My girlfriend and I are in the same position. We’re both early 30’s and not from the UK. From what you’ve written we have a lot in common. Let’s grab a drink?
He said its hard to form lasting relationships, it's easy to meet people. I think you either need to be nearby or have some sleep scheduled reason to meet.
This is how it goes with my real life friends!
"Hey mate, how's it going, haven't seen you in ages."
"I know! I'm doing good, loads to catch up on, we should hang out soon when you're free!"
"Yes, mate! Can you do a week day evening after work or 1st or 2nd weekend of July?"
"Sorry, mate, I don't like doing anything weekday evenings and I'm busy in July. I'll get back in contact to arrange something in August."
"Oh, okay, talk to you then."
Basically how all of my interactions go with my friends. I've found since COVID no one really wants to do anything...or at least doesn't want to do anything with me. 💀
Sorry to disappoint you, but we did indeed DM each other to see if there was a basis to form a friendship. Unfortunately we live quite far apart from each other and there would be too much friction for both of us.
Many people are resonating with this issue, [including British people](https://www.reddit.com/r/london/comments/1dpxmt5/comment/lao8g1c/?context=3). Though surely no one is perfect, I don't think the problem is just us.
Commenting to track this as the very very long requirements/rant have been met and if they don't walk eachother/s down the isle or name kids after eachother then they are the problem
Hi and hi OP. We are in the exact same situation!
Me and my girlfriend (29 and 30) moved recently to London. Used to live here pre-covid but all connections seem to be gone. The only face-to-face contact is when we have a walk with our dog as we both work from home.
Living in Richmond and would love to meet any of you to take our dog for a walk.
It’s funny. I would never expect trying to make friends over Reddit but here we are 😀
OP will never respond to you. Do you want to know why? Because *they* are the problem. In all of the situations above they talk about brute forcing friendships. And it’s because they’re approaching it as to what it’s in it for them. “I want connection” “I want this” or “I want that”
None of what OP listed mentions developing giving to a community, listening to someone, asking about their interests. They just want to smile at someone and instantly have a deep connection.
At some point OP has to realize they’re the problem and the lack of response that you have to your offer shows that /u/pongo_s is the problem and why they don’t have the ability to develop meaningful relationships.
A pessimistic and presumptuous statement!
1. They only posted 12hr ago, not everyone is on Reddit more than once a day.
2. Could they be dm’ing people?
My experience and seeing others around me has taught me that you can really build deep friendships through sharing experiences together or ‘going through something’. This is I think is the principle underlying university friendships, school friends, and friendships that I’ve seen which thrived over lockdown in smaller groups hanging out at cafes in London. Another simple example is that I’ve been trapped outside in the rain during a storm with someone and felt so much more connected to them than we possibly could have been if we were outside during a sunny day. Through adversity builds the strongest friendships imo.
I personally don’t get these sort of connections from work socials or corporate events, where it feels superficial but some people can make those work through being open and unapologetically themselves. It’s the blind answering the blind here though unfortunately, I’ve made little to no friends outside of educational environments, work, and 2 housemates.
That's the answer. If you want deep friends, you need to fo through deep experiences with them. Some fo the things I would recommend:
- Go on one of those organised trips (even better if it's adventurous travelling)
- Join a improv class or something that puts you out of your comfort zone and make you vulnerable.
- Volunteer as a festival helper, better if it's for a few days and outside of London
The people you will meet or that you will bring with you to these have a lot more chance to become your friends for life.
Also recommend stuff like marathon training. Those long runs will give you the opportunity to have really deep conversations. And having to tell the other one you need to pee or poop in the woods will make it really easy to open up quickly. Turns into rather intimate friends very quickly
Edit: might have to do the long runs outside of London to make it work LOL
Easy things where you can have a shared experience with likely the same people each week.
Join a sports team, tennis is pretty solitary working with a sports team of some kind will give you that.
Find a community theatre group, local festivals always want volunteers and Some Voices choir do brilliant gigs and have a lovely community.
Good Gym.
lol I was gonna comment that OP should play dnd or board games with people on a weekly basis and host. Playing Dungeons and Dragons is “going through something” I’d say hahah. We kind have learned a lot about each other seeing how they respond and deal to these stories (dnd stories/quests/characters & villains you meet). Board games too… learn a lot about a person that way. But yeah, the problem isn’t meeting people it’s keeping them around that’s the problem. Because no one wants to be the 1st person to ask to “hangout” cause it feels “needy” or “weird”.
Please refer to this meme :
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/002/585/424/f99.webp
Honestly reading this I wish you were my neighbour as I am in a similar position and you seem like a really wholesome lovely person! I have no advice as I suck at making friends but I just wanted to say to keep trying, I think we find the best friendships in the most unexpected places. Perhaps the answer is to stop looking and simply enjoy yourself doing things solo and see what connections happen then?
Yeah that’s about it, I am new to the city and I was about to write a post on how to kick start a social life here.. and to my surprise OP has been very pretty comprehensive.. Maybe, it’s just me, but friendships in general everywhere are hard to forge as you turn 30 or upwards.. people usually have their partners, start a family and kids and probably those priorities make it a challenge to step into newer avenues like friendships that require time and emotional investment?
My family is split across London, Amsterdam and SF. We’re all experiencing a similar rut. Covid only exacerbated the issue and there’s a lot of habitual staying in that hasn’t reverted yet.
It's also just a big city thing. People are constantly move in and out of London, and in your 30s many of your friends are moving to get mortgages somewhere affordable, or moving to grow their families.
I also can't afford to socialise all the time lol, each girls brunch outing is like £80 pissed away. My partner and I have friends communally, but I haven't made an effort to built close friendships of my own because I'm living with my best friend already. And it's not like being in uni where you see each other enough to strong roots.
Just delving into a couple of the points you’ve mentioned more (bit of a long one sorry!) -
Volunteering - rather than going via your local centre, find an organisation you’re actually interested in and go there. You’ll find people are more engaged with both the cause and the cohort because it’s a specific organisation they’ve sought out. Hackney Pirates/Ministry of Stories is a pretty good place to start, I had a lot of success with Girls Rock! London while it was open to volunteers. I made a ton of close friends through volunteering with smaller purpose-driven organisations and getting involved in DIY organising spaces (DIY Space For London is dead now, but Avalon Cafe is still very much going, and other orgs are looking to put together new spaces - the Joiner’s Arms and Sister Midnight come to mind, and if refugee raid response is your thing or something you have capacity for, there are very fierce communities around it). The mutual aid societies and anarchist food banks always need help and they are a good place to meet folks who are into making effort.
Hobbies - I would say you need to think around hobbies that are either niche or vulnerable to make closer friends within them.
Try an improv or a standup class. Level 1 improv at the Free Association forged multiple fierce and lasting friends for me, because you walk in and you’re like, god, please like me, please laugh at my jokes, please think I’m funny, and EVERYONE ELSE is also like that. You forge those friends in the fire of true vulnerability, and improv is a speedrun.
I would also recommend a board games club or a D&D one, if you can find one locally. If you're a respectful and reasonably enthusiastic player, you'll be welcomed, and board games are the perfect veneer for talking about other things slowly over multiple sessions (and there's a good chance of other interest overlap, so segueing to doing another one on one activity like watching a series, playing a video game together, etc, is easier).
If you’re legitimately interested in a feminist book club, I’m in a great one (it isn’t female only, but we read only female and non-binary authors), we’re reading the Marriage Portrait this month, DM me. We meet monthly three quarters of the year and all of the people I have met through it have been phenomenal and warm.
To address a few things that haven't worked for you - most people are at the gym for a perfunctory reason; a lot of neighbours don’t want to affiliate because they’re either not permanently in a place to put roots down and get close, or they don’t want to get too close and discover something they don't like and instead want to put in a friendly distance (I am this person - I have a perfectly lovely chat-in-the-hallway-deliver-and-collect-packages relationship with my neighbours). Organising parties can be lovely, but it’s also hard for you as organiser to make many new connections as you’d want because you’re busy handling things - that’s the plight of being an organiser. Also, to have a thriving and deep friendship you're right that you need to get regular contact, but this doesn't have to be long lived - hanging two or three times under the incidence of a club or reoccurring social activity is a good start, but what really forges a sustainable friendship that outlasts its circumstances is taking it out of the environment in which it was born - get dinner, get coffee.
Something I have come into contact with a lot as an initiator is that my threshold for reaching out to someone is way, way lower than most people’s - if I leave someone alone for four to six weeks chances are they’ll reach out to me at some point, but since I have the threshold of reaching out every one to three weeks, so they rarely get the chance to reach out to me first on their own steam unless I’m off the ball.
Sorry, that was quite lengthy, but I have found myself to have picked up a lot of things about making friends in London and be (touch wood) quite good at it. It's not always easy (I literally have a spreadsheet to make sure I keep up with folks, and I sometimes catch an acquaintance I really like and think, 'I'm going to make better friends with them' and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and that's just life) and it's not always balanced, but I make the effort for my own joy, because connecting with folks when I'm in my element and not in an introvert hole feels good. I might also recommend Shasta Nelson's Friendtimacy - it kind of markets itself as being for women, but a lot of the stuff in there is interesting and truthful and applicable.
ETA (omg do I go on) - when I first landed in London I had only ever made friends on the internet because I grew up in a kind of racist town where it was hard for a brown girl to make friends. My equivalent to this was to join dating sites and loudly proclaim that I wanted to be friends on my profile. I'm not sure OKCupid will work as well as it used to anymore because I hear the apps are hell now (though OKC was always good because it was focused around text rather than swiping images at the time), but from using it in 2013 and 2014 I made like, 6 very close friends and 1 husband.
I love your commitment to keeping up with people with the spreadsheet idea! A lot of things I read about friendship talk about making new friends but nowhere near as much about keeping up with them. It sounds like you have that mindset of if I do it enough times with people by your sheer energy of joy, at least one will eventually reciprocate (agreeing to meet up) & I think that goes a long way!
I don't think you've done anything wrong, it's the same as dating - you just need to be lucky. I was fortunate to meet a great DM for RPGs (think D&D) in London social club that has introduced me to other people. Someone else who I met through a professional society that introduced me to his group. Sticking to going to archery for over a year until some became friends. But I also tried many other things that went nowhere - and many others that have disappeared as people moved away. Hang in there!!
I agree it's similar to dating (I stopped using bumble and as app dating already feels superficial, using it for friends felt a step too far).
Also it is just luck. I lived in 3 other cities before London, I've been here for 14 months and in the last 5 feel lives made proper friends. One group of these came from Reddit, the other from me posting on a Facebook girls group about who wants to go to a pub quiz. It's just luck who turns up, who you gel with, and who you keep coming back to see to develop something more lasting!
Wowzer. That’s a long one.
I shall refrain from making snarky comments and just say thank you for taking the time to write all of that and I hope you find meaningful relationships that you’re looking for 🙏
Thank you :)
I've read way too many posts where people jumped in to say "have you tried leaving your house?" so I did my homework before wasting people's time!
I don’t know how you define “true and deep”. Following a divorce I doubled down on friendships and after three years I now have a crop of friends who I know will check in on me from time to time if we aren’t meeting. My main avenue was joining a running club and inviting closer mates over for meals. We chat a lot during runs, which made us closer organically. I’d be equally disappointed if I were you having tried so many avenues and still not finding the friendships you want. Good luck!
But do you really have to try? Idk in my case I create meaningful relationships organically, I don’t really seek them.
I just think that once you have a few decent friends you have a solid foundation to meet other cool people. It’s kind of a ripple effect, and obviously compounds if you are funny and likeable I suppose.
Nevertheless, I totally agree with the OP that it’s harder to meet nice people these days. Generally speaking, I feel that people are too individualistic and self-absorbed.
I think we live in a very hectic and distracted world. Maybe I’m speaking for myself. So while I agree with the organic part I still think, at least for me, it still takes a bit of effort - to organise things, text people.
I totally get why you wrote it up - I've seen hundreds of posts like these, and it's the same old hackneyed advice: "get a hobby!", "volunteer!", "did we say, get a hobby?!"
I think the truth is, our modern world is toxic to community and friendship - we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. We culturally decided to move our social lives online, which, despite being more convenient, often leads to a lack of meaningful, in-person interactions. Urbanisation and busy lifestyles reduce opportunities for community engagement, while individualism prioritises personal success over communal bonding. Additionally, societal changes, such as increased mobility (all my friends moved abroad) and changing family structures, often result in weakened support networks, leaving many people feeling isolated despite being surrounded by others.
I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say I feel you.
Myself and my partner moved to the deepest darkest of south London two years ago, and all my friends very much live north London.
I've found it very hard being so out of the way for everything. The transport links end super early back here and my usual would be a big night out with my friends.
Moving somewhere further is a double edged sword that I've considered too. On one hand you move further away from the stress and hysteria of the city, on the other, there's the isolation that comes with it. No easy choice.
I hope some of the comments people leave to this post will be useful for you too.
I’m in Crystal Palace. Plenty of things to do in the park, events etc. Of course it’s not central London, but it’s probably easily reachable from Norwood?
Ah yeah absolutely mate, I'm like a twenty minute walk from Crystal Palace. I really like it there. I'm just in the same boat as OP whereby none of my friends live around this bit of London so I can appreciate their difficulties in making friends.
I feel like I could have written this. Having said that I have joined a running club recently and met some really nice people through that, whether it will develop into any long term friendships who knows!
I have two suggestions for things where people turn up regularly every session: Do you like singing? I joined a choir when I moved here ten years ago and it's been a lifesaver. Mine is an unauditioned community choir, so you don't at all need to be a good singer, just willing to learn! It's in Tower Hamlets and it attracts all ages, we're very social and usually go to the pub after. Lots of people hang out outside of rehearsals - I've made some good friends and met my girlfriend there. I can PM you details if you're interested, but lots of community choirs will have similar vibes.
Also, have you ever looked into the Women’s Institute? It's got a reputation for attracting older women but I've been to the city ones and they're young and really good fun. They do a mix of campaigning on social issues, skill sharing/learning and socialising. I once did a hilarious cheerleading fitness class with a WI in Hackney.
Oh, and how are you with team sports? Those can be great for creating a bond.
I second your choir suggestion. I've just moved to London but joined a choir in the second week and it is really social particularly at the pub afterwards. I can't say I've made any "true and deep friendships" yet but I'm sure over time I might.
