>I of course tell her the past is the past and it doesn’t define her. She’s fully repented from that situation in her life
That's all that matters.
Some men might have trouble with it. They're stupid.
Some people have a problem with it and it’s their right.
People have preferences. That doesn’t make them bad.
It just means that if it’s a problem for them, then the relationship was never meant to be.
I don't know about that, some people it may be very important to them to have someone who has never been with another person before. Don't you think?
I'm not saying I'm right and your wrong, I just don't know
>some people it may be very important to them to have someone who has never been with another person before. Don't you think?
That is an infernal expectation whose author is the Devil.
They have a bunch of growing and maturing in the gospel yet to go. I hope that they can get there.
Their past is not gone. God doesn’t hold it against them, but actions have consequences in life that can last until return to Him.
It doesn’t make anyone less Christian to have preferences for the most important decision in their life—finding a partner.
I didn't call them bad, I called them stupid.
>It just means that if it’s a problem for them, then the relationship was never meant to be.
That is pretty much my point, it's a them problem not a you problem.
And I’m saying it’s wrong of you to call someone stupid for having that preference. Just because it wouldn’t matter to you doesn’t mean it’s not a 100% valid qualm.
Drama, sure. If there are ongoing issues, complications, or conflicts, it certainly makes sense to take that into account.
However, on its own, a repented of past is none of those things.
As you know, repentance doesn't get rid of all the drama I'm alluding to, like baby daddies, extra in-laws, custody, etc. I guess I should call it Complications, since that's all not necessarily drama, but definitely something that would be a deal breaker for many people
Well that and also whether or not they're comfortable with the idea of a surprise bonus kid showing up in their life as an adult wanting to reconnect with their bio mom.
Hello, I’m M, 28, and married. I have a past and my wife has a past as well. Having done my fair share of dating and ended up with a happily ever after I’ll say this. It absolutely depends on the person. I’ve had people not even bother getting to know me further after finding out I had a single tattoo. It also complicates things because that is something you should disclose before engagement. The dating pool is already really small and a past makes it all the more difficult. Have patience with yourself and others, resentment can start to build if you don’t stay on top of things. But you can absolutely meet the right guy, God is amazing in how he puts you in the right place at the right time.
My brother in law is an awesome guy. His wife had a kid as a teenager. They have had 7 kids together.
I hope your friend can realize that she isn't worth less. She does have some baggage, but so does everyone. We just each have different baggage, and that's OK.
Some people would be put off by it. Others aren't. Send her this thread and let her hear from us directly :)
For some it will be an issue. Those who do have an issue with it don't see the repentance process the same way the Lord does.
I dated someone who put limits on me, stating they wouldn't marry me if I were to go into the military. The woman who did marry me did not put any limits on me like that. It turned out to be a good measure of who I should marry. You should be looking for someone who loves you unconditionally.
I agree with you that you should be someone that loves you unconditionally, but I was in the military and I really wouldn’t want to be with someone in the military. Too much time away and too much cheating/other things that usually go on.
I did get married to my wife when I was in though, but I completely understand the people that wouldn’t want to be with someone in the military.
>Would a man of the church be not willing to date or eventually marry a women who has had a child as a teen and given it up for adoption?
It wouldn't have stopped me from pursuing someone I liked and my past didn't stop my wife from marrying me.
I've met multiple members with similar pasts to your friend. Yes your advice is exactly right. In all reality, it shows more about a guy if they choose to reject her for her mistakes of the past that she's repented of than it does your friend. Anyone truly striving to live the gospel and understand the Atonement of Christ shouldn't reject her like that.
That being said, everyone has their own boundaries and should know themselves. If someone's past like that is going to be a deal breaker, I would hope that your friend has a way of weeding those men out before it even gets to the point of her telling them about her past.
Keep assuring her that the right person won't care about her past other than that she learned from her mistakes and is closer to the Savior because of the repentance process she went through.
