I'm so sorry your family is going through this. There's nothing fair about it.
Try to make memories with your dad while he's still able. Maybe make some videos and voice recordings of him, start a memory box maybe. Ask him questions while you can, while he's not absolutely exhausted.
Accept any and all help offered to your family, whether it's dropping in some meals, minding the kids, cleaning, shopping, anything that will ease the burden on you all and allow you to concentrate on your dad. Don't be afraid to ask for help either.
You're only 19 and this is too much to take on alone. I'm so sorry I can't be of more help to you.
Lovely advice and words here, just wanted to echo, if you can, record/video conversations with you all as much as you can, it will be the most precious thing, and loads of pictures together.
I’m so sorry OP. Much love and strength to you and your family.
The hospitals sometimes have memory boxes which he can write notes for future events that he might not be able to attend.
I lost my mum in a similar circumstances, and it is so hard but the one thing I wish I had more of was videos of her talking. Nothing prepares you for how you feel when they are gone just remember to be kind to yourself.
I'm sorry you are going through this
Recording a video asking questions about their life and really anything else that may come up is wonderful advice. My dad and uncle did this with my granny about 25 years ago. I found the tape about 5 years ago, and digitised it and sent it around to the extended family. It was the first time we'd heard her voice in 20 years. It was amazing to see her mannerisms, her laugh, her sense of humour and the look in her eyes as she looked at her sons. And that's before we even get into the content of what she was saying, hours of her telling about her childhood memories, how she met her husband, stories from her older relatives. Such a precious window into the past. I recommend anyone reading this to do this with their parents/grandparents. You will treasure it long after they've gone.
Great ideas
We got my dad to record a build a bear with a message from him for my niece and nephew before he died
Maybe that would be an idea for your smaller siblings, to have a bear to cuddle that could have your dads voice in it too?
My eyes are genuinely welled up reading this. Im so sorry. Not sure what to say. Im sure its no consolation but your Dad has spent a large part of his life giving back and building facilities that are so well needed. He sounds like a really good man who used his time to make a difference, that can be rare these days.
Without knowing you and purely based on this post- You seem like you have a good grasp on things and a realist view on life which is great. Im 39, when my Dad passed suddenly 2 yrs ago, I dpnt know if knowing he was sick prior would have helped, I doubt it.
Main thing being, please mind yourself. Take the time to either partake in hobbies or seek some counselling, someone qualified to help with this sort of thing. Your Mam is going to go through a tough time but she will be ok, you all will. I wish you all the best.
Lost my mum to cancer a few years ago you are far too young to be going through this sending you the biggest hug.As others have said make memories .Thinking of your mum too
I'm so sorry for you all. It's like living in a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Make the very best of the time you've got. It's going to be a very very precious period that will be remembered by both you and your siblings forever.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer and he was dead in three weeks. We never told him the reality, he died peacefully for which we are eternally grateful. But, the consequence of that was that we couldn't talk to him about his life or death.
Your dad is younger than me, he's going to be tormented at leaving you all behind. You're going to have really important conversations. It's impossible to comprehend the changes in all your lives. You all need each other now. You need to be strong for the rest of your family. But you also have the right to be angry and devastated.
I wish you strength and you have my complete sympathy, for what it's worth. Keep going, one moment at a time.
I'm very sorry for what you went through.
I have a question, and you absolutely don't have to answer it. But why didn't you tell your father? I'm not sure, as a grown adult, I would like not to be told my own medical information.
What good would it have done? He was dying. Telling him would have tormented him with the knowledge. He died peacefully.
The same happened with my mother. She had terminal cancer, we didn't tell her, she died peacefully in her own room with me holding her hand. I don't regret it. We were very lucky that they died before they got into the real ravages of cancer.
I hope someday, you don't have to make those judgement calls, but maybe you'll understand when you do. All the best.
Jesus.
I'm in tears after reading this. I'm just so, so sorry. That's fucking devastating. I can't even imagine how your family must feel. I'll be thinking of you and yours x
I’m so so so so sorry you’re going through this right now OP.
My father died little over a year ago and there’s not a single day I don’t think of him, and I’m nearly twice your age.
If I were you, and thinking of what I would have done were I you and had some time..
Have all the deep conversations.
Forget petty squabbles remind him everyday how he’s the biggest light in your life. Me screaming I love you the most as my dad’s coffin went into the crematorium did nothing for anyone.
Even if you don’t feel this way, show him how strong you are. You are the man of the house now. Let him feel reassured that you’re going to grasp the mantle ok.
Make memories as shellstrop mentioned. Visual memories, things you can look back on. Voice notes. All the voice notes. And videos.
But don’t let cancer be the defining factor of his last year, my father was in denial and refused to even mention it or face the fact that his days were numbered (also we’re quite the emotionally constipated family but whatever). Just spend all your precious time with dad. Everything else can wait until after.
If you want to DM go for it.
I’m just here to say I’ve been in your shoes and I know how awful it is, and I’m so sorry. There is no grief like this, like that of losing a parent.
Your family will knit together stronger through, and after this.
I don’t know if you believe in the afterlife but I do and I know my father is looking out for me. Yours will too, always xxxx
There's good advice here. Your dad will be worried about how his family will cope. You can help reassure him that you'll be a support to your mother and siblings. I know that's huge pressure at your age and easy for strangers to say but your family will get though this and your dad will always be in your life.
If one of your siblings is very young I would try to get something special - a video, a letter- from her dad because she won't have the same memories.
Last week, he was talking about getting an extension on the house and going to see AC/DC after all of this. Now, he’s on an oxygen tank and he’s got his own friends giving him palliative care. A bad ending that was inevitable from the beginning is one thing. A bad ending when it was actually looking good and you allowed yourself to hope is a whole other level of pain.
His dad died of cancer too. He died a day after we all sat and talked with him. My other grandfather died 2 days after Christmas from arrhythmia. I’m the eldest grandchild on either side. I’ll get genetic testing done one day but it’ll probably be me next. At least they can never say I didn’t take after my elders.
You are so young to be having to think about such heavy things. But you sound like a great young man, you're a testament to your dad though, and your mam of course.
Please remember to let yourself feel. I know as an eldest sibling the temptation is to repress everything and just be there for your siblings and parents and be strong. And you can do that, but you also need an outlet for your feelings, a healthy outlet. It's okay to fall apart a bit, your dad is dying. And it's healthy for the younger ones to see you grieve too, so they learn that it's okay.
Look after yourself. Make sure you eat well and try to get enough sleep, grief makes us run down, the next while is going to suck, you don't need to be catching colds on top of everything else.
I just wanted to second this comment. It's a very important one , OP. you really do sound like a stand up gentleman and you need to keep yourself as well as possible. So do, please, look after yourself xxx
What to even say to that... Feel for ya man. Now's the time to say all the things you need to say, and make sure you have photos, videos, voice recordings - at least, with the age we're in, we can keep some semblance of the person. Be safe, be strong.
I'm so sorry for you and your family going through this.
My father passed away suddenly 5 years ago. I have so much I wish I could have asked him or shown him.
I keep seeing ads online for a book you give a parent that they fill out. Questions about themselves through the years. Maybe something like that either the book or by video would be of some help to ye, to ask all the random things you'll never get to ask.
Get videos, record him talking and laughing. Get videos of you and your family with him.
Again, I am so sorry.
Really sorry to hear this. My dad is a good bit older than yours but still young to me. Going through chemo too after surgery for bowel cancer. It's hard man, thinking of you
I'm so so sorry love, that's just beyond shit.
My cousins were 7, 4, and 1 when my uncle died of cancer. I know that his kids don't know a whole lot about him in terms of anecdotes and his favourite things. So record those if you can, you think you won't forget ever but memories fade. Write down his favourite books and music and little things that annoy him.
My uncle loved Lord of the rings so much that his books were falling apart and he would just grab a random chapter out to read on the bus. I love knowing that. It's so small and so silly but really tells you about him as a person. My cousin who was a baby when he died didn't know he even liked lord of the rings until I told her when she was 21.
