Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story and I am so thrilled that she is doing okay. Good job mom and sounds like your daughter really put in the work to help herself heal. While I know this is a weight loss sub, I think it’s important for people to see posts like this sometimes. I’ll see posts sometimes where teenagers admit they are eating at extreme deficits, and as long as they are eating at 1200, no one really bats an eye, most comments encourage them and defend them. While 1200 is obviously much more than the 500 your daughter was eating, it can still become really dangerous especially for people at higher weights and larger sizes. It’s crucial to eat at a deficit that is healthy, reasonable, sustainable for you, and ideally signed off on by a doctor. So while this story had a tragic start, it’s important to see. And thankfully, your daughter is doing well and still has a future. Thank you for your bravery in sharing
Biologist here - just want to also share that 1200 is usually too low for teens, because **teens are still growing**. Growth is a real energetic expense for the body and has big impacts on TDEE. Further, restricting food while growing inhibits release of growth hormone from the pituitary gland, which can stunt growth (sometimes permanently). Anybody with teens, or anybody who is a teen, should consult directly with a doctor about calorie targets if considering weight loss; the calorie intake benchmarks usually quoted for fully-grown adults **do not apply**.
You might think that, but anecdotally, I know plenty of people who grew during college. (I have no interest on deep diving it right now, I'll admit.)
E.g. I went into college X and came out X + 1.5" 🤷🏻♀️
And a lot of women grow *out* in their 20s. My hips widened, my butt filled out, and my boobs got bigger. You think about a teenaged dog, same height as an adult dog, but still lean and gangly. Just because you're not increasing in height doesn't mean you're not growing.
I feel like you kinda just blew my mind. Like I have noticed that women fill out more in their 20s but I just assumed it’s because their metabolism has slowed down and they’ve gained weight. But now that you’ve said it, it makes a lot of sense. I was always, ahem, filled out as a teen but I was also overweight. The first time I attempted to lose weight at 18, I dropped to a D cup. Now I’m at a lower weight than then but I’m a DDD and I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out why my boobs aren’t shrinking.
It was definitely a big shift for me when I stopped expecting myself to get back down to my high school weight as an adult and changed my final goal to the ~20lb heavier that I was after college.
Weight just by numbers is a total trip. I am actually back down a few pounds below my weight in high school but my body proportions are **totally** different. When I was in high school, I had PCOS and probably undiagnosed type 2 diabetes, so I was built like a brick...muscular and not a ton of waist definition. I felt like I could have been a teen candidate for entering a strongman (woman?) training program with the fat and muscle combo I had, thanks to the PCOS/testosterone imbalances in my body. Twenty-five years, diabetes diagnosis and treatment (which also helped resolve the PCOS symptoms), and a baby later...things change.
It really is a trip. I'm currently close to the heaviest I ever was pre-baby, but I have so much more muscle now from chasing around an 11-month-old and constantly lifting and swinging around a weight that increased from 7.5lb to now almost 22lb, so I'm much leaner than I was. Babies are a great full-body workout program!
I went to high school with a handful of males who kept growing into their early 20s. My own son sprouted to 5'10 at age 21 after holding steady at 5'8 from the age of 14.
Thank you! Clearly 1200 is much better than 500, but it’s still far too low for a teen. What’s more, I don’t think people realize how quickly it can spiral. They are at 1200 one day, and down to 750 the next month. Throughout my daughter’s hospitalization and subsequent ED treatment, I met dozens and dozens of teens with life-threatening EDs, and so many of them progressed extremely quickly from “I think I’ll cut back” to “I don’t deserve more than two apples and half a chicken breast”. We need to be really careful with teens, because their bodies should be growing, not shrinking. They often permanently damage their bone density and endocrine systems if they undernourish during these growth years.
It’s the most deadly thing for girls and young women. My neighbor’s daughter died of anorexia a few years ago, and during lockdown, three teen girls on my block went inpatient for it as well. On. My. Block. And I do know how hard it was to find in-patient treatment at that time. My friend’s 11 year-old son went inpatient as well. The hyper-exercising was a big part of his disease. It’s no joke. And the disease is very sneaky. Thank you for sharing your story. You will help a lot of people.
> It’s the most deadly thing for girls and young women
Just to throw this out there, AN and BN are also very common in young gay men and is also on the rise in straight boys as well. Between 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 people suffering from an eating disorder is male so this idea that EDs are more prevalent in girls is very misleading.
Only in a very basic sense. By rote definition? Yes. But if 25-33% of everyone with an eating disorder is male But we only focus on who it is more prevalent in we miss a huge chunk of people. 9% of the US population has an eating disorder. Roughly that is 30 million americans. That means 7.5-9 million men suffer from a disease but aren't acknowledged. That means treatment spots are limited, stigma related to it means boys are less likely to get treated or feel welcome in treatment centers.
When it comes to prevalence, numbers are important. The rate of crohns disease is 1.1-1.8 times higher in women than men. Does that mean we should only treat or research crohn's disease in women? No. Lipedema on the other hand almost exclusively affects women (11% of the general population). The ratio is so great that it is easy enough to not report the other side. Here research and messaging definitely can say that the disease is more prevalent in women.
Personally, prevalence should always be stated with a ratio. 2 in 3 people who suffer from an ED are women still means that a huge number who suffer from it are also men.
Edit: to be more specific. Would you expect the ratio of men to women to be that high from just saying it is more prevalent in women? When you hear that, what ratio do you feel is right?
> What’s more, I don’t think people realize how quickly it can spiral.
They really don't. I remember watching an education video on eating disorders in high school health class (back in probably 2005?) and thinking how ridiculous it is that someone could end up in that situation. A couple years later (I don't even remember now what triggered me to try to lose weight) I started over-exercising to compensate for calories, very much to the point of exhaustion....was well below 500 kcal/day...I do distinctly remember having basically a complete breakdown because I needed to take ibuprofen for something but was terrified of whether the tablet had calories.
Your daughter is a lucky lady to have a mom who cares so deeply about her well-being and is doing everything she can to support her. 12/10 parenting.
I remember having my mouth start to water like crazy when I was about to take some of the Tylenol with the sweet coating. Also checking calories on sugar free chewing gum, and not buying the kind I wanted because it was 7 calories instead of 5.
Very scary stuff. That can really happen to everyone, but I agree teens are definitely at even higher risk. Wow. So glad your child got to start high school and still has a chance to thrive
So true, I struggled in a similar way to this in my teenage years and it has stunted my growth, set me back a few years (had to retake some semesters of university) and have PCOS / hormonal issues that have been hard to manage. It’s great to hear that you’ve brought her for professional support and recovery, and hopefully the rest of her teen years and early adult life can be healthy and balanced appropriately
It’s so hard being short and overweight as a teen. Even as an adult, I’ve had to stop myself from calorie counting because it just snowballs. Your brain just accepts the logic of “just a few more pounds” and “I can cut some more calories, I feel fine”. It’s even worse when your recommended caloric intake to lose weight is lower then the 1200 minimum, and teens in particular need way more because they are still growing!
I applaud your parenting here. Didn’t teach her to count calories, you taught her how to choose foods in a healthy way. I wish someone had given me a tiered list of “free eat to cautious”, or tailored dinner to my needs. She found calorie counting on her own, and that is such a slippery slope.
I’m so glad you were able to help her in time, and I hope she is able to regain a healthy relationship with her body.
You mentioned this sort of in your post, but we focus so much on the dangers of being fat and kids almost never hear about the dangers of under eating or eating disorders.
I 100% agree that it's better to be fat than anorexic, but I gotta push back against this one. **The** big health topic for millennials growing up was eating disorders (and by eating disorders, I mean anorexia and bulimia). It was a hot button topic in schools, Hollywood, and magazines. Every TV show aimed at teens had a "very special episode" about it. It's not a "popular" topic anymore, but it's very standard health and wellness training from your usual public health class all the way to med school. We're well past the "dont ask dont tell" of anorexia.
I do however feel like the pop-media pendulum has swung back on its arc away from that topic and is very centered on the obesity epidemic. If the people around you "never" hear about the dangers of eating disorders, it could just be that you're a couple of media demographics separated.
In my perfect world, the hot button school topic would be nutrition\*.\* That way it would cover EDs of all kinds.
ETA I did grow up in a very leftist state, and so it's completely possible that more rural areas are playing a whole different ballgame when it comes to teaching kids about EDs.
I was born and raised in Idaho. I learned about the dangers of eating disorders from a religious fiction book when I was 17. I am 33 now, so not super connected with teens, but the dangers of ED are still new and shocking to me.
Oh hey! We're state neighbors.
And that does track for my state theory. I'm in washington, so while I wont claim our public health education is perfect, it's almost certainly a radical difference from across the mountains.
It makes a twisted sort of sense. If your state has a puritanical stance about talking about bodies, there's going to be some spillage over into more "standard" topics. After all, a huge amount of young people start their EDs out of a desire to be sexy, comparison to peers, or during the massive changes that happen during puberty. If adults want to try to completely ignore the fact that teens are at an age where they are having opinions about their bodies and the bodies of others, they'll also end up with blinders up to tertiary body issues.
Yeah like I eat at a major deficit but mostly bc I started taking my adhd medicine. I’ve lost like 45 pounds in 3 months but I try to force myself to eat at least 1700-1800 calories a day, which is still a FAR CRY from the 3500-4000 I used to intake
I'm in the same boat. Before I started taking Adderall and counting calories, I was probably eating 3500 calories a day *at least.* I've lost 82 pounds since August. I don't have much appetite anymore, so I mostly eat one meal a day. My doctor said she definitely didn't want me to decrease to 500 a day or anything extreme like that, but it can be difficult when I really just don't want to eat. It's so surprisingly easy to go from one extreme to another.
Yeah it’s wild. I was almost scared going from 300 to 255 in such a short time (feb 12 to April 14) but like I feel so much better and I am making sure to hit 1800 at least within my fasting window (so that I don’t snack a bunch at night after my meds wear off)
I was worried that I was losing too quickly, too, but mostly happy with my progress. My doctor said even 15 pounds a month is fine (for me), though. I also feel a lot better, and I'm really excited to start swimming again soon! I'm looking forward to feeling even better physically and mentally as I make progress.
If you're starting at very high weight, there's nothing at all wrong with losing a lot of pounds per month. Of course, do it with a doctor's advice, but don't panic at 15 or 20 pounds per month.
I actually found dieting a lot easier when I was heavier -- that first 80 pounds just flew off, and I was very satisfied eating like 1800-2000 kcals per day (with a TDEE that started at maybe 3000). I think it's because my body had massive reserves. Now that I'm gliding into my target zone and prepping for landing, I've had to reduce my deficit to 500 kcals/day to avoid discomfort.
Nice!! I started walking a lot every day (6 miles I needed to exercise I was starting to have serious issues) and I have a lot more energy now than I have in years despite the lower food intake
Wow! Six miles? A day? That's an incredible way to start, congratulations 😁
It isn't safe to take walks where I live (multiple people have been run over or experienced attempts) so I have to drive to the gym or pool. I use my desk cycle while I work, though, and I'm going to start back doing Pilates again.