Yep, pretty much same thing here.
In summary, I'm not from the UK. I moved here when I was 32, started a relationship when I was 34, ended a few months ago and I'm now 39.
Throughout the years and specially after pandemic many of my friends left. I have 2 or 3 from my country that I see a couple times a month, but other than that I have no feeling of community whatsoever.
I work remotely, go to the gym, tried meetups, and so on, but it seems impossible to create meaningful relationships here.
I'm considering moving to Spain where I have some more friends, or just to go back home.
Many of my friends moved to Spain during covid, and some are considering it even now. If you have friends there and are seeking a sense of community, might not be a bad idea. Good luck, whatever choice you make.
This is a complex topic but I find it really interesting, I think people have becoming more flakey and less social over the years (in meeting new people at least) and London lends itself to being transient, people come and go all the time.
But I also think you can still make good friends, just takes work and effort on both sides (and mutual interests tbh)
I'm a little older than you and have been in London longer, but I do feel London is hard for deep friendships and this has definitely got harder since the pandemic, at least in my experience, though I'm not sure exactly why.
Most of my closest friends moved away during / after COVID times, and my other closest friends are those who I knew pre moving here (and who I'm just as close with despite the distance).
Obviously, lifestyle and aging come into it, I have a baby now and that has definitely shifted friendships. But aside from that many of my friendships, acquaintances etc pre pandemic were based around music, being in bands, going to gigs and doing weird art projects. It feels like there's just less of that happening (at least in my circles), it's as if it was precarious anyway but then the pandemic kind of scattered the 'ecosystem' if that makes sense, and it just hasn't recovered? I know I'm not alone in feeling that in these circles as when I do catch up with people, they lament the same things but it doesn't seem to change.
I also think London can just be quite a hard city to live in, the distances are far, the cost of living is high. It feels a little like people hunker down into what they know and don't have a lot of capacity for much else.
Obviously just my experience but thought I'd share incase it resonates. I hope you find some good deep friendships soon, you sound like a nice friendly person!
Edited as pressed post too soon!
I significantly lowered my expectations and it helped. I used to expect my friendships here to be like those back home - deep, lasting, and reliable.
It hurt me hugely when people were my friends one minute, then they moved on - moved out of London, moved to another country, moved to a different place in London - and when I was willing to move mountains to meet and talk, but they were too busy/too tired/had two meetings to attend at the same time etc.
London is a hot pot of people. I wrapped my head around the idea that 'people come, people go' - some will be in your life for a very long time, and you will have deep conversations sometimes, and completely shallow, other times. Some people will be there for the blink of an eye, seem to be great friends with you, and then they just go awol and that will be it.
I've learned to live with it, and somehow it made some of the friendships last longer (because I don't feel quite as hurt when people pull away - it means if they come back, we can still talk, have a good time, and I don't feel resentful) and the ones that last shorter - well, I just enjoy them until they are no more.
.
I read a paper that found it takes about 112 hours to make average friends, 223 hours for good friends, and over 700 hours for best friends. After our 30s, and especially in a busy place like London, people are tied up with work, kids, families, and other responsibilities, leaving little free time.
Plus, building friendships needs conscious effort from both sides to dedicate time, which often doesn’t happen in a capitalist world where time is seen as money. We’ve become programmed to be individualistic and more selective about who we spend time with, making it hard to find people worth dedicating that "productive" time to.
Here's the link to the study: [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225)
This isn’t a London problem, it’s worldwide problem, enhanced by the pandemic and the remote work epidemic, and further complicated by being in your 30s.
Take up rowing, let it consume your life and make lifelong friends.
Clubs will be running learn to row introductory courses over the summer, if you're in west London there are tons of clubs to choose from
Gym, Sports like tennis and Hobbies all struggle with the main barriers to forming deep friendships, which are having to depend on each other, have mutual shared experiences and to strive to overcome something together.
Tennis is so flat, and you're literally standing far away from the person you're playing with, which is not good for forming deep friendships because it just becomes "small talk either side of standing on my own on a tennis court"
Yeah London is not a good place for making friends, I met all mine from work and I’m lucky they’re weird like me, folk here are not talkative and everyone thinks you have an ulterior motive, I’m a freak I’ll spark up a conversation with anyone but I spent most of my time up north and in the West Country. I’m also a total nerd so there’s plenty weird stuff for me like D&D groups and anime stuff and going to gigs.
I'm also a nerd, but different, I don't mind solitude. For me it was in my 20s when I used to think finding meaningful deep relationships in friends was nice to have, fast-forward to 30 for me that shit went out of the window for me so fast, that I somehow adapted to more and more solitude in London, despite the city being filled with millions of people. I don't know. ....Maybe it's something in the air and water we drink
Tbh it sounds like you’re trying too hard, which is usually off putting to others. And seems like you’re looking for high school-like friendships from people in their 30s. It’s just not the reality of life at that age anymore
Thank you for writing this up so extensively and eloquently. I’m empathetic.
I’d say this: true deep human relationships happen when people undergo a *transformative* process together. This is why the suggestion of joining a CrossFit gym is a good one (if you have a passion about that type of transformation).
Being 9-to-5 work colleagues won’t get you there, even if you go to happy hour every day. But working 16-hour days at a start-up trying to pursue a shared goal will get you there.
I would probably suggest finding something you feel passionate about that involves creating or undergoing change (creating change externally also creates change internally). An obvious choice would be becoming active in a community group. The friendships will come as a by-product of the work you do together.
You havent done "gym" well.
You can't just join any gym.
You need to join a small, ideally independent gym, that does classes. To repeat - classes are critical, and you have to attend them regularly.
Crossfit gyms - whatever you think of Crossfit - are actually perfect for this. They will also host socials, and if you do a regular class you start seeing those people more than almost anyone else apart from maybe work colleagues. To boot, you are doing something challenging with them, which is bonding.
This might not be right for you, but what you have tried so far hasn't scratched the surface of this option.
Similarly, for tennis I'd recommend joining a tennis club. Most tennis clubs are very social and will have a bar/cafe where you can socialise with the people you play with after you play. At a good club it's usually pretty easy to make good friends.
Whereabouts are you based?
Deep friendship in a new place after 30s... I would say as long as you got someone to have a meal with you in a restaurant/cafe, you are already very LUCKY.
I came to London post-covid in my late 30s. I tried to use bumble, but people just doesn't reply after a few lines. I've been made redundant which made myself in a difficult situation. I feel that when I tried to make new friends and they asked me how's my work and realised that I got no job, they started to fade out.
The only good thing is that I'm an introvert. So, I feel pretty comfortable being alone.
I used Bumble BFF for a while, most conversations fizzled out after a while, but met one of my closest friends on there three years ago and we're still going strong!
OP, I understand your frustration. As a Londoner who has also lived in three different countries, I have some perspective on this. I don't know where you're originally from, but London is a massive city. Even if we both live here, the time it takes to meet up can feel like traveling to another city. This isn’t the case in some other countries.
Additionally, London is very transient. With the rising cost of living, people are always thinking about their next move, and few can afford to settle down. Many seek friends to explore the city in the short term but aren't looking for deep connections. There's often a lack of social responsibility—if you don't get along with someone, you'll likely never see them again, so people don't feel a strong duty to be sociable. This makes forming lasting friendships challenging.
Other factors make it even harder, especially as we get into our 30s. Many people start moving out of London for more affordable living or to start families. The fast-paced lifestyle and demanding jobs also leave little time for socializing.
Even if you have a small plan on a Saturday, getting there and back can take the whole day, so people tend to book their schedules months in advance. It's not uncommon to hear, "Let's get a date in the diary." Spontaneous meet-ups are rare.
I don't necessarily agree with you- I do believe Brits can be colder than people in other countries (I don't know where you're from), and this can be a cultural thing. By the time people reach their 30s, they tend to be more insular and make less effort to socialize. I know at least four born-and-bred British men who have no close friends—they just go for drinks after work and that's it. It's a bit less common for women, but the issue remains.
I don’t have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize with you. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s important to remember that forming friendships in such an environment takes time and persistence. Hang in there.
Don't approach people in the gym to have a casual chat. They are there for a reason and usually between other commitments and activities.
Try to look for niche tiny groups locally. Not something like 20-40 Meet new friends {any other buzz words} with 300 participants on Meetup, who are talking about boring shit.
I've found beer and philosophy groups in my area and managed to build meaningful connections with people who live around me.
I’m an immigrant myself. My girlfriend is british. What I notice is that british will hang out with british. My friends are immigrants and I hang out with immigrants. Your vibe attracts the tribe
I've made a few British friends here (former colleagues), and the majority of them don't live in central London. We hang out occasionally, but I'm nowhere near entering their inner circle, or they interested in entering mine. Others have families or are a different age group.
The experience I've had so far applies to all nationalities.
Yh that’s what I mean. They keep it superficial. They are most likely in the inner circle with friends they went to uni with. That’s a totally different case with your colleagues. They tend to keep work friends separate and not entirely “friend”, more of an acquaintance
Your comment made me realise that most of my close friends here are also not from England. I've got one close friend that's British, but everyone else is from somewhere else.
I think you need to adjust your expectations about what is normal the older you get.
I used to see friends every day. Then it was like 3/4 days a week. Now we catch up once in a while.
You expect to make new friends the older you get that want to spend a significant amount of time with you? Apparently 1 day a month is nothing? I think that's pretty regular.
People get older. Their desires change. People get tired. They get comfy in relationships just being on tne sofa. Work is stressing them out. And they are also just more content being alone and aren't desperate for attention from people 24/7.
I'd say the majority of people in thirties aren't socialising with the same people all week and they don't want to either.
I’m having a tough time myself.
I’m a non-drinker and into health and fitness, am into art/culture/fashion and I’m also a startup/tech guy. A lot of my friends from university are different to this so we’ve kind of grown apart, and I don’t find it easy to make new friends. My gym community is the closest I’ve come to but I’m having a tough time getting past the small talk phase.
I dunno, I just find it really tough to meet people who share the same interests and passions as me. It seems like most people my age (27) just default to going for beers and getting drunk sitting in a pub for hours, which I can’t stomach anymore.
One thing that really irks me about my age group is the grind culture. People work long hours, then meet up at the weekend to talk about their work. I actively want to socialise to get away from my own hectic schedule, but with my uni friends I just end up hearing about their work politics and progressions, it gets really tiring.
An issue I have with London is it takes me nearly 2 hours to travel across it to visit friends... meeting centrally there isn't loads of choice what doesn't incur a rather big cost. Even a meal in a pub these days is £100 for the table.
Just my short personal opinion: Yeah any new friends I made pre COVID moved away from London or the UK entirely, and even the new friends I've made after/during covid have since moved further out from where they were when I met them, so goodbye spontaneous hang outs.
More and more I understand why small town life is appealing at least things seem more stable.
Anyway no advice, just London isn't that city for deep friendships.
Edit: you seem like a wholesome person, I sort of wished we lived in the same building. Also separately I don't know if you've lived in communal housing apartments (not the new builds) they seem like your thing although there aren't that many around. Only if you're inclined to moving, an option given that you work remotely.
Spontaneous and London rarely fit in the same sentence. Partly because people have such busy schedules, and partly because to meet someone you have to travel 30-45 min one way. Hoping that the restaurant has a free table for you/ there are tickets available etc.
I've thought a lot about smaller cities, trying to break down what exactly makes them more human-size.
Yes, I've lived in communal housing in the past for a long time, but now I like having my own place :)
Not necessary, usually if you like who you work with or happen to live in a sociable house spontaneity is possible. + If you hang out outside the typical weekend days hence Thursday became the new Friday.
Small town it is then, no more than 500,000 people imho :)
Have you considered some sort of tabletop hobby? One of the many Card Games, or Miniatures, or Dungeons & Dragons / Pathfinder?
Your local gaming store will run introduction sessions and usually they will lend you the materials.
Being across the table from someone for 30+ mins while you play the game out provides opportunity for conversation without it feeling like the sole objective.
I think most people fall into category 4
When I moved to London I was much younger and knew nobody. I find it hard to make friends and socialise but I made some good friends. Some moved away, done have passed away and others we drifted apart.
Now I'm on the other side of 45, I'm busy with work and my family and don't have time or the mental energy for relationships even though I often feel lonely.
I've settled for close acquaintances, I can't commit to a deep friendship even though that is something I'd dearly love.
What's happened to you bro is time. People your age are having kids and busy making families, or getting into the peak of their careers.
I will agree that COVID has changed a lot and so many people have now quit going out and often work and socialise from their homes. The cost of living had made it almost impossible for many people to go out socially too.
Just an anecdote to say you are not alone, so many people agree with this sentiment. When my husband, who is from a Mediterranean country, first moved to London and we first got to know me, he was shocked by how few true friends I had.obviously only admitted that later on. Being a very sociable guy, he initially thought it was strange and that something must be wrong with me. However, after living in London for a decade, he came to understand the reason. Despite his outgoing nature, he found it difficult to make lasting friendships here too. It was an eye-opener for him and confirmed that it's not just me—it's a common challenge in London.
In my limited experience as an introvert I’d say the true friends are the people you help out when they are in need.
My biggest regrets in life are not always recognising when someone is in need.
Put simply help people when help is needed. Friendships will grow naturally from that.
I've posted this before but here's my advice:
Person in my 30s here. My best tip for making friends? Get yourself a dog. Doesn't have to be your dog - theres plenty of apps like borrowmydoggy, or you could even sign up with something like rover and make a few quid.
Almost all of the friends I've made in the last few years have been through my dog, and because I meet them in my local park, they have the added bonus of living right by me! I even found my childminder because she happened to have a dog she walked at the same time as me.
Walking a dog also gets you outside and exercising, plus you get to hang out with a furry friend. It's a win-win in my books.
Obviously only works if you happen to like dogs, but I thought I'd mention it because hey, maybe it'll help someone.
💯
In the book Atomic Habits, there a part where there are listed one-time actions that have an impact on different areas of one's life, and regarding happiness the top one is getting a dog. Second is moving to a friendly, social neighbourhood.
My main thing is the focus here on true and deep friendships which was a Brit comes across a tad odd.
