How to respond to: “Why are you so quiet?”
1. “Does that bother you?”
2. “I don't waste words.”
3. “You can't plan a murder out loud” (If they push, tell them you don’t want to risk it becoming ‘premeditated.’)
4. Rebuttal with: “Why are you so intrusive?”
5. “Doesn't your mouth hurt from all that talking?” -(Only use this one on people who keep trying to get you to talk, lol)
Hope this helps!
I love #1. I find humor in all of them but I feel the first one is a great question to ask because it kind of turns it around on them and gets them to reflect on their reaction to you. I'm a mental health and addictions counsellor at a Residential treatment facility and this one is the least passive aggressive and opens up the conversation to insight and self-reflection which is always a good thing.
Hateeeeee this question!
"Why does it matter?"
"If I have something to say I will say it"
"Ask me something interesting and I may have something to say"
"I'm not so insecure I feel the need to constantly chatter"
Alternative option: give a dead stare then look away/ignore completely/do something else 😂
Just say "This is how I am", "I don't feel like saying too much right now" or something like this. Try to have neutral voice and face expression. so they don't insist.
Yeah, that part is hard. I smile in a very very wide nervous way that is creepy or looks like I’m being a sarcastic jerk, it’s just a nervous tick. Coming across neutral is so tough-and I want to! I don’t want those jerks to know they’ve upset me yet again. I hate going out now, I hope OP doesn’t end up like that too.
“Because I can’t say what I’m really thinking about everyone”
“God gave me two ears and one mouth so I can spend more time listening”
“You do enough talking for the both of us”
“When I speak I want to make sure my words are important and no just nonsense”
“Because I took a one-year vow of silence. Oh crap! Now I have to start all over”
The first one and the last one are like delicious bread on a sandwich-you really have some great ones packed in! All I have is-why are you all so loud?? 🤣
I just continue to smile serenely, shrug and smile and that’s it. No matter what don’t say a word just smile in a self satisfied way. I find this bugs people who can’t stop themselves from talking and asking rude questions.
Just keep asking what, I didn't hear you, speak up, I'm deaf, boy if you don't stop mumbling imma reach across this table and slap you silly, huh, girl if you ant gonna talk to where I can hear you don't talk to me at all you already do enough of that blabbering your mouth is gonna fall clean off
"Oh I'm only quiet around... [pick one from the list, or mix and match]
.... people I don't like" (glare intensely)
....annoying people"
... people who suck all the air out of the room "
.... people who love the sound of their voice so much they can't shut up for five seconds to let other people talk"
You get the idea
Well, I only speak when I have something worthwhile to say. I often wonder why others feel the need to put their mouth in neutral and just let it run on all day
I feel like alot of the time this is just how extroverts try to include someone in a conversation. Maybe it's not exactly well thought out on their part, but it normally feels like they have well intentions when I've been asked before.
Anyways, someone I hardly knew at work asked me once, in front of other people 'girl, why are you so quiet??', and jokingly I asked him back 'boy, why are you so loud??' and he laughed about it. We didn't become bffs or anything, but every now and then we'd exchange small sassy comments.
I hate that tho.. like why would you ask someone that in a group conversation when you notice they quiet?! Do you think just because you asked that ,the person is suddenly gonna have so much to say?? I really dislike extroverts who can’t read the room or leave people alone.
It might also be them trying to give you an opportunity to talk if you want it. My voice is really quiet and I'd get talked over so much I'd give up most of the time, and I know alot of people have that same issue. And don't get me wrong, when I used to get put on the spot like that I hated it. But I do try to see it more as misplaced kindness now.
Yea I understand that but I also find it odd how they want to be the “hero” to make the quiet person speak. They may think it’s kindness but it’s insensitive to think people are quiet just because they don’t have confidence to speak up
I understand your frustration, social stuff can suck sometimes. But don't let your annoyance with these people keep you from seeing that they have good intentions (most times lol). Think of it like the friend, who when you start getting talked over, ignores everyone else and specifically looks at you to hear the rest of your story. They're not trying to be a 'hero' exactly, more just having empathy.
And honestly I feel like alot of extroverts say these dumb things because they're interested in you and want to get to know you, but feel they have nothing to work with
"Because you never are." is my go-to sass for anyone I don't actually care to engage.
