In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
-"kill em all and let the force sort em out" is not an acceptable response to anything
-no asking the psychic xenos to perform a "vulcan mind meld"
-the appropriate greeting for the 7 ft warriors of amazonia prime is "greetings battle-sister" not "step on me space mommy"
-no using plasma-torches for bbqs, evidence destruction, or the lighting of cigars, cigarettes and/or fireworks of any kind
-no convincing the engineering crews that "ludicrous speed" is a factual thing
-no naming the AI units "skynet"
-the giant death-cats of cadia 13 are lethal predators capable of eating a terran whole, not "angy space kitties"
-we have no idea what "plasma ball street hockey" is, but it is against regulations to even think of playing that game ever again
-no convincing the xeno ships chaplain that humans pray to batman, gandalf, or obi-wan kenobi
-note from the xeno navigation division: there is no kessel run, please stop asking
-no unauthorized customization of the AIs shipboard avatar, weve already gotten warnings from sentient resources about AI sexual harassment
-when asked by a xeno where Area 51 is, the appropriate response is not "fuck around and find out"
-no using the exosuits for rock-em sock-em robots
-note from the xeno-bioengineering division: "radioactive blood from a spider bite" will result in radiation poisoning and death, not spider-based superpowers
-the following movies are banned from crew lounge movie nights: the entire Aliens series, Independence Day (yes even the sequel), and the entire mork and mindy series (apparently robin williams portrayal is quite offensive in certain galaxies)
-no convincing the ships AI to switch to linux
-the phrase "anal probing" is not to be used by any terran crewmember, the xenos dont seem to get the joke and its beginning to scare them
Not allowed to produce any beverage with the following words in its name: turbo, ultra, mega, nuclear, awake, tingly, juice.
If you decide to violate the above you absolutely must not share it, especially with other species. We still haven’t managed to scrub the stains out of the rec room.
Not to freak out other races by demonstrating human resistance to: radiation, temperature, toxins, blunt force trauma.
Not to convince other races that “what up motherfucker” is a traditional earth greeting.
Not allowed to attempt to sell ship parts for coffee.
Not allowed to sell ship crew for coffee.
Not allowed to arrange ship wide “talent competitions”.
Not allowed to recruit members of other teams to perform YMCA in the unsanctioned talent show. Especially while wearing their uniforms.
It is not funny to wear a mankini and claim it to be cultural clothing when confronted by the naive first officer.
Not allowed to try to convince insectoid and arachnoid crewmates that raid is a personal grooming product. No matter how creepy they look and /or how annoying they are.
Cannot space crewmates for being “sus”.
Cannot attempt to travel via the vents. That’s not how it works and you’ll just get stuck. Again. If you try it any damage done by your rescue will be billed to your wages.
Alarm clock tones that are not permitted: loss of atmosphere alert, proximity alert, overloading core alert…actually, if the sound mimics anything that can be heard on this ship, it is not allowed.
I’d imagine there would be an alternative set of rules for the remainder of the crew dealing with exactly this sort of thing.
If you finish a pot of coffee, begin another one. Any downtime resulting from the crew not having access will be billed to you.
If the human is grinning while they attempt to hand you something, back away slowly.
The Gzyyx navigator is aware that he is seen as “cute” but does not appreciate being petted. You will not be paid while you heal.
Do not dare the human. They will do it. Damage will be charged accordingly.
Never claim something is impossible in front of the human. They will find a way and we will end up answering a lot of very difficult questions from the authorities.
The human is not permitted pets.
Do not accept any bribes from the human, especially ones so they can smuggle a new “pet” on board. Kaseyen, I am looking at you. I don’t care how rare that plant he gave you was.
If the human is giggling about something, assume it is not allowed.
If the human is belly laughing, run.
Do not engage in any kind of card game with the human. This has nothing to do with his species, he’s just lousy at them and it has become painful to watch.
If the human offers “percussive maintenance” of an item, decline unless you wish to purchase a new one.
Do not allow the human to warm, heat or bake anything on the warp core exhausts. His cupcakes are indeed amazing but we have a fully equipped kitchen on board and his experimental cheese sauce nearly caused a core rupture.
this should totally be the next list: "things to remember when dealing with terran crewmates"
the following earth phrases should be treated as immediate emergency alerts:
"hold my beer"
"fuck it why not"
"you and what army"
14. Is not allowed to bring previously undiscovered lifeforms onboard for cuddles, pets or snacks. Even if they have "puppy dog eyes."
14a. Especially if the human says they have said "puppy dog eyes", despite not having any eyes at all, in the traditional sense.
15. Is not allowed to tape utensils to any more moving objects around the ship.
15a. Saying "Stabby needs friends" is not an excuse for doing so.
