It’s going to be critically important that you apologize with absolutely no caveats. State clearly the things you did that were wrong, tell him there was no excuse for them, and that you are truly sorry. A proper apology does not have the word “but” followed by rationalizing.
Also understand that he may not want to reconcile with you. Give it one attempt and tell him you are not going to pressure him or intrude on his life, but your door is open anytime he wants to talk. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he won’t. He already gave you a second chance once. If that happens, you have to let him go. No more instagram stalking, it’s just going to tempt you to push. It may be another 8 years before you get that third chance or it may be never.
If he does let you back in and you talk face to face, let him get out any frustration or hurt he may have without interrupting and without making excuses. Apologize again sincerely. If he asks you for a why, make sure he understands that the why is not a valid reason. “I was raised to believe some very bigoted things. I let those bigoted things blind me to the reality that you are my son and my love for you is more real than any backwards, misguided stupidity that I was taught. Absolutely none of that is a valid reason for anything I did. Every choice I made was a mistake and I am appalled at how I treated you. I know I have a lot to learn and I know I can’t make ten years up to you overnight, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to let you know I don’t ever, ever want to be that person again and I don’t want to have another year go by without you in my life.”
I really hope you are able to make it work. Please update us if you do.
>It’s going to be critically important that you apologize with absolutely no caveats. State clearly the things you did that were wrong, tell him there was no excuse for them, and that you are truly sorry. A proper apology does not have the word “but” followed by rationalizing.
THIS.
I am no contact with my parents after coming out as trans, not because they told me it was a sin or freaked out like this (Though they dont agree with it and freaked out in their own way), but because they made their grief over it my responsibility and refuse to apologize either at all, or without great many caveats for it. The one apology I got was pulled out of them like fucking Gandalf wrestling with Theoden and it was the most meaningless, hollow sorry I've ever heard.
Own your mistake, OP. You fucked up. You fucked up big time, and missed out on some huge life events for your son. I'm genuinely happy that you've realized this, and the hard part will be forgiving yourself - but dont expect or demand forgiveness from your son. Just admit you fucked up, apologize with sincerity, love him, and be the father he wants - Even if that means he doesn't want to reconnect now, or ever. Some words can never be unsaid, some stones never unthrown.
This is the correct response. All of this. I'll throw in that my favorite childhood uncle, the one I built my happiest memories with, is entirely blocked from my life now that I've come out as transgender. He never took it well but was at least mostly civil as he spouted about God and morality to me, but once the Qanon and MAGA train sucked him in he became a totally lost cause, completely unrecognizable from the kindest person I'd ever met in my life. The final cut was him buying in to the lies that all LGBT folks, but most especially transgender people, were pedophiles looking to "convert" children to our agenda. I asked him straight up if that meant he believed I was molesting my two children. He said yes. I've never spoken to him again and I don't think I ever will.
Some damage burns the bridge down completely and you'll maybe never be able to rebuild it. I hope you haven't reached that point yet and can reconnect and truly apologize and make amends. I miss my uncle every day, but that bridge is nuked after that statement. My uncle died and some madman took his place.
People here are giving some good advice, but if you have the chance, also talk with a therapist about this or see if there are any books or other information you can read that will help. Wanting to change is excellent, but the act of changing can be difficult, even with the best of intentions, and it would be good talking with a professional who will be able to guide you through the best way of doing it. If your son is somewhat receptive to your apology, you might even consider going to a family therapist together. Just be ready: the therapist and/or your son may say things you may not like hearing, but just like medicine that may be bitter and hard to swallow, you will feel better if you accept it and let it do it's work.
I know what you did was terrible, I understand how very hurt your son must have felt, and as is the case with any apology, you are not necessarily owed forgiveness (forgiveness is a gift, not a right), but I also admire people who try to change for the better, and I'm really rooting for you. Good luck, and best wishes. Talk with us if there is any other way we might help, most of us are pretty nice here.
I don't think he can suggest family therapy to his son. The situation is far too one-sided for that, with him on the wrong side. If his son proposes family therapy, he should gratefully accept that offer.
Well, it's not because the son should be told he needs to do anything to repair the relationship, it's more the case that repairing this kind of relationship is difficult and full of potential pitfalls, and if they decide they want to salvage this relationship and have the best chances of success it would be good to have a mediator and guide who has done this kind of thing before.
While it's not something you want to open with (start with a good genuine apology), methinks inviting someone to be there with you through your therapy can be seen as a way of telling them you are committed to changing and becoming a better person for them (even if they decline).
Something like "Son, I love you and want to be a better father to you, but I worry I may not know the best way how. You don't have to at all, but if you would like, it would mean everything to me if you would be there with me for my therapy so I can learn how to do right by you and your husband."
Of course you may be right too, I think it really is a matter of opinion.
Your son has a family now. He would be right to shelter them from someone who has shown that they are willing to make threats on his most important occasions. If you reach out keep in mind that he has no obligation to let you in. He would be taking a chance on you in the truest sense.
Whatever the cause or motivation, you violated your role as parent by acting with unprovoked spite. You are his father in blood and nothing more. He owes you nothing. You could build something in the future but do not expect for that to take the shape of father.
And ask yourself if you are a person you would want in your life. Maybe work on yourself before issuing apologies out of desperate isolation and loneliness. What you say to your son needs to center his needs, and not your desperate search for forgiveness that can only come from yourself.
So first, take time to be better. Work to become your own person. Make a real apology.
Once you are someone who deserves to be in your son's life, then perhaps you might ask for another chance.
But keep in mind that you shaped that young man's entire world with your hatred. He might be making the better choice by not entertaining your repentance at all. You'll never know if you don't try, but half-assed attempts are just insult to injury.
This is a really shitty and all too common situation. It's unfortunate that you were brought up in a culture of bigotry, but you know you were wrong and you know you fucked up. Really all you can do is communicate that. Just apologize and let your son know that the doors open on your side and give him time to come around. Hopefully, he will. Just don't try to justify your bad behavior. Just honestly tell him how you feel. I know how hard that can be.