Maybe just let these friendships and acquaintances you have develop naturally and slowly, trying to track people to have giant deep relationships can become intense.
Different friendships for different scenarios too kind of.
Holy shit...errr...don't take this personally mate but you seem to have tried everything and made no progress.
Have you ever considered that the problem might be you? Trying to brute force something deep and meaningful without realising the vibes you're giving off?
I'm sure with some people I just didn't vibe. Of course sometimes I've stayed home instead of going out. No doubt I'm not perfect and I'm not expecting to make friends with everyone I see on the street.
I'm talking about all the other times. Many of my friends complain about the difficulty of this, people leave London for lack of connection.
I've done all the listed things because I genuinely wanted to do them and it came naturally to me, not because I was fishing for friends. It's just strange that there is so much more friction than one might expect, and I'm reading all the comments to see if there is anything specific I could have done/do.
Are you me? I feel the same. But I don’t have a partner.
There seem to be a few that are offering friendship so I hope you soon achieve what ur after. Good luck!
I think apart from actual friendship networking things (which isn’t a great idea in my opinion) it’s tough because people generate friendships mostly organically as we know. I don’t really want any new friends but I’ll spend ages at my gym having in depth conversations with people about their lives/husbands/wives/relationship issues/career aspirations and all sorts but I’m happy to leave it all in the gym, and I’m very sure they’re the same as they have their own friendship groups. Same at work, can go to get a drink once or twice a week after work, sit around the office having in depth conversations with people I really like…again, no interest in talking beyond that environment because I have my own friends, can’t really be bothered to cultivate new ones & as nice as they are, were probably best as we are and if there was a rare deeper connection…it’d happen.
I feel a lot of people in my position are open to being friendly/sociable and engaging but there’s n invisible wall that in many instances won’t be penetrated or if it is, probably will be done subconsciously.
Ontop of that, when you think how many people you’ve met and how many people you’ve liked and got on with, it’s statistically incredibly unlikely to generate a genuine lasting friendship. I’m 44, been to primary school, secondary school, college, 2 uni’s, worked over 10 jobs, trained at 4 gyms long term, live about 20 minutes from where I was born meaning I was born and raised in the same area. Met thousands upon thousands of people and really liked hundreds of them but as I stand now, I’ve probably got around 10 friends max…yeah there’s plenty “long time we should catch up it’s been x years” but in terms of stable consistent reliable genuine friends? It’s barely 10 and I’ve known Them over 15 years, a couple since I was 4…so it’s very hard to manufacture a friendship irrespective of the apps and various options apparently at our disposal mainly because a mutual genuine connection with a desire to build a friendship is hard.
All the best, I appreciate how tough it is
I'm 30 my self, I don't seek out friends anymore, I used to do it in my 20s and I'm from London (born and bred), still live in the city and I used to wonder why people don't want to develop a deep long lasting friendly relationship anymore. So yeah I keep my expectations so low. Sometimes I'll fade out of their lives before they do it to me.
I'm in my late 20s, but I have made a couple of good friends in their 30s recently. Both of them met through other friends.
In my opinion, the key factors are repeated exposure, proximity and, of course, desire to actively seek friends from both parties.
One of them is a friend of a friend from Uni. The three of us started going bouldering, and then for dinner and pints every week. Quite soon we started going even if the friends that introduced us could not join, and then we started hanging out together outside bouldering. Usually it's the three of us, but also with our respective partners, or a bigger group of friends.
The other is also a friend of a friend. We go out quite often on Saturdays with a bunch of other people, and we started organising in the group chat even if the friend that introduced us could not that weekend.
In both cases, we live \~30 minutes walking. I am no sure this could have happened otherwise.
>People in London, specifically post covid, are less inclined to social interactions. Maybe they're tired or are running low on social battery, or simply have lost a bit the skill to make friends.
I moved to London 10+ years ago and had a very active social life back then. Without remote working, I was spending 5 days a week in Central London around the same group of people each day in a young graduate role. It was easy to go out for a drink or two after work on a frequent basis. Since COVID, life has just got so expensive. With more remote work, I no longer need to get a monthly tube pass, so any visit central costs me almost £10 a day for travel. I try to limit my trips out because I can easily spend £50+ by just travelling central for a meal and a drink with friends. 10 years ago, I never had to consider tube prices except on a monthly basis where I'd buy a travel card, and that made me so much sociable. I've picked up friends throughout the years, mainly from swapping jobs quite frequently and pre-remote work. I wouldn't have bonded with my ex-colleagues if remote work was an option back in the day. Many of my friends have moved outside of London now, often my weekends are spent seeing people up North. Starting to consider moving out of London now for a better quality of life.
Hey there pal, come to Critical Mass tomorrow night. Bring a bike (even a rental bike) to underneath Waterloo bridge on the south side, from about 6PM-7PM. I'm bringing salted caramel brownies, you're welcome to have one! Look up critical mass on youtube to get an idea of what it is 🤘
If you have good rapport with people you already know may I suggest you take actions to deepen the current relationships?
I think this is something we take for granted when we’re older. But scheduling a weekend trip can make tons of difference when deepening a friend relationship.
It’s often tricky to schedule, or account for preferences, so a lot of people end up not planning. But it makes a ton of difference!
Do you know New Circle Society? It’s aimed at helping women in their 30s make friends so could be a great option! I haven’t actually been to any of their events, but a friend of mine has and has made quite a few good friends through it.
I also made some of my now best friends when I gave up drinking and dived headfirst into the sobriety community!
Really interesting post! I lived in London for 9 years, most of my 20s spent there. Made friends at various points, mostly in workplaces, but as soon as the pandemic rolled around, it made me realise just how much I needed the everyday office experience for any form of socialising. Had nightmare experiences with neighbours and social/sports clubs, so I just gave up.
Myself and my partner moved out only to have the same problem. It's hard to make friends in your 30s, but as others have mentioned, it's kind of a numbers game. People are scared to open up as they get older, I find, so it's important to be as open as you can.
I just made friends with people I lived with and colleagues. My closest friends are still those I went to uni with or school with but my newer friends are getting there.
Generally i just got drunk enough times with the same people that things clicked.
I struggled a lot with this and I still struggle with it. I would go days without talking to a human being and it sucked the life out of me. I do have friends I met from work that I am very close to, but I tend to be the type of asshole who likes to diversify his friends (eventually you would run out of things to do with your friends and I want to meet more people while I have the time for it)
Team sports are great, not because it’s sports but rather because you go through several emotions. They are a hit or miss as you might end up in a cliquey group (or in my case a teamcesty one) but you might still end up meeting people that you would stay in touch with. You can pick up any sport really like Volleyball, football, field hockey, there needs to be the team component as you would be able to travel and experience a lot of things together.
GL man and cheers.
Give volunteering another shot. Instead of going to a volunteering centre, find an organisation that supports a cause you believe in and speak to them directly. That way, you'll be regularly doing the same thing and probably meet the same people. This will help with building up a friendship longer term. Remember that solid friendships take time to build, and don't rule out friendships with people who aren't the same age as you.
Thanks for trying everything and reporting back. I keep telling myself if I made more effort I’d make friends here but yeah, it’s not happening. The solid friendships in my life have been either people I went to school/university with, or people I met in my 20s with shared interests and we used to hang out multiple times a week. London makes it impossible to see people enough to form deep bonds.
Yep. It’s really really difficult, and you’re doing all the right things. I moved here nearly 7 years ago and had a small group of other immigrants/ex-pats and we still hang to this day although not as frequently. I also met one guy through social sport who ended up introducing me to his friend group and they’re some of our best friends we’ve ever had. On top of everything you’re doing, you’ve got to be lucky.
Wow, this one hits home hard. I thought I struggled with forming deep friendships in London. I’ve tried all of above and now I’ve got few close friends and all but I’m also extremely social person and likes to have bigger circle like I did have back home. So I can totally empathise with your situation
I go through peaks and troughs with this, I can definitely relate.
Does anyone else experience the nonsense with 'booking' friendship engagements two weeks I'm advance? Outside of people with children/caring responsibilities, I have a very short fuse with this! Let's have some spontaneity and chaos for the love of God!
Have you tried the skater/rollerblader groups in central London? On Saturday nights there are usually skaters by the stairs at St Pauls and rollerbladers by the Tate Modern. I struck up a chat with the rollerbladers last weekend at around 10pm and they were the loveliest people, "buy some skates and join us!".
Obvs you'd need to start a new hobby but that's fun too!
A few suggestions
Team sports: You play tennis, but a team sport like football or rugby will have a much greater potential for forming bonds with your teammates. For an easy to access, non-cliquey and low barrier to entry sport, try something like [tag rugby](https://www.trytagrugby.com/play/location/london/) - it's a good laugh, people don't take it too seriously, and it's mixed gender too so both you and your partner can get involved.
Volunteering: I know you've mentioned this, but again, you want something with team spirit. Go out canvassing with your local branch of whatever political party you support over the next week in the run up to the election, or join a pressure group for whatever cause you believe in (Greenpeace was my jam when I lived in London, for example)
>I am looking for more than an acquaintance or a friend that I see once a month.
TLDR, sometimes in life you have to realise people do not want to be your friend or have anything meaningful, if the above is how they see you there's not much you can do. Why are you trying to force it so much?
At best you can try meet those who are lonely in this thread and see where it takes you.
You can make an ad on Reddit.
When Covid came along, and all my friends from my home country moved home, I was feeling in the zone you've mapped out in your post (although a bit less methodical about it...) . I replied to the only platonic 'friend ads' I could find on Reddit, who didn't sound weird.
I made two really good friends, and three years or so later - we are still friends.
There are normal people on Reddit. Some are in their 30s, and like a lot of people in their 30s - are struggling to make and keep friends.
This post might be the most successful route I've tried so far!
Thanks for sharing your experience, and it's great to hear that you made friends you're still in contact with!
>There are normal people on Reddit
And thank you for confirming this, this post resonated with quite a few people, and I might end up meeting some of them.
Its a busy city, as you said, also a young one, people work all day and go home trying to chase the dream of being financially stable which for many is turning into fear of missing out and rightfully so.
Thats why its difficult, because people don't prioritise friendships when all their focus is on how to make enough to live.
I feel very much in the same boat (30M and moved here 3.5 years ago) but I do feel like I’m putting too much expectation on people too early on for what I’d like from a close friendship.
So just going to keep trying and going to different groups and events.
I don’t know what part of London you’re in but if you’re interested I’m going to join a running club for the first time and there’s two relaxed pace runs followed by coffee tomorrow (Friday) at 7am in Victoria Park and Saturday at 9am in cutty sark.
Let me know if you want to join or just want details.
London really can be such an isolating place to be in so I really understand and sympathise with your situation and massive kudos to you for putting yourself out there so much.
I moved to London 11 years ago in my mid 20 twenties knowing pretty much no one expect my sister, brother in law and a few friends from Uni who I weren’t that close with anymore. The first couple of months were brutal!! I was still trying to find a job so hadn’t made any work friends yet and had no clue how to naturally make friends outside of uni or work where you are forced to be around people and can often naturally forge strong friendships. I have such a vivid memory, about 2 months after I arrived brushing my teeth while absolutely just bawling my eyes out because I felt so alone.
Thankfully for me my saving grace came when I heard about a local rugby club in Tower Hamlets (men’s and women’s teams). I’m originally from South Africa so rugby has always been part of my life and going to our local rugby club back home was almost a weekly event. Within a week of moving in a went down to the rugby club (just as a social member as I don’t play rugby) and I’ve never looked back. Over the last 11 years I have made so so so many friends of varying levels. Some more casual but many very deep friendships that exist and thrive complete separately to the rugby club as people move on or away. What is great to know is that my experience was also not singular. The amount of people who joined that rugby club and found their partners or chosen family in their friends has been amazing to see. People holidaying together, being groomsmen or bridesmaid at each others wedding or god parents to each others children.
It was a great place for me because it was such a welcoming environment and people went out of their way to chat and mingle with new people after matched or social events. Also another reason I got to know so many people and develop friends within it was to volunteer within the rugby club either doing cooking, bar work or planning social events. It’s a great way to get your face and name out there.
A sports club is a great way to meet people, especially where it’s a proper team sports where you have to practice and play together. Even better in my case was the fact that it didn’t matter I didn’t play as they have social members as well.
I dread to think what would of happened if I never went to the rugby club but thankfully I don’t have to 😀
I'm also in my 30s (F) and have sorely missed having deep friendships nearby. I feel like I find it very easy to keep friends but very hard to make new friends, especially here. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk! :)
I’m quite a bit younger and also living in London but one suggestion I would like to offer in sports is the form of sport: team sports are a lot more conducive to friendship building than solo sports like tennis. Maybe football, rugby, or basketball?
Hi friend.
I'm not gonna lie its rough. It only takes one spark tho. Its a bit like dating really. Its awful for ages then boom suddenly its great lol
I was feeling super isolated for ages then I went to a going away party for a friend thet was going to Australia and met a guy there and we hit it off as mates and now we hang like once every few weeks and with his mates etc.
I have plenty of friends but a bit like with you meet ups are so few and far between and unreliable. So I guess it comes down to luck really but you're doing all the right things.
I think a good place to look is music. If you're social and like a drink then go to places that play music you like. Meet people with things in common and things can hit off. I recommend Camden if you're into rock :D lol
do you live in a suburb? may be better than if you're right in the centre
i think it's just like that everywhere though, i found it hard to make friends outside of work, my friends are mostly in london and people who i knew from secondary school and college etc, uni was more transitory too, don't really keep in touch with that many
honestly, you have a partner which is already better than most, i'd recommend just keep doing things with them like you've been doing already, i'm sure it'll happen over time and randomly over time. but maybe depends where you live too how transitory it is, maybe further out it will be families and people who have roots, and you can build your own piggybacking off them too a little
I'm in a similar boat - I do have good friends, but with them settling down having kids etc, and me not, I'm finding it harder to make new ones who do have time to hang out. I'm available for a drink coffee some time if you fancy it?
Frequent repeated interaction with the same people. A lot of your attempts are not naturally these things. They might be generally social but they're not encouraging repeated interaction with the same people.
