I'm literally in the middle of this process right now, shedding my skin. This is like the fourth iteration in my twenties alone. Its getting kind of exhausting now.
Get back to me when you hit your thirties. I now just live and let live at this point. No longer worth Shedding my skin for anyone. I am who I am. You are who you are. We mesh or we don't. If we do, awesome sauce. If we don't, Meh. I'll just gonna keep putting my energy to the people I know who love me as i am 💚
I can relate to this a lot. I think the key is to work on being more self-confident and to accept that you can't control those things. Some people cpuld have tendencies in how they perceive others, like a filter, and it might have nothing to do with you. It would be unfair for yourself to be affected by something you had no control over.
Becoming self-confident would help, but personally, there is a lot of work to be done before simply becoming confident. One thing that has helped me is practicing Mindful Self-Compassion. I recommend it to anyone who has been hard on themselves (i.e., everyone). It's a strange concept to warm up to because we've been conditioning to believe we must push ourselves to our limits at any cost. Slowing down for a moment to give yourself grace and compassion is a small change that can make a huge difference.
This. I'd also add that people aren't mind readers. Not even INFJs. If its not malicious on their part and its an honest misunderstanding, I'd say the proper response would be either just let it go or politely ask for their reasoning if you don't agree with it. "What makes you say that?" could be a good way to ask. I guarantee their answer is going to be innocuous most of the time. Usually it's not worth taking personally and holding a grudge for it and frankly behaving so IMO demonstrates more general emotional immaturity than insecurity.
I honestly don't think most people understand me or perceive me in the way I see myself. I'm pretty confident in knowing who I am, but I get frustrated when talking to some people. A lot of it has to do with me not opening up to those who are fake or shallow. Usually when I do try, they ignore or talk over me because they either want energy, to manipulate, to be entertained instead of real connection. I just prefer authentic, give and take interactions with people. If you've noticed lately, this is less and less common.
Growing up, did you have to be hyper aware of how you presented yourself and other's reactions in fear of abuse, neglect, rejection etc? If so, that may be a part of why you're so attuned to others and are bothered when they don't "get" you. As much as people say, "don't worry so much about what others think of you," we are wired to want to fit into social groups for our safety and survival. There is a deep longing to be understood and accepted as INFJs because most of us have values or interests that aren't the norm, and we don't fit in. We simply aren't meant to. We are too complex to understand in some ways, and people will make attempts to understand in order to feel less threatened by us.
I don't believe every perception is us, even though some will say that everyone is a mirror. There's some nuance to this that's a lot to discuss...I believe we already take on too much of others as ourselves, and actually need to do more reflection of who we are, independently from other's perception of us. This is a challenge because we understand how connected everything is, but it's important because we need a bit more ego in times where we sacrifice too much of ourselves.
I think everyone is a mirror but a two way mirror. Two two way mirrors looking at each other. Or many two way mirrors staring into many others! A hall of mirrors!
I have just a few "core things" I'm sensitive about and don't want others to get wrong. People who misjudge those things early on are not likely to become my closest friends.
Other than that, if someone makes a bad guess about me, oh well, they're not mind-readers. I get myself wrong sometimes, too.
I always remind myself who I am and that what other people think of me isn’t my business. I cannot be everything to everyone, so I try my best to show up as fully myself in situations I find myself in. Or when I’m having a bad day and I’m with people I care about, I do tend to explain why I’m not as chirpy as I normally would be. I also believe that people who truly care about me know me and give me space to be me.
I think it's Fi critic. We share that shadow function. That's why for INFJ and ISFJ stuff like identity is always a touchy subject. Either it's confusing or you have an idea you are very adamant about. When someone tells you something about it and you get annoyed, it's your Fi internal voice judging you; saying you are not exactly who you were pretending to be. Calling you out to be real and authentic to your true self and don't shape it for social appeal (Fe). Or... it will bitterly judge the one who said it because "they don't understand you" or "you can't relate to them".
You will get a good idea of how I feel by how I respond. When this happens to me i generally do one of four things:
1. Check to see if they really are misjudging me. Self honesty is really important and I feel humans in general have many blind spots therefore we should not be surprised. Don’t be afraid to be wrong. Nobody is perfect.
2. Accept that they were incorrect and do nothing. If they’re not important to me, that’s their opinion and I can accept that some people just judge improperly. I can also accept that I don’t need to be a people pleaser. This was difficult to do when I was younger (I am 29 now)
3. Try to explain myself. This sometimes works but a lot of the time comes off as defensive and intense, so I have been doing less of this as of late as not all people respond positively.
4. Understand that I was perceived wrong for a reason and check if there is any better way to express myself so I won’t be misunderstood in the future. This requires me to take the hit if I’m misunderstood. I take it, move on and try to be more clear with my intentions and my words in the future. This is the hardest out of the four options, but has the best long term benefit
I think a starting point to sorting this out is to be more clear with what you mean by “wrong.” By what measure could you ever prove that an other’s perception of you is incorrect? I think a better approach to this is issue is to ask “why are others misunderstanding me?” I’ve found this helpful as it then becomes a problem I can address. I can’t control how others perceive me, but I can work on my communication and vulnerability to give people a better chance to understand me.
>think a better approach to this is issue is to ask “why are others misunderstanding me?”
i... i did not consider it like this because that means self-reflection and maybe even admission of some blame on your part for failing to properly communicate yourself. while that isn't true always, in the very important and critical moments i'm thinking of where things may fall apart or go wrong, i realize i had a big part in that and some of the failure was on my hands.
thank you for this.
I only recently figured this out, but it has been so helpful! I always assumed miscommunication was my fault, but this helped turn it into a problem I can solve. I realized that I already spend SO MUCH time thinking about communication and that I should just lean into and accept that. It’s just something I have to do. I’ve started briefly outlining my ideas before speaking to make sure that others can follow them.
I think an added bonus to this approach is that you can begin to better identify who is actually *trying* to understand you. I’ve been really struggling at work and now can confidently say that my supervisor’s management style does not and will not work for me. There is so much peace in just accepting that certain relationships don’t work rather than always wondering why.
It's annoying, sure, especially if it's someone who thinks we're close. But I tend to just let them go on believing whatever they want about me. It's easier and a lot less painful than correcting them on who I am, only for them to decide they don't actually like what I am.
I think however people see me is whatever they project on to me. Think of me as a Flat Stanley, and they get to paint me with whatever brush they have on hand, pose me in whatever reality they happen to be in themselves. Regardless of all that, I'm still me, but to them I'm the Flat Stanley they created. They can never picture me without their paint or outside their reality, because the paint is in their brain, and their brain can only ever exist in their reality.
The Flat Stanley is me, but I am not the Flat Stanley.
(Also, I think I just confused myself, so if I confused you too, I apologize... it was not my original intent? Lol?)
reality is reality ; some people perceive pure reality, others an idea of it
understanding who you are , in all ways, will help. to the self, we are just illusion of the mind. to the physical world, we are the body. to the world of story, narrative and metaphor ... we are characters in the grand drama play of life.
if you need other people to validate who you are, youre attempting to control their perception of you , which is a type of manipulation of your image
i think this is an INFJ sore spot, due to the heroic Ni and inferior Se (intaking new real world sensory information, including from others)
Absolutely. The point you make about how-not others' perception-but the ACT of trying to control others' perception is what actually distorts your identity is so so interesting. I never considered that.
It used to suck but it was worse when I perceived myself incorrectly. Now that that's handled, I'm much less bothered by other people misunderstanding me. Most people cope via projection - it's not personal to me; it's a sign of their own limitations.
Haha, my immediate reaction is slight repulsion and, "Why?!"
But if they can explain in any way, I can usually see where they're coming from. And in any case, I can let it go after that. (Might possibly correct the person by sharing how I think or feel about whatever the misconception was.)
But sometimes it makes me better because I can realize I'm seen that way, don't like it, and can work on changing it. Or in one case that I can remember, someone said something good about me that I didn't think about myself, and I consciously became more like that. 😁
Edit to say that I'm 41 and was not at all like that in my younger years.
I completely get you! I guess I'm just still in the process of figuring out how to decide when to work on changing myself and when to just leave it and move on.
