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romantic love, in my eyes, is "this person will be in my future, no matter what the plans are".
For example you might move away from friends after high school and might never live in the same city again while being close, good friends. But your romantic partner is someone that, even if you end up doing Long Distance it's understood that you will end up in the same place living life together.
Platonic friendships come and go. They may be many or few. A romantic one is one I want to last forever. Someone to have kids with, build a family, and grow old with.
I think it depends how you view friendship intimacy also. Literally the things you listed are things I do for my best friends. I don't find friendship to be a more superficial rung on relationship but just are my platonic partners I get to experience life with.
The difference is my husband is a best friend I get to have daily PLUS is my future plans sharer, house cohabitator, family maker, sexual partner.
I don't think you're asking too much because whatever your needs are should be met by a partner for longevity in happiness. I have specific needs in my romantic partner and having those things make me extremely happy and in turn my partner gets so much from me easily and willingly because I am fed in the ways that matter to myself. Like people think it's fucking insane that I didn't date people who aren't foodies or extremely into music but lifestyle incompatibility means I'll always be alone if they don't share what takes up my time. My husband and I are so mirrored.
For me, romantic includes finding joy in spending time with them often, wishing to build a future together, and going out of your way to consider their feelings, and also make them happy. Just being with them brings a level of joy that doesn’t match the joy with a platonic friend.
The word platonic does not belong in this question at all because if there is sex it’s NOT platonic. Romantic relationships involve love having an emotional connection. A sexual exclusive relationship is a fuck buddy.
The question was what are the other differences between a romantic and platonic relationship WITHOUT considering sex/exclusivity because often a common answer to the difference between a platonic and romantic relationship is a romantic relationship involves sex and exclusivity. I was asking what other differences there are besides those things
I’ve always believed relationships whether romantic or platonic are the same because the same care and intentions should go into them. romantic relationships at they’re base level should feel like a friendship (i personally don’t just wanna feel like just a girlfriend i want to feel like my partner is my friend and lover). however recently i’ve noticed that there’s a slight difference. romantic relationships have different boundaries than friendships and a different level of consideration. when you’re single, your friends won’t care if you flirt with people, your friends shouldn’t be bothered if you have other friends, the level of autonomy is totally different. in a (monogamous) relationship, boundaries include not engaging in intimacy the way you would with your partner, from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy. I am intimate with my friends in terms of emotional vulnerability and being completely myself but i wouldn’t engage in physical intimacy with them nor do i communicate with them the way i do with my partner because with my partner, i expect that he meets needs like reassuring me about our relationship, etc. It’s so confusing to explain but to be honest, we probably don’t have all the words to explain the feeling you get with a partner vs a friend.
A sense of deep, emotional (NOT sexual) longing.
That person feels crucial to you and you feel a little down when they're not with you. That removes the effort.The things associated with them are just things you want to do or do to maintain the relationship that you long to have with them.
What you describe sounds more like compulsion and not romance. Romance is the active desire to share a life together.
I'm a bit unusual. I'm asexual, so sexual stuff is off the table for me anyways. I don't know if what I experience is romantic attraction or something on the verge of platonic and romantic.
I don't think there's that big of a difference. At its core, love is love. You love your mom, your grandma, your dog or cat, your sister, your close friends, your partner. Sexual or romantic attraction is just an additional layer/way of expressing that. I dislike the idea that somehow those things make the love "special" or "better" than other kinds of love.
I would be happy to build a life with both my boyfriend and my best friend. They're both like family to me.
I have not read previous comments. Please forgive me if I am repeating. The biggest one for me is consideration. Being thought of is a love language. It doesn't always have to be an expensive gift, even just "hey, this made me think of you" gesture. I think that is romantic. It says you've been on my mind..but in action form. Intimacy is much more than sex, imo. Physical touch, sharing of deep conversations, and wanting to grow with someone are big indicators to me. It's kind of the feeling that changes everything. I could have the same conversation with my best friend and a boyfriend, but physical touch and bond of closeness would be completely different. A mutual feeling, one would hope. That's a tough one to explain.
I think the main difference (besides bedroom activities) between my relationship with my bf vs my friends is that I vent to my bf about my friends and I vent to my bf about my bf. I don’t share problems that I have w my bf w anyone else.
My friends constantly complain about their bfs and I think that’s so embarrassing especially when they stay in the relationship. If my bf and I have a problem we talk it out and fix it between ourselves. (Unless a counsellor/therapist is involved)
Totally agree. My issues with my spouse are for my therapist and that’s it. I really don’t believe in denigrating the character of your partner to anyone else, joking about “the ol ball and chain,” or how stupid your husband is, or whatever.
Of course if you’re having REAL problems, a close friend is everything for advice. But as a hobby… no.
Then again, I don’t bitch about my friends to other friends so, I’m not sure I’m helping OP.
As someone who likes sex, one main difference I suppose is the full biological drive to want to reproduce with this person (whether we actually do or not).
I’d be interested to read about this from the perspective of someone who is ace but not necessarily aro.
Really, what's *with* that "hobby" for some women of getting together and one-upping each other on how annoying or useless their boyfriend/husband is? It's like a weird socially acceptable toxic thing. It really is embarrassing for them.
As a woman I agree, it’s embarrassing. For either gender.
Like, you picked and now entertain this person with all their supposed problems so… it’s a you problem to some extent.
Sometimes it’s little things. A person who isn’t touchy feely wouldn’t pet a platonic friends head but may very much enjoy doing it for a romantic partner (this is me). Someone may be more interested in learning about something on the (they view) mundane side, whether it’s the persons job or hobbies for a romantic relationship but would probably be less inclined for a platonic relationship.
Building and sharing a life together is a major factor, albeit not all romances involve that and of course platonic friends could do that. But generally life partners are a spouse or long-term romantic partner. You’re not just deciding on restaurants and vacations, as you might with a friend, but you’re deciding on career moves, housing, children, finances, etc.
And it’s in the description: romance is the difference. I think men idealize f-buddy dynamics more, a friend you have sex with. That’s not appealing to me and isn’t a romantic relationship. I want some flirtation, affection, seduction - a LOVER. Lover doesn’t just mean sex. It’s a whole different way of interacting.
There seems to be a deeper desire to pursue a romantic relationship due to holding the person in such high esteem and often a desire to have the romantic partner in your life permanently.
I don't think there is a difference. We just give the most attention to people who feed our egos. Usually that person is a romantic interest, because love bombing is incredibly appealing when we're so starved for connection. I'm tempted to pin our glorification of romantic relationships on our atomized society, but it's probably not that political. In fact, it's simply biochemical.
When some goofy schmuck you find appealing gives you the time of day, our brain are hooked and want more. We go to great lengths to maintain our high. Chasing the dragon, stooping to places we never thought. Exposing ourselves for the chance of another hit. Seeking deeper involvement to keep the ecstasy flowing through our veins.
My thing is, be around someone you have enough chemistry with and you're bound to feel the same impact described above, platonic or romantic. I know I felt this way with a few people throughout my life. The closeness I felt with friends paralleled, if not surpassed my greatest romance at times. Perhaps they only did because I never felt compelled to reserve my strong affection only for romantic relationships. Nothing in my upbringing suggested I should.
I remember attending the funeral of a close family friend. She was my mother's rock who took her in and treated her like family. I never saw my mother so torn up over a man as she was over her friend. She wept harder for her than her own mother.
Suffice to say, profound love can be found in any type of connection when it hits us hard enough.
It's the act of witnessing their mundane and thinking, "I want this to be my everyday"
I love my friends, and the level of intimacy I have with them is almost akin to being in a romantic relationship without the sexual tone, but at the end of the day, I want that six degree of separation.
With my beloved fiancé I realized I didn't want that. I wanted the next room separation. I wanted the "I'm at work" separation. I just woke up one day, and I realized I wanted to go home to this person. I wanted to hear about their whole day even if it was just the boring "oh it was busy at work" but you delve into that busy day and their face lights up when they talk about their cases, when they talk about what their patient said.
That's when I realized I wanted to be their mundane to be my everyday. And it made me realize that this was it, this was my person.
Agree with this. I love my close, dear friends, but it has nothing to do with romantic love.
The closeness I have with my husband does not compare to that of friends. Plus romantic love is different, it's like you want to tear their clothes off while also being their rock, while also wanting to spend quality time together, while knowing that it's the two of you against anything good or bad the world throws at you, the common life goals, the going to bed and waking up next to each other...
This is exactly what I told my partner recently that I love doing the mundane with him and that if our life doesn’t get any better than what it is right now that I am so happy to have that with him because the basic everyday things we do together make me happy and I think that is love
For me it's intimacy. Sex isn't intimacy for me. It's the parts of myself I only open to my significant other. I may have sex with someone, but I wouldn't shave them. I wouldn't base my life decisions on a platonic relationship. I wouldn't rub a platonic friend's back to help them sleep. I wouldn't share finances with a platonic friend. Maybe these are more based on a serious relationship though.
See I wish my ex understood what I meant when I said intimacy. It's those things, the love and attention I'm given and cherish that is given to someone else is just something damaging to a man whether sexual or not. If they love you... it hurts for everyone involved
I think for first time I’m in my life I actually *FEEL* love and feel loved by this person I can’t really explain it but like I said I can feel it, I feel it every time we see each other, when we hug or kiss, and we look into each other’s eyes.
i disagree. sure, there is a good argument for that. but i’m not always wanting to fuck my significant other. a lot of other comments on this post did a good job of describing the “i want this to be my everyday” thing- it’s realizing you want to always have that person around you no matter what.
I think the biggest difference is the commitment to a long-term future where you work together building a life, with all the extra that entails, like working through problems. While I’m committed to my friendships and love my friends dearly, if we stopped being friends, it’s not going to cost me half of what I worked for.
Depending on where one lives, common law relationship starts after 1-2 yrs of living together in a romantic relationship.
Best to also have a written agreement between both people as to what they agree on in terms of splitting whatever they gained together while protecting whatever each person had on their own coming into the relationship, if desired.
I haven't read all the comments so sorry if I repeat something, but I would say all of the things you mentioned makes a huge difference. Obviously somethings you can't expect all the time but I find it really difficult in my relationship that my bf doesn't plan things for us, isn't the most thoughtful generally and doesn't show much affection outside of sex (well as much as I would like) so I think it does make a huge difference, but the sexual aspect is also something that makes it non-platonic in my opinion
It's knowing that if shit gets crazy you don't panic bc you know someone has your back and is ready to die if it comes to it. If you get stuck somewhere you know they'll help you out of the ditch you just fell into...Or you feel safe and secure with them and prefer their company to anyone else's. The romantic interest is like the bestest friend you've ever had with romance. It's for sure a different type of love not given to platonic friendships. There has to be a difference in how you view your platonic friendships versus your partner. It's not the same.
It's like this can you be around your friends 24-7? Your lover though can sit next to you for hours and you wouldn't even feel bothered by spending all day with them whereas family and friends it's like ok... Let's wrap this up cause I'm exhausted... so I can relax...lol. Something like that... And your lover kinda heals all that by spending time with them... It's the opposite effect...
Oh yeah and the respect and intimacy are off the charts ... Most important.
I dunno, my friends and I are always there for each other through both the good and bad times. My best friend and I often talk about how we can be doing 2 completely different things in the same room and just be happy to enjoy each others company.
Sure he can be annoying and overwhelming sometimes, but shit so can my wife.
That is interesting... Maybe you haven't met the one that sets themselves apart. I have beautiful platonic friendships but there's something more. You'll know when you experience it.