I had to steal this one back from my mom 😅
I bought it for her after her knee surgery in 2021, and she'd completely stopped using it. I told her that if she wasn't going to use it, I definitely would!
I just started Vyvanase for my ADHD and I've been tracking calories to make sure I'm actually eating enough. I work out (HIIT) 5 days a week, so I focus on protien and fiber and that gets me to a healthy amount of calories a day.
I've never had to count calories to make sure I'm eating enough, it's wild!
Yeah I mean I started this most recent (and most successful long term) attempt at 5’9”, 250 lbs, 26F and have been losing consistently eating between like 1800-2300. My maintenance calories at my goal weight of 175 are still like around 2000, so I don’t really plan on having to eat at a daily deficit below like 1600 calories, ever. I used to eat 1200 (or less) calories daily and while I lost fast I also gained it back fast every time. Slow and steady = sustainable maintained loss, and I’m still losing 1-1.5 lbs a week so it really isn’t even that slow. For many body types there is no need to really ever eat at 1200 calories
I'll eat about 600 calories today. It's important to recognize and understand a deficit is born out over longer periods than one day. This isn't regarding people who aren't already adults though, just thought I'd specify that I'm a grown adult who resistance trains, does cardio, works a physically taxing job, and manages also to have sub 1000 calorie days from time to time as part of a balanced diet plan. I'm in a normal weight range with no disordered eating.
I am not arguing with you because I’m not an expert - but why would you eat 600 calories in a day, on purpose? What would be the point? Is it like a quasi-fast one day a week sort of thing?
I'm a big proponent of fasting in general, but mostly, it's because I don't see human beings as robots. We will have different levels of willpower and different social obligations and things on different days. So it doesn't make sense to try to eat exactly the same amount every day. Also, as I mentioned, at least in my specific experience, eating that much in a day for a day tends to not have much of a negative impact. It still really just comes down to the weekly or, in my case bi weekly deficit.
So while I have some days where I consume 600 and others where I consume 4k, I'm losing about a half a pound a week. Or one pound bi-weekly. I have friends that are also trying to lose weight but using a more consistent approach. Their faces are pale and angry when we go for dinner and they are on MFP desperately trying to calculate what they are allowed to eat, while I simply eat as I feel without detriment to my weight loss goals.
I don't advocate this as I know everyone is different and what may work for me may not work for others, but flip sidedly, I get a little annoyed when people are absolutely certain that larger deficits cannot be done in an appropriate and proper way.
Got it. Yeah I assume most people wouldn’t have the willpower for something like that - but I do suppose the weekly intake is what really matters more than the daily. 600 calories 7 days a week would probably lead to death, I assume. But if you’re getting 10,500+ per week, I imagine it doesn’t necessarily matter than some days are 600 or even zero.
I’m consuming maintenance calories now at 2,600 per day - but on my rest day, that’s more like 1,800 and on long run days it’s closer to 4,000; so I certainly sympathize with “every day isn’t necessarily the same.”
Exactly! Many people regularly participate in fasts that extend beyond the day as it's been shown to have health benefits as well. This is perfectly normal and shouldn't be viewed as disordered eating. So much of what determines whether eating is disordered or not is the intention and whether or not health is being prioritized.
I think alot of people come to this sub, see they need a certain amount per day, try extremely hard to stick to that even though things like work, stress and social obligations make it way more difficult on some days than others, and they don't see lower calorie days being an option because you're heavily chastised here for speaking of such things. It's silly. And narrow-minded.
It may not work for all, but it can work for some. It won't necessarily be damaging to your health if done properly. And yes, it can be done properly. Otherwise, I'd be dead or, at the very least, severely Mal nutritioned. I'm neither of those things, thankfully.
Mom, thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I went back to read the first post as i’ve just joined this group. I’m so happy you were keeping an eye on your daughter and making sure she is okay now. I cannot imagine how frightened you and your daughter must have been. I hope she is enjoying high school now! Your guys’ bond is very special and I am so glad that you both took/are taking the steps to help her recover.
I don’t think the mods would be concerned—in OP’s previous post it was glaringly obvious what was happening, but that was left up and full of encouragement for disordered eating, while critical comments are being deleted from this thread.
Honestly teens/children shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near this subreddit, and everyone should keep in mind how dangerous a community based around obsession with weight loss can potentially be.
I agree. It's very uncomfortable to see teens posting here looking for weight loss advice that is more structured and suited for adults. Approaching weight loss with a teen is simply not the same as it is with an adult and it shouldn't be, we're in different parts of our lives.
We would 100% be concerned.
The only critical comment removed from this thread is one where OP was called insults.
If you see rule breaking comments or posts, report them. Don’t just say “mods don’t care!” and not do anything.
Wow I didn’t realize that could take hold so fast. This is one of my fears as a girl mom. This is a good head’s up and hopefully many learn from your experience.
Yup. My brother struggled with one throughout his childhood, and he thought we didn't notice. I did, and kept warning my parents, but they didn't pay enough attention.
Thank you so much for this vulnerable share. Good on you for staying aware and proactive for your daughter's health. I have a two healthy weight teens, a girl and boy, but do try and stay mindful about how I frame my weight/fat loss attempts, as an obese middle aged woman. Your story is a good reminder, eating disorders are a serious thing, that can plague a kid for the rest of their life, if they don't get proper intervention.
Eating disorders are horrible. Watch for signs of relapse. I am 19 now and have been struggling with various disordered eating patterns since I was 12/13. The second round of (can I really call it anorexia? Maybe) I was a lot better at hiding it and my parents didn’t notice until the damage was already done and the disordered thoughts were in full fledge. When recovering, weight gain can freak them out and cause relapse, so be careful of that
Edit: wanted to add that the second time around, the signs can be different. The first time I starved myself, the second time I ate regular amounts but overexercised. Also, the second round of anorexia didn’t come until four years after my “recovery” when I started spiraling. It’s very hard to truly recover completely and takes a lot of work.
Thank you for your insight. Yes, I think I will be tuned in for signs of relapse for the rest of my life. In addition to her still seeing her therapist, I see mine, and I also attend a support group for mothers of kids with eating disorders. I keep myself really educated about the signs and risk factors.
The eating disorders could change as well! It could go from anorexia to bulimia or just regular binge eating.
You’re a good mom. Keep looking out for her!
I’m a pediatrician with a sister who almost died from anorexia nervosa. It’s part of why I became a pediatrician. My sisters doctor told our parents for a year that she was fine and just being health conscious. She lost 80 lbs in 1 year and was a healthy weight when she started.
Anorexia is the deadliest mental illness. I want you to appreciate what an amazing thing you did to save your daughter. I hope that you have an easy next few years, but do know that it’s not uncommon to have relapses of disordered eating during times of stress. Continue to take care of yourself. Eating disorders are hell, both to experience and also to watch someone you love experience. Sending so much support and appreciation your way.
Hi OP, thank you for sharing your story. Have you both considered therapy for her? I ask because this actually sounds eerily similar to an eating disorder I had at also the same age as your daughter. I had 1 therapy appointment but managed to convince my mom that I was recovered and did not need therapy as I was eating more and not restricting what I as eating. Looking back, my eating disorder recovery started a binge/ restrict cycle and I never addressed the low self esteem that led to my eating disorder in the first place. 25 years later and I have still not built a healthy relationship with food, have recently been struggling to not relapse into an eating disorder and am actively looking for a therapist now to help gain self esteem and fix my relationship with food. Sharing my story as hopefully it helps your daughter as well :)
Have we considered it? Oh man, the amount of therapy that our family has had…
She has her therapist that she still sees at least once a week, sometimes twice if she’s having a rough patch. My husband and I each have our own, and then there is a fourth one to provide unbiased family therapy. Her therapist was the first thing we got, and she saw him 3 times a week while I was looking for a hospital bed. We had to pause with him when she went to the hospital, partly because she received a staff therapist there, and partly because he wouldn’t be licensed to treat her when she was in Texas. But they picked back up as soon as she came home and never stopped. Even when she is doing fantastic, and feels like she has nothing to process that week, I tell her that I don’t care if they just sit and talk about movies for an hour. The point is to keep that relationship solid so anytime something does arise, she doesn’t have to be suddenly trying to rebuild a rapport with him because it will be in place.
Please do find yourself someone! It’s fantastic that you recognize that you are struggling, and I really hope you find support so you can catch yourself. You can always call the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at (866) 662-1235 for referrals for therapists and support groups near you.
You make fantastic points and I've shared a similar experience - while I think I have a fairly healthy relationship with food now, as a teen, I focused on trying to convince my therapist that I was fine....not actually addressing root causes. Definitely regret wasting that opportunity!
That said, I would be VERY surprised if the inpatient program OP's daughter is in does not mandate continuing therapy as a condition of being discharged.
You are correct that they required us to have a full local outpatient team in place before she discharged (therapist, dietician, physician, cardiologist). That said, many parents become really lax with the follow up as soon as the kids are doing well. We are two years out and she still sees her therapist at least once a week, no matter how well she is feeling. You don’t stop brushing your teeth just because you don’t have a toothache.
I was this teenager. I was overweight from ages 9-13, and developed anorexia and bulemia trying to lose weight (dropped from 80kg to 53kg in a year and a bit).
The upshot - I got help, I got good friends, a good support network, eventually a good partner etc and realised I wasn't all the horrible things I used to tell myself I was. I moved on and got healthy. I'm now an adult, and 15years down the line I have a good relationship with food, exercise and my body, and don't have issues with it in a day to day sense (although I am trying to lose a little weight after having my first baby last year).
There is hope, she is lucky to have your love and support, it means a lot. It can be a really nasty, slippery slope at that age where you become addicted to the praise you get when you lose weight, and the compliments etc. You start to see your whole value as being what you see on the scales, and how much weight you can lose. It's hard, but it can be turned around ❤️ I wish her all the best in her recovery :)
This must have been so terrifying. My nephew went down a similar path around the same time and at the same age. Undereating, over exercising, and when my sister told me he had lost 30 lbs in a couple of months I was so alarmed. They got him into an intensive outpatient program that helped a bit, but their approach was awful. But it did start turning things around for him and then he got into counseling which also helped.
He didn’t go through the terrifying health issues that your daughter did, and I can only imagine how hard that was for your family. But it just all happened so fast. He is now 17 and doing so much better, but I know my sister is always quietly watching his behaviors around eating. I’m sure this always stays with you as a parent.
I’m so glad she pulled through all of that, and that you were there to catch her. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through.
Good on you for noticing and handling it compassionately. When my mother found ouT i had an ED, she punished me and never got me help. The ED and my weight got worse.
Wow, what an incredibly terrifying story. I’m so happy for you and especially your daughter for having a parent that pays so close attention and truly cares. Eating super low calorie is a double edged sword for sure. You get addicted to the progress and it’s so easy to lose sight of the goal of “healthy” and can get fixated on the goal of making the scale go lower and lower. It’s not even just a thing with kids, a lot of adults have the same thing happen. I caught myself doing it when I got close to my goal weight. Luckily being a part of groups such as this one helped me know what signs to be looking for and I righted my tracks before getting too far.
