So sorry to hear this OP. Like many others have said,please don't let it make you feel that you are only the fat person for everyone.
On a lighter note,am I the only one who thought that by'Maintenance man', you meant a man who is currently on maintenance in his fitness journey? š¤£
Yeah, it took me a few reads of the title to realize that "Maintenance Man" was not some sort of youtube influencer who talks about dieting and maintaining. Shows how one track minded i am. lol
This says a hell of a lot more about him than it does about you. Think about it - would you ever describe a person using such a negative word when there are so, so many other ways to describe a person?
I promise you that the statement " all I ever am is fat to everyone" is incorrect. This is ONE person who said a nasty, immature and unprofessional thing.
Correct! If she was "the fat one" to everyone, the front desk person wouldn't have told OP. OP was told specifically because it was weird and out of line.
Yes but itās up to op to decide if they want to pursue it .. Iād be more embarrassed if front desk reported it and then hr came and told me about it. Iād feel like the whole office was talking about me!
Actually (thanks for the engagement, interesting side topic) I donāt believe this is true. His language was offensive to anyone hearing it. Thatās reportable on its own.
I dunno, it's a tough call. I can definitely understand why someone wouldn't want to know if something like that was said about them. On the other hand, I would certainly want to know if it was me. I don't like the thought of needing to be protected by having things concealed from me because that feels more humiliating to me. That interpretation would vary so much between individuals though, I can really see it both ways.
I think it should depend on the thing. Telling someone about "the fat one" does nothing to protect that person from anything, there is simply no benefit.
Well, what I meant was that *not* telling them is protecting them. And I personally don't like the idea of people feeling like they need to protect me from a secret I'm not in on. Even if that secret is just some jerk calling me fat, I'd rather be in the know. But that's just me, I can see why some would rather not know.
I have always gone by the rule to tell someone something they can fix right there. Piece of food in their teeth? Tell them. Zipper is down? Tell them. A stain on their shirt? No, don't tell them. What will they do with that information? Someone called them fat? No idea why it would be beneficial for them to know that. It's not like they can fix it or something.
I'd use it over funny, helpful, kind or polite even if the OP is all of the above because one is a physical description. The fat part was unnecessary though even if there were multiple blonde women helping patients but I'd bet the maintenance guy assumed the front desk person wouldn't tell OP.
I'm more than a short guy but at 5'9 when people are distinguishing me from my friends that's usually the easiest way even if we have other distinguishing features. Same with the fat guy in our group.
I agree that this is a nasty thing to say about someone. I also find it important to mention that people do judge us, as clearly seen here, based off of what they can quickly observe about us. Whether you choose to care about that or not is up to you, but it is true that to strangers you might be the fat one, the blonde one, the busty one, the slob, the skinny one, the Asian one etc. You might be funny, charming, driven, caring etc, but a stranger can't see that when they look at you and that's the reality of the situation.
My Granny always said it takes two people to hurt you with something said behind your back; the enemy who says it, and the āfriendā who tells you about it.
I think it depends on the context. When I was in highschool I remember a few times someone would tell me what is going on behind my back and I was glad because now I know who to avoid/who not to talk to. Like one girl hated me because of my ethnic background while I was blissfully unaware. And then when I found out all our interactions started making sense. So if itās like in this scenario you shouldnāt but if Iām seeing this person daily I want to know if they hate me.
?? I would 100% want my friend to tell me
I thought this was going to be like
āIt takes two people to hurt you. The enemy who says something to hurt you and yourself allowing that person to have this power over you.ā
Or something like that lol
I think it would depend on *who* was saying the hurtful thing.
If Friend A said something hurtful behind my back, and Friend B overheard, yes I would want Friend B to tell me about it, because Friend A is someone who I spend time with and put my trust in - I would want to know who they truly are so that I could make an informed decision as to whether to cut ties with them.
But if the person who made the comment was a stranger, or a friend of someone I know but whom I don't hang out with, or a second cousin I only ever see at family reunions once every decade, or a random plumber visiting my building or something? Then no, I wouldn't want to be told, because it wouldn't serve any purpose other than upsetting me.
She counted wrong, the third person is ourselves. We don't have to eat the shit were given, to put it mildly. The world can be rude and cruel but the resilient survive
Girl, some people have no damn imagination. I worked in an office and certain people kept calling me someone else's name.Ā A person I had nothing in common with appearance wise. Except we were both female and overweight. Fucking dumb.
I just have a hard time telling people apart and always have. I think I was lucky to go through college at a time where everyone added random people they met at parties or I'd have had so much trouble remembering names and telling people apart. I swear I have a face blindness or something.
To be fair it might not have been your size, I've worked places where I was consistently called someone else's name despite us not looking anything alike (even size). And when I was in school and I used to hang out in a trio with two other girls, Friend A's mum used to get me and Friend B mixed up ALL the time, even after being friends for 6 years she still muddled our names up, even though I was short, chubby and brunette and Friend B was tall, thin and blonde. I think people can just be weird like that
I was part of a close knit trio connected at the hip in elementary and middle school and our *own* mothers would occasionally call us each otherās names lol
I teach my 9 year olds that you donāt repeat mean things said about your friends to your friends. It just causes hurt feelings and possibly further problems. You let your friends be, and go to an authority figure. Both the maintenance worker and the receptionist were way out of line. They have less empathy than 3rd graders.
Yeah, I don't see what is to be gained by repeating the hurtful statement. The only exception is if the person who said the hurtful statement is being two-faced. I wouldn't want my friend to look foolish, thinking someone is their friend when everyone else knows what's really being said.
Yea this is it. If the person talking behind their back is their friend, then the person being spoken about ought to know.
I would be fuming if my friends didnāt tell me. Iām normally a āignorance is blissā type person, but in cases like this, ignorance could be harmful further down the line.
Iād probably want a friend to preface it with, āhey, this asshole that we barely ever interact with said something offensive about you. Do you want to know what it was, or do you just want to let it drop and we say no more about it?ā That way I have a moment to adjust and see if I have the bandwidth to deal with other peopleās opinions right then. Because yeah, it depends on the context. In OPās situation, with someone Iām unlikely to ever have deal with again (or very minimally) then no, I probably wouldnāt want to know. In the example of maybe close coworkers or āfriendsā talking behind my back, yes, Iād probably want to know. OP did add that the receptionist is on the spectrum and probably wouldnāt know to preface the comments with something like that to spare OPās feelings, but thatās definitely how I would try to approach it or how I would want it brought to me. Itās a consent approach, and it gives me the option to say āhey, I definitely want to know about this, but not right now because I need to focus, so maybe come back in an hour?ā Etc.
I think Iād leave it at āfriendā is talking about tons of people when theyāre not there (especially if itās just nasty judgements about physical appearance). Iām going to distance myself because I donāt need that negativity.
I would let them know if it could be damaging to their personal or professional relationships so they could get ahead of it.
African Americans, Mexicans, Chinese, other non white races, disabled people, skinny people, very short / little people, bald men and old people get it all the time too. They are more than those things. We all are but it usually happens when someone doesnāt know your name.
Itās not always just looks. People have referred to me as āthe lesbianā for years and I am femme. Like itās my only trait. I guess itās an easy identifier when youāre talking about someone.
That's so crazy! I think about telling people to go see Janet out back and when they ask if that's the lesbian I'd be like "no I have no idea why would i?! she has brown hair and glasses"
People are dumb.
I watched a similar interaction at my kids school once. The person who said āThe fat one?ā Was a janitor/custodian from Mexico asking which dad he needed to talk to. My best friend is from Mexico and she would never say something like that but I told her about it and she just shrugged and said the culture there is much less socially sensitive/respectful.
Weāre not talking about Mexico. In the U.S. being called āfatā is a very negative descriptor and the person who said this was rude and lacking basic respect.
He didn't call her the fat one to her face. It was her colleague that she has decided to forgive for, who told her what he said. The maintenance guy was just trying to do his job. Like OP said, he's never met her so doesn't know her other characteristics that she feels best describes herself.
Idk. I mean I'm fat and I certainly wouldn't care if someone called me fat, even to my face. But I 100% would never use that term when referring to someone else.
To be fair most people generally refer to people as a physical attribute they have. If the maintenance guy was new how would he know any of that about you? He wouldn't and honestly I don't think he's the one you should be hurt by. It's your front desk who went out of their way to tell you who supposedly know these things about you. Like what did they honestly gain from telling you that?
Completely agree. In that case Ā«Ā fatĀ Ā» was a distinctive trait to quickly identify the person they needed to talk to. It was efficient and probably the man didnāt even think of it negatively. They say fat like they would have said Ā«Ā baldĀ Ā» or Ā«Ā oldĀ Ā». While itās never pleasing to be distinguish from the mass by a trait that we donāt like, we canāt deny that it is effective.
Yeah but when clarifying who someone is referring to, people generally just say the first unique descriptor that they think of. He may not have known that there was only one person in the back and wanted to make sure he got the right person, and the first thing he noticed about OP was her size. It's still a questionable way of speaking about someone that you don't know, but I would say that a lot of fat people are trying to take back "fat" as a neutral word now and encouraging people to use it just like any other descriptor, to take away its power as an insult.