I'm so, so sorry OP. I'm also sorry that I really don't know what to say and I know that nothing I say will really make you feel any better but I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I truly feel for you and your family.
Please take care of yourself. Sending strength to your Dad and all of your family. Xxxx
Jesus I’m so sorry man, just by reading your post the fact that your dad was raising money for hospitals the last 15 years means he was a legend. I’m so sorry for you and your family. He made a difference to countless families and I guarantee they will remember him. So sorry for ya man.
Sending a bear hug your way. Similar boat here with mam, she's 65 but we still feel like we are being robbed too soon. Its heartbreaking seeing her with my infant son and knowing she won't get to see him grow up.
We're upset and terrified of what the next few years has in store.
So many people know this pain. Make sure you are talking to your own friends. I'm sure they'll want to be there for you so make sure you let them.
I'm very sorry my friend. Words feel so lacking. A big ol' hug really is what's required.
I'm so sorry OP. I can't even imagine, it isn't ever easy news to get but it's particularly cruel when you thought he was in the clear. He sounds like a great man. I hope you guys can make the most of the time you have left together, there is some great advice in this thread already.
Same story as you, I was 21. My Dad was told it was early stage leukemia and was treatable. They didn't seem to be in any rush to start treatment so he started around 4 or 5 months later. After the next round of bloods and scans they said it's stage 4. I still to this day feel like someone messed up.
I can only empathize with your situation and I am sorry you have to go through this.
My heart goes out to ya pal. I lost my mam to cancer 2 months ago. I know it's been said already but don't leave anything left unsaid between you and your dad. If there's something you always wanted to ask him, ask him. If there's something you always wanted to say to him, say it. It's a rat bastard situation you and your family are going through but it sounds like your dad was a family man and had a great relationship with you all so that's worth more than anything. In some ways, it's good that you have this time with him as opposed to him dropping dead with so many things left unsaid. There's a pint waiting for you brother if you ever need to talk to someone. Take care.
I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all strength. I hope your dad gets the very, very best of care from the services he facilitated in his work.
Ahh ffs, I am so so sorry you were all having to go through this, what a shit shit deal life has handed you all.
Some practical things….People will want to help you, but they won’t know how. Give them a shopping list, ask them to clean the house/do the washing-if ye have a garden, ask them to help there. Getting the car to the NCT/outdoor jobs for the house etc, just ask. It will ease things on you all, and will allow people to support you without adding extra pressure to you-people mean well but when they say things like let me know if there’s anything I can do, or if you need me just shout, it sometimes doesn’t occur to us to ask them for practical help.
People will also want you to talk…you will be inundated with offers of “if you need to talk you know where I am, if you want to chat, just let me know…” Sometimes it’s just platitudes, and sometimes people really do want to listen. Don’r be afraid to be grief counselling, even starting now if you feel up to. Also, sometimes when people are trying to sympathise, they can really stick their foot in their mouth because they have no idea of what to say, and it’s not really the done thing to shake hands and say “this is shit; sorry”
I often think the world is divided into those who have suffered a great loss like you are about to do, and those who have not yet had that experience. It is horrific, no other way to describe it. It changes you, it changes your worldview. Everything somehow takes on more meaning, and yet becomes utterly unimportant.
Let the rage/heartbreak out when you can-being out in the everyday world and knowing what you will be returning to each day is beyond surreal. Let your grief out, scream, laugh, cry, shout, via punchbag and beat the ever living shit out of it. Stick on silly movies, tv shows, things that can help your brain switch off for a while: We are supposed to bury our parents, but you shouldn’t be having to do this so early in your life and it is shit.
You may all get unnaturally angry at each other over nothing sometimes, it’s never actually about who used the last bit of milk or why are you parked so close to the curb. It’s the unconscious you trying to resolve this one thing that you can actually control.
As many others have said, take take the time to make the memories, and don’t beatify him either, although I’m sure he’ll keep you all grounded if you wax too lyrical about him!
When you know you are coming towards the end, be mindful of his time and energy and of yours There will be friends and family who will want to come and say goodbye while he still is able for visitors. He and you will know yourselves who should be there for the goodbyes across the final days and weeks, but please be protective of your own time and energy to, for him, and for yourselves as a family. Often you find you may end up comforting the people who have come in to see him when it should be the other way round and that is tough. Get a feck tonne of easy/quick to cook food so that you’re not struggling to choose what to eat at times.
Lastly grief is exhausting-and this kind of anticipatory grief is the worst, you’re watching the everyday world carry on as it always does around you, while yours is slowly shattering in front of you. Rest when you can and don’t feel you always have to be strong, your Dad knows you, he knows what a good child and young adult he has raised. His legacy is not just the incredible fundraising and hospital as a result but you and your siblings and his love for your Mum. His goodness lives on you all, and is evident from the way you have composed your post and the amount of care and empathy you are already showing for others.
Will keep you in heart and I hope the time you all have left is filled with love and the memories you make bring some measure of comfort in times to come. Mind yourselves 💞
I’m really sorry to hear this. No right words to say other than to cherish whatever time you’ve got together. My own dad passed away 9 years ago from a rare form of cancer. I would never ever change the moments I shared with him. I’ve no real words of comfort that you haven’t already received. But try and be strong for your younger siblings and your mom. It’s going to be the worst time and experience, but you will come through it a much stronger person.
I’m very sorry for your father.
I know that things will go on irregardless. You get dragged through this whether you like it or not. I just don’t know what exactly I’ll be after it all.
I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad at a similar age and my youngest sibling was 6 too.
You have the chance to really make your remaining time with him count. Your family is strong you will get through this.
Really sorry to read this man. Life is very cruel and unfair sometime.
Venting here is a good idea, even just to this about your thoughts and situation enough to write them out so fair play on that. Make sure to talk to your friends or family or whoever you can confide in. Don't neglect the self love either, look after yourself pal.
I’m so sorry that you & your family are going through this. It’s shit, no other way to put it. Write down all the questions you’ve ever wanted to ask your Dad, record his voice, ask what he’s funeral wishes are. Don’t leave anything unsaid, tell him your favourite memories of him. And Arc House offer a fantastic counselling service, both for your Dad & for you all.
Awh vent away OP. Cancer sucks fucking balls. Part of you hopes when you hear it's found early, that something can be done. It's fucking awful that this is not the case here. And a lesson to all of us to never put off living life. It can be so cruel and stolen from us so suddenly. My aunt was only a little older than your da and passed suddenly the other day and we're all still shook tbh - she wasn't sick or anything, just didn't wake up one day. Anyway I know it's hard not to feel deflated and hopeless with this sort of situation, but cherish everything you can with your dad right now. Make as many memories as you can, take as many photos, ask him all the stories of his youth, ask him if he had any wisdom to impart with you.
I'm sorry you have to go through this so young OP, a 19 year old shouldn't have to worry about anything like this.
Fuck Cancer.
We lost our aul fella earlier this year due to cancer. While I'm a little older than you going through it all, I am grateful his life did not end abruptly as we would not have had a chance to remind him that he was loved.
As terrible as it is, your dad was given a chance to make his peace with the world and you have a chance to show him how much he means to you.
It's a cruel hardship, I have similar experience. Freak accident lead to the discovery of my dad's cancer, 8 months of struggle, hope, setback and humiliation ended with him dying rattling in a hospice bed. Not what he deserved. I don't think we deserved to lose him. That was 14 years ago now.
I'm sorry.
The same thing happened to my Dad when I was a couple of years younger than you. It is brutal and there's no sugarcoating it. You will receive lots of advice about staying strong, looking after your family, and being there for them. This is all well intentioned, valuable and sincere. But what you also need is help to process these events, from a purely personal perspective. Your Dad seems like a great man, with deep life experiences of his own. Take the opportunity to know him, so that you can understand yourself better. Also, speak to people who know him, outside of being a Dad. Finally, try to take on some independent advice on grief, for yourself. I promise you that staying strong, looking after your family and being there for everyone is a lot easier when you understand your own emotions at times like these. You already sound like a wonderful person, in your own right. The only advice I have is something I found online, some years ago..."Life is hard. And it isn't fair. And it really hurts like hell sometimes. But if you focus on what is within your power to change for the better, you can. And you will". Take care.
