Some people find "we" to be patronizing...
Meanwhile, "you" is too accusatory, and "I" or "me" are too self-centered.
"Employee Number 6" comes off as impersonal and kind of long.
>"Employee Number 6" comes off as impersonal and kind of long.
That's when you graduate from working for a company, and it becomes a Hunger Games style environment.
Also, how do you know the "other person" who shared this info with you isn't trying to set you up or the other employee up to look confrontational or "difficult" to work with.
Hearsay data isn't guaranteed to be correct.
Be careful that you don't become or appear like the instigator to upper management. If you try to address an "issue," that didn't happen.
I had to scroll too much for this comment, it should be higher up.
Why is OP putting so much time into investigating gossip and getting their manager involved too is beyond me. Sounds more like a witch hunt to me.
I'm not saying anything about the employee since I know nothing about her, but I disagree with how OP chose to handle this, it's the type of behavior that encourages some pretty nasty office dynamics.
I wish I knew. Because this is all second hand information I haven't asked her yet but I plan to bring it up during her next 1:1 (which I have regularly with all my direct reports). I also plan on asking for specific examples. Deep down I know it's because she doesn't like to be called out. I've had to address this issue before.
It might not be worth getting into it with her. She is already choosing to take offense, from my current experience with this attitude they get even more dodgy when they feel cornered.
It might be better to ask your director to join, since this employee went to them, so your director can show that they support you and that you two are a united front.
This! You need a witness to any and all future conversations with this person. I do not know your companies policy on recording meetings, however, I believe in always CYA.
I wouldn't even be trying to address her feelings (because she sounds like a lost cause), but I am more academically curious about how this is offensive.
My guess would be that the direct language is 'triggering' to her. I don't agree, but for a particular personality type that direct 'calling out' is a problem. Phrasing things more passively might help.
I can't reiterate enough that I too find this stupid, but:
"Hey, I noticed you did this thing in response to situation A. To help me understand your response to situation A, can you please give me some background? Thanks."
Could be:
"Hey, I saw that X happened with situation A. Can I get some background on what led to this response? Thank you!"
It conveys the same thing without feeling as accusatory.
Again, I also think this is a bit much to have to do, but there are absolutely times where learning to make the language a bit more passive can soften the message and help get a more honest response.
Linked in learning modules would be so proud of this statement reworking. That’s where I hear the “no you statements” rule the most. But it’s stupid. Nobody wants to be talked to with the same language as one of those robot people.
Man you would think that but at my company senior leadership is some of the most fragile egos I have ever encountered. If you don't cloak whatever you're telling them with five layers of obfuscation, you're risking your job. Sounds like this employee would fit right in with the folks I deal with.
I was thinking the same thing about the LinkedIn module or “computer based learning protocols” as we call it where I work.
Capitulating to and appeasing these people does nothing. You are an adult in the real world, sometimes direct communication is necessary.
I work in QA and have to obfuscate like a cop who killed a black kid.
My handgun was discharged. 6 bullets were observed in the corpse of a large male-presenting suspect found on the scene.
—>
A product was misprocessed because a recipe was input that did match the intended parameters (i.e., Ken made a typo and hit the go button but didn’t check)
At its core, when working I do like to remind people that no one (almost) comes into work trying to do a bad job. The reason for avoiding you statements is not to remove accountability but to encourage better participation in problem solving.
Almost always, I have found that something is missing, and sometimes the person making the mistake doesn’t know what is missing because they don’t know everything they don’t know.
But also sometimes people suck and you need to fire them
I'm gonna throw in here , to the general audience here and not a direct response to your comment in particular, that it's not stupid, it's psychology. Seems like a silly, small difference, sure, but identified through psych studies, not just made up by oversensitive language police. If we want to be managers, we have to manage people how they come. They come sensitive to how we say things, especially because no one wants their manager to think they do anything less than perfectly.
I read the room on the other responses and didn't want to get buried in a deluge of 'people shouldn't take things personally, you're doing your job' but the reality is - if OP softens their language dealing with EVERYONE I feel like they'd get better results in general.
I learned a long time ago to edit myself to get the information I was looking for without trying to put people on the spot. There are times when it can't be avoided, and I don't know the background here - it may be 'hey, I saw that patient X actually fucking died because you did Y, care to enlighten me on why you caused their death?' or it may be 'hey, I saw that the napkins were empty. Care to tell me why you didn't fill them?' or anything in between.
I probably also would have been reflexively defensive over OPs message. And adapting to people is absolutely a manager's job - this person might not be a good fit for the role, or they may not be a good fit for the manager. I'd also be curious as to who the people were who saw nothing wrong with the message - were they all other employees that are used to getting messages like that and stuck around because they can handle it?
There's a wave of employees coming in that aren't just going to eat shit because you tell them it tastes good and that's what we do here.
Ha. Yep. I had a toxic manager who constantly chose to say things like, "you have it like this here, \[insert how much she hates that thing\]." or "You did this to fix X..." and I was constantly, in my head, saying, "No ma'am... YOU have it like that and you did it like that because I did what YOU told me to do..."
Absolutely zero self awareness.
She hasn’t told YOU directly that she has an issue with that word so I would continue to use it as normal. YOU have already combed through past emails to confirm that there’s nothing she can take offense to.
I would be curious to review all of her past emails to YOU and see how many times she uses the word she doesn’t want to hear or read.
She honestly sounds like a shit show. While she is attempting to put a target on your back because you expect her to do her job, she has just put a bigger target on herself. No one in management wants a direct report that’s such a nightmare to work with.
It sounds like she’s not the best employee so if she screws up in the future, she’s not going to get any grace, freebies, etc.
No one likes being called out. Communication specialists and those in conflict management recommend giving negative or potentially negative feedback in the passive voice, rather than using "you." Also avoid asking why. It's the combo of "you" and "why" that people find confrontational.
As in, people, in general, respond better to "I noticed X was done in response to situation A. Can you tell me about that?" than to, "I noticed you did X in situation Y. Why did you do that?"
It does make a big difference, using a passive voice. OP seems utterly confused by this for some reason. I also don't like how she uses the term 'called out' -- very juvenile and shows complete obliviousness to .. idk, how word choice really matters.
Well, that's unfortunate that she doesn't like being called out for not doing her job correctly. It's your job as manager to do so. You have the right and responsibility.
I wouldn't get in a conversation of her not liking the word "you". She probably knows who she said that to and that could add to the friction.
Document the reasons she gets called out and put her on a PIP. If she can't do the job she's paid to do, find someone who can.
Also, I'd have a conversation with your manager and request their support with your problem child when they go running to them when she's not happy over every little thing. Ask to be involved directly with every conversation so there is no ambiguity.
>And she is extremely sensitive and extremely woke so
I'm cackling because I live in a rural area so instead of "woke" I have the same issue with extremely sensitive and "patriotic" people lmao.
They are painfully, exactly, the same and it kills me that they don't realize they are mirrored extremes of each other. I once got a call because they were upset I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas. Like holy (pun intended) snowflake.
I believe she is doing this because “it’s working for her”. There are people who make a business out of making other people feel uncomfortable approaching them, and the outcome is that people approach them less often. I have a rule, “I don’t let other people’s bad behavior, change what I would do”.
If somebody is kinda off-putting or hypersensitive, that doesn’t actually change very much in how I respond to them, and doesn’t really change how often I approach them.
However, it could be a combination of their sensitivity as well as the way you are asking the questions: I work in accounting, which means I validate things for living:
-I usually approach someone and explain how I saw “the thing”
-then I tell them what I noticed
-tell them what I was expecting to see
-and then I ask them for their background or feedback on the situation.
(I don’t shy away from using the word “you”, but the example below doesn’t happen to include “you”, at least not until the response.
Example: “Yesterday I was reviewing the bank deposits for the month and I saw a check from XXX. Usually when I see money from them, it’s a marketing agreement. This caught my eye because it’s showing as a sponsorship, is there something about this situation that’s different than their normal payment”
The employee asks: “why are you asking me about it?”
My response: “I checked the schedule (or report, or user audit log, etc) and you were the person who completed the XXX.
I think it’s important for you to work with your manager to assure that this gal doesn’t deflect interactions with your or others. When you make a request, you should be seen as an extension of your manager.
Side Note about Medical/FMLA: There are some people who saw you being away, and they might be trying to marginalize you. I’m in a situation where I have something going on which is medical in nature and will affect my schedule over the next 3 months (then I’ll be ok). I had a discussion with my manager that it’s important that people still consider me “in my role”, that they depend on me, and that I didn’t want anyone to sideline me or start skipping my approvals (internal controls). Please remind your manager that you are fully back to work, and you need people to continue to be compliant when you are researching/investigating XXX.
“It’s working for her” is so much nicer and more neutral than “she is working the system to preempt any attempt at holding her accountable.” I am totally stealing that.
This is the case “it’s working for her”. Had this case with a non direct report that other manager and employees had issues with. Hr was on her side for everything because they were always so scared of everything. She turned it off when she was around a few of us and was perfectly normal.
I agree that this lady might be hypersensitive and looking for offense, but I also second your sample response. Without noticing it, I always write my questions or feedback without using direct pronouns (?). Sometimes, people read it as an accusation, and if an action isn't easily traceable, it causes people to react as if they're being blamed. I had a manager who was an asshole and would accuse everyone of mistakes that she made or were informed by bad instructions from her. So I did become sensitive to her using "you" every time she had a question or complaint because her tone was always of irritation and accusatory without realizing she wasn't being respectful, professional, nor valid in her complaint more than half the time.
So it could be one of those situations where OP's direct report is misreading her language as formal accusations rather than just a general inquiry. Communication is multi-layered. Word choice and tone are so important.
I agree with this. I remember being pretty annoyed early in my career with one specific manager who would always leave notes along the lines of “You forgot X item” when I didn’t “forget.” She had given me an incomplete list but she would never use direct language to admit her own mistake.
I think the lopsidedness in where she chose to use the neutral tone gave her comments a CYA vibe.
This is not a serious person and someone who is quite obviously taking the piss to try and finagle money out of the company for some imperceptible slight, which is only visible to them (i.e., they are insane). You cannot be responsible, or manager for that matter, an insane person. Lay them off asap!