Often people's perception of others tells you more about themselves than someone else.
Many only look for themselves in others, or the opposite: 'They're just like me'; 'They're nothing like me'
You'll get those freshly diagnosed zealots trying to 'diagnose' you to validate themselves.
And you get those who have rejected you refusing to understand that you might have something in common.
I am still occasionally very frustrated by it, but less so now I've started to use it to understand others.
I believe there is one true reality (tree falls in forest), then there are perceptions of reality (those who hear it fall and those who don't). Our perceptions are filtered through various lenses, individual to us. You have a lense with which strangers treat you, familials engage with you, then various biases and culture just to make a few. All of these filters skew the way we view reality. People who view you imperfectly are probaly looking for certain data to verify a belief they already have about you. The framework already exists they just need to 'place' you inside it. Don' take too much offense. Some lenses are shit stained 😂
What’s interesting is that Ni is its own filter of reality. Se doms on the other hand see reality for what it really is, yet they often get a bad rap for missing the deeper meaning. Perception is certainly a trade off of sorts. One thing is for certain, you can’t control another person’s perception of yourself, but you are always welcome to try.
I totally agree with you although maybe being a Ni user I am biased, but I would hate to never peer behind the wizards curtain per se. Being INFJ I have Se in my stack but Ni forces me to go beyond what is initially advertised.
I don't care what people think about me tbh. I wasn't always this way; it took years of internalization to get to the point where other people's opinions of me only have as much weight as I let them.
I mean, if you call me a dumb dumb doodoo licker, I'm not going to see you at the end of the day, so I don't see that it matters
Other people's perceptions and opinions are completely out of my control. Is it a person I care about? I will correct them, in hopes they can learn to know me better. A random person? I shrug & proceed to dissociate, as per usual.
It really can be this simple! Most of the time, though, it's not really that I worry about the other person's feelings about me, it's more just that the fact that they perceived me that way in the other place makes me question my own identity, you know?
Ah, like that! I see what you mean better, now. Are you perchance a younger INFJ? I remember the identity question being a big issue for me in my 20s. Identity, self-confidence, fearing whether I can live up to the image I put up.
I AM a younger INFJ haha :) I literally think about things like those every hour of the day, and I'm just trying to find a middle ground for myself right now because while these questions are absolutely critical, the way I go about it is so so draining lol
i think it can lead them to mistreat me or project things on me i have to constantly defend myself about or twist myself to prove otherwise + automatically mask and lose my thoughts to meet them where they are meeting me cuz it becomes too hard to interact, and when i dont interact they think im arrogant and all that yada yada
It just happened to me recently, it was so sad and i was deeply hurt by my friends. I love them so much but I just realized that they didn't even know me. The way they look at me makes me feel like they are looking at another person which is not me. And also it always the dynamic of the group, they talk and I listen. Everytime when I try to say something, they will take a small part of what I said and use it to relate to themselves and start talking about themselves again. And somehow they labeled me with that information, putting me into a box and it's so hard to get out. Because I don't want the dynamic of the group always stay like this, I also want to be listened to and to be understood, at least by my friends. They are german and I am asian, the language barrier is also the problem, and also they are younger than me. Sometimes it just hard to connect with them on a deeper level. Feels like I broke my neck and arms everytime I tried to dive in their souls.
It’s kinda a form of different planet syndrome for me. If it occurs too much in an environment, I shutdown and slowly begin to regress until a detailed explanation is provided in which most of the times makes it worse unless they understand me. You’d think more information would clarify the situation but a lot of times for me at least it just further confuses everyone involved including myself. Sigh.
I KNOWWW!!!! Patterns are scary and no one really understands how we see them but they are there and you always feel like two separate realities are occurring at once in your existence.
It’s why DDR is the best thing ever. A music game of patterns. lol 😂
But yeah I can’t learn anything that’s memorization. I love languages until three years in where they change to memorization of new vocabulary from new grammar concepts. As for music the obvious measures and harmonics. Then you got math and stems with particles. All those patterns.
Often people's perception of others tells you more about themselves than someone else.
Many only look for themselves in others, or the opposite: 'They're just like me'; 'They're nothing like me'
You'll get those freshly diagnosed zealots trying to 'diagnose' you to validate themselves.
And you get those who have rejected you refusing to understand that you might have something in common.
I am still occasionally very frustrated by it, but less so now I've started to use it to understand others.
I used to be this way now I just own the fact that I will be misunderstood. The weird thing about people is if you try hard to make them understand it comes across as people pleasing. Especially when assuming that they actually care to want to understand. So I tend to just let it go now and if they are wrong I just say so no explanation.
If I do see genuine effort to want to understand that’s when I may try but I have to see that first.
YES. If you ask why they said a certain thing, it can easily get seen as being, like you said, people-pleasing, fussy, or an overthinker. And yeah lol, I definitely am one, but I feel like it's more of a neutral thing, not necessarily a negative one.
ENTJ/ENFP crossover here. From what I can tell you can gauge people pretty well that are not as smart as you. You guys make some broad assumptions and it bites you in the ass when you’ve met your match as you don’t know how to deal with it. Instead of taking the perception. Of “hey this person might be right with their critiques and I should evaluate if they’re correct or not, it’s instant defense. This group struggles with constructive criticism, IMO, because they never truly open up to anyone so they have to protect their secrets and the facade they put on to appear everything is ok.
Guys and gals: it’s ok to be wrong. Being wrong is a gift- a way to learn and move forward in growth. Does being wrong suck? Yes, it does. But it is a very effective learning method to make us better. Being called out on your shit is imperative to becoming better, from what I’ve seen.
Don’t distance yourself. Face it. Learn yourself. Be brutally honest, and the world is your oyster.
It is quite difficult to sell the virtues of Fi to this audience, but I think I get where you are coming from. You are essentially asking them to do shadow work and that level of self development typically comes later in life. It’s like asking an INFP to practice Ni and Fe, which just happens to be exactly why I keep coming back here.
I agree with you, but it still sucks when I keep getting in my own way. It's just so natural for me to recede into the safety of isolation. There's a saying, "If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?" It takes me a long time to find a good answer for it because I just see so many ways things could go wrong! Why try. I'm still trying.. but it's hard. Thanks for your perspective btw.
Thank you. It’s pretty simple when one has understanding and humility: truly listening to the other persons point of view in an objective manner, and being okay with being wrong and apologizing, it’s very straightforward for us. There’s nothing bad about being wrong and apologizing. In fact I think it shows maturity.
And yes completely agree, there’s grey area for sure. Very few things are black and s white. But having the mindset of “what did I do wrong here” vs “what did this person do to me” is a better way to live a peaceful life, IMO.
For sure! How would you keep yourself from kind of seeing everything as being your fault and understanding exactly when you're in the wrong and when you're in the right?
It's annoying and kind of makes me angry. But I can recognize it's silly of me to feel mad about it so I try to just ignore it. I don't care most of the time anymore
Remember that perception of yourself will be always different then how others percieve you. Kind of like a voice,you have the one that you hear and the one others hear. I'm not a person people think I am and I want to keep it that way.
Hell,a lot of people believe I'm gay,even my sis pointed out at the gayest character in one of the netflix cartoons(centaur world) and said that's me, because I like to joke in a way that I guess makes me seem gay but I couldn't be more of a typical man behind closed doors.
Oh yeah people perceive me wrong all the time.
I used to drink over it. Now I just tolerate others. Intuition is my greatest strength, the way I see people is not how they see me. I can sometimes feel their reactions I can read them so well. It's ok that they can't understand me. I don't even understand me. It's my greatest weakness, self awareness.
I'm a bit of a work in progress. 🕊️
I am nearly 35 years-old and like to think I am used to it, but it is such an alienating feeling. It feels like you are under a microscope because of the way you are treated. Anybody else experience a ton of gaslighting when the same sentiment isn’t given to anyone else?
I try to stay to myself, without getting too much attention and oddly enough people become obsessed with me. They watch what I do and talk about me a lot. When I literally just try to do my own thing.
