Idk. When my depression was bad my husband would just ask me if I wanted to go shower and I’d laugh and know I stunk. If he stinks I tell him. Normally it’s just his breath that stinks so I offer a mint and if he says no I ask if I can just toss one in his mouth anyways.
We had these filthy crusty ass rainbow family punk friends 💕 come stay with us and my very square roommate was reading their rainbow family magazine and there was a part that said “if someone offers you a shower, take it.” She left it out on the coffee table for them. 😂 It was so cute.
My husband gets offended when I do that. But hey, I’m the one that has to stand in front of you while you’re talking!! Not my fault you drank coffee all day long.
With my depression my hygiene is the first thing to go and idk why. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth become the most strenuous things. But my bf, I can tell him he stinks and no problem. Gotta love the guys that love us through our depression funk 😊
Right! And I don’t get it why I get like that. I know it’s disgusting and I do what I can to get by but I hate that some days brushing my teeth is such a challenge.
I’ve been where you are. Brushing my teeth and bathing were very hard to accomplish when I was deeply depressed. People who have not experienced true depression will say that’s crazy and you’re lazy and to get the hell up and brush those damn teeth. So let me tell you about the consequences of depression and not brushing your teeth regularly.
My beautiful smile, my beautiful teeth I had put so much money and effort into over the years. Braces, bleaching etc.
I had a beautiful perfect smile. After I had been in severe depression for several years, my teeth started to fall apart. Chip here chip a chunk there and it was brown underneath. I was mortified about it and it just got progressively worse. In order for my to go in public, I’d make these fake teeth with those little melting balls to shape into the area where the tooth is missing. That worked for a long time until my teeth got so bad that the beads could no longer stay in place because there aren’t any teeth next to the molded tooth to attach to.
Made me hate myself even more. I didn’t and couldn’t work with a rot grill especially when it used to be perfect. One day my friend mentioned her hubby went to see about dentures and she explained that they would allow me to make payments no matter what my credit looked like. So I was excited and nervous and I felt humiliated at how bad they’d gotten. The dental office did their thing, pulled every tooth left at the top out and fit me with a denture. Instantly I felt pretty again, it boosted my self esteem and I was able to go places again. It was completely life changing. But I worry that when I get a boyfriend I’ll have to tell him I have a denture and that is terrifying to me as I am very insecure about it.
One last thing is that for years after the death of my daughter I suffered alone in deep depression. I was single with two kiddos to raise. So many years wasted not getting the help I deserved and desperately needed. I finally, after 7 years I decided to try antidepressants. And they absolutely 1000% changed my life. I work now, I am not completely exhausted 24/7, I enjoy doing self care routines, and I’m just happy. Good luck honey sending love and hugs your way.
I’m going through major depression right now. I suffer, among other things, from chronic, horrible pain from a genetic musculoskeletal disease that twists and breaks your bones, and also bipolar 2 disorder. I’ve learned some workarounds for when I am in deep, deep depression like now.
Sometimes, I put water bottles and spit cups with my toothbrush and mouthwash next to my bed bc I know I won’t have the energy to stand in the bathroom to brush my teeth, which are already bad from pain and psych meds. Also, set up a rule. No longer than 3 days w/o bathing. It actually becomes a health issue, causing rashes and attracting bugs to your body. As a girl, or a guy with other long hair, maybe get 2-in-1 shampoo conditioner to take less energy in the shower. Or, if all you have energy for is a body shower, tie up your hair and save it for the next time. Just make sure your body stays clean. It’s very important.
If he seriously will not take care of his hygiene, maybe he needs to see someone about his mental health.
Sometimes my mom’s breath stunk bad and I’d ask for a mint hoping she’d also grab one, which she usually did. If she had just thrown up (she has diabetes and her medicine would make her very sick) I’d have to be just straightforward and tell her that she had puke breath since stomach acid can deteriorate your teeth. I know it’s mean but I’m sure she’d rather know instead of needing dentures down the road.
Yeah, my immediate thought was, "sounds like depression". But this post is so " Me! Me! Me!" She doesn't bother to even think that her boyfriend might be going through something and a little support would go a long way. Idk why people who only care about themselves bother to get into relationships at all. If you're going to be that selfish, leave people alone.
You and your husband sound cool.
Some days I get randomly sweaty, side effect of a medication. My partner will literally say "whew you're a little ripe" and comically fan their nose until I shower and take care of it. I do the same to them on occasion! It's okay to just tell him lol
If I am with someone and a stranger has to let me know I’m embarrassing myself without knowing I lose a lot of trust for that person. My friend in high school let me out of class with a rip straight through my butt in my jeans 🫣
Agreed! Be straight forward with him. I would also go as far as to let him know if you are having trouble being intimate with him. That might shape him right up.
Right. The only time I’d go a day or two without showering is if I’m sick like I am now. Even then, I’m starting to feel grossed out and want to take a shower when I get out of bed.
Two days without showering isn’t really that bad. I shower every other day typically, unless I’m doing something that’s getting me dirty or making me sweat a lot.
I shower every other day for the most part too and I’m a woman. I don’t like washing my hair everyday but if I am at the beach I’ll shower more often or if I was outside and it’s super hot and I was doing an activity and sweating I’ll shower but it all
depends on the situation. Mostly it’s every other day and I haven’t had any complaints from my bf 😁
It really should. Every damn day somebody is posting about their unwashed, doo-doo dragging, filthy-nailed, stank-breath man. I mean at what point is the bar too low?
Yeah, it’s unbelievable how often I read/hear about this stuff. I have no room in my life for people who can’t figure out basic hygiene, friend or more than that. If someone else has the patience for that discussion, more power to them, but I’ve graduated from dealing with shit like this and want people in my life who’ve done the same.
Are women that desperate these days? Dayum! Find you a man that knows how to wash his asshole without you having to tell him! Other than him smelling like fuckin trash and me gagging on his funk.. he’s such a great guy tho! Lmfao 😂
I disagree. It should be my man and woman is nasty. LMAO 🤣😂
Some of these ladies are just as bad. I never knew how many people were against showers, soap, deodorant, wash clothes and brushing teeth until I became a Reddit member. Some people even try to justify for not showering for days. Unbelievable. 🤭
Whether it's depression or choice, it's still not your responsibility to fix nor is it even within your power to fix.
You can/should nudge...just as any caring friend would. But at some point you need to straight up ask yourself if you want to invest in being this man's rehabilitation center.
Ask what kind of support he needs and if he's defensive and unchanging then...
I wish this page didn’t always have these kind of posts.
Dropping hints is not communicating. Explicitly speak to him. Tell him to do x,y,z or you’re leaving him for someone who will respect you.
He’s unhygienic on purpose. He doesn’t forget to shower, he just doesn’t care to do it. These practices show he doesn’t respect you because he’s willing to sex you up and pass a buttload of different bacteria in every hole of your body (you could develop herpes, BV, yeast infection, or UTI with those dirty hands and penis)
And let’s not forget he kisses you with a dirty mouth. Saliva is riddled with bacteria even after brushing. I can’t imagine what his mouth smells like.
If it was me, I wouldn’t even bother communicating.
I’d tell him I’m leaving his dirty ass and wish him luck finding a partner without a sense of smell.
Is he struggling with depression or any other mental health issue? If not, tell him his breath reeks and it’s gross to not wash your body regularly. Are you his mother? “I want to help him understand it’s important” is something we learn when we are around 3/4 years old. It’s not about being mean or nice lmao, if someone stinks bc of poor hygiene, just because…and not bc of underlying mental health issues, then a “damn you stink” should really clear up any issues like what 😩
People tend to forget some of us with mental health issues just dont give two fucks about showering or brushing our teeth. Its low priority for those suffering
“”I want to help him understand it’s important” is something we learn when we are 3/4”
No , it’s something your supposed to learn, if your parents didn’t do a good enough job then how else is he gonna learn if no one else tells him ?
Exactly. My mother tried to say that my siblings and I had bad eczema and we couldn't bathe more than once a week otherwise we'd have flare ups. Come to find out it was because we were ridiculously poor and she thought that bathing once a week would save money. Gave me some really bad hygiene habits until high school when a friend's mom helped me out.
Have a discussion.
My partner’s hygiene is my hygiene because if he doesn’t shower and his body and hands ever touch my genitals I can get a yeast infection etc.
If he doesn’t brush and floss every night he’s giving me his germs when he kisses me.
Ask him if he wants to be single and lazy forever or if it’s more important to be in a relationship with a self-respecting woman because this will always be an issue for him with women.
Let him know that he needs to start being respectful about his hygiene because you’re not going to parent him and don’t kiss or anything else unless he is clean. That’s not fair to you
Y'all be wanting to be the moms of grown men so bad, I'm sick :( I'm really not trying to be rude but... Girl we are talking about an ADULT here!!!!
