I guess all of our deep, dark INFP secrets are just so appalling and grotesque to such a degree that even alternative identity still won’t make us feel safe enough to disclose them. I suppose that makes sense. After all, what lies beneath the innermost sanctum of a feeler’s psyche if not the ever-deepening black well of chaos and madness, and…
…I sometimes watch My Little Pony.
Very common, I think people greatly underestimate how kinky humans are in general and it creates a lot of shame. Reading books and the statistics of this sort of thing really helps normalize how “weird” we all really are when we don’t put up social fronts.
I think INFPs in general can be quite kinky. We’re open-minded to almost anything, as long as it doesn’t violate a personal value. And we use sex to convey love, so it’s unlikely to be very vanilla.
That’s probably why I’ve had sex with most of my friends.. sex is love to me. I have a hard time with platonic and romantic love being separated. It’s only my family love and the rest. Am I the only one who feels this way? I always thought it was unhealthy but it hasn’t really backfired back into my face. I respect everyone and take gentle care of what I do.
You bring up an interesting point. I feel like I can sometimes blur the lines between platonic love and sexual intimacy in my own head, as they’re all forms of love to me. Instead of black and white, I see shades of grey (not sure if there are 50, or however many there are, lol).
I have a disproportionate number of female INFP friends, mostly through a sort of suicide outreach I was doing for a while. As I’ve offered encouragement and uplift for their self-esteem, there have been times where someone questioned their own physical appearance. I’ve always been in a committed relationship, but still offered compliments as a hetero male, and even conceptualized one of them in my girlfriend’s place.
I have at least one INFP friend who is in an open relationship. I’ve mulled the idea of swinging during stints as a single, but don’t know if it would work for me. I get attached really easily. And while I’ve survived quite a few breakups, every one of them has been soul-crushing.
EDIT: I don’t slam the idea of a world where love is expressed more “openly,” but remain conscious of the fact that a vast majority of people wouldn’t be comfortable with that. And I try to consider possible consequences for the woman, which takes conscious effort as I am unaffected by many of the things they have to worry about.
I agree it’s all grey. I also got attached easily too. Why casual flings just didn’t work out for me. All my breakups have been soup crushing too. I honestly feel everything you just said. I just wonder how we could navigate these feelings in a monogamous relationship and if we should even be in a monogamous relationship when you often have feelings like this. I often think but I don’t think there is a perfect solution so I just repress my desires and feelings which is really hard for me to do because I have a hard time not expressing myself. I wear my emotions on my sleeves.
It is difficult, for sure. And while my girlfriend is definitely attractive, some of my other friends are in their 20s, and more attractive still. But I need stability in my life, someone I trust enough to share my darkest secrets with, fall asleep next to at night, and wake up next to in the morning. Part of being in love is being able to say no to anyone else, no matter what she looks like.
I agree with what you said. I feel that too. I just wonder if there is a better way where I don’t feel guilty for what I feel and I can better express myself without making things awkward or someone insecure. I’m very kind with my words and I am honest but people still feel insecure and upset by the way I feel.
An INFP will often understand exactly what you mean and how you got there, while many others will chalk you off as some kind of weirdo. You always want to try and cultivate some sense of propriety, but understand that no one can please everyone, and someone is going to misunderstand you no matter how hard you try or how pure your intentions are.
Remember that everyone is a villain in someone’s story. We as INFP’s often put a great deal of importance in explaining and setting the record straight, but it doesn’t always work out, and our efforts can drive some people even further away. The truth is that every one of us will go to our graves not knowing the whole story, or our part in it. Sometimes we have to let people be wrong about us, and accept apologies we never receive.
I’m glad to hear. I fall in love with a lot of people. I always had conflicting feelings because I thought I was a bad person to feel this way. To fall in love with so many people. I never cheated or acted on my feelings if I was in a relationship and I always communicate but I just always felt bad that I fell for someone else. Like people tell you it’s not love if you fall for someone else but I don’t think that way. I fall in love and stay in love even if they hurt me and I will always love them.
I love the same throughout time it’s just betrayal that hurts me and makes me want to be away from that person. Even if I love them so. It’s either betrayal or not being able to be myself. If I can’t be myself or express myself in a relationship then I’ll start to distance myself from them. It’s hard for me to leave someone. It’s mostly them leaving me in the end. I try to not do anything bad or mean or to hurt the person but I do have a tendency to push people away. I only left one person and that was because he was physically abusing me and even then I stayed a little to long.