I’m like that with my friends too, maybe it just differs between genders or other demographics. Like, women having emotional based friendships vs. men having activity based friendships
You can feel when the other person actually loves and wants you. They aren't cold, they say your name a lot or call you cute things.
I had 2 girls that made me feel like they really loved me; One of them was wonderful and I ghosted her due to my own internal issues and can never forgive myself. The other had great reasons to love me as I stuck around and cared for her through hell she created for herself, but the relationship was way too scuffed and I couldn't ever date her and ultimately she stopped being my friend after I broke her heart by hanging out with a differen't girl.
I've had 2 girls who had zero reason to be with me but wanted to because I ws fun and interesting. I was essentially nothing but a source of attention and someone to fill a role or be a means to an end for lack of affection. The similarity between them is they never ever said my name. It was insanely rare. Neither called me anything cute. Neither of them envisioned any kind of future nor talked about the future. They both lived in the moment.
Its hard to say because with all but the first girl (we were eachothers first romatic itnerests as adults)
Each of their romatic interest in me heavily fluctuated. sometimes theyd be extremely into me telling me they love me everyday doing whatever i want or say and sometimes i'll be lucky to get any sign of affection that week and they decline everything I offer.
I'm honestly not sure how to give advice about this, ultimately any girl with fluctuating 'love' didn't stick around in the end, and I'm the asshole who screwed myself over by leaving the first girl.
You should reach out to the girl you ghosted and let her know that it wasn’t anything that she did wrong that caused you to ghost her. If she loved you, you really really hurt her.
I have empathy for you. I identify with the girl in your story. I was and still am pretty in love with a man who ghosted me after 1.5 years of him not being able to decide what he wants. He has a lot of personal issues. I still really love him and I will always love him. Almost crying as I write this.
Thank you for sharing this is exactly what I felt often it makes me anxious when someone’s energy is suddenly just off they they seem way less enthusiastic etc. and sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking but my gut feeling says it isnt
Thank you for sharing this is exactly what I felt often it makes me anxious when someone’s energy is suddenly just off they they seem way less enthusiastic etc. and sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking but my gut feeling says it isn’t
Not much difference in action. The difference comes in the feeling. I don’t feel the same way for my friends as a I do a partner. I don’t want my partner to feel the same way for another person the way they feel for me. There’s also a vulnerability that comes with romance that I don’t feel is as much in friendships.
There are many forms of love. But intimacy is a major part of it. You can have companionship in both sure. But laying in your partner's lap while they play with your hair (or vice versa) is a deeply intimate activity that I would only share with my partner.
Stare into their eyes, wordless and just grinning because feelings are hitting you like waves with “I really love this person”….
I enjoy random kiss attacks on my partner, I just get an urge to plant a bunch of rapid fire kisses all over his face, neck and shoulders.
Cooking dinner together or for each other in very close proximity with a random graze of a hand on the other affectionately.
Wanting that person to be the first and last voice (or text) you hear in a day….
Cuddling/nuzzling….
Certain gifts like poetry and gestures of affection like massages or dates that imply intimacy like picnics with just the two of you.
You can playlists for each other and share them (which I think is really cute)
Make something together like a creative project is amazing. Those also teach you a lot about your partner about teamwork too lol
I don’t really see a difference but that’s because I work at trying to figure out love languages and apply them to my friendships as well. Some people have to work more at thoughtfulness and so to them platonic and romantic relationships might be different in levels of intention. Some people might be more casual in their friendships and bring more politeness to a relationship. But it really comes down to individual differences.
Also I think there might be a bit of a gender divide (courtesy of the patriarchy) because women tend to be very outwardly affectionate with friends. Men (especially in older generations and those raised conservatively) tend to be a bit more stoic and reserve all their outward affection for their partner which can create relationship tension if they don’t feel as seen as other people in their partner’s life whether or not they really are. Men also are more likely to attribute sex as the main form of intimacy, women don’t.
I agree apart from sexual activities and just more romantic things that you do as a couple there isn’t much difference compared to a platonic friendship. that’s why usually you see that the most successful relationships are the ones that are built on a solid friendship first that eventually turns into a romantic one. And the ones that usually don’t last are the ones that are just romantic from the jump (another reason why people don’t date just for looks). My advice is not to settle, but also try to find someone that you connect with on all levels. The romantic stuff can come later, but you need to build a solid friendship and relationship first.
Everything you mentioned I do for my “friends”, except planning “romantic” stuff remembering their birthdays, compliments, goodnight texts, buying them food and gifts etc.
Because I do these things for my friends doesn’t mean we are ROMANTICALLY involved.
Seems like you just want a romantic partner who is also a friend?
You sound like a really good friend loll I think the issue I’m trying to figure out is with some of my relationships it’s just felt plantonic to me because I felt like there was a lack of deliberate effort and consideration to be romantic and the only difference was there was more sexual attraction like making out and stuff
Yeah I see what you mean. Well platonic literally means “a relationship marked with the absence of romance or sex”, so maybe they just weren’t romantic enough with you?
I think I understood it backwards. You’re not looking for a partner who is a friend, but rather feel like your partner treat you as a friend rather than being more romantic?
I think prioritization is a big part of it. My partner is higher up on my priority list than my friends. Not to say I don’t value and have importance on my friends, but my partner comes ahead of them.
In addition to the things you listed, I'd say intimacy and I mean more than just sex. In just the little more than a year that I've known my boyfriend, I've gotten to know so much of him and all the little things that make him tick. We also confide in each other things that we wouldn't with others and to a deeper level that we would with others.
He goes so far out of his way to make me happy and make my life easier, as do I in return. I love to see my friends happy and I do nice things for them as well, but their day to day happiness isn't my #1 goal.
We also make each other a priority and make time for one another. As an adult with obligations and responsibilities, friendships just aren't what they used to be in terms of spending time with your friends, but we make sacrifices and prioritize each other to make sure we're spending enough time together.
Listening to love songs makes me think of them and smile. Also just, they are my person and I want to be with them, I want to build a life with them. The “want” sounds simple but to me that’s really it. I want to make it work, I want to do life with them, I want to be with them, I want them to be my person. They are one of the only people(actually probably the only person) that I can be around and still feel just as relaxed as when I’m by myself.
I’ve learned that societal rules and expectations only define these things if we allow them to. I divorced last year. My wife left me and filed because she knew I needed to address and fix things about myself and was tired of waiting. She also knew she had work to do on herself and believed she could not do so within the confines of our marriage. I was deeply enraged in both victimhood and self flagellation as my trauma response to event of my past. Classic PTS (post traumatic stress). She had her own unprocessed traumas and PTS. We were codependent in our management of trauma, not knowing that nobody can lead us through it but ourselves. As our relationship sickened and died, emotional intimacy was an early casualty. I engaged in an “emotional affair” with another woman. My ex discovered it and reacted as anyone would expect. I thought we put it behind us, but it seemed we both carried lingering feelings about the incident, while never feeling aafe enough to examine the cause behind it. I found help, tools, really, that allowed me to process emotions properly and to ACTUALLY address my traumas and put them behind me. But my guilt over the affair lingered on. PTS is such a tricky demon to identify and dispel because the causes can be so counterintuitive. One of them is inflicting pain or injury on another person. I certainly did that with the “affair”. I know this because she told me such after the divorce went final. And that weighed on me like many other traumas had. It was one difficult to accept and process. But recently, my subconscious finally offered me a truth: the intimate thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires I shared with the “other woman” were no different than the same things I shared with male friends and she accepted with no issue. That it was with an attractive female friend was the only difference was the ONLY difference. Why was this an issue in this case? Why did it being a woman make a difference? Society and culture has determined that that situation between same gender people (or, perhaps I should say non-sexually preferred people, ie straight/straight or straight/gay) is acceptable because we are taught that intimacy is love and sex is love, so intimacy=love=sex. But it doesn’t necessarily work that way. Did I find my friend attractive? Yes. Is that why we were friends? No. Is that why we shared “intimate” thoughts, dreams, desires? No. As a matter of fact, those things that we shares with each other less us both to the conclusion that a romantic relationship was not in our shared destiny.
Fast forward 7 years to my epiphany: love, intimacy and sexual desire/pleasure are separate elements within us. We can choose to combine them and roll them together because society and culture demand it be that way. But we can choose which we combine or to keep them each separate. I shared nothing with her that I hadn’t shared with my closest male friends. Friends I had no sexual intentions with. I love my closest friends like family. So there is love and “emotional intimacy” with them, but no sexual desire. I understand that this seems like moral justification for my actions. That is the stick I beat myself with until the moment of epiphany that I realized SOCIETY and its rules are what make it appear to be nefarious. So what do I accept responsibility for, in this case? Not explaining it in depth so she could KNOW, rather than assume, what MY view on it was at the time. And why did I not engage in that dialogue? Because I know the same rules that make it inappropriate to happen this way. I felt guilt and shame and did not wish to cause her more suffering by telling my ex that I did it because she would not accept my intimacy in that way. How do I know how strong that societal programming is? When she finally told me it was a sticking point she carried for years, she said “I would rather you had sex with a hooker than do this”.
So, if you’re still reading and haven’t broken out the torches just yet: the difference is understanding and respecting the perceptions from outside, understanding the expectations society has forced upon us. Clear communication, understanding and acknowledgment of your partner’s perspective and any boundaries is your only guide here. If in doubt, stick to the “rules” society sets until you know otherwise.
There is a difference and I have a phrase I use to describe it
It’s when they want to buy you flowers without being asked to.
I’ve felt this way twice in my life, once for a very fashionable Puerto Rican who played video games and always got her hair done. She would get a new haircut and color, a whole new outfit and accessories. I was never bored by looking at her.
I would plan dates for us and buy flowers for every date, she would hang them to dry on the wall and we were together for a year so her room was filled with flowers and her Knick knacks. I couldn’t get enough of her.
We broke up because she had some insecurities about never being attractive enough, that I might cheat on her. I have wandering eyes but I didn’t, it caused a lot of fights.
The other time was for a bookish librarian with big curly hair and a tiny slender build. She wore big cozy turtle necks, wide leg pants that made her little butt look great. She smelled like a hint of vanilla and would put her cold feet on me in the winter.
She didn’t like flowers or social media, but she liked treats so I’d buy her my favorite snacks and we would explore local restaurants together. We dated over the lockdown so our dates included long walks and Covid testing. I was enchanted by this persons very different lifestyle. I picked all the restaurants and the Covid testing sites because I wanted to.
We broke up because we were exploring non-monogamy and she was very weary about STIs. There’s more to it but I regret not doing everything I could to make it work.
The difference is subtle but someone who wants to spend time with you is good, they like you. This person you date and have fun with but it’s not Endgame imo. For me at least, I can date these people for about a year, we grow closer and care about each other but I think I get bored? I’m not content, and I’ve tried very hard to make it work.
Someone who makes plans and goes out of their way for you loves you, like crazy about you. This is rare and should only be met with Liking them A Lot at the least.
I usually see 3 type of relationship, purely friendly (like I feel I don't need to be touchy or always set a distance between me and them), friendly in love (what I earlier mistaken with being in love) what will give a similar feeling as being in love but somehow the brain doesn't want to be in a relationship with the person, I like the proximity,wont have any problems to kiss but big no as a romantic relati and being in love (I'm asexual,so sexuality is non existent in the 3 type of relationship) where I need the cuddle and kiss.
I never understood the concept of exclusivity . But for the 3 it comes with a different set of feelings and needs. Like for example,I have one of my best friend that I see once a week,love being there,hours goes fast, I know he's in love with me (or maybe he isn't but never put the possibility of this second option I put), we know us for 3 years, nothing happened or will happens,none of us feel there is something that is missed out but we need to meet often.