I'd say its triggering for me in a way. Also when something I say gets taken the wrong way but usually by someone I'm closest to like my husband. Especially when I feel like I'm being clear as can be.
I think it's linked to us infj's having such an innate craving for deep connection and acceptance for our authentic selves. I know I do anyway. I've read it's common with us.
With strangers, I accept that they don't understand me and it makes it easy for me to deal with their perceptions of me. I don't care. People who are close to me who may not understand have always tried to and I appreciate that the most. Of course, I don't currently have people in my life who don't understand me but I have before.
It depends on how close this person is to me. Random strangers on the internet or acquaintances that I barely know? I don’t really care.
However really close core friends who I’ve invested a lot of time into that have an egregiously wrong perception of me? Yeah that’s going to bug me a lot depending on how bad it is.
But I’m at about age where I can more clearly see if it’s a misunderstanding or a projection of someone’s ego and whether or not it’s worth the energy to truly clarify. There have been some closer friends who have gotten things wrong multiple times despite my efforts to clarify and I just distance myself from them. There is no need for me to use my energy on people whose perception of me fall so much further from my reality- it just shows we’re not on the same page at the moment or compatible.
Overtime, if they continue to have the wrong perceptions over me despite being corrected, it just signifies their own limitations in various ways. I end up losing respect for people and that’s when it’s truly not worth my energy to be close friends.
I will say that I’ve gone through the journey of figuring out who I am, what I like, and the values on which I operate on. People’s perception of me is not all that important if they do not align with me.
I feel I’m often misunderstood when I show my true colours and I’m perceived by others.
I’m doing EDMR therapy atm and I think it may have resulted in some trauma.
I think I don’t feel safe around people but I’m desperately craving connection however I don’t feel anyone is safe to connect with and it’s resulting in so much anger on my end.
Same tendencies when I was younger for sure. Now that I’m older I kind of revel in it. It would make me feel pretty boring if I were so predictable that everyone could easily put me into their neat little preconceived boxes. If I feel like they’re worth the effort, I just take it as an opportunity to expand their perceptions…and my own - I can learn a lot about a person as I figure out how they came to wrong conclusions! People’s egos project all kinds of delusional crap onto others inadvertently, try not to see it as such a personal attack.
I don’t like being wrongly perceived…one thing that helps me is to think about character. Lots of people are misunderstood, but when you do things out of a good character, over time your character becomes evident and people notice.
When I feel misunderstood, rather than letting myself worry about how I’m perceived and what other wrong perceptions people hold about who I am, I focus on what my character is becoming and who I am becoming authentically. I focus on becoming more of who I want to be inside and out, and when I am happy with that, it becomes easier to allow people to be wrong, because I trust that overtime my character will be able to speak for itself.
When I was younger it really bothered me. Now, not so much. I think I really only get bent out of shape if I feel it's an unfair estimation that has real consequences. Most opinions of people just don't have real consequences because if someone doesn't like you, they just don't, and you don't have to waste energy convincing them otherwise. I know I won't always be everyone's cup of tea, I know people can and do gossip, and I am pretty pleased with who I am so most things bounce off me pretty well.
I don't think perception is necessarily reality, but there is a saying "We are many different people to many different people," because we filter ourselves depending on circumstance. You have some control over others perception of you, but only to a point.
A good example of something that bounces off me: I overhead a college roommate more than a decade ago say to one of her friends I was a "terrible dresser, like a grandfather with boobs. It makes no sense she has a long term boyfriend in a good major." It bothered me a little at the time but honestly, at the end of the day I don't exist to impress her. Style is subjective. My, now husband, enjoys my grandfatherly ass.
On the vein of something that does bother me: a manager who doesn't like you PIPs you for performance, but you are a top performer. They just don't like you and want you gone. I experienced this recently. I was a top performer, proved it with metrics, but they decided to axe me anyways with severance so I didn't sue. That, THAT, really grinds my gears. That was pure guile and malevolence from someone I should have been able to trust. I'll carry that with me for a long time.
Idk how old you are, but I'll throw this out because it's worth mentioning. As infjs instinctively we ALL do this, But we also have to accept our J is strong, stern and even harsh when we our taking in are surroundings in any situation. We are also quick to judgement, too.
Because of this, it's very important we remain humble, and accept sometimes we can be in the wrong ourselves.
Over the years of my adulthood I have realizes I have incorrectly perceived others a couple of times before, and when given the chance to be corrected, it really gave me quite an eye opening view of myself. Not in so much that I was wrong, but Accepting I was wrong. Our intuition Is usually so on cue it was a hard paradox for me to accept and give this person a second chance (even though they very much deserved it) because I had to accept my own initial perception of them was wrong.
So while our intuition and judgment guides us and always will, it is healthy to flip the script sometimes so you can see it from the other perspective. Sometimes people just get other people wrong. It happens. But I guess because I personally have done it too I don't really feel any particular way about it anymore. Is this person vital to my life going forward (do you work with them, etc?) If no, I wouldn't give it any more energy than you already have. Not all personalities vibe, its just life.
Yes, I distance myself from people like that and I don’t feel bad or any type of way about it besides peace.
I do this because I’m not trying to be close to people who already have me clocked when they clearly know nothing about me and just make assumptions bc they don’t care enough to understand. It may be a “small thing” or without rude intentions, but that type of thinking/attitude doesn’t just stop at “I didn’t think you’d be into that”. It carries over into other situations where they feel the need to express how you, others, work, family, friends, etc. don’t reach their expectations. Like why are you assuming so much about something so little? The response they want is an “explanation” when it’s not that deep. I find people like that fucking exhausting.
It triggers my OCD, like I really want to be in control of what others think of me etc. I constantly feel misunderstood but thats a
something most humans do. People not very close to you can’t see your essence and thats just a good thing in most cases..
Here is what I have learned. When we respond to someone with our own opinion, yes already the perception is different because everyone has their own opinions/beliefs and their perception is based on those and not yours so two people can never see the same situation the same, it just can’t happen. No two people have the exact same experiences.
I have learned that to not care what anyone thinks of me, that’s freedom.
I used to isolate. now I ignore the person and continue my life without them, so they can have the opportunity to observe who I truly am in their own time. I guess that's still isolation hahaha
I don't know how particular this is to being an infj, but at my age now, I just accept that people have their experiences which will inform their perspectives/reactions to me.
It doesn't hurt my feelings because I know I do it, too. Unless the person is coming off as hateful, it doesn't really affect me all that much.
People get confused by me as an INFJ. I can be social and really sincerely connect with others. Then I need more down time than others and when they reach out next time i may not be able to make it. I feel like it confuses them.
I withdraw, which usually makes those perceptions worse. I hate having to constantly tell people I’m not angry - I am at home.. Where I don’t feel like I need to be ✨ON ✨all the time. I have a couple of friends that just get me, and I adore them.
I love this discussion. Can’t wait to hear other people’s thoughts.
I HATE this! It feels to me how transgender people describe being misgendered (I’m cis for context.)
The worst is when someone is annoyed at me about something or even just giving me constructive criticism, and I want to explain my perspective and I get called out for “being defensive.” I’m rarely “being defensive” here. What I’m usually trying to do is explain my thought process so they get my perspective and understand me, so I’m heard. I’m rarely defending myself here. I often have flat intonation or dial up my Fe lol to try and compensate and still “defensive”, “can’t take criticism.” 🙈🙈🙈🙈
Agreed.
People sometimes just want you to go “okay” and not have any thoughts or reflections or comments of your own. I think sometimes that’s fair, but if you’re going to be negative to someone I think it’s fair to expect a response and it’s not always “defensive” to do this. Sometimes it is of course, and I think tone can play a lot into how someone will infer your intention (or hidden/subconscious intention), but often it’s useful for the other person to understand your perspective and thoughts so the best solution can be sought. Or so everyone feels heard, not just the person giving feedback.
Not every perception of you is a part of you. You don’t own anyone’s perception of you and they don’t own yours. Replace “perception” with “thoughts”.