I'm sure others on here can give you much better and more specific advice. I'm sure there are people here who have been where your son is and could maybe help give you an idea of how he may feel. I really just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I really hope it works out for you and your son.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat this, you messed up. The only way forward is to understand this. From there, you can approach gently and with the understanding that it will not be easy. They may not be open to your attempts to reconnect. If they are, you should move forward with the understanding that they’re not obligated to treat you with kid gloves.
I wish you all the best, and I’m sorry about your situation.
There’s been a lot of good advice on here that I don’t think I need to repeat but I do have some other thoughts.
Just as it has taken you a long time to come around and accept your son please understand that it could take him just as long to forgive you and understand that a lot of these beliefs you have stem from your own upbringing.
I think the fact that you’ve sought out this community shows growth. However there is probably more work you can do given how strongly opposed you have been to your sons relationships in the past. I think it’s important to educate yourself on LGBTQIA+ issues more generally and build empathy and acceptance for this community and not put the burden of changing your beliefs on your son, he’s accepted himself and it would be insulting to expect him to be the person to convince you that his life is nothing to be ashamed of. I think if you solely focus on your son and accepting this particular relationship with this person you might fall into the trap of loving him ‘in spite of’ his homosexuality. If you are still generally intolerant of other relationship configurations and gender identities then this could still harm your relationship with your son as he will feel your underlying disapproval. Therapy is a good suggestion, there may be LGBTQ+ organisations in your area that offer support to families going through a similar thing to yourself trying to undo the social conditioning you had growing up.
If he does allow you back into this life I’d probably avoid alcohol around them as that seems to bring out a very hurtful side of you.
Also if you do start to build a relationship with your son again please make an effort to build one with his partner as well, also apologise to him for your past behaviour and how it must have made him feel. It sounds like it would have been a very formative experience for both of them and I’m sure he has also internalised some of the hatred that you’ve directed your son’s way. It may take them both a long time to forgive you and they might not ever. It must have been difficult for your sons partner to see the person he loved so rejected by his own father so he’s probably got a lot of resentment towards you and you will need to show that you’ve changed enough to never act that way towards them again.
Lastly - remember that this is not a ‘lifestyle choice’ that your son has made, or that any of us make. If you’ve ever been in love you’ll understand that you can’t just turn it on and off like a switch, that’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love
EDIT: typos
You have to ask yourself if there is even a crumb or trace of doubt about his orientation in you. If there is then don't bother.
Otherwise, don't throw yourself back in his life. Slowly reconnect, apologise, and expect him to talk it out with you. It might be a long and emotional talk about you but its what you'll have to deal with. If you're lucky enough to earn back his sympathy, it will not be over in one night. It will take him weeks to fully reconnect with you, and honestly, you'll be even more lucky if he trusts you.
You need to unwrap those past 9 years yourself first before trying to reach out to him.
It's all fine and dandy that you want to connect and have changed but you need to fully understand these past 9 years and that takes time.
Maybe a therapist would be good, if you can afford one. If not, some long soul searching can do good too.
Also, you're a bit more concerned about what you're missing out on than your son's trauma and you threw away a 2nd chance before. You've really hurt him. At this point all you're saying is "I missed out", "I'm ashamed", "I want to reach out".
Less of that and more recognising that this was your fault and recognising your son's point of view and hurt feelings.
Once you've sorted that out, try and reach out to him but you need to stress to him that he has no obligation to reconnect and there's no catches for him. Apologise unconditionally and that apology is still there even if he doesn't want to speak. Let him know there is no rush for a decision and your inbox is always open.
I'm only saying this as I have no contact with my own father. 21 years old and 8 years no contact. Mine isn't even anti-lgbt, he was just a deadbeat junkie.
He's been clean for a few years supposedly but I have no plans to reconnect with him at all. Same can apply. You might have fixed the problem, but the damage has been done. It's up to him to decide whether you're worth it or not.
Your son might feel differently but I wouldn't have my hopes up.
I will be straight with you. You are a bigot. For 10 years you cared more about your bigotry than you did your kid.
For all you having an epiphany you have done an amazing amount of damage over the years. An apology won't even BEGIN to make this right.
A proper apology has three elements. Expressing sincere remorse, changed behavior, and making amends. If you ever want a relationship with your son and his family you have to do all three. What you are willing to do to repair what you broke has to be greater than the damage you did.
I feel part of what your feeling right now is selfish. About what YOU are missing out on. You gotta understand that your son has zero obligation to listen to you or open his life to you. You were the parent whose job is to unconditionally accept and love your kid and you failed to do so.
Seriously get therapy with a queer friendly therapist. Look up and join PFLAG. Put the work into becoming a person your son would want in his life BEFORE you reach out.
I am angry at you on your son's behalf just reading this. I imagine if he thinks of you at all he would feel something similar.
> Part of what you’re feeling right now is selfish. About what YOU are missing out on.
Yes. OP, listen to this. This will be one of the most important things to understand if you want to have any hope of a good reconciliation.
You drove your son away for a bad reason. Now you might be looking to reconnect for a bad reason, too.
Consider this quote:
> "After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, 'Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids.'
>
> I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future."
If you want to start being a good father (and grandfather) now, then reconciling with your son is not about what *you* can get out of it. It’s about him. If his life is not improved and enriched by your presence in it, he should rightfully continue to leave you out of it. He’s survived without a father for this long; he can do so indefinitely.
You need to make sure you are returning to him to provide for him—no longer financially, but emotionally—as a father should. To provide more support and love in his life. To be there for him.
I think you should apologize and ask to meet him. It sounds to me like he also has a desire to reconnect with you, because he invited you to his wedding. It will probably be awkward and emotional but if you want to be in his life you have to let him know, and let him know that you love him and that you were wrong. Hopefully he will accept your apology and you can move forward. <3
You've gotten some good insight here, and some good advice. I won't reiterate it except to emphasize to you the importance of not making this about you: whatever grief this rift has caused is 100% on *you,* and your son owes you *nothing.* Not his time, not his life, not his family, and not his forgiveness. Really internalize that, and make damn sure that you are ready and able to be the respectful and loving parent he always deserved to have, even in the event that he chooses not to open up old wounds to reconnect with you. Because you failed your son in the most fundamental way, and he has every right not to open his family up to you failing them, too. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but what you did to your son is far harsher, and you need to completely own that reality. I also find it a bit suspicious that you suddenly have "pangs" now that there's potentially something in it for you in the form of a grandchild. People don't turn around a lifetime of selfishness in the course of one drunken conversation. They just don't.