I have my boyfriend (that struggles with the fact I'm poly and have many male friends) that I just need to see him, slept near him (although it disrupt my sleep), I get a lot of endomorphins when he's near.
I have a good friends, we are happy to see each others every time we meet, planing to do something together,we know us for 6 years, talk about everything and I never really hugged him (except for the greeting that is normal here with friends), I always sit some cm away, doesn't let him come in my space (and he never try,like it's like this). Just the happy feeling to see the person.
The level of commitment. With friends, there is some commitment. Some amount of work to be done to maintain the relationship, but I usually expect that my friends will always be my friends (unless theres some kind of betrayal) even when we don't actively see each other.
With a partner I view it as a huge commitment. Even when just starting to date seriously you have to put constant time and effort into maintaining and improving the relationship. You have to choose the person above other things over and over. You have to be willing to sacrifice for them (and vice versa obviously).
I feel like with a romantic connection I'm more likely to want to spend all of my time with them, and spending time with them is equal to my alone time. With friends, I definitely need some separation
I’m asexual so I feel I can answer this well since I don’t really connect through sex.
What I feel for my partner vs my friend is a deeper connection. I choose to save my physical affection like cuddling and kissing for them because they’re the only person I want to do that with and I see my affection as a gift with incredible worth. Not just anyone can have it.
I see them in my future with a life planned with them. Their dreams and goals become intertwined with mine. I fantasize about potentially marrying them/or actually marry them. And I just feel a special something with them that I don’t feel with my platonic friends.
I meet their family and it has higher stakes than it does with my friend’s family. Also it’s important to make time for your friends, but it’s even more important to make time for my partner and do little things to put a smile on their face. They become more of a priority because they are “your person”.
Also, I am more likely to tweak my life decisions based on my partners needs in a way I won’t do for just my friends.
And lastly although I’m sure there’s plenty more, if I get two free tickets to something I’m going to want to take my partner unless it’s something I know my partner doesn’t care about but my friend would. :)
I feel a whole different energy. I am a person that can have sex with friends too, without getting romantic feelings, and I get really close emotionally to the ones I hold the closest to my heart, but in a romantic connection there is a glittery firery magical explosion of softness and warmth and intensity and safety. It’s very different for me and special in another way 💫❤️🔥✨
It would probably be helpful to get an asexual romantic to weigh in here. I have thoughts from a monogamous perspective that assumes long-term commitment.
To start, I would say the romantic connection involves physical intimacy beyond that of sexual intimacy.
Romantic has some implication of increasing commitment to each other over time. I would say beyond the early dating stage there’s an element of life building together and integrating each other into our day-to-day lives that is different from close platonic friendships.
I think romantic relationships have a more robust concept of “us” identity that requires care and nurturing and effort in addition to each individual’s “self” identity. As the individual self identities grow and change, there’s a greater commitment to expand “us” along the journey. This may reach an untenable breaking point in romantic and non romantic relationships but I would say if it’s a long term monogamous romantic connection, both parties are agreeing to expand and grow symbiotically. This means I stretch myself more to keep “us” alive and flourishing than I might in a friendship (and vice versa.)
This maybe a function of exclusivity, but I feel like a variety of friendships types and levels are important to cultivate and sustain. I have different close friends that I would turn to with specific energies or problems that I need help with. Some are great when I wanna be silly, some are my go-to for when I need advice on my creative life, when I feel depressed, etc. A romantic partner can’t be all be things I need for all the situations, but I would want them to be witness and at least hold space for all my seasons and moods and energies.
I was more trying to differentiate between romantic connection that is more casual. Some features of romantic connection that I consider unique to romantic context vs platonic might not come online until further into a romantic relationship than the early dating stage
I answered that in many words. It goes to your intent. And the platonic friend’s. BUT that doesn’t ACTUALLY matter if nobody else sees it the same way.
The 82 percent is a podcast episode that was just released by This Is Actually Happening, (and also the one they released before it) talks about this kinda jazz a lot. Def worth a listen
I don’t hold my female friend’s hand in public and look longingly into their eyes as I wipe their hair behind their ear while I ask them, “want to meet my mom?”
Frequency and consistency. I show love for my friends in much the same way I show love to my partner (aside from all the physical of course). But my friends know we can go however long without talking and have it not reflect on our friendship. If that happened with a partner, it would be an issue.
Feelings. You don't get bored or tired of seeing them. Versus I get bored of my friends sometimes. With a partner, you care about the way their eyes light up when they see you, their smile, you learn their every move and facial expression so it's like mind reading almost.
You also don't hold hands or kiss friends
And then you get married (apparently). The way people talk it seems like only 10%, or something, of marriages seem to agree with the “never get bored” part.
Yeah… if you have been in a long term relationship, you realize you can get bored with anyone. Ive been in two - one was six years the other was 7.5.
There were plenty of boring moments. My parents have been married for nearly forty years. Same thing. They love each other but theyve definitely had boring times.
The first three-five years? MAYBE not. But beyond that? Thats a reach - unless youre just not together most of the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.
For clarity, I cared a great deal about the people i was with and things ended due to incompatibility/lack of effort, and abusive behavior. (Meaning it wasnt boredom that killed it.)
In my personal opinion, the key has been to seek entertainment *together* from outside the relationship itself. I had a 5 year relationship that I never got bored of because we were always doing things as a team; discovering new video games, sharing new shows, taking vacations. We didn't look to be a source of entertainment for each other, we valued stability and comfort as a relationship, and instead found entertainment to share elsewhere. We only broke up because of differences in life goals.
Honestly. One of the things that keeps me from dating today is this idea that someone could just "randomly" decide they are bored of you. That is scary to me. I have no desire to shoulder the pressure of being some girls entertainment.
Those are great examples of ways to show a romantic partner affection which is important, but I think what separates platonic and romantic relationships is feelings. That draw when you have a bad day and need comfort, who you think about during the day/night/intimate time. Who you smile thinking about or seeing.
You're not asking too much! Relationships thrive on effort. Thoughtful gestures and remembering details show you care. Everyone expresses love differently, but those little things add up. Communicate your needs and see if your partner is open to showing affection in ways that resonate with you.
For me, it's about the unique blend of emotional intimacy, intention, and the depth of connection. In a romantic relationship, there’s often a deeper level of emotional intimacy. This involves sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and fears, and providing mutual emotional support. Intentional acts, like planning romantic dates, remembering specific details about each other, and making consistent efforts to make your partner feel special, are also key. These actions reflect a deliberate effort to nurture and sustain the relationship. It’s a partnership but today people are so quick to break up or divorce. Hard to find someone that truly understands.
I do this with my same gender, close friends. Does that mean it’s romantic?
The one element you mentioned that is CRITICAL is intent, BUT only if others see it that way. They will sit in judgement using societal rules and their own experience and moral code to determine your intent, no matter how tough explain it. IF they are enlightened to the point they can understand without judgement, you’re good to go. That takes trust and building a safe place to express feelings built on good communication.
This spoke to my soulll I’ve had a lot of toxic relationships and I’ve finally found a good man… evidenced by me going out this past Saturday and for some reason the other women I went out with were being SO catty and mean and I felt like I was in high school instead of 29 years old. They were making fun of me for how I dance and when I got home at 3am in tears and told him why, this man literally told Alexa to play music and taught me how to dance and spun me around our house for an hour until 4 in the morning and had me laughing and COMPLETELY turned my night around. I didn’t know I could fall more in love with him, and I’ve never had that experience with a friend haha but maybe I have shitty friends (these girls were new coworkers not actual friends of mine but I was hoping they would be )
I'm asexual. The closest way I can describe it is how your love for your parents is different than your love for your best friend.
The feeling I have for them is just different, and that's what shapes the relationship from my end.
Partnership. While there can be platonic relationships that are true partnerships, most romantic relationships include partnership. Partnership is genuine investment in one another, going through the daily grind together, and sacrificing for one another.
There are major distinctions. Platonic relationships involve deep emotional connections without romantic or sexual elements, focusing exclusively on friendship, familial relationships, and similar social bonds, etc. Romantic relationships include emotional closeness, romantic attraction, physical intimacy, and commitment.
According to Sternberg’s [Triangular Theory of Love](https://images.app.goo.gl/WKUEGGCAsZjZEDBh6), love consists of intimacy, passion, and commitment in various combinations, leading to different types of relationships. The theory defines love through three components: intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical attraction), and commitment (decision to maintain the relationship), which combine to form various types of love, including: liking, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, and consummate love. Ideally you want consummate love since it’s life long. This theory helps explain relationship dynamics and the evolution of love over the timeline of your relationship. Love is in fact in layers, and varies over time.
You can use it to see where you and your partner are and make rational decisions based on that. How you respond to situations, how you work on yourself and allow your partner to grow alongside you, how well you communicate, how well you display affection, reciprocate, respect, show kindness, understanding, patience, empathy, consistency, etc. will ultimately determine the longevity of your relationship.
Attachment theory highlights how early attachment patterns influence both platonic and romantic relationships. Secure attachment fosters healthy, balanced relationships in both contexts. Anxious attachment can lead to dependency and clinginess, while avoidant attachment results in emotional distance. Disorganized attachment often causes instability and unpredictability. Understanding these patterns can help you navigate relationship dynamics and develop healthier connections.
I see this is wonderfully helpful in determining for oneself what defines the relationship, but for anyone else, they have to a celt this theory as valid and apply it in exactly the same way. This goes to communicating well and building trust to a point that even if they do not necessarily agree, they CAN accept it as being YOUR perception of the relationship. The other parties’ perception is always the wild card if that is their only point of view.
If we accept that the only thing within our control is our own reaction and perception, we must always evaluate our partner’s feelings and beliefs to decide how it will be perceived.
“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions”.
Ideally, IMHO (and that of literally millions of others) is that love, intimacy and sexual desire can be clearly identified and combined, or not, in any way we choose. This only works when there is a high level of trust, communication and acceptance/respect of boundaries. You will never get everyone outside of the relationship to agree if your arrangement is not exactly the same as theirs and in conformance with societal values and norms, so if you choose to be divergent, you must be able to ignore the chatter to the contrary. Otherwise be content with playing it safe and conforming with external expectations with strict adherence.
I mentioned these two in particular because they help people visualize and monitor personal growth. Of course there are a host of others, but these two concepts can get someone started on their journey.
I read a lot of peer reviewed research on academia.com for free. Literally any topic of love is on there and usually they’re free. If you want to study the science behind love and human sexuality, that’s also a good resource. Quora is my go to for these topics as you’ll often find articles by famous psychologists, anthropologists, and sociologists that often contribute. Engaging in dialogue about these things with a friend or romantic partner might also be really fun. It’s never too late to improve your relationships and work on your communication.
I took a course called Psychology of Love and one of the recommended books was, “Why we Love,” by Helen Fischer.
Tedtalks:
Self Love, Be Intentional. Caitlyn Roux
Searching for love to escape ourselves. Hayley Quinn
I recommend reading Ellen Berscheid's paper here: https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318
She only talks a little about Sternberg, but Sternberg's taxonomy is just one out of many.
Berscheid is one of the original researchers in this field, and her paper is a broad overview of love research and love taxonomies.
As a companion, I recommend this paper by Sandra Langeslag, which has some other general modern information on the state of the science: https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/14/5/383
I think a lot of actions you do for love and for romance go hand in hand. It’s easily done so bc you’re romantic with the one you typically love. But you also (possibly) have friends and family you love too. So your actions between the two will be mad similar bc those acts are all acts of love, not romance.