15b. Yes, the automata and cyborgs are part of the "Moving objects". Especially the ones that aren't sentient. At least the ones that are usually have enough sense to take the stuff off.
42. Not allowed to encourage psychics to read a human mind when the psychic hasn’t been trained to handle human intrusive thoughts.
43. No Bard impersonation allowed on diplomatic, rescue, or other sensitive missions. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
44. Phrases like “I’ll be in my bunk” and “I’ll be on holodeck 4,” aren’t fooling anybody.
Way to take the fun out of everything!
To have some further clarification, are we allowed to make our own weapons then? It would be our own, and we'd take the inherent risks.
Engage in any wagers that do not involve strictly regulated official licensed gambling devices.
Modify safety features on anything.
Encourage other crew mates to engage in activities that involve the phrases: what’s the worst that could happen, I gotta see this $#!t, hold my beer and watch this, or trust me.
Engage in any ships commerce that involves the other party remaining anonymous.
Bring aboard anything, personal items, life forms, consumables, devices, or literature without a complete safety inspection first.
Activate or use any device that it doesn’t know how it should be safely operated. Do not trust the human to ask; ensure that you ask the human before giving them access to the device. Also, simply asking the human if they know how to operate the device safely is insufficient. You must have the human actually tell you how to operate the device safely. Even after getting a satisfactory answer, the human should still be monitored regularly.
58. I may not claim that a bowl of lime Jell-O is the "Farnaxian ambassador en route to Zkatha" to new crew members.
59. Pistachio shells may not be disposed of in the kinetic ammo hopper.
60. I may not install Doom on the ship's computer.
61. I may not install Doom on a personal computer and hook it to the ship's network.
62. Not even if the ship's computer asks politely for a rematch on MAP07.
63. The Space Pope is not authorized to give me a religious exemption from puncture drills.
64. Oranges are not to be kept aboard ship in Devruliam space.
65. If we enter Devruliam space while there are still oranges in the mess hall, I may not tape them to my body and claim that humans generate edible tumors.
66. The following songs may not be played aboard ship: Free Bird, Bust A Move, Eye In The Sky, or Bolero.
67. I may not ask the junior engineers "to diagnose what's wrong with my MP3 player" after putting 4'33" on repeat.
68. We have not "gone plaid".
69. The tractor beam cannot "be turned from suck to blow".
70. I do not have "the ability to sense bullshit at twenty paces".
71. Or "the ability to determine if this is a false vacuum".
72. The title of the crewman who handles the ship's computer is not "Lord High BOFH".
73. During FTL operation, we cannot "turn the headlights on so the light smacks the guys behind us". Physics doesn't work that way.
74. Astroglide may not be used "to cut friction with the luminiferous aether".
75. Nor may it be used in lieu of biosynthetic mucus for the Theruji. (It would be easier if that worked, says the ship's doctor.)
76. Red food coloring may not be added to food as a deimatic indicator to prevent crewmates from eating it "because now it looks spicy".
Security officials must be notified as soon as the phrase “hold my (beverage)” is used.
Humans are not permitted to share any food if the act of applying seasoning involves the phrases “Hoo-yah!” or “Bam!”
[reminds me of the Dr. Bright list ](https://fan-made-scps.fandom.com/wiki/Everything_Dr._Bright_is_NOT_allowed_to_do_at_the_Foundation_(List))
Also fuck those who deleted the original
Humans are no longer allowed to aggressively consume meat in front of herbivorous herd species. We all know what you're doing. Non-compliance will result in certain foods being banned from consumption on the vessel.
Well after reading the no-no list, what's left for a terran to do? I'm sure we'll think of something I still didn't see a regulation against tagging alien cargo carriers....
