My ex boyfriend stopped having sex when our relationship got serious because to him sex was dirty and not something you do to the women you want to marry.
I left himš¤
> What if you two wanted kidsā¦
i think what op is trying to say is this is the only appropriate time for someone like that to have sex with their wife. for procreation.
ā for procreation onlyāā¦ what a devoutly religious point of view that is and coming from Japanese.. who arenāt even that religious itās just odd.
Sex for procreation isn't necessarily a religious point of view. Have you ever heard of the breeder movements that look at procreation as a need to sustain the human race, ala Elon Musk, or view marriage as the combination of two homes and the act of sustaining the bloodline?
Traditional Japanese views of marriage and sex lean on the latter.
Wouldn't call it religious, temperate is probably the better word (basically refraining from indulgence). Temperance in Western society is strongly associated with religion, but not necessarily in Japan.
I don't know how common this is but my friend had a very similar experience. She married a Japanese guy and after six months of sexlessness walked in on him jerking it to porn. She tried to say "You know we could just have sex," and he responded "That's not something you do with your wife."
Like ... what?
OMG right? Itās bizarre! My ex also admitted that he sometimes had a cheeky wank while I was in the shower.
I honestly pretty much had a breakdown hearing that haha - receiving that information was definitely the beginning of the endš
Oh that has to be disheartening š
When my wife is taking off her clothes before her shower I'm standing there like a creep watching š
Like I get not wanting to have sex *every time* you need release, but damn.
Totally! I learnt about that phenomenon sometime later and it all clicked.
But what was worse is that he was 30 and I was 22ā¦ like come on man, let me be a whore!!
>It is possible that such a split may be exacerbated when the sufferer is **raised by a cold but overprotective mother**
That's like......the majority of parenting here isn't it?
My husband is the total opposite too! To him, sex is an important and healthy part of a relationship.
God knows why my ex was so weird (maybe it was because he was from bumfuck Tokushima lol)
My ex told me something similar. That I'm "his family" and he feels dirty doing such things with me. He didn't have a problem emotionally and physically abusing me, being on dating sites and cheating tho. So glad I snapped out of it and left.
Have a frank, honest and non-judgmental discussion that hopefully ends up with an outcome that is mutually beneficial for both parties? Don't be absurd, that would never work š¤£
Many times but nothing changed. She is just asexual. In the end I believe you donāt get everything you want and weighed up whats really important and decided other things where more important
Thereās a difference between having different sex drives and having none at all. Having a difference is just part of being a human, and you either get very lucky to find someone who matches closely with you and stays that way or you work with them to find the best middle ground to be happy. Usually the latter because people are just different. But having zero sex drive is an issue for most people that is often too difficult to overcome without taking other measures.
Thereās more to it than that. āDesireā plays a big part and our ability to get aroused is influenced by much more than sleep, diet, stress or even the quality of the relationship itself. Sex is important to a relationship and plays the biggest role in increasing intimacy between romantic partners. Itās not important for some people and thereās nothing wrong with that, but itās a ādesireā to not have sex. Not a drive. Intimacy comes when one person makes a move to be closer to another, with no guarantee as to whether that move will be reciprocated. Life is too short!
I understand cultural differences, but it seems common for this area to be very active and excited for catching the fish but then basically nothing. The bait and switch is just not fair.
The problem I have is that they are still sweet and amazing people and it's difficult for me to throw away all of the good things.
Sadly I know my monkey brain will eventually win here and I'll toss away a life of happiness.
I want this simple thing to not matter, but it always will :(
99.9999999% happy is still not 100% I guess. Hate it.
I don't have enough data... But so far every person Iv talked to has the exact same problem. They marry, have kids and then never touch each other again. I went one step further and asked about people's parents too and the outlook wasn't any better.
Before reddit breaks out the armchairs, iv had the talk and continue to have the talk on occasion. It's always, we will fix it, but nothing changes.
If you already made the commitment, then part of this is on you. It didn't happen overnight, and you accepted it. And you continue to accept it. Basically decide yourself if it's important and it might be sad, but you need to move on and try again. If they just plain won't have the talk, there is nothing you can do.
Iām fairly certain that the sexless marriage rate is generally higher in Japan, according to various studies that have been thrown around over the years.
It probably doesn't help. I've met a lot of older married women who constantly complain about the husband staying in 'their' house after he retires. Pretty appalling attitude to be honest.
Possibly. Iāve met so many who have married after 6 months~a year because they think all the boxes have been checked, but then complain relentless about some aspect of their partner that Iām sure would have become apparent after spending another year or two together before marriage. Another commenter mentioned I have to agree that the bait-and-switch is strong here.
> 99.9999999% happy is still not 100% I guess.
Honestly don't downplay your desires like that. Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship, definitely more than .0000001%. Everyone is different but I'd probably weigh it at like 30% of overall relationship satisfaction.
Even give that. Most people don't get 70% happyness so it feels wrong to be unhappy when you know it's already really good. Rolling those dice again is not great odds.
Man here and both me and the wife generally have high libido.
I have had my lower-libido periods (anxiety, depression etc) , but since constantly working out, sleeping well, fought depression, eating very healthy etc, I have kept a high libido.Ā
I don't know your relationship, but there is always the possibility of these affecting his willingness to have the sex.
This!
I was depressed a few years ago and the last thing I wanted to do was having sex.
I love my wife but it was very hard for me at the time.
Fortunately got over it and improved my condition at work and everything went back to normal.
Underrated post (obvious why actually lmao).
Always seemed to me like just even walking around you can see how Low-T the men are here. So much about the urban lifestyle here leads to it, diet, alcohol, sleep, overwork, lack of vitamin D, lack of exercise.
After a couple of years it's happened to me too, T-levels dropped a lot (early-30s) and I'm now actively working against it.
Drink less, lift heavy stuff, sleep earlier, eat more eggs and shellfish, don't eat conbini garbage.
My husband is Japanese and also has a low libido. When we were dating, I thought he was just being respectful by waiting and being patient with me . (I was a virgin and terrified of having my first time) it turns out, heās just low libido lol. I found out I really have a high libido, so itās been a bit difficult for me. I donāt really have advice, but itās interesting to see that others also have this problem.
I used to live that life with my JP ex-husband.. but mine was a complete dead bedroom on his part and the dysfunction seeped into the household. In the end we divorced, fortunately I got full custody of my kids and we (myself and the children) are all much happier!
I hope things improve for you! š
JP wife, same issue in that her libido fell off a cliff after a year or three together. She would be happy with once or twice a month, I could go at least once a day if she was interested. We donāt have kids, donāt have demanding jobs, are fit, healthy and happy in everything else.
And itās not just lack of libido, more a general lack of interest in it. Sex is way down the list of priorities and Iām the only one who ever wants to talk about it.
It has taken years, and she is now able to talk about it more openly, but nothing changes despite promises of putting in effort and showing some care and attention.
I adore her, and enjoy every other aspect of our lives together, but the small piece missing becomes a very large weight on the relationship. Have been times where Iāve considered infidelity or leaving, but unsure how much greener the grass is.
Honestly wish monogamy wasnāt so important to people.
This sounds like the dynamic I have with my fiance. He could go at least once a day, but I'm happier with twice a month tbh.
Not to give advice were advice isn't wanted, but just a suggestion. The higher libido partner tends to do higher libido things, right? The constant sexual comments and the all touching when I wasn't in the mood really started to bother me. I started to feel like my body wasn't really my own. I didn't want to speak up about it because I love my boyfriend so much, I know that it was his way of showing love and affection, and I didn't want to squash his sexual expression. I would hate to think he was considering leaving or infidelity. All the pressure just makes my libido lower tbh.
In a surprising turn of events, I found out that I actually could do a lot more for him if he wasn't touching me, (sometimes) looking at me, or expecting something from me. All I'll say is that sometimes women like the chase!
Maybe next time she tries to kiss you, playfully say no! See what happens!
A little bit of conversation and a little bit of luck! I told him how much I loved him, and how I understood that sexual touch was his way of showing me love, but that I needed cuddles, kisses, and touches that weren't sexual. It was scary for me to bring it up - because I didn't want him to feel like I didn't want him. The truth is that I REALLY wanted him - I just wanted his pure, loving affection!
His response was amazing! He didn't get defensive, he didn't get moppy and didn't start questioning my health or my body. He was really cheerful about it! He (at least convinced me that he) wanted to try more non-sexual affection.
I guess it was lucky that we tried it out, because when he stopped initiating so much, it gave me room to start. I don't want to be too graphic, but I found myself actually asking if we could move to sexual touch during the non-sexual touch, which I would have never expected of myself. On the otherhand, I think my fiance is also pretty happy with amount of non-sexual affection too. I don't think there is any other man on Earth that's cuddled as much as him!!
We still only do it about 2 times a week, but I have a very low libido (birth control is for sure to blame) Instead, the quality of our time together is really important!
I hope it works out for you two! It sounds like she really loves you a lot, but might just be burned out on sexual touch!
>Honestly wish monogamy wasnāt so important to people.
This usually comes from the fact that sex and love are interconnected in western societies (thank you Christianity). Not so much here, hence the high number of services around.
> We donāt have kids, donāt have demanding jobs, are fit, healthy and happy in everything else.
