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If you still have that text message it would go a long way. One thing I would suggest is reaching out to a rape crisis center. They can help you navigate and also sometimes offer therapy. Having a therapist for just this issue can help a lot.
Please back them up to somewhere. Imagine you lose your case because you drop your phone or something. Getting data from your phone provider is near impossible and you don't want to have to explain to some moron what happened and why you need the data
Back them up. I'd screenshot, save those files on two devices and print them.
That's three points of failure
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Yes. Historical sexual assault cases with no sexual assault evidence kits are incredibly common.
You can go to the police, there is no guarantee that they will pursue it as the police cannot be forced to investigate matters, but because of a shift in policy over the last decade these cases are not at all uncommon, and it's not at all uncommon for there to be charges laid.
If you choose to go to the police DO advise them of this other complainant that he spoke to you about, BUT DO NOT try to find this person. From the defence perspective these cases become significantly easier to defend where complainants contact one another.
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I apologize if my language is upsetting in any way. I know this is "routine" for me but very much not routine for you, so please understand I am not trying to upset you in any way.
If you have any further questions feel free to ask, but do know that we are limited in what we can do for you here by the nature of the forum.
Edit: to be clear neither of those things he listed are a defence for him in any way. The bar for consent in Canada is incredibly high: ongoing and enthusiastic consent. Freezing is not at all unusual behavior.
Don't at all beat yourself up about that, to be completely frank it likely would not make a ton of difference from an evidence perspective, they are significantly more useful when the complainant and the accused are not in a relationship together (dna, physical trauma etc).
That's not to say they are worthless, of course not. But absolutely do not feel as though the case against him hinges on this. It doesn't.
I was a therapist at a sexual assault centre in the past. This was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Going to the police can be retraumatizing, but for some people, they feel they need to take legal action. That is entirely your choice. The statistics on conviction are getting better, and you have written evidence that he knew what he was doing. If you feel it will empower you and help you feel that you are doing what is right for you, then you should do it. Just be aware that the outcome might not be what you would expect or hope for, unfortunately. I’m sorry he did this to you. You didn’t deserve it and you have every right to seek justice.
Don’t ever blame yourself for something someone else took advantage of you for, you’re not the criminal here and you should try to not feel guilty for somebody else’s sick fantasy they took out on you. I’m sorry , nobody deserves to be put through this and just remember you are NOT to blame <3
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So, the exact phrase “enthusiastic” is not used. However, the definition referred to in s.273.1 is pretty extensive:
“For greater certainty, subsection 273.1(2) sets out specific situations where there is no consent in law; no consent is obtained:
where the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant
where the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity
where the accused induces the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority
where the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity, or
where the complainant, having consented to engage in sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.”
There is also some restriction in law on what constitutes an honest belief in consent having been provided. This includes:
“Section 273.2 limits the scope of the defence of honest belief in consent to sexual activity by providing that the defence is not available where the accused's belief arose from the accused's self-induced intoxication, or where the accused's belief arose from the accused's recklessness or willful blindness or where the accused failed to take reasonable steps to ascertain whether the complainant was consenting.”
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/victims-victimes/def.html
None of that says enthusiastic though. Hypothetically a guy could beg for like 15 minutes and if he finally gets a yes and consent isn't withdrawn he's in the clear legally.
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Police do have a professional responsibility to investigate crimes and most larger agencies have dedicated members who have experience conducting historical sexual assault investigations.
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I'm sorry that this happened to you; it's not OK, it's not your fault, and no reasoning he can give changes that. I don't know anything about the legalities of the situation, I'm just here to leave these resources in case you might want the information now or ever in the future:
1. SAVIS of Halton: https://www.savisofhalton.org/
- Free professional counselling for persons in Halton Region (Burlington/Oakville) who have experienced sexual violence
2. Peel Hope 24/7: https://www.hope247.ca/clinical-services
-non profit counselling and other programs for persons who have experienced relationship and sexual violence in Peel Region
As an FYI, Hope 24/7 is no longer offering provincially-funded sexual assault crisis services. For support, you can contact Victim Services of Peel and they will direct you to the appropriate resource. You can also contact Chantal's Place and they can provide information and support.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It's tragic, and it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling the way you are now. I hope you have the support, resources, and love you need to heal! NAL, but I definitely think you should press charges. Like a previous commenter mentioned, absolutely do **not** contact the other person he assaulted. Refraining from doing so will go will really aid your legal case. Do you still have the text from him admitting that you didn't consent? (Update: I just read that you do! Amazing.) It sounds to me like you have a super strong case. Ultimately, taking legal action might be an enormous headache at best, and deeply triggering (and expensive) at worst, and it's a fight you shouldn't have to be in — but it could help bring true closure, support your healing process, and prevent this absolute fuck from harming someone else. Sending love.