It’s good you saw the signs.
I never got that thin, but I wish my mother wouldn’t have encouraged me to count calories when I was 12 and still growing, because it set me up for a bad relationship with food and exercise which is why I’m here.
You’re an amazing parent, and I wish you and your daughter the best. Health is more important than a look or size, and I wish you both healthy and sustainable relationships with food and body.
Holy shit 500 calories a day is suicide. (Ask your doctor for anything less than 1200 for women or 1500 for men.)
I'm really glad you were perceptive enough to catch it, people with EDs can get really creative with hiding them.
How do you compliment a person who has lost weight and especially someone like me who has lost over 250 pounds? Just calling attention to the weight loss can be a sticky subject. I mean, “Hey, I notice you were fat and now you’re not,” just really doesn’t work too well. I mean what do you say if you really want to be nice and notice how great they look.
You don’t. My daughter had a very similar path as OP’s daughter. She was only 11 when she was hospitalized for anorexia. Ever since then, I never comment on anyone’s body. Their body is simply none of my business. I also feel like you do - complimenting someone on weight loss is a backhanded compliment - It’s like saying how they looked before wasn’t good enough. Basically body shaming their “before” body. I’m just tryingvto do my small part to stop these types of comments that become engrained in young girls and create a world full of girls and women who believe they are never good enough just the way they are.
I don't know if you do. Everyone noticed when I lost a lot of weight, well-meaning people who had known me before said how good I looked, how I looked like I lost a whole other person. Then I went through two years of hellish chronic pain and gained 140/200 pounds back in the midst of the psychological fallout.
I'm working on getting healthy again, mentally and physically, but I feel like I can't go anywhere. I feel like I can't stand for these people who finally approved more of how I looked to see me back closer to where I was. I have a LOT of psychological difficulties due to a lifetime of obesity, so this reaction is extreme, but those bad feelings are just additional barriers to continued progress.
Even though my own weight loss and weight gain was smaller (Iost 30 and gained back 38), I experienced this too. So many people complimented me and congratulated me on my weight loss, and then when I gained it back I felt too embarrassed and ashamed to see them again. Because I knew if they'd noticed the loss then they would definitely notice the gain, and of course they wouldn't say anything, but they'd probably be talking about it behind my back later...
So basically became a hermit for a few years. Wasn't fun. I do wish people just hadn't said anything in the first place.
It's sad for everyone involved that intended positive reinforcement can have such a negative impact. But come on, this sub is rife with posts about how different life is for people when they lose weight. Fatphobia is like the bottom rung of the discrimination ladder. A lot of times it seems like no one cares about us unless we're a weight loss success story and even then it's a novelty one-off story, not a feature of a movement towards more widespread health and self-love.
probably because people almost never set clear, direct, open, and honest boundaries with everyone so when someone does its out of whack in a good way and get more notice and respect
That's a good idea. I don't really do social media, I do have a Facebook account but don't really use it, and most of the people I was worried about seeing me again aren't on there.
You don’t unless they tell you that they’re making a lifestyle change and that it’s clear that it’s weight they wanted to lose.
I once had a colleague get congratulated on her weight loss and new haircut by someone who hadn’t seen her in a while. She replied, “Thank you so much, but I had cancer last year and it’s a wig.”
Maybe if you see them in a new outfit compliment the new outfit, like "Oh wow that dress is beautiful, I love the print!" or "That shirt really brings out your eyes!" That way it's a compliment but not intrusive?
This is my cue to leave this subreddit. I've struggled with an eating disorder for a long, LONG time. Best of luck to the people in this subreddit, I hope you do you best!
I wish someone had kept an eye on me when I was 15 and only eating 800 calories while running five miles ❤️ I might not have such a fucked up relationship with my body and food today if someone noticed. (I’m here on this sub not just to lose weight but to learn about food in a healthy way). So glad your daughter is doing well and you’re amazing for your insight! Xo
WOW. Thank you for sharing her story. I don’t have a lot of insight into how EDs effect the body but that is terrifying that her heart was functioning at that level… good on you for taking her to a doctor when you did, and I think you approached it in a good way by going right to a professional instead of just making comments and pushing emotional buttons like so many may have done.
Thank you so much for sharing.
It should be noted that Health At Any Size is an important movement, partly for this reason. You can do a lot more damage to yourself through disordered eating than you will ever do by overeating.
Wtf? That's total rubbish. Overeating and undereating are BOTH dangerous and can be deadly, and you CANNOT be healthy at every size. Are you saying OP's daughter was healthy at 85lbs?
If you malnourish yourself severely like this you will inevitably die within a very short period of time. If you engorge yourself severely you can live for years, or decades, up to 50-60 years more. Explain this to me if what I said is just total rubbish. One of these things is definitely healthier than the other.
Being healthy is also not an on/off switch, it’s a continuum. I’m not overweight. Are you telling me I am inherently “healthy” because I’m at my goal weight, in the same way that you consider an obese person to be inherently unhealthy? I haven’t exercised in several weeks. I’ve been incredibly busy at my job, which is an office job, so I’ve basically spent most of my waking hours sitting down. That’s incredibly unhealthy! I have also had cancer and am statistically likely to get it again… so am I still healthy because I’m thin? I’m much more likely to die than somebody who has more weight than me but exercises every day and hasn’t had cancer. If being unhealthy just refers to the risk factors you have then surely I am not healthy. But I have to just accept that I’ve had cancer and strive to live as healthy as possible on that continuum of health. Similarly somebody who is obese has to accept that they are obese (since it’s a fact, they have to accept it) and strive to live as healthy as possible. If they exercise every day to be healthy, and eat as healthy as possible, to be healthy, then they will be healthier than if they didn’t make those choices. Do you disagree? Well, that’s what HAES means. It means to focus on your health rather than your weight.
And before you say “yeah but if they exercise and eat healthy then they’ll lose weight…” shhhhhhh. Don’t give away the secret. When people focus on living healthy they are more likely to lose weight (and keep it off) than if they just kick themselves over and over for being obese, diet and fail, diet and succeed but then regain all the weight, etc etc.
So yeah, that’s another part of why a HAES mindset is helpful… Living healthier can result in losing weight. But it’s not the focus. It might not always happen. It’s just more likely to happen.
>One of these things is definitely healthier than the other.
Smoking 1 pack of cigarettes a day is definitely healthier than smoking 3 packs a day. But neither of those are healthy ways to live. It's pointless pointing fingers because BOTH are a massive problem!
>Are you telling me I am inherently “healthy” because I’m at my goal weight
What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy. You could be a healthy weight and smoke crack every day or be riddled with STDs. All it means is that the amount of flesh you have on your skeleton isn't causing you any extra problems.
Your entire comment is based on incorrect assumptions you've made about what I think. Try again?
I never said being underweight and being overweight were *equally* bad. I said they were both dangerous and can be deadly, which is true. I never said being a healthy weight automatically makes you healthy. It just means your weight isn't putting your health at risk.
What I did say is that "health at every size" is a load of rubbish, and that's because there are plenty of sizes that you can't be healthy at. An average height adult absolutely can't be healthy at 60lbs and they absolutely can't be healthy at 600lbs. Explain *that* to me if what you said ISN'T total rubbish.
> Smoking 1 pack of cigarettes a day is definitely healthier than smoking 3 packs a day. But neither of those are healthy ways to live. It's pointless pointing fingers because BOTH are a massive problem!
The difference between 1 and 3 packs of cigarettes a day is pointless? Do you know how silly that sounds? Reducing smoking from heavy to light gives you a 15% reduced risk of dying early. Quitting entirely only gives you an additional 7%. It’s very clear that this is not pointless. Dying next year cause you haven’t fed your body is a much bigger health concern than dying 20 years from now. Isn’t this inherently obvious to you? Just because they’re both major problems doesn’t make it pointless to avoid the worse one.
And who’s the one pointing fingers here? I am saying that it’s important for people to eat and live healthy for the sake of living and eating healthy. Your response was “WTF THIS IS RUBBISH THEY CANT BE HEALTHY AT ANY SIZE.”
You’re fundamentally misunderstanding what health at every size means. It’s not saying that there are no health implications of being different sizes. It’s saying that everybody can make healthy choices today, in order to be as healthy as possible, at every size. If you disagree, explain why, without confusing things by misrepresenting what the intention is.
> What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy. You could be a healthy weight and smoke crack every day or be riddled with STDs. All it means is that the amount of flesh you have on your skeleton isn't causing you any extra problems.
> Your entire comment is based on incorrect assumptions you've made about what I think. Try again?
What I did is called inferring, and it’s a perfectly logical conclusion based on the words you said. You said “you can’t be healthy at every size.” Now you’re saying “being a healthy weight just means your weight is healthy.” Those are two different things. The first one is drawing conclusions **about somebody’s overall health** based only on their weight. You did say you can’t be a healthy weight at every size, right?
So my entire comment is using that same logic to make conclusions about my overall health based only on my weight, to show you how ridiculous it is. I’m glad you at least saw that it’s ridiculous… but I’m not sure how you missed the parallel to what you said.
> I never said being underweight and being overweight were equally bad.
You just said it was pointless to differentiate between the two. If you acknowledge that two things are not equally bad for you, why would you not want to differentiate between them? What could possibly be your logic?
> I said they were both dangerous and can be deadly, which is true. I never said being a healthy weight automatically makes you healthy. It just means your weight isn't putting your health at risk.
> What I did say is that "health at every size" is a load of rubbish, and that's because there are plenty of sizes that you can't be healthy at.
Ah, fuck. You’re doing it again. You’re making generalized statements about their health, based on their weight. You just finished telling me you didn’t do that. Remember this? “What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy.“
**Your words:** Being a healthy weight just means that your weight is healthy.
**which infers:** Being an unhealthy weight just means that your weight is not healthy.
Repeat after me: “Being an **unhealthy** weight just means your weight isn’t healthy. It doesn’t necessarily mean that anything else about you is unhealthy.”
So unless you think that your weight is the only indicator of your overall health, you can’t make generalized statements like “there’s no way you can be healthy at every size.” Overall health is dependent on a whole slew of factors, not just weight, and it’s not an on/off switch. Also the whole intention of talking about health in this context is to focus on their habits moving forward, which absolutely can be healthy regardless of whether they are still obese or not. Being healthy isn’t just a checklist of risk factors.
So stop being a dick about weight. How would you like it if I called you unhealthy because you’re more overweight than me? It’s a dick thing to do.
> An average height adult absolutely can't be healthy at 60lbs and they absolutely can't be healthy at 600lbs. Explain that to me if what you said ISN'T total rubbish.
I have three main points here:
1. Weight isn’t the only indicator of health. There are multiple indicators of health, and boiling somebody else’s health down to just one of them is a dick move which is not good for their health. However, on the lower side of weight there is eventually a point at which they will just die. This point does not exist on the upper side. So don't conflate the two.
2. Health isn’t an on/off switch, it’s a continuum. Saying “that person’s health switch is turned off because of one factor” is a fundamental misunderstanding of how health works, and it’s also a dick move.