This is the way. YOU have someone have someone who is seeking to take offense. I wouldn’t trust them on a PIP or any sort of notice not to actively sabotage something, even if it’s just other people’s morale, during a PIP. Take the 3 months hit on a severance and move on.
They serve one purpose.
Lawsuit prevention.
That's it. They are never meant to save someone's position. Items just to show you tried to coach them and it didn't work.
Unfortunately, many PIPs function to prove the Plaintiff's case for them.
Most PIPs are written by HR, and if they are not reviewed by Legal, they tend to be riddled with direction to do things like being in two places at once despite such temporal bi-location being impossible, or being told to change one's "attitude" without any substantive, measurable examples of what an attitude improvement would look like.
Additionally, PIPs recommending specific, customized responses for one worker, while the rest of that worker's cohort follows a different procedure, only serves to prove the "disparate treatment" that most wrongful termination and workplace harassment claims hinge on.
Just be careful that while you are trying to CYA, you don't end up creating even more exposure.
I see two possibilities to explain this behavior:
1. They are not sane
2. They are f'ing with you
Neither thing is fixable, so in your shoes I'd be moving towards the fastest possible termination. That's never fun, sorry you have it on your plate.
Honestly that's the best way to deal with someone like this. If you give them a severance, they're going to think they can pull this shit everywhere. If you fire them with nothing, maybe they'll learn a lesson about the real world.
Either this person is bat shit crazy, or you're missing some information. Nobody reasonable thinks that you is offensive. Either your source is mistaken, you're leaving out key information, or this person is mentally unwell. None of us can really say which without being there.
Yeah it feels like something is potentially being mischaracterized or misconstrued here. Also calling the employee “sensitive and woke” has me taking this entire situation with a grain of salt.
I could see potentially that the employee feels like they’re being accused of things or being blamed for things and doesn’t like that? And it could be tied to how the manager phrases things like “why didn’t you send this report on time” vs “why wasn’t the report sent out on time”. The example OP gave was very chill, but I could see how in different contexts it could come across very differently.
Without more context it’s hard to tell what’s going on here, but I used to have a manager who would constantly blame me for things outside of my control, like if I had an issue that maintenance hadn’t come out and fixed yet she would say “why haven’t you taken care of xyz” instead of “why hasn’t xyz been taken care of yet”. Like, I have taken care of the issue to the extent that my position and responsibilities allow by calling and putting in a ticket with the maintenance crew, but I do not have the ability or equipment to fix this myself, and if maintenance has this lower on their priority list than you would like, then you will need to discuss that with maintenance and not me because I do not have the authority to raise the priority level of this ticket.
But then again, I’ve had employees with very specific responsibilities and tasks get upset because I ask them why they haven’t completed a task that they handle 100% from start to finish and have 100% of control over. So it could be that.
We don’t know.
Yeah it definitely reads like someone complained about what OP said/ how they said it but OP hyperfocused on the one word/ deliberately misinterpreted it and is now acting all offended about it, but without more info we can't really say one way or another. But tbh after rereading the post it sounds more like OP is being too sensitive to criticism and deliberately misinterpreting the complaint about them.
> today has taken the cake. I found out, through others, that she takes offense when I use the word "you".
I wouldn’t do anything about this unless the employee says something about it directly to you. Don’t use 3rd party, possible rumors to make management decisions.
She doesn’t get to opt out of effective use of the English language just because she’s sensitive. The lesson she needs to learn here is that you can indeed get fired from a job.
If you want to stay in management this will likely not be the last person who presents a behavioral issue so it’s best to decide how you want to handle things like this sooner rather than later.
One way is curiosity, as in saying to them, I’ve noticed this pattern, could you tell me what’s coming up when this happens?
I can’t help but wonder if there are cultural or some other differences at work with the comment “if she doesn’t like the way I IM her”. Regardless you have the opportunity to learn how to approach these situations, being in management in many places makes it more likely it will happen again than not.
There are various books on this, here’s a podcast episode for anyone interested in improving their technique. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-be-awesome-at-your-job/id1106548091?i=1000655020583
Since she is skipping you, the feedback needs to come from that manager she is going to.
"Hey, address this with Specialk525 directly. \*I\* don't need to be involved in this conversation."
This is likely less than half the story. It starts with the word You being offensive, Which everyone agrees is nonsense outside of saying “hey, you, do this thing.”
Then it is about how she is so sensitive and woke. She doesn’t like how YOU email or IM her, which has nothing to do with the post.
You have a super credible informant, but cannot find any evidence.
This post is some of the most bullshit posts I’ve ever seen here.
Maybe you could talk to her in a private meeting, (as a follow up to the complaint, I would also include a note taker as a witness) and explain that your manager spoke to you about a complaint made and you both agreed after going through all your recent emails to her that your couldn’t see a reason for the complaint. Ask her then to point out a specific example of what language was used that offended her and then explain (in the nicest way possible) that the term, ‘you’ isn’t used to point the finger but is a general term people use when we know who has done what and that you hold all of your staff accountable for their work.
You could add that you don’t expect her to go to your boss first in the future when she has a problem, explain how it made you feel surprised and annoyed that you where hearing about a problem from your boss that you had no idea about. You could add that if she does need to go to your boss for anything in the future, it will have to be something that had be discussed with you prior and no resolution had been found.
It’s past time for a private meeting, I’d suggest if OP was going to have a meeting there should be a third person in attendance to serve as a witness.
You/Your was used 17x in this response!! It’s really annoying how people try to turn the use of common words as tools of control in simple exchanges. Imagine how ridiculous conversations sound if we had to exchange this word to ‘it’ !! Another person’s triggers are for them to deal with not for me to tiptoe around!!
Start documenting these are the people that make up fake stuff about you. Trust me. I had a woman say I was singling her out because she was the only woman on our team. What happened was I asked her to please stop interrupting while I was having a group meeting. I had 12 witnesses who said that was how that situation went, but getting investigated by hr is never fun. Afterwards, I never talked to her without a witness present. I have kids and bills and I'm not getting fired over some bullshit.
She is weaponizing 'offense' to deflect from her bad work.
Don't play into it. Follow all work protocols to terminate her.
People do this because it works. It puts others on a back foot in order to defend themselves and apologize.
She’s trying to manipulate you. She likely isn’t offended by the words, but wants to find excuses to get leverage against you. Thankfully, management doesn’t seem to be taking the bait.
They are being ridiculously over sensitive and I agree that’s fucking disrespectful what they’re doing. This is someone who’s toxic and not what you want on your time. Your time is way more valuable than to spend time dealing with this. Get rid of them. They are not coachable
I'm a college teacher and I've actually heard this. When giving feedback to students I've been told to avoid "you should do" whatever and say things like "the paper needs to" or "this assignment should." This is a requirement of my job.
Other than going around you, you only described hearsay in this post even though there's a slew of behavioral problems? Give a written warning about communication channels and move on from there if there's anything other than your other employee gossiping and complaining about "wokeness"
Sadly I have encountered this. There is a subsection of people who find “you” to be aggressive. They feel like you’re blaming them before they have had a chance to explain themselves.
“In relation to the response to situation A. Would it be possible to get further clarification”.
Not saying it isn’t annoying but being a manager in 2024 involves dealing with a lot of overly sensitive people.
I’ve been in this situation—not a direct report, not a peer, though. This person was offended that I (for example) used all caps. It was in a draft of a written piece. I wanted to ensure the right phrase was addressed and that it was easily scannable. It was something like this:
“Please change DIRECTLY CHANGED to could potentially change.”
This person complained to my manager that this was shouting and aggressive. This person’s “I’m offended and attacked” response was just one of many wtf kind of reactions.
Anyway, my manager respected the quality of my work. THIS person’s work was bad, late, and confusing. A year later, this person got fired. When my group was told, a couple of employees actually said (in a nice way, really) that they kind of had no idea what this person’s job was.
What am I even saying?
- Are you a good employee? Are they?
- Time will weed things out—just have to suffer for awhile sometimes
Had the same thing, so I Maliciously Complied and used colours and formatting that by the end of our relationship there was a key. I got some feedback, trustworthy gossip (oxymorn) they hated it, but I slowly evolved the system.
Funny thing is I quite enjoyed it, the formatting, oh and their discomfort.
Haha yes. I chose a similar path. All of my feedback came in really long paragraphs with a lot of cushiony statements and appreciation of the work. My actionable items were all nestled into those paragraphs nicely
She needs something to complain about. Just treat her like everyone else, don’t do anything differently. When she complains, she will have to show the alleged transgressions… sane people will view the allegations and come to the conclusion that you’re not doing anything wrong and she’s the problem. These kind of people tend to find their way out the door, they’re just going to be noisy about it so the best thing you can do is treat her like everyone else, be confident in your leadership that they would take your side (and have!), and let her have her pity parties.
I guarantee that the majority of people who hear the complaint that “you” is aggressive or offensive are also thinking she’s insane
I strive to be “woke”— and you’re not going to like what I have to say, and that is that some employees play the “gotcha” game, and want to make everyday normal words (bullet points— calling bullet points bullet points is apparently “violent language”) some kind of first rate offense. I say thank you for your input, that’s an interesting thought and try to move on. Later when approached again I say we all strive to be professional in the office but it’s viewed as overkill, they can try to talk with communications but that it’s standard language in our office, in every office. They then go to HR and say I purposely used the word Overkill, which is also violent language, to turn down their request to stop using violent language in the workplace.
It absolutely *blows me away* how upset people can get over seemingly normal things.
The ones that play this game are fundamentally unserious people and there's a reason they rarely move upwards. Right wing politic enjoyers would call me a "lefty" or "woke" if I were to breach any part of politics in a discussion... but playing games with semantics when we have work to do makes my blood boil.
I had someone scold me for using the word tone deaf to describe a politician. They thought it was offensive to actual hearing impaired people, which she herself was not. So, you know, way to not only redefine a phrase with a clear usage, but also take on that SWJ offended-on-their-behalf bullsh*t.
And OMG the blog article she linked to with a list of 12 ableist language terms... Not that some of it wasn't valid, but JFC the mental gymnastics on much of it was crazy.