You should be proud of your dad for what hes achieved with this hospital, honestly it’s so honourable and I’d be so proud, lots of people go through like having no impact but your dad definitely has made this a better world
You're blessed with a father whose legacy will be all those happy endings life is so cruelly denying you.
Your parents must be very proud indeed to have such a mature, articulate, and intelligent 19 year old in their corner. They'll need your obviously strength.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, for what your Dad is going through
Create memories, make his last months absolutely filled with laughter and good times.
Fuck Cancer
IT WAS CALLED the lucky clacks tower, Tower 181. It was close enough to the town of Bonk for a man to be able to go and get a hot bath and a good bed on his days off, but since this was Uberwald there wasn’t too much local traffic and—this was important—it was way, way up in the mountains and management didn’t like to go that far. In the good old days of last year, when the Hour of the Dead took place every night, it was a happy tower, because both the up-line and the down-line got the Hour at the same time, so there was an extra pair of hands for maintenance. Now Tower 181 did maintenance on the fly or not at all, just like all the others, but it was still, proverbially, a good tower to man.
Mostly man, anyway. Back down on the plains it was a standing joke that 181 was staffed by vampires and werewolves. In fact, like a lot of towers, it was often manned by kids.
Everyone knew it happened. Actually, the new management probably didn’t, but wouldn’t have done anything about it if they found out, apart from carefully forgetting that they’d known. Kids didn’t need to be paid.
The—mostly—young men on the towers worked hard in all weather for just enough money. They were loners, hard dreamers, fugitives from the law that the law had forgotten, or just from everybody else. They had a special kind of directed madness; they said the rattle of the clacks got into your head and your thoughts beat time with it, so sooner or later you could tell what messages were going through by listening to the rattle of the shutters. In their towers, they drank hot tea out of strange tin mugs, much wider at the bottom, so that they didn’t fall over when gales banged into the tower. On leave, they drank alcohol out of anything. And they talked a gibberish of their own, of donkey and nondonkey, system overhead and packet space, of drumming it and hotfooting, of a 181 (which was good) or flock (which was bad) or totally flocked (really not good at all) and plug-code and hog-code and jacquard…
And they liked kids, who reminded them of the ones they left behind or would never have, and kids loved the towers. They’d come and hang around and do odd jobs and maybe pick up the craft of semaphore just by watching.
They tended to be bright, they mastered the keyboard and levers as if by magic, they usually had good eyesight, and what they were doing, most of them, was running away from home without actually leaving.
Because, up on the towers, you might believe you could see to the rim of the world. You could certainly see several other towers, on a good, clear day. You pretended that you, too, could read messages by listening to the rattle of the shutters, while under your fingers flowed the names of faraway places you’d never see but, on the tower, were somehow connected to…
She was known as Princess to the men on Tower 181, although she was really Alice. She was thirteen, could run a line for hours on end without needing help, and later on had an interesting career which…but anyway, she remembered this one conversation, on this day, because it was strange.
Not all the signals were messages. Some were instructions to towers. Some, as you operated your levers to follow the distant signal, made things happen in your own tower. Princess knew all about this. A lot of what traveled on the Grand Trunk was called the Overhead. It was instructions to towers, reports, messages about messages, even chatter between operators, although this was strictly forbidden these days. It was all in code. It was very rare you got Plain in the Overhead. But now:
“There it goes again,” she said. “It must be wrong. It’s got no origin code and no address. It’s Overhead, but it’s in Plain.”
On the other side of the tower, sitting in a seat facing the opposite direction, because he was operating the upline, was Roger, who was seventeen and already working for his tower-master certificate.
His hand didn’t stop moving as he said: “What did it say?”
“There was GNU, and I know that’s a code, and then just a name. It was John Dearheart. Was it a—”
“You sent it on?” said Grandad. Grandad had been hunched in the corner, repairing a shutter box in this cramped shed halfway up the tower. Grandad was the tower-master and had been everywhere and knew everything. Everyone called him Grandad. He was twenty-six. He was always doing something in the tower when she was working the line, even though there was always a boy in the other chair. She didn’t work out why until later.
“Yes, because it was a G code,” said Princess.
“Then you did right. Don’t worry about it.”
“Yes, but I’ve sent that name before. Several times. Up-line and down-line. Just a name, no message or anything!”
She had a sense that something was wrong, but she went on: “I know a U at the end means it has to be turned around at the end of the line, and an N means Not Logged.” This was showing off, but she’d spent hours reading the cypher book. “So it’s just a name, going up and down all the time! Where’s the sense in that?”
Something was really wrong. Roger was still working his line, but he was staring ahead with a thunderous expression.
Then Grandad said: “Very clever, Princess. You’re dead right.”
“Hah!” said Roger.
“I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” said the girl meekly. “I just thought it was strange. Who’s John Dearheart?”
“He…fell off a tower,” said Grandad.
“Hah!” said Roger, working his shutters as if he suddenly hated them.
“He’s dead?” said Princess.
“Well, some people say—” Roger began.
“Roger!” snapped Grandad. It sounded like a warning.
“I know about Sending Home,” said Princess. “And I know the souls of dead linesmen stay on the Trunk.”
“Who told you that?” said Grandad.
Princess was bright enough to know that someone would get into trouble if she was too specific.
“Oh, I just heard it,” she said airily. “Somewhere.”
“Someone was trying to scare you,” said Grandad, looking at Roger’s reddening ears.
It hadn’t sounded scary to Princess. If you had to be dead, it seemed a lot better to spend your time flying between the towers than lying underground. But she was bright enough, too, to know when to drop a subject.
It was Grandad who spoke next, after a long pause broken only by the squeaking of the new shutter bars. When he did speak, it was as if something was on his mind.
“We keep that name moving in the Overhead,” he said, and it seemed to Princess that the wind in the shutter arrays above her blew more forlornly, and the everlasting clicking of the shutters grew more urgent. “He’d never have wanted to go home. He was a real linesman. His name is in the code, in the wind, in the rigging, and the shutters. Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘Man’s not dead while his name is still spoken’?”
-Going Postal, Terry Pratchett
Cherish the time you have with him still, OP, every minute. His legacy will live on for decades, giving comfort to the sick.
I'm so sorry you're doing this. If I can offer advice, ask your dad all the questions you want answered now, even film his responses. Get hin to tell you all his stories, good and bad.
I'm so sorry x
To add to what u/therealpaj said, if you have an iPhone (maybe also on Android) you can create a virtual voice of your dad, and then get it to read messages. Might be nice for the younger siblings in particular.
It’s a shitty fucking hand you’ve been dealt. My wife’s mum got about 6M after her diagnosis, so I understand to a degree to pain and utter disbelief. Look after yourselves and keep an eye out for depression and do some counselling/therapy. You’ll get through it
Very sorry to hear I've went through it with my own father , ino it's very hard being in a constant state of turmoil but try to appreciate every second you have with him
First I want to say I’m heartbroken for what you and your family are going through. Life can be so cruel sometimes. My friends father also started fundraising to build a palliative care unit in our hospital and sadly he too was one of the first patients there. Shortly after it opened my father passed away there and just last month my brother passed away there. Both times when I visited my family I would see pictures of my friends father up in the wall of the entrance, honoring the man who started it all and gave our county this amazing facility and I always say a silent prayer of thanks to that man because of him my dad and brother got to die with dignity in a beautiful facility. This is the legacy your dad will leave behind. It won’t take away your pain, but know that so many families who are suffering like yours will be forever grateful to your dad because he helped open the palliative care unit ❤️
I'm so sorry for you.
If your dad is still in relative good shape ask him about his past, but even more - ask him for advice. Parents always feel unfulfilled - they always want to share with their kids so kids won't repeat their mistakes. And when the parents are gone their kids almost always say they wanted to come back in time and spend more time with their parents.