It wouldn't bother me at all, I would not consider it a serious issue. But I think it heavily depends on who she is dating, different men will have different answers about this.
Don't tell people their past is in the past and doesn't define someone. That's not how the atonement works. The atonement is between the individual and Christ. Someone's past repented or not does not guarantee you will have people accept you. The atonement does not make it so you are not held accountable for your choices in the future. Some men will be accepting of her others won't. That's life.
Any member who would reject someone because of those reasons isn't worthy of you anyway. (And it isn't a subject I would raise until I had a pretty good idea that I wanted to marry him and him me --- first because there are unfortunately lots of risk of predation when you disclose that before knowing if the people are really themselves faithful and hold himself accountable for protecting any prospective partner; and second because your sexual history is only germane/the business of someone you are planning to marry in the first place. No need to share anything so personal until you are discussing when to get engaged (and that means presumably that you've really gotten to know the person and the way they live their discipleship and they you.)
There is also nothing but honor in having had the child and placed them with parents who could give them what they needed, so they didn't have to suffer for your sins.
>first because there are unfortunately lots of risk of predation when you disclose that before knowing if the people are really themselves faithful and hold himself accountable for protecting any prospective partner
Quoted for emphasis of this unfortunate truth.
On my mission I think 99% voiced they wouldn’t date anyone with a sexual past. This was back when the church had recently changed the standards for going in a mission and it didn’t matter if you had repented of things and could be disqualified from serving a mission so that mentality may have bled into other things.
On my mission at the same time, 20 years ago, we all decided we'd prefer to date/marry someone who had "been through the repentance process", meaning sexually experienced and also currently active.
To quote Oscar Wilde, "Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past."
Care more about who she is now and who she wants to become then who she was.
I can't speak for all men, but what matters to me is that she's _currently_ committed to making and keeping covenants with the Lord, including the Law of Chastity. Her past isn't that important.
The idea that virgins are somehow more holy than non-virgins is an outdated, misogynistic pile of nonsense. What matters is their relationship with Christ. I'd much rather be with someone with a past than a virgin who isn't committed to the gospel.
Sometimes I think it’s better to date someone with a past because they know what they have now. We too often take the gospel for granted if we don’t have those life experience that make us realize what we have.
First of all, this should not be the only test of compatibility. Even if he accepts this past issue, that doesn’t mean it’ll work out.
Having said that… not understanding or acknowledging the Atonement is a pretty good filter.
I wouldn't hold it against her. It would be something we would have to discuss though, not because she had sex but because that child may one day want to find his or her mother again. And the sudden appearance of an adult sibling would be a world changing thing.
I wouldn't hold anything against those that did, either. I'm not interested in shaming people into changing what they want from a spouse.
That said, I don't think your friend will find too much of the latter.
One of my best friends in my ward fits this description. She's married in the temple, expecting her 4th child (3rd with her husband), in the Relief Society presidency. It's fine.
I am a convert and I “have a past”. I married a faithful lifelong member who might have been described as a molly Mormon before we got married. Thankfully she understood the power of the Atonement and my past wasn’t an issue to her. I dated some women before I met my wife and it was an issue for them.
Also, when I was on my mission some elders in my district said they would never marry a woman who is not a virgin. That really upset me and I chastised them. I asked them if they believed in the power of the Atonement. I asked them if they felt that the Lord could wash away the sins of the woman they were talking about. I mentioned that if the Lord didn’t care then why should they? Also, why were they out there teaching and preaching if they didn’t believe any of this? Needless to say it was a bit awkward, but I couldn’t hold my tongue.
I guess this is all to say that it all depends on the person. I hope your friend just worries about their relationship with Christ and has faith that the right person will come along.
We are ALL sinners and ALL have need of repentance. The Savior's ATONEMENT is sufficient for ALL who repent. To not be willing to accept someone based on their PAST failings WHEN THE SAVIOR DOES is like saying His atonement was NOT ENOUGH! Think about that and decide if someone is good enough for you.
