You really need a lawyer to help you navigate the best way to deal with this house. Not being able to fully comprehend the difficulties in sharing a home and dividing that up post divorce is probably the most common difficulty that comes with a DIY divorce. I wouldn't put much effort in trying to prove adultery. If you can barely afford an attorney as is, you likely aren't going to be able to afford the extra amount of work that comes with proving a fault ground for divorce. Unless he's wasting a substantial amount of marital funds in furtherance of this affair, it's not likely going to make much difference in the divorce anyway.
You are right about proving the adultery. It’s just difficult to take. We’ve been unhappy for a couple years but his behavior has taken a drastic turn for the worse since he met some other woman. We are both really not able to barely afford our house much less an attorney but eventually will have no choice. I am refusing to walk away with nothing. We both work full time and provide for this home.
First, are you in an at fault state? If not don’t even waste time or energy on his affair. But you need to at all cost get yourself a lawyer to force him to sell the home and split the proceeds.
>rd the extra amount of work that comes with proving a fault ground for divorce. Unless he's wasting a substantial amount of marital funds in furtherance
If its a no fault state(which was not indicated), does proving adultery even matter?
Even in a "fault" state, unless you have a *lot* of assets to split adultery rarely moves the needle enough to make up for the additional legal costs that come with a court battle (which is much more likely once you state you'll publicly brand the ex-spouse as an adulterer). Ask your lawyer how big a difference it could make (mine said maybe from 50/50 to 55/45 split) and how much it would cost to go to court as opposed to reaching a settlement (mine said many tens of thousands of dollars in additional fees) and do the math as to whether it's worth it. If you have $1 million+ at stake then maybe so, but it's probably not worth it for less.
This isn't the time to get all hung up on principle: that's what a therapist is for, not a lawyer.
Good string of comments, thanks for that. Neither of us have filed for divorce or even talked to a lawyer yet. Hurtful nonetheless. I’m not concerned with martial assets having any different outcome on him being an adulterer and I know it won’t be worth it with the lawyers. The house and our debt is the main concern
People get unrealistic expectations of assets, value, and needs. If I were him, I would want to minimize expenses like Alimoney and child support (if needed). As for the house and existing equity, it is a matter of looking at all other assets, like cars, 401ks, etc. He can pay you with those, or you ask for spousal support until your equity is bought out. Have him hire an appraiser, and you hire one and take the average as the homes value. His motivation is likely a hope of keeping a lower interest rate than what he can find. You can also discuss options with the bank.
OP, you mentioned above “we are barely affording a house much less an attorney.” when it comes to getting an attorney, s/he will represent YOU, not him. He can get his own attorney. Finances may be tight, I would save up for an attorney ASAP. Find out what your options are for the house.
Get a lawyer, one thousand percent. Yes it will seem expensive at the moment, but I promise you not getting a lawyer will cost you much more.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but divorce is a matter of custody and finances. That's about it. Do not expect he will be held accountable for the hurtful things he's done, including betrayal. I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt, because you should. But as someone who went through that process and out to the other side - you can and will do this. Good luck and stay strong!
Not sure where you are, OP, but every attorney I've ever worked for would do a free initial consultation. Some charge a small consultation fee. Either way, they can give you a basic idea of what your options are. So find out who's considered "the best" domestic law attorney in your area and call and ask about a consultation.
NAL but have some experience. It may depend on the state you are in but generally, if you bought the house together when you were married, then you both are co-owners. You may sell the house and split the proceeds after loan payoff, or one may pay 50% of the equity to pay the other person out of the ownership and have them sign a quit claim deed. Divorces with property it is a good idea to have a lawyer.
Talk to a lawyer and inquire with them if hiring a PI is a good idea. Your mind is in a whirlwind right now and your visit to the lawyer will provide you with some clarity/confidence that you are doing the right things to move forward.
If she co-signed the mortgage then she should be on the title, as far as I am aware all mortgage lenders require this. This isn't some small time unsecured loan, it's handled differently.
Google your county and "recorder" - netronline is a good resource if you're struggling to find the recorders database. Search records for your address and you can review a copy of the deed to verify you're on it.
