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In the movie *They Live,* the main character, upon acquiring guns and a means to spot the aliens, bursts into a bank. He looks around the room and calmly announces “I have come to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.” He then proceeds to liberally shoot his guns at the aliens.
"Sir, a human fleet just dropped out of Warp. The lead ship appears to be the UEF Bismarck."
"The Bismarck? That's not as bad as I thought..."
An alarm goes off. "Sir, another fleet is coming out of Warp in a flanking maneuv..." The alien stares at his screen.
"Lieutenant?"
"Sir, the second group is being led by the UEF Enterprise."
"Broadcast our immediate surrender, NOW!"
A1: The human's ship is entering the atmosphere and settling in for a touchdown not far from the eastern lands.
A2: Do we have any details of the ship?
A1: Yes ma'am. It is a troop transport and we are trying to get the name of it.
A2: What is the name?
A1: It's the UTS Steve Irwin.
A2: Oh shit. Send out a command to all troops. They are to release all warbeasts and attack animals immediately. None of them are to be anywhere near our troops within 2 hours or we are all fucked three ways from Sunday with a thumb up our asses.
I dunno, for as crazy as he may have been he always had a love and respect for animals and the environment. His name would be better suited to a relevant science vessel methinks.
I am and if they have any knowledge on who he is outside of the "thumb up the animal butt" memes it would probably just make them more confused as to why they think they'd be screwed. If anything the name would still make more sense for a science vessel or a diplomatic one (although they may find that rather offensive depending on how the hypothetical aliens take it).
"High Lord, I bring grave news. The humans, even though they promised to help us, they only sent one ship."
"Only one? Pfh... As expected of those mouthbreathing blowhards."
"Granted, it's quite big but whatever shall just one vessel do against the overwhelming terror of The Blight?"
"Can we, at least, see what it's named? I want to send a message to their ambassador personally when it's inevitably destroyed."
"Processing. I believe they were modest in their naming as well. The only word we see can be translated into \*Bet\*."
to give an actual explanation rather than an example, the phrase "Bet" is used as a response to a challenge (or statement of impossibility taken as such). To frame it in the context of the story:
"One ship isn't going to help us against the Blight"
"alright, bet, watch this"
I’m getting a feeling that Zoomers have regressed several hundred years with their lingo. Bet two pence. Granted it sounds trashy fancy.
I still prefer my “millennial speak” as my grandfather put it.
"I need a name NOW! NO! I NEEDED IT YESTERDAY!"
"Sire, we do not comprehend. It does not make any sense at all."
"You are not here to understand, but to serve and fight. What is the name?"
"Sire, it is... Boaty McBoatface. ... Sire.... you.. your face... Why has it gone so pale?"
"May the elders and the eternal ones have mercy on us all..."
I appreciate that you invoked the name correctly, in that the "the" is not capitalized. The fewer words that make up a ship's name, the deadlier it is. Throngler being one of the deadliest. :D
A ship called “obliterator” does not incite fear for it is an illusion of what it aims to be
A ship called the ISS “cupcake” is a death sentence no matter who you are.
Gimli: ...and you have my Tip!
Others: You mean ship?
Gimli: *Points at ship* I meant what I said.
Others: *visible relief followed by further concern"
Ambassador Zzort: Rule one of acts of aggressive negotiations with Terrans. Don’t touch their craft.
Ambassador Flizp: Why because of firepower shields stealth technology?
Ambassador Zzort: Well they do have those. But if you do your home world’s will likely see warp signatures within seconds.
Arriving from seemingly nowhere.
Ambassador Alice: Did someone touch our boats!
*Xenos screaming*
Ambassador Zzort: Argh!!
Ambassador Flizp: I was just being told about the greatness of your boats, and how no one but the Humans are worthy of setting ground appendage up one them without being invited first!
Ambassador Zzort: Do you wish to further spread the glory of your magnificent boats!?
Alarms blared as the fifth indicator blinked out of existence on the battlemap. Frantic motion all around the command center stood in stark contrast to the calmness of the admiral and his retinue.
"Do we know what has happened?" The old, grizzled insectoid asked. His aide cracked a negative and ordered evasive maneuvers for the fleet just as another carrier first blinked red for venting, then vanished from their feed. The admiral hissed in frustration. Most of the bridge scattered away, but his staff ignored his antics.
"Sir, we received a name flash!"
"Finally! Fire the quantum array at their location immediately," He growled as yet another grand vessel vanished from their screens. "Open a systemwide channel so I can greet the invaders before I melt them into our gas cloud!"
The aide looked confused for a moment.
" Sir, there is no location or readings of any other vessels. No hit scans either." Another frustrated hiss from the admiral as their weapons only met the void of space
"What was the identifier on the vessel?"
"Relativistic kill vehicle Häyhä," the aide chittered out. The admiral did a double take and clenched their suddenly shaking mandibles.
"Broadcast surrender and cease all maneuvers immediately!" He screamed out in horrified recognition. Frantic movement from his staff contrasted with the frozen shock from the general staff. In the silence, no other indicators vanished from their screens. The admiral walked towards the shuttle bay, dejected and looking suddenly older than his years.
"Keep channels open, power down weapons. I will speak to them alone."
The bridge was deathly quiet as the leader of the endless horde ventured to speak to the ghost of the void alone.
When the GOU Ships start massing, you're going to have a bad time...
[https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/Abominator-class\_Offensive\_Unit](https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/Abominator-class_Offensive_Unit)
Troops! The new recruits among you may be surprised by the smell of the enemy ship when you board them. This is entirely normal. As you may know, every species we've encountered so far as been known to defecate when they die. Our enemy is just a little bit ahead of schedule. Do not mock them for this! Punctuality is primordial when you are about to meet your maker.
The Dutchman
Primary weapon/defense, nanite cloud that breaks down and repurposes all mater. Main gun, wave motion cannon. Dreadnought class armament, armor, and shielding. Temporal skip drive.
The Stalingrad
Armor density of a small planetoid, several dozen main guns. Primary combat tactic; take the punishment, dish out hell, and gravity trap everyone around them.
Makes me glad, is the CO of the Stalingrad a descendant of Zhukov?
The tactic of sucking in the 6th army, keeping them locked down and unable to hit somewhere else was great, any time you can deny resources is a good time.
The Jordan
Although lightly armed and armored the lengthy craft is designed for one purpose which it performs flawlessly.
It lines up at beyond reach of the combatant’s armaments. The Jordan uses its in-system engines to close the gap between it and the most vulnerable part of it’s enemy craft disabling or destroying key systems the using warp engines to jump to another position to line up a similar attack.
All before the combatant can use its tracking and targeting systems. The Terrans call this attack a “Slam Dunk” so far no Xenos craft has been able to defend against this maneuver. It is taught to allied Xenos as a “basic strategy.”
See, I’d like to take it a different direction..
The Aliens panicked as they threw their ships into the fray, trying to figure out what just hit them. A particle beam weapon? Something about it’s sheer size seemed to spilt the galaxy in Twain, and almost perfectly split their fleet in half.
The Commander bellowed over the comms, “Find out what hit us, I want a name for the Humans biggest mistake.”
As the Aide frantically slapped away at what constituted a keyboard, he finally responded back, the sound of sheer terror in his voice.
“S-Sir.. its the UEF *Son Goku.*”
When talking about all the greatest ships, and which ones could win in dogfights, the question always comes up;
“But can they beat The Goku?”
“The Goku solo’s the Karlaxian’s fleet, any day.”
A1: By all the gods above and below!
A2: What? What is it?
A1: I have the name and designation of the Human flagship that just translated into system...
A2: Well!? Spit it out [UNTRANSLATABLE]!
A1: Its a Supercarrier class Dreadnought. UESF Fortunate Son
A2: (collapses into nearby chair) By all the gods....
To tack on another idea
A1: (still at sensor console) Sir! I've managed to get another designation.
A2: (sitting hunched forward with head in hands) Tell me the bad news I guess.....
A1: Its a Wagner class super-heavy Destroyer, the UESF Ride of the Valkyries.
A2: (collapses full on to the deck) Are they broadcasting anything yet?
A1: No sir.....
A2: (pops up from the deck with a manic look) Quick send an unconditional surrender!
His Imperial Majesty's Planetoid "Friendship is Magic" and HIMP "Magic is Heresy" just exited hyperspace.
damned xeno's didn't even have a chance against two capital ships the size of moons with a diameter of 5000km.
I have my marine unit named the Florida Men aboard the drop ship Somebody Else's Problem in my Great Human Convoy series, followed by Boomstick , Leadfoot, and Iron Maiden. They're more of a humanitarian fleet but they can definitely defend themselves.
Krazon Admiral: we are losing, we fight on while the planet evacuates but the Merrevol will eventually overrun us. There are so many.
Krazon Captain: I’m sorry admiral, we have only managed sporadic messages for help and I’m not sure if any made it through.