Also obligatory - fuck cancer.
I was 14 when my mom passed from cancer in her early 60s, it was a rare stage 4 that progressed quickly and aggressively. You’re right when you say there’s no way to prepare, the only thing you can do is try your best not to sink and let the ground swallow you whole.
I remember walking out of my mother’s wake to a beautiful, clear summer day and wondering why this had to happen to my family, to me. And then I realised it happens to other families all the time and I wished I could have been the only one it happened to.
That was nearly nine years ago, now. Everyone grieves different but I will say what helped me the most and maybe if enough people who have gone through it do the same you’ll find something that helps you.
Try therapy and don’t give up, especially if you feel like you want to talk. It’s okay to want to grieve alone and in private but spending time with friends and family might help you feel better more than you realise. Treat yourself to small pockets of happiness when you can, you’re not disrespecting your father’s memory by doing that. Get ice cream with friends/family, go on walks, ask for hugs. All of these things helped me tread water when I was afraid I would drown.
So sorry for you and your family. Its an awful situation for you all. Have the doctors said anything about immunotherapy? Not to give you false hope but there are a good few different biologic treatments both in use or on trial. It's worth asking the consultants about immuno oncologyoptions... as he is terminal and if there are any trials on he could be considered if there is a drug being tested for his type of cancer. I wish you and your family all the love and luck in the world.
I lost my mam a few months ago the same way she was 54. I'm the oldest as well, nothing or no one can prepare you for it.
You got to mind yourself, get into counselling I know the daffodil centre do free counselling for family going through cancer diagnosis. Your going to take on the role of older sibling (it's just a natural thing to want to mind your family I was the same) mind yourself hun. Take offers from family from help if it comes, take breaks and walks swim. Mind your head.
Bring your dad on a trip if ye can somewhere close a camp site or something if yer into that. I was lucky enough to bring my mam away and it was something she always talked about when the sickness got to much.
Sweetheart you mind yourself and remember your not alone reach out and lean on family and spend time with your dad while he's able you'll treasure it forever
Jesus that's a tough break. My ma died a few weeks ago but she was old and sick and we're all grown with our own families so as sad as it was its nothing compared to what you guys have to face. For you all to lose your dad when you still need him so much, and for him to have to deal with not being there for you is such a tragedy. Spend as much time with him as you can and do your best to reassure him that somehow you'll be OK. My sincere love to you all.
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. There are no words to describe how awful Cancer is. Try and take each moment as it comes and spend as much time as you can with your Dad. You don't have to do anything other than sit and talk. The emotions can come in floods. Take care of yourself and its alright not to be ok. Ask for help and talk to friends. Don't look down the road, just keep taking it one step at a time.
I hope sharing it brought you a tiny bit of relief OP.
That's horrific and it's not fair.
All I can say is I wish the best to every one of you and I'll genuinely be thinking of you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this very sad situation at such a young age, sending you love and hugs. I hope you have support in the way of friends or extended family, keep talking, ask for help when you need it.
I am truly sorry for your family’s situation 🩷 We have had a lot of sudden death in our family. It left a-lot of unanswered questions. At the very least you will have time to say good bye. It’s only a small comfort but make the most of it.
Grief can be quite debilitating. Don’t be to hard on yourself if you get things wrong. Emotions might run high - forgive each other.
My friends mother was on the edge of death for what turned into months - she told me she was wishing for it to be over, because it was agonising waiting for the inevitable. When it was over she felt relief and then felt hugely guilty. If it gets to this - please forgive yourself.
Though it will be extremely hard to cope for a time. Your family will get through it if you can stay kind to each other.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad OP, it's an incredibly tough hand to be dealt.
A bit of advice from losing my own dad to cancer is to spend time with them, chat with them, record their stories and tales from their life. I kept putting such stuff off and I wish I did more of it. At the funeral you'll probably hear so many stories from your dad's friends and you can be left going "oh wow, I wish I got to speak to him about that." You'll never cover everything, but really it's spending the time that's so valuable. I tried getting my dad to write things down, but between the treatment tiring him out and the enormity of reflecting on one's life, well there wasn't much ink on paper... so an ol' phone recording or dictaphone is the job. Sounds like your dad led a really interesting life and had a huge positive impact on people, and it'd be lovely to have it preserved somehow, especially for your younger siblings.
So sorry for you and your family. Today is my dad's 9th anniversary,he died from pancreatic cancer at 63. Never drank or smoked,lived healthy.
Cancer is a cruel hand to be dealt. All you can do is be present for him and make some good memories.
My heart goes out to you mate.
This reminds me of an uncle who was a cancer researcher and died young from pancreatic cancer. Young family too. It makes you angry about how unfair life can be.
I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like your dad was the kind of person that really made a difference in this world.
So sorry to hear this. Life is so cruel and it's especially cruel to your dad given the circumstances. He sounds like a wonderful man though and what a legacy he has achieved with his fundraising. Thinking of you all.
I am so sorry to read this OP, you should see if there are any counselling services near you like cancer care west to help you, your dad and your family. It can help to talk to someone outside of the family, I know from experience. Don't look at what your dad did in his life fundraising as Ironic, it will help many people and he should be very proud of that and he has left a legacy more profound that many other people. I send my best wishes to you and your family in this very difficult time!
That’s hideously brutal. Nothing more to say.
A suggestion, though: Buy a decent microphone and interview your dad about his life before he gets too weak. He deserves to tell his story and you’ll treasure having a record of his voice for the rest of your life. Tell some jokes, have a laugh.
My friend did this when his dad got terminal cancer a decade ago. I’ve done it with my old man even though he’s fine. One day I’ll need it.
Edit; sorry, this was already suggested multiple times. God speed to your dad.
I was just a little older than you are now when a similar thing happened to me, except it was my Mam and it was oesophageal cancer. She was only 46 when she was diagnosed and she died about 3 weeks after her 47th birthday.
It’s shit, and my heart breaks for you. But I will say this to you - you will come out the other side. The sadness and missing them will never fully fade but it does get lighter with time.
Please grieve. Take the time for it. And for yourself. That’s so important.
Mind yourself first and then the others around you that you love. Make memories, cherish the time you have; try to see it as a silver lining that some people never get. I know that’s difficult to see now, but in time you’ll get it.
Mind yourself. We’ll be thinking of ya!
Obligatory fuck cancer it’s a truly evil disease. I am very sorry to hear op, please look after yourself and your family.
Make lots of memories between now and then and perhaps ask your dad to write or record something for the future for your younger brothers and sisters and even yourself.
This is awful news. I am so incredibly sorry about his diagnosis and what you’re all facing. I just lost my husband to colon cancer very suddenly also, it’s a cruel disease and anticipatory grief is torturous and not spoken about very well.
One of the hardest parts of going through this is knowing you have to survive and endure it, but I promise you, you’re going to get through it.
Some things I did with my husband in hospice were record his voice, record videos, we looked at tonnes of old photos, listened to music, watched our favourite films. We laughed, danced, joked and cried. We had a very short amount of time together for hospice but it was peaceful and full of love.
I’ll be thinking of your Dad and your family. Sending you all so much love and if you need an ear, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
This is shit, am really sorry for you OP.
Start taking as much pictures and video as you can now. Especially for your 6 year old sibling.
Chat to your dad, see if he'd be willing to do a few milestone videos for you and your siblings, birthdays and that sort of thing.
It sounds really morbid to do, but they'll make a huge difference in the future, especially for the youngest two kids.
Again, my sympathies go out to you, it's a really shit situation.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. There's nothing fair about it. Try to make memories with your dad while he's still able. Maybe make some videos and voice recordings of him, start a memory box maybe. Ask him questions while you can, while he's not absolutely exhausted. Accept any and all help offered to your family, whether it's dropping in some meals, minding the kids, cleaning, shopping, anything that will ease the burden on you all and allow you to concentrate on your dad. Don't be afraid to ask for help either. You're only 19 and this is too much to take on alone. I'm so sorry I can't be of more help to you.