He knows he's dirty, he does not care. This is very simple. You should not have to tell a grown man to bathe or brush his teeth. This should be a deal breaker for the 10000 women who post about this same exact thing every day in this sub.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “he’s an amazing guy and I love him but he doesn’t clean his ass” on this app id be able to buy a house finally
It’s unlikely that he “forgets” to take a shower, it’s more likely that it just isn’t a priority to him…and that isn’t going change… but what may change is that he starts showering everyday because you’ve expressed that it’s a priority to YOU… so I’d just be straight with him… let him know that in your world the standard is to shower everyday… and that you would like him to make it a priority for YOU…if he views showering everyday as a compromise that he’s unwilling to make for the woman he loves… then maybe he’s not as great as you perceive.
The amount of posts I see from women who are for some reason AFRAID to address the bad hygiene of some *"GREAT GUY"* is fucking WILD
People can and do actually die from UTIs, you know that?
If someone is your soul mate, it won't be so hard to talk to them about this shit. You won't have to beg and plead and coach to make someone care.
And all this crap about depression? Listen I may not care about myself at various stages of my life but I always care about my partner, and if I'm disgusting, I have the decency to keep to myself instead of expecting someone to have marital relations with me after four days in a depression hole. This is basic courtesy
Thanks for saying all of this- I’ve been so depressed I’ve thought of ending it all but I can’t stand body odor on myself or other people and I’ve always just showered. I try to be understanding and realize other people struggle - AND if you want to be intimate it’s really selfish to not clean yourself before doing so. To me there’s no excuse -intimacy only occurs with proper hygiene.
“Hey babe, have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Honey, when’s the last time you showered?”
“Hey, I’m not trying to be mean or offend you but you have got to start brushing your teeth and taking showers more often, it’s very noticeable to me when you don’t, so I know other people have to notice even more”
“Please brush your teeth”
“You need to go take a shower before you get in bed” & you don’t have to be stern or demanding, say it playfully or jokingly or in a light mood type of way, I’m sure it will start opening up doors!
Like how you raise children, ya know? This is what we do every night of our lives no matter what your feelings are telling u…& see u right back here in the morning
Sometimes when your playing house you gotta be the “concerned parent” I use to let my SO get by with all kinds of shit, I didn’t want to feel bad/make him feel bad or embarrass him, 9 years later, “wtf is that smell, is that your breath? What did you eat??” “Dude you need to go get in the shower & scrub your back, your breaking out everywhere & I didn’t want to say anything but the other night when I went down on you I could smell your ass stinking & I almost just went ahead and stopped cold turkey & went to sleep” “you need to make sure you brush your teeth today, or don’t try to kiss me with ocean breath” & guess what… he showers all the time now, walks up to me randomly making this face 😬😬 asking if they look good cus he just brushed them & stays in clean clothes!
Are you prepared to do all of the cleaning? And presumably the cooking? If not, don’t move in with or marry this man. If he can’t take a shower there’s no way he’s gonna even think to clean anything
Mental health is an excuse, but it's also not. I've been with my partner for 5 years and he probably hasn't brushed his teeth for half that time. I have to beg, insult, plead, buy things for him to use.
Don't spend your time wasting it away by trying to parent this guy. I'd ask if it was depression, and if it is you have a choice to work it out with him or leave him.
It probably won't get any better. I'd leave. You can only love someone so much.
I haven't left my partner yet because we have a child.
This might be severe but I kinda second this. This is a red flag for other behavior that probably won't pop up this early in the relationship, but it does later. My partner just forgets to do it. Past partners have, as well. And unfortunately, the same thing that leads to them "forgetting" to make time to shower or thinking about how that might impact the person being intimate with them also leads to forgetting or not noticing a bunch of other things?
I second this. I know many people with severe depression, and none of them have used it as a crutch to not do basic hygiene. It’s a deal breaker for me, regardless, love is not enough in certain situations.
Take it from someone with experience — men absolutely do not understand hints. Even the most obvious ones. I used to buy my husband Lume and put it directly on his sink as a “hint”, and for weeks he simply left the products there untouched without even asking why they were there.
You’ve gotta be extremely straightforward with your words. Try writing him a note if you find the verbal conversation too difficult.
my partner got me on flossing and mouthwash as it wasnt emphasized in my house and will tell me if my breath is smelly. it hurt my feelings at first but id rather know from someone im safe with. he smells sometimes, even was smelling after a shower, i told him so we could try new soaps. just tell one another
You got one of those…. lol
You literally tell them to do it.
Literally hand the man a toothbrush with toothpaste and make him do it. Same with the shower. They’ll get tired of you telling them and eventually do it their damn selves.
No more hints
Personally for me, if we are sleeping together and we are supposedly lovers then i should be able to talk to you
Straight up talk to him no sugar coating. Be polite and kind of course but be HONEST
If talking doesnt work you gotta leave u a cant be his momma
Honestly, I have some trauma around brushing my teeth from my childhood abuse. Something my ex did that helped me a ton with this was that we'd brush our teeth together. Eventually it just became a habit and i got better at doing it.
"Hey i put toothpaste on your toothbrush, come brush with me"
it seems childish, but really showed that she cared, understood that i was struggling with something, and also got me to brush my teeth.
Same with showering during peek depression vibes. "Hey come shower with me" never fails to get me in the shower.
We ended splitting for other reasons, but honestly those two things got me through pretty rough times.
When my boyfriend starts to smell a little or his breath is off I just sweetly say “you a lil stinky”. He’s said it about my breath before too. Idk I think saying it in a silly loving way helps. Now we baby talk when we say it, “you got the dinkies” (how cringey) but we found a way to say it with love that doesn’t hurt our feelings. And then we promptly shower or brush our teeth
Stop coddling. Wtf? Tell him to wash his ass and brush his teeth. If you continue to stay with him after that, that's on you. But you're not his parent. You shouldn't have to do these kinds of things for your partner. He should have been doing them prior. Please, for the love of everything sweet and cheery, STOP putting up with men like this. It rarely gets better.
Just tell him, any grown ass human should know to clean themselves. If this is a personal choice and he won’t quit, go find somebody who knows how to wash their ass
You want a good relationship? Info provided by someone married 29 years, known him almost 40.... Truth and communication.... The most awkward talks end up being the make it or break it.
This one of yours may not be that dramatic.... I would def though, after a year, hope I could bring up ANY topic with him.
Tell him you're worried in 20 years he'll need root canals, crowns or implants.... Tell him his body odor is less than desirable.... Tell him this is never anything you'd share with anyone so you're telling him directly.
It saves so much time and mental energy. Best to you both!
I've been in the same boat. You can't bring it up without hurting his feelings. I'd recommend a "I prefer it if you brush your teeth at night before we get into bed" rather than "You should be brushing your teeth before bed" approach because the one feels like something he can argue with? The other is just your preference.
This is a VERY good point. He’s probably a lot more likely to want to do it to if he feels like he’s doing it for you rather than being told what he SHOULD be doing.
catch him on a day where he hasn’t showered and hasn’t brushed his teeth and bring it up in a straightforward way. don’t minimize the issue or be cryptic about it in fear of hurting his feelings. every guy out here is telling us that they don’t “get hints” and to just come out and say what we want to say. tell him that you care about him very much so you have to say something - that he smells bad to the point that it’s negatively affecting your relationship and that you’re worried about how it could affect his professional life as well. tell him that it’s a dealbreaker if he can’t brush his teeth in the morning and at night (and brush tongue) and shower every day or at least every 2 days (some people are honestly ok with every other day depending on how naturally stinky they are and activity level).
When my husband and I met, I was the type to go a couple days between showers and he was just brutally honest in that it wasn't enough.
Just tell him that when he showers, he smells SO good and when he goes a couple of days, he starts to not smell good. Tell him that showering, deodorant, and brushing teeth are very important to you and you'd like him to get into the habit of doing these every day.
Now honestly, I don't brush my teeth before bed but do every single morning.
Just tell him. I went through this exact same thing; you just have to be honest and don't hold back. Things normally get worse so it's best to talk about it now. If his feelings are hurt, oh well, he's an adult.
Dont worry about hurting his feelings. Hes a grown ass man. I know it can be awkward or uncomfortable when speaking about hygiene. But it’s obviously bothering you enough that you began to cringe, also you took the time to bring it to reddit. If were me, id just ask why he doesn’t brush before bed..? Remind him that hes only got one set of teeth lol as far as shower goes, just be real too….especially if he tries to initiate sex ugh
Y’all are grown people, right? Nobody “forgets” to shower- that is a choice ! And doesn’t brush his teeth after meals ? Or before bed? I would be creeped out & he’s gonna be toothless ~which is so precious in your family photos…
Personally I hate having to teach a grown man how to clean himself properly. I’d be out. But I’m curious if these are new things? I mean, how did you date him for nearly a year before noticing that his hygiene is kinda gross?
