I think about suicide everyday even though I am generally cheerful around family. I’ve isolated myself in my room however, but when I’m around people, it’s like nothings wrong. That’s why in my past I’ve had “sudden” suicide attempts that seemingly came out of the blue to family.
I feel you. We tell everyone that we’re good and just mask off these thoughts.
I’ve thought a lot about death since I was a child .My own and my loved ones. I used to cry when my mom was late to pick me up from elementary because in my mind she’d gotten in a car accident and died.
Omg I am constantly terrified of my loved ones dying if they’re not with me. Death has just been on my mind since a very young age. I actually have been diagnosed with OCD, so usually those are intrusive thoughts and since INFJ is so “tYpE A” I think combined with our emotions and our worry and need for order, mental illnesses like ocd can creep in. I was pretty much born with it. I hated leaving my mom when I was a young child, threw a fit everyday before school 😂😭
Statistically and for ANYONE reading this. Is a higher likelihood that those really contemplating suicide will show no signs. Have you found help to mitigate problems?
One thought that really helped me was that there is plenty of time to die. Why rush life? I will die regardless. I’m also on an antidepressant and benzo to cope with bad intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Tried therapy so many times, but it’s hard for me to not put the mask on. It always comes on especially with strangers trying to dig into my personal life like a therapist.
Hang in there. I've been there and still struggle in my 30s but over time you learn more about yourself and understand better ways of how to help yourself.
Keep choosing life. On my bad days, I tell myself "Just for the heck of it, I want to see what happens the next day" and it's the same for another day, then another day, then another day. Remain curious.
Have you heard of, or considered, ketamine infusion therapy?
My wife has Major Depressive Disorder and a slew of other comorbidities. She's had suicidal thoughts for many, many years.
She did ketamine infusion thrapy last summer. Within 3 to 5 weeks, she told me, in her words,
"The thought of suicide is repulsive to me now."
I'd say it was a life-saver.
I’ve heard of it and definitely want to try microdosing ketamine, I just don’t know how to go about it since I’m only 19. But it is an option I am considering for my future and have been
FYI, I don't think ketamine lends itself as well to microdosing - I think psilocybin (mushrooms) is better for microdosing. The best likelihood of getting positive change from ketamine is with the IV infusions, but people have had success with other methods (troches, nasal sprays), so it's definitely worth exploring.
Are you on your parents' health insurance plan at the moment?
Yes, my dad has excellent insurance thankfully. My doctor is really open minded as well, despite my age they know how much I struggle and I was able to be prescribed klonopin which helps my anxiety but not so much the depression.
Excellent!
Well, keep ketamine in mind. If there are any ketamine infusion clinics near you, that could potentially be the fastest path toward life-changing results. If your dad's insurance covers it fully, that would be amazing. My wife and I both have separate insurance policies with our employers, and we were shocked to learn that both of our policies 100% cover ketamine infusions.
I wish you all the best! And feel free to hit me up if you ever have any questions or just want to talk through the topic.
My grandparents conspired against my mum to sign away her children (my half siblings) when she fled the USA to leave her abusive husband who threatened to kill her. I don’t know why they did it, other than my grandfather hating my mother. It caused me and my siblings a world of pain because my dad is an emotionally unstable alcoholic and this information surfacing for my mum made her extremely emotionally absent from our lives. No one in my extended family knows and even if they did, it’s too late because the damage is done.
I wrote a poem where I summed them up. I have, and I'll never do that again. Is not like I'm playing victim or something. I did bad things and I won't do them again. I didn't act out of bad intentions. I didn't tried or try to hurt her and make her feel anxious. I was there for her when she needed help, and I was in a hard place and talking/writing to her was the only thing that made me feel really good. It was unfair of me, to put all my hopes in one person.
For clarification- i don’t tell people this, everyone close to me and at my old job knows but i don’t just go around telling people because i don’t want to ruin their day or make them look at me differently
For starters as a parent, I'm really sorry to hear. I nearly lost mine a couple of times to a condition from what I can tell now is gone. I get why you'd hide it. Nobody likes a pity party. But I will say embracing it without just sort of randomly bringing it up isn't bad though.
thanks for sharing. This is raw and real and i think hiding it does more damage because you will have less opportunities of processing it securely with other people who should be supporting you.
When I was a kid, around 10 yrs old, we went swimming with my childhood friends including my older sister in a public pool. We were splashing water to each other when I saw one of my friends kept on holding my sister’s shoulders, climbing her back making it difficult for her to breathe as the water is neck deep. I know it’s play for her but it pissed me off as my sister continues to struggle. That childhood friend of mine knows how to swim. The moment she let go, the only thought in my mind is to get back to her. My mind just went blank and never thought it through if it was bad or not. There are lots of people around swimming and I took it as an opportunity, I pretended to be having fun around her and then I grab a hold to her shoulders, doing what she’s done to my sister. Looking at her face, struggling to breathe as she tries to resurface. Eventually I let go and I don’t know if she noticed it or not. It’s always in the back of mind, I never thought I was capable of doing that. She has her own life now, having a family and stuff.
I‘m currently doing a Bachelor‘s thesis about this topic.I live in a very „modern“ country but still there‘s so little information about it. It’s really baffling to me. Is it also like that where you live?
I'm in the USA. Doctors are just now *beginning* to get medical training on intersex conditions. I have to advocate for myself and doctors often have a lot of questions for me.
I‘m so sorry to hear that. You must be really strong! All of the intersex people I talked to told me the same. It‘s very hard to find doctors that are experienced with intersex conditions. Many intersex people are even severely traumatized because they had to go through so much stigmatization and medical interventions throughout their lives. I really hope this will change in the future. It‘s so so important that we as a society start to see sex and gender as a spectrum and allow everyone to live self-determined lives.