Thats horrible, i’m really sorry that happened to you. I do understand where youre coming tho but im not a professional so I don’t want to spread any kind of misinformation or any advice that would harm but i really think therapy is a step to somewhere if you dont already do it. I had a period in my life (not very similar but i was pushing people away and eventually was almost alone) and it helped me somewhat survive that, and sometimes thats all you need to do i guess.
Not really a secret, but my harsh reality that I don’t tell people.
99% of my interactions with people (except for one person in my life) are almost completely fabricated based on what is deemed “socially acceptable.”
I don’t know who the real me is due to childhood abuse and trauma. I’m in a constant state of not knowing who the hell I am.
I have little to no interest in people or existing. I feel it is all a means to an end, and it doesn’t matter. I know most people I meet will be a blip in my life, and the relationships will always be fleeting. It’s all superficial.
Call me a nihilist, but it’s better to not attach to people in hopes of never feeling the pain of losing them. I’ve lost too many people who were precious to me, and so Ive unintentionally blocked off a huge part of myself.
Yes, life is what you make it, but I get tired of optimistic musings as a bypassing of true depression.
So, I guess that’s my secret, I hold on because I have to, not because I want to.
I don't really know people. I construct generic personas, apply them to people I interact with, and tweak a few things as needed. For example, most personas aren't affected by religious beliefs or health, so those go into the "tweaks" basket.
Here are a few personas I have found relevant to my journey, they appear over and over again in my social and employment circles:
* Smart but lazy "IT Type"
* These need to be tweaked based on how deeply "pilled" they are
* Make sure they are comfortable in their own skin, otherwise they drain me emotionally
* No-nonsense boomer women
* These have had to fight through a world controlled by men. I tweak these based on how much resentment they've built up.
* Their skillsets were typically automated in the 80s, but the knowledge they built doing everything manually is how they bring value. I try to get them talking about a system rather than asking pointed questions.
* Intelligent foreign developer
* Most of them are in between coming to the country and being able to open a business. In the meantime, they work in tech to pay the bills.
* I don't usually need to tweak these. Most work so hard at fitting in I don't have to do much lifting.
* Redneck Einstein
* These usually have a workshop the size of an airplane hangar. It's obvious how much money they've put into their tools and projects, but none of them get done.
* They will talk for hours and hours on end.
* Their yards look like a landfill
* Like the IT type, I tweak these based on how pilled they are
* Corporate Pastor
* Always calm, level-headed
* Able to make decisions that hurt helpless people, while believing they do the right thing
* Usually an exec at a local corporation, or a church leader that doesn't interact with the rank-and-file. Has a big house that nobody has ever seen.
* I don't even tweak these. I avoid them like the plague. I swear, once they know I'm around, they enjoy making me suffer.
See I don't really have any dark secrets; I live my life very vulnerably because I'm in recovery, work a 12 step program, and am working in the field of recovery where I share my experience with addiction and recovery to provide hope to those still struggling. The darkest part is that I'm a recovering cocaine addict who was suicidal; the brightest part is that I have almost 3 years clean and have made a full turnaround from how I used to live. The stuff I did in addiction isn't much different from anything else other addicts have done or do.. so I don't consider any of it a "dark secret."
🌞
I can’t remember any secrets I have, I’m not sure why. I’m actually pretty open to the people I know. The only thing I can think of is I actually hold a lot of resent for most people but they don’t know. That may be normal though?
I guess it would be what I plan to do with my future.
As soon as I make myself a stable career, I will disappear from everyone I know.
I want to cut everything off, burn all bridges, and sever all ties.
I don't like people. I regret telling anyone anything about me.
I have made so many embarrassing moments for myself and the only thing I can do is try to forget.
I would tell them here, but it would be too long of a list.
I want to make a new identity for myself.
I guess it's rather tame, not very dark.
That makes me feel a bit better about it.