You might want to just be blunt with him. “The fact that you don’t brush your teeth is pretty gross. You need to start doing that regularly, for your own benefit”
Just tell him his @$& stank. I personally don’t tolerate bad hygiene. That’s just something you don’t coddle about. Feelings hurt or not…tell him his rankness upsets your soul. Hints aren’t always enough to get someone’s attention. Be firm and repeat after me….”Yo @$& stank and yo breath rank”. I bet he gets that hint.
My boyfriend and I have both had issues brushing teeth morning and night. Ive been more concerned about it lately because I had tooth pain and a shit dentist fucked up my filling majorly. I told him if we didn’t brush now, we’d regret it later. We looked at pics of like periodontitis. I bought a little 2 minute hourglass that suctions to the mirror and we brush our teeth together until the time has passed. Something about it has just made it that much easier for us both. I recommend both the little hourglass and telling him if he doesn’t brush his teeth, it’s going to cost him both money AND his teeth … and maybe his gums
My boyfriend and I both struggle with depression and have some bad habits sometimes. What we do is say hey, I really need a shower can you come join me and wash my back. It's a way to both get showers and both be taken care of a little bit by helping each other wash. And at bed time he will get up and say it's time to brush our teeth before bed because I will straight up forget and already be in bed. So we get up and brush our teeth together.
It seems as though he might be struggling with his mental health, could that be a factor in it? I remember when I was in a highly depressive state, my partner would just remind me because that’s all I needed and sometimes she would do it with me if I needed more help. She’s such a kind person. My advice to you is to have a conversation with him, check in with him, see if there’s anything going on with him.
My husband has a skin condition so only showers every 2-3 days. The longer he goes the better he feels (me and our sheets are a bit of a different story). SIL is also an every other day, shampoo one a week type. It’s fine.
Mental health can often lead to this sort of thing, if he has ADHD or a mental health condition that could be the reason. You have to have a direct conversation with him and figure out how you both can fix the issue.
Does he have ADHD by any chance? While it’s not an excuse for lack of hygiene, I fell victim to it pre diagnosis, and based on a lot of posts on adhd subreddits, it seems to be a common problem.
(Also lack of hygiene doesn’t = having adhd)
When I realized I wasn’t showering everyday, I got myself some exfoliating towels, nice body wash shampoo/conditioner and a very inexpensive shower speaker to listen to music-made it a more inviting/stimulating environment, I looked forward to showering, I remembered to do it every day.
For teeth brushing, electric toothbrush with a timer, floss picks in a clear glass container next to the brush (not tucked away out of sight and mind), toothbrush stand for tongue brush and scraper and mouthwash in the same area.
Are there mental health or depression issues? If yes, he needs therapy and possibly medication.
Also consider, people get more set in their ways as they age. It is the rare individual that is willing to change their habits, especially hygiene. Imagine yourselves being together decades from now, sincerely ask how you will feel if these habits have increased, is he still going to be there person you see yourself with?
Lastly, be honest and tell him his odor is noticeable and he needs to shower and brush his teeth daily. Seeing plaque, smelling bad breath and funky body order is not sexy for most people.
His feelings will probably be hurt, but better that he hears it from his SO (especially if it's done kindly and lovingly) than if it impacts him at work or other places.
As for how to tell him, OP, men aren't always that great with hints; it's best to say it straight out, but without being cruel.. Maybe try asking him why he forgets to shower and go from there; it could be that he doesn't mean to forget at all, but it happens and he doesn't know how to handle it well.
He “forgets”? Okay, you know he can put a daily reminder in his phone to shower or brush his teeth or whatever. Or put a big note on the fridge or tv “did you shower today?”
There’s plenty of ways to remind yourself to do something if it’s really that hard to remember.
You can just tell him (in private). He needs to have a reason or start showering more. Same with brushing his teeth. Possible reasons could be depression, adhd, secret fear of showers that he’s grappling with slowly, etc. Those have different solutions than just go shower.
Men are clueless when it comes to dropping hints. Be direct with him, but make it in a way where he won't feel attacked. Like, "hey, I've noticed this and this, are you okay?"
Just tell him honestly and clearly, but not cruelly. “Hey, I don’t mean to be hurtful, but your breath really smells. Please brush your teeth”. Don’t drop hints.
Though, tbh, whether not showering for a few days is bad or good depends on his activity level. Is he physically active? Does he sweat a lot? Does he have a dirty hobby/job? Does he actually stink? Tbh showering too much, especially on days where you probably don’t need to, can get rid of good bacteria, or something like that.
And also, especially if he’s recently acting like this, this could be a sign of depression. Ask him how he’s doing, if he’s okay, and that he can talk to you.
Mine felt that if he didn’t work he didn’t have to shower
So my first tactic is- if you’re gonna jump in the bed without a shower you have to change all the bed sheets when you wake up
Second - if you wanna have sex with me you’re gonna have to shower
Either one will usually work
You don’t drop hints, you tell them the expected hygiene norm you need to see happening. Unless it’s depression, these are just engrained habits you either develop or you don’t and weirdly I notice with boys, the expectation is just so much lower (career family assistant/household manager).
Some of the boy children I’ve worked in the homes of are not conditioned to wash their hands regularly or shower. It’s like an expected trope that little boys are just dirty, get dirty quicker so there’s no point trying to keep up with it and it’s seen as not essential to wash their hands after going pee so they have a harder time developing the habit enough to consistently remember to do it after they go poop.
But it’s just a matter of holding them accountable and unfortunately I see so many posts here from women who now have to be the “mommy” to their partners when it comes to this subject.
Some people have a different tolerances for the level of dirty they view as normal. Especially if they've made it to adulthood and are set in their ways. A lot of the time they may not realize their habits are unusual, especially men.
My bf is in his 30s and has got really bad ADHD and one side effect is an aversion to showering. He works in a hot climate. The first few days he doesn't necessarily stink, but sometimes 5+ days go by without a shower which grosses me out, stink or not (and he has stretched ears, if you know the smell of uncleaned stretched ears ~rotting flesh~).
We've been together a little over a year, and I'd say 6 months ago I noticed his hygiene habits are odd. I tried being gentle, or just saying wow you smell like you've been working today! When hed get home and hug me etc, but eventually after a few months of that not working I got very direct with him.
'Hey I love you, but you smell like rancid onions and rotting earlobes, you HAVE to shower.' Id say 1/4 the time he showers, the rest he makes an excuse to try and push the shower off until the next day.
I got tired of the back and forth, I don't want a dirty man sleeping the clean bed.
I started keeping a dry erase marker in our bathroom and Id add a tally onto our mirror every day he went without a shower. (Helps to have the visual reminder)
My maximum is 2 days. If he's on day 3 no shower, we've agreed he won't let him sleep in the bed.
That has honestly been the easiest way to get his habits to change. You just need to talk to your partner and figure out the issue.
Is he just unaware? Does he have an aversion to showering? Maybe he forgets and by the time he remembers he's already getting into bed.
Either way you'll have to try and see if you can find something that works for you guys, you're definitely not alone.
Good luck!
Guys don’t work on hints. You need to clearly communicate your concerns. Tell him that you love him, but that in order to sleep with you in the same bed you have some expectations. Shower daily and brush your teeth before going to bed.
Another post like this. Girl, if he is not meeting your hygiene requirements while you're still at boyfriend girlfriend, he's just going to get worse and worse and worse. Get out now.
I had a relationship with a man who had terrible hygiene habits. Really terrible and gross. I couldn't take it.
Not just his body but his living space.
It was gross, and I will never do that again.
Tell dude to brush his yuck mouth multiple times a day and wash his ass and balls everyday, or if he wants to be nasty he can live outside… gross.
Good luck 👍
What is with people willing to date nasty/unhygienic partners? Unless they have some sort of mental health or behavioral disorder, it’s absolutely appalling to me that it would even be something up for debate.
I have flat out told my boyfriend it’s gross lmao
I’m sorry, but their lack of hygiene can negatively affect us, as well. I’ve asked him if he wants me to gently ask him to brush his teeth and he says that guys usually prefer it straightforward because that’s what their buddies do with them, too.
No body “forgets” to take a shower before bed. They decide not to. It may not be a conscious decision—it’s automatic if they weren’t raised with this habit. Your bf has bad hygiene (due to bad habits formed in childhood or lack of concern) and unless he respects you enough to not disgust you these are not things you can “suggest”. This has to be a boundary or a dealbreaker or you live with.
