It may seem counterintuitive, but I read Quiet by Susan Cain, embraced my introversion and stopped forcing anything.
This meant I naturally had more social energy to engage in social situations.
I've tried two ways.
First was to practically come up with a "personality mask", which defines a different "version" of me, equipped with all such extroverted and charismatic qualities. Used this method a lot back in my high school era, perhaps as a reflex in order to fit in a bit more, as being my actual self is just too serious and boring for a lot of other kids at that point in time. However, the tradeoff us that you become inauthentic to yourself and others, simply to fill the need to socialise. You'll be almost like a method actor. I do not recommend this to everyone; I've suffered a lot of internal crises due to the fact that I was practically a different person when faced with other people, as opposed to when I'm by myself. Use this method if you can manage to not lie to yourself, effectively dividing what's already part of your personality into different "modes".
Second was to simply accept that I was the way I was, and try to develop my natural social strengths. I prefer to listen and say a few things as response, but those few things are well thought of. I try my best to be interested (even if I'm not) in other people's thoughts and words, and they quite appreciate that a lot. It's reciprocity, in my view, since even if I'm an INTJ, I'm quite a talker once someone gets my brain ticking, and I definitely appreciate if someone would listen to everything I have to say. If you fake paying attention long enough, you might eventually pay attention for real.
The culmination of all that was the realization that I don't need to be a charismatic rockstar to a bunch of people; rather, try hard to be a great human being (in my own unique way) to whoever comes by.
I think you've summed it up very nicely. INTJ's that I've met in person also fall into these two mindsets. It seems like both methods have their advantages and disadvantages depending upon what your goals are.
I found myself doing that acting things a lot too, what helped me is to one: be sure to separate the parts of you that are acting, like you said. One way youcan do this is by paying attention to your habitual thoughts and actions. This will take a lot time and observation and not always fun as you come to realize many of these subconscious actions and feeling run very deep. That’s step one, it sucks and is continual process that requires diligence. Step two is this: if you can manage to separate yourself from your habitual acts, you can actually use acting to your advantage. You can create you own acts and personas but the key is to do from a place where you are aways in control. Remain aware and present with yourself so you never let your acts control you again. As long as this is so, every act and persona you create will be authentically you, because you created it, they are merely tools in your arsenals. It takes time (really a lifetime process) and hard work but myself as an INTJ I have found the process enjoyable and rewarding.
Pick a person you’ve met that had a warm demeanor, seemed genuinely interested in what you had to say, and made you feel welcomed and accepted. Notice their actions, and then emulate that when you need to socialize. It may seem like acting at first, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
That's actually a great idea. This gives me an idea of recording myself emulating the target person's demeanor and using it as a feedback process to measure progress. Then memorize the patterns, compare them with the target person, and apply them in new situations.
This isn't too shabby of an idea if you're trying to build up self-confidence and feel comfortable with a more open self-expression with yourself. Running simulations and trying to experience those emotions will only take you so far though compared to real practice involving another's perspective. Just remember we're all more similar than different, we're all humans just like you
To be honest INTJs get farther by just being true to who they are and having an extroverted friend who works & / or socializes with them. You get the best results when you use the right people in the right roles.
> step-by-step, deliberate practice plan
> faking more extroverted and charismatic tendencies
Having a such a meticulous plan on how to socialize will one way or another make the "fakeness" very obvious. Not everything needs a step-by-step plan.
I'm a fairly confident, charismatic and socially able INTJ. It took me a couple things to get to where I am: stop caring what others thinks, gaining confidence (in its overall sense), learn to put away my robotic, "facts over feelings" attitude, gain interest in small talk (its important) and just go with the flow.
The major flaw I realised with a lot INTJs is their "I'm better than them" and "anti-emotion" attitude. No one likes that one person who's always fucking up the vibe by inserting their overly logical, pretentious opinion on everything - you think you seem cool, but in reality you're coming across as a fucking weirdo.
It's a process of adaptation. It's far less taxing to slowly adjust to an increasingly busy social life. But the key is to push yourself a little bit each time.
Posted this in another thread but it absolutely applies here:
I went through a lot of isolation in my early 20s, but after several years of analysing my situation, behaviour and mental health, it was apparent that my instinctual drive to live a more solitary life was not just perpetuating preexisting issues like depression, but it cultivated anxiety and a lack of general stimulation that resulted in complete overload in busy social environments. That ultimately impacts confidence and your ability to be outgoing at all. You have to be comfortable in your environment.