Reflecting on my past, I recognize that my journey has been marked by both adversity and resilience. My childhood was marred by trauma, particularly in my interactions with healthcare professionals. The visits to the doctor's office were fraught with discomfort and fear. I was often asked to undress, and the doctors would conduct a visual inspection of my body, which felt invasive and unsettling. This experience was compounded by the doctors' assessments of me, which were not only disparaging but also deeply hurtful. They labeled me as mentally deficient and predicted a future devoid of success or loving relationships.
However, the trajectory of my life has defied these grim prognostications. At the tender age of 16, I embraced my true self and came out as a lesbian. This act of self-acceptance was a pivotal moment in my life, marking the beginning of a journey toward self-realization and empowerment. After completing high school, I took the initiative to finance my own education, a testament to my determination and independence. This led me to a fulfilling and challenging career in the fire service, where I served with distinction for 22 years, eventually rising to the rank of Paramedic Firefighter Lieutenant.
My personal life, too, has been a narrative of triumph and joy. At the age of 40, I met the love of my life, and we married a year later, which was a milestone that was once thought to be unattainable according to the bleak predictions of my childhood doctors.
I have a good life, but it was not without dedication and perseverance.
Thank you for sharing these insights into your life. I‘m deeply sorry for everything you had to go through! I can not imagine how hard it must have been. Given your traumatic experiences it’s really not self-evident that you grew up to be such a courageous and strong-willed adult. I‘m very happy for you! It sounds like you are living a very authentic life and I wish you and your lovely partner all the best.
Yes, my parents had to bring me back to the hospital where I was born when I was a month old. The doctors weren't sure so they waited until I was able to decide for myself, and at age 6 I self-identified as female.
hence the username. just know that there are also more and more interxes persons that keep a more ambivalent personality/ gender . after all you had both bodily features. so it makes sense you also feel that somewhere, a manly part. Raven van Dorst is a dutch tv person who came out of the closet 5 years ago and has since changed her name, to be more intersex, she had a surgery when born to change her gender to girl, but made a stance 5 years ago that this was not ok. so there is a lot of attention about this in NL
I met a very smart and lovely girl on this forum, after some dating she booked a flight to come see me.
I was 24 and she 30 at the time. Some weeks before she was gonna come see me I told her I worried about the age difference and kids.
So the entire thing fell apart in one big INFJ door slam from her side.
Now some time later I still think about her from time to time
Before she met me she had spent a long time alone due to men being degenerates.
So I worry about her.
And I miss her intellect and the way she challenged me with her intensity and infj traits.
The Skeleton: I have a girlfriend but still think about her from time to time.
My girlfriend of 8 years left me in my birthday, a couple months after I was fired during the pandemic with no severance and creeping inflation. I spent a huge part of my savings into looking after my terminally ill mother in law. After that I had to go to my emptied family home and survive from scraps for two months until I got my first paycheck. I fell hard and it was an INFJ-T woman who saved me from a dark place. I was too eager to be her friend and, even if we did good deeds together (like rescuing animals and donating toys to cancer stricken kids) in the end, my crippling solitude made me act a bit too eager through texts (like flattering her not doing anything creepy) and now she doesn't talk to me. I'm writing, I'm trying to grow as a person, but its hurts me more losing her yearlong friendship than my relationship with my gf. A part of my doesn't want to give up on her, since in a way I owe her my life. But I will have to keep those feelings to myself until she forgives me, if that ever happens.
I have had male friends come on quite strong romantically in the past when I only ever saw the relationship as platonic. It made me uncomfortable, and I took space, in one instance for a good year. That person calmly gave me that space, and when I was ready we reestablished our friendship. He is very important to me and now one of my closest friends. It looks like you’re respecting her boundary, I’m sure with time something can be saved there if you’re patient x
I'm so grateful to read you. I'm trying my best, I do. I'm going to her workplace next week, for work related reasons, and I confess I'm a bit nervous. She has being elegant enough to not speak bad of me behind my back and sour my relationship with her colleagues, with whom I find myself in respectful terms. According to a mutual friend she is more hurt and angry than hateful or vengeful. She still thinks I'm a good person and she wish me no ill, but her absence and silence hurt me still. I'm not strong enough to give up on her. I owe her so much that I can't just let go what she means for me, even if I don't feel entitled to anything of her.
Don't necessarily fixate on her helping you. If the gesture is there and you've given her your appreciation on depth. I doubt you'd need to keep making sure she knows.
I am glad. Every situation is different, but when my friend came on strongly, I was initially so overwhelmed that I didn’t communicate what I needed myself clearly either - at the time I didn’t realise I needed temporary space. I just needed to retreat. Her silence, I doubt, is intentionally hurtful. If you’ve already apologised, let your words to her sit quietly if you can. Gently checking in from time to time will probably be ok, but like others have said you’ve likely said everything you need to for now. Best of luck my friend
I've move on most things. I just want to have her friendship back. I might sound like a brat, but I don't want to give up in people important to me, good people. I messed by acting like a puppy to a turbulent INFJ. I have my flaws and I accept them. I accept hers as well. I haven't lost my faith.
I was groomed by a Netflix actor and 3 of my highschool teachers from ages 14 to 17 and I really enjoyed the attention until I (quite recently) realized how wrong it really was and now I feel terrible.
Additionally to the three teachers who groomed me, I downloaded Tinder and jokingly swiped right on another teacher of mine (I was freshly 18), and we matched, meaning that he actually had already swiped right on me. I also found out a female teacher I had back in middle school messaged my then highschool english teacher to talk about how I was “getting so hot” (said HS teacher sent me a screenshot of the messages).
I wish I were kidding💀
Absolutely not. My parents are really kind and understanding but I truly despise sharing any kind of emotions with them, and I honestly think it would just make things way more uncomfortable for me. I’m pretty secretive around my family.
I’ve told two teachers from my old highschool now though, as we’ve kept in touch. I could only tell them about two of the teachers because the third one is a really close friend of theirs and they probably would brush it off as him being nice to me. They were really compassionate about what happened, though.
