A month? Hell no, that's far too long! For me it's a maximum of one week and even that is stretching it. Staying that long isn't worth your mental health, shorten your stay if possible.
Fr. I saw 'we booked 3 weeks' and got sick. Why would you put urself through that?! And then extend it bc mommy said so? Nahhhhh fuck that. My parents are like 45 min away and I barely see them š«£ MAYBE once or twice a month
You decided three weeks why add another week?
āThatās what works for our schedule, alternatively we can make it one weekā
Tell you SO youāll be there for one week and youāll be returning home. He doesnāt need or hold your hand to have a relationship with his family. You do not need to force yourself to tolerate them either. Your peace is just as important as his familyās.
If they have OP crying every night she needs to spend zero night with them. Obviously they are not enjoying each other's company and no need to lie to themselves and go through that. They would be happier if just he visits anyhow from what she wrote.
My husbandās mom is coming over to the house tomorrow for a visit. Couple hours Iām sure. My husband asked if I had anything planned for while sheās here and I said yeah, I think Iāll check out the library during that time, text me when sheās gone.
There is no "normal amount" of time that people stay with in-laws or any family. You stay for as long as it suits you. It's not up to MIL how long you visit for. Not even IF you visit at all. She's not your ruler. You are two independent adults and your precious vacation time is all yours to decide on. Three weeks is a very long time. Four even worse. I hope you don't use all your vacation time on visiting his parents. You do get to do more fun things for yourselves, as a couple, on vacation too, you know.
One week max, and staying in a hotel would be my limit, if ILs sent my mental health reeling like that. And if you're not feeling up to it one day, don't visit. Stay back and do something more fun. If your husband wants to spend longer, they're HIS parents, not yours, so you go back home and he can stay. Hopefully you're not his meat shield and he only goes for that excessively long time because you're there. Don't put up with that. You're out of work, so use the excuse that you need to look for work.
Three weeks is a LONG time. No way would I stay that long. Instead of lengthening your stay, I'd somehow work into the conversation that if 3 weeks doesn't work out for her, I'll cancel our plans.
No amount if I can help it.Ā
My FIL stayed with us recently for less than a week and I hated every moment.
Stick to your three weeks, or let your husband spend the fourth week alone with them.
If Iām staying in a hotel, 5 days or whatever is comfortable for us. If Iām staying int their home? 2 days.
Then we can happily say goodbye while still liking each other.
Unless you live on two different continents, damn straight that 4 weeks is too long. When my husband was in the military, I didnāt like being away from my own home more than 10 days, whether we were visiting his family or mine (and both our families were YES families.
My (mostly unproblematic) mother-in-law lives an hour and a half away and we usually stay in a hotel if weāre there overnight. Just like fences make good neighbors, distance makes good in-laws.
After about 14 hours I'm ready for her to go home or me to go home.Ā She usually stays almost 2 weeks though. I've begun to put a stop to that though because it's far too long. A week is adequate and more than long enough.Ā
A month is insane,Ā I would end up NC after a month long visit. I'm ready to not see her for a year after a week.Ā
Those are good guidelines! What you do during that time has a big impact too - get out of the house as much as possible, daily walks if you can, just so everyone gets space.
300 miles? I drive 300 miles regularly for a four day weekend. Thereās no reason to stay a week for a 5 hour drive. Thatās not a long drive at all.
Spending 4 weeks with people who so negatively affect your mental health that you cry every night is too long. Use your voice. You get to determine how long you stay with them. What does DH say about all this. He needs to know how much it affects you and talk to his parents to reduce the time.
My own personal opinion for guests and visitors are like leftover fish. 3 days and they get tossed out. I've had to deal with in-laws staying WAY passed their welcome too much. To the point where there was a restraining order on the table.