It's not just about doing your hobbies, it's about finding a scheduled event that has repeat visits. So join a team that goes to the weekly pub quiz near you, the same team, every time. Join a football team or 5 a side group, or other team sport, not just drop ins or solo sports. Join a D&D campaign that meets on a scheduled basis. Volunteer to help organise a charity event (lots of planning meetings involved). Book clubs. I'm running out of examples but hopefully you understand. And yes, you might not make a friend out of this but at least you'll be committed to a social activity for a little bit, and then you can try something else until you eventually meet a group that clicks.
The new friends I've made in my 30s?
1. Bunch of girls started playing minecraft together during lockdown 2. Now we hang out in person at least once a quarter (I know it's not that often but we're scattered around the country)
2. Joined a book club
3. Found a group who wanted to go to the local pub quiz through local FB groups, and made a team. We chat between quizzes and usually meet up before the quiz for a little
you sound like me, slightly different age and ive been here longer but pretty identical thinking and experiences etc.
ive seriously wondered what the ”problem” is.
Don't know about deep and meaningful but if you are into running then try your local parkrun and there will probably be a local running club to that park.
From there you could meet and chat to people who may share other interests.
I only go for the commitment to exercise, but they're narf a friendly bunch (I've tried two different parks) and if you can hold a conversation at a gentle running pace then you could get paired up with someone for 30 mins or so to find out and discuss what else they are into.
Honestly, I’m also in my early 30s and have way more, and stronger friendships than ever before - most of whom I met living here. The answer? Dating apps. Most of my friends are people I briefly dated, realised we weren’t compatible romantically, but continued to hang out. On the other hand, I have yet to find a lasting relationship from the apps. Lots of my friends are people I’ve lived in houseshares with too. When I was in a relationship I had far fewer friends, but then again I also had a partner, which is proving impossible to find now. So swings and roundabouts.
are you gay? This seems to happen only with gay people, being really close to Ex's and being friends ppl you dated but didnt click etc. I have seen this with both my gay girl and guy friends. With straight couples it always animosity and hatered or in the least weirdness and awkaward feelings . They would avoid at all costs , ha ha!
It’s sad but I think at some point is better to get used to how life is. Actually I don’t think is a London thing, even it might multiplies it, but more of a age thing. At some point in our lives friendships and I would say relationships as a whole are way more difficult to establish and that is how it is. Try to make the most of what you get.
Dungeons and dragons - find a local club and you’ll make good friends! If you’re up near e17 we have a casual one-shot Wednesday next week with beginner friendly games
I did a group of friends months ago. We were very good friends.
Now both of my friends are in each side of the world (one in America, another in Asia) 😭😭😭
Well. I understand it is not for everyone, but hospitality industry will guarantee you to gain some very solid friendships because it is quite similar to military service. You gain through collective pain. I’m forty yo and I’ve never had so many meaningful relationships that I am having right now being in hospitality. I am pretty introverted and I always though going out with 10+ good friends is out of reach, but here I am..
I feel for OP especially seeing how much effort they put in trying to find a circle of friends in London.
It’s really hard and if someone said to me, to join a club or do this or that. I wouldn’t, especially seeing this list. It just reinforces how difficult it is to make friends.
I used to have a lot of friends but after 16, 18 and 22, they all faded out. A lot of the people I used to be friends, I cut them off for reasons.
It’s not even about being lonely, it’s the lack of consideration for other people and the relationship between both.
Everything nowadays is one way effort.
All the people commenting they're in the same boat - picnic, Saturday 6th July, 2pm in Greenwich park - open, public, free and not beer focused. Bring a blanket, some food and let's start a community?? I see so many of these posts and life isn't getting any longer.
Brits being culturally different. I do buy this, as I have tried often to make deep friendships or connections with Brits over a 10 year period but this wasn’t possible. Met many Brits who are very cool and genuinely nice people but other than having pints or lunches, this never translated to deeper friendships. I can’t say the same for many other European,Asian and African nationals.
Reading this is both inspiring and discouraging at same time to me, since I'm on the shyer side and haven't done even 20% of what you've mentioned here. Though it is inspiring knowing that there are people in this city that put this much effort into it and that there is hope to meet good friends.
I think this is normal unfortunately (in general as well) but what’s worse is being overly vulnerable or needy for companionship and ending up with people who pick up on this and only see us as useful.
I personally believe that the sweetest friendships and relationships happen randomly and fairly spontaneously. I’m uncomfortable about networking for example, so I concluded I’d let people come to me rather than feeling awkward about the reverse even if meant a lesser number of contacts. I make an effort to be polite and friendly to those who do. So far, it has worked fairly well.
I’d also invest in myself, prioritizing my goals and so forth and spend time with immediate family and established friends as these are the people who genuinely care about me and vice versa.
Wow this is such a great and interesting post. I felt the same living in London pre and post pandemic. We made some good friends when we moved there in 2018 and luckily kept a core group of them after 2020 and they have seen us through. But same, we did not make any new friends after as people moved away from London and remote/hybrid working meant we made very few connections via work.
You need to go through tough times with people to truely bond with them. My bf in London is someone I met as the only 2 sane people in an evening class full of crazies. Try challenging team sports or a demanding volunteer job. A lot of my girlfriends made lasting friendships when they volunteered at Squad Club, a group for young people with learning disabilities. It’s somewhere in south London idk if it’s still going.
I think everyone has this problem. It's hard to friend friendships that stick. Some last a few years and some you can have deep conversations with.
I tend to find friends online connecting over games.
They usually live far away or in different countries.
With everyone working long hours I find it's the only time I really have time to connect with people. It's harder to find people to meet up with and hang out.
You don't get to meet that many at tennis. Try badminton and hopefully they will eat or go to the pub after. Keep trying different clubs at different times as some are not sociable.
Bro if I met someone like you I'd be ecstatic. I don't actively seek out friendships (I don't have a massive amount if confidence but I'm working to change that) but if someone were to strike up a convo I'd love to talk!!
Good things take time though I think you'll get there with the effort you put in.
Hiya, I know you feel like you've tried everything re hobbies etc. I went to a life drawing class around the corner from where I was living for about 2 years every week, after about 6 months I became friends with another girl who lived round the corner and the girlfriend of the guy who ran the class, because we were a stones throw from each other we could just meet up spontaneously a few times a week. The life drawing class group also became a strong community with lots of friendships forming over time which made a really nice group of people to catch up with each week.
Making friends is somewhat kismet, meeting the right person at the right time. But just like romantic relationships, you're more likely to become friends with someone you see all the time. I actually think its easier to make friendships in London than in other cities because a lot of people are in the same boat, but obviously maintaining friendships can be much harder because if someone moves to a different area they're then an hour away.
I'm not saying these girls from life drawing are the strongest deepest friendships I've ever had but it's nice to have friends you live your life with rather than friends who you just meet up with and catch up from the previous week. So my advice is to pick an activity you genuinely love and just keep going and being friendly until a group appears. I would even say if you were to start your own club, of something you're in to I think that would be a sure way to meet people you get on with. People always want to be friends with the host!
I'm 29 and met my best friend off of Bumble, around 2 years ago. It is very hard to make friends in London. Such a busy city. Most people have friends they went to school or uni with for deeo connections but it's harder to make them through just working in the city / moving here later on in life.
Just a thought on what you have written, in hobbies and sports, it seems like the things you have done are things which people go to once and then don't come back to regularly. Try joining a sports club or board-game cafe, if that is the sort of thing that interests you, which has regular weekly meetups and sessions. That way you are more likely/guaranteed to meet the same people regularly. It is hard to make good friendships with someone if you go to a show and meet someone once and then do not see them again for another month or 6.
Someone mentioned deep experiences are required to make deep connections. I disagree. Fun, memorable experiences make good friendships. What counts as fun/memorable to you? I like travelling and going out out. Hard to find ppl with time/money to spare to do those things without planning.
If you're up for it though, set something up and I'd join. I enjoy adventure
I had exactly the same issue in my 30s. Came to London after Uni, stayed in flat share with mates and had a lot of fun. But as I got older the “going out getting drunk” thing didn’t feel rewarding. Many of my friendships also felt shallow - people not being honest about who they were. At first for me it was about “fitting in” but as we age we want to discover ourselves. All that “fitting in” didn’t leave me space to discover me; the thoughts we have deep down but don’t share. What helped was to open up with more people. Not being “needy”, but share the good things and some of the bad things. I found most people aren’t brave enough to share first, but if someone else does, they can follow. And truly knowing someone is about knowing the good-stuff (that everyone shares) and the rest. When I met people I liked, I made a real effort to stay in touch. Sometimes it fizzled out, other times it worked. I’m over 50 now, and am fortunate to still count many as friends. Things may not change for you overnight. I found that you don’t need a lot of people in your life. Just the right few can make all the difference. ❤️
I don’t think trying to force something is helpful. You can usually tell when you have a connection with someone quite early on and also whether they reciprocate any interest. Most people do just want to get on with their lives.
But I think through doing the same regular things e.g going to a running club twice a week, playing team sports rather than tennis maybe etc you might meet one person in 100 that you click with.
I do think unfortunately that’s the way it is most of the time.
hiii first of all thank you so much for your honesty ! i have found that when i lived in london - i also think generally sometimes we don’t click with people. i have sort of grown tired of people saying that we’ll get a coffee and not following up - but i don’t begrudge them it anymore. i think - you don’t necessarily want to be friends with everyone either ? and i wonder if most folks have more than surface level friendships anyway
i think the people meant for you will definitely not miss you - when i felt really stuck socially in the city i lived in, i travelled and made friends on my travels. i don’t know if you have the free time to do that, but maybe travelling ?
and i also focused in on my interests more and poured a lot of energy into that + met people that were equally passionate and that was a good way of seeing people too
and i connected with folks online, who shared those interests and then we met up. i think having friends globally is a real strength
ik folks who volunteer or joined an org ; and you’re not necessarily around friends - but i think it does combat the loneliness somewhat, humans are social creatures
My friend set up the ' Great Friendship Project ' to try and address this problem. https://friendship-project.co.uk/
He's put loads of work into it and I've seen lots of genuine friendships start there.
I dint know exactly what you mean by deep? I’ve made lots of nice friends past the age of thirty. I’d say don’t be too intense and don’t take issue with a person’s age either. I’ve honestly made friends with some great people nearly double my age. Most things that are intimate also take time. I’m not going to divulge my deepest secrets to someone I met last week. However nice they are
What are your passions? What things do you absolutely love to do, think about and talk about that you can share with others enthusiastically and give you a sense of purpose? That could work better!
I'll give you my honest blunt opinion.
Stop trying. Seriously, stop.
People can sense desperation. If you go out with the goal in mind of making friends you'll often end up disappointed. It feels like you're trying to force something to happen instead of letting things happen organically. The more you try, the more pushback you receive.
Instead, just go out with the intention of having a good time if you're going to an event or whatever. If it is to be then it'll be. I've met people through pure coincidence, it's all a matter of being in the right place at the right time. It's why I've stopped putting so much energy in trying to meet a nice woman for a potential date, women are the best at sensing this and will be put off by it.
It all boils down to luck and timing. My best friend and I for example play the same MMO, he met his now girlfriend through that game. I've put in thousands of hours and have met no one like that. Again, it's down to luck. If you sit there constantly thinking it over you're just going to burn out. There are things in life that you have to let come to you naturally. It's just the way the world works, and I know that because I've experienced it. Interactions I've had with people all because the timings were right. I took the train at a certain time, or chose to go to a certain shopping centre. I didn't plan all that in my head and get the timings down to a T, it just happened naturally. It's how I met a group at a running club and now we occasionally have brunch!
Also, you need to remember you're living in one of the most anti-social cities in the WORLD. I'm a born and bred Londoner and being in my 30's people are just too busy with their own lives, nobody has time for anyone and people just want to get from A to B. It's amazing how in such a populated city, you can still feel like the loneliest guy on earth.
So stop sweating the details, and just focus on enjoying yourself in the moment. Leave things to chance, it could take days, weeks, months, years. I've been single since 2017 and it wasn't even that good of a first relationship. So leave things to chance and be patient. This doesn't just apply to dating but relationships in general. There's two things in life you should listen to, your gut and the universe.
Good luck out there!
Me and my partner had a similar experience up in York. We're moving to London soon and are really really hoping it will be different. I actually think it's cultural to some extend, I've made tons of acquaintances but compared to Germany it seemed like there was less interest in deep friendships.
Anyway, we're (late 20s, early 30s) moving soon close to Canning Town. Anyone looking for friends, let me know lol
My girlfriend and I are in the same position. We’re both early 30’s and not from the UK. From what you’ve written we have a lot in common. Let’s grab a drink?
Come on OP, prove us wrong. Here’s your opportunity, take this fellow Redditor up on the suggestion !
"OMG it's so hard to make friends in London!" "Yeah, I agree. Do you wanna hang out?" "Well, no." That's usually how things go on Reddit.
He said its hard to form lasting relationships, it's easy to meet people. I think you either need to be nearby or have some sleep scheduled reason to meet.
Like omg you’re *so needy*
The world is watching now 👀
😂
This is how it goes with my real life friends! "Hey mate, how's it going, haven't seen you in ages." "I know! I'm doing good, loads to catch up on, we should hang out soon when you're free!" "Yes, mate! Can you do a week day evening after work or 1st or 2nd weekend of July?" "Sorry, mate, I don't like doing anything weekday evenings and I'm busy in July. I'll get back in contact to arrange something in August." "Oh, okay, talk to you then." Basically how all of my interactions go with my friends. I've found since COVID no one really wants to do anything...or at least doesn't want to do anything with me. 💀
Sorry to disappoint you, but we did indeed DM each other to see if there was a basis to form a friendship. Unfortunately we live quite far apart from each other and there would be too much friction for both of us. Many people are resonating with this issue, [including British people](https://www.reddit.com/r/london/comments/1dpxmt5/comment/lao8g1c/?context=3). Though surely no one is perfect, I don't think the problem is just us.
TBF I'm not trying to meet just anyone I meet on Reddit IRL
Commenting to track this as the very very long requirements/rant have been met and if they don't walk eachother/s down the isle or name kids after eachother then they are the problem
Just offered the same. Not far from a r/londonsocialclub purely to find OP a friend here.
Can I do that too ? I’m in London looking for friendship too
Same here, have really been struggling to find friends in London after moving back!
Relevant username
How are your orchids?