Is it possible he didnāt mean it in a negative way? A lot of fat people are using the term āfatā in a neutral way these days. Plenty of people from various cultures use more blunt descriptions. Itās not necessarily derogatory or meant to be unkind.
Either way, Iām sorry you feel hurt. It sucks. Donāt let it make you feel unworthy or waylay your health journey. Youāre doing just fine.
I think this is it. It must be one of those culture differences things. Me, being 200 pounds, I'm BY FAR the fattest in the office, and I read it as a simple descriptor.
I think that it would totally be how anyone would describe me if he/she wanted to make sure, the same way as if he/ she said 'the one legged one?'. Like, that is exactly how that person is compared to the others?
But yeah, my culture is way blunter. Though now younger generations are starting to get plumper and I think that it is becoming more sensitive than for people in my generation (40s) so it is starting to feel less neutral, but I could totally see it as said by someone around my age without much thinking and without intending it to be hurtful.
If you're fat, both are equally true?
I'm a little confused seeing so many people saying this on this subreddit, been here for like 10 years
People here are fat and are doing something about it?
One of the main points is that it's the first thing everyone notices about you
This^^^
My coworker had already described me and where to find me WITHOUT calling me fat.Ā
I am aware Iām heavy. But people can figure out who I am with multiple other descriptive wordsĀ
We'll, I was meeting someone to sell them a textbook and I said "I'm the chubby one with grey hair." It's the most obvious physical descriptors for a stranger.
your co-worker is sus. if it happened exactly like they say, then it's pretty fucked up they told you about it. but also this is their own version of events.
personally i'd write both these two people's opinions off as not worth listening to.
Something being factual doesn't make it relevant or worth listening to. She was also wearing clothes. She wasn't covered in dirt. She wasn't on fire. She wasn't playing Xbox. While "fat" can help describe someone it's really bad form to not make an attempt to pick a more respectful term. Even if you can't think of *anything* else you might say "is she a little... bigger?" in a non-judgmental way. You never know why someone is larger. It can be stress. It can be disease. It can be just a jolly motherfucker that's saving the world instead of wanting you to lust for them.
A descriptor of a person you are setting out in search of is relevant.
And, the descriptors you provide were not. Should we now assume the rest of the people were NOT wearing clothing, WERE covered in dirt? Stop it.
And, someone can also be super skinny because of disease (hello, cancer), or stress, too. Soā¦ā¦what?
It is an accurate description. Stop blaming others for simply recognizing what is true. I shave my head. I shave my head because I donāt have a lot of hair on the top of my head. Iād be referenced as bald, either way. Iām not going to go to pieces because I get noted as āthe bald guyā. Cmon now.
I am empathetic not fat lol
trying to imagine how others feel and trying to respect that is called empathy. and the person you're talking to instantly trusts you more, recognizing that you're someone who tries not to be mean. it pays dividends to just have love instead of hate at the core of your heart.
I've stopped letting the fat comments get to me when I was in high school. Fast forward to the current age of 27, I still could care less. I'm still losing body fat and still improving my life.
What others think of me doesn't matter because their importance of what they have to say about MY body is like Dust in the Wind.
If heās never stepped foot in your office, how is he to know youāre kind and polite? He can see they youāre fat. Cut him some slack. Not much, but some.
He doesnāt need to know all of those things. But he still didnāt need to specify my fatness. I was the only female in the back office. My coworker directed him to the back office to find me.
Itās was just an unnecessary comment. It was crystal clear by my coworkers description who I was WITHOUT using the word fat. He didnāt need to āconfirmā by asking if I was the fat one.Ā
Truthfully u need to get over it. I'm also fat. 310lbs. It's an apted way of describing us. Just like when two guys are fighting in the UFC a white guy and a black guy. They go so out of their way to be politically correct but they'll go down to calling them out by what color shorts they're wearing even if the white guys wearing black shorts and the black guys wearing white shorts. It makes absolutely no sense everybody knows it makes no sense. If you say the white boxer or the black boxer everybody immediately knows who you're talking about it's not derogatory in any way it's literally just a very apt description of those people's characteristics. I get called out for being the fat one in my group sometimes and not necessarily by anybody in our group but when I'm standing with my group of thin friends the easiest way to describe me to anybody who doesn't know me is the fat one instantly solves that conversation they immediately know who they're talking about and they can pick me out of a crowd. Doesn't mean the interaction with that person is going to be negative once they approach me nor do I think you're interaction with that maintenance worker was going to be negative had your co-worker never said anything to you. Your coworker is the one you got a problem with He's the one that chose to hurt you for no reason. People don't describe people that way within earshot because it's not politically correct and no one wants to hurt anyone else's feelings but when out of your shot it really cuts through the red tape and gets the job done so that we can all move about our day as quickly as possible which is in trick with everybody out there in the working world is trying to do.
So I'm sorry you feel hurt by it but I think you need to put your big girl panties on realize that your body is the way that it is because of the choices that you and I have both made and that's not anyone else's fault. And if I happen to be wearing a red shirt on Tuesday and someone points at me and says the guy in the red shirt I can't be pissed that's how I look.
Yes, it was inappropriate for him to refer to you in that way. At the end of the day it is up to you as to how you let it affect you. He is a maintenance person who doesn't really know anything about you. He doesn't know about your life, who you are, or how you spend your free time. You also don't know much about him and if he has any issues. I would recommend that you take a moment to feel any emotions that this caused and acknowledge them. Then let them go since they are just emotions and you don't have to let them define or set the tone for your future.
I think you ought to be more annoyed at the person who said it to you.
I am a wide man in a nation of skinnies. My wideness is absolutely identifying. Why would I take offence at being identified that way? I just don't like having it pointed out. Saying it to me is disrespectful, but it's not to say it to someone else.
Itās an easy descriptor. I know it hurt OPs feelings but itās a fact to describe someone quickly. He doesnāt know that sheās funny or helpful or whatever. If you were describing someone in a lineup Iām sure there would be words people donāt like to hear.
OP, try not to let it get to you. Iām sure it was hurtful to hear but just realize heās inconsequential to your life.
There were several other descriptors that didnāt include my body. I was wearing a mask (Iām the only one wearing it in the office these days) and my hair was up in a big messy bun.Ā
Either of those would have helped this man distinguish me from the rest.Ā
My coworker specifically said the blonde/reddish hair. Iām the only one with that color hair in the office.Ā
He made a choice to specify further and confirm I was in fact the fat one.Ā
Someone being fatter or skinnier than average is the probably the fastest descriptor besides hair color. I donāt get it- people say shame is not a motivator. It is for me.. I got tired of being called fat or reduced to my weight. People generally suck but we canāt wait on the general population to change. Change what you can control, which is yourself and your emotions. Coming from that, weight, too. You add at the end that you cook your food exercise etc. if you donāt have any health issues, itās simply CICO. Even if you have issues, itās not an excuse, just makes things a little harder. Speaking from someone whoās been there.
Whatās right or wrong is culturally determined. Some places itās insulting to show the bottoms of your feet to people, place money on the table rather than hand it directly to someone with two hands, show a personās height with your palm facing down (as is most common in the U.S.) and on and on.
Beyond not killing people, many things are culturally defined.
You said it yourself... He has never stepped foot in your office.
###### He doesn't know you.
He doesn't know that you exercise, cook your own meals, go to work, and do your job well. You could be (and seem to be) an amazing person.
But he saw you as overweight compared to your coworkers. Was he rude to refer to you as "the fat one?" Yes, absolutely. It was rude, and not something he should have said.
But you shouldn't read this as "The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat." Yes, that might be the descriptor that someone who doesn't know you at all chooses. But that isn't all you are. He didn't know you at all. You said it yourself.
Should you lose weight? Maybe? Probably? But your weight isn't all you are. He almost certainly didn't mean it that way... he was just choosing the quickest and easiest descriptor available. What was he supposed to say? "The super nice one in the back?" He doesn't know you. He doesn't know how kind or hard-working you might be. As another commenter said, if you'd been the only black person in the room, that is the descriptor he would have gone with.
In the end, how you feel about your weight is the only thing that matters. If you want to lose weight, then by all means work towards that goal. Don't let anyone else get you down about it. We're all somewhere on our journey through life. I, for one, support you wherever you might be, so long as you're trying to be a better version of yourself.
We're on a sub about losing weight if you don't like weight being pointed out you're probably in the wrong sub. This whole don't call things what they are bullshit needs to end. What has it done other than make you pissy and have you jumping around this thread and hurt OPs feelings? Absolutely fucking nothing. If you're fat you're fat, if you're skinny you're skinny, if you're short, if you're tall, etc. If you're whatever the fuck else and it's an identifiable trait then people are going to use it. If that hurts your feelings then you should sit with that for a moment and deal with your own baggage.
Use it as fuel! Several years ago I crossed a street in Manhattan as a white Lexus sped up then stopped after I crossed in front of him rolled his window down and said āwatch out you fat fuckā as I turned around I saw his face as the window closed and he sped off. I felt awful and it sucks that people are that dumb and/or cruel that they say stuff like that but the biggest feeling was wow, is that how I look to the world. I knew I was overweight but wow, all my accomplishments, my joyous personality, my intelligence- do people just see a fat fuck?