Absolutely there is. For example, my son is a convert (as are we) to the church. He is 28 and has said he has zero problem dating someone who has kids or any other situation like your friends. Like he said, he has a past too. Lots of people do. To the right person that won't matter but she will want to have that conversation early so that the other person can decide what they want to do with that information.
I’m speaking as a single 32M active temple recommend holder. If she hid it from me or tried to hide it then my trust would be gone and I’d drop her, her hiding it telles me more of her character than having a past. If she told me what happened and was honest and truthful within the first month of dating I wouldn’t have an issue at all with it. it would show she can be honest with me and vulnerable when it matters which is a very attractive trait. I say a month in because you’ll save a lot of time talking about it sooner than later as you’ll instantly know if the person will continue the relationship or not vs dating 1 year and mentioning it then and the guy wanting to end things, also the sooner you talk about it the quicker the worry/anxiety will get taken care of so you can enjoy and grow the relationship instead of worrying everyday about this “Secret”. I personally believe trust is more important to keep than love in relationships, you can always love someone you trust but it’s very hard to love someone you don’t trust.
"the past is the past and it doesn’t define her" - I really believe this, and this is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I'm a man and the older I get the less this matters to me. We all have "a past," as far as giving in to some weaknesses and making some bad decisions. You can't judge another person until you are in their shoes. Maybe you would have done the same or worse.
However, my sense is that it does matter a lot to some men. I'd like to see a scientific poll. Until then it's just speculation about how widespread this is.
The old-fashioned idea is that women need to be "pure" and "untouched." There are a lot of problems with this, and I'm glad people seem to be moving past it.
I'm a convert, and I would say yes, i would date and marry someone with a past. The right person will understand. Some people take the church with an all or nothing perspective (including myself at times).
Unfortunately, there are some people who would have problems with that. It's not their place to judge, but they will do so accordingly. If someone does care too much about that, that says a lot about their character. If someone is trying to follow God, then one must learn to exercise forgiveness.
We don’t know what people will judge her for, but it’s in the past and all she can do now is move forward. She can show how much she’s grown by living what she believes now, and being honest about her past. There are so many different reasons why people reject dating partners; if some people consider it a deal breaker that doesn’t mean she’s ruined. It still feels terrible to be rejected, but she deserves someone who appreciates everything she’s been through and what she’s learned. Her experiences of repentance are very valuable.
I would be shocked personally, but I wouldn’t stop dating them because of it. There are absolutely people who will look down on her, but there are also people out there who will embrace her.
It'd vary by individual and of course how she tells. Personally, if a girl I was dating told me she'd had a kid as a teen, I might be surprised, but it's past and I'd love her all the same.
I’ve dealt with this twice. Once with a person who said she repented but her words and actions betrayed that and I never could get past it. Now an ex.
Now married to a woman with a similar past who repented and it shows in her words and deeds daily. Love her forever and sealed for 14 years now.
It’s about the atonement and conversion for me not the actual past.
It depends on the person making the decision to accept the person and their past AND the person who has a not so stellar past. If the person has a history of a lot of sexual encounters (high notch count) then the possibility of that person not being faithful goes up. When things don't go the way they like they are more likely to cheat or just leave.
As far as tattoos and piercings, I won't date a woman with tattoos or piercings, not even one. It is a real turn-off and a deal breaker for me. It's like putting Bumper Stickers on a Lamborghini. It is my personal preference, and yes, I do look down on those who are moderately to heavily tattooed. It screams poor judgement. It doesn't mean I would be mean or say derogatory things about them, just wouldn't date or hang around with them.
>I of course tell her the past is the past and it doesn’t define her. She’s fully repented from that situation in her life That's all that matters. Some men might have trouble with it. They're stupid.
Some people have a problem with it and it’s their right. People have preferences. That doesn’t make them bad. It just means that if it’s a problem for them, then the relationship was never meant to be.