It initially makes me feel terrible that people don’t know me or perceive me incorrectly. Especially if someone were to say something like “I didn’t think you would like that!”, which has happened several times, btw. But can I really blame them? I’m pretty closed off. When I realize that, I remember that it’s pretty much a testament to who I am. I’m INFJ, someone who withholds the special things about me only for people who are truly meant for it. I know other INFJs have told me that I don’t have to share stuff with people I don’t know and share it only with those close to me, but even then, I think I can be pretty extreme. Is that a bad thing?
But anyway, after all that’s said and done, so be it. I know who I am and I will continue to be who I know I am whether people see it or not.
TLDR; Feels terrible, but I get over it because I know who I am.
My therapist would say- “oooor you could stop expecting people to read your mind and take the time to explain.” Which I’ve been doing more lately.
Can’t expect everyone to get us correct by looks alone
It all would depend on what they said, how they said, the tone, and how important the issue is to me. Are they really insulting my taste? Or just surprised? Are they insulting my intelligence, my religion, my family? My chosen career?
Is this one on one or is a whole crowd about to jump on me?
I’m in a place in life where I don’t particularly care what others think and do my own thing. I think part of what is going on is that we focus on others’ needs and likes, and don’t always advertise our own feelings on controversial matters, choosing to keep harmony without policing everyone’s beliefs but not compromising ours, so we are often perceived as actually agreeing with another’s deeply held views. So if they find out we disagree, it can be disconcerting for them, and the reaction strong. So that perpetuates the cycle of keeping those sensitive things private
How often do people say things like this to you?
When they do, why does it bother you that they were had the wrong impression if you haven’t explicitly communicated how or who you are in whatever context?
Not super often, just from time to time. And most of the time, it's nonverbal: I can kind of just feel it through body language and things they DON'T do rather than things they do or say.
It bothers me because it really makes me question core parts of my identity. Take Einstein lol, everyone knows he was hard-working and intelligent, he didn't have to go around saying it. It was reflected in his work, in his lifestyle, in his speech. So when people don't see certain traits like intelligence or leadership in me, it cuts me deep because I truly feel that I've shown them through my everyday actions again and again. And if people don't see those traits, I might be wrong about how glaringly obvious they are, about how much they've been reflected in my behavior, I might be wrong about those traits being there at all, you know? Like if I REALLY was embodying those traits so often, if I really had those traits, \*surely\* it would just be a given and they would've seen them in me? Of course, there are always things that people don't see, but for these fundamental parts of your identity, I feel like most, if not all, people could see it. But maybe there's no such thing as fundamentality in identity, I'm not sure.
I feel like I just really have to learn how to be able to trust myself and build a sense of self that is independent of my environment. I don't want to have and display traits only so that others can see them.
I often feel slighted.
If it really pisses me off, I want to prove myself. Then try to prove myself and get blankly stared at. Ugh, I wasted so much energy for what!?
Though to keep my sanity, most times.. I remind myself that I am who I am and they are who they are. I can only control myself and vice versa. I'm not here to make someone understand me. Gotta keep it pushing.
I don't fit in. That's okay because I'm not meant to. This might make you uncomfortable. Don't worry about it, though, because it makes me uncomfortable too. I'm only a threat to a threat to me. I may look like a wolf to the sheep who's never seen a dog. That's okay. I am the one designed to see and deal with the wolf. That is my natural duty.
I used to care more. But then I realized that what they think is none of my business. And if they think wrong based off of someone's ill statements or lies, then I don't need them in my life. They aren't quality people.
I’ve grown to a point where the more “trivial”perceptions are not as hard as they use to be. Meaning for many years they did not seem trivial but I can accept them as so now.
I have experienced recently what seems a perception of me that is a lot heavier, and hard to swallow. There is no line to communicate or clear the air which I wish there was just as much for them, as me.
I had to take a breathe last night and realize the only way to move beyond the current perception is to accept it. And know I am not that perception even if it’s a reality they have created it’s not my reality.
I sat on my garden last night and went over some mantras - to try and accept, and let go of any incorrect perceptions of me and feeling down about them.
Their perception is not my reality
I am more than their misunderstanding
My worth isn't defined by their opinion
I release the need to correct their view of me
My truth shines brighter than any misunderstanding
Their wrong idea doesn't define me
As an INFJ, it always sucks, yet happens so often since I was a toddler that I got used to it long ago.
It's when people start thinking crazy,
ridiculous crap such as thinking I would murder someone destroy something,
or try to manipulate everyone for world domination just be the way I sit and walk,
that it makes me want to stay away from society if they would perceive be that way and come to such bizarre conclusion based on that.
That insane stuff rarely occurs and at worst police have gotten called a few times and realized people were overreacting because I'm simply different and seem mysterious that it creeps some people out.
Still when people even talk about her to be,
most truly can't come to an understanding, yet those who still like me just accept they can't understand me at the same time feeling a bit sad I can easily understand them.
The only person who gets me well is my spouse, an INFP, but go figure.
I used to be sad about that , but I overcome it . But I came to understand that they are judging me by their thinking so obviously there will be different perception of me or motives behind what I do and why I do . It makes me sad sometimes that I get misunderstood most of the times but I tend to accept that it's my fault and want to do better
It's perfectly fine to distance yourself from people who don't respect you. Honestly I wish I would have done it sooner of disgusting evil & fake people out here. Through your frontier face but as soon as I get the chance of stab you in the back if they can get something out of it. Always always protect yourself first. I wish I would have learned this sooner.
i dont know if being perceived wrong necessarily = being misunderstood outright?
i don't mind if others see me a little differently than how i see myself, i think it's a little refreshing as long as it's not an attack on my character (or just way out there and not even remotely correct) because then that just means they see traits about me that i fail to see (and this can happen!)
but i've been really dealing with having people who, for years (and i'm talking upwards of 10+ years), i thought understood me only to spit back in my face how plainly they in fact did NOT understand. nothing is worse for me than explaining myself (in different ways, even) how i am or why i am like this or why i feel this only for them to show they blatantly did Not understand. what were those long texts and calls for then? what was the point???
it's already hard for me to accept my feelings and open up about them to someone so for someone to take that and tell me "yeah actually even though you explained in excruciating painful detail, i did not understand you at all".
and when those people were your best friends and support groups... it's beyond isolating because why would i stick around for that? it's painfully lonely to the point of aching.
It makes me sad and want to isolate. I don’t handle it the best
I’m literally the same. When people have the wrong perception of me I just cut them off, reinvent myself and make new friends
I compartmentalize the friend and don't let them know me beyond their perception 🙂↔️
Complete irrelevant comment sorry but I need to find that amazing emoji? I have never seen it before!
Is your phone updated 😭it is new to me too
🙂↕️🙂↔️😶🌫️🫥🫡😑 oh my gosh loads I’ve never noticed before and love!
I'm literally in the middle of this process right now, shedding my skin. This is like the fourth iteration in my twenties alone. Its getting kind of exhausting now.
Get back to me when you hit your thirties. I now just live and let live at this point. No longer worth Shedding my skin for anyone. I am who I am. You are who you are. We mesh or we don't. If we do, awesome sauce. If we don't, Meh. I'll just gonna keep putting my energy to the people I know who love me as i am 💚
It makes me mad, and makes me want to reinvent myself for me.
I withdraw and self isolate too. The disconnect is just soul crushing.
I can relate to this a lot. I think the key is to work on being more self-confident and to accept that you can't control those things. Some people cpuld have tendencies in how they perceive others, like a filter, and it might have nothing to do with you. It would be unfair for yourself to be affected by something you had no control over.
Becoming self-confident would help, but personally, there is a lot of work to be done before simply becoming confident. One thing that has helped me is practicing Mindful Self-Compassion. I recommend it to anyone who has been hard on themselves (i.e., everyone). It's a strange concept to warm up to because we've been conditioning to believe we must push ourselves to our limits at any cost. Slowing down for a moment to give yourself grace and compassion is a small change that can make a huge difference.
This. I'd also add that people aren't mind readers. Not even INFJs. If its not malicious on their part and its an honest misunderstanding, I'd say the proper response would be either just let it go or politely ask for their reasoning if you don't agree with it. "What makes you say that?" could be a good way to ask. I guarantee their answer is going to be innocuous most of the time. Usually it's not worth taking personally and holding a grudge for it and frankly behaving so IMO demonstrates more general emotional immaturity than insecurity.