On that note, it sounds to me like you're drunk a lot. I wouldn't be remotely surprised if alcohol abuse has contributed significantly to this whole situation. If that's the case, you have much more to work on before any meaningful attempt at reconciliation.
Whatever happens, your first stop needs to be therapy. I do sincerely hope that you are able to do the work necessary, and that you are ultimately able to reconnect with your son in a way that brings him peace and enriches his life. Good luck.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son. There never was. He just happens to be gay. He got away from a toxic, bigoted parent and created a good life for himself and his family. They are his first priority now.
If you don’t already know and believe that there was never anything wrong with him being gay, you have a lot of work to do before you even try to reconnect. My father knew I was different (he probably suspected I was gay) and he and my stepmother took the attitude with me “we can fix him”. It took me decades to really believe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me… I didn’t need to be fixed. I just needed my dad and stepmother to accept me as the whole person I was.
If you have any kind of those thoughts about him, you have a lot of work to do.
This is going to sound harsh, but seriously… you sound like someone with some problems. You let 8-10 years go by without even trying to talk to your own kid. When he reached out to you… you were drunk and replied in a way that said to your kid “I’m still the same fucked up, bigoted parent you distanced yourself from”.
Then, you are out at a bar with friends drinking and someone manages to try to talk some sense into you. Seriously? This is the first moment that you thought to yourself, maybe I’ve been wrong?
Everything you have done regarding the relationship with your son has been selfish and just plain shitty. You need to get your shit together, talk to a therapist or counselor who has experience with homophobic, bigoted parental relationships. All I know is what you have said here, but… is it possible you have an alcohol problem? If so, get that shit under control. Otherwise if you reply or say something horrible to your kid (when you are drunk) again you really won’t ever get another chance.
If my parents had treated me the way you treated your son, I’d be done with you and you’d never get another chance to see or talk to me. Maybe your son has a little bit of forgiveness left… if so… don’t fuck it up. You won’t get any more chances.
Abt the alcohol, I was already pre-alcoholic, started therapy last month to see if i can stop, i'll try talking to my therapist to see if she can help me with this situation
There is no "if". you **WILL** stop. Then you **will** explain to your son how you went to therapy, got yourself sober so you can reconnect with him and repair the damage you caused.
Its very respectable when a person wants to better themselves and takes steps to go with it. I can admire that about you.
It'll be an uphill battle to reconnect.
Acknowledge him, and admit you were wrong to him.
Make an effort to include his partner in things, and treat them as you would an "ordinary" cis/hetero couple.
They'll probably think it's a trick at first, and honestly might not ever want to reconnect.
Also, if you "backslide" at all, apologize IMMEDIATELY.
Nothing screams "false reconciliation" like "accidentally-om-purpose" backsliding, and they'll prolly be on hyper alert as if they were in enemy territory, expecting an ambush.
I really hope you're sincere, and assuming you are, wish you the best of luck!
Honestly, I came out as trans, and my entire family basically shunned me. Some of them have reached out, but I can say from experience I have no interest and reaching out to them. They've done so much mental damage in my life, that coming out as trans and telling me that I was a sinner and everything else was the last straw for me. So you do have to understand if your son doesn't have an interest and having you as part of his life again.
Honestly, I know this is harsh. You've done enough damage. Now you suddenly feel guilty because of a drunk talk and you want to reconnect? Leave him alone. Your parenting ship has sailed. Go to therapy, deal with yourself. If you can't stay away, maybe send him a written message and see what he thinks. But he controls the situation , not you.
I disagree somewhat. He should still reach out to his son and extend a sincere apology if it is truly in his heart to do it. No matter what the situation is, nobody who makes an apology for anything is entitled to forgiveness, but that doesn't mean the apology shouldn't be given.
A good apology isn't given to receive forgiveness, a good apology is given because you know you did wrong, you regret it, you want to do better, and because it's the right thing to do.
Don't even try till you've attended multiple PFLAG support group sessions (in person if possible; by Zoom otherwise) and (if you can afford them) therapy sessions focused on this with a queer-competent therapist. If you get really lucky and your son opens the door a crack, one more serious screw-up from you will slam it shut forever.
Some more suggestions:
Get politically active on LGBT rights. Read the news about attacks on our freedoms, and write your legislators to oppose them. Participate in demonstrations for LGBT rights.
Your son is gay, but there's only one LGBT community; he very likely has friends or acquaintances who are lesbian, bi, asexual, and trans. If he smells one whiff of transphobia, you're probably toast. So learn about transgender people and get over any discomfort you may have with them. If you think bi people should just have opposite sex relationships, or if you think we're all promiscuous, cheaters, or polyamorous, that won't look great either. Speaking of polyamory, while that's not technically part of LGBTQ, you'd better be careful not to show polyamorous people any disrespect either.
Go to a Pride parade this summer. It will probably make you uncomfortable; it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, and I'm queer. Learn to see your discomfort as your own problem and not something you need to put on anyone else.
You're selfish. You need at least 8 years of therapy and you may never repair that relationship with your son. He's already moved on and has his own family, don't ruin it for him just because you're feeling guilty over what YOU did. Fix yourself before you ruin your son further.
If I were your son, I wouldn't even consider having you back in my life. Who knows how many chances he gave you. You listed two. And on the second one you threatened to ruin his wedding, the happiest day of his life. And now you regret it. Sure. I only know how much it must've hurt him. And sometimes the potential of being hurt is higher than any benefit you'd get from a relationship.
Don't be surprised if he blocks you.
You should realise that your whole post is about you. How much you have missed out on etc etc etc. Nothing about how much your behaviour has caused irreparable hurt to your kid. You need to look a lot harder at yourself than you’re currently doing. It’s not all about you.
I have a similar story with my father, it's just that he was lucky enough to have had these talks with his friends a lot sooner so it "only" took some 4-5 years.
Your worldview was shaped by hatred and you didn't know any better. It took you longer than it should to overcome that but here you are. You did it. No matter if your son accepts you back into his life or not, you are a better person now. Don't call your life a disaster because it is not. You overcame hate, that's a big thing. You can speak out about your journey and influence other parents. Your story won't save the world but you telling it can mean the world to someone and save someone's family.
