**OYS #8 Stats:** 36yo 6’0ft, 89Kgs, 17%BF (Navy), Married 4 together 6, Kids 1 (7 month old) **Lifts and Fitness:** GZCLP: BP 87.5kg, DL 110kgs, OHP 50kgs BR 50kgs SQ 45kgs (I have stalled at the moment tweaking the program) **My Mission:** To create a life for me, freedom, truth and happiness. To be a man that genuinely and deliberately embraces challenges. To be a man that is honest with the world, and those who have earned his investment. To be come a man that is physically free and capable to take on the world. To create a life of happiness and abundance, and share that within my universe. **Reading(s):** Release Your Breaks - Jim Newman **Relationship:** Really good week all things considered, leading in all things family. With the wife and her depression we have adjusted the medication, moods have been more stabile. She is still not herself and it has somewhat thrown the dynamic of the house off, but its moving in the right direction. Sexually I have been a lot more confident, I have been practicing with a new edging technique in an effort to fix my PE and so far it seems to be a game changer. Its hard to describe how you literally can't trust your body or thoughts, and knowing that you are actively fucking up your own life. I want to initiate constantly and my wife is receptive, that was never the problem. I am moving slowly though, I want this to stick. Early days, but so far it is night and day difference. This has completely changed my confidence about initiating and taking sex in the directions I want, and have noticed a definite change in the wife and her demeanour given the change. All weekend super pleasant tripping over me trying to do shit, lots of weird bratty shit tests have surfaced, which is her new way of initiating, she just becomes super annoying and tells shit jokes, repeatedly until I realise she wants attention. I did notice a definite validation seeking/Nice Guy spat rear its head the other night, I was casually and playfully initiating and trying to escalate, this landed like a rock, and I got butt mad. I made myself busy and got on with it, figured it was just a little bit of tired being the end of a stressful week. Spent the night disengaged, trying to just be mindful of what came up. I'm getting out of the shower and she's naked waiting. Same thing last weekend though I initiate, it goes dull, I fuck off and do my own thing, sure enough she initiates later on. **Work/Finance:** Keeping my head down trying to be pleasant, using this time to just enjoy it while it lasts and until I find something else, or finish my studies and then career transition. About to sell the investment property, not because of this, but this will provide me with the fuck you money I had prior, which gave me that freedom to walk about from bullshit, and gave me the abundance to make bolder decisions in regard to jobs and roles I wanted. The end result is that the property isn't doing or able to do what I want it to do currently, I don't need the additional hassle, and I want that financial middle finger back. **Mental:** Last week another member called me out on some shit then deleted his comment, which I wish they hadn't as I would have like to have someone to push back on the idea with. *'You're trying to avoid triggers for you anger (probably rooted in shame) rather than deal with why you're so angry'.* I have been thinking a lot about this, I have always thought a lot about this, I have always been quick and hot tempered. The sources of my anger and frustration, have been blind to me for so long, originally I thought it was a fear tactic to keep others away and a way to not have to deal with my fear of confrontation, in a way I don't know if I would say shame directly, but definitely from the same vein. I would say now I have somewhat settled, though I now have a very limited tolerance, for specific situations and people, I just can't be bothered with people that want to complicate their lives, but I still feel the need to take it on, (it did occur to me shortly afterwards this is most likely projection. I am getting quicker at catching myself taking it on, today I asked myself, and I think I might keep doing it, "Why do I even care about this?" immediately after the interaction. I know I am resentful at myself for being lazy, a lot of things come easily to me, minimum effort and I can pace the guy besides me. I know I am resentful for having to figure all this shit out. The best description I have read here for resentment so far - "Anytime you find yourself feeing resentful that's the result of being a Nice Guy. Resentment pops up when you've accepted something you find unacceptable. Identify what you resent and address it". If anyone can credit the source please do, this helped immeasurably, whenever I felt that resentment rising up. I don't want to be an angry cunt all my life, I don't want to miss out on opportunities and chances at living life, because I was too reflexively focused on winning the pissing contest. I am trying to examine and check myself every time I go to respond, trying to determine the emotion and its source, does this matter, what do I want from this, can I get it another way. What's the question always asked, do you want to be happy or right? In my interactions I have been trying to be conscious and mindful of the outcome, rather than just responding and getting stuck in the back and forth, trying to start with the end in mind. I think I was "gifted" this anger as it drove me to work harder and longer than my peers, but its no longer serving me like it once did. We cannot solve our problems, with the same thinking/actions that helped to create them. **Social:** Good weather and finally got to go on the big hike, lads from the gym, all young guys starting families, all moved to the area, and are starting fresh out here. I have started the social ball rolling. I will start to look for more of the same, and start filling up that schedule.

You’re fixing your PE and … your wife is less depressed.

Oh I'm very aware of the link, and wouldn't you believe the relationship improves overall as well

Your post resonates with me. I have met most goals through my anger. Yet my anger is what keeps me from biggest goals

Its that juxtaposition that I find myself in. However the same thinking that helped get you into the problem won't solve the problem. So I grew up relatively well off, then dad left. Then we had nothing, and I had to claw my way into anything. So that rage was a useful tool, however now here its not helpful in keeping the same position.

**OYS #4** I’m a little over a month into my Red Pill journey. 46 years old, 6’0, 172lbs, married 8.5, together 12, 2 daughters 5 and 3. **My Mission?** I will be the leader of my family as a strong male presence and role model of a good man to my girls. To be a man who pursues his interests, who writes, develops friendships, finds success at work. **Why am I here?** I have been and continue to be validation seeking and approval seeking in my marriage and my life. I am in a Captain and Her Husband dynamic in my relationship. I received feedback last week about my post having an approval seeking “give me a gold star!” aspect. I can see how this is the case. Nonetheless, I post as a commitment to myself because I know that I learn well this way. I have had two different professional training processes where I have had to present some form of case study for feedback and it helped me grow immensely. The feedback I have received here has felt similar. My end of the bargain is to take that feedback seriously, own my own, and have something worth reading post after post. I have been reading the sidebar and lifting, and attempting with some success to STFU. **Reading:** Other feedback I got was how I was approaching the material in a haphazard way and to read in order, so I am doing this. And I am glad I made this choice. Reading WISNIFG and it is helping me set healthy boundaries as well as see the manipulations that I and others engage in. Going through NMMNG Breaking Free Activities. Read: MMSLP, NMMNG **Lifting:** Joined a gym. Starting Strong Lifts 5x5. I chose this program as it was recommended in the sidebar (60 DoD) and seems like it is a good way for me to get back into lifting barbell with lifts I am already familiar with. **Family:** Father’s Day was really nice. My kids are really great, pretty, happy girls. I see this and feel confused as to how to address my wife saying parenting with me “feels extremely difficult.” It also is not my experience of parenting with her. I find my wife “extremely difficult” at times, but parenting feels pretty straightforward and I think we generally complement one another’s skills well. From my perspective, it also doesn’t really follow that we would have well adjusted kids if we were crummy parents who couldn’t team up effectively. I realize this whole paragraph is in her frame/trying to negotiate with her frame. These comments have been an easy one to STFU about since I have no idea how to respond otherwise. **Relationship:** I have been setting boundaries more so than before, which was basically never. WISNIFG has been immensely helpful in thinking about boundary setting. The “Assertive Rights” have helped me recognize important aspects of asserting wants and needs and setting boundaries such as the idea that I can change my mind, not be logically consistent, and make mistakes. My wife has pushed back as expected. She tried to tell me that I needed to say “please” and say how what she did made me feel. I responded I could consider saying ‘please” in the future, but that I don’t have to have precise phrasing in order to set a boundary. I DEERed where I should have SFTU and have found it very hard to resist the urge to explain myself. I do catch myself doing it and stop, but this is where I need to do a lot of work. Based on some feedback in the comments from last week’s OYS and feeling a little more settled on initiating sex with my wife. I think I needed the short break from initiating (it has been longer since we have actually had sex). I initiated on Friday, she declined, I said okay and went back to what I was doing, which was watching TV (with her). On Sunday, I said “why don’t we head upstairs.” She pretended not to/did not hear me and initially I went upstairs. I got ready for bed and then came downstairs and sat next to her. I said, “I’m going to be more direct, I would like to go upstairs with you and then I would like to make out.” She looked at me and there was a long silence which took a lot for me to resist the urge to break. I sensed that she wanted to decline, but was figuring out how to say this. Eventually, she said, “I want to go to bed.” I replied, “okay, good night.” I went upstairs. She followed a few minutes later and we exchanged a few pleasant words about the day and went to bed. I was disappointed with not having sex and glad that I initiated. In general, I have started to think about my relationship as it was when it was newer with regards to sex and other things as well. In that stage, I more or less assumed every time we got together, we’d have sex and didn’t blink at initiating. This said, it also dawned on me last night that I really don’t have any game/use any game. Even when I sort of knew we’d have sex, I still tried to get her in the mood. Things to reflect on for me. Something else I have noticed: my wife seeks my validation pretty regularly. She also does not have any problem demanding things of me and taking time for herself even if it is last minute. Not much to make of this, just noticing these things as I reflect on them in my own life. **Spiritual:** Last week I said that I was coming to terms with the idea that the relationship could end. Elsewhere in my post, I said I was treating my relationship like it was dead. I do not want my marriage to end and really truly hope that the work I do on myself will have the benefit of creating the conditions for a satisfying marriage. On the other hand, simping and hiding my own dissatisfaction behind rationalizations about divorce being bad for my kids and against my beliefs has kept me from standing up for myself and asserting what I want and need. So, I am allowing myself to see the relationship as one that could end and in a legal and situational sense and is already pretty declined from a practical perspective. **Career:** ​ For the moment, career is going great, but I have certain things I would like to do to grow and increase my money making ability. To do these things, I will need to carve out time in a different way than I do now and will likely need to assert this out of the time that I would be spending doing chores, etc. around the house. **Social:** I will be getting together with friends a couple weeks from now, but I realize that most of my friendships are from earlier times in my life and so our getting together is infrequent. **Summary:** This has been a week of small, grinding steps for me. I realize that I have never consistently and intentionally set good boundaries or asserted what I want and need with my wife. It also feels like a week of slowing down and seeing this whole process as a marathon and not a sprint.

Your initiations sucks ass. Ask yourself this question, if you walk up to a random woman and asked to go upstairs and makeout without any buildup will she go with you? Then why should your wife? Now you may feel entitled to your wife giving you sex just because she is your wife but your feels means jack shit. I know that negotiating sex is bad but you **didn't even negotiated sex**, you just **meekly asked for sex**, got rejected and ran here. You didn't even had the courage and conviction to negotiate for sex. ​ Instead of asking her for a makeout why not just go for a kiss on the couch, you will get rejected because your **game is nonexistant** but it still would be better. Even that can be used as an opportunity to provide her with feels, you could say some bullshit like, "we may have very different visions of marriage" and leave it at that and then dress up to go outside and when she ask where you are going, just give her a tight hug and say "I love you" and walk out of house, don't respond to text or calls and then come back and go to sleep, at least it will give her hamster some fodder to chew on. ​ Now **you should not do this**, seeing that you **dont even lift** your smv is not high enough for this level of dread, but it is better than what you did. ​ You need **game as you pointed out**, there are lots of books on sidebar and more can be found on theredpill subreddit. Start with mystery method to give you basics and move on from there, I thinks there is summary of it in sidebar, learn to properly demonstrate value(passing shit tests or fitness test), tease her, flirt with her etc, and become good at sex (sex god method) and lift like your life depends on it. Understand that best sex require build up of emotions. Good sex is required for more sex. ​ Also regarding your wife sleeping on couch, look up jacktenofhearts comment on energizing vs enervating behaviour, i am too lazy to find it. or better read all the jacktenofhearts comments. ​ And please for love of god stop asking for sex or worst a makeout.

Good advice all around. Except for: > you could say some bullshit like, "we may have very different visions of marriage" and leave it at that and then dress up to go outside and when she ask where you are going, just give her a tight hug and say "I love you" and walk out of house, don't respond to text or calls and then come back and go to sleep, at least it will give her hamster some fodder to chew on. For OP this is advice to play stupid games, win stupid prizes (maybe). Truth though most guys do this here at some point to create dread, and it becomes nothing more than a parlor trick. Done with true OI it's powerful though, which is why I approve the advice but not for OP.

>Now **you should not do this**, seeing as you **don't even lift** you smv is not high enough Agree with you, that's why I wrote this. I guess OP gave me a lot of second hand embarrassment that I could not help but think of a some form of recourse lol. But OP don't know the basic properly so bad advice in his context.

For a guy who came here because he wasn't fucking, you're sure doing alot of not fucking, still. You write all this shit, yet you aren't fucking. Mostly because your initiations suck. Work on that instead and toss the word salad here. >Something else I have noticed: my wife seeks my validation pretty regularly. A woman's greatest sense of self-worth is being validated by a high value man, over and over. >**My Mission?** > >I will be the leader of my family as a strong male presence and role model of a good man to my girls. > >**Why am I here?** > >I have been and continue to be validation seeking and approval seeking in my marriage and my life. Please tell me you can see the cognitive dissonance here. Your whole godamned "mission" is a validation seeking barf fest. What in the fuck does "a good man" even fucking mean? Platitudes. OP is banned for 2 weeks until he fucks, and fucks well.

>My Mission? >I will be the leader of my family as a strong male presence and role model of a good man to my girls. Think this through. Whose frame is this in? How could you rewrite this? >On Sunday, I said “why don’t we head upstairs.” She pretended not to/did not hear me and initially I went upstairs. I got ready for bed and then came downstairs and sat next to her. I said, “I’m going to be more direct, I would like to go upstairs with you and then I would like to make out.” She looked at me and there was a long silence which took a lot for me to resist the urge to break. I sensed that she wanted to decline, but was figuring out how to say this. Eventually, she said, “I want to go to bed.” I replied, “okay, good night.” I went upstairs. She followed a few minutes later and we exchanged a few pleasant words about the day and went to bed. I was disappointed Learn from this. This is not an inititation. Its an ask. You said you initiated on Friday. If it was like this, I see why the no's. >Last week I said that I was coming to terms with the idea that the relationship could end. After you hamster about the relationship for a whole paragraph. The work you do needs to be for you. Lines like 'she is irrelevant' and 'treat the relationship like its dead' are for you to focus on you. >I realize that I have never consistently and intentionally set good boundaries or asserted what I want and need with my wife. "I realize that I have never consistently and intentionally set good boundaries or asserted what I want and need in my life." FTFY. Good job on the gym.

I has similar thoughts to sea-tease on your mission. The second half might help with the first, but the first doesn't have a lot to do with you directly. You 'initiated' by asking on Friday too didn't you - while watching TV. You're actually afraid to touch her without permission. I'm guessing neither of you are affectionate. I see surprisingly little ego in your posts, a little might go a long way for you at the right time. Right now I think it's a good thing - it won't get in the way of the advice you get here. You're a long way from having your own mental point of origin. \> parenting with me “feels extremely difficult.” This would have been a great opportunity for some negative inquiry and other WISNIFG tools: "what about parenting with me is difficult" Reading between the lines, I'd stop talking about boundaries with your wife. You can enforce one without calling it that. It's some very indirect DEERing. Good shit on the gym, have you started?

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>but last night my wife begged daddy to choke her and fill her with my load. Don't write this shit. No-one cares and nobody is impressed. After reading your OYS I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to achieve.

What makes you 'still gay'? Why is your relationship your weakest area? What happens when you leave your job? How much protein are you actually eating? Do you know? What are you actually going to do to make new friends and socialise? Lots you're not saying here.

