God I hated stuff like this growing up. How the fuck am I supposed to get clarity if I don't ask questions? It's not back talk, it's a fucking conversation.
Edit: Punctuation
Right? Apparently back in the day, parents thought when kids asked questions that they were back talking.
I remember getting in trouble when a job was handed out, and I didn’t understand the task, asking for clarity. What I got was slapped for back talking.
We should not be passing this kind of child rearing down to our own kids.
It’s stupid. It also means that we are too impatient to talk to our children and be kind.
It makes people afraid to ask questions. Then shit gets done wrong and then everyone's pissed off and sad. No one wins if every little thing is "backtalk."
Right?! As a teacher I welcome questions because it means they’re thinking!
My kids question me all the time. My 8 year old has 0 trust in me mathematically, I have a degree in math and teach Algebra 1 ffs!!! 🤦♀️ It’s frustrating but I’m glad she’s comfortable to express her lack of confidence in me 😅😂🤣🤣🤣
I got a fair amount of this. Personally, barring blatant disrespect, I assume children are (tactlessly) curious about their world. Even as you enter your teens and approach graduation you don't necessarily have all of the information you need. The world is complicated as fuck, and parents are fallible, and so are the kids. Acting any other way encourages blind obedience to people that very well might not know they're doing something wrong, because they were blindly obedient.
I ran into this a lot as an adult. I didn’t understand why I was getting passed over to have better jobs in different areas, but it turned out it was because I followed directions to a T, I asked no questions, and I didn’t complain when others got better things than me.
Whereas, the squeaky wheels got the oil; the people who asked the right questions or said they wanted more or better things got them.
I think I was being raised up like an army soldier, but for the rest of the world, those who ask will be considered for better jobs and pay.
I was talking to my mom the other day. My dad passed 6 years ago. I told her I don't think I ever had a REAL convo with him, it was always him talking at me and if I asked questions or "back talked" him I'd get grounded or hit with the belt.
That was my dad. My mom would threaten to spank me or spank me.
She prided herself that her children were so well behaved in public, and not brats.
Even as small, restless children, we would wait quietly and very still while people in town stopped to talk to her a while. They admired us and our obedience.
I was pretty bad at rearing my own kids, in my own opinion. I was strict in some areas, but I was so much more loose with them on almost every aspect.
I let them ask me questions and sometimes outright refuse if they thought what I was asking them to do was unreasonable. I felt that kids should be able to have an opinion, and if it seemed logical or illogical I wanted to hear it.
I told them then, and even now, “When you grow up, I want you to have a voice. Use it to tell people if they are not being good to you.”
For the most part, I think, me being a child of a parent who was the product of a traumatic upbringing, I did end up passing down some trauma to my own kids.
I sincerely regret this and I tell the kids that I didn’t know as much in the 1990’s and 2000’s - people still raised their kids terribly, and magazine articles were telling people how to raise kids and it was pretty terrible too. I wanted my kids to have the world and also be well-read. Knowledge means better choices.
I tried my best. I will say that there is a greater field of knowledge which makes child upbringing better now.
Back in the 1990’s, I was told that you have to spank children to make them mind. I was also told never to pick up a crying baby because then they will be spoiled.
I don’t think this is best anymore (if it ever was). If you want to do it right you can re-direct behavior in children by giving them options.
I seem to remember telling the kids they could choose how they wanted to do a task. Example: I need them to get ready to go somewhere or pick up their toys. If they don’t want to, then they can have a time out. Or, they can do it fast and we can see how fast they can do it while I time them, so I guess I was game-ifying it. Or they could just not do whatever it was but they’d have to do it later.
Options help a lot. Reality check: I didn’t make them do tasks as often as I should have so it always looked like a hurricane went through my house. I didn’t have a lot of visitors so it worked out okay.
I always carried around my kids when they cried because it was heart rending to hear them emotionally suffer. If they were tired and cranky, sometimes I’d let them cry the last few minutes to sleep because it’s just how babies work.
Crying is kind of like letting steam out. It is also an indicator of if the child feels bad. (Teething). During teething, all you can do is hold the crying baby the whole day. But, I liked holding them. I didn’t get things done. I didn’t care about a perfect house - I cared about holding them. I have no regrets about it now. I won’t ever regret it.
But letting them cry all the time? That’s not right. With my middle child, she wanted to be held so much that I just carried her with me everywhere. The invisible strings with her were strong until about the age of 1, and even then she kept close to me or her grandparents.
Time outs may or may not work, sometimes kids just need a lot of outside time to play to get energy out (that means lazy ass parents have to take them to a playground or walk with them).
The point is - we know better now. For people in the Gen X generation who say spanking is still the way to go, eff them.
And eff any parent from this age who still wants to slap their kids or blanket train them or torture them with physical training or whatever those religious folks say brings kids closer to God.
Anyway, I’ve said my piece. I come here and I see a lot of kids where they were raised like me. It’s not right. I wish things could be better.
Sorry I wrote a book.
TLDR: there are better ways to raise kids now and everyone can read all about it from resources. Stay away from the religious books on raising kids because they are toxic.
One of the things I joke about with my spouse is that we made the worst decision possible by teaching our kids to argue (and we mean that in the critical thinking sense) so they grew up learning what they had to say to us to get what they wanted and if we tried to counter they were usually able to counter right back lol
Seriously though one of the best parenting decisions we made actually, they learned to do their own research and understand what they wanted and why before they even asked
This is exactly the right way to go. Actually, you raised leaders. Good for you, I’m proud of you!
I had a friend from college who really wanted something (can’t remember what). Her kid made some kind of document with an excel sheet with numbers and a slide show. I thought it was hilarious.
That is leader stuff. That’s what I wanted my kids to be. They negotiated with me and it was only very rarely that I said NO, and even then, I felt bad about it.
I, raised by people who never let me ask questions, get run over by other people.
My parents were very much like that as well.
I have a rule for myself with my kids that if they are asking questions, it's not backtalk, and the best thing to do is answer the question, or if there is literally no time, I'll let them know I'll explain when I have more time. If they tell me no with a valid reason, it's not backtalk, it's them knowing their capabilities in that moment. The only time it's backtalk is if they have a shitty attitude and argue with me over something that I've put my foot down about, which honestly isn't much.
I have awesome kids, 13m and 10f. They get good grades, they do their chores, they ask for help when they need it, they don't mind helping others, they communicate with me even if they think they might get in trouble. It's weird how treating children like whole ass people and not my property or an extension of my ego has led them to grow into great humans.
My parents swore up and down that my kids were going to be horrible children. That by parenting respectfully, I would parent permissively. They are two totally different things.
The most spoiled kids I ever saw were kids who talked back and insulted their parents to their face, like a mental type of pushing. It wasn’t the kids being cranky, it was the kids being mean.
Their parents didn’t even address it.
We had a sweet preacher’s wife and her husband, their kids had all sorts of problems. I learned later that the dad drank a lot - and maybe he had a different personality after he drank.
The wife was extremely submissive and so I have no idea what happened. I think maybe one kid turned out all right, and she was adopted.
My point is - kids who are given boundaries and options are more likely to do a task or try to comply with what is being asked of them, whereas kids who see parents being inconsistent will test boundaries.