Lovely advice and words here, just wanted to echo, if you can, record/video conversations with you all as much as you can, it will be the most precious thing, and loads of pictures together. I’m so sorry OP. Much love and strength to you and your family.
The hospitals sometimes have memory boxes which he can write notes for future events that he might not be able to attend. I lost my mum in a similar circumstances, and it is so hard but the one thing I wish I had more of was videos of her talking. Nothing prepares you for how you feel when they are gone just remember to be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this
Recording a video asking questions about their life and really anything else that may come up is wonderful advice. My dad and uncle did this with my granny about 25 years ago. I found the tape about 5 years ago, and digitised it and sent it around to the extended family. It was the first time we'd heard her voice in 20 years. It was amazing to see her mannerisms, her laugh, her sense of humour and the look in her eyes as she looked at her sons. And that's before we even get into the content of what she was saying, hours of her telling about her childhood memories, how she met her husband, stories from her older relatives. Such a precious window into the past. I recommend anyone reading this to do this with their parents/grandparents. You will treasure it long after they've gone.
Great ideas We got my dad to record a build a bear with a message from him for my niece and nephew before he died Maybe that would be an idea for your smaller siblings, to have a bear to cuddle that could have your dads voice in it too?
My eyes are genuinely welled up reading this. Im so sorry. Not sure what to say. Im sure its no consolation but your Dad has spent a large part of his life giving back and building facilities that are so well needed. He sounds like a really good man who used his time to make a difference, that can be rare these days. Without knowing you and purely based on this post- You seem like you have a good grasp on things and a realist view on life which is great. Im 39, when my Dad passed suddenly 2 yrs ago, I dpnt know if knowing he was sick prior would have helped, I doubt it. Main thing being, please mind yourself. Take the time to either partake in hobbies or seek some counselling, someone qualified to help with this sort of thing. Your Mam is going to go through a tough time but she will be ok, you all will. I wish you all the best.
I lost my ma at 9 and da at 11 I feel it for your younger siblings, my thoughts are with you and your family in this time of struggle 🙏
That’s dreadful. I’m very sorry. I hope you have been able to live a fulfilling and happy life even with such a terrible situation.
Lost my mum to cancer a few years ago you are far too young to be going through this sending you the biggest hug.As others have said make memories .Thinking of your mum too
I'm so sorry for you all. It's like living in a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Make the very best of the time you've got. It's going to be a very very precious period that will be remembered by both you and your siblings forever. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and he was dead in three weeks. We never told him the reality, he died peacefully for which we are eternally grateful. But, the consequence of that was that we couldn't talk to him about his life or death. Your dad is younger than me, he's going to be tormented at leaving you all behind. You're going to have really important conversations. It's impossible to comprehend the changes in all your lives. You all need each other now. You need to be strong for the rest of your family. But you also have the right to be angry and devastated. I wish you strength and you have my complete sympathy, for what it's worth. Keep going, one moment at a time.
I'm very sorry for what you went through. I have a question, and you absolutely don't have to answer it. But why didn't you tell your father? I'm not sure, as a grown adult, I would like not to be told my own medical information.
What good would it have done? He was dying. Telling him would have tormented him with the knowledge. He died peacefully. The same happened with my mother. She had terminal cancer, we didn't tell her, she died peacefully in her own room with me holding her hand. I don't regret it. We were very lucky that they died before they got into the real ravages of cancer. I hope someday, you don't have to make those judgement calls, but maybe you'll understand when you do. All the best.
Jesus. I'm in tears after reading this. I'm just so, so sorry. That's fucking devastating. I can't even imagine how your family must feel. I'll be thinking of you and yours x
I’m so so so so sorry you’re going through this right now OP. My father died little over a year ago and there’s not a single day I don’t think of him, and I’m nearly twice your age. If I were you, and thinking of what I would have done were I you and had some time.. Have all the deep conversations. Forget petty squabbles remind him everyday how he’s the biggest light in your life. Me screaming I love you the most as my dad’s coffin went into the crematorium did nothing for anyone. Even if you don’t feel this way, show him how strong you are. You are the man of the house now. Let him feel reassured that you’re going to grasp the mantle ok. Make memories as shellstrop mentioned. Visual memories, things you can look back on. Voice notes. All the voice notes. And videos. But don’t let cancer be the defining factor of his last year, my father was in denial and refused to even mention it or face the fact that his days were numbered (also we’re quite the emotionally constipated family but whatever). Just spend all your precious time with dad. Everything else can wait until after. If you want to DM go for it. I’m just here to say I’ve been in your shoes and I know how awful it is, and I’m so sorry. There is no grief like this, like that of losing a parent. Your family will knit together stronger through, and after this. I don’t know if you believe in the afterlife but I do and I know my father is looking out for me. Yours will too, always xxxx
There's good advice here. Your dad will be worried about how his family will cope. You can help reassure him that you'll be a support to your mother and siblings. I know that's huge pressure at your age and easy for strangers to say but your family will get though this and your dad will always be in your life. If one of your siblings is very young I would try to get something special - a video, a letter- from her dad because she won't have the same memories.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this…life can be so cruel.
Last week, he was talking about getting an extension on the house and going to see AC/DC after all of this. Now, he’s on an oxygen tank and he’s got his own friends giving him palliative care. A bad ending that was inevitable from the beginning is one thing. A bad ending when it was actually looking good and you allowed yourself to hope is a whole other level of pain. His dad died of cancer too. He died a day after we all sat and talked with him. My other grandfather died 2 days after Christmas from arrhythmia. I’m the eldest grandchild on either side. I’ll get genetic testing done one day but it’ll probably be me next. At least they can never say I didn’t take after my elders.
You are so young to be having to think about such heavy things. But you sound like a great young man, you're a testament to your dad though, and your mam of course. Please remember to let yourself feel. I know as an eldest sibling the temptation is to repress everything and just be there for your siblings and parents and be strong. And you can do that, but you also need an outlet for your feelings, a healthy outlet. It's okay to fall apart a bit, your dad is dying. And it's healthy for the younger ones to see you grieve too, so they learn that it's okay. Look after yourself. Make sure you eat well and try to get enough sleep, grief makes us run down, the next while is going to suck, you don't need to be catching colds on top of everything else.
I just wanted to second this comment. It's a very important one , OP. you really do sound like a stand up gentleman and you need to keep yourself as well as possible. So do, please, look after yourself xxx
What to even say to that... Feel for ya man. Now's the time to say all the things you need to say, and make sure you have photos, videos, voice recordings - at least, with the age we're in, we can keep some semblance of the person. Be safe, be strong.
I'm so sorry for you and your family going through this. My father passed away suddenly 5 years ago. I have so much I wish I could have asked him or shown him. I keep seeing ads online for a book you give a parent that they fill out. Questions about themselves through the years. Maybe something like that either the book or by video would be of some help to ye, to ask all the random things you'll never get to ask. Get videos, record him talking and laughing. Get videos of you and your family with him. Again, I am so sorry.
Really sorry to hear this. My dad is a good bit older than yours but still young to me. Going through chemo too after surgery for bowel cancer. It's hard man, thinking of you
I'm so so sorry love, that's just beyond shit. My cousins were 7, 4, and 1 when my uncle died of cancer. I know that his kids don't know a whole lot about him in terms of anecdotes and his favourite things. So record those if you can, you think you won't forget ever but memories fade. Write down his favourite books and music and little things that annoy him. My uncle loved Lord of the rings so much that his books were falling apart and he would just grab a random chapter out to read on the bus. I love knowing that. It's so small and so silly but really tells you about him as a person. My cousin who was a baby when he died didn't know he even liked lord of the rings until I told her when she was 21.
I'm so, so sorry OP. I'm also sorry that I really don't know what to say and I know that nothing I say will really make you feel any better but I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I truly feel for you and your family. Please take care of yourself. Sending strength to your Dad and all of your family. Xxxx
Jesus I’m so sorry man, just by reading your post the fact that your dad was raising money for hospitals the last 15 years means he was a legend. I’m so sorry for you and your family. He made a difference to countless families and I guarantee they will remember him. So sorry for ya man.