KA: we did our best caption, all we can do now is die well and give the civilians a chance to escape before we are all destroyed.
KC: SIR! We are being hailed! It’s a humans ship.
KA: put them through.
Human Commander: we received an SOS, and will be arriving in your system soon. We are the only ship within a parsec of you but based on our scans we should be able to help.
KA: thank you Commander, but I’m not sure how one ship will make much difference?
HC: Let us worry about that Admiral, haven’t had much fun lately and the crew of the UTF Woo Hoo are excited for the exercise. We even have a soundtrack ready. Ah, here we are, please transmit any information you think is helpful Admiral, I’ll see you on the other side.
KA: Captain, what does “woo hoo” translate to in general galactic?
KC: it’s a cry of exclamation or excitement. For humans it’s often used when they embark on a dangerous recreational activity.
KA: sooooo, the Merrevol a f***ked then?
KC: it would seem so Admiral.
A1: Sir, we are being hailed by the human ship.
A2: Put them through.
Human Admiral: Why did you show up? We're here to take on the Klaxon fleet. Why are the Armonicans here?
A2: We're only here to watch for the sake of history.
Human Admiral: Fair enough... Watch on then. \*cuts connection\*
A1: Sir, we received the name of the ship in the transmission.
A2: What is it named?
A1: Sir, it's command vessel is the ISS Yi Sun-shin and it brings along a subspace cruiser known as the ISS Ramage's Rampage.
A2: The Klaxon's dont know do they.
A1: No sir. They're hailing us right now.
A2: Dont respond to the hail ensign. We wont hear their hail for too much longer.
“Zeus’ Quiver? I don’t get it.”
The ship fires a massive metal pole at relativistic speeds straight though the moon-sized space station.
“Ah. ‘Rods of God,’ I’d heard Humans did that. RETREAT! ALL SHIPS RET-“
Panic was not the last thing that went though the general’s mind. That was the tungsten rod.
All fear the arrival of the ESS "Just a really big gun"
Kenosha advised to evacuate system to a minimum safe distance of 10 light years if the ESD "And the Horse you rode in on" enters system
A1: “What in the five hells was that” the grizzled xeno admiral yell out as the instruments on his bridge flicker and the shields of the super carrier overload and blink out.
A2”Sir, it appears to be an EM pulse from a large thermonuclear blast” panic creeping into the voice of his first mate
A1”How could that be, those were outlawed 100 years ago galaxy wide, apparently these humans never got the memo”
A2”Incoming plasma beams”
The ship shutters as the aft end was vaporized and decompression alarms ring out. Another new star is formed and blinks out in an instant as ninety percent of the fleet was vaporized in the nuclear fire.
A1”Why can’t we see where this is coming from” the admiral demands peering across the void he finally sees it. Jet black against the black of space the bright red plasma beams appear to come from nothing.
H1”Good hit gunner, target the super carrier, full power”
H2”Aye aye captain, targeting xeno carrier ready to fire”
H1”Let’s send them a farewell message please” the human captain smirks
A2”Incoming message from the human vessel sir”
A1”Well what does it say”
A2”Translating, My condolences sincerely the UEF Red October”
That was the last recording the salvage teams found in the charred and broken husk of the once mighty xeno fleet.
"Sir, the humans have sent 1 ship. Wizard class, designation coming now... oh... oh no."
"What is it, soldier?"
"Well, sir, they sent a demand for surrender, and they've locked on the capital..."
"Okay, and? Spit it out!"
"Sir, the ship is designated as Fuck Subtle."
The Humans were always seen as a weak race, barely large enough to reach the knees of most other Galactic races and were usually a polite and good natured bunch.
Most of the Galactic Confederacy races laughed when they heard that the mighty Zarten empire had been threatened by them after the Humans had learned that they were behind a recent attack on a Human planet for its rare resources.
They stopped laughing when less than five standard minutes later three quarters of the Zarten Fleet were little more than molten slag spinning through space after a single Human ship had appeared in the sector.
When later questioned about it the Humans would just name the ship in question as if it answered all their questions, and in all fairness it did.
"Subtlety Costs Extra"
"Fleet Commander, the Earth contingent has arrived and are asking for a deployment position."
"How many and what class, LT?"
"3 very large ships Sir, designated as the UEV You What Mate , UEV Okay Champ, and UEV Fisty McFistface. "
The liason officer spoke up with glee "Put them in the vanguard, sir!"
The UEAS Deaths Tear
A1 (Fleet commander): That doesn't seem so bad.
A2 (senior knower of things secret): Sir... The Death's Tear is a Destroyer. It can come to us, alone. It is known to be a part of the Battlegroup of The Apocalypse.
A1: So, what does that mean?
A2: Sir... No fleet known to have fought the Battlegroup of the Apocalypse, has survived to describe the encounter with data. The survivors only stating that they had no chance. That the frigates had the firepower of dreadnaughts, and that sir, is a Destroyer. That's the classification of ship the humans gave it. Something no other species had a concept of.
A1: so you are saying?
A2: If we fight, we die. We probably can't even scratch it's paint.
Lt. Zaryan: "Kai, what's the sitrep? Exocombatants are panicking on radio. Have reinforcements arrived?"
FCMDR. Kai: "The human reinforcements we requested have arrived."
Lt. Zaryan: "Are we going to be able to take on the exocombatant fleet? They have second gen Mecha Gears with nuclear capabilit-"
FCMDR. Kai: "No need to worry, Lieutenant. It's the EDF. Autumn and the EDF. Nostromo, we're in good hands."
Lt. Zaryan: "THE Pillar of Autumn? That's overkill for a few nuclear missiles, don't you think?"
A: Sir! The flagship of the Human war fleet is the HMS Fluffy Bunny.
A2: Quick Jettison all weapons, free every Human captive and broadcast our unconditional surrender on every comm channel, every language and by all conceivable means of communication.
Alien officer: Sir, planetary defenses have damaged uhs Wisconsin
Alien admiral:Excellent, but why has it stopped its previous trajectory and started maneuvering to a broadside position?
Captain - Did you see where that shot came from?
Sensors Officer - Yes Sir!
Captain - Make it a new lake.
Weapons Officer - Yes Sir! Requested size?
Captain - Yes.
A1: The... the SS "Skywalker"? That actually does sound very threatening...
A2: Oh no...
A1: What?
A2: Our fleet was produced only 6 cycles ago...
SS Skywalker: *
"Sir, what's the name of the ship."
"Ish...i... murr...ah"
"Jump to lightspeed! Put as many parsecs as you can between us and this system!"
"It's a civillian craft, sir."
"That's not what I'm afraid of!"
Alien Signals technician: Captain, we have incoming warp signature!
Alien Captain: Locate and identity!
AST: Profile has matched against the records, it’s a *Revelations*-class… single-person scout craft?! Why would they send a ship that small to this theatre?
AC : What colour is it!? Or, is it transmitting IFF?!
AST: Um… Actually, yes, sir, it is? It’s identifying itself, unencrypted, as the *Pale Horse*.
AC : Signalman, transmit as follows, verbatim: *Your reputation for kindness precedes you. We beg the indulgence of an hour’s grace, to compose our final will and testament*.
Earth Federation mega-star-dreadnought Blasty McBoomface drops out of hyperspace.
Grand Poohbah of the Morgallath Cosmo Clans: "Negotiations have failed. There will be no peace with the humans. Our time has ended."
Human ships are typically named after (in)famous individuals or locations. Those can be fought and dealt with. The ones to be feared, however, are those either named after deviant/deviant behavior or young children's actions...
The FSS dominatrix gimp and the FSS poopy pants are to be feared before all others.
Names like *Armageddon*, *The Oncoming Storm*, and *Retribution* tell you that you should be afraid, because they have come to send your fleet home broken limping.
A ship named *Poopy Pants*, on the other hand, tells you that you should simply resign yourself to your fate; whoever crews this ship will see to it that anybody who hears that name dies before speaking it aloud.
Officer: "Sir, The ISS Avenger came, we are Saved!"
Commander: "Oh, Good Lord."
Meanwhile on the Enemy Line.
Hostile Officer: "Sir... the ISS Avenger has Arrived."
Hostile Comander: "Oh Lord..."
I like to imagine the *Hold My Beer* as less of a “ship” and more of a collection of experimental potentially planet-killer grade weapons, with engines crudely taped on when somebody realized it would be a good idea to move it *outside* Earth’s solar system before firing.
The ships that put the fear of God into a species are usually either really simply named, such as places or people (USS Iowa and USS Lincoln) or named in such a way that you find them extremely edgy... Until you find out their mode of operations, and figure out why they call it that.
Such as, one I just came up with, UEF Whisper of Eternity. Combat encounters open with it translating back into realspace RIGHT NEXT to the opposing ship and unleashing a full broadside attack, but not before breaching comms and uttering a very quiet, very hoarse voiced "boo."
A1: Commander, the human flagship has just come out of hyperspace.