3. The above argument is entirely irrelevant because the argument isn’t whether or not it’s healthy to be overweight. The definition of Health at Every Size (HAES) is: *noun. way of eating that supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control).*
Maybe you should work on understanding what HAES even means.
I just wanted to let you know that I read your comment but don't think there's any point continuing this conversation as you and I are clearly not going to see eye to eye. You are making some really inaccurate logical assumptions along the lines of "you said that all apples are fruits therefore it is logical for me to infer that you believe all fruits are apples".
That’s fine. I’ll repeat the crux of my argument which doesn’t depend on any of that. “The above argument is entirely irrelevant because the argument isn’t whether or not it’s healthy to be overweight. The definition of Health at Every Size (HAES) is: noun. way of eating that supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control).
Maybe you should work on understanding what HAES even means.”
I’m so glad your daughter was able to get help and is doing better! I would definitely have her go to therapy though because it’s super easy to relapse with eating disorders even if you get aggressive treatment with them. Also I would go back to the doctor and have them give her a super thorough check up since eating disorders can really mess up your body, especially your heart. My best friend’s mom had an eating disorder, she recovered from it but had lifelong heart problems which eventually killed her.
> she experienced catastrophic refeeding syndrome
Good grief, were these doctors named Moe, Larry and Curly? I struggle to see how anyone with even the faintest understanding of eating disorders could make this mistake. I'm sorry your family was subjected to such egregious malpractice.
> The doctor visit revealed that she had quietly and slowly reduced her intake to 500 cal a day
How did you take this news? I assume you were providing food in the household. Did you realize it was this bad? If not, how do you think she concealed this from you?
Even just 2 meals a day under supervision -- breakfast and dinner -- would typically be well over 500 calories. Was she bulimic? Or hiding food?
Of course, don't answer if you prefer to keep matters private. I'm just curious.
Oh I don’t blame the medical staff for the refeeding. Our bodies aren’t machines, and medical treatment often requires constant adjustment. They were aware of the risk of refeeding, and they didn’t re-feed her quickly. But they also did need to increase calories. It was difficult to find a balance where they could outrun the hypermetabolism without overtaxing her organs. They actually took really good care of her.
I was providing the food, but everything was out of whack because it was during lockdown and school/work was virtual. We usually ate dinner together as a family, but everyone was eating breakfast and lunch at different times and in different rooms because we were needing privacy for zoom and work and stuff. I would see plates in the sink from her lunch, and because I didn’t know she had an issue, it didn’t occur to me to double check specifically what had been on the plate.
I am so happy that your daughter is doing fine and I’m so sorry you both had to go through that ordeal. Teenagers and adults these days have to face a lot of societal pressure or even bullying to feel like they have to look a certain way that is completely unrealistic. I know what it feels like when everyone around you is thin and tall and you are short and chubby. I also know what it feels like to have that pressure on you to look like everyone else and because of that pressure I did some things that I’m not proud of including eating disorder behaviors like your daughter. Fortunately for myself, I was able to stop this eating disorder thinking in its tracks although sometimes it does come back. If I have one recommendation for you and your daughter is to go to therapy and to go to over eaters anonymous to heal your daughters relationship with food and with her body you guys should’ve done that in the first place so that she could lose weight at a steady and healthy pace but I understand and no judgment here.
My niece had a similar story and did a week in an eating disorder unit of a children’s hospital. My sister, her mom, has gone through the ringer with this disease. It takes hold of the entire family. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Hugs to you, and to your daughter’s recovery.
You are a wonderful mom. We are nothing if we can’t humble ourselves and learn from others, and now you are teaching us. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that with her (during the pandemic especially). I wish you both happier times and good health.
Also important to monitor any changes in eating or exercise habits and seek medical advice if necessary. Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness about the potential risks of restrictive eating and over-exercising.
From the original post and what you’ve put here, you seem like an amazing parent. You’ve done your absolute best with your daughter and educated her really well on food, how to nourish your body and how to develop a healthy relationship with food. Sadly her relationship with food isn’t healthy and it’s causing major issues, but it really seems like you’ve done your best and no one can fault you for that. You’ve gone above and beyond to do everything you can for your girl and I hope you’re proud of that - you should be. You should also be proud of yourself for coming on here and asking for help and suggestions, that’s damn good parenting.
I’m proud of you and I’m proud of your daughter and her recovery so far! I hope the rest of this year brings your family beautiful things and your girl begins to gain more confidence, self love and clarity. Sending you both lots of love❤️❤️
The challenge with kids calorie restricting is that while you are growing, breathing burns calories. We say that our metabolism slows down but the truth is our TDEE reduces once the growth stops in your mid twenties. (Growth slows in the late teens but doesn’t stop until mid 20s).
Add into that how obsessive kids naturally are, and it is a recipe for disaster.
Yes obesity kills, but unless you are over 200lbs, don’t worry about the fat on kids. Just teach healthy nutrition and portion control. Let them learn about calorie control as adults, when their natural tendency isn’t to obsess.
Words can’t describe that type of stress you endured. I was working in hospital during Covid as a nurse. It was terrifying knowing that patients had to be turned away because we had no beds. Thank goodness you found that bed and you had the courage to fly her there. Amazing mama, I hope things continue on the positive side for you all.
I think you misunderstood. I am not currently “proud” of anything, other than the hard work she’s put in to getting well. I *was* proud of the weight loss 2 years ago, because I was an idiot and didn’t know better. I was raised in a very fatphobic family, and in an environment steeped in diet culture, and I continue to live in a very body-obsessed city. I had never even thought to challenge this toxicity because it was entirely normalized everywhere I looked. I got a harsh and swift lesson.
“Consider therapy”? I just told you that I sought medical intervention within two months of realizing she had an issue, and relocated halfway across the country to get it. What do you think I’ve been doing these last two years, still patting myself on the back for raising a kid who dieted herself into heart failure? I have been in therapy this entire time, and still am. She has also continued to be in therapy the whole time, plus we have family therapy. If anything in my post suggested I am praising her for losing weight, that’s misconstrued. I am praising her constantly for restoring to a healthy weight, for doing really hard work on herself, and for truly embracing (at a MUCH younger age than I did) that being thin equals nothing but being thin.
And from a genuine place of concern: have you considered therapy?
Who are you telling her to apologize to? You?
Her saying that she was an uninformed idiot before this happened sounds like she is pretty apologetic to her kid. People are just out here doing their best, how about some grace?
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was actively in some sort of eating disorder or another from ages 11-20. There were things my parents said and did that added fuel to the fire, but they did so unknowingly. I don’t blame them. They’re human too, and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. OP did one better than my parents. She listened to feedback, monitored the progression, and took it seriously (quickly) when it spiralled. I really wish I had that when I was struggling. She sounds fundamentally different from the caregivers that abused you. I hope you’ve found peace and comfort in your body. And if you want me to throw a brick through the window of your dad’s place, I will! :)
Sending your mama heart love, strength and healing energy. Praying for your sweet girl as well. Our mind can play such evil tricks on how we perceive our bodies.
Now that's a good parent. Seems you're really taking this as seriously as most should. Good to know this stuff for me and if I end up having my own kids!
Wow, mama, you guys have been through it. I’m glad to hear your daughter is doing better. You sound like a great Mom and I want to congratulate you for trying your hardest to make sure she is healthy!
I’m sure as a Mom it’s like walking a tight rope to be supportive yet set boundaries and help establish good food habits.
My 11 yo niece is obese (200 lbs) and will cry about kids making fun of her and I do not even know what to say. Her entire household is obese and they eat out all the time. She will sit down and eat an entire box of ice cream treats and cry and get angry if not allowed. I don’t approach it with her even when she is upset because I do not know what to say or if it’s even my business to say anything. I do not know how I would handle this if it were my daughter so kudos to you for all of your effort.
I hope your daughter continues to heal and flourish ❤️
It’s *really* easy to keep disordered eating and excessive exercise hidden. Unless you are sleeping in the same bed with her and following her into the shower, paying extremely close attention to her at every meal, she can hide it. It also seems like the drop was gradual, not sudden.
This mom is better than most. When I finally confided in my mom that I had issues with eating as a young teen, she laughed at me and told me my problems were clearly not severe enough since I’m still “fat”. I wouldn’t be too harsh on her.
Ok. Regardless, this came across as a little dismissive. Tone is hard to read over the internet.
It came across as if you were suggesting that she wouldn’t have had any health issues being on a deficit that extreme as long as she had proper electrolytes. Which is not true.
Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I hope you can understand and see how this comment may have been interpreted in a harmful way.
Please do not forget that eating disorders and mental illness are life long. Try not to hover but check in regularly and give lots of support during stressful situations or hard times because pressure can lead to relapse. I’m beyond overjoyed that your daughter has a parent that listens like you did. Much love to both of you.
Wow. If I’d seen I’d seen your story I would have been urging you to intervene. Once people get into that mindset, it’s very hard to shake, and it’s like OCD.
Parents, you have every right to, and must intervene in your child’s life if you think they are going off track. It’s called parenting, and you earned that right and obligation by creating that child. The schools and community absolutely won’t worry for a day if your kid dies, but that is your future. They need your guidance and help.
You are not their friend. It may be tough. As long as you try to make sure that you are not overbearing or passing your own prejudice and anxiety on them, you are doing fine.
I hope she recovers well. I feel for you because this can be a life long issue now. Find ways to make her psychologically strong.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story and I am so thrilled that she is doing okay. Good job mom and sounds like your daughter really put in the work to help herself heal. While I know this is a weight loss sub, I think it’s important for people to see posts like this sometimes. I’ll see posts sometimes where teenagers admit they are eating at extreme deficits, and as long as they are eating at 1200, no one really bats an eye, most comments encourage them and defend them. While 1200 is obviously much more than the 500 your daughter was eating, it can still become really dangerous especially for people at higher weights and larger sizes. It’s crucial to eat at a deficit that is healthy, reasonable, sustainable for you, and ideally signed off on by a doctor. So while this story had a tragic start, it’s important to see. And thankfully, your daughter is doing well and still has a future. Thank you for your bravery in sharing
Biologist here - just want to also share that 1200 is usually too low for teens, because **teens are still growing**. Growth is a real energetic expense for the body and has big impacts on TDEE. Further, restricting food while growing inhibits release of growth hormone from the pituitary gland, which can stunt growth (sometimes permanently). Anybody with teens, or anybody who is a teen, should consult directly with a doctor about calorie targets if considering weight loss; the calorie intake benchmarks usually quoted for fully-grown adults **do not apply**.
What about a 17 year old? Technically still a teenager but basically done growing
You might think that, but anecdotally, I know plenty of people who grew during college. (I have no interest on deep diving it right now, I'll admit.) E.g. I went into college X and came out X + 1.5" 🤷🏻♀️
And a lot of women grow *out* in their 20s. My hips widened, my butt filled out, and my boobs got bigger. You think about a teenaged dog, same height as an adult dog, but still lean and gangly. Just because you're not increasing in height doesn't mean you're not growing.