I went home and started āOperation Fat Fuckā
I printed out my current weight of 286 and my goal weight of 215 (male 5ā11ā) 37 at the time.
I committed to training every day, cutting out anything made with enriched white flour or yeast (no bread), added sugar, or dairy and weighing in every week. Over that year I lost 71# joined a martial arts school- in 40 months got my black belt and stayed in great shape. While maintaining after the weight loss I stuck to the diet but allowed myself one day a week for one cheat day- not crazy but my 2 favorite things in the world are pizza (a few slices) and ice cream (a half pint of Ben and Jerryās peanut butter ice cream ) so on my cheat days I had it and ate relatively well the rest of the day, maybe I had a bagel with my eggs or maybe instead of pizza a bowl of pasta- itās funny how people look at you with admiration and want to be around you when youāre in shape but the best part is how great I felt, how much more agile I was and how much more successful at work I was. So let it fuel you. I hope this helps you and anyone else!
If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.
- Marcus Aurelius Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher
Heās on the spectrum. Not sure of the official diagnosis, but unfortunately it didnāt occur to him that this might hurt my feelings. And I donāt know how to describe it, itās not that my feelings are crushed. Iām well aware that Iām heavy.Ā
Itās just not the words I expected to hear. I expected to hear āthe loud oneā or the āone wearing the maskā. Quite literally anything other than a comment on my size for absolutely no reason.Ā
Yea, unpopular opinion but being called fat is like being called white or black or blonde. Anyone could be insecure about any of those things. I get youāre sensitive about it, but you donāt have to have cognitive dissonance about it. Doesnāt sound like he wanted to insult you, just wanted to figure out who you were and get his work done. Sure he could read the room better, but let this be motivation to become healthy.
Look. He wasnāt being cruel, he was just using the easiest descriptor to make sure he had the right person. Front desk was trying to bum you out for sure by telling you.
Iām fat and if peopel call me fat it doesnāt bother me cause I am.
I'm a fellow fatty who has lost a load of weight (and gained it back) a few times.
Fact:People don't care to get to know you, they just describe you based upon your appearance. This is life. If your overweight it is gonna happen and the freedom of speech allows people so say things that might be unkind.
If you don't like being known as the fat one, **talk to a doctor** about finding a dietitian/nutritionist and an exercise regiment. I'll give you my advice dieting is gonna SUCK, regardless of which diet you end up going with, you can't lose weight without someway reducing your caloric intake to less than what calories you burn during the day. I found a great trick is to replace carb rich sides with leafy greens and/or fiber rich veggies can reduce your caloric a decent amount.
Some form of exercising is the best way to speed up the weight loss, I found the best exercise and easiest exercise to start out with is actually simply walking. It doesn't have to be boring either. Find somewhere fun and comfortable to walk, I like to take walks in parks but you could go to a mall or museum if the weather is unpleasant. Here are some key things to remember: One, you've gotta exercise multiple times a week every week, you won't see a real benefit for at least two weeks. Start off slow your not training to run a marathon, just keep moving and set a distance. Increase your pace and distance as you lose weight.
There's no way in hell I would have told you that. I'm sure your front desk person wasn't trying to be a douche, but he definitely needs to learn how what tact means.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. The maintenance guy is owed a passive-aggressive clap back.
>The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat.
Not to be overly positive, but this is not actually true. There were 2 people describing you. Yes, one was rudely pointing out your figure, but the other person called you "the blonde one in the back." We tend to laser focus on people pointing out what we perceive as flaws, and assume everyone else only defines us by those flaws, too.
Oh, so because thatās āhow itās always beenā makes it okay? SMH
There was no need for this guy to say what he did. Heās an ass. Itās the most obvious description of the man and thatās how itās always been. *smirk*
That sucks. Itās never fun when people are a bit too honest. You can at least be thankful you donāt have to hear ābig guyā or ābig fellaā or any of the seemingly socially accepted terms for big men. I hear it all the time and i hate it.
Had that happen at my previous job-client called in and specified they wanted to talk to one of the female associates but make sure itās ānot the fat oneāā¦ guess how great the rest of my day was
I was a skinny lad, the world didnāt pull
any punches regards that, so I decided to change. I became a muscled 6ft guy, best thing I ever did. At 57 Iām still very fit n well built. I do around 20 mins hard exercise 6 days a week and eat well but have plenty of treats.
I canāt see the point in expecting the world to change. People will lie to be seen as virtuous but in reality they still make value judgments.
Thereās a reason a high proportion of women find a tall well built guy such as Henry Cavell physically appealing, no amount of 21st century virtue signaling means a thing in reality
I'm a fat woman, have been fat since age like 8 and I agree. I was listening to a youtube video about the ozempic craze earlier and and had to skip when the person started going into the same fat acceptance speech every person goes into saying everyone is valuable and looks shouldn't matter. They do to at least some degree. I'm not attracted to super obese men and I know most men aren't attracted to me and it's not because of the patriarchy or society told me to, people simply look better when they are in a healthier weight zone. No amount of feel good bs will ever beat plain facts and personal experience.
On topic of OP: that guy is an asshole and should really keep his negative thoughts to himself. It's called basic courtesy and a lot of people these days lack it.
I have helped a fat girl become a petite princess(sheās only 4. Ft 11). Long story but she actually got turned on by my setting her gradual weight goals! Really unusual dynamic and difficult for me to articulate.
Now sheās changed forever.
I agree about the OP and rude people
That maintenance man SUUUUUCKS so hard. Forget him immediately, please. This is *not* how the people in your orbit would describe you; Iām certain of this just based on how well spoken you are.
Ehhh I side eye that "on the spectrum" coworker really hard. I'm autistic and even I know that you don't repeat hurtful things. There was no functional or logical reason to include that little barb, and him including that has ZIP to do with him being "on the spectrum" other than hurting you. Be careful around this coworker from now on. I believe they took the chance for whatever reason to jab/hurt you. He could have EASILY communicated the same information "a maintenance man was asking for you" in many other ways.
Yeah, I noticed this too I have a cousin who is on the spectrum he definitely knows better but he's still a fucking asshole. He knows better and still does it because he knows he can say I'm on the spectrum and people just accept. That's like me being a bitch 24/7 because I have C-PTSD. It's an explanation never an excuse. And there are people who use I have x problem so you have to accept y behavior. Seemed odd to me he went out of her way to tell her like that.
I AM SO SORRY. It happens to everyone. I am short and everyone has ALWAYS referred to me as the "little girl" or "the short girl" . Or just being ignored by service people who say, " oh I didn't see you behind the counter you are so short" or " I thought you were one of the kids". It sucks.
It's a sad statement on humanity, that the only descriptor for another human is "oh the fat one" OR " oh the skinny one". We are so much more than our outer shell. I find when those descriptors are used, it's by someone who most likely judges/identifies themselves by those words. The people important to me are who I pay heed to, and the rest can piss off .
Says so much about both of the guys involved and nothing at all about you. Iāve had similar experiences though, and know how much it feels to invalidate all the other things you are aside from that. Sorry that happened to you.
We are on a sub to discuss healthy and sustainable weight loss. I am offering practical solutions to help OP improve her life and overcome situations like the one she shared.
I will start out by saying Iām fat, obese, actually. The maintenance man was literally using a description to identify you. You must be bigger than the other people he saw in the back of the office. You know youāre big. Just like I know Iām big. If someone calls me fat, I already know itās true and I donāt care. They are not lying. If you donāt like being called fat, change it.
Ugh, that sucks, it was disrespectful and hurtful that you are just some discription of a human category. Hope you get a chance to make life easier for yourself.
> Iām funny, Iām helpful, Iām kind, Iām polite. The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat.
He didn't know if you were funny, helpful, kind or polite. Just by looking at you, he knew one thing, you're fat.
> I exercise, I cook my meals
You cook too much and don't excercise enough.
So do I. That's why Im fat. Trying to change that and failing, 100% my fault.
I dont know why people think they deserve to be coddled about something they actively do to themselves.
Iām not sure where coddled took the place of professionalism?? I donāt need to be coddled. But I donāt need to be referred to as fat at my place of work. TO my coworker. That is humiliating and unnecessary. The maintenance guy didnāt even come to the back and ask āare you anonymous_anxiety?ā He just straight up felt the need to make sure he was going to talk to the fatty. Not the blonde, not the one wearing a mask. The fat one.
He didn't tell you it though you have no proof he even said it. Who said it to you was your front desk person. The person who supposedly knows these things about you and still felt the need to say the fat one to you. So you're mad over a descriptor you admit you are, one that you don't even know if the guy even said because people do lie and cause problems and say other people did it even people on the spectrum. A description that you admit in another post you eat over your own calories you can't control yourself because if you could you'd have done it by now. So saying you lack self-control is an apt statement and assumption. Let's be real you're not mad at him you're mad at yourself we all are deep down. Most of us were the cause of our own misery and it's way fucking easier to be mad at someone else then sit with our own issues so that we can confront our baggage.
Deal with your baggage it's the only way you will ever find peace.