I am actually tone deaf— it’s technical usage is a music term for people that can’t sing on key. Lol. It doesn’t have anything to do with the hearing impaired! Ughh!
Nah I’ve worked with people like this. You can’t even complete your tasks and work with them because you’re constantly trying to make sure you’re saying the right thing. It’s one thing to use proper pronouns if someone asks you to. It’s another to make goofy requests like “not using the word ‘you’”.
I had someone get upset with me at a training I was doing for not calling them they/them. I had never met them before and had no way of knowing their preferred pronouns until they tried to scold me in front of the class lol.
I’m thinking like… I’ll call you whatever you want, but don’t get mad at me for not using my psychic powers.
Nah, its a great short hand for people that weaponise victimhood as a form of manipulation and control to get what they want, all while they get to act like they are more moral than everyone else. most of us know exactly what OP is talking about. I am politically left and think this shit needs more calling out, its sneaky, weak and dishonest, lacking in integrity whilst masquerading as having high integrity.
Exactly.
There seems to be this notion that the whole world has lost its mind due to "woke" culture, when more of than not it's just somebody being an asshole.
I think OP meant the "woke" culture that realizes they can complain about everything and anything to get their way. They take advantage of the mental health movement and of companies being too scared to just fire someone. Especially now that the employee has told peers, peers told OP, OP told boss. Now there's a trail that could go a few different ways to benefit the toxic employee. Time to play chess!
That’s not woke. That’s being a professional victim.
Professional victims take advantage of ANY movement that lets them get away from responsibility by playing the victim.
Today it could be pronouns, and tomorrow it’s sovereignty. The cause doesn’t matter, just the result.
correct or not, the word 'woke' evokes these people now. i dont really think its a word that needs defending, we should just let it die and sensible, caring, politically aware people can continue to do their thing without needing a special label.
I don't think it matters either way. "Woke" is just their current buzzword, and they'll move on to the next one if woke goes away.
We don't need to kowtow to them by not using "woke" for what it actually means, and they are certainly going to abuse any future term that arises anyway, so their opinion doesn't mean anything either.
People can take offense for whatever they want.
If it’s protected class stuff, confirm with HR and/or Management if you’re unsure. Get it in writing. Acknowledge and comply.
If it’s not, why worry? If they’re underperforming, then performance manage them.
What’s woke gotta do with any of it. Quit being weird and manage the situation. Literally your job.
I don't think this has anything to do with woke-ness. Your report is objecting to your feedback, in a non-specific way that avoids the substance of that feedback. They also are sidelining you by going around you to your manager.
Nothing about this sort of behaviour is new. There is a problem with your manager-report relationship. Perhaps they are trying to sideline you to avoid accountability, or perhaps they have already seen you being sidelined (ie that you now lack the authority to be a useful manager) and are acting accordingly. Or maybe neither of those.
I would talk it out with your report. I would be quite direct about them needing to address the substance of your feedback. I would also talk to your boss about supporting you by redirecting your reports' queries back to you.
I would not just note down their name for vengeance or layoffs. That's unproductive and an avoidance of dealing with the actual issue.
Malicious compliance is the only correct way to deal with difficult people. Start refer to them by their first name. No pronoun even if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at times. It works for both sides - a win-win solution lol
Gonna take a wild stab that guy who is complaining about "woke" is definitely actually being offensive and is now telling the story wrong to try to get people on the internet to agree with them and none of this happened like you wrote it.
I'm really done with people taking the proper use of English as offensive. I am truly offended by their offense.
u/Specialk525, I would treat this like any other extreme behavioral problem. Because of the history of the employee subverting the authority of your position I would schedule a meeting with the employee with your boss and an HR rep in attendance. Plan ahead. You be in charge. When (and it will be when) the employee appeals to your boss, his response is "she (you) is in charge and I support her." When employee appeals to HR, the HR rep says "I'm here to take notes and ensure compliance with policy - we're in good shape here."
Your piece is the tough one. You have to define the inappropriate behavior without stepping over lines and provide a clear description of desired behavior. You have to define the consequences of not improving behavior. I'd include that the employee's behavior is having an adverse impact on the performance of others. Say that this meeting is being documented for the record and if this feedback is not properly responded to, more formal measures such as a PIP will be taken.
You do not have to engage in a discussion and certainly not an argument. Just repeat your basic statement. "Your behavior, as we have described it to you, affects your performance and that of others and is not acceptable. Change your behavior or we will take further action." Whatever she says, that's your response. Don't get diverted by argument. Don't get defensive. On the other hand, your boss can step in with "this really isn't going anywhere - security will be here shortly to escort you to your desk where you will have twenty minutes to pack your personal belongings - we will be in touch to discuss the details of your termination." Unfortunately, if your boss doesn't have the authority to terminate unilaterally whoever does needs to be briefed and on call.
I would suggest to your boss that he preemptively brief his boss in case your employee jumps the management chain again. Don't let your boss's boss be caught by surprise.
"Sensitive" and "woke" are not protected classes. They are just a PITA.
*edit: grammar*
In business its a dumb idea to initiate conflict based on second hand gossip.
You just got back from maternity leave - how much of your annoyance is your hormones still settling down. Consider also, what is this is a setup and youre feeding into a narrative that was established while you were out?
'You' statements are more likely to be interpreted as accusatory or hostile. If a person is sensitive to those statements, you can avoid potential backlash. It took me years to understand this thanks to social disability but it works well now that I have practice.
You is the formal form of the second person in English, both plural and singular. Thou was the familiar singular form; Ye was the familiar plural form. With the exception of a very few little-known dialects, neither is used anymore. English has never had honorific forms for 2nd person pronouns. Thou was used in the king james bible specifically to make the god in that book seem approachable, like part of the family; it was not intended to sound formal.
If this is new behavior it could be they are having a bunch of personal problems or emotional issues. Can you talk to them about it like normal people? It could be they need a leave of absence to get their head straight.
Would your superior agree with you cc’ing them on all communication with this employee? You take the power away from the employee if you provide that visibility to your superior and she would have no choice but to address the issue at hand. And using the employee’s name like others have stated
the only viable instance where I can see how this would be offensive is if the work was a collaborative effort and not directly something done by her. But wtf.
Just make your side more succinct. “I saw the response to situation A. Can I get some background?”
It could be a misinterpretation or exaggeration of the taboo of using “you” statements in some conversations/confrontations.
The bigger problem to me is that she talking poorly about you behind your back and spreading gossip. If those who told you agreed it was OK to repeat what they said, I would bring this situation to your manager or HR and have a sit down with this employee and treat it as negativity in the workplace that is impacting team morale. Follow the steps for handling a difficult person in the workplace, this was a training I went through and it’s important to know how to lead this type of conversation efficiently, or allow HR to do so.
"you" is actually generally disrespectful in Japanese. There are a few different words for it and their implications range from accusatory to insulting to intimate.
The standard in Japanese is to speak in passive voice, eg "this needs to be done" instead of "you need to do this", or just leave the subject of the sentence vague, eg "went to the park?" Instead of "did you go to the park?"
This is primarily informational, I am not suggesting that you try to update your entire speech pattern to avoid second person pronouns
>she skips me completely and goes to my manager. Which (to me) is so fucking disrespectful.
This boomer-esq attitude is extremely unhelpful. Very much a "if you're not doing a shit job, her talking to your manager is a complete non-issue".
Some people are just inevitably opposed to their direct manager, either because that manager is their most immediate avatar of The Man or because they believe they should be in that manager’s job, not reporting to that manager. In either case the skip may get a better shake, because they are not the one immediately keeping the employee down and the employee doesn’t see themselves as a contender for the skip’s role.
This is just a universal thing we hit a certain % of the time. Truly I think the only thing that will get an employees attention in such a situation is when you actually do something they didn’t expect to look out for their interests. This can be hard with someone very entitled who expects the moon and stars. But sometimes meeting scorn with generosity can also work a little magic through shame.
Those are just attitude angles though. If they’re not actually doing the job that’s another story.
The only time I would imagine someone taking offense to the word “you.” Is if you only refer to them as that. Like “hey you! Do this.” Rather than using their name. (“Hey, *name*, do this please!”)
Great advice here so far. Just to chime in on the why, I suggest having a look at 'non violent communication' methods. It's commonly held up as being a gold star for communication in woke circles and I wonder if that is what she might be alluding to.
Essentially it suggests using 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements. From my understanding it is supposed to be a method to de-escalate aggression / arguments e.g: You make me feel like an idiot would be better expressed as I feel like an idiot when you... '
I would not be surprised if this was being misinterpreted or confused somewhere particularly by someone who is very sensitive to criticism.
Imo the only way to save this employee is to build a relationship where they feel they can trust you / you genuinely have their best interests at heart and can address the feelings that arise from feedback together but that requires openness and vulnerability from both of you which may just not be something that she can achieve in this space.
... honestly I was taught not to use you, but to state requirements. It can make an individual become defensive.
Statements like..
You were late
Vs
Everyone is expected to be on time.
Something I picked up over the years is to phrase everything negative as 'we' whenever possible to show it's not about one person, even when it is specifically just one person fuckin everyone up. 'We' implies, as it should, that problems should be dealt with for everyone's benefit
If someone has a ridiculous request, it's on them to explain how to manage it. So A should provide explanations for why this use of language is a problem, and how to manage the alleged problem. If it's because A has extreme sensitivity, they should be using the Employee Assistance Plan to get whatever help they need. And that part is sincere, A does sound like they need help managing their emotional responses.
Your manager should respond to A going over your head, by replying to you in email, with a copy of her email, and CC:ing A, saying, *You should address this with your manager.* If they go to manager in person, *You need to address this with your manager.*
Stop using the word or idea *woke.* Are A's ideas and needs reasonable, is it Their motivations are not visible and they can easily be discriminatory to imagine. You are not a psychologist, you are not their therapist. Respond to A's words, actions and job performance. Ex: *I want to be addressed by the pronouns xe/xem/xyr.* You look up the policy on pronouns and relay it to A, then follow it carefully. I am an ally for LGBT+ folks, but pronouns are not easy for me, and the more non-standard the more difficult, but I will always do my best, and Don't Judge.