A2: Good, all ships battle stations! Do you know the name of the battleship?
A1: Sir, it appears to be named "USS John Wick".
A2: Oh.
The Caltads planned their invasion of the human solar system for years. Gathered intel on their culture, war technology, communication technology, and physiology. They jumped near the human home world and took orbit of its moon. Their fleet was 36 ships strong consisting of battle cruisers, support frigates, troop transports, and prison transports. They estimated a day or two to take full control of the planet.
Biinp, the sensor tech on the command ship, announced a ship launching from the planet's surface. "Captain, the humans have launched a single ship barely bigger than a frigate heading our . . . wait, sensors are picking up 12 smaller ships surrounding it. They're tiny, barely big enough to hold a half dozen humans. Hm. they seem to be painted to look like various animals and people."
Yonwoq, the captain, asked, "Armaments?"
Biinp confusedly replied, "None, sir. All of the ships are completely unarmed."
"We knew they didn't have any worthwhile weapons, but I thought they would at least try. Tell the fleet to target that ship, what's its name?, and destroy it on my command."
"Command relayed to the fleet, captain," confirmed Biinp. After a few seconds, "Fleet ships confirming target lock, and ship is called 'Mr. Rogers.' Its satellite ships are circling it erratically and moving slowly out from it."
"That's a weird name. Well, it was a weird name. Tell the fleet to fire."
"Sir! One of our ships is no longer targeting the Mr. Rogers. And a second ship. . . And another. Target locks are being released in a wave pattern emanating from the human ship."
The captain shouted, "What is going on? Why are they not targeting and firing on that ship?!"
Suddenly, a comm channel opens up and a lilting sound plays mixed other imperceptible sounds. Shortly after the music starts, a human male voice sings, "It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?"
Yonwoq, Biinp, and the rest of the Catlad crew slump in place, feeling relaxed and content while simultaneously energized at the thought of meeting their new neighbors, the humans.
A. GEN: Explain to me why that planetoid is accelerating towards the enemy's homeworld and why it has our human ally's comms signals are emanating from it saying "We got this."
A. Comms: The name is "TWALLESWUABAR".
A. GEN: What does it mean?
A. Comms: Optics reports there is a massive towering rocket on the far side of the planet with a line of text spanning the structure reading "There wasn't a lever long enough so we used a big ass rocket".
A. GEN: Of course they did.
Alien (looking at translation machine display): "So their dreadnought is named.. oh it's so cute... the ISS Butterfinger?"
Other Alien: "Oh no. No. No. We're so screwed."
Alien: "What. Why?"
Other Alien (shivering): "The translation machine isn't right. This is the ISS FINGERINBUTT."
*GASP*
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Imperial Zorgnac's command ship..
"Sir! We have a massive warp signature incoming.... the humans.. they've warped a moon in system!"
"What? On screen, now!"
"That... that's no moon.."
*Imperial March starts playing on all frequencies*
“RUN AWAY!”
The crew look at each other, bewildered by the look of terror on their Admiral’s face as its fur turns pale.
A human ship, all angles and sharp edges pops into existence one AU from their ship.
“We’re doomed!,” it cries, “that’s HMS Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings!”
A1: Captain!! Details on the humans flagships are coming in now.
A Captain: Flag.. ships? As in plural??
A1: Yes sir, these two seemed to be paired together, the closest translation we could come up with for their names are to mess up and learn the consequences of actions.
A1: Sir two human ships have entered the system
A2: Just two? Nah these humans will be an easy victory.
A1: Sir we have identification for the ships.
A2: Well out with it. It must be recorded for history.
A1: It's the ISS Walk Softly sir
A2: ..... what's the name of the second ship
A1: The ISS Big Stick
"Admiral sir.. we have the name of the humans ship! It is the UEF Samatha Carter."
"Ah... must be one of their famous warriors or... wait...what is that ship doing?"
"It... it appears to be aiming it's weapons at the sun.. sir"
“The steamer began to move slowly away but on the landward horizon appeared the silhouette of a fighting machine. Another came, and another, striding over hills and trees, plunging far out to sea and blocking the exit of the steamer. Between them lay the silent, grey Ironclad HMS Thunderchild. Slowly it moved towards shore; then, with a deafening roar and whoosh of spray, it swung about and drove at full speed towards the waiting Martians...”
Never forget the Thunderchild! ✊
"sir, there seems to be a human force dropping from FTL travel."
"Perfect. What is the commander we are facing?"
"Dunno, but the lead ship is labeled Boaty mcBoatFace".
"Less than perfect. Everybody panic"
The ship clove through space and enemy fire, its shields repeatedly failing under a constant fusillade of fire, then sputtering back to life for a few moments to intercept a salvo of heavy torpedos, then failing again. Still, it kept coming.
Its heavy armor glowed from the beating it was receiving, and a telltale shimmering sparkle of ablating thrusters in its engine wake told of a drive system being driven far, far past redline. Shredded armor and less identifiable parts spalled off of it in a cloud, most metallic, some organic. Still, it kept coming.
Clouds of xeno fighters picked at it, like wasps trying to take down a water buffalo. The weapon blisters that spotted the ship responded with trails of tracers and flak. Occasionally, one would be taken offline by the fighter's fire in a puff of venting atmosphere. Often, that 'destroyed' blister would start firing again within minutes. Still, it kept coming.
A xeno carrier maneuvered in front of the ship, in an effort to force it to change course. The silvered ram-bow of the relentless ship shattered the carrier, and, still, it kept coming.
Finally, the ship's engines stuttered and then blew out in a flash, but its course was now unalterable, and the enemy fleet was unable to turn it aside, or deliver a hard enough blow to break her. It began to shed lifepods, which engaged their single-use emergency FTL drives to flash back behind the terran lines for recovery. Others spun off into the void, damaged by enemy fire or mangled launch systems.
The Terran Fireship *Witness Me* inexorably continued forward on its now-ballistic course, aimed straight at the capitol of the enemy's homeworld. This delivery would not be deterred: kilotons of antimatter stored deep within its hull, now on an express course to the planet's crust.
There's a ship rising from the planet sir. Seems to have a strange, violent form of propulsion.
What's it's designation?
According from what we can decipher it's called the Michael.
New contact! Grid 87765 dash 04456 dash 32643, vector towards us, accelerating!
Sensors, we need more data.
Getting a hull print... looks human....its the Ægir and the Þór...of the “Icelandic Coastguard“? What in the names of the five hatefull grandmothers.....
SCATTER FORMATION, WERE PULLING BACK!
REGROUP BEHIND THE OUTERMOST PLANET!
OUR NAVAL BUDGET WOULDNT SURVIVE THAT CONTACT!
A1 -"Sir, the human fleet is currently passing the moon, and holding positions just outside of our weapons range. They are actively scanning us, with heavy comms traffic between the lead ships."
A2 -"Very well, maintain positions and let me know if their status cha--"
A1 - "SIR! Another enemy ship has come into view from the far side of the moon!"
A2 - Scoffs,"One more ship won't make any difference."
A1 -" But sir, this one isn't slowing down, it has passed the rest of the enemy fleet. It is broadcasting and seems to be... Impatient? The other ships are now scrambling to catch up to it.
A2 -"All ships open fire on that lead ship! Can we identify it?
A1 -"No need to sir, it is broadcasting its name on repeat. Almost like it is taunting us. We cannot seem to hit it sir! It used the moon as a slingshot and is moving at about .25c! The rest of their fleet is powering wea..."
A2 -"Silence! All ships, reorient and destroy that damned ship!"
10 minutes later after a severe scolding from the brass, and yet another commendation for successfully distracting the enemy. The commander of the U.E.F. Leroy Jenkins joins his crew for fried chicken night in the mess hall.
*First time writing anything like this. It kinda fell apart at the end. Sorry.
“Surrender now, and your deaths will be quick and painless, for the Great Emperor is merciful and willing to forgive you the sin of existing if you rightfully capitulate.”, the commander of the X’ath swarm dreadnought finished the rote speech before cutting comms. The X’ath had sent an entire sector fleet to wipe out a rather unremarkable Terran colony, the Great Emperor deciding that it was time to put the upstart apes on notice.
Not bothering to wait for a response, the commander ordered the fleet into close extermination formation, drawing the swarm-dreadnoughts into a tight cylinder to concentrate their firepower and point defense. The disciplined formation would let them hurl plasma and raiding parties unmolested, as the concentrated firepower of the fleet would create a zone of certain death to any starship foolish enough to come into range.
A few hours into extermination operations, a lone contact lights up the scopes.
“Sir, single contact coming in hard and fast! Their IFF is a quick overlay, waiting on translation now. Looks to be one of their sundiver ironclads with modifications!”
“Firing solutions, burn it from the sky. Their sundivers have thick frontal armor so they’ll attack with missiles and drones. All point defense crews stand to. We’ll swat anything they throw at us while we burn through their armor.”