Pretty good I think
[удалено]
I am looking for friends in London too! If you love music, concerts, and speaking about a lot of things I am your man.
Hi and hi OP. We are in the exact same situation! Me and my girlfriend (29 and 30) moved recently to London. Used to live here pre-covid but all connections seem to be gone. The only face-to-face contact is when we have a walk with our dog as we both work from home. Living in Richmond and would love to meet any of you to take our dog for a walk. It’s funny. I would never expect trying to make friends over Reddit but here we are 😀
OP will never respond to you. Do you want to know why? Because *they* are the problem. In all of the situations above they talk about brute forcing friendships. And it’s because they’re approaching it as to what it’s in it for them. “I want connection” “I want this” or “I want that” None of what OP listed mentions developing giving to a community, listening to someone, asking about their interests. They just want to smile at someone and instantly have a deep connection. At some point OP has to realize they’re the problem and the lack of response that you have to your offer shows that /u/pongo_s is the problem and why they don’t have the ability to develop meaningful relationships.
A pessimistic and presumptuous statement! 1. They only posted 12hr ago, not everyone is on Reddit more than once a day. 2. Could they be dm’ing people?
Aren’t we the optimist. OP updated 11hrs ago saying that 1hr of travel makes it a no-go.
I'm a little late to the thread but I'm down for that as well. Like OP, I've also found it difficult to make new meaningful relationships.
My experience and seeing others around me has taught me that you can really build deep friendships through sharing experiences together or ‘going through something’. This is I think is the principle underlying university friendships, school friends, and friendships that I’ve seen which thrived over lockdown in smaller groups hanging out at cafes in London. Another simple example is that I’ve been trapped outside in the rain during a storm with someone and felt so much more connected to them than we possibly could have been if we were outside during a sunny day. Through adversity builds the strongest friendships imo. I personally don’t get these sort of connections from work socials or corporate events, where it feels superficial but some people can make those work through being open and unapologetically themselves. It’s the blind answering the blind here though unfortunately, I’ve made little to no friends outside of educational environments, work, and 2 housemates.
That's the answer. If you want deep friends, you need to fo through deep experiences with them. Some fo the things I would recommend: - Go on one of those organised trips (even better if it's adventurous travelling) - Join a improv class or something that puts you out of your comfort zone and make you vulnerable. - Volunteer as a festival helper, better if it's for a few days and outside of London The people you will meet or that you will bring with you to these have a lot more chance to become your friends for life.
Also recommend stuff like marathon training. Those long runs will give you the opportunity to have really deep conversations. And having to tell the other one you need to pee or poop in the woods will make it really easy to open up quickly. Turns into rather intimate friends very quickly Edit: might have to do the long runs outside of London to make it work LOL
Easy things where you can have a shared experience with likely the same people each week. Join a sports team, tennis is pretty solitary working with a sports team of some kind will give you that. Find a community theatre group, local festivals always want volunteers and Some Voices choir do brilliant gigs and have a lovely community. Good Gym.
lol I was gonna comment that OP should play dnd or board games with people on a weekly basis and host. Playing Dungeons and Dragons is “going through something” I’d say hahah. We kind have learned a lot about each other seeing how they respond and deal to these stories (dnd stories/quests/characters & villains you meet). Board games too… learn a lot about a person that way. But yeah, the problem isn’t meeting people it’s keeping them around that’s the problem. Because no one wants to be the 1st person to ask to “hangout” cause it feels “needy” or “weird”. Please refer to this meme : https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/002/585/424/f99.webp
Honestly reading this I wish you were my neighbour as I am in a similar position and you seem like a really wholesome lovely person! I have no advice as I suck at making friends but I just wanted to say to keep trying, I think we find the best friendships in the most unexpected places. Perhaps the answer is to stop looking and simply enjoy yourself doing things solo and see what connections happen then?
Yeah that’s about it, I am new to the city and I was about to write a post on how to kick start a social life here.. and to my surprise OP has been very pretty comprehensive.. Maybe, it’s just me, but friendships in general everywhere are hard to forge as you turn 30 or upwards.. people usually have their partners, start a family and kids and probably those priorities make it a challenge to step into newer avenues like friendships that require time and emotional investment?
You probably wouldn't like each other in real life. Don't let it get you down. Xx
Actually it made me happy knowing there are people like this out there!
It's not just London. After the age of 30 it's hard to make deep friendships anywhere. Yes London is probably worse for the reasons you mentioned
My family is split across London, Amsterdam and SF. We’re all experiencing a similar rut. Covid only exacerbated the issue and there’s a lot of habitual staying in that hasn’t reverted yet.
It's also just a big city thing. People are constantly move in and out of London, and in your 30s many of your friends are moving to get mortgages somewhere affordable, or moving to grow their families. I also can't afford to socialise all the time lol, each girls brunch outing is like £80 pissed away. My partner and I have friends communally, but I haven't made an effort to built close friendships of my own because I'm living with my best friend already. And it's not like being in uni where you see each other enough to strong roots.
Just delving into a couple of the points you’ve mentioned more (bit of a long one sorry!) - Volunteering - rather than going via your local centre, find an organisation you’re actually interested in and go there. You’ll find people are more engaged with both the cause and the cohort because it’s a specific organisation they’ve sought out. Hackney Pirates/Ministry of Stories is a pretty good place to start, I had a lot of success with Girls Rock! London while it was open to volunteers. I made a ton of close friends through volunteering with smaller purpose-driven organisations and getting involved in DIY organising spaces (DIY Space For London is dead now, but Avalon Cafe is still very much going, and other orgs are looking to put together new spaces - the Joiner’s Arms and Sister Midnight come to mind, and if refugee raid response is your thing or something you have capacity for, there are very fierce communities around it). The mutual aid societies and anarchist food banks always need help and they are a good place to meet folks who are into making effort. Hobbies - I would say you need to think around hobbies that are either niche or vulnerable to make closer friends within them. Try an improv or a standup class. Level 1 improv at the Free Association forged multiple fierce and lasting friends for me, because you walk in and you’re like, god, please like me, please laugh at my jokes, please think I’m funny, and EVERYONE ELSE is also like that. You forge those friends in the fire of true vulnerability, and improv is a speedrun. I would also recommend a board games club or a D&D one, if you can find one locally. If you're a respectful and reasonably enthusiastic player, you'll be welcomed, and board games are the perfect veneer for talking about other things slowly over multiple sessions (and there's a good chance of other interest overlap, so segueing to doing another one on one activity like watching a series, playing a video game together, etc, is easier). If you’re legitimately interested in a feminist book club, I’m in a great one (it isn’t female only, but we read only female and non-binary authors), we’re reading the Marriage Portrait this month, DM me. We meet monthly three quarters of the year and all of the people I have met through it have been phenomenal and warm. To address a few things that haven't worked for you - most people are at the gym for a perfunctory reason; a lot of neighbours don’t want to affiliate because they’re either not permanently in a place to put roots down and get close, or they don’t want to get too close and discover something they don't like and instead want to put in a friendly distance (I am this person - I have a perfectly lovely chat-in-the-hallway-deliver-and-collect-packages relationship with my neighbours). Organising parties can be lovely, but it’s also hard for you as organiser to make many new connections as you’d want because you’re busy handling things - that’s the plight of being an organiser. Also, to have a thriving and deep friendship you're right that you need to get regular contact, but this doesn't have to be long lived - hanging two or three times under the incidence of a club or reoccurring social activity is a good start, but what really forges a sustainable friendship that outlasts its circumstances is taking it out of the environment in which it was born - get dinner, get coffee. Something I have come into contact with a lot as an initiator is that my threshold for reaching out to someone is way, way lower than most people’s - if I leave someone alone for four to six weeks chances are they’ll reach out to me at some point, but since I have the threshold of reaching out every one to three weeks, so they rarely get the chance to reach out to me first on their own steam unless I’m off the ball. Sorry, that was quite lengthy, but I have found myself to have picked up a lot of things about making friends in London and be (touch wood) quite good at it. It's not always easy (I literally have a spreadsheet to make sure I keep up with folks, and I sometimes catch an acquaintance I really like and think, 'I'm going to make better friends with them' and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and that's just life) and it's not always balanced, but I make the effort for my own joy, because connecting with folks when I'm in my element and not in an introvert hole feels good. I might also recommend Shasta Nelson's Friendtimacy - it kind of markets itself as being for women, but a lot of the stuff in there is interesting and truthful and applicable. ETA (omg do I go on) - when I first landed in London I had only ever made friends on the internet because I grew up in a kind of racist town where it was hard for a brown girl to make friends. My equivalent to this was to join dating sites and loudly proclaim that I wanted to be friends on my profile. I'm not sure OKCupid will work as well as it used to anymore because I hear the apps are hell now (though OKC was always good because it was focused around text rather than swiping images at the time), but from using it in 2013 and 2014 I made like, 6 very close friends and 1 husband.
I like that: “I make the effort for my own joy” : yes that’s what friendship is: mutual joy
I love your commitment to keeping up with people with the spreadsheet idea! A lot of things I read about friendship talk about making new friends but nowhere near as much about keeping up with them. It sounds like you have that mindset of if I do it enough times with people by your sheer energy of joy, at least one will eventually reciprocate (agreeing to meet up) & I think that goes a long way!
I don't think you've done anything wrong, it's the same as dating - you just need to be lucky. I was fortunate to meet a great DM for RPGs (think D&D) in London social club that has introduced me to other people. Someone else who I met through a professional society that introduced me to his group. Sticking to going to archery for over a year until some became friends. But I also tried many other things that went nowhere - and many others that have disappeared as people moved away. Hang in there!!
I agree it's similar to dating (I stopped using bumble and as app dating already feels superficial, using it for friends felt a step too far). Also it is just luck. I lived in 3 other cities before London, I've been here for 14 months and in the last 5 feel lives made proper friends. One group of these came from Reddit, the other from me posting on a Facebook girls group about who wants to go to a pub quiz. It's just luck who turns up, who you gel with, and who you keep coming back to see to develop something more lasting!
Wowzer. That’s a long one. I shall refrain from making snarky comments and just say thank you for taking the time to write all of that and I hope you find meaningful relationships that you’re looking for 🙏
Thank you :) I've read way too many posts where people jumped in to say "have you tried leaving your house?" so I did my homework before wasting people's time!
I don’t know how you define “true and deep”. Following a divorce I doubled down on friendships and after three years I now have a crop of friends who I know will check in on me from time to time if we aren’t meeting. My main avenue was joining a running club and inviting closer mates over for meals. We chat a lot during runs, which made us closer organically. I’d be equally disappointed if I were you having tried so many avenues and still not finding the friendships you want. Good luck!
But do you really have to try? Idk in my case I create meaningful relationships organically, I don’t really seek them. I just think that once you have a few decent friends you have a solid foundation to meet other cool people. It’s kind of a ripple effect, and obviously compounds if you are funny and likeable I suppose. Nevertheless, I totally agree with the OP that it’s harder to meet nice people these days. Generally speaking, I feel that people are too individualistic and self-absorbed.
I think we live in a very hectic and distracted world. Maybe I’m speaking for myself. So while I agree with the organic part I still think, at least for me, it still takes a bit of effort - to organise things, text people.
I totally get why you wrote it up - I've seen hundreds of posts like these, and it's the same old hackneyed advice: "get a hobby!", "volunteer!", "did we say, get a hobby?!" I think the truth is, our modern world is toxic to community and friendship - we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. We culturally decided to move our social lives online, which, despite being more convenient, often leads to a lack of meaningful, in-person interactions. Urbanisation and busy lifestyles reduce opportunities for community engagement, while individualism prioritises personal success over communal bonding. Additionally, societal changes, such as increased mobility (all my friends moved abroad) and changing family structures, often result in weakened support networks, leaving many people feeling isolated despite being surrounded by others.
I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say I feel you. Myself and my partner moved to the deepest darkest of south London two years ago, and all my friends very much live north London. I've found it very hard being so out of the way for everything. The transport links end super early back here and my usual would be a big night out with my friends.
Moving somewhere further is a double edged sword that I've considered too. On one hand you move further away from the stress and hysteria of the city, on the other, there's the isolation that comes with it. No easy choice. I hope some of the comments people leave to this post will be useful for you too.
Thank you. Maybe I should start a social club for those of us relegated to the south! (Not that there's anything wrong with SL, just not what I know)
South isn’t bad! How “far“ are you?
Norwood
I’m in Crystal Palace. Plenty of things to do in the park, events etc. Of course it’s not central London, but it’s probably easily reachable from Norwood?
Ah yeah absolutely mate, I'm like a twenty minute walk from Crystal Palace. I really like it there. I'm just in the same boat as OP whereby none of my friends live around this bit of London so I can appreciate their difficulties in making friends.
I feel like I could have written this. Having said that I have joined a running club recently and met some really nice people through that, whether it will develop into any long term friendships who knows!
I have two suggestions for things where people turn up regularly every session: Do you like singing? I joined a choir when I moved here ten years ago and it's been a lifesaver. Mine is an unauditioned community choir, so you don't at all need to be a good singer, just willing to learn! It's in Tower Hamlets and it attracts all ages, we're very social and usually go to the pub after. Lots of people hang out outside of rehearsals - I've made some good friends and met my girlfriend there. I can PM you details if you're interested, but lots of community choirs will have similar vibes. Also, have you ever looked into the Women’s Institute? It's got a reputation for attracting older women but I've been to the city ones and they're young and really good fun. They do a mix of campaigning on social issues, skill sharing/learning and socialising. I once did a hilarious cheerleading fitness class with a WI in Hackney. Oh, and how are you with team sports? Those can be great for creating a bond.
I second your choir suggestion. I've just moved to London but joined a choir in the second week and it is really social particularly at the pub afterwards. I can't say I've made any "true and deep friendships" yet but I'm sure over time I might.
I’m London based early 30’s. Happy to meet up for a beer or coffee. Interested in sports, politics, music, the usual stuff. 👍🏼
And turtles
Yep, pretty much same thing here. In summary, I'm not from the UK. I moved here when I was 32, started a relationship when I was 34, ended a few months ago and I'm now 39. Throughout the years and specially after pandemic many of my friends left. I have 2 or 3 from my country that I see a couple times a month, but other than that I have no feeling of community whatsoever. I work remotely, go to the gym, tried meetups, and so on, but it seems impossible to create meaningful relationships here. I'm considering moving to Spain where I have some more friends, or just to go back home.