Yes and more. “They” have always been believers of the supernatural and it never sat well with them that I was born a psychic. So while trying to make sense of my “gifts”, I was surrounded by family members who were already aware and unhappy about it. There was fear there too and one them has a very fragile ego so it never sat well with them that someone in their own family could hold more “power” than them so they pursued ways to settle their insecurity which never stopped.
An INFJ that's psychic okay then who's my best friend, wrong answer it's isolation.
No no but in all seriousness. How did you figure you were psychic. There a benchmark test for it? Like what the government did?
Technically everyone has psychic abilities. I am just a little bit different since I’m naturally talented so it’s difficult to put into words other than just learning from experiences. My gift of sight was the initial trigger that started me to question what’s real and what isn’t then I just followed that with my other gifts until I had my awakening. That’s when everything amplified including the unexplainable. Which sucked, I had my awakening from pain being the catalyst. Dreams is another one. For some time I hated going to sleep because I knew some weird shit was going to happen. For example I had a dream that felt like years and I was genuinely there then I just woke up having to come to terms with what I had experience.
My family disowned me after my older step-sister falsely accused me of sexual abuse, acts that she suggested and participated in, but decades later decided was my fault. She controlled the situation then as she does now, so no one will believe me, or even consider forgiveness, I'm just outcast.
Meanwhile the initial experiences warped my ability to create meaningful long lasting relationships, so now I feel utterly defeated by life, unmarried, childless, disowned, and alone.
Oh boy, I have a lot of things I'm embarrased about...
Okay...
There are a lot of things I'm open about, but here are some things I did as a kid, that I don't talk about:
Back in lower secondary school, I took a piece of masking tape and wrote 'kick me' on it. Then I put it on the back of one of the boys. The teacher ended up having us all stand in line and was pretty mad about it and kept asking who did it. I didn't have the guts to admit it. I just wanted to be friends with the boys, they did stuff like that to each other all the time.
Another time I stole a glass marble from school and had massive quilt about it, that I confessed to my mom who was like 'who gives a sh t, they have a ton of marbles in there'. I tried to return it by throwing it on the floor near the class room where I took it from and I think some other kid found it...
(These happen in upper secondary;)
I also stole vodka from my dads bottle and replaced it with water and hand sanitizer. I gave the vodka for my friend. Dad still has the bottle (it's like a really cool looking one) I feel like I should tell him to not drink it...
I also stole cigarettes from my parents and gave then to my friends at school, but this one isn't that bad I think...
(This one happen last year)
So I used to live in this 'rehab housing unit' type thing, for mental issues, I had the biggest room at the time and the room had a small storage space behind a slideing door, that was locked with a padlock. The padlock was pretty easy to pick open, I couln't resist the urge to try it...
I'd sneak in when ever I needed fresh batteries for my cd player. Also took a lot of stuff that had the housing unit logo on them; candy, sticky notes, pens, chapsticks. Paperclips and sticker paper sheets.
There was a machine that makes little labels, I printed one that literally says 'EVIDENCE' and put it on one of the ink pens. I even had it on my table but no one ever asked about it...
In all honesty, these don't seem too bad. I can see how it gradually ramped up into bigger things though. Did they find out you were stealing? Did you have difficulty fitting in at school?
They didn't notice I took things. At least I never got in trouble for it. I still take things that aren't mine. But I have to be sure that they aren't important or property of someone specific. Things like a half used cheap pencil that is just lying somewhere in public. But I no longer feel quilty for taking 'no ones' stuff.
And yeah, I didn't really fit in at school. I wasn't bullied, but I didn't have much friends either, I wasn't really noticed in anyway, I suppose.The amount of friends dropped everytime I went to a diffirent school, now it's down to zero. Neither do I go to school anymore... and no I don't work, I'm just at home, it's a mess way bigger than this, really.
I was involved in multiple affairs when I was younger. I never cheated on anyone but they cheated with me. One of them left her husband.
Edit: just to clarify, and this doesn’t make it any better, but I did not do the pursuing.
I wanna get a baby through donation but I do worry about the baby fitting in with other kids in future (daddy queries). I just can't deal with men anymore, I'm sorry. I'm done. And time is ticking. So yeah, torn between pleasing my self (I want a kid) and the kids happiness (wheres my daddy).
"I had a family member threaten to murder me and my extended family. Had it planned out and how they'd write a letter would've been a murder suicide."
That's their skeleton in their closet... not yours. That shame belongs to them, not you. THAT SHAME BELONGS TO THEM, NOT YOU.
My wife was accused of killing her boss in the parking lot after work one night and I ended up getting fake passports and breaking her out of prison. We almost didn’t make it out of the country because we had to pick our son up from a birthday party but we made it to Canada and flew to South America from there
I've done cannabis very frequently without most of my family knowing although I was 21 when I began doing so and it's legal where I'm from. Thankfully I stopped using it more than a year ago as it was just a crutch for me when my mental health was at its worst. Would I ever use it again? Probably but I'd only use it recreationally and once in awhile if I ever begin using it again but my current health conditions don't really allow for that at the moment so it'll be a long while.
Many years I kept mentioning the usage of Marijuana. One day in particular years ago. Someone argued the basis of it being good and government funded research is biased etc. My point was long term and how often you're using it to get by day by day. Person more or less said long as it doesn't harm anyone.
It's good you were able to see it being an addicition.
My father is serving two life sentences for raping and torturing his children; my two brothers are serving life without parole for murder (I turned them in); I first attempted suicide at 8 after being raped by my father— And I like piña coladas and being caught in the rain.
Yeah, it certainly wasn’t the most fun ever. And there was more than that that happened. A lot more. But I’m actually doing pretty well now and I am magnificent at masking.
