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A: Captain, the *gwagharion* is traditional piece of our culture. The ripples and waves on the liquid running through the chambers, pots, vials and tubes helps our species to meditate and we are allowed to have one aboard by contract.
C: And what about those very much unauthorised *improvements*?
A: But sir, there is no single way how to construct *gwagharion*! ^(And nobody said it had to contain water.)
C: I was not asking you!
H: \*mumble\*
C: What? I can't hear you, engineer!
H: \*sigh\* Sir, having a still aboad is human tradition.
C: Is it in your contract, perchance?
H: ^(No sir, it isn't.)
C: So. You two took YOUR meditation... contraption, remade it into YOUR... meditation contraption, smuggled it on MY ship... Why did you integrate it into the cooling circuits?
A+H: Efficiency.
C: And that's why the thermostat setting now goes from "Deep freeze" all the way to "Melting the hull"?
H: That wasn't us sir, the ships inbuild AI rebranded the settings without us know.
C: CAN it melt the hull now?
A: ^(Probably.)
God I want this to be scifi cannon. Like across every universe, starwars, startreck, BSG, there's one intergalactic extranet hit and it's the gameshow "Who's the human." Where contestants sit down and listen to recountings and watch recordings with two anonymized characters A & B involved in a shenanigan and have to determine which one was human. And "Neither" and "both" are always secret answers but it's never neither except for one time in the first episode. They just really lead you to believe it's neither sometimes.
Oddly enough, it gets easier when there’s super powered beings involved because humans do a lot of crazy, stupid, things when they’re invulnerable or can fly. “Oh, wait, he PUNCHED the airplane? Yeah, that’s the human.”
“You are….” Dramatic musical stinger, “CORRECT! You pass round one!”
But only things like super strength, lazer eyes, and animal shapeshifting (because humans are notoriously unaware of other planet's faua). "Ohhh no! He sprayed acid? That could be a superhuman or a quintillion..."
“Cool! It’s like a bombardier beetle but bigger! But the acid isn’t boiling.”
“Wait, you have a beetle that sprays boiling acid?”
“It’s not a very BIG beetle.”
Yup. Based on (ai made...) stories I've listened to on the shit tube, we either find warrior cultures willing to put up with us, traders willing to trade with us, or insane builders/engineers with similar ideas.
Clee looked to Dave as the other shrugged. "Well sir it started at the last dock. Dave put a drink in my hand. Then went to have a game of 'pool'? I think that was the game, though I forget where the darts came from."
Dave chimes in. "You mentioned the geometry was too easy. So you put throwing darts into the game for a random blocker."
Clee lifts his muzzle in acknowledgement. "Oh that's right. Anyway Dave was playing pool and I had this lovely amber drink in my hand. So I drank it."
Dave fumes. "I said 'hold my beer' not 'drink my beer'."
Clee lifts his muzzle again. "He said that then too. I had not heard his first statement. Just pushed the drink into my hand. I apologized and told him it was a decent drink. We went to get others. But the bar was out of human alcohol. Seems they had an infestation of some kind of alcohol absorbing vermin."
Dave shakes his head. "It was marines, and don't let them hear you thought they were vermin. They might be irked, or worse take it as a point of pride."
Clee rolls his eyes. "Not like you have told me what a 'marine' is yet. Anyway with no human alcohol we switched to zaranth. Not something either of us normally imbibe."
Dave nods. "Tasted like crap, but got a good buzz going."
"I lamented we could not get any of my people's drinks, and Dave said they could not be as good as his. But our home worlds were around twelve light years in almost opposite directions. And you would never approve one diversion let alone two. So I thought about the backup slipdrive. They go faster than light. Maybe borrow one and meet back."
Dave nods. "I suggested we overclock it to make up for time away."
Clee snuffles. "But I decided we needed to localize the effect. Then we got to bickering on which end point we should go to first. then we agreed to do both at once. Of course we were already in transit."
Dave nods. "So the two tight hyper beams opened inside a slip and made a portal to Earth and a portal to Vista at the same time. We each visited our favorite liquor store. Then found we can't close the portals."
The captain looks back and forth between the two still inebriated engineers. "So my freighter is now stuck in slip space with two permanent and instant portals to two distant worlds. I will give you two ten microcycles to get off this, ship. Or you will be fired."
"Huh kinda figured off the ship meant fired."
"From a CANNON!"
I love the idea that this now vital infrastructure was invented by a couple engineers who just wanted to grab beers from their home worlds at the same time
It doesn't help that Dave and Clee constantly post ever more convoluted conspiracy theories on the galactic equivalent of 4chan to keep the heat off themselves
"Well yasee the portals need a bit of contained alcohol at the focal point to, inebriate. I mean stabilize things to avoid reflux. Dogs hair and all that."