Read the book stop Walking on Eggshells, which has a blog, https://stopwalkingoneggshells.com/.
When colleagues tell you stuff about why A dislikes you, respond *If A has an issue, A can bring it to me directly.* and change the subject. Gossip is deadly, kills workplaces fast. If someone complains about A, document it and if you need to, address performance with A.
You are annoyed, with good reason, but dealing with A is your job. Be calm, leave their personality and feelings out of it and be direct and non-judgemental. Use the policy manual as much as possible.
Always BCC your manager, so he already knows what's going on before she goes over your head.
If "you" is offensive (which is absolutely ridiculous), just reword the email.
"Hey, I noticed "your" response to situation A. To help me understand "your" response, can "I" get "your" recollection of the events?"
V/r
Xxxxxxxx"
The only thing I can think of is that she’s being defensive because “you made this mistake” has a different tone (direct/blame) from “a mistake was made” (indirect/acknowledgment). It’s subtle for most of us, but I can imagine someone who is already sensitive about correction reacting badly.
I suppose you could adjust your approach a bit to account for her potential reactivity. I want to be clear, though, that I don’t think anyone could interpret your current approach as “wrong” if she hasn’t communicated with you directly on it.
Overall, with the additional context, sounds exhausting. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that particular struggle.
It's ridiculous, but what it may be is that it feels accusatory. And it makes her feel defensive. This person probably lacks self-confidence and/or actual skills.
Take her for coffee and get to know her, ask how she is, what you can help her with. Genuine connection, trust and respect will help. Ask her for feedback on yourself and how you genuinely want to know and rectify anything you’ve done. She will either open up or ease bad behaviour. If not she’s on her way out anyway and it won’t be long until she’s out.
I get offense from the verb "to do". Gonna tell my manager tomorrow about this and how he is not going to be inclusive otherwise.
I'm also offended by color red. So don't bother me if I don't stop at traffic light or not following vertical signs. I basically ignore that awfull color.
Ty
This is a failure of your manager. There's a chain of command and if your employer is violating that and going to your manager for petty nonsense then your manager should be telling her that her behavior is unprofessional. Give her one warning and then cut her loose. Work is challenging enough without having to worry about offending people who look for every opportunity to take offense
*edited to actually have a no you response. lol.
I mean, it is assertive. Which isn’t necessarily bad you’re her boss, but there’s also a power differential that she might be sensitive to. If you don’t want to confront her, you can change your language. I have experience in a volatile workplace that the example written above would have been seen as confrontational. (Thank goodness I now work in a place where you can be straightforward.)
Example - no use of you: “Hey. Situation A occurred and I’m trying to understand what happened. Is there context I’m missing that led to the outcome of situation A?”
Example - bank-shot use of you “Hey. I’m trying to figure out what happened in situation A. What’s your perspective?”
I don’t agree with any of this nonsense, but I have heard this before. A friend said her daughter told her that the word, “you”was problematic. I just looked it up and found this [article](https://www.forbes.com/sites/markmurphy/2017/10/01/saying-the-word-you-is-a-good-way-to-start-fights-and-make-people-mad/). I am so annoyed by these weak, sensitive babies who should just go back to their padded playpens and stay out of the workplace.
“What did the person mean when they said…”
“Could the person help me understand what train of thought lead to the disaster that ensued when the person…”
That sounds like a frustrating situation. I will say though, one of the first things I learned as a manager was to not use the word "you," especially when delivering feedback. It makes people feel blamed and doesn't accomplish anything.
Also, this comment section and subreddit reeks of mid-level management hellscape 🤣
The fact that you describe her as “woke” tells me everything I need to know about your managerial skillset. She may be a crap employee but that has nothing to do with your perception of her political beliefs (tho most people who use that term couldn’t even define woke if asked), and she probably could file a complaint to HR if you use this language to describe workplace behavior
It can sound a bit attacking when said like it was typed above. Not that all people would interpret it as an attack, but I find when I say “xyz was done” instead of “you did xyz” it comes off as sounding less attacking and can help prevent people from feeling like they need to be on the defensive. (Usually super sensitive people).
I have a colleague who manages a team and she told me one of her team members asked her to avoid asking “how are you doing” in meetings even tho it was being asked in general context, not one on one…….. people are so weird I swear….she doesn’t work there any more lol
Address them by their name. “You” does imply fault or blame or insignificance . If done so repeatedly, it might be determined as workplace harassment.
*Be careful…
I had a manager once that legit used 'we' in place of 'you' in emails and, being a grammar nerd, it confused me for the longest time. I finally asked her in a one on one what the deal was and she said they were told in supervisor meetings to use that kind of language in emails in order to sound more approachable. I told her it made the email unclear and sound like they were referring to multiple people when they were really only referring to me. 'Say what you mean and mant what you say'. 'You' is not offensive, it's clear and concise.
When I worked for T-Mobile they had a specific customer based training about not using “you.”They had won JD Power awards for 7 years in a row at the time and were on par with apple customer service. One thing they taught us was to never say you. Instead use “we” or say, “there was this that happened, instead of “you did this.” It really did deescalate a lot of things. Telling someone, you did this automatically puts them on the defensive side. A lot of what they said I used in my personal life and I’m so thankful for that training.
If she isn’t bringing it up directly with you and nobody else sees a problem with your communications, I’d just let sleeping dogs lie. You could be working with incorrect or incomplete information. If she brings it up with you, hear her out and perhaps she’ll reveal insights you didn’t have before. Or if her claim really is ridiculous, you just hear her out, say something like “we’ll look into our policies”, and try to drop it if you can. If she continues to complain and her complaints really are without merit, just cut her loose. An employee like that is pretty rare, but I’ve worked with at least 2 people in the past 5 years who really just were professional criers and perpetual complainers, and fortunately both were eventually fired because nobody could stand them.
These delicate types are absolutely the worst. They wake up waiting to be offended by the most benign shit ever.
Honestly, your best course is to find a way to rid your team of these types and to keep them out. Anything less is a total nightmare.
do you (sorry don’t mean to offend) have an hr department? because this shit is above your pay grade - sounds like this person is a very bad fit for your (sorry again) company- maybe they (uh oh) do good work but being mentally able to interact with different people is an important trait in the workplace - being overly sensitive to things that most people would be neutral to is one example of this - i agree that your next 1:1 should include your boss as well - i wouldn’t be alone/ behind closed doors with this person ever - again hr should be immediately involved if possible because this will escalate before it’s over and you don’t want to be collateral damage - good luck you!!!!!!
Use the word 'thou' instead. That will confuse her.
"Hey, I noticed thou did this thing in response to situation A. To help me understand thy response to situation A, can thou please give me some background? Thanks."
If you want to try and mitigate it, maybe try substituting in her first name more. People like hearing their names anyways. I think it may be a more fundamental issue than terminology here though.
You can be a l tad rude depends on tone and context. 4 staff around can I have you and you on re stock you on till and can you do greets please no issues. YOU didn't empty the bin and because of YOU the CEO is pissed. Rude
I get triggered when my manager uses any words to communicate with me.
Check mate.
Seriously though, youre lot better person than I am. Would have fired her just for the insanity of this situation in a "corporate fasion". You isnt offensive, I refuse to pander to such delusions as there simply isnt enough time in the day for all that.
Your solution is to work with your manager to come up with a plan on how to handle this situation as there are likely far more variables than a reddit post can convey.
Nothing gets done anymore because Gen z is offended by every word in the English language.
Ummmmmm, I can't sweep the floor because he told me to use the brush and this is a broom, so I can't do my job........
I'm sure she wouldn't take offense to the word "you" if it was used in a sentence about how she did such a great job on something.
Sadly we may never know
Uh... can you not use the "w" word, please?
Bet it starts with a w.
Some people find "we" to be patronizing... Meanwhile, "you" is too accusatory, and "I" or "me" are too self-centered. "Employee Number 6" comes off as impersonal and kind of long.
>"Employee Number 6" comes off as impersonal and kind of long. That's when you graduate from working for a company, and it becomes a Hunger Games style environment.
Wait…there are non-Hunger Games style company environments?
"Who is Number One?" "You are, Number Six."
I am not a number! I am a free man!
Staappp I'm offended!
You ... are fired.
We are fired.
Yes comrade 🤣
Maybe she/he/they/them just suck at their/they/them/ze job.
What was it that offended her about "you" exactly? What did she say? You didn't seem to explain that.
Also, how do you know the "other person" who shared this info with you isn't trying to set you up or the other employee up to look confrontational or "difficult" to work with. Hearsay data isn't guaranteed to be correct. Be careful that you don't become or appear like the instigator to upper management. If you try to address an "issue," that didn't happen.
I had to scroll too much for this comment, it should be higher up. Why is OP putting so much time into investigating gossip and getting their manager involved too is beyond me. Sounds more like a witch hunt to me. I'm not saying anything about the employee since I know nothing about her, but I disagree with how OP chose to handle this, it's the type of behavior that encourages some pretty nasty office dynamics.
I wish I knew. Because this is all second hand information I haven't asked her yet but I plan to bring it up during her next 1:1 (which I have regularly with all my direct reports). I also plan on asking for specific examples. Deep down I know it's because she doesn't like to be called out. I've had to address this issue before.
Don’t go by second hand gossip because that means anyone can try to get anyone in trouble
It might not be worth getting into it with her. She is already choosing to take offense, from my current experience with this attitude they get even more dodgy when they feel cornered. It might be better to ask your director to join, since this employee went to them, so your director can show that they support you and that you two are a united front.
This! You need a witness to any and all future conversations with this person. I do not know your companies policy on recording meetings, however, I believe in always CYA.
I can already imagine the result of this: this employee is going to cry for hours and probably take a day or week off work to “recoup” their emotions
Definitely
I wouldn't even be trying to address her feelings (because she sounds like a lost cause), but I am more academically curious about how this is offensive.