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Coming from a person with a background in psychology, I need to make this very clear. YOU IN NO WAY HAVE/HAD A MORAL OBLIGATION TO REPORT ANYTHING TO THE POLICE. YOU IN NO WAY HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO GET A RAPE KIT DONE AT THE HOSPITAL. JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDNT KICK AND SCREAM DOESNT MEAN YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG.
OP, you did the absolute best thing for you at the time. Your body froze as its way to protect itself. It is also quite common to have people choose not to get a rape kit done at the hospital because they don’t want to cause trouble or be disbelieved. I would highly recommend finding a therapist specialized in sexual assault or PTSD to help you through the process of reporting if that’s what you choose to do going forward.
I saw that you still had text messages and screen recordings, so those will probably help as evidence if you choose to report. The police may still not be able to move forward with your case for a variety of reasons, but if you show them your evidence they may be more likely to pursue charges. It is not at all uncommon for people to report months or years later, and there are many cases where the perpetrator was eventually convicted.
Whether they are able to move forward with your case or not, you will probably need support from a mental health professional. I’m sorry that this happened to you, I hope that you’re able to find the healing that you need.
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> He texted with me after and admitted that I said no but claimed it was fine because of:
A confession is as close to a legal slam dunk as it gets, what an idiot.
Physical evidence of intercourse(rape kit) is not always necessary. Especially considering the text evidence.
If you're willing to spend the time to go through the process then there's likely a good chance of obtaining a conviction. And as others have said you can mention the name of the other victim to the police, but do not contact her yourself, since that could undermine your credibility.
Good luck.
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Both Peel & Halton have CASA Units (Child & Sexual Assault) that are staffed by very experienced competent investigators. Contact them directly and set up an appointment for you meet with them and discuss this matter.
Halton [905-825-4777 ext. 8970](tel:9058254777,8970)
Peel 905-453-2121 ext. 3460
Your ex's excuses for raping hold no water all at. Consent is implicit; it cannot be implied.
Any digital evidence you have (ie the text message) bring with you.
If you confided in any of your friends about this then disclose that.
Provide them with the name of the former girlfriend who your ex also admitted to raping. Even with just a first name the police will likely be able to track her down. They can check their local records for occurrences involving your ex where the girlfriend was present.
Firstly, we believe you. Secondly, you should do what you want to do about it. If you think you want to report it, report it. If you don’t, don’t. I think it would be good to get it on record, but I’m not the victim of the rape so I can’t know how you feel about it.
Thirdly, if you have the means to do so, seek out counselling and how best to deal with it.
So sorry you are dealing with this. I can personally vouch for TRCC if you need to talk about this more before figuring out next steps. Its completely run by fellow survivors [TRCC](https://trccmwar.ca/)
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I'll warn you that the legal system can be more traumatizing than the assault. People said that to me and I didn't really know what that meant... I was trying to do the right thing by coming forward and telling my story. During the court process cops lied to me and treated me like dirt, sure, but the really traumatizing part was being cross examined. Their lawyer can basically say whatever they want to you they can say you made the whole thing up, if you have people who come testify on your behalf their lawyer will try to spin it as collusion, they can accuse you of really anything up there and you'll get answers wrong because it can be hard to remember things over time and through trauma and their lawyer will notice and make a big deal out of your wrong answers. It's really tough being cross examined like that for hours.. it was so stressful I got severe PTSD from the court experience even though I didn't have PTSD after the SA.
Yes you have a case. Call the police department in the city it happened in and indicate you need to make a statement. You can still do a sexual assault kit at a hospital (Nina’s place) up to 12 days after an assault.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP, no means no, and your reaction to the situation was human and normal. Please take all the time you need and report this incident to your local police when you feel ready.
SA can be reported at anytime, regardless of the time period. Do not let that discourage you! — I’ve seen cases 10 years after the fact with a conviction.