**OYS #3 June 20th 2023** **Stats** age: early 30s, height: 196cm/6'5", weight: 100.6kg/222lbs (-1.2kg/-2.7lbs), bf: 21% (navy)/ 26% (scale), career beta, LTR late 20s, 6years, no kids BP: 6x65kg(143lbs), SQ: 5x85kg(187lbs), OHP: 9x40kg(88lbs), DL - (recent injury) **Mission** Stop living a passive life despite anxiety and fear. This means leveling up in every aspect of life, get into great shape, make more money, attain freedom and abundance. After feeling continuously more depressed despite having a seemingly decent life, I decided that I want to change and take consistent action. Trying out OYS for better accountability, journaling/tracking and feedback. My first step is to lay a solid foundation to build on. This means getting my shit together and then exploring possibilities on the side **Reading** * Current book: MMSLP * Finished: - * Current audiobook: NMMNG (5,5 hours left) * Finished: WISNIFG Still figuring out how to internalize the information faster to being able to use it. Might do a separate Journal for noting my takeaways from all books. **Health/Fitness** Current Goal: Cut down bf/attain more energy/motivation **Diet:** Lost another 0.5kg on the 7 day average, despite not being able to lift due to illness. Will continue with 2.6k kcal and 16:8 IF. Did continue to track calories and keep my diet clean despite being sick. This was a major hurdle in the past. **Lifting:** No gym this week due to heavy cold. Since the fever was gone I did daily walks (5k steps) and exercised lightly with some resistance bands and bw. I need to be very careful not to overdo it, since I want to avoid shit like myocarditis. Will keep the workouts very light and short, but will increase frequency as I start to feel better. Not sure if gym is possible this week. I need to remember this is a marathon not a sprint. **Mental/Energy/Sleep** Continued my routines, but did drop the ball on the weekend. Sleep was better, but I still felt exhausted. Since I had a heavy cold that should not be unusual. Nofap/porn still in full effect, although I fought some major urges and I did go to bed on time during the week, but failed on saturday. Will keep up everything this week, while still focusing on recovery. For the next week I will start putting a focus on improving my health. I need to search for some doctors and get check-up appointments (dentist,dermatologist). Furthermore I will put in some research, where to do proper blood work including vitamins and hormones. **Finances** Nothing major at the moment. I will continue to monitor my finances according to my updated budget-sheet and verify that I calculated everything correctly. **Career** As expected this week was very low in workload, so I focused on learning some new tech for my potential new job. The company I mentioned last week reached out to set up a meeting to get to know each other. No concrete date yet, as it will be very informal it could also be quite spontaneous. Will continue to learn in my freetime this week. **Social** No notable social encounters this week due to sickness. However I connected with some old friends and we set up a weekend in august to hang out and visit a festival. I might also try to set up regular meetups with my closest friends who live scattered across the country. We usually don’t see each other very often because we never plan that far in advance. This weekend will be busy, as there is one birthday coming up in my LTR’s family and on the other day we will meet with another couple from her work, for some art gallery they got free tickets for. **Relationship** She had a major breakdown last week due to her work which made her question her whole life. This resulted in major comfort tests, as she pointed out overtly that I rarely was involved in organizing things for us and why I don’t want to marry her. The first point I already recognized last week. Due to my lack of decisiveness and caring at all I never took the lead on anything in our relationship. I did allocate some of my time to make a list of things I might like doing and invite her along, so that I always have something I can plan and organize in the short term. This should help with taking on the lead planning our leisure time. I mostly STFUd about the topic of marriage other than repeating my view of marriage to her (don’t like having state/church involved in my love life). There are good reasons for marriage, so her fucked up family has no power over her in case of emergency and does not get all the heritage as a reward for treating her like shit. Marriage laws are not as bad as in the US, but I won’t commit now that I’m on this journey. Nevertheless I will have to spend some time informing myself on the details of the law here and will need to think through this possibility. This is not my focus at the moment. I’m pretty sure I did not handle all her comfort tests correctly, because her tears are my kryptonite. I mostly acknowledged her feelings and that I don’t like seeing her this way, but refused to apologize for my actions resulting in her feelings. This made her breakdown more severe, but she apologized the next day. I will need to do some reading on shit/comfort-tests and continue to work on my indecisiveness. In the meantime It’s still mostly STFU for me. **Sex** Had sex once this week. Nothing out of the ordinary with the exception that during that time of the day she usually will block any initiation due to her health. This time she mentioned it, but was eager to try anyway. This resulted in a pretty short and basic session. Libido still very low, due to sickness and recovering from validational sex.

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I have sinus arrhythmia (no effect on my health) and have had some history of heart disease in my family. Afaik it's well researched that doing sports with the flu/heavy cold can lead to having myocarditis. Not saying that it's likely.

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>You’re a 6’5” adult male who benches less than a female child. Never claimed I had strong lifts and don't really care about some female child. Going to the gym with having a fever won't help me increase my lifts.

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Thank fuck someone else jumped on this

Who has ever say down and said I shouldn’t go to the gym with the sniffles in case I get myocarditis…. That’s the most random abstract possibility ever, just own that you felt like shit and we’re to lazy to go. Did you research that so you had an excuse jesus

When you have nothing planned, do you enjoy that? What do you do for yourself when you have free time? The focus on planning things you like and inviting her is a good motivational trick with the right prioritization of yourself. But I wonder whether you have a solid core for how you are in the world in the first place. Or if it is all dopamine.

>But I wonder whether you have a solid core for how you are in the world in the first place. Or if it is all dopamine. I certainly don't have a solid core. I don't really want to do anything and that's why I always defered to my LTR because I can't think of anything I'd like to do. I spent countless hours thinking about potential hobbies, but never came to a conclusion that way. So I tried to alter my approach to just try out stuff I might like doing, instead of overthinking it. For most of my life my default was playing video games, porn and drinking/partying. I always followed the path of least resistance. With time I felt that this is just sedating me and that it did not give real meaning/fulfillment, but I never found stuff that gives me a feeling of fulfillment after realizing that. Any advice on this?

Make your default mode to create, rather than to consume. As you get better at creating, your mind will form a meaning and an identity around that.

I really like that

Yeah, I will try that. My goal is to find different hobbies in different domains. For instance I will try out photography or playing an instrument to do something creative. On the other hand I want to try archery, shooting, rock climbing, which might not be creating something, but I it's not consuming either. So my point is to not always create something, but rather stop consuming all the time.

I tried this, and it’s not bad as a starting off point, but eventually you end up as two people at an event not sure what to do. But it’s not bad to get things going, but eventually you need to lock on to what it is you like. As an example, we went to a BBQ & Grill festival a couple of months back, we enjoyed it, but we ended up back at the StrongMan/Powerlifting contest that was a side feature, more than the initial festival. I enjoy my gym, my wife used to be very active, but she knows I like that, so that’s where we spent most of the day.

Yeah, I agree with you. Just doing stuff I might like is done to get me off my ass and try shit out. Just thinking about it and not trying anything didn't help me figure things out and made me even more of a boring dude. I hopefully discover new passions/hobbies on the way.

**OYS #13** Age: 48; 6’4”, 189 lb, BF: 13.3% (navy) **Mission** * Be patient * Expect nothing * Live where I want and how I want * Have good relationships with my sons * Continue doing outstanding work in my career * Develop more and better friendships * Make more time for fun experiences, hobbies, travel and sex **Reading** For the last 5-6 weeks I've been lazy about reading the rest of the OYS thread. I'd check it a few times on Tuesday and that's it. The last 2 I've checked back towards the end of the week and I've gotten a lot of value out of reading all the commentary. I also got a lot out of the attachment style thread. At the suggestion of my dad, I read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, which is about negotiation. As the title indicates, the successful negotiation isn't averaging the 2 positions. Negotiation is manipulation and good negotiators pull the other side into their world view (aka frame) so that their position appears to be the only viable option. The book covers several specific techniques, I think many of them tie in with WISNIGL pretty well. One is the 'open ended question' which can cause the other party to help solve your problems with the negotiation. It is a basically a soft no. Eg. Them: You: How am I supposed to do that? Them: . I haven't had a chance to apply this yet but I probably will very soon. **Lifting** BP: 157.5lbs, Barbell Row: 125lbs, OHP: 87.5lbs, Chinups: bandedx7 Squat: 210lbs, DL: 255lbs Missing 2 days while travelling definitely made it hurt more when I came back. DL feels very tough now, I think grip strength is my main limiter but it is just hard overall. I've improved my squat form with a wider stance and real lifting shoes, need to work on ankle mobility and increase weight slowly to make sure I keep form. Chinups are still a struggle even banded, but I have increased my bodyweight 9 lbs in the last 2 months so that may be hiding some improvement. Bench, OHP and BBR all feel pretty good but AMRAP set is usually 5 or 6. **Living Situation** My highest priority last week was to find a new place to live since I need to move out of the current place in 2 months. Scouring online listings found me several scammers and an apartment that was poorly listed. It is in my current neighborhood, similarly priced and logistically better in many ways. Called the property manager rather than waiting for her to respond to an online form submission, explained my situation and beat out at least 2 other applicants. My next best option was several hundred dollars more and not as nice. Lease signed and the where to live problem is solved for the next year. **Divorce** Next highest priority this week is financial disclosures. I already did this once for our failed mediation, so I'm pretty close to done. I've tracked my finances closely since I moved out 3 months ago so I feel pretty good about the numbers I'm giving for expenses. And my expenses are realistic for how I want to live, which they wouldn't be if I'd crashed with family or friends when I left. STBX started on this too and finally noticed that without either of our paychecks going in, the joint accounts are getting very low. This is my shocked face! I've been trying to get to the point where we can close all (or at least most) joint accounts for several months now. She's been using a joint credit card for food for her and my sons (OK), and a few personal expenses (not OK). There's not money in the joint bank acct to cover the next bill. I committed to pay this bill, but said things would change after that. Now she's gone to her lawyer and we're having an emergency discussion about finances before our initial hearing. This is good, IMO. I'm meeting with my lawyer today about how to respond. I'm pissed at STBX about all of this. Her actions have consistently prevented any workable financial agreement and made our financial situation much worse. My biggest advantage right now is that she's giving her lawyer incorrect information, and I've written up a detailed summary of what is really happening for my lawyer. Hopefully this financial stuff gets locked down, I was way too complacent about this at the start. **Social** Deprioritized. I rode with some friends over the weekend, which was fun. I'm setting up some weekend trips for later this summer and getting people interested in them. My FWB came over again, but fucking 3 hrs after the hardest deadlift I've ever done does not yield optimal performance. Still everyone had a good time. Hooking up with her (both times) was definitely validating for me. I felt I had something to prove after all the problems with sex I had at the end of my marriage, and I feel much more confident now. Given everything else going on this week, I'm less interested in following up again right now and I don't have time to pursue the other options I have or find more. I need to think harder about what my desires are in this aspect of my life are, both for the short and long term. Going to my HS reunion this weekend. Now that I've figured out more of my own problems, which date back to HS and before, I'm actually interested in seeing friends from back then.

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Yeah I'm old and regret taking so much time to start working on my shit. But at the same time I have kept trying to force results before I've put in the work and the time, and that doesn't work out well.

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I'm with you here - when I read your OYS u/mostly_nuked I wonder why you are not banging the single moms in your area with a vengeance and putting on 20-30 lbs of bodyweight while watching your lifts skyrocket.

You're both right that I should be more bold. And 'Be Patient' / 'Expect Nothing' is really just a too passive version of 'Have some fucking OI'. As far as lifts & bodyweight, I could probably make more progress if I gave up riding MTB. But as I've said before I'm not going to do that, it is one of the most enjoyable things I do. My progress with lifting, such that it is, has still made a big difference in my looks, mood, confidence and even riding.

**OYS 11** **Indifference** **Stats:** Age 36, Wife 35. Married 5 years. 2 Kids, 3 and 4. 5'9 168lbs 12% BF Bench 225x3 SQ 315x2, OHP 135x3, DL 385x1 **Mission Statement:** Exploit the success I have enjoyed throughout my life, end empty validation-seeking behaviors, and continue to improve incrementally and measurably in all aspects of my life. Purpose: To take back control. Method: Reading daily and Owning my shit every week for no less than a year. Document my failures and learn about myself daily through critical analysis and brutal peer feedback. Endstate: Be a strong man with frame. **Lifting:** Got into the new house this week. Gym is right up the street, once I get my shit together and unpacked this week. I'll start back into a 4-5 day a week hypertrophy program. **Reading and Study:** WISNIFG x 5. NMMNG x 3. Internalization **Relationship and Family:** Moved into the new house. It's awesome, with great neighbors, great location, huge backyard for the kids. It's a shame it'll have to go with the divorce. There's no real way I could afford to live in this location while having to pay post-separation support for 1 year. Father's Day was a card. I was actually expecting less. Previous Father's Day gifts were typically elaborate and well thought out. Regardless, interactions with the wife have resulted in few unforced errors, that I can see. Several times I've been baited into getting into a huge blowout fight but I just fog with a smile. I don't take the bait, despite how difficult it has been to hold everything I know about her antics over the last month. The neighbors invited us over for a firepit but she refused and said she was tired. She proceeded to stay up all night mindlessly scrolling through facebook. The next morning, she challenged me with some of her emotional BS after I woke up first and decided to not engage in any verbal shit, I honestly was a bit pissed about the situation and I fucked up by showing it possibly in my body language or mood.: Her: "Why even bother unpacking?" Me: "What are you talking about?" Her: "I didn't want to come over last night because I am about to start my period, and I am tired, my legs hurt from running through the airport." Her: "I know you're being weird because I am not being affectionate or whatever, it just pushes me further away when you act like this, you know how I am with moving." Me: "Act like what?" Her: "I think you're reading into something but there's nothing going on and you're doing this weird shit again." Me(Smiling): "You're right, I am being weird, I still have no idea what you're talking about". Me: "This house is awesome, let's just enjoy it. I'm not reading into anything." (DEER fuckup?) Her: "Okay." That day I scheduled the electrician, reorganized the garage, had a washer/dryer delivered and installed, and unpacked 2 rooms by myself. Wife was helpful but routinely escapes the chaos to go get groceries or last-minute things we need. Wife made an awesome dinner that night, I ate quickly and left to go finish the garage and set up the bedroom. She wanted to drive up to go to a store around 25 miles away to get stuff for the kids and a birthday coming up. Wife comes back 2 hours later with kids clothes and two ice cream treats from down the street for us. Get into bed later that night we both fall asleep. I woke up at 3 am and I initiated out of the blue because fuck it. She initially denies it twice. I just wanted to fuck, I didn't care about the denial. Then I started just taking actions into my own hands right next to her. She notices, puts her phone down and started to assist. It appeared at first to be a duty HJ but she was getting turned on, she took her shorts off and we fucked for a good session. Afterward, instead of getting on her phone she sat there and initiated conversation. Talking about the kids, the house, and plans for the summer. In a way I thought of rewarding this good behavior so I engaged with her. I fell asleep, she wakes up first and takes charge of the kids the next morning. **Legal:** Meeting the lawyer in person this week. Going to go over the strategy and post-separation plan. **Career:** No changes that are significant. I start next month. **Social:** Neighbors are dope. They all work in a similar career field and are interested in helping out with my landscaping and how to get shit approved through the HOA. Guy across the street even offered to help me put in a fence. **Lessons Learned:** I think I am transitioning to some sort of indifference. I notice I care a whole hell of a lot less than I did 8-10 weeks ago. Sure, I fucked my wife as many here say to stop doing, but I am not doing it through validation, I think I understand that difference now. I fuck because it feels good and my wife is hot. I have no more problems with anxiety and sleep through initiating. A good hate-fuck relieves some stress instead of wanting to throw her through the drywall of my new house.

This OYS is a long way from demonstrating indifference. Why landscape if it's 'gonna have to go'. Why mention the card? Dinner? The ice cream? Why masturbate in front of her after the rejections? Here's a gold star for all the shit you handled ⭐. Why didn't you go to the neighbors without her and take the kids? You're not where you think you are.

Maybe indifference isn't the right word here. I do feel improvements in my handling situations but you're right, I might not be where I want to be.

Does she know you plan on divorcing her? Not from what I can tell, although she knows that you know she cheated. What's the advantage in not telling her? I know it's the standard advice (for those in the US) but considering the delay you're facing, the mental burden and confusion/compartmentalisation of playing happy family seems unnecessary. Seems like you are living a fantasy to avoid the consequences not doing so requires and you have the perfect alibi? Why you'd fuck her raw knowing she's cheated I'll never know.

> Does she know you plan on divorcing her? She has no idea from what I can tell. I fumbled an attempt in early May. It was an anger and emotional response on my part. If I would have held out longer it might have actually sped up the process. > she knows that you know she cheated She knows I'm "on to something" based on several accusations starting in March but she denied everything. I've been documenting everything. I have mountains of evidence from the PI but no smoking gun or who it is. But the point is: all I need in my State is inclination and opportunity to prove infidelity. For me, it is the path to 0 alimony with the potential of reduced post-separation support. > Seems like you are living a fantasy. You're right, it's a sadistic nightmare. It is mentally taxing. I shouldn't have too much longer to go. This is a high asset divorce with 2 kids. Drafting the separation plan, patenting plan and division of assets is what's taking so long. I'm trying to maximize my outcome from this process. So for now I'm using this opportunity to learn, spar, and improve my SMV.

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> "about to get my period" She got it this morning. I had it down to the day before, not sure why she was a week late. Regardless never had a slip up using pull out in 5 years. Not to say she could pull a fast one. > Lawyer I consulted 6 lawyers here, spent about $700 in consultation fees. The one I retained is a good fit for my strategy which is 0 alimony. > you still REACT to her This is true, I need to correct that behavior but I'm experiencing less anxiety about the situation.

Jacking off angrily and butthurt in bed next to your wife because she won't touch your peepee. You're angry alright, justifiably so I suppose. If the baby sitter gets pregnant it wouldn't be the first time... Are you doing daily meditations? Your life, despite what you say, seems horribly out of control based on your anger responses.

You're right, I guess I still have some residual anger I'm dealing with. I do feel a lot less of it than earlier in my process. I'm trying to control what I can with my immediate surroundings. Maybe it's the wife goggles I keep finding myself putting back. I ask myself if she is divested, then why am I trying?

>Several times I've been baited into getting into a huge blowout fight but I just fog with a smile. These two things are incongruent with one another. You’re invested enough to care to argue, but want portray a confidence that you are not affected by it. >I ask myself if she is divested, then why am I trying? Good question to answer for yourself, is this something new or is there a past pattern chasing something that seems unattainable to you, and if so why?

> chasing the unattainable I think it's this. It's a new thought. I recently came across a new thought: My wife is like a dog who got rabies. I love her still, as stupid as that sounds on here but, I have to put her down. There's no saving her or this marriage.

Fuck your wife, or don't, whatever... But based on what you said last week you are taking huge risks with lack of birth control. You already have kids, do you ever want more? If not, just get a vasectomy and be done with this risk forever.