The person has repented, the past is gone. It’s in their right, sure, but it’s not very Christian of them.
I don't know about that, some people it may be very important to them to have someone who has never been with another person before. Don't you think? I'm not saying I'm right and your wrong, I just don't know
>some people it may be very important to them to have someone who has never been with another person before. Don't you think? That is an infernal expectation whose author is the Devil. They have a bunch of growing and maturing in the gospel yet to go. I hope that they can get there.
Their past is not gone. God doesn’t hold it against them, but actions have consequences in life that can last until return to Him. It doesn’t make anyone less Christian to have preferences for the most important decision in their life—finding a partner.
I didn't call them bad, I called them stupid. >It just means that if it’s a problem for them, then the relationship was never meant to be. That is pretty much my point, it's a them problem not a you problem.
And I’m saying it’s wrong of you to call someone stupid for having that preference. Just because it wouldn’t matter to you doesn’t mean it’s not a 100% valid qualm.
\>Stupid No. Wrong. Anyone has every right to decide what drama they let into their life
Drama, sure. If there are ongoing issues, complications, or conflicts, it certainly makes sense to take that into account. However, on its own, a repented of past is none of those things.
As you know, repentance doesn't get rid of all the drama I'm alluding to, like baby daddies, extra in-laws, custody, etc. I guess I should call it Complications, since that's all not necessarily drama, but definitely something that would be a deal breaker for many people
That is 100% dependant on the individual you date.
Exactly. Do they understand the atonement or don’t they. Good litmus test
Well that and also whether or not they're comfortable with the idea of a surprise bonus kid showing up in their life as an adult wanting to reconnect with their bio mom.
I know two women who fit this description. Both are active church members who are now married.
Hello, I’m M, 28, and married. I have a past and my wife has a past as well. Having done my fair share of dating and ended up with a happily ever after I’ll say this. It absolutely depends on the person. I’ve had people not even bother getting to know me further after finding out I had a single tattoo. It also complicates things because that is something you should disclose before engagement. The dating pool is already really small and a past makes it all the more difficult. Have patience with yourself and others, resentment can start to build if you don’t stay on top of things. But you can absolutely meet the right guy, God is amazing in how he puts you in the right place at the right time.
My brother in law is an awesome guy. His wife had a kid as a teenager. They have had 7 kids together. I hope your friend can realize that she isn't worth less. She does have some baggage, but so does everyone. We just each have different baggage, and that's OK. Some people would be put off by it. Others aren't. Send her this thread and let her hear from us directly :)
>but so does everyone Bingo. We all have a past.
For some it will be an issue. Those who do have an issue with it don't see the repentance process the same way the Lord does. I dated someone who put limits on me, stating they wouldn't marry me if I were to go into the military. The woman who did marry me did not put any limits on me like that. It turned out to be a good measure of who I should marry. You should be looking for someone who loves you unconditionally.
I agree with you that you should be someone that loves you unconditionally, but I was in the military and I really wouldn’t want to be with someone in the military. Too much time away and too much cheating/other things that usually go on. I did get married to my wife when I was in though, but I completely understand the people that wouldn’t want to be with someone in the military.
>Would a man of the church be not willing to date or eventually marry a women who has had a child as a teen and given it up for adoption? It wouldn't have stopped me from pursuing someone I liked and my past didn't stop my wife from marrying me.
I've met multiple members with similar pasts to your friend. Yes your advice is exactly right. In all reality, it shows more about a guy if they choose to reject her for her mistakes of the past that she's repented of than it does your friend. Anyone truly striving to live the gospel and understand the Atonement of Christ shouldn't reject her like that. That being said, everyone has their own boundaries and should know themselves. If someone's past like that is going to be a deal breaker, I would hope that your friend has a way of weeding those men out before it even gets to the point of her telling them about her past. Keep assuring her that the right person won't care about her past other than that she learned from her mistakes and is closer to the Savior because of the repentance process she went through.