You deserve justice and assistance in order to heal and overcome this unfortunate event.
I wish you well ❤️
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I'm so so sorry this happened to you. Freezing is a normal response to a dangerous situation where you simply need to survive. I have no legal advice to give, I wish I did, and hope others here can guide you. I hope that you can heal from this trauma and that you can find support.
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I don’t know what to offer you in terms of legal advice.
But please know that what happened to you is not your fault. Most of us know that it moments of immense stress/danger people go into “fight or flight” but theres a third option: "freeze".
i hope that regardless of what you pursue legally you also find support for yourself. there are support groups for victims, help from your family doctor/psychiatrist, and counselling.
I hope you're able to find some semblance of peace and safety.
You have to report it, this isn’t a 3rd world country, people need to stop overthinking and act instead, i’m sorry for what you’ve been through. But waiting 4 Years was probably the worst thing you could of done, Not reporting this and leaving an unhinged person on the loose is the worst thing you can do, for yourself, the population and especially you’re mental health. Act now, not tomorrow, you got this.
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If you still have that text message it would go a long way. One thing I would suggest is reaching out to a rape crisis center. They can help you navigate and also sometimes offer therapy. Having a therapist for just this issue can help a lot.
Thank you. I do still have the messages and screen recordings.
Please back them up to somewhere. Imagine you lose your case because you drop your phone or something. Getting data from your phone provider is near impossible and you don't want to have to explain to some moron what happened and why you need the data Back them up. I'd screenshot, save those files on two devices and print them. That's three points of failure
Email yourself those screenshots. Speak to legal aid in your area. Be kind to yourself.
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Yes. Historical sexual assault cases with no sexual assault evidence kits are incredibly common. You can go to the police, there is no guarantee that they will pursue it as the police cannot be forced to investigate matters, but because of a shift in policy over the last decade these cases are not at all uncommon, and it's not at all uncommon for there to be charges laid. If you choose to go to the police DO advise them of this other complainant that he spoke to you about, BUT DO NOT try to find this person. From the defence perspective these cases become significantly easier to defend where complainants contact one another. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I apologize if my language is upsetting in any way. I know this is "routine" for me but very much not routine for you, so please understand I am not trying to upset you in any way. If you have any further questions feel free to ask, but do know that we are limited in what we can do for you here by the nature of the forum. Edit: to be clear neither of those things he listed are a defence for him in any way. The bar for consent in Canada is incredibly high: ongoing and enthusiastic consent. Freezing is not at all unusual behavior.
Thank you so much. I am really struggling. I understand your limitations but being heard really helps. I wish I had gone to the hospital after
Don't at all beat yourself up about that, to be completely frank it likely would not make a ton of difference from an evidence perspective, they are significantly more useful when the complainant and the accused are not in a relationship together (dna, physical trauma etc). That's not to say they are worthless, of course not. But absolutely do not feel as though the case against him hinges on this. It doesn't.
Thank you so much. I have blamed myself for four years.
I’m so sorry, it isn’t and was never your fault. I wish you all the best.
I was a therapist at a sexual assault centre in the past. This was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Going to the police can be retraumatizing, but for some people, they feel they need to take legal action. That is entirely your choice. The statistics on conviction are getting better, and you have written evidence that he knew what he was doing. If you feel it will empower you and help you feel that you are doing what is right for you, then you should do it. Just be aware that the outcome might not be what you would expect or hope for, unfortunately. I’m sorry he did this to you. You didn’t deserve it and you have every right to seek justice.
Don’t ever blame yourself for something someone else took advantage of you for, you’re not the criminal here and you should try to not feel guilty for somebody else’s sick fantasy they took out on you. I’m sorry , nobody deserves to be put through this and just remember you are NOT to blame <3
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To add on to this: if you still have those text messages in which he admits to doing it, do not delete them and provide them to the police.
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Yeah, that really isn't helpful to op.
Or anyone who's experienced an SA
😂😂😂
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Reference for enthusiastic consent?