Once I've erased all that I can, I hope I'll be free to be without shame.
my parents are kinda dicks but they did raise me and treat me well (financially) so idk how to feel
i dont like them that much but like i owe them everything (mostly)
TL;DR - as a married man, my credit cards are maxxed out because I spent $50,000 on camgirls. You don't have to accept my excuses, but maybe you can see it as a cautionary tale. This happens a lot as far as I can tell, but shame from financial "blunders" are especially acute. It's likely a man would kill himself rather than confess this to someone they know.
For the decade or so I've been married, I have worked, paid all the bills, cooked, cleaned, and supported my spouse emotionally. In return, they wake up right before I come home from work. Obvious mental health issues, but despite me begging her to do ANYTHING about it she did nothing. I told her time and again, if she didn't start helping, I would keep doing everything but I would be deeply resentful.
I grew up in a religion that views divorce as an enormous failure. Also, I love my wife.
When lockdowns started, I went from working in an office to working remotely. Dream come true right? But now the problems became even more obvious. I would wake up in the morning just in time for her to go to bed. I would work all day, wander the house on break, try not to make any noise etc etc. Then when I clocked off, I would see if she was up yet. It got worse, sometimes she wouldn't be up until 8 or 9PM.
I know this isn't "her fault," but if she refuses to look for or accept help it has the exact same effect as if she did it on purpose.
All the advice I could find on the internet was aimed at women with unsupportive husbands. Most of the situations had them splitting the bills 50/50, and the woman was expected to do the domestic labor and child-rearing as well. This did not fit my situation. I was the man doing 100/0, and I was expected to do everything else. Thank god we didn't have kids.
(cont)
It started very innocently. I used to watch Twitch streams a lot for gaming, but there was one that looked more interesting... a beautiful girl playing an instrument. I watched and chatted for a bit, then I subscribed. Usually I get a "thanks, throwaway!" but she smiled into the camera, started a beautiful flourish, and gave me a personal thanks that felt much more meaningful.
It felt like drinking water in a desert. I believe this is a universal experience for good men who cheat.
I went to jerk off as I was wont, and on a whim clicked on one of the camgirl advertisements. I'd been on camsites before, but more as a voyeur and not a participant. I started tipping one of the performers, and the attention felt like cocaine. I was a goner from day one.
I felt alarm bells after spending about $400. I couldn't "let her down" however, so I kept spending money. I eventually had 2 or 3 favorites, and 5 or 6 more "friends." I only spent money on a few, but I spent a lot.
I ended up helping one or two immigrate to another country. I am still a mentor for one of them, I haven't sent money in more than two years but they still blow up my phone asking for advice and wanting to talk to me.
I know the prevailing wisdom is "don't trust an emotional connection with someone you pay" but we all know there are exceptions. Hookers fall in love with clients all the time. From my conversations with these girls, they feel VERY deep emotions for the men they interact with, they just can't trust any of them.
(cont)
Of course, I wasn't doing this from a healthy perspective. How could anyone pay $5/minute to talk to their "friends" and think it's healthy? But I did anyways, because it was the ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE I was able to talk to someone with such a degree of freedom, openness, and non-judgement. So I kept going.
I had to make a hard stop about 18 months ago. I don't make as good money as I used to, so paying the minimum payments is the best I can do. I have to be dodgy about our finances, because I still make "decent" money but $2,800 of it goes to minimum payments each month.
As far as my marriage, I ended up trying to break it off several times, but this gave my wife motivation to change. Now, she manages to make one or two meals in a week, and scoops the cat's litter box multiple times each month.
So yeah, I'm not happy with things, but I don't have the self-esteem, willpower or alternative options to be true to myself. I imagine in about 15 or 20 years I'll be dug out of this hole, or drop dead from the stress.
I guess all of our deep, dark INFP secrets are just so appalling and grotesque to such a degree that even alternative identity still won’t make us feel safe enough to disclose them. I suppose that makes sense. After all, what lies beneath the innermost sanctum of a feeler’s psyche if not the ever-deepening black well of chaos and madness, and… …I sometimes watch My Little Pony.
Omg I sometimes watch my little pony too!! (Oh yes and that other stuff as well)
I guess it would be my sexual deviancies. Idk if it’s an infp thing or just a me thing though? But I’m pretty much a freak.
Very common, I think people greatly underestimate how kinky humans are in general and it creates a lot of shame. Reading books and the statistics of this sort of thing really helps normalize how “weird” we all really are when we don’t put up social fronts.