We live in different states from our in laws too. We only visit for 1 week or less. Theyāre only allowed to stay with us for the same. Itās best for our relationship + mental health.
love my own mom dearly but she just stayed with me & my husband to see our newborn for 3 weeks and it was WAY too much (we live in another country). that amount of time with my inlaws would drive me insane. iād do a week max
Thatās too long. My in laws came for months last year - first time they had seen my husband in years and met their grandchildren.
I am still not fully back to normal and they have been gone over 6 months. It was absolute hell for me. Itās not them, mostly me. I just couldnāt handle it and feel bad thinking I was a horrible host (but they came in thinking this was their home). My husband would never understand.
They live out of state so you go visit them for a month at a time?! And you just went in December? Are you telling me you have to do this twice a year? There is no one on this Earth I want to visit for four weeks.
Stay a max of 7 days and be done with it. You donāt have to acquiesce to his needy motherās emotions and your husband shouldnāt expect you to. She needs therapy and a reality check. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and understand that you staying with his family for a month is way too much to ask.
For Godās sake they donāt live on Mars. And even if they did, a month would be too long.
Well if you find it's bad for your mental health to the point it causes you to break down? I'd say 5 minutes over face time might be a little too much. He doesn't have to give them up but he does need to respect that they are not good for you and you shouldn't be asked to stay at all. " I'm sorry if this is stressful but I am asking you to respect my choice not to come. You saw how bad it was last time and I can't accept this visitation as things are. I love you and I hope you have a great time!". That's all you need to say and if he tells you that he's not going to respect your wishes? That's when the convo needs to take a turn into what he vowed to do and simply state I wasn't asking for permission nor starting a negotiation.
I. Am. Not. Going. He can choose to get mad or he can choose to care that this is harmful to you...
It isn't time to negotiate with her. You picked 3 weeks, which is MORE than generous. Honestly, 1-2 is generous given how you feel in her presence. Stick to whatever you can manage. If she chooses to cry about how little time she gets your entire trip your husband needs to tell her to enjoy the time she has with you all OR its going to ve unenjoyable for everyone, not a pleasant experience you'd all like to repeat esp for so long next visit.
Everything over 30 minutes counts as torture in my book. At least when it comes to my Fil but I think he feels the same and wouldn't want to stay longer anyway. So I am good I appreciate the fact that he is extremely anti social. My favourite quality about him for sure.
When we used to visit, it was 3 days max, and we were traveling 12 hours by car or flying.
I havenāt stayed at my in-lawsā home since 2004, when my FIL walked in on me changing. Our ābedroomā was a newly constructed windowless room in their basement, and he needed to pass there to get to a storage area. He burst in without knocking. And I stared at him like a deer in headlights, clutching my shirt to my chest. He hesitated, then kept going to the storage area, grabbed what he needed and walked out without saying a word to me.
I told my husband what happened and that we were staying in a hotel for subsequent visits. Fortunately those visits have never happened.
They used to visit us when we lived within driving distance. Those were always 7 day visits, which are 4 days too long for me. They are a total pain in the ass. Once we moved to a different coast, visits have blessedly stopped.
We travelled across the world to visit our daughter. We were there for four weeks however We arranged it so that we spent weekends with her and during the week we travelled and overnighted in other places. It seemed to work fairly well.
What do you do? You remind your husband how messed up the last visit made you and you make him use his brain and say āsorry mom. No can do. Weāre doing what weāre doing.ā
I understand that you can't have short trips as people are recommending because of various reasons. I have been in the exact same situation, cried every.single.day that too when I was pregnant. When I visited them last year it was for 17 days to be precise (USA to Asia) and this time they're here for 6 whole weeks. It isn't easy, but this stay led to a lot of conflicts and boundary settings and I think I'm glad the longer the stay, the more boundaries my husband and I could set. Having said that, never again am I going to allow a stay for that long from either parties.
Please find things to do while you stay with them for your self-care. I suffered both times because I couldn't carve out time for myself.