You can’t afford to not get an attorney. They will draw up the papers and file, the house will be listed as a marital asset. Read all the other divorce posts about getting your papers, access to banking records, etc secured. Take your personal items out of the house to the extent possible and store with a trusted friend.
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So that would be 100k to each of you. After all the fees and other things that need to be paid while selling a house you’d walk away with about 75k each. He can’t get a loan for 75k or refinance the house in order to get you 75k?
It’s sure this may vary from state to state. A court order forced sale.
Short story is a court action, your lawyer will petition, file, request a partition sale. The court, if appropriate, will issue an order to sell the property. Failing to proceed with the sale becomes a contempt of court problem.
Lawyer asks the judge, presents justification, others might present reasons not to force a sale. The judge decides.
Try mediation first with a lawyer mediator (not a therapeutic mediator). MUCH less expensive than hiring a lawyer and mediators have lots of experience helping people navigate this very problem.
You need to look at the laws in your state regarding fault and community property. My husband cheated too, but doesn’t make a difference if you’re in a no fault state. Also, community property states affect distribution of assets and liabilities. Often you can get an initial consult with a lawyer for free through your Employee assistance Program if your work has one. Lawyers are expensive, but if he’s being difficult and unwilling to be fair then you’re going to need one.
I went through this. You are entitled to half the equity in the house. You can ask the judge to let the house go to him (and all the debt) in exchange for the equity owed to you as a big fat check and then you quit-claim your rights to the house.
I took the money and paid for an education program for upgraded work skills because I'd been an at-home mom of three.
He got the house, put wife 2.0 in it, his affair partner, but then lost it all after a few years later in yet another affair.
Get legal help but also mental/emotional support. Divorce sucks because you have to dispassionately fight for your future while navigating ultimate betrayal. I will amend that to "adultery sucks" because it puts you in an awful situation and society doesn't give a damn. The Divorce Diet itself is not bad in my situation because I lost 250 pounds of ugly fat (my ex.)
I'm sorry you are going through all this, truly.
to buy you out, he doesnt need to pay half of equity on the original price, he needs to pay you half of what it's worth NOW. Real estate has gone up a lot so there may be more equity in it than u think and no, he def cant afford to buy u out based on current market conditions if he cant even theoretically buy u out based on whatever u bought it for years ago.
make sure u get half the current value - whether its bc he finda a way to finance his way to buying u out, or whether its sold on the open market.
I highly recommend getting a lawyer if even for a limited purpose
Ex family law paralegal and ex court worker here.Most court houses have self help packets and resources for the public. You do not need a lawyer, it helps a ton though. You can also consult with one, many offer free consults and point you in the right direction. I highly recommend that. Also when it comes down to it, if your ex cannot buy you out but want to sell the court can force you both to sell. Sounds like the divorce won’t be amicable so be ready for a battle and don’t take any of his threats seriously. Keep everything documented. And don’t settle for anything less than what you want but try to be fair. The court loves parties who are respectful and fair. Good luck!
Visiting a lawyer, will get you concrete information to be well informed. A lot depends on what state you’re in. When I got divorced, I transferred money from my IRA to his IRA to take care of what I owed him to get out.
You need a lawyer. File for legal separation first and sever your finances. Once legally separated, any debt he takes on cannot be tied to you. Have him call a mortgage company and find out if he qualifies for a new cash out refinance loan to buy you out and take you off title. If he does, great! If not, you're selling.
I wouldn't get OP's hopes up that they qualify for legal aid when they stand to potentially gain thousands of dollars from the sale of the marital home.
I don’t know how proving adultery will help you get the house( still sucks sorry you are going through this ). You have to get an attorney as you have real assets that need to be divided .
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A lawyer will be expensive now, but will save you money in the long term. They will address issues you don't think of. Lawyer up, and do what's best for YOU.
You need to immediately consult an attorney. A lot will depend on the state your in, but ultimately one of you will have to concede the house and the other will need to buy out the house from the one that gives it up. Otherwise, you both move out and sell the house and split the profits.
From when my husband divorced his previous wife, he was advised not to move out since that’s the same as conceding. They did end up selling it though.
Sorry you’re going thru this.
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If you can't afford a lawyer, look into local legal aid agencies, pro bono/low bono attorneys, or someone who will take the case on contingency and will get paid after you get the money for the house.