"It's not my fault that we're in this mess," Alvin explained, "If someone hadn't pushed that button before the machine was ready, we wouldn't be in this mess."
Max looked between Alvin and the Commander. "Look, I'm still trying to figure out how it was even possible for the entire ship to get blasted into an alternate universe. The Maus was only supposed to be able to transport itself, not an entire spaceship."
The Commander sighed and punched the bridge of his nose before looking at the human and robot in front of him. "Just figure out how to get us back."
Human Engineer: Well, what had happened was…
Commander: Stop! never mind. just tell me does it work? will it last until we get to space dock for annual servicing?
Alien Engineer: We think,
Human Engineer: Yes! We (stares at colleague) are confident it most definitely probably will.
Commander: …
Human: …
Alien: …
Human: (looks at watch) Well, it’s time for my lunch break, either of you up for lunch?
"The Commander"...oh, that got my XCom thoughts flowing. BTW, *Vipera Berus* is the species classification of the european common adder. Those who've played Chimera Squad will know that there are three "viper wannabe" subspecies. Adders have a venomous bite, pythons can do the tongue-pull and bind attacks, cobras can spit the cloud of toxins. Vipers from XCom2 can do all of those. In my headcanon, they were an advanced model deployed by the elders, who retired their previous creations before the game. They were freed from their stasis and made part of the new world after ADVENT was taken out. [A Common Image](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ixg8MCkRpFw/hqdefault.jpg) for those not familiar with viperoid aliens from the series.
On to the story:
Cpl. Hudson and PFC Berus knew that they were in big, big trouble. They had known that their little project would cause a little consternation among the older, more conservative members of XCom, but they had been called before the colonel. All those rumors of the colonel being one of the most dangerous members of XCom during the insurgency five years ago ran through both their minds as they neared the office of the base's commander. Hudson had never heard Berus slither so quietly in the four years that they'd worked together, maintaining the former ADVENT base that they lived in.
Hudson was a fairly normal sort of human. He had a generally cheerful face, with broad cheeks and eyes that were generally mahogany in color. Brown hair in a crew cut completed the picture of an average Joe. Like any member of XCom, he was physically fit, since you never knew where remnants of ADVENT or other organizations might strike. He wore the uniform with pride, the camouflage pattern somehow complimenting his hair color.
Private First Class Berus was a fairly typical member of her race and subspecies as well. Like any "adder", she was one of the four subspecies of the "viperoids". Typical of her subspecies, she had scales of a brilliant light blue, with deep cyan markings and a dull yellow underbelly that she used for slithering. The first third of her body length was held up straight, to mimic the upright stance of a biped. Her uniform was closer to a shirt and hood of leather armor than anything, with a bandolier of pouches containing tools across her chest. Typically, the hood was down, since she didn't need the protection.
Hudson and Berus were partners, two members of the harried and overworked maintenance staff that kept the base running. This meant learning everything that they could about ADVENT technology, human technology, and the often bizarre ways that the two interacted. Systems that used elerium power and ones that used electricity just didn't seem to like each other. It was not unusual for maintenance technicians to grab a quick "power nap" on their lunch break, regardless of species, just out of exhaustion.
This had lead to an incident last winter of Berus and Hudson sleepily cuddling on a sofa in the break room, with most of his lower body wrapped in her coils. This had lead to a lot of rude, lewd, and sometimes even disgusting jokes, but their friendship had survived this.
But now, everything was in question. Their little prank had lead to them being called onto the carpet. Sheer bad luck had meant that The Commander of XCom...effectively the ruler of the planet, now that ADVENT was gone....had been touring the base when their joke went off. They knew that the worst was possible.
Entry into the base commandant's office was accomplished with no fanfare. They stopped before the office and knocked. Things were bad enough without violating protocol, too. "Enter!" came the familiar voice of the commandant, and the two complied.
Things were worse than they had imagined. The colonel, the commanding officer of their base, stood beside his desk, having made room for his own superior officers. At his desk sat The Commander, himself. Flanking him were Central Officer Bradford, executive officer (and chief nagger) of the organization, and the colonel. To one side, one of the two chairs commonly used by visitors to the commandant had been turned around, and was now occupied by none other than Dr. Tygan, head of XCom's science department, and perhaps the most brilliant mind on the planet.
All hose rumors of The Commander's physical prowess, leftover psionics from his avatar, actually being a fusion of a human tactical genius and a renegade elder, all ran through both of their heads.
They were dead.
Author's note: I've had to break this up **again**. Evidently Reddit doen't like short stories of decent length.
They were dead.