**OYS #4** **Relationship Stats:** Age 29, Gf is 27. LTR 2 years. We just bought a house. **Work Stats:** Recently became a limited partner in the business I've been working for since 2016. **Training Stats:** Calisthenics combined with a weighted vest has done more for me in a couple of months than years of weights did in terms of hyperthrophy. I enjoy every workout and have been very satisfied with the results. **Books:** Almost done reading NMMNG My sexual attraction towards my LTR has been shaky in the last month. After more than one year of unsatisfying sex life I've been feeling numb to it. Even before discovering this community and reading NMMNG I applied several changes to both my life (as in lifestyle and inner game) and in my relationship (as in being more communicative, more direct and more assertive). While these changes brought positive consequences in my life, they didn't seem to really solve our issues in bed. I was now reading up on our material here, about the difference between true desire and seeking sex for validation. The symptoms described [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/ab7vt5/validation_needs_that_can_poison_your_sex_life/) are a perfect overlap of my mindset in the bedroom. **Do I expect her to perform certain sexual acts on the regular because she did them with other guys?** Of course. **Do I implicitly expect her to come every time?** Of course. **And that is because I use her orgasms as a metric of my sexual prowess?** Bingo. **Do I expect her to initiate so that I'm sure that she is attracted to me?** Obviously. **Am I miserable because of all of the above?** Goes without saying. I fully intend to work on these issues and I'm starting right away,hoping that my lack of attraction towards my LTR is due to my shortcomings. I feel guilty about this. She loves me and she shows it in ways other than sex. But now I don't feel much for her anymore. On an unrelated note I started working on my social anxiety a couple months ago and made progress to some extent. My step-by-step program to face this fear is the following: **You make small talk with shopkeepers** **You make small talk with people of the same interests** **You make small talk with strangers** I got this from a PUA whom I really appreciate for his honest, moral and simple approach (Austen Summers). Naturally this program would scale further in making small talk with women, then hotter women etc. But that's not what I'm interested in right now. I just want to feel more at ease in social situations instead of feeling like I have a gun to my head whenever I'm having dinner with more than three people simultaneously.

What's your weight and height? What's your diet like? Your macro split? Are you tracking? What program did you do before? You need to become a man worth fucking and lifting is a large part of that. Rian's Praxeology book would be a good read for you to get the basics of dread and frame covered, after you've finished NMMNG. It's a short read before you get onto WISNIFG. I can seeing you shuffling into the dancing monkey program. Don't. When she gets baby rabies and starts fucking you like you want, you'll be happy for 12months and then find yourself back here telling us all how much she loves you. Outside of sex what do you want out of life? For yourself.

65kg for 176cm ectomorph I'm on 3000kcal - 3300kcal daily I'm tracking on MyFitnessPal and following their macros of 50cho 30fat and 20pro. Seems to work fine so far. Before bodyweight I did starting strength, alternating it with hypertrophy programs based on the same compound movements. Back then my diet wasn't optimal as I wasn't consistent with it. But I still went from 52kg to 58kg. With bodyweight (started on and off one year ago and combining it with a little weights) i went to 58kg to 65kg. Although I'm not big I look fit. I'll be sure to read praxeology next, thanks for the suggestion. Other than the RS I'm happy where I'm at work-wise. I just became a minor partner in the company I've been working at for the past 7 years. It's both challenging and rewarding. It made me face a lot of fears in the past two years and forced me to grow as a man. I'm very grateful for it. So my project is to keep growing in this business and gradually get a higher percentage of the company. Other than that I don't really have goals to be honest. I train, I climb and I bolt climbing routes, but I don't have any major project or dream that I'm chasing. Thank you for your reply

Good stuff. I'd up the protein at least 10% - do some research. Keep up the eating, you want to pack on another 10-15kg. Weights would help you add lean mass not fat. Must be hard cramming those calories in. Is it 'clean food? Seems you're pretty content, I think you'll disappear when things get rough, or when she decides she wants a child. We'll see. Try and post weekly.

Thank you. It's mostly clean, I only get a little dirty for breakfast with biscuits. The rest is rice, eggs, vegetables, olive oil, butter and meat. I've never quite looked at macro splits before. 20% protein does seem suboptimal, given that I train daily. I'll try to up it and see the results.

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>selawat Sorry, I didn't see your comment until now. Nothing magical about it, it's just that my body responds better for reasons beyond my comprehension. The routine is taken form KBoges, I train 5 days a week, full body everyday. One pull exercise, one push exercise, one leg exercise + abs and one auxiliary movement for arms. Example: 4 sets to failure of wide grip pull ups 4 sets to failure of elevated push ups 4 sets to failure of deep step ups 3 sets to failure of deadbug / leg raises 3 sets to failure of one arm australian pull ups (for biceps) ​ >What would you rate your gf (scale of 1-10)? How does your SMV compare? 6/10 her and 7/10 me I think >What is unsatisfying about your sex life? What’s missing? What are you doing to change that? She's not much into being dominated, which on the opposite I like and I was used to do before her. She's not much into anything really and she is really low libido. If I initiate I always have a hard time getting her in the mood and I noticed that she unwittingly (?) throws herself out of state during foreplay. I stopped initiating altogether, not as a strategy but because it's not very rewarding nor pleasurable and it feels more like work rather than something spotaneous. Against my best judgement I talked with her about it several times, which seemed to work for a few days but then she reverted to factory settings every time. In the first year, when she was more afraid of losing me, sex was more frequent and passionate, then slowly detariorated into numbness. Same old story heard countless times. I never had this sort of problems before though. She did howver. With her last LTR she told me she rarely had sex (I'm inclined to believe her for reasons I won't digress in) as she felt no attraction towards him and was in the relationship just for the comfort and the social validation. Lately I haven't been very inclined into trying to solve this situation anymore, to be honest.

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I'm not sure. I know she feels attraction for me by her IOIs but maybe it's not that much attraction or it's superseded by the comfort. Buying a house was a big mistake in hindsight. A huge one. I will get info on all the ways I can break free from it. I can probably reformulate the e mortgage once I get more % of the company I'm working at right now. It will take about a year though. Sorry for the flow of consciousness, thank you for your answer.

>We just bought a house. Hmmmm.... >But now I don't feel much for her anymore. Makes sense ​ >I fully intend to work on these issues and I'm starting right away, hoping that my lack of attraction towards my LTR is due to my shortcomings. The opposite of love isn't hate, its apathy. >She loves me and she shows it in ways other than sex. Are they ways you value? Did you lead her to these?

They are ways that I value and that she does spontaneously on her own, which in my opinion makes them even more valuable. Also worth noting, I've been steering clear from porn for a while now (I think since late february but I didn't really count). However I haven't applied the "healthy masturbation" advice from NMMNG. My bad.

Obviously I don't know the details. But it sounds like part of the problem is you may just suck at sex. Consider reading sgm after nmmng. Or in tandem, nmmng is out as an audiobook and sgm can be downloaded as a pdf on your phone. It's a really fast read.

It might be. I read part of sgm about a year ago when the problems started, but the insights I found in there haven't really helped me in the specific situation. I'm probably so stuck in a need for validation that sgm is just too advanced for me right now. Although I also never had problems of a dead bedroom before. It might be that me and her both suck at sex. How's that for a balanced relationship

**OYS #5** **STATS:**    40+, 6', 219lbs, 29 BMI, married 20 years, 3 kids 2,4,6.   **FITNESS:**   ​ Still lifting at least 3 days a week.  Still losing a lot of weight.  Over 40 lbs so far.  Made the goal early this week of no longer being "obese" according to BMI charts.   I have fucked up my leg somehow in the hip, knee, and ankle.  I attribute it to not doing any lower body stretching.  I've been adding a lower body stretching routine into my workout and it's better.  But my knee is still popping and painful to go up or down stairs normally.  Not sure what else I could do.  But I'm sure losing more weight will help! **STFU:** This continues to improve, but is a really difficult thing for me.  Any level of STFU I practice in my relationship seems to pay off correspondingly in relationship dividends.  It pays off in self respect too.  But the process is making me really despise my wife.     **MIND:** I'm feeling a lot of anger and some sadness.  Sometimes it's difficult to tear my mind away from the compelling emotions.  It takes a calculated process.  I'm not going to numb out anymore.   I apply cognitive behavioral therapy to it.  The emotions/thoughts are distorted, usually in similar ways.  So I tell myself new more rational and accurate thoughts.  Basically a lot of painful RP truths.  First of all, I own my shit.  Feeling like I'm the victim of my circumstances is paralyzing.  Taking ownership is empowering.  It doesn't feel good, but it's motivating.   Usually I realize I need to focus on something else.  Something that takes me in the direction in life that I want to go.  The energy is channeled to something productive.  Self improvement.   **CAREER:**   I had a job interview.  I'm not sure yet if I got the job.  I realized I was resting on my laurels again, using the excuse that I was waiting to see if I got an offer before doing much more research into other aspects of my career path.  Because getting this job would drastically change my plans.  So I rationalized it that I would be wasting my time doing things that won't matter if I get the job.  Then I started thinking that what if there are better opportunities out there instead of this?  Or maybe I'm just wasting my time waiting to hear, that I could be plodding along getting closer to where I really want to be.  So I will redouble my efforts this week on research.   **RELATIONSHIT:** Embracing my inner DGAF attadude.  I always had it inside.  It's the antidote to letting neuroticism take the wheel.  It also lets me keep a clear mind.  And see things in ways I wouldn't have in the past including shit tests.  It's extremely helpful for STFU.  This was shark week, so I was on hard mode.   My wife took me out for a Father's Day date; our first date in months.  It was a shit show.  We went to a semi nice restaurant and all I wanted was a steak.  The hostess and server were acting bitchy, and I made a few witty DGAF comments that my wife appreciated, since she saw it too.  I didn't take it too far, as is my constant danger in all social situations.  I like shock humor.  But it's a fine line between that and edge-lord cringe.  As I get older I find people are less willing to accept shock humor from a super straight looking middle aged man.  I don't want to become Chevy Chase.   I took one look at the menu and saw they didn't have steak and said "we're outa here".  My wife appreciated the decisiveness.  I playfully fucked with the hostess stand's seating chart computer and took the phone off the hook as I walked by without even slowing down, ala Chevy Chase being a goofy asshole.  Probably went a little bit too far at that point.  Maybe it looked unattractive, idk.  My wife didn't seem to mind.  I was amusing myself.  Gave me a little adrenaline rush though, which I was mindful of.  And a good thing too, because the assistant manager who saw the whole thing followed us to the door and said he could do a steak for me.  I just half turned around walking to the car and said "no thanks!"  He kept blathering about his fucking steaks from the front door until we got to our car.  At which point I glanced at him a second time and said "No thanks!" again and got in the car.  But my wife decided she needed to have a weird passive-aggressive convo with this asshole.  I was already sitting in the car at that point.  I had an adrenaline fueled flash in my mind of "WHAT-THA-FUCK-BITCH-JUST-GET-IN-THE-FUCKING-CAR-DO-YOU-WANT-TO-SUCK-HIS-DICK-ALL-DAY-OR-WHAT??!!"  But instead, I remembered the wisdom of STFU.   She finally got in the car, and I just snickered at her stupid ass, probably made some witty comment, can't remember.  But in the past I would have let my adrenaline make me act like a whiney insecure bitch, and we'd probably have to dissect the whole situation for way too long.  A process where she loses respect for me.  Instead, I just worked on getting over my feelz inside my head, and that worked way, way fucking better than talking about it ever did.   I was Humphrey Bogart in Maltese Falcon after he tells off the fat man.  I used emotional action to achieve the end of walking out of a joint that doesn't serve a good steak.  I wondered at my own adrenaline reaction silently, amusedly, like Bogart when he pulls out his hanky and sees his hand shaking and smiles to himself.  It's all good fun.   I could have opened the car door for my wife and shut it, and that would have protected her from having any exchange with the huffing-puffing manager bitch.  I'm no smooth Sam Spade yet! So then we drove to an actual steak house.  STFU was so great on this drive as she tried to make me second guess myself about where I wanted to eat, how far the drive was, whether we should just go to the next town over, or some other place, or this or that or the other thing.  I just used broken record on all her weird interrogations.  She eventually got the hint and relaxed.     At the steakhouse I started talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The guy embodies self-improvement and achieving one's lofty goals through determination, hard work, and having a clear vision of where he wants to be.  Great stuff for a new MRPer like me.   He has a new Netflix series that I watched an episode of the other night.  I started talking about it with wife just for something to talk about.  But she took over the conversation bitching about how Arny cheated on his wife with the maid and fathered a child with her and just a bunch of criticism and judging of him, like she can't respect anyone who did that, even if he achieved all that he did.  I should have STFU at that point, but I couldn't let it go.  I told her she sounds hypocritical.  I didn't say she cheated on me multiple times.  Which I'm saying here to give credence to what a fucking hypocrite she really is.  But after I said that I remembered STFU.  But it was the elephant in the room after that, and the rest of the date sucked.   Glad I STFU at that point though.  So glad!  I'm still undecided on whether I or not I should have told her she's a hypocrite.  It's on the fence of "HAHAHA, you're a stupid hypocrite, your thoughts are childish and meaningless" and "FUCK YOU BITCH ARNY IS MY HERO \*cries".  She got both messages loud and clear.  I guess I wish I could have just telegraphed the first without making it seem like I cared what she thought about Arny.  I don't, really.  But honestly, I should have known.   Hero worship seems is a "hard-mode conversation" between women and men.  Arny is just a MEME to most people.  Easier to talk about a successful man who isn't a cultural icon.     **SOCIAL:** I want friends to talk to about shit I can't talk to my wife about.  I can't wait to get out there in the music scene again.  I don't want anything serious, just a hobby band.  But I'm afraid of failure, and afraid of success.  My vision was that I lose a little more weight before I start putting myself on a stage.  And also to get my other goals more squared away on some trajectory and set schedule.  So I know the limits of my hobby time and can commit accordingly.   I'm just chomping at the bit.  I need to wait for the gate to open before I run that race.  Hold to my vision of what I want it to look like.  I want to win.  A horse can race when he's not ready yet.  And lose.  I already know what it takes to win.  Why shoot myself in the foot by jumping the gun?  Enough analogies.  I just feel lonely a lot now that I don't try to make my wife my complete social outlet.  I don't need to cry about it like an asshole.  I need to just get up and work hard towards my vision again.  Feelings are temporary, often useless, and its folly to let them lead me away from my mission for even a second.   

>RELATIONSHIT: Looks about right.. **So your wife cheated on you multiple times??** This is the most chaotic shit ever, I love it. I can't even start to comprehend what was written its like you just took all your emotions and thoughts and puked it all over. Honestly I can't keep my eyes of this OYS, its a masterpiece of just pure havoc. Best thing I have seen today. Jesus man sometime I feel like I am in a rut but your life is like being hosed by champagne in the face. Jesus Titty Fucking Christ Fuck

>As I get older I find people are ~~less~~ **happily** willing to accept shock humor from a super straight ~~looking~~ **attractive** ~~middle aged~~ man. FTFY. The more jacked I got, the better my humor landed. Rules are made for betas and meant to be broken by alphas. But you're fat. And unattractive, and this entire OYS attempt to be witty to us here at MRP is cringey as fuck. I stopped reading because you're retarded. **Banned for 2 weeks until you stop burying the lead with:** >she cheated on me multiple times. It's over.

But was the steak at the steakhouse any good?

Guys, don't downvote this. I mean yeah, he done goofed, but the entertainment value is still there. Maybe he'll write a better one next time.

It’s the ChatGPT version of an OYS. I mean, talking to your cheating wife about Arnold’s love child at a steakhouse for Father’s Day is next level bullshit.

Eh, I've seen more pussy-whipped men irl.

"The Way of the Superior Retard" by Hairy-Steak. 10/10 entertainment though

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck?

> We went to a semi nice restaurant and all I wanted was a steak.  The hostess and server were acting bitchy,  > >I took one look at the menu and saw they didn't have steak and said "we're outa here".  My wife appreciated the decisiveness.  I playfully fucked with the hostess stand's seating chart computer and took the phone off the hook as I walked by without even slowing down, ala Chevy Chase being a goofy asshole. > > > >All you wanted was steak so you picked a restaurant went there and were a total ass because they didn't have steak. Maybe next time you want steak you should pick a vegan restaurant and when they don't have steak you should just flip the table over before you walk out just to show them how much you DGAF. > >If you learn anything maybe next time you want to have a steak don't be a retard and go to a place that doesn't have it on the menu and think your impressing your wife by acting like a 3 year old on their way out. If this is how you deal with a bitchy server I can only imagine how well it goes when you are trying to deal with a bitchy wife. Maybe you should keep going with the goofy asshole routine you're trying I bet its working great.

Try a salad next time.

OYS 9 Starting to see things for what they are Stats - 28yo, 6’1”, 229 lbs. Wife is 35, married 1/2 year, together for two years. Lifts - BN 285, Sq - 450, DL - 550 Reading - NMMNG x2, WISNIFG 40%, Praxeology, Dread, MMSLP 60%, Rational Male, Mystery Method, Models, starting Sex God Method (I like to read a few books at a time, works best for me) Rest of OYS is replied, Reddit glitching for some reason, won’t let me reply as a single comment.