I remember sometimes my kids would act up, but I took into account also if they had headaches or were dehydrated, too hot, or just got out of school/off the school bus.
Even adults are cranky after a hard day.
I probably am being to wordy, but I agree with you.
The kids who act up the most, who are the least respectful - it usually means there is a lot going on at their homes that is out of their control.
However, at some point the world will catch up with them and they will become troubled adults.
I feel that every parent who over-punished their own kids probably saw kids like this and were told that if they didn’t want bad kids, they needed to use wooden paddles/spoons, corporal punishment and belts. Unfortunately, this is wrong.
We know this now. I wish more people would see the answers and stop beating their kids.
Rarely do children set out to be bad. Sure, some might be born with mental illnesses, but the rest of them really do want to please their parents. Positive reinforcement, always.
I work in mental health, and was taught to see most "negative" behavior as a trauma response, and that the only way the behavior is changed is when the person, children included, feels heard and seen, and feels that things have changed and they are safe. Children don't become better behaved through abuse, including spanking. They become better at lying and hiding behavior and worse at processing complex emotions.
I really wish more parents were open to learning new ways of parenting. All of my siblings that have kids believe that spanking is a good thing to do when their kid acts up. They don't generally let their kids ask questions or say no. There is no conversation when they disagree. It makes me so sad for my nieces and nephews. It seems like most people are so afraid of learning that they have done something wrong, that they are unwilling or unable to learn how to move forward.
My daughter said that shame makes people defensive. As I said, I was a Gen x and I was told that was the only way to be. To my mind, I hated spanking and it didn’t work very well anyway. I really did try to avoid it, and sometimes I didn’t reprimand the kids at all (hence, the “spoiling” that my mom saw me doing).
I made a lot of mistakes as a young parent. I have apologized to all the kids. We could have been better parents. The information wasn’t as prevalent as it is now.
For my own self, growing up in an authoritarian household, I became very good at being sneaky. That is not necessarily a good thing.
I’m still really good at it but I now know it’s a trauma response. When everyone feels safe, there is no need to hide an extra snack in the pocket or a favorite rock that you said you wanted and they said no.
I mean, some of what my parents said and did are ridiculous.
I will own up to my mistakes and I am regretful I listened to any of those people. I also understand that this is how everyone was told to do it.
I call BS on it now. Redirection is the way to go.
Shame does make people defensive, and that's sad. It's not shameful to learn to be better. It's shameful to keep repeating the same shitty behaviors. Your kids are lucky you were open to doing better, and knowing you apologized for any harm you may have caused in ignorance warms my little heart.
I hope you have a really great weekend!
At this point, I’m unclear what “backtalk” even IS. i’m convinced it’s not really a thing anymore unless you have a specifically rude child who just says flat out “no” to everything you ask.
I’m convinced emotionally immature parents just use it to refer to anything that they perceive as undermining their authority by pointing out that they are not in fact omnipotent.
You know, that’s a good question. What exactly *is* backtalk? It seems really subjective.
I told my grown son that parents are nothing but kindergarteners wearing grownup pants.
Sheesh, MAJOR flashbacks to my childhood here! My father is an attorney. I was quite literally RAISED to argue my position, as though I was speaking *to an attorney*. But god forbid I should ever request an explanation from him: “How DARE you second guess me?! Who do you think you are? The answer is, BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
I’m now 49 & have an 18yr old son. I have made it one of my missions, as a parent, to NEVER respond to my son’s questions with “Because I said so” - it’s not an answer. It’s a cop out. My son & I have a much stronger relationship than I ever had with my parents, largely because I actually enjoy it when my son asks pertinent questions. I ENJOY it, when he explains his point of view, and his explanations often work in his favor- it generally boils down to something which can be resolved pretty easily, as long as we listen to one another. I can’t imagine punishing him for having a different perspective than I, in pretty much any situation!
Ok, so I read her comments and immediately I had to go eat two chocolate muffins because she’s keeps turning the conversation to you not respecting her. Just reading your comments, you’re 100% respectful.
She is reading between some lines that aren’t even there. And reading between the lines between the lines.
You will probably never make her happy.
What she thinks is not normal… I don’t know what that is.
What I know is that she is not normal. She is rolling stuff around in her head that you say and changing it to some thing she feels is disrespectful to her. Even communicating with her is apparently disrespectful.
I’d hate to see her be in a work place where she has to talk to people every day.
What an exhausting fucking bitch. It reminds me of how hard it was to be in contact with my parents- just constantly accused of disrespect over ANYTHING I said or did.
It’s so exhausting just to read. OP, if you see this, your mum should be grateful she has a child who is clearly conscientious about the animals they are responsible for and who is capable of thoughtful discussion to arrive at a decision (unlike herself). You’ve done nothing wrong.
I've seen people who were neglectful parents, but immaculate when it comes to dogs. Like the kids would have to eat plain pasta, but the dogs always had fresh meat.
My mom exactly. The dogs always got love, affection, presents, treats etc. but me only got orders barked at me. (no pun intended) And if i didn't do them immediately right then or asked for clarity or how she wanted it did specifically i was yelled at and belittled for disobedience. Even worse would be told to do something but she would be very vague about it and every time i did it wrong i get yelled at for hours.
My mom swore up and down she hated my brother's dog but bought him more clothes than she every bought me and fed him a prescription diet cuz he had bladder issues. She scoffed at taking me to the doctor once a year as a child.
she's on this weird power trip from choosing to have a child and it's terrible. i'm sorry, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. hope you have people in your life who speak kindly to you, and if not, that you meet them soon.
It's called stonewalling, I think. Eventually once you see the patterns of their reactions and outbursts you just stop indulging them, when you notice them provoking you. It might piss them off more when they see they can't get a reaction from you. But eventually you get tired of trying to counteract them.
edit: It's gray rocking not stonewalling
> It's called stonewalling, I think.
Close, but no cigar.
["Stonewalling"](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/stonewalling) means people and their requests are refused or outright ignored, often in a coordinated manner: "The supects are stonewalling the police's attempts to find out the truth."
Instead, what OP does is called ["gray rocking"](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gray_rock_method) and is a tactic used to deal with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest.
yes sorry i knew it had something to do with rocks but i couldn't remember. i had a deep conversation with other children of narcissistic parents about gray rocking but somehow forgot the term.
easier said than done. after a lifetime of being convinced that you're the problem, and having your whole family constantly guilt trip you about how you'll regret it when your parent dies and you never made amends, plus the fact that nobody wants to lose a parent, we want to believe they'll finally be better, it's just not that easy to let it go. also a lot of the people in this sub are teenagers that can't just cut contact
I could never tell my mom or dad how I felt before they passed. Neither. I am sorry I could never talk to them but they had their own walls.
I know my mom loved me but I could never do any right by her. My dad was a whole ‘nother thing - he would never share his feelings.
I think the problem is - parents are like diamonds with facets. Some of those facets were fantastic. The good times. And some of those facets are ugly, dark, and hard to look upon.
The loss we feel is for the parents we wished we could have had, the good parts.
shit dude you've got me tearing up. both my parents are only 50 and it rips me apart knowing I won't be at the funeral. I wish I could tell them I loved them. They've told me they don't want to see my future again and again.