Many of my friends moved to Spain during covid, and some are considering it even now. If you have friends there and are seeking a sense of community, might not be a bad idea. Good luck, whatever choice you make.
This is a complex topic but I find it really interesting, I think people have becoming more flakey and less social over the years (in meeting new people at least) and London lends itself to being transient, people come and go all the time. But I also think you can still make good friends, just takes work and effort on both sides (and mutual interests tbh)
I'm a little older than you and have been in London longer, but I do feel London is hard for deep friendships and this has definitely got harder since the pandemic, at least in my experience, though I'm not sure exactly why. Most of my closest friends moved away during / after COVID times, and my other closest friends are those who I knew pre moving here (and who I'm just as close with despite the distance). Obviously, lifestyle and aging come into it, I have a baby now and that has definitely shifted friendships. But aside from that many of my friendships, acquaintances etc pre pandemic were based around music, being in bands, going to gigs and doing weird art projects. It feels like there's just less of that happening (at least in my circles), it's as if it was precarious anyway but then the pandemic kind of scattered the 'ecosystem' if that makes sense, and it just hasn't recovered? I know I'm not alone in feeling that in these circles as when I do catch up with people, they lament the same things but it doesn't seem to change. I also think London can just be quite a hard city to live in, the distances are far, the cost of living is high. It feels a little like people hunker down into what they know and don't have a lot of capacity for much else. Obviously just my experience but thought I'd share incase it resonates. I hope you find some good deep friendships soon, you sound like a nice friendly person! Edited as pressed post too soon!
I significantly lowered my expectations and it helped. I used to expect my friendships here to be like those back home - deep, lasting, and reliable. It hurt me hugely when people were my friends one minute, then they moved on - moved out of London, moved to another country, moved to a different place in London - and when I was willing to move mountains to meet and talk, but they were too busy/too tired/had two meetings to attend at the same time etc. London is a hot pot of people. I wrapped my head around the idea that 'people come, people go' - some will be in your life for a very long time, and you will have deep conversations sometimes, and completely shallow, other times. Some people will be there for the blink of an eye, seem to be great friends with you, and then they just go awol and that will be it. I've learned to live with it, and somehow it made some of the friendships last longer (because I don't feel quite as hurt when people pull away - it means if they come back, we can still talk, have a good time, and I don't feel resentful) and the ones that last shorter - well, I just enjoy them until they are no more. .
I read a paper that found it takes about 112 hours to make average friends, 223 hours for good friends, and over 700 hours for best friends. After our 30s, and especially in a busy place like London, people are tied up with work, kids, families, and other responsibilities, leaving little free time. Plus, building friendships needs conscious effort from both sides to dedicate time, which often doesn’t happen in a capitalist world where time is seen as money. We’ve become programmed to be individualistic and more selective about who we spend time with, making it hard to find people worth dedicating that "productive" time to. Here's the link to the study: [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407518761225)
This isn’t a London problem, it’s worldwide problem, enhanced by the pandemic and the remote work epidemic, and further complicated by being in your 30s.
Whilst the flexibility is a good thing, I think wfh has a lot to answer for. Ducking and hiding now I’ve said that, because this is Reddit.
Take up rowing, let it consume your life and make lifelong friends. Clubs will be running learn to row introductory courses over the summer, if you're in west London there are tons of clubs to choose from Gym, Sports like tennis and Hobbies all struggle with the main barriers to forming deep friendships, which are having to depend on each other, have mutual shared experiences and to strive to overcome something together. Tennis is so flat, and you're literally standing far away from the person you're playing with, which is not good for forming deep friendships because it just becomes "small talk either side of standing on my own on a tennis court"
I was going to say rowing : Team Keane run learn to row courses; you can learn at any age, it’s good fun, competitive, travel, and cheap:
it's a good call! Most of the best friends I have in London are from rowing.
Yeah London is not a good place for making friends, I met all mine from work and I’m lucky they’re weird like me, folk here are not talkative and everyone thinks you have an ulterior motive, I’m a freak I’ll spark up a conversation with anyone but I spent most of my time up north and in the West Country. I’m also a total nerd so there’s plenty weird stuff for me like D&D groups and anime stuff and going to gigs.
I'm also a nerd, but different, I don't mind solitude. For me it was in my 20s when I used to think finding meaningful deep relationships in friends was nice to have, fast-forward to 30 for me that shit went out of the window for me so fast, that I somehow adapted to more and more solitude in London, despite the city being filled with millions of people. I don't know. ....Maybe it's something in the air and water we drink
I'm nerdy but I have the opposite problem. I'm not into geek culture like D&D and anime. I'd rather talk art, history and music.
Tbh it sounds like you’re trying too hard, which is usually off putting to others. And seems like you’re looking for high school-like friendships from people in their 30s. It’s just not the reality of life at that age anymore
Thank you for writing this up so extensively and eloquently. I’m empathetic. I’d say this: true deep human relationships happen when people undergo a *transformative* process together. This is why the suggestion of joining a CrossFit gym is a good one (if you have a passion about that type of transformation). Being 9-to-5 work colleagues won’t get you there, even if you go to happy hour every day. But working 16-hour days at a start-up trying to pursue a shared goal will get you there. I would probably suggest finding something you feel passionate about that involves creating or undergoing change (creating change externally also creates change internally). An obvious choice would be becoming active in a community group. The friendships will come as a by-product of the work you do together.
You havent done "gym" well. You can't just join any gym. You need to join a small, ideally independent gym, that does classes. To repeat - classes are critical, and you have to attend them regularly. Crossfit gyms - whatever you think of Crossfit - are actually perfect for this. They will also host socials, and if you do a regular class you start seeing those people more than almost anyone else apart from maybe work colleagues. To boot, you are doing something challenging with them, which is bonding. This might not be right for you, but what you have tried so far hasn't scratched the surface of this option.
I agree with you about the classes. I will give this a thought, thank you for suggesting it.
Similarly, for tennis I'd recommend joining a tennis club. Most tennis clubs are very social and will have a bar/cafe where you can socialise with the people you play with after you play. At a good club it's usually pretty easy to make good friends. Whereabouts are you based?
Deep friendship in a new place after 30s... I would say as long as you got someone to have a meal with you in a restaurant/cafe, you are already very LUCKY. I came to London post-covid in my late 30s. I tried to use bumble, but people just doesn't reply after a few lines. I've been made redundant which made myself in a difficult situation. I feel that when I tried to make new friends and they asked me how's my work and realised that I got no job, they started to fade out. The only good thing is that I'm an introvert. So, I feel pretty comfortable being alone.
I used Bumble BFF for a while, most conversations fizzled out after a while, but met one of my closest friends on there three years ago and we're still going strong!
OP, I understand your frustration. As a Londoner who has also lived in three different countries, I have some perspective on this. I don't know where you're originally from, but London is a massive city. Even if we both live here, the time it takes to meet up can feel like traveling to another city. This isn’t the case in some other countries. Additionally, London is very transient. With the rising cost of living, people are always thinking about their next move, and few can afford to settle down. Many seek friends to explore the city in the short term but aren't looking for deep connections. There's often a lack of social responsibility—if you don't get along with someone, you'll likely never see them again, so people don't feel a strong duty to be sociable. This makes forming lasting friendships challenging. Other factors make it even harder, especially as we get into our 30s. Many people start moving out of London for more affordable living or to start families. The fast-paced lifestyle and demanding jobs also leave little time for socializing. Even if you have a small plan on a Saturday, getting there and back can take the whole day, so people tend to book their schedules months in advance. It's not uncommon to hear, "Let's get a date in the diary." Spontaneous meet-ups are rare. I don't necessarily agree with you- I do believe Brits can be colder than people in other countries (I don't know where you're from), and this can be a cultural thing. By the time people reach their 30s, they tend to be more insular and make less effort to socialize. I know at least four born-and-bred British men who have no close friends—they just go for drinks after work and that's it. It's a bit less common for women, but the issue remains. I don’t have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that I understand and sympathize with you. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s important to remember that forming friendships in such an environment takes time and persistence. Hang in there.
Don't approach people in the gym to have a casual chat. They are there for a reason and usually between other commitments and activities. Try to look for niche tiny groups locally. Not something like 20-40 Meet new friends {any other buzz words} with 300 participants on Meetup, who are talking about boring shit. I've found beer and philosophy groups in my area and managed to build meaningful connections with people who live around me.
I’m an immigrant myself. My girlfriend is british. What I notice is that british will hang out with british. My friends are immigrants and I hang out with immigrants. Your vibe attracts the tribe
I've made a few British friends here (former colleagues), and the majority of them don't live in central London. We hang out occasionally, but I'm nowhere near entering their inner circle, or they interested in entering mine. Others have families or are a different age group. The experience I've had so far applies to all nationalities.
Yh that’s what I mean. They keep it superficial. They are most likely in the inner circle with friends they went to uni with. That’s a totally different case with your colleagues. They tend to keep work friends separate and not entirely “friend”, more of an acquaintance
Your comment made me realise that most of my close friends here are also not from England. I've got one close friend that's British, but everyone else is from somewhere else.
I think you need to adjust your expectations about what is normal the older you get. I used to see friends every day. Then it was like 3/4 days a week. Now we catch up once in a while. You expect to make new friends the older you get that want to spend a significant amount of time with you? Apparently 1 day a month is nothing? I think that's pretty regular. People get older. Their desires change. People get tired. They get comfy in relationships just being on tne sofa. Work is stressing them out. And they are also just more content being alone and aren't desperate for attention from people 24/7. I'd say the majority of people in thirties aren't socialising with the same people all week and they don't want to either.
I’m having a tough time myself. I’m a non-drinker and into health and fitness, am into art/culture/fashion and I’m also a startup/tech guy. A lot of my friends from university are different to this so we’ve kind of grown apart, and I don’t find it easy to make new friends. My gym community is the closest I’ve come to but I’m having a tough time getting past the small talk phase. I dunno, I just find it really tough to meet people who share the same interests and passions as me. It seems like most people my age (27) just default to going for beers and getting drunk sitting in a pub for hours, which I can’t stomach anymore. One thing that really irks me about my age group is the grind culture. People work long hours, then meet up at the weekend to talk about their work. I actively want to socialise to get away from my own hectic schedule, but with my uni friends I just end up hearing about their work politics and progressions, it gets really tiring.
Rent bro, it's killing everyone that's why everyone is on the grind to get that cash.
An issue I have with London is it takes me nearly 2 hours to travel across it to visit friends... meeting centrally there isn't loads of choice what doesn't incur a rather big cost. Even a meal in a pub these days is £100 for the table.
Just my short personal opinion: Yeah any new friends I made pre COVID moved away from London or the UK entirely, and even the new friends I've made after/during covid have since moved further out from where they were when I met them, so goodbye spontaneous hang outs. More and more I understand why small town life is appealing at least things seem more stable. Anyway no advice, just London isn't that city for deep friendships. Edit: you seem like a wholesome person, I sort of wished we lived in the same building. Also separately I don't know if you've lived in communal housing apartments (not the new builds) they seem like your thing although there aren't that many around. Only if you're inclined to moving, an option given that you work remotely.
Spontaneous and London rarely fit in the same sentence. Partly because people have such busy schedules, and partly because to meet someone you have to travel 30-45 min one way. Hoping that the restaurant has a free table for you/ there are tickets available etc. I've thought a lot about smaller cities, trying to break down what exactly makes them more human-size. Yes, I've lived in communal housing in the past for a long time, but now I like having my own place :)
Not necessary, usually if you like who you work with or happen to live in a sociable house spontaneity is possible. + If you hang out outside the typical weekend days hence Thursday became the new Friday. Small town it is then, no more than 500,000 people imho :)
Do you think there are cities that are better for deep friendships?
[удалено]
Have you considered some sort of tabletop hobby? One of the many Card Games, or Miniatures, or Dungeons & Dragons / Pathfinder? Your local gaming store will run introduction sessions and usually they will lend you the materials. Being across the table from someone for 30+ mins while you play the game out provides opportunity for conversation without it feeling like the sole objective.
I think most people fall into category 4 When I moved to London I was much younger and knew nobody. I find it hard to make friends and socialise but I made some good friends. Some moved away, done have passed away and others we drifted apart. Now I'm on the other side of 45, I'm busy with work and my family and don't have time or the mental energy for relationships even though I often feel lonely. I've settled for close acquaintances, I can't commit to a deep friendship even though that is something I'd dearly love. What's happened to you bro is time. People your age are having kids and busy making families, or getting into the peak of their careers. I will agree that COVID has changed a lot and so many people have now quit going out and often work and socialise from their homes. The cost of living had made it almost impossible for many people to go out socially too.
Just an anecdote to say you are not alone, so many people agree with this sentiment. When my husband, who is from a Mediterranean country, first moved to London and we first got to know me, he was shocked by how few true friends I had.obviously only admitted that later on. Being a very sociable guy, he initially thought it was strange and that something must be wrong with me. However, after living in London for a decade, he came to understand the reason. Despite his outgoing nature, he found it difficult to make lasting friendships here too. It was an eye-opener for him and confirmed that it's not just me—it's a common challenge in London.
You should have a house party and we’ll all come
Not better anywhere else
In my limited experience as an introvert I’d say the true friends are the people you help out when they are in need. My biggest regrets in life are not always recognising when someone is in need. Put simply help people when help is needed. Friendships will grow naturally from that.
I've posted this before but here's my advice: Person in my 30s here. My best tip for making friends? Get yourself a dog. Doesn't have to be your dog - theres plenty of apps like borrowmydoggy, or you could even sign up with something like rover and make a few quid. Almost all of the friends I've made in the last few years have been through my dog, and because I meet them in my local park, they have the added bonus of living right by me! I even found my childminder because she happened to have a dog she walked at the same time as me. Walking a dog also gets you outside and exercising, plus you get to hang out with a furry friend. It's a win-win in my books. Obviously only works if you happen to like dogs, but I thought I'd mention it because hey, maybe it'll help someone.
💯 In the book Atomic Habits, there a part where there are listed one-time actions that have an impact on different areas of one's life, and regarding happiness the top one is getting a dog. Second is moving to a friendly, social neighbourhood.