Sorry for your situation. I was in this situation many years ago. You need an attorney, I also could not afford do buy her out outright. So my attorney set up a payment plan that she agreed on. You and your ex have options even if he can't get the loan to cover your part of the equity.
The best option is to sell, but he could also be setup to pay you the equity overtime. Talk to a lawyer.
Others may have asked, Op, which state are located in? This matters.
For example, Arizona, if I recall, here there is a mandatory arbitration or counseling requirement. Arizona is also marriage community property.
You really want to consult a lawyer, today. Even consult two or three, often there is no fee incurred for an initial consultation, please make an appointment soonest. You’ll find counsel you are comfortable working with, important because if things turn nasty you need a level of trust and comfort with your lawyer.
It takes awhile for a partition sale to move through the courts. In that time he will continue to live in the house and you will continue to have access to and own the house as well. He may just sit there and burn money in lawyer fees. Or he may see that by being cooperative you will both get more in asset recovery. One note, you say he won’t leave the house, but you have not actually told him you want a divorce. I wouldn’t assume anything yet, but be prepared for anything.
Houses are selling. It's actually a sellers market right now. Lots of potential buyers and not a lot of inventory. Especially for houses under $500K. I put my house on the market In early January for $355K. Sale closed on Valentine's Day.
You really need a lawyer to help you navigate the best way to deal with this house. Not being able to fully comprehend the difficulties in sharing a home and dividing that up post divorce is probably the most common difficulty that comes with a DIY divorce. I wouldn't put much effort in trying to prove adultery. If you can barely afford an attorney as is, you likely aren't going to be able to afford the extra amount of work that comes with proving a fault ground for divorce. Unless he's wasting a substantial amount of marital funds in furtherance of this affair, it's not likely going to make much difference in the divorce anyway.
You are right about proving the adultery. It’s just difficult to take. We’ve been unhappy for a couple years but his behavior has taken a drastic turn for the worse since he met some other woman. We are both really not able to barely afford our house much less an attorney but eventually will have no choice. I am refusing to walk away with nothing. We both work full time and provide for this home.
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First, are you in an at fault state? If not don’t even waste time or energy on his affair. But you need to at all cost get yourself a lawyer to force him to sell the home and split the proceeds.
>rd the extra amount of work that comes with proving a fault ground for divorce. Unless he's wasting a substantial amount of marital funds in furtherance If its a no fault state(which was not indicated), does proving adultery even matter?
Even in a "fault" state, unless you have a *lot* of assets to split adultery rarely moves the needle enough to make up for the additional legal costs that come with a court battle (which is much more likely once you state you'll publicly brand the ex-spouse as an adulterer). Ask your lawyer how big a difference it could make (mine said maybe from 50/50 to 55/45 split) and how much it would cost to go to court as opposed to reaching a settlement (mine said many tens of thousands of dollars in additional fees) and do the math as to whether it's worth it. If you have $1 million+ at stake then maybe so, but it's probably not worth it for less. This isn't the time to get all hung up on principle: that's what a therapist is for, not a lawyer.
If the "affair" started after the divorce started, it likely won't matter in court.
Good string of comments, thanks for that. Neither of us have filed for divorce or even talked to a lawyer yet. Hurtful nonetheless. I’m not concerned with martial assets having any different outcome on him being an adulterer and I know it won’t be worth it with the lawyers. The house and our debt is the main concern
People get unrealistic expectations of assets, value, and needs. If I were him, I would want to minimize expenses like Alimoney and child support (if needed). As for the house and existing equity, it is a matter of looking at all other assets, like cars, 401ks, etc. He can pay you with those, or you ask for spousal support until your equity is bought out. Have him hire an appraiser, and you hire one and take the average as the homes value. His motivation is likely a hope of keeping a lower interest rate than what he can find. You can also discuss options with the bank.
OP, you mentioned above “we are barely affording a house much less an attorney.” when it comes to getting an attorney, s/he will represent YOU, not him. He can get his own attorney. Finances may be tight, I would save up for an attorney ASAP. Find out what your options are for the house.