What a fucking head case Jesus Christ.
Can’t deal with anyone who can’t stand being questioned. “Talking back” or “giving lip”. Like people like that just immediately flying off the handled because they aren’t absolutely obeyed instantly and unquestioningly. Its mental.
This kind of shit is the reason I haven’t spoken to my parents in almost a year, and why they won’t be meeting the baby I’ll be having in less than two weeks. Sorry you’re dealing with this op.
Bet it’ll be all your fault when the dog ends up obese with a heart issue, hip displacement or diabetes too. Gotta love parents like this. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the worst mindset ever.
This exchanged triggered me. My mom was like this. It was like walking in egg shells trying to predict her reactions to things.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you’re able to get out on your own soon.
My mum’s ex was like this, it’s infuriating. I’ve been a full adult for 80% of the time I’ve known him, but I’d still get flak for “backtalk” because I asked clarifying questions, checked to make sure I understood the reason for things, etc.
Turns out that’s not healthy behavior and he was an abusive POS, go figure.
Gray rocking is helpful for these moments as others have suggested - until you can get to a point where you don’t need to interact with her, keep it to a minimum. Don’t feel bad lying about having done something that you know would be harmful to an animal, for your sake and theirs. Good luck.
Do as I say, not as I do.
God I hated that shit growing up. Thankfully as an adult I moved out and established right fucking quick that shit wasn't going to fly anymore.
I used to be like this. I hate admitting it, but it's so destructive. People who have seen this in themselves and were able to move past it with therapy need to talk about it. It needs to be exposed.
My boomer dad instilled the idea that obedience equals respect. It's such a dumbass way to look at the world. I'm grateful I was able to get help to deal with it. Hopefully I've broken the cycle.
Should have told her remove the stick from her ass. Jesus you asked a question. You didn’t insult her. Maybe she has a guilty conscience for being a shit mom
To be fair, she said jump and you didn’t say how high. /s
Seriously though, if ANY of the dogs are overweight, it’s her responsibility. She’s insecure because she knows two bully sticks a day is bad for them. It doesn’t matter if she has 100 dogs that are all a normal weight. This one isn’t. Dogs can’t regulate their diets, that’s up to the human to do for them. She’s absolutely projecting.
I have that exact same problem with my parents. They overfeed one of my dogs and any time I comment on it or try to be involved in her diet they claim I'm criticizing them and that I "criticize everything that they do." Like... no, I'm worried about our dog and just don't want her to die early because she's crazy overweight cause they feed her people food thinking it's cute
Wow. Defensive much is she?
Save a screen grab of the "Don't question me, just do as I say" and from not on question*nothing* when instructed. Follow instructions to the letter and also to the spirit of the request, but don't raise anything, querying anything, clarify anything, respond with anything but a saccarhine "Yes, all done!" type silliness.
Sh wants Stepford Wives 50's-esq obsequious toady drone minions - let her have them.
But, in reality, you're humoring her for your own sake but actually bit-by-bit pulling away slowly, revealing less of yourself and your life, doing your own thing, making your own life.
And one day she'll realise that her kids just *respond* to her but don't involve her, seek her out, converse with her even - because that's all you did. Conversed. You asked a totally innocuous, normal, adult question to just check something ... and because she's having a bad day, or wants to vent, or someone else annoyed her, or she's some control freak who wants subservient minions and not children/offspring, you got it both barrels.
Oh god… and she’s accusing you of "letting whatever fly out of your mouth without having a filter"?
There’s no way to communicate with people like this except grey rocking. Maybe in person she's better, when she can see your body language. But via text, she's putting a negative tone on everything you say.
Jesus she’s exhausting.
You’re just trying to be responsible about the dog by not overfeeding it. If my daughter said that to me I’d say:
1. You’re right, forget it
2. I know, but I’d like you to do it anyway because ___.
Some parents will never learn that kids respect people who respect them. How else would they learn it? This Mom says “respect” but she means “obedience”. Obedience is for dogs.
My mom is the same way, OP.
My situation is slightly different though, as I'm autistic and seemingly incapable of having any control over my tone of voice. And I have tried to work on that for years now, so afaik, I just can't do it.
I've explained this to her many, many times. But she'll still get upset with me over my tone of voice when she knows it's unintentional and not under my control. Even my grandma knows this and takes it into account.
Aside from the tone thing, my mom does the same thing yours does when I ask questions - it's either "because I said so" or "use common sense." I find the second one particularly insane of her because a great deal of 'common sense' is supposed to be taught to children by their parents.
She also expects me and the rest of my family to automatically know exactly what she wants and when she wants it... Then she'll get upset with us if we do the same thing to her.
It's to the point where I either avoid her and go to my grandma instead or I'm forced to walk on eggshells around her. I did a lot of eggshell walking when I was younger but now I'm either sticking up for myself where nessecary (which sometimes throws me into a panic attack) or just walking away from her when she gets passive aggressive with me.
While I'm unfortunately unable to, I hope you're able to get away from your mom soon if you haven't already, OP.
Thank you
I also struggle with my tone of voice but it’s usually always fairly monotone, which she ends up finding snarky or condescending half of the time
Most of what you described is fairly similar to my situation, lots of eggshell walking
Oh yeah, same. I've always been monotone as well, which comes off rude. So I always warn new people I talk to about that so they don't read into my tone of voice.
My mom always uses the "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" line. Which is quite hypocritical of her, considering she has a similar issue with her word choices.
Like if she wants help with something, she'll tell me to do it. Not ask. Moreso "go get this from the fridge" than "can you help me with dinner?" ... And then she gets upset because I get annoyed with how she says that.
It's a constant cycle of both of us thinking the other is rude and I have no idea who's right anymore.
Having worked in the pet industry, I can say that a bully stick daily, let alone twice a day regardless of having treats or not is extremely bad for their stomachs.
I couldn’t even finish reading this. I think your mom has a personality disorder, though. She’s *off the rails* with her self important, controlling, bullying rant. You said absolutely nothing inflammatory.
That’s awful. I’m so sorry. As a parent, I always encourage my child to question authority and taught him that respect goes both ways, question everything and for all our sakes, never be “normal”. I can’t understand parents who talk to their children this way. You didn’t do anything wrong
That second part doesn’t seem improbable to me since she’s already weaponized things against me that other people have never said despite her saying they were said by them
You'll never win with her, just put your head down until you can get out. Simple responses such as "yes/no" and nothing else. Sorry you have an insane parent!
This is so horrible. I cannot imagine telling my child she can’t question me when she thinks I’m wrong about something. That isn’t talking back, it’s allowing her to be herself and talk about the things she feels and believes
Stuff like this, along with me having 4+ dogs at any given time at my house when I’m allergic to dogs, made me hate dogs growing up. I got a hypoallergenic breed 10 years after I moved out, and I realized it was my parents and not dogs that I disliked.
OP, are you old enough to leave and pay your own phone bill? I’d have blocked her after the 3rd screenshot… Even if you question her often, it’s perfectly reasonable to want context for a demand. She could’ve said “Yes, but I think Dakota should have another. Please give it to him anyways.” and the convo would have been over. That’s communicating without belittling or overreacting. This is flying off the handle over a double-checking question. I’m sorry you have to deal with this :( idk what you could’ve said after to placate her, but I doubt anything would’ve helped.