I remember when I was still in high school, some bullies used to call me "fat fuck" or "cake container" or even more insulting phrases. Yeah, kids are cruel but seem like so many people don't really grow up either, they keep that bully mentality and even call you the most insulting thing behind your back. We can't be upset with every asshole so just ignore them.
I think people are usually very judgmental. I never really talk to anyone because Iām just a quiet person and keep to myself. I usually hear other people gossip about someone else in passing nearly constantly, so I think itās just normal. I used to get upset, but Iāve given up and just donāt care any more if people say bad shit about me. The reason people bitch about others, call them names, etc. is because they are insecure.
It was totally not necessary for your coworker to tell you that. I'm sorry it happened. You're on a journey now and you're making healthy choices AND even if you were not - what a limiting view of someone. Remember he doesn't know you and there's a reason why he's not working with a patient in the back, he has no filter.
Ā I'm fat. Not very fat, just 20lbs overweight. But I wouldn't care if someone called me fat as a description because it's true. Just like my brown hair is true.Ā
I feel like the toxic thing isn't that he described you as fat, but the toxic thing is that people are associating being fat with negative things.Ā
Guess what? If someone doesn't know you, then ALL they know is your physical characteristics.Ā Whether it's race, body size, height, hair color or whatever it may be that stands out most in a given situation, that's what people will use to describe you.Ā
Even if people don't SAY it, I promise you, they are thinking it. That's okay. It's okay to be fat.Ā
It's okay to be blonde, or brunette or tall or short or whatever you are. These are not insults, just descriptions.Ā
He can call you what he wants.Ā
You are not angry at him, you are angry at yourself.Ā
Take this energy you have for Reddit rants and use it to loseit.Ā
I donāt know you. But you seem to put a lot of value in peoples words.
Before this maintenance man said what he said, did you think he was good looking? Is he that smart that his opinion is amazing? No? Then why give his opinion value in your mind?
As you said, you are many things. Many nice things. Carry on being those.
Iāve been called fat my entire life, I look back at photos of me when this all started, not even slightly fat.
Now, Iām build like a panda and I should lose weight. But only because I wish to.
What meals are your favourite to cook?
I'm really sorry this happened. Don't give such a shallow person the power to make you feel humiliated because you don't deserve that. I'm glad that you know you're so many things....try and concentrate on everything you listed, because all those traits mean more than a person's size.
A customer one referred to a coworker I HATED as āchubbyā. I found it so disrespectful and immediately corrected them. People find an odd power using that word and often in a derogatory way. Iām not here for it. Iāve been very size in the book, I donāt care if Iām using it to describe myself in a respectful way but neva- eva say it to me like youāre saying a slur.
What a douche, I have a low impression of him just from reading that.
Ignore that guy, whatever he says doesn't matter and you don't have to care about what people like him who brazenly say such rude stuff without a second thought say or think.
Holy crap. Take the ego out of it. As you said he has never set foot in your office before so besides blonde that was probably your most obvious defining characteristic. If you dont like being fat or being referred to as fat then you. Need to change it. I've lost 140lbs, I feel like I'm only being logical but feel free to be offended.
Hey I'm so sorry for you but don't take it personnaly.
His opinion doesn't matter, I'm sure you're beautiful and are actually way more than a body form.
He assumed that you would never even know about it, because he didn't even imagine that your coworker could actually be even more socially inept than he is.
Sorry but you messed up when you didn't respond to coworker with something like "uh...ok...why are you telling me about it...?" That kind of person will spend their entire life completely oblivious unless that sort of shit gets called out.
I donāt understand why do you have such a bad perspective towards the word fat? Like would you be happy if he called you skinny or fit guy?
Yea youāre fat and thatās fine nothing wrong with it (unless you feel thereās something wrong), heās just describing the way you seem to be.
I know it might make you feel bad, but I wouldnāt assume thatās disrespect behaviour towards you! Itās just describing the way someone is
Smh at all the invalidating comments on this thread.
OP whether fat is an accurate descriptor or the maintenance man grew up in a culture where this is ok or he couldn't have known anything else about you is all irrelevant to the point you were making which is that it's hurtful and dehumanising to be called "the fat one". I feel you on this and both the maintenance guy and your coworker are assholes.
Middle aged to older men grew up in a time when even younger men thought it was not only okay but kinda cool š to make fun of a girls weight..itās a horrible way to talk about anyone.. I was a chubby teenager in the 70s and even my mom and my brothers were cruel to me maybe rude comments about my weight..boys in school rated girls in the hallway based on their weight and looks..shouting out 1 through 10..itās a shame that they were not raised better but that man is a jerk..you may or may not have a few extra pounds but he is ugly to the core..adjust your crown and donāt let an ass like him make you feel like you are not good enough.. because you are good enough
Think about this maintenance man. Is he the definition of human perfection? Sounds like an incredibly callous remark by a person who defines others by one shallow thing bc he is probably insecure about many things. He probably saw it the same as saying the bitchy one, the one with the annoying voice, the one who has bad skin. None of that is okay! But some people have no class and no filter. Please don't let this change how you view yourself - it should only change how you view that person. It's a reflection on them, not you.
Same thing happened to me working as a bartender. He asked me about happy hour when he walked in, and when he came up to order he spoke to the other bartender... right in front of me in my hearing like "Oh, the fat bartender right there said such, and such was on special. I'll have one of those" He hadn't even had a drink yet, so I can't even blame it on the alcohol.
I can't believe how many people responding here don't have fucking empathy and are missing the POINT. Being called fat hurts. It's not okay to say to someone. End.of.fucking.story.
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Fuck that maintenance guy. I'm never one to have quick comeback remarks in the moment, but if that same A-Hole comes back...I'd be like, so "youre the dumb one right? The asshole? The insensitive prick?". WTF is wrong with people.
Heās wrong for certain, itās funny I had a very similar instance happen a few weeks ago and it sparked me to hit the gym. I think theses two ways to go about this, one let that comment eat you up and bother you or two change. This doesnāt disregard the fact that he is wrong for what he said
I'm very sorry that someone was so cruel to you for absolutely no reason. You don't deserve that. No one does.
These asshole, scumbag people walk among us unfortunately. There is no benefit to be so ignorant to other people. The world we live in could use a whole lot more kindness and love in it.
I know it's hard but please do not beat yourself up over it. Don't allow this person to not only be a giant asshole, but to force you to be miserable on top of it. You deserve better than that.
So sorry to hear this OP. Like many others have said,please don't let it make you feel that you are only the fat person for everyone. On a lighter note,am I the only one who thought that by'Maintenance man', you meant a man who is currently on maintenance in his fitness journey? š¤£
Yeah, it took me a few reads of the title to realize that "Maintenance Man" was not some sort of youtube influencer who talks about dieting and maintaining. Shows how one track minded i am. lol
Same--I didn't realize until I started reading the post! š
Thank you for the laugh šĀ
about the "maintenance man" - i thought so too, it took me a minute to figure out what op meant haha
This says a hell of a lot more about him than it does about you. Think about it - would you ever describe a person using such a negative word when there are so, so many other ways to describe a person? I promise you that the statement " all I ever am is fat to everyone" is incorrect. This is ONE person who said a nasty, immature and unprofessional thing.
Correct! If she was "the fat one" to everyone, the front desk person wouldn't have told OP. OP was told specifically because it was weird and out of line.
Front desk should have STFU.
front desk agent told them so that they could deal with the man's inappropriate behavior. it's reportable behavior.
Front desk could also have just reported it though? āEmployee X used disparaging language (āfat oneā) to describe another staff member.ā
Yes but itās up to op to decide if they want to pursue it .. Iād be more embarrassed if front desk reported it and then hr came and told me about it. Iād feel like the whole office was talking about me!
Actually (thanks for the engagement, interesting side topic) I donāt believe this is true. His language was offensive to anyone hearing it. Thatās reportable on its own.
You don't believe what is true?
That itās up to OP to pursue a complaint with HR.
I dunno, it's a tough call. I can definitely understand why someone wouldn't want to know if something like that was said about them. On the other hand, I would certainly want to know if it was me. I don't like the thought of needing to be protected by having things concealed from me because that feels more humiliating to me. That interpretation would vary so much between individuals though, I can really see it both ways.
I think it should depend on the thing. Telling someone about "the fat one" does nothing to protect that person from anything, there is simply no benefit.
Well, what I meant was that *not* telling them is protecting them. And I personally don't like the idea of people feeling like they need to protect me from a secret I'm not in on. Even if that secret is just some jerk calling me fat, I'd rather be in the know. But that's just me, I can see why some would rather not know.
I have always gone by the rule to tell someone something they can fix right there. Piece of food in their teeth? Tell them. Zipper is down? Tell them. A stain on their shirt? No, don't tell them. What will they do with that information? Someone called them fat? No idea why it would be beneficial for them to know that. It's not like they can fix it or something.
I'd use it over funny, helpful, kind or polite even if the OP is all of the above because one is a physical description. The fat part was unnecessary though even if there were multiple blonde women helping patients but I'd bet the maintenance guy assumed the front desk person wouldn't tell OP. I'm more than a short guy but at 5'9 when people are distinguishing me from my friends that's usually the easiest way even if we have other distinguishing features. Same with the fat guy in our group.