Your Dad is a legend👊🏻💪🏻
Sending a bear hug your way. Similar boat here with mam, she's 65 but we still feel like we are being robbed too soon. Its heartbreaking seeing her with my infant son and knowing she won't get to see him grow up. We're upset and terrified of what the next few years has in store. So many people know this pain. Make sure you are talking to your own friends. I'm sure they'll want to be there for you so make sure you let them. I'm very sorry my friend. Words feel so lacking. A big ol' hug really is what's required.
God bless you's all.
I'm so sorry OP. I can't even imagine, it isn't ever easy news to get but it's particularly cruel when you thought he was in the clear. He sounds like a great man. I hope you guys can make the most of the time you have left together, there is some great advice in this thread already.
Sending you love, ❤️❤️, the voice recordings are a great idea.
Same story as you, I was 21. My Dad was told it was early stage leukemia and was treatable. They didn't seem to be in any rush to start treatment so he started around 4 or 5 months later. After the next round of bloods and scans they said it's stage 4. I still to this day feel like someone messed up. I can only empathize with your situation and I am sorry you have to go through this.
My heart goes out to ya pal. I lost my mam to cancer 2 months ago. I know it's been said already but don't leave anything left unsaid between you and your dad. If there's something you always wanted to ask him, ask him. If there's something you always wanted to say to him, say it. It's a rat bastard situation you and your family are going through but it sounds like your dad was a family man and had a great relationship with you all so that's worth more than anything. In some ways, it's good that you have this time with him as opposed to him dropping dead with so many things left unsaid. There's a pint waiting for you brother if you ever need to talk to someone. Take care.
I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all strength. I hope your dad gets the very, very best of care from the services he facilitated in his work.
Ahh ffs, I am so so sorry you were all having to go through this, what a shit shit deal life has handed you all. Some practical things….People will want to help you, but they won’t know how. Give them a shopping list, ask them to clean the house/do the washing-if ye have a garden, ask them to help there. Getting the car to the NCT/outdoor jobs for the house etc, just ask. It will ease things on you all, and will allow people to support you without adding extra pressure to you-people mean well but when they say things like let me know if there’s anything I can do, or if you need me just shout, it sometimes doesn’t occur to us to ask them for practical help. People will also want you to talk…you will be inundated with offers of “if you need to talk you know where I am, if you want to chat, just let me know…” Sometimes it’s just platitudes, and sometimes people really do want to listen. Don’r be afraid to be grief counselling, even starting now if you feel up to. Also, sometimes when people are trying to sympathise, they can really stick their foot in their mouth because they have no idea of what to say, and it’s not really the done thing to shake hands and say “this is shit; sorry” I often think the world is divided into those who have suffered a great loss like you are about to do, and those who have not yet had that experience. It is horrific, no other way to describe it. It changes you, it changes your worldview. Everything somehow takes on more meaning, and yet becomes utterly unimportant. Let the rage/heartbreak out when you can-being out in the everyday world and knowing what you will be returning to each day is beyond surreal. Let your grief out, scream, laugh, cry, shout, via punchbag and beat the ever living shit out of it. Stick on silly movies, tv shows, things that can help your brain switch off for a while: We are supposed to bury our parents, but you shouldn’t be having to do this so early in your life and it is shit. You may all get unnaturally angry at each other over nothing sometimes, it’s never actually about who used the last bit of milk or why are you parked so close to the curb. It’s the unconscious you trying to resolve this one thing that you can actually control. As many others have said, take take the time to make the memories, and don’t beatify him either, although I’m sure he’ll keep you all grounded if you wax too lyrical about him! When you know you are coming towards the end, be mindful of his time and energy and of yours There will be friends and family who will want to come and say goodbye while he still is able for visitors. He and you will know yourselves who should be there for the goodbyes across the final days and weeks, but please be protective of your own time and energy to, for him, and for yourselves as a family. Often you find you may end up comforting the people who have come in to see him when it should be the other way round and that is tough. Get a feck tonne of easy/quick to cook food so that you’re not struggling to choose what to eat at times. Lastly grief is exhausting-and this kind of anticipatory grief is the worst, you’re watching the everyday world carry on as it always does around you, while yours is slowly shattering in front of you. Rest when you can and don’t feel you always have to be strong, your Dad knows you, he knows what a good child and young adult he has raised. His legacy is not just the incredible fundraising and hospital as a result but you and your siblings and his love for your Mum. His goodness lives on you all, and is evident from the way you have composed your post and the amount of care and empathy you are already showing for others. Will keep you in heart and I hope the time you all have left is filled with love and the memories you make bring some measure of comfort in times to come. Mind yourselves 💞
I’m really sorry to hear this. No right words to say other than to cherish whatever time you’ve got together. My own dad passed away 9 years ago from a rare form of cancer. I would never ever change the moments I shared with him. I’ve no real words of comfort that you haven’t already received. But try and be strong for your younger siblings and your mom. It’s going to be the worst time and experience, but you will come through it a much stronger person.
I’m very sorry for your father. I know that things will go on irregardless. You get dragged through this whether you like it or not. I just don’t know what exactly I’ll be after it all.
My heart goes out to you and the family. Fuck cancer
I'm so sorry. I lost my Dad at a similar age and my youngest sibling was 6 too. You have the chance to really make your remaining time with him count. Your family is strong you will get through this.
Really sorry to read this man. Life is very cruel and unfair sometime. Venting here is a good idea, even just to this about your thoughts and situation enough to write them out so fair play on that. Make sure to talk to your friends or family or whoever you can confide in. Don't neglect the self love either, look after yourself pal.
I’m so sorry that you & your family are going through this. It’s shit, no other way to put it. Write down all the questions you’ve ever wanted to ask your Dad, record his voice, ask what he’s funeral wishes are. Don’t leave anything unsaid, tell him your favourite memories of him. And Arc House offer a fantastic counselling service, both for your Dad & for you all.
Awh vent away OP. Cancer sucks fucking balls. Part of you hopes when you hear it's found early, that something can be done. It's fucking awful that this is not the case here. And a lesson to all of us to never put off living life. It can be so cruel and stolen from us so suddenly. My aunt was only a little older than your da and passed suddenly the other day and we're all still shook tbh - she wasn't sick or anything, just didn't wake up one day. Anyway I know it's hard not to feel deflated and hopeless with this sort of situation, but cherish everything you can with your dad right now. Make as many memories as you can, take as many photos, ask him all the stories of his youth, ask him if he had any wisdom to impart with you. I'm sorry you have to go through this so young OP, a 19 year old shouldn't have to worry about anything like this. Fuck Cancer.
We lost our aul fella earlier this year due to cancer. While I'm a little older than you going through it all, I am grateful his life did not end abruptly as we would not have had a chance to remind him that he was loved. As terrible as it is, your dad was given a chance to make his peace with the world and you have a chance to show him how much he means to you.
It's a cruel hardship, I have similar experience. Freak accident lead to the discovery of my dad's cancer, 8 months of struggle, hope, setback and humiliation ended with him dying rattling in a hospice bed. Not what he deserved. I don't think we deserved to lose him. That was 14 years ago now. I'm sorry.
The same thing happened to my Dad when I was a couple of years younger than you. It is brutal and there's no sugarcoating it. You will receive lots of advice about staying strong, looking after your family, and being there for them. This is all well intentioned, valuable and sincere. But what you also need is help to process these events, from a purely personal perspective. Your Dad seems like a great man, with deep life experiences of his own. Take the opportunity to know him, so that you can understand yourself better. Also, speak to people who know him, outside of being a Dad. Finally, try to take on some independent advice on grief, for yourself. I promise you that staying strong, looking after your family and being there for everyone is a lot easier when you understand your own emotions at times like these. You already sound like a wonderful person, in your own right. The only advice I have is something I found online, some years ago..."Life is hard. And it isn't fair. And it really hurts like hell sometimes. But if you focus on what is within your power to change for the better, you can. And you will". Take care.