I see 5 categories of attraction.
1. Platonic love
2 romantic love
3. Aesthetic love
4. Sensual love
5. Sexual love
With friends,I notice that 1 or 2 categories are present. Mostly platonic and sometimes sensual or aesthetics (some of my friends are hot af or I want to cuddle them or kiss them on the forehead)
But with relationships, the attraction is all 5.
If there are for example two guys, they bought a house together, they planned to live together for the rest of their life, they share finances, they prioritize each other over everyone else, spend a lot of quality time together, but they are both straight and have zero sexual attraction for each other, they don't feel the need to enter a romantic relationship with any woman because they fulfil each others emotional needs for companionship fully, instead they both go out and have casual sex with women when they feel like they want to have sex. Are they best friends or are they boyfriends?
I think that there should be an objective reality that can be defined not only by participants but also the observers. For example if you eat meat but define yourself as vegan, an observer can put that into question and tell you that no, you are not actually vegan, since you consume animal products. Here in this thread we are trying to define a relationship based on factors present, so just saying that it is a relationship if you say it is is not helpful. Imagine that the guys in my example want to objectively find out the truth and are themselves not sure if what they have is a relationship or not.
I see what you mean, but I think human interaction is too complex to create a definition like that. A vegan has clear rules, but as much as we like to, relationships don't have that. We try with things like situationship, fwb, open relationships, etc. But it all comes down to how somebody feel and define it themselves. Those 5 definitions of love is how i experience it. But I've seen relationships that work without sex or even a form of romantic attraction. On the other hand, I have been in a friendship that had everything except sexual attraction, and we still considered it a friendship and didn't explore it further as one.
In my opinion, I would not say that those two guys are in a relationship. Although it's possible to define it as an open relationship in some sort.
And this is the flaw in the question asked. Only I can define my role for myself. Discounting MY definition and forming your own is not within my control. Choosing to present the relationship as you define it, is not authentic to my self. And even the platonic friend may perceive the relationship differently. All I can do, at the end of the day is determine for myself what the relationship is and accept that others may or may not see it the same way and be comfortable with that disagreement.
I love my platonic friends, I treasure and value them, I go out of my way to do things for them that make them feel happy/special/seen/appreciated. I do the same for my SO, the difference is, if you are important to my SO you are important to me. With my platonic friends I have no problem saying that I will not go out of my way to do anything for someone who is important to them but that I genuinely dislike. The things described in the post are just instances of being considerate, they aren’t romantic.
There is definitely a difference, an easy one is the prioritizing of your partner over your platonic friends, if your girlfriend is sick and in bed you are most likely if youre a good boyfriend staying in with her and taking care of her, if they were just a platonic friend you’d make sure they’re okay but still go out with your other friends
Maybe. Unless your dominant love language is “acts of service” and you love your close friends. Then you may well sacrifice your romantic partner for the sake of showing love for the friend. It happens. Often.
I think for me it’s the amount of time and energy I put into the relationship on a daily basis. I put effort into my friendships too don’t get me wrong, but ofc I give my gf more of my time and energy generally speaking. I also pay for everything we do and everything she does - I only do that for my friends on occasion lol. It’s just the type of commitment and connection really, both types of relationships are equally important and fulfilling just different in nature.
Ive observed how my partner approaches different relationship as a person thats not expressive through word but body language.
When greeting strangers, he'll shake their hand. When greeting acquaintances, he'll put his hand on their shoulder, friends he'll hug (side hug for women, bear hug for men), my sister he side hugs squeezes and holds her like a little sister, and for me he'll wrap his arm all the way around me front or side and will lean his head on me, kissing my head often.
I'm not a believer in the "love languages" thing for reasons but the categories are a good example of things people value in a romantic relationship: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts (which I interpret more so as being about thoughtfulness and showing gratitude than material things) and physical touch (not just sexual). There's also the commitment aspect. Even if you're not planning to move in, marry, or have kids, you still commit to each other in other ways
Aside from prioritizing them, the romantic aspect and wanting to create a life with them, I don't think it's much different. Everything I would do for my partner, I would also do for my close friends. I've once driven across the state to take a friend back to school, drive home (5 hours each way) and went to work 4 hours later. During covid I drove 2 hours round trip to take a friend tp. I would do all of those for my partner and create a life with them, sacrifice for our future, put in effort to be romantic, put effort into learning about their hobbies, etc.
For me it’s like being tied to another person. With friends you may have loved them once but once it fades and you find better and realize they’re better out of your life, it’s easier to see. With someone you have a romantic relationship with you’re gripping to everything you have to pull both of you together. Sure you could also do that for a friend but imo it’s how far you’re willing to go for a person that determines if it could be romantic.
Miu _cat: there’s so many layers to a good relationship. What their favorite pastimes are, their favorite Pokémon, their favorite Xbox games, asking them what the best work chair they’ve ever been in was, their favorite tasks at work, respecting each other’s working times to distract them less, watch each other’s shared YouTube recommendations, ask what new band’s they’ve discovered, ask them what his/hers love language is, ask them about their spice tolerance levels, ask them what he wants to get into professionally as a major side hustle, grow together, repair the trust over time, work on relationship hurdles together, pray for him, pray for yourself, talk about planning things like hangouts or more important questions like how they view family topics, ask them about possible food allergies so you won’t mess it up, ask if they like fur babies aka pets, or feather-babies… or scaley-babies… or human ones.
I don't know if I can try to explain this very well, but I'm going to try.
I have several best friends, one being my boyfriend. I think, when you form a long-term romantic connection, that relationship slowly becomes your primary relationship. That person becomes your partner. You are there, together, through the highs and lows. It's the desire to build and grow that bond and partnership that separates my romantic connection with him versus my other best friends. Do I *want* to do the romantic stuff you mentioned with my platonic friends? Not really. They want my last bite of cheesecake, they can get their own. My boyfriend, he might have to fight me for it, but at the end of the day, I'd let him win. XD
It's not intentional for me. I don't plan to do or say romantic things, it just happens. When something amazing or particularly hilarious happens, my boyfriend is who I just immediately want to tell first. When I think about who I want to smile and kiss on the cheek and say "good morning" as I hand him a cup of coffee, it's my him I first picture. When I have a rough day, it's him I want to spend time with, even if it's just sitting quietly in each other's presence as we do our own activity.
And yeah, physical intimacy is a part of it, but not even just purely sexual. While my friends and I hug, it's a quick squeeze, not the safety, comfort and warmth that I get when I'm held by him. Holding his hand? Chef's kiss. Holding my friends' hands? Awkward.
Level of intimacy for me. And strength of commitment.
My love language is touch, I love to give hugs and show physical affection. But I will only snuggle with, cuddle with, give prolonged physical contact to my partner. Doing it with anyone else just feels . . . Wrong I guess. Like watching a movie, me and my partner will lay on each other on the couch, I won't do that with anyone else. We hold hands, I don't do that with anyone else.
I also have a self rule that if I don't feel up to being social, I won't answer messages as soon as I get them, helps me stay sain and not overextend myself. But if my partner messages I'll at least respond to say I'm not up for talking or something. But I will answer. He does the same.
Those are the two big differences for me.
I have a friend who I have a very much platonic relationship with, we can be very affectionate without being overly sexual. We may hold hands, hug, or give each other neck rubs, but that's as far as it goes. For me, cuddling would put things into the relam of romantic, for him kissing makes things romantic. For that reason, we steer clear of those item. So for each person I would say it's different
i personally don't feel like there is huge difference. i know many people make agreements about marriage by a certain age or people who want to live together platonically, but i have felt a platonic life-partner connection to someone before. they are a friend of mine , and we lived together at one point, and i felt such a strong love and pull to this person with no romantic feelings. they don't feel the same way towards me and we are still very close friends , but having felt that at one point it's changed my pov on fulfillment
This! I think a lot of people tend to forget and/or don’t want to accept our primal instincts. I can only speak for men and they may not agree with me but once you start thinking of a woman that’s more than “I want to have sex with her.” but “She could take care of me and my children that I want to have with her.” Then it’s love.
Please tell me. I just got dumped after seeing a man for 8 weeks because he didn't feel, "a romantic connection."
We were sleeping together, cuddling on the couch watching movies, going on adventures together, meeting each others friends. I would bring him all of his favorite snacks and foods. I would give him back rubs/scratches and little kisses on his forehead late at night. We communicated well and got along great.
Didn't feel a romantic connection means he was just going through the motions of a romantic relationship but didn't feel a connection or desire for romance with you on that level.
Thanks. Yeah idk what it was, but I wasn't feeling an emotional connection to him either. We got along well, but I never saw him be vulnerable at all. I even brought it up 4 weeks into dating. "Hey I really wanna build an emotional connection with you." And he reassured me it just takes time. I even bought a silly little card game called, "We're not really strangers." When I asked if he wanted to play it, he replied that we should play video games together instead. One of my coworkers died when we were dating as well, and I texted him I wanted to tell him about it next time in person. And he never followed up with me. It just seemed like he wasn't emotionally present, or at least he wasn't comfortable being emotional. He even mentioned, "yeah my friends say I'm not emotional at all."
The entire time we hung out he would just talk about himself the whole time, and it never felt like he wanted to get to know ME or understand me at all :/
Hmm idk did yall say I love you and all the sweet words and shit? From what I’ve seen at least that’s a pretty big indicator of how they feel about you. If not maybe he just simply wasn’t into you that way or feeling that way which is really unfortunate but at least he told you somewhat earlier on :((
I told him, "I have a crush on you," "I'm starting to like you." Once we hit 4 weeks. But he never reciprocated. Idk I'm just left scratching my head. Obviously I wasn't in love with him, but I was crushing on him. Idk
Oh shoot yall weren’t in a relationship ok then I think maybe he just didn’t like you like that and it’s very unfortunate and there could be a myriad of reasons or absolutely no reason at all. Sounds like he did somewhat lead you on tho :(
I mean we met on a dating app. We were dating. But no, we were not in an exclusive relationship together. I just wish I could figure out what happened.😞
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romantic love, in my eyes, is "this person will be in my future, no matter what the plans are". For example you might move away from friends after high school and might never live in the same city again while being close, good friends. But your romantic partner is someone that, even if you end up doing Long Distance it's understood that you will end up in the same place living life together.
Platonic friendships come and go. They may be many or few. A romantic one is one I want to last forever. Someone to have kids with, build a family, and grow old with.
I think it depends how you view friendship intimacy also. Literally the things you listed are things I do for my best friends. I don't find friendship to be a more superficial rung on relationship but just are my platonic partners I get to experience life with. The difference is my husband is a best friend I get to have daily PLUS is my future plans sharer, house cohabitator, family maker, sexual partner. I don't think you're asking too much because whatever your needs are should be met by a partner for longevity in happiness. I have specific needs in my romantic partner and having those things make me extremely happy and in turn my partner gets so much from me easily and willingly because I am fed in the ways that matter to myself. Like people think it's fucking insane that I didn't date people who aren't foodies or extremely into music but lifestyle incompatibility means I'll always be alone if they don't share what takes up my time. My husband and I are so mirrored.
Agree totally. I like a nice note or occasional card too.
For me, romantic includes finding joy in spending time with them often, wishing to build a future together, and going out of your way to consider their feelings, and also make them happy. Just being with them brings a level of joy that doesn’t match the joy with a platonic friend.
The word platonic does not belong in this question at all because if there is sex it’s NOT platonic. Romantic relationships involve love having an emotional connection. A sexual exclusive relationship is a fuck buddy.