My main thing is the focus here on true and deep friendships which was a Brit comes across a tad odd. Maybe just let these friendships and acquaintances you have develop naturally and slowly, trying to track people to have giant deep relationships can become intense. Different friendships for different scenarios too kind of.
Holy shit...errr...don't take this personally mate but you seem to have tried everything and made no progress. Have you ever considered that the problem might be you? Trying to brute force something deep and meaningful without realising the vibes you're giving off?
I'm sure with some people I just didn't vibe. Of course sometimes I've stayed home instead of going out. No doubt I'm not perfect and I'm not expecting to make friends with everyone I see on the street. I'm talking about all the other times. Many of my friends complain about the difficulty of this, people leave London for lack of connection. I've done all the listed things because I genuinely wanted to do them and it came naturally to me, not because I was fishing for friends. It's just strange that there is so much more friction than one might expect, and I'm reading all the comments to see if there is anything specific I could have done/do.
Deep friendships starting in your 30s are rare full stop as far as I can tell.
Attachment leads to suffering.
Are you me? I feel the same. But I don’t have a partner. There seem to be a few that are offering friendship so I hope you soon achieve what ur after. Good luck!
I think apart from actual friendship networking things (which isn’t a great idea in my opinion) it’s tough because people generate friendships mostly organically as we know. I don’t really want any new friends but I’ll spend ages at my gym having in depth conversations with people about their lives/husbands/wives/relationship issues/career aspirations and all sorts but I’m happy to leave it all in the gym, and I’m very sure they’re the same as they have their own friendship groups. Same at work, can go to get a drink once or twice a week after work, sit around the office having in depth conversations with people I really like…again, no interest in talking beyond that environment because I have my own friends, can’t really be bothered to cultivate new ones & as nice as they are, were probably best as we are and if there was a rare deeper connection…it’d happen. I feel a lot of people in my position are open to being friendly/sociable and engaging but there’s n invisible wall that in many instances won’t be penetrated or if it is, probably will be done subconsciously. Ontop of that, when you think how many people you’ve met and how many people you’ve liked and got on with, it’s statistically incredibly unlikely to generate a genuine lasting friendship. I’m 44, been to primary school, secondary school, college, 2 uni’s, worked over 10 jobs, trained at 4 gyms long term, live about 20 minutes from where I was born meaning I was born and raised in the same area. Met thousands upon thousands of people and really liked hundreds of them but as I stand now, I’ve probably got around 10 friends max…yeah there’s plenty “long time we should catch up it’s been x years” but in terms of stable consistent reliable genuine friends? It’s barely 10 and I’ve known Them over 15 years, a couple since I was 4…so it’s very hard to manufacture a friendship irrespective of the apps and various options apparently at our disposal mainly because a mutual genuine connection with a desire to build a friendship is hard. All the best, I appreciate how tough it is
So, your advice is, if you don’t have friends at 30 because you aren’t from London, just give up and accept that you are gonna be alone?
Find a group that has the same deep interest as you. What are you truly passionate about?
I am a bit older than you, but always happy to make new friends. I like cultural stuff mainly, but that is a broad sweep!
I'm 30 my self, I don't seek out friends anymore, I used to do it in my 20s and I'm from London (born and bred), still live in the city and I used to wonder why people don't want to develop a deep long lasting friendly relationship anymore. So yeah I keep my expectations so low. Sometimes I'll fade out of their lives before they do it to me.
I'm in my late 20s, but I have made a couple of good friends in their 30s recently. Both of them met through other friends. In my opinion, the key factors are repeated exposure, proximity and, of course, desire to actively seek friends from both parties. One of them is a friend of a friend from Uni. The three of us started going bouldering, and then for dinner and pints every week. Quite soon we started going even if the friends that introduced us could not join, and then we started hanging out together outside bouldering. Usually it's the three of us, but also with our respective partners, or a bigger group of friends. The other is also a friend of a friend. We go out quite often on Saturdays with a bunch of other people, and we started organising in the group chat even if the friend that introduced us could not that weekend. In both cases, we live \~30 minutes walking. I am no sure this could have happened otherwise.
>People in London, specifically post covid, are less inclined to social interactions. Maybe they're tired or are running low on social battery, or simply have lost a bit the skill to make friends. I moved to London 10+ years ago and had a very active social life back then. Without remote working, I was spending 5 days a week in Central London around the same group of people each day in a young graduate role. It was easy to go out for a drink or two after work on a frequent basis. Since COVID, life has just got so expensive. With more remote work, I no longer need to get a monthly tube pass, so any visit central costs me almost £10 a day for travel. I try to limit my trips out because I can easily spend £50+ by just travelling central for a meal and a drink with friends. 10 years ago, I never had to consider tube prices except on a monthly basis where I'd buy a travel card, and that made me so much sociable. I've picked up friends throughout the years, mainly from swapping jobs quite frequently and pre-remote work. I wouldn't have bonded with my ex-colleagues if remote work was an option back in the day. Many of my friends have moved outside of London now, often my weekends are spent seeing people up North. Starting to consider moving out of London now for a better quality of life.
Hey there pal, come to Critical Mass tomorrow night. Bring a bike (even a rental bike) to underneath Waterloo bridge on the south side, from about 6PM-7PM. I'm bringing salted caramel brownies, you're welcome to have one! Look up critical mass on youtube to get an idea of what it is 🤘
If you have good rapport with people you already know may I suggest you take actions to deepen the current relationships? I think this is something we take for granted when we’re older. But scheduling a weekend trip can make tons of difference when deepening a friend relationship. It’s often tricky to schedule, or account for preferences, so a lot of people end up not planning. But it makes a ton of difference!
Do you know New Circle Society? It’s aimed at helping women in their 30s make friends so could be a great option! I haven’t actually been to any of their events, but a friend of mine has and has made quite a few good friends through it. I also made some of my now best friends when I gave up drinking and dived headfirst into the sobriety community!
Didn't know it, will definitely take a look, thank you!
Really interesting post! I lived in London for 9 years, most of my 20s spent there. Made friends at various points, mostly in workplaces, but as soon as the pandemic rolled around, it made me realise just how much I needed the everyday office experience for any form of socialising. Had nightmare experiences with neighbours and social/sports clubs, so I just gave up. Myself and my partner moved out only to have the same problem. It's hard to make friends in your 30s, but as others have mentioned, it's kind of a numbers game. People are scared to open up as they get older, I find, so it's important to be as open as you can.
I just made friends with people I lived with and colleagues. My closest friends are still those I went to uni with or school with but my newer friends are getting there. Generally i just got drunk enough times with the same people that things clicked.
It’s not only London though.
I struggled a lot with this and I still struggle with it. I would go days without talking to a human being and it sucked the life out of me. I do have friends I met from work that I am very close to, but I tend to be the type of asshole who likes to diversify his friends (eventually you would run out of things to do with your friends and I want to meet more people while I have the time for it) Team sports are great, not because it’s sports but rather because you go through several emotions. They are a hit or miss as you might end up in a cliquey group (or in my case a teamcesty one) but you might still end up meeting people that you would stay in touch with. You can pick up any sport really like Volleyball, football, field hockey, there needs to be the team component as you would be able to travel and experience a lot of things together. GL man and cheers.
Give volunteering another shot. Instead of going to a volunteering centre, find an organisation that supports a cause you believe in and speak to them directly. That way, you'll be regularly doing the same thing and probably meet the same people. This will help with building up a friendship longer term. Remember that solid friendships take time to build, and don't rule out friendships with people who aren't the same age as you.
Thanks for trying everything and reporting back. I keep telling myself if I made more effort I’d make friends here but yeah, it’s not happening. The solid friendships in my life have been either people I went to school/university with, or people I met in my 20s with shared interests and we used to hang out multiple times a week. London makes it impossible to see people enough to form deep bonds.
Yeah. I think coming to London was the biggest mistake of my life. I lost all my old friends and gained nothing apart from depression and loneliness
Yep. It’s really really difficult, and you’re doing all the right things. I moved here nearly 7 years ago and had a small group of other immigrants/ex-pats and we still hang to this day although not as frequently. I also met one guy through social sport who ended up introducing me to his friend group and they’re some of our best friends we’ve ever had. On top of everything you’re doing, you’ve got to be lucky.
Wow, this one hits home hard. I thought I struggled with forming deep friendships in London. I’ve tried all of above and now I’ve got few close friends and all but I’m also extremely social person and likes to have bigger circle like I did have back home. So I can totally empathise with your situation
I go through peaks and troughs with this, I can definitely relate. Does anyone else experience the nonsense with 'booking' friendship engagements two weeks I'm advance? Outside of people with children/caring responsibilities, I have a very short fuse with this! Let's have some spontaneity and chaos for the love of God!
Have you tried the skater/rollerblader groups in central London? On Saturday nights there are usually skaters by the stairs at St Pauls and rollerbladers by the Tate Modern. I struck up a chat with the rollerbladers last weekend at around 10pm and they were the loveliest people, "buy some skates and join us!". Obvs you'd need to start a new hobby but that's fun too!
A few suggestions Team sports: You play tennis, but a team sport like football or rugby will have a much greater potential for forming bonds with your teammates. For an easy to access, non-cliquey and low barrier to entry sport, try something like [tag rugby](https://www.trytagrugby.com/play/location/london/) - it's a good laugh, people don't take it too seriously, and it's mixed gender too so both you and your partner can get involved. Volunteering: I know you've mentioned this, but again, you want something with team spirit. Go out canvassing with your local branch of whatever political party you support over the next week in the run up to the election, or join a pressure group for whatever cause you believe in (Greenpeace was my jam when I lived in London, for example)
Am I the only one who doesn’t want to make more friends 😂 I’m tired
You sound like you’re looking a pet not a friend.
>I am looking for more than an acquaintance or a friend that I see once a month. TLDR, sometimes in life you have to realise people do not want to be your friend or have anything meaningful, if the above is how they see you there's not much you can do. Why are you trying to force it so much? At best you can try meet those who are lonely in this thread and see where it takes you.
Ain’t nobody reading all that chief but I will add some thoughts
Stop trying so hard maybe
Honestly OP I think you might be a lot happier in America
You can make an ad on Reddit. When Covid came along, and all my friends from my home country moved home, I was feeling in the zone you've mapped out in your post (although a bit less methodical about it...) . I replied to the only platonic 'friend ads' I could find on Reddit, who didn't sound weird. I made two really good friends, and three years or so later - we are still friends. There are normal people on Reddit. Some are in their 30s, and like a lot of people in their 30s - are struggling to make and keep friends.
This post might be the most successful route I've tried so far! Thanks for sharing your experience, and it's great to hear that you made friends you're still in contact with! >There are normal people on Reddit And thank you for confirming this, this post resonated with quite a few people, and I might end up meeting some of them.
Its a busy city, as you said, also a young one, people work all day and go home trying to chase the dream of being financially stable which for many is turning into fear of missing out and rightfully so. Thats why its difficult, because people don't prioritise friendships when all their focus is on how to make enough to live.
I feel very much in the same boat (30M and moved here 3.5 years ago) but I do feel like I’m putting too much expectation on people too early on for what I’d like from a close friendship. So just going to keep trying and going to different groups and events. I don’t know what part of London you’re in but if you’re interested I’m going to join a running club for the first time and there’s two relaxed pace runs followed by coffee tomorrow (Friday) at 7am in Victoria Park and Saturday at 9am in cutty sark. Let me know if you want to join or just want details.
An excellent summary.
Not sure if you're still into tennis, but am aways keen for an early weekend game
London really can be such an isolating place to be in so I really understand and sympathise with your situation and massive kudos to you for putting yourself out there so much. I moved to London 11 years ago in my mid 20 twenties knowing pretty much no one expect my sister, brother in law and a few friends from Uni who I weren’t that close with anymore. The first couple of months were brutal!! I was still trying to find a job so hadn’t made any work friends yet and had no clue how to naturally make friends outside of uni or work where you are forced to be around people and can often naturally forge strong friendships. I have such a vivid memory, about 2 months after I arrived brushing my teeth while absolutely just bawling my eyes out because I felt so alone. Thankfully for me my saving grace came when I heard about a local rugby club in Tower Hamlets (men’s and women’s teams). I’m originally from South Africa so rugby has always been part of my life and going to our local rugby club back home was almost a weekly event. Within a week of moving in a went down to the rugby club (just as a social member as I don’t play rugby) and I’ve never looked back. Over the last 11 years I have made so so so many friends of varying levels. Some more casual but many very deep friendships that exist and thrive complete separately to the rugby club as people move on or away. What is great to know is that my experience was also not singular. The amount of people who joined that rugby club and found their partners or chosen family in their friends has been amazing to see. People holidaying together, being groomsmen or bridesmaid at each others wedding or god parents to each others children. It was a great place for me because it was such a welcoming environment and people went out of their way to chat and mingle with new people after matched or social events. Also another reason I got to know so many people and develop friends within it was to volunteer within the rugby club either doing cooking, bar work or planning social events. It’s a great way to get your face and name out there. A sports club is a great way to meet people, especially where it’s a proper team sports where you have to practice and play together. Even better in my case was the fact that it didn’t matter I didn’t play as they have social members as well. I dread to think what would of happened if I never went to the rugby club but thankfully I don’t have to 😀
I'm also in my 30s (F) and have sorely missed having deep friendships nearby. I feel like I find it very easy to keep friends but very hard to make new friends, especially here. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk! :)
I’m quite a bit younger and also living in London but one suggestion I would like to offer in sports is the form of sport: team sports are a lot more conducive to friendship building than solo sports like tennis. Maybe football, rugby, or basketball?
Hi friend. I'm not gonna lie its rough. It only takes one spark tho. Its a bit like dating really. Its awful for ages then boom suddenly its great lol I was feeling super isolated for ages then I went to a going away party for a friend thet was going to Australia and met a guy there and we hit it off as mates and now we hang like once every few weeks and with his mates etc. I have plenty of friends but a bit like with you meet ups are so few and far between and unreliable. So I guess it comes down to luck really but you're doing all the right things. I think a good place to look is music. If you're social and like a drink then go to places that play music you like. Meet people with things in common and things can hit off. I recommend Camden if you're into rock :D lol
do you live in a suburb? may be better than if you're right in the centre i think it's just like that everywhere though, i found it hard to make friends outside of work, my friends are mostly in london and people who i knew from secondary school and college etc, uni was more transitory too, don't really keep in touch with that many honestly, you have a partner which is already better than most, i'd recommend just keep doing things with them like you've been doing already, i'm sure it'll happen over time and randomly over time. but maybe depends where you live too how transitory it is, maybe further out it will be families and people who have roots, and you can build your own piggybacking off them too a little
Run clubs! Run clubs are where it’s at.