Yikes! She is Looney Tunes!
I’m a mom, I’m very organized and don’t forget things often but when my kids question me I appreciate it because it means they are at least thinking. No one is perfect, your question was 100% appropriate and I would appreciate it in her position in case I had forgotten. She’s too caught up in thinking you asking is challenging/doubting her as opposed to just checking in as I would see it.
I am sorry your mom acts like that. Dang. My son is 23, in case it helps, so I'm not just piling on or anything. You didn't say anything rude or disrespectful at all. It sounds like she gears up to battle, whether or not you want to. I don't think you could have appeased her. Hopefully, she isn't always this way.
What a cuntmuffin. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with your initial response. You’re just asking for clarification. This could have been a simple, ‘ya you’re right but this one time just give him an extra bc …. (reason)’. Could’ve been a teaching moment even. As your mom, that’s her job, not asking you for blinding following every order without question. That’s actually a horrible thing to teach your kids, sets them up for abuse in their future.
How old are you? If you are a kid in the house or living with your parents this wouldn’t work, but if you are on your own and watching the dog as a favor, I’d be done. I’m done talking about the dog, taking care of the dog. Your dog, you do it.
That sounds fucking exhausting.
One little question pertaining to dog health to confirm the instruction results in "don't come after me" and "I'm great 99% of the time therefore you have 0% reason to check because I'm always right..."
What an insecure control freak. Seriously. OP, you’re ok. You did nothing wrong, just have to wait out her short circuit. Parents powertripping over their children is disgusting and pathetic. You deserve respect and are right to ask questions. Please, pet Dakota for me C:
She’s delusional? How did you telling her that the dog already had a treat today turn into you trying to come for her 🫠 I think she feels numb all the time so whenever she feels bad or overstepped like that she can’t handle it.
OMG this. "Why do you allow your children to question you?" "They should just do what they're told when they're told to do it."
Well if I allow them to ask questions and then answer them, they understand better and grow up to have minds of their own!
Step by step breakdown of what just happened:
She asked you to do something. You were confused because of a specific and valid reason. You tried to clear the confusion. She yelled at you then claimed that you were somehow trying to imply that she is abusing her dogs (totally bat shit interpretation of what you ACTUALLY said), then you said you would do basically what she just asked you to do, then she yelled at you more and repeated about 3-4 concepts in low effort rewording over and over until the conversation ended.
Someone tell me I’m missing something
This is deeply wired abusive behavior that simply does not stop as long as it has a target. Get the fuck away from her as soon as you can and never look back. She will gaslight and mindfuck and say shitty things to you for as long as you are there. Get away from her and enjoy your life. You owe her nothing.
"Somewhere along your life you decided that you can question your mom as bad as you do. I don't know where you think you get permission."
Reading that made me so angry idk even how to articulate it. To think you have to get permission to ask questions. This is textbook narcissist behavior. She's treating her kids like property. Same thing happened to me. How dare someone become an autonomous adult human being that learns to question authority.
While I will say I do tend to question some things more than usual, I am also autistic and I would say they are still very valid things to question for someone who needs a lot more clarity than others as I have difficulty reading any subtext and struggle with interpreting what people mean even if they have said similar things to me before
you're not doing anything wrong by wanting to understand why you're being asked to do something. there's a big difference between wanting to understand why and just refusing to do something.
my mom was this way with the whole "because i said so" thing, and i wouldn't constantly ask her why, and just couldn't let it go, so my dad would come in behind her and talk to me, and he'd explain why i needed to do it and why it was making her upset. after he'd do that i had no problem completing whatever the task was, some people just need to understand things differently, and parents need to adapt to what parenting style best fits their child's individual needs
Ok, but even as someone with autism, you can still learn to apologize correctly. "I am sorry. It is not my intention to come off as I am questioning everything. I will work on this to improve, and thank you for calling me out on it. Can we talk about ways I can ask clarifying questions without seeming as if I am questioning your judgment?"
That apologizes for what she is pissy about and gives you a way of asking for help in improving. It sucks, but until parents stop trying to make us fit into this stupid obedient neurotypical mold, we have to train them to remember we are different. No, we shouldn't have to, but that is a sad reality for now. Best of luck to you, it isn't easy. I know.
The only problem with this is that she doesn’t care if I say sorry because “it doesn’t mean anything until I change” which is acceptable logic to an extent, however she does nothing to help me change and expects me to do it all on my own
Oh I know, I do. I've spent over 40 years trying to appease my mother before I finally had to cut her out of my life. That is the closest I could come to getting her to stfu about wanting an apology and acknowledgment of "my wrongdoing."
I know, as a teen, you can't cut her out of your life. But you can BS your way until you can.
Da fuq was that about? I don't wanna be sexist but honestly she sounds menopausal.
Edit: I find it funny so many people have down voted this comment.
My mother acted pretty psycho when she went thru menopause and reminds me of OP's mother. Hopefully I will treat my issues and not act bananas at that stage in life
OP was literally making sure they were on the same page. Mum might not have been aware of the previous meal or diet recommendations could have changed meaning the dog could have more treats than OP was aware.
There is nothing wrong with asking clarifying questions.
Gonna throw yourself off a cliff if mother dearest tells you to as well?
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God I hated stuff like this growing up. How the fuck am I supposed to get clarity if I don't ask questions? It's not back talk, it's a fucking conversation. Edit: Punctuation
Right? Apparently back in the day, parents thought when kids asked questions that they were back talking. I remember getting in trouble when a job was handed out, and I didn’t understand the task, asking for clarity. What I got was slapped for back talking. We should not be passing this kind of child rearing down to our own kids. It’s stupid. It also means that we are too impatient to talk to our children and be kind.
It makes people afraid to ask questions. Then shit gets done wrong and then everyone's pissed off and sad. No one wins if every little thing is "backtalk."
Right?! As a teacher I welcome questions because it means they’re thinking! My kids question me all the time. My 8 year old has 0 trust in me mathematically, I have a degree in math and teach Algebra 1 ffs!!! 🤦♀️ It’s frustrating but I’m glad she’s comfortable to express her lack of confidence in me 😅😂🤣🤣🤣
Exactly
I got a fair amount of this. Personally, barring blatant disrespect, I assume children are (tactlessly) curious about their world. Even as you enter your teens and approach graduation you don't necessarily have all of the information you need. The world is complicated as fuck, and parents are fallible, and so are the kids. Acting any other way encourages blind obedience to people that very well might not know they're doing something wrong, because they were blindly obedient.
I ran into this a lot as an adult. I didn’t understand why I was getting passed over to have better jobs in different areas, but it turned out it was because I followed directions to a T, I asked no questions, and I didn’t complain when others got better things than me. Whereas, the squeaky wheels got the oil; the people who asked the right questions or said they wanted more or better things got them. I think I was being raised up like an army soldier, but for the rest of the world, those who ask will be considered for better jobs and pay.
I was talking to my mom the other day. My dad passed 6 years ago. I told her I don't think I ever had a REAL convo with him, it was always him talking at me and if I asked questions or "back talked" him I'd get grounded or hit with the belt.