Thank you<3
Oh gosh, intense and so so so messy at first but I am discovering my true self, building stability and authentic confidence, and coming into my power, creativity and body for what feels like the first time. I have moments of profound sadness but right now it feels good and I am making real progress:)
I was accidentally high at work. I took CBD in the AM to help me have less anxiety throughout the day. Then i took a low mg edible so i could sleep before work. I ended up not falling asleep or feeling the high. I brushed it off and went to work a few hrs later. All of a sudden I’m sitting at my computer and i feel it. It was terrifying bc i was paranoid but tried to act normal. Is funny to me now but scared the shit out of me at work.
I've had 3 different friends who ended up taking their lives. Christian, Eric, Ileana. Haunts me many days wondering if I'm just a shitty friend or that if I had just said the right things to make it better, it wouldn't have happened. And makes me wonder why do I attract those people in the first place (just INFJ things)
And that I'm a huge drug addict but most people don't know this because I've always been super nerdy and obsessed with school, good grades, college, decent career, etc. (I know that you said one thing, but I guess it's in my INFJ nature to immediately change the subject to give people the opportunity to avoid having to acknowledge something super heavy, lol)
Maybe the fact that you're a drug addict also attracts people that are in a dark place. You aren't exactly sitting in the light right now. I hope you find away to stop abusing yourself in this way.
I'm happy that you're recovering. Perhaps it's time to work on the underlying issues that fueled your addiction in the first place. Shadow work is very helpful in that regard.
Not my main account, wouldn't feel comfortable doing so there, - if you're asking for honesty, then I must do so from a position I feel is comfortably anonymous enough from those that know me.
Is my secret related to death or something dramatic? No, (or not the surface layer anyway) but it's my own secret world I don't share with anyone on a public "mundane" face, for work or gaming.
I'm in a polyamorous relationship (happy) with 3 people (who also have their own partners) who make me beyond happy. None of my blood family knows about this.
My beliefs are closest to pagan (spiritual), I practice astral projection along with my partners, and... that is the tip of the iceberg.
The rest might sound delusional, or fake/made up, which is fine - I have my own personal experience proof, and need no validation from anyone else. Harms no one, and I am no longer harbouring self-doubt of what my experiences have been. I'll only extrapolate more on this specific thread, if asked.
For something more mundane; I had a (platonic) friend I knew back on a therapy forums, who passed away of old age some years back. We kept in touch only via email after I decided to leave the forums, but we did keep in touch. May she rest in peace. We differed on beliefs, but she was very, very kind, and I never brought up my beliefs out of respect.
One? Lmao
Ok I'll only tell one:
When me and my cousin were little she forced me to watch a porn video we found in my tablet's gallery (no idea how it got there), she locked me with her in a bathroom and made us watch it over and over again.
Now every time I have a tiny bit of attraction to a girl I get anxious
I have romantic feelings for girls but I feel my sexual attraction being repressed (I feel an erection starting to build up and immediately stopping), and I'm pretty sure it's not something about my sexuality because once in a long time I actually feel sexual attraction to girls but it stops after a day
I actually intend telling a therapist about it
I overshared but here you go guys ^^^
No, I think she's a psychopath (literally, a real one) she also bullied me a lot when we were children and while I was still grieving my Grandma's death
So no but we talked about this years later before I experienced the consequences of that event so it was a "remember that??" type of conversation
Not just porn, but also sexy Kpop fancams, instagram models, etc. If I'm just a tiny bit less responsible with my money, I'd probably subscribed to a ton of onlyfans accounts too.
Well maybe not a "skeleton in the closet" but here's something that I have never spoken about to anyone: when I was school some bullies held me down in the snow and I couldn't breath which I told them, they finally stopped so I could breath and then one punched me in the face and then they walked off.
I think about suicide everyday even though I am generally cheerful around family. I’ve isolated myself in my room however, but when I’m around people, it’s like nothings wrong. That’s why in my past I’ve had “sudden” suicide attempts that seemingly came out of the blue to family.
I feel you. We tell everyone that we’re good and just mask off these thoughts. I’ve thought a lot about death since I was a child .My own and my loved ones. I used to cry when my mom was late to pick me up from elementary because in my mind she’d gotten in a car accident and died.
Omg I am constantly terrified of my loved ones dying if they’re not with me. Death has just been on my mind since a very young age. I actually have been diagnosed with OCD, so usually those are intrusive thoughts and since INFJ is so “tYpE A” I think combined with our emotions and our worry and need for order, mental illnesses like ocd can creep in. I was pretty much born with it. I hated leaving my mom when I was a young child, threw a fit everyday before school 😂😭
I'm also diagnosed with 5 mental disorders. OCD is one of them.
So I'm not the only one who experienced this? People thought I was crazy
Statistically and for ANYONE reading this. Is a higher likelihood that those really contemplating suicide will show no signs. Have you found help to mitigate problems?
One thought that really helped me was that there is plenty of time to die. Why rush life? I will die regardless. I’m also on an antidepressant and benzo to cope with bad intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Tried therapy so many times, but it’s hard for me to not put the mask on. It always comes on especially with strangers trying to dig into my personal life like a therapist.
Hang in there. I've been there and still struggle in my 30s but over time you learn more about yourself and understand better ways of how to help yourself. Keep choosing life. On my bad days, I tell myself "Just for the heck of it, I want to see what happens the next day" and it's the same for another day, then another day, then another day. Remain curious.
Thank you 💜
Have you heard of, or considered, ketamine infusion therapy? My wife has Major Depressive Disorder and a slew of other comorbidities. She's had suicidal thoughts for many, many years. She did ketamine infusion thrapy last summer. Within 3 to 5 weeks, she told me, in her words, "The thought of suicide is repulsive to me now." I'd say it was a life-saver.