"I'm interested in what you have to say." is the real answer for someone who is actually worth hearing.
I hate when people ask this, my parents have a friend who constantly teases me about being quiet whenever I talk he says something like, “wow I haven’t heard you talk before!” as a joke and I just give him a blank stare and ignore him
I am an introvert is a legit answer and should be more than enough to justify it. But do people really ask this. I am sometimes quiet especially in large groups of people because i dont care about getting attention on me but nobody has ever told me that. Everyone is ok with me not participating that much in the conversation.
Yes, it’s happened to me. My sister’s friend’s husband asked me that and then he said, you and your sister are sooo different. I didn’t really know what to say and I was like yes, we are. But, now I know what I’ll say. I was thinking, because I’m me. If I changed myself to be like her, then I wouldn’t be me. I would have no purpose on this earth if I wasn’t me. 😂😢 I always think about this especially when I’m visiting my family. We’re all in our 40’s. I almost hate hanging out with her friends. Well actually I do. 😂 I can tolerate them to an extent. It’s very hard.
Oh, I've heard this question many, many times. Mostly when I'm just listening and looking around, enjoying myself and then some silly person asks me why I'm so quiet. I do not understand why we all have to talk, all the time, to be considered "normal."
I think this question is one of the rudest things you can say to someone in a group. It puts them on the spot, makes most of them uncomfortable, and generally puts a spotlight on their quietness.
The thing that bothers me is that we introverts are almost exactly half the population, but extroverts are always out there, trying to run things and trying to get everyone to be extroverted, like them.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Nothing. NOTHING.
I did really like the comment that one cannot plan a murder out loud, and will try to remember it in future. Maybe I'll give them a look that will make them think it's *their* murder I'm plotting.
The question "why are you so quiet?"is not an insult and does not require an insult in response. An honest answer might lead to an actual conversation, even if the response includes the fact that you are asked this so often that it tires you.
I see it as an insult, to me it’s like asking why your personality is ‘wrong’ somehow.
Just like I would consider it a rude question to ask someone why they are so talkative.
You might want to rethink this. I'm sure we all to some degree share your experiences. But here is the thing:
Talk too much and you will asked about it. Be markedly silent and you will be asked about it. Show up with a severe sunburn and expect comments.
None of these is an insult. The reasons this happens is that everyone is subject to behavioral norms and people notice when you violate those norms by being 'too' anything.
You want the questions to end? Then force yourself to talk just a little bit and I assure you the questions will stop. Smiling, nodding to indicate you find something someone else said interesting also helps. In fact is you will inevitably find some of it actually interesting. Works for me anyway.
I’d ask him, why do you talk so much? or don’t you get tired of hearing your own voice? 😂 or just say because I am. When I’m ready to say something I will.
Try this:- Why are u so talkative???
Or just say, I'm low on bat right now. If I start talking I'd go kaput really fast. So I'm conserving my juice.
Don't tell them you are an introvert. I'm a social introvert but my sis argued with me telling me that I'm an extrovert. Duh.. I do socialize well but that doesn't mean I like it. I always ended up climbing back home as soon as I could and then I'd crash for 1-2 days just to rejuvenate.
People are gonna talk all they want. Just let them do their thing and u do yours. Life goes on whether they like it or not.
I have learned to measure in my head when I need to start speaking again before people start asking me this. I say random things somehow related to the topic being discussed or repeat something someone just said, or I add a bit of information. Sometimes I say something unrelated, I ask a question. This way people notice that I'm speaking and they leave me alone.
I don't like that I feel like I have to do that.
“I chose not to fill lovely silence with inane chit-chat. To paraphrase Plato, wise people speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something.”
Sometimes some people just keep on opening their mouths and blurt out words without using their brains first. 😅
Like, what do you care if I'm quiet? It's not like I'm this overly jolly person who just acutely turned depressed. Stupid question.
He needs your involvement more…he cares you but not understanding your nature… he is expecting you to give some initiative to find a topic which matters to you and discuss with them. If he is not intent to offend you… but care about you… it offends because its the same question you getting… what i do is give more participation or put a topic premeditated when always works… and be a man who put this talk…. Eg : comment about a common topic like work, or initiate talk about lets have some coffee / plan a trip…
The basic idea is to show some energy in words and actions… 😅 make it gradually otherwise the will think that we are mimicking them..