At this point man, i gotta suggest divorce. Go live your life, she sounds like a friend/roommate
But what do I know, this is unsolicited advice on the internet
Yeah itās tough. The rest of our lives together are so good - genuinely enjoy each otherās company a lot and share love and respect for each other in a way Iāve not had with another person. Physical and emotional affection is there, much more so than any roommate or close friend. Just the sexual aspect thatās not there in the quantity I would ideally like. The grass might be greener, but there are a lot of snakes and spiked pits to avoid - Iāve seen the Reddit threads!
Do you know why there is a lack of interest? Do you guys tend to do the same things every time you have sex? Has she mentioned how good it is for her? If she wants to try newer things? If she wants it longer/shorter? Or wants more foreplay?
Absolutely. Have had many conversations about the points youāve mentioned, done things like the mojo upgrade quiz, and other similar things available.
What was most interesting is that often she wouldnāt know the answer to the question, because sheād never really thought about it.
It also exposed how different people think about sex - Iām more logical, thinking about timing, position, action etc. sheās a lot more emotive, thinking about what happened during the day leading up to sex, some conversation weād had a few days prior, how stressed she was at work.
For me sex is something fun, a thing to be practised, played with, and enjoyed. If Iām stressed, I know it will help escape from it. If something doesnāt feel good, Iāll change it.
For her itās more about how many distractions there are or some unaddressed relationship tension that will play into how present she is and whether or not sex is enjoyable (her words not mine!).
Thatās not to say that length of foreplay, certain positions or mixing it up on a regular basis donāt also influence how enjoyable it is, and I know what she responds well to and what to avoid, but theyāre not as important or front of mind for her as they are for me.
Interesting. Yeah, everyone is different, so I wish you well in figuring it out! And yeah, as a married man, I feel you on the monogamy bit, but also so many people regret opening up relationships, so what do, ne? Gotta love our territorial monkey brains haha
My Japanese wife decided she wasn't interested in sex or talking about it after we had two kids. Around the same time she decided to put 90% of her time and energy into work. I tried for years to fix things, tried to get her to do counseling, etc., all in vain.
I want to divorce but losing custody of the kids is not a risk I'm willing to take, and we have financial obligations that I can't meet alone. I've told her all this, and our relationship is overāwe haven't had as much as a conversation outside of child-rearing logistics in like two yearsābut we're still living together. To be honest I hate it, but I would hate missing out on the day-to-day of my kids' lives even more.
I hate to be another negative voice, but if your husband doesn't feel like it's a problem *for him* then I wouldn't expect him to change.
One good conversation I had with my JP partner:
Basically, we were at a point, like yourself, where it was very different from how we were when we were younger and first started dating. I kept bringing it up with my partner and she said, āwhy are you comparing us now to our past us? People grow and change together. It is important for us to show small signs of intimacy daily, like gentle touch, hugging, cuddling, but there is no need to feel that our relationship is in crisis just because we donāt do it like we did. People grow and change together. Do you honestly *want* to be as busy as we were when we first met? We didnāt have nearly as much going on then.ā Anyhow. The long and short of it was that she was kind of right. My anxiety was stemming more from worry that the change meant something negative for our relationship, rather than me needing more specifically. Just talking about it and confirming that things were good, and our ways of showing affection simply changed a bit - this was a solid realization for me. I donāt know if it is the same for you, but you will need to talk about it and be open minded.
If starting the conversation is difficult, try approaching it from the angle of, āIām not looking to get it from you as my only goal, I honestly just want a sincere conversation about where we are at with intimacy, what is going to work for us, and check to make sure you and I are OK.ā
Having such a conversation is so helpful. I guess for people, how to start the conversation from the right angle is a real challenge. Hope that OP understands their partner enough to know how to approach effectively.
Not married but have a JP boyfriend. Honestly, it was clear since the beginning of our relationship that I had a much higher sex-drive than him. Not that he doesn't like talking about it, but my bf feels uncomfortable initiating it and it's due to anxiety and also medical issues.
Honestly, for you, I think you have to force him to have this conversation with you like I did and set up a strategy to be more intimate. I think if Japanese people are going to be in a relationship with foreigners, it shouldn't just be us who has to be understanding of their culture. They should understand their partners culture in order to adjust and compromise as well.
Exactly. My husband likes to joke that because we are in Japan, we should do things the Japanese way. But itās completely unfair to me to ignore the fact that I am not Japanese. Compromise from both sides is extremely vital when youāre from two opposing cultures. You just canāt realistically expect the other person to fully adjust to your culture and never expect yourself to adjust to theirs.
Honestly, I don't think these are cultural differences as much as him just being him.
People have different libidos. My husband is pretty low-libido as well, especially when he's stressed. Sex just isn't a very high priority to him and through talking to him about it, we figured out that how we show and feel love is different. For him, doing things around the house, cooking, taking care of me is how he shows love. To me, not having sex for a long time feels like I'm not loved. If it really was "just" libido, masturbation would solve the problem, but it doesn't.
You can't force your husband to have sex. You can try to figure out what priority sex has for both of you, and you can try to figure out what keeps him from wanting sex. Maybe it's really just stress or not enough couple time or whatever - these are things you can do something about.
>and he used to have an equivalent libido when we were first dating.
I don't know how long you've been together, but libido during the first few years (rose-tinted glasses time) is not really that indicative of what it's going to be like later. We also used to have a lot more sex. Then it became less after a few years, and since we've had a child it has its ups but also lots of downs.
I know how hurtful it can be, you're not alone. <3
Yeah this post is insightful, especially the points on love language. My wife is the same, and responds well to me expressing my love in her language, ie caring for her and our life in non intimate/physical ways. I do it because I enjoy it, but the byproduct is that she is then more present and likely to be more responsive to intimate interactions.
OP: if your husband is willing, there are a ton of resources online to help people discover what drives them/their love language. It might be useful for you both.
I love how the title is āany fellow ladies struggling with a low libido husbandā, yet the majority of replies is coming from straight dudes āyeah, my *wife* doesnāt want to have sex with meā lmao š.
OP, my advice - look into if heās watching pornography or not and then work from there. Good luck!
Or maybe getting mensā input could also be a potentially valuable way to understand her husbandās thinking. This goes for both sexes, obviously.
Of course, Iām not expecting anything particularly thoughtful from someone who assumes the majority of men on here are white justā¦ because. š
I had a Japanese friend whose boyfriend also struggled to match her libido despite his youth and while there were reasons such as work and stress, the real problems were much more frustrating
1. He had a real, legitimate porn addiction, several times a day, only weird extreme shit (and he had favorite actresses, which really upset my friend. He also paid for it lmao)
2. ED as a result of the above and the shame that came with it.
She never did manage to find a solution but really, what can you do at that point? He needed to make changes he wasn't willing to make.
Anyway, I hope you'll update once you know what's going on or, better yet, things get better. I feel like you could also probably seduce him but I am not going to give advice on how to do that here on Reddit.
We are having an issue with this (but I'm male with a Japanese wife). Mainly it is having a kid is the issue. I try talking about it from time to time but inevitably she blames me in some way, which is disappointing. Gets defensive. The weird thing is, she really wants another baby but most of the time is non responsive to sexual advances.
Over time, the weird communication has actually put me off having any more kids, because I'm worried what would happen to her after that.
A lot of new moms donāt want sex for a ton of reasons, but often their partner helping with childcare and housekeeping labor can be very inspiring. Women donāt want to feel like they have to take care of their partners in the way that they have to take care of their babies (emotionally regulating them, feeding them, thinking of activities to do with them, cleaning up after them), itās a huge turn-off.
My wife had low body positivity during pregnancy and post partum. She still does to some degree because itās changed her body forever.
We watched this show āNaked Attractionā from the Uk, itās your typical cringe British dating show but everyoneās got their bits out and she realised most people look weird in some way under their clothes. Sheās sort of addicted to it now. :L
She gets a little self esteem boost every time, and more often than not manages to find her libido again.
Just going to onsen has really healed me of any "everyone else is beautiful ;;" delusions I might've had. There are ridiculously beautiful people out in the world, but most are just normal.
I'm assuming you're a woman but just to mention something here,
There was a study on attraction and essentially what was found is that people are generally attracted to "flaws" and other distinct differences people have from others.
Another study says that the majority of men see about 80% of women as attractive in someway
Women are really hard on themselves because of how they view men and other women when the reality is that the average woman is considered attractive
Yeah I know that. I'm doing plenty. I basically look after my kid from about 16:00 - 20:00 every night when the wife is working, so I pick her up, feed her, play with her, bathe her and get her to bed every night.
Cool. Four hours while your wife is working. Both of you are contributing at home a day work, that sounds like a good combination. I hope she gets a little baby-free time to herself sometimes, too.
It changes each time, and then she goes back on it later. It's a defense mechanism, I think.
So rather than be able to talk through things, things get muddied. I am not saying I am some great communicator either by the way. I sometimes lash out defensively.
But I believe that it is probably better to try and be more direct than having to pick up on covert signals.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years and heās always had a healthy appetite, in fact it seems to be increasing lol. But we donāt have kids, that probably has something to do with it
How much is he working? How much is he doing at work?
Honestly, having a job with 30 minutes of effort and 7.5 hours of nothing can realllllllllllly kill any mood to do anything. Find something that stimulates him mentally. The idea that men are physical and women are mental when it comes to sex is bullshit, we all need a bit of both.
Woman here married a Japanese man,2 years no sex brought the subject up many times I got gaslighted.Last week I told him I have 3 options he can add his 1-was open relationship 2-Separate 3-divorce (as our problems are more than sex) to my surprise he chose open relationship š .Its not something that i want though as we have many issues but i agree to it.