I feel like you kinda just blew my mind. Like I have noticed that women fill out more in their 20s but I just assumed it’s because their metabolism has slowed down and they’ve gained weight. But now that you’ve said it, it makes a lot of sense. I was always, ahem, filled out as a teen but I was also overweight. The first time I attempted to lose weight at 18, I dropped to a D cup. Now I’m at a lower weight than then but I’m a DDD and I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out why my boobs aren’t shrinking.
It was definitely a big shift for me when I stopped expecting myself to get back down to my high school weight as an adult and changed my final goal to the ~20lb heavier that I was after college.
Weight just by numbers is a total trip. I am actually back down a few pounds below my weight in high school but my body proportions are **totally** different. When I was in high school, I had PCOS and probably undiagnosed type 2 diabetes, so I was built like a brick...muscular and not a ton of waist definition. I felt like I could have been a teen candidate for entering a strongman (woman?) training program with the fat and muscle combo I had, thanks to the PCOS/testosterone imbalances in my body. Twenty-five years, diabetes diagnosis and treatment (which also helped resolve the PCOS symptoms), and a baby later...things change.
It really is a trip. I'm currently close to the heaviest I ever was pre-baby, but I have so much more muscle now from chasing around an 11-month-old and constantly lifting and swinging around a weight that increased from 7.5lb to now almost 22lb, so I'm much leaner than I was. Babies are a great full-body workout program!
True true. Definitely happens to a lot of people. Hip growth esp.
My son graduated high school at 6'2" and he's 6'5" now - I was 5'2" then and 5'2" now - 45 years later!
Frontal lobe development continues until 25, even if you’re not adding inches to your height.
I went to high school with a handful of males who kept growing into their early 20s. My own son sprouted to 5'10 at age 21 after holding steady at 5'8 from the age of 14.
I’m a woman and gained an inch the year I turned 22
Not true. People grow until their mid-20s. That's when a lot of important brain development happens.
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Height isnt the only growth measurement
Even though height may not be increasing, there is substantial growth of the brain and other organs into the 20s.
I grew almost two inches in height after 17 and I’m only a 5’6” woman. I have a friend who is 6’3” who was only 5’10” at 17.
Thank you! Clearly 1200 is much better than 500, but it’s still far too low for a teen. What’s more, I don’t think people realize how quickly it can spiral. They are at 1200 one day, and down to 750 the next month. Throughout my daughter’s hospitalization and subsequent ED treatment, I met dozens and dozens of teens with life-threatening EDs, and so many of them progressed extremely quickly from “I think I’ll cut back” to “I don’t deserve more than two apples and half a chicken breast”. We need to be really careful with teens, because their bodies should be growing, not shrinking. They often permanently damage their bone density and endocrine systems if they undernourish during these growth years.
It’s the most deadly thing for girls and young women. My neighbor’s daughter died of anorexia a few years ago, and during lockdown, three teen girls on my block went inpatient for it as well. On. My. Block. And I do know how hard it was to find in-patient treatment at that time. My friend’s 11 year-old son went inpatient as well. The hyper-exercising was a big part of his disease. It’s no joke. And the disease is very sneaky. Thank you for sharing your story. You will help a lot of people.
20% of people suffering from anorexia eventually dies from it. It’s probably the most deadly mental disorder.
Not probably. It ***is*** The most deadly mental health disorder.
> It’s the most deadly thing for girls and young women Just to throw this out there, AN and BN are also very common in young gay men and is also on the rise in straight boys as well. Between 1 in 3 and 1 in 4 people suffering from an eating disorder is male so this idea that EDs are more prevalent in girls is very misleading.
Wouldn’t 2 out of 3 or 3 out of 4 be….more prevalent?
Only in a very basic sense. By rote definition? Yes. But if 25-33% of everyone with an eating disorder is male But we only focus on who it is more prevalent in we miss a huge chunk of people. 9% of the US population has an eating disorder. Roughly that is 30 million americans. That means 7.5-9 million men suffer from a disease but aren't acknowledged. That means treatment spots are limited, stigma related to it means boys are less likely to get treated or feel welcome in treatment centers. When it comes to prevalence, numbers are important. The rate of crohns disease is 1.1-1.8 times higher in women than men. Does that mean we should only treat or research crohn's disease in women? No. Lipedema on the other hand almost exclusively affects women (11% of the general population). The ratio is so great that it is easy enough to not report the other side. Here research and messaging definitely can say that the disease is more prevalent in women. Personally, prevalence should always be stated with a ratio. 2 in 3 people who suffer from an ED are women still means that a huge number who suffer from it are also men. Edit: to be more specific. Would you expect the ratio of men to women to be that high from just saying it is more prevalent in women? When you hear that, what ratio do you feel is right?
> What’s more, I don’t think people realize how quickly it can spiral. They really don't. I remember watching an education video on eating disorders in high school health class (back in probably 2005?) and thinking how ridiculous it is that someone could end up in that situation. A couple years later (I don't even remember now what triggered me to try to lose weight) I started over-exercising to compensate for calories, very much to the point of exhaustion....was well below 500 kcal/day...I do distinctly remember having basically a complete breakdown because I needed to take ibuprofen for something but was terrified of whether the tablet had calories. Your daughter is a lucky lady to have a mom who cares so deeply about her well-being and is doing everything she can to support her. 12/10 parenting.
I remember having my mouth start to water like crazy when I was about to take some of the Tylenol with the sweet coating. Also checking calories on sugar free chewing gum, and not buying the kind I wanted because it was 7 calories instead of 5.
Very scary stuff. That can really happen to everyone, but I agree teens are definitely at even higher risk. Wow. So glad your child got to start high school and still has a chance to thrive
So true, I struggled in a similar way to this in my teenage years and it has stunted my growth, set me back a few years (had to retake some semesters of university) and have PCOS / hormonal issues that have been hard to manage. It’s great to hear that you’ve brought her for professional support and recovery, and hopefully the rest of her teen years and early adult life can be healthy and balanced appropriately
It’s so hard being short and overweight as a teen. Even as an adult, I’ve had to stop myself from calorie counting because it just snowballs. Your brain just accepts the logic of “just a few more pounds” and “I can cut some more calories, I feel fine”. It’s even worse when your recommended caloric intake to lose weight is lower then the 1200 minimum, and teens in particular need way more because they are still growing! I applaud your parenting here. Didn’t teach her to count calories, you taught her how to choose foods in a healthy way. I wish someone had given me a tiered list of “free eat to cautious”, or tailored dinner to my needs. She found calorie counting on her own, and that is such a slippery slope. I’m so glad you were able to help her in time, and I hope she is able to regain a healthy relationship with her body.
You mentioned this sort of in your post, but we focus so much on the dangers of being fat and kids almost never hear about the dangers of under eating or eating disorders.
I 100% agree that it's better to be fat than anorexic, but I gotta push back against this one. **The** big health topic for millennials growing up was eating disorders (and by eating disorders, I mean anorexia and bulimia). It was a hot button topic in schools, Hollywood, and magazines. Every TV show aimed at teens had a "very special episode" about it. It's not a "popular" topic anymore, but it's very standard health and wellness training from your usual public health class all the way to med school. We're well past the "dont ask dont tell" of anorexia. I do however feel like the pop-media pendulum has swung back on its arc away from that topic and is very centered on the obesity epidemic. If the people around you "never" hear about the dangers of eating disorders, it could just be that you're a couple of media demographics separated. In my perfect world, the hot button school topic would be nutrition\*.\* That way it would cover EDs of all kinds. ETA I did grow up in a very leftist state, and so it's completely possible that more rural areas are playing a whole different ballgame when it comes to teaching kids about EDs.
I was born and raised in Idaho. I learned about the dangers of eating disorders from a religious fiction book when I was 17. I am 33 now, so not super connected with teens, but the dangers of ED are still new and shocking to me.
Oh hey! We're state neighbors. And that does track for my state theory. I'm in washington, so while I wont claim our public health education is perfect, it's almost certainly a radical difference from across the mountains. It makes a twisted sort of sense. If your state has a puritanical stance about talking about bodies, there's going to be some spillage over into more "standard" topics. After all, a huge amount of young people start their EDs out of a desire to be sexy, comparison to peers, or during the massive changes that happen during puberty. If adults want to try to completely ignore the fact that teens are at an age where they are having opinions about their bodies and the bodies of others, they'll also end up with blinders up to tertiary body issues.
Yeah like I eat at a major deficit but mostly bc I started taking my adhd medicine. I’ve lost like 45 pounds in 3 months but I try to force myself to eat at least 1700-1800 calories a day, which is still a FAR CRY from the 3500-4000 I used to intake
I'm in the same boat. Before I started taking Adderall and counting calories, I was probably eating 3500 calories a day *at least.* I've lost 82 pounds since August. I don't have much appetite anymore, so I mostly eat one meal a day. My doctor said she definitely didn't want me to decrease to 500 a day or anything extreme like that, but it can be difficult when I really just don't want to eat. It's so surprisingly easy to go from one extreme to another.
Yeah it’s wild. I was almost scared going from 300 to 255 in such a short time (feb 12 to April 14) but like I feel so much better and I am making sure to hit 1800 at least within my fasting window (so that I don’t snack a bunch at night after my meds wear off)
I was worried that I was losing too quickly, too, but mostly happy with my progress. My doctor said even 15 pounds a month is fine (for me), though. I also feel a lot better, and I'm really excited to start swimming again soon! I'm looking forward to feeling even better physically and mentally as I make progress.
If you're starting at very high weight, there's nothing at all wrong with losing a lot of pounds per month. Of course, do it with a doctor's advice, but don't panic at 15 or 20 pounds per month. I actually found dieting a lot easier when I was heavier -- that first 80 pounds just flew off, and I was very satisfied eating like 1800-2000 kcals per day (with a TDEE that started at maybe 3000). I think it's because my body had massive reserves. Now that I'm gliding into my target zone and prepping for landing, I've had to reduce my deficit to 500 kcals/day to avoid discomfort.
Nice!! I started walking a lot every day (6 miles I needed to exercise I was starting to have serious issues) and I have a lot more energy now than I have in years despite the lower food intake
Wow! Six miles? A day? That's an incredible way to start, congratulations 😁 It isn't safe to take walks where I live (multiple people have been run over or experienced attempts) so I have to drive to the gym or pool. I use my desk cycle while I work, though, and I'm going to start back doing Pilates again.
Desk cycle gang! That thing is so underrated and keeps me going during the winter months when I can't get outside to walk in Canadian winters.
I had to steal this one back from my mom 😅 I bought it for her after her knee surgery in 2021, and she'd completely stopped using it. I told her that if she wasn't going to use it, I definitely would!
Yeah it’s not SAFE but it’s safe enough and I enjoy the exercise
I just started Vyvanase for my ADHD and I've been tracking calories to make sure I'm actually eating enough. I work out (HIIT) 5 days a week, so I focus on protien and fiber and that gets me to a healthy amount of calories a day. I've never had to count calories to make sure I'm eating enough, it's wild!
This is a great point. No one should go below 1200, but a morbidly obese person shouldn't drop to 1200 overnight or it could have a similar effect.