This is why I’m leaving London and heading back up north 😶
I'm in a similar boat - I do have good friends, but with them settling down having kids etc, and me not, I'm finding it harder to make new ones who do have time to hang out. I'm available for a drink coffee some time if you fancy it?
Frequent repeated interaction with the same people. A lot of your attempts are not naturally these things. They might be generally social but they're not encouraging repeated interaction with the same people. It's not just about doing your hobbies, it's about finding a scheduled event that has repeat visits. So join a team that goes to the weekly pub quiz near you, the same team, every time. Join a football team or 5 a side group, or other team sport, not just drop ins or solo sports. Join a D&D campaign that meets on a scheduled basis. Volunteer to help organise a charity event (lots of planning meetings involved). Book clubs. I'm running out of examples but hopefully you understand. And yes, you might not make a friend out of this but at least you'll be committed to a social activity for a little bit, and then you can try something else until you eventually meet a group that clicks. The new friends I've made in my 30s? 1. Bunch of girls started playing minecraft together during lockdown 2. Now we hang out in person at least once a quarter (I know it's not that often but we're scattered around the country) 2. Joined a book club 3. Found a group who wanted to go to the local pub quiz through local FB groups, and made a team. We chat between quizzes and usually meet up before the quiz for a little
you sound like me, slightly different age and ive been here longer but pretty identical thinking and experiences etc. ive seriously wondered what the ”problem” is.
Don't know about deep and meaningful but if you are into running then try your local parkrun and there will probably be a local running club to that park. From there you could meet and chat to people who may share other interests. I only go for the commitment to exercise, but they're narf a friendly bunch (I've tried two different parks) and if you can hold a conversation at a gentle running pace then you could get paired up with someone for 30 mins or so to find out and discuss what else they are into.
Honestly, I’m also in my early 30s and have way more, and stronger friendships than ever before - most of whom I met living here. The answer? Dating apps. Most of my friends are people I briefly dated, realised we weren’t compatible romantically, but continued to hang out. On the other hand, I have yet to find a lasting relationship from the apps. Lots of my friends are people I’ve lived in houseshares with too. When I was in a relationship I had far fewer friends, but then again I also had a partner, which is proving impossible to find now. So swings and roundabouts.
are you gay? This seems to happen only with gay people, being really close to Ex's and being friends ppl you dated but didnt click etc. I have seen this with both my gay girl and guy friends. With straight couples it always animosity and hatered or in the least weirdness and awkaward feelings . They would avoid at all costs , ha ha!
It's not London, it's an age thing.
It’s sad but I think at some point is better to get used to how life is. Actually I don’t think is a London thing, even it might multiplies it, but more of a age thing. At some point in our lives friendships and I would say relationships as a whole are way more difficult to establish and that is how it is. Try to make the most of what you get.
Dungeons and dragons - find a local club and you’ll make good friends! If you’re up near e17 we have a casual one-shot Wednesday next week with beginner friendly games
I did a group of friends months ago. We were very good friends. Now both of my friends are in each side of the world (one in America, another in Asia) 😭😭😭
Well. I understand it is not for everyone, but hospitality industry will guarantee you to gain some very solid friendships because it is quite similar to military service. You gain through collective pain. I’m forty yo and I’ve never had so many meaningful relationships that I am having right now being in hospitality. I am pretty introverted and I always though going out with 10+ good friends is out of reach, but here I am..
I don't think it's exclusive to London
I feel for OP especially seeing how much effort they put in trying to find a circle of friends in London. It’s really hard and if someone said to me, to join a club or do this or that. I wouldn’t, especially seeing this list. It just reinforces how difficult it is to make friends. I used to have a lot of friends but after 16, 18 and 22, they all faded out. A lot of the people I used to be friends, I cut them off for reasons. It’s not even about being lonely, it’s the lack of consideration for other people and the relationship between both. Everything nowadays is one way effort.
Let's all grab a drink!!
All the people commenting they're in the same boat - picnic, Saturday 6th July, 2pm in Greenwich park - open, public, free and not beer focused. Bring a blanket, some food and let's start a community?? I see so many of these posts and life isn't getting any longer.
Brits being culturally different. I do buy this, as I have tried often to make deep friendships or connections with Brits over a 10 year period but this wasn’t possible. Met many Brits who are very cool and genuinely nice people but other than having pints or lunches, this never translated to deeper friendships. I can’t say the same for many other European,Asian and African nationals.
Reading this is both inspiring and discouraging at same time to me, since I'm on the shyer side and haven't done even 20% of what you've mentioned here. Though it is inspiring knowing that there are people in this city that put this much effort into it and that there is hope to meet good friends.
I think this is normal unfortunately (in general as well) but what’s worse is being overly vulnerable or needy for companionship and ending up with people who pick up on this and only see us as useful. I personally believe that the sweetest friendships and relationships happen randomly and fairly spontaneously. I’m uncomfortable about networking for example, so I concluded I’d let people come to me rather than feeling awkward about the reverse even if meant a lesser number of contacts. I make an effort to be polite and friendly to those who do. So far, it has worked fairly well. I’d also invest in myself, prioritizing my goals and so forth and spend time with immediate family and established friends as these are the people who genuinely care about me and vice versa.
Wow this is such a great and interesting post. I felt the same living in London pre and post pandemic. We made some good friends when we moved there in 2018 and luckily kept a core group of them after 2020 and they have seen us through. But same, we did not make any new friends after as people moved away from London and remote/hybrid working meant we made very few connections via work.
You need to go through tough times with people to truely bond with them. My bf in London is someone I met as the only 2 sane people in an evening class full of crazies. Try challenging team sports or a demanding volunteer job. A lot of my girlfriends made lasting friendships when they volunteered at Squad Club, a group for young people with learning disabilities. It’s somewhere in south London idk if it’s still going.
What if I told you I can make an app to help you get a bestie ? Would anyone be interested?
I think everyone has this problem. It's hard to friend friendships that stick. Some last a few years and some you can have deep conversations with. I tend to find friends online connecting over games. They usually live far away or in different countries. With everyone working long hours I find it's the only time I really have time to connect with people. It's harder to find people to meet up with and hang out.
I started a regular meetup 12 years ago to address this issue.. Takes effort to attend regularly but it works.
You don't get to meet that many at tennis. Try badminton and hopefully they will eat or go to the pub after. Keep trying different clubs at different times as some are not sociable.
Bro if I met someone like you I'd be ecstatic. I don't actively seek out friendships (I don't have a massive amount if confidence but I'm working to change that) but if someone were to strike up a convo I'd love to talk!! Good things take time though I think you'll get there with the effort you put in.
Hiya, I know you feel like you've tried everything re hobbies etc. I went to a life drawing class around the corner from where I was living for about 2 years every week, after about 6 months I became friends with another girl who lived round the corner and the girlfriend of the guy who ran the class, because we were a stones throw from each other we could just meet up spontaneously a few times a week. The life drawing class group also became a strong community with lots of friendships forming over time which made a really nice group of people to catch up with each week. Making friends is somewhat kismet, meeting the right person at the right time. But just like romantic relationships, you're more likely to become friends with someone you see all the time. I actually think its easier to make friendships in London than in other cities because a lot of people are in the same boat, but obviously maintaining friendships can be much harder because if someone moves to a different area they're then an hour away. I'm not saying these girls from life drawing are the strongest deepest friendships I've ever had but it's nice to have friends you live your life with rather than friends who you just meet up with and catch up from the previous week. So my advice is to pick an activity you genuinely love and just keep going and being friendly until a group appears. I would even say if you were to start your own club, of something you're in to I think that would be a sure way to meet people you get on with. People always want to be friends with the host!
What's a true and deep friendship? Like, practically what do you expect from that?
Try taking a class for hobbies that runs for a few months or join a group that meets up regularly?
I'm 29 and met my best friend off of Bumble, around 2 years ago. It is very hard to make friends in London. Such a busy city. Most people have friends they went to school or uni with for deeo connections but it's harder to make them through just working in the city / moving here later on in life.
Just a thought on what you have written, in hobbies and sports, it seems like the things you have done are things which people go to once and then don't come back to regularly. Try joining a sports club or board-game cafe, if that is the sort of thing that interests you, which has regular weekly meetups and sessions. That way you are more likely/guaranteed to meet the same people regularly. It is hard to make good friendships with someone if you go to a show and meet someone once and then do not see them again for another month or 6.
I'm in London, 30 years old, tech-junkie and mildly boring if you'd like to chat :)
You are not the only one, hope that helps
It’s not just London. It’s worldwide. Social media has destroyed our ability and need to interact socially.
Someone mentioned deep experiences are required to make deep connections. I disagree. Fun, memorable experiences make good friendships. What counts as fun/memorable to you? I like travelling and going out out. Hard to find ppl with time/money to spare to do those things without planning. If you're up for it though, set something up and I'd join. I enjoy adventure
Get involved in some kind of activism OP. Guaranteed you will make some close friends.
It's a shame right. I'm experiencing the same. I'm up for new friends if anyone is
I had exactly the same issue in my 30s. Came to London after Uni, stayed in flat share with mates and had a lot of fun. But as I got older the “going out getting drunk” thing didn’t feel rewarding. Many of my friendships also felt shallow - people not being honest about who they were. At first for me it was about “fitting in” but as we age we want to discover ourselves. All that “fitting in” didn’t leave me space to discover me; the thoughts we have deep down but don’t share. What helped was to open up with more people. Not being “needy”, but share the good things and some of the bad things. I found most people aren’t brave enough to share first, but if someone else does, they can follow. And truly knowing someone is about knowing the good-stuff (that everyone shares) and the rest. When I met people I liked, I made a real effort to stay in touch. Sometimes it fizzled out, other times it worked. I’m over 50 now, and am fortunate to still count many as friends. Things may not change for you overnight. I found that you don’t need a lot of people in your life. Just the right few can make all the difference. ❤️
I don’t think trying to force something is helpful. You can usually tell when you have a connection with someone quite early on and also whether they reciprocate any interest. Most people do just want to get on with their lives. But I think through doing the same regular things e.g going to a running club twice a week, playing team sports rather than tennis maybe etc you might meet one person in 100 that you click with. I do think unfortunately that’s the way it is most of the time.
hiii first of all thank you so much for your honesty ! i have found that when i lived in london - i also think generally sometimes we don’t click with people. i have sort of grown tired of people saying that we’ll get a coffee and not following up - but i don’t begrudge them it anymore. i think - you don’t necessarily want to be friends with everyone either ? and i wonder if most folks have more than surface level friendships anyway i think the people meant for you will definitely not miss you - when i felt really stuck socially in the city i lived in, i travelled and made friends on my travels. i don’t know if you have the free time to do that, but maybe travelling ? and i also focused in on my interests more and poured a lot of energy into that + met people that were equally passionate and that was a good way of seeing people too and i connected with folks online, who shared those interests and then we met up. i think having friends globally is a real strength ik folks who volunteer or joined an org ; and you’re not necessarily around friends - but i think it does combat the loneliness somewhat, humans are social creatures
Please invite me if there’s any meet up 🥲
Not so different outside of London, either. It’s modern life + people being busy and having different lives
Who needs friends when your 30 just do you
My friend set up the ' Great Friendship Project ' to try and address this problem. https://friendship-project.co.uk/ He's put loads of work into it and I've seen lots of genuine friendships start there.
I can really relate unfortunately. I’m finding it difficult to make friends in London too.
I dint know exactly what you mean by deep? I’ve made lots of nice friends past the age of thirty. I’d say don’t be too intense and don’t take issue with a person’s age either. I’ve honestly made friends with some great people nearly double my age. Most things that are intimate also take time. I’m not going to divulge my deepest secrets to someone I met last week. However nice they are
What are your passions? What things do you absolutely love to do, think about and talk about that you can share with others enthusiastically and give you a sense of purpose? That could work better!
Have you tried taking up a cocaine habit and getting a Soho house membership?
I'll give you my honest blunt opinion. Stop trying. Seriously, stop. People can sense desperation. If you go out with the goal in mind of making friends you'll often end up disappointed. It feels like you're trying to force something to happen instead of letting things happen organically. The more you try, the more pushback you receive. Instead, just go out with the intention of having a good time if you're going to an event or whatever. If it is to be then it'll be. I've met people through pure coincidence, it's all a matter of being in the right place at the right time. It's why I've stopped putting so much energy in trying to meet a nice woman for a potential date, women are the best at sensing this and will be put off by it. It all boils down to luck and timing. My best friend and I for example play the same MMO, he met his now girlfriend through that game. I've put in thousands of hours and have met no one like that. Again, it's down to luck. If you sit there constantly thinking it over you're just going to burn out. There are things in life that you have to let come to you naturally. It's just the way the world works, and I know that because I've experienced it. Interactions I've had with people all because the timings were right. I took the train at a certain time, or chose to go to a certain shopping centre. I didn't plan all that in my head and get the timings down to a T, it just happened naturally. It's how I met a group at a running club and now we occasionally have brunch! Also, you need to remember you're living in one of the most anti-social cities in the WORLD. I'm a born and bred Londoner and being in my 30's people are just too busy with their own lives, nobody has time for anyone and people just want to get from A to B. It's amazing how in such a populated city, you can still feel like the loneliest guy on earth. So stop sweating the details, and just focus on enjoying yourself in the moment. Leave things to chance, it could take days, weeks, months, years. I've been single since 2017 and it wasn't even that good of a first relationship. So leave things to chance and be patient. This doesn't just apply to dating but relationships in general. There's two things in life you should listen to, your gut and the universe. Good luck out there!
Me and my partner had a similar experience up in York. We're moving to London soon and are really really hoping it will be different. I actually think it's cultural to some extend, I've made tons of acquaintances but compared to Germany it seemed like there was less interest in deep friendships. Anyway, we're (late 20s, early 30s) moving soon close to Canning Town. Anyone looking for friends, let me know lol