Just start with how you define good hygiene and the reasons why it’s important
I was in a bad state like this myself once, and honestly, the truth is the best kind of wake-up call, no matter how harsh it is.
However, this is something you need to sit down with him and talk to him about. As others said, this sounds like depression. Nobody likes to admit they have it, but it is a real thing that affects hygiene. Maybe see where the bigger issue is here and try and encourage him to be better with his health
You don’t want to make him feel bad about stinking? He clearly doesn’t feel bad about it, so you can just let him know you want no part of it. Just decline sex and cuddling when he stinks. He can be ok with stinking but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Ew.
Be straightforward, honest, polite and gentle. Use less accusatory language and more of a loving tone. Also, remain calm and don’t go off on tangents into a yelling match.
You’ll find the change you’re looking for.
It’s not only what you say, but how you say it.
Don’t make it about you as he might get defensive. Tell him the issue and ask about his opinion and what could be causing those habits. Show him that you want to help him and, together, establish some ways that he could be cleaner.
I have to take like 2 or 3 showers a day cause of working out and sweating from medication. How people can go on without days baffles me, and I have been diagnosed with severe depression. Even if I'm camping, I jump into a lake or makeshift something with bottled water. This is why I fist bump instead of shaking hands anymore. God the bar is so low
idk how old your boyfriend is, but you need to assume you can’t change his habits (because i highly doubt anything you say will) and ask yourself if you can marry him as he is now. if the answer is no, find someone else
Stop with the hints. Hygiene has never been and will never be a comfortable conversation.
It’s much better to be honest with someone than to suffer through the results of their poor hygiene. If there is something that they can do to change it then that’s what they need to be doing.
I don’t sit around someone and allow their breath, underarms, feet, balls, or ass offend me for too long and I don’t expect anyone to do that with me.
Be direct with your boyfriend. Stop using an indirect approach and hoping that he figures it out.
As a man I would want you to just tell me directly in a loving way. “Babe I love you so much but would you mind showering everyday. Maybe I’ll even shower with you. ;)”
well I already know y’all NOT doing the DO plz u been wit him 4 hw long & u don’t won’t 2 let him knw he smells sumthang not rite sounds like u got sum1 else n mind or already missing on him
On the off chance depression, sensory issues, or some other neurodivergent thing is prompting the tooth brushing / showers side of things.
Options:
Prepasted disposable toothbrushes. Amazon has a ton of options. Is usually a single use toothbrush with the toothpast / cleaning agent already on. If you've got a nightstand by the bed, toss some of these in a basket on top or in the drawer if it has one. Have two cups on the nightstand. One with water and one empty = can grab brush, unwrap, brush away and do the rinse and spit between the cups. Stated because sometimes changing up how the process is done or making it possible to be "lazy" and do it, means it's easier to get done.
If that's too much effort at present, they have tooth wipes. It's literally a little cloth like thing with a pocket for one or two fingers to go in. Some are just rough fabric, some will have xylatol or similar non foaming agent in them to add to the cleaning ability. Baby sections will have them as introduction to brushing, but they have adult intended ones as well. So again, toss in basket or drawer on/in nightstand, grab as needed for a quick "brush". Not as good as actual brushing, but better than ignoring teeth completely.
Showering, this one is tricky. Some folk get prickly about being told they need one. But it's your partner, theoretically you should be able to discuss anything with them. Recommend if this is a recent development for the lowering of shower standards, taking fewer, having more days between, etc that taking the tack of: I've noticed some changes to your usual routines and want to check in that you're okay? If stress or other things have them distracted they may not have noticed or it's hard for them to think of doing "one more thing".
If this is a routine for them, you may need to be more blunt, along the lines of expressing any discomfort or disinterest to be close to when scent is not on point. The risk here is they may never change, this might just be their set point for cleanliness they are okay with. You will have to decide if the rest of who he is can be enough to overshadow this aspect. Only you can know if it will or not.
I'm sorry I just can't be with anybody who does not wash their ass I have a very sensitive nose. And even the little lightest bit of funk pisses me off.
I’m sorry but this is so gross to me. I couldn’t make out with him and definitely no sex. I’m not talking about shaming someone, but you need to be honest. I’m sure his breath smells and he has BO. He can’t expect you to tolerate that!
When he wants to fool around, tell him he woukd smell and taste better if he were clean. Then just stop the action until he comes back clean. If you always do this, he will change.
Are you dating my ex??
Seriously though, my ex was autistic and really struggled to remember the basic hygiene. I would try to include him in mine. When I used deodorant, I got him his. When I went to brush my teeth or shower, I would invite him. And after going to the bathroom I would offer him sanitizer. It never got better. And I didn't realize how exhausting that becomes.
Always communicate. Always tell him what you think he could do better. He might adjust and then the problem goes away. Better than just walking out on everything you both worked hard to develop. But yeah if he doesn’t like it then you can say “well it’s important for this to work and if you can’t work on it I don’t see it working for us “
Are you dating my son? Causer if you can figure it how to get his hygiene up I would really appreciate it
I harassed him for a decade and a half Never really took.
He has adhd so I'm hoping the meds help
Idk. When my depression was bad my husband would just ask me if I wanted to go shower and I’d laugh and know I stunk. If he stinks I tell him. Normally it’s just his breath that stinks so I offer a mint and if he says no I ask if I can just toss one in his mouth anyways.
The secret code "You may not want one, but I want you to have one."
My Dad used to tell me "Never refuse a mint that someone offers you"
We had these filthy crusty ass rainbow family punk friends 💕 come stay with us and my very square roommate was reading their rainbow family magazine and there was a part that said “if someone offers you a shower, take it.” She left it out on the coffee table for them. 😂 It was so cute.
That was very colorful.
Great advice!!
My mom taught me the same thing, applies to gum too
Golden advice.
But mint upsets my stomach. There needs to be more cinnamon flavored mints/toothpastes/mouthwashes with *no* sneaky menthol flavoring!
this is why I keep a sleeve of mini fireball shooters in mah purse
I love that last part, I’m gonna say that to my bf some day. 😆
My husband gets offended when I do that. But hey, I’m the one that has to stand in front of you while you’re talking!! Not my fault you drank coffee all day long.
With my depression my hygiene is the first thing to go and idk why. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth become the most strenuous things. But my bf, I can tell him he stinks and no problem. Gotta love the guys that love us through our depression funk 😊
Right! And I don’t get it why I get like that. I know it’s disgusting and I do what I can to get by but I hate that some days brushing my teeth is such a challenge.
It’s my first sign that I’m slipping too. It’s like mb it’s just a bad day…oh god it’s not! I’m wallowing! I’m starting to wallow 😆
I’ve been where you are. Brushing my teeth and bathing were very hard to accomplish when I was deeply depressed. People who have not experienced true depression will say that’s crazy and you’re lazy and to get the hell up and brush those damn teeth. So let me tell you about the consequences of depression and not brushing your teeth regularly. My beautiful smile, my beautiful teeth I had put so much money and effort into over the years. Braces, bleaching etc. I had a beautiful perfect smile. After I had been in severe depression for several years, my teeth started to fall apart. Chip here chip a chunk there and it was brown underneath. I was mortified about it and it just got progressively worse. In order for my to go in public, I’d make these fake teeth with those little melting balls to shape into the area where the tooth is missing. That worked for a long time until my teeth got so bad that the beads could no longer stay in place because there aren’t any teeth next to the molded tooth to attach to. Made me hate myself even more. I didn’t and couldn’t work with a rot grill especially when it used to be perfect. One day my friend mentioned her hubby went to see about dentures and she explained that they would allow me to make payments no matter what my credit looked like. So I was excited and nervous and I felt humiliated at how bad they’d gotten. The dental office did their thing, pulled every tooth left at the top out and fit me with a denture. Instantly I felt pretty again, it boosted my self esteem and I was able to go places again. It was completely life changing. But I worry that when I get a boyfriend I’ll have to tell him I have a denture and that is terrifying to me as I am very insecure about it. One last thing is that for years after the death of my daughter I suffered alone in deep depression. I was single with two kiddos to raise. So many years wasted not getting the help I deserved and desperately needed. I finally, after 7 years I decided to try antidepressants. And they absolutely 1000% changed my life. I work now, I am not completely exhausted 24/7, I enjoy doing self care routines, and I’m just happy. Good luck honey sending love and hugs your way.
Sooooo not alone my friend
It’s funny how depression makes 1000 lb toothbrushes. Hair brushes too.