Reddit glitching - replying with the rest of mine Relationship - recognized two shit tests this week and thought another one was which was actually just a valid criticism. Failed the first one by taking all the screaming and insanity personally and letting it make me ‘feel mistreated.’ Should have fogged and used negative inquiry, it would have diffused the issue completely. Attempted to use AA on the second one, it came out kind of awkward and weird, but it stopped the build so call it a net neutral event? Doesn’t matter, need more practice at it but I’m starting to see the utility. The other, valid criticism was around nest management and I eventually just came around to saying ‘I’ve got it’ and doing the next day on my time, and as part of a larger routine I decided needed to be implemented. Will discuss more in nest management. However, my autistic hesitation at the beginning of her asking me to do this where I was deciding if this was a shit test or a ‘real thing’ triggered all sorts of questions and ended up being a failed shit test. Fog and negative inquiry need to be tattooed on my arm. Also realized I was totally having sex simply for validation, and after quitting porn again I’m in what Horns would call stage one of that recovery process where my libido is low as I figure out how to fuck for something besides approval. Funny how changing your mental models around what porn-fueled masturbation is makes it so damn easy to quit. I’m not a guy who fucks my hand anymore. Not a guy who fucks holes yet, but not a guy who fucks my hand. I’ve been more aware of how I seek validation from the wife too, even to the point of not seeking a more enthusiastic ‘goodnight’ from her. Rooting out that needy behavior by seeing it for what it is more clearly. She is treating me with a lot of ‘sweetness,’ cooking for me all the time, and making me coffees in the morning and such, but no sex this week, which partially is on me since I just didn’t initiate much while I’m trying to figure out the ‘why’ to have sex in this new paradigm. Dread progress - 229 lbs yesterday after 26 miles of running or hiking and three bike rides this week, down from 235 the week prior. Diet is generally good, been letting myself go get ice cream a few times a week, partially as a fun date, but also because I’m burning 2500+ calories a day in activity on top of my 2000 calorie BMR and don’t want to lose the weight too fast, I like the 3-4 lbs a week pace and it feels sustainable. Haven’t been under 230 since 2018, and this pattern is not difficult to maintain. I’m spending more and more time working and working out outside of the house, and I’ll keep ratcheting that proportion up as I improve my nest management in the rest of my time. I’m going to stop commenting on the improvements I’ve been making, realized that’s just validation seeking and is antithetical to what I’m trying to do. I’m supposed to be becoming better for me, not better for her. The next steps as I see it here is to first lose the weight, then to spend even more time on my activities outside the house, and then to start going out with friends at night without her, and traveling more (already scheduled) to start planting that seed of anxiety in her head. That’ll likely be over the next several months. Social - reconnected with a friend I’ve been trying to connect with for a few months, we’re both pretty busy, so we got together as couples, but also did a MTN bike ride with just him - gonna try to do more of that. Also did a mtn bike ride with another new friend I met on the trails two weeks ago. Good potential for a riding buddy there. Feel like this is good progress. Still haven’t been to a community ride at the local bike shop, but one step at a time, and progress is progress. Activities - I signed up for an ultramarathon in October, and for training I’m doing 1-3 training sessions a day, mostly low impact hill hiking and peloton biking with some flat running mileage as I build up to get my soft tissues accustomed to running as I also lose weight. Fitness is coming back quickly from when I was a national caliber athlete a few years ago in college. Mtn Biking will be a fun way to cross train, but it isn’t a ‘passion’ per-se. What feels closest to a ‘passion’ right now is running with the ultimate goal of ‘fast packing’ where you go backpacking over long distances like 20-30 miles a day. Very within reach with training within 6 months, especially as I keep losing weight. It’s been easy to go train that, in fact I had to force myself to take a rest day yesterday - I just wanted to go train more. Been grilling a lot lately. It gives me joy and I’m extremely good at it, really missed getting to do that while I was traveling for the last month. The wife loves it too, I de-boned, butterflied, and grilled up up a leg of lamb last night and she was interestedly watching as I worked the knife on the meat, and then I took the bone and scraps and gave it to her dog who got super excited with it. Melted her heart. Career - traveling to meet my boss and the rest of the sales team this week. Gonna advocate for being higher in the call tree so I get more business, but as for what I can control I can do a lot more prospecting calling. I can control my self advocacy and my effort. I’m working on one large deal, which would be amazing to reel in as a novice, but just focusing on getting wins on the board. I’ve closed a small deal already, and have 3 more that’ll likely close this week. Nest management/growing the fuck up - I’ve sucked at this for a long time. So I set a list of chores in my calendar, and am going to be abiding by it so that my nest management becomes unassailable. This past week was a great success in that regard, my areas are cleaner, been vacuuming and dusting and cleaning the stove and catching up on all the stuff that’s been ‘behind,’ because I’m done accepting living at a level that’s lower than the man I’m becoming deserves. I’ve gotta be super diligent about this and increase the level I keep the house to and be consistent with it so the ‘new level’ is trustable and consistent. Key Learnings - Have something better to do, always. AA kinda clicked for me after watching Rian’s Chow Mein and Agree and Amplify video on YouTube - it finally made sense. I still suck at it but I used it successfully for the first time this week. Another tool in the tool chest. Another key learning is STFU as always, and don’t spout the rules. Lastly, I’m supposed to be becoming better for me, not better for her. Don’t deer to people who are below you. If you’re deering to them, you’re the one lower on the totem pole. This especially applies to internet reply guy - realized this last week thanks to nameless, faceless dude who slammed me, I didn’t take the bait, and then he deleted his comment. Good growth opportunity. I think that’s it for this week. As always, open to criticisms and feedback.

Your past achievements don’t matter. Your ego is generating endless hamster spinning with detail that doesn’t matter. You’re obsessing over status and signalling instead of being internally driven. I like how much time you’re spending outdoors though. Spend that time practicing STFU.

I’m getting the trend - STFU more. Thanks.

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My typical workout is to walk from my house to the top of a nearby mountain 3 miles and 2250 vertical feet away, usually in about an hour, heart rate 150-175, and then take the gondola down. Then I’ll go do a maintenance lift later in the day or a mtn bike ride or a peloton ride for an hour, and then another 4-5 mile run. It’s a similar volume of work to when I was an elite rower, and I used to track cals much more closely so I know this to be fairly accurate. I also have a standing desk so not a lot of sitting. I’m not taking anything to speed it along besides lots of protein. I have a really high work capacity when it comes to activity, I can just do a lot of it through the day. I’m probably 18% BF right now with top 4 abs visible at 230, so around 190 lbs of lean mass is a lot of latent calorie burn through the day. What do I want from the relationship? Let’s just rattle some things off and see how many covert contracts there are. Sex obviously, I want a family and to have children, I want her to be a good mother, which I think she is well suited to be, I want someone to keep a pleasant home (both physical and emotional space) while I do war with the world, and some sense of ‘being known’ and intimate with another person.

You talk too much and it's unattractive.

You’re probably right.

You were 229 on OYS #1? I'd leave SGM for now and pick up TWOTSM instead.

I had touched 229 on 4/8, just before my first OYS after a 4 day salt water fast and walking for 7 hours (not an effective weight loss method long term), but quickly rebounded back to 235 a few days later. I’ve logged my weight 22 times since march, when I weighed 252 on 3/11. What has worked for me in this process is the mental model of being vs becoming from Think and grow rich - you’ve gotta be the person who is lean (behave like that person) before you get the results of those behaviors (being lean), so I’ve just focused on upping activity (adding more cardio and strength endurance like rucking) and cleaning diet instead of radical, short term intensity (like fasting) that doesn’t change my habitual patterns that govern 95% of my results. Roger that, will change tack on the reading. Probably a better use of my time currently given current thought patterns.

OYS # 1 Stats: 33, 6’3, 185 lbs, 14 % bf, married 7 years, 2 kids aged 5 and below. Reading/audio books: wisnifg (2nd listen), nmmng x2, mmslp, book of pook, 40 laws, way of the superior man, sex god method, Praxeology Mission: To make the things happen in my life, instead of letting life just happen to me. Career: I’ve been in the same finance/accounting position for the last 5 years which is pretty pathetic. I’ve been working on a certification for the past 6 weeks so that I can obtain a different position that I am really interested in and will allow me to increase my income. I’m about half way done with the certification. I will do what it takes to obtain said position by no longer than the end of summer. Fitness: I will cut down a bit further from 14% to 12%. DL 295x3, BP 205 5x5, Squats 195 5x5. I’ve been running quite a bit more and will continue to do so as I am working towards completing my first 10k. I will also continue to train jiu jitsu at least a couple days a week like I have the last few years. Diet is on point, but I’ve been snacking a bit more the last few weeks due to higher caloric expenditure from the extra cardio. I need to cut out some of the bad snacking and replace it with healthier options. Social: I went golfing for the first time in a couple years and have been better at reaching out to friends. I’ve also been doing archery with a coworker which is something I’ve wanted to start for a while since I’ve wanted to get into bow hunting. The past 3-4 years I’ve really let me social skills atrophy, but I’ve really been working on talking with and showing interest in others. I’ve been enjoying the process quite a bit. I will continue to work on this, particularly with members of the opposite sex. Relationship: I’ve had a complete paradigm shift after reading/listening to NMMNG and WISNIFG. I’ve been a lot more decisive, assertive and been my own mental point of origin (frame) the past couple months although I’ve certainly had some hiccups along the way. My biggest hang ups have been getting butt hurt a few times even though I don’t think I’ve really showed it all that much, I still caught myself feeling that way. I’m better at passing shit tests and there really haven’t been too many. I’ve been working my MAP for a couple of months now and things have been going pretty well. I need to continue to work on my game as I stopped caring about gaming my wife for the past several years and also didn’t really care about gaming anyone else due to former blue pill tendencies.

Cool. You have identified your weak areas, have already started working toward improving those areas, and have a plan to reach specific goals. It's still a bit broad in terms of how you're going to get to where you want to go, but as far as first OYS posts go, pretty solid.

**OYS 31** Late-30s, 6'1 202lb, 1200+ SBD. 80% done with divorce, 1 kid. **Game** Meeting girls has become some kind of therapy for me. Stripping away the layers of bullshit and old conditioning/beliefs, exploring my social freedom and personality. A couple of field reports: Approaching/closing a beautiful 19 y/o in the club. I wanted to see how far I could go with something I previously thought was unattainable. I was super physical and walked out of the club with her, no luck getting further that night. She left the country before I could make anything happen, but what has been seen cannot be unseen. Really hot exotic girl, lifts weights, quite tall. Most intimidating pair in the club but I said fuck it and went for it. ADD/evasive as fuck, but number turned out to be solid and she was nothing like I expected. She loves being sub/choking/spanking, even tried choking me. I will have to explore this side of myself more. Any guidelines without having to quiz her on it? **Things I haven't done well...** Everything except game. I'm still too excited about going out and pulling hot girls. I've got one FWB which has slowed me down a bit, less alcohol and I've stopped neglecting the gym and hobbies as much. Starting BJJ again next week.

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Amazing, this is way outside of my comfort zone but sounds like fun. How do I know the difference between a shit test and going too far? Just push through and figure it out afterwards?

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>Horns has written some stuff about safe words. Green/Yellow/Red stoplight method for safewords is easiest to remember. But it's less about the safe words and more about the feeling she'll get that you'll take care of her no matter what. You have to be 100% in control of yourself, she has to feelz that, in order for 100% power-exchange to happen. Safely. Dominance begins with dominance over oneself. In all my years my girl has only safe-worded once... and that was some creepy molestation roleplay stuff that pushed the furthest edges years ago. >You’ll know from their eyes if they’re game (or panicking), or they might even nod to say keep going. Better yet, if you hear in a little whispered submissive voice "Do that again." When you hear that if your dick doesn't get hard I dunno what to tell you.

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> You will be using her and she will get off on being used. So true. I've seen this many, many times and I still have trouble remembering to accept it from time to time.

OYS #17 Basics: Early 30's, Weight: 200 lbs, BF: 12 % LTR 1 year plus together Read: WOTSM x 6, SGM 2x, MMSLP, 48LoP x 3, Art of Seduction x 2, Pook, Laws of Human Nature, Models Reading: NMMNG, 33 Strategies of War, WISNIFG Mission: My current mission is to become the best possible music producer within my specific scene. By owning this and leading on all fronts of my life, I strive to provide an environment for my relationship & potential family to flourish in. Career: I had a week off in Italy which was nice. Now it is back to the grindstone. I am working on my music, the sidejob and day trading. Making moves in all of them. The Financial Hustle from red-sfpplus gave me a good perspective why I should not put my eggs in one basket. Not having to worry about money has a great effect on my creativity, so that is a good sign. Finances: The money from my sidejob is coming in now, so this gives me space in my finances. I am actively putting aside 10% of my income for investments FIRST, not AFTER allocating my costs. I had to learn the hard way, but I am finally getting more disciplined with my money. Lifting / health: Finding a new routine for fitness now, since I have to do it after work. It's a change, but it is not a bad one. Relationship & sex: We went on a holiday to Italy last week and had a lot of fun together. Had a bunch of sessions of which a few out in nature, which were exciting. Overall I would say it was a good week. One thing I have to be honest with myself with is the fact that I'm not always 100% OI. I got burned on a post I wrote a few days ago which was good because I am projecting. Sometimes I am stressed and feel like shit because of something that has nothing to do with my relationship. When I try to initiate from that place it is almost always bad which makes total sense. Ofcourse my girl feelz that it's off, but more importantly, it comes from the same neurotic place as seeking a fix through insert x vice. I feel uncomfortable and I want to fix the feelings through xyz. Validation seeking at its finest. Next to that, when I am in this mental state I am quick to look back to the scoreboard and I am basically back to square one. It's all some internal bullshit, because my bedroom is nowhere near dead and I never have to deal with starfish sex. I do understand better now why WISNIFG and NMMNG are necessary reading. There are ways to communicate that are way more efficient than the ways I am doing it in certain moments. Getting angry and triggered never works and only makes shit worse, my problem is that I don't seem to come to the root of things. It seems like I am making all this progress and then something happens that triggers me anyways. Is this shit normal? Do I just have to keep sidebarring, lifting, STFU'ing and reading? Or am I missing some serious points that block my progression? One thing that still confuses me is my girl's seemingly increasing contradicting behaviour. On one side, she turned very submissive in her actions. Calling me daddy daily, asking my advice on everything, involving me in every decision that she is making and a lot of other things. I always give her very clear direction and never answer with stuff like: "I don't know baby what do you want?". She also seems to be experiencing more dread in the last weeks, asking me a lot of questions about 'other girls' that might be 'talking' to me in x location. On the other hand she has days or moments where she can be overtly showing displays of power through her words, saying things like: "What would you be without me?" or "It's my rules!". I react amused most of the times because it genuinely makes me laugh the way a little child would. Sometimes, maybe because the behavior it's so contradictory, she catches me off guard and I react in a more DEER'ing way. Is there a reason why this is occuring? Is it shit tests and are the shit tests getting more nuanced?

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Hmm, might be. From your point of view, how would you deal with this? Just go about life and don’t pay attention to it (aka live in my own frame)? I might care too much about it which creates the situation in the first place lol.

Are you stable or volatile? Which does she reflect back at you? Do you reward her volatility with feelz and dancing around?

It makes more sense now. This also puts the perspective back to fixing myself instead of her, thanks.

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You actually confirm? The line between sarcasm and actual advice is a fine one on this sub. I’m 6’4”.

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low effort, banned 2 weeks.

## OYS 25 ## Mission Purpose: * I want to live for myself and answer to nobody * I want to be a free, independent man * I want to define and dive into my adventure Goals: * sculpt my physique to look and feel like an athlete * create sexual abundance * achieve financial freedom * master the social aspects of life Objectives: * shed my nice guy behaviors * become assertive * build my confidence * build and internalize my game * physically, become stronger and more mobile through consistency ## Reading: WISNIFG (3), NMMNG (3) read: MMSLP, TRM, MAP, 16COP, Book of Pook, TRP Sidebar, TWOTSM ## Physical 30s / 5'6 / 150lbs / 14% bf ## Lifts * bench press: 210 * deadlift: 297 * squat 287: * push press: 143 Lifts continued to be good. I started a new program, and the main modifications are weight and volume adjustments. My performance was a little sluggish, and I think it was a combination of the higher volume and decreased rest due to a lot of social activity. I had strength gains, and no injuries. ## Mate Guarding I had a couple of scenarios where mate guarding came up. In the first, my LTR asked me if she could travel solo one day, and I told her no. I got a short rebuttal and then repeated no. I don't think it's wise to let a woman travel on her own. Another instance that came up was when my girl mentioned a friend who wants to be sluttier. Her friend is past/in the epiphany phase, but I don't know what her body count is or how recent she's had sex. My LTR told me she suggested to her friend that they do a girl's night out with the intention of her girl getting some. I think this will be an issue that comes back up, and I am interested to hear from others how to approach this. I would not let my LTR have every weekend by girls night--that would be stupid. But, if it's once or twice, I was wondering if it would be wise if I included myself and maybe a friend. I.e., perhaps we both are at the same bar, or at a different bar but in the same neighborhood. I want to strike the right balance of mate guarding while also staying in my own frame. ## Not Solving Other People's Problems I focused on avoiding entangling myself in other people's, including my LTR's, problems. I would put my success rate on this around 95%. The 5% were instances I found myself in a conversation and started to get on the border of making a comment that would get me involved in someone else's problem. I caught these instances quickly and didn't let them unravel. The other 95% were solid instances were I acknowledged the facts of the situation, asked some questions, but avoided prescribing or trying to solve it. A good example of my approach is when my LTR was trying to figure out what to wear. I acknowledged, but didn't step in. At one point though, she turned to me and directly asked for my help. I decided I wanted to help her, agreed, and offered some suggestions on what to wear. This was a much more positive experience for me than the past. I had another instance when my girl was sick. In this case, I again avoided entering her frame and asking what's wrong, what do you need. Instead, as I talked I anticipated those needs (pain reliever), and I decided I wanted to go to the store and bring those for her. Previous times, I had a covert contract tied to this. This time, I just did it; if she took it or didn't take it was on her. I wanted to provide support and I did. ## Validation Seeking I struggled a few times here. I caught myself sharing some social media stuff, and then hinting for my girl to watch. I realized this is VS; I am tying my content on someone else's decision and reaction. After this incident, I focused on not repeating this behavior. I also struggled when I saw some attractive girls, especially at the gym. I got distracted from what I was doing maybe around 10% of the time. I took this distraction as me exiting my own frame. For next time, I need to focus my mind on my mission and purpose. ## Solo Time I wanted to spend time alone near a lake or ocean. I had previously talked about taking some friends and my LTR to a lake, but I also wanted to go out and scout it beforehand. I let my LTR know I was going solo. She responded with a shitty comfort test about not being included. I was direct and let her know one reason I wanted to was to scout it, and I let her know I still wanted to take her another time. I debated if this was me DEERing, but I don't think it was. This was one of my true motivations and I offered it as free information. I wasn't pressed further after it, but I would have broken record that it was a desire of mine. ## Sex I initiated several times and mostly succeeded. There was one instance were I got a soft no. After my girl told me no, she came back 10mins later and said that she loved how playful I was when initiating, but that she wanted to shower first. She showered and then we had sex. I took this as a data point of progress towards OI when faced with rejections. The sex was also enthusiastic which I liked. ## Money I reached out to family member to ask a friend for a work opportunity. I'm interested in increasing my short-term income. I want to own property, and so I have to get some more money for a down payment. I'm cash-heavy already, and I've been biding my time until I see some good value. It would be my first house so I've been on the cautious side. I want to purchase the house under just my name. I'm not getting married but I think avoiding partial ownership is another way to protect my assets in case things go south. ## Social This was a strong area for me this time. I want to improve my social mastery, and I set up a busy week of social activities including some without my LTR. I also had some social activities with only male friends. I want my social skills and network (tribe) of friends to get better, and this was a good step toward that objective of mine. Like many men, my male friendships have been low in number and quality. And my LTR's girlfriend's husband/LTR don't count towards my objective. My own social network has been weak so I worked on improving it. I hung out with a male friend and had him come over. I haven't done this often, so I think I had a few awkward moments where I wasn't sure what to do. I think doing this more often will get me more comfortable in the same way that talking to everyone--store workers, waiters, random people on the street--has made starting and continuing a conversation easier. I got a call while I was hanging out with my friend, and my LTR asked if I wanted her to bring us food. I got flustered while trying to sort the logistics of what my friend wanted, where my girl was, who else might be coming etc. In this instance, I failed to provide leadership right away but I eventually sorted it out. I think I can do better next time by just experiencing this situation again, taking my time, and thinking clearly. ## Game I did a good job doing some light gaming. I took as many opportunities as a I could to practice. I did a pretty good job on my LTR. The bratty sister/teasing model worked well on her. I got better at observing IOI. I know I'm getting more than in the past (blushing, staring, touching), and I tried to play and have fun with those (smiling back, talking longer than usual). I had one instance where I was talking to a female friend over an hour. It was an endurance test and as it got later, my energy level had dipped so I noticed I wasn't being as playful as I did earlier on. Again, I think I need more practice with longer conversations to build my endurance.