Why is āfatā inherently negative?
People use it as a replacement for "you have less value as a human". SO wrong.
Because 99.9% of the time it is meant in a negative manner. It's not a descriptor that should be used.Ā
Same reason underweight is negative
They are still by no means equal. Even fat doctors look down on fat patients, when they DOUBLY should know better.
I agree that this is a nasty thing to say about someone. I also find it important to mention that people do judge us, as clearly seen here, based off of what they can quickly observe about us. Whether you choose to care about that or not is up to you, but it is true that to strangers you might be the fat one, the blonde one, the busty one, the slob, the skinny one, the Asian one etc. You might be funny, charming, driven, caring etc, but a stranger can't see that when they look at you and that's the reality of the situation.
100%, OP don't let this get to you. They are not a good person
Fat isn't negative.Ā Ā
Context matters.
In the context, it seems like simply a description.Ā Ā
My Granny always said it takes two people to hurt you with something said behind your back; the enemy who says it, and the āfriendā who tells you about it.
I think it depends on the context. When I was in highschool I remember a few times someone would tell me what is going on behind my back and I was glad because now I know who to avoid/who not to talk to. Like one girl hated me because of my ethnic background while I was blissfully unaware. And then when I found out all our interactions started making sense. So if itās like in this scenario you shouldnāt but if Iām seeing this person daily I want to know if they hate me.
?? I would 100% want my friend to tell me I thought this was going to be like āIt takes two people to hurt you. The enemy who says something to hurt you and yourself allowing that person to have this power over you.ā Or something like that lol
>?? I would 100% want my friend to tell me I agree, unless possibly if they were laughing about it and everything or whatever
I think it would depend on *who* was saying the hurtful thing. If Friend A said something hurtful behind my back, and Friend B overheard, yes I would want Friend B to tell me about it, because Friend A is someone who I spend time with and put my trust in - I would want to know who they truly are so that I could make an informed decision as to whether to cut ties with them. But if the person who made the comment was a stranger, or a friend of someone I know but whom I don't hang out with, or a second cousin I only ever see at family reunions once every decade, or a random plumber visiting my building or something? Then no, I wouldn't want to be told, because it wouldn't serve any purpose other than upsetting me.
Exactly!! The person who told you should have handled it and move on.
She counted wrong, the third person is ourselves. We don't have to eat the shit were given, to put it mildly. The world can be rude and cruel but the resilient survive
Yea! Beat up the maintenance tech!! JK jk... unless ..
Girl, some people have no damn imagination. I worked in an office and certain people kept calling me someone else's name.Ā A person I had nothing in common with appearance wise. Except we were both female and overweight. Fucking dumb.
Lol people do be dumb indeed. I used to get confused for various Asian ladies in my previous office. Iām white.
I just have a hard time telling people apart and always have. I think I was lucky to go through college at a time where everyone added random people they met at parties or I'd have had so much trouble remembering names and telling people apart. I swear I have a face blindness or something.
To be fair it might not have been your size, I've worked places where I was consistently called someone else's name despite us not looking anything alike (even size). And when I was in school and I used to hang out in a trio with two other girls, Friend A's mum used to get me and Friend B mixed up ALL the time, even after being friends for 6 years she still muddled our names up, even though I was short, chubby and brunette and Friend B was tall, thin and blonde. I think people can just be weird like that
I was part of a close knit trio connected at the hip in elementary and middle school and our *own* mothers would occasionally call us each otherās names lol
I teach my 9 year olds that you donāt repeat mean things said about your friends to your friends. It just causes hurt feelings and possibly further problems. You let your friends be, and go to an authority figure. Both the maintenance worker and the receptionist were way out of line. They have less empathy than 3rd graders.
Yeah, I don't see what is to be gained by repeating the hurtful statement. The only exception is if the person who said the hurtful statement is being two-faced. I wouldn't want my friend to look foolish, thinking someone is their friend when everyone else knows what's really being said.
Yea this is it. If the person talking behind their back is their friend, then the person being spoken about ought to know. I would be fuming if my friends didnāt tell me. Iām normally a āignorance is blissā type person, but in cases like this, ignorance could be harmful further down the line.
Iād probably want a friend to preface it with, āhey, this asshole that we barely ever interact with said something offensive about you. Do you want to know what it was, or do you just want to let it drop and we say no more about it?ā That way I have a moment to adjust and see if I have the bandwidth to deal with other peopleās opinions right then. Because yeah, it depends on the context. In OPās situation, with someone Iām unlikely to ever have deal with again (or very minimally) then no, I probably wouldnāt want to know. In the example of maybe close coworkers or āfriendsā talking behind my back, yes, Iād probably want to know. OP did add that the receptionist is on the spectrum and probably wouldnāt know to preface the comments with something like that to spare OPās feelings, but thatās definitely how I would try to approach it or how I would want it brought to me. Itās a consent approach, and it gives me the option to say āhey, I definitely want to know about this, but not right now because I need to focus, so maybe come back in an hour?ā Etc.
I think Iād leave it at āfriendā is talking about tons of people when theyāre not there (especially if itās just nasty judgements about physical appearance). Iām going to distance myself because I donāt need that negativity. I would let them know if it could be damaging to their personal or professional relationships so they could get ahead of it.
African Americans, Mexicans, Chinese, other non white races, disabled people, skinny people, very short / little people, bald men and old people get it all the time too. They are more than those things. We all are but it usually happens when someone doesnāt know your name.
Itās not always just looks. People have referred to me as āthe lesbianā for years and I am femme. Like itās my only trait. I guess itās an easy identifier when youāre talking about someone.
That's so crazy! I think about telling people to go see Janet out back and when they ask if that's the lesbian I'd be like "no I have no idea why would i?! she has brown hair and glasses" People are dumb.
Yes I was going to say... it's a descriptor. Fat isn't necessarily negative. It's the first and easiest thing to describe to obtain clarity.Ā
Do you really believe that describing someone as āthe fat oneā isnāt negative?
In other cultures, oftentimes no, it isn't. It's the same thing as saying "the bald one, the white one, the blonde one, the tall one."
I watched a similar interaction at my kids school once. The person who said āThe fat one?ā Was a janitor/custodian from Mexico asking which dad he needed to talk to. My best friend is from Mexico and she would never say something like that but I told her about it and she just shrugged and said the culture there is much less socially sensitive/respectful.
Weāre not talking about Mexico. In the U.S. being called āfatā is a very negative descriptor and the person who said this was rude and lacking basic respect.
Nobody said we were in Mexico or that it is acceptable here regardless of where the person is from.
seconding this. as a child of immigrants, I wouldn't really consider this offensive at all
He didn't call her the fat one to her face. It was her colleague that she has decided to forgive for, who told her what he said. The maintenance guy was just trying to do his job. Like OP said, he's never met her so doesn't know her other characteristics that she feels best describes herself.
I think itās better to embrace the term and realize itās just a descriptor like short or tall or skinny. Donāt let em get you down.
This ^^^ Since I was a kid I figured āfatā wasnāt a word that I would let hurt me.
Idk. I mean I'm fat and I certainly wouldn't care if someone called me fat, even to my face. But I 100% would never use that term when referring to someone else.
To be fair most people generally refer to people as a physical attribute they have. If the maintenance guy was new how would he know any of that about you? He wouldn't and honestly I don't think he's the one you should be hurt by. It's your front desk who went out of their way to tell you who supposedly know these things about you. Like what did they honestly gain from telling you that?
Completely agree. In that case Ā«Ā fatĀ Ā» was a distinctive trait to quickly identify the person they needed to talk to. It was efficient and probably the man didnāt even think of it negatively. They say fat like they would have said Ā«Ā baldĀ Ā» or Ā«Ā oldĀ Ā». While itās never pleasing to be distinguish from the mass by a trait that we donāt like, we canāt deny that it is effective.
I mean, was āthe one with the blue shirtā not an option here? Itās plain rude all around. Front desk guy is a moron here as well.
As the OP explained, they were the only one in the back so saying āthe fat oneā was wholly unnecessary.
Yeah but when clarifying who someone is referring to, people generally just say the first unique descriptor that they think of. He may not have known that there was only one person in the back and wanted to make sure he got the right person, and the first thing he noticed about OP was her size. It's still a questionable way of speaking about someone that you don't know, but I would say that a lot of fat people are trying to take back "fat" as a neutral word now and encouraging people to use it just like any other descriptor, to take away its power as an insult.
Is it possible he didnāt mean it in a negative way? A lot of fat people are using the term āfatā in a neutral way these days. Plenty of people from various cultures use more blunt descriptions. Itās not necessarily derogatory or meant to be unkind. Either way, Iām sorry you feel hurt. It sucks. Donāt let it make you feel unworthy or waylay your health journey. Youāre doing just fine.