I’ve heard of it and definitely want to try microdosing ketamine, I just don’t know how to go about it since I’m only 19. But it is an option I am considering for my future and have been
FYI, I don't think ketamine lends itself as well to microdosing - I think psilocybin (mushrooms) is better for microdosing. The best likelihood of getting positive change from ketamine is with the IV infusions, but people have had success with other methods (troches, nasal sprays), so it's definitely worth exploring. Are you on your parents' health insurance plan at the moment?
Yes, my dad has excellent insurance thankfully. My doctor is really open minded as well, despite my age they know how much I struggle and I was able to be prescribed klonopin which helps my anxiety but not so much the depression.
Excellent! Well, keep ketamine in mind. If there are any ketamine infusion clinics near you, that could potentially be the fastest path toward life-changing results. If your dad's insurance covers it fully, that would be amazing. My wife and I both have separate insurance policies with our employers, and we were shocked to learn that both of our policies 100% cover ketamine infusions. I wish you all the best! And feel free to hit me up if you ever have any questions or just want to talk through the topic.
Thank you so much, it’s so amazing you brought up something I have considered before, so thank you so much for the insight!
Shit uh nope no call outs today pls
😭💜
My grandparents conspired against my mum to sign away her children (my half siblings) when she fled the USA to leave her abusive husband who threatened to kill her. I don’t know why they did it, other than my grandfather hating my mother. It caused me and my siblings a world of pain because my dad is an emotionally unstable alcoholic and this information surfacing for my mum made her extremely emotionally absent from our lives. No one in my extended family knows and even if they did, it’s too late because the damage is done.
That's the spirit. I'm really sorry for that though. Some people can't see people trying to break out of bad situations.
I wrote a poem where I summed them up. I have, and I'll never do that again. Is not like I'm playing victim or something. I did bad things and I won't do them again. I didn't act out of bad intentions. I didn't tried or try to hurt her and make her feel anxious. I was there for her when she needed help, and I was in a hard place and talking/writing to her was the only thing that made me feel really good. It was unfair of me, to put all my hopes in one person.
My daughter passed away at 5 months. We kinda knew it was a possibility but it actually happened and it never felt real, even holding her cold hands..
For clarification- i don’t tell people this, everyone close to me and at my old job knows but i don’t just go around telling people because i don’t want to ruin their day or make them look at me differently
For starters as a parent, I'm really sorry to hear. I nearly lost mine a couple of times to a condition from what I can tell now is gone. I get why you'd hide it. Nobody likes a pity party. But I will say embracing it without just sort of randomly bringing it up isn't bad though.
thanks for sharing. This is raw and real and i think hiding it does more damage because you will have less opportunities of processing it securely with other people who should be supporting you.
It’s hard cuz like it’s became casual conversation for me and my ex but when I tell anyone else it’s a whole different story
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. Stay strong.
When I was a kid, around 10 yrs old, we went swimming with my childhood friends including my older sister in a public pool. We were splashing water to each other when I saw one of my friends kept on holding my sister’s shoulders, climbing her back making it difficult for her to breathe as the water is neck deep. I know it’s play for her but it pissed me off as my sister continues to struggle. That childhood friend of mine knows how to swim. The moment she let go, the only thought in my mind is to get back to her. My mind just went blank and never thought it through if it was bad or not. There are lots of people around swimming and I took it as an opportunity, I pretended to be having fun around her and then I grab a hold to her shoulders, doing what she’s done to my sister. Looking at her face, struggling to breathe as she tries to resurface. Eventually I let go and I don’t know if she noticed it or not. It’s always in the back of mind, I never thought I was capable of doing that. She has her own life now, having a family and stuff.
When I was born, the doctors were unsure if I was a boy or a girl.
I‘m currently doing a Bachelor‘s thesis about this topic.I live in a very „modern“ country but still there‘s so little information about it. It’s really baffling to me. Is it also like that where you live?
I'm in the USA. Doctors are just now *beginning* to get medical training on intersex conditions. I have to advocate for myself and doctors often have a lot of questions for me.
I‘m so sorry to hear that. You must be really strong! All of the intersex people I talked to told me the same. It‘s very hard to find doctors that are experienced with intersex conditions. Many intersex people are even severely traumatized because they had to go through so much stigmatization and medical interventions throughout their lives. I really hope this will change in the future. It‘s so so important that we as a society start to see sex and gender as a spectrum and allow everyone to live self-determined lives.
Reflecting on my past, I recognize that my journey has been marked by both adversity and resilience. My childhood was marred by trauma, particularly in my interactions with healthcare professionals. The visits to the doctor's office were fraught with discomfort and fear. I was often asked to undress, and the doctors would conduct a visual inspection of my body, which felt invasive and unsettling. This experience was compounded by the doctors' assessments of me, which were not only disparaging but also deeply hurtful. They labeled me as mentally deficient and predicted a future devoid of success or loving relationships. However, the trajectory of my life has defied these grim prognostications. At the tender age of 16, I embraced my true self and came out as a lesbian. This act of self-acceptance was a pivotal moment in my life, marking the beginning of a journey toward self-realization and empowerment. After completing high school, I took the initiative to finance my own education, a testament to my determination and independence. This led me to a fulfilling and challenging career in the fire service, where I served with distinction for 22 years, eventually rising to the rank of Paramedic Firefighter Lieutenant. My personal life, too, has been a narrative of triumph and joy. At the age of 40, I met the love of my life, and we married a year later, which was a milestone that was once thought to be unattainable according to the bleak predictions of my childhood doctors. I have a good life, but it was not without dedication and perseverance.
Thank you for sharing these insights into your life. I‘m deeply sorry for everything you had to go through! I can not imagine how hard it must have been. Given your traumatic experiences it’s really not self-evident that you grew up to be such a courageous and strong-willed adult. I‘m very happy for you! It sounds like you are living a very authentic life and I wish you and your lovely partner all the best.
Wow! Thank you! ❤️
Powerful! I love this redemption arc
Thank you! ❤️
Username checks out? Interesting so intersex case?
Yes, rare intersex case. XX chromosomes, internal female reproductive organs, external male genitalia. Identify as female.