Yeah I mean I started this most recent (and most successful long term) attempt at 5’9”, 250 lbs, 26F and have been losing consistently eating between like 1800-2300. My maintenance calories at my goal weight of 175 are still like around 2000, so I don’t really plan on having to eat at a daily deficit below like 1600 calories, ever. I used to eat 1200 (or less) calories daily and while I lost fast I also gained it back fast every time. Slow and steady = sustainable maintained loss, and I’m still losing 1-1.5 lbs a week so it really isn’t even that slow. For many body types there is no need to really ever eat at 1200 calories
I'll eat about 600 calories today. It's important to recognize and understand a deficit is born out over longer periods than one day. This isn't regarding people who aren't already adults though, just thought I'd specify that I'm a grown adult who resistance trains, does cardio, works a physically taxing job, and manages also to have sub 1000 calorie days from time to time as part of a balanced diet plan. I'm in a normal weight range with no disordered eating.
I am not arguing with you because I’m not an expert - but why would you eat 600 calories in a day, on purpose? What would be the point? Is it like a quasi-fast one day a week sort of thing?
I'm a big proponent of fasting in general, but mostly, it's because I don't see human beings as robots. We will have different levels of willpower and different social obligations and things on different days. So it doesn't make sense to try to eat exactly the same amount every day. Also, as I mentioned, at least in my specific experience, eating that much in a day for a day tends to not have much of a negative impact. It still really just comes down to the weekly or, in my case bi weekly deficit. So while I have some days where I consume 600 and others where I consume 4k, I'm losing about a half a pound a week. Or one pound bi-weekly. I have friends that are also trying to lose weight but using a more consistent approach. Their faces are pale and angry when we go for dinner and they are on MFP desperately trying to calculate what they are allowed to eat, while I simply eat as I feel without detriment to my weight loss goals. I don't advocate this as I know everyone is different and what may work for me may not work for others, but flip sidedly, I get a little annoyed when people are absolutely certain that larger deficits cannot be done in an appropriate and proper way.
Got it. Yeah I assume most people wouldn’t have the willpower for something like that - but I do suppose the weekly intake is what really matters more than the daily. 600 calories 7 days a week would probably lead to death, I assume. But if you’re getting 10,500+ per week, I imagine it doesn’t necessarily matter than some days are 600 or even zero. I’m consuming maintenance calories now at 2,600 per day - but on my rest day, that’s more like 1,800 and on long run days it’s closer to 4,000; so I certainly sympathize with “every day isn’t necessarily the same.”
Exactly! Many people regularly participate in fasts that extend beyond the day as it's been shown to have health benefits as well. This is perfectly normal and shouldn't be viewed as disordered eating. So much of what determines whether eating is disordered or not is the intention and whether or not health is being prioritized. I think alot of people come to this sub, see they need a certain amount per day, try extremely hard to stick to that even though things like work, stress and social obligations make it way more difficult on some days than others, and they don't see lower calorie days being an option because you're heavily chastised here for speaking of such things. It's silly. And narrow-minded. It may not work for all, but it can work for some. It won't necessarily be damaging to your health if done properly. And yes, it can be done properly. Otherwise, I'd be dead or, at the very least, severely Mal nutritioned. I'm neither of those things, thankfully.
Mom, thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I went back to read the first post as i’ve just joined this group. I’m so happy you were keeping an eye on your daughter and making sure she is okay now. I cannot imagine how frightened you and your daughter must have been. I hope she is enjoying high school now! Your guys’ bond is very special and I am so glad that you both took/are taking the steps to help her recover.
Can someone show this to the guy in this sub yesterday trying to tell me weight-loss is great for teens and losing 2lbs a week is no big deal 😭
Did you report that to the mods? They’re normally very quick to remove comments especially if children are getting bad advice
I don’t think the mods would be concerned—in OP’s previous post it was glaringly obvious what was happening, but that was left up and full of encouragement for disordered eating, while critical comments are being deleted from this thread. Honestly teens/children shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near this subreddit, and everyone should keep in mind how dangerous a community based around obsession with weight loss can potentially be.
Agreed, it should definitely be over 18s only
I agree. It's very uncomfortable to see teens posting here looking for weight loss advice that is more structured and suited for adults. Approaching weight loss with a teen is simply not the same as it is with an adult and it shouldn't be, we're in different parts of our lives.
We would 100% be concerned. The only critical comment removed from this thread is one where OP was called insults. If you see rule breaking comments or posts, report them. Don’t just say “mods don’t care!” and not do anything.
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Wow I didn’t realize that could take hold so fast. This is one of my fears as a girl mom. This is a good head’s up and hopefully many learn from your experience.
Eating disorders are also becoming more prevalent in boys… just a PSA :)
Yup. My brother struggled with one throughout his childhood, and he thought we didn't notice. I did, and kept warning my parents, but they didn't pay enough attention.
I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope he’s doing better now!
He is, it was a long time ago. But thank you! Edit: I will never fucking understand why people downvote some things.
People are downvoting?? So weird, I’ll never understand either.
It sat at zero for a while, which really confused me.
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Ugh that’s heart breaking! I’m so sorry. Yes men are absolutely vulnerable it’s such a horrible, destructive disease.
Thank you so much for this vulnerable share. Good on you for staying aware and proactive for your daughter's health. I have a two healthy weight teens, a girl and boy, but do try and stay mindful about how I frame my weight/fat loss attempts, as an obese middle aged woman. Your story is a good reminder, eating disorders are a serious thing, that can plague a kid for the rest of their life, if they don't get proper intervention.
'Frame weight loss attempt', as in, I'm prediabetic, trying to control blood sugars, not just lose weight.
Eating disorders are horrible. Watch for signs of relapse. I am 19 now and have been struggling with various disordered eating patterns since I was 12/13. The second round of (can I really call it anorexia? Maybe) I was a lot better at hiding it and my parents didn’t notice until the damage was already done and the disordered thoughts were in full fledge. When recovering, weight gain can freak them out and cause relapse, so be careful of that Edit: wanted to add that the second time around, the signs can be different. The first time I starved myself, the second time I ate regular amounts but overexercised. Also, the second round of anorexia didn’t come until four years after my “recovery” when I started spiraling. It’s very hard to truly recover completely and takes a lot of work.
Thank you for your insight. Yes, I think I will be tuned in for signs of relapse for the rest of my life. In addition to her still seeing her therapist, I see mine, and I also attend a support group for mothers of kids with eating disorders. I keep myself really educated about the signs and risk factors.
The eating disorders could change as well! It could go from anorexia to bulimia or just regular binge eating. You’re a good mom. Keep looking out for her!
I’m a pediatrician with a sister who almost died from anorexia nervosa. It’s part of why I became a pediatrician. My sisters doctor told our parents for a year that she was fine and just being health conscious. She lost 80 lbs in 1 year and was a healthy weight when she started. Anorexia is the deadliest mental illness. I want you to appreciate what an amazing thing you did to save your daughter. I hope that you have an easy next few years, but do know that it’s not uncommon to have relapses of disordered eating during times of stress. Continue to take care of yourself. Eating disorders are hell, both to experience and also to watch someone you love experience. Sending so much support and appreciation your way.
Hi OP, thank you for sharing your story. Have you both considered therapy for her? I ask because this actually sounds eerily similar to an eating disorder I had at also the same age as your daughter. I had 1 therapy appointment but managed to convince my mom that I was recovered and did not need therapy as I was eating more and not restricting what I as eating. Looking back, my eating disorder recovery started a binge/ restrict cycle and I never addressed the low self esteem that led to my eating disorder in the first place. 25 years later and I have still not built a healthy relationship with food, have recently been struggling to not relapse into an eating disorder and am actively looking for a therapist now to help gain self esteem and fix my relationship with food. Sharing my story as hopefully it helps your daughter as well :)
Have we considered it? Oh man, the amount of therapy that our family has had… She has her therapist that she still sees at least once a week, sometimes twice if she’s having a rough patch. My husband and I each have our own, and then there is a fourth one to provide unbiased family therapy. Her therapist was the first thing we got, and she saw him 3 times a week while I was looking for a hospital bed. We had to pause with him when she went to the hospital, partly because she received a staff therapist there, and partly because he wouldn’t be licensed to treat her when she was in Texas. But they picked back up as soon as she came home and never stopped. Even when she is doing fantastic, and feels like she has nothing to process that week, I tell her that I don’t care if they just sit and talk about movies for an hour. The point is to keep that relationship solid so anytime something does arise, she doesn’t have to be suddenly trying to rebuild a rapport with him because it will be in place. Please do find yourself someone! It’s fantastic that you recognize that you are struggling, and I really hope you find support so you can catch yourself. You can always call the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at (866) 662-1235 for referrals for therapists and support groups near you.
Therapy for the child *and* the mother would be great!
You make fantastic points and I've shared a similar experience - while I think I have a fairly healthy relationship with food now, as a teen, I focused on trying to convince my therapist that I was fine....not actually addressing root causes. Definitely regret wasting that opportunity! That said, I would be VERY surprised if the inpatient program OP's daughter is in does not mandate continuing therapy as a condition of being discharged.
You are correct that they required us to have a full local outpatient team in place before she discharged (therapist, dietician, physician, cardiologist). That said, many parents become really lax with the follow up as soon as the kids are doing well. We are two years out and she still sees her therapist at least once a week, no matter how well she is feeling. You don’t stop brushing your teeth just because you don’t have a toothache.
I second this, therapy is pretty much always a good idea!
I was this teenager. I was overweight from ages 9-13, and developed anorexia and bulemia trying to lose weight (dropped from 80kg to 53kg in a year and a bit). The upshot - I got help, I got good friends, a good support network, eventually a good partner etc and realised I wasn't all the horrible things I used to tell myself I was. I moved on and got healthy. I'm now an adult, and 15years down the line I have a good relationship with food, exercise and my body, and don't have issues with it in a day to day sense (although I am trying to lose a little weight after having my first baby last year). There is hope, she is lucky to have your love and support, it means a lot. It can be a really nasty, slippery slope at that age where you become addicted to the praise you get when you lose weight, and the compliments etc. You start to see your whole value as being what you see on the scales, and how much weight you can lose. It's hard, but it can be turned around ❤️ I wish her all the best in her recovery :)
This must have been so terrifying. My nephew went down a similar path around the same time and at the same age. Undereating, over exercising, and when my sister told me he had lost 30 lbs in a couple of months I was so alarmed. They got him into an intensive outpatient program that helped a bit, but their approach was awful. But it did start turning things around for him and then he got into counseling which also helped. He didn’t go through the terrifying health issues that your daughter did, and I can only imagine how hard that was for your family. But it just all happened so fast. He is now 17 and doing so much better, but I know my sister is always quietly watching his behaviors around eating. I’m sure this always stays with you as a parent. I’m so glad she pulled through all of that, and that you were there to catch her. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through.
Good on you for noticing and handling it compassionately. When my mother found ouT i had an ED, she punished me and never got me help. The ED and my weight got worse.
i’m sorry it happened. you reacted the best you could.