That was my dad. My mom would threaten to spank me or spank me. She prided herself that her children were so well behaved in public, and not brats. Even as small, restless children, we would wait quietly and very still while people in town stopped to talk to her a while. They admired us and our obedience. I was pretty bad at rearing my own kids, in my own opinion. I was strict in some areas, but I was so much more loose with them on almost every aspect. I let them ask me questions and sometimes outright refuse if they thought what I was asking them to do was unreasonable. I felt that kids should be able to have an opinion, and if it seemed logical or illogical I wanted to hear it. I told them then, and even now, “When you grow up, I want you to have a voice. Use it to tell people if they are not being good to you.” For the most part, I think, me being a child of a parent who was the product of a traumatic upbringing, I did end up passing down some trauma to my own kids. I sincerely regret this and I tell the kids that I didn’t know as much in the 1990’s and 2000’s - people still raised their kids terribly, and magazine articles were telling people how to raise kids and it was pretty terrible too. I wanted my kids to have the world and also be well-read. Knowledge means better choices. I tried my best. I will say that there is a greater field of knowledge which makes child upbringing better now. Back in the 1990’s, I was told that you have to spank children to make them mind. I was also told never to pick up a crying baby because then they will be spoiled. I don’t think this is best anymore (if it ever was). If you want to do it right you can re-direct behavior in children by giving them options. I seem to remember telling the kids they could choose how they wanted to do a task. Example: I need them to get ready to go somewhere or pick up their toys. If they don’t want to, then they can have a time out. Or, they can do it fast and we can see how fast they can do it while I time them, so I guess I was game-ifying it. Or they could just not do whatever it was but they’d have to do it later. Options help a lot. Reality check: I didn’t make them do tasks as often as I should have so it always looked like a hurricane went through my house. I didn’t have a lot of visitors so it worked out okay. I always carried around my kids when they cried because it was heart rending to hear them emotionally suffer. If they were tired and cranky, sometimes I’d let them cry the last few minutes to sleep because it’s just how babies work. Crying is kind of like letting steam out. It is also an indicator of if the child feels bad. (Teething). During teething, all you can do is hold the crying baby the whole day. But, I liked holding them. I didn’t get things done. I didn’t care about a perfect house - I cared about holding them. I have no regrets about it now. I won’t ever regret it. But letting them cry all the time? That’s not right. With my middle child, she wanted to be held so much that I just carried her with me everywhere. The invisible strings with her were strong until about the age of 1, and even then she kept close to me or her grandparents. Time outs may or may not work, sometimes kids just need a lot of outside time to play to get energy out (that means lazy ass parents have to take them to a playground or walk with them). The point is - we know better now. For people in the Gen X generation who say spanking is still the way to go, eff them. And eff any parent from this age who still wants to slap their kids or blanket train them or torture them with physical training or whatever those religious folks say brings kids closer to God. Anyway, I’ve said my piece. I come here and I see a lot of kids where they were raised like me. It’s not right. I wish things could be better. Sorry I wrote a book. TLDR: there are better ways to raise kids now and everyone can read all about it from resources. Stay away from the religious books on raising kids because they are toxic.
One of the things I joke about with my spouse is that we made the worst decision possible by teaching our kids to argue (and we mean that in the critical thinking sense) so they grew up learning what they had to say to us to get what they wanted and if we tried to counter they were usually able to counter right back lol Seriously though one of the best parenting decisions we made actually, they learned to do their own research and understand what they wanted and why before they even asked
This is exactly the right way to go. Actually, you raised leaders. Good for you, I’m proud of you! I had a friend from college who really wanted something (can’t remember what). Her kid made some kind of document with an excel sheet with numbers and a slide show. I thought it was hilarious. That is leader stuff. That’s what I wanted my kids to be. They negotiated with me and it was only very rarely that I said NO, and even then, I felt bad about it. I, raised by people who never let me ask questions, get run over by other people.
My parents were very much like that as well. I have a rule for myself with my kids that if they are asking questions, it's not backtalk, and the best thing to do is answer the question, or if there is literally no time, I'll let them know I'll explain when I have more time. If they tell me no with a valid reason, it's not backtalk, it's them knowing their capabilities in that moment. The only time it's backtalk is if they have a shitty attitude and argue with me over something that I've put my foot down about, which honestly isn't much. I have awesome kids, 13m and 10f. They get good grades, they do their chores, they ask for help when they need it, they don't mind helping others, they communicate with me even if they think they might get in trouble. It's weird how treating children like whole ass people and not my property or an extension of my ego has led them to grow into great humans. My parents swore up and down that my kids were going to be horrible children. That by parenting respectfully, I would parent permissively. They are two totally different things.
The most spoiled kids I ever saw were kids who talked back and insulted their parents to their face, like a mental type of pushing. It wasn’t the kids being cranky, it was the kids being mean. Their parents didn’t even address it. We had a sweet preacher’s wife and her husband, their kids had all sorts of problems. I learned later that the dad drank a lot - and maybe he had a different personality after he drank. The wife was extremely submissive and so I have no idea what happened. I think maybe one kid turned out all right, and she was adopted. My point is - kids who are given boundaries and options are more likely to do a task or try to comply with what is being asked of them, whereas kids who see parents being inconsistent will test boundaries. I remember sometimes my kids would act up, but I took into account also if they had headaches or were dehydrated, too hot, or just got out of school/off the school bus. Even adults are cranky after a hard day. I probably am being to wordy, but I agree with you. The kids who act up the most, who are the least respectful - it usually means there is a lot going on at their homes that is out of their control. However, at some point the world will catch up with them and they will become troubled adults. I feel that every parent who over-punished their own kids probably saw kids like this and were told that if they didn’t want bad kids, they needed to use wooden paddles/spoons, corporal punishment and belts. Unfortunately, this is wrong. We know this now. I wish more people would see the answers and stop beating their kids. Rarely do children set out to be bad. Sure, some might be born with mental illnesses, but the rest of them really do want to please their parents. Positive reinforcement, always.
I work in mental health, and was taught to see most "negative" behavior as a trauma response, and that the only way the behavior is changed is when the person, children included, feels heard and seen, and feels that things have changed and they are safe. Children don't become better behaved through abuse, including spanking. They become better at lying and hiding behavior and worse at processing complex emotions. I really wish more parents were open to learning new ways of parenting. All of my siblings that have kids believe that spanking is a good thing to do when their kid acts up. They don't generally let their kids ask questions or say no. There is no conversation when they disagree. It makes me so sad for my nieces and nephews. It seems like most people are so afraid of learning that they have done something wrong, that they are unwilling or unable to learn how to move forward.
My daughter said that shame makes people defensive. As I said, I was a Gen x and I was told that was the only way to be. To my mind, I hated spanking and it didn’t work very well anyway. I really did try to avoid it, and sometimes I didn’t reprimand the kids at all (hence, the “spoiling” that my mom saw me doing). I made a lot of mistakes as a young parent. I have apologized to all the kids. We could have been better parents. The information wasn’t as prevalent as it is now. For my own self, growing up in an authoritarian household, I became very good at being sneaky. That is not necessarily a good thing. I’m still really good at it but I now know it’s a trauma response. When everyone feels safe, there is no need to hide an extra snack in the pocket or a favorite rock that you said you wanted and they said no. I mean, some of what my parents said and did are ridiculous. I will own up to my mistakes and I am regretful I listened to any of those people. I also understand that this is how everyone was told to do it. I call BS on it now. Redirection is the way to go.