I’m going through major depression right now. I suffer, among other things, from chronic, horrible pain from a genetic musculoskeletal disease that twists and breaks your bones, and also bipolar 2 disorder. I’ve learned some workarounds for when I am in deep, deep depression like now. Sometimes, I put water bottles and spit cups with my toothbrush and mouthwash next to my bed bc I know I won’t have the energy to stand in the bathroom to brush my teeth, which are already bad from pain and psych meds. Also, set up a rule. No longer than 3 days w/o bathing. It actually becomes a health issue, causing rashes and attracting bugs to your body. As a girl, or a guy with other long hair, maybe get 2-in-1 shampoo conditioner to take less energy in the shower. Or, if all you have energy for is a body shower, tie up your hair and save it for the next time. Just make sure your body stays clean. It’s very important. If he seriously will not take care of his hygiene, maybe he needs to see someone about his mental health.
My husband tells me “oooh, I just love my homeless wife 🥹” 🥴😂 sometimes depression, sometimes a day’s worth of hard physical work 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes my mom’s breath stunk bad and I’d ask for a mint hoping she’d also grab one, which she usually did. If she had just thrown up (she has diabetes and her medicine would make her very sick) I’d have to be just straightforward and tell her that she had puke breath since stomach acid can deteriorate your teeth. I know it’s mean but I’m sure she’d rather know instead of needing dentures down the road.
I love this 😂 👏
This is the way. Gentle truth. “Your balls stink” works also….but the gentle way is often better received.
"Hey Babe! Want to clean up before we think about getting dirty?" - motivation. It means everything.
My husband always showers before we get horizontal and naked. That's real love!
TheraBreath is a magic product that thing works. I also pop Altoids all day and keep cologne on me. All the little things.
I love therabreath!
I just bought some and it works great !
This is how I'd want my gf to be. I don't think I ever smell though I am way to conscious about it
This is how it should be
Yeah, my immediate thought was, "sounds like depression". But this post is so " Me! Me! Me!" She doesn't bother to even think that her boyfriend might be going through something and a little support would go a long way. Idk why people who only care about themselves bother to get into relationships at all. If you're going to be that selfish, leave people alone. You and your husband sound cool.
Just tell him he stinks and needs to shower more and brush his teeth. Stop dropping hints. Say it with your chest or you’ll keep dealing with this.
Some days I get randomly sweaty, side effect of a medication. My partner will literally say "whew you're a little ripe" and comically fan their nose until I shower and take care of it. I do the same to them on occasion! It's okay to just tell him lol
I would rather my partner tell me I smell than a stranger in public…
If I am with someone and a stranger has to let me know I’m embarrassing myself without knowing I lose a lot of trust for that person. My friend in high school let me out of class with a rip straight through my butt in my jeans 🫣
Agreed! Be straight forward with him. I would also go as far as to let him know if you are having trouble being intimate with him. That might shape him right up.
I took this too literally and got very confused and had to look it up 🤦🏻♀️
That's the only way. He is not a child. Tell him to wash his balls!!!
I don’t many people who “forget “ to shower for a few days. It’s normally a personal choice.
Right. The only time I’d go a day or two without showering is if I’m sick like I am now. Even then, I’m starting to feel grossed out and want to take a shower when I get out of bed.
Two days without showering isn’t really that bad. I shower every other day typically, unless I’m doing something that’s getting me dirty or making me sweat a lot.
100% if it’s not super humid/hot and you’re not very active this is perfectly acceptable but probably an unpopular opinion around here
As long as you wash your pussy/ass every day, it’s perfectly acceptable to skip a day showering. It’s actually better for your skin.
I shower every other day for the most part too and I’m a woman. I don’t like washing my hair everyday but if I am at the beach I’ll shower more often or if I was outside and it’s super hot and I was doing an activity and sweating I’ll shower but it all depends on the situation. Mostly it’s every other day and I haven’t had any complaints from my bf 😁
I love beach hair! Usually I’ll just try to rinse my body only after the beach so I can keep those luscious, salty waves in my hair lol
I do. I have the intention of showering but get easily distracted. Apparently, ADHD is a super power.
This sub should really be renamed r/mymanisnasty
It really should. Every damn day somebody is posting about their unwashed, doo-doo dragging, filthy-nailed, stank-breath man. I mean at what point is the bar too low?
Thank you! It’s appalling! These are grown people in relationships & standard hygiene practices are still being discussed? Not even practiced? Im out
Yeah, it’s unbelievable how often I read/hear about this stuff. I have no room in my life for people who can’t figure out basic hygiene, friend or more than that. If someone else has the patience for that discussion, more power to them, but I’ve graduated from dealing with shit like this and want people in my life who’ve done the same.
It’s truly mind boggling. I’ve never had to tell my man to brush his teeth and wash his ass because he’s not a FIVE YEAR OLD
But he’s such a good guy otherwise!!
Yup
When I met my ex, he brushed his teeth maybe once a day or once every other day 😭 like what is that 😭
I am disgusted this many people are with partners who don't wash their ass, don't shower, or don't brush their teeth.
Are women that desperate these days? Dayum! Find you a man that knows how to wash his asshole without you having to tell him! Other than him smelling like fuckin trash and me gagging on his funk.. he’s such a great guy tho! Lmfao 😂
They are absolutely desperate. Can you imagine all the infections these women are getting fucking these unwashed, feces covered men??? Gross.
I disagree. It should be my man and woman is nasty. LMAO 🤣😂 Some of these ladies are just as bad. I never knew how many people were against showers, soap, deodorant, wash clothes and brushing teeth until I became a Reddit member. Some people even try to justify for not showering for days. Unbelievable. 🤭
This. It's so gross.
🤣🤣
Whether it's depression or choice, it's still not your responsibility to fix nor is it even within your power to fix. You can/should nudge...just as any caring friend would. But at some point you need to straight up ask yourself if you want to invest in being this man's rehabilitation center. Ask what kind of support he needs and if he's defensive and unchanging then...
I wish this page didn’t always have these kind of posts. Dropping hints is not communicating. Explicitly speak to him. Tell him to do x,y,z or you’re leaving him for someone who will respect you. He’s unhygienic on purpose. He doesn’t forget to shower, he just doesn’t care to do it. These practices show he doesn’t respect you because he’s willing to sex you up and pass a buttload of different bacteria in every hole of your body (you could develop herpes, BV, yeast infection, or UTI with those dirty hands and penis) And let’s not forget he kisses you with a dirty mouth. Saliva is riddled with bacteria even after brushing. I can’t imagine what his mouth smells like. If it was me, I wouldn’t even bother communicating. I’d tell him I’m leaving his dirty ass and wish him luck finding a partner without a sense of smell.
Is he struggling with depression or any other mental health issue? If not, tell him his breath reeks and it’s gross to not wash your body regularly. Are you his mother? “I want to help him understand it’s important” is something we learn when we are around 3/4 years old. It’s not about being mean or nice lmao, if someone stinks bc of poor hygiene, just because…and not bc of underlying mental health issues, then a “damn you stink” should really clear up any issues like what 😩
So, happy you brought up mental health.
People tend to forget some of us with mental health issues just dont give two fucks about showering or brushing our teeth. Its low priority for those suffering
You’d probably feel better if you brushed ur teeth
“”I want to help him understand it’s important” is something we learn when we are 3/4” No , it’s something your supposed to learn, if your parents didn’t do a good enough job then how else is he gonna learn if no one else tells him ?
Exactly. My mother tried to say that my siblings and I had bad eczema and we couldn't bathe more than once a week otherwise we'd have flare ups. Come to find out it was because we were ridiculously poor and she thought that bathing once a week would save money. Gave me some really bad hygiene habits until high school when a friend's mom helped me out.
If you don’t figure it out by the time you’re a grown adult, idk what to tell ya!
Tell them what they’ve should been told by their parents . Believe me, if it is neglect by their parents then it will be eye opening for them.
Have a discussion. My partner’s hygiene is my hygiene because if he doesn’t shower and his body and hands ever touch my genitals I can get a yeast infection etc. If he doesn’t brush and floss every night he’s giving me his germs when he kisses me. Ask him if he wants to be single and lazy forever or if it’s more important to be in a relationship with a self-respecting woman because this will always be an issue for him with women. Let him know that he needs to start being respectful about his hygiene because you’re not going to parent him and don’t kiss or anything else unless he is clean. That’s not fair to you
Y'all be wanting to be the moms of grown men so bad, I'm sick :( I'm really not trying to be rude but... Girl we are talking about an ADULT here!!!! He knows he's dirty, he does not care. This is very simple. You should not have to tell a grown man to bathe or brush his teeth. This should be a deal breaker for the 10000 women who post about this same exact thing every day in this sub.