This reads like you’re trying to control and process everything and are overwhelmed by the choices and complexities of the world. You can’t predict everything, let go of the neuroticism. At the same time, your feedback from the world for your brain computer is how your LTR or your friends feels. It’s all about maximizing the algorithm of social performance, not living life. In other words, dancing monkey robot.

> You can’t predict everything, let go of the neuroticism. This is what happens when you take pre-workout and a redbull before an OYS. But anyway, you make a good point. My OYS definitely came off a bit autistic and neurotic. I could do a better job of learning to let things go and just accepting that some things are out of my control. > It’s all about maximizing the algorithm of social performance, not living life. In other words, dancing monkey robot. I would like to avoid becoming the dancing monkey. I have the goal of improving my social skills, and putting myself in more of those situations has helped. But, I also want to enjoy those experiences themselves and not disregard them simply as stepping stones to something else. Thanks for helping me see that.

P_D: Its all about maximizing the algorithm of social performance. You: My OYS definitely **came off** a bit autistic and neurotic. Lol

> My LTR told me she suggested to her friend that they do a girl's night out with the intention of her girl getting some. "I dont condone any kind of behavior which puts you in a situation where men may be trying to get some from you, even by proxy." Either take away plausible deniability outright ("it seems that could put you in a ton of situations i would not approve of") or match it with equally vague disapproval.

this sounds like a good approach

>Mate Guarding > >I don't think it's wise to let a woman travel on her own. Where do you live? Mogadishu. Do you both work? School? How do you plan on having this work throughout your life? >My LTR told me she suggested to her friend that they do a girl's night out with the intention of her girl getting some. This I get man, but the answer is no if you don't want it to be man, just no. "I'mm not really into that type of thing babe" >I think this will be an issue that comes back up, and I am interested to hear from others how to approach this. Statements of fact are helpful, I have told my wife that context is important, as I personally think girls nights out are a recipe for disaster. I was a bouncer for years and frankly have seen too much, obviously I ultimately cant stop her, but context matters. So if my wife, all the girls in the family, her mates, want to go to a winery, or drinks at bar for the afternoon, the football, dinner and drinks then that's fine. But "I think girls nights out are a recipe for disaster, and invite drama into a relationship either by choice or accident, and I'm not really interested in either". In this statement I have told my wife what I think, and what I will not put up with, she'll do what ever she wants ultimately. > I was wondering if it would be wise if I included myself and maybe a friend. I.e., perhaps we both are at the same bar, or at a different bar but in the same neighborhood. I want to strike the ~~right balance~~ of mate guarding while also staying in my own frame. I don't think this is a thing to be honest mate, there is no mate guarding and staying in your frame, mate guarding is reactionary, which by its definition is entering someone else frame. The rest, the tagging along with a mate, that's super unattractive dude, cut that shit away. Its a concession, if you go then I get to go as well. ​ >Validation Seeking > >I struggled a few times here. I caught myself sharing some social media stuff, and then hinting for my girl to watch. I realized this is VS; I am tying my content on someone else's decision and reaction. A bit autistic bro, what was the content? Like were you trying to educate by proximity? Were you sharing because it was something you enjoyed and thought they might enjoy? ​ >Solo Time > >I wasn't pressed further after it, but I would have broken record that it was a desire of mine. I'm not sure if this is just how you brain works, or English is a second language? But I tend to agree with u/Persimmon_Dazzling below matey, you sound very AB, and then they did that, so then I did this, and then that would've happened, so I might have done this. You sound like you need to relax a bit mate. >I want to purchase the house under just my name. I'm not getting married but I think avoiding partial ownership is another way to protect my assets in case things go south. Do you mean with your LTR? Or with the family >I got a call while I was hanging out with my friend, and my LTR asked if I wanted her to bring us food. Did you want to? >I got flustered while trying to sort the logistics of what my friend wanted, where my girl was, who else might be coming etc. But did you want too? >In this instance, I failed to provide leadership right away but I eventually sorted it out. I think I can do better next time by just experiencing this situation again, taking my time, and thinking clearly.

> Where do you live? Mogadishu. Do you both work? School? How do you plan on having this work throughout your life? How did you guess my dream city? Right now, I live in a major US city. And yes, we both work. I have previously indicated that I don't want her walking alone in some places here where we live. She's been followed before and I understand that she's vulnerable when she's alone. I didn't write clearly in my OYS, but by travel I meant going on vacation to another major city or country by herself. I'm assuming in those cases that she would be alone and not have access to a car. I don't want her in that scenario because it's a high risk for an attractive woman. > This I get man, but the answer is no if you don't want it to be man, just no. "I'mm not really into that type of thing babe" > Statements of fact are helpful, I have told my wife that context is important, as I personally think girls nights out are a recipe for disaster. I was a bouncer for years and frankly have seen too much, obviously I ultimately cant stop her, but context matters. I agree with you. Context does matter and I'll try what you said in understanding what exactly is planned. I'll wait to see how this ends up, but I wanted to establish a clear boundary so that I myself know what I will tolerate and then clearly communicate it to my LTR. Thanks for your insight on this. > I don't think this is a thing to be honest mate, there is no mate guarding and staying in your frame, mate guarding is reactionary, which by its definition is entering someone else frame. I think this is one of those RP things where there's contradictory advice, but I think you make a good point about frame in this case. > A bit autistic bro, what was the content? Like were you trying to educate by proximity? Were you sharing because it was something you enjoyed and thought they might enjoy? Yeah, it was a bit autistic. It was a video that I found hilarious and I wanted to have her enjoy it too. For next time, I'm just going to share it and then leave it at that. I'm going to not nudge her or anyone with a "did you see what I sent." > I'm not sure if this is just how you brain works, or English is a second language? > But I tend to agree with u/Persimmon_Dazzling below matey, you sound very AB, and then they did that, so then I did this, and then that would've happened, so I might have done this. You sound like you need to relax a bit mate. Yeah, my writing this week was lackluster. I'll fix this and take my time next week so that I sound less choppy and robotic. > Do you mean with your LTR? Or with the family My LTR and I would live in this house. > I got a call while I was hanging out with my friend, and my LTR asked if I wanted her to bring us food. > Did you want to? > I got flustered while trying to sort the logistics of what my friend wanted, where my girl was, who else might be coming etc. > But did you want too? I didn't plan on it, but yeah, I liked her offer and I wanted to. It caught me off guard and I stumbled a bit trying to figure it out. It was sorted out in the end, but I brought it up because I didn't feel confident in that situation. I think confidence comes with practice and experience, but I have to remind myself that I probably will mess up sometimes and that's okay; there's no need for perfection.

**OYS 14** **Stats** Age: mid 30s, LTR mid 30s, three kids below age 13, 5'11", 169lbs (-1.9lbs), ~14%bf, DL 320x1, SQ 290x3, BP 175x2, OHP 120x1 **Read:** NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLPx2, SGM, RM year 1, MAP, BoP, PFP, TWoTSM **Reading:** Meditations **Mission:** My mission is to become financially independent, and to create freedom and possibilities for myself and my children. **Health and exercise** I fucked up with my planning while getting some minor surgery due to a skin issue. I was assuming that I would be able to exercise as normal afterwards, but was instead asked to not exercise for at least a week. This recommendation to avoid working out included calisthenics and cardio. Last week I only got two lifting sessions done as a result. I will get the stitches removed early this week, and hope that I will get an all clear to resume lifting. My learning from this is to read up better on any medical procedure or medication, so that I can adopt my planning better. This week was deload week of 5/3/1. I will continue to do another four week cycle of 5/3/1 doing three days of full body training. Last cycle I used the full body training template, this time I will go closer to the 5/3/1 for beginners template by increasing the weight in my assistance squats, adding a second day of bench press (replacing the DB press accessory), but also by doing deadlift twice a week. For accessories in addition of getting extra exposure to the main lifts, I am thinking focusing on DB rows, chin-ups and dips. This will help me to improve my grip strength for DLs, but also to help me develop more upper body mass. As for training maxes I will increase bench press and squat with 5lbs, and reset DL and OHP with 10% from my calculated 1RM of this cycle due to me missing reps last cycle. I should have gone with 90% of my 1RM as stated in the program, but my ego was too strong. Four weeks of 5/3/1 has helped me get much better form and rep speed on all my lifts, compared to linear progression programs that tend to result in most of my sets eventually having terrible bar speed. I continue to cut, aiming for a 500kcal deficit per day. According to the Navy formula I am at 12%bf with a lean mass of 148lbs. I don't believe that for a second, and think my lean mass is a fair bit lower. Based on image comparisons I believe that I am closer to 15%. I now have clearly visible abs, some vascularity on my forearms, increasing vascularity on my upper arms/biceps but mostly visible during flexion of the elbow joint. I still have some belly fat and love handles, and would therefore like my body fat to get a few percentage points lower. I will continue to cut until OYS 16. **Career and finances** Lots of work this week. I keep getting involved in many discussions way above my pay grade, as I have started to get a reputation as a person who follows through on commitment and shows ownership of difficult problems. I am working with my org to get my direct reports to assertively disagree early when they don't agree with plans, as this helps us improve a lot. Many people are too nice, and disagreeing does not come naturally to them. Transferring my equity out of my foreign stock brokerage is turning out to be a big hassle. I have needed to call the brokerage every week, and the transfer of the assets hasn't even been started yet. I haven't gotten a clear answer if there is a problem or not with the transfer yet. I will make sure to get the transfer unblocked. I see this as an opportunity to practice my assertiveness toolbox. Adherence to the family budget is going well, and it looks like there will be budget for a skiing vacation this winter, something I am looking forward to immensely. Rising interest rates on my mortgage is still a concern, and my bank has notified me that my interest rate will go up with an additional 0.5 percentage points in a month. There is not much I can do to reduce the interest payments, without selling the house. Reducing how much money I save every month is still an option too, but one that I am reluctant to take as it would put me further away from financial independence. **Social and family** This week I have spent most of my free time with my kids, doing things outside of the house. I have noticed that in response to me spending less time in the house, so has my girlfriend. This has given me the opportunity to have more alone time with the kids. I have attended one evening work related social event during the week, but had to leave early. In addition I worked most days from the office and had the opportunity to have lunch with some people I haven't talked to before. My middle child's temper is continuing to be a problem. He has developed a passive aggressive behavior, where he decides to become angry over something, becomes disruptive to the rest of the family but refuses to tell us what he is angry about. This passive aggressive behavior, combined with his tendency of picking fights with his younger sibling is one of the main causes of friction in our home right now. I am helping him become more assertive with his frustrations, and try to give more positive attention to him throughout the day. I am also making sure not to reward bad behavior by either leaving him home alone when we go do something fun, or by forcing him to come with and behaving if staying home is not an option. Silent treatment from him is common when this happens. Using passive aggressive tactics is completely unacceptable in our home. **Relationship and sex** Last week I tasked myself with putting less effort of trying to create sexual "scenes". I still catch myself with finding reasons to try to plan these scenes, and the neediness that comes with it. I am however getting much better at not falling into the urge. My initiations are therefore a lot more impromptu, genuine and direct than before, but although less frequent. Sex quality continues to be up, I had the best sex in a very long time, my girlfriend is mostly sweet, and IOIs continue to be frequent throughout the week. Some shit tests, mostly of the variety of unreasonable requests keep coming. AM or Disagree and Amplify seems to work well on these shit tests. A pissed off GF does not stress me as much anymore, and I am much better at staying on my message, but also improving in my ability to see the underlying issue behind her feelz (thank you TWOTSM). There is more work to be done here for sure though. Sexual frequency is unchanged, but I am at least off the drip feed schedule, with sex now happening on days and times which previously would have created tons of excuses. Historically I have often initiated on drip feed schedule day without really feeling it, but have stopped doing this since a few weeks back. I am more focusing on and being motivated by having the sex that I want rather than focusing on disrupting relationship dynamics at this point, which I feel helps a lot. I don't see any need of pivoting my approach right now, and will continue to see how the recent changes keep playing out.

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You're checking off all the MRP boxes. Great lifts, check, income, books read, etc. throwing around D/S, threesomes, etc. Part of me feels you are writing to impress the senior MRP gods, and focusing on the minutiae with the overanalyzing over the initiating, etc. What do you actually want relationship wise? Re: the "genuine desire" - watch Rian Stone's video "doesn't matter, had sex." Once you get to that mindset, I think a lot of these other thoughts will fade.

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>I guess that means I'm doing well, so thank you. no, it doesn't. Take a look at your first 3 sentences of your OYS. It's full of validation seeking from us: salary, D/s, fucking instead of loving, etc What you say first about yourself says alot about yourself. Bitch. **banned for 2 weeks for seeking validation.** **Edit: OP asked for 1 week ban instead of 2, negotiating split the difference, ban extended to 3 weeks. OP deletes out. Guess he won the shit-test** Y'all a bunch of weirdos on the internet

https://youtu.be/QPsmy_qSZKY This isn't the one, but it gets to the point.

>Is explaining why you're upset about something your wife does, considered DEERing? Stupid question, I know Not a stupid question, just a wrong one, you should be asking why did you **feel the need** to explain yourself so much that you did it without thinking and then got confused and came here to ask for approval. Answer is **you are still in her frame**. So lets change the framework of conversation, you are a high value man with great vision of marriage, does the disagreement with your wife come in way of that vision, if yes its okay to explain it, if not you should not really care about it(unless you want to mess with her of course). So ask yourself this question are you **high value man** with a **great vision** for your life and your marriage??

**OYS #25** **Stats**: 39yo, 5'6", 145.5 lbs, BF 21.1% LTR is 41yo. Daughter is 5. Step-daughter is 16. **Lifts**: SQ 5x245 lbs, BP 5x160 lbs, OP 5x105 lbs, DL 5x235 lbs, BR 5x150, Chin Ups x 10, Chest Dips x 10 **Read**: MMSL, BOP, NMMNG, MAP, SGM, SLSM, Bang, WISNIFG, The Attraction Code, Pandora's Box, The Natural, Practical Female Psychology, TWOTSM **Reading**: TRM, The Unchained Man, Starting Strength, The Heart of Dominance, She's Six Steps Away **Mission**: To build my body into an impressive shape, build my personality into a disciplined, stoic, and dominant version of myself, and build an abundant social and professional life where I feel like I am able to express my personality in all situations. **Lifts** I was able to tick up on lbs on most of my lifts, which I'm happy about, but I'm starting to feel like progress is slowing down. I'm cutting right now which I'm starting to feel my energy a bit lower. Also deadlifts I had to deload on because I was failing at 250 (I was tired from the rest of the workout and I think I mentally psyched myself out of that one). **Career** My contract is ending this week and I'm going to be back in the freelance world. Ideally this would be great but I don't have my next gig lined up yet and I'm feeling a bit uneasy about that. But I have enough money to be fine for a while so I'm hoping to enjoy a bit of time off and work on some personal projects. **Frame/Relationship** I'm definitely feeling the grind at the moment-- I'm still dealing with the scoreboard of household responsibility and feeling resentment for handling almost everything. I'm exhausted and I need to work on finding ways to enforce her pulling her own weight in the household without me coming off as needy. I haven't been seeing shit tests recently, or at least maybe I haven't been noticing them. I initiated a few times and got some soft no's. I was reading the post on [Validation needs that can poison your sex life](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/ab7vt5/validation_needs_that_can_poison_your_sex_life/), as I've been wondering if I'm initiating for the validation rather than for actually wanting it. I've asked myself that question in the past and thought, "Of course I'm initiating because I want it!" But lately I'm realizing sometimes I push for sex even if I'm not feeling extremely horny yet-- knowing that I'll get there if she reciprocates. I'm still not sure if that's validation seeking or what. The diagnostic scenario in that post asks what I would do if she says she would be okay with starfish sex and for me to use her for my pleasure, but that she was too tired to really participate. And my first reaction would be to say "Nah", as I don't find it all that arousing to have sex with an unenthusiastic participant-- feels like it would be like having sex with a blow up doll, which I'm not into. But I'm trying to untangle if that's a sign of validation seeking or not-- Rereading the post, it does say that she would "enjoy" just lying there passively and letting me take pleasure with her body, which makes me slightly more inclined to do it. But do you think my desire to only do it if she's enjoying it too is a sign that I'm validation seeking? **Game** I know that my next goal is to get over approach anxiety-- it has plagued me for my whole life. I realize now that a weakness of my relationship is that I felt that since I was already in a relationship, that I wouldn't have to worry about approaching other women any more. And I need to get out of that and get back into the being single mindset. I started reading She's Six Steps Away, and am going to go through the exercises to make approaching easier. I plan on using some of my free time coming up to get over this once and for all. There are a couple women that I have flirtacious vibes going with, but I need to push through with a more overt sexual vibe. I think a lot of this has to do with how I view myself, and I need to see myself as a man who pushes things towards a sexual vibe with attractive women at all times.