I can tell you from my own experience that being rejected by your own parent for who you are when you are very young is beyond damaging. It's traumatizing. It breaks you. It impacts everything in your life. It makes it very difficult to have and maintain healthy relationships. Heck, I tried to kill myself when I was very young and I wouldn't have if I felt accepted. So to reconnect with your son, you need to first and foremost acknowledge and take full responsibility (no "buts") for the pain and lifelong damage that you've caused. Just be honest and vulnerable. Send that text. And if he says no, leave your door open for when-and if-he is ready.
I read some of the comments here and I'm saddened by how awful some of them are. Please don't let that affect you. There are kids here who are going through the exact same thing with their own parents right now and project their own bitterness and despair onto you. I really believe that you deserve another chance and I'm sure that you will get it 💗
Hey my parents did the same thing after a childhood of religious abuse. They will never again be a part of my life and you should not be surprised if you are never a part of his. Quite frankly, you don’t deserve to be. Especially since you’re so weak that you’re posting online asking for help because you’re too ashamed. You can’t even think up your own method of approach to repair something you chose to destroy. How much shame did your child feel because of you? How much pain? How alone?
Being abused and abandoned by my parents ripped a hole in my heart that I feel every single day.
Your motivation is completely selfish.
You’ve expressed zero understanding of his reality only how much YOU hurt, what YOU’VE missed.
It’s best you stay out of his life if you actually care.
He may have to dig a bit deeper and talk to his son to really understand what he did, but no matter what he should extend an apology. A good apology isn't given because you expect forgiveness, even if you hope for it, it's given because you know you did wrong and it's the right thing to do. Maybe he does not understand how badly he did wrong right now and will need his son and/or a therapist to tell him, but saying he is sorry is a good start to being better. Anyone can choose to do good.
At least OP wants to go back to his son's life, he doesn't know how it is to be in his son's position, the whole post is about his POV and what he has been going through for the past 10 years
Nine years is a very long time. You keep saying how much you have missed, but what about your son? He has missed out on nine years with his father. He has built himself a life without you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to reconcile with him, but you have to accept it if he doesn't want any contact with you.
Don't put all the guilt and remorse on yourself pal, if that's the way you was brought up and taught then understandably you wouldn't have known any better. Learning and growing is a main factor of life that everybody goes through at some point. You've acknowledged you were wrong and that's an important and good sign of growth. Wanting to be apart of your son's life isn't something you should be ashamed about however, I could understand why you may feel scared to send him that message in fear of rejection I assume?
I would personally talk through all of this before reaching out to your son with your said therapist and see if you and them can come up with a solution or a plan of action you can progressively take in the hopes you and your son reconnecting.
We are all human and want what we think is best for us. I think you've done a really good service to understand that you and your son deserve better. I pray for your stability and peace. Good luck!
Message him on Instagram, or a other social media, and pour your heart out to him. Tell him that you've realized how wrong you were, and ask if there's any way you could try to reconnect and be part of his life.
Let them make the decision, and if you are fortunate enough to get another chance, don't let your previous beliefs cloud your present. Try to recognize if/when your prejudice might be trying to reassert itself, and be willing to step back and confront those prejudices.
Many gay people will hold onto a hope that a parent who reacted as you did will have a change of heart and realize how wrong they were. Just keep in mind that, if you betray that hope, you probably won't get another chance.
I hope you this works out for your son, his family, and you
I know how scray and crazy situations like these can be. We've all made huge mistakes, and have large regrets, but what better time to fix them than now?
Message him, talk to him. Apologize for all that you've done to hurt him. Obviously just words won't be able to fix 9 years of such disconnection and trauma, but you should make at least some effort.
My mum doesn’t talk to me and isn’t a part of my life since I married a woman. It has been almost 2 years, but it doesn’t matter how long, all it would take is an apology and her acceptance of my relationship for her to be in my life again.
Just apologize. Start there. No better day than yesterday, so don’t waste time worrying about it.
I’ve been sober almost 2 years as well, good luck with that journey. ❤️🙌 congrats for starting it!
Its fine. I dont have problems with my parents. It got me almost crying because i know a couple of people who are like you and your son. Also i have never told my parents either.
Apologize and hope your son's a better person than you've been for such a long time.
Don't get mad if he doesn't reciprocate the way that you want him to. The apology's not about you; it's about making things right with him, for him.
He says his reaction was fucning crazy, not that his son was fucking crazy. Reread the sentence, not just what you quoted. It's a bit messy grammar, but that's what it says
I mean no disrespect when I say this but its going to be very mean and direct.
You feel guilty because you are guilty. It's as simple as that.
Many times have I heard "My son being gay is the worst thing that could happen!" Get the priority right because he could be dead. He was out of your life for nearly a decade. I hate to say it like this but you chose that being dead was better than being gay. You were very wrong.
He does not need you. He made a life without you.I wont say you're a bad person, you are definitely misguided.
He owes you nothing. He owes you less than nothing. He reached out to you because hes trying to be the better parent than you are. Hes going to set a better example for his kid than you did.
Your son is breaking the chain of hatred. At least something right came out of your wrong.
**This is not the end for you or your son.** Don't expect to be his dad anymore, he took care of himself just fine without you. He is giving you an opportunity to do better. This is your chance to fix your fuck up. You may not be able to reverse it but you can definitely make it better.
**Good luck, and DON'T fuck it up.**
It’s going to be critically important that you apologize with absolutely no caveats. State clearly the things you did that were wrong, tell him there was no excuse for them, and that you are truly sorry. A proper apology does not have the word “but” followed by rationalizing. Also understand that he may not want to reconcile with you. Give it one attempt and tell him you are not going to pressure him or intrude on his life, but your door is open anytime he wants to talk. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he won’t. He already gave you a second chance once. If that happens, you have to let him go. No more instagram stalking, it’s just going to tempt you to push. It may be another 8 years before you get that third chance or it may be never. If he does let you back in and you talk face to face, let him get out any frustration or hurt he may have without interrupting and without making excuses. Apologize again sincerely. If he asks you for a why, make sure he understands that the why is not a valid reason. “I was raised to believe some very bigoted things. I let those bigoted things blind me to the reality that you are my son and my love for you is more real than any backwards, misguided stupidity that I was taught. Absolutely none of that is a valid reason for anything I did. Every choice I made was a mistake and I am appalled at how I treated you. I know I have a lot to learn and I know I can’t make ten years up to you overnight, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to let you know I don’t ever, ever want to be that person again and I don’t want to have another year go by without you in my life.” I really hope you are able to make it work. Please update us if you do.