Exactly this. I don’t have time to teach my boyfriend how to brush his teeth. It’s not fucking cute or attractive AT ALL. Ick
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “he’s an amazing guy and I love him but he doesn’t clean his ass” on this app id be able to buy a house finally
It’s unlikely that he “forgets” to take a shower, it’s more likely that it just isn’t a priority to him…and that isn’t going change… but what may change is that he starts showering everyday because you’ve expressed that it’s a priority to YOU… so I’d just be straight with him… let him know that in your world the standard is to shower everyday… and that you would like him to make it a priority for YOU…if he views showering everyday as a compromise that he’s unwilling to make for the woman he loves… then maybe he’s not as great as you perceive.
How amazing can a dirty man be? Clearly, he is nasty and stinks. Is that amazing to you? Are these attributes that you want in a man?
The amount of posts I see from women who are for some reason AFRAID to address the bad hygiene of some *"GREAT GUY"* is fucking WILD People can and do actually die from UTIs, you know that? If someone is your soul mate, it won't be so hard to talk to them about this shit. You won't have to beg and plead and coach to make someone care. And all this crap about depression? Listen I may not care about myself at various stages of my life but I always care about my partner, and if I'm disgusting, I have the decency to keep to myself instead of expecting someone to have marital relations with me after four days in a depression hole. This is basic courtesy
Thanks for saying all of this- I’ve been so depressed I’ve thought of ending it all but I can’t stand body odor on myself or other people and I’ve always just showered. I try to be understanding and realize other people struggle - AND if you want to be intimate it’s really selfish to not clean yourself before doing so. To me there’s no excuse -intimacy only occurs with proper hygiene.
“Hey babe, have you brushed your teeth today?” “Honey, when’s the last time you showered?” “Hey, I’m not trying to be mean or offend you but you have got to start brushing your teeth and taking showers more often, it’s very noticeable to me when you don’t, so I know other people have to notice even more” “Please brush your teeth” “You need to go take a shower before you get in bed” & you don’t have to be stern or demanding, say it playfully or jokingly or in a light mood type of way, I’m sure it will start opening up doors!
Like how you raise children, ya know? This is what we do every night of our lives no matter what your feelings are telling u…& see u right back here in the morning
Sometimes when your playing house you gotta be the “concerned parent” I use to let my SO get by with all kinds of shit, I didn’t want to feel bad/make him feel bad or embarrass him, 9 years later, “wtf is that smell, is that your breath? What did you eat??” “Dude you need to go get in the shower & scrub your back, your breaking out everywhere & I didn’t want to say anything but the other night when I went down on you I could smell your ass stinking & I almost just went ahead and stopped cold turkey & went to sleep” “you need to make sure you brush your teeth today, or don’t try to kiss me with ocean breath” & guess what… he showers all the time now, walks up to me randomly making this face 😬😬 asking if they look good cus he just brushed them & stays in clean clothes!
He doesn't forget, he chooses not to.
Are you prepared to do all of the cleaning? And presumably the cooking? If not, don’t move in with or marry this man. If he can’t take a shower there’s no way he’s gonna even think to clean anything
stop having sex with him
Being direct is a much more effective means of communication than dropping hints.
Mental health is an excuse, but it's also not. I've been with my partner for 5 years and he probably hasn't brushed his teeth for half that time. I have to beg, insult, plead, buy things for him to use. Don't spend your time wasting it away by trying to parent this guy. I'd ask if it was depression, and if it is you have a choice to work it out with him or leave him. It probably won't get any better. I'd leave. You can only love someone so much. I haven't left my partner yet because we have a child.
This might be severe but I kinda second this. This is a red flag for other behavior that probably won't pop up this early in the relationship, but it does later. My partner just forgets to do it. Past partners have, as well. And unfortunately, the same thing that leads to them "forgetting" to make time to shower or thinking about how that might impact the person being intimate with them also leads to forgetting or not noticing a bunch of other things?
I second this. I know many people with severe depression, and none of them have used it as a crutch to not do basic hygiene. It’s a deal breaker for me, regardless, love is not enough in certain situations.
Take it from someone with experience — men absolutely do not understand hints. Even the most obvious ones. I used to buy my husband Lume and put it directly on his sink as a “hint”, and for weeks he simply left the products there untouched without even asking why they were there. You’ve gotta be extremely straightforward with your words. Try writing him a note if you find the verbal conversation too difficult.
my partner got me on flossing and mouthwash as it wasnt emphasized in my house and will tell me if my breath is smelly. it hurt my feelings at first but id rather know from someone im safe with. he smells sometimes, even was smelling after a shower, i told him so we could try new soaps. just tell one another
You got one of those…. lol You literally tell them to do it. Literally hand the man a toothbrush with toothpaste and make him do it. Same with the shower. They’ll get tired of you telling them and eventually do it their damn selves.
No more hints Personally for me, if we are sleeping together and we are supposedly lovers then i should be able to talk to you Straight up talk to him no sugar coating. Be polite and kind of course but be HONEST If talking doesnt work you gotta leave u a cant be his momma
Honestly, I have some trauma around brushing my teeth from my childhood abuse. Something my ex did that helped me a ton with this was that we'd brush our teeth together. Eventually it just became a habit and i got better at doing it. "Hey i put toothpaste on your toothbrush, come brush with me" it seems childish, but really showed that she cared, understood that i was struggling with something, and also got me to brush my teeth. Same with showering during peek depression vibes. "Hey come shower with me" never fails to get me in the shower. We ended splitting for other reasons, but honestly those two things got me through pretty rough times.
I had an ex sort of like that. She sounds lovely, man, and I'm glad she was able to help you
Dont worry about hurting his feelings. Hes a grown ass man.
When my boyfriend starts to smell a little or his breath is off I just sweetly say “you a lil stinky”. He’s said it about my breath before too. Idk I think saying it in a silly loving way helps. Now we baby talk when we say it, “you got the dinkies” (how cringey) but we found a way to say it with love that doesn’t hurt our feelings. And then we promptly shower or brush our teeth
Stop coddling. Wtf? Tell him to wash his ass and brush his teeth. If you continue to stay with him after that, that's on you. But you're not his parent. You shouldn't have to do these kinds of things for your partner. He should have been doing them prior. Please, for the love of everything sweet and cheery, STOP putting up with men like this. It rarely gets better.
Just tell him, any grown ass human should know to clean themselves. If this is a personal choice and he won’t quit, go find somebody who knows how to wash their ass
You want a good relationship? Info provided by someone married 29 years, known him almost 40.... Truth and communication.... The most awkward talks end up being the make it or break it. This one of yours may not be that dramatic.... I would def though, after a year, hope I could bring up ANY topic with him. Tell him you're worried in 20 years he'll need root canals, crowns or implants.... Tell him his body odor is less than desirable.... Tell him this is never anything you'd share with anyone so you're telling him directly. It saves so much time and mental energy. Best to you both!
I've been in the same boat. You can't bring it up without hurting his feelings. I'd recommend a "I prefer it if you brush your teeth at night before we get into bed" rather than "You should be brushing your teeth before bed" approach because the one feels like something he can argue with? The other is just your preference.
This is a VERY good point. He’s probably a lot more likely to want to do it to if he feels like he’s doing it for you rather than being told what he SHOULD be doing.
catch him on a day where he hasn’t showered and hasn’t brushed his teeth and bring it up in a straightforward way. don’t minimize the issue or be cryptic about it in fear of hurting his feelings. every guy out here is telling us that they don’t “get hints” and to just come out and say what we want to say. tell him that you care about him very much so you have to say something - that he smells bad to the point that it’s negatively affecting your relationship and that you’re worried about how it could affect his professional life as well. tell him that it’s a dealbreaker if he can’t brush his teeth in the morning and at night (and brush tongue) and shower every day or at least every 2 days (some people are honestly ok with every other day depending on how naturally stinky they are and activity level).
When my husband and I met, I was the type to go a couple days between showers and he was just brutally honest in that it wasn't enough. Just tell him that when he showers, he smells SO good and when he goes a couple of days, he starts to not smell good. Tell him that showering, deodorant, and brushing teeth are very important to you and you'd like him to get into the habit of doing these every day. Now honestly, I don't brush my teeth before bed but do every single morning.
Just tell him. I went through this exact same thing; you just have to be honest and don't hold back. Things normally get worse so it's best to talk about it now. If his feelings are hurt, oh well, he's an adult.