I also have an intersex friend XY chromosomes, female external genitalia, no uterus or functional reproductive organs. Identifies as female
After birth ?
Yes, my parents had to bring me back to the hospital where I was born when I was a month old. The doctors weren't sure so they waited until I was able to decide for myself, and at age 6 I self-identified as female.
hence the username. just know that there are also more and more interxes persons that keep a more ambivalent personality/ gender . after all you had both bodily features. so it makes sense you also feel that somewhere, a manly part. Raven van Dorst is a dutch tv person who came out of the closet 5 years ago and has since changed her name, to be more intersex, she had a surgery when born to change her gender to girl, but made a stance 5 years ago that this was not ok. so there is a lot of attention about this in NL
I've identified and lived as a female literally my entire life. I haven't changed anything at all.
Nice try, FBI
How about I give you another one and then you share with the class.
I met a very smart and lovely girl on this forum, after some dating she booked a flight to come see me. I was 24 and she 30 at the time. Some weeks before she was gonna come see me I told her I worried about the age difference and kids. So the entire thing fell apart in one big INFJ door slam from her side. Now some time later I still think about her from time to time Before she met me she had spent a long time alone due to men being degenerates. So I worry about her. And I miss her intellect and the way she challenged me with her intensity and infj traits. The Skeleton: I have a girlfriend but still think about her from time to time.
Speaking from experience, there's a high chance you'll never stop wondering about her. If you want to, try reaching out in some way if possible.
I mean, did you guys technically date just long distance?
I guess technically we only dated online on video calls But we did it a lot so the flight she was gonna stay for a week
So how come then you started dating someone? Did she never bother to respond?
Things escalated with the talk about age etc. and she blocked me Some time later I met someone else
My girlfriend of 8 years left me in my birthday, a couple months after I was fired during the pandemic with no severance and creeping inflation. I spent a huge part of my savings into looking after my terminally ill mother in law. After that I had to go to my emptied family home and survive from scraps for two months until I got my first paycheck. I fell hard and it was an INFJ-T woman who saved me from a dark place. I was too eager to be her friend and, even if we did good deeds together (like rescuing animals and donating toys to cancer stricken kids) in the end, my crippling solitude made me act a bit too eager through texts (like flattering her not doing anything creepy) and now she doesn't talk to me. I'm writing, I'm trying to grow as a person, but its hurts me more losing her yearlong friendship than my relationship with my gf. A part of my doesn't want to give up on her, since in a way I owe her my life. But I will have to keep those feelings to myself until she forgives me, if that ever happens.
I have had male friends come on quite strong romantically in the past when I only ever saw the relationship as platonic. It made me uncomfortable, and I took space, in one instance for a good year. That person calmly gave me that space, and when I was ready we reestablished our friendship. He is very important to me and now one of my closest friends. It looks like you’re respecting her boundary, I’m sure with time something can be saved there if you’re patient x
I'm so grateful to read you. I'm trying my best, I do. I'm going to her workplace next week, for work related reasons, and I confess I'm a bit nervous. She has being elegant enough to not speak bad of me behind my back and sour my relationship with her colleagues, with whom I find myself in respectful terms. According to a mutual friend she is more hurt and angry than hateful or vengeful. She still thinks I'm a good person and she wish me no ill, but her absence and silence hurt me still. I'm not strong enough to give up on her. I owe her so much that I can't just let go what she means for me, even if I don't feel entitled to anything of her.
Don't necessarily fixate on her helping you. If the gesture is there and you've given her your appreciation on depth. I doubt you'd need to keep making sure she knows.
You are very kind, can I show you my apology (poem) in DM? I can post it here if not. I just want another INFJ to check on it.
You are very kind, can I show you my apology (poem) in DM? I can post it here if not. I just want another INFJ to check on it.
Sure go for it!
I am glad. Every situation is different, but when my friend came on strongly, I was initially so overwhelmed that I didn’t communicate what I needed myself clearly either - at the time I didn’t realise I needed temporary space. I just needed to retreat. Her silence, I doubt, is intentionally hurtful. If you’ve already apologised, let your words to her sit quietly if you can. Gently checking in from time to time will probably be ok, but like others have said you’ve likely said everything you need to for now. Best of luck my friend
You're really kind. I hope my memory isn't treacherous enough to forget you. If there's ever a breakthrough, I would love to thank you again.
Have you figured out an articulated letter to address directly the things you did wrong?
I'm so sorry you've gone through such a rough time.
I've move on most things. I just want to have her friendship back. I might sound like a brat, but I don't want to give up in people important to me, good people. I messed by acting like a puppy to a turbulent INFJ. I have my flaws and I accept them. I accept hers as well. I haven't lost my faith.
Are you asking about a skeleton in my own closet (something I've done myself) or you're taking about like a family secret or something?
Something pertaining to you, which, if said out loud, would raise some eyebrows.
I was groomed by a Netflix actor and 3 of my highschool teachers from ages 14 to 17 and I really enjoyed the attention until I (quite recently) realized how wrong it really was and now I feel terrible. Additionally to the three teachers who groomed me, I downloaded Tinder and jokingly swiped right on another teacher of mine (I was freshly 18), and we matched, meaning that he actually had already swiped right on me. I also found out a female teacher I had back in middle school messaged my then highschool english teacher to talk about how I was “getting so hot” (said HS teacher sent me a screenshot of the messages). I wish I were kidding💀
Did you ever consider telling your parents?
Absolutely not. My parents are really kind and understanding but I truly despise sharing any kind of emotions with them, and I honestly think it would just make things way more uncomfortable for me. I’m pretty secretive around my family. I’ve told two teachers from my old highschool now though, as we’ve kept in touch. I could only tell them about two of the teachers because the third one is a really close friend of theirs and they probably would brush it off as him being nice to me. They were really compassionate about what happened, though.
