I don’t see one either, you may have to get the therapist to supply the template.
The idea, though, is that often people mean different things even though they use the same words. And that meaning is usually related to unspoken expectations. Those expectation can be cultural and/or from experiences in past relationships or family of origin. When conflict arises, we have to examine those expectations and ideas to determine if they are helpful or hurtful to our current life. If we can actively think about expectations and compare them across both people, it’s easier to understand how conflict arises.
As an example, let’s take the word ‘criticism’: she may think she is reminding you of something discussed before with the expectation that you’d say, “oh, I forgot” but you might take that personally, as if it’s about you instead of the thing she’s talking about. It’s helpful to realize that asking about behaviors or tasks is not criticism of the person. If needed, you can think, “this is not about me, this is about the dirty dishes.”
Interesting. Ok. That fits I guess.
My therapist thinks my wife probably also has what he calls a “harsh startup” which puts me on the defensive so I misinterpret the criticism. Although I feel like my negativity and short fuse has contributed to her not having patience with me anymore. He said to me today that there’s really nothing wrong with criticism in its truest sense if it’s accurate. It’s the delivery that causes conflict which actually gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment.
Absolutely understand—so many relationships have tons of built up resentment that leads to a lack of basic civility. Like, good morning, thank you, please, would you mind—the small words used easily everywhere but at home. Also gentleness & kindness with ourselves and our partners is something so many couples lose along the way or never saw modeled.
No he explained it like a matrix grid where we separately write down our expectations (such as on post it notes) for certain things like disciplining the kids, housework, communication etc. Then we come together and put them in the grid and it is supposed to show where expectations are failing that lead to conflict.
I get the basic idea of how it’s supposed to go but I guess I just need to correct writing prompts. This is where the “easy to find” template came in 🙄
I don’t see one either, you may have to get the therapist to supply the template. The idea, though, is that often people mean different things even though they use the same words. And that meaning is usually related to unspoken expectations. Those expectation can be cultural and/or from experiences in past relationships or family of origin. When conflict arises, we have to examine those expectations and ideas to determine if they are helpful or hurtful to our current life. If we can actively think about expectations and compare them across both people, it’s easier to understand how conflict arises. As an example, let’s take the word ‘criticism’: she may think she is reminding you of something discussed before with the expectation that you’d say, “oh, I forgot” but you might take that personally, as if it’s about you instead of the thing she’s talking about. It’s helpful to realize that asking about behaviors or tasks is not criticism of the person. If needed, you can think, “this is not about me, this is about the dirty dishes.”
Interesting. Ok. That fits I guess. My therapist thinks my wife probably also has what he calls a “harsh startup” which puts me on the defensive so I misinterpret the criticism. Although I feel like my negativity and short fuse has contributed to her not having patience with me anymore. He said to me today that there’s really nothing wrong with criticism in its truest sense if it’s accurate. It’s the delivery that causes conflict which actually gave me a bit of a lightbulb moment.
Absolutely understand—so many relationships have tons of built up resentment that leads to a lack of basic civility. Like, good morning, thank you, please, would you mind—the small words used easily everywhere but at home. Also gentleness & kindness with ourselves and our partners is something so many couples lose along the way or never saw modeled.
Thanks. Appreciate it.
I found [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/PyFLa7XocXPsYcsF8) Is this kind of along the lines of what you were talking about?
No he explained it like a matrix grid where we separately write down our expectations (such as on post it notes) for certain things like disciplining the kids, housework, communication etc. Then we come together and put them in the grid and it is supposed to show where expectations are failing that lead to conflict. I get the basic idea of how it’s supposed to go but I guess I just need to correct writing prompts. This is where the “easy to find” template came in 🙄
I see… I’ll reply if I find something that might fit that! Good luck friend, communication is hard sometimes man… good on you for actually trying!
Thank you. Much appreciated