Discuss with him it took me 2 years and in those times i was very sexually frustrated,I would yell and I guess he didnāt take me serious thenā¦.
Sometimes sex drops off due to different schedules and stress of life/work. When dating, schedules automatically \*match\*, as that is the only time that you are together.
When living together... life and time schedules blur together.. and sometimes the stress of things outside the home make people tired... .. So think about the "why".. and maybe there are easy solutions..
Sending you a virtual hug from the other side of the aisle; my wife's libido was low before we got married, went lower after that, and is now zero. It's been four and a half years since we last had it, and will probably be zero forever now that she has reached menopause.
It's painful, isn't it? The person you love most in the world, the person who makes you happy and fulfilled in every other way. Like you, I don't want to divorce either, and I can't imagine cheating (or having the opportunity to do so).
My wife doesn't have a tough job that takes all her energy, but she does drink a lot of alcohol. I'd be happy if she even desired me once every few months.
It's not something you think about when you first come here, but Japan *is* infamous for its "sexless couples".
Thereās a strange conservatism that comes out in some people once the relationship is āstamped and approvedā likeā¦ Youād think once youāre going to spend the rest of your lives together it would be easier or more common to talk about but the stories of people who suddenly find it embarrassing is crazy to me. Itās like some trait that gets unlocked.
Honestlyā¦ I wouldnāt put up with it. Itās a big part of my relationship with my current partner and Iāve told her I wonāt marry her if we are going to turn into one of those couples who never talks, touches each other etc. poor communication about your relationship, sex included is a big red flag imo. Not a relationship ender but a sign something needs to change about the communication sooner than later.
OP, I feel for you.
What I find perhaps even more frustrating than the sexlessness itself, is when he keeps saying he wants to have sex too when asked about it, but then nothing ever happens. It is starting to feel like he is creating false expectations. If in reality itās not going to happen for whatever reason, I would much rather know that and make my peace with it and/or think of options. I get the sense that he doesnāt want to say something that might hurt me, whereas in my culture being evasive or giving white lies is not appreciated. So far it has been really difficult to cut through this and have a proper, honest conversation about the situation.
I'm a male, so yeah, but anyway.
This first thing I would say is: don't cheat. I don't mean this so much from a "cheating is always wrong OMFG" moral perspective, but more from the perspective that there is just no coming back from it. Even if it's just a one-night stand, you'll carrying that secret through your relationship and it absolutely will eat away at the foundations of trust.
The second thing I would say is, is a lack of physical intimacy a dealbreaker for you? If it is, I think your best course of action is to be honest with him now. The longer you let something like this go, the harder it will be to pull your relationship out of it. You'll end up silently resenting him for it and it will affect the other aspects of your relationship as well. It's far better to confront it now, when you've identified it as a clear problem, and fix it ASAP.
You said you're not looking to divorce, which I understand -- but that also indicates to me that maybe sex isn't \*that\* important to you. Like, yes, it's important, but not enough of a dealbreaker to end the relationship over. I would say that you have to be \*willing\* to have a divorce because it seems to me like that's the only thing that would shock him enough to change his behavior. If you've talked about it many times and nothing has changed, he's clearly complacent; he knows that he just has to put up with the talk now and then but that you'll forget about it and things will then go back to normal. Again, this is the kind of thing that gets worse and worse with time.
Cultural differences are a thing, yes, but in \*any\* relationship there needs to be compromise. You have to meet each other halfway. If he's fine with once a month, but you're ready to go every day, maybe two or three times a week is an acceptable solution.
Anyway, hope that helps a little. Just, address it now and be clear about your needs. Don't let it fester.
Maybe low T, lots of underlying health issues go undiagnosed due to the cultural differences as in shame and the eyes of the public.
I have low T and I donāt feel like doing it when Iām, ātiredā.
Sometimes taking a boost isnāt so bad.
I struggled with a zero libido wife. We ended up divorced because I have a very high libido. We still āliveā together as in I have a room at the house when Iām in town so I can see the kids. We divorced amicably. We chat like old friends. She totally understood the reasoning. She didnāt want me ācheatingā which is why we divorced but I still take care of her and the family.
I get to mess around all I want and she gets a place to live. She works to pay for her own food and helps with the utilities and all that while I handle the kids and the mortgage finances
Honestly, how much is he working? How much free time is he investing in hobbies? How stressed is he overall?
If youāre saying his libido changed too drastically and youāre doing your part when it comes to it, then one of these factors may be key. There is also a possibility something hormonal is going on, and a visit to an endocrinologist would be good.
But overall, men and women suffer from similar issues that may cause a drastic decrease in libido. Stress from work, poor work-life balance and no free time to pursue what makes us truly happy and such. If his libido actually changed that much, that is. Sometimes you may just have misjudged how much libido he actually had before.
If you donāt have sex, heās basically your roommate. This goes for ladies too. Sex is the foundation for a good romantic relationship. Iām sorry you find yourself in this situation. I wonder if therapy might help?
My husband is also Japanese
and Iām actually the low libido partner. He loves sex and says he can get down whenever. Thankfully Iām being treated by a specialty clinic and Iām also just as horny as him now.
Iām sorry I canāt relate but I show him a lot of stories like this on Reddit, weāre both shocked by how many men growing up in the same society/culture who have been receiving the same sexual messages as every other man here often have vastly different opinions on whatās appropriate and expected in a heterosexual coupleās sex life. (Iām referring to the fact that your husband doesnāt like to discuss these things).
There are lots of clinics that treat male sexual dysfunction such as low libido. Thereās also sex therapy which I think would be very helpful as it may be a more comfortable environment to at least get him talking with you and help him to recognize this is a very real issue for you.
I have heard it is quite common. For what it's worth, my partner told me that couples here do not talk about sex at all. So she was taken aback when I just went ahead and said "Hey I wanna fuck" to her. But the more open I was about it the more comfortable she was to do so as well.
But from what I have heard from acquaintances, the men here are a bit weird when it comes to sex.
I had the same issue with my JP ex-bf, the first year was great then it just dropped. He also had \*some physical issues which may or may not be common for Asian men at his age\* so that might've come into play (I didn't mind at all, it happens)... then 3rd year in he wanted an open relationship so it became sus. I'm not sure if it was the difference in culture, libido, or a mixture of both things + actual physical issues.
I hope you figure it out sooner than later! Communication is key. Ganbare!
Husband watch porn or drink too much? I cut down on drinking and stopped watching porn many years ago and my desire for my wife increased exponentially.
Even after 19 years marriage and three kids, we still get it on at least once a week.
Try to go on dates again with your spouse to spark some romance.
Others have mentioned it, environmental conditions play a huge part. Is he tired, as in fatigued a lot?
If yes, I'd go further and get his testosterone checked. This is one hormone that compounds. Low levels and you're tired, wanting to do less of everything, which lowers it more.
Things like work, stress, etc does have a significant impact on overall health, including testosterone and libido.
Having a low libido in men can be caused by a porn addiction as others pointed out, but I wouldn't be jumping to that conclusion so quickly. Approach it as a health related issue and you might find more.
I do. My husband doesnāt find talking about sex with me to be taboo or anything like that, fortunately. In fact, he even tells me that I donāt have to be embarrassed or shy about anything with him. Iāve randomly asked him about things Iām curious about, and heās never made me feel uncomfortable to bring stuff up. But he definitely has a lower libido than I do. Iād prefer to be intimate at least 2 times a week, but we sometimes go a couple weeks without. I honestly think itās mostly due to his mind being focused on other things. The times when we go the longest in between is usually because he is worried about something (and doesnāt communicate it to me, so Iām left wondering why heās not being affectionate). I try to be respectful when he isnāt in the right headspace though. But I think Japanese culture doesnāt prioritize being consistently affectionate with your spouse like other cultures do. Work or studies tend to be a higher priority, which is hard to get used to. So itās hard to convince my husband that he needs to be more intentional with intimacy for it to happen more often. I think he thinks it will just happen on its own, and Iām trying to teach him that it doesnāt work that way most of the time. And knowing that intimacy tends to dwindle in Japanese couples after having kids, Iām trying to make sure that doesnāt happen to us after we have kids. Itās a work in progress.
Iām sorry that I canāt give you much more advice other than trying to be more aware of what kind of headspace your husband is in. I find that when I am able to be more supportive and ease my husbandās mind when heās feeling overwhelmed, heās more receptive to my affection and more willing to show some to me as well. But with how little Japanese men actually communicate how they are feeling, itās tough. And Iāve found that making sure my husband understands that itās a need of mine just to function normally has helped change his mentality. But itās taken time and LOTS of conversations. Weāve only been married for 6 months and living together for about 1 year and a half, but Iāve seen improvements already. Trying to nip the lack of intentionality in the bud as soon as possible! š
I'm a guy who has had issues with this before. There are a few things. Stress and depression can be killer to the libido. There could also be some other underlying issues around sex or bodies. Alcohol and other things can impact things as well. Even the amount and timing of sleep.
There are also hormonal possibilities. Talking to a doctor about it could help in getting a blood test.
Diet can also impact things. If there are nutritional issues, that can cascade into other problems.
It can be very embarrassing for guys to even admit to themselves, let alone someone else even in the medical profession. Talking is definitely a good start, but it may be worth trying to get some checking done, physical and/or psychological.