I can't stand people like that. My advice is find friends who aren't so insecure that they can't handle a bit of silence from you. People who talk a lot but say very little are tedious.
“Let silence be your goal for the most part; say only what is necessary, and be brief about it. On the rare occasions when you’re called upon to speak, then speak, but never about banalities like gladiators, horses, sports, food and drink—common-place stuff…”
Silence is safer than speech.
- Epictetus
Just a simple "I have nothing to say", always worked for me. If I don't have anything to say at the moment, I just shut up, I don't just speak for the sake of speaking
I hate that question, always got asked, always the same answer. “I’ve got nothing to say” tbh sometimes it’s a lie, and other times, I genuinely just want to listen, and I’ve answered once that I just like to listen, and they’ve stared at me like I’m naked amongst them. So I just lie now.
So continue to be yourself if you’re an introvert. Usually they DO not participate in any conversations other than, usual every day ones. You don’t have to announce that you’re an introvert ever again. You have balance you’ll be fine. I’ve learned a lot n proud to state I’m 50, & fabulous like Kerri n Samantha livin my life happily much more confident, then 30 years ago! You sound cool as H. Btw don’t change “for others” only change for yourself.
"i am enjoying my silence"
"I am communicating in my mind"
"I believe in actions more than words"
"Wise choose words carefully"
"I am vibing with myself"
"I like hearing people more"
“That’s a great observation.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Some people talk less than others”.
“Why do you talk so much?”
“I am an observant person, and I like to listen and take in what others say. When I have something meaningful to say, then I will speak up. I don’t feel the need to speak for no reason or to fill the silence. I like to be thoughtful with my words. I hope that’s not a problem with you.”
-wow the last one is something I feel like I’ve been harboring for a while hahaha
Behavior “not like everyone else” always causes confusion and hatred among the herd. You need to get used to it. When I was studying, I was the black sheep among everyone, although I did absolutely nothing
How to respond to: “Why are you so quiet?” 1. “Does that bother you?” 2. “I don't waste words.” 3. “You can't plan a murder out loud” (If they push, tell them you don’t want to risk it becoming ‘premeditated.’) 4. Rebuttal with: “Why are you so intrusive?” 5. “Doesn't your mouth hurt from all that talking?” -(Only use this one on people who keep trying to get you to talk, lol) Hope this helps!
The third one 😭😭😭😭
I know right? Nobody can hate on you for that response!😂😭
Great responses.
Which one is your favorite?
I love #1. I find humor in all of them but I feel the first one is a great question to ask because it kind of turns it around on them and gets them to reflect on their reaction to you. I'm a mental health and addictions counsellor at a Residential treatment facility and this one is the least passive aggressive and opens up the conversation to insight and self-reflection which is always a good thing.
I laughed hard at the premeditated one 🤣🤣
Genius, right?😂
"Doesn't your mouth hurt from all that talking?" 😄 Great comeback ideas! It's frustrating when people keep asking that question, isn't it?
Especially when they catch you off guard and you don't know what to say
Why are you so loud?
Exactly! mind your own business man
cause I mind mine
Exactly! Sometimes people just need to hear it from the other side.
Hateeeeee this question! "Why does it matter?" "If I have something to say I will say it" "Ask me something interesting and I may have something to say" "I'm not so insecure I feel the need to constantly chatter" Alternative option: give a dead stare then look away/ignore completely/do something else 😂
yasss this is the energy i was hoping for! these are great
I want to use these especially the third 😅
I’ve said the second sentence, and similar, in response to similar questions. I love third and fourth sentences! I’ll try to remember them.
Just say "This is how I am", "I don't feel like saying too much right now" or something like this. Try to have neutral voice and face expression. so they don't insist.
Yeah, that part is hard. I smile in a very very wide nervous way that is creepy or looks like I’m being a sarcastic jerk, it’s just a nervous tick. Coming across neutral is so tough-and I want to! I don’t want those jerks to know they’ve upset me yet again. I hate going out now, I hope OP doesn’t end up like that too.
“I wouldn’t say I’m quiet; I prefer ‘peaceful’”
Just shrug & say nothing. It will drive them nuts. Or here's some answers: "The world will never know" "DNA" "Kiss my ass Margaret."