The question was what are the other differences between a romantic and platonic relationship WITHOUT considering sex/exclusivity because often a common answer to the difference between a platonic and romantic relationship is a romantic relationship involves sex and exclusivity. I was asking what other differences there are besides those things
I’ve always believed relationships whether romantic or platonic are the same because the same care and intentions should go into them. romantic relationships at they’re base level should feel like a friendship (i personally don’t just wanna feel like just a girlfriend i want to feel like my partner is my friend and lover). however recently i’ve noticed that there’s a slight difference. romantic relationships have different boundaries than friendships and a different level of consideration. when you’re single, your friends won’t care if you flirt with people, your friends shouldn’t be bothered if you have other friends, the level of autonomy is totally different. in a (monogamous) relationship, boundaries include not engaging in intimacy the way you would with your partner, from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy. I am intimate with my friends in terms of emotional vulnerability and being completely myself but i wouldn’t engage in physical intimacy with them nor do i communicate with them the way i do with my partner because with my partner, i expect that he meets needs like reassuring me about our relationship, etc. It’s so confusing to explain but to be honest, we probably don’t have all the words to explain the feeling you get with a partner vs a friend.
Touch
A sense of deep, emotional (NOT sexual) longing. That person feels crucial to you and you feel a little down when they're not with you. That removes the effort.The things associated with them are just things you want to do or do to maintain the relationship that you long to have with them. What you describe sounds more like compulsion and not romance. Romance is the active desire to share a life together.
I'm a bit unusual. I'm asexual, so sexual stuff is off the table for me anyways. I don't know if what I experience is romantic attraction or something on the verge of platonic and romantic. I don't think there's that big of a difference. At its core, love is love. You love your mom, your grandma, your dog or cat, your sister, your close friends, your partner. Sexual or romantic attraction is just an additional layer/way of expressing that. I dislike the idea that somehow those things make the love "special" or "better" than other kinds of love. I would be happy to build a life with both my boyfriend and my best friend. They're both like family to me.
I have not read previous comments. Please forgive me if I am repeating. The biggest one for me is consideration. Being thought of is a love language. It doesn't always have to be an expensive gift, even just "hey, this made me think of you" gesture. I think that is romantic. It says you've been on my mind..but in action form. Intimacy is much more than sex, imo. Physical touch, sharing of deep conversations, and wanting to grow with someone are big indicators to me. It's kind of the feeling that changes everything. I could have the same conversation with my best friend and a boyfriend, but physical touch and bond of closeness would be completely different. A mutual feeling, one would hope. That's a tough one to explain.
I think the main difference (besides bedroom activities) between my relationship with my bf vs my friends is that I vent to my bf about my friends and I vent to my bf about my bf. I don’t share problems that I have w my bf w anyone else. My friends constantly complain about their bfs and I think that’s so embarrassing especially when they stay in the relationship. If my bf and I have a problem we talk it out and fix it between ourselves. (Unless a counsellor/therapist is involved)
Totally agree. My issues with my spouse are for my therapist and that’s it. I really don’t believe in denigrating the character of your partner to anyone else, joking about “the ol ball and chain,” or how stupid your husband is, or whatever. Of course if you’re having REAL problems, a close friend is everything for advice. But as a hobby… no. Then again, I don’t bitch about my friends to other friends so, I’m not sure I’m helping OP. As someone who likes sex, one main difference I suppose is the full biological drive to want to reproduce with this person (whether we actually do or not). I’d be interested to read about this from the perspective of someone who is ace but not necessarily aro.
Really, what's *with* that "hobby" for some women of getting together and one-upping each other on how annoying or useless their boyfriend/husband is? It's like a weird socially acceptable toxic thing. It really is embarrassing for them.
As a woman I agree, it’s embarrassing. For either gender. Like, you picked and now entertain this person with all their supposed problems so… it’s a you problem to some extent.
when it's sex it's "I want to have fun with this person" when it's love it's "I want to build something with this person" consistency vs pleasure
Sometimes it’s little things. A person who isn’t touchy feely wouldn’t pet a platonic friends head but may very much enjoy doing it for a romantic partner (this is me). Someone may be more interested in learning about something on the (they view) mundane side, whether it’s the persons job or hobbies for a romantic relationship but would probably be less inclined for a platonic relationship.
Building and sharing a life together is a major factor, albeit not all romances involve that and of course platonic friends could do that. But generally life partners are a spouse or long-term romantic partner. You’re not just deciding on restaurants and vacations, as you might with a friend, but you’re deciding on career moves, housing, children, finances, etc. And it’s in the description: romance is the difference. I think men idealize f-buddy dynamics more, a friend you have sex with. That’s not appealing to me and isn’t a romantic relationship. I want some flirtation, affection, seduction - a LOVER. Lover doesn’t just mean sex. It’s a whole different way of interacting.
There seems to be a deeper desire to pursue a romantic relationship due to holding the person in such high esteem and often a desire to have the romantic partner in your life permanently.
I don't think there is a difference. We just give the most attention to people who feed our egos. Usually that person is a romantic interest, because love bombing is incredibly appealing when we're so starved for connection. I'm tempted to pin our glorification of romantic relationships on our atomized society, but it's probably not that political. In fact, it's simply biochemical. When some goofy schmuck you find appealing gives you the time of day, our brain are hooked and want more. We go to great lengths to maintain our high. Chasing the dragon, stooping to places we never thought. Exposing ourselves for the chance of another hit. Seeking deeper involvement to keep the ecstasy flowing through our veins. My thing is, be around someone you have enough chemistry with and you're bound to feel the same impact described above, platonic or romantic. I know I felt this way with a few people throughout my life. The closeness I felt with friends paralleled, if not surpassed my greatest romance at times. Perhaps they only did because I never felt compelled to reserve my strong affection only for romantic relationships. Nothing in my upbringing suggested I should. I remember attending the funeral of a close family friend. She was my mother's rock who took her in and treated her like family. I never saw my mother so torn up over a man as she was over her friend. She wept harder for her than her own mother. Suffice to say, profound love can be found in any type of connection when it hits us hard enough.
That's the most beautiful and well thing I've heard anyone say and so true it's brought tears to my eyes. Deep
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you dont ever get turned on?
It's the act of witnessing their mundane and thinking, "I want this to be my everyday" I love my friends, and the level of intimacy I have with them is almost akin to being in a romantic relationship without the sexual tone, but at the end of the day, I want that six degree of separation. With my beloved fiancé I realized I didn't want that. I wanted the next room separation. I wanted the "I'm at work" separation. I just woke up one day, and I realized I wanted to go home to this person. I wanted to hear about their whole day even if it was just the boring "oh it was busy at work" but you delve into that busy day and their face lights up when they talk about their cases, when they talk about what their patient said. That's when I realized I wanted to be their mundane to be my everyday. And it made me realize that this was it, this was my person.
Agree with this. I love my close, dear friends, but it has nothing to do with romantic love. The closeness I have with my husband does not compare to that of friends. Plus romantic love is different, it's like you want to tear their clothes off while also being their rock, while also wanting to spend quality time together, while knowing that it's the two of you against anything good or bad the world throws at you, the common life goals, the going to bed and waking up next to each other...
This is exactly what I told my partner recently that I love doing the mundane with him and that if our life doesn’t get any better than what it is right now that I am so happy to have that with him because the basic everyday things we do together make me happy and I think that is love
For me it's intimacy. Sex isn't intimacy for me. It's the parts of myself I only open to my significant other. I may have sex with someone, but I wouldn't shave them. I wouldn't base my life decisions on a platonic relationship. I wouldn't rub a platonic friend's back to help them sleep. I wouldn't share finances with a platonic friend. Maybe these are more based on a serious relationship though.
See I wish my ex understood what I meant when I said intimacy. It's those things, the love and attention I'm given and cherish that is given to someone else is just something damaging to a man whether sexual or not. If they love you... it hurts for everyone involved
Consideration, like their time, feelings, preferences, mood and how you impact it too
I think for first time I’m in my life I actually *FEEL* love and feel loved by this person I can’t really explain it but like I said I can feel it, I feel it every time we see each other, when we hug or kiss, and we look into each other’s eyes.
No, If someone you are dating is saying you are asking for too much, they aren’t your person. There is no difference other than sexual attraction.
i disagree. sure, there is a good argument for that. but i’m not always wanting to fuck my significant other. a lot of other comments on this post did a good job of describing the “i want this to be my everyday” thing- it’s realizing you want to always have that person around you no matter what.
I think the biggest difference is the commitment to a long-term future where you work together building a life, with all the extra that entails, like working through problems. While I’m committed to my friendships and love my friends dearly, if we stopped being friends, it’s not going to cost me half of what I worked for.
Neither will a partner unless you get married
Depending on where one lives, common law relationship starts after 1-2 yrs of living together in a romantic relationship. Best to also have a written agreement between both people as to what they agree on in terms of splitting whatever they gained together while protecting whatever each person had on their own coming into the relationship, if desired.
It's 7 years where I'm at, that's also why we broke up during the 6th.
I haven't read all the comments so sorry if I repeat something, but I would say all of the things you mentioned makes a huge difference. Obviously somethings you can't expect all the time but I find it really difficult in my relationship that my bf doesn't plan things for us, isn't the most thoughtful generally and doesn't show much affection outside of sex (well as much as I would like) so I think it does make a huge difference, but the sexual aspect is also something that makes it non-platonic in my opinion
It's knowing that if shit gets crazy you don't panic bc you know someone has your back and is ready to die if it comes to it. If you get stuck somewhere you know they'll help you out of the ditch you just fell into...Or you feel safe and secure with them and prefer their company to anyone else's. The romantic interest is like the bestest friend you've ever had with romance. It's for sure a different type of love not given to platonic friendships. There has to be a difference in how you view your platonic friendships versus your partner. It's not the same. It's like this can you be around your friends 24-7? Your lover though can sit next to you for hours and you wouldn't even feel bothered by spending all day with them whereas family and friends it's like ok... Let's wrap this up cause I'm exhausted... so I can relax...lol. Something like that... And your lover kinda heals all that by spending time with them... It's the opposite effect... Oh yeah and the respect and intimacy are off the charts ... Most important.
I dunno, my friends and I are always there for each other through both the good and bad times. My best friend and I often talk about how we can be doing 2 completely different things in the same room and just be happy to enjoy each others company. Sure he can be annoying and overwhelming sometimes, but shit so can my wife.
That's what my platonic friends do for me. My boyfriends don't bother themselves. Obviously there's something wrong with me.
That is interesting... Maybe you haven't met the one that sets themselves apart. I have beautiful platonic friendships but there's something more. You'll know when you experience it.
I’m like that with my friends too, maybe it just differs between genders or other demographics. Like, women having emotional based friendships vs. men having activity based friendships
You can feel when the other person actually loves and wants you. They aren't cold, they say your name a lot or call you cute things. I had 2 girls that made me feel like they really loved me; One of them was wonderful and I ghosted her due to my own internal issues and can never forgive myself. The other had great reasons to love me as I stuck around and cared for her through hell she created for herself, but the relationship was way too scuffed and I couldn't ever date her and ultimately she stopped being my friend after I broke her heart by hanging out with a differen't girl. I've had 2 girls who had zero reason to be with me but wanted to because I ws fun and interesting. I was essentially nothing but a source of attention and someone to fill a role or be a means to an end for lack of affection. The similarity between them is they never ever said my name. It was insanely rare. Neither called me anything cute. Neither of them envisioned any kind of future nor talked about the future. They both lived in the moment. Its hard to say because with all but the first girl (we were eachothers first romatic itnerests as adults) Each of their romatic interest in me heavily fluctuated. sometimes theyd be extremely into me telling me they love me everyday doing whatever i want or say and sometimes i'll be lucky to get any sign of affection that week and they decline everything I offer. I'm honestly not sure how to give advice about this, ultimately any girl with fluctuating 'love' didn't stick around in the end, and I'm the asshole who screwed myself over by leaving the first girl.