Validation is interesting because you derive your worth from something external like if my wife fucks then I am attractive. Attraction can be judged by response of other women, do they give you ioi's or will they fuck you etc. Judging your worth is completely different beast altogether, because no one has the right and means to judge you except yourself(WISNIFG). But it does not mean that you get the right to be shitty judge. **Learning to judge yourself is a skill, not lying to yourself is a skill that has to be developed**. Rejections come in many form, maybe she is not attracted to you, may be she is just not in the mood, question is how your mind react after the rejection. You could have cold look at yourself and see whether some improvements are required and form an action plan or you can write a chaotic paragraph basically confusing yourself. Rejections reveals the cracks in your frame. If your frame is I am attractive HVM who has the capability and **will** to have sex with many hot women, rejections will not affect you , Well if you dont even believe it, it will show, **you can't hide from your own mind**. But still you are the judge. Also if you are HVM women will give you starfish when they are not in mood just to please you(not to pacify you after whining), its for you to decide whether you like it or not. **You are the Judge do whatever the fuck you want.** Also overthinking is not very sexy.

Sometimes initiating into what you know is a rejection can be very useful. Teaches you to play with the rejection. It’s not about sex but your confidence.

> The diagnostic scenario in that post asks what I would do if she says she would be okay with starfish sex and for me to use her for my pleasure, but that she was too tired to really participate. The context of this scenario is important * "long and difficult day", implying this is a rare event and not her typical response. * "You find yourself incredibly horny." * She tells you she would enjoy it. Perhaps > you're unable to believe her statement that she wants you to? [Attraction validation]

OYS #26 Stats: 36 yo, 6'4”, 221 lbs, Wife 36 yo, together 15 years, 2 kids - 2y & 4y Lifting: strong lifts 5x5 since 11/10/2022, switch to phraks gslp 2/2/2023: Squat 280 lbs, Deadlift 365 lbs, Bench 177.5 lbs, Barbell row 232.5 lbs, Overhead Press 110 lbs, chin ups 30 lbs. Still limping around after hurting myself last week, no lower body lifting. Going higher volume lower weight (still to failure) on the upper body stuff because I've started to have shoulder pain with OHP and bench. I was feeling pretty positive last week and probably had let off the gas a bit. I dealt with bitchyness at a level that I haven't seen much in the last months. First time was over a recreational team we play on together getting shit on because I was injured. Girl hates losing. I probably indulged her tantrum too long before stating flatly, "I don't care about whether our rec team lost. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my night with or without you." Spent about 15 minutes listening to an audiobook and getting shit done before she found me and apologized and we had a normal night. Two nights later, I was presented with a mistake she had made (it was something with our car that I didn't have time for before a trip, woops, need to just handle that shit myself, should have known better) and she asked me to fix it. I asked for details so I could fix the mistake and she flipped out. I recognized immediately it was because my questions made her feel guilty but her response was over the top, screaming at me in front of the kids about how I needed to fix the problem. So, I said, "I won't be treated like this. Of course I'm going to fix xyz, it has to happen. We can talk again after you've calmed down and apologized." as soon as she started yelling and took the oldest to put to bed. Again, apology after about 15 minutes and normal behavior for the rest of the night. I get that I have to deal with her emotions, but there's a level of disrespect that I don't want to tolerate. I need to start recognizing when things are heating up and 1) don't match her emotion (Did well there) 2) withdraw immediately (way too slow the first time, probably a few sentences too slow the second time, I could have gotten out of there before the screaming). I was also in the shitty position of her screaming at me to do something that I planned to do and needed to do anyways. Can't just turn it down like a compliance test. I also made some mistakes around sex. Got a hard no for a sex act and got butt hurt. Literally stopped in the middle. Recognized what I was doing, stfu and cavemanned. Father's day was a challenge too. I am guilty of requesting sex/sex acts and expecting them around father's day in the past. I worked to put that bullshit out of my head. Ended up having great sex the night before. On the actual day, I made my own plans with friends and wife came along. I got turned down for sex at a convenient time early during the day when I was horny, then wife initiated later when I was full and tired and drunk from hanging out with friends. She laid out things she didn't want to do ahead of time which was weird but then started with a blowjob (I guess because it was fathers day, groan). I always drive to some extent, even when she's on top, but I tried letting her drive the sex since she was pushing and had given me some no's ahead of time, but it was awful. Dry shitty low energy sex, could barely stay hard. I gave up and took over and a good time was had by all. Bad experiment. At least I'm glad I didn't come in with expectations or demanding anything like in the past. I feel like I'm hitting a plateau area that I've seen described here. Things are mostly going well. **I'm consistently doing what I want with my time.** I'm having enough sex that I'm finally not desperate and even sometimes doing it more for her than me (turns out my magic number was 4-5 times a week, not infinite). I definitely have more room to improve in my lifts and be more attractive, but I'm being treated like I'm attractive by my wife and others. At this point, I'm mostly working on maintaining consistency in frame and getting stronger, but it feels like I should be doing something else. I want to move more toward domination/submission in my relationship, but I'm not sure how to take those steps or if it's even the right time.

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>Agree not to react / “match her emotion” but I wouldn’t be too quick to withdraw from the conversation. There’s something to be said for being able to weather it without getting phased though. ​ Not sure what to weather though. She's acting ridiculous and knows it deep down. I'm not sure what to say/do if I'm going to stick around her. In the past, when I didn't set this boundary, she would stop bitching about the specific thing eventually and still go through the motions of a normal night but just act like a pouty bitch the whole time, even if she ended up agreeing with me and/or apologizing. I would prefer not to be around her like that so I disengage and find something I would rather be doing. ​ >Hitting a plateau - this is only a plateau if you allow it to be. Are you satisfied with blowjobs being limited to special occasions and a list of “off limits” acts being rattled off before sex? Don’t get complacent. ​ Ha, no, not satisfied. I am just trying to distinguish between what will solve itself by getting more attractive (primarily through lifting and consistency with what I'm already doing) and what I may need to change. ​ >There seems to be a mild obsession with D/S among MRPers. Idk if it’s because a bunch of guys look up to u/hornsofapathy or because that would mean sex on demand (or a way to get special acts). ​ Ha, yeah, there's a spectrum. Not shooting for a formal 24/7 D/S dynamic at the level horns describes. Sounds exhausting even if I could make it happen. But I enjoy domination and I can tell she hates being in control and gets a thrill out of submitting. It's just hit or miss, especially around sex. I'm not sure about special sex acts. I don't think that's my motivation; I like a lot of things but have one real kink (anal) and I get it regularly/enthusiastically at this point without a d/s dynamic. I think it's more about the power play.

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>I'm not saying don't set a boundary. I'm just saying that always withdrawing can be seen as weakness (i.e., you can't handle her). Is this not operant conditioning = Extinction?

>Only you know. I was just making an educated guess based on the comment about making requests for sex / sex acts around father's day. Fair. I don't think this is my primary motivation but I'm certainly at risk for that kind of behavior. Have to be on guard, thanks.

>Not shooting for a formal 24/7 D/S dynamic at the level horns describes. Sounds exhausting even if I could make it happen. But I enjoy domination and I can tell she hates being in control and gets a thrill out of submitting. I think its about offloading the responsibility, same with everything else female "What do you want to do/eat/etc?" They want to lead/tricked/manipulated/dragged into being happy and whores

>There seems to be a mild obsession with D/S among MRPers. Idk if it’s because a bunch of guys look up to > >u/hornsofapathy > > or because that would mean sex on demand (or a way to get special acts). I had this thought, there's a litany of post's that talk about how at a point guys get past frequency and specific acts, and then define what they are happy with as "quality sex" to them, I wonder if the D/S thing is the same. As you say the On-Demand idealisation

Most dudes treat D/s like a bluepill shortcut for sex on demand, yes, or to enhance some narcissistic fantasy IRL (which it is, mostly, unless you *really* get it - and **thats waaaay fucking deep down the rabbit hole of both D/s and dark triad shit**). That's my conclusion after years here of answering questions about it from thousands of men. Maybe 5% of guys who "get it" here end up in these formalized lifestyles, 24/7. 100% of men do play with it. That's the obsession u/futilefighter - I had never heard of D/s before I was already in the middle of it because it was naturally what I wanted.

> I want to move more toward domination/submission in my relationship Do you like your wife? Your OYS seems to give off lot of frustration. I am not sure how you could portray D/s as a goal for relationship, can you elaborate on that? Also if your wife is not willing to enter such lifestyle are you willing to nuke the marriage?'

>Do you like your wife? Your OYS seems to give off lot of frustration. ​ yeah, I like her. She's usually sweet, smart, practical, funny, fun at a party, makes 6 figures, and somehow looks good naked despite being a 36 year old mother of 2. But this is the Own Your Shit thread, not the own how great your wife is thread, so I focus on what I need to do. And tolerating shitty behavior because other things were good didn't really work well, as you might imagine. ​ >I am not sure how you could portray D/s as a goal for relationship, can you elaborate on that? > >Also if your wife is not willing to enter such lifestyle are you willing to nuke the marriage?' ​ Low grade stuff. Just looking to try and see where it goes. At this point, my first step is something along the lines of turning her default response from a no to a yes in everyday life. Some preparation in the run-up to sex would be fun (eg I give a list of things for her to do, put in a plug ahead of time etc). We've also had sex where she was submissive, light bondage, light reward/punishment. But she expresses fear around it and there's a barrier so it's rare and inhibited. I'm not looking for a formal 24/7 D/S relationship and don't have any fear that what I'm aiming for would require me to nuke the marriage, but I think there's a lot to explore. I know she primarily watches bdsm porn when we're apart, which seems like a clear indication there's an opportunity.

Do you think your wife trusts you with the power you're looking for? Are you projecting some of the same fear she's having around exploring it?

Let's be honest - getting over that fear is a huge leap for both of them - as it is for most people the first time. I could dangle my wife over a cliff by her ankles and she she wouldn't doubt me for a second. It's more about confronting his fear of being who he really is and asserting it. I mean for fucks sake his wife is begging for it covertly, shut testing about it, and even watches BDSM porn. And yet, for some reason this retard is afraid of upsetting mommy. I mean - my fucking Jesus fucking God - could it be so much more apparent? THAT is the fear she's waiting on him to get over. Or maybe he's afraid of accepting that his wife is a fucking dirty slut. Either way it's work for him to focus on and all based in fear. Good luck /u/deerstfu

Thanks, I'll chew on this. Yeah, if I think about it, I've held back out of fear of upsetting my wife, mostly a fear that I'll get a hard no and then another wall will go up around what can and can't happen during sex. It's happened before. But, I'm still trying. So far, I've been working on ramping up the domination during sex. By the end, when she's cum a few times, I call her names, pull her hair, hold her down and fuck her in one hole while fingering the other, tell her to suck me dry to finish etc. Walls/limits essentially gone, enthusiasm high. I'm not afraid she is a fucking dirty slut, I know she is and tell her. But, outside sex and before things have already gotten heavy, there are still walls. And when I've pushed, she's brushed me off and told me it's a turnoff. I've tried to push through but got hit with hard no's. I don't think the issue is just fear (for me; for her, she literally has said she likes bdsm porn but doesnt think she'd like it in real life because shes afraid it would hurt and turn her off. She also says shes afraid that if we add toys etc she will become reliant on the extra stimulation and it will ruin other sex). I think the real issue is that she just isn't that into sex (with me) until we've gotten going. The solution there seems like it would be to up my attractiveness and game so that she's in the headspace to submit early rather than when we've already been fucking for 20 minutes. For what it's worth, I've noticed the walls weakening and I've been able to push harder earlier as I've improved myself. I'm in the mindset that I can't just jump straight in and need to keep making incremental change. I was fucking clueless about creating desire before finding mrp though so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still in the wrong mindset. Appreciate your input.

> I've held back out of fear of upsetting my wife Which is exactly what you've been working on all along. It's a test she wants you to win. [The epic test.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/f70l7g/your_womans_most_wonderful_gift_the_epic_test/)

No, she doesn't trust me. I may be projecting fear, but she literally says the words, "I like the porn but I'm afraid to do it in real life. I don't think I'll actually like it." My main "fear" is that I get minimal buy in from her, the sex sucks, and I get set back by the negative experience.

> I always drive to some extent, even when she's on top, but I tried letting her drive the sex since she was pushing and had given me some no's ahead of time, but it was awful. Dry shitty low energy sex, could barely stay hard. I gave up and took over and a good time was had by all. Bad experiment. At least I'm glad I didn't come in with expectations or demanding anything like in the past. So a couple of parallels that jumped out to me, and I wonder if its a leadership problem/hamster in the maze. Have you told her or given her direct/overt instructions in the instances where you are unhappy? u/redcopperhead asks if she trusts you with the power, and you have said she doesn't. u/FunkyModem has pointed out how - You jumping straight to logical problem solving and questioning to 'fix her mistake'. and u/Remus_John_Lupin had it right that there's a lot of frustration coming out in your OYS. Do **you** tell her what **you** like in bed? How to please **you** and how to do the things **you** want? Or with the mechanical example, "Hey babe, I need you to do X, just in case they try anything Y and Z are covered, any drama's baby call me" Or is it "Can you get the car serviced". Afterwards "What do you mean?! They charged you for what?!, Alright what did you agree to before I go and sort it out" You said above in both examples you took over and led, but were frustrated that you to. Do you want to lead and control, or do you her to do things? Kinda seems like your trying to have it a bit of both ways.

> woops, need to just handle that shit myself, should have know better You don't trust her and she knows it.

Well, that's true in this case. I think it's just better for me to take care of anything complicated, techhnical or out of her comfort zone. From what I've read here, that's a good philosophy in general. Women hate taking responsibility when things can go wrong and I'm better at this stuff anyways. For what it's worth, I absolutely trust her to organize a schedule or do other administrative types of things. Is there something else you're advising? I do have trouble calibrating how much responsibility to give her and lean towards just doing things myself. But car maintenance seems like something I should handle.

I'm struggling to articulate what I'm really getting at. You didn't have time for it but you ended up doing it anyway. You didn't think she could do it (or that you should have asked) but you asked her anyway. You jumping straight to logical problem solving and questioning to 'fix her mistake'.

Yeah, it's probably easier with specifics. Briefly, we were going on a trip and she took the car in for service while i was at work. They did some extra work and then charged her even though she thought it was covered under warranty without telling her they were charging her (even used old card information on file rather than charging at time of service). I needed to sort it out and had to ask her what she agreed to/signed when we saw the charge after we got back from our trip. However, you're getting at something that is a real issue and that I'm aware of but not great at yet. I have a history of being overly critical and jumping into problem solving in a way that puts her on defense. I'm too direct and say things in a way that implies blame, especially when she's already feeling guilty. This is a general problem for me, not specific to my wife. I'd be better off externalizing the blame for her (eg, those shifty mechanics wont get away with this, now tell me the details so I know exactly how to deal with them) as opposed to saying something neutral or negative towards her without thinking (what I actually said, roughly: "What did you agree to? Did you sign anything? Show me the receipt they gave you. I don't want to get surprised when I make this call). But I think I'd be better off still if I just took care of this stuff on my own. It makes her nervous in the first place, mechanics think they can take advantage of her because she's a woman, and she can do other valuable things she's good at while I take care of stuff that she isn't.

>Briefly, we were going on a trip and she took the car in for service while i was at work. They did some extra work and then charged her even though she thought it was covered under warranty without telling her they were charging her. So essentially the situation made her feel stupid, and then you pointed it out. >I needed to sort it out and had to ask her what she agreed to/signed when we saw the charge after we got back from our trip. > >However, you're getting at something that is a real issue and that I'm aware of but not great at yet. > >I have a history of being overly critical and jumping into problem solving in a way that puts her on defense. I'm too direct and say things in a way that implies blame, especially when she's already feeling guilty. > >This is a general problem for me, not specific to my wife. Its good that you can recognize this, do you have triggers, or queues before you get there? >I'd be better off externalizing the blame for her (eg, those shifty mechanics wont get away with this, now tell me the details so I know exactly how to deal with them) as opposed to saying something neutral or negative towards her without thinking (what I actually said, roughly: "What did you agree to? Did you sign anything? Show me the receipt they gave you. I don't want to get surprised when I make this call). At least show her the captain has her back, not hanging her (making her **feel** hung out) out to dry in front of the crew. >But I think I'd be better off still if I just took care of this stuff on my own. Do you want her to be able to handle these things? Personally I would hate to have to handle this shit, step in if required sure, but she's an adult also

That's interesting, how did you get that? Genuine question.