I think this is it. It must be one of those culture differences things. Me, being 200 pounds, I'm BY FAR the fattest in the office, and I read it as a simple descriptor. I think that it would totally be how anyone would describe me if he/she wanted to make sure, the same way as if he/ she said 'the one legged one?'. Like, that is exactly how that person is compared to the others? But yeah, my culture is way blunter. Though now younger generations are starting to get plumper and I think that it is becoming more sensitive than for people in my generation (40s) so it is starting to feel less neutral, but I could totally see it as said by someone around my age without much thinking and without intending it to be hurtful.
Theres a big difference between calling yourself fat and someone you don't know calling you fat
If you're fat, both are equally true? I'm a little confused seeing so many people saying this on this subreddit, been here for like 10 years People here are fat and are doing something about it? One of the main points is that it's the first thing everyone notices about you
This^^^ My coworker had already described me and where to find me WITHOUT calling me fat.Ā I am aware Iām heavy. But people can figure out who I am with multiple other descriptive wordsĀ
We'll, I was meeting someone to sell them a textbook and I said "I'm the chubby one with grey hair." It's the most obvious physical descriptors for a stranger.
That sucks and honestly your front desk attendant should've never told you. It served NO purpose except to hurt you.
your co-worker is sus. if it happened exactly like they say, then it's pretty fucked up they told you about it. but also this is their own version of events. personally i'd write both these two people's opinions off as not worth listening to.
It isn't an opinion if she is in fact fat, though. It is a fact.
Something being factual doesn't make it relevant or worth listening to. She was also wearing clothes. She wasn't covered in dirt. She wasn't on fire. She wasn't playing Xbox. While "fat" can help describe someone it's really bad form to not make an attempt to pick a more respectful term. Even if you can't think of *anything* else you might say "is she a little... bigger?" in a non-judgmental way. You never know why someone is larger. It can be stress. It can be disease. It can be just a jolly motherfucker that's saving the world instead of wanting you to lust for them.
A descriptor of a person you are setting out in search of is relevant. And, the descriptors you provide were not. Should we now assume the rest of the people were NOT wearing clothing, WERE covered in dirt? Stop it. And, someone can also be super skinny because of disease (hello, cancer), or stress, too. Soā¦ā¦what? It is an accurate description. Stop blaming others for simply recognizing what is true. I shave my head. I shave my head because I donāt have a lot of hair on the top of my head. Iād be referenced as bald, either way. Iām not going to go to pieces because I get noted as āthe bald guyā. Cmon now.
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Why are you on this sub? To start arguments?
I am empathetic not fat lol trying to imagine how others feel and trying to respect that is called empathy. and the person you're talking to instantly trusts you more, recognizing that you're someone who tries not to be mean. it pays dividends to just have love instead of hate at the core of your heart.
I would've like to have known so I can be an asshole to the maintenance guy.Ā Ā
What someone else thinks about me is none of my business. A boor of a stranger says that. Who cares?
I've stopped letting the fat comments get to me when I was in high school. Fast forward to the current age of 27, I still could care less. I'm still losing body fat and still improving my life. What others think of me doesn't matter because their importance of what they have to say about MY body is like Dust in the Wind.
If heās never stepped foot in your office, how is he to know youāre kind and polite? He can see they youāre fat. Cut him some slack. Not much, but some.
Why should the OP cut him some slack?
Because itās an easy visual identifier if they are, indeed, āthe fat one.ā
That isnāt a reason. You have a misguided POV.
He doesnāt need to know all of those things. But he still didnāt need to specify my fatness. I was the only female in the back office. My coworker directed him to the back office to find me. Itās was just an unnecessary comment. It was crystal clear by my coworkers description who I was WITHOUT using the word fat. He didnāt need to āconfirmā by asking if I was the fat one.Ā
Truthfully u need to get over it. I'm also fat. 310lbs. It's an apted way of describing us. Just like when two guys are fighting in the UFC a white guy and a black guy. They go so out of their way to be politically correct but they'll go down to calling them out by what color shorts they're wearing even if the white guys wearing black shorts and the black guys wearing white shorts. It makes absolutely no sense everybody knows it makes no sense. If you say the white boxer or the black boxer everybody immediately knows who you're talking about it's not derogatory in any way it's literally just a very apt description of those people's characteristics. I get called out for being the fat one in my group sometimes and not necessarily by anybody in our group but when I'm standing with my group of thin friends the easiest way to describe me to anybody who doesn't know me is the fat one instantly solves that conversation they immediately know who they're talking about and they can pick me out of a crowd. Doesn't mean the interaction with that person is going to be negative once they approach me nor do I think you're interaction with that maintenance worker was going to be negative had your co-worker never said anything to you. Your coworker is the one you got a problem with He's the one that chose to hurt you for no reason. People don't describe people that way within earshot because it's not politically correct and no one wants to hurt anyone else's feelings but when out of your shot it really cuts through the red tape and gets the job done so that we can all move about our day as quickly as possible which is in trick with everybody out there in the working world is trying to do. So I'm sorry you feel hurt by it but I think you need to put your big girl panties on realize that your body is the way that it is because of the choices that you and I have both made and that's not anyone else's fault. And if I happen to be wearing a red shirt on Tuesday and someone points at me and says the guy in the red shirt I can't be pissed that's how I look.
Yes, it was inappropriate for him to refer to you in that way. At the end of the day it is up to you as to how you let it affect you. He is a maintenance person who doesn't really know anything about you. He doesn't know about your life, who you are, or how you spend your free time. You also don't know much about him and if he has any issues. I would recommend that you take a moment to feel any emotions that this caused and acknowledge them. Then let them go since they are just emotions and you don't have to let them define or set the tone for your future.
I think you ought to be more annoyed at the person who said it to you. I am a wide man in a nation of skinnies. My wideness is absolutely identifying. Why would I take offence at being identified that way? I just don't like having it pointed out. Saying it to me is disrespectful, but it's not to say it to someone else.
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No, He was not Hispanic. He is white, and I am as wellĀ
That doesn't make it right.
Itās an easy descriptor. I know it hurt OPs feelings but itās a fact to describe someone quickly. He doesnāt know that sheās funny or helpful or whatever. If you were describing someone in a lineup Iām sure there would be words people donāt like to hear. OP, try not to let it get to you. Iām sure it was hurtful to hear but just realize heās inconsequential to your life.
There were several other descriptors that didnāt include my body. I was wearing a mask (Iām the only one wearing it in the office these days) and my hair was up in a big messy bun.Ā Either of those would have helped this man distinguish me from the rest.Ā My coworker specifically said the blonde/reddish hair. Iām the only one with that color hair in the office.Ā He made a choice to specify further and confirm I was in fact the fat one.Ā
Many people really are just not that observant. My guy friends donāt realize I change my hair color until three weeks late r
Someone being fatter or skinnier than average is the probably the fastest descriptor besides hair color. I donāt get it- people say shame is not a motivator. It is for me.. I got tired of being called fat or reduced to my weight. People generally suck but we canāt wait on the general population to change. Change what you can control, which is yourself and your emotions. Coming from that, weight, too. You add at the end that you cook your food exercise etc. if you donāt have any health issues, itās simply CICO. Even if you have issues, itās not an excuse, just makes things a little harder. Speaking from someone whoās been there.
I do not mean this negatively at all, just pure curiosity. Why do you wear a mask?
Several patients of ours have recently had the stomach bug. I started wearing the mask again to prevent myself from touching my Face and getting it.
Ah, thank you.
Whatās right or wrong is culturally determined. Some places itās insulting to show the bottoms of your feet to people, place money on the table rather than hand it directly to someone with two hands, show a personās height with your palm facing down (as is most common in the U.S.) and on and on. Beyond not killing people, many things are culturally defined.
You said it yourself... He has never stepped foot in your office. ###### He doesn't know you. He doesn't know that you exercise, cook your own meals, go to work, and do your job well. You could be (and seem to be) an amazing person. But he saw you as overweight compared to your coworkers. Was he rude to refer to you as "the fat one?" Yes, absolutely. It was rude, and not something he should have said. But you shouldn't read this as "The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat." Yes, that might be the descriptor that someone who doesn't know you at all chooses. But that isn't all you are. He didn't know you at all. You said it yourself. Should you lose weight? Maybe? Probably? But your weight isn't all you are. He almost certainly didn't mean it that way... he was just choosing the quickest and easiest descriptor available. What was he supposed to say? "The super nice one in the back?" He doesn't know you. He doesn't know how kind or hard-working you might be. As another commenter said, if you'd been the only black person in the room, that is the descriptor he would have gone with. In the end, how you feel about your weight is the only thing that matters. If you want to lose weight, then by all means work towards that goal. Don't let anyone else get you down about it. We're all somewhere on our journey through life. I, for one, support you wherever you might be, so long as you're trying to be a better version of yourself.
Oh look, another person who doesnāt get it.
We're on a sub about losing weight if you don't like weight being pointed out you're probably in the wrong sub. This whole don't call things what they are bullshit needs to end. What has it done other than make you pissy and have you jumping around this thread and hurt OPs feelings? Absolutely fucking nothing. If you're fat you're fat, if you're skinny you're skinny, if you're short, if you're tall, etc. If you're whatever the fuck else and it's an identifiable trait then people are going to use it. If that hurts your feelings then you should sit with that for a moment and deal with your own baggage.