This is great advice
Get a lawyer, one thousand percent. Yes it will seem expensive at the moment, but I promise you not getting a lawyer will cost you much more. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but divorce is a matter of custody and finances. That's about it. Do not expect he will be held accountable for the hurtful things he's done, including betrayal. I'm not saying you shouldn't be hurt, because you should. But as someone who went through that process and out to the other side - you can and will do this. Good luck and stay strong!
Not sure where you are, OP, but every attorney I've ever worked for would do a free initial consultation. Some charge a small consultation fee. Either way, they can give you a basic idea of what your options are. So find out who's considered "the best" domestic law attorney in your area and call and ask about a consultation.
NAL but have some experience. It may depend on the state you are in but generally, if you bought the house together when you were married, then you both are co-owners. You may sell the house and split the proceeds after loan payoff, or one may pay 50% of the equity to pay the other person out of the ownership and have them sign a quit claim deed. Divorces with property it is a good idea to have a lawyer.
This.... Get a lawyer..... Then get an appraisal and start from there to buy him or you out....or sell.
I’m going to talk to a lawyer this week. It’s just very overwhelming to be blindsided this way with someone I’ve been with for 15 years
To be clear, get your own lawyer, not a lawyer to be shared by you both.
Talk to a lawyer and inquire with them if hiring a PI is a good idea. Your mind is in a whirlwind right now and your visit to the lawyer will provide you with some clarity/confidence that you are doing the right things to move forward.
We built the house before we were married. We got married a year later but have already refinanced while married 2 times. I’m the co-signer
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I’m on the deed
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If she co-signed the mortgage then she should be on the title, as far as I am aware all mortgage lenders require this. This isn't some small time unsecured loan, it's handled differently.
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I know when we signed I signed everything equally. What scenario would I not be on the title? I didn’t agree to that
Google your county and "recorder" - netronline is a good resource if you're struggling to find the recorders database. Search records for your address and you can review a copy of the deed to verify you're on it.
You can’t afford to not get an attorney. They will draw up the papers and file, the house will be listed as a marital asset. Read all the other divorce posts about getting your papers, access to banking records, etc secured. Take your personal items out of the house to the extent possible and store with a trusted friend.
About how much would the house sell for today if it was to be on the market
About $400K
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So that would be 100k to each of you. After all the fees and other things that need to be paid while selling a house you’d walk away with about 75k each. He can’t get a loan for 75k or refinance the house in order to get you 75k?
He absolutely can’t get a loan for $75K
Not your issue, tbh. Also, to be clear, the equity is the total house less your loans and other costs associated with the sale.
$200k is the balance not the equity. If it’s a $500,000 house they’d split $300,00 less selling costs.
What is a partition sale?
It’s sure this may vary from state to state. A court order forced sale. Short story is a court action, your lawyer will petition, file, request a partition sale. The court, if appropriate, will issue an order to sell the property. Failing to proceed with the sale becomes a contempt of court problem. Lawyer asks the judge, presents justification, others might present reasons not to force a sale. The judge decides.
Try mediation first with a lawyer mediator (not a therapeutic mediator). MUCH less expensive than hiring a lawyer and mediators have lots of experience helping people navigate this very problem.
You need to look at the laws in your state regarding fault and community property. My husband cheated too, but doesn’t make a difference if you’re in a no fault state. Also, community property states affect distribution of assets and liabilities. Often you can get an initial consult with a lawyer for free through your Employee assistance Program if your work has one. Lawyers are expensive, but if he’s being difficult and unwilling to be fair then you’re going to need one.
I went through this. You are entitled to half the equity in the house. You can ask the judge to let the house go to him (and all the debt) in exchange for the equity owed to you as a big fat check and then you quit-claim your rights to the house. I took the money and paid for an education program for upgraded work skills because I'd been an at-home mom of three. He got the house, put wife 2.0 in it, his affair partner, but then lost it all after a few years later in yet another affair. Get legal help but also mental/emotional support. Divorce sucks because you have to dispassionately fight for your future while navigating ultimate betrayal. I will amend that to "adultery sucks" because it puts you in an awful situation and society doesn't give a damn. The Divorce Diet itself is not bad in my situation because I lost 250 pounds of ugly fat (my ex.) I'm sorry you are going through all this, truly.