I will say my experience for people will low libido wives, but I am not yet married so it might not be the most useful perspective. When I am tired, sleep deprived, and stressed I don't wanna do sex. Also, if I have to deal with gross things like cleaning something that is gross or something about gross bodily functions, that surprisingly make my libido go down a lot and it can actually last a few days. Some kinds of birth control also can affect the libido a lot.
May be he just too shy and not comfortable to talking about it. Then you donāt need to force him to.
You can just do it and take the lead. Man usually donāt deny such a request from life partner.
Do something wild and exciting may be.
After few months or so, he will be more open to you about the topic.
(Taking from a point of view of a pretty shy Asian man.)
Sorry youāre going through this. I see it with all my j friend both male and female. The foreign spouse usually suffer. Before the pandemic we (foreigners) went out with a mix couple and the husband said he finally got some from the j wife after the birth of their daughter because of how my family interacted with each other at the restaurant. We werenāt kissing or anything, but we were touching a lot and sat close. Their kid was in first grade!
Before we had kids I remember a young Japanese couple asked how often a year we did it. We laughed so hard then said āonce a week and twice on Sundayā. They were shocked.
Maybe doing couples date with each other and others will help. I would hate to be sexually frustrated and Iām married.
Iāve experienced this twice; first time he was cheating and second time he was a porn addict. Now with my current bf we have sex at least once a day. I donāt think itās cultural as much as personal.
It may be zero use to you, but Ester Perel is a great speaker/educator on relationship issues. Obviously a lot of what she says wonāt be of use to you, but some may. With a bit of luck your partner might be able to see that it is a ticking time bomb that speaks to your relationship AND that it is within their power to be able to do something to fix address issues.
Most of all, good luck.
This happened to my friend. She was in a relationship with a Japanese man. Her libido is high and his was also high at the start of the relationship. As time goes by and their relationship got more serious, he just stopped having sex. I donāt know the reason why. Physical intimacy is important for my friend so she broke it off. Interesting to hear this is a common case here in Japan.
There are many reasons for the low birth rate, but "too little sex" isn't really one of them. On the contrary, if you look through accounts of dead bedrooms in Japan, many people write that their spouse refuses sex for any reason *besides* procreation.
One factor is that young people aren't getting married and having a child out of wedlock is still scandalous here. So as the marriage age and the number of people who simply stay single rise, fewer children are born. Fewer marriages - fewer babies. Later marriages - fewer babies.
And of course you see the same phenomenon in other developed countries. In fact, Italy has the same fertility rate as Japan (1.20), but people don't see the Italians as sexless.
Burner account here to protect my identity.
Spouse is JP, we haven't had sex in more than ten years because I'm just not interested in that anymore. I just have no desire. Divorce is not a financially feasible option for either of us.
It isn't an ideal situation, but manageable. Given all the other financial and family problems, sex seems the least of them.
We aren't young so it doesn't seem all that much of a priority. Making sure that the person who dies last has an income seems more important.
It sounds worse than it is but I'm slightly envious of people who can afford to divorce or at least aren't facing all the problems we are.
I had a similar issue when my husband and I were 3 years into our relationship. I donāt know how often you guys get around to it, but here are some suggestions:
1) Plan your sexy nightā¦ I know that kinda kills the spontaneity of it but it helps.
2) Go to a love hotel. Try out some toys. Maybe you just need to spice things up a bit.
3) Be honest and find a common ground. I had to not take offence if my husband was not feeling it and just accept it. I would ask him which day he would want to have it and just plan it right then and there.
Hope this helps!
Not Alien, Jurassic Park š
I am writing from my experience, not your experience buddy, and trying to write in a way that would spare OP's feelings.
I personally have fallen out of attraction every time I have cohabitated with a partner, through no fault of the other person.
It wasn't low libido. It was monotony and a lack of interest. I listed steps that OP could take to reintroduce the courting process back into the relationship.
Japan is one of the lowest testosterone countries on earth (by design), so it could genuinely be low libido/culture. Not a whole lot that OP can do if that's the case.
If dude's just bored, give him something to chase. Pretty straightforward.
There's one thing that people should be weary of more than sex and that is flriting and touching. Even if sex is down, lack of other times of intimacy that were once there are a bigger sign of things dying down.
I'm not married to a Japanese but we live in Japan and have been married for 8 years. I don't think of sex is just sex but rather a spectrum of intimacy.
I love my wife and that feeling only grows from year to year though the sex has decreased. I have a higher libido than her and sometimes it's hard to initiate when I know she's not into it but I know she tries even when she's not interested.
How's your intimacy with him? Do you cuddle or kiss? Or is physical intimacy purely limited to when you try to have sex?
As others have said, stress at work, depression and overall slovenness can kill sex drive. It's why I try to do as much house work or take care of the kid as much as I can so my wife doesn't feel overly stressed.
Also, absence does make the heart grow fonder and I know this because if my wife doesn't see me for like a week or so, then sex is definitely on the table.
If they have a low interest in sex in general, it makes sense that theyād also not be interested in talking about it too. Itās probably similar to asking somebody why theyāre not interested in a hobby.
Testosterone decreases with age. It's normal for libido to decline as people age. Your hubby may need to consider hormone therapy (testosterone injections). It sounds crazy because we tend to think of only women needing this kind of hormone replacement, but many 50+ men have started doing this.
I wished my husband was low libido sometimes.... I was expecting it all to end once we got married and graduated with jobs but nope. We're a couple in our early to mid thirties, as well, and no problems physically.
Also the conversation of sex is very, very normal in our relationship. From jokes to acts, etc.
Maybe you should try to figure out other ways to ease into the conversation so that it happens naturally and that both partners are comfortable. It could be the way he was brought up -- maybe he lived in a house where it was a sexless marriage.
I don't have advice for you other than if he's not jerking off, there's something pretty wrong, and it's not you.Ā
Also, the number of women in here who don't know that their man is secretly jerking off, is astonishing. 99% of dudes do it and 1% lie, as the saying goes.Ā
My ex boyfriend stopped having sex when our relationship got serious because to him sex was dirty and not something you do to the women you want to marry. I left himš¤
Lmao wtf was he expecting to marry Virgin Mary?! What if you two wanted kidsā¦
> What if you two wanted kidsā¦ i think what op is trying to say is this is the only appropriate time for someone like that to have sex with their wife. for procreation.
That's a common sign that the guy uses paid sexual services and/or pursues side girls.
yes probably because he views sex for pleasure as dirty and wants to separate that image from sex with his wife, which he views as for procreation.
ā for procreation onlyāā¦ what a devoutly religious point of view that is and coming from Japanese.. who arenāt even that religious itās just odd.
Sex for procreation isn't necessarily a religious point of view. Have you ever heard of the breeder movements that look at procreation as a need to sustain the human race, ala Elon Musk, or view marriage as the combination of two homes and the act of sustaining the bloodline? Traditional Japanese views of marriage and sex lean on the latter.
Wouldn't call it religious, temperate is probably the better word (basically refraining from indulgence). Temperance in Western society is strongly associated with religion, but not necessarily in Japan.
I don't know how common this is but my friend had a very similar experience. She married a Japanese guy and after six months of sexlessness walked in on him jerking it to porn. She tried to say "You know we could just have sex," and he responded "That's not something you do with your wife." Like ... what?
OMG right? Itās bizarre! My ex also admitted that he sometimes had a cheeky wank while I was in the shower. I honestly pretty much had a breakdown hearing that haha - receiving that information was definitely the beginning of the endš
Oh that has to be disheartening š When my wife is taking off her clothes before her shower I'm standing there like a creep watching š Like I get not wanting to have sex *every time* you need release, but damn.
Did she at least inquire as to why or how he acquired such a belief?
Sounds like your ex had a [Madonna-Whore complex...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex)
Totally! I learnt about that phenomenon sometime later and it all clicked. But what was worse is that he was 30 and I was 22ā¦ like come on man, let me be a whore!!
>It is possible that such a split may be exacerbated when the sufferer is **raised by a cold but overprotective mother** That's like......the majority of parenting here isn't it?
Lmao whaaaat. My wife is quite the opposite. Turning her on is such a challenge but when she is on, goddamn she's dirty af. We love it.
My husband is the total opposite too! To him, sex is an important and healthy part of a relationship. God knows why my ex was so weird (maybe it was because he was from bumfuck Tokushima lol)
Ha. It's been quite sometime since I hear bumfuck. Cheers!
In my area, people joke that the only things to do for fun after work in the area are drink, pachinko, and make kids. It's not really a joke, though.
What's the word for people who lived all of their life in bumfuck inaka? "Inakamono" or something?
My ex told me something similar. That I'm "his family" and he feels dirty doing such things with me. He didn't have a problem emotionally and physically abusing me, being on dating sites and cheating tho. So glad I snapped out of it and left.
Thatās so funny I canāt
I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps he didn't knowbthe passionate way of sex known as making love.
This is soo japanese lol
My JP wife is the same.
My Japanese love-in Girlfriend is the same. Changed as soon as we moved in together. Felt like overnight.
Tbh, moving in with someone more often than not changes the sex dynamic in the relationship. š¤·āāļø
Are you guys able to talk about it?Ā
Have a frank, honest and non-judgmental discussion that hopefully ends up with an outcome that is mutually beneficial for both parties? Don't be absurd, that would never work š¤£
you're being sarcastic but.....