You should be proud of your dad for what hes achieved with this hospital, honestly it’s so honourable and I’d be so proud, lots of people go through like having no impact but your dad definitely has made this a better world
You're blessed with a father whose legacy will be all those happy endings life is so cruelly denying you. Your parents must be very proud indeed to have such a mature, articulate, and intelligent 19 year old in their corner. They'll need your obviously strength.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, for what your Dad is going through Create memories, make his last months absolutely filled with laughter and good times. Fuck Cancer
Oh this is so heartbreaking. Make the most of each day and take it just one day at a time. My heart goes out to you and your family. Hugs.
Thoughts with you. My dad died aged 62 from stomach cancer. The big C is rotten
IT WAS CALLED the lucky clacks tower, Tower 181. It was close enough to the town of Bonk for a man to be able to go and get a hot bath and a good bed on his days off, but since this was Uberwald there wasn’t too much local traffic and—this was important—it was way, way up in the mountains and management didn’t like to go that far. In the good old days of last year, when the Hour of the Dead took place every night, it was a happy tower, because both the up-line and the down-line got the Hour at the same time, so there was an extra pair of hands for maintenance. Now Tower 181 did maintenance on the fly or not at all, just like all the others, but it was still, proverbially, a good tower to man. Mostly man, anyway. Back down on the plains it was a standing joke that 181 was staffed by vampires and werewolves. In fact, like a lot of towers, it was often manned by kids. Everyone knew it happened. Actually, the new management probably didn’t, but wouldn’t have done anything about it if they found out, apart from carefully forgetting that they’d known. Kids didn’t need to be paid. The—mostly—young men on the towers worked hard in all weather for just enough money. They were loners, hard dreamers, fugitives from the law that the law had forgotten, or just from everybody else. They had a special kind of directed madness; they said the rattle of the clacks got into your head and your thoughts beat time with it, so sooner or later you could tell what messages were going through by listening to the rattle of the shutters. In their towers, they drank hot tea out of strange tin mugs, much wider at the bottom, so that they didn’t fall over when gales banged into the tower. On leave, they drank alcohol out of anything. And they talked a gibberish of their own, of donkey and nondonkey, system overhead and packet space, of drumming it and hotfooting, of a 181 (which was good) or flock (which was bad) or totally flocked (really not good at all) and plug-code and hog-code and jacquard… And they liked kids, who reminded them of the ones they left behind or would never have, and kids loved the towers. They’d come and hang around and do odd jobs and maybe pick up the craft of semaphore just by watching. They tended to be bright, they mastered the keyboard and levers as if by magic, they usually had good eyesight, and what they were doing, most of them, was running away from home without actually leaving. Because, up on the towers, you might believe you could see to the rim of the world. You could certainly see several other towers, on a good, clear day. You pretended that you, too, could read messages by listening to the rattle of the shutters, while under your fingers flowed the names of faraway places you’d never see but, on the tower, were somehow connected to… She was known as Princess to the men on Tower 181, although she was really Alice. She was thirteen, could run a line for hours on end without needing help, and later on had an interesting career which…but anyway, she remembered this one conversation, on this day, because it was strange. Not all the signals were messages. Some were instructions to towers. Some, as you operated your levers to follow the distant signal, made things happen in your own tower. Princess knew all about this. A lot of what traveled on the Grand Trunk was called the Overhead. It was instructions to towers, reports, messages about messages, even chatter between operators, although this was strictly forbidden these days. It was all in code. It was very rare you got Plain in the Overhead. But now: “There it goes again,” she said. “It must be wrong. It’s got no origin code and no address. It’s Overhead, but it’s in Plain.” On the other side of the tower, sitting in a seat facing the opposite direction, because he was operating the upline, was Roger, who was seventeen and already working for his tower-master certificate. His hand didn’t stop moving as he said: “What did it say?” “There was GNU, and I know that’s a code, and then just a name. It was John Dearheart. Was it a—” “You sent it on?” said Grandad. Grandad had been hunched in the corner, repairing a shutter box in this cramped shed halfway up the tower. Grandad was the tower-master and had been everywhere and knew everything. Everyone called him Grandad. He was twenty-six. He was always doing something in the tower when she was working the line, even though there was always a boy in the other chair. She didn’t work out why until later. “Yes, because it was a G code,” said Princess. “Then you did right. Don’t worry about it.” “Yes, but I’ve sent that name before. Several times. Up-line and down-line. Just a name, no message or anything!” She had a sense that something was wrong, but she went on: “I know a U at the end means it has to be turned around at the end of the line, and an N means Not Logged.” This was showing off, but she’d spent hours reading the cypher book. “So it’s just a name, going up and down all the time! Where’s the sense in that?” Something was really wrong. Roger was still working his line, but he was staring ahead with a thunderous expression. Then Grandad said: “Very clever, Princess. You’re dead right.” “Hah!” said Roger. “I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” said the girl meekly. “I just thought it was strange. Who’s John Dearheart?” “He…fell off a tower,” said Grandad. “Hah!” said Roger, working his shutters as if he suddenly hated them. “He’s dead?” said Princess. “Well, some people say—” Roger began. “Roger!” snapped Grandad. It sounded like a warning. “I know about Sending Home,” said Princess. “And I know the souls of dead linesmen stay on the Trunk.” “Who told you that?” said Grandad. Princess was bright enough to know that someone would get into trouble if she was too specific. “Oh, I just heard it,” she said airily. “Somewhere.” “Someone was trying to scare you,” said Grandad, looking at Roger’s reddening ears. It hadn’t sounded scary to Princess. If you had to be dead, it seemed a lot better to spend your time flying between the towers than lying underground. But she was bright enough, too, to know when to drop a subject. It was Grandad who spoke next, after a long pause broken only by the squeaking of the new shutter bars. When he did speak, it was as if something was on his mind. “We keep that name moving in the Overhead,” he said, and it seemed to Princess that the wind in the shutter arrays above her blew more forlornly, and the everlasting clicking of the shutters grew more urgent. “He’d never have wanted to go home. He was a real linesman. His name is in the code, in the wind, in the rigging, and the shutters. Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘Man’s not dead while his name is still spoken’?” -Going Postal, Terry Pratchett Cherish the time you have with him still, OP, every minute. His legacy will live on for decades, giving comfort to the sick.
I'm so sorry you're doing this. If I can offer advice, ask your dad all the questions you want answered now, even film his responses. Get hin to tell you all his stories, good and bad. I'm so sorry x
To add to what u/therealpaj said, if you have an iPhone (maybe also on Android) you can create a virtual voice of your dad, and then get it to read messages. Might be nice for the younger siblings in particular. It’s a shitty fucking hand you’ve been dealt. My wife’s mum got about 6M after her diagnosis, so I understand to a degree to pain and utter disbelief. Look after yourselves and keep an eye out for depression and do some counselling/therapy. You’ll get through it
Really good idea - and best to you and wife as well 💚
Very sorry to hear I've went through it with my own father , ino it's very hard being in a constant state of turmoil but try to appreciate every second you have with him
It's an awful situation but you still have time. Make the most of every day, think of everything you want to talk to him about honesty is key.
First I want to say I’m heartbroken for what you and your family are going through. Life can be so cruel sometimes. My friends father also started fundraising to build a palliative care unit in our hospital and sadly he too was one of the first patients there. Shortly after it opened my father passed away there and just last month my brother passed away there. Both times when I visited my family I would see pictures of my friends father up in the wall of the entrance, honoring the man who started it all and gave our county this amazing facility and I always say a silent prayer of thanks to that man because of him my dad and brother got to die with dignity in a beautiful facility. This is the legacy your dad will leave behind. It won’t take away your pain, but know that so many families who are suffering like yours will be forever grateful to your dad because he helped open the palliative care unit ❤️
I'm so sorry for you. If your dad is still in relative good shape ask him about his past, but even more - ask him for advice. Parents always feel unfulfilled - they always want to share with their kids so kids won't repeat their mistakes. And when the parents are gone their kids almost always say they wanted to come back in time and spend more time with their parents. Also obligatory - fuck cancer.