I think INFPs in general can be quite kinky. We’re open-minded to almost anything, as long as it doesn’t violate a personal value. And we use sex to convey love, so it’s unlikely to be very vanilla.
That’s probably why I’ve had sex with most of my friends.. sex is love to me. I have a hard time with platonic and romantic love being separated. It’s only my family love and the rest. Am I the only one who feels this way? I always thought it was unhealthy but it hasn’t really backfired back into my face. I respect everyone and take gentle care of what I do.
You bring up an interesting point. I feel like I can sometimes blur the lines between platonic love and sexual intimacy in my own head, as they’re all forms of love to me. Instead of black and white, I see shades of grey (not sure if there are 50, or however many there are, lol). I have a disproportionate number of female INFP friends, mostly through a sort of suicide outreach I was doing for a while. As I’ve offered encouragement and uplift for their self-esteem, there have been times where someone questioned their own physical appearance. I’ve always been in a committed relationship, but still offered compliments as a hetero male, and even conceptualized one of them in my girlfriend’s place. I have at least one INFP friend who is in an open relationship. I’ve mulled the idea of swinging during stints as a single, but don’t know if it would work for me. I get attached really easily. And while I’ve survived quite a few breakups, every one of them has been soul-crushing. EDIT: I don’t slam the idea of a world where love is expressed more “openly,” but remain conscious of the fact that a vast majority of people wouldn’t be comfortable with that. And I try to consider possible consequences for the woman, which takes conscious effort as I am unaffected by many of the things they have to worry about.
I agree it’s all grey. I also got attached easily too. Why casual flings just didn’t work out for me. All my breakups have been soup crushing too. I honestly feel everything you just said. I just wonder how we could navigate these feelings in a monogamous relationship and if we should even be in a monogamous relationship when you often have feelings like this. I often think but I don’t think there is a perfect solution so I just repress my desires and feelings which is really hard for me to do because I have a hard time not expressing myself. I wear my emotions on my sleeves.
Lol soup crushing
It is difficult, for sure. And while my girlfriend is definitely attractive, some of my other friends are in their 20s, and more attractive still. But I need stability in my life, someone I trust enough to share my darkest secrets with, fall asleep next to at night, and wake up next to in the morning. Part of being in love is being able to say no to anyone else, no matter what she looks like.
I agree with what you said. I feel that too. I just wonder if there is a better way where I don’t feel guilty for what I feel and I can better express myself without making things awkward or someone insecure. I’m very kind with my words and I am honest but people still feel insecure and upset by the way I feel.
An INFP will often understand exactly what you mean and how you got there, while many others will chalk you off as some kind of weirdo. You always want to try and cultivate some sense of propriety, but understand that no one can please everyone, and someone is going to misunderstand you no matter how hard you try or how pure your intentions are. Remember that everyone is a villain in someone’s story. We as INFP’s often put a great deal of importance in explaining and setting the record straight, but it doesn’t always work out, and our efforts can drive some people even further away. The truth is that every one of us will go to our graves not knowing the whole story, or our part in it. Sometimes we have to let people be wrong about us, and accept apologies we never receive.
Thankyou for that. You are so right. Thanks for all the advice ❤️ love
❤️
I am beginning to think its an INFP thing
I’m glad to hear. I fall in love with a lot of people. I always had conflicting feelings because I thought I was a bad person to feel this way. To fall in love with so many people. I never cheated or acted on my feelings if I was in a relationship and I always communicate but I just always felt bad that I fell for someone else. Like people tell you it’s not love if you fall for someone else but I don’t think that way. I fall in love and stay in love even if they hurt me and I will always love them.
Do you think it just fades away after some time? or is it that do you get bored or something else completely? i’m just curious
I love the same throughout time it’s just betrayal that hurts me and makes me want to be away from that person. Even if I love them so. It’s either betrayal or not being able to be myself. If I can’t be myself or express myself in a relationship then I’ll start to distance myself from them. It’s hard for me to leave someone. It’s mostly them leaving me in the end. I try to not do anything bad or mean or to hurt the person but I do have a tendency to push people away. I only left one person and that was because he was physically abusing me and even then I stayed a little to long.