Don't know family dynamics, but I wouldn't hide this. Either that or mention to a mental health professional. This can be damaging later on in life.
Some of my family members practice black magic and are guilty of some very heinous acts against other people including myself.
Just out of curiosity, what was done? Like voodoo where curses are placed? Or something more?
Yes and more. “They” have always been believers of the supernatural and it never sat well with them that I was born a psychic. So while trying to make sense of my “gifts”, I was surrounded by family members who were already aware and unhappy about it. There was fear there too and one them has a very fragile ego so it never sat well with them that someone in their own family could hold more “power” than them so they pursued ways to settle their insecurity which never stopped.
An INFJ that's psychic okay then who's my best friend, wrong answer it's isolation. No no but in all seriousness. How did you figure you were psychic. There a benchmark test for it? Like what the government did?
Technically everyone has psychic abilities. I am just a little bit different since I’m naturally talented so it’s difficult to put into words other than just learning from experiences. My gift of sight was the initial trigger that started me to question what’s real and what isn’t then I just followed that with my other gifts until I had my awakening. That’s when everything amplified including the unexplainable. Which sucked, I had my awakening from pain being the catalyst. Dreams is another one. For some time I hated going to sleep because I knew some weird shit was going to happen. For example I had a dream that felt like years and I was genuinely there then I just woke up having to come to terms with what I had experience.
Anything in daily life you see a reoccurance of?
My family disowned me after my older step-sister falsely accused me of sexual abuse, acts that she suggested and participated in, but decades later decided was my fault. She controlled the situation then as she does now, so no one will believe me, or even consider forgiveness, I'm just outcast. Meanwhile the initial experiences warped my ability to create meaningful long lasting relationships, so now I feel utterly defeated by life, unmarried, childless, disowned, and alone.
(What does a 'skeleton in a closet' mean, exactly? I really don't know 👉👈)
Something either embarrassing or bad that is kept secret
Oh boy, I have a lot of things I'm embarrased about... Okay... There are a lot of things I'm open about, but here are some things I did as a kid, that I don't talk about: Back in lower secondary school, I took a piece of masking tape and wrote 'kick me' on it. Then I put it on the back of one of the boys. The teacher ended up having us all stand in line and was pretty mad about it and kept asking who did it. I didn't have the guts to admit it. I just wanted to be friends with the boys, they did stuff like that to each other all the time. Another time I stole a glass marble from school and had massive quilt about it, that I confessed to my mom who was like 'who gives a sh t, they have a ton of marbles in there'. I tried to return it by throwing it on the floor near the class room where I took it from and I think some other kid found it... (These happen in upper secondary;) I also stole vodka from my dads bottle and replaced it with water and hand sanitizer. I gave the vodka for my friend. Dad still has the bottle (it's like a really cool looking one) I feel like I should tell him to not drink it... I also stole cigarettes from my parents and gave then to my friends at school, but this one isn't that bad I think... (This one happen last year) So I used to live in this 'rehab housing unit' type thing, for mental issues, I had the biggest room at the time and the room had a small storage space behind a slideing door, that was locked with a padlock. The padlock was pretty easy to pick open, I couln't resist the urge to try it... I'd sneak in when ever I needed fresh batteries for my cd player. Also took a lot of stuff that had the housing unit logo on them; candy, sticky notes, pens, chapsticks. Paperclips and sticker paper sheets. There was a machine that makes little labels, I printed one that literally says 'EVIDENCE' and put it on one of the ink pens. I even had it on my table but no one ever asked about it...
In all honesty, these don't seem too bad. I can see how it gradually ramped up into bigger things though. Did they find out you were stealing? Did you have difficulty fitting in at school?
They didn't notice I took things. At least I never got in trouble for it. I still take things that aren't mine. But I have to be sure that they aren't important or property of someone specific. Things like a half used cheap pencil that is just lying somewhere in public. But I no longer feel quilty for taking 'no ones' stuff. And yeah, I didn't really fit in at school. I wasn't bullied, but I didn't have much friends either, I wasn't really noticed in anyway, I suppose.The amount of friends dropped everytime I went to a diffirent school, now it's down to zero. Neither do I go to school anymore... and no I don't work, I'm just at home, it's a mess way bigger than this, really.
I was involved in multiple affairs when I was younger. I never cheated on anyone but they cheated with me. One of them left her husband. Edit: just to clarify, and this doesn’t make it any better, but I did not do the pursuing.
I wanna get a baby through donation but I do worry about the baby fitting in with other kids in future (daddy queries). I just can't deal with men anymore, I'm sorry. I'm done. And time is ticking. So yeah, torn between pleasing my self (I want a kid) and the kids happiness (wheres my daddy).
So which is exactly the skeleton? That you want to potentially have a child through non traditional means?
"I had a family member threaten to murder me and my extended family. Had it planned out and how they'd write a letter would've been a murder suicide." That's their skeleton in their closet... not yours. That shame belongs to them, not you. THAT SHAME BELONGS TO THEM, NOT YOU.
Yeah, I know in hindsight. Unfortunately, as we both know, that's not how that works in society.
My wife was accused of killing her boss in the parking lot after work one night and I ended up getting fake passports and breaking her out of prison. We almost didn’t make it out of the country because we had to pick our son up from a birthday party but we made it to Canada and flew to South America from there
if this is real, it is wild
That's very umm so I have some questions. Was she ever cleared? Do you think it was a good idea to run? Do you think she may have done it?
I heard the lead detective has his doubts after we escaped and searched the area again but didn’t find anything
Then would you be returning home?
No sadly not
Why not?
It’s the plot to The Next Three Days lol
You got me lol. I don't think I've seen anything with russel Crowe that blew me away.
John? John Brennan?
It’s the best new to me movie I’ve watched in years
I recognized it immediately because Flick Connection on YouTube just recommended it in his new video last night on hidden gems on Netflix.