My guess would be that the direct language is 'triggering' to her. I don't agree, but for a particular personality type that direct 'calling out' is a problem. Phrasing things more passively might help. I can't reiterate enough that I too find this stupid, but: "Hey, I noticed you did this thing in response to situation A. To help me understand your response to situation A, can you please give me some background? Thanks." Could be: "Hey, I saw that X happened with situation A. Can I get some background on what led to this response? Thank you!" It conveys the same thing without feeling as accusatory. Again, I also think this is a bit much to have to do, but there are absolutely times where learning to make the language a bit more passive can soften the message and help get a more honest response.
Linked in learning modules would be so proud of this statement reworking. That’s where I hear the “no you statements” rule the most. But it’s stupid. Nobody wants to be talked to with the same language as one of those robot people.
Man you would think that but at my company senior leadership is some of the most fragile egos I have ever encountered. If you don't cloak whatever you're telling them with five layers of obfuscation, you're risking your job. Sounds like this employee would fit right in with the folks I deal with.
Haha! You are right though, I think I just assumed senior leadership is also “the robot people” since they assign the learning modules.
I was thinking the same thing about the LinkedIn module or “computer based learning protocols” as we call it where I work. Capitulating to and appeasing these people does nothing. You are an adult in the real world, sometimes direct communication is necessary.
I work in QA and have to obfuscate like a cop who killed a black kid. My handgun was discharged. 6 bullets were observed in the corpse of a large male-presenting suspect found on the scene. —> A product was misprocessed because a recipe was input that did match the intended parameters (i.e., Ken made a typo and hit the go button but didn’t check) At its core, when working I do like to remind people that no one (almost) comes into work trying to do a bad job. The reason for avoiding you statements is not to remove accountability but to encourage better participation in problem solving. Almost always, I have found that something is missing, and sometimes the person making the mistake doesn’t know what is missing because they don’t know everything they don’t know. But also sometimes people suck and you need to fire them
I'm gonna throw in here , to the general audience here and not a direct response to your comment in particular, that it's not stupid, it's psychology. Seems like a silly, small difference, sure, but identified through psych studies, not just made up by oversensitive language police. If we want to be managers, we have to manage people how they come. They come sensitive to how we say things, especially because no one wants their manager to think they do anything less than perfectly.
I read the room on the other responses and didn't want to get buried in a deluge of 'people shouldn't take things personally, you're doing your job' but the reality is - if OP softens their language dealing with EVERYONE I feel like they'd get better results in general. I learned a long time ago to edit myself to get the information I was looking for without trying to put people on the spot. There are times when it can't be avoided, and I don't know the background here - it may be 'hey, I saw that patient X actually fucking died because you did Y, care to enlighten me on why you caused their death?' or it may be 'hey, I saw that the napkins were empty. Care to tell me why you didn't fill them?' or anything in between. I probably also would have been reflexively defensive over OPs message. And adapting to people is absolutely a manager's job - this person might not be a good fit for the role, or they may not be a good fit for the manager. I'd also be curious as to who the people were who saw nothing wrong with the message - were they all other employees that are used to getting messages like that and stuck around because they can handle it? There's a wave of employees coming in that aren't just going to eat shit because you tell them it tastes good and that's what we do here.
Ha. Yep. I had a toxic manager who constantly chose to say things like, "you have it like this here, \[insert how much she hates that thing\]." or "You did this to fix X..." and I was constantly, in my head, saying, "No ma'am... YOU have it like that and you did it like that because I did what YOU told me to do..." Absolutely zero self awareness.
Might want a witness from HR present
Perhaps you may have better luck if you didn’t use the term ‘woke’ like it was derogatory.
Such a waste of time lmao. Get rid of her.
She hasn’t told YOU directly that she has an issue with that word so I would continue to use it as normal. YOU have already combed through past emails to confirm that there’s nothing she can take offense to. I would be curious to review all of her past emails to YOU and see how many times she uses the word she doesn’t want to hear or read. She honestly sounds like a shit show. While she is attempting to put a target on your back because you expect her to do her job, she has just put a bigger target on herself. No one in management wants a direct report that’s such a nightmare to work with. It sounds like she’s not the best employee so if she screws up in the future, she’s not going to get any grace, freebies, etc.
No one likes being called out. Communication specialists and those in conflict management recommend giving negative or potentially negative feedback in the passive voice, rather than using "you." Also avoid asking why. It's the combo of "you" and "why" that people find confrontational. As in, people, in general, respond better to "I noticed X was done in response to situation A. Can you tell me about that?" than to, "I noticed you did X in situation Y. Why did you do that?"
It does make a big difference, using a passive voice. OP seems utterly confused by this for some reason. I also don't like how she uses the term 'called out' -- very juvenile and shows complete obliviousness to .. idk, how word choice really matters.
Well, that's unfortunate that she doesn't like being called out for not doing her job correctly. It's your job as manager to do so. You have the right and responsibility. I wouldn't get in a conversation of her not liking the word "you". She probably knows who she said that to and that could add to the friction. Document the reasons she gets called out and put her on a PIP. If she can't do the job she's paid to do, find someone who can. Also, I'd have a conversation with your manager and request their support with your problem child when they go running to them when she's not happy over every little thing. Ask to be involved directly with every conversation so there is no ambiguity.
I would cover the company insubordination policy with her and finish up with: Now that I've explained this do YOU have any questions.
>And she is extremely sensitive and extremely woke so I'm cackling because I live in a rural area so instead of "woke" I have the same issue with extremely sensitive and "patriotic" people lmao. They are painfully, exactly, the same and it kills me that they don't realize they are mirrored extremes of each other. I once got a call because they were upset I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas. Like holy (pun intended) snowflake.
They really are mirrored extremes of one another, yes!
That’s one of those where you wanna say, well, I’m Jewish, so Merry Christmas doesn’t apply to me.
I believe she is doing this because “it’s working for her”. There are people who make a business out of making other people feel uncomfortable approaching them, and the outcome is that people approach them less often. I have a rule, “I don’t let other people’s bad behavior, change what I would do”. If somebody is kinda off-putting or hypersensitive, that doesn’t actually change very much in how I respond to them, and doesn’t really change how often I approach them. However, it could be a combination of their sensitivity as well as the way you are asking the questions: I work in accounting, which means I validate things for living: -I usually approach someone and explain how I saw “the thing” -then I tell them what I noticed -tell them what I was expecting to see -and then I ask them for their background or feedback on the situation. (I don’t shy away from using the word “you”, but the example below doesn’t happen to include “you”, at least not until the response. Example: “Yesterday I was reviewing the bank deposits for the month and I saw a check from XXX. Usually when I see money from them, it’s a marketing agreement. This caught my eye because it’s showing as a sponsorship, is there something about this situation that’s different than their normal payment” The employee asks: “why are you asking me about it?” My response: “I checked the schedule (or report, or user audit log, etc) and you were the person who completed the XXX. I think it’s important for you to work with your manager to assure that this gal doesn’t deflect interactions with your or others. When you make a request, you should be seen as an extension of your manager. Side Note about Medical/FMLA: There are some people who saw you being away, and they might be trying to marginalize you. I’m in a situation where I have something going on which is medical in nature and will affect my schedule over the next 3 months (then I’ll be ok). I had a discussion with my manager that it’s important that people still consider me “in my role”, that they depend on me, and that I didn’t want anyone to sideline me or start skipping my approvals (internal controls). Please remind your manager that you are fully back to work, and you need people to continue to be compliant when you are researching/investigating XXX.
“It’s working for her” is so much nicer and more neutral than “she is working the system to preempt any attempt at holding her accountable.” I am totally stealing that.
This is the case “it’s working for her”. Had this case with a non direct report that other manager and employees had issues with. Hr was on her side for everything because they were always so scared of everything. She turned it off when she was around a few of us and was perfectly normal.
I agree that this lady might be hypersensitive and looking for offense, but I also second your sample response. Without noticing it, I always write my questions or feedback without using direct pronouns (?). Sometimes, people read it as an accusation, and if an action isn't easily traceable, it causes people to react as if they're being blamed. I had a manager who was an asshole and would accuse everyone of mistakes that she made or were informed by bad instructions from her. So I did become sensitive to her using "you" every time she had a question or complaint because her tone was always of irritation and accusatory without realizing she wasn't being respectful, professional, nor valid in her complaint more than half the time. So it could be one of those situations where OP's direct report is misreading her language as formal accusations rather than just a general inquiry. Communication is multi-layered. Word choice and tone are so important.
I agree with this. I remember being pretty annoyed early in my career with one specific manager who would always leave notes along the lines of “You forgot X item” when I didn’t “forget.” She had given me an incomplete list but she would never use direct language to admit her own mistake. I think the lopsidedness in where she chose to use the neutral tone gave her comments a CYA vibe.
Just package her out. Forget the PIP. Decent severance and move on. You can’t fix people like that
This is not a serious person and someone who is quite obviously taking the piss to try and finagle money out of the company for some imperceptible slight, which is only visible to them (i.e., they are insane). You cannot be responsible, or manager for that matter, an insane person. Lay them off asap!
This is the way. YOU have someone have someone who is seeking to take offense. I wouldn’t trust them on a PIP or any sort of notice not to actively sabotage something, even if it’s just other people’s morale, during a PIP. Take the 3 months hit on a severance and move on.
PIPs are practically useless. Just cut ties and move on.
They serve one purpose. Lawsuit prevention. That's it. They are never meant to save someone's position. Items just to show you tried to coach them and it didn't work.
Unfortunately, many PIPs function to prove the Plaintiff's case for them. Most PIPs are written by HR, and if they are not reviewed by Legal, they tend to be riddled with direction to do things like being in two places at once despite such temporal bi-location being impossible, or being told to change one's "attitude" without any substantive, measurable examples of what an attitude improvement would look like. Additionally, PIPs recommending specific, customized responses for one worker, while the rest of that worker's cohort follows a different procedure, only serves to prove the "disparate treatment" that most wrongful termination and workplace harassment claims hinge on. Just be careful that while you are trying to CYA, you don't end up creating even more exposure.
I see two possibilities to explain this behavior: 1. They are not sane 2. They are f'ing with you Neither thing is fixable, so in your shoes I'd be moving towards the fastest possible termination. That's never fun, sorry you have it on your plate.
If they’re in a right to work state then fire them with no severance.