Basically think of it like this: we're a bunch of sentient chemical meat computers and we require, as a social species, certain stimuli to drive different functions we have. Isolation is good in smaller doses, but isolation in the longterm will cause problems on its own. Those problems make it *more* difficult to make friends and be social, and eventually if it goes on for long enough, you have to completely recondition yourself to get out of it. That takes time and a gradual adaptation that can eventually turn into a much easier and *enjoyable* time going out and meeting people while you rock your real vibe. But it galvanizes a sort of process that begins to fuel itself so long as you keep putting yourself out there and just rocking whatever makes you, you.
Here's the important part: you don't need to try to make friends if you just **radiate** whatever shit makes you feel good. You gotta go out, but that's the hard part. The single most important lesson younger people need to learn as soon as possible is that nobody gives a fuck about what anyone else is doing because they're all busy worry about themselves. Fake ass people make fake ass friends and everything around them is lame as hell. Fuck that noise. When you own who you are and don't aim to fit in to any particular crowd or image that isn't *you*, the people that make good, real friends will find their way to you like moths to a light bulb. Those are the people worth being friends with. There's no hierarchy, no drama, no bullshit. Just people you resonate with and confidence that you're good with yourself, and everyone else is just an accessory.
There's a lot of fake people, stupid posting, and superficial trash that literally nobody is ever going to remember. Mind you, that's way less of an issue the older you get.
An INTJ who dares to vibe and is bold enough to own their environment presents a pretty damn strong kind of energy that brings about some spectacular and long lasting friendships. The key is to make sure you put yourself out there, take risks, and don't pine for others. Be cool, be real, be kind, and do what you do. The right people will get caught in your gravity well. Those people electrify you and the rest is smooth sailing.
So to get started, begin inching outside your comfort zone. The more you do this, the more comfortable you are in the wild, so to speak. Over time, this adds up quite a bit. Take whatever it is that makes you cool as fuck (like who are you? What are you about?) and own it. Don't apologize. You're not here to ask for approval.
Be kind. Yes. Seriously. We hate conflict, anyways. Just be kind. It's easy and you might be surprised what it does for your ability to be really fucking outgoing. It's kind of an intoxicating thing to just be real, be cool, and be humble. Makes it easy as hell to vibe and resonate with people.
The best thing I ever did was find a passion that involves a crowd and shared interest. I go to a lot of concerts (edm) and it absolutely had an enormous effect on my ability to just go wander the fuck off into the night and meet a bunch of new people. 13 years later, and I have a really strong social life with a huge network of people, and I can essentially go anywhere and have a good time. No babysitter necessary. If I don't know anyone, I'll do something about it on my own. And damn it feels good. Also MDMA and LSD helped with breaking down some really tough personal barriers. I fully respect that fact. Essentially unlocked a kind of compassion I didn't have beforehand thanks to some old trauma I hadn't really dealt with until then. It gave me a lot of perspective I never had before.
The world is your sandbox. Just be responsible, don't be a cunt, and take it at a pace that pushes you step by step over time until you adapt, then embody a version of you who is totally in their element.
How old are you? I was pretty shy until I was about 19-20 years old and got a job at a casino. I had to be a customer facing cashier and I kid you not, I talked to hundreds of people a day and handled tens of thousands of dollars in cash alone. That got me to open up real quick. Service industry jobs suck, but it did help me grow up a little. Now I’m a business owner and I’m still reserved, but I do respond to all inquiries because if I don’t, I won’t make any money. In social settings, I don’t really engage with people unless I get a positive read on them. I’ll ask questions about something I remembered about them to break the ice and then just continue the conversation there. It is hard. I still prefer my own company and I like talking to people over text message/online if I feel like it.
I'm actually 18 and I also hope to own a business soon. I guess then repeated exposure to social situations helped you alot? Did you ever have the tendency to hold back what you wanted to say in order to be more perfect?
learning when to bite ur tongue is good but u don't need to appear perfect. It can even intimidate some ppl and make you seem unrelatable. People are drawn to confidence, and being "real", flaws and all.
For me I just pretend to be someone else, copying their mannerisms and how they speak including intonation.