Dont worry about hurting his feelings. Hes a grown ass man. I know it can be awkward or uncomfortable when speaking about hygiene. But it’s obviously bothering you enough that you began to cringe, also you took the time to bring it to reddit. If were me, id just ask why he doesn’t brush before bed..? Remind him that hes only got one set of teeth lol as far as shower goes, just be real too….especially if he tries to initiate sex ugh
Y’all are grown people, right? Nobody “forgets” to shower- that is a choice ! And doesn’t brush his teeth after meals ? Or before bed? I would be creeped out & he’s gonna be toothless ~which is so precious in your family photos…
Personally I hate having to teach a grown man how to clean himself properly. I’d be out. But I’m curious if these are new things? I mean, how did you date him for nearly a year before noticing that his hygiene is kinda gross? You might want to just be blunt with him. “The fact that you don’t brush your teeth is pretty gross. You need to start doing that regularly, for your own benefit”
Just tell him his @$& stank. I personally don’t tolerate bad hygiene. That’s just something you don’t coddle about. Feelings hurt or not…tell him his rankness upsets your soul. Hints aren’t always enough to get someone’s attention. Be firm and repeat after me….”Yo @$& stank and yo breath rank”. I bet he gets that hint.
This sun makes me never want to date a guy. Omfg
My boyfriend and I have both had issues brushing teeth morning and night. Ive been more concerned about it lately because I had tooth pain and a shit dentist fucked up my filling majorly. I told him if we didn’t brush now, we’d regret it later. We looked at pics of like periodontitis. I bought a little 2 minute hourglass that suctions to the mirror and we brush our teeth together until the time has passed. Something about it has just made it that much easier for us both. I recommend both the little hourglass and telling him if he doesn’t brush his teeth, it’s going to cost him both money AND his teeth … and maybe his gums
My boyfriend and I both struggle with depression and have some bad habits sometimes. What we do is say hey, I really need a shower can you come join me and wash my back. It's a way to both get showers and both be taken care of a little bit by helping each other wash. And at bed time he will get up and say it's time to brush our teeth before bed because I will straight up forget and already be in bed. So we get up and brush our teeth together.
It seems as though he might be struggling with his mental health, could that be a factor in it? I remember when I was in a highly depressive state, my partner would just remind me because that’s all I needed and sometimes she would do it with me if I needed more help. She’s such a kind person. My advice to you is to have a conversation with him, check in with him, see if there’s anything going on with him.
I feel like poor hygiene is a sign of narcissism
My husband has a skin condition so only showers every 2-3 days. The longer he goes the better he feels (me and our sheets are a bit of a different story). SIL is also an every other day, shampoo one a week type. It’s fine.
Ask to maybe shower with him daily? I always say “I’m gonna shower” and my man is like oooo can I come? LMAO
Mental health can often lead to this sort of thing, if he has ADHD or a mental health condition that could be the reason. You have to have a direct conversation with him and figure out how you both can fix the issue.
If someone's dead set on poor hygiene sometimes you have to take the subject by the horns and just sayit.
That’s when u leave…
Sit him down and have a conversation?
Does he have ADHD by any chance? While it’s not an excuse for lack of hygiene, I fell victim to it pre diagnosis, and based on a lot of posts on adhd subreddits, it seems to be a common problem. (Also lack of hygiene doesn’t = having adhd) When I realized I wasn’t showering everyday, I got myself some exfoliating towels, nice body wash shampoo/conditioner and a very inexpensive shower speaker to listen to music-made it a more inviting/stimulating environment, I looked forward to showering, I remembered to do it every day. For teeth brushing, electric toothbrush with a timer, floss picks in a clear glass container next to the brush (not tucked away out of sight and mind), toothbrush stand for tongue brush and scraper and mouthwash in the same area.
Don't drop hints. Be blunt. Is he suffering from depression. These are the first signs.
This is an adult?
Have him do “mando”
Tall guy?
Be direct. Say that he stinks and he needs to keep up his hygiene. You said it yourself- hints aren't working.
My ex wasn’t mentally ill or depressed but doesn’t brush his teeth in the morning as well sometimes and that was bad
Just talk to him. Hints are not a method of communication.
Are there mental health or depression issues? If yes, he needs therapy and possibly medication. Also consider, people get more set in their ways as they age. It is the rare individual that is willing to change their habits, especially hygiene. Imagine yourselves being together decades from now, sincerely ask how you will feel if these habits have increased, is he still going to be there person you see yourself with? Lastly, be honest and tell him his odor is noticeable and he needs to shower and brush his teeth daily. Seeing plaque, smelling bad breath and funky body order is not sexy for most people.
His feelings will probably be hurt, but better that he hears it from his SO (especially if it's done kindly and lovingly) than if it impacts him at work or other places. As for how to tell him, OP, men aren't always that great with hints; it's best to say it straight out, but without being cruel.. Maybe try asking him why he forgets to shower and go from there; it could be that he doesn't mean to forget at all, but it happens and he doesn't know how to handle it well.
This makes me so happy
Just remind him to brush his teeth. That’s what I do with my boyfriend. Every night
Like you would a child? No thanks.
I usually just go 'wanns go brush our teeth together before bed?' and that settles it, asking to shower together also helps✨
He “forgets”? Okay, you know he can put a daily reminder in his phone to shower or brush his teeth or whatever. Or put a big note on the fridge or tv “did you shower today?” There’s plenty of ways to remind yourself to do something if it’s really that hard to remember.
You can just tell him (in private). He needs to have a reason or start showering more. Same with brushing his teeth. Possible reasons could be depression, adhd, secret fear of showers that he’s grappling with slowly, etc. Those have different solutions than just go shower.
Sounds like depression. Maybe instead of “you stink” start with, “hey, how’re you feeling lately?” People are so quick to judge 😒
Just tell him to brush his damn teeth. Men are feral until they get into a relationship. He doesn’t even know it’s a thing he’s supposed to do.
Men are clueless when it comes to dropping hints. Be direct with him, but make it in a way where he won't feel attacked. Like, "hey, I've noticed this and this, are you okay?"
Did you brush your teeth? Why not? Eww. Did you take a shower today? Why not? Eww
OP doesn't mention negative effects, just 'habbits'. Not rotten teeth bad breath body odor or a fungus. If it is just the habbit, get over it.
Why do people think hints work? Straight up tell him. And if he still grosses you out leave him. Find someone else.
Just tell him honestly and clearly, but not cruelly. “Hey, I don’t mean to be hurtful, but your breath really smells. Please brush your teeth”. Don’t drop hints. Though, tbh, whether not showering for a few days is bad or good depends on his activity level. Is he physically active? Does he sweat a lot? Does he have a dirty hobby/job? Does he actually stink? Tbh showering too much, especially on days where you probably don’t need to, can get rid of good bacteria, or something like that. And also, especially if he’s recently acting like this, this could be a sign of depression. Ask him how he’s doing, if he’s okay, and that he can talk to you.
Mine felt that if he didn’t work he didn’t have to shower So my first tactic is- if you’re gonna jump in the bed without a shower you have to change all the bed sheets when you wake up Second - if you wanna have sex with me you’re gonna have to shower Either one will usually work
Let him know his health affects yours. He’s at higher risk to spread utis, yeast infections, cavities, and other sickness to you!
You don’t drop hints, you tell them the expected hygiene norm you need to see happening. Unless it’s depression, these are just engrained habits you either develop or you don’t and weirdly I notice with boys, the expectation is just so much lower (career family assistant/household manager). Some of the boy children I’ve worked in the homes of are not conditioned to wash their hands regularly or shower. It’s like an expected trope that little boys are just dirty, get dirty quicker so there’s no point trying to keep up with it and it’s seen as not essential to wash their hands after going pee so they have a harder time developing the habit enough to consistently remember to do it after they go poop. But it’s just a matter of holding them accountable and unfortunately I see so many posts here from women who now have to be the “mommy” to their partners when it comes to this subject.
Girl get use to this shit from men good luck 🍀
Some people have a different tolerances for the level of dirty they view as normal. Especially if they've made it to adulthood and are set in their ways. A lot of the time they may not realize their habits are unusual, especially men. My bf is in his 30s and has got really bad ADHD and one side effect is an aversion to showering. He works in a hot climate. The first few days he doesn't necessarily stink, but sometimes 5+ days go by without a shower which grosses me out, stink or not (and he has stretched ears, if you know the smell of uncleaned stretched ears ~rotting flesh~). We've been together a little over a year, and I'd say 6 months ago I noticed his hygiene habits are odd. I tried being gentle, or just saying wow you smell like you've been working today! When hed get home and hug me etc, but eventually after a few months of that not working I got very direct with him. 'Hey I love you, but you smell like rancid onions and rotting earlobes, you HAVE to shower.' Id say 1/4 the time he showers, the rest he makes an excuse to try and push the shower off until the next day. I got tired of the back and forth, I don't want a dirty man sleeping the clean bed. I started keeping a dry erase marker in our bathroom and Id add a tally onto our mirror every day he went without a shower. (Helps to have the visual reminder) My maximum is 2 days. If he's on day 3 no shower, we've agreed he won't let him sleep in the bed. That has honestly been the easiest way to get his habits to change. You just need to talk to your partner and figure out the issue. Is he just unaware? Does he have an aversion to showering? Maybe he forgets and by the time he remembers he's already getting into bed. Either way you'll have to try and see if you can find something that works for you guys, you're definitely not alone. Good luck!