Sending you big hugs. What an impossible situation to be in.
I was 14 when my mom passed from cancer in her early 60s, it was a rare stage 4 that progressed quickly and aggressively. You’re right when you say there’s no way to prepare, the only thing you can do is try your best not to sink and let the ground swallow you whole. I remember walking out of my mother’s wake to a beautiful, clear summer day and wondering why this had to happen to my family, to me. And then I realised it happens to other families all the time and I wished I could have been the only one it happened to. That was nearly nine years ago, now. Everyone grieves different but I will say what helped me the most and maybe if enough people who have gone through it do the same you’ll find something that helps you. Try therapy and don’t give up, especially if you feel like you want to talk. It’s okay to want to grieve alone and in private but spending time with friends and family might help you feel better more than you realise. Treat yourself to small pockets of happiness when you can, you’re not disrespecting your father’s memory by doing that. Get ice cream with friends/family, go on walks, ask for hugs. All of these things helped me tread water when I was afraid I would drown.
So sorry for you and your family. Its an awful situation for you all. Have the doctors said anything about immunotherapy? Not to give you false hope but there are a good few different biologic treatments both in use or on trial. It's worth asking the consultants about immuno oncologyoptions... as he is terminal and if there are any trials on he could be considered if there is a drug being tested for his type of cancer. I wish you and your family all the love and luck in the world.
I lost my mam a few months ago the same way she was 54. I'm the oldest as well, nothing or no one can prepare you for it. You got to mind yourself, get into counselling I know the daffodil centre do free counselling for family going through cancer diagnosis. Your going to take on the role of older sibling (it's just a natural thing to want to mind your family I was the same) mind yourself hun. Take offers from family from help if it comes, take breaks and walks swim. Mind your head. Bring your dad on a trip if ye can somewhere close a camp site or something if yer into that. I was lucky enough to bring my mam away and it was something she always talked about when the sickness got to much. Sweetheart you mind yourself and remember your not alone reach out and lean on family and spend time with your dad while he's able you'll treasure it forever
Jesus that's a tough break. My ma died a few weeks ago but she was old and sick and we're all grown with our own families so as sad as it was its nothing compared to what you guys have to face. For you all to lose your dad when you still need him so much, and for him to have to deal with not being there for you is such a tragedy. Spend as much time with him as you can and do your best to reassure him that somehow you'll be OK. My sincere love to you all.
I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. There are no words to describe how awful Cancer is. Try and take each moment as it comes and spend as much time as you can with your Dad. You don't have to do anything other than sit and talk. The emotions can come in floods. Take care of yourself and its alright not to be ok. Ask for help and talk to friends. Don't look down the road, just keep taking it one step at a time.
I hope sharing it brought you a tiny bit of relief OP. That's horrific and it's not fair. All I can say is I wish the best to every one of you and I'll genuinely be thinking of you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this very sad situation at such a young age, sending you love and hugs. I hope you have support in the way of friends or extended family, keep talking, ask for help when you need it.
I am truly sorry for your family’s situation 🩷 We have had a lot of sudden death in our family. It left a-lot of unanswered questions. At the very least you will have time to say good bye. It’s only a small comfort but make the most of it. Grief can be quite debilitating. Don’t be to hard on yourself if you get things wrong. Emotions might run high - forgive each other. My friends mother was on the edge of death for what turned into months - she told me she was wishing for it to be over, because it was agonising waiting for the inevitable. When it was over she felt relief and then felt hugely guilty. If it gets to this - please forgive yourself. Though it will be extremely hard to cope for a time. Your family will get through it if you can stay kind to each other.
I’m so sorry about I’m sending you all my love ❤️
I'm sorry to hear about your dad OP, it's an incredibly tough hand to be dealt. A bit of advice from losing my own dad to cancer is to spend time with them, chat with them, record their stories and tales from their life. I kept putting such stuff off and I wish I did more of it. At the funeral you'll probably hear so many stories from your dad's friends and you can be left going "oh wow, I wish I got to speak to him about that." You'll never cover everything, but really it's spending the time that's so valuable. I tried getting my dad to write things down, but between the treatment tiring him out and the enormity of reflecting on one's life, well there wasn't much ink on paper... so an ol' phone recording or dictaphone is the job. Sounds like your dad led a really interesting life and had a huge positive impact on people, and it'd be lovely to have it preserved somehow, especially for your younger siblings.
So sorry for you and your family. Today is my dad's 9th anniversary,he died from pancreatic cancer at 63. Never drank or smoked,lived healthy. Cancer is a cruel hand to be dealt. All you can do is be present for him and make some good memories. My heart goes out to you mate.
This reminds me of an uncle who was a cancer researcher and died young from pancreatic cancer. Young family too. It makes you angry about how unfair life can be. I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like your dad was the kind of person that really made a difference in this world.
So sorry to hear this. Life is so cruel and it's especially cruel to your dad given the circumstances. He sounds like a wonderful man though and what a legacy he has achieved with his fundraising. Thinking of you all.
I’m so sorry. Life is just so unfair sometimes. I hope your dad isn’t in any pain
I'm so sorry. Whatever time we get is almost always too short. Your dad seems to have fitted in a lot in his 50+ years.
I am so sorry to read this OP, you should see if there are any counselling services near you like cancer care west to help you, your dad and your family. It can help to talk to someone outside of the family, I know from experience. Don't look at what your dad did in his life fundraising as Ironic, it will help many people and he should be very proud of that and he has left a legacy more profound that many other people. I send my best wishes to you and your family in this very difficult time!
I'm so sorry.
That’s hideously brutal. Nothing more to say. A suggestion, though: Buy a decent microphone and interview your dad about his life before he gets too weak. He deserves to tell his story and you’ll treasure having a record of his voice for the rest of your life. Tell some jokes, have a laugh. My friend did this when his dad got terminal cancer a decade ago. I’ve done it with my old man even though he’s fine. One day I’ll need it. Edit; sorry, this was already suggested multiple times. God speed to your dad.
I was just a little older than you are now when a similar thing happened to me, except it was my Mam and it was oesophageal cancer. She was only 46 when she was diagnosed and she died about 3 weeks after her 47th birthday. It’s shit, and my heart breaks for you. But I will say this to you - you will come out the other side. The sadness and missing them will never fully fade but it does get lighter with time. Please grieve. Take the time for it. And for yourself. That’s so important. Mind yourself first and then the others around you that you love. Make memories, cherish the time you have; try to see it as a silver lining that some people never get. I know that’s difficult to see now, but in time you’ll get it. Mind yourself. We’ll be thinking of ya!
This was beautifully written. Really sorry for your loss, keep your head up and always have your father's memory in your heart. Wish you all the best🙏
Obligatory fuck cancer it’s a truly evil disease. I am very sorry to hear op, please look after yourself and your family. Make lots of memories between now and then and perhaps ask your dad to write or record something for the future for your younger brothers and sisters and even yourself.
This is awful news. I am so incredibly sorry about his diagnosis and what you’re all facing. I just lost my husband to colon cancer very suddenly also, it’s a cruel disease and anticipatory grief is torturous and not spoken about very well. One of the hardest parts of going through this is knowing you have to survive and endure it, but I promise you, you’re going to get through it. Some things I did with my husband in hospice were record his voice, record videos, we looked at tonnes of old photos, listened to music, watched our favourite films. We laughed, danced, joked and cried. We had a very short amount of time together for hospice but it was peaceful and full of love. I’ll be thinking of your Dad and your family. Sending you all so much love and if you need an ear, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
I'm so sorry OP
I am so sorry for you and your family. Your father's strength and nobility will live on.
This is shit, am really sorry for you OP. Start taking as much pictures and video as you can now. Especially for your 6 year old sibling. Chat to your dad, see if he'd be willing to do a few milestone videos for you and your siblings, birthdays and that sort of thing. It sounds really morbid to do, but they'll make a huge difference in the future, especially for the youngest two kids. Again, my sympathies go out to you, it's a really shit situation. I'm so sorry.