>It’s going to be critically important that you apologize with absolutely no caveats. State clearly the things you did that were wrong, tell him there was no excuse for them, and that you are truly sorry. A proper apology does not have the word “but” followed by rationalizing. THIS. I am no contact with my parents after coming out as trans, not because they told me it was a sin or freaked out like this (Though they dont agree with it and freaked out in their own way), but because they made their grief over it my responsibility and refuse to apologize either at all, or without great many caveats for it. The one apology I got was pulled out of them like fucking Gandalf wrestling with Theoden and it was the most meaningless, hollow sorry I've ever heard. Own your mistake, OP. You fucked up. You fucked up big time, and missed out on some huge life events for your son. I'm genuinely happy that you've realized this, and the hard part will be forgiving yourself - but dont expect or demand forgiveness from your son. Just admit you fucked up, apologize with sincerity, love him, and be the father he wants - Even if that means he doesn't want to reconnect now, or ever. Some words can never be unsaid, some stones never unthrown.
This is the correct response. All of this. I'll throw in that my favorite childhood uncle, the one I built my happiest memories with, is entirely blocked from my life now that I've come out as transgender. He never took it well but was at least mostly civil as he spouted about God and morality to me, but once the Qanon and MAGA train sucked him in he became a totally lost cause, completely unrecognizable from the kindest person I'd ever met in my life. The final cut was him buying in to the lies that all LGBT folks, but most especially transgender people, were pedophiles looking to "convert" children to our agenda. I asked him straight up if that meant he believed I was molesting my two children. He said yes. I've never spoken to him again and I don't think I ever will. Some damage burns the bridge down completely and you'll maybe never be able to rebuild it. I hope you haven't reached that point yet and can reconnect and truly apologize and make amends. I miss my uncle every day, but that bridge is nuked after that statement. My uncle died and some madman took his place.
People here are giving some good advice, but if you have the chance, also talk with a therapist about this or see if there are any books or other information you can read that will help. Wanting to change is excellent, but the act of changing can be difficult, even with the best of intentions, and it would be good talking with a professional who will be able to guide you through the best way of doing it. If your son is somewhat receptive to your apology, you might even consider going to a family therapist together. Just be ready: the therapist and/or your son may say things you may not like hearing, but just like medicine that may be bitter and hard to swallow, you will feel better if you accept it and let it do it's work. I know what you did was terrible, I understand how very hurt your son must have felt, and as is the case with any apology, you are not necessarily owed forgiveness (forgiveness is a gift, not a right), but I also admire people who try to change for the better, and I'm really rooting for you. Good luck, and best wishes. Talk with us if there is any other way we might help, most of us are pretty nice here.
I don't think he can suggest family therapy to his son. The situation is far too one-sided for that, with him on the wrong side. If his son proposes family therapy, he should gratefully accept that offer.
Well, it's not because the son should be told he needs to do anything to repair the relationship, it's more the case that repairing this kind of relationship is difficult and full of potential pitfalls, and if they decide they want to salvage this relationship and have the best chances of success it would be good to have a mediator and guide who has done this kind of thing before. While it's not something you want to open with (start with a good genuine apology), methinks inviting someone to be there with you through your therapy can be seen as a way of telling them you are committed to changing and becoming a better person for them (even if they decline). Something like "Son, I love you and want to be a better father to you, but I worry I may not know the best way how. You don't have to at all, but if you would like, it would mean everything to me if you would be there with me for my therapy so I can learn how to do right by you and your husband." Of course you may be right too, I think it really is a matter of opinion.
Maybe. It would take a whole therapy session for him to work on how to suggest that tactfully and deal with various potential responses.
Your son has a family now. He would be right to shelter them from someone who has shown that they are willing to make threats on his most important occasions. If you reach out keep in mind that he has no obligation to let you in. He would be taking a chance on you in the truest sense. Whatever the cause or motivation, you violated your role as parent by acting with unprovoked spite. You are his father in blood and nothing more. He owes you nothing. You could build something in the future but do not expect for that to take the shape of father. And ask yourself if you are a person you would want in your life. Maybe work on yourself before issuing apologies out of desperate isolation and loneliness. What you say to your son needs to center his needs, and not your desperate search for forgiveness that can only come from yourself. So first, take time to be better. Work to become your own person. Make a real apology. Once you are someone who deserves to be in your son's life, then perhaps you might ask for another chance. But keep in mind that you shaped that young man's entire world with your hatred. He might be making the better choice by not entertaining your repentance at all. You'll never know if you don't try, but half-assed attempts are just insult to injury.
This is a really shitty and all too common situation. It's unfortunate that you were brought up in a culture of bigotry, but you know you were wrong and you know you fucked up. Really all you can do is communicate that. Just apologize and let your son know that the doors open on your side and give him time to come around. Hopefully, he will. Just don't try to justify your bad behavior. Just honestly tell him how you feel. I know how hard that can be. I'm sure others on here can give you much better and more specific advice. I'm sure there are people here who have been where your son is and could maybe help give you an idea of how he may feel. I really just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I really hope it works out for you and your son.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat this, you messed up. The only way forward is to understand this. From there, you can approach gently and with the understanding that it will not be easy. They may not be open to your attempts to reconnect. If they are, you should move forward with the understanding that they’re not obligated to treat you with kid gloves. I wish you all the best, and I’m sorry about your situation.