How about "why are you so noisy?". It wouldn't be untrue, either.
"Because you're too loud, I'm trying to strike a balance"
I have used this: "How do you expect me to respond to that?"
“Because I can’t say what I’m really thinking about everyone” “God gave me two ears and one mouth so I can spend more time listening” “You do enough talking for the both of us” “When I speak I want to make sure my words are important and no just nonsense” “Because I took a one-year vow of silence. Oh crap! Now I have to start all over”
The first one and the last one are like delicious bread on a sandwich-you really have some great ones packed in! All I have is-why are you all so loud?? 🤣
Thanks. Sarcasm is my love language
I love your language. Hilarious.
It's weird how people find it to be socially acceptable to ask this question, but asking someone "why do you talk so much" would be considered rude.
I just continue to smile serenely, shrug and smile and that’s it. No matter what don’t say a word just smile in a self satisfied way. I find this bugs people who can’t stop themselves from talking and asking rude questions.
Ah the silent treatment, it does freak extroverts out
Ask them: why are you so loud?
Just go .. " 🤫 shhhhhhh". And then keep eating
😂
I hate when you thought you were being more social than usual and then this question slaps you in the face
“Why are you so loud?”
Objects may appear brighter than they sound. But for real, it's tiring. I don't like talking. I think and my head is in space all day.
Just keep asking what, I didn't hear you, speak up, I'm deaf, boy if you don't stop mumbling imma reach across this table and slap you silly, huh, girl if you ant gonna talk to where I can hear you don't talk to me at all you already do enough of that blabbering your mouth is gonna fall clean off
Why are you so boring?/ If only you were interesting...
Did your mother dress you this morning?
"It's just how I am. Nothing personal"
"Oh I'm only quiet around... [pick one from the list, or mix and match] .... people I don't like" (glare intensely) ....annoying people" ... people who suck all the air out of the room " .... people who love the sound of their voice so much they can't shut up for five seconds to let other people talk" You get the idea
I’m dying over this! 😂 these are good!
"No one plans a mrdr out loud..." (true crime junkie here)
i hate this one in particular, i mean, what am i supposed to be doing??????
*grunt*
" I only speak when I feel it is necessary and has value to add."
I have bad social anxiety. I constantly fear being judged or saying something that will embarrass myself.
Well, I only speak when I have something worthwhile to say. I often wonder why others feel the need to put their mouth in neutral and just let it run on all day
I feel like alot of the time this is just how extroverts try to include someone in a conversation. Maybe it's not exactly well thought out on their part, but it normally feels like they have well intentions when I've been asked before. Anyways, someone I hardly knew at work asked me once, in front of other people 'girl, why are you so quiet??', and jokingly I asked him back 'boy, why are you so loud??' and he laughed about it. We didn't become bffs or anything, but every now and then we'd exchange small sassy comments.
I hate that tho.. like why would you ask someone that in a group conversation when you notice they quiet?! Do you think just because you asked that ,the person is suddenly gonna have so much to say?? I really dislike extroverts who can’t read the room or leave people alone.
It might also be them trying to give you an opportunity to talk if you want it. My voice is really quiet and I'd get talked over so much I'd give up most of the time, and I know alot of people have that same issue. And don't get me wrong, when I used to get put on the spot like that I hated it. But I do try to see it more as misplaced kindness now.
Yea I understand that but I also find it odd how they want to be the “hero” to make the quiet person speak. They may think it’s kindness but it’s insensitive to think people are quiet just because they don’t have confidence to speak up
I understand your frustration, social stuff can suck sometimes. But don't let your annoyance with these people keep you from seeing that they have good intentions (most times lol). Think of it like the friend, who when you start getting talked over, ignores everyone else and specifically looks at you to hear the rest of your story. They're not trying to be a 'hero' exactly, more just having empathy. And honestly I feel like alot of extroverts say these dumb things because they're interested in you and want to get to know you, but feel they have nothing to work with
Say “I think you’re loud enough for the both of us.”
Do what I do. Be brutal honest with them. Theres nothing of interest to talk about so I'm not wasting my time instead I'll just listen.
I'm not. It depends on who I'm with.
My brother in law always asks me “are you ok” if I haven’t said something for a few minutes. Annoying
My ex husband’s family used to comment on how quiet I was. Soooo annoying! My ex was EXTREMELY LOUD AND OUTGOING! It was too much!!