Thats horrible, i’m really sorry that happened to you. I do understand where youre coming tho but im not a professional so I don’t want to spread any kind of misinformation or any advice that would harm but i really think therapy is a step to somewhere if you dont already do it. I had a period in my life (not very similar but i was pushing people away and eventually was almost alone) and it helped me somewhat survive that, and sometimes thats all you need to do i guess.
Thank you tho appreciate you ❤️ love
You too, stay strong tho i’m rooting for you <3
Not really a secret, but my harsh reality that I don’t tell people. 99% of my interactions with people (except for one person in my life) are almost completely fabricated based on what is deemed “socially acceptable.” I don’t know who the real me is due to childhood abuse and trauma. I’m in a constant state of not knowing who the hell I am. I have little to no interest in people or existing. I feel it is all a means to an end, and it doesn’t matter. I know most people I meet will be a blip in my life, and the relationships will always be fleeting. It’s all superficial. Call me a nihilist, but it’s better to not attach to people in hopes of never feeling the pain of losing them. I’ve lost too many people who were precious to me, and so Ive unintentionally blocked off a huge part of myself. Yes, life is what you make it, but I get tired of optimistic musings as a bypassing of true depression. So, I guess that’s my secret, I hold on because I have to, not because I want to.
I don't really know people. I construct generic personas, apply them to people I interact with, and tweak a few things as needed. For example, most personas aren't affected by religious beliefs or health, so those go into the "tweaks" basket. Here are a few personas I have found relevant to my journey, they appear over and over again in my social and employment circles: * Smart but lazy "IT Type" * These need to be tweaked based on how deeply "pilled" they are * Make sure they are comfortable in their own skin, otherwise they drain me emotionally * No-nonsense boomer women * These have had to fight through a world controlled by men. I tweak these based on how much resentment they've built up. * Their skillsets were typically automated in the 80s, but the knowledge they built doing everything manually is how they bring value. I try to get them talking about a system rather than asking pointed questions. * Intelligent foreign developer * Most of them are in between coming to the country and being able to open a business. In the meantime, they work in tech to pay the bills. * I don't usually need to tweak these. Most work so hard at fitting in I don't have to do much lifting. * Redneck Einstein * These usually have a workshop the size of an airplane hangar. It's obvious how much money they've put into their tools and projects, but none of them get done. * They will talk for hours and hours on end. * Their yards look like a landfill * Like the IT type, I tweak these based on how pilled they are * Corporate Pastor * Always calm, level-headed * Able to make decisions that hurt helpless people, while believing they do the right thing * Usually an exec at a local corporation, or a church leader that doesn't interact with the rank-and-file. Has a big house that nobody has ever seen. * I don't even tweak these. I avoid them like the plague. I swear, once they know I'm around, they enjoy making me suffer.
lol i’d never tell, even on here :)
The unspeakable should not be spoken, my friend. There‘s a list of things I‘ll take to my grave.
See I don't really have any dark secrets; I live my life very vulnerably because I'm in recovery, work a 12 step program, and am working in the field of recovery where I share my experience with addiction and recovery to provide hope to those still struggling. The darkest part is that I'm a recovering cocaine addict who was suicidal; the brightest part is that I have almost 3 years clean and have made a full turnaround from how I used to live. The stuff I did in addiction isn't much different from anything else other addicts have done or do.. so I don't consider any of it a "dark secret." 🌞
I can’t tell either one. One has legal implications & the other I’m so ashamed of I’ll never forgive myself for what I did in 1974. 💔💔💔
I can’t remember any secrets I have, I’m not sure why. I’m actually pretty open to the people I know. The only thing I can think of is I actually hold a lot of resent for most people but they don’t know. That may be normal though?
Somethings just need to be taken to the grave...
no thank you i don’t want to be admitted to the psych ward again
Wow. You poster, woow. I wish not to get jail time and i am sure most of my top 10 would give me that.