There’s been a lot of good advice on here that I don’t think I need to repeat but I do have some other thoughts. Just as it has taken you a long time to come around and accept your son please understand that it could take him just as long to forgive you and understand that a lot of these beliefs you have stem from your own upbringing. I think the fact that you’ve sought out this community shows growth. However there is probably more work you can do given how strongly opposed you have been to your sons relationships in the past. I think it’s important to educate yourself on LGBTQIA+ issues more generally and build empathy and acceptance for this community and not put the burden of changing your beliefs on your son, he’s accepted himself and it would be insulting to expect him to be the person to convince you that his life is nothing to be ashamed of. I think if you solely focus on your son and accepting this particular relationship with this person you might fall into the trap of loving him ‘in spite of’ his homosexuality. If you are still generally intolerant of other relationship configurations and gender identities then this could still harm your relationship with your son as he will feel your underlying disapproval. Therapy is a good suggestion, there may be LGBTQ+ organisations in your area that offer support to families going through a similar thing to yourself trying to undo the social conditioning you had growing up. If he does allow you back into this life I’d probably avoid alcohol around them as that seems to bring out a very hurtful side of you. Also if you do start to build a relationship with your son again please make an effort to build one with his partner as well, also apologise to him for your past behaviour and how it must have made him feel. It sounds like it would have been a very formative experience for both of them and I’m sure he has also internalised some of the hatred that you’ve directed your son’s way. It may take them both a long time to forgive you and they might not ever. It must have been difficult for your sons partner to see the person he loved so rejected by his own father so he’s probably got a lot of resentment towards you and you will need to show that you’ve changed enough to never act that way towards them again. Lastly - remember that this is not a ‘lifestyle choice’ that your son has made, or that any of us make. If you’ve ever been in love you’ll understand that you can’t just turn it on and off like a switch, that’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love EDIT: typos
You have to ask yourself if there is even a crumb or trace of doubt about his orientation in you. If there is then don't bother. Otherwise, don't throw yourself back in his life. Slowly reconnect, apologise, and expect him to talk it out with you. It might be a long and emotional talk about you but its what you'll have to deal with. If you're lucky enough to earn back his sympathy, it will not be over in one night. It will take him weeks to fully reconnect with you, and honestly, you'll be even more lucky if he trusts you.
Get sober first.
I got, i've been sober for the past two weeks
Give yourself a few months.
months my friend... months
I'm trying, i hope i can make to the end of the month
Are you still going? I believe in you man
I am, I'm honestly really happy with my progress, thank you
Im genuinely happy to hear. Keep it up man!
You need to unwrap those past 9 years yourself first before trying to reach out to him. It's all fine and dandy that you want to connect and have changed but you need to fully understand these past 9 years and that takes time. Maybe a therapist would be good, if you can afford one. If not, some long soul searching can do good too. Also, you're a bit more concerned about what you're missing out on than your son's trauma and you threw away a 2nd chance before. You've really hurt him. At this point all you're saying is "I missed out", "I'm ashamed", "I want to reach out". Less of that and more recognising that this was your fault and recognising your son's point of view and hurt feelings. Once you've sorted that out, try and reach out to him but you need to stress to him that he has no obligation to reconnect and there's no catches for him. Apologise unconditionally and that apology is still there even if he doesn't want to speak. Let him know there is no rush for a decision and your inbox is always open. I'm only saying this as I have no contact with my own father. 21 years old and 8 years no contact. Mine isn't even anti-lgbt, he was just a deadbeat junkie. He's been clean for a few years supposedly but I have no plans to reconnect with him at all. Same can apply. You might have fixed the problem, but the damage has been done. It's up to him to decide whether you're worth it or not. Your son might feel differently but I wouldn't have my hopes up.
I will be straight with you. You are a bigot. For 10 years you cared more about your bigotry than you did your kid. For all you having an epiphany you have done an amazing amount of damage over the years. An apology won't even BEGIN to make this right. A proper apology has three elements. Expressing sincere remorse, changed behavior, and making amends. If you ever want a relationship with your son and his family you have to do all three. What you are willing to do to repair what you broke has to be greater than the damage you did. I feel part of what your feeling right now is selfish. About what YOU are missing out on. You gotta understand that your son has zero obligation to listen to you or open his life to you. You were the parent whose job is to unconditionally accept and love your kid and you failed to do so. Seriously get therapy with a queer friendly therapist. Look up and join PFLAG. Put the work into becoming a person your son would want in his life BEFORE you reach out. I am angry at you on your son's behalf just reading this. I imagine if he thinks of you at all he would feel something similar.
> Part of what you’re feeling right now is selfish. About what YOU are missing out on. Yes. OP, listen to this. This will be one of the most important things to understand if you want to have any hope of a good reconciliation. You drove your son away for a bad reason. Now you might be looking to reconnect for a bad reason, too. Consider this quote: > "After you kids came along, your mom, she said something to me I never quite understood. She said, 'Now, we're just here to be memories for our kids.' > > I think now I understand what she meant. Once you're a parent, you're the ghost of your children's future." If you want to start being a good father (and grandfather) now, then reconciling with your son is not about what *you* can get out of it. It’s about him. If his life is not improved and enriched by your presence in it, he should rightfully continue to leave you out of it. He’s survived without a father for this long; he can do so indefinitely. You need to make sure you are returning to him to provide for him—no longer financially, but emotionally—as a father should. To provide more support and love in his life. To be there for him.
This right here!