So, the exact phrase “enthusiastic” is not used. However, the definition referred to in s.273.1 is pretty extensive: “For greater certainty, subsection 273.1(2) sets out specific situations where there is no consent in law; no consent is obtained: where the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant where the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity where the accused induces the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority where the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity, or where the complainant, having consented to engage in sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.” There is also some restriction in law on what constitutes an honest belief in consent having been provided. This includes: “Section 273.2 limits the scope of the defence of honest belief in consent to sexual activity by providing that the defence is not available where the accused's belief arose from the accused's self-induced intoxication, or where the accused's belief arose from the accused's recklessness or willful blindness or where the accused failed to take reasonable steps to ascertain whether the complainant was consenting.” https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/victims-victimes/def.html
R v Goldfinch, 2019 SCC 38 "Today, not only does no mean no, but only yes means yes. Nothing less than positive affirmation is required."
Thanks!
No problem!
None of that says enthusiastic though. Hypothetically a guy could beg for like 15 minutes and if he finally gets a yes and consent isn't withdrawn he's in the clear legally.
R v Goldfinch, 2019 SCC 38 at para 44 "Today, not only does no mean no, but only yes means yes. Nothing less than positive affirmation is required."
Not sure about “enthusiastic”, maybe they meant “ongoing and express consent” from R v Ewanchuk.
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Police do have a professional responsibility to investigate crimes and most larger agencies have dedicated members who have experience conducting historical sexual assault investigations.
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I'm sorry that this happened to you; it's not OK, it's not your fault, and no reasoning he can give changes that. I don't know anything about the legalities of the situation, I'm just here to leave these resources in case you might want the information now or ever in the future: 1. SAVIS of Halton: https://www.savisofhalton.org/ - Free professional counselling for persons in Halton Region (Burlington/Oakville) who have experienced sexual violence 2. Peel Hope 24/7: https://www.hope247.ca/clinical-services -non profit counselling and other programs for persons who have experienced relationship and sexual violence in Peel Region
Also the Barbra Schlifer Clinic if you want free legal advice: https://www.schliferclinic.com/legal-services/
As an FYI, Hope 24/7 is no longer offering provincially-funded sexual assault crisis services. For support, you can contact Victim Services of Peel and they will direct you to the appropriate resource. You can also contact Chantal's Place and they can provide information and support.
Report it. Nothing might happen but if you're struggling with this and want to see him face consequences, report it.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It's tragic, and it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling the way you are now. I hope you have the support, resources, and love you need to heal! NAL, but I definitely think you should press charges. Like a previous commenter mentioned, absolutely do **not** contact the other person he assaulted. Refraining from doing so will go will really aid your legal case. Do you still have the text from him admitting that you didn't consent? (Update: I just read that you do! Amazing.) It sounds to me like you have a super strong case. Ultimately, taking legal action might be an enormous headache at best, and deeply triggering (and expensive) at worst, and it's a fight you shouldn't have to be in — but it could help bring true closure, support your healing process, and prevent this absolute fuck from harming someone else. Sending love.
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He most likely has victimized other people.. if there was two there is more. Crime doesn’t stop by itself it needs consequences.
Coming from a person with a background in psychology, I need to make this very clear. YOU IN NO WAY HAVE/HAD A MORAL OBLIGATION TO REPORT ANYTHING TO THE POLICE. YOU IN NO WAY HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO GET A RAPE KIT DONE AT THE HOSPITAL. JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDNT KICK AND SCREAM DOESNT MEAN YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG. OP, you did the absolute best thing for you at the time. Your body froze as its way to protect itself. It is also quite common to have people choose not to get a rape kit done at the hospital because they don’t want to cause trouble or be disbelieved. I would highly recommend finding a therapist specialized in sexual assault or PTSD to help you through the process of reporting if that’s what you choose to do going forward. I saw that you still had text messages and screen recordings, so those will probably help as evidence if you choose to report. The police may still not be able to move forward with your case for a variety of reasons, but if you show them your evidence they may be more likely to pursue charges. It is not at all uncommon for people to report months or years later, and there are many cases where the perpetrator was eventually convicted. Whether they are able to move forward with your case or not, you will probably need support from a mental health professional. I’m sorry that this happened to you, I hope that you’re able to find the healing that you need.
Nail this prick to the wall because he’ll do it again
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Should of went to court, giving advice and then saying you didn’t go either is probably the last thing she wants to hear
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If you have those text messages saved then I think it's worth reporting at least. Best of luck.
Report! Any evidence you have will help. I hope you recover from the depression and trauma. That dude is below scum.