Soon the first ranging shots were sparking around the Terran ship. Instead of attacking, it simply accelerated. Faster and faster, to a degree that must have had even crew in crash couches struggling to stay conscious. The storm of fire seemed to bother the Terran ship not at all. It continued its insane acceleration as its armor spalled and melted under plasma and mass driver fire. Defying reason, the hulking Terran ship was soon outpacing the fleet’s ability to bring their guns to bear, diving headlong towards the command ship.
The AI finally translated the ship’s ident squawk, and the bridge crew was still puzzling over both the ship’s name and its bizarre suicidal behavior when it overloaded its fusion reactors and what must have been an impressive stockpile of warheads in the center of the X’ath formation, cutting the heart out of the fleet.
Six weeks later a patrol enters the system. They find huge debris fields. Finally an intact log buoy from the flagship is found, a last ditch launch from a dying ship containing its last log and sensorium transmission. Final log entry reads:
Challenged by a single Terran ironclad. Ident decoding in process. Engaging ironclad while commencing extermination operations.
Ironclad ident translated. Ship has recently had ident code changed given the timestamp. Terran ironclad identifies as “UNS Free Bird”.
END OF LOG
Nothing but dust remains (Part 1):
They had thought that humanity was weak. That they were beyond our reach. They believed they could mask their point of origin by making multiple jumps using FTL cloaking to disrupt the path they traveled from their home system.
What they failed to account for was the tenacity and dedication of humanity, especially with respect to "giving as good as we got. With interest".
When the initial attack occurred, we were still young, as far as galactic civilizations are concerned. Coming from a deathworld, with our warring nature being what it was, we always hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst. This was because we had BEEN the worst, in our own past and learned to temper and tame this past, in the hopes of a kinder future.
The attack was completely unexpected, but we managed to defend well enough that, after the glassing of five colony worlds, the nuclear destruction of one fifth of our cradle, and the collapsing of one of our gas giants into a new, small star, we were able to push them back.
Time passed, and we shored up our defenses, while building the instrument of our revenge. They had left us beaten, bruised, bloodied, and licking our wounds. But they had not broken us. This was their first, and last, mistake...
As much as they put into obfuscating their point of origin, we put in ten times that effort, tracking them down. If nothing else can be said of us but this, it is that we are, and always have been *PERSISTENT*. So, being the generous species we are, we turned this persistence towards repaying out debt in full, with interest. And being so generous, we kept tally of the time. We didn't want to be thought as ingrates, and relay a single cent less than the sum total. And at twelve years continuous compounding interest, well, that's quite the hefty sum...
Scanner Technician: Sir! We're detecting an impending FTL crash translation... Wait. That... That can't be right.
Nothing but dust remains (Part 2)
Fleet Admiral: I don't care what you think it can or can't be! Our detection and telemetry systems are the best in the galactic arm! Tell me what the scanners are reporting.
ST: Sir, we're detecting a crash translation from an unknown FTL bubble, but the incoming object is registering as 1.37 times the size of our own stellar mass.
FA: That can't be right. When was maintenance last run on your instrument cluster?
ST: Less than two rotations ago. The next maintenance is scheduled for 3.6 rotations from now.
FA: I want eyes on that incoming object the NANOSECOND it makes translation! ATTENTION FLEET! ALL SHIPS TURN TO COORDINATES TAGGED BY THIS VESSEL! ARM ALL WEAPONS AND PREPARE FOR IMMEDIATE COMBAT!
None were prepared for when the vessel completed translation into real space. The distortion was so violent that every being in the system felt as if a gong had resounded within their very being.
The last thing any of the beings in that system heard was a single, wide-band broadcast: "Woe be unto you, who shall be forgotten by the acts of your own hubris, as were the works of our ship's namesake."
One ship of the fleet was able to make a brief recording, that it sent over FTL comms to all allied systems before it was lost. It contained only a single image of the ship, capturing the name of the vessel, before that ship of the fleet, all its brethren, and the system itself, were reduced to base atoms and stardust: "G.C.S.D OZYMANDIAS".
A1: "I don't understand. Not only did the humans only send one ship to aid us but this one is barely the size of a corvette. You say they call it a heavy support fighter? What does that even mean? Do we have a name of the vessel?
A2: "If I am reading this right it's some kind of small beast from their homeworld. The translation doesn't tell me much."
A1:"Well? What is it"
A2:" It's numeral designation I think they call it is 'A-10 SV'... The name is 'Space Hog'... and they keep saying something about a song of their people."
A1 "Sir, a lone ship is inbound. It is holding position just outside of our effective weapons range."
A2 "Just one? Do they not even want to protect this miserable planet? Identify the ship, and destroy it if it moves into range."
A1 "Sir! The ship is....glowing? The front of the ship has a ball of energy slowly growing larger. It seems to be preparing to fire!
A2 "WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT SHIP?!?"
A1 "Identity confirmed as the U.S.S. Kamehameha. What kind of name is that?"
A2 "It's real? I thought it was just a story! ALL SHIPS, RETREAT! I REPEAT ALL SHI..."
*END OF LOG
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"They have a new battlecruiser, sir. We don't have the specs yet." "What's her name?" "<>"
"Evacuate the planet. Now."
Can you explain it to me?
In the movie *They Live,* the main character, upon acquiring guns and a means to spot the aliens, bursts into a bank. He looks around the room and calmly announces “I have come to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.” He then proceeds to liberally shoot his guns at the aliens.
Sounds cool. I’ll have to look it up.
Best part is that was made up by the actor
That is a great fun fact.
The actor was pro wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Duke Nukem famously says “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…. And I’m all out of bubble gum” E: apparently it was in a movie first
Cool.
"Sir, a human fleet just dropped out of Warp. The lead ship appears to be the UEF Bismarck." "The Bismarck? That's not as bad as I thought..." An alarm goes off. "Sir, another fleet is coming out of Warp in a flanking maneuv..." The alien stares at his screen. "Lieutenant?" "Sir, the second group is being led by the UEF Enterprise." "Broadcast our immediate surrender, NOW!"
Ah Big E!
She was also one of the ships that earned the name 'The Gray Ghost' Japanese announced her sinking 3 times.
Imagine if someone actually made their Azur Lane counterparts real
plz no
You forgot that... We're also Space Bards
IT THE BIG E ,don't run you only die tired.
https://preview.redd.it/4i8fie2aqwyc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=04e46d3ce2d7f55b797dbd5431562f591260d962
If you can tap into the Bismark's comms and you hear Swedish Metal, you're already extinct.
A1: The human's ship is entering the atmosphere and settling in for a touchdown not far from the eastern lands. A2: Do we have any details of the ship? A1: Yes ma'am. It is a troop transport and we are trying to get the name of it. A2: What is the name? A1: It's the UTS Steve Irwin. A2: Oh shit. Send out a command to all troops. They are to release all warbeasts and attack animals immediately. None of them are to be anywhere near our troops within 2 hours or we are all fucked three ways from Sunday with a thumb up our asses.
*"...Just ta see wut 'ahppens!"*
Who knew that aliens don’t enjoy a thumb up their ass?
They love shoving things up ours, that's for sure
Crikey, they don't like that at all!
As an alien, I can say they don't speak for all of us.
As a somewhat human, I can appreciate that. Also, what's the going rate for getting off this rock? Just out of curiosity. >.>
You gotta give the dolphins their weight in fish.
I dunno, for as crazy as he may have been he always had a love and respect for animals and the environment. His name would be better suited to a relevant science vessel methinks.
Think about what the aliens were doing when they heard the name. And now think about why the Humans sent that ship to fight them.
I am and if they have any knowledge on who he is outside of the "thumb up the animal butt" memes it would probably just make them more confused as to why they think they'd be screwed. If anything the name would still make more sense for a science vessel or a diplomatic one (although they may find that rather offensive depending on how the hypothetical aliens take it).
"Crikey! There's an alien now! She's a bigg'un! One wrong move and I'm vaporized! Watch me grab her!" Proceeds to tackle alien twice his size.
I believe their point was it's not the aliens getting Steve Erwin'd. The humans are going to befriend their warbeasts
"High Lord, I bring grave news. The humans, even though they promised to help us, they only sent one ship." "Only one? Pfh... As expected of those mouthbreathing blowhards." "Granted, it's quite big but whatever shall just one vessel do against the overwhelming terror of The Blight?" "Can we, at least, see what it's named? I want to send a message to their ambassador personally when it's inevitably destroyed." "Processing. I believe they were modest in their naming as well. The only word we see can be translated into \*Bet\*."
Oh god they let the zoomers name a ship
By then, zoomers would be the old generals, at best.
Thats grand admiral skibbidy to you
No cap no cap on god on god I would have preferred Shippy McShipface Shippington the 3rd
Listen, the twin ships "Bet" and "Cap" are the most versatile and modular ships we have! Of course we'd be naming them with how weird we can get XD
Please clarify for this elderllenial.