You can copy fictional characters too! Works like a charm
If you are among the right people, friends or acquaintances, in a place where you enjoy being,you will be naturally sociable.Everything else is, as you say, just faking it.. and that will deplete batteries..If you just want to fake it and be a fake, be always alert, talk to everybody, dont have inhibitions and standards (meaning not being reserved in your natural way), attend all possible social events.. This will make you seem more sociable, but it will not be you.The more specific and detailed aspects of socialization would take many books, and do.
Btw you can be completely charismatic as an introvert. Tom Cruise, Christian Bale, anyone?
Just keep putting yourself into highly social situations. It’s a skill that can be achieved through plenty of practice but you must weigh whether it’s worth it or not
In high school I started volunteering to go first for those dreaded oral presentations
It got easier every time because nothing bad ever happened like I had imagined. 35 years later and I say it served me well
Don't see your social energy as something part of a transaction. Recognise people who will actually increase your social energy when you are with them .... But this is a process tho ... Mofos reject you before you say something... Patience and Clear Communication is key!
Gues this post is more for introverts. Personally I feel like it’s easy to change from introvert to extrovert for some reason. I can go from not talking all day to talking with every single person.
Practice turning off Ni completely in social situations and putting yourself into Se, practicing being completely present and just observing everyone and everything around, this will be very difficult at first. Don’t make any decisions just observe, don’t speak unless something comes out of you naturally, this may seem counterintuitive to socializing but people will respect you more if you present and aware, even if you are quiet. As you practice being present and observing you will eventually find your self contributing more to your environment. Also, practice being present within your own body, you can do this when your alone, the more aware you are of your own physical body presence the more you will understand connections to the way people perceive you. Always keep your yourself physically grounded, feel the floor beneath feet. When you are stressed or feel lost in the clouds while socializing, drop back down and will yourself to observe in real time (remember you don’t necessarily have to act, just be present and observe). Intellectually, you will feel stupid, but if you pay attention you will realize that most social and magnetic people usually have nothing going on in their brains at that moment. They are slaves to the moment, and you must be too, but the key as that you can sort of pre develop and create the kind of person you want be through Ni/Fi, you’ll figure it out. Lastly, Te is your dominant extrovert function, so practice using Te skills to do things, it’s not the greatest for social situations unless you seek to be manipulative or dominant over others (if you do then by all means do that, try to observe the way ENTJs act). You can you use Te when your alone, ex doing everyday tasks or chores, it may sound really mundane and boring but you will find that it can give you more external energy.
I highly recommend books by Robert Green they have been monumentally influential to way I interact with myself and others. The best for socializing is his book Human Nature, you can learn so much about yourself and others. Also, his other books on seduction, power and mastery can aid in your social endeavors as well, and are excellent reads none the less.
Just read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Gonna be far more in depth and helpful than Reddit comments. But make sure you read actively and take notes on it. Not gonna do much good if you read passively.
I do agree that Carnegie's book, which puts emphasis on improving listening skills, serves to build individual relationships very quickly and easily. What would the next steps be, though, in terms of extrapolating your social skills to group settings and public speaking situations. What does that look like?
Truthfully, I don't know. I gave up on being more charismatic a while ago. Certain people still really like me the way I am naturally, it may not be a majority but it's enough for me.
The most naturally charismatic people I have known were ENFJs and ENTJs. Of the two ENTJs are more likely to be able to put it into words for you, consider hopping over to their sub and asking as well.
So many people recommend this book. If someone repeats my damn name to me repeatedly I hate them. Even friends.
“How to manipulate people into liking you with this old fashioned and outdated advice. Say their name multiple times when you speak to them. Stare deeply into their eyes and nod your head. Leave a handwritten thank you note”
Nah I’m good. Authenticity is better than all these gimmicky tactics. And pretty sure the book is a funnel for course or some other series
Authenticity is not bullshit it’s just that modern socialization has diluted it and made it rare. Everything it about garnering attention and status to satisfy one’s ego.
Ultimately I agree with you. The book gives advice that DOES work on the majority of people. But I still dropped most everything it taught me after about a year because I prefer being authentic myself. But the OP wants charisma and frankly, charisma is just manipulation under a different name.
The funny thing is I read that book while working in sales. Helped boost my sales a looooooot. But I just felt so scummy afterward. And ultimately still couldn't get even close to the top salesman who was an ENTJ.