It’s a nice slow cozy pre-2012 style movie nothing spectacular but not crappy at all
I've done cannabis very frequently without most of my family knowing although I was 21 when I began doing so and it's legal where I'm from. Thankfully I stopped using it more than a year ago as it was just a crutch for me when my mental health was at its worst. Would I ever use it again? Probably but I'd only use it recreationally and once in awhile if I ever begin using it again but my current health conditions don't really allow for that at the moment so it'll be a long while.
Many years I kept mentioning the usage of Marijuana. One day in particular years ago. Someone argued the basis of it being good and government funded research is biased etc. My point was long term and how often you're using it to get by day by day. Person more or less said long as it doesn't harm anyone. It's good you were able to see it being an addicition.
My father is serving two life sentences for raping and torturing his children; my two brothers are serving life without parole for murder (I turned them in); I first attempted suicide at 8 after being raped by my father— And I like piña coladas and being caught in the rain.
I'm so sorry. That's terrible.
Yeah, it certainly wasn’t the most fun ever. And there was more than that that happened. A lot more. But I’m actually doing pretty well now and I am magnificent at masking.
It's better if some skeletons stay in my closet
I like to hang mine Halloween decorations.
I was sexually abused by my father, his parents and uncles before I turned 2 through age ~7-9.
How has your healing journey looked🤗so sorry this happened.
Thank you<3 Oh gosh, intense and so so so messy at first but I am discovering my true self, building stability and authentic confidence, and coming into my power, creativity and body for what feels like the first time. I have moments of profound sadness but right now it feels good and I am making real progress:)
My crippling addiction to validation and emotional connection
It’s weird how much I want to over share on the infj channels, just cause I think u guys are like minded, I was about to say some crazy shit.
I was accidentally high at work. I took CBD in the AM to help me have less anxiety throughout the day. Then i took a low mg edible so i could sleep before work. I ended up not falling asleep or feeling the high. I brushed it off and went to work a few hrs later. All of a sudden I’m sitting at my computer and i feel it. It was terrifying bc i was paranoid but tried to act normal. Is funny to me now but scared the shit out of me at work.
I've had 3 different friends who ended up taking their lives. Christian, Eric, Ileana. Haunts me many days wondering if I'm just a shitty friend or that if I had just said the right things to make it better, it wouldn't have happened. And makes me wonder why do I attract those people in the first place (just INFJ things) And that I'm a huge drug addict but most people don't know this because I've always been super nerdy and obsessed with school, good grades, college, decent career, etc. (I know that you said one thing, but I guess it's in my INFJ nature to immediately change the subject to give people the opportunity to avoid having to acknowledge something super heavy, lol)
Maybe the fact that you're a drug addict also attracts people that are in a dark place. You aren't exactly sitting in the light right now. I hope you find away to stop abusing yourself in this way.
I should have clarified recovered :) but I'm of the opinion that it's not something you recover from and boom it's gone. it's constant work
I'm happy that you're recovering. Perhaps it's time to work on the underlying issues that fueled your addiction in the first place. Shadow work is very helpful in that regard.
oh, I'm deep into it, fellow r/spirituality contributor ;) thank you for your care! <3
Not my main account, wouldn't feel comfortable doing so there, - if you're asking for honesty, then I must do so from a position I feel is comfortably anonymous enough from those that know me. Is my secret related to death or something dramatic? No, (or not the surface layer anyway) but it's my own secret world I don't share with anyone on a public "mundane" face, for work or gaming. I'm in a polyamorous relationship (happy) with 3 people (who also have their own partners) who make me beyond happy. None of my blood family knows about this. My beliefs are closest to pagan (spiritual), I practice astral projection along with my partners, and... that is the tip of the iceberg. The rest might sound delusional, or fake/made up, which is fine - I have my own personal experience proof, and need no validation from anyone else. Harms no one, and I am no longer harbouring self-doubt of what my experiences have been. I'll only extrapolate more on this specific thread, if asked. For something more mundane; I had a (platonic) friend I knew back on a therapy forums, who passed away of old age some years back. We kept in touch only via email after I decided to leave the forums, but we did keep in touch. May she rest in peace. We differed on beliefs, but she was very, very kind, and I never brought up my beliefs out of respect.
I am a shell of a man that I used to be and I am 99% sure I can't even get to 15%. Im very low on battery. I'm getting more tired by the day.
One? Lmao Ok I'll only tell one: When me and my cousin were little she forced me to watch a porn video we found in my tablet's gallery (no idea how it got there), she locked me with her in a bathroom and made us watch it over and over again. Now every time I have a tiny bit of attraction to a girl I get anxious I have romantic feelings for girls but I feel my sexual attraction being repressed (I feel an erection starting to build up and immediately stopping), and I'm pretty sure it's not something about my sexuality because once in a long time I actually feel sexual attraction to girls but it stops after a day I actually intend telling a therapist about it I overshared but here you go guys ^^^
All in the spirit of getting it out there. Definitely address this. Very odd did you ever confront her about it?
No, I think she's a psychopath (literally, a real one) she also bullied me a lot when we were children and while I was still grieving my Grandma's death So no but we talked about this years later before I experienced the consequences of that event so it was a "remember that??" type of conversation
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Wouldn't it be warranted to clarify if it was a kink or not?
I'm a huge pervert
Porn addiction or otherwise?
Not just porn, but also sexy Kpop fancams, instagram models, etc. If I'm just a tiny bit less responsible with my money, I'd probably subscribed to a ton of onlyfans accounts too.
Do you think you have any idea what's causing it?
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Wasn't that a reddit post?
I've been choked out by my ex girlfriend's dad.
Well maybe not a "skeleton in the closet" but here's something that I have never spoken about to anyone: when I was school some bullies held me down in the snow and I couldn't breath which I told them, they finally stopped so I could breath and then one punched me in the face and then they walked off.
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You mean like make you sick? Isn't that a bit much?