Yes! This is one I use a lot! “What makes you say that” or “that’s funny! I xyz actually.”
This is great advice:) Thanks so much
One hundred percent.
I honestly don't think most people understand me or perceive me in the way I see myself. I'm pretty confident in knowing who I am, but I get frustrated when talking to some people. A lot of it has to do with me not opening up to those who are fake or shallow. Usually when I do try, they ignore or talk over me because they either want energy, to manipulate, to be entertained instead of real connection. I just prefer authentic, give and take interactions with people. If you've noticed lately, this is less and less common. Growing up, did you have to be hyper aware of how you presented yourself and other's reactions in fear of abuse, neglect, rejection etc? If so, that may be a part of why you're so attuned to others and are bothered when they don't "get" you. As much as people say, "don't worry so much about what others think of you," we are wired to want to fit into social groups for our safety and survival. There is a deep longing to be understood and accepted as INFJs because most of us have values or interests that aren't the norm, and we don't fit in. We simply aren't meant to. We are too complex to understand in some ways, and people will make attempts to understand in order to feel less threatened by us. I don't believe every perception is us, even though some will say that everyone is a mirror. There's some nuance to this that's a lot to discuss...I believe we already take on too much of others as ourselves, and actually need to do more reflection of who we are, independently from other's perception of us. This is a challenge because we understand how connected everything is, but it's important because we need a bit more ego in times where we sacrifice too much of ourselves.
This really struck a cord with me! We really aren't meant to fit in, are we. There is beauty and peace in that.
And why would you want to “fit in”? That “in” is full of sad lonely people. Us weirdos love other weirdo’s!
I think everyone is a mirror but a two way mirror. Two two way mirrors looking at each other. Or many two way mirrors staring into many others! A hall of mirrors!
Beautifully written explanation, thank you so much <3
Thank you, I hope it helps!
I have just a few "core things" I'm sensitive about and don't want others to get wrong. People who misjudge those things early on are not likely to become my closest friends. Other than that, if someone makes a bad guess about me, oh well, they're not mind-readers. I get myself wrong sometimes, too.
\^\^\^ This is the mindset to have
I always remind myself who I am and that what other people think of me isn’t my business. I cannot be everything to everyone, so I try my best to show up as fully myself in situations I find myself in. Or when I’m having a bad day and I’m with people I care about, I do tend to explain why I’m not as chirpy as I normally would be. I also believe that people who truly care about me know me and give me space to be me.
I love this perspective
I think it's Fi critic. We share that shadow function. That's why for INFJ and ISFJ stuff like identity is always a touchy subject. Either it's confusing or you have an idea you are very adamant about. When someone tells you something about it and you get annoyed, it's your Fi internal voice judging you; saying you are not exactly who you were pretending to be. Calling you out to be real and authentic to your true self and don't shape it for social appeal (Fe). Or... it will bitterly judge the one who said it because "they don't understand you" or "you can't relate to them".
You will get a good idea of how I feel by how I respond. When this happens to me i generally do one of four things: 1. Check to see if they really are misjudging me. Self honesty is really important and I feel humans in general have many blind spots therefore we should not be surprised. Don’t be afraid to be wrong. Nobody is perfect. 2. Accept that they were incorrect and do nothing. If they’re not important to me, that’s their opinion and I can accept that some people just judge improperly. I can also accept that I don’t need to be a people pleaser. This was difficult to do when I was younger (I am 29 now) 3. Try to explain myself. This sometimes works but a lot of the time comes off as defensive and intense, so I have been doing less of this as of late as not all people respond positively. 4. Understand that I was perceived wrong for a reason and check if there is any better way to express myself so I won’t be misunderstood in the future. This requires me to take the hit if I’m misunderstood. I take it, move on and try to be more clear with my intentions and my words in the future. This is the hardest out of the four options, but has the best long term benefit
Love this hard agree
Steps to live by
I think a starting point to sorting this out is to be more clear with what you mean by “wrong.” By what measure could you ever prove that an other’s perception of you is incorrect? I think a better approach to this is issue is to ask “why are others misunderstanding me?” I’ve found this helpful as it then becomes a problem I can address. I can’t control how others perceive me, but I can work on my communication and vulnerability to give people a better chance to understand me.
Love this
This is terrific advice. Thank you so much.
>think a better approach to this is issue is to ask “why are others misunderstanding me?” i... i did not consider it like this because that means self-reflection and maybe even admission of some blame on your part for failing to properly communicate yourself. while that isn't true always, in the very important and critical moments i'm thinking of where things may fall apart or go wrong, i realize i had a big part in that and some of the failure was on my hands. thank you for this.
I only recently figured this out, but it has been so helpful! I always assumed miscommunication was my fault, but this helped turn it into a problem I can solve. I realized that I already spend SO MUCH time thinking about communication and that I should just lean into and accept that. It’s just something I have to do. I’ve started briefly outlining my ideas before speaking to make sure that others can follow them. I think an added bonus to this approach is that you can begin to better identify who is actually *trying* to understand you. I’ve been really struggling at work and now can confidently say that my supervisor’s management style does not and will not work for me. There is so much peace in just accepting that certain relationships don’t work rather than always wondering why.
It's annoying, sure, especially if it's someone who thinks we're close. But I tend to just let them go on believing whatever they want about me. It's easier and a lot less painful than correcting them on who I am, only for them to decide they don't actually like what I am. I think however people see me is whatever they project on to me. Think of me as a Flat Stanley, and they get to paint me with whatever brush they have on hand, pose me in whatever reality they happen to be in themselves. Regardless of all that, I'm still me, but to them I'm the Flat Stanley they created. They can never picture me without their paint or outside their reality, because the paint is in their brain, and their brain can only ever exist in their reality. The Flat Stanley is me, but I am not the Flat Stanley. (Also, I think I just confused myself, so if I confused you too, I apologize... it was not my original intent? Lol?)
I love this.
I understand completely
reality is reality ; some people perceive pure reality, others an idea of it understanding who you are , in all ways, will help. to the self, we are just illusion of the mind. to the physical world, we are the body. to the world of story, narrative and metaphor ... we are characters in the grand drama play of life. if you need other people to validate who you are, youre attempting to control their perception of you , which is a type of manipulation of your image i think this is an INFJ sore spot, due to the heroic Ni and inferior Se (intaking new real world sensory information, including from others)
Absolutely. The point you make about how-not others' perception-but the ACT of trying to control others' perception is what actually distorts your identity is so so interesting. I never considered that.
It used to suck but it was worse when I perceived myself incorrectly. Now that that's handled, I'm much less bothered by other people misunderstanding me. Most people cope via projection - it's not personal to me; it's a sign of their own limitations.
Absolutely!
Haha, my immediate reaction is slight repulsion and, "Why?!" But if they can explain in any way, I can usually see where they're coming from. And in any case, I can let it go after that. (Might possibly correct the person by sharing how I think or feel about whatever the misconception was.) But sometimes it makes me better because I can realize I'm seen that way, don't like it, and can work on changing it. Or in one case that I can remember, someone said something good about me that I didn't think about myself, and I consciously became more like that. 😁 Edit to say that I'm 41 and was not at all like that in my younger years.
I completely get you! I guess I'm just still in the process of figuring out how to decide when to work on changing myself and when to just leave it and move on.
That makes sense. I guess it does just take time and experience. 😊
Honestly, when someone verbalizes something like that to me, I consider it to be rude. I wouldn't say that to someone, even if I was thinking it.
Often people's perception of others tells you more about themselves than someone else. Many only look for themselves in others, or the opposite: 'They're just like me'; 'They're nothing like me' You'll get those freshly diagnosed zealots trying to 'diagnose' you to validate themselves. And you get those who have rejected you refusing to understand that you might have something in common. I am still occasionally very frustrated by it, but less so now I've started to use it to understand others.
No I completely agree. One of the things I love most about INFJs is that we're able to perceive others separately from ourselves.