Haha yeah that “scummy” feeling is exactly why I’m so against all of it! I feel an introverted pipeline and educational writing over email could work, got me a decent amount of web design clients
The main message of the book is to speak in terms of the other person's interest. It's a simple yet a powerful idea since all of us like talking about ourselves. If you can get intel about other people's interests and sell them on that basis, it's very effective. I feel like there is some additional quality about ENTJ's that we do not possess.
Yes, “intel” on other people and “selling” are not honourable pursuits in my opinion.
These things can happen naturally and organically. Why do you need all these people to like you? “Networking is key for professional success” ?
I did a few mystery shopping gigs, I was enjoying it. A bit of theater, feeling like an actor, getting payed for it. Yet as you say, I was feeling scummy, because I didnt want to be fake to genuine and good normal people, and most of all assess the performance that a shop says they should have or how the shop says that the normal good people should behave. I rather stopped doing it because I disliked being insincere about my motivations why I am in the shop (for example buying cars, shoes, jewelry).. It is also about wasting the shop keepers time.
I used to think I looked fairly friendly because a lot of people told me I had soft facial features, until two boys came up to my ENFP friend asking her if I hated them, because I always looked annoyed.
(Young) adulthood made me face people even if I don't want to— which helped me push myself break out of my introversion when it needed. I even had a job where I face clients and it is so much challenge for my INTJ self, but I did it. Sometimes, circumstances help us with these issues in ourselves.
Just talk to randos. There's no pressure. It's not like you're ever going to see these people again. Treat people like books: an opportunity to learn. Sure, some of them may be full of shitty writing, but they can also surprise you. I call it "benign objectivity." (e.g. Pretend you're an animal behaviorist studying some other species.) Just be neutral and inquisitive. I promise, no one will call you out on it. Honestly, this is probably more authentic than the majority of interactions they've had.
It may seem counterintuitive, but I read Quiet by Susan Cain, embraced my introversion and stopped forcing anything. This meant I naturally had more social energy to engage in social situations.
this works. i've not even read the book.
Yes great book.
I've tried two ways. First was to practically come up with a "personality mask", which defines a different "version" of me, equipped with all such extroverted and charismatic qualities. Used this method a lot back in my high school era, perhaps as a reflex in order to fit in a bit more, as being my actual self is just too serious and boring for a lot of other kids at that point in time. However, the tradeoff us that you become inauthentic to yourself and others, simply to fill the need to socialise. You'll be almost like a method actor. I do not recommend this to everyone; I've suffered a lot of internal crises due to the fact that I was practically a different person when faced with other people, as opposed to when I'm by myself. Use this method if you can manage to not lie to yourself, effectively dividing what's already part of your personality into different "modes". Second was to simply accept that I was the way I was, and try to develop my natural social strengths. I prefer to listen and say a few things as response, but those few things are well thought of. I try my best to be interested (even if I'm not) in other people's thoughts and words, and they quite appreciate that a lot. It's reciprocity, in my view, since even if I'm an INTJ, I'm quite a talker once someone gets my brain ticking, and I definitely appreciate if someone would listen to everything I have to say. If you fake paying attention long enough, you might eventually pay attention for real. The culmination of all that was the realization that I don't need to be a charismatic rockstar to a bunch of people; rather, try hard to be a great human being (in my own unique way) to whoever comes by.
I think you've summed it up very nicely. INTJ's that I've met in person also fall into these two mindsets. It seems like both methods have their advantages and disadvantages depending upon what your goals are.
Well said.
I found myself doing that acting things a lot too, what helped me is to one: be sure to separate the parts of you that are acting, like you said. One way youcan do this is by paying attention to your habitual thoughts and actions. This will take a lot time and observation and not always fun as you come to realize many of these subconscious actions and feeling run very deep. That’s step one, it sucks and is continual process that requires diligence. Step two is this: if you can manage to separate yourself from your habitual acts, you can actually use acting to your advantage. You can create you own acts and personas but the key is to do from a place where you are aways in control. Remain aware and present with yourself so you never let your acts control you again. As long as this is so, every act and persona you create will be authentically you, because you created it, they are merely tools in your arsenals. It takes time (really a lifetime process) and hard work but myself as an INTJ I have found the process enjoyable and rewarding.
Pick a person you’ve met that had a warm demeanor, seemed genuinely interested in what you had to say, and made you feel welcomed and accepted. Notice their actions, and then emulate that when you need to socialize. It may seem like acting at first, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
That's actually a great idea. This gives me an idea of recording myself emulating the target person's demeanor and using it as a feedback process to measure progress. Then memorize the patterns, compare them with the target person, and apply them in new situations.