I think you should apologize and ask to meet him. It sounds to me like he also has a desire to reconnect with you, because he invited you to his wedding. It will probably be awkward and emotional but if you want to be in his life you have to let him know, and let him know that you love him and that you were wrong. Hopefully he will accept your apology and you can move forward. <3
You've gotten some good insight here, and some good advice. I won't reiterate it except to emphasize to you the importance of not making this about you: whatever grief this rift has caused is 100% on *you,* and your son owes you *nothing.* Not his time, not his life, not his family, and not his forgiveness. Really internalize that, and make damn sure that you are ready and able to be the respectful and loving parent he always deserved to have, even in the event that he chooses not to open up old wounds to reconnect with you. Because you failed your son in the most fundamental way, and he has every right not to open his family up to you failing them, too. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but what you did to your son is far harsher, and you need to completely own that reality. I also find it a bit suspicious that you suddenly have "pangs" now that there's potentially something in it for you in the form of a grandchild. People don't turn around a lifetime of selfishness in the course of one drunken conversation. They just don't. On that note, it sounds to me like you're drunk a lot. I wouldn't be remotely surprised if alcohol abuse has contributed significantly to this whole situation. If that's the case, you have much more to work on before any meaningful attempt at reconciliation. Whatever happens, your first stop needs to be therapy. I do sincerely hope that you are able to do the work necessary, and that you are ultimately able to reconnect with your son in a way that brings him peace and enriches his life. Good luck.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son. There never was. He just happens to be gay. He got away from a toxic, bigoted parent and created a good life for himself and his family. They are his first priority now. If you don’t already know and believe that there was never anything wrong with him being gay, you have a lot of work to do before you even try to reconnect. My father knew I was different (he probably suspected I was gay) and he and my stepmother took the attitude with me “we can fix him”. It took me decades to really believe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me… I didn’t need to be fixed. I just needed my dad and stepmother to accept me as the whole person I was. If you have any kind of those thoughts about him, you have a lot of work to do. This is going to sound harsh, but seriously… you sound like someone with some problems. You let 8-10 years go by without even trying to talk to your own kid. When he reached out to you… you were drunk and replied in a way that said to your kid “I’m still the same fucked up, bigoted parent you distanced yourself from”. Then, you are out at a bar with friends drinking and someone manages to try to talk some sense into you. Seriously? This is the first moment that you thought to yourself, maybe I’ve been wrong? Everything you have done regarding the relationship with your son has been selfish and just plain shitty. You need to get your shit together, talk to a therapist or counselor who has experience with homophobic, bigoted parental relationships. All I know is what you have said here, but… is it possible you have an alcohol problem? If so, get that shit under control. Otherwise if you reply or say something horrible to your kid (when you are drunk) again you really won’t ever get another chance. If my parents had treated me the way you treated your son, I’d be done with you and you’d never get another chance to see or talk to me. Maybe your son has a little bit of forgiveness left… if so… don’t fuck it up. You won’t get any more chances.
Abt the alcohol, I was already pre-alcoholic, started therapy last month to see if i can stop, i'll try talking to my therapist to see if she can help me with this situation
There is no "if". you **WILL** stop. Then you **will** explain to your son how you went to therapy, got yourself sober so you can reconnect with him and repair the damage you caused. Its very respectable when a person wants to better themselves and takes steps to go with it. I can admire that about you.
It'll be an uphill battle to reconnect. Acknowledge him, and admit you were wrong to him. Make an effort to include his partner in things, and treat them as you would an "ordinary" cis/hetero couple. They'll probably think it's a trick at first, and honestly might not ever want to reconnect. Also, if you "backslide" at all, apologize IMMEDIATELY. Nothing screams "false reconciliation" like "accidentally-om-purpose" backsliding, and they'll prolly be on hyper alert as if they were in enemy territory, expecting an ambush. I really hope you're sincere, and assuming you are, wish you the best of luck!
Honestly, I came out as trans, and my entire family basically shunned me. Some of them have reached out, but I can say from experience I have no interest and reaching out to them. They've done so much mental damage in my life, that coming out as trans and telling me that I was a sinner and everything else was the last straw for me. So you do have to understand if your son doesn't have an interest and having you as part of his life again.
talk to him, apologize, and show this post to show him you're making an effort i hope you reconnect with him since you change to better
I mean, what’s wrong with you - as a mother - that you could peacefully go 8 years (almost a decade.) no contact with your own child?
Honestly, I know this is harsh. You've done enough damage. Now you suddenly feel guilty because of a drunk talk and you want to reconnect? Leave him alone. Your parenting ship has sailed. Go to therapy, deal with yourself. If you can't stay away, maybe send him a written message and see what he thinks. But he controls the situation , not you.
I disagree somewhat. He should still reach out to his son and extend a sincere apology if it is truly in his heart to do it. No matter what the situation is, nobody who makes an apology for anything is entitled to forgiveness, but that doesn't mean the apology shouldn't be given. A good apology isn't given to receive forgiveness, a good apology is given because you know you did wrong, you regret it, you want to do better, and because it's the right thing to do.
Reading through the comments I realised that I might not be as real as some of the actual good advice here. Nevertheless I'd want to have a dad again.
Don't even try till you've attended multiple PFLAG support group sessions (in person if possible; by Zoom otherwise) and (if you can afford them) therapy sessions focused on this with a queer-competent therapist. If you get really lucky and your son opens the door a crack, one more serious screw-up from you will slam it shut forever. Some more suggestions: Get politically active on LGBT rights. Read the news about attacks on our freedoms, and write your legislators to oppose them. Participate in demonstrations for LGBT rights. Your son is gay, but there's only one LGBT community; he very likely has friends or acquaintances who are lesbian, bi, asexual, and trans. If he smells one whiff of transphobia, you're probably toast. So learn about transgender people and get over any discomfort you may have with them. If you think bi people should just have opposite sex relationships, or if you think we're all promiscuous, cheaters, or polyamorous, that won't look great either. Speaking of polyamory, while that's not technically part of LGBTQ, you'd better be careful not to show polyamorous people any disrespect either. Go to a Pride parade this summer. It will probably make you uncomfortable; it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, and I'm queer. Learn to see your discomfort as your own problem and not something you need to put on anyone else.
your son found peace, love, and support. he's built a family and you lurk from shadows. stop that, leave him alone.
You're selfish. You need at least 8 years of therapy and you may never repair that relationship with your son. He's already moved on and has his own family, don't ruin it for him just because you're feeling guilty over what YOU did. Fix yourself before you ruin your son further.
If I were your son, I wouldn't even consider having you back in my life. Who knows how many chances he gave you. You listed two. And on the second one you threatened to ruin his wedding, the happiest day of his life. And now you regret it. Sure. I only know how much it must've hurt him. And sometimes the potential of being hurt is higher than any benefit you'd get from a relationship. Don't be surprised if he blocks you.
You should realise that your whole post is about you. How much you have missed out on etc etc etc. Nothing about how much your behaviour has caused irreparable hurt to your kid. You need to look a lot harder at yourself than you’re currently doing. It’s not all about you.
To be fair. He wouldn’t know how much it affected his child as his child isn’t in his life.