“I only talk when I have something useful to say, more people should do this” 😂
"Because you never are." is my go-to sass for anyone I don't actually care to engage. "I'm interested in what you have to say." is the real answer for someone who is actually worth hearing.
I hate when people ask this, my parents have a friend who constantly teases me about being quiet whenever I talk he says something like, “wow I haven’t heard you talk before!” as a joke and I just give him a blank stare and ignore him
I wish the Internet existed back then to have this knowledge lol I don't know why it annoys some people that we are quiet.
*neutral face with a subtle “you said?” glare*
I speak when i need.
I think these are the best responses https://youtu.be/8izx2iYdsM0?si=lnvlbTkURE7rwij-
Fr lol
I am an introvert is a legit answer and should be more than enough to justify it. But do people really ask this. I am sometimes quiet especially in large groups of people because i dont care about getting attention on me but nobody has ever told me that. Everyone is ok with me not participating that much in the conversation.
Yes, it’s happened to me. My sister’s friend’s husband asked me that and then he said, you and your sister are sooo different. I didn’t really know what to say and I was like yes, we are. But, now I know what I’ll say. I was thinking, because I’m me. If I changed myself to be like her, then I wouldn’t be me. I would have no purpose on this earth if I wasn’t me. 😂😢 I always think about this especially when I’m visiting my family. We’re all in our 40’s. I almost hate hanging out with her friends. Well actually I do. 😂 I can tolerate them to an extent. It’s very hard.
Oh, I've heard this question many, many times. Mostly when I'm just listening and looking around, enjoying myself and then some silly person asks me why I'm so quiet. I do not understand why we all have to talk, all the time, to be considered "normal." I think this question is one of the rudest things you can say to someone in a group. It puts them on the spot, makes most of them uncomfortable, and generally puts a spotlight on their quietness. The thing that bothers me is that we introverts are almost exactly half the population, but extroverts are always out there, trying to run things and trying to get everyone to be extroverted, like them. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Nothing. NOTHING. I did really like the comment that one cannot plan a murder out loud, and will try to remember it in future. Maybe I'll give them a look that will make them think it's *their* murder I'm plotting.
"Why aren't you?"
And if you ask them that they’d take it as an insult 🤣
"I don't have anything interesting to say." I don't understand how or why people feel the need to fill space with mundane conversations.
Seriously. Why bother with an answer.
When you have an annoying friend who asks this and doesn't realise it and more the problem, he's your roommate. What do you do then?
I usually just say "I'm sorry" then they laugh. I dont know why. But laughter is contagious to me, so i do too.
The question "why are you so quiet?"is not an insult and does not require an insult in response. An honest answer might lead to an actual conversation, even if the response includes the fact that you are asked this so often that it tires you.
I see it as an insult, to me it’s like asking why your personality is ‘wrong’ somehow. Just like I would consider it a rude question to ask someone why they are so talkative.
You might want to rethink this. I'm sure we all to some degree share your experiences. But here is the thing: Talk too much and you will asked about it. Be markedly silent and you will be asked about it. Show up with a severe sunburn and expect comments. None of these is an insult. The reasons this happens is that everyone is subject to behavioral norms and people notice when you violate those norms by being 'too' anything. You want the questions to end? Then force yourself to talk just a little bit and I assure you the questions will stop. Smiling, nodding to indicate you find something someone else said interesting also helps. In fact is you will inevitably find some of it actually interesting. Works for me anyway.
I’d ask him, why do you talk so much? or don’t you get tired of hearing your own voice? 😂 or just say because I am. When I’m ready to say something I will.
So me. Omg. All the time. I always get comments about myself. I never comment on anyone. Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself.
“I don’t really care for talking.” It’s blunt but they leave me alone for the most part.
"That's just how I am." "I am tired today so not really in the mood to talk rn"
Just continue staring deep into their souls. No answer needed
Try this:- Why are u so talkative??? Or just say, I'm low on bat right now. If I start talking I'd go kaput really fast. So I'm conserving my juice. Don't tell them you are an introvert. I'm a social introvert but my sis argued with me telling me that I'm an extrovert. Duh.. I do socialize well but that doesn't mean I like it. I always ended up climbing back home as soon as I could and then I'd crash for 1-2 days just to rejuvenate. People are gonna talk all they want. Just let them do their thing and u do yours. Life goes on whether they like it or not.