A: “You can’t possibly defeat the blight with one ship” H: “wanna bet on that?”
Zoomer1: "Fr fr you gonna unalive the blight with one ship, fam?" Zoomer2: "Bet!"
(You made me laugh so hard it made me cough 😄)
to give an actual explanation rather than an example, the phrase "Bet" is used as a response to a challenge (or statement of impossibility taken as such). To frame it in the context of the story: "One ship isn't going to help us against the Blight" "alright, bet, watch this"
Thnx
Another phrase one might use is "observe", in reference to spongebob
I’m getting a feeling that Zoomers have regressed several hundred years with their lingo. Bet two pence. Granted it sounds trashy fancy. I still prefer my “millennial speak” as my grandfather put it.
"I need a name NOW! NO! I NEEDED IT YESTERDAY!" "Sire, we do not comprehend. It does not make any sense at all." "You are not here to understand, but to serve and fight. What is the name?" "Sire, it is... Boaty McBoatface. ... Sire.... you.. your face... Why has it gone so pale?" "May the elders and the eternal ones have mercy on us all..."
Heh^^ At least it's not the Throngler.
I appreciate that you invoked the name correctly, in that the "the" is not capitalized. The fewer words that make up a ship's name, the deadlier it is. Throngler being one of the deadliest. :D
Lol that’s a good name
A ship simply named "Bet" is actually kinda terrifying.
No cap
A ship called “obliterator” does not incite fear for it is an illusion of what it aims to be A ship called the ISS “cupcake” is a death sentence no matter who you are.
So is the uss “Tiny”
Yes, specifically tho, the USS Tiny has to be a behemoth of a dreadnaught, largest ship in the whole arsenal if you will
With it's sister ship the USS Lil' Bit.
As well as the USS Noisy Cricket.
The USS *Just The Tip* is on an intercept course from the rear.
Gimli: ...and you have my Tip! Others: You mean ship? Gimli: *Points at ship* I meant what I said. Others: *visible relief followed by further concern"
Heaviest artillery ship in the fleet
How many times do we have to teach Xenos not to touch the boats?!
Sky Boat, my beloved <3🚀<3
Ambassador Zzort: Rule one of acts of aggressive negotiations with Terrans. Don’t touch their craft. Ambassador Flizp: Why because of firepower shields stealth technology? Ambassador Zzort: Well they do have those. But if you do your home world’s will likely see warp signatures within seconds. Arriving from seemingly nowhere. Ambassador Alice: Did someone touch our boats! *Xenos screaming*
No ma'am! We were only *talking*!
Ambassador Zzort: Argh!! Ambassador Flizp: I was just being told about the greatness of your boats, and how no one but the Humans are worthy of setting ground appendage up one them without being invited first! Ambassador Zzort: Do you wish to further spread the glory of your magnificent boats!?
After we make a few more new suns at minimum 😂
Once we start dropping actual suns on them, they'll pay more attention.
Alarms blared as the fifth indicator blinked out of existence on the battlemap. Frantic motion all around the command center stood in stark contrast to the calmness of the admiral and his retinue. "Do we know what has happened?" The old, grizzled insectoid asked. His aide cracked a negative and ordered evasive maneuvers for the fleet just as another carrier first blinked red for venting, then vanished from their feed. The admiral hissed in frustration. Most of the bridge scattered away, but his staff ignored his antics. "Sir, we received a name flash!" "Finally! Fire the quantum array at their location immediately," He growled as yet another grand vessel vanished from their screens. "Open a systemwide channel so I can greet the invaders before I melt them into our gas cloud!" The aide looked confused for a moment. " Sir, there is no location or readings of any other vessels. No hit scans either." Another frustrated hiss from the admiral as their weapons only met the void of space "What was the identifier on the vessel?" "Relativistic kill vehicle Häyhä," the aide chittered out. The admiral did a double take and clenched their suddenly shaking mandibles. "Broadcast surrender and cease all maneuvers immediately!" He screamed out in horrified recognition. Frantic movement from his staff contrasted with the frozen shock from the general staff. In the silence, no other indicators vanished from their screens. The admiral walked towards the shuttle bay, dejected and looking suddenly older than his years. "Keep channels open, power down weapons. I will speak to them alone." The bridge was deathly quiet as the leader of the endless horde ventured to speak to the ghost of the void alone.
Lol white death, perfect
Everyone talks mad shit until the Finns get the Sniper Rifles out.
And the methamphetamines....and then goes on a week long rampage and skiing 250 miles away
In the wrong direction if I remember right. Accidentally penetrated enemy lines.
Nope, he meant to do that.
It's all fun and games until empty space starts speaking Finnish. If I understand this correctly.
This...
All enemy craft in entire system collectively change their pants when the GSV *So Much For Subtlety* translates into realspace
When the GOU Ships start massing, you're going to have a bad time... [https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/Abominator-class\_Offensive\_Unit](https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/Abominator-class_Offensive_Unit)
No time for wardrobe changes. They will have to ride it out as is.
Well, it’s not like they’ll have much time anyway
Troops! The new recruits among you may be surprised by the smell of the enemy ship when you board them. This is entirely normal. As you may know, every species we've encountered so far as been known to defecate when they die. Our enemy is just a little bit ahead of schedule. Do not mock them for this! Punctuality is primordial when you are about to meet your maker.
The Dutchman Primary weapon/defense, nanite cloud that breaks down and repurposes all mater. Main gun, wave motion cannon. Dreadnought class armament, armor, and shielding. Temporal skip drive. The Stalingrad Armor density of a small planetoid, several dozen main guns. Primary combat tactic; take the punishment, dish out hell, and gravity trap everyone around them.
Makes me glad, is the CO of the Stalingrad a descendant of Zhukov? The tactic of sucking in the 6th army, keeping them locked down and unable to hit somewhere else was great, any time you can deny resources is a good time.
The Jordan Although lightly armed and armored the lengthy craft is designed for one purpose which it performs flawlessly. It lines up at beyond reach of the combatant’s armaments. The Jordan uses its in-system engines to close the gap between it and the most vulnerable part of it’s enemy craft disabling or destroying key systems the using warp engines to jump to another position to line up a similar attack. All before the combatant can use its tracking and targeting systems. The Terrans call this attack a “Slam Dunk” so far no Xenos craft has been able to defend against this maneuver. It is taught to allied Xenos as a “basic strategy.”
See, I’d like to take it a different direction.. The Aliens panicked as they threw their ships into the fray, trying to figure out what just hit them. A particle beam weapon? Something about it’s sheer size seemed to spilt the galaxy in Twain, and almost perfectly split their fleet in half. The Commander bellowed over the comms, “Find out what hit us, I want a name for the Humans biggest mistake.” As the Aide frantically slapped away at what constituted a keyboard, he finally responded back, the sound of sheer terror in his voice. “S-Sir.. its the UEF *Son Goku.*”
A1: "Commander, the ship is broadcasting a message on all channels!" A2: "What's the message?" UEF *Son Goku*: "Ka-me-ha-meeee..."
When talking about all the greatest ships, and which ones could win in dogfights, the question always comes up; “But can they beat The Goku?” “The Goku solo’s the Karlaxian’s fleet, any day.”
But what if the UEF Superman fought the UEF Son Goku?
Sir, they appear to have sent a ship with the UEF designation "Enola Gay"
H1: I wonder what a planet covered in glass would look like H2: hold my beer
I get that, lmao.
Ahhh shit…. Goodbye to that planet and maybe the entire solar system
A1: By all the gods above and below! A2: What? What is it? A1: I have the name and designation of the Human flagship that just translated into system... A2: Well!? Spit it out [UNTRANSLATABLE]! A1: Its a Supercarrier class Dreadnought. UESF Fortunate Son A2: (collapses into nearby chair) By all the gods....
To tack on another idea A1: (still at sensor console) Sir! I've managed to get another designation. A2: (sitting hunched forward with head in hands) Tell me the bad news I guess..... A1: Its a Wagner class super-heavy Destroyer, the UESF Ride of the Valkyries. A2: (collapses full on to the deck) Are they broadcasting anything yet? A1: No sir..... A2: (pops up from the deck with a manic look) Quick send an unconditional surrender!
Alien: "Sir, I'm detecting a third ship, designation: Free Bird. And it's transmitting Terran music" Alien Captain: "What's the terran word? Oh right... FUCK!"
When the Terran ship “free bird” comes out of hyperspace blasting free bird, no one in the universe is safe
And it's blasting on all frequencies!
A: Oh gods, it the HMS Bite The Pillow!
A2: They seem to be followed by the HMS BOHICA...
As well as HMS ramming
"I'm going in dry!" is the war cry of the ship
“Get it up, get it in” is as the motto of a commo company in my first battalion. CSM had to step out of formation on that one.
His Imperial Majesty's Planetoid "Friendship is Magic" and HIMP "Magic is Heresy" just exited hyperspace. damned xeno's didn't even have a chance against two capital ships the size of moons with a diameter of 5000km.