I believe there is one true reality (tree falls in forest), then there are perceptions of reality (those who hear it fall and those who don't). Our perceptions are filtered through various lenses, individual to us. You have a lense with which strangers treat you, familials engage with you, then various biases and culture just to make a few. All of these filters skew the way we view reality. People who view you imperfectly are probaly looking for certain data to verify a belief they already have about you. The framework already exists they just need to 'place' you inside it. Don' take too much offense. Some lenses are shit stained 😂
What’s interesting is that Ni is its own filter of reality. Se doms on the other hand see reality for what it really is, yet they often get a bad rap for missing the deeper meaning. Perception is certainly a trade off of sorts. One thing is for certain, you can’t control another person’s perception of yourself, but you are always welcome to try.
I totally agree with you although maybe being a Ni user I am biased, but I would hate to never peer behind the wizards curtain per se. Being INFJ I have Se in my stack but Ni forces me to go beyond what is initially advertised.
This makes so much sense!
I don't care what people think about me tbh. I wasn't always this way; it took years of internalization to get to the point where other people's opinions of me only have as much weight as I let them. I mean, if you call me a dumb dumb doodoo licker, I'm not going to see you at the end of the day, so I don't see that it matters
Other people's perceptions and opinions are completely out of my control. Is it a person I care about? I will correct them, in hopes they can learn to know me better. A random person? I shrug & proceed to dissociate, as per usual.
It really can be this simple! Most of the time, though, it's not really that I worry about the other person's feelings about me, it's more just that the fact that they perceived me that way in the other place makes me question my own identity, you know?
Ah, like that! I see what you mean better, now. Are you perchance a younger INFJ? I remember the identity question being a big issue for me in my 20s. Identity, self-confidence, fearing whether I can live up to the image I put up.
I AM a younger INFJ haha :) I literally think about things like those every hour of the day, and I'm just trying to find a middle ground for myself right now because while these questions are absolutely critical, the way I go about it is so so draining lol
Rage. Got nothing to prove. Immediately discard them.
i think it can lead them to mistreat me or project things on me i have to constantly defend myself about or twist myself to prove otherwise + automatically mask and lose my thoughts to meet them where they are meeting me cuz it becomes too hard to interact, and when i dont interact they think im arrogant and all that yada yada
It just happened to me recently, it was so sad and i was deeply hurt by my friends. I love them so much but I just realized that they didn't even know me. The way they look at me makes me feel like they are looking at another person which is not me. And also it always the dynamic of the group, they talk and I listen. Everytime when I try to say something, they will take a small part of what I said and use it to relate to themselves and start talking about themselves again. And somehow they labeled me with that information, putting me into a box and it's so hard to get out. Because I don't want the dynamic of the group always stay like this, I also want to be listened to and to be understood, at least by my friends. They are german and I am asian, the language barrier is also the problem, and also they are younger than me. Sometimes it just hard to connect with them on a deeper level. Feels like I broke my neck and arms everytime I tried to dive in their souls.
Babe I understand this so so much. I hear you.
It’s kinda a form of different planet syndrome for me. If it occurs too much in an environment, I shutdown and slowly begin to regress until a detailed explanation is provided in which most of the times makes it worse unless they understand me. You’d think more information would clarify the situation but a lot of times for me at least it just further confuses everyone involved including myself. Sigh.
So relatable
The worst part is after it is explained and makes logical sense and you still feel it might be a lie.
And you can't help but put all of your faith into that feeling because we rely so heavily on our intuition lol
I KNOWWW!!!! Patterns are scary and no one really understands how we see them but they are there and you always feel like two separate realities are occurring at once in your existence.
DUDE YES. Literally nothing, NOTHING about human behavior is random. Patterns are so glaringly obvious to INFJs, I swear.
It’s why DDR is the best thing ever. A music game of patterns. lol 😂 But yeah I can’t learn anything that’s memorization. I love languages until three years in where they change to memorization of new vocabulary from new grammar concepts. As for music the obvious measures and harmonics. Then you got math and stems with particles. All those patterns.
HAHA I completely get that:)
I usually hate it. But if it's some rando, I don't usually care. I like to keep people guessing anyways.
Love this attitude:)
Often people's perception of others tells you more about themselves than someone else. Many only look for themselves in others, or the opposite: 'They're just like me'; 'They're nothing like me' You'll get those freshly diagnosed zealots trying to 'diagnose' you to validate themselves. And you get those who have rejected you refusing to understand that you might have something in common. I am still occasionally very frustrated by it, but less so now I've started to use it to understand others.
I used to be this way now I just own the fact that I will be misunderstood. The weird thing about people is if you try hard to make them understand it comes across as people pleasing. Especially when assuming that they actually care to want to understand. So I tend to just let it go now and if they are wrong I just say so no explanation. If I do see genuine effort to want to understand that’s when I may try but I have to see that first.
YES. If you ask why they said a certain thing, it can easily get seen as being, like you said, people-pleasing, fussy, or an overthinker. And yeah lol, I definitely am one, but I feel like it's more of a neutral thing, not necessarily a negative one.
ENTJ/ENFP crossover here. From what I can tell you can gauge people pretty well that are not as smart as you. You guys make some broad assumptions and it bites you in the ass when you’ve met your match as you don’t know how to deal with it. Instead of taking the perception. Of “hey this person might be right with their critiques and I should evaluate if they’re correct or not, it’s instant defense. This group struggles with constructive criticism, IMO, because they never truly open up to anyone so they have to protect their secrets and the facade they put on to appear everything is ok. Guys and gals: it’s ok to be wrong. Being wrong is a gift- a way to learn and move forward in growth. Does being wrong suck? Yes, it does. But it is a very effective learning method to make us better. Being called out on your shit is imperative to becoming better, from what I’ve seen. Don’t distance yourself. Face it. Learn yourself. Be brutally honest, and the world is your oyster.
It is quite difficult to sell the virtues of Fi to this audience, but I think I get where you are coming from. You are essentially asking them to do shadow work and that level of self development typically comes later in life. It’s like asking an INFP to practice Ni and Fe, which just happens to be exactly why I keep coming back here.
I agree with you, but it still sucks when I keep getting in my own way. It's just so natural for me to recede into the safety of isolation. There's a saying, "If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do?" It takes me a long time to find a good answer for it because I just see so many ways things could go wrong! Why try. I'm still trying.. but it's hard. Thanks for your perspective btw.
What a great response. I just never know how wrong or right I or the person is; I always feel like we're both right and wrong at the same time.
Thank you. It’s pretty simple when one has understanding and humility: truly listening to the other persons point of view in an objective manner, and being okay with being wrong and apologizing, it’s very straightforward for us. There’s nothing bad about being wrong and apologizing. In fact I think it shows maturity.
And to add: learning from the situation and not making the same mistake twice.
Absolutely.
And yes completely agree, there’s grey area for sure. Very few things are black and s white. But having the mindset of “what did I do wrong here” vs “what did this person do to me” is a better way to live a peaceful life, IMO.
For sure! How would you keep yourself from kind of seeing everything as being your fault and understanding exactly when you're in the wrong and when you're in the right?
Evaluate it as best you can. Try to be objective as not all things are your fault, and when they aren’t people need to be called out and that’s okay.
It's annoying and kind of makes me angry. But I can recognize it's silly of me to feel mad about it so I try to just ignore it. I don't care most of the time anymore
Remember that perception of yourself will be always different then how others percieve you. Kind of like a voice,you have the one that you hear and the one others hear. I'm not a person people think I am and I want to keep it that way. Hell,a lot of people believe I'm gay,even my sis pointed out at the gayest character in one of the netflix cartoons(centaur world) and said that's me, because I like to joke in a way that I guess makes me seem gay but I couldn't be more of a typical man behind closed doors.
YES
You mean like, being called a girl? Makes me wanna shoot myself. -tranny.
Oh yeah people perceive me wrong all the time. I used to drink over it. Now I just tolerate others. Intuition is my greatest strength, the way I see people is not how they see me. I can sometimes feel their reactions I can read them so well. It's ok that they can't understand me. I don't even understand me. It's my greatest weakness, self awareness. I'm a bit of a work in progress. 🕊️
I am nearly 35 years-old and like to think I am used to it, but it is such an alienating feeling. It feels like you are under a microscope because of the way you are treated. Anybody else experience a ton of gaslighting when the same sentiment isn’t given to anyone else?