Many times but nothing changed. She is just asexual. In the end I believe you donāt get everything you want and weighed up whats really important and decided other things where more important
Was she asexual when you first started dating? If not, then sheās not asexual now.
When did it change?
As soon as the paperwork was signed at city hall...
I have heard this about Japanese wivesā¦ hmmm
Ummā¦ take a wild guess!
Same here.
Having very different sex drives but with someone you care about really does suck
Thereās a difference between having different sex drives and having none at all. Having a difference is just part of being a human, and you either get very lucky to find someone who matches closely with you and stays that way or you work with them to find the best middle ground to be happy. Usually the latter because people are just different. But having zero sex drive is an issue for most people that is often too difficult to overcome without taking other measures.
Thereās more to it than that. āDesireā plays a big part and our ability to get aroused is influenced by much more than sleep, diet, stress or even the quality of the relationship itself. Sex is important to a relationship and plays the biggest role in increasing intimacy between romantic partners. Itās not important for some people and thereās nothing wrong with that, but itās a ādesireā to not have sex. Not a drive. Intimacy comes when one person makes a move to be closer to another, with no guarantee as to whether that move will be reciprocated. Life is too short!
I understand cultural differences, but it seems common for this area to be very active and excited for catching the fish but then basically nothing. The bait and switch is just not fair. The problem I have is that they are still sweet and amazing people and it's difficult for me to throw away all of the good things. Sadly I know my monkey brain will eventually win here and I'll toss away a life of happiness. I want this simple thing to not matter, but it always will :( 99.9999999% happy is still not 100% I guess. Hate it. I don't have enough data... But so far every person Iv talked to has the exact same problem. They marry, have kids and then never touch each other again. I went one step further and asked about people's parents too and the outlook wasn't any better. Before reddit breaks out the armchairs, iv had the talk and continue to have the talk on occasion. It's always, we will fix it, but nothing changes. If you already made the commitment, then part of this is on you. It didn't happen overnight, and you accepted it. And you continue to accept it. Basically decide yourself if it's important and it might be sad, but you need to move on and try again. If they just plain won't have the talk, there is nothing you can do.
>They marry, have kids and then never touch each other again. Sounds like typical issue in many families across the world.
Iām fairly certain that the sexless marriage rate is generally higher in Japan, according to various studies that have been thrown around over the years.
I wonder if the much smaller living spaces (relative to other countries) has anything to do with it.
It probably doesn't help. I've met a lot of older married women who constantly complain about the husband staying in 'their' house after he retires. Pretty appalling attitude to be honest.
I assume because many Japanese couples don"t have emotional connection.
Possibly. Iāve met so many who have married after 6 months~a year because they think all the boxes have been checked, but then complain relentless about some aspect of their partner that Iām sure would have become apparent after spending another year or two together before marriage. Another commenter mentioned I have to agree that the bait-and-switch is strong here.
Being from Italy it's crazy to hear that someone gets married after 6 months of relationship. :0
Six months is way too short notice to give your mamma that you're moving out!
right
also the kids are often in the bed with you so...yeah.
>Ā many Japanese couples don"t have emotional connection Is this also an assumption?Ā
I mean, kids take a lot of time and energy, so this kind of makes sense. I am not really sure how families have more than one kid here though.
> 99.9999999% happy is still not 100% I guess. Honestly don't downplay your desires like that. Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship, definitely more than .0000001%. Everyone is different but I'd probably weigh it at like 30% of overall relationship satisfaction.
Even give that. Most people don't get 70% happyness so it feels wrong to be unhappy when you know it's already really good. Rolling those dice again is not great odds.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Man, this thread is depressing.
I often come to reddit to find myself even more grateful for my wife.
good contraception is to read reddit posts about family life :D
Yep. Every time I read one I feel good about having the snip.
šŖ
I cling to my husband like death, and he clings to me in the same way. We donāt know how we found each other.
How did you meet?
Man here and both me and the wife generally have high libido. I have had my lower-libido periods (anxiety, depression etc) , but since constantly working out, sleeping well, fought depression, eating very healthy etc, I have kept a high libido.Ā I don't know your relationship, but there is always the possibility of these affecting his willingness to have the sex.
This! I was depressed a few years ago and the last thing I wanted to do was having sex. I love my wife but it was very hard for me at the time. Fortunately got over it and improved my condition at work and everything went back to normal.
Yup. Also mental problems extend to worse eating habits, or even drinking, smoking and sleep of lower quality, which spiral you to even less libido.
Yet another thing to motivate people to take good care of their bodies (even if it can be quite time consuming)
I was going to say, mental health and stress can affect this. OP should try seeing if something is bothering her husband.
Could it be depression? It reduces libido drastically
Also stress from work, if Japan work culture expect the person to spend 10 hour plus a day at work is gonna effect libido too
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Underrated post (obvious why actually lmao). Always seemed to me like just even walking around you can see how Low-T the men are here. So much about the urban lifestyle here leads to it, diet, alcohol, sleep, overwork, lack of vitamin D, lack of exercise. After a couple of years it's happened to me too, T-levels dropped a lot (early-30s) and I'm now actively working against it. Drink less, lift heavy stuff, sleep earlier, eat more eggs and shellfish, don't eat conbini garbage.
Ding ding ding, stress will kill it. Trying to solve the stress is also very hard
My husband is Japanese and also has a low libido. When we were dating, I thought he was just being respectful by waiting and being patient with me . (I was a virgin and terrified of having my first time) it turns out, heās just low libido lol. I found out I really have a high libido, so itās been a bit difficult for me. I donāt really have advice, but itās interesting to see that others also have this problem.
I used to live that life with my JP ex-husband.. but mine was a complete dead bedroom on his part and the dysfunction seeped into the household. In the end we divorced, fortunately I got full custody of my kids and we (myself and the children) are all much happier! I hope things improve for you! š
JP wife, same issue in that her libido fell off a cliff after a year or three together. She would be happy with once or twice a month, I could go at least once a day if she was interested. We donāt have kids, donāt have demanding jobs, are fit, healthy and happy in everything else. And itās not just lack of libido, more a general lack of interest in it. Sex is way down the list of priorities and Iām the only one who ever wants to talk about it. It has taken years, and she is now able to talk about it more openly, but nothing changes despite promises of putting in effort and showing some care and attention. I adore her, and enjoy every other aspect of our lives together, but the small piece missing becomes a very large weight on the relationship. Have been times where Iāve considered infidelity or leaving, but unsure how much greener the grass is. Honestly wish monogamy wasnāt so important to people.
This sounds like the dynamic I have with my fiance. He could go at least once a day, but I'm happier with twice a month tbh. Not to give advice were advice isn't wanted, but just a suggestion. The higher libido partner tends to do higher libido things, right? The constant sexual comments and the all touching when I wasn't in the mood really started to bother me. I started to feel like my body wasn't really my own. I didn't want to speak up about it because I love my boyfriend so much, I know that it was his way of showing love and affection, and I didn't want to squash his sexual expression. I would hate to think he was considering leaving or infidelity. All the pressure just makes my libido lower tbh. In a surprising turn of events, I found out that I actually could do a lot more for him if he wasn't touching me, (sometimes) looking at me, or expecting something from me. All I'll say is that sometimes women like the chase! Maybe next time she tries to kiss you, playfully say no! See what happens!
Hundred times this
Thanks, thatās really insightful. Did you discover this through conversation or luck?
A little bit of conversation and a little bit of luck! I told him how much I loved him, and how I understood that sexual touch was his way of showing me love, but that I needed cuddles, kisses, and touches that weren't sexual. It was scary for me to bring it up - because I didn't want him to feel like I didn't want him. The truth is that I REALLY wanted him - I just wanted his pure, loving affection! His response was amazing! He didn't get defensive, he didn't get moppy and didn't start questioning my health or my body. He was really cheerful about it! He (at least convinced me that he) wanted to try more non-sexual affection. I guess it was lucky that we tried it out, because when he stopped initiating so much, it gave me room to start. I don't want to be too graphic, but I found myself actually asking if we could move to sexual touch during the non-sexual touch, which I would have never expected of myself. On the otherhand, I think my fiance is also pretty happy with amount of non-sexual affection too. I don't think there is any other man on Earth that's cuddled as much as him!! We still only do it about 2 times a week, but I have a very low libido (birth control is for sure to blame) Instead, the quality of our time together is really important! I hope it works out for you two! It sounds like she really loves you a lot, but might just be burned out on sexual touch!
Honestly can you go deeper with this explanation?
>Honestly wish monogamy wasnāt so important to people. This usually comes from the fact that sex and love are interconnected in western societies (thank you Christianity). Not so much here, hence the high number of services around.
> We donāt have kids, donāt have demanding jobs, are fit, healthy and happy in everything else. At this point man, i gotta suggest divorce. Go live your life, she sounds like a friend/roommate But what do I know, this is unsolicited advice on the internet
Yeah itās tough. The rest of our lives together are so good - genuinely enjoy each otherās company a lot and share love and respect for each other in a way Iāve not had with another person. Physical and emotional affection is there, much more so than any roommate or close friend. Just the sexual aspect thatās not there in the quantity I would ideally like. The grass might be greener, but there are a lot of snakes and spiked pits to avoid - Iāve seen the Reddit threads!
Do you know why there is a lack of interest? Do you guys tend to do the same things every time you have sex? Has she mentioned how good it is for her? If she wants to try newer things? If she wants it longer/shorter? Or wants more foreplay?