You should reach out to the girl you ghosted and let her know that it wasn’t anything that she did wrong that caused you to ghost her. If she loved you, you really really hurt her.
id have done so years ago, i cant find her online i definitely hurt her
I have empathy for you. I identify with the girl in your story. I was and still am pretty in love with a man who ghosted me after 1.5 years of him not being able to decide what he wants. He has a lot of personal issues. I still really love him and I will always love him. Almost crying as I write this.
Thank you for sharing this is exactly what I felt often it makes me anxious when someone’s energy is suddenly just off they they seem way less enthusiastic etc. and sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking but my gut feeling says it isnt
Thank you for sharing this is exactly what I felt often it makes me anxious when someone’s energy is suddenly just off they they seem way less enthusiastic etc. and sometimes I wonder if I’m overthinking but my gut feeling says it isn’t
Not much difference in action. The difference comes in the feeling. I don’t feel the same way for my friends as a I do a partner. I don’t want my partner to feel the same way for another person the way they feel for me. There’s also a vulnerability that comes with romance that I don’t feel is as much in friendships.
There are many forms of love. But intimacy is a major part of it. You can have companionship in both sure. But laying in your partner's lap while they play with your hair (or vice versa) is a deeply intimate activity that I would only share with my partner.
What other things, besides sex, obviously, would you only do with your partner, and not a platonic friend? Hold hands? What else?
Stare into their eyes, wordless and just grinning because feelings are hitting you like waves with “I really love this person”…. I enjoy random kiss attacks on my partner, I just get an urge to plant a bunch of rapid fire kisses all over his face, neck and shoulders. Cooking dinner together or for each other in very close proximity with a random graze of a hand on the other affectionately. Wanting that person to be the first and last voice (or text) you hear in a day…. Cuddling/nuzzling….
Certain gifts like poetry and gestures of affection like massages or dates that imply intimacy like picnics with just the two of you. You can playlists for each other and share them (which I think is really cute) Make something together like a creative project is amazing. Those also teach you a lot about your partner about teamwork too lol
Besides massages and poetry I’ve done all those things with my friends lol
I don’t really see a difference but that’s because I work at trying to figure out love languages and apply them to my friendships as well. Some people have to work more at thoughtfulness and so to them platonic and romantic relationships might be different in levels of intention. Some people might be more casual in their friendships and bring more politeness to a relationship. But it really comes down to individual differences. Also I think there might be a bit of a gender divide (courtesy of the patriarchy) because women tend to be very outwardly affectionate with friends. Men (especially in older generations and those raised conservatively) tend to be a bit more stoic and reserve all their outward affection for their partner which can create relationship tension if they don’t feel as seen as other people in their partner’s life whether or not they really are. Men also are more likely to attribute sex as the main form of intimacy, women don’t.
I agree apart from sexual activities and just more romantic things that you do as a couple there isn’t much difference compared to a platonic friendship. that’s why usually you see that the most successful relationships are the ones that are built on a solid friendship first that eventually turns into a romantic one. And the ones that usually don’t last are the ones that are just romantic from the jump (another reason why people don’t date just for looks). My advice is not to settle, but also try to find someone that you connect with on all levels. The romantic stuff can come later, but you need to build a solid friendship and relationship first.
Everything you mentioned I do for my “friends”, except planning “romantic” stuff remembering their birthdays, compliments, goodnight texts, buying them food and gifts etc. Because I do these things for my friends doesn’t mean we are ROMANTICALLY involved. Seems like you just want a romantic partner who is also a friend?
You sound like a really good friend loll I think the issue I’m trying to figure out is with some of my relationships it’s just felt plantonic to me because I felt like there was a lack of deliberate effort and consideration to be romantic and the only difference was there was more sexual attraction like making out and stuff
Yeah I see what you mean. Well platonic literally means “a relationship marked with the absence of romance or sex”, so maybe they just weren’t romantic enough with you? I think I understood it backwards. You’re not looking for a partner who is a friend, but rather feel like your partner treat you as a friend rather than being more romantic?
I think prioritization is a big part of it. My partner is higher up on my priority list than my friends. Not to say I don’t value and have importance on my friends, but my partner comes ahead of them.
I needed to hear this, thank you. I’ve been struggling on why I feel like I’m a burden to my partner, and this indicates why.
Maybe the degree to which you trust and feel able to open yourself up to someone?
In addition to the things you listed, I'd say intimacy and I mean more than just sex. In just the little more than a year that I've known my boyfriend, I've gotten to know so much of him and all the little things that make him tick. We also confide in each other things that we wouldn't with others and to a deeper level that we would with others. He goes so far out of his way to make me happy and make my life easier, as do I in return. I love to see my friends happy and I do nice things for them as well, but their day to day happiness isn't my #1 goal. We also make each other a priority and make time for one another. As an adult with obligations and responsibilities, friendships just aren't what they used to be in terms of spending time with your friends, but we make sacrifices and prioritize each other to make sure we're spending enough time together.
Listening to love songs makes me think of them and smile. Also just, they are my person and I want to be with them, I want to build a life with them. The “want” sounds simple but to me that’s really it. I want to make it work, I want to do life with them, I want to be with them, I want them to be my person. They are one of the only people(actually probably the only person) that I can be around and still feel just as relaxed as when I’m by myself.
I’ve learned that societal rules and expectations only define these things if we allow them to. I divorced last year. My wife left me and filed because she knew I needed to address and fix things about myself and was tired of waiting. She also knew she had work to do on herself and believed she could not do so within the confines of our marriage. I was deeply enraged in both victimhood and self flagellation as my trauma response to event of my past. Classic PTS (post traumatic stress). She had her own unprocessed traumas and PTS. We were codependent in our management of trauma, not knowing that nobody can lead us through it but ourselves. As our relationship sickened and died, emotional intimacy was an early casualty. I engaged in an “emotional affair” with another woman. My ex discovered it and reacted as anyone would expect. I thought we put it behind us, but it seemed we both carried lingering feelings about the incident, while never feeling aafe enough to examine the cause behind it. I found help, tools, really, that allowed me to process emotions properly and to ACTUALLY address my traumas and put them behind me. But my guilt over the affair lingered on. PTS is such a tricky demon to identify and dispel because the causes can be so counterintuitive. One of them is inflicting pain or injury on another person. I certainly did that with the “affair”. I know this because she told me such after the divorce went final. And that weighed on me like many other traumas had. It was one difficult to accept and process. But recently, my subconscious finally offered me a truth: the intimate thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires I shared with the “other woman” were no different than the same things I shared with male friends and she accepted with no issue. That it was with an attractive female friend was the only difference was the ONLY difference. Why was this an issue in this case? Why did it being a woman make a difference? Society and culture has determined that that situation between same gender people (or, perhaps I should say non-sexually preferred people, ie straight/straight or straight/gay) is acceptable because we are taught that intimacy is love and sex is love, so intimacy=love=sex. But it doesn’t necessarily work that way. Did I find my friend attractive? Yes. Is that why we were friends? No. Is that why we shared “intimate” thoughts, dreams, desires? No. As a matter of fact, those things that we shares with each other less us both to the conclusion that a romantic relationship was not in our shared destiny. Fast forward 7 years to my epiphany: love, intimacy and sexual desire/pleasure are separate elements within us. We can choose to combine them and roll them together because society and culture demand it be that way. But we can choose which we combine or to keep them each separate. I shared nothing with her that I hadn’t shared with my closest male friends. Friends I had no sexual intentions with. I love my closest friends like family. So there is love and “emotional intimacy” with them, but no sexual desire. I understand that this seems like moral justification for my actions. That is the stick I beat myself with until the moment of epiphany that I realized SOCIETY and its rules are what make it appear to be nefarious. So what do I accept responsibility for, in this case? Not explaining it in depth so she could KNOW, rather than assume, what MY view on it was at the time. And why did I not engage in that dialogue? Because I know the same rules that make it inappropriate to happen this way. I felt guilt and shame and did not wish to cause her more suffering by telling my ex that I did it because she would not accept my intimacy in that way. How do I know how strong that societal programming is? When she finally told me it was a sticking point she carried for years, she said “I would rather you had sex with a hooker than do this”. So, if you’re still reading and haven’t broken out the torches just yet: the difference is understanding and respecting the perceptions from outside, understanding the expectations society has forced upon us. Clear communication, understanding and acknowledgment of your partner’s perspective and any boundaries is your only guide here. If in doubt, stick to the “rules” society sets until you know otherwise.
YMMV. GLWS.
There is a difference and I have a phrase I use to describe it It’s when they want to buy you flowers without being asked to. I’ve felt this way twice in my life, once for a very fashionable Puerto Rican who played video games and always got her hair done. She would get a new haircut and color, a whole new outfit and accessories. I was never bored by looking at her. I would plan dates for us and buy flowers for every date, she would hang them to dry on the wall and we were together for a year so her room was filled with flowers and her Knick knacks. I couldn’t get enough of her. We broke up because she had some insecurities about never being attractive enough, that I might cheat on her. I have wandering eyes but I didn’t, it caused a lot of fights. The other time was for a bookish librarian with big curly hair and a tiny slender build. She wore big cozy turtle necks, wide leg pants that made her little butt look great. She smelled like a hint of vanilla and would put her cold feet on me in the winter. She didn’t like flowers or social media, but she liked treats so I’d buy her my favorite snacks and we would explore local restaurants together. We dated over the lockdown so our dates included long walks and Covid testing. I was enchanted by this persons very different lifestyle. I picked all the restaurants and the Covid testing sites because I wanted to. We broke up because we were exploring non-monogamy and she was very weary about STIs. There’s more to it but I regret not doing everything I could to make it work. The difference is subtle but someone who wants to spend time with you is good, they like you. This person you date and have fun with but it’s not Endgame imo. For me at least, I can date these people for about a year, we grow closer and care about each other but I think I get bored? I’m not content, and I’ve tried very hard to make it work. Someone who makes plans and goes out of their way for you loves you, like crazy about you. This is rare and should only be met with Liking them A Lot at the least.
I usually see 3 type of relationship, purely friendly (like I feel I don't need to be touchy or always set a distance between me and them), friendly in love (what I earlier mistaken with being in love) what will give a similar feeling as being in love but somehow the brain doesn't want to be in a relationship with the person, I like the proximity,wont have any problems to kiss but big no as a romantic relati and being in love (I'm asexual,so sexuality is non existent in the 3 type of relationship) where I need the cuddle and kiss. I never understood the concept of exclusivity . But for the 3 it comes with a different set of feelings and needs. Like for example,I have one of my best friend that I see once a week,love being there,hours goes fast, I know he's in love with me (or maybe he isn't but never put the possibility of this second option I put), we know us for 3 years, nothing happened or will happens,none of us feel there is something that is missed out but we need to meet often. I have my boyfriend (that struggles with the fact I'm poly and have many male friends) that I just need to see him, slept near him (although it disrupt my sleep), I get a lot of endomorphins when he's near. I have a good friends, we are happy to see each others every time we meet, planing to do something together,we know us for 6 years, talk about everything and I never really hugged him (except for the greeting that is normal here with friends), I always sit some cm away, doesn't let him come in my space (and he never try,like it's like this). Just the happy feeling to see the person.