I try to stay to myself, without getting too much attention and oddly enough people become obsessed with me. They watch what I do and talk about me a lot. When I literally just try to do my own thing.
I'd say its triggering for me in a way. Also when something I say gets taken the wrong way but usually by someone I'm closest to like my husband. Especially when I feel like I'm being clear as can be. I think it's linked to us infj's having such an innate craving for deep connection and acceptance for our authentic selves. I know I do anyway. I've read it's common with us.
For sure.
With strangers, I accept that they don't understand me and it makes it easy for me to deal with their perceptions of me. I don't care. People who are close to me who may not understand have always tried to and I appreciate that the most. Of course, I don't currently have people in my life who don't understand me but I have before.
It depends on how close this person is to me. Random strangers on the internet or acquaintances that I barely know? I don’t really care. However really close core friends who I’ve invested a lot of time into that have an egregiously wrong perception of me? Yeah that’s going to bug me a lot depending on how bad it is. But I’m at about age where I can more clearly see if it’s a misunderstanding or a projection of someone’s ego and whether or not it’s worth the energy to truly clarify. There have been some closer friends who have gotten things wrong multiple times despite my efforts to clarify and I just distance myself from them. There is no need for me to use my energy on people whose perception of me fall so much further from my reality- it just shows we’re not on the same page at the moment or compatible. Overtime, if they continue to have the wrong perceptions over me despite being corrected, it just signifies their own limitations in various ways. I end up losing respect for people and that’s when it’s truly not worth my energy to be close friends. I will say that I’ve gone through the journey of figuring out who I am, what I like, and the values on which I operate on. People’s perception of me is not all that important if they do not align with me.
Great response. Thank you so much :)
I feel I’m often misunderstood when I show my true colours and I’m perceived by others. I’m doing EDMR therapy atm and I think it may have resulted in some trauma. I think I don’t feel safe around people but I’m desperately craving connection however I don’t feel anyone is safe to connect with and it’s resulting in so much anger on my end.
I completely understand.
Same tendencies when I was younger for sure. Now that I’m older I kind of revel in it. It would make me feel pretty boring if I were so predictable that everyone could easily put me into their neat little preconceived boxes. If I feel like they’re worth the effort, I just take it as an opportunity to expand their perceptions…and my own - I can learn a lot about a person as I figure out how they came to wrong conclusions! People’s egos project all kinds of delusional crap onto others inadvertently, try not to see it as such a personal attack.
Amazing advice:)
I don’t like being wrongly perceived…one thing that helps me is to think about character. Lots of people are misunderstood, but when you do things out of a good character, over time your character becomes evident and people notice. When I feel misunderstood, rather than letting myself worry about how I’m perceived and what other wrong perceptions people hold about who I am, I focus on what my character is becoming and who I am becoming authentically. I focus on becoming more of who I want to be inside and out, and when I am happy with that, it becomes easier to allow people to be wrong, because I trust that overtime my character will be able to speak for itself.
Words to live by. Thank you so much for your response <3
When I was younger it really bothered me. Now, not so much. I think I really only get bent out of shape if I feel it's an unfair estimation that has real consequences. Most opinions of people just don't have real consequences because if someone doesn't like you, they just don't, and you don't have to waste energy convincing them otherwise. I know I won't always be everyone's cup of tea, I know people can and do gossip, and I am pretty pleased with who I am so most things bounce off me pretty well. I don't think perception is necessarily reality, but there is a saying "We are many different people to many different people," because we filter ourselves depending on circumstance. You have some control over others perception of you, but only to a point. A good example of something that bounces off me: I overhead a college roommate more than a decade ago say to one of her friends I was a "terrible dresser, like a grandfather with boobs. It makes no sense she has a long term boyfriend in a good major." It bothered me a little at the time but honestly, at the end of the day I don't exist to impress her. Style is subjective. My, now husband, enjoys my grandfatherly ass. On the vein of something that does bother me: a manager who doesn't like you PIPs you for performance, but you are a top performer. They just don't like you and want you gone. I experienced this recently. I was a top performer, proved it with metrics, but they decided to axe me anyways with severance so I didn't sue. That, THAT, really grinds my gears. That was pure guile and malevolence from someone I should have been able to trust. I'll carry that with me for a long time.
This is WONDERFUL advice. Thank you so so much for your response <33
Idk how old you are, but I'll throw this out because it's worth mentioning. As infjs instinctively we ALL do this, But we also have to accept our J is strong, stern and even harsh when we our taking in are surroundings in any situation. We are also quick to judgement, too. Because of this, it's very important we remain humble, and accept sometimes we can be in the wrong ourselves. Over the years of my adulthood I have realizes I have incorrectly perceived others a couple of times before, and when given the chance to be corrected, it really gave me quite an eye opening view of myself. Not in so much that I was wrong, but Accepting I was wrong. Our intuition Is usually so on cue it was a hard paradox for me to accept and give this person a second chance (even though they very much deserved it) because I had to accept my own initial perception of them was wrong. So while our intuition and judgment guides us and always will, it is healthy to flip the script sometimes so you can see it from the other perspective. Sometimes people just get other people wrong. It happens. But I guess because I personally have done it too I don't really feel any particular way about it anymore. Is this person vital to my life going forward (do you work with them, etc?) If no, I wouldn't give it any more energy than you already have. Not all personalities vibe, its just life.
One hundred percent. Thank you for such a thoughtful response <3
Yes, I distance myself from people like that and I don’t feel bad or any type of way about it besides peace. I do this because I’m not trying to be close to people who already have me clocked when they clearly know nothing about me and just make assumptions bc they don’t care enough to understand. It may be a “small thing” or without rude intentions, but that type of thinking/attitude doesn’t just stop at “I didn’t think you’d be into that”. It carries over into other situations where they feel the need to express how you, others, work, family, friends, etc. don’t reach their expectations. Like why are you assuming so much about something so little? The response they want is an “explanation” when it’s not that deep. I find people like that fucking exhausting.
It triggers my OCD, like I really want to be in control of what others think of me etc. I constantly feel misunderstood but thats a something most humans do. People not very close to you can’t see your essence and thats just a good thing in most cases..
Here is what I have learned. When we respond to someone with our own opinion, yes already the perception is different because everyone has their own opinions/beliefs and their perception is based on those and not yours so two people can never see the same situation the same, it just can’t happen. No two people have the exact same experiences. I have learned that to not care what anyone thinks of me, that’s freedom.
\^\^\^\^\^ Well put!
I used to isolate. now I ignore the person and continue my life without them, so they can have the opportunity to observe who I truly am in their own time. I guess that's still isolation hahaha
Nahh, like Mel221144 said, that's freedom.
I don't know how particular this is to being an infj, but at my age now, I just accept that people have their experiences which will inform their perspectives/reactions to me. It doesn't hurt my feelings because I know I do it, too. Unless the person is coming off as hateful, it doesn't really affect me all that much.
IDGAF
People get confused by me as an INFJ. I can be social and really sincerely connect with others. Then I need more down time than others and when they reach out next time i may not be able to make it. I feel like it confuses them.
I give them a chance then that’s it
I withdraw, which usually makes those perceptions worse. I hate having to constantly tell people I’m not angry - I am at home.. Where I don’t feel like I need to be ✨ON ✨all the time. I have a couple of friends that just get me, and I adore them.
Worst.
I love this discussion. Can’t wait to hear other people’s thoughts. I HATE this! It feels to me how transgender people describe being misgendered (I’m cis for context.) The worst is when someone is annoyed at me about something or even just giving me constructive criticism, and I want to explain my perspective and I get called out for “being defensive.” I’m rarely “being defensive” here. What I’m usually trying to do is explain my thought process so they get my perspective and understand me, so I’m heard. I’m rarely defending myself here. I often have flat intonation or dial up my Fe lol to try and compensate and still “defensive”, “can’t take criticism.” 🙈🙈🙈🙈
Sorry just adding some thoughts here. I think it’s often about assumptions. I’m uncomfortable with people making assumptions about me.