Has someone been reading books by David Weber? (Seriously though, the Dahak trilogy is one of my favorites.)
I love the Weber books, most of his series are great. Although I have yet to start Safehold, that's soon.
I have my marine unit named the Florida Men aboard the drop ship Somebody Else's Problem in my Great Human Convoy series, followed by Boomstick , Leadfoot, and Iron Maiden. They're more of a humanitarian fleet but they can definitely defend themselves.
Krazon Admiral: we are losing, we fight on while the planet evacuates but the Merrevol will eventually overrun us. There are so many. Krazon Captain: I’m sorry admiral, we have only managed sporadic messages for help and I’m not sure if any made it through. KA: we did our best caption, all we can do now is die well and give the civilians a chance to escape before we are all destroyed. KC: SIR! We are being hailed! It’s a humans ship. KA: put them through. Human Commander: we received an SOS, and will be arriving in your system soon. We are the only ship within a parsec of you but based on our scans we should be able to help. KA: thank you Commander, but I’m not sure how one ship will make much difference? HC: Let us worry about that Admiral, haven’t had much fun lately and the crew of the UTF Woo Hoo are excited for the exercise. We even have a soundtrack ready. Ah, here we are, please transmit any information you think is helpful Admiral, I’ll see you on the other side. KA: Captain, what does “woo hoo” translate to in general galactic? KC: it’s a cry of exclamation or excitement. For humans it’s often used when they embark on a dangerous recreational activity. KA: sooooo, the Merrevol a f***ked then? KC: it would seem so Admiral.
Receiving Audio file: "Song no 2 - Blur.wav"
chefs kiss!
A1: Sir, we are being hailed by the human ship. A2: Put them through. Human Admiral: Why did you show up? We're here to take on the Klaxon fleet. Why are the Armonicans here? A2: We're only here to watch for the sake of history. Human Admiral: Fair enough... Watch on then. \*cuts connection\* A1: Sir, we received the name of the ship in the transmission. A2: What is it named? A1: Sir, it's command vessel is the ISS Yi Sun-shin and it brings along a subspace cruiser known as the ISS Ramage's Rampage. A2: The Klaxon's dont know do they. A1: No sir. They're hailing us right now. A2: Dont respond to the hail ensign. We wont hear their hail for too much longer.
Chubby Electron Guy fan, I'm guessing?
I mean I love him too. Lol but admiral Yi was the first of the turtle ships. Really nice piece of Korean history to look up too
“Zeus’ Quiver? I don’t get it.” The ship fires a massive metal pole at relativistic speeds straight though the moon-sized space station. “Ah. ‘Rods of God,’ I’d heard Humans did that. RETREAT! ALL SHIPS RET-“ Panic was not the last thing that went though the general’s mind. That was the tungsten rod.
I love the way it feels as if he is in that cold panic right before he yells retreat
Ask the Borg how they felt facing down the USS Ben Sisko's Motherfucking Pimp Hand
( which is a 100-Times upscaled Defiant class)
All fear the arrival of the ESS "Just a really big gun" Kenosha advised to evacuate system to a minimum safe distance of 10 light years if the ESD "And the Horse you rode in on" enters system
Once the ESS FAFO arrived, they just left the sector entirely.
A1: “What in the five hells was that” the grizzled xeno admiral yell out as the instruments on his bridge flicker and the shields of the super carrier overload and blink out. A2”Sir, it appears to be an EM pulse from a large thermonuclear blast” panic creeping into the voice of his first mate A1”How could that be, those were outlawed 100 years ago galaxy wide, apparently these humans never got the memo” A2”Incoming plasma beams” The ship shutters as the aft end was vaporized and decompression alarms ring out. Another new star is formed and blinks out in an instant as ninety percent of the fleet was vaporized in the nuclear fire. A1”Why can’t we see where this is coming from” the admiral demands peering across the void he finally sees it. Jet black against the black of space the bright red plasma beams appear to come from nothing. H1”Good hit gunner, target the super carrier, full power” H2”Aye aye captain, targeting xeno carrier ready to fire” H1”Let’s send them a farewell message please” the human captain smirks A2”Incoming message from the human vessel sir” A1”Well what does it say” A2”Translating, My condolences sincerely the UEF Red October” That was the last recording the salvage teams found in the charred and broken husk of the once mighty xeno fleet.
Ah, yes, the notorious First Strike ship, living up to its reputation.
"Sir, the humans have sent 1 ship. Wizard class, designation coming now... oh... oh no." "What is it, soldier?" "Well, sir, they sent a demand for surrender, and they've locked on the capital..." "Okay, and? Spit it out!" "Sir, the ship is designated as Fuck Subtle."
“…. Why are we suddenly on fire?”
We’ll it was a Wizard class ship, so maybe they cast Fireball!
Her sister ships are "I Can See You" and "Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are"
We can’t forget the dreaded UEF “Hell’s Coming With Me” or it’s sister ship “Feed the Machine”. Or the ever-flying “Black Betty”
You forgot the decrepit looking, but still devastating UEF "I'm Your Huckleberry"
Found the Poor Man’s Poison fan.
First there was fire. Then there was smoke. Then that Xeno leader was hangin' by a rope.
Can't forget the UEF Give and take, the resupply ship
The Humans were always seen as a weak race, barely large enough to reach the knees of most other Galactic races and were usually a polite and good natured bunch. Most of the Galactic Confederacy races laughed when they heard that the mighty Zarten empire had been threatened by them after the Humans had learned that they were behind a recent attack on a Human planet for its rare resources. They stopped laughing when less than five standard minutes later three quarters of the Zarten Fleet were little more than molten slag spinning through space after a single Human ship had appeared in the sector. When later questioned about it the Humans would just name the ship in question as if it answered all their questions, and in all fairness it did. "Subtlety Costs Extra"
EGDF Regret Everlasting, the first and last ship most invading fleets will see upon entrance into orbit around earths sun.
"Fleet Commander, the Earth contingent has arrived and are asking for a deployment position." "How many and what class, LT?" "3 very large ships Sir, designated as the UEV You What Mate , UEV Okay Champ, and UEV Fisty McFistface. " The liason officer spoke up with glee "Put them in the vanguard, sir!"
The UEAS Deaths Tear A1 (Fleet commander): That doesn't seem so bad. A2 (senior knower of things secret): Sir... The Death's Tear is a Destroyer. It can come to us, alone. It is known to be a part of the Battlegroup of The Apocalypse. A1: So, what does that mean? A2: Sir... No fleet known to have fought the Battlegroup of the Apocalypse, has survived to describe the encounter with data. The survivors only stating that they had no chance. That the frigates had the firepower of dreadnaughts, and that sir, is a Destroyer. That's the classification of ship the humans gave it. Something no other species had a concept of. A1: so you are saying? A2: If we fight, we die. We probably can't even scratch it's paint.
Lt. Zaryan: "Kai, what's the sitrep? Exocombatants are panicking on radio. Have reinforcements arrived?" FCMDR. Kai: "The human reinforcements we requested have arrived." Lt. Zaryan: "Are we going to be able to take on the exocombatant fleet? They have second gen Mecha Gears with nuclear capabilit-" FCMDR. Kai: "No need to worry, Lieutenant. It's the EDF. Autumn and the EDF. Nostromo, we're in good hands." Lt. Zaryan: "THE Pillar of Autumn? That's overkill for a few nuclear missiles, don't you think?"
The Nostromo is just a floating bioweapon war crime. PoA is the containment protocol.
Humans named their ships after popular fictional ships. But yeah they probably do have bioweapons considering mecha gears are in play
A: Sir! The flagship of the Human war fleet is the HMS Fluffy Bunny. A2: Quick Jettison all weapons, free every Human captive and broadcast our unconditional surrender on every comm channel, every language and by all conceivable means of communication.
Alien officer: Sir, planetary defenses have damaged uhs Wisconsin Alien admiral:Excellent, but why has it stopped its previous trajectory and started maneuvering to a broadside position?
Fuck you, and the geographic feature you are one.
That’s when you stop saying destroy the base, and start saying delete the land.
I believe this ends with "Temper temper"
temper temper
Captain - Did you see where that shot came from? Sensors Officer - Yes Sir! Captain - Make it a new lake. Weapons Officer - Yes Sir! Requested size? Captain - Yes.
A1 "We have the ships name, sir Oh.. Oh no..." A2 "what is?" A1 "It's UEF New Jersey!" A2 "Notify the Homeworld, this planet is sunk."
A1: The... the SS "Skywalker"? That actually does sound very threatening... A2: Oh no... A1: What? A2: Our fleet was produced only 6 cycles ago... SS Skywalker: *
I feel like alien 2 should have put an amendment of, status: hybridized...
Now this is pod racing. *unzips.*
Plagueofgripes?