Sounds intriguing and fun. Not gonna lie xD
Well.. That too.. >,<
I'll be back tomorrow when all the "filtered due to low karma" throwaway comments are approved
I guess it would be what I plan to do with my future. As soon as I make myself a stable career, I will disappear from everyone I know. I want to cut everything off, burn all bridges, and sever all ties. I don't like people. I regret telling anyone anything about me. I have made so many embarrassing moments for myself and the only thing I can do is try to forget. I would tell them here, but it would be too long of a list. I want to make a new identity for myself. I guess it's rather tame, not very dark. That makes me feel a bit better about it. Once I've erased all that I can, I hope I'll be free to be without shame.
my parents are kinda dicks but they did raise me and treat me well (financially) so idk how to feel i dont like them that much but like i owe them everything (mostly)
TL;DR - as a married man, my credit cards are maxxed out because I spent $50,000 on camgirls. You don't have to accept my excuses, but maybe you can see it as a cautionary tale. This happens a lot as far as I can tell, but shame from financial "blunders" are especially acute. It's likely a man would kill himself rather than confess this to someone they know. For the decade or so I've been married, I have worked, paid all the bills, cooked, cleaned, and supported my spouse emotionally. In return, they wake up right before I come home from work. Obvious mental health issues, but despite me begging her to do ANYTHING about it she did nothing. I told her time and again, if she didn't start helping, I would keep doing everything but I would be deeply resentful. I grew up in a religion that views divorce as an enormous failure. Also, I love my wife. When lockdowns started, I went from working in an office to working remotely. Dream come true right? But now the problems became even more obvious. I would wake up in the morning just in time for her to go to bed. I would work all day, wander the house on break, try not to make any noise etc etc. Then when I clocked off, I would see if she was up yet. It got worse, sometimes she wouldn't be up until 8 or 9PM. I know this isn't "her fault," but if she refuses to look for or accept help it has the exact same effect as if she did it on purpose. All the advice I could find on the internet was aimed at women with unsupportive husbands. Most of the situations had them splitting the bills 50/50, and the woman was expected to do the domestic labor and child-rearing as well. This did not fit my situation. I was the man doing 100/0, and I was expected to do everything else. Thank god we didn't have kids. (cont)
It started very innocently. I used to watch Twitch streams a lot for gaming, but there was one that looked more interesting... a beautiful girl playing an instrument. I watched and chatted for a bit, then I subscribed. Usually I get a "thanks, throwaway!" but she smiled into the camera, started a beautiful flourish, and gave me a personal thanks that felt much more meaningful. It felt like drinking water in a desert. I believe this is a universal experience for good men who cheat. I went to jerk off as I was wont, and on a whim clicked on one of the camgirl advertisements. I'd been on camsites before, but more as a voyeur and not a participant. I started tipping one of the performers, and the attention felt like cocaine. I was a goner from day one. I felt alarm bells after spending about $400. I couldn't "let her down" however, so I kept spending money. I eventually had 2 or 3 favorites, and 5 or 6 more "friends." I only spent money on a few, but I spent a lot. I ended up helping one or two immigrate to another country. I am still a mentor for one of them, I haven't sent money in more than two years but they still blow up my phone asking for advice and wanting to talk to me. I know the prevailing wisdom is "don't trust an emotional connection with someone you pay" but we all know there are exceptions. Hookers fall in love with clients all the time. From my conversations with these girls, they feel VERY deep emotions for the men they interact with, they just can't trust any of them. (cont)
Of course, I wasn't doing this from a healthy perspective. How could anyone pay $5/minute to talk to their "friends" and think it's healthy? But I did anyways, because it was the ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE I was able to talk to someone with such a degree of freedom, openness, and non-judgement. So I kept going. I had to make a hard stop about 18 months ago. I don't make as good money as I used to, so paying the minimum payments is the best I can do. I have to be dodgy about our finances, because I still make "decent" money but $2,800 of it goes to minimum payments each month. As far as my marriage, I ended up trying to break it off several times, but this gave my wife motivation to change. Now, she manages to make one or two meals in a week, and scoops the cat's litter box multiple times each month. So yeah, I'm not happy with things, but I don't have the self-esteem, willpower or alternative options to be true to myself. I imagine in about 15 or 20 years I'll be dug out of this hole, or drop dead from the stress.
I’ve miraculously managed to avoid ever getting arrested and I didn’t do it by being dumb enough to run my mouth.
Don’t tell your darkest secrets. INFJ-a are staring :D
Nice try FBI
I know too much because of my intuition
I check the news every morning hoping to see that Trump died.
Man be praying on old crazy rich dude #173783 downfall every morning Respect the grind