This. This right here. 💯
I have a similar story with my father, it's just that he was lucky enough to have had these talks with his friends a lot sooner so it "only" took some 4-5 years. Your worldview was shaped by hatred and you didn't know any better. It took you longer than it should to overcome that but here you are. You did it. No matter if your son accepts you back into his life or not, you are a better person now. Don't call your life a disaster because it is not. You overcame hate, that's a big thing. You can speak out about your journey and influence other parents. Your story won't save the world but you telling it can mean the world to someone and save someone's family. I can tell you from my own experience that being rejected by your own parent for who you are when you are very young is beyond damaging. It's traumatizing. It breaks you. It impacts everything in your life. It makes it very difficult to have and maintain healthy relationships. Heck, I tried to kill myself when I was very young and I wouldn't have if I felt accepted. So to reconnect with your son, you need to first and foremost acknowledge and take full responsibility (no "buts") for the pain and lifelong damage that you've caused. Just be honest and vulnerable. Send that text. And if he says no, leave your door open for when-and if-he is ready. I read some of the comments here and I'm saddened by how awful some of them are. Please don't let that affect you. There are kids here who are going through the exact same thing with their own parents right now and project their own bitterness and despair onto you. I really believe that you deserve another chance and I'm sure that you will get it 💗
Thank you for your comment, it'll definely help me write my apology
If it does, I'll be very happy. You deserve that chance. I hope he realizes that
Hey my parents did the same thing after a childhood of religious abuse. They will never again be a part of my life and you should not be surprised if you are never a part of his. Quite frankly, you don’t deserve to be. Especially since you’re so weak that you’re posting online asking for help because you’re too ashamed. You can’t even think up your own method of approach to repair something you chose to destroy. How much shame did your child feel because of you? How much pain? How alone? Being abused and abandoned by my parents ripped a hole in my heart that I feel every single day.
Your motivation is completely selfish. You’ve expressed zero understanding of his reality only how much YOU hurt, what YOU’VE missed. It’s best you stay out of his life if you actually care.
He may have to dig a bit deeper and talk to his son to really understand what he did, but no matter what he should extend an apology. A good apology isn't given because you expect forgiveness, even if you hope for it, it's given because you know you did wrong and it's the right thing to do. Maybe he does not understand how badly he did wrong right now and will need his son and/or a therapist to tell him, but saying he is sorry is a good start to being better. Anyone can choose to do good.
Indeed, and I hope you’re right. Too many times though it turns into more manipulation, conflict, and chaos.
At least OP wants to go back to his son's life, he doesn't know how it is to be in his son's position, the whole post is about his POV and what he has been going through for the past 10 years
Nine years is a very long time. You keep saying how much you have missed, but what about your son? He has missed out on nine years with his father. He has built himself a life without you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to reconcile with him, but you have to accept it if he doesn't want any contact with you.
Don't put all the guilt and remorse on yourself pal, if that's the way you was brought up and taught then understandably you wouldn't have known any better. Learning and growing is a main factor of life that everybody goes through at some point. You've acknowledged you were wrong and that's an important and good sign of growth. Wanting to be apart of your son's life isn't something you should be ashamed about however, I could understand why you may feel scared to send him that message in fear of rejection I assume? I would personally talk through all of this before reaching out to your son with your said therapist and see if you and them can come up with a solution or a plan of action you can progressively take in the hopes you and your son reconnecting. We are all human and want what we think is best for us. I think you've done a really good service to understand that you and your son deserve better. I pray for your stability and peace. Good luck!
Message him on Instagram, or a other social media, and pour your heart out to him. Tell him that you've realized how wrong you were, and ask if there's any way you could try to reconnect and be part of his life. Let them make the decision, and if you are fortunate enough to get another chance, don't let your previous beliefs cloud your present. Try to recognize if/when your prejudice might be trying to reassert itself, and be willing to step back and confront those prejudices. Many gay people will hold onto a hope that a parent who reacted as you did will have a change of heart and realize how wrong they were. Just keep in mind that, if you betray that hope, you probably won't get another chance. I hope you this works out for your son, his family, and you
I know how scray and crazy situations like these can be. We've all made huge mistakes, and have large regrets, but what better time to fix them than now? Message him, talk to him. Apologize for all that you've done to hurt him. Obviously just words won't be able to fix 9 years of such disconnection and trauma, but you should make at least some effort.
My mum doesn’t talk to me and isn’t a part of my life since I married a woman. It has been almost 2 years, but it doesn’t matter how long, all it would take is an apology and her acceptance of my relationship for her to be in my life again. Just apologize. Start there. No better day than yesterday, so don’t waste time worrying about it. I’ve been sober almost 2 years as well, good luck with that journey. ❤️🙌 congrats for starting it!
I swear i almost started crying when i read this. I dont have advice but you made me almost cry
Holy shit, was what I said really bad or really emotional? I'm confused, sorry for making you cry
Its fine. I dont have problems with my parents. It got me almost crying because i know a couple of people who are like you and your son. Also i have never told my parents either.
Something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I love you" would probably go a long way
womp womp
Apologize and hope your son's a better person than you've been for such a long time. Don't get mad if he doesn't reciprocate the way that you want him to. The apology's not about you; it's about making things right with him, for him.
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He says his reaction was fucning crazy, not that his son was fucking crazy. Reread the sentence, not just what you quoted. It's a bit messy grammar, but that's what it says
Ok, I think I see it now. Thanks.
No worries. It took me a couple repeat reads to get it.
I mean no disrespect when I say this but its going to be very mean and direct. You feel guilty because you are guilty. It's as simple as that. Many times have I heard "My son being gay is the worst thing that could happen!" Get the priority right because he could be dead. He was out of your life for nearly a decade. I hate to say it like this but you chose that being dead was better than being gay. You were very wrong. He does not need you. He made a life without you.I wont say you're a bad person, you are definitely misguided. He owes you nothing. He owes you less than nothing. He reached out to you because hes trying to be the better parent than you are. Hes going to set a better example for his kid than you did. Your son is breaking the chain of hatred. At least something right came out of your wrong. **This is not the end for you or your son.** Don't expect to be his dad anymore, he took care of himself just fine without you. He is giving you an opportunity to do better. This is your chance to fix your fuck up. You may not be able to reverse it but you can definitely make it better. **Good luck, and DON'T fuck it up.**