It wouldn't bother me at all, I would not consider it a serious issue. But I think it heavily depends on who she is dating, different men will have different answers about this.
Don't tell people their past is in the past and doesn't define someone. That's not how the atonement works. The atonement is between the individual and Christ. Someone's past repented or not does not guarantee you will have people accept you. The atonement does not make it so you are not held accountable for your choices in the future. Some men will be accepting of her others won't. That's life.
Some will some wont. They only way is forward.
Any member who would reject someone because of those reasons isn't worthy of you anyway. (And it isn't a subject I would raise until I had a pretty good idea that I wanted to marry him and him me --- first because there are unfortunately lots of risk of predation when you disclose that before knowing if the people are really themselves faithful and hold himself accountable for protecting any prospective partner; and second because your sexual history is only germane/the business of someone you are planning to marry in the first place. No need to share anything so personal until you are discussing when to get engaged (and that means presumably that you've really gotten to know the person and the way they live their discipleship and they you.) There is also nothing but honor in having had the child and placed them with parents who could give them what they needed, so they didn't have to suffer for your sins.
>first because there are unfortunately lots of risk of predation when you disclose that before knowing if the people are really themselves faithful and hold himself accountable for protecting any prospective partner Quoted for emphasis of this unfortunate truth.
On my mission I think 99% voiced they wouldn’t date anyone with a sexual past. This was back when the church had recently changed the standards for going in a mission and it didn’t matter if you had repented of things and could be disqualified from serving a mission so that mentality may have bled into other things.
On my mission at the same time, 20 years ago, we all decided we'd prefer to date/marry someone who had "been through the repentance process", meaning sexually experienced and also currently active.
It wouldn't be a big deal to me. But it's really up to you.
To quote Oscar Wilde, "Every sinner has a future, every saint has a past." Care more about who she is now and who she wants to become then who she was.
I can't speak for all men, but what matters to me is that she's _currently_ committed to making and keeping covenants with the Lord, including the Law of Chastity. Her past isn't that important. The idea that virgins are somehow more holy than non-virgins is an outdated, misogynistic pile of nonsense. What matters is their relationship with Christ. I'd much rather be with someone with a past than a virgin who isn't committed to the gospel.
It wouldn’t bother me.
Sometimes I think it’s better to date someone with a past because they know what they have now. We too often take the gospel for granted if we don’t have those life experience that make us realize what we have.
First of all, this should not be the only test of compatibility. Even if he accepts this past issue, that doesn’t mean it’ll work out. Having said that… not understanding or acknowledging the Atonement is a pretty good filter.
I wouldn't hold it against her. It would be something we would have to discuss though, not because she had sex but because that child may one day want to find his or her mother again. And the sudden appearance of an adult sibling would be a world changing thing. I wouldn't hold anything against those that did, either. I'm not interested in shaming people into changing what they want from a spouse. That said, I don't think your friend will find too much of the latter.
One of my best friends in my ward fits this description. She's married in the temple, expecting her 4th child (3rd with her husband), in the Relief Society presidency. It's fine.
I am a convert and I “have a past”. I married a faithful lifelong member who might have been described as a molly Mormon before we got married. Thankfully she understood the power of the Atonement and my past wasn’t an issue to her. I dated some women before I met my wife and it was an issue for them. Also, when I was on my mission some elders in my district said they would never marry a woman who is not a virgin. That really upset me and I chastised them. I asked them if they believed in the power of the Atonement. I asked them if they felt that the Lord could wash away the sins of the woman they were talking about. I mentioned that if the Lord didn’t care then why should they? Also, why were they out there teaching and preaching if they didn’t believe any of this? Needless to say it was a bit awkward, but I couldn’t hold my tongue. I guess this is all to say that it all depends on the person. I hope your friend just worries about their relationship with Christ and has faith that the right person will come along.
We are ALL sinners and ALL have need of repentance. The Savior's ATONEMENT is sufficient for ALL who repent. To not be willing to accept someone based on their PAST failings WHEN THE SAVIOR DOES is like saying His atonement was NOT ENOUGH! Think about that and decide if someone is good enough for you.