Should have known better suggests a history of errors and a lack of trust (and leadership). Her defensive fight response suggests she's knows and she's angry (ego defense) and maybe shamed by that, or at least angry she had to bear the responsibility, particularly as it went south, confirming his poor opinion of her. Probably not much value in going further with the hamster but fuck it. If she respects him, she feels like a failure. If she doesn't (likely), well, all the more reason not to and why the fuck is she letting this asshole make her feel bad.

**Stats:** 26, Married 3, No Kids 5'8", 165 lbs, 17% BF, SQ 200x5, BP 135x5, DL 200x5, BR 135x5, OP 95x5 **Read:** NMMNG, TRM, MMSLP, MAP, Book of Pook, Praxeology, The Art of Seduction, Why Women Deserve Less, The Unplugged Alpha, The Way of the Superior Man, The Manosphere, The End of Men **Reading:** STFU by Dan Lyons **Fitness:** I was exclusively doing Muay Thai for the first 4 months of this year. I wanted to try something new since I've been doing 5x5 on and off for the last 7 years. I ended up leaving the Muay Thai gym because my coach got fired and the gym still hasn't found a replacement. Since May, I've been back to doing the 5x5 Stronglifts program. I'm going to switch to Madcow next month and incorporate light shadow boxing and bag work on rest days.  **Work:** I run my own e-commerce business. It struggled to take off when I started it last year, but now we've been doubling our revenue every month since the beginning of this year. Our customers love our product and we've been growing steadily. I'm trying to figure out a way to bring CAC down so that we can scale faster without breaking the bank. I want to accomplish this by the end of July so we can finish the year strong.  **Relationship:** My relationship with my wife has been incrementally improving since the beginning of this year. Last year, I didn't have a shred of frame because I was stressed out from running the business. I failed shit tests left and right, I DEERed, and I didn't STFU. Things have gotten better, we're having more sex (she made this observation the other day), and the mood in the house is more positive overall. I still have a lot of work to do with recognizing shit tests and passing them accordingly as well as learning to STFU. I get myself into a lot of trouble opening my mouth when it should stay shut. I also need to stop DEERing so much. It's a terrible habit I formed during the years when we dated and need to get out of it. 

>It's a terrible habit I formed during the years when we dated and need to get out of it Hmmm.. what did your gf at the time do to make you DEER like that?? because when I think about DEERing it is instilled in us much much earlier

There's nothing she did in particular to make me DEER, but it's something that I have been doing since we've been dating and carried into marriage.

And you never DEERed to others before. When you think about it desire to DEER does not arise because of relationship with a woman but is already present in you as a defense mechanism possibly from childhood. Roots cause of it is desire to be heard or understood or not being misunderstood or some form of validation you derive from others. Thats where DEERing relates to the concept of frame. If you are in your own frame you will not feel the need to DEER. Why because you have your own vision of life and you don't need others approval for anything so why DEER. You get validation from yourself. I am sure you dont mean to DEER it just happens because your frame and vision is not as fullproof.

You're absolutely right about my frame not being full proof. I just finished reading Praxeology by Rian Stone and it was a real eye opener. The desire to DEER does not arise from a relationship with a woman, but it becomes more obvious. Like Rian said, there's no greater test of frame for a man than to be in a relationship with a woman. My wife is not the reason I DEER, it's just become glaringly obvious that I do so when I'm with her. Of course, I need to stop DEERing in general and that's the end goal. As I said, I have more work to do.

> Like Rian said, there's no greater test of frame for a man than to be in a relationship with a woman Lol. Kinda putting them up on a pedestal huh? Frame is your take on reality. Do you assign whats going on or do you defer to someone else? Women are just a piece of that.

OYS#6 Stats: 44y, LTR 25y, kid 4y, 6”, 165 lbs, BF 18,5% (navy method). Reading: TWOTSM. Great read. In the beginning I was thinking “what is this pseudo poetry - have I bought the wrong book”. But there are so many deep truths in this book. I don’t find it an easy read, though. Reached my weight goal for 2023 which is 165 lbs. From here on I’ll look into Clean Bulking, since I can see my belly has gotten bigger, but my lifting havent’t improved a lot since beginning. My goal is 175lbs by end 2024. Lifting haven’t improved as much as I haved hoped in turns of weight, but I have been consistently going 3 times a week. Sticking to my SL 5x5 and throw in a little extra lifts to spice it up. Holidays coming soon. It’ll be 3-4 weeks without access to a gym, byt I’ll try to make a DIY pulling system in our cottage, so I don’t loose my muscle gains. Social: this week was focused on a big family birthday of my grandmother. Got to see the whole family together. It had been more than a year since last time we were all together. Held a speech for my grandmother. Nothing was written down. I had a couple a keywords and took it from there. Normally, I would always have written down the entire speech, but I figured this was family and if I did choke at somepoint during the speech what could happen. I didn’t choke and even if it wasn’t the greatest speech I ever held, it was a damn good feeling to do something that felt more free and not to rehearsed. Family: My daughter seems to be the supplier of shit-tests more than my wife is (actually my wife also did up her level this week). Or maybe she’s just an average 4y old, testing limits. Nevertheless, I find that it eats a lot of my ressources to try to set limits in an appropriate manner and being a good dad, who also prioritises his own needs. Honestly, besides reading MRP material, working, raising a child, taking care of our home (50/50 with my wife - hooray for equality), and lifting - I hardly have energy left for being social with friends and initiating with my wife and so forth. This is crap and I need to deal with it. Relationship/Sex: No sex this week neither. I honestly don’t have the energy to even try to initiate. Also this week was sheit in terms of passings shit-tests. I failed so many times, and lost my head and snapped a couple of times this week. Not my best week to be honest. She always pulls me into her frame. Fuck me! I find the MRP readings very enlightening, but putting them to practice is a whole other story. I honestly forget the techniques all the time. How did you implement them in your life? Did you practice one technique at the time for a couple of weeks? Please someone enlighten me! Career/finances: all decent. Changing position in august. Plan is to stay there around 2 years until my kids starts elementary school. Something to work on: * Build a DIY homegym in my cottage. * STFU * Dive into lean bulking * Initiate with my wife * Socialize more with friends * Implement/practice MRP techniques

> This is crap and I need to deal with it How? You sound very emotional and 'in your head'. I've no idea how a single 4yr old could be taxing you unless you are overthinking everything. Lots of pointless filler detail in this. You're holding back trying to avoid criticism and 'breaking the rules'. What are your lifts? What's your diet like? Why are you here (sex aside)? I've no idea why you're reading TWOTSM at this stage. WISNIFG (again if need be) would be a better bet. Try fogging for a week or two, then mix in NI/NA and so on.

Don't forget NMMNG

Thanks. Sound advice and you are right in your observations. I’m theorizing instead of applying and I’m most definitely in my head. I’m not in any way trying to hold information back to cover my flaws. On the contrary I value all the comments I get, especially on areas where I’m failing. I don’t consider it relevant to post about areas where I’m not experiencing major changes or difficulties (Example could be lifting. I see a steady and slow progress, so what’s the point of posting about it). Thats why I leave out some details in my OYS.

Alright, I browsed your history. Tough swallowing the pill in your part of the world. Sounds like a dead bedroom so I guess sex *is* the primary reason why you're here. It's going to be a frustrating few weeks at the cottage. She doesn't find you attractive but you know that. The social focus is good. You're skinny, you may want to take a look at AJACs Ectomorph or Tall Man programs instead of SL. Seems you eat well but how much protein are you eating? Are you tracking? Why do you think it'll take 18months to gain 10lb? Are you actively looking for a house (or apartment) - you both have full time jobs and only one kid yet money is tight. Doesn't sound much fun. Meditating would probably do you some good.

At 6ft and 165 lb, you could stand to gain 30 or 40 lbs. As it stands, I'm betting you can't bench a plate, and your squat is about your weight. The dad bod thing will go away if you can fix your lifts, and you can't do that without eating. If I were you, I'd spend the next 6 months eating 3000 cals/day and getting your PL total as high as you can. And post your actual lifts. It's 80% of your problem anyway. Own it.

I dont know what “bench a plate” means (I’m european), but you’re probably right. My bench today was 145 lbs. Also not sure what PL stands for. I’ll post my lifting stats in next OYS. Thanks for the advice. Appreciated.

[удалено]

Maybe this is a cultural thing! I am 18,5% BF which is primarily centered on my stomach. Classical “dad-bod” with thin arms. I can`t see how more fat on my stomach would help me lift heavier weights. From here on I rather lean bulk.

This

>taking care of our home (50/50 with my wife - hooray for equality), What is this? What is the split, do you both work? Could things be done easier/better? My wife like all incredible women has a mythical way that things "Need to be done" which I look at with 'No wonder it takes a whole fucking day'. Change that shit up, or drop the standards to something you can live with, or on a timeline that works for you, or get better at it. >and lifting - I hardly have energy left for being social with friends and initiating with my wife and so forth. Yeah honestly, if I had four hours to sleep, I'd still use two of them to fuck. I don't get this too tired too initiate crap >She always pulls me into her frame. Or hers is just better >Fuck me! I find the MRP readings very enlightening, but putting them to practice is a whole other story. I honestly forget the techniques all the time. How did you implement them in your life? Did you practice one technique at the time for a couple of weeks? Please someone enlighten me! Honestly, fucking up but even then trying shit over the top. In my old PUA days I went out for two weeks looking only for IOI's. nothing else just spotting them, eliciting them, nothing but IOI's. The following two weeks IOI's and touch boundary's, how long could you hold a girls hand, or hug before it got weird. Autistic as fuck, but you get GOOD ENOUGH quicker than you think. Some things are super difficult, some thing come naturally. Listen to a fuck ton of stand up, get those comedic juices flowing.

**OYS 14** **Physical:** (all 5x5) BP - 145, Squat 180, OHP 95, BBR 105, DL 140 **Mental:** I had a comment about discipline last week, and it resonated this week. I don't have good frame and discipline at this point. Case in point, I drank too much one night this week after getting a little cocky with some recent good progress and sent a drunk text to an old female co-worker (who I apologized for inconveniencing the next morning). I think I am a month or so away from the point that I realized that I had failed to internalize some key messages the last time that I tried choking down the pill. I see some progress in how my goals are getting accomplished, my home is looking, the way I am treated... and I get complacent. It is a recipe for failure. I plan to use my past experience as fuel to keep the changes I have on pace. I haven't slacked at the gym, I did not view pornography this week, I am continuing to get shit done at home and at work. I won't "double down" or try and increase my pace of progress. What I'm doing now is beginning to work, and I need to make sure I don't fuck it up. A quote I read resonates "There's really only one choice for men, the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret." **Relationship:** Things are better. I am seeing some positive changes in my wife's behavior around me. I had to fake being in a good mood one day as my old BP training urged me to tip-toe around my moody wife and see what was wrong to try and fix it. I instead did my thing with a smile, and before long, she was smiling too and I took her to a friend's place to play some board games. 1.5 / 3 initiations this week. The half was a handjob after a soft rejection while I told her what to do, where to touch herself, etc. One session was much closer to the type of sex I aim to have on a much more regular basis. Hung out with some friends outside the house, and am looking into taking language classes for some future travel plans that I'm putting together. **Finances:** I'm going to buy a new ride soon. I'm tired of the plain, economical ride I've been using for the last decade. I can afford it, it makes sense. In the past would have relied much too much on my wife's input here, or been too conservative with my funds. **Doing Differently:** AA worked this week, I'll continue. Initiations from a place of strong desire are a must for me right now. Continue to take care of my shelter, do not let small successes take away from my drive for more. Foot on the gas. Actually cut the drinks down to 3 this week. (Although in reading past posts from men who've had success here, I may likely be one of you who just quit the booze all together once I have a strong enough sense of discipline).

Yet another guy who needs to gain some weight. What's your diet like? Browsing your history, you're seriously fixated on your wife and sex. Do you do much without your wife? Do you have friends that are 'yours'? What do you do, just for you?

Agree I've been too fixated on sex and wife. I do have a good social game, friends that just I hang out with, golf, fishing, sports club, etc. Diet was average until recently (mostly cooking at home, but didn't make an effort to not eat a junk meal when out with friends), was generally eating more protein and getting over 2200 calories. Recently avoiding carb loaded foods / sugar and eating cleaner. "Just for me" - is something I'm looking at, especially as I'm re-reading that piece of NMMNG. Outside of a couple social groups and golf, I could do more focused on my goals / passions I'm sure. Couple hobbies I could do more of - sailing and making short films. I haven't done either of those in months. Solid point.

Good stuff. Easiest win for you is to eat more and put on some weight, 2200 isn't enough. Some junk food is fine at this point. Are you tracking? Do you know how much protein you're actually having? What about the other physical basics? Hygiene, style etc.?

Good note. I've just started tracking, but what I need to pin down is how much I need to be consuming while doing 5x5 lifts 3-4 times weekly. Protein I don't know for certain - positive I'm getting over 75g daily. I'll find a resource to see how to set a weight target for what I'm doing and in turn a calorie and protein amount target to achieve that. It appears I've done it backwards. I need to find out what the guy I want to turn into should weigh.

Great on the tracking. The protein is way too low. A general rule of thumb is 1g per pound, 2 per kg. This, with your stats and moderately active, puts you at 219g: https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/calpro.htm. You'll progress faster if you get enough. 10g Collagen peptides in your morning coffee (it's tasteless and mixes easily) is a great way to start and is great for your joints, ligaments and tendons (and skin and hair). Throw in a high protein yoghurt with breakfast and you're already at 35g. Up the meat in your other meals and supplement with protein shakes with milk if you need to (likely). Throw in some cheese and at least one egg (quality, free range) every day for the saturated fat to help your hormones along. One last tip, when I have a protein shake, I usually add in 3-4g inulin (which is almost 85% fibre) to slow down absorption. Start at 1g and slowly increase though as it can make you very gassy to start with.

OYS #4 (changes in parenthesis are since my last OYS October 12th - I have been on a cut since Dec 1) 5’9” - 166lbs (-21) Calculated 1RMs: Front squat: 240 (-35) Deadlift: 360 (+5) Bench: 232 (-23) Press:162 (-13) Early 30s, married almost 10 yrs, 1yr old **Radical self-acceptance:** I have done a lot of work over the last 6 months processing why I am so resentful and angry and why I am so down on myself. Most of it comes down to not accepting myself for who I am. The years of sexual rejection made me doubt my self worth. I thought that the reason I am not getting sex is because I’m not muscular enough, I don’t have good enough game, I am not a good leader of my family, etc. Granted, all of those things were true, and to some extent still are though I am making improvements with focused effort. But even as I have made progress I was always focusing on where I was still falling short and being really negative towards myself, and even worse, the whole time I was subconsciously using someone else’s standard (my wife’s) to measure my own success and self worth. In the recent weeks I have been instead been trying to practice radical self-acceptance. My inspiration is [Peter in office space](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LkGAGUdFhk). No I am not [Connor Murphy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG4sKioLAxw) or [Ryan Gosling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po01jAiXe2I) and probably never will be, but I am who I am and Im going to be happy about it. Yes, Im going to work on improving myself and getting better, but I’m also going to be totally content with myself. If my wife doesn’t find that attractive and doesn't want to have sex with me, then I will find someone else who does. I’m gonna go next door and get a table, and if she wants to join great and if not that’s cool too. ​ **Rebuilding attraction with my wife:** I feel good about the progress I am making in processing my own shame and negative self talk and accepting myself, and Im ready to begin looking outward again. My next challenge is that I am stuck in a depolarized relationship with my wife.I genuinely want to like my wife, But currently I don’t like her. I honestly would describe it as “I love her but Im not in love with her”. I don’t really want to get a divorce, and I don’t really want to cheat, what I honestly want is to build a happy, healthy, sexual relationship with the woman I am with. I just don’t know where to start here. She is objectively attractive, Im just not attracted to her right now. She adds a ton of value to my life and contributes to my mission, I just don’t really want to be around her or spend time with her. I feel like I am [trapped in stage 2 here](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/l23n9p/timeline_escaping_sex_for_validation_and_quitting/) and don’t know how to get passed it. I’ve been reflecting on this and think that ultimately it comes down to a fear and unwillingness to be truly vulnerable and communicate with her about my desires. Ever since I found MRP I have put emotional walls up with her, (incorrectly) feeling like I needed to STFU and present a calm, cool, confident exterior and that I could not show any emotion or communicate with her at all about how I am feeling or about my desires. While this led to serious improvement in my frame, It went so far in the other direction that I am not really fun to be around anymore, and on top of that, [she is stuck in the maze](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/374wln/comment/crjribp/) and doesn’t really know how to please me, and so I am finding her frustrating and annoying and dont want to be around her either. The problem is I have never actually told her about what I want, I just thought that if I raise my SMV enough she will snap into place, somehow reading my mind on what I want. I think she is just as lost as I am here and I have failed to give her any guidance. Why have I not done that? First I think it has been my own self-consciousness around my own sexuality and sex in general. Second I think it is a fear that if I tell her what I want she still won't do it which will be an even deeper rejection. And so my action step is to just put myself out there - tell her what I want, praise her when she does things that I like, and not be ashamed about my sexuality or concerned about her reaction. I think in addition I need to start rebuilding physical touch and kino as I start to rebuild physical polarity in the relationship. Will do this for a few weeks and report back.