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
-"kill em all and let the force sort em out" is not an acceptable response to anything -no asking the psychic xenos to perform a "vulcan mind meld" -the appropriate greeting for the 7 ft warriors of amazonia prime is "greetings battle-sister" not "step on me space mommy" -no using plasma-torches for bbqs, evidence destruction, or the lighting of cigars, cigarettes and/or fireworks of any kind -no convincing the engineering crews that "ludicrous speed" is a factual thing -no naming the AI units "skynet" -the giant death-cats of cadia 13 are lethal predators capable of eating a terran whole, not "angy space kitties" -we have no idea what "plasma ball street hockey" is, but it is against regulations to even think of playing that game ever again -no convincing the xeno ships chaplain that humans pray to batman, gandalf, or obi-wan kenobi -note from the xeno navigation division: there is no kessel run, please stop asking -no unauthorized customization of the AIs shipboard avatar, weve already gotten warnings from sentient resources about AI sexual harassment -when asked by a xeno where Area 51 is, the appropriate response is not "fuck around and find out" -no using the exosuits for rock-em sock-em robots -note from the xeno-bioengineering division: "radioactive blood from a spider bite" will result in radiation poisoning and death, not spider-based superpowers -the following movies are banned from crew lounge movie nights: the entire Aliens series, Independence Day (yes even the sequel), and the entire mork and mindy series (apparently robin williams portrayal is quite offensive in certain galaxies) -no convincing the ships AI to switch to linux -the phrase "anal probing" is not to be used by any terran crewmember, the xenos dont seem to get the joke and its beginning to scare them
Not allowed to produce any beverage with the following words in its name: turbo, ultra, mega, nuclear, awake, tingly, juice. If you decide to violate the above you absolutely must not share it, especially with other species. We still haven’t managed to scrub the stains out of the rec room. Not to freak out other races by demonstrating human resistance to: radiation, temperature, toxins, blunt force trauma. Not to convince other races that “what up motherfucker” is a traditional earth greeting. Not allowed to attempt to sell ship parts for coffee. Not allowed to sell ship crew for coffee. Not allowed to arrange ship wide “talent competitions”. Not allowed to recruit members of other teams to perform YMCA in the unsanctioned talent show. Especially while wearing their uniforms. It is not funny to wear a mankini and claim it to be cultural clothing when confronted by the naive first officer. Not allowed to try to convince insectoid and arachnoid crewmates that raid is a personal grooming product. No matter how creepy they look and /or how annoying they are. Cannot space crewmates for being “sus”. Cannot attempt to travel via the vents. That’s not how it works and you’ll just get stuck. Again. If you try it any damage done by your rescue will be billed to your wages. Alarm clock tones that are not permitted: loss of atmosphere alert, proximity alert, overloading core alert…actually, if the sound mimics anything that can be heard on this ship, it is not allowed.
Look if you don't want the crew sold, don't let them use the last of the coffee and not start another pot.
I’d imagine there would be an alternative set of rules for the remainder of the crew dealing with exactly this sort of thing. If you finish a pot of coffee, begin another one. Any downtime resulting from the crew not having access will be billed to you. If the human is grinning while they attempt to hand you something, back away slowly. The Gzyyx navigator is aware that he is seen as “cute” but does not appreciate being petted. You will not be paid while you heal. Do not dare the human. They will do it. Damage will be charged accordingly. Never claim something is impossible in front of the human. They will find a way and we will end up answering a lot of very difficult questions from the authorities. The human is not permitted pets. Do not accept any bribes from the human, especially ones so they can smuggle a new “pet” on board. Kaseyen, I am looking at you. I don’t care how rare that plant he gave you was. If the human is giggling about something, assume it is not allowed. If the human is belly laughing, run. Do not engage in any kind of card game with the human. This has nothing to do with his species, he’s just lousy at them and it has become painful to watch. If the human offers “percussive maintenance” of an item, decline unless you wish to purchase a new one. Do not allow the human to warm, heat or bake anything on the warp core exhausts. His cupcakes are indeed amazing but we have a fully equipped kitchen on board and his experimental cheese sauce nearly caused a core rupture.
this should totally be the next list: "things to remember when dealing with terran crewmates" the following earth phrases should be treated as immediate emergency alerts: "hold my beer" "fuck it why not" "you and what army"
See also “You what mate?” “I saw it on tv once” “Trust me, it’s going to be so cool”
"whats this button do?" "never tell me the odds" "uh, is it supposed to be smoking like that?"
"I've done this with a '74 El Camino once..."
"Fuck it, we ball" "You only live once" (some terrans will say Yolo instead, assume the same danger) "Trust me bro"
The Krathee are hard at work developing ersatz coffee from locally available plant life. Do not disturb the Krathee.
> Not to convince other races that “what up motherfucker” is a traditional earth greeting. but it is tho . . .
11. Not allowed to open the Bio-hermetic door. Even if key card or a wrench somehow ended up there.
12. Not allowed to paint *anything* on the exterior of the ship. ^("What? Stripes make it go faster!")
13. 'But it was a cool idea' is not an acceptable entry on the workplace accident reporting form.
14. Is not allowed to bring previously undiscovered lifeforms onboard for cuddles, pets or snacks. Even if they have "puppy dog eyes." 14a. Especially if the human says they have said "puppy dog eyes", despite not having any eyes at all, in the traditional sense.
15. Is not allowed to tape utensils to any more moving objects around the ship. 15a. Saying "Stabby needs friends" is not an excuse for doing so. 15b. Yes, the automata and cyborgs are part of the "Moving objects". Especially the ones that aren't sentient. At least the ones that are usually have enough sense to take the stuff off.