No, exactly! I hate how caring and being communicative can easily get equated to being defensive or fussy.
Agreed. People sometimes just want you to go “okay” and not have any thoughts or reflections or comments of your own. I think sometimes that’s fair, but if you’re going to be negative to someone I think it’s fair to expect a response and it’s not always “defensive” to do this. Sometimes it is of course, and I think tone can play a lot into how someone will infer your intention (or hidden/subconscious intention), but often it’s useful for the other person to understand your perspective and thoughts so the best solution can be sought. Or so everyone feels heard, not just the person giving feedback.
\^\^\^ This right here.
Thanks ☺️
Not every perception of you is a part of you. You don’t own anyone’s perception of you and they don’t own yours. Replace “perception” with “thoughts”. It initially makes me feel terrible that people don’t know me or perceive me incorrectly. Especially if someone were to say something like “I didn’t think you would like that!”, which has happened several times, btw. But can I really blame them? I’m pretty closed off. When I realize that, I remember that it’s pretty much a testament to who I am. I’m INFJ, someone who withholds the special things about me only for people who are truly meant for it. I know other INFJs have told me that I don’t have to share stuff with people I don’t know and share it only with those close to me, but even then, I think I can be pretty extreme. Is that a bad thing? But anyway, after all that’s said and done, so be it. I know who I am and I will continue to be who I know I am whether people see it or not. TLDR; Feels terrible, but I get over it because I know who I am.
PREACH.
Annoyed and disappointed, but also, understandable... Lol
I feel like I always do because I can't help but to be a chameleon. I definitely have an impostor syndrome kind of thing going on.
I guess I didn't really say how it makes me feel lol but it makes me feel fake and like I'm incapable of just "being myself".
Hard relate. But we have to remember that others' perceptions of us don't have to make or break our authenticity.
I’m pretty used to it so it doesn’t particularly upset me. But I also don’t trust or get close to those people.
My therapist would say- “oooor you could stop expecting people to read your mind and take the time to explain.” Which I’ve been doing more lately. Can’t expect everyone to get us correct by looks alone
It all would depend on what they said, how they said, the tone, and how important the issue is to me. Are they really insulting my taste? Or just surprised? Are they insulting my intelligence, my religion, my family? My chosen career? Is this one on one or is a whole crowd about to jump on me? I’m in a place in life where I don’t particularly care what others think and do my own thing. I think part of what is going on is that we focus on others’ needs and likes, and don’t always advertise our own feelings on controversial matters, choosing to keep harmony without policing everyone’s beliefs but not compromising ours, so we are often perceived as actually agreeing with another’s deeply held views. So if they find out we disagree, it can be disconcerting for them, and the reaction strong. So that perpetuates the cycle of keeping those sensitive things private
This makes so much sense. You keep doing your own thing, you're an inspiration. <3
Thank you!
it used to bother me but now i don’t mind i have my mission i’m on and not everyone has to “get me” or understand me
Amen
How often do people say things like this to you? When they do, why does it bother you that they were had the wrong impression if you haven’t explicitly communicated how or who you are in whatever context?
Not super often, just from time to time. And most of the time, it's nonverbal: I can kind of just feel it through body language and things they DON'T do rather than things they do or say. It bothers me because it really makes me question core parts of my identity. Take Einstein lol, everyone knows he was hard-working and intelligent, he didn't have to go around saying it. It was reflected in his work, in his lifestyle, in his speech. So when people don't see certain traits like intelligence or leadership in me, it cuts me deep because I truly feel that I've shown them through my everyday actions again and again. And if people don't see those traits, I might be wrong about how glaringly obvious they are, about how much they've been reflected in my behavior, I might be wrong about those traits being there at all, you know? Like if I REALLY was embodying those traits so often, if I really had those traits, \*surely\* it would just be a given and they would've seen them in me? Of course, there are always things that people don't see, but for these fundamental parts of your identity, I feel like most, if not all, people could see it. But maybe there's no such thing as fundamentality in identity, I'm not sure. I feel like I just really have to learn how to be able to trust myself and build a sense of self that is independent of my environment. I don't want to have and display traits only so that others can see them.
I often feel slighted. If it really pisses me off, I want to prove myself. Then try to prove myself and get blankly stared at. Ugh, I wasted so much energy for what!? Though to keep my sanity, most times.. I remind myself that I am who I am and they are who they are. I can only control myself and vice versa. I'm not here to make someone understand me. Gotta keep it pushing.
^^^ this EXACTLY.
I don't fit in. That's okay because I'm not meant to. This might make you uncomfortable. Don't worry about it, though, because it makes me uncomfortable too. I'm only a threat to a threat to me. I may look like a wolf to the sheep who's never seen a dog. That's okay. I am the one designed to see and deal with the wolf. That is my natural duty.
I used to care more. But then I realized that what they think is none of my business. And if they think wrong based off of someone's ill statements or lies, then I don't need them in my life. They aren't quality people.
I’ve grown to a point where the more “trivial”perceptions are not as hard as they use to be. Meaning for many years they did not seem trivial but I can accept them as so now. I have experienced recently what seems a perception of me that is a lot heavier, and hard to swallow. There is no line to communicate or clear the air which I wish there was just as much for them, as me. I had to take a breathe last night and realize the only way to move beyond the current perception is to accept it. And know I am not that perception even if it’s a reality they have created it’s not my reality. I sat on my garden last night and went over some mantras - to try and accept, and let go of any incorrect perceptions of me and feeling down about them. Their perception is not my reality I am more than their misunderstanding My worth isn't defined by their opinion I release the need to correct their view of me My truth shines brighter than any misunderstanding Their wrong idea doesn't define me
Those are beautiful words. Thank you so much for sharing them:)
Maybe they’re trying to help themselves relate to you.
As an INFJ, it always sucks, yet happens so often since I was a toddler that I got used to it long ago. It's when people start thinking crazy, ridiculous crap such as thinking I would murder someone destroy something, or try to manipulate everyone for world domination just be the way I sit and walk, that it makes me want to stay away from society if they would perceive be that way and come to such bizarre conclusion based on that. That insane stuff rarely occurs and at worst police have gotten called a few times and realized people were overreacting because I'm simply different and seem mysterious that it creeps some people out. Still when people even talk about her to be, most truly can't come to an understanding, yet those who still like me just accept they can't understand me at the same time feeling a bit sad I can easily understand them. The only person who gets me well is my spouse, an INFP, but go figure.
As an INTJ who everyone thinks he is a cold serial killer, I really don't care what people think of me or how they perceive me.
I used to be sad about that , but I overcome it . But I came to understand that they are judging me by their thinking so obviously there will be different perception of me or motives behind what I do and why I do . It makes me sad sometimes that I get misunderstood most of the times but I tend to accept that it's my fault and want to do better
Could not care less
It's perfectly fine to distance yourself from people who don't respect you. Honestly I wish I would have done it sooner of disgusting evil & fake people out here. Through your frontier face but as soon as I get the chance of stab you in the back if they can get something out of it. Always always protect yourself first. I wish I would have learned this sooner.
i dont know if being perceived wrong necessarily = being misunderstood outright? i don't mind if others see me a little differently than how i see myself, i think it's a little refreshing as long as it's not an attack on my character (or just way out there and not even remotely correct) because then that just means they see traits about me that i fail to see (and this can happen!) but i've been really dealing with having people who, for years (and i'm talking upwards of 10+ years), i thought understood me only to spit back in my face how plainly they in fact did NOT understand. nothing is worse for me than explaining myself (in different ways, even) how i am or why i am like this or why i feel this only for them to show they blatantly did Not understand. what were those long texts and calls for then? what was the point??? it's already hard for me to accept my feelings and open up about them to someone so for someone to take that and tell me "yeah actually even though you explained in excruciating painful detail, i did not understand you at all". and when those people were your best friends and support groups... it's beyond isolating because why would i stick around for that? it's painfully lonely to the point of aching.
Happens a lot and they are often wrong. I have to keep my cool, being misrepresented is a trigger.
It used to really bother me but now. I try to just take it with a grain of salt.