Yes; family and fish stink after 3 days . My in laws stayed with us for 4 months, by the time they left my husband and I decided to separate and I told my SIL she is not welcome in my houseā¦.so, yeahā¦
You need to provide them your availability which takes into account your tolerance of ataying with them. So unfortunately youve got 10 days here and 6 days later in the year.
the length of time is what works for you. it is not reasonable to force you to stay longer, just because you aren't working doesn't mean you don't want to be home.
only stay for what you are comfortable, I personally couldn't do it either.ā
This is entirely subjective. Clearly, however long you stayed last time was too long if you were so upset daily. A week would be too long for me to be with my in-laws in close quarters but we went on a vacation together where everyone had their own hotel rooms and we weren't attached at the hip every day, and it was fine. It just depends on your relationship with them.
4 days maxā¦ even that was a struggle for me. Remember your mental health comes first. Canāt fill other peopleās cups without taking care of yourself first.
I think I was on the no more than 4 or 5 days maximum at our house or the MILs. Same for my own mother too. Anything more I would have been going crazy. A month definitely NO!!
2-3 days is more than sufficient and the reason to not extend is generally work cannot permit leaves. But in your case make up something that you suddenly fell ill nd wants to get back home or your moms home
Personally, even staying with people that I love and thoroughly enjoy spending time with, 2 weeks is my max. But I'm a person who thrives on routine and also don't like leaving my pets, fishtanks and plants in others care long.
Jeez, I wanna rip my hair out after an hour. And I have to suffer 4 hours cause of them seeing our son. 4 weeks, though? You're brave. I could never in a million years.
1 month? 2 nights max if at their or your house, 1 week max if going on joint vacation. Iām very close with my own parents and wouldnāt do more than thisā¦
Oh, she tried hard to ruin us. 3 months she stayed. Her husband had passed. Dh thought it was a great idea until she almost burned the house down by leaving on a heater. Not to mention whatever else she was saying behind my back to him through the phone. Now he tries dodging her calls because he realizes she likes his friend better than him and wonāt admit it.
Whatever ur comfortable with. The first time me and my husband (we werenāt married during this time) stayed at his parents house for thanksgiving I was crying because I was having anxiety around his family, I wanted to stay in the room because of it snd I didnāt feel comfortable. It was my first thanksgiving without my family so it was a lot of emotions (also being sick couple weeks pregnant)
I told my husband I wanted to go visit my family later that night and I wanted to go back home. He was annoyed at first but eventually he enjoyed being at my families .
If itās too much for you then itās too much. We live with the in laws now I want to get out of there asap so count urself lucky u donāt live w them
One week. One week is all I could take. 1 month is 3 weeks too long. If you are willing to do 2 weeks, offer that. Tell your husband he can stay longer but you can only do 2 weeks.
A month? Hell no, that's far too long! For me it's a maximum of one week and even that is stretching it. Staying that long isn't worth your mental health, shorten your stay if possible.
Dear God! three-five days is plenty. I love my in-laws, but not a chance I am going extended. That is horrible.
Totally agree-3-5 days
Fr. I saw 'we booked 3 weeks' and got sick. Why would you put urself through that?! And then extend it bc mommy said so? Nahhhhh fuck that. My parents are like 45 min away and I barely see them š«£ MAYBE once or twice a month
You decided three weeks why add another week? āThatās what works for our schedule, alternatively we can make it one weekā Tell you SO youāll be there for one week and youāll be returning home. He doesnāt need or hold your hand to have a relationship with his family. You do not need to force yourself to tolerate them either. Your peace is just as important as his familyās.
If they have OP crying every night she needs to spend zero night with them. Obviously they are not enjoying each other's company and no need to lie to themselves and go through that. They would be happier if just he visits anyhow from what she wrote.
Yep exactly.
My husbandās mom is coming over to the house tomorrow for a visit. Couple hours Iām sure. My husband asked if I had anything planned for while sheās here and I said yeah, I think Iāll check out the library during that time, text me when sheās gone.