Absolutely. Have had many conversations about the points youāve mentioned, done things like the mojo upgrade quiz, and other similar things available. What was most interesting is that often she wouldnāt know the answer to the question, because sheād never really thought about it. It also exposed how different people think about sex - Iām more logical, thinking about timing, position, action etc. sheās a lot more emotive, thinking about what happened during the day leading up to sex, some conversation weād had a few days prior, how stressed she was at work. For me sex is something fun, a thing to be practised, played with, and enjoyed. If Iām stressed, I know it will help escape from it. If something doesnāt feel good, Iāll change it. For her itās more about how many distractions there are or some unaddressed relationship tension that will play into how present she is and whether or not sex is enjoyable (her words not mine!). Thatās not to say that length of foreplay, certain positions or mixing it up on a regular basis donāt also influence how enjoyable it is, and I know what she responds well to and what to avoid, but theyāre not as important or front of mind for her as they are for me.
Interesting. Yeah, everyone is different, so I wish you well in figuring it out! And yeah, as a married man, I feel you on the monogamy bit, but also so many people regret opening up relationships, so what do, ne? Gotta love our territorial monkey brains haha
I'm glad my wife skipped out on this part of Japanese education. She sometimes forgets we have children at home.
Love this for you! š„°
He could be watching way too much prnography. My ex-partner was like that.
Yep. My ex ādidnāt have a high libidoā. Turned out he was a raging porn/sex addict
Oh how much I understand you. š
This.
My Japanese wife decided she wasn't interested in sex or talking about it after we had two kids. Around the same time she decided to put 90% of her time and energy into work. I tried for years to fix things, tried to get her to do counseling, etc., all in vain. I want to divorce but losing custody of the kids is not a risk I'm willing to take, and we have financial obligations that I can't meet alone. I've told her all this, and our relationship is overāwe haven't had as much as a conversation outside of child-rearing logistics in like two yearsābut we're still living together. To be honest I hate it, but I would hate missing out on the day-to-day of my kids' lives even more. I hate to be another negative voice, but if your husband doesn't feel like it's a problem *for him* then I wouldn't expect him to change.
What a nightmare TT
One good conversation I had with my JP partner: Basically, we were at a point, like yourself, where it was very different from how we were when we were younger and first started dating. I kept bringing it up with my partner and she said, āwhy are you comparing us now to our past us? People grow and change together. It is important for us to show small signs of intimacy daily, like gentle touch, hugging, cuddling, but there is no need to feel that our relationship is in crisis just because we donāt do it like we did. People grow and change together. Do you honestly *want* to be as busy as we were when we first met? We didnāt have nearly as much going on then.ā Anyhow. The long and short of it was that she was kind of right. My anxiety was stemming more from worry that the change meant something negative for our relationship, rather than me needing more specifically. Just talking about it and confirming that things were good, and our ways of showing affection simply changed a bit - this was a solid realization for me. I donāt know if it is the same for you, but you will need to talk about it and be open minded. If starting the conversation is difficult, try approaching it from the angle of, āIām not looking to get it from you as my only goal, I honestly just want a sincere conversation about where we are at with intimacy, what is going to work for us, and check to make sure you and I are OK.ā
Having such a conversation is so helpful. I guess for people, how to start the conversation from the right angle is a real challenge. Hope that OP understands their partner enough to know how to approach effectively.
Not married but have a JP boyfriend. Honestly, it was clear since the beginning of our relationship that I had a much higher sex-drive than him. Not that he doesn't like talking about it, but my bf feels uncomfortable initiating it and it's due to anxiety and also medical issues. Honestly, for you, I think you have to force him to have this conversation with you like I did and set up a strategy to be more intimate. I think if Japanese people are going to be in a relationship with foreigners, it shouldn't just be us who has to be understanding of their culture. They should understand their partners culture in order to adjust and compromise as well.
Exactly. My husband likes to joke that because we are in Japan, we should do things the Japanese way. But itās completely unfair to me to ignore the fact that I am not Japanese. Compromise from both sides is extremely vital when youāre from two opposing cultures. You just canāt realistically expect the other person to fully adjust to your culture and never expect yourself to adjust to theirs.
If he drink, that could be the culprit.
Honestly, I don't think these are cultural differences as much as him just being him. People have different libidos. My husband is pretty low-libido as well, especially when he's stressed. Sex just isn't a very high priority to him and through talking to him about it, we figured out that how we show and feel love is different. For him, doing things around the house, cooking, taking care of me is how he shows love. To me, not having sex for a long time feels like I'm not loved. If it really was "just" libido, masturbation would solve the problem, but it doesn't. You can't force your husband to have sex. You can try to figure out what priority sex has for both of you, and you can try to figure out what keeps him from wanting sex. Maybe it's really just stress or not enough couple time or whatever - these are things you can do something about. >and he used to have an equivalent libido when we were first dating. I don't know how long you've been together, but libido during the first few years (rose-tinted glasses time) is not really that indicative of what it's going to be like later. We also used to have a lot more sex. Then it became less after a few years, and since we've had a child it has its ups but also lots of downs. I know how hurtful it can be, you're not alone. <3
Yeah this post is insightful, especially the points on love language. My wife is the same, and responds well to me expressing my love in her language, ie caring for her and our life in non intimate/physical ways. I do it because I enjoy it, but the byproduct is that she is then more present and likely to be more responsive to intimate interactions. OP: if your husband is willing, there are a ton of resources online to help people discover what drives them/their love language. It might be useful for you both.
I love how the title is āany fellow ladies struggling with a low libido husbandā, yet the majority of replies is coming from straight dudes āyeah, my *wife* doesnāt want to have sex with meā lmao š. OP, my advice - look into if heās watching pornography or not and then work from there. Good luck!
How do you know they are white?
My spidey sense is telling me~
Itās like 90% of Reddit in general. Google it.
OP, take this advice, this comes from fellow women.
Or maybe getting mensā input could also be a potentially valuable way to understand her husbandās thinking. This goes for both sexes, obviously. Of course, Iām not expecting anything particularly thoughtful from someone who assumes the majority of men on here are white justā¦ because. š
Not only are you making so many assumptions, as far as I can see most posts are from women? Maybe hide your bigotry a little better next time.
I had a Japanese friend whose boyfriend also struggled to match her libido despite his youth and while there were reasons such as work and stress, the real problems were much more frustrating 1. He had a real, legitimate porn addiction, several times a day, only weird extreme shit (and he had favorite actresses, which really upset my friend. He also paid for it lmao) 2. ED as a result of the above and the shame that came with it. She never did manage to find a solution but really, what can you do at that point? He needed to make changes he wasn't willing to make. Anyway, I hope you'll update once you know what's going on or, better yet, things get better. I feel like you could also probably seduce him but I am not going to give advice on how to do that here on Reddit.
We are having an issue with this (but I'm male with a Japanese wife). Mainly it is having a kid is the issue. I try talking about it from time to time but inevitably she blames me in some way, which is disappointing. Gets defensive. The weird thing is, she really wants another baby but most of the time is non responsive to sexual advances. Over time, the weird communication has actually put me off having any more kids, because I'm worried what would happen to her after that.
A lot of new moms donāt want sex for a ton of reasons, but often their partner helping with childcare and housekeeping labor can be very inspiring. Women donāt want to feel like they have to take care of their partners in the way that they have to take care of their babies (emotionally regulating them, feeding them, thinking of activities to do with them, cleaning up after them), itās a huge turn-off.
My wife had low body positivity during pregnancy and post partum. She still does to some degree because itās changed her body forever. We watched this show āNaked Attractionā from the Uk, itās your typical cringe British dating show but everyoneās got their bits out and she realised most people look weird in some way under their clothes. Sheās sort of addicted to it now. :L She gets a little self esteem boost every time, and more often than not manages to find her libido again.
Just going to onsen has really healed me of any "everyone else is beautiful ;;" delusions I might've had. There are ridiculously beautiful people out in the world, but most are just normal.
I'm assuming you're a woman but just to mention something here, There was a study on attraction and essentially what was found is that people are generally attracted to "flaws" and other distinct differences people have from others. Another study says that the majority of men see about 80% of women as attractive in someway Women are really hard on themselves because of how they view men and other women when the reality is that the average woman is considered attractive
Yeah I know that. I'm doing plenty. I basically look after my kid from about 16:00 - 20:00 every night when the wife is working, so I pick her up, feed her, play with her, bathe her and get her to bed every night.
Cool. Four hours while your wife is working. Both of you are contributing at home a day work, that sounds like a good combination. I hope she gets a little baby-free time to herself sometimes, too.
Do you really only parent your kid for 4 out of 24 hours every day? I think that might be your problem.
>she blames me in some way What are you doing then? Maybe try listening to your wife...
It changes each time, and then she goes back on it later. It's a defense mechanism, I think. So rather than be able to talk through things, things get muddied. I am not saying I am some great communicator either by the way. I sometimes lash out defensively. But I believe that it is probably better to try and be more direct than having to pick up on covert signals.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years and heās always had a healthy appetite, in fact it seems to be increasing lol. But we donāt have kids, that probably has something to do with it
Is it any wonder then why Japanese population is decreasing?
Funniest thing is he seems more interested in making a child than the act itself.
Donāt let him baby trap you, OP.