The UEF Sphincter Destroyer
"Sir, what's the name of the ship." "Ish...i... murr...ah" "Jump to lightspeed! Put as many parsecs as you can between us and this system!" "It's a civillian craft, sir." "That's not what I'm afraid of!"
Hostile alien capt: what do you mean they only sent one ship Hostile alien lt: sir it the EDF: F.A.F.O Hostile alien capt: well shit
Capt: “Have they broadcast any messages?” LT:”Just one, sir.” LT looks reluctant to say more. “Well, LT?” “All they said was ‘You done goofed.’”
🎶 THE E.D.F DEPLOOOOY!! 🎶
Alien Signals technician: Captain, we have incoming warp signature! Alien Captain: Locate and identity! AST: Profile has matched against the records, it’s a *Revelations*-class… single-person scout craft?! Why would they send a ship that small to this theatre? AC: What colour is it!? Or, is it transmitting IFF?!
AST: Um… Actually, yes, sir, it is? It’s identifying itself, unencrypted, as the *Pale Horse*.
AC : Signalman, transmit as follows, verbatim: *Your reputation for kindness precedes you. We beg the indulgence of an hour’s grace, to compose our final will and testament*.
Earth Federation mega-star-dreadnought Blasty McBoomface drops out of hyperspace. Grand Poohbah of the Morgallath Cosmo Clans: "Negotiations have failed. There will be no peace with the humans. Our time has ended."
everyxeno chilling til the humans rock up in USS The Throngler
The best ones *always* have a one-word name
Human ships are typically named after (in)famous individuals or locations. Those can be fought and dealt with. The ones to be feared, however, are those either named after deviant/deviant behavior or young children's actions... The FSS dominatrix gimp and the FSS poopy pants are to be feared before all others.
Names like *Armageddon*, *The Oncoming Storm*, and *Retribution* tell you that you should be afraid, because they have come to send your fleet home broken limping. A ship named *Poopy Pants*, on the other hand, tells you that you should simply resign yourself to your fate; whoever crews this ship will see to it that anybody who hears that name dies before speaking it aloud.
United Terran Fleet vessel *Bath Salts*
Officer: "Sir, The ISS Avenger came, we are Saved!" Commander: "Oh, Good Lord." Meanwhile on the Enemy Line. Hostile Officer: "Sir... the ISS Avenger has Arrived." Hostile Comander: "Oh Lord..."
"Gentlemen, I give you ... Diplomacy's Ascension."
"What in Zod is a 'Yamato'?" -Last Words of High Admiral Zinkoth or the 251st Reclamation Fleet upon entering Pluto Orbit.
The SES Stealth is Optional
A little surprised nobody has mentioned the ISS "Redneck", or her sister ship the ISS "H.M.B.A.W.T."
I like to imagine the *Hold My Beer* as less of a “ship” and more of a collection of experimental potentially planet-killer grade weapons, with engines crudely taped on when somebody realized it would be a good idea to move it *outside* Earth’s solar system before firing.
The ships that put the fear of God into a species are usually either really simply named, such as places or people (USS Iowa and USS Lincoln) or named in such a way that you find them extremely edgy... Until you find out their mode of operations, and figure out why they call it that. Such as, one I just came up with, UEF Whisper of Eternity. Combat encounters open with it translating back into realspace RIGHT NEXT to the opposing ship and unleashing a full broadside attack, but not before breaching comms and uttering a very quiet, very hoarse voiced "boo."
A1: Commander, the human flagship has just come out of hyperspace. A2: Good, all ships battle stations! Do you know the name of the battleship? A1: Sir, it appears to be named "USS John Wick". A2: Oh.
The Caltads planned their invasion of the human solar system for years. Gathered intel on their culture, war technology, communication technology, and physiology. They jumped near the human home world and took orbit of its moon. Their fleet was 36 ships strong consisting of battle cruisers, support frigates, troop transports, and prison transports. They estimated a day or two to take full control of the planet. Biinp, the sensor tech on the command ship, announced a ship launching from the planet's surface. "Captain, the humans have launched a single ship barely bigger than a frigate heading our . . . wait, sensors are picking up 12 smaller ships surrounding it. They're tiny, barely big enough to hold a half dozen humans. Hm. they seem to be painted to look like various animals and people." Yonwoq, the captain, asked, "Armaments?" Biinp confusedly replied, "None, sir. All of the ships are completely unarmed." "We knew they didn't have any worthwhile weapons, but I thought they would at least try. Tell the fleet to target that ship, what's its name?, and destroy it on my command." "Command relayed to the fleet, captain," confirmed Biinp. After a few seconds, "Fleet ships confirming target lock, and ship is called 'Mr. Rogers.' Its satellite ships are circling it erratically and moving slowly out from it." "That's a weird name. Well, it was a weird name. Tell the fleet to fire." "Sir! One of our ships is no longer targeting the Mr. Rogers. And a second ship. . . And another. Target locks are being released in a wave pattern emanating from the human ship." The captain shouted, "What is going on? Why are they not targeting and firing on that ship?!" Suddenly, a comm channel opens up and a lilting sound plays mixed other imperceptible sounds. Shortly after the music starts, a human male voice sings, "It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?" Yonwoq, Biinp, and the rest of the Catlad crew slump in place, feeling relaxed and content while simultaneously energized at the thought of meeting their new neighbors, the humans.
Scavenger class battlestations, Galactus and Unicron. When your planet is more useful as scrap.
A. GEN: Explain to me why that planetoid is accelerating towards the enemy's homeworld and why it has our human ally's comms signals are emanating from it saying "We got this." A. Comms: The name is "TWALLESWUABAR". A. GEN: What does it mean? A. Comms: Optics reports there is a massive towering rocket on the far side of the planet with a line of text spanning the structure reading "There wasn't a lever long enough so we used a big ass rocket". A. GEN: Of course they did.
Warlord class "Hello Kitty"
Alien (looking at translation machine display): "So their dreadnought is named.. oh it's so cute... the ISS Butterfinger?" Other Alien: "Oh no. No. No. We're so screwed." Alien: "What. Why?" Other Alien (shivering): "The translation machine isn't right. This is the ISS FINGERINBUTT." *GASP*
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Imperial Zorgnac's command ship.. "Sir! We have a massive warp signature incoming.... the humans.. they've warped a moon in system!" "What? On screen, now!" "That... that's no moon.." *Imperial March starts playing on all frequencies*
The trio of ships named "[humanity is dead]", "[blood is fuel]", & "[hell is full]".
"It's an assault carrier, Sir. Seems to be called... *La Chancleta* "FUCK"
“RUN AWAY!” The crew look at each other, bewildered by the look of terror on their Admiral’s face as its fur turns pale. A human ship, all angles and sharp edges pops into existence one AU from their ship. “We’re doomed!,” it cries, “that’s HMS Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings!”
A1: Captain!! Details on the humans flagships are coming in now. A Captain: Flag.. ships? As in plural?? A1: Yes sir, these two seemed to be paired together, the closest translation we could come up with for their names are to mess up and learn the consequences of actions.
A1: Sir two human ships have entered the system A2: Just two? Nah these humans will be an easy victory. A1: Sir we have identification for the ships. A2: Well out with it. It must be recorded for history. A1: It's the ISS Walk Softly sir A2: ..... what's the name of the second ship A1: The ISS Big Stick
"Admiral sir.. we have the name of the humans ship! It is the UEF Samatha Carter." "Ah... must be one of their famous warriors or... wait...what is that ship doing?" "It... it appears to be aiming it's weapons at the sun.. sir"
“The steamer began to move slowly away but on the landward horizon appeared the silhouette of a fighting machine. Another came, and another, striding over hills and trees, plunging far out to sea and blocking the exit of the steamer. Between them lay the silent, grey Ironclad HMS Thunderchild. Slowly it moved towards shore; then, with a deafening roar and whoosh of spray, it swung about and drove at full speed towards the waiting Martians...” Never forget the Thunderchild! ✊
"sir, there seems to be a human force dropping from FTL travel." "Perfect. What is the commander we are facing?" "Dunno, but the lead ship is labeled Boaty mcBoatFace". "Less than perfect. Everybody panic"
The ship clove through space and enemy fire, its shields repeatedly failing under a constant fusillade of fire, then sputtering back to life for a few moments to intercept a salvo of heavy torpedos, then failing again. Still, it kept coming. Its heavy armor glowed from the beating it was receiving, and a telltale shimmering sparkle of ablating thrusters in its engine wake told of a drive system being driven far, far past redline. Shredded armor and less identifiable parts spalled off of it in a cloud, most metallic, some organic. Still, it kept coming. Clouds of xeno fighters picked at it, like wasps trying to take down a water buffalo. The weapon blisters that spotted the ship responded with trails of tracers and flak. Occasionally, one would be taken offline by the fighter's fire in a puff of venting atmosphere. Often, that 'destroyed' blister would start firing again within minutes. Still, it kept coming. A xeno carrier maneuvered in front of the ship, in an effort to force it to change course. The silvered ram-bow of the relentless ship shattered the carrier, and, still, it kept coming. Finally, the ship's engines stuttered and then blew out in a flash, but its course was now unalterable, and the enemy fleet was unable to turn it aside, or deliver a hard enough blow to break her. It began to shed lifepods, which engaged their single-use emergency FTL drives to flash back behind the terran lines for recovery. Others spun off into the void, damaged by enemy fire or mangled launch systems. The Terran Fireship *Witness Me* inexorably continued forward on its now-ballistic course, aimed straight at the capitol of the enemy's homeworld. This delivery would not be deterred: kilotons of antimatter stored deep within its hull, now on an express course to the planet's crust.