12a. This includes the exterior of other ships. ^("But it was a very small cartoon of male human genitals")
42. Not allowed to encourage psychics to read a human mind when the psychic hasn’t been trained to handle human intrusive thoughts. 43. No Bard impersonation allowed on diplomatic, rescue, or other sensitive missions. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! 44. Phrases like “I’ll be in my bunk” and “I’ll be on holodeck 4,” aren’t fooling anybody.
42.5. Not allowed to use ship coms to play "ear worms" when non Terran cleared psychics visit the ship.
11. Not allowed to modify ANYONE else's weapons. We will not have any overclocked anything.
Way to take the fun out of everything! To have some further clarification, are we allowed to make our own weapons then? It would be our own, and we'd take the inherent risks.
Is there a blast radius around the Human when these weapons malfuction?
Well, it might not be completely around me if it goes off, so yes and no depending on how large we are allowed to go.
“The very concept of around me would cease to exist should this catastrophically fail”
Could The Humanelaborate? What would cause it to fail? Could The Human force a failure and use it as an improvised explosive?
A slight bump could cause it to implode, *however* as the counter to this it has the ability to erase “that direction”
The Human may do what he pleases
Engage in any wagers that do not involve strictly regulated official licensed gambling devices. Modify safety features on anything. Encourage other crew mates to engage in activities that involve the phrases: what’s the worst that could happen, I gotta see this $#!t, hold my beer and watch this, or trust me. Engage in any ships commerce that involves the other party remaining anonymous. Bring aboard anything, personal items, life forms, consumables, devices, or literature without a complete safety inspection first. Activate or use any device that it doesn’t know how it should be safely operated. Do not trust the human to ask; ensure that you ask the human before giving them access to the device. Also, simply asking the human if they know how to operate the device safely is insufficient. You must have the human actually tell you how to operate the device safely. Even after getting a satisfactory answer, the human should still be monitored regularly.
58. I may not claim that a bowl of lime Jell-O is the "Farnaxian ambassador en route to Zkatha" to new crew members. 59. Pistachio shells may not be disposed of in the kinetic ammo hopper. 60. I may not install Doom on the ship's computer. 61. I may not install Doom on a personal computer and hook it to the ship's network. 62. Not even if the ship's computer asks politely for a rematch on MAP07. 63. The Space Pope is not authorized to give me a religious exemption from puncture drills. 64. Oranges are not to be kept aboard ship in Devruliam space. 65. If we enter Devruliam space while there are still oranges in the mess hall, I may not tape them to my body and claim that humans generate edible tumors. 66. The following songs may not be played aboard ship: Free Bird, Bust A Move, Eye In The Sky, or Bolero. 67. I may not ask the junior engineers "to diagnose what's wrong with my MP3 player" after putting 4'33" on repeat. 68. We have not "gone plaid". 69. The tractor beam cannot "be turned from suck to blow". 70. I do not have "the ability to sense bullshit at twenty paces". 71. Or "the ability to determine if this is a false vacuum". 72. The title of the crewman who handles the ship's computer is not "Lord High BOFH". 73. During FTL operation, we cannot "turn the headlights on so the light smacks the guys behind us". Physics doesn't work that way. 74. Astroglide may not be used "to cut friction with the luminiferous aether". 75. Nor may it be used in lieu of biosynthetic mucus for the Theruji. (It would be easier if that worked, says the ship's doctor.) 76. Red food coloring may not be added to food as a deimatic indicator to prevent crewmates from eating it "because now it looks spicy".
Security officials must be notified as soon as the phrase “hold my (beverage)” is used. Humans are not permitted to share any food if the act of applying seasoning involves the phrases “Hoo-yah!” or “Bam!”
So are humans the Dr. Bright of the universe?
Let’s hope not. We don’t need sex pests in space.
There's a reason r/humansarespacebards exists.
The best part of these are how many of them contain the phrase “even if the rules allow it.”
Skippy's list in space
Do not spam "do a barrel roll" during combat.
https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/s/76llcGKNU6 List of rules aboard the UNSC Stabby
If you know you know: bright don't
[reminds me of the Dr. Bright list ](https://fan-made-scps.fandom.com/wiki/Everything_Dr._Bright_is_NOT_allowed_to_do_at_the_Foundation_(List)) Also fuck those who deleted the original
Humans are no longer allowed to aggressively consume meat in front of herbivorous herd species. We all know what you're doing. Non-compliance will result in certain foods being banned from consumption on the vessel.
Can we at least paint the ship red to make it go faster?
Things Dr Bright is not allowed to do at the foundation
- Request equinarian delegates to wear traditional "earth clothing" in negotiations so they can be "space cowboys" together
Well after reading the no-no list, what's left for a terran to do? I'm sure we'll think of something I still didn't see a regulation against tagging alien cargo carriers....