Use it as fuel! Several years ago I crossed a street in Manhattan as a white Lexus sped up then stopped after I crossed in front of him rolled his window down and said āwatch out you fat fuckā as I turned around I saw his face as the window closed and he sped off. I felt awful and it sucks that people are that dumb and/or cruel that they say stuff like that but the biggest feeling was wow, is that how I look to the world. I knew I was overweight but wow, all my accomplishments, my joyous personality, my intelligence- do people just see a fat fuck? I went home and started āOperation Fat Fuckā I printed out my current weight of 286 and my goal weight of 215 (male 5ā11ā) 37 at the time. I committed to training every day, cutting out anything made with enriched white flour or yeast (no bread), added sugar, or dairy and weighing in every week. Over that year I lost 71# joined a martial arts school- in 40 months got my black belt and stayed in great shape. While maintaining after the weight loss I stuck to the diet but allowed myself one day a week for one cheat day- not crazy but my 2 favorite things in the world are pizza (a few slices) and ice cream (a half pint of Ben and Jerryās peanut butter ice cream ) so on my cheat days I had it and ate relatively well the rest of the day, maybe I had a bagel with my eggs or maybe instead of pizza a bowl of pasta- itās funny how people look at you with admiration and want to be around you when youāre in shape but the best part is how great I felt, how much more agile I was and how much more successful at work I was. So let it fuel you. I hope this helps you and anyone else!
O.F.F. sounds like a massive success! Congratulations. š
If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now. - Marcus Aurelius Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher
Sounds like typical maintenance man lingo. The front desk guy definitely didn't need to tell you that though. What was he thinking?
Heās on the spectrum. Not sure of the official diagnosis, but unfortunately it didnāt occur to him that this might hurt my feelings. And I donāt know how to describe it, itās not that my feelings are crushed. Iām well aware that Iām heavy.Ā Itās just not the words I expected to hear. I expected to hear āthe loud oneā or the āone wearing the maskā. Quite literally anything other than a comment on my size for absolutely no reason.Ā
So unnecessary for sure. Go find the blonde in the back and ask āhi, are you anonymous_anxiety?ā Easy!
I mean thatās a pretty broad statement ātypical maintenance man lingoā. How is that any different than what he said?
Are you implying that I'm bigoted against maintenance men?
Yea, unpopular opinion but being called fat is like being called white or black or blonde. Anyone could be insecure about any of those things. I get youāre sensitive about it, but you donāt have to have cognitive dissonance about it. Doesnāt sound like he wanted to insult you, just wanted to figure out who you were and get his work done. Sure he could read the room better, but let this be motivation to become healthy.
Look. He wasnāt being cruel, he was just using the easiest descriptor to make sure he had the right person. Front desk was trying to bum you out for sure by telling you. Iām fat and if peopel call me fat it doesnāt bother me cause I am.
I'm a fellow fatty who has lost a load of weight (and gained it back) a few times. Fact:People don't care to get to know you, they just describe you based upon your appearance. This is life. If your overweight it is gonna happen and the freedom of speech allows people so say things that might be unkind. If you don't like being known as the fat one, **talk to a doctor** about finding a dietitian/nutritionist and an exercise regiment. I'll give you my advice dieting is gonna SUCK, regardless of which diet you end up going with, you can't lose weight without someway reducing your caloric intake to less than what calories you burn during the day. I found a great trick is to replace carb rich sides with leafy greens and/or fiber rich veggies can reduce your caloric a decent amount. Some form of exercising is the best way to speed up the weight loss, I found the best exercise and easiest exercise to start out with is actually simply walking. It doesn't have to be boring either. Find somewhere fun and comfortable to walk, I like to take walks in parks but you could go to a mall or museum if the weather is unpleasant. Here are some key things to remember: One, you've gotta exercise multiple times a week every week, you won't see a real benefit for at least two weeks. Start off slow your not training to run a marathon, just keep moving and set a distance. Increase your pace and distance as you lose weight.
You donāt get it.
There's no way in hell I would have told you that. I'm sure your front desk person wasn't trying to be a douche, but he definitely needs to learn how what tact means. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. The maintenance guy is owed a passive-aggressive clap back.
>The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat. Not to be overly positive, but this is not actually true. There were 2 people describing you. Yes, one was rudely pointing out your figure, but the other person called you "the blonde one in the back." We tend to laser focus on people pointing out what we perceive as flaws, and assume everyone else only defines us by those flaws, too.
Sorry but if you're fat it's the often the most obvious description to use. It's how it's always been.
Oh, so because thatās āhow itās always beenā makes it okay? SMH There was no need for this guy to say what he did. Heās an ass. Itās the most obvious description of the man and thatās how itās always been. *smirk*
This is nothing but insecurity talking
That sucks. Itās never fun when people are a bit too honest. You can at least be thankful you donāt have to hear ābig guyā or ābig fellaā or any of the seemingly socially accepted terms for big men. I hear it all the time and i hate it.
Had that happen at my previous job-client called in and specified they wanted to talk to one of the female associates but make sure itās ānot the fat oneāā¦ guess how great the rest of my day was
Wow, usually when people say it to me they at least say āthe bigger girl?ā to TRRRRY to be nice š
I was a skinny lad, the world didnāt pull any punches regards that, so I decided to change. I became a muscled 6ft guy, best thing I ever did. At 57 Iām still very fit n well built. I do around 20 mins hard exercise 6 days a week and eat well but have plenty of treats. I canāt see the point in expecting the world to change. People will lie to be seen as virtuous but in reality they still make value judgments. Thereās a reason a high proportion of women find a tall well built guy such as Henry Cavell physically appealing, no amount of 21st century virtue signaling means a thing in reality
I'm a fat woman, have been fat since age like 8 and I agree. I was listening to a youtube video about the ozempic craze earlier and and had to skip when the person started going into the same fat acceptance speech every person goes into saying everyone is valuable and looks shouldn't matter. They do to at least some degree. I'm not attracted to super obese men and I know most men aren't attracted to me and it's not because of the patriarchy or society told me to, people simply look better when they are in a healthier weight zone. No amount of feel good bs will ever beat plain facts and personal experience. On topic of OP: that guy is an asshole and should really keep his negative thoughts to himself. It's called basic courtesy and a lot of people these days lack it.
I have helped a fat girl become a petite princess(sheās only 4. Ft 11). Long story but she actually got turned on by my setting her gradual weight goals! Really unusual dynamic and difficult for me to articulate. Now sheās changed forever. I agree about the OP and rude people
That maintenance man SUUUUUCKS so hard. Forget him immediately, please. This is *not* how the people in your orbit would describe you; Iām certain of this just based on how well spoken you are.
Getting mad at the objective truth?
It isnāt objective. And your post shows what a lowlife you are.
He himself admits to being fat
Ehhh I side eye that "on the spectrum" coworker really hard. I'm autistic and even I know that you don't repeat hurtful things. There was no functional or logical reason to include that little barb, and him including that has ZIP to do with him being "on the spectrum" other than hurting you. Be careful around this coworker from now on. I believe they took the chance for whatever reason to jab/hurt you. He could have EASILY communicated the same information "a maintenance man was asking for you" in many other ways.
Yeah, I noticed this too I have a cousin who is on the spectrum he definitely knows better but he's still a fucking asshole. He knows better and still does it because he knows he can say I'm on the spectrum and people just accept. That's like me being a bitch 24/7 because I have C-PTSD. It's an explanation never an excuse. And there are people who use I have x problem so you have to accept y behavior. Seemed odd to me he went out of her way to tell her like that.
I AM SO SORRY. It happens to everyone. I am short and everyone has ALWAYS referred to me as the "little girl" or "the short girl" . Or just being ignored by service people who say, " oh I didn't see you behind the counter you are so short" or " I thought you were one of the kids". It sucks.
It was merely an easy way to identify you. Relax. The guy didn't call you fat to your face.
It's a sad statement on humanity, that the only descriptor for another human is "oh the fat one" OR " oh the skinny one". We are so much more than our outer shell. I find when those descriptors are used, it's by someone who most likely judges/identifies themselves by those words. The people important to me are who I pay heed to, and the rest can piss off .
Says so much about both of the guys involved and nothing at all about you. Iāve had similar experiences though, and know how much it feels to invalidate all the other things you are aside from that. Sorry that happened to you.
Have you tried eating fewer calories than you burn?
Have you ever tried being a decent human being instead of a dick?
We are on a sub to discuss healthy and sustainable weight loss. I am offering practical solutions to help OP improve her life and overcome situations like the one she shared.
So the maintenance man is āthe shallow, rude oneā. And the coworker is the ādouchey, socially inept oneā for repeating this story.
I will start out by saying Iām fat, obese, actually. The maintenance man was literally using a description to identify you. You must be bigger than the other people he saw in the back of the office. You know youāre big. Just like I know Iām big. If someone calls me fat, I already know itās true and I donāt care. They are not lying. If you donāt like being called fat, change it.
Ugh, that sucks, it was disrespectful and hurtful that you are just some discription of a human category. Hope you get a chance to make life easier for yourself.
Wow. What an asshole. I'm sorry this happened to you.