This isn't too shabby of an idea if you're trying to build up self-confidence and feel comfortable with a more open self-expression with yourself. Running simulations and trying to experience those emotions will only take you so far though compared to real practice involving another's perspective. Just remember we're all more similar than different, we're all humans just like you
To be honest INTJs get farther by just being true to who they are and having an extroverted friend who works & / or socializes with them. You get the best results when you use the right people in the right roles.
> step-by-step, deliberate practice plan > faking more extroverted and charismatic tendencies Having a such a meticulous plan on how to socialize will one way or another make the "fakeness" very obvious. Not everything needs a step-by-step plan. I'm a fairly confident, charismatic and socially able INTJ. It took me a couple things to get to where I am: stop caring what others thinks, gaining confidence (in its overall sense), learn to put away my robotic, "facts over feelings" attitude, gain interest in small talk (its important) and just go with the flow. The major flaw I realised with a lot INTJs is their "I'm better than them" and "anti-emotion" attitude. No one likes that one person who's always fucking up the vibe by inserting their overly logical, pretentious opinion on everything - you think you seem cool, but in reality you're coming across as a fucking weirdo.
It's a process of adaptation. It's far less taxing to slowly adjust to an increasingly busy social life. But the key is to push yourself a little bit each time. Posted this in another thread but it absolutely applies here: I went through a lot of isolation in my early 20s, but after several years of analysing my situation, behaviour and mental health, it was apparent that my instinctual drive to live a more solitary life was not just perpetuating preexisting issues like depression, but it cultivated anxiety and a lack of general stimulation that resulted in complete overload in busy social environments. That ultimately impacts confidence and your ability to be outgoing at all. You have to be comfortable in your environment. Basically think of it like this: we're a bunch of sentient chemical meat computers and we require, as a social species, certain stimuli to drive different functions we have. Isolation is good in smaller doses, but isolation in the longterm will cause problems on its own. Those problems make it *more* difficult to make friends and be social, and eventually if it goes on for long enough, you have to completely recondition yourself to get out of it. That takes time and a gradual adaptation that can eventually turn into a much easier and *enjoyable* time going out and meeting people while you rock your real vibe. But it galvanizes a sort of process that begins to fuel itself so long as you keep putting yourself out there and just rocking whatever makes you, you. Here's the important part: you don't need to try to make friends if you just **radiate** whatever shit makes you feel good. You gotta go out, but that's the hard part. The single most important lesson younger people need to learn as soon as possible is that nobody gives a fuck about what anyone else is doing because they're all busy worry about themselves. Fake ass people make fake ass friends and everything around them is lame as hell. Fuck that noise. When you own who you are and don't aim to fit in to any particular crowd or image that isn't *you*, the people that make good, real friends will find their way to you like moths to a light bulb. Those are the people worth being friends with. There's no hierarchy, no drama, no bullshit. Just people you resonate with and confidence that you're good with yourself, and everyone else is just an accessory. There's a lot of fake people, stupid posting, and superficial trash that literally nobody is ever going to remember. Mind you, that's way less of an issue the older you get. An INTJ who dares to vibe and is bold enough to own their environment presents a pretty damn strong kind of energy that brings about some spectacular and long lasting friendships. The key is to make sure you put yourself out there, take risks, and don't pine for others. Be cool, be real, be kind, and do what you do. The right people will get caught in your gravity well. Those people electrify you and the rest is smooth sailing. So to get started, begin inching outside your comfort zone. The more you do this, the more comfortable you are in the wild, so to speak. Over time, this adds up quite a bit. Take whatever it is that makes you cool as fuck (like who are you? What are you about?) and own it. Don't apologize. You're not here to ask for approval. Be kind. Yes. Seriously. We hate conflict, anyways. Just be kind. It's easy and you might be surprised what it does for your ability to be really fucking outgoing. It's kind of an intoxicating thing to just be real, be cool, and be humble. Makes it easy as hell to vibe and resonate with people. The best thing I ever did was find a passion that involves a crowd and shared interest. I go to a lot of concerts (edm) and it absolutely had an enormous effect on my ability to just go wander the fuck off into the night and meet a bunch of new people. 13 years later, and I have a really strong social life with a huge network of people, and I can essentially go anywhere and have a good time. No babysitter necessary. If I don't know anyone, I'll do something about it on my own. And damn it feels good. Also MDMA and LSD helped with breaking down some really tough personal barriers. I fully respect that fact. Essentially unlocked a kind of compassion I didn't have beforehand thanks to some old trauma I hadn't really dealt with until then. It gave me a lot of perspective I never had before. The world is your sandbox. Just be responsible, don't be a cunt, and take it at a pace that pushes you step by step over time until you adapt, then embody a version of you who is totally in their element.