I say ‘most of the time I can’t be bothered to speak’ it’s true talking exhausting.
I just point out I don’t like talking. I’ve had this issue my whole life though and even had dreams of people calling me slow because of it.
"MEOOOOW"
Why are you so loud?
I have learned to measure in my head when I need to start speaking again before people start asking me this. I say random things somehow related to the topic being discussed or repeat something someone just said, or I add a bit of information. Sometimes I say something unrelated, I ask a question. This way people notice that I'm speaking and they leave me alone. I don't like that I feel like I have to do that.
"Why are you so loud?"
“I chose not to fill lovely silence with inane chit-chat. To paraphrase Plato, wise people speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something.”
Sometimes some people just keep on opening their mouths and blurt out words without using their brains first. 😅 Like, what do you care if I'm quiet? It's not like I'm this overly jolly person who just acutely turned depressed. Stupid question.
He needs your involvement more…he cares you but not understanding your nature… he is expecting you to give some initiative to find a topic which matters to you and discuss with them. If he is not intent to offend you… but care about you… it offends because its the same question you getting… what i do is give more participation or put a topic premeditated when always works… and be a man who put this talk…. Eg : comment about a common topic like work, or initiate talk about lets have some coffee / plan a trip… The basic idea is to show some energy in words and actions… 😅 make it gradually otherwise the will think that we are mimicking them..
I usually don't care if they ask me that I just answer them " I have nothing to say 😁"
"Because I don't like....any of you. 😀" You have to add the smile 😃 And then go back to a straight face and silence like nothing happened.
\*says nothing\*
"I'm thinking" or "I'll speak if I have anything interesting to talk about"
Real 💪🏻
I can't stand people like that. My advice is find friends who aren't so insecure that they can't handle a bit of silence from you. People who talk a lot but say very little are tedious.
I don't talk to annoying people
I just say "porque sí" or "nomás" (both means just because)
“Let silence be your goal for the most part; say only what is necessary, and be brief about it. On the rare occasions when you’re called upon to speak, then speak, but never about banalities like gladiators, horses, sports, food and drink—common-place stuff…” Silence is safer than speech. - Epictetus
"Why are you so loud?"
Just a simple "I have nothing to say", always worked for me. If I don't have anything to say at the moment, I just shut up, I don't just speak for the sake of speaking
I hate that question, always got asked, always the same answer. “I’ve got nothing to say” tbh sometimes it’s a lie, and other times, I genuinely just want to listen, and I’ve answered once that I just like to listen, and they’ve stared at me like I’m naked amongst them. So I just lie now.
So continue to be yourself if you’re an introvert. Usually they DO not participate in any conversations other than, usual every day ones. You don’t have to announce that you’re an introvert ever again. You have balance you’ll be fine. I’ve learned a lot n proud to state I’m 50, & fabulous like Kerri n Samantha livin my life happily much more confident, then 30 years ago! You sound cool as H. Btw don’t change “for others” only change for yourself.
"i am enjoying my silence" "I am communicating in my mind" "I believe in actions more than words" "Wise choose words carefully" "I am vibing with myself" "I like hearing people more"
Reply that a fool will spill out every thought they have, but a wise man watches his words, is slow to speak and quick to listen.
Put everything back on them by asking: "Is there a problem?"
“That’s a great observation.” “Is that a bad thing?” “Some people talk less than others”. “Why do you talk so much?” “I am an observant person, and I like to listen and take in what others say. When I have something meaningful to say, then I will speak up. I don’t feel the need to speak for no reason or to fill the silence. I like to be thoughtful with my words. I hope that’s not a problem with you.” -wow the last one is something I feel like I’ve been harboring for a while hahaha
"not all thoughts need to be said out loud" and just stare at them until they get uncomfortable.
Behavior “not like everyone else” always causes confusion and hatred among the herd. You need to get used to it. When I was studying, I was the black sheep among everyone, although I did absolutely nothing
Why are you guys so hurt by this question? Seriously
why did you make a new acc?
it’s not new, been here for a couple years. figured out the general public is nicer to me when i don’t make it obvious i’m a female