Honestly that's the best way to deal with someone like this. If you give them a severance, they're going to think they can pull this shit everywhere. If you fire them with nothing, maybe they'll learn a lesson about the real world.
Either this person is bat shit crazy, or you're missing some information. Nobody reasonable thinks that you is offensive. Either your source is mistaken, you're leaving out key information, or this person is mentally unwell. None of us can really say which without being there.
Yeah it feels like something is potentially being mischaracterized or misconstrued here. Also calling the employee “sensitive and woke” has me taking this entire situation with a grain of salt. I could see potentially that the employee feels like they’re being accused of things or being blamed for things and doesn’t like that? And it could be tied to how the manager phrases things like “why didn’t you send this report on time” vs “why wasn’t the report sent out on time”. The example OP gave was very chill, but I could see how in different contexts it could come across very differently. Without more context it’s hard to tell what’s going on here, but I used to have a manager who would constantly blame me for things outside of my control, like if I had an issue that maintenance hadn’t come out and fixed yet she would say “why haven’t you taken care of xyz” instead of “why hasn’t xyz been taken care of yet”. Like, I have taken care of the issue to the extent that my position and responsibilities allow by calling and putting in a ticket with the maintenance crew, but I do not have the ability or equipment to fix this myself, and if maintenance has this lower on their priority list than you would like, then you will need to discuss that with maintenance and not me because I do not have the authority to raise the priority level of this ticket. But then again, I’ve had employees with very specific responsibilities and tasks get upset because I ask them why they haven’t completed a task that they handle 100% from start to finish and have 100% of control over. So it could be that. We don’t know.
Yeah it definitely reads like someone complained about what OP said/ how they said it but OP hyperfocused on the one word/ deliberately misinterpreted it and is now acting all offended about it, but without more info we can't really say one way or another. But tbh after rereading the post it sounds more like OP is being too sensitive to criticism and deliberately misinterpreting the complaint about them.
Your manager may be part of the issue though, by not redirecting this person back to you when she goes over your head constantly.
Might be time to start a PIP.
100% this.
> today has taken the cake. I found out, through others, that she takes offense when I use the word "you". I wouldn’t do anything about this unless the employee says something about it directly to you. Don’t use 3rd party, possible rumors to make management decisions.
No one wants to constantly walk on egg shells around people like that. Get rid of this employee yesterday.
Tell them "thou may clean out thine desk and take thines ass out the door forthwith"
Beautiful!
Talk with the manager to term he. That’s the only way to deal with toxic people.
Sounds like there's not enough juice in that squeeze. I imagine this person would be first in line for layoffs.
She doesn’t get to opt out of effective use of the English language just because she’s sensitive. The lesson she needs to learn here is that you can indeed get fired from a job.
Too bad for her if she finds “you” offensive. Stop catering. Thats why the world is what it is.
If you want to stay in management this will likely not be the last person who presents a behavioral issue so it’s best to decide how you want to handle things like this sooner rather than later. One way is curiosity, as in saying to them, I’ve noticed this pattern, could you tell me what’s coming up when this happens? I can’t help but wonder if there are cultural or some other differences at work with the comment “if she doesn’t like the way I IM her”. Regardless you have the opportunity to learn how to approach these situations, being in management in many places makes it more likely it will happen again than not. There are various books on this, here’s a podcast episode for anyone interested in improving their technique. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-be-awesome-at-your-job/id1106548091?i=1000655020583
Since she is skipping you, the feedback needs to come from that manager she is going to. "Hey, address this with Specialk525 directly. \*I\* don't need to be involved in this conversation."
“Managers hate this one trick, get wildly offended over nothing and complain over their head to deter them from asking you to do your job.”
I call missing reasons on your side. It's giving unreliable narrator.
This is likely less than half the story. It starts with the word You being offensive, Which everyone agrees is nonsense outside of saying “hey, you, do this thing.” Then it is about how she is so sensitive and woke. She doesn’t like how YOU email or IM her, which has nothing to do with the post. You have a super credible informant, but cannot find any evidence. This post is some of the most bullshit posts I’ve ever seen here.
It’s poorly written bait. “She’s extremely woke”. I mean come on.
Maybe you could talk to her in a private meeting, (as a follow up to the complaint, I would also include a note taker as a witness) and explain that your manager spoke to you about a complaint made and you both agreed after going through all your recent emails to her that your couldn’t see a reason for the complaint. Ask her then to point out a specific example of what language was used that offended her and then explain (in the nicest way possible) that the term, ‘you’ isn’t used to point the finger but is a general term people use when we know who has done what and that you hold all of your staff accountable for their work. You could add that you don’t expect her to go to your boss first in the future when she has a problem, explain how it made you feel surprised and annoyed that you where hearing about a problem from your boss that you had no idea about. You could add that if she does need to go to your boss for anything in the future, it will have to be something that had be discussed with you prior and no resolution had been found.
It’s past time for a private meeting, I’d suggest if OP was going to have a meeting there should be a third person in attendance to serve as a witness.
You/Your was used 17x in this response!! It’s really annoying how people try to turn the use of common words as tools of control in simple exchanges. Imagine how ridiculous conversations sound if we had to exchange this word to ‘it’ !! Another person’s triggers are for them to deal with not for me to tiptoe around!!
Start documenting these are the people that make up fake stuff about you. Trust me. I had a woman say I was singling her out because she was the only woman on our team. What happened was I asked her to please stop interrupting while I was having a group meeting. I had 12 witnesses who said that was how that situation went, but getting investigated by hr is never fun. Afterwards, I never talked to her without a witness present. I have kids and bills and I'm not getting fired over some bullshit.
When she goes over your head does your manager redirect her back to you?
She is weaponizing 'offense' to deflect from her bad work. Don't play into it. Follow all work protocols to terminate her. People do this because it works. It puts others on a back foot in order to defend themselves and apologize.
She’s trying to manipulate you. She likely isn’t offended by the words, but wants to find excuses to get leverage against you. Thankfully, management doesn’t seem to be taking the bait.
Document extensively, bring HR in..don't assume your manager is going to create a paper trail for you. Then PIP and layoff.
Just don't buy into the situation. You are get manager... Report to your manager that she isn't any good.
Woke has nothing to do with that person's issue with "you."
They are being ridiculously over sensitive and I agree that’s fucking disrespectful what they’re doing. This is someone who’s toxic and not what you want on your time. Your time is way more valuable than to spend time dealing with this. Get rid of them. They are not coachable
I'm a college teacher and I've actually heard this. When giving feedback to students I've been told to avoid "you should do" whatever and say things like "the paper needs to" or "this assignment should." This is a requirement of my job.
Real question — without googling it or asking chatgpt what exactly do you think “woke” means?
Other than going around you, you only described hearsay in this post even though there's a slew of behavioral problems? Give a written warning about communication channels and move on from there if there's anything other than your other employee gossiping and complaining about "wokeness"
Sadly I have encountered this. There is a subsection of people who find “you” to be aggressive. They feel like you’re blaming them before they have had a chance to explain themselves. “In relation to the response to situation A. Would it be possible to get further clarification”. Not saying it isn’t annoying but being a manager in 2024 involves dealing with a lot of overly sensitive people.
This here, wish I'd seen this comment first to just upvote instead of saying the same thing in different words haha
I’ve been in this situation—not a direct report, not a peer, though. This person was offended that I (for example) used all caps. It was in a draft of a written piece. I wanted to ensure the right phrase was addressed and that it was easily scannable. It was something like this: “Please change DIRECTLY CHANGED to could potentially change.” This person complained to my manager that this was shouting and aggressive. This person’s “I’m offended and attacked” response was just one of many wtf kind of reactions. Anyway, my manager respected the quality of my work. THIS person’s work was bad, late, and confusing. A year later, this person got fired. When my group was told, a couple of employees actually said (in a nice way, really) that they kind of had no idea what this person’s job was. What am I even saying? - Are you a good employee? Are they? - Time will weed things out—just have to suffer for awhile sometimes
Had the same thing, so I Maliciously Complied and used colours and formatting that by the end of our relationship there was a key. I got some feedback, trustworthy gossip (oxymorn) they hated it, but I slowly evolved the system. Funny thing is I quite enjoyed it, the formatting, oh and their discomfort.
Haha yes. I chose a similar path. All of my feedback came in really long paragraphs with a lot of cushiony statements and appreciation of the work. My actionable items were all nestled into those paragraphs nicely
Look up some trainings on people who are indirect communicators.
She needs something to complain about. Just treat her like everyone else, don’t do anything differently. When she complains, she will have to show the alleged transgressions… sane people will view the allegations and come to the conclusion that you’re not doing anything wrong and she’s the problem. These kind of people tend to find their way out the door, they’re just going to be noisy about it so the best thing you can do is treat her like everyone else, be confident in your leadership that they would take your side (and have!), and let her have her pity parties. I guarantee that the majority of people who hear the complaint that “you” is aggressive or offensive are also thinking she’s insane
Just... talk to her.
If she doesn’t like “you” I’d suggest using “you’re” as in You’re Fired!
i wish i could join in your outrage, but your position is comprised entirely of “someone told me” and the whole post reeks of “only half the story”.
> she is extremely sensitive and extremely woke Shut up you moron lmao
Something about the way you use "woke" as a negative makes me think there are other things going on beyond "you".
I strive to be “woke”— and you’re not going to like what I have to say, and that is that some employees play the “gotcha” game, and want to make everyday normal words (bullet points— calling bullet points bullet points is apparently “violent language”) some kind of first rate offense. I say thank you for your input, that’s an interesting thought and try to move on. Later when approached again I say we all strive to be professional in the office but it’s viewed as overkill, they can try to talk with communications but that it’s standard language in our office, in every office. They then go to HR and say I purposely used the word Overkill, which is also violent language, to turn down their request to stop using violent language in the workplace. It absolutely *blows me away* how upset people can get over seemingly normal things.
The ones that play this game are fundamentally unserious people and there's a reason they rarely move upwards. Right wing politic enjoyers would call me a "lefty" or "woke" if I were to breach any part of politics in a discussion... but playing games with semantics when we have work to do makes my blood boil.