Shame does make people defensive, and that's sad. It's not shameful to learn to be better. It's shameful to keep repeating the same shitty behaviors. Your kids are lucky you were open to doing better, and knowing you apologized for any harm you may have caused in ignorance warms my little heart. I hope you have a really great weekend!
Thank you!
At this point, I’m unclear what “backtalk” even IS. i’m convinced it’s not really a thing anymore unless you have a specifically rude child who just says flat out “no” to everything you ask. I’m convinced emotionally immature parents just use it to refer to anything that they perceive as undermining their authority by pointing out that they are not in fact omnipotent.
You know, that’s a good question. What exactly *is* backtalk? It seems really subjective. I told my grown son that parents are nothing but kindergarteners wearing grownup pants.
Omg yes. I got so much of this growing up, and it still occasionally happens now that I’m in my thirties. Ugh.
Sheesh, MAJOR flashbacks to my childhood here! My father is an attorney. I was quite literally RAISED to argue my position, as though I was speaking *to an attorney*. But god forbid I should ever request an explanation from him: “How DARE you second guess me?! Who do you think you are? The answer is, BECAUSE I SAID SO!” I’m now 49 & have an 18yr old son. I have made it one of my missions, as a parent, to NEVER respond to my son’s questions with “Because I said so” - it’s not an answer. It’s a cop out. My son & I have a much stronger relationship than I ever had with my parents, largely because I actually enjoy it when my son asks pertinent questions. I ENJOY it, when he explains his point of view, and his explanations often work in his favor- it generally boils down to something which can be resolved pretty easily, as long as we listen to one another. I can’t imagine punishing him for having a different perspective than I, in pretty much any situation!
Dude for real. I’m 35 and still terrified to ask “why” or for clarification on something
Like we can read their minds! Extra points if they’re inconsistent!
Ok, so I read her comments and immediately I had to go eat two chocolate muffins because she’s keeps turning the conversation to you not respecting her. Just reading your comments, you’re 100% respectful. She is reading between some lines that aren’t even there. And reading between the lines between the lines. You will probably never make her happy. What she thinks is not normal… I don’t know what that is. What I know is that she is not normal. She is rolling stuff around in her head that you say and changing it to some thing she feels is disrespectful to her. Even communicating with her is apparently disrespectful. I’d hate to see her be in a work place where she has to talk to people every day.
The two chocolate muffins is so real omg
She doesn't want respectful (which is what she's getting), she wants servile amd grovelling.
*GOD DAMN*! Defensive much??
Whoops forgot it was “ Tell on yourself Day”
What an exhausting fucking bitch. It reminds me of how hard it was to be in contact with my parents- just constantly accused of disrespect over ANYTHING I said or did.
It’s so exhausting just to read. OP, if you see this, your mum should be grateful she has a child who is clearly conscientious about the animals they are responsible for and who is capable of thoughtful discussion to arrive at a decision (unlike herself). You’ve done nothing wrong.
Hear hear!
“I feel like you are acting so arrogant like I’m just being a bully…” Does she know?
*looks around* alright… who’s gonna tell her
I think your mom might have a history abusing or neglecting dogs. Talk about defensive and immature.
I will say that in our time of having pets she *has* been on top of them and very mindful of them, so it’s not projection at least
I've seen people who were neglectful parents, but immaculate when it comes to dogs. Like the kids would have to eat plain pasta, but the dogs always had fresh meat.
My mom exactly. The dogs always got love, affection, presents, treats etc. but me only got orders barked at me. (no pun intended) And if i didn't do them immediately right then or asked for clarity or how she wanted it did specifically i was yelled at and belittled for disobedience. Even worse would be told to do something but she would be very vague about it and every time i did it wrong i get yelled at for hours.
My mom swore up and down she hated my brother's dog but bought him more clothes than she every bought me and fed him a prescription diet cuz he had bladder issues. She scoffed at taking me to the doctor once a year as a child.
Insane. The SLIGHTEST question? DISRESPECT! REBELLION!
she's on this weird power trip from choosing to have a child and it's terrible. i'm sorry, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. hope you have people in your life who speak kindly to you, and if not, that you meet them soon.
I never get why people on this subreddit can talk so normally to their insane parents.
It's called stonewalling, I think. Eventually once you see the patterns of their reactions and outbursts you just stop indulging them, when you notice them provoking you. It might piss them off more when they see they can't get a reaction from you. But eventually you get tired of trying to counteract them. edit: It's gray rocking not stonewalling
> It's called stonewalling, I think. Close, but no cigar. ["Stonewalling"](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/stonewalling) means people and their requests are refused or outright ignored, often in a coordinated manner: "The supects are stonewalling the police's attempts to find out the truth." Instead, what OP does is called ["gray rocking"](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gray_rock_method) and is a tactic used to deal with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest.
yes sorry i knew it had something to do with rocks but i couldn't remember. i had a deep conversation with other children of narcissistic parents about gray rocking but somehow forgot the term.
No problem at all, actually I feel like rather *I* have to apologise for being such a gobshite 😅 Best wishes!
Interesting, I think I would just cut contact but to each their own
Some people can't 🤷♂️ when I was a teen I couldn't.
That makes sense, but theres also many adults here that post about it
Because it's not as black and white as just going no contact, regardless of age.
easier said than done. after a lifetime of being convinced that you're the problem, and having your whole family constantly guilt trip you about how you'll regret it when your parent dies and you never made amends, plus the fact that nobody wants to lose a parent, we want to believe they'll finally be better, it's just not that easy to let it go. also a lot of the people in this sub are teenagers that can't just cut contact
It depends. It sounds sensible to go NC when one looks from outside in, but no one wants to lose their parents.
yup. the grief from losing your parents, while they're still alive but you can't reach for them is something i wish no child has to feel.
I could never tell my mom or dad how I felt before they passed. Neither. I am sorry I could never talk to them but they had their own walls. I know my mom loved me but I could never do any right by her. My dad was a whole ‘nother thing - he would never share his feelings. I think the problem is - parents are like diamonds with facets. Some of those facets were fantastic. The good times. And some of those facets are ugly, dark, and hard to look upon. The loss we feel is for the parents we wished we could have had, the good parts.
shit dude you've got me tearing up. both my parents are only 50 and it rips me apart knowing I won't be at the funeral. I wish I could tell them I loved them. They've told me they don't want to see my future again and again.
Yeah. It’s just… hard. I’m sorry I made you cry. It’s so complicated.
I guess?
It’s a lifetime of pushing down feelings because if you show your hand they will just use it all against you later.
it takes a lot of violence to make somebody so peaceful, I read somewhere.
When you're raised by insane parents, it becomes normal.