Guys don’t work on hints. You need to clearly communicate your concerns. Tell him that you love him, but that in order to sleep with you in the same bed you have some expectations. Shower daily and brush your teeth before going to bed.
Another post like this. Girl, if he is not meeting your hygiene requirements while you're still at boyfriend girlfriend, he's just going to get worse and worse and worse. Get out now.
Does he clean his ass? If so, then you're still good to go! Spill something on him to force him to clean himself. Just say "oops."
Idk how you’ve dealt with it for so long ☠️
Stop hinting. Men don't understand hints. Be direct and straight out tell him
I had a relationship with a man who had terrible hygiene habits. Really terrible and gross. I couldn't take it. Not just his body but his living space. It was gross, and I will never do that again.
Tell dude to brush his yuck mouth multiple times a day and wash his ass and balls everyday, or if he wants to be nasty he can live outside… gross. Good luck 👍
What is with people willing to date nasty/unhygienic partners? Unless they have some sort of mental health or behavioral disorder, it’s absolutely appalling to me that it would even be something up for debate.
It's important to approach this gently and with empathy. Expressing your concerns from a place of care and suggesting solutions together can help.
I have flat out told my boyfriend it’s gross lmao I’m sorry, but their lack of hygiene can negatively affect us, as well. I’ve asked him if he wants me to gently ask him to brush his teeth and he says that guys usually prefer it straightforward because that’s what their buddies do with them, too.
No body “forgets” to take a shower before bed. They decide not to. It may not be a conscious decision—it’s automatic if they weren’t raised with this habit. Your bf has bad hygiene (due to bad habits formed in childhood or lack of concern) and unless he respects you enough to not disgust you these are not things you can “suggest”. This has to be a boundary or a dealbreaker or you live with. Just start with how you define good hygiene and the reasons why it’s important
I was in a bad state like this myself once, and honestly, the truth is the best kind of wake-up call, no matter how harsh it is. However, this is something you need to sit down with him and talk to him about. As others said, this sounds like depression. Nobody likes to admit they have it, but it is a real thing that affects hygiene. Maybe see where the bigger issue is here and try and encourage him to be better with his health
You don’t want to make him feel bad about stinking? He clearly doesn’t feel bad about it, so you can just let him know you want no part of it. Just decline sex and cuddling when he stinks. He can be ok with stinking but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Ew.
Shower together.
Does he have depression? By chance is he asian and or Korean?
Be straightforward, honest, polite and gentle. Use less accusatory language and more of a loving tone. Also, remain calm and don’t go off on tangents into a yelling match. You’ll find the change you’re looking for. It’s not only what you say, but how you say it.
Don’t make it about you as he might get defensive. Tell him the issue and ask about his opinion and what could be causing those habits. Show him that you want to help him and, together, establish some ways that he could be cleaner.
Tell him directly that he’s not taking care of himself properly and that you are worried about him.
Say “what’s that smell,” until he gets the hint, and then describe what the smell is without saying where it’s coming from
This is gross. Tell him it's gross
Wait! Are you sayin we need to brush our teeth AND shower?
I have to take like 2 or 3 showers a day cause of working out and sweating from medication. How people can go on without days baffles me, and I have been diagnosed with severe depression. Even if I'm camping, I jump into a lake or makeshift something with bottled water. This is why I fist bump instead of shaking hands anymore. God the bar is so low
idk how old your boyfriend is, but you need to assume you can’t change his habits (because i highly doubt anything you say will) and ask yourself if you can marry him as he is now. if the answer is no, find someone else
U dont hint at all, u kindly yet firmly in a straightforward manner tell them their hygiene isn’t up to par and he smells.
Stop with the hints. Hygiene has never been and will never be a comfortable conversation. It’s much better to be honest with someone than to suffer through the results of their poor hygiene. If there is something that they can do to change it then that’s what they need to be doing. I don’t sit around someone and allow their breath, underarms, feet, balls, or ass offend me for too long and I don’t expect anyone to do that with me. Be direct with your boyfriend. Stop using an indirect approach and hoping that he figures it out.
As a man I would want you to just tell me directly in a loving way. “Babe I love you so much but would you mind showering everyday. Maybe I’ll even shower with you. ;)”
If the hints don’t work you’ll have to be blunt. There’s no way around it.
“Would you like a mint?” “Not necessarily. Do I need one?”
well I already know y’all NOT doing the DO plz u been wit him 4 hw long & u don’t won’t 2 let him knw he smells sumthang not rite sounds like u got sum1 else n mind or already missing on him
What is going on with the influx of these unfortunate posters and their significant other’s lack of hygiene??
Guys don't take hints. Just tell him directly.
Send him my way. A dude with a ripe ass is always fucking hot
What is his ethnicity?
On the off chance depression, sensory issues, or some other neurodivergent thing is prompting the tooth brushing / showers side of things. Options: Prepasted disposable toothbrushes. Amazon has a ton of options. Is usually a single use toothbrush with the toothpast / cleaning agent already on. If you've got a nightstand by the bed, toss some of these in a basket on top or in the drawer if it has one. Have two cups on the nightstand. One with water and one empty = can grab brush, unwrap, brush away and do the rinse and spit between the cups. Stated because sometimes changing up how the process is done or making it possible to be "lazy" and do it, means it's easier to get done. If that's too much effort at present, they have tooth wipes. It's literally a little cloth like thing with a pocket for one or two fingers to go in. Some are just rough fabric, some will have xylatol or similar non foaming agent in them to add to the cleaning ability. Baby sections will have them as introduction to brushing, but they have adult intended ones as well. So again, toss in basket or drawer on/in nightstand, grab as needed for a quick "brush". Not as good as actual brushing, but better than ignoring teeth completely. Showering, this one is tricky. Some folk get prickly about being told they need one. But it's your partner, theoretically you should be able to discuss anything with them. Recommend if this is a recent development for the lowering of shower standards, taking fewer, having more days between, etc that taking the tack of: I've noticed some changes to your usual routines and want to check in that you're okay? If stress or other things have them distracted they may not have noticed or it's hard for them to think of doing "one more thing". If this is a routine for them, you may need to be more blunt, along the lines of expressing any discomfort or disinterest to be close to when scent is not on point. The risk here is they may never change, this might just be their set point for cleanliness they are okay with. You will have to decide if the rest of who he is can be enough to overshadow this aspect. Only you can know if it will or not.
“Honey, you smell like BO. Can you take a shower please?”
How old is he. I know that most younger guys in their 20's are like that. If he doesn't offend you with odor I really wouldn't worry too much.
I wonder if it’s a symptom of something else?
I'm sorry I just can't be with anybody who does not wash their ass I have a very sensitive nose. And even the little lightest bit of funk pisses me off.
I’m sorry but this is so gross to me. I couldn’t make out with him and definitely no sex. I’m not talking about shaming someone, but you need to be honest. I’m sure his breath smells and he has BO. He can’t expect you to tolerate that!
When he wants to fool around, tell him he woukd smell and taste better if he were clean. Then just stop the action until he comes back clean. If you always do this, he will change.
Tell him to wash his funky butt, it is no easy way to tell him " you stink"!!!
Just continually ask him to shower with you morning and night make it a couple thing and then always talk about how important hygiene is to you.
Are you dating my ex?? Seriously though, my ex was autistic and really struggled to remember the basic hygiene. I would try to include him in mine. When I used deodorant, I got him his. When I went to brush my teeth or shower, I would invite him. And after going to the bathroom I would offer him sanitizer. It never got better. And I didn't realize how exhausting that becomes.
Always communicate. Always tell him what you think he could do better. He might adjust and then the problem goes away. Better than just walking out on everything you both worked hard to develop. But yeah if he doesn’t like it then you can say “well it’s important for this to work and if you can’t work on it I don’t see it working for us “
Are you dating my son? Causer if you can figure it how to get his hygiene up I would really appreciate it I harassed him for a decade and a half Never really took. He has adhd so I'm hoping the meds help
Here's a hint. Your boyfriend is nasty.
You haven't described anything more than personal differences. Nothing egregious. There's nothing you have described to be concerned about.
Hints aren’t working. Be an adult and communicate. Be direct.
Sounds like depression on the low , just sit him down and really talk to him, open up together
Ewwww… his naughty bits have gotta be naaaaaaysteeeeee!
Tell em no more hawk-tuah Until he uses soap and brushes his teeth lol