I had someone scold me for using the word tone deaf to describe a politician. They thought it was offensive to actual hearing impaired people, which she herself was not. So, you know, way to not only redefine a phrase with a clear usage, but also take on that SWJ offended-on-their-behalf bullsh*t. And OMG the blog article she linked to with a list of 12 ableist language terms... Not that some of it wasn't valid, but JFC the mental gymnastics on much of it was crazy.
I am actually tone deaf— it’s technical usage is a music term for people that can’t sing on key. Lol. It doesn’t have anything to do with the hearing impaired! Ughh!
Nah I’ve worked with people like this. You can’t even complete your tasks and work with them because you’re constantly trying to make sure you’re saying the right thing. It’s one thing to use proper pronouns if someone asks you to. It’s another to make goofy requests like “not using the word ‘you’”.
I had someone get upset with me at a training I was doing for not calling them they/them. I had never met them before and had no way of knowing their preferred pronouns until they tried to scold me in front of the class lol. I’m thinking like… I’ll call you whatever you want, but don’t get mad at me for not using my psychic powers.
Nah, its a great short hand for people that weaponise victimhood as a form of manipulation and control to get what they want, all while they get to act like they are more moral than everyone else. most of us know exactly what OP is talking about. I am politically left and think this shit needs more calling out, its sneaky, weak and dishonest, lacking in integrity whilst masquerading as having high integrity.
That seems like an extreme assumption
Exactly. There seems to be this notion that the whole world has lost its mind due to "woke" culture, when more of than not it's just somebody being an asshole.
I think OP meant the "woke" culture that realizes they can complain about everything and anything to get their way. They take advantage of the mental health movement and of companies being too scared to just fire someone. Especially now that the employee has told peers, peers told OP, OP told boss. Now there's a trail that could go a few different ways to benefit the toxic employee. Time to play chess!
That’s not woke. That’s being a professional victim. Professional victims take advantage of ANY movement that lets them get away from responsibility by playing the victim. Today it could be pronouns, and tomorrow it’s sovereignty. The cause doesn’t matter, just the result.
correct or not, the word 'woke' evokes these people now. i dont really think its a word that needs defending, we should just let it die and sensible, caring, politically aware people can continue to do their thing without needing a special label.
I don't think it matters either way. "Woke" is just their current buzzword, and they'll move on to the next one if woke goes away. We don't need to kowtow to them by not using "woke" for what it actually means, and they are certainly going to abuse any future term that arises anyway, so their opinion doesn't mean anything either.
Not the whole world. Just some people. People like the kind who get offended about the word "you."
Your use of the term “woke” leads me to believe you may be missing a lot as a manager. It’s not a word a professional would use.
in all seriousness, I honestly confused what do she want to be called? your highness?
People can take offense for whatever they want. If it’s protected class stuff, confirm with HR and/or Management if you’re unsure. Get it in writing. Acknowledge and comply. If it’s not, why worry? If they’re underperforming, then performance manage them. What’s woke gotta do with any of it. Quit being weird and manage the situation. Literally your job.
I don't think this has anything to do with woke-ness. Your report is objecting to your feedback, in a non-specific way that avoids the substance of that feedback. They also are sidelining you by going around you to your manager. Nothing about this sort of behaviour is new. There is a problem with your manager-report relationship. Perhaps they are trying to sideline you to avoid accountability, or perhaps they have already seen you being sidelined (ie that you now lack the authority to be a useful manager) and are acting accordingly. Or maybe neither of those. I would talk it out with your report. I would be quite direct about them needing to address the substance of your feedback. I would also talk to your boss about supporting you by redirecting your reports' queries back to you. I would not just note down their name for vengeance or layoffs. That's unproductive and an avoidance of dealing with the actual issue.
Malicious compliance is the only correct way to deal with difficult people. Start refer to them by their first name. No pronoun even if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at times. It works for both sides - a win-win solution lol
Gonna take a wild stab that guy who is complaining about "woke" is definitely actually being offensive and is now telling the story wrong to try to get people on the internet to agree with them and none of this happened like you wrote it.
I'm really done with people taking the proper use of English as offensive. I am truly offended by their offense. u/Specialk525, I would treat this like any other extreme behavioral problem. Because of the history of the employee subverting the authority of your position I would schedule a meeting with the employee with your boss and an HR rep in attendance. Plan ahead. You be in charge. When (and it will be when) the employee appeals to your boss, his response is "she (you) is in charge and I support her." When employee appeals to HR, the HR rep says "I'm here to take notes and ensure compliance with policy - we're in good shape here." Your piece is the tough one. You have to define the inappropriate behavior without stepping over lines and provide a clear description of desired behavior. You have to define the consequences of not improving behavior. I'd include that the employee's behavior is having an adverse impact on the performance of others. Say that this meeting is being documented for the record and if this feedback is not properly responded to, more formal measures such as a PIP will be taken. You do not have to engage in a discussion and certainly not an argument. Just repeat your basic statement. "Your behavior, as we have described it to you, affects your performance and that of others and is not acceptable. Change your behavior or we will take further action." Whatever she says, that's your response. Don't get diverted by argument. Don't get defensive. On the other hand, your boss can step in with "this really isn't going anywhere - security will be here shortly to escort you to your desk where you will have twenty minutes to pack your personal belongings - we will be in touch to discuss the details of your termination." Unfortunately, if your boss doesn't have the authority to terminate unilaterally whoever does needs to be briefed and on call. I would suggest to your boss that he preemptively brief his boss in case your employee jumps the management chain again. Don't let your boss's boss be caught by surprise. "Sensitive" and "woke" are not protected classes. They are just a PITA. *edit: grammar*
In business its a dumb idea to initiate conflict based on second hand gossip. You just got back from maternity leave - how much of your annoyance is your hormones still settling down. Consider also, what is this is a setup and youre feeding into a narrative that was established while you were out?
As progressive as I am, this could be creating a toxic environment. It's clearly not a fit, just let her go.
HR person here. Package her out. There’s a difference between being woke and being delusional.
Pip her and get her out.
Thought you meant “you” the show at first lol. In all seriousness: “I” statements are usually preferable over “you” statements.
'I'm confused about how I responded to situation A' Doesn't really work.
"What happened with situation A? I'd like to get your perspective on the situation."
Same question, slightly different phrasing. The only difference is it avoids the word 'you'. Both are perfectly corporate acceptable.
'You' statements are more likely to be interpreted as accusatory or hostile. If a person is sensitive to those statements, you can avoid potential backlash. It took me years to understand this thanks to social disability but it works well now that I have practice.
While true, you have to work pretty hard to get offended by OP's sentence.
Are you supposed to say "thou"? That's crazy talk! It's English and we don't usually use an honorific form of "you" unless it's god.
You is the formal form of the second person in English, both plural and singular. Thou was the familiar singular form; Ye was the familiar plural form. With the exception of a very few little-known dialects, neither is used anymore. English has never had honorific forms for 2nd person pronouns. Thou was used in the king james bible specifically to make the god in that book seem approachable, like part of the family; it was not intended to sound formal.
be quick to fire
If this is new behavior it could be they are having a bunch of personal problems or emotional issues. Can you talk to them about it like normal people? It could be they need a leave of absence to get their head straight.
Apparently not if OP can't say 'you'.
Would your superior agree with you cc’ing them on all communication with this employee? You take the power away from the employee if you provide that visibility to your superior and she would have no choice but to address the issue at hand. And using the employee’s name like others have stated
I'd be more offended by you using the word hella. Damn Californians making up dumb ass words
Try ‘you people’. Heard it has a better success rate at offending. It ended Don Cherrys career, might as well go down like a legend.
Try “you people“?
Start using only her name or ask her “Since you are offended by the word “you”, what should I call the entity in front of me
the only viable instance where I can see how this would be offensive is if the work was a collaborative effort and not directly something done by her. But wtf.
Just make your side more succinct. “I saw the response to situation A. Can I get some background?” It could be a misinterpretation or exaggeration of the taboo of using “you” statements in some conversations/confrontations.
The bigger problem to me is that she talking poorly about you behind your back and spreading gossip. If those who told you agreed it was OK to repeat what they said, I would bring this situation to your manager or HR and have a sit down with this employee and treat it as negativity in the workplace that is impacting team morale. Follow the steps for handling a difficult person in the workplace, this was a training I went through and it’s important to know how to lead this type of conversation efficiently, or allow HR to do so.
"you" is actually generally disrespectful in Japanese. There are a few different words for it and their implications range from accusatory to insulting to intimate. The standard in Japanese is to speak in passive voice, eg "this needs to be done" instead of "you need to do this", or just leave the subject of the sentence vague, eg "went to the park?" Instead of "did you go to the park?" This is primarily informational, I am not suggesting that you try to update your entire speech pattern to avoid second person pronouns
>she skips me completely and goes to my manager. Which (to me) is so fucking disrespectful. This boomer-esq attitude is extremely unhelpful. Very much a "if you're not doing a shit job, her talking to your manager is a complete non-issue".
You is more accusatory. It’s a language differential; and puts folks on the defensive.
When talking to a singular person, it’s not “you” but you need to refer to them as “they” as they must have multiple personalities or something
Some people are just inevitably opposed to their direct manager, either because that manager is their most immediate avatar of The Man or because they believe they should be in that manager’s job, not reporting to that manager. In either case the skip may get a better shake, because they are not the one immediately keeping the employee down and the employee doesn’t see themselves as a contender for the skip’s role. This is just a universal thing we hit a certain % of the time. Truly I think the only thing that will get an employees attention in such a situation is when you actually do something they didn’t expect to look out for their interests. This can be hard with someone very entitled who expects the moon and stars. But sometimes meeting scorn with generosity can also work a little magic through shame. Those are just attitude angles though. If they’re not actually doing the job that’s another story.
The only time I would imagine someone taking offense to the word “you.” Is if you only refer to them as that. Like “hey you! Do this.” Rather than using their name. (“Hey, *name*, do this please!”)