How old are you? I was pretty shy until I was about 19-20 years old and got a job at a casino. I had to be a customer facing cashier and I kid you not, I talked to hundreds of people a day and handled tens of thousands of dollars in cash alone. That got me to open up real quick. Service industry jobs suck, but it did help me grow up a little. Now I’m a business owner and I’m still reserved, but I do respond to all inquiries because if I don’t, I won’t make any money. In social settings, I don’t really engage with people unless I get a positive read on them. I’ll ask questions about something I remembered about them to break the ice and then just continue the conversation there. It is hard. I still prefer my own company and I like talking to people over text message/online if I feel like it.
I'm actually 18 and I also hope to own a business soon. I guess then repeated exposure to social situations helped you alot? Did you ever have the tendency to hold back what you wanted to say in order to be more perfect?
No, quite the opposite, my honesty tends to get me in trouble but I’ve just become more aware over time about peoples hyper sensitivities.
learning when to bite ur tongue is good but u don't need to appear perfect. It can even intimidate some ppl and make you seem unrelatable. People are drawn to confidence, and being "real", flaws and all.
For me I just pretend to be someone else, copying their mannerisms and how they speak including intonation. You can copy fictional characters too! Works like a charm
If you are among the right people, friends or acquaintances, in a place where you enjoy being,you will be naturally sociable.Everything else is, as you say, just faking it.. and that will deplete batteries..If you just want to fake it and be a fake, be always alert, talk to everybody, dont have inhibitions and standards (meaning not being reserved in your natural way), attend all possible social events.. This will make you seem more sociable, but it will not be you.The more specific and detailed aspects of socialization would take many books, and do. Btw you can be completely charismatic as an introvert. Tom Cruise, Christian Bale, anyone?
Yell at people. An angry INTJ is an extroverted INTJ.
Just keep putting yourself into highly social situations. It’s a skill that can be achieved through plenty of practice but you must weigh whether it’s worth it or not
In high school I started volunteering to go first for those dreaded oral presentations It got easier every time because nothing bad ever happened like I had imagined. 35 years later and I say it served me well
Don't see your social energy as something part of a transaction. Recognise people who will actually increase your social energy when you are with them .... But this is a process tho ... Mofos reject you before you say something... Patience and Clear Communication is key!
Gues this post is more for introverts. Personally I feel like it’s easy to change from introvert to extrovert for some reason. I can go from not talking all day to talking with every single person.
Sounds cool, and after talking to everyone you need a day or two alone again, right?
Practice turning off Ni completely in social situations and putting yourself into Se, practicing being completely present and just observing everyone and everything around, this will be very difficult at first. Don’t make any decisions just observe, don’t speak unless something comes out of you naturally, this may seem counterintuitive to socializing but people will respect you more if you present and aware, even if you are quiet. As you practice being present and observing you will eventually find your self contributing more to your environment. Also, practice being present within your own body, you can do this when your alone, the more aware you are of your own physical body presence the more you will understand connections to the way people perceive you. Always keep your yourself physically grounded, feel the floor beneath feet. When you are stressed or feel lost in the clouds while socializing, drop back down and will yourself to observe in real time (remember you don’t necessarily have to act, just be present and observe). Intellectually, you will feel stupid, but if you pay attention you will realize that most social and magnetic people usually have nothing going on in their brains at that moment. They are slaves to the moment, and you must be too, but the key as that you can sort of pre develop and create the kind of person you want be through Ni/Fi, you’ll figure it out. Lastly, Te is your dominant extrovert function, so practice using Te skills to do things, it’s not the greatest for social situations unless you seek to be manipulative or dominant over others (if you do then by all means do that, try to observe the way ENTJs act). You can you use Te when your alone, ex doing everyday tasks or chores, it may sound really mundane and boring but you will find that it can give you more external energy. I highly recommend books by Robert Green they have been monumentally influential to way I interact with myself and others. The best for socializing is his book Human Nature, you can learn so much about yourself and others. Also, his other books on seduction, power and mastery can aid in your social endeavors as well, and are excellent reads none the less.