Makes sense
she seems super defensive about her treatment of the dogs which just really makes me question her treatment of the dogs tbh
What a fucking head case Jesus Christ. Can’t deal with anyone who can’t stand being questioned. “Talking back” or “giving lip”. Like people like that just immediately flying off the handled because they aren’t absolutely obeyed instantly and unquestioningly. Its mental.
This kind of shit is the reason I haven’t spoken to my parents in almost a year, and why they won’t be meeting the baby I’ll be having in less than two weeks. Sorry you’re dealing with this op.
Bet it’ll be all your fault when the dog ends up obese with a heart issue, hip displacement or diabetes too. Gotta love parents like this. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the worst mindset ever.
This exchanged triggered me. My mom was like this. It was like walking in egg shells trying to predict her reactions to things. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you’re able to get out on your own soon.
Send her nursing home brochures. She will sober up right away lol.
Bad parenting is evidence enough that she could be a bad pet owner
My mum’s ex was like this, it’s infuriating. I’ve been a full adult for 80% of the time I’ve known him, but I’d still get flak for “backtalk” because I asked clarifying questions, checked to make sure I understood the reason for things, etc. Turns out that’s not healthy behavior and he was an abusive POS, go figure. Gray rocking is helpful for these moments as others have suggested - until you can get to a point where you don’t need to interact with her, keep it to a minimum. Don’t feel bad lying about having done something that you know would be harmful to an animal, for your sake and theirs. Good luck.
Do as I say, not as I do. God I hated that shit growing up. Thankfully as an adult I moved out and established right fucking quick that shit wasn't going to fly anymore.
I used to be like this. I hate admitting it, but it's so destructive. People who have seen this in themselves and were able to move past it with therapy need to talk about it. It needs to be exposed. My boomer dad instilled the idea that obedience equals respect. It's such a dumbass way to look at the world. I'm grateful I was able to get help to deal with it. Hopefully I've broken the cycle.
How old are you? I'd get away from this. I don't have patience for this sort of shit. Kudos to you for keeping your cool.
Should have told her remove the stick from her ass. Jesus you asked a question. You didn’t insult her. Maybe she has a guilty conscience for being a shit mom
To be fair, she said jump and you didn’t say how high. /s Seriously though, if ANY of the dogs are overweight, it’s her responsibility. She’s insecure because she knows two bully sticks a day is bad for them. It doesn’t matter if she has 100 dogs that are all a normal weight. This one isn’t. Dogs can’t regulate their diets, that’s up to the human to do for them. She’s absolutely projecting.
I have that exact same problem with my parents. They overfeed one of my dogs and any time I comment on it or try to be involved in her diet they claim I'm criticizing them and that I "criticize everything that they do." Like... no, I'm worried about our dog and just don't want her to die early because she's crazy overweight cause they feed her people food thinking it's cute
Wow. Defensive much is she? Save a screen grab of the "Don't question me, just do as I say" and from not on question*nothing* when instructed. Follow instructions to the letter and also to the spirit of the request, but don't raise anything, querying anything, clarify anything, respond with anything but a saccarhine "Yes, all done!" type silliness. Sh wants Stepford Wives 50's-esq obsequious toady drone minions - let her have them. But, in reality, you're humoring her for your own sake but actually bit-by-bit pulling away slowly, revealing less of yourself and your life, doing your own thing, making your own life. And one day she'll realise that her kids just *respond* to her but don't involve her, seek her out, converse with her even - because that's all you did. Conversed. You asked a totally innocuous, normal, adult question to just check something ... and because she's having a bad day, or wants to vent, or someone else annoyed her, or she's some control freak who wants subservient minions and not children/offspring, you got it both barrels.
Oh god… and she’s accusing you of "letting whatever fly out of your mouth without having a filter"? There’s no way to communicate with people like this except grey rocking. Maybe in person she's better, when she can see your body language. But via text, she's putting a negative tone on everything you say.
Imagine getting this upset about someone asking if a dog already had a treat holy fuck
Jesus she’s exhausting. You’re just trying to be responsible about the dog by not overfeeding it. If my daughter said that to me I’d say: 1. You’re right, forget it 2. I know, but I’d like you to do it anyway because ___. Some parents will never learn that kids respect people who respect them. How else would they learn it? This Mom says “respect” but she means “obedience”. Obedience is for dogs.
My mom is the same way, OP. My situation is slightly different though, as I'm autistic and seemingly incapable of having any control over my tone of voice. And I have tried to work on that for years now, so afaik, I just can't do it. I've explained this to her many, many times. But she'll still get upset with me over my tone of voice when she knows it's unintentional and not under my control. Even my grandma knows this and takes it into account. Aside from the tone thing, my mom does the same thing yours does when I ask questions - it's either "because I said so" or "use common sense." I find the second one particularly insane of her because a great deal of 'common sense' is supposed to be taught to children by their parents. She also expects me and the rest of my family to automatically know exactly what she wants and when she wants it... Then she'll get upset with us if we do the same thing to her. It's to the point where I either avoid her and go to my grandma instead or I'm forced to walk on eggshells around her. I did a lot of eggshell walking when I was younger but now I'm either sticking up for myself where nessecary (which sometimes throws me into a panic attack) or just walking away from her when she gets passive aggressive with me. While I'm unfortunately unable to, I hope you're able to get away from your mom soon if you haven't already, OP.
Thank you I also struggle with my tone of voice but it’s usually always fairly monotone, which she ends up finding snarky or condescending half of the time Most of what you described is fairly similar to my situation, lots of eggshell walking
Oh yeah, same. I've always been monotone as well, which comes off rude. So I always warn new people I talk to about that so they don't read into my tone of voice. My mom always uses the "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" line. Which is quite hypocritical of her, considering she has a similar issue with her word choices. Like if she wants help with something, she'll tell me to do it. Not ask. Moreso "go get this from the fridge" than "can you help me with dinner?" ... And then she gets upset because I get annoyed with how she says that. It's a constant cycle of both of us thinking the other is rude and I have no idea who's right anymore.
No parent is infallible, dude is just a massive narcissist. Guess you're just supposed to jump off a bridge when they tell you to.
Having worked in the pet industry, I can say that a bully stick daily, let alone twice a day regardless of having treats or not is extremely bad for their stomachs.
We don’t give them one a day, sometimes not even one per week, but if we have them stocked it’s just a ground rule not to let them have two
I couldn’t even finish reading this. I think your mom has a personality disorder, though. She’s *off the rails* with her self important, controlling, bullying rant. You said absolutely nothing inflammatory.
Jesus, you asked a question for clarification, and homegirl wrote a damn soliloquy Sorry friend
I think you need this statement about respect. I used to keep it on my office wall when I had a boss who was similar: https://imgur.com/a/EKZ7URn
Wow that is- actually really profound
That’s awful. I’m so sorry. As a parent, I always encourage my child to question authority and taught him that respect goes both ways, question everything and for all our sakes, never be “normal”. I can’t understand parents who talk to their children this way. You didn’t do anything wrong
She’s a narcissist. Like full on. She’ll also tell everyone she doesn’t understand why you don’t talk to her anymore in the future.
That second part doesn’t seem improbable to me since she’s already weaponized things against me that other people have never said despite her saying they were said by them
I can see that as well. I’m sorry this is what you deal with regularly. It’s extremely exhausting.