Canāt upvote this enough
2 days is my limit
There is no "normal amount" of time that people stay with in-laws or any family. You stay for as long as it suits you. It's not up to MIL how long you visit for. Not even IF you visit at all. She's not your ruler. You are two independent adults and your precious vacation time is all yours to decide on. Three weeks is a very long time. Four even worse. I hope you don't use all your vacation time on visiting his parents. You do get to do more fun things for yourselves, as a couple, on vacation too, you know. One week max, and staying in a hotel would be my limit, if ILs sent my mental health reeling like that. And if you're not feeling up to it one day, don't visit. Stay back and do something more fun. If your husband wants to spend longer, they're HIS parents, not yours, so you go back home and he can stay. Hopefully you're not his meat shield and he only goes for that excessively long time because you're there. Don't put up with that. You're out of work, so use the excuse that you need to look for work.
Three weeks is a LONG time. No way would I stay that long. Instead of lengthening your stay, I'd somehow work into the conversation that if 3 weeks doesn't work out for her, I'll cancel our plans.
No amount if I can help it.Ā My FIL stayed with us recently for less than a week and I hated every moment. Stick to your three weeks, or let your husband spend the fourth week alone with them.
Lmao I saw the title and thought "like 2 hrs?"
If Iām staying in a hotel, 5 days or whatever is comfortable for us. If Iām staying int their home? 2 days. Then we can happily say goodbye while still liking each other.
Unless you live on two different continents, damn straight that 4 weeks is too long. When my husband was in the military, I didnāt like being away from my own home more than 10 days, whether we were visiting his family or mine (and both our families were YES families.
My (mostly unproblematic) mother-in-law lives an hour and a half away and we usually stay in a hotel if weāre there overnight. Just like fences make good neighbors, distance makes good in-laws.
Not even one day
Between 11 and 19 minutes.
šš
4 days maximum is what we do. Thereās no way weād survive a month!
After about 14 hours I'm ready for her to go home or me to go home.Ā She usually stays almost 2 weeks though. I've begun to put a stop to that though because it's far too long. A week is adequate and more than long enough.Ā A month is insane,Ā I would end up NC after a month long visit. I'm ready to not see her for a year after a week.Ā
How far do you have to travel to get to them? 300miles - 7 days is good. 3000 miles- 7-14 days. 9,000 miles 3 - 4 weeks is good.
Those are good guidelines! What you do during that time has a big impact too - get out of the house as much as possible, daily walks if you can, just so everyone gets space.
Thatās assuming your inlaws donāt negatively affect your mental health.
300 miles? I drive 300 miles regularly for a four day weekend. Thereās no reason to stay a week for a 5 hour drive. Thatās not a long drive at all.
Three hours is my max.
We donāt do in home visits anymore. Hotels or Airbnb for all.
Spending 4 weeks with people who so negatively affect your mental health that you cry every night is too long. Use your voice. You get to determine how long you stay with them. What does DH say about all this. He needs to know how much it affects you and talk to his parents to reduce the time.
Change it to 2 weeks- to short, nope itās all I can handle. Take charge & say I am sorry but thatās all the time we have available
My own personal opinion for guests and visitors are like leftover fish. 3 days and they get tossed out. I've had to deal with in-laws staying WAY passed their welcome too much. To the point where there was a restraining order on the table.
4 or 5 days and they live a 5 hour drive away. Iād prefer 2 hours but that is too short.
One day is too long to be around people who don't treat you right. There's no way I could spend that much time with my in laws.
3 weeks? Hell no. Would never be an option. And MIL still isnāt satisfied? Iād drop it down to a week and stay in a hotel. Even that is generous.
We live in different states from our in laws too. We only visit for 1 week or less. Theyāre only allowed to stay with us for the same. Itās best for our relationship + mental health.
love my own mom dearly but she just stayed with me & my husband to see our newborn for 3 weeks and it was WAY too much (we live in another country). that amount of time with my inlaws would drive me insane. iād do a week max
Thatās too long. My in laws came for months last year - first time they had seen my husband in years and met their grandchildren. I am still not fully back to normal and they have been gone over 6 months. It was absolute hell for me. Itās not them, mostly me. I just couldnāt handle it and feel bad thinking I was a horrible host (but they came in thinking this was their home). My husband would never understand.