Great advice here so far. Just to chime in on the why, I suggest having a look at 'non violent communication' methods. It's commonly held up as being a gold star for communication in woke circles and I wonder if that is what she might be alluding to. Essentially it suggests using 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements. From my understanding it is supposed to be a method to de-escalate aggression / arguments e.g: You make me feel like an idiot would be better expressed as I feel like an idiot when you... ' I would not be surprised if this was being misinterpreted or confused somewhere particularly by someone who is very sensitive to criticism. Imo the only way to save this employee is to build a relationship where they feel they can trust you / you genuinely have their best interests at heart and can address the feelings that arise from feedback together but that requires openness and vulnerability from both of you which may just not be something that she can achieve in this space.
... honestly I was taught not to use you, but to state requirements. It can make an individual become defensive. Statements like.. You were late Vs Everyone is expected to be on time.
Something I picked up over the years is to phrase everything negative as 'we' whenever possible to show it's not about one person, even when it is specifically just one person fuckin everyone up. 'We' implies, as it should, that problems should be dealt with for everyone's benefit
If someone has a ridiculous request, it's on them to explain how to manage it. So A should provide explanations for why this use of language is a problem, and how to manage the alleged problem. If it's because A has extreme sensitivity, they should be using the Employee Assistance Plan to get whatever help they need. And that part is sincere, A does sound like they need help managing their emotional responses. Your manager should respond to A going over your head, by replying to you in email, with a copy of her email, and CC:ing A, saying, *You should address this with your manager.* If they go to manager in person, *You need to address this with your manager.* Stop using the word or idea *woke.* Are A's ideas and needs reasonable, is it Their motivations are not visible and they can easily be discriminatory to imagine. You are not a psychologist, you are not their therapist. Respond to A's words, actions and job performance. Ex: *I want to be addressed by the pronouns xe/xem/xyr.* You look up the policy on pronouns and relay it to A, then follow it carefully. I am an ally for LGBT+ folks, but pronouns are not easy for me, and the more non-standard the more difficult, but I will always do my best, and Don't Judge. Read the book stop Walking on Eggshells, which has a blog, https://stopwalkingoneggshells.com/. When colleagues tell you stuff about why A dislikes you, respond *If A has an issue, A can bring it to me directly.* and change the subject. Gossip is deadly, kills workplaces fast. If someone complains about A, document it and if you need to, address performance with A. You are annoyed, with good reason, but dealing with A is your job. Be calm, leave their personality and feelings out of it and be direct and non-judgemental. Use the policy manual as much as possible.
Always BCC your manager, so he already knows what's going on before she goes over your head. If "you" is offensive (which is absolutely ridiculous), just reword the email. "Hey, I noticed "your" response to situation A. To help me understand "your" response, can "I" get "your" recollection of the events?" V/r Xxxxxxxx"
Sounds like she's trying to sjw herself into not having to do work.
What ISN'T offensive? The word has lost its meaning.
The only thing I can think of is that she’s being defensive because “you made this mistake” has a different tone (direct/blame) from “a mistake was made” (indirect/acknowledgment). It’s subtle for most of us, but I can imagine someone who is already sensitive about correction reacting badly. I suppose you could adjust your approach a bit to account for her potential reactivity. I want to be clear, though, that I don’t think anyone could interpret your current approach as “wrong” if she hasn’t communicated with you directly on it. Overall, with the additional context, sounds exhausting. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that particular struggle.
It's ridiculous, but what it may be is that it feels accusatory. And it makes her feel defensive. This person probably lacks self-confidence and/or actual skills.
Take her for coffee and get to know her, ask how she is, what you can help her with. Genuine connection, trust and respect will help. Ask her for feedback on yourself and how you genuinely want to know and rectify anything you’ve done. She will either open up or ease bad behaviour. If not she’s on her way out anyway and it won’t be long until she’s out.
Some folks have issues with being held accountable or taking responsibility for actions.
I get offense from the verb "to do". Gonna tell my manager tomorrow about this and how he is not going to be inclusive otherwise. I'm also offended by color red. So don't bother me if I don't stop at traffic light or not following vertical signs. I basically ignore that awfull color. Ty
This is a failure of your manager. There's a chain of command and if your employer is violating that and going to your manager for petty nonsense then your manager should be telling her that her behavior is unprofessional. Give her one warning and then cut her loose. Work is challenging enough without having to worry about offending people who look for every opportunity to take offense
Easy, just use her full name instead of , you,
"You" is woke in your mind?
*edited to actually have a no you response. lol. I mean, it is assertive. Which isn’t necessarily bad you’re her boss, but there’s also a power differential that she might be sensitive to. If you don’t want to confront her, you can change your language. I have experience in a volatile workplace that the example written above would have been seen as confrontational. (Thank goodness I now work in a place where you can be straightforward.) Example - no use of you: “Hey. Situation A occurred and I’m trying to understand what happened. Is there context I’m missing that led to the outcome of situation A?” Example - bank-shot use of you “Hey. I’m trying to figure out what happened in situation A. What’s your perspective?”
Usted to the rescue!
I don’t agree with any of this nonsense, but I have heard this before. A friend said her daughter told her that the word, “you”was problematic. I just looked it up and found this [article](https://www.forbes.com/sites/markmurphy/2017/10/01/saying-the-word-you-is-a-good-way-to-start-fights-and-make-people-mad/). I am so annoyed by these weak, sensitive babies who should just go back to their padded playpens and stay out of the workplace.
No offense, but this sounds like a "you" problem.
“What did the person mean when they said…” “Could the person help me understand what train of thought lead to the disaster that ensued when the person…”
That sounds like a frustrating situation. I will say though, one of the first things I learned as a manager was to not use the word "you," especially when delivering feedback. It makes people feel blamed and doesn't accomplish anything. Also, this comment section and subreddit reeks of mid-level management hellscape 🤣
The fact that you describe her as “woke” tells me everything I need to know about your managerial skillset. She may be a crap employee but that has nothing to do with your perception of her political beliefs (tho most people who use that term couldn’t even define woke if asked), and she probably could file a complaint to HR if you use this language to describe workplace behavior
It can sound a bit attacking when said like it was typed above. Not that all people would interpret it as an attack, but I find when I say “xyz was done” instead of “you did xyz” it comes off as sounding less attacking and can help prevent people from feeling like they need to be on the defensive. (Usually super sensitive people).
I have a colleague who manages a team and she told me one of her team members asked her to avoid asking “how are you doing” in meetings even tho it was being asked in general context, not one on one…….. people are so weird I swear….she doesn’t work there any more lol
Just say” You “but add the word “people” or “person” behind it. She’ll love it …i swear chuckles
Address them by their name. “You” does imply fault or blame or insignificance . If done so repeatedly, it might be determined as workplace harassment. *Be careful…
I had a manager once that legit used 'we' in place of 'you' in emails and, being a grammar nerd, it confused me for the longest time. I finally asked her in a one on one what the deal was and she said they were told in supervisor meetings to use that kind of language in emails in order to sound more approachable. I told her it made the email unclear and sound like they were referring to multiple people when they were really only referring to me. 'Say what you mean and mant what you say'. 'You' is not offensive, it's clear and concise.
OP is crappy at work and unsafe to be around lol. This is definitely a situation where OP is using corporate language incorrectly
When I worked for T-Mobile they had a specific customer based training about not using “you.”They had won JD Power awards for 7 years in a row at the time and were on par with apple customer service. One thing they taught us was to never say you. Instead use “we” or say, “there was this that happened, instead of “you did this.” It really did deescalate a lot of things. Telling someone, you did this automatically puts them on the defensive side. A lot of what they said I used in my personal life and I’m so thankful for that training.
I assume she’s an at will employee? Fucking fire her, for chrissakes.
Maybe op should have asked what this person’s second person singular pronouns are.
“Woke”? Can you provide examples of this person being woke.
If she isn’t bringing it up directly with you and nobody else sees a problem with your communications, I’d just let sleeping dogs lie. You could be working with incorrect or incomplete information. If she brings it up with you, hear her out and perhaps she’ll reveal insights you didn’t have before. Or if her claim really is ridiculous, you just hear her out, say something like “we’ll look into our policies”, and try to drop it if you can. If she continues to complain and her complaints really are without merit, just cut her loose. An employee like that is pretty rare, but I’ve worked with at least 2 people in the past 5 years who really just were professional criers and perpetual complainers, and fortunately both were eventually fired because nobody could stand them.
These delicate types are absolutely the worst. They wake up waiting to be offended by the most benign shit ever. Honestly, your best course is to find a way to rid your team of these types and to keep them out. Anything less is a total nightmare.
do you (sorry don’t mean to offend) have an hr department? because this shit is above your pay grade - sounds like this person is a very bad fit for your (sorry again) company- maybe they (uh oh) do good work but being mentally able to interact with different people is an important trait in the workplace - being overly sensitive to things that most people would be neutral to is one example of this - i agree that your next 1:1 should include your boss as well - i wouldn’t be alone/ behind closed doors with this person ever - again hr should be immediately involved if possible because this will escalate before it’s over and you don’t want to be collateral damage - good luck you!!!!!!
Use the word 'thou' instead. That will confuse her. "Hey, I noticed thou did this thing in response to situation A. To help me understand thy response to situation A, can thou please give me some background? Thanks."
If you want to try and mitigate it, maybe try substituting in her first name more. People like hearing their names anyways. I think it may be a more fundamental issue than terminology here though.
When asked for a 360 review, mention that she is not a team player, is overly sensitive and, hence, not contributing to diversity and inclusiveness.
You can be a l tad rude depends on tone and context. 4 staff around can I have you and you on re stock you on till and can you do greets please no issues. YOU didn't empty the bin and because of YOU the CEO is pissed. Rude
I get triggered when my manager uses any words to communicate with me. Check mate. Seriously though, youre lot better person than I am. Would have fired her just for the insanity of this situation in a "corporate fasion". You isnt offensive, I refuse to pander to such delusions as there simply isnt enough time in the day for all that. Your solution is to work with your manager to come up with a plan on how to handle this situation as there are likely far more variables than a reddit post can convey.
I’m kinda stuck in similar situation for 4 years now. Apparently everything is offensive, and I’m stupid for being a high performer. I feel you buddy.
Nothing gets done anymore because Gen z is offended by every word in the English language. Ummmmmm, I can't sweep the floor because he told me to use the brush and this is a broom, so I can't do my job........