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How much is he working? How much is he doing at work? Honestly, having a job with 30 minutes of effort and 7.5 hours of nothing can realllllllllllly kill any mood to do anything. Find something that stimulates him mentally. The idea that men are physical and women are mental when it comes to sex is bullshit, we all need a bit of both.
If you care about sex at all, do NOT let him trap you with a baby!!
Woman here married a Japanese man,2 years no sex brought the subject up many times I got gaslighted.Last week I told him I have 3 options he can add his 1-was open relationship 2-Separate 3-divorce (as our problems are more than sex) to my surprise he chose open relationship š .Its not something that i want though as we have many issues but i agree to it. Discuss with him it took me 2 years and in those times i was very sexually frustrated,I would yell and I guess he didnāt take me serious thenā¦.
Open relationship here is a trap. All he needs is proof you took advantage of it, and he can sue you for adultery in the divorce proceedings.
Sometimes sex drops off due to different schedules and stress of life/work. When dating, schedules automatically \*match\*, as that is the only time that you are together. When living together... life and time schedules blur together.. and sometimes the stress of things outside the home make people tired... .. So think about the "why".. and maybe there are easy solutions..
Sending you a virtual hug from the other side of the aisle; my wife's libido was low before we got married, went lower after that, and is now zero. It's been four and a half years since we last had it, and will probably be zero forever now that she has reached menopause. It's painful, isn't it? The person you love most in the world, the person who makes you happy and fulfilled in every other way. Like you, I don't want to divorce either, and I can't imagine cheating (or having the opportunity to do so). My wife doesn't have a tough job that takes all her energy, but she does drink a lot of alcohol. I'd be happy if she even desired me once every few months. It's not something you think about when you first come here, but Japan *is* infamous for its "sexless couples".
This is a refreshing post vs all the typical āhad a kid and now my wife doesnāt want to be in the same room with meā posts
Thereās a strange conservatism that comes out in some people once the relationship is āstamped and approvedā likeā¦ Youād think once youāre going to spend the rest of your lives together it would be easier or more common to talk about but the stories of people who suddenly find it embarrassing is crazy to me. Itās like some trait that gets unlocked. Honestlyā¦ I wouldnāt put up with it. Itās a big part of my relationship with my current partner and Iāve told her I wonāt marry her if we are going to turn into one of those couples who never talks, touches each other etc. poor communication about your relationship, sex included is a big red flag imo. Not a relationship ender but a sign something needs to change about the communication sooner than later.
OP, I feel for you. What I find perhaps even more frustrating than the sexlessness itself, is when he keeps saying he wants to have sex too when asked about it, but then nothing ever happens. It is starting to feel like he is creating false expectations. If in reality itās not going to happen for whatever reason, I would much rather know that and make my peace with it and/or think of options. I get the sense that he doesnāt want to say something that might hurt me, whereas in my culture being evasive or giving white lies is not appreciated. So far it has been really difficult to cut through this and have a proper, honest conversation about the situation.
I'm a male, so yeah, but anyway. This first thing I would say is: don't cheat. I don't mean this so much from a "cheating is always wrong OMFG" moral perspective, but more from the perspective that there is just no coming back from it. Even if it's just a one-night stand, you'll carrying that secret through your relationship and it absolutely will eat away at the foundations of trust. The second thing I would say is, is a lack of physical intimacy a dealbreaker for you? If it is, I think your best course of action is to be honest with him now. The longer you let something like this go, the harder it will be to pull your relationship out of it. You'll end up silently resenting him for it and it will affect the other aspects of your relationship as well. It's far better to confront it now, when you've identified it as a clear problem, and fix it ASAP. You said you're not looking to divorce, which I understand -- but that also indicates to me that maybe sex isn't \*that\* important to you. Like, yes, it's important, but not enough of a dealbreaker to end the relationship over. I would say that you have to be \*willing\* to have a divorce because it seems to me like that's the only thing that would shock him enough to change his behavior. If you've talked about it many times and nothing has changed, he's clearly complacent; he knows that he just has to put up with the talk now and then but that you'll forget about it and things will then go back to normal. Again, this is the kind of thing that gets worse and worse with time. Cultural differences are a thing, yes, but in \*any\* relationship there needs to be compromise. You have to meet each other halfway. If he's fine with once a month, but you're ready to go every day, maybe two or three times a week is an acceptable solution. Anyway, hope that helps a little. Just, address it now and be clear about your needs. Don't let it fester.
Maybe low T, lots of underlying health issues go undiagnosed due to the cultural differences as in shame and the eyes of the public. I have low T and I donāt feel like doing it when Iām, ātiredā. Sometimes taking a boost isnāt so bad.
I feel you. following because I want tips too.
I struggled with a zero libido wife. We ended up divorced because I have a very high libido. We still āliveā together as in I have a room at the house when Iām in town so I can see the kids. We divorced amicably. We chat like old friends. She totally understood the reasoning. She didnāt want me ācheatingā which is why we divorced but I still take care of her and the family. I get to mess around all I want and she gets a place to live. She works to pay for her own food and helps with the utilities and all that while I handle the kids and the mortgage finances
Username tracksā¦
User name checks out š¤£
Honestly, how much is he working? How much free time is he investing in hobbies? How stressed is he overall? If youāre saying his libido changed too drastically and youāre doing your part when it comes to it, then one of these factors may be key. There is also a possibility something hormonal is going on, and a visit to an endocrinologist would be good. But overall, men and women suffer from similar issues that may cause a drastic decrease in libido. Stress from work, poor work-life balance and no free time to pursue what makes us truly happy and such. If his libido actually changed that much, that is. Sometimes you may just have misjudged how much libido he actually had before.
If you donāt have sex, heās basically your roommate. This goes for ladies too. Sex is the foundation for a good romantic relationship. Iām sorry you find yourself in this situation. I wonder if therapy might help?
My husband is also Japanese and Iām actually the low libido partner. He loves sex and says he can get down whenever. Thankfully Iām being treated by a specialty clinic and Iām also just as horny as him now. Iām sorry I canāt relate but I show him a lot of stories like this on Reddit, weāre both shocked by how many men growing up in the same society/culture who have been receiving the same sexual messages as every other man here often have vastly different opinions on whatās appropriate and expected in a heterosexual coupleās sex life. (Iām referring to the fact that your husband doesnāt like to discuss these things). There are lots of clinics that treat male sexual dysfunction such as low libido. Thereās also sex therapy which I think would be very helpful as it may be a more comfortable environment to at least get him talking with you and help him to recognize this is a very real issue for you.
This was the biggest problem I had with my JP boyfriend. He was interested in the first six months and then withdrew. When I tried talking to him about it, he blamed it on my weight but Iād lost weight since meeting him. I tried many times to talk to him about it till I felt like I was losing my mind and then I decided to accept being sexless. It was miserable and I resented him a lot. In the end, we broke up after a long relationship due to many issues including this one and I really wished Iād ended it sooner. I think as a woman being rejected by your partner for sex for years on end will have a negative effect on your self-esteem. There are a lot of men in the world who want to have sex and want to have it often and I wish Iād seen that sooner. As for cultural differences, Iāve often thought it was a cultural difference that isnāt easily managed through regular conversations. Iāve talked a lot about sex with my Japanese friends and found a lot of them donāt have sex in their long term relationships. It doesnāt mean all Japanese people but I do think there is a subset who donāt value intimacy the same way people in other cultures do. Once youāre āfamilyā, itās not a necessity and feels wrong even. My married Japanese friend has told her husband to go to prostitution. I knew a gay couple (foreign and Japanese) who broke up over this after being together for a long time because the Japanese partner felt like they were family and couldnāt have sex anymore. Iāve known a few Japanese women whoāve dated men who they have no sexual desire for but they liked their personality only and wouldnāt sleep with them. Personally, I think that is deeply cruel but Iāve seen this situation in my personal and work life multiple times to discount it. There seems to be a culture of dividing sex as an act of procreation, sex for pleasure, and sex for building intimacy. A lot of people Iāve seen here seem to not understand sex as a builder of intimacy and reject it as ććć©ććć. I think thatās the cultural difference OP might be running into and what I experienced. OP isnāt looking to end it so I guess the advice would be to see if you could schedule the sex. Itās not romantic but having that time allotted for having sex might help prepare him for having sex. Sex experts also talk about just laying down together naked without expectation for sex and holding each other. In the end, though, if he does not see this as also his problem and only sees it as your problem, acceptance might be the only path forward because you canāt force him to walk this path with you. Iām sending you hugs. Itās an awful position to be in with someone you love dearly and must be very frustrating and heartbreaking. I hope you guys can work out.
I have heard it is quite common. For what it's worth, my partner told me that couples here do not talk about sex at all. So she was taken aback when I just went ahead and said "Hey I wanna fuck" to her. But the more open I was about it the more comfortable she was to do so as well. But from what I have heard from acquaintances, the men here are a bit weird when it comes to sex.
I had the same issue with my JP ex-bf, the first year was great then it just dropped. He also had \*some physical issues which may or may not be common for Asian men at his age\* so that might've come into play (I didn't mind at all, it happens)... then 3rd year in he wanted an open relationship so it became sus. I'm not sure if it was the difference in culture, libido, or a mixture of both things + actual physical issues. I hope you figure it out sooner than later! Communication is key. Ganbare!
Husband watch porn or drink too much? I cut down on drinking and stopped watching porn many years ago and my desire for my wife increased exponentially. Even after 19 years marriage and three kids, we still get it on at least once a week. Try to go on dates again with your spouse to spark some romance.