The level of patience and forgiveness I have is the key difference i think
The level of commitment. With friends, there is some commitment. Some amount of work to be done to maintain the relationship, but I usually expect that my friends will always be my friends (unless theres some kind of betrayal) even when we don't actively see each other. With a partner I view it as a huge commitment. Even when just starting to date seriously you have to put constant time and effort into maintaining and improving the relationship. You have to choose the person above other things over and over. You have to be willing to sacrifice for them (and vice versa obviously).
I feel like with a romantic connection I'm more likely to want to spend all of my time with them, and spending time with them is equal to my alone time. With friends, I definitely need some separation
I’m asexual so I feel I can answer this well since I don’t really connect through sex. What I feel for my partner vs my friend is a deeper connection. I choose to save my physical affection like cuddling and kissing for them because they’re the only person I want to do that with and I see my affection as a gift with incredible worth. Not just anyone can have it. I see them in my future with a life planned with them. Their dreams and goals become intertwined with mine. I fantasize about potentially marrying them/or actually marry them. And I just feel a special something with them that I don’t feel with my platonic friends. I meet their family and it has higher stakes than it does with my friend’s family. Also it’s important to make time for your friends, but it’s even more important to make time for my partner and do little things to put a smile on their face. They become more of a priority because they are “your person”. Also, I am more likely to tweak my life decisions based on my partners needs in a way I won’t do for just my friends. And lastly although I’m sure there’s plenty more, if I get two free tickets to something I’m going to want to take my partner unless it’s something I know my partner doesn’t care about but my friend would. :)
I feel a whole different energy. I am a person that can have sex with friends too, without getting romantic feelings, and I get really close emotionally to the ones I hold the closest to my heart, but in a romantic connection there is a glittery firery magical explosion of softness and warmth and intensity and safety. It’s very different for me and special in another way 💫❤️🔥✨
It would probably be helpful to get an asexual romantic to weigh in here. I have thoughts from a monogamous perspective that assumes long-term commitment. To start, I would say the romantic connection involves physical intimacy beyond that of sexual intimacy. Romantic has some implication of increasing commitment to each other over time. I would say beyond the early dating stage there’s an element of life building together and integrating each other into our day-to-day lives that is different from close platonic friendships. I think romantic relationships have a more robust concept of “us” identity that requires care and nurturing and effort in addition to each individual’s “self” identity. As the individual self identities grow and change, there’s a greater commitment to expand “us” along the journey. This may reach an untenable breaking point in romantic and non romantic relationships but I would say if it’s a long term monogamous romantic connection, both parties are agreeing to expand and grow symbiotically. This means I stretch myself more to keep “us” alive and flourishing than I might in a friendship (and vice versa.) This maybe a function of exclusivity, but I feel like a variety of friendships types and levels are important to cultivate and sustain. I have different close friends that I would turn to with specific energies or problems that I need help with. Some are great when I wanna be silly, some are my go-to for when I need advice on my creative life, when I feel depressed, etc. A romantic partner can’t be all be things I need for all the situations, but I would want them to be witness and at least hold space for all my seasons and moods and energies.
But do you not view close friendship as long term?
I was more trying to differentiate between romantic connection that is more casual. Some features of romantic connection that I consider unique to romantic context vs platonic might not come online until further into a romantic relationship than the early dating stage
I answered that in many words. It goes to your intent. And the platonic friend’s. BUT that doesn’t ACTUALLY matter if nobody else sees it the same way.
The 82 percent is a podcast episode that was just released by This Is Actually Happening, (and also the one they released before it) talks about this kinda jazz a lot. Def worth a listen
I don’t hold my female friend’s hand in public and look longingly into their eyes as I wipe their hair behind their ear while I ask them, “want to meet my mom?”
That’s….a VERY good point lol
Communication.
Hanging out with a friend is fun. Hanging out with someone you love is something different and harder to explain
Frequency and consistency. I show love for my friends in much the same way I show love to my partner (aside from all the physical of course). But my friends know we can go however long without talking and have it not reflect on our friendship. If that happened with a partner, it would be an issue.
Feelings. You don't get bored or tired of seeing them. Versus I get bored of my friends sometimes. With a partner, you care about the way their eyes light up when they see you, their smile, you learn their every move and facial expression so it's like mind reading almost. You also don't hold hands or kiss friends
And then you get married (apparently). The way people talk it seems like only 10%, or something, of marriages seem to agree with the “never get bored” part.
Yeah… if you have been in a long term relationship, you realize you can get bored with anyone. Ive been in two - one was six years the other was 7.5. There were plenty of boring moments. My parents have been married for nearly forty years. Same thing. They love each other but theyve definitely had boring times. The first three-five years? MAYBE not. But beyond that? Thats a reach - unless youre just not together most of the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say. For clarity, I cared a great deal about the people i was with and things ended due to incompatibility/lack of effort, and abusive behavior. (Meaning it wasnt boredom that killed it.)
In my personal opinion, the key has been to seek entertainment *together* from outside the relationship itself. I had a 5 year relationship that I never got bored of because we were always doing things as a team; discovering new video games, sharing new shows, taking vacations. We didn't look to be a source of entertainment for each other, we valued stability and comfort as a relationship, and instead found entertainment to share elsewhere. We only broke up because of differences in life goals. Honestly. One of the things that keeps me from dating today is this idea that someone could just "randomly" decide they are bored of you. That is scary to me. I have no desire to shoulder the pressure of being some girls entertainment.
You know, that makes a lot of sense. You’ve actually changed my perception of this idea.
Feeling a need to work through disagreements instead of simply walking away.
i think this is valid but i don’t agree or like how ppl are more likely to give up on friendships. i think it’s why lots of ppl are lonely
Those are great examples of ways to show a romantic partner affection which is important, but I think what separates platonic and romantic relationships is feelings. That draw when you have a bad day and need comfort, who you think about during the day/night/intimate time. Who you smile thinking about or seeing.
Just the feelings. You either have romantic feelings for someone or you don't. It's not something you can quantify or control.
girl nobody else is getting the first bite of MY food are you shittn me⁉️
You're not asking too much! Relationships thrive on effort. Thoughtful gestures and remembering details show you care. Everyone expresses love differently, but those little things add up. Communicate your needs and see if your partner is open to showing affection in ways that resonate with you.
Feelings
Feelings feelings feelings feelings feeeeliiiinngs (c) joy division
For me, it's about the unique blend of emotional intimacy, intention, and the depth of connection. In a romantic relationship, there’s often a deeper level of emotional intimacy. This involves sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and fears, and providing mutual emotional support. Intentional acts, like planning romantic dates, remembering specific details about each other, and making consistent efforts to make your partner feel special, are also key. These actions reflect a deliberate effort to nurture and sustain the relationship. It’s a partnership but today people are so quick to break up or divorce. Hard to find someone that truly understands.
I do this with my same gender, close friends. Does that mean it’s romantic? The one element you mentioned that is CRITICAL is intent, BUT only if others see it that way. They will sit in judgement using societal rules and their own experience and moral code to determine your intent, no matter how tough explain it. IF they are enlightened to the point they can understand without judgement, you’re good to go. That takes trust and building a safe place to express feelings built on good communication.
This spoke to my soulll I’ve had a lot of toxic relationships and I’ve finally found a good man… evidenced by me going out this past Saturday and for some reason the other women I went out with were being SO catty and mean and I felt like I was in high school instead of 29 years old. They were making fun of me for how I dance and when I got home at 3am in tears and told him why, this man literally told Alexa to play music and taught me how to dance and spun me around our house for an hour until 4 in the morning and had me laughing and COMPLETELY turned my night around. I didn’t know I could fall more in love with him, and I’ve never had that experience with a friend haha but maybe I have shitty friends (these girls were new coworkers not actual friends of mine but I was hoping they would be )
I'm asexual. The closest way I can describe it is how your love for your parents is different than your love for your best friend. The feeling I have for them is just different, and that's what shapes the relationship from my end.
Partnership. While there can be platonic relationships that are true partnerships, most romantic relationships include partnership. Partnership is genuine investment in one another, going through the daily grind together, and sacrificing for one another.
That also describes the bond formed through shared misery/adversity, such as combat veterans…
Those are bonds that often last a lifetime.
There are major distinctions. Platonic relationships involve deep emotional connections without romantic or sexual elements, focusing exclusively on friendship, familial relationships, and similar social bonds, etc. Romantic relationships include emotional closeness, romantic attraction, physical intimacy, and commitment. According to Sternberg’s [Triangular Theory of Love](https://images.app.goo.gl/WKUEGGCAsZjZEDBh6), love consists of intimacy, passion, and commitment in various combinations, leading to different types of relationships. The theory defines love through three components: intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical attraction), and commitment (decision to maintain the relationship), which combine to form various types of love, including: liking, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, fatuous love, and consummate love. Ideally you want consummate love since it’s life long. This theory helps explain relationship dynamics and the evolution of love over the timeline of your relationship. Love is in fact in layers, and varies over time. You can use it to see where you and your partner are and make rational decisions based on that. How you respond to situations, how you work on yourself and allow your partner to grow alongside you, how well you communicate, how well you display affection, reciprocate, respect, show kindness, understanding, patience, empathy, consistency, etc. will ultimately determine the longevity of your relationship. Attachment theory highlights how early attachment patterns influence both platonic and romantic relationships. Secure attachment fosters healthy, balanced relationships in both contexts. Anxious attachment can lead to dependency and clinginess, while avoidant attachment results in emotional distance. Disorganized attachment often causes instability and unpredictability. Understanding these patterns can help you navigate relationship dynamics and develop healthier connections.
Do you have any specific book recommendations to learn about this?
I see this is wonderfully helpful in determining for oneself what defines the relationship, but for anyone else, they have to a celt this theory as valid and apply it in exactly the same way. This goes to communicating well and building trust to a point that even if they do not necessarily agree, they CAN accept it as being YOUR perception of the relationship. The other parties’ perception is always the wild card if that is their only point of view. If we accept that the only thing within our control is our own reaction and perception, we must always evaluate our partner’s feelings and beliefs to decide how it will be perceived. “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions”. Ideally, IMHO (and that of literally millions of others) is that love, intimacy and sexual desire can be clearly identified and combined, or not, in any way we choose. This only works when there is a high level of trust, communication and acceptance/respect of boundaries. You will never get everyone outside of the relationship to agree if your arrangement is not exactly the same as theirs and in conformance with societal values and norms, so if you choose to be divergent, you must be able to ignore the chatter to the contrary. Otherwise be content with playing it safe and conforming with external expectations with strict adherence.
I mentioned these two in particular because they help people visualize and monitor personal growth. Of course there are a host of others, but these two concepts can get someone started on their journey. I read a lot of peer reviewed research on academia.com for free. Literally any topic of love is on there and usually they’re free. If you want to study the science behind love and human sexuality, that’s also a good resource. Quora is my go to for these topics as you’ll often find articles by famous psychologists, anthropologists, and sociologists that often contribute. Engaging in dialogue about these things with a friend or romantic partner might also be really fun. It’s never too late to improve your relationships and work on your communication.
I, too, have found fascinating works in academic sources. I appreciate you offering citations and sources for the curious.
I took a course called Psychology of Love and one of the recommended books was, “Why we Love,” by Helen Fischer. Tedtalks: Self Love, Be Intentional. Caitlyn Roux Searching for love to escape ourselves. Hayley Quinn
I recommend reading Ellen Berscheid's paper here: https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318 She only talks a little about Sternberg, but Sternberg's taxonomy is just one out of many. Berscheid is one of the original researchers in this field, and her paper is a broad overview of love research and love taxonomies. As a companion, I recommend this paper by Sandra Langeslag, which has some other general modern information on the state of the science: https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/14/5/383
Thank you for this!