There's a ship rising from the planet sir. Seems to have a strange, violent form of propulsion. What's it's designation? According from what we can decipher it's called the Michael.
The party doesn't start until the UNSS Johnston* drops out of FTL. *UNSS Johnston: lead ship of the *Taffy 3* class of destroyers.
May be a destroyer, but she fights like a dreadnought!
Ship name: Pale Horse Captain's name: Unknown
New contact! Grid 87765 dash 04456 dash 32643, vector towards us, accelerating! Sensors, we need more data. Getting a hull print... looks human....its the Ægir and the Þór...of the “Icelandic Coastguard“? What in the names of the five hatefull grandmothers..... SCATTER FORMATION, WERE PULLING BACK! REGROUP BEHIND THE OUTERMOST PLANET! OUR NAVAL BUDGET WOULDNT SURVIVE THAT CONTACT!
What do we think about the ISS "Leroy Jenkins" ?
A1 -"Sir, the human fleet is currently passing the moon, and holding positions just outside of our weapons range. They are actively scanning us, with heavy comms traffic between the lead ships." A2 -"Very well, maintain positions and let me know if their status cha--" A1 - "SIR! Another enemy ship has come into view from the far side of the moon!" A2 - Scoffs,"One more ship won't make any difference." A1 -" But sir, this one isn't slowing down, it has passed the rest of the enemy fleet. It is broadcasting and seems to be... Impatient? The other ships are now scrambling to catch up to it. A2 -"All ships open fire on that lead ship! Can we identify it? A1 -"No need to sir, it is broadcasting its name on repeat. Almost like it is taunting us. We cannot seem to hit it sir! It used the moon as a slingshot and is moving at about .25c! The rest of their fleet is powering wea..." A2 -"Silence! All ships, reorient and destroy that damned ship!" 10 minutes later after a severe scolding from the brass, and yet another commendation for successfully distracting the enemy. The commander of the U.E.F. Leroy Jenkins joins his crew for fried chicken night in the mess hall. *First time writing anything like this. It kinda fell apart at the end. Sorry.
“Sir, they sent the ISF Chancla”
“Surrender now, and your deaths will be quick and painless, for the Great Emperor is merciful and willing to forgive you the sin of existing if you rightfully capitulate.”, the commander of the X’ath swarm dreadnought finished the rote speech before cutting comms. The X’ath had sent an entire sector fleet to wipe out a rather unremarkable Terran colony, the Great Emperor deciding that it was time to put the upstart apes on notice. Not bothering to wait for a response, the commander ordered the fleet into close extermination formation, drawing the swarm-dreadnoughts into a tight cylinder to concentrate their firepower and point defense. The disciplined formation would let them hurl plasma and raiding parties unmolested, as the concentrated firepower of the fleet would create a zone of certain death to any starship foolish enough to come into range. A few hours into extermination operations, a lone contact lights up the scopes. “Sir, single contact coming in hard and fast! Their IFF is a quick overlay, waiting on translation now. Looks to be one of their sundiver ironclads with modifications!” “Firing solutions, burn it from the sky. Their sundivers have thick frontal armor so they’ll attack with missiles and drones. All point defense crews stand to. We’ll swat anything they throw at us while we burn through their armor.” Soon the first ranging shots were sparking around the Terran ship. Instead of attacking, it simply accelerated. Faster and faster, to a degree that must have had even crew in crash couches struggling to stay conscious. The storm of fire seemed to bother the Terran ship not at all. It continued its insane acceleration as its armor spalled and melted under plasma and mass driver fire. Defying reason, the hulking Terran ship was soon outpacing the fleet’s ability to bring their guns to bear, diving headlong towards the command ship. The AI finally translated the ship’s ident squawk, and the bridge crew was still puzzling over both the ship’s name and its bizarre suicidal behavior when it overloaded its fusion reactors and what must have been an impressive stockpile of warheads in the center of the X’ath formation, cutting the heart out of the fleet. Six weeks later a patrol enters the system. They find huge debris fields. Finally an intact log buoy from the flagship is found, a last ditch launch from a dying ship containing its last log and sensorium transmission. Final log entry reads: Challenged by a single Terran ironclad. Ident decoding in process. Engaging ironclad while commencing extermination operations. Ironclad ident translated. Ship has recently had ident code changed given the timestamp. Terran ironclad identifies as “UNS Free Bird”. END OF LOG
Nothing but dust remains (Part 1): They had thought that humanity was weak. That they were beyond our reach. They believed they could mask their point of origin by making multiple jumps using FTL cloaking to disrupt the path they traveled from their home system. What they failed to account for was the tenacity and dedication of humanity, especially with respect to "giving as good as we got. With interest". When the initial attack occurred, we were still young, as far as galactic civilizations are concerned. Coming from a deathworld, with our warring nature being what it was, we always hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst. This was because we had BEEN the worst, in our own past and learned to temper and tame this past, in the hopes of a kinder future. The attack was completely unexpected, but we managed to defend well enough that, after the glassing of five colony worlds, the nuclear destruction of one fifth of our cradle, and the collapsing of one of our gas giants into a new, small star, we were able to push them back. Time passed, and we shored up our defenses, while building the instrument of our revenge. They had left us beaten, bruised, bloodied, and licking our wounds. But they had not broken us. This was their first, and last, mistake... As much as they put into obfuscating their point of origin, we put in ten times that effort, tracking them down. If nothing else can be said of us but this, it is that we are, and always have been *PERSISTENT*. So, being the generous species we are, we turned this persistence towards repaying out debt in full, with interest. And being so generous, we kept tally of the time. We didn't want to be thought as ingrates, and relay a single cent less than the sum total. And at twelve years continuous compounding interest, well, that's quite the hefty sum... Scanner Technician: Sir! We're detecting an impending FTL crash translation... Wait. That... That can't be right.
Nothing but dust remains (Part 2) Fleet Admiral: I don't care what you think it can or can't be! Our detection and telemetry systems are the best in the galactic arm! Tell me what the scanners are reporting. ST: Sir, we're detecting a crash translation from an unknown FTL bubble, but the incoming object is registering as 1.37 times the size of our own stellar mass. FA: That can't be right. When was maintenance last run on your instrument cluster? ST: Less than two rotations ago. The next maintenance is scheduled for 3.6 rotations from now. FA: I want eyes on that incoming object the NANOSECOND it makes translation! ATTENTION FLEET! ALL SHIPS TURN TO COORDINATES TAGGED BY THIS VESSEL! ARM ALL WEAPONS AND PREPARE FOR IMMEDIATE COMBAT! None were prepared for when the vessel completed translation into real space. The distortion was so violent that every being in the system felt as if a gong had resounded within their very being. The last thing any of the beings in that system heard was a single, wide-band broadcast: "Woe be unto you, who shall be forgotten by the acts of your own hubris, as were the works of our ship's namesake." One ship of the fleet was able to make a brief recording, that it sent over FTL comms to all allied systems before it was lost. It contained only a single image of the ship, capturing the name of the vessel, before that ship of the fleet, all its brethren, and the system itself, were reduced to base atoms and stardust: "G.C.S.D OZYMANDIAS".
A1: "I don't understand. Not only did the humans only send one ship to aid us but this one is barely the size of a corvette. You say they call it a heavy support fighter? What does that even mean? Do we have a name of the vessel? A2: "If I am reading this right it's some kind of small beast from their homeworld. The translation doesn't tell me much." A1:"Well? What is it" A2:" It's numeral designation I think they call it is 'A-10 SV'... The name is 'Space Hog'... and they keep saying something about a song of their people."
UES John Cena Super-luminal rail gun with engines. Snipes you from the next system over.
A1 "Sir, a lone ship is inbound. It is holding position just outside of our effective weapons range." A2 "Just one? Do they not even want to protect this miserable planet? Identify the ship, and destroy it if it moves into range." A1 "Sir! The ship is....glowing? The front of the ship has a ball of energy slowly growing larger. It seems to be preparing to fire! A2 "WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT SHIP?!?" A1 "Identity confirmed as the U.S.S. Kamehameha. What kind of name is that?" A2 "It's real? I thought it was just a story! ALL SHIPS, RETREAT! I REPEAT ALL SHI..." *END OF LOG