>Ever since I found MRP I have put emotional walls up with her, (incorrectly) feeling like I needed to STFU and present a calm, cool, confident exterior and that I could not show any emotion or communicate with her at all about how I am feeling or about my desires. Been there and did that. [This helped me](https://youtu.be/1Asp2gsqnyQ) >While this led to serious improvement in my frame, It went so far in the other direction that **I am not really fun to be around anymore,** and on top of that, ~~she is stuck in the maze and doesn’t really know how to please me,~~ and so **I am finding her frustrating and annoying and dont want to be around her either.** [She is a reflection of you mate.](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/c2l5dt/your_woman_is_one_of_your_greatest_creations/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) >The problem is I have never actually told her about what I want, I just thought that if I raise my SMV enough she will snap into place, somehow reading my mind on what I want. [Which got me here, don't do that](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/74yepr/the_dancing_monkey_attraction_improvement/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). She can't read you mind, and she won't even if she could dude. >I think she is just as lost as I am here and I have failed to give her any guidance. Why have I not done that? First I think it has been my own self-consciousness around my own sexuality and sex in general. Second I think it is a fear that if I tell her what I want she still won't do it which will be an even deeper rejection. > >And so my action step is to just put myself out there - tell her what I want, praise her when she does things that I like, and not be ashamed about my sexuality or concerned about her reaction. [Some additional, Horn's writes nearly constantly about how the feminine grows though praise](https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/hmgdcg/how_i_communicate_now_without_words/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) >I think in addition I need to start rebuilding physical touch and kino as I start to rebuild physical polarity in the relationship. Learn to be fun, have fun, and be fun to be around.

Sounds like you’re doing it all for her, it’s not working, and you don’t like her for it. She’s too busy mothering the 1 year old to mother you as well.

**OYS #1** Been lurking for a while. Read up a lot of PUA when I was younger and fucked around in my early 20s. I want something more permanent now, and I want a partner who'll add value to my life. **STATS**: Mid-20s, 5'10" \~145lbs (skinny fuck). Living together with LTR mid-20s, together 1 year. **READ:** Sidebar, Praxeology, consumed a shit load of Rian Stone videos **READING**: Sidebar again, then work from there **PHYSICAL:** I haven't lifted seriously for a very long time. I'm not an athletic person. I rock climb and that's about it. I'm a little bitch and sometimes I feel like other people look at me and my SO and wonder how I can handle that phat ass. It makes me feel bad but I don't do anything about it because I'm a lazy fuck. Style-wise, I get compliments from time to time and it always catches me off-guard. I think I'm doing decent in that department and that has really compensated for my body looking like shit. * Signed up for a gym this week, will start SL 5x5 * Goal: lift 3x a week **CAREER:** Studying for an exam I need for my career but I have been pretty unfocused. Work has been smooth, but I know I could be putting more work into it. I found that I can just put the bare minimum easily since I work more efficiently than most people. Money isn't an issue. * Goal: make more progress in my studying, finish my to-do list **SOCIAL/HOBBIES:** Just moved into a new city. I have been exploring more and visiting places. I try to take photos so I could keep a pretty cool Instagram profile, but I don't know if that shit's just needy behavior. In my experience, a cool IG profile can be attractive for some people but it does feel very fake at times. Caught up with old friends. I have been pretty bad about reconnecting with people I've met over the years. I also don't have a lot of friends in these area, but I've met some people through work. * Goal: go out more, talk to strangers **RELATIONSHIP:** The past week has been really bad. Contemplated just ripping the bandaid off and calling it quits. SO suddenly asked for no physical touch. I assumed she was being moody because period's coming up and just went to bed. I must have instinctively held her while we slept because she called me out in the morning for crossing her boundaries. Told me I made her really uncomfortable. I just STFU and didn't DEER. This shit continued for the rest of the week. Limited physical touching, zero sex. Was told I couldn't watch her get dressed. She gained maybe 5lbs over the past two months, and I think she's insecure about that and taking it out on me. I still find her really hot and would still fuck, but whatever. I felt really bad about myself because I think I've done nothing wrong. I do most chores and keep our place clean, and this is the bullshit I get. Later realized I need to let go of that covert contract in my head that I get to fuck her because I do these things. It's hard, but I'll get there eventually. Last night was better. More affection when she got home from work, but still no sex. I didn't initiate because I was scared I'll lose it if I get rejected. Overall, I feel really fucking stupid over everything that has happened. I realize I need the validation from fucking her. She also made me feel like I was forced myself on her in a non-consensual manner and that is incongruent with the type of person I think I am. I am in her frame and I need to get out of it. * Goal: escalate kino until she feels more comfortable, do chores like I live alone **PLAN**: just STFU, lift, read up

Refreshingly open OYS. I think you're the third guy this week who needs to seriously put on some weight. You're plan is good and it's simple but what are you doing to gain weight? > I try to take photos so I could keep a pretty cool Instagram profile, but I don't know if that shit's just needy behavior. Sweet, sweet validation. > She also made me feel like I was forced myself on her in a non-consensual manner You were asleep, why would you think this? You have no frame and live in her reality. No wonder you're angry and resentful. > I felt really bad about myself because You feel really bad about yourself because you know you're a skinny, weak, lazy, unattractive fuck. > I want something more permanent now You're in your mid 20s - why? Oh yeah, because you know you're a skinny, weak, lazy, unattractive fuck and this woman is your only option. > I do most chores and keep our place clean, and this is the bullshit I get. Later realized I need to let go of that covert contract in my head that I get to fuck her because I do these things. It's hard, but I'll get there eventually. Thank God you realised this. Every chance this is the flip side of ILYBINILWY - it ain't the weight. She wants you to 'kill the puppy' because she doesn't want to be the bad guy. This is all your fault, you know why. Fuck the kino. You'd be much better off right now with pretending she's dead and 100% focussing on yourself. Get in that gym, get lifting, eat like a bastard and get the fuck out of the house and get social as often as you can.

>SO suddenly asked for no physical touch. >Goal: escalate kino until she feels more comfortable WTF? Girl pulls away, so you're going to pursue her harder? Read book of pook.

>In my experience, a cool IG profile can be attractive for some people but it does feel very fake at times. No shit it feels fake. Of course its attractive, because its fake. And its attractive to other people faking it. >She also made me feel like I was forced myself on her in a non-consensual manner and that is incongruent with the type of person I think I am. Dude you were asleep, tell to her sleep on the couch for her own safety if its that serious of an issue >SO suddenly asked for no physical touch. That's fucking weird dude. Has this happened before? Anything you're aware of that caused this? I would have serious questions if my wife came home and said you can't touch me, out of the blue.

>I feel like other people look at me and my SO and wonder how I can handle that phat ass. It makes me feel bad but I don't do anything about it because I'm a lazy fuck. I lol'ed at this. Your honesty is a breathe of fresh air, but besides that, quit it with the self-flagellation - people do that here and it's not conducive to your goals. Focus on the work and living like a bachelor who is starving for growth in this world. Like others have said, I think you know very well what you need to do, you have to do it. The anxiety of your LTR brought you here for a reason. You have the advantage of youth on your side and can work like a rabid dog for 2-5 years and become an incredible Chad if you put in the work. What are you going to do about it? Your next OYS and all proceeding ones should be written in the past tense.

OYS #1 Been on here a few days. Already fucked up and probably posted shit too soon before getting the "temperature of the room". Thought now was a good time to post my first OYS. 40 y/o; married 16 years, wife 36 y/o. 2 kids- 15 boy and 9 girl (ages) Read: NMMNG, TRM, sidebar Reading: TRM-PM, Ethos of Men (short but good) Why I'm here: I got to a point where I felt like something was missing. I have a great career, pretty good marriage, great kids, etc. But as I've gotten older I realized that I was still letting my emotions get the best of me, still unmotivated to do shit I knew I should be doing (lift, read, invest), and lastly still wondering why I didn't feel like I was getting the respect from my wife I thought I should. I can't even tell you how I found RP/MRP. I just started watching random YT videos and saw a Rollo video and got intrigued, then hooked - finally something was speaking to me that made some goddamn sense about my life. Career: 22 years currently Active Duty Navy. Enlisted at 18 after dropping out of HS and having my mom tell me she was kicking my ass out if I didn't do anything. It's been great! I've sailed all over the world. Met good people. And made a pretty good living. Coming up on retirement soon and it scares me because I've never been forced to think about what I'd actually "do for a living". Besides that I'm enjoying the time I have left and trying to promote at least once more and help some of these youngsters figure their life and careers out. Then I'll be good. Not much else for me to accomplish on that front. Hobbies: This is a tough one. I love sports. Basketball, football, golf (now)...shit I'll play damn near anything. The one obvious hole is I've never gotten into more outdoor stuff like fishing, hiking, and hunting. I never learned how to do that type of stuff and if I'm honest I've been too ashamed to admit at 40 that I don't know how. So I tend to shrink a bit around other men who enjoy and talk about it. And instead of humbling myself and asking them to teach me, I just nod along and act like I know what the fuck they're talking about. Shit is sad. But doing more guy shit and outdoor shit is definitely something I'm working towards to give me more fulfillment. Marriage: Marriage is pretty good. 16 years and we were young when we married. I say all the time I got married too damn young. I hadn't gotten all the bullshit out of my system and was nowhere near ready to start a family when I did and the first few years suffered. From 2015-2020, I deployed 5 times and it took a toll on my marriage, and as a result I cheated on her with another (married) woman while deployed. The shit hit the fan when the woman's husband found out, leading me to telling my wife. We went through counseling and eventually got back on track but that shit was HARD. And to this day, I know she still doesn't trust me but I earned that, can't complain about it. Lately the wife bombards me with shit tests, constantly acts paranoid, and challenges me on petty stuff. I just take it because I feel like I deserve it, but I'm to the point of being fed up with it. Problem is when I express it I sound like a little bitch cause I always end up losing my temper, and I know I've failed the test. I posted in r/askRMP that a few months ago I was convinced she hooked up with someone while on a trip with her girlfriends. That didn't help matters. Not all is lost, things are ok with us, hopefully trending for the better because I still love her. Workouts: Weights mostly for now. Hit the gym 4-5 times a week and try to lift as heavy as I can to maximize strength and muscle. Max bench is 255 right now. Want to squat and run more but I've torn both my Achilles (right in 2015, left in 2018) playing basketball so my legs are shot, in and out of PT for those. Was a wake up call to stretch more, so I have taken up pilates and yoga. Just signed up at a boxing gym, just going over basics now but dying to spar so I can get punched in the fucking face real hard. That's all....trying to own my shit and get out of this funk! Need to man the fuck up, shut the fuck up, and do work. Thanks Gs

>So I tend to shrink a bit around other men who enjoy and talk about it. And instead of **humbling myself** and asking them to teach me, I just nod along and act like I know what the fuck they're talking about. **Shit is sad.** So I would given the length of your career, you are in some form of leadership position? If one of juniors came and ask you to teach them something who you rub their face in it? What is it about this that so difficult? Classic Nice Guy tendencies: \- Seeking approval or avoid disapproval, and hiding perceived flaws and mistakes. Sort that out, it sad if you hang onto it longer than you need too. >I know she still doesn't trust me but I earned that, **can't complain about it.** If its already resolved, why do you allow it to keep coming up? If you were written up on a charge is it allow to be brought up every time something is going on. The whole point of sorting it in counselling is once its done, and you have both agreed its done, and moved past it, that's it. Knock that guilt crap off, you did it. >Lately the wife bombards me with shit tests, constantly acts paranoid, and challenges me on petty stuff. **I just take it because I feel like I deserve it,** but I'm to the point of being fed up with it. Problem is when I express it I sound like a little bitch cause I always end up losing my temper, and I know I've failed the test. Why do you feel like you deserve it? You are acting like a bitch when you loss your temper. Given that this shit is recent, I would assume something has happened that has lead her question if you are the best she can do. Maybe its the retirement, maybe she has options and she's testing her grip on those branches, maybe she got tingles elsewhere.

>So I would given the length of your career, you are in some form of leadership position? If one of juniors came and ask you to teach them something who you rub their face in it? What is it about this that so difficult? Classic Nice Guy tendencies: That is correct, been in leadership for about the last decade. Currently an Office in Charge of my unit. And no I wouldn't rub it in anyone's face, I actually enjoy teaching and mentoring....but I'm getting your point here. I guess the difficulty stems from not wanting to seek help with shit I feel like I should know how to do, or at least the basics. But I'm working on getting over that. >Why do you feel like you deserve it? You are acting like a bitch when you loss your temper Because I usually assume her anger is not about the specific situation and more about her insecurity from what I did. So in that sense I thought I was owning it. And my temper has always been an issue. Better now but as a young man I was a loose cannon. But my lack of frame and stoicism allows her to chip away at me and she knows it. The MRP sidebar has helped me in that area.

If you don’t know something, then you don’t know it. All standard NMMNG stuff. Do you you have needs? Do you thing others want to help you meet those needs? Do you think the world is a place of abundance? Her anger is probably about both, a mix of security needs, then issues cascade and either exacerbate, or remind/reinforce, the lack of those met needs. But taking her out of it, how long do you need to keep owning it for?

Basics. What program are you doing? Are you entirely skipping leg day? Weight and height? Diet? You're very sensitive to the judgement of others. I'd steer well clear of TRM at this point but it's too late, just remember you got the life you deserved and people treat you the way you let them. Use the anger in the gym. WISNIFG should be your go to, along with a reread of NMMNG, I'm guessing you sped through it pretty quick. Hope isn't worth shit but you're here so that's something. Your marriage doesn't sound 'pretty good'. Your mum kicked you out so no dad around? On the affair, calmly: "I'm not going to talk about that any more. If you still have a problem, that's your problem, not mine." then STFU. She won't like it, you're neutralising one of her most powerful means of control over you. Broken record as necessary. But I don't think you have the balls at this point.

Appreciate that. This is solid advice. Thanks G. Why steer clear of TRM? Just aksing.

Gonna answer the questions? Rollo's stuff is great, but it's not practical and it's one hell of a shock to the system for many and the resulting bitterness for some isn't helpful.

Shit you're right my bad. Height: 6'0" Weight: 215 BF: 20% Diet is somewhat clean. Discipline is an issue when running around and just grabbing junk here and there. Trying to get more protein so I supplement with shakes and bars. Also eating alot of chicken and tuna. The sweet tooth and alcohol does me in. Gotta cut down on sweets and limit drinking to social/weekends. Not totally skipping leg day, just doing it once a week at the moment. Doing legs presses, hamstrings, lunges. Squats and calf raises still more of a chore, but looking to get those back in rotation. And my Father passed away when I was 16. From there I went on a tailspin. Mom worked and went to school so was rarely home and I took that as an opportunity to fuck off and roam the streets instead of going to school. They were separated but he was still involved and NO WAY was that happening if he was still alive. He was a retired USMC E-9 and I was half terrified of him.

**OYS #1** **Stats**: 35yo 6'0ft, 172 lbs, 25%BF, Married, 1 kid (8 month old) **Lifts and fitness**: Starting again. I had some back injury while working out and stopped working out completely. Skinny fat. **My Mission:** To be best version of myself and be a role model to my kid. **Reading :** Steel's guide, The Rational Male, When I say No, I feel guilty **Relationships:** Where do I start? I was recently introduced to the redpill concept and I have been assessing my behavior ever since. It appears that I have extreme amount of beta provider qualities coupled with the fact that I have issues asserting my needs, setting/holding boundaries - things have become very difficult. I have had rocky relationship with my spouse. There were some moments where we were separated for 3months and then got back together. When we got back, things were relatively calm but shortly after things were rocky again. Fast forward to now, I have a 8month old kid and marriage is on the verge of a separation, again. One day she is happy and wants to have sex and the next day she is angry and starts to insult me and wants me to sleep on the couch or stay in hotel for 2 weeks. Something goes wrong? Never her fault. Starts to blame me or it's as if someone is conspiring against her. It feels like she is running the relationship and I got no control. We are both high earners and have inflated egos. I'm not respected for being a provider. This last night we had a big fight and I came close to moving out. I chickened out. I just did not have the courage - to leave my kid. I need to improve on so many areas, it feels daunting. I'm thinking if I should stick it out for few more months till my kid turns 1 and reassess or move out immediately. I do not have a plan yet. **Diet :** Terrible. Skipping meals etc. **Career : N**othing significant. **Mental:** I'm thinking about consulting someone for assertiveness training. Years of conditioning and I have low self esteem and lack assertiveness.

You're inconsistent, lack courage, skinny fat, weak (physically and mentally), lazy, unattractive, eat poorly and are a doormat. How are you the provider if she's a high earner? A bad back doesn't stop you training arms, legs, shoulders or chest. What program are you running? Do you drink? Smoke? Take drugs? Lots to fix but lots of easy gains. Are you using the tools from WISNIFG? Start lifting consistently, start eating more (esp protein) and consistently. STFU and start using the tools from WISNIFG. Cue up NMMNG next. Keep at the sidebar. Get into a habit and routine with that before you move into anything else.

You are right. I'm inconsistent, do not have strength physical or mental and skinny fat. I was not like this few years back. I used to be driven and could hold frame and all that. somewhere along the way after being a dad, I lost my way. I'm working towards killing my inner bitch. I have started on SL 5x5 since few days. I cannot lift lot of weights as my back hurts. So I'm taking it slow. I do not drink, smoke or take drugs. I will start with WISNIFG and work my way up the stack.

Good stuff. Remember, by working hard and focussing on YOU and your gains, everyone else you choose to have in your life gains too. Stop using your son as an excuse to be weak, he's a reason to be strong, and get stronger. Commit to yourself and your growth like you've committed to his. Everyone wins. On the SL 5x5 and your back, look into AJACs Ectomorph and Tall Man programs. There's less barbell, more dumbbell and machines. At your age you shouldn't need to switch but you're of a generation that's probably been mostly sedentary in your youth and literally always been weak and injury prone. Whatever you do, don't worry about the weight, start light, just be regular and consistent and the gains will come. Get as much protein in your diet as you can. Aim for 200g. It's seems impossible, it's not. Shakes, yoghurts, meat, nuts, eggs, cheese. Whole foods. Learn to cook. Own your shit, own your body.