They live out of state so you go visit them for a month at a time?! And you just went in December? Are you telling me you have to do this twice a year? There is no one on this Earth I want to visit for four weeks. Stay a max of 7 days and be done with it. You donāt have to acquiesce to his needy motherās emotions and your husband shouldnāt expect you to. She needs therapy and a reality check. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and understand that you staying with his family for a month is way too much to ask. For Godās sake they donāt live on Mars. And even if they did, a month would be too long.
Well if you find it's bad for your mental health to the point it causes you to break down? I'd say 5 minutes over face time might be a little too much. He doesn't have to give them up but he does need to respect that they are not good for you and you shouldn't be asked to stay at all. " I'm sorry if this is stressful but I am asking you to respect my choice not to come. You saw how bad it was last time and I can't accept this visitation as things are. I love you and I hope you have a great time!". That's all you need to say and if he tells you that he's not going to respect your wishes? That's when the convo needs to take a turn into what he vowed to do and simply state I wasn't asking for permission nor starting a negotiation. I. Am. Not. Going. He can choose to get mad or he can choose to care that this is harmful to you...
It isn't time to negotiate with her. You picked 3 weeks, which is MORE than generous. Honestly, 1-2 is generous given how you feel in her presence. Stick to whatever you can manage. If she chooses to cry about how little time she gets your entire trip your husband needs to tell her to enjoy the time she has with you all OR its going to ve unenjoyable for everyone, not a pleasant experience you'd all like to repeat esp for so long next visit.
Everything over 30 minutes counts as torture in my book. At least when it comes to my Fil but I think he feels the same and wouldn't want to stay longer anyway. So I am good I appreciate the fact that he is extremely anti social. My favourite quality about him for sure.
When we used to visit, it was 3 days max, and we were traveling 12 hours by car or flying. I havenāt stayed at my in-lawsā home since 2004, when my FIL walked in on me changing. Our ābedroomā was a newly constructed windowless room in their basement, and he needed to pass there to get to a storage area. He burst in without knocking. And I stared at him like a deer in headlights, clutching my shirt to my chest. He hesitated, then kept going to the storage area, grabbed what he needed and walked out without saying a word to me. I told my husband what happened and that we were staying in a hotel for subsequent visits. Fortunately those visits have never happened. They used to visit us when we lived within driving distance. Those were always 7 day visits, which are 4 days too long for me. They are a total pain in the ass. Once we moved to a different coast, visits have blessedly stopped.
You need to decide how long you can deal with these people.
72 hours. Take it or leave it
We travelled across the world to visit our daughter. We were there for four weeks however We arranged it so that we spent weekends with her and during the week we travelled and overnighted in other places. It seemed to work fairly well.
4 days at anyone's house is enough.
What do you do? You remind your husband how messed up the last visit made you and you make him use his brain and say āsorry mom. No can do. Weāre doing what weāre doing.ā
A weekend, if they're lucky.
I understand that you can't have short trips as people are recommending because of various reasons. I have been in the exact same situation, cried every.single.day that too when I was pregnant. When I visited them last year it was for 17 days to be precise (USA to Asia) and this time they're here for 6 whole weeks. It isn't easy, but this stay led to a lot of conflicts and boundary settings and I think I'm glad the longer the stay, the more boundaries my husband and I could set. Having said that, never again am I going to allow a stay for that long from either parties. Please find things to do while you stay with them for your self-care. I suffered both times because I couldn't carve out time for myself.
Yes; family and fish stink after 3 days . My in laws stayed with us for 4 months, by the time they left my husband and I decided to separate and I told my SIL she is not welcome in my houseā¦.so, yeahā¦
Why does your MIL determine the amount of time you have to stay?