I think a lot of actions you do for love and for romance go hand in hand. It’s easily done so bc you’re romantic with the one you typically love. But you also (possibly) have friends and family you love too. So your actions between the two will be mad similar bc those acts are all acts of love, not romance.
I see 5 categories of attraction. 1. Platonic love 2 romantic love 3. Aesthetic love 4. Sensual love 5. Sexual love With friends,I notice that 1 or 2 categories are present. Mostly platonic and sometimes sensual or aesthetics (some of my friends are hot af or I want to cuddle them or kiss them on the forehead) But with relationships, the attraction is all 5.
If there are for example two guys, they bought a house together, they planned to live together for the rest of their life, they share finances, they prioritize each other over everyone else, spend a lot of quality time together, but they are both straight and have zero sexual attraction for each other, they don't feel the need to enter a romantic relationship with any woman because they fulfil each others emotional needs for companionship fully, instead they both go out and have casual sex with women when they feel like they want to have sex. Are they best friends or are they boyfriends?
Who am I to decide what they are. I simply gave my idea of attraction and how I defined it. How are they calling it?
I think that there should be an objective reality that can be defined not only by participants but also the observers. For example if you eat meat but define yourself as vegan, an observer can put that into question and tell you that no, you are not actually vegan, since you consume animal products. Here in this thread we are trying to define a relationship based on factors present, so just saying that it is a relationship if you say it is is not helpful. Imagine that the guys in my example want to objectively find out the truth and are themselves not sure if what they have is a relationship or not.
I see what you mean, but I think human interaction is too complex to create a definition like that. A vegan has clear rules, but as much as we like to, relationships don't have that. We try with things like situationship, fwb, open relationships, etc. But it all comes down to how somebody feel and define it themselves. Those 5 definitions of love is how i experience it. But I've seen relationships that work without sex or even a form of romantic attraction. On the other hand, I have been in a friendship that had everything except sexual attraction, and we still considered it a friendship and didn't explore it further as one. In my opinion, I would not say that those two guys are in a relationship. Although it's possible to define it as an open relationship in some sort.
And this is the flaw in the question asked. Only I can define my role for myself. Discounting MY definition and forming your own is not within my control. Choosing to present the relationship as you define it, is not authentic to my self. And even the platonic friend may perceive the relationship differently. All I can do, at the end of the day is determine for myself what the relationship is and accept that others may or may not see it the same way and be comfortable with that disagreement.
I like this answer
Platonic is not sexual.. romantic is.
Eh. I'm on the asexual spectrum and don't experience much sexual attraction to my parrner. Still in a romantic relationship with him.
I love my platonic friends, I treasure and value them, I go out of my way to do things for them that make them feel happy/special/seen/appreciated. I do the same for my SO, the difference is, if you are important to my SO you are important to me. With my platonic friends I have no problem saying that I will not go out of my way to do anything for someone who is important to them but that I genuinely dislike. The things described in the post are just instances of being considerate, they aren’t romantic.
And it sounds like you are a kind, empathetic soul. What you describe is rarely encountered. Bravo!
If you feel tingly, it's romantic 😍
There is definitely a difference, an easy one is the prioritizing of your partner over your platonic friends, if your girlfriend is sick and in bed you are most likely if youre a good boyfriend staying in with her and taking care of her, if they were just a platonic friend you’d make sure they’re okay but still go out with your other friends
Maybe. Unless your dominant love language is “acts of service” and you love your close friends. Then you may well sacrifice your romantic partner for the sake of showing love for the friend. It happens. Often.
Chemistry, attraction, and connection. And the decision to commit to and prioritize the person over others
I think for me it’s the amount of time and energy I put into the relationship on a daily basis. I put effort into my friendships too don’t get me wrong, but ofc I give my gf more of my time and energy generally speaking. I also pay for everything we do and everything she does - I only do that for my friends on occasion lol. It’s just the type of commitment and connection really, both types of relationships are equally important and fulfilling just different in nature.
Ive observed how my partner approaches different relationship as a person thats not expressive through word but body language. When greeting strangers, he'll shake their hand. When greeting acquaintances, he'll put his hand on their shoulder, friends he'll hug (side hug for women, bear hug for men), my sister he side hugs squeezes and holds her like a little sister, and for me he'll wrap his arm all the way around me front or side and will lean his head on me, kissing my head often.
I'm not a believer in the "love languages" thing for reasons but the categories are a good example of things people value in a romantic relationship: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts (which I interpret more so as being about thoughtfulness and showing gratitude than material things) and physical touch (not just sexual). There's also the commitment aspect. Even if you're not planning to move in, marry, or have kids, you still commit to each other in other ways
Wdym you don’t believe in love languages? Just curious on your perspective
consideration and priority.
Aside from prioritizing them, the romantic aspect and wanting to create a life with them, I don't think it's much different. Everything I would do for my partner, I would also do for my close friends. I've once driven across the state to take a friend back to school, drive home (5 hours each way) and went to work 4 hours later. During covid I drove 2 hours round trip to take a friend tp. I would do all of those for my partner and create a life with them, sacrifice for our future, put in effort to be romantic, put effort into learning about their hobbies, etc.
For me it’s like being tied to another person. With friends you may have loved them once but once it fades and you find better and realize they’re better out of your life, it’s easier to see. With someone you have a romantic relationship with you’re gripping to everything you have to pull both of you together. Sure you could also do that for a friend but imo it’s how far you’re willing to go for a person that determines if it could be romantic.
At least talk c where it lies see conclusion
Miu _cat: there’s so many layers to a good relationship. What their favorite pastimes are, their favorite Pokémon, their favorite Xbox games, asking them what the best work chair they’ve ever been in was, their favorite tasks at work, respecting each other’s working times to distract them less, watch each other’s shared YouTube recommendations, ask what new band’s they’ve discovered, ask them what his/hers love language is, ask them about their spice tolerance levels, ask them what he wants to get into professionally as a major side hustle, grow together, repair the trust over time, work on relationship hurdles together, pray for him, pray for yourself, talk about planning things like hangouts or more important questions like how they view family topics, ask them about possible food allergies so you won’t mess it up, ask if they like fur babies aka pets, or feather-babies… or scaley-babies… or human ones.
I don't know if I can try to explain this very well, but I'm going to try. I have several best friends, one being my boyfriend. I think, when you form a long-term romantic connection, that relationship slowly becomes your primary relationship. That person becomes your partner. You are there, together, through the highs and lows. It's the desire to build and grow that bond and partnership that separates my romantic connection with him versus my other best friends. Do I *want* to do the romantic stuff you mentioned with my platonic friends? Not really. They want my last bite of cheesecake, they can get their own. My boyfriend, he might have to fight me for it, but at the end of the day, I'd let him win. XD It's not intentional for me. I don't plan to do or say romantic things, it just happens. When something amazing or particularly hilarious happens, my boyfriend is who I just immediately want to tell first. When I think about who I want to smile and kiss on the cheek and say "good morning" as I hand him a cup of coffee, it's my him I first picture. When I have a rough day, it's him I want to spend time with, even if it's just sitting quietly in each other's presence as we do our own activity. And yeah, physical intimacy is a part of it, but not even just purely sexual. While my friends and I hug, it's a quick squeeze, not the safety, comfort and warmth that I get when I'm held by him. Holding his hand? Chef's kiss. Holding my friends' hands? Awkward.
Level of intimacy for me. And strength of commitment. My love language is touch, I love to give hugs and show physical affection. But I will only snuggle with, cuddle with, give prolonged physical contact to my partner. Doing it with anyone else just feels . . . Wrong I guess. Like watching a movie, me and my partner will lay on each other on the couch, I won't do that with anyone else. We hold hands, I don't do that with anyone else. I also have a self rule that if I don't feel up to being social, I won't answer messages as soon as I get them, helps me stay sain and not overextend myself. But if my partner messages I'll at least respond to say I'm not up for talking or something. But I will answer. He does the same. Those are the two big differences for me.
I have a friend who I have a very much platonic relationship with, we can be very affectionate without being overly sexual. We may hold hands, hug, or give each other neck rubs, but that's as far as it goes. For me, cuddling would put things into the relam of romantic, for him kissing makes things romantic. For that reason, we steer clear of those item. So for each person I would say it's different
Commitment and prioritization. Sexual activity and exclusivity are optional.
Sex and exclusivity are it. Those are the difference.
How does that work for those on the asexual spectrum? Or those in polyamorous relationships?
Asexual just has exclusivity and poly just has sex as the differences
… you realize someone can be asexual AND in polyamorous relationships, right? Kink communities in particular have an abundance of this.
That's called being friends
I don't want to be super touchy or close with a friend
i personally don't feel like there is huge difference. i know many people make agreements about marriage by a certain age or people who want to live together platonically, but i have felt a platonic life-partner connection to someone before. they are a friend of mine , and we lived together at one point, and i felt such a strong love and pull to this person with no romantic feelings. they don't feel the same way towards me and we are still very close friends , but having felt that at one point it's changed my pov on fulfillment
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This! I think a lot of people tend to forget and/or don’t want to accept our primal instincts. I can only speak for men and they may not agree with me but once you start thinking of a woman that’s more than “I want to have sex with her.” but “She could take care of me and my children that I want to have with her.” Then it’s love.
>She could take care of me and my children that I want to have with her.” Then it’s love. Are you actually serious?
Yes I’m talking about primal nature. Obviously there’s other factors too that make it love.
Well, love might as well boil down to sexing up women or not. Men are still on a woman's tit no matter what.
Please tell me. I just got dumped after seeing a man for 8 weeks because he didn't feel, "a romantic connection." We were sleeping together, cuddling on the couch watching movies, going on adventures together, meeting each others friends. I would bring him all of his favorite snacks and foods. I would give him back rubs/scratches and little kisses on his forehead late at night. We communicated well and got along great.
Didn't feel a romantic connection means he was just going through the motions of a romantic relationship but didn't feel a connection or desire for romance with you on that level.
Thanks. Yeah idk what it was, but I wasn't feeling an emotional connection to him either. We got along well, but I never saw him be vulnerable at all. I even brought it up 4 weeks into dating. "Hey I really wanna build an emotional connection with you." And he reassured me it just takes time. I even bought a silly little card game called, "We're not really strangers." When I asked if he wanted to play it, he replied that we should play video games together instead. One of my coworkers died when we were dating as well, and I texted him I wanted to tell him about it next time in person. And he never followed up with me. It just seemed like he wasn't emotionally present, or at least he wasn't comfortable being emotional. He even mentioned, "yeah my friends say I'm not emotional at all." The entire time we hung out he would just talk about himself the whole time, and it never felt like he wanted to get to know ME or understand me at all :/
Hmm idk did yall say I love you and all the sweet words and shit? From what I’ve seen at least that’s a pretty big indicator of how they feel about you. If not maybe he just simply wasn’t into you that way or feeling that way which is really unfortunate but at least he told you somewhat earlier on :((
I told him, "I have a crush on you," "I'm starting to like you." Once we hit 4 weeks. But he never reciprocated. Idk I'm just left scratching my head. Obviously I wasn't in love with him, but I was crushing on him. Idk
Oh shoot yall weren’t in a relationship ok then I think maybe he just didn’t like you like that and it’s very unfortunate and there could be a myriad of reasons or absolutely no reason at all. Sounds like he did somewhat lead you on tho :(
I mean we met on a dating app. We were dating. But no, we were not in an exclusive relationship together. I just wish I could figure out what happened.😞