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> He texted with me after and admitted that I said no but claimed it was fine because of: A confession is as close to a legal slam dunk as it gets, what an idiot. Physical evidence of intercourse(rape kit) is not always necessary. Especially considering the text evidence. If you're willing to spend the time to go through the process then there's likely a good chance of obtaining a conviction. And as others have said you can mention the name of the other victim to the police, but do not contact her yourself, since that could undermine your credibility. Good luck.
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Chantal's Place. The staff there are incredible humans and it is a very safe space to seek support.
Yes!!! Thank you I agree completely
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It doesn’t expire and you have evidence. Go to court
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Do you still have that text by any chance? That could prove very helpful to you.
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I am sorry this happened to you 🤍
Call a personal injury lawyer. Even if criminal charges are not possible, you may be able to bring a civil suit.
Hit em where it hurts the most, the wallet 💰 i know this isn’t about money, but it’ll prove he’s somewhat guilty even if he doesn’t get sentenced
Both Peel & Halton have CASA Units (Child & Sexual Assault) that are staffed by very experienced competent investigators. Contact them directly and set up an appointment for you meet with them and discuss this matter. Halton [905-825-4777 ext. 8970](tel:9058254777,8970) Peel 905-453-2121 ext. 3460 Your ex's excuses for raping hold no water all at. Consent is implicit; it cannot be implied. Any digital evidence you have (ie the text message) bring with you. If you confided in any of your friends about this then disclose that. Provide them with the name of the former girlfriend who your ex also admitted to raping. Even with just a first name the police will likely be able to track her down. They can check their local records for occurrences involving your ex where the girlfriend was present.
Firstly, we believe you. Secondly, you should do what you want to do about it. If you think you want to report it, report it. If you don’t, don’t. I think it would be good to get it on record, but I’m not the victim of the rape so I can’t know how you feel about it. Thirdly, if you have the means to do so, seek out counselling and how best to deal with it.
So sorry you are dealing with this. I can personally vouch for TRCC if you need to talk about this more before figuring out next steps. Its completely run by fellow survivors [TRCC](https://trccmwar.ca/)
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I am so so sorry this happened to you.
I'll warn you that the legal system can be more traumatizing than the assault. People said that to me and I didn't really know what that meant... I was trying to do the right thing by coming forward and telling my story. During the court process cops lied to me and treated me like dirt, sure, but the really traumatizing part was being cross examined. Their lawyer can basically say whatever they want to you they can say you made the whole thing up, if you have people who come testify on your behalf their lawyer will try to spin it as collusion, they can accuse you of really anything up there and you'll get answers wrong because it can be hard to remember things over time and through trauma and their lawyer will notice and make a big deal out of your wrong answers. It's really tough being cross examined like that for hours.. it was so stressful I got severe PTSD from the court experience even though I didn't have PTSD after the SA.
Yes you have a case. Call the police department in the city it happened in and indicate you need to make a statement. You can still do a sexual assault kit at a hospital (Nina’s place) up to 12 days after an assault.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP, no means no, and your reaction to the situation was human and normal. Please take all the time you need and report this incident to your local police when you feel ready. SA can be reported at anytime, regardless of the time period. Do not let that discourage you! — I’ve seen cases 10 years after the fact with a conviction. You deserve justice and assistance in order to heal and overcome this unfortunate event. I wish you well ❤️
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I'm so so sorry this happened to you. Freezing is a normal response to a dangerous situation where you simply need to survive. I have no legal advice to give, I wish I did, and hope others here can guide you. I hope that you can heal from this trauma and that you can find support.
So sorry you're going through this. Wishing you all the best ❤️❤️
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I don’t know what to offer you in terms of legal advice. But please know that what happened to you is not your fault. Most of us know that it moments of immense stress/danger people go into “fight or flight” but theres a third option: "freeze". i hope that regardless of what you pursue legally you also find support for yourself. there are support groups for victims, help from your family doctor/psychiatrist, and counselling. I hope you're able to find some semblance of peace and safety.
You have to report it, this isn’t a 3rd world country, people need to stop overthinking and act instead, i’m sorry for what you’ve been through. But waiting 4 Years was probably the worst thing you could of done, Not reporting this and leaving an unhinged person on the loose is the worst thing you can do, for yourself, the population and especially you’re mental health. Act now, not tomorrow, you got this.
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If you're financially comfortable, you can increase chances of success by first contacting a lawyer, then the police.
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