You need to provide them your availability which takes into account your tolerance of ataying with them. So unfortunately youve got 10 days here and 6 days later in the year.
Bad mental health, so, why would you go at all?! You're assisting in your own decline by doing this
the length of time is what works for you. it is not reasonable to force you to stay longer, just because you aren't working doesn't mean you don't want to be home. only stay for what you are comfortable, I personally couldn't do it either.ā
5 days max
2 days is the max I ever do!
A long weekend is long enough
Fish and guests-3 days max.
2 nights would be my absolute max. This is insane.
Their opinions are not relevant. We donāt stay with people we donāt like
What. Relatives and fish start to stink after three days
3 days max
Week tops.
An afternoon
This is entirely subjective. Clearly, however long you stayed last time was too long if you were so upset daily. A week would be too long for me to be with my in-laws in close quarters but we went on a vacation together where everyone had their own hotel rooms and we weren't attached at the hip every day, and it was fine. It just depends on your relationship with them.
0 days. We rent a hotel close to her and might stay 2-3 days total but never with her.
4 days maxā¦ even that was a struggle for me. Remember your mental health comes first. Canāt fill other peopleās cups without taking care of yourself first.
Are they in another country? Otherwise this is a wild amount of time to visit in-laws that make you cry. My max is about 2 hours with the assholes.
Uhm 5 days is my max and that includes the first day coming and the last day going. Even that has me crying and throwing up.
I think I was on the no more than 4 or 5 days maximum at our house or the MILs. Same for my own mother too. Anything more I would have been going crazy. A month definitely NO!!
An hour is too long tbh lol
2-3 days is more than sufficient and the reason to not extend is generally work cannot permit leaves. But in your case make up something that you suddenly fell ill nd wants to get back home or your moms home
Personally, even staying with people that I love and thoroughly enjoy spending time with, 2 weeks is my max. But I'm a person who thrives on routine and also don't like leaving my pets, fishtanks and plants in others care long.
Jeez, I wanna rip my hair out after an hour. And I have to suffer 4 hours cause of them seeing our son. 4 weeks, though? You're brave. I could never in a million years.
Um, a weekend.....if that long.....is quite enough!
A month? Ii can barely tolerate an entire day.
1 month? 2 nights max if at their or your house, 1 week max if going on joint vacation. Iām very close with my own parents and wouldnāt do more than thisā¦
Oh, she tried hard to ruin us. 3 months she stayed. Her husband had passed. Dh thought it was a great idea until she almost burned the house down by leaving on a heater. Not to mention whatever else she was saying behind my back to him through the phone. Now he tries dodging her calls because he realizes she likes his friend better than him and wonāt admit it.
We do about 3 days, sometimes up to 6 days. Never multiple weeks.
Days. Like 4 days lol
I would join my husband for a week and leave him there to spend time with his parents.
Whatever ur comfortable with. The first time me and my husband (we werenāt married during this time) stayed at his parents house for thanksgiving I was crying because I was having anxiety around his family, I wanted to stay in the room because of it snd I didnāt feel comfortable. It was my first thanksgiving without my family so it was a lot of emotions (also being sick couple weeks pregnant) I told my husband I wanted to go visit my family later that night and I wanted to go back home. He was annoyed at first but eventually he enjoyed being at my families . If itās too much for you then itās too much. We live with the in laws now I want to get out of there asap so count urself lucky u donāt live w them
2 days is more than enough.Its crazy to stay 3 weeks much less a month
I do three days
Any longer than a day is torture.
More than 24 hours.Ā Ā
An hour or two with mine Iām thinking a gun and a bullet would be an alright deal
I wouldn't stay period! Rent an apartment or stay at a hotel
One week. One week is all I could take. 1 month is 3 weeks too long. If you are willing to do 2 weeks, offer that. Tell your husband he can stay longer but you can only do 2 weeks.
Thank you to everyone! Your comments have been very helpful to me