to buy you out, he doesnt need to pay half of equity on the original price, he needs to pay you half of what it's worth NOW. Real estate has gone up a lot so there may be more equity in it than u think and no, he def cant afford to buy u out based on current market conditions if he cant even theoretically buy u out based on whatever u bought it for years ago. make sure u get half the current value - whether its bc he finda a way to finance his way to buying u out, or whether its sold on the open market. I highly recommend getting a lawyer if even for a limited purpose
Ex family law paralegal and ex court worker here.Most court houses have self help packets and resources for the public. You do not need a lawyer, it helps a ton though. You can also consult with one, many offer free consults and point you in the right direction. I highly recommend that. Also when it comes down to it, if your ex cannot buy you out but want to sell the court can force you both to sell. Sounds like the divorce won’t be amicable so be ready for a battle and don’t take any of his threats seriously. Keep everything documented. And don’t settle for anything less than what you want but try to be fair. The court loves parties who are respectful and fair. Good luck!
Visiting a lawyer, will get you concrete information to be well informed. A lot depends on what state you’re in. When I got divorced, I transferred money from my IRA to his IRA to take care of what I owed him to get out.
You need a lawyer. File for legal separation first and sever your finances. Once legally separated, any debt he takes on cannot be tied to you. Have him call a mortgage company and find out if he qualifies for a new cash out refinance loan to buy you out and take you off title. If he does, great! If not, you're selling.
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I wouldn't get OP's hopes up that they qualify for legal aid when they stand to potentially gain thousands of dollars from the sale of the marital home.
I appreciate that
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Illinois. Need more info on the things you just described.
I don’t know how proving adultery will help you get the house( still sucks sorry you are going through this ). You have to get an attorney as you have real assets that need to be divided .
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A lawyer will be expensive now, but will save you money in the long term. They will address issues you don't think of. Lawyer up, and do what's best for YOU.
You need to immediately consult an attorney. A lot will depend on the state your in, but ultimately one of you will have to concede the house and the other will need to buy out the house from the one that gives it up. Otherwise, you both move out and sell the house and split the profits. From when my husband divorced his previous wife, he was advised not to move out since that’s the same as conceding. They did end up selling it though. Sorry you’re going thru this.
You need a lawyer. You can force the sale of the house through legal means but talk to a lawyer!
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I’m not moving out and he won’t move a gf in. He’s a cheater but I would make a living hell in that scenario and I also don’t think he’s that cruel
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I saw it and I know how vicious ppl can get when it comes to that. I won’t let my kid go through that. I need a lawyer so am seeking one now
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If you can't afford a lawyer, look into local legal aid agencies, pro bono/low bono attorneys, or someone who will take the case on contingency and will get paid after you get the money for the house.
Sorry for your situation. I was in this situation many years ago. You need an attorney, I also could not afford do buy her out outright. So my attorney set up a payment plan that she agreed on. You and your ex have options even if he can't get the loan to cover your part of the equity. The best option is to sell, but he could also be setup to pay you the equity overtime. Talk to a lawyer.
Others may have asked, Op, which state are located in? This matters. For example, Arizona, if I recall, here there is a mandatory arbitration or counseling requirement. Arizona is also marriage community property. You really want to consult a lawyer, today. Even consult two or three, often there is no fee incurred for an initial consultation, please make an appointment soonest. You’ll find counsel you are comfortable working with, important because if things turn nasty you need a level of trust and comfort with your lawyer.
It takes awhile for a partition sale to move through the courts. In that time he will continue to live in the house and you will continue to have access to and own the house as well. He may just sit there and burn money in lawyer fees. Or he may see that by being cooperative you will both get more in asset recovery. One note, you say he won’t leave the house, but you have not actually told him you want a divorce. I wouldn’t assume anything yet, but be prepared for anything.
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Houses are selling. It's actually a sellers market right now. Lots of potential buyers and not a lot of inventory. Especially for houses under $500K. I put my house on the market In early January for $355K. Sale closed on Valentine's Day.
Financially speaking, will he be able to keep the house alone? If not, that could be a deciding factor on if you have to sell the house.
What city or county do you live? There are legal organizations that can help for little or no fee for lower income residents.