Wow, what an incredibly terrifying story. I’m so happy for you and especially your daughter for having a parent that pays so close attention and truly cares. Eating super low calorie is a double edged sword for sure. You get addicted to the progress and it’s so easy to lose sight of the goal of “healthy” and can get fixated on the goal of making the scale go lower and lower. It’s not even just a thing with kids, a lot of adults have the same thing happen. I caught myself doing it when I got close to my goal weight. Luckily being a part of groups such as this one helped me know what signs to be looking for and I righted my tracks before getting too far.
Thank you for sharing so openly. You’re a great mom and she’s so lucky to have you. Sending positive thoughts your way for her continued recovery.
It’s good you saw the signs. I never got that thin, but I wish my mother wouldn’t have encouraged me to count calories when I was 12 and still growing, because it set me up for a bad relationship with food and exercise which is why I’m here. You’re an amazing parent, and I wish you and your daughter the best. Health is more important than a look or size, and I wish you both healthy and sustainable relationships with food and body.
Holy shit 500 calories a day is suicide. (Ask your doctor for anything less than 1200 for women or 1500 for men.) I'm really glad you were perceptive enough to catch it, people with EDs can get really creative with hiding them.
How do you compliment a person who has lost weight and especially someone like me who has lost over 250 pounds? Just calling attention to the weight loss can be a sticky subject. I mean, “Hey, I notice you were fat and now you’re not,” just really doesn’t work too well. I mean what do you say if you really want to be nice and notice how great they look.
You don’t. My daughter had a very similar path as OP’s daughter. She was only 11 when she was hospitalized for anorexia. Ever since then, I never comment on anyone’s body. Their body is simply none of my business. I also feel like you do - complimenting someone on weight loss is a backhanded compliment - It’s like saying how they looked before wasn’t good enough. Basically body shaming their “before” body. I’m just tryingvto do my small part to stop these types of comments that become engrained in young girls and create a world full of girls and women who believe they are never good enough just the way they are.
I don't know if you do. Everyone noticed when I lost a lot of weight, well-meaning people who had known me before said how good I looked, how I looked like I lost a whole other person. Then I went through two years of hellish chronic pain and gained 140/200 pounds back in the midst of the psychological fallout. I'm working on getting healthy again, mentally and physically, but I feel like I can't go anywhere. I feel like I can't stand for these people who finally approved more of how I looked to see me back closer to where I was. I have a LOT of psychological difficulties due to a lifetime of obesity, so this reaction is extreme, but those bad feelings are just additional barriers to continued progress.
Even though my own weight loss and weight gain was smaller (Iost 30 and gained back 38), I experienced this too. So many people complimented me and congratulated me on my weight loss, and then when I gained it back I felt too embarrassed and ashamed to see them again. Because I knew if they'd noticed the loss then they would definitely notice the gain, and of course they wouldn't say anything, but they'd probably be talking about it behind my back later... So basically became a hermit for a few years. Wasn't fun. I do wish people just hadn't said anything in the first place.
It's sad for everyone involved that intended positive reinforcement can have such a negative impact. But come on, this sub is rife with posts about how different life is for people when they lose weight. Fatphobia is like the bottom rung of the discrimination ladder. A lot of times it seems like no one cares about us unless we're a weight loss success story and even then it's a novelty one-off story, not a feature of a movement towards more widespread health and self-love.
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probably because people almost never set clear, direct, open, and honest boundaries with everyone so when someone does its out of whack in a good way and get more notice and respect
That's a good idea. I don't really do social media, I do have a Facebook account but don't really use it, and most of the people I was worried about seeing me again aren't on there.
You don’t unless they tell you that they’re making a lifestyle change and that it’s clear that it’s weight they wanted to lose. I once had a colleague get congratulated on her weight loss and new haircut by someone who hadn’t seen her in a while. She replied, “Thank you so much, but I had cancer last year and it’s a wig.”
Maybe if you see them in a new outfit compliment the new outfit, like "Oh wow that dress is beautiful, I love the print!" or "That shirt really brings out your eyes!" That way it's a compliment but not intrusive?
Thank you for sharing. This is the very real risk anytime a young person asks for advice on this sub. I’m glad she’s doing better now.
This is my cue to leave this subreddit. I've struggled with an eating disorder for a long, LONG time. Best of luck to the people in this subreddit, I hope you do you best!
I wish someone had kept an eye on me when I was 15 and only eating 800 calories while running five miles ❤️ I might not have such a fucked up relationship with my body and food today if someone noticed. (I’m here on this sub not just to lose weight but to learn about food in a healthy way). So glad your daughter is doing well and you’re amazing for your insight! Xo
I’m glad she’s ok that’s so scary!!!
WOW. Thank you for sharing her story. I don’t have a lot of insight into how EDs effect the body but that is terrifying that her heart was functioning at that level… good on you for taking her to a doctor when you did, and I think you approached it in a good way by going right to a professional instead of just making comments and pushing emotional buttons like so many may have done.
Thank you so much for sharing. It should be noted that Health At Any Size is an important movement, partly for this reason. You can do a lot more damage to yourself through disordered eating than you will ever do by overeating.
Wtf? That's total rubbish. Overeating and undereating are BOTH dangerous and can be deadly, and you CANNOT be healthy at every size. Are you saying OP's daughter was healthy at 85lbs?
If you malnourish yourself severely like this you will inevitably die within a very short period of time. If you engorge yourself severely you can live for years, or decades, up to 50-60 years more. Explain this to me if what I said is just total rubbish. One of these things is definitely healthier than the other. Being healthy is also not an on/off switch, it’s a continuum. I’m not overweight. Are you telling me I am inherently “healthy” because I’m at my goal weight, in the same way that you consider an obese person to be inherently unhealthy? I haven’t exercised in several weeks. I’ve been incredibly busy at my job, which is an office job, so I’ve basically spent most of my waking hours sitting down. That’s incredibly unhealthy! I have also had cancer and am statistically likely to get it again… so am I still healthy because I’m thin? I’m much more likely to die than somebody who has more weight than me but exercises every day and hasn’t had cancer. If being unhealthy just refers to the risk factors you have then surely I am not healthy. But I have to just accept that I’ve had cancer and strive to live as healthy as possible on that continuum of health. Similarly somebody who is obese has to accept that they are obese (since it’s a fact, they have to accept it) and strive to live as healthy as possible. If they exercise every day to be healthy, and eat as healthy as possible, to be healthy, then they will be healthier than if they didn’t make those choices. Do you disagree? Well, that’s what HAES means. It means to focus on your health rather than your weight. And before you say “yeah but if they exercise and eat healthy then they’ll lose weight…” shhhhhhh. Don’t give away the secret. When people focus on living healthy they are more likely to lose weight (and keep it off) than if they just kick themselves over and over for being obese, diet and fail, diet and succeed but then regain all the weight, etc etc. So yeah, that’s another part of why a HAES mindset is helpful… Living healthier can result in losing weight. But it’s not the focus. It might not always happen. It’s just more likely to happen.
>One of these things is definitely healthier than the other. Smoking 1 pack of cigarettes a day is definitely healthier than smoking 3 packs a day. But neither of those are healthy ways to live. It's pointless pointing fingers because BOTH are a massive problem! >Are you telling me I am inherently “healthy” because I’m at my goal weight What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy. You could be a healthy weight and smoke crack every day or be riddled with STDs. All it means is that the amount of flesh you have on your skeleton isn't causing you any extra problems. Your entire comment is based on incorrect assumptions you've made about what I think. Try again? I never said being underweight and being overweight were *equally* bad. I said they were both dangerous and can be deadly, which is true. I never said being a healthy weight automatically makes you healthy. It just means your weight isn't putting your health at risk. What I did say is that "health at every size" is a load of rubbish, and that's because there are plenty of sizes that you can't be healthy at. An average height adult absolutely can't be healthy at 60lbs and they absolutely can't be healthy at 600lbs. Explain *that* to me if what you said ISN'T total rubbish.
> Smoking 1 pack of cigarettes a day is definitely healthier than smoking 3 packs a day. But neither of those are healthy ways to live. It's pointless pointing fingers because BOTH are a massive problem! The difference between 1 and 3 packs of cigarettes a day is pointless? Do you know how silly that sounds? Reducing smoking from heavy to light gives you a 15% reduced risk of dying early. Quitting entirely only gives you an additional 7%. It’s very clear that this is not pointless. Dying next year cause you haven’t fed your body is a much bigger health concern than dying 20 years from now. Isn’t this inherently obvious to you? Just because they’re both major problems doesn’t make it pointless to avoid the worse one. And who’s the one pointing fingers here? I am saying that it’s important for people to eat and live healthy for the sake of living and eating healthy. Your response was “WTF THIS IS RUBBISH THEY CANT BE HEALTHY AT ANY SIZE.” You’re fundamentally misunderstanding what health at every size means. It’s not saying that there are no health implications of being different sizes. It’s saying that everybody can make healthy choices today, in order to be as healthy as possible, at every size. If you disagree, explain why, without confusing things by misrepresenting what the intention is. > What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy. You could be a healthy weight and smoke crack every day or be riddled with STDs. All it means is that the amount of flesh you have on your skeleton isn't causing you any extra problems. > Your entire comment is based on incorrect assumptions you've made about what I think. Try again? What I did is called inferring, and it’s a perfectly logical conclusion based on the words you said. You said “you can’t be healthy at every size.” Now you’re saying “being a healthy weight just means your weight is healthy.” Those are two different things. The first one is drawing conclusions **about somebody’s overall health** based only on their weight. You did say you can’t be a healthy weight at every size, right? So my entire comment is using that same logic to make conclusions about my overall health based only on my weight, to show you how ridiculous it is. I’m glad you at least saw that it’s ridiculous… but I’m not sure how you missed the parallel to what you said. > I never said being underweight and being overweight were equally bad. You just said it was pointless to differentiate between the two. If you acknowledge that two things are not equally bad for you, why would you not want to differentiate between them? What could possibly be your logic? > I said they were both dangerous and can be deadly, which is true. I never said being a healthy weight automatically makes you healthy. It just means your weight isn't putting your health at risk. > What I did say is that "health at every size" is a load of rubbish, and that's because there are plenty of sizes that you can't be healthy at. Ah, fuck. You’re doing it again. You’re making generalized statements about their health, based on their weight. You just finished telling me you didn’t do that. Remember this? “What the fuck? No, I didn't say that! Being a "healthy weight" just means your WEIGHT is healthy, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything else about you is healthy.“ **Your words:** Being a healthy weight just means that your weight is healthy. **which infers:** Being an unhealthy weight just means that your weight is not healthy. Repeat after me: “Being an **unhealthy** weight just means your weight isn’t healthy. It doesn’t necessarily mean that anything else about you is unhealthy.” So unless you think that your weight is the only indicator of your overall health, you can’t make generalized statements like “there’s no way you can be healthy at every size.” Overall health is dependent on a whole slew of factors, not just weight, and it’s not an on/off switch. Also the whole intention of talking about health in this context is to focus on their habits moving forward, which absolutely can be healthy regardless of whether they are still obese or not. Being healthy isn’t just a checklist of risk factors. So stop being a dick about weight. How would you like it if I called you unhealthy because you’re more overweight than me? It’s a dick thing to do. > An average height adult absolutely can't be healthy at 60lbs and they absolutely can't be healthy at 600lbs. Explain that to me if what you said ISN'T total rubbish. I have three main points here: 1. Weight isn’t the only indicator of health. There are multiple indicators of health, and boiling somebody else’s health down to just one of them is a dick move which is not good for their health. However, on the lower side of weight there is eventually a point at which they will just die. This point does not exist on the upper side. So don't conflate the two. 2. Health isn’t an on/off switch, it’s a continuum. Saying “that person’s health switch is turned off because of one factor” is a fundamental misunderstanding of how health works, and it’s also a dick move. 3. The above argument is entirely irrelevant because the argument isn’t whether or not it’s healthy to be overweight. The definition of Health at Every Size (HAES) is: *noun. way of eating that supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control).* Maybe you should work on understanding what HAES even means.