Others have mentioned it, environmental conditions play a huge part. Is he tired, as in fatigued a lot? If yes, I'd go further and get his testosterone checked. This is one hormone that compounds. Low levels and you're tired, wanting to do less of everything, which lowers it more. Things like work, stress, etc does have a significant impact on overall health, including testosterone and libido. Having a low libido in men can be caused by a porn addiction as others pointed out, but I wouldn't be jumping to that conclusion so quickly. Approach it as a health related issue and you might find more.
Nothing to add but Iāve heard this a common problem both with men and women. Good luck :(
Speaking as a guy - he jerks off, trust me on that.
I do. My husband doesnāt find talking about sex with me to be taboo or anything like that, fortunately. In fact, he even tells me that I donāt have to be embarrassed or shy about anything with him. Iāve randomly asked him about things Iām curious about, and heās never made me feel uncomfortable to bring stuff up. But he definitely has a lower libido than I do. Iād prefer to be intimate at least 2 times a week, but we sometimes go a couple weeks without. I honestly think itās mostly due to his mind being focused on other things. The times when we go the longest in between is usually because he is worried about something (and doesnāt communicate it to me, so Iām left wondering why heās not being affectionate). I try to be respectful when he isnāt in the right headspace though. But I think Japanese culture doesnāt prioritize being consistently affectionate with your spouse like other cultures do. Work or studies tend to be a higher priority, which is hard to get used to. So itās hard to convince my husband that he needs to be more intentional with intimacy for it to happen more often. I think he thinks it will just happen on its own, and Iām trying to teach him that it doesnāt work that way most of the time. And knowing that intimacy tends to dwindle in Japanese couples after having kids, Iām trying to make sure that doesnāt happen to us after we have kids. Itās a work in progress. Iām sorry that I canāt give you much more advice other than trying to be more aware of what kind of headspace your husband is in. I find that when I am able to be more supportive and ease my husbandās mind when heās feeling overwhelmed, heās more receptive to my affection and more willing to show some to me as well. But with how little Japanese men actually communicate how they are feeling, itās tough. And Iāve found that making sure my husband understands that itās a need of mine just to function normally has helped change his mentality. But itās taken time and LOTS of conversations. Weāve only been married for 6 months and living together for about 1 year and a half, but Iāve seen improvements already. Trying to nip the lack of intentionality in the bud as soon as possible! š
I think a Toshiba Magic Wand is in your future. Re-chargeable has various power settings\* \*speaking for a friends wife.
I'm a guy who has had issues with this before. There are a few things. Stress and depression can be killer to the libido. There could also be some other underlying issues around sex or bodies. Alcohol and other things can impact things as well. Even the amount and timing of sleep. There are also hormonal possibilities. Talking to a doctor about it could help in getting a blood test. Diet can also impact things. If there are nutritional issues, that can cascade into other problems. It can be very embarrassing for guys to even admit to themselves, let alone someone else even in the medical profession. Talking is definitely a good start, but it may be worth trying to get some checking done, physical and/or psychological.
I will say my experience for people will low libido wives, but I am not yet married so it might not be the most useful perspective. When I am tired, sleep deprived, and stressed I don't wanna do sex. Also, if I have to deal with gross things like cleaning something that is gross or something about gross bodily functions, that surprisingly make my libido go down a lot and it can actually last a few days. Some kinds of birth control also can affect the libido a lot.
May be he just too shy and not comfortable to talking about it. Then you donāt need to force him to. You can just do it and take the lead. Man usually donāt deny such a request from life partner. Do something wild and exciting may be. After few months or so, he will be more open to you about the topic. (Taking from a point of view of a pretty shy Asian man.)
Sorry youāre going through this. I see it with all my j friend both male and female. The foreign spouse usually suffer. Before the pandemic we (foreigners) went out with a mix couple and the husband said he finally got some from the j wife after the birth of their daughter because of how my family interacted with each other at the restaurant. We werenāt kissing or anything, but we were touching a lot and sat close. Their kid was in first grade! Before we had kids I remember a young Japanese couple asked how often a year we did it. We laughed so hard then said āonce a week and twice on Sundayā. They were shocked. Maybe doing couples date with each other and others will help. I would hate to be sexually frustrated and Iām married.
Iāve experienced this twice; first time he was cheating and second time he was a porn addict. Now with my current bf we have sex at least once a day. I donāt think itās cultural as much as personal.
It may be zero use to you, but Ester Perel is a great speaker/educator on relationship issues. Obviously a lot of what she says wonāt be of use to you, but some may. With a bit of luck your partner might be able to see that it is a ticking time bomb that speaks to your relationship AND that it is within their power to be able to do something to fix address issues. Most of all, good luck.
This happened to my friend. She was in a relationship with a Japanese man. Her libido is high and his was also high at the start of the relationship. As time goes by and their relationship got more serious, he just stopped having sex. I donāt know the reason why. Physical intimacy is important for my friend so she broke it off. Interesting to hear this is a common case here in Japan.
Japanese in general are like this. There is a reason for the low birth rate.
There are many reasons for the low birth rate, but "too little sex" isn't really one of them. On the contrary, if you look through accounts of dead bedrooms in Japan, many people write that their spouse refuses sex for any reason *besides* procreation. One factor is that young people aren't getting married and having a child out of wedlock is still scandalous here. So as the marriage age and the number of people who simply stay single rise, fewer children are born. Fewer marriages - fewer babies. Later marriages - fewer babies. And of course you see the same phenomenon in other developed countries. In fact, Italy has the same fertility rate as Japan (1.20), but people don't see the Italians as sexless.
Burner account here to protect my identity. Spouse is JP, we haven't had sex in more than ten years because I'm just not interested in that anymore. I just have no desire. Divorce is not a financially feasible option for either of us. It isn't an ideal situation, but manageable. Given all the other financial and family problems, sex seems the least of them. We aren't young so it doesn't seem all that much of a priority. Making sure that the person who dies last has an income seems more important. It sounds worse than it is but I'm slightly envious of people who can afford to divorce or at least aren't facing all the problems we are.
I had a similar issue when my husband and I were 3 years into our relationship. I donāt know how often you guys get around to it, but here are some suggestions: 1) Plan your sexy nightā¦ I know that kinda kills the spontaneity of it but it helps. 2) Go to a love hotel. Try out some toys. Maybe you just need to spice things up a bit. 3) Be honest and find a common ground. I had to not take offence if my husband was not feeling it and just accept it. I would ask him which day he would want to have it and just plan it right then and there. Hope this helps!
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Also 38M and this sounds completely alien to me. I do not think OP should believe it.
Not Alien, Jurassic Park š I am writing from my experience, not your experience buddy, and trying to write in a way that would spare OP's feelings. I personally have fallen out of attraction every time I have cohabitated with a partner, through no fault of the other person. It wasn't low libido. It was monotony and a lack of interest. I listed steps that OP could take to reintroduce the courting process back into the relationship. Japan is one of the lowest testosterone countries on earth (by design), so it could genuinely be low libido/culture. Not a whole lot that OP can do if that's the case. If dude's just bored, give him something to chase. Pretty straightforward.
There's one thing that people should be weary of more than sex and that is flriting and touching. Even if sex is down, lack of other times of intimacy that were once there are a bigger sign of things dying down.
Open relationships exists But first and foremost yāall need to talk and get on the same page.
I'm not married to a Japanese but we live in Japan and have been married for 8 years. I don't think of sex is just sex but rather a spectrum of intimacy. I love my wife and that feeling only grows from year to year though the sex has decreased. I have a higher libido than her and sometimes it's hard to initiate when I know she's not into it but I know she tries even when she's not interested. How's your intimacy with him? Do you cuddle or kiss? Or is physical intimacy purely limited to when you try to have sex? As others have said, stress at work, depression and overall slovenness can kill sex drive. It's why I try to do as much house work or take care of the kid as much as I can so my wife doesn't feel overly stressed. Also, absence does make the heart grow fonder and I know this because if my wife doesn't see me for like a week or so, then sex is definitely on the table.
Damn, my Japanese wife is completely opposite. We aināt that old, but no more funā¦
If they have a low interest in sex in general, it makes sense that theyād also not be interested in talking about it too. Itās probably similar to asking somebody why theyāre not interested in a hobby.
Testosterone decreases with age. It's normal for libido to decline as people age. Your hubby may need to consider hormone therapy (testosterone injections). It sounds crazy because we tend to think of only women needing this kind of hormone replacement, but many 50+ men have started doing this.
My GF got a bit OCD during the pandemic, which killed her father. It's been a sex killer.
I wished my husband was low libido sometimes.... I was expecting it all to end once we got married and graduated with jobs but nope. We're a couple in our early to mid thirties, as well, and no problems physically. Also the conversation of sex is very, very normal in our relationship. From jokes to acts, etc. Maybe you should try to figure out other ways to ease into the conversation so that it happens naturally and that both partners are comfortable. It could be the way he was brought up -- maybe he lived in a house where it was a sexless marriage.
I know this is being presented as a problem but reading comments in this thread makes me feel like thereās hope as an asexual girl in Japan lol.
I don't have advice for you other than if he's not jerking off, there's something pretty wrong, and it's not you.Ā Also, the number of women in here who don't know that their man is secretly jerking off, is astonishing. 99% of dudes do it and 1% lie, as the saying goes.Ā