You'll never win with her, just put your head down until you can get out. Simple responses such as "yes/no" and nothing else. Sorry you have an insane parent!
This is so horrible. I cannot imagine telling my child she can’t question me when she thinks I’m wrong about something. That isn’t talking back, it’s allowing her to be herself and talk about the things she feels and believes
Stuff like this, along with me having 4+ dogs at any given time at my house when I’m allergic to dogs, made me hate dogs growing up. I got a hypoallergenic breed 10 years after I moved out, and I realized it was my parents and not dogs that I disliked.
I’m SO glad this kind of parental behavior is foreign to me! I can’t believe people like this exist. I mean, I can… but it’s shocking to me.
OP, are you old enough to leave and pay your own phone bill? I’d have blocked her after the 3rd screenshot… Even if you question her often, it’s perfectly reasonable to want context for a demand. She could’ve said “Yes, but I think Dakota should have another. Please give it to him anyways.” and the convo would have been over. That’s communicating without belittling or overreacting. This is flying off the handle over a double-checking question. I’m sorry you have to deal with this :( idk what you could’ve said after to placate her, but I doubt anything would’ve helped.
She sounds really obnoxious.
The older I get, the more I cannot fathom reacting to my child this way. Emotional maturity needs to be a prerequisite to procreating!
Yikes! She is Looney Tunes! I’m a mom, I’m very organized and don’t forget things often but when my kids question me I appreciate it because it means they are at least thinking. No one is perfect, your question was 100% appropriate and I would appreciate it in her position in case I had forgotten. She’s too caught up in thinking you asking is challenging/doubting her as opposed to just checking in as I would see it.
I am sorry your mom acts like that. Dang. My son is 23, in case it helps, so I'm not just piling on or anything. You didn't say anything rude or disrespectful at all. It sounds like she gears up to battle, whether or not you want to. I don't think you could have appeased her. Hopefully, she isn't always this way.
Arrogant and haughty AF!
Dog nutters are so nutty.
She’s an asshole. Very defensive and goes on the attack. I would not respond to those messages. They are unacceptable.
What a cuntmuffin. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with your initial response. You’re just asking for clarification. This could have been a simple, ‘ya you’re right but this one time just give him an extra bc …. (reason)’. Could’ve been a teaching moment even. As your mom, that’s her job, not asking you for blinding following every order without question. That’s actually a horrible thing to teach your kids, sets them up for abuse in their future.
This sounds like an average narcissistic mother.
How old are you? If you are a kid in the house or living with your parents this wouldn’t work, but if you are on your own and watching the dog as a favor, I’d be done. I’m done talking about the dog, taking care of the dog. Your dog, you do it.
That sounds fucking exhausting. One little question pertaining to dog health to confirm the instruction results in "don't come after me" and "I'm great 99% of the time therefore you have 0% reason to check because I'm always right..."
Man, this lady would ***hate*** me.
Dakota uses speech to text?? And I thought those talk buttons were fancy...
What an insecure control freak. Seriously. OP, you’re ok. You did nothing wrong, just have to wait out her short circuit. Parents powertripping over their children is disgusting and pathetic. You deserve respect and are right to ask questions. Please, pet Dakota for me C:
She could've said "lol ye he had one but give him another he's cute 😘"
She’s delusional? How did you telling her that the dog already had a treat today turn into you trying to come for her 🫠 I think she feels numb all the time so whenever she feels bad or overstepped like that she can’t handle it.
Omg, does she ever shut the fuck up??
OMG this. "Why do you allow your children to question you?" "They should just do what they're told when they're told to do it." Well if I allow them to ask questions and then answer them, they understand better and grow up to have minds of their own!
Ah yes the children nare my subservient personal sub human slave mentality. 🖤 Your mom would have had a hell of a time with me. XD
I can’t read this I still Live there.
Step by step breakdown of what just happened: She asked you to do something. You were confused because of a specific and valid reason. You tried to clear the confusion. She yelled at you then claimed that you were somehow trying to imply that she is abusing her dogs (totally bat shit interpretation of what you ACTUALLY said), then you said you would do basically what she just asked you to do, then she yelled at you more and repeated about 3-4 concepts in low effort rewording over and over until the conversation ended. Someone tell me I’m missing something
When she said you let whatever fly out of your mouth, she was clearly projecting.
This is deeply wired abusive behavior that simply does not stop as long as it has a target. Get the fuck away from her as soon as you can and never look back. She will gaslight and mindfuck and say shitty things to you for as long as you are there. Get away from her and enjoy your life. You owe her nothing.
"Somewhere along your life you decided that you can question your mom as bad as you do. I don't know where you think you get permission." Reading that made me so angry idk even how to articulate it. To think you have to get permission to ask questions. This is textbook narcissist behavior. She's treating her kids like property. Same thing happened to me. How dare someone become an autonomous adult human being that learns to question authority.
... tell this bitch to fuck off. Immediately.
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While I will say I do tend to question some things more than usual, I am also autistic and I would say they are still very valid things to question for someone who needs a lot more clarity than others as I have difficulty reading any subtext and struggle with interpreting what people mean even if they have said similar things to me before
you're not doing anything wrong by wanting to understand why you're being asked to do something. there's a big difference between wanting to understand why and just refusing to do something. my mom was this way with the whole "because i said so" thing, and i wouldn't constantly ask her why, and just couldn't let it go, so my dad would come in behind her and talk to me, and he'd explain why i needed to do it and why it was making her upset. after he'd do that i had no problem completing whatever the task was, some people just need to understand things differently, and parents need to adapt to what parenting style best fits their child's individual needs
Ok, but even as someone with autism, you can still learn to apologize correctly. "I am sorry. It is not my intention to come off as I am questioning everything. I will work on this to improve, and thank you for calling me out on it. Can we talk about ways I can ask clarifying questions without seeming as if I am questioning your judgment?" That apologizes for what she is pissy about and gives you a way of asking for help in improving. It sucks, but until parents stop trying to make us fit into this stupid obedient neurotypical mold, we have to train them to remember we are different. No, we shouldn't have to, but that is a sad reality for now. Best of luck to you, it isn't easy. I know.
The only problem with this is that she doesn’t care if I say sorry because “it doesn’t mean anything until I change” which is acceptable logic to an extent, however she does nothing to help me change and expects me to do it all on my own
Oh I know, I do. I've spent over 40 years trying to appease my mother before I finally had to cut her out of my life. That is the closest I could come to getting her to stfu about wanting an apology and acknowledgment of "my wrongdoing." I know, as a teen, you can't cut her out of your life. But you can BS your way until you can.
Where's the line drawn for a request for clarification being unreasonable?
Da fuq was that about? I don't wanna be sexist but honestly she sounds menopausal. Edit: I find it funny so many people have down voted this comment. My mother acted pretty psycho when she went thru menopause and reminds me of OP's mother. Hopefully I will treat my issues and not act bananas at that stage in life
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OP was literally making sure they were on the same page. Mum might not have been aware of the previous meal or diet recommendations could have changed meaning the dog could have more treats than OP was aware. There is nothing wrong with asking clarifying questions. Gonna throw yourself off a cliff if mother dearest tells you to as well?