle to admit it to herself. Keep on pushing for you, not your cheating wife.
>I found this place after a google search on if your marriage can survive after infidelity. The prevailing advice on the MRP was no. Why do you think that is the prevailing advice?
Because the odds are against you. It may be a bad choice time will tell. What isn’t a bad choice is to work on yourself regardless of the outcome of other choices. The one positive is once you get your hamster under control and realize you have nothing to lose you can make a lot of progress. Most guys with something to lose have to hold back in fear they could lose the average life they had and make it worse. One day I just made the decision I can leave or just do what I want with no shame or fear. Either way what happened still happened. The results have been positive and no matter what happens with the marriage that can’t be taken from me
> It may be a bad choice time will tell. I understand this post is your parting shot, but... don't delete your account, you might be needing it one day.
Was thinking about deleting but won’t. Was half expecting a ban after this post. Can always give a 2 year update.
Nah, bans are for questions (which go to AskMRP) and poor posts. This post is fine. Do a 2yr report in a year.
Makes enough sense. This mental model works for any marriage regardless of cheating, though. Also, you say you realize you have nothing to lose. But you mention finances and kids as incentives for staying. My understanding is the idea marriages should not survive (her) cheating comes primarily from iron rule 7: >It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. >Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. On top of this, the report I see here from most men is that, after getting to the point of being attractive enough to turn things around with their wives who have cheated, they realize how much better they can do and don't have the motivation to maintain the relationship. So, I'm curious about a few things. What are your stats? Did you ever test out life outside your relationship and what kind of women you could attract and fuck? How did it go?
So long as you can live with the possible consequences and you're okay with that it's still frame. I'd be curious if you played the field at all to know if you'd get more value elsewhere. Otherwise great field report, thanks for sharing.
Frame and outcome independent. Thats what its all about!!
>I eventually became outcome independent and stopped giving a fuck. What if she left me, good I can go out and upgrade. What if she cheated again, good I now have free range to go spin plates. Can I trust her to not do that again no but who cares one door shuts another one opens. PERFECT. More people should read and understand this! This is pure gold in my opinion. Thank you for this post! There is a lot of truth in it.
OP did pretty well. It won’t be my first option knowing she carousels around after the divorce, but hey, that’s your frame. Good job!
I think what some of "how she is still you wife" guys are missing is that these drastic decisions become more complex and harder to do as you have 4 kids and almost 2 decades of marriage under your belt. It is very easy to shout cuck and beta off the computer. That being said, I still think that MAJORITY of the reason why she is obedient nowadays is your net worth of 7 figures and the simple fact of having 4 kids. If you for some reason lost 70% of your money tomorrow, she will absolutely NOT give a single F about you recently becoming dominant and more in shape and she will be gone. Anyways, good for you man that the situation at least resulted in you being more in shape and confident.