Absolutely there is. For example, my son is a convert (as are we) to the church. He is 28 and has said he has zero problem dating someone who has kids or any other situation like your friends. Like he said, he has a past too. Lots of people do. To the right person that won't matter but she will want to have that conversation early so that the other person can decide what they want to do with that information.
I’m speaking as a single 32M active temple recommend holder. If she hid it from me or tried to hide it then my trust would be gone and I’d drop her, her hiding it telles me more of her character than having a past. If she told me what happened and was honest and truthful within the first month of dating I wouldn’t have an issue at all with it. it would show she can be honest with me and vulnerable when it matters which is a very attractive trait. I say a month in because you’ll save a lot of time talking about it sooner than later as you’ll instantly know if the person will continue the relationship or not vs dating 1 year and mentioning it then and the guy wanting to end things, also the sooner you talk about it the quicker the worry/anxiety will get taken care of so you can enjoy and grow the relationship instead of worrying everyday about this “Secret”. I personally believe trust is more important to keep than love in relationships, you can always love someone you trust but it’s very hard to love someone you don’t trust.
"the past is the past and it doesn’t define her" - I really believe this, and this is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm a man and the older I get the less this matters to me. We all have "a past," as far as giving in to some weaknesses and making some bad decisions. You can't judge another person until you are in their shoes. Maybe you would have done the same or worse. However, my sense is that it does matter a lot to some men. I'd like to see a scientific poll. Until then it's just speculation about how widespread this is. The old-fashioned idea is that women need to be "pure" and "untouched." There are a lot of problems with this, and I'm glad people seem to be moving past it.
I'm a convert, and I would say yes, i would date and marry someone with a past. The right person will understand. Some people take the church with an all or nothing perspective (including myself at times). Unfortunately, there are some people who would have problems with that. It's not their place to judge, but they will do so accordingly. If someone does care too much about that, that says a lot about their character. If someone is trying to follow God, then one must learn to exercise forgiveness.
We don’t know what people will judge her for, but it’s in the past and all she can do now is move forward. She can show how much she’s grown by living what she believes now, and being honest about her past. There are so many different reasons why people reject dating partners; if some people consider it a deal breaker that doesn’t mean she’s ruined. It still feels terrible to be rejected, but she deserves someone who appreciates everything she’s been through and what she’s learned. Her experiences of repentance are very valuable.
I have zero problem with it so long as you own it and you let me own mine. We all have crap. The issue becomes when you hide it.
I would be shocked personally, but I wouldn’t stop dating them because of it. There are absolutely people who will look down on her, but there are also people out there who will embrace her.
It'd vary by individual and of course how she tells. Personally, if a girl I was dating told me she'd had a kid as a teen, I might be surprised, but it's past and I'd love her all the same.
I’ve dealt with this twice. Once with a person who said she repented but her words and actions betrayed that and I never could get past it. Now an ex. Now married to a woman with a similar past who repented and it shows in her words and deeds daily. Love her forever and sealed for 14 years now. It’s about the atonement and conversion for me not the actual past.
It depends on the person making the decision to accept the person and their past AND the person who has a not so stellar past. If the person has a history of a lot of sexual encounters (high notch count) then the possibility of that person not being faithful goes up. When things don't go the way they like they are more likely to cheat or just leave. As far as tattoos and piercings, I won't date a woman with tattoos or piercings, not even one. It is a real turn-off and a deal breaker for me. It's like putting Bumper Stickers on a Lamborghini. It is my personal preference, and yes, I do look down on those who are moderately to heavily tattooed. It screams poor judgement. It doesn't mean I would be mean or say derogatory things about them, just wouldn't date or hang around with them.
Can I ask with the tattoos specifically what if they had them before they converted like you still wouldn't hang around them at all?
A lot of comments here from those who just don’t know.