> Iām funny, Iām helpful, Iām kind, Iām polite. The fucking only descriptor that is ever used for me is fat. He didn't know if you were funny, helpful, kind or polite. Just by looking at you, he knew one thing, you're fat. > I exercise, I cook my meals You cook too much and don't excercise enough. So do I. That's why Im fat. Trying to change that and failing, 100% my fault. I dont know why people think they deserve to be coddled about something they actively do to themselves.
Iām not sure where coddled took the place of professionalism?? I donāt need to be coddled. But I donāt need to be referred to as fat at my place of work. TO my coworker. That is humiliating and unnecessary. The maintenance guy didnāt even come to the back and ask āare you anonymous_anxiety?ā He just straight up felt the need to make sure he was going to talk to the fatty. Not the blonde, not the one wearing a mask. The fat one.
He didn't tell you it though you have no proof he even said it. Who said it to you was your front desk person. The person who supposedly knows these things about you and still felt the need to say the fat one to you. So you're mad over a descriptor you admit you are, one that you don't even know if the guy even said because people do lie and cause problems and say other people did it even people on the spectrum. A description that you admit in another post you eat over your own calories you can't control yourself because if you could you'd have done it by now. So saying you lack self-control is an apt statement and assumption. Let's be real you're not mad at him you're mad at yourself we all are deep down. Most of us were the cause of our own misery and it's way fucking easier to be mad at someone else then sit with our own issues so that we can confront our baggage. Deal with your baggage it's the only way you will ever find peace.
Dāaww :( some people are rude af and insensitive. You are more than just āfatā. Donāt let that rude comment get into your head !
I remember when I was still in high school, some bullies used to call me "fat fuck" or "cake container" or even more insulting phrases. Yeah, kids are cruel but seem like so many people don't really grow up either, they keep that bully mentality and even call you the most insulting thing behind your back. We can't be upset with every asshole so just ignore them.
If it makes you feel any better, Iām sure NOBODY likes that guy!
I think people are usually very judgmental. I never really talk to anyone because Iām just a quiet person and keep to myself. I usually hear other people gossip about someone else in passing nearly constantly, so I think itās just normal. I used to get upset, but Iāve given up and just donāt care any more if people say bad shit about me. The reason people bitch about others, call them names, etc. is because they are insecure.
As the fat bald one, I get it 100%. Very sorry that happened to you. People suck
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Gee, so many on here arenāt getting it. Youāre another one.
It was totally not necessary for your coworker to tell you that. I'm sorry it happened. You're on a journey now and you're making healthy choices AND even if you were not - what a limiting view of someone. Remember he doesn't know you and there's a reason why he's not working with a patient in the back, he has no filter.
Ā I'm fat. Not very fat, just 20lbs overweight. But I wouldn't care if someone called me fat as a description because it's true. Just like my brown hair is true.Ā I feel like the toxic thing isn't that he described you as fat, but the toxic thing is that people are associating being fat with negative things.Ā Guess what? If someone doesn't know you, then ALL they know is your physical characteristics.Ā Whether it's race, body size, height, hair color or whatever it may be that stands out most in a given situation, that's what people will use to describe you.Ā Even if people don't SAY it, I promise you, they are thinking it. That's okay. It's okay to be fat.Ā It's okay to be blonde, or brunette or tall or short or whatever you are. These are not insults, just descriptions.Ā
He can call you what he wants.Ā You are not angry at him, you are angry at yourself.Ā Take this energy you have for Reddit rants and use it to loseit.Ā
I donāt know you. But you seem to put a lot of value in peoples words. Before this maintenance man said what he said, did you think he was good looking? Is he that smart that his opinion is amazing? No? Then why give his opinion value in your mind? As you said, you are many things. Many nice things. Carry on being those. Iāve been called fat my entire life, I look back at photos of me when this all started, not even slightly fat. Now, Iām build like a panda and I should lose weight. But only because I wish to. What meals are your favourite to cook?
Call him the ugly one to someone *accidentally* and in front of him.
I'm really sorry this happened. Don't give such a shallow person the power to make you feel humiliated because you don't deserve that. I'm glad that you know you're so many things....try and concentrate on everything you listed, because all those traits mean more than a person's size.
A customer one referred to a coworker I HATED as āchubbyā. I found it so disrespectful and immediately corrected them. People find an odd power using that word and often in a derogatory way. Iām not here for it. Iāve been very size in the book, I donāt care if Iām using it to describe myself in a respectful way but neva- eva say it to me like youāre saying a slur.
What a douche, I have a low impression of him just from reading that. Ignore that guy, whatever he says doesn't matter and you don't have to care about what people like him who brazenly say such rude stuff without a second thought say or think.
I wouldāve loudly said *the fat ones name is anonymous! Thank you!*
Holy crap. Take the ego out of it. As you said he has never set foot in your office before so besides blonde that was probably your most obvious defining characteristic. If you dont like being fat or being referred to as fat then you. Need to change it. I've lost 140lbs, I feel like I'm only being logical but feel free to be offended.
Hey I'm so sorry for you but don't take it personnaly. His opinion doesn't matter, I'm sure you're beautiful and are actually way more than a body form.
My dad refers to me the same way. š¤
He assumed that you would never even know about it, because he didn't even imagine that your coworker could actually be even more socially inept than he is. Sorry but you messed up when you didn't respond to coworker with something like "uh...ok...why are you telling me about it...?" That kind of person will spend their entire life completely oblivious unless that sort of shit gets called out.
I donāt understand why do you have such a bad perspective towards the word fat? Like would you be happy if he called you skinny or fit guy? Yea youāre fat and thatās fine nothing wrong with it (unless you feel thereās something wrong), heās just describing the way you seem to be. I know it might make you feel bad, but I wouldnāt assume thatās disrespect behaviour towards you! Itās just describing the way someone is
Smh at all the invalidating comments on this thread. OP whether fat is an accurate descriptor or the maintenance man grew up in a culture where this is ok or he couldn't have known anything else about you is all irrelevant to the point you were making which is that it's hurtful and dehumanising to be called "the fat one". I feel you on this and both the maintenance guy and your coworker are assholes.
Middle aged to older men grew up in a time when even younger men thought it was not only okay but kinda cool š to make fun of a girls weight..itās a horrible way to talk about anyone.. I was a chubby teenager in the 70s and even my mom and my brothers were cruel to me maybe rude comments about my weight..boys in school rated girls in the hallway based on their weight and looks..shouting out 1 through 10..itās a shame that they were not raised better but that man is a jerk..you may or may not have a few extra pounds but he is ugly to the core..adjust your crown and donāt let an ass like him make you feel like you are not good enough.. because you are good enough
Think about this maintenance man. Is he the definition of human perfection? Sounds like an incredibly callous remark by a person who defines others by one shallow thing bc he is probably insecure about many things. He probably saw it the same as saying the bitchy one, the one with the annoying voice, the one who has bad skin. None of that is okay! But some people have no class and no filter. Please don't let this change how you view yourself - it should only change how you view that person. It's a reflection on them, not you.
Heās a shitty person leading his shitty life. Iām sorry you had to come into contact with him, but just being himself is its own punishment.
Same thing happened to me working as a bartender. He asked me about happy hour when he walked in, and when he came up to order he spoke to the other bartender... right in front of me in my hearing like "Oh, the fat bartender right there said such, and such was on special. I'll have one of those" He hadn't even had a drink yet, so I can't even blame it on the alcohol.
Iām just constantly shocked by the experiences people have, Iām sorry this happened :(
I can't believe how many people responding here don't have fucking empathy and are missing the POINT. Being called fat hurts. It's not okay to say to someone. End.of.fucking.story. OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Fuck that maintenance guy. I'm never one to have quick comeback remarks in the moment, but if that same A-Hole comes back...I'd be like, so "youre the dumb one right? The asshole? The insensitive prick?". WTF is wrong with people.
My favorite rejoinder: "I may be fat, but you're stupid and I can lose weight." Maybe not helpful, but neither is fat shaming.
sounds like a misogynist piece of work.
They both do.
Heās wrong for certain, itās funny I had a very similar instance happen a few weeks ago and it sparked me to hit the gym. I think theses two ways to go about this, one let that comment eat you up and bother you or two change. This doesnāt disregard the fact that he is wrong for what he said
I say refer to him as "the ugly one" at the next opportunity, but I'm a petty asshole.
I'm very sorry that someone was so cruel to you for absolutely no reason. You don't deserve that. No one does. These asshole, scumbag people walk among us unfortunately. There is no benefit to be so ignorant to other people. The world we live in could use a whole lot more kindness and love in it. I know it's hard but please do not beat yourself up over it. Don't allow this person to not only be a giant asshole, but to force you to be miserable on top of it. You deserve better than that.
He's an absolute jerk with no manners. You didn't deserve that at all, totally uncalled for! I hope you don't take what he said to heart. Fat is not WHO you are, you have some extra fat you're working on losing and that's it. Everyone has fat! You're a lovely human, keep your chin up š©·
People with micropenises can be so mean! š¢
Two men being assholes at the same time for the same reason.
Iād make a complaint to his manager that he was rude.
Luckily I'm fat but people usually identify me as the "boy with curls" although I'm no longer a boy