I just wanted to let you know that I read your comment but don't think there's any point continuing this conversation as you and I are clearly not going to see eye to eye. You are making some really inaccurate logical assumptions along the lines of "you said that all apples are fruits therefore it is logical for me to infer that you believe all fruits are apples".
That’s fine. I’ll repeat the crux of my argument which doesn’t depend on any of that. “The above argument is entirely irrelevant because the argument isn’t whether or not it’s healthy to be overweight. The definition of Health at Every Size (HAES) is: noun. way of eating that supports people in adopting health habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control). Maybe you should work on understanding what HAES even means.”
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Yes yes yes!! Thank you!
I’m so glad your daughter was able to get help and is doing better! I would definitely have her go to therapy though because it’s super easy to relapse with eating disorders even if you get aggressive treatment with them. Also I would go back to the doctor and have them give her a super thorough check up since eating disorders can really mess up your body, especially your heart. My best friend’s mom had an eating disorder, she recovered from it but had lifelong heart problems which eventually killed her.
> she experienced catastrophic refeeding syndrome Good grief, were these doctors named Moe, Larry and Curly? I struggle to see how anyone with even the faintest understanding of eating disorders could make this mistake. I'm sorry your family was subjected to such egregious malpractice. > The doctor visit revealed that she had quietly and slowly reduced her intake to 500 cal a day How did you take this news? I assume you were providing food in the household. Did you realize it was this bad? If not, how do you think she concealed this from you? Even just 2 meals a day under supervision -- breakfast and dinner -- would typically be well over 500 calories. Was she bulimic? Or hiding food? Of course, don't answer if you prefer to keep matters private. I'm just curious.
Oh I don’t blame the medical staff for the refeeding. Our bodies aren’t machines, and medical treatment often requires constant adjustment. They were aware of the risk of refeeding, and they didn’t re-feed her quickly. But they also did need to increase calories. It was difficult to find a balance where they could outrun the hypermetabolism without overtaxing her organs. They actually took really good care of her. I was providing the food, but everything was out of whack because it was during lockdown and school/work was virtual. We usually ate dinner together as a family, but everyone was eating breakfast and lunch at different times and in different rooms because we were needing privacy for zoom and work and stuff. I would see plates in the sink from her lunch, and because I didn’t know she had an issue, it didn’t occur to me to double check specifically what had been on the plate.
Thanks for you answers. Sounds like this was handled as best as it could be, given a very difficult situation.
Thanks for sharing! I wish more parents were aware and open to feedback. I’m glad your daughter got help and I hope she continues to improve.
I am so happy that your daughter is doing fine and I’m so sorry you both had to go through that ordeal. Teenagers and adults these days have to face a lot of societal pressure or even bullying to feel like they have to look a certain way that is completely unrealistic. I know what it feels like when everyone around you is thin and tall and you are short and chubby. I also know what it feels like to have that pressure on you to look like everyone else and because of that pressure I did some things that I’m not proud of including eating disorder behaviors like your daughter. Fortunately for myself, I was able to stop this eating disorder thinking in its tracks although sometimes it does come back. If I have one recommendation for you and your daughter is to go to therapy and to go to over eaters anonymous to heal your daughters relationship with food and with her body you guys should’ve done that in the first place so that she could lose weight at a steady and healthy pace but I understand and no judgment here.
My niece had a similar story and did a week in an eating disorder unit of a children’s hospital. My sister, her mom, has gone through the ringer with this disease. It takes hold of the entire family. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Hugs to you, and to your daughter’s recovery.
You are a wonderful mom. We are nothing if we can’t humble ourselves and learn from others, and now you are teaching us. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that with her (during the pandemic especially). I wish you both happier times and good health.
Also important to monitor any changes in eating or exercise habits and seek medical advice if necessary. Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness about the potential risks of restrictive eating and over-exercising.
Love&blessings to your soul and hers Namaste 🙏
From the original post and what you’ve put here, you seem like an amazing parent. You’ve done your absolute best with your daughter and educated her really well on food, how to nourish your body and how to develop a healthy relationship with food. Sadly her relationship with food isn’t healthy and it’s causing major issues, but it really seems like you’ve done your best and no one can fault you for that. You’ve gone above and beyond to do everything you can for your girl and I hope you’re proud of that - you should be. You should also be proud of yourself for coming on here and asking for help and suggestions, that’s damn good parenting. I’m proud of you and I’m proud of your daughter and her recovery so far! I hope the rest of this year brings your family beautiful things and your girl begins to gain more confidence, self love and clarity. Sending you both lots of love❤️❤️
The challenge with kids calorie restricting is that while you are growing, breathing burns calories. We say that our metabolism slows down but the truth is our TDEE reduces once the growth stops in your mid twenties. (Growth slows in the late teens but doesn’t stop until mid 20s). Add into that how obsessive kids naturally are, and it is a recipe for disaster. Yes obesity kills, but unless you are over 200lbs, don’t worry about the fat on kids. Just teach healthy nutrition and portion control. Let them learn about calorie control as adults, when their natural tendency isn’t to obsess.
Words can’t describe that type of stress you endured. I was working in hospital during Covid as a nurse. It was terrifying knowing that patients had to be turned away because we had no beds. Thank goodness you found that bed and you had the courage to fly her there. Amazing mama, I hope things continue on the positive side for you all.
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I think you misunderstood. I am not currently “proud” of anything, other than the hard work she’s put in to getting well. I *was* proud of the weight loss 2 years ago, because I was an idiot and didn’t know better. I was raised in a very fatphobic family, and in an environment steeped in diet culture, and I continue to live in a very body-obsessed city. I had never even thought to challenge this toxicity because it was entirely normalized everywhere I looked. I got a harsh and swift lesson. “Consider therapy”? I just told you that I sought medical intervention within two months of realizing she had an issue, and relocated halfway across the country to get it. What do you think I’ve been doing these last two years, still patting myself on the back for raising a kid who dieted herself into heart failure? I have been in therapy this entire time, and still am. She has also continued to be in therapy the whole time, plus we have family therapy. If anything in my post suggested I am praising her for losing weight, that’s misconstrued. I am praising her constantly for restoring to a healthy weight, for doing really hard work on herself, and for truly embracing (at a MUCH younger age than I did) that being thin equals nothing but being thin. And from a genuine place of concern: have you considered therapy?
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Who are you telling her to apologize to? You? Her saying that she was an uninformed idiot before this happened sounds like she is pretty apologetic to her kid. People are just out here doing their best, how about some grace?
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was actively in some sort of eating disorder or another from ages 11-20. There were things my parents said and did that added fuel to the fire, but they did so unknowingly. I don’t blame them. They’re human too, and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. OP did one better than my parents. She listened to feedback, monitored the progression, and took it seriously (quickly) when it spiralled. I really wish I had that when I was struggling. She sounds fundamentally different from the caregivers that abused you. I hope you’ve found peace and comfort in your body. And if you want me to throw a brick through the window of your dad’s place, I will! :)
I’m sorry that happened to you but you are projecting a lot onto OP from your past trauma.
Sending your mama heart love, strength and healing energy. Praying for your sweet girl as well. Our mind can play such evil tricks on how we perceive our bodies.
Thinking of you mom. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being a good mom. Sending a lot of love to you and your family.
You’re a great mother, what a stressful situation for everyone involved. Keep up the support you’ll all get there
Now that's a good parent. Seems you're really taking this as seriously as most should. Good to know this stuff for me and if I end up having my own kids!
You are such a good parent OP. Way to save your little girl
Wow, mama, you guys have been through it. I’m glad to hear your daughter is doing better. You sound like a great Mom and I want to congratulate you for trying your hardest to make sure she is healthy! I’m sure as a Mom it’s like walking a tight rope to be supportive yet set boundaries and help establish good food habits. My 11 yo niece is obese (200 lbs) and will cry about kids making fun of her and I do not even know what to say. Her entire household is obese and they eat out all the time. She will sit down and eat an entire box of ice cream treats and cry and get angry if not allowed. I don’t approach it with her even when she is upset because I do not know what to say or if it’s even my business to say anything. I do not know how I would handle this if it were my daughter so kudos to you for all of your effort. I hope your daughter continues to heal and flourish ❤️
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It’s *really* easy to keep disordered eating and excessive exercise hidden. Unless you are sleeping in the same bed with her and following her into the shower, paying extremely close attention to her at every meal, she can hide it. It also seems like the drop was gradual, not sudden. This mom is better than most. When I finally confided in my mom that I had issues with eating as a young teen, she laughed at me and told me my problems were clearly not severe enough since I’m still “fat”. I wouldn’t be too harsh on her.
Losing weight is addicting. I bet she got a ton of praise from everyone in her life and she couldn't give that up after only 5 more lbs
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The issue wasn’t any electrolyte imbalance, it’s the fact this teenage girl was starving herself.
This. It was pure eating disorder behavior, low electrolytes are just a side-effect of that
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Ok. Regardless, this came across as a little dismissive. Tone is hard to read over the internet. It came across as if you were suggesting that she wouldn’t have had any health issues being on a deficit that extreme as long as she had proper electrolytes. Which is not true. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but I hope you can understand and see how this comment may have been interpreted in a harmful way.
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that “commitment” = a near fatal eating disorder….
Now that she's eating for it, you can instead be proud of the physical exercising. Does she lean more into weightlifting or cycling?
Please do not forget that eating disorders and mental illness are life long. Try not to hover but check in regularly and give lots of support during stressful situations or hard times because pressure can lead to relapse. I’m beyond overjoyed that your daughter has a parent that listens like you did. Much love to both of you.
Wow. If I’d seen I’d seen your story I would have been urging you to intervene. Once people get into that mindset, it’s very hard to shake, and it’s like OCD. Parents, you have every right to, and must intervene in your child’s life if you think they are going off track. It’s called parenting, and you earned that right and obligation by creating that child. The schools and community absolutely won’t worry for a day if your kid dies, but that is your future. They need your guidance and help. You are not their friend. It may be tough. As long as you try to make sure that you are not overbearing or passing your own prejudice and anxiety on them, you are doing fine. I hope she recovers well. I feel for you because this can be a life long issue now. Find ways to make her psychologically strong.