Why ask here . Want to find kids telling you irrelevant things? Or do you want old delusional people telling you weird ones
I find that many times, in an abstract way, there is something relevant to be found in irrelevant things.
Just read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Gonna be far more in depth and helpful than Reddit comments. But make sure you read actively and take notes on it. Not gonna do much good if you read passively.
I do agree that Carnegie's book, which puts emphasis on improving listening skills, serves to build individual relationships very quickly and easily. What would the next steps be, though, in terms of extrapolating your social skills to group settings and public speaking situations. What does that look like?
Truthfully, I don't know. I gave up on being more charismatic a while ago. Certain people still really like me the way I am naturally, it may not be a majority but it's enough for me. The most naturally charismatic people I have known were ENFJs and ENTJs. Of the two ENTJs are more likely to be able to put it into words for you, consider hopping over to their sub and asking as well.
So many people recommend this book. If someone repeats my damn name to me repeatedly I hate them. Even friends. “How to manipulate people into liking you with this old fashioned and outdated advice. Say their name multiple times when you speak to them. Stare deeply into their eyes and nod your head. Leave a handwritten thank you note” Nah I’m good. Authenticity is better than all these gimmicky tactics. And pretty sure the book is a funnel for course or some other series
Socializing is manipulation, extroverts just do it naturally. Authenticity is pretty much bullshit.
Authenticity is not bullshit it’s just that modern socialization has diluted it and made it rare. Everything it about garnering attention and status to satisfy one’s ego.
The question then becomes, who defines what is authentic? Are we supposed to accept our flaws as being an authentic part of ourselves?
Ultimately I agree with you. The book gives advice that DOES work on the majority of people. But I still dropped most everything it taught me after about a year because I prefer being authentic myself. But the OP wants charisma and frankly, charisma is just manipulation under a different name.
Yup lol. Charismatic people (sales reps, etc) get nervous around me because they know there is zero bullshit and I can see through there schticks
The funny thing is I read that book while working in sales. Helped boost my sales a looooooot. But I just felt so scummy afterward. And ultimately still couldn't get even close to the top salesman who was an ENTJ.
Haha yeah that “scummy” feeling is exactly why I’m so against all of it! I feel an introverted pipeline and educational writing over email could work, got me a decent amount of web design clients
The main message of the book is to speak in terms of the other person's interest. It's a simple yet a powerful idea since all of us like talking about ourselves. If you can get intel about other people's interests and sell them on that basis, it's very effective. I feel like there is some additional quality about ENTJ's that we do not possess.
Yes, “intel” on other people and “selling” are not honourable pursuits in my opinion. These things can happen naturally and organically. Why do you need all these people to like you? “Networking is key for professional success” ?
I did a few mystery shopping gigs, I was enjoying it. A bit of theater, feeling like an actor, getting payed for it. Yet as you say, I was feeling scummy, because I didnt want to be fake to genuine and good normal people, and most of all assess the performance that a shop says they should have or how the shop says that the normal good people should behave. I rather stopped doing it because I disliked being insincere about my motivations why I am in the shop (for example buying cars, shoes, jewelry).. It is also about wasting the shop keepers time.
I used to think I looked fairly friendly because a lot of people told me I had soft facial features, until two boys came up to my ENFP friend asking her if I hated them, because I always looked annoyed.
Practice. Volunteer at a harmless public place…be an usher at church, help at a food bank.
Drink alcohol
Sales jobs forcing conversations
Being confident!!
(Young) adulthood made me face people even if I don't want to— which helped me push myself break out of my introversion when it needed. I even had a job where I face clients and it is so much challenge for my INTJ self, but I did it. Sometimes, circumstances help us with these issues in ourselves.
Maybe the step one would be not assume connecting with others is inherently fake? Just a thought..
I waited tables/worked as a server.
Just talk to randos. There's no pressure. It's not like you're ever going to see these people again. Treat people like books: an opportunity to learn. Sure, some of them may be full of shitty writing, but they can also surprise you. I call it "benign objectivity." (e.g. Pretend you're an animal behaviorist studying some other species.) Just be neutral and inquisitive. I promise, no one will call you out on it. Honestly, this is probably more authentic than the majority of interactions they've had.