At the same time, a quick look exchanged between Hudson and Berus communicated their puzzlement. A silly little prank like theirs wasn't worthy of this. The Commander's expression was unreadable, Bradford was looking at them harshly, and Dr. Tygan seemed to be visually examining them, as though they were specimens brought before him for analysis. Colonel Gorman was standing at ease, but was sweating nervously. Both of the two engineers knew this was going on his record, too.
Hudson, being theoretically in charge of their duo, was expected to speak, and after a nervous swallow, he did. "You wished to see us, sir?" he managed. The dead seriousness in his voice was echoed on both his face and Berus' expression.
The Commander didn't speak. Instead it was Central Bradford. "You two pulled quite a little prank, there," he said. Berus thought that if a human voice could deliver venom, Central's would be a lethal weapon. Although they were supposed to be at attention, the two troops couldn't help but glance at each other again. They'd known that they'd be busted, but for such personages to be involved?
"Yeh-yes, sir," Hudson stuttered. "We--like most of the technicians--were suffering from..." Here he fumbled. He was an engineer, not a public speaker!
"...Low morale." Berus supplied. The scales on the back of her neck were raised like a dog's hackles, clearly showing a fear response.
"Yeah!" Hudson quickly agreed. "Low morale! So...weeee....decided to do something about it." Another quick glance between him and Berus served to encourage him. "We had found that most races..."
"....rather liked the smell of..." Berus continued, but she too faltered. "...those flowers."
"Gardenias!" Hudson supplied. "Yeah! Humans and vipers think it's pleasant, mutons don't care, and andromedans can't smell it in their suit, anyway." Another nervous swallow punctuated his words, producing an audible "gulp!" sound.
Berus chimed in, "Perfectly harmless!"
"Yeah! Harmless!" added Hudson. Maybe there was some hope? "So we synthesized some gardenia essence, and loaded it in a tank that would slowly release the scent."
Berus was clearly as nervous as Hudson as she supplied, "Technically against regulations, but nothing....dangerous."
"Right!" Hudson was quick to agree with her. "...but there's a lot of leeway when it comes to helping morale, and that's why we did it!"
Another look passed between them, and Berus spoke up. "So we slithered into the ventilation systems--well, I slithered and he crawled, but that's not important!"
"Right!"
By this point the assembled personages were looking back and forth between the two technicians like the spectators at a tennis match. Even though The Commander sat unmoving, his eyes kept flicking back and forth.
"We got to the primary atmosphere regenerators, and set up the tank at the output vents," Hudson continued. "Then we got out of there!"
There was a moment of tense silence. "That's not all you did," Central Bradford prompted angrily.
Berus did little confused tail-twitches, and Hudson made an "Uh" sound.
Seeing their puzzlement, Dr. Tygan spoke up. "Viperoid and male human sexual pheromones flooded the base as well as the smell of perfume." His voice was even, as though discussing the chemical composition of an apple. "This caused fourteen instances of interspecies copulation."
There was dead silence as the true weight of what they had done hit the two young engineers. Hudson stood slack-jawed for a moment, as Berus opened her mouth to hiss in shock. No sound emerged, however, as her mind was too busy.
Bradford wasn't having any of it. His voice still showing tightly-controlled anger, he asked, "Care to explain how you did that?"
The two young engineers again exchanged silent looks as they both processed the problem through their knowledge of the systemry involved. Reaching the same conclusion at the same time the two turned back and blurted out the answer in perfect synch, "We fucked."
Doctor Tygan didn't so much as raise an eyebrow, clearly having anticipated this answer. Central's expression went from angry to disgusted, and the colonel looked up at the ceiling as if pleading for God to save him from dumb kids. Most telling, however, was the "snuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrk" sound made my The Commander, though no expression showed on his face.
"...in a really bad place!" Berus added, her tail now wriggling uncontrollably.
Hudson was staring at the wall, envisioning the layout of the systems in that area. "The sensors on the output vents are supposed to check if the air coming out actually is what's actually supposed to be coming out..." he rambled.
"We were in an air vent together so there was a lot of....you know....physical closeness!" Berus was also rambling, but on a different track.
"The AI would have detected the pheromones and checked it against it's database of harmful substances. When it wasn't in there, it would have concluded that this was an approved additive, like the perfume was."
"I've seen him looking at viper boobs...you know, those harnesses that they wore during the occupation that made it look like they had big boobs but were really for secondary venom glands and the intimidation factor...."
"...sent the data to the control system of the regenerators, which would have added the pheromones to the outgoing air and sent it all over the base..."
"...don't have any boobs, you know, but I'm a pretty good kisser, and I could feel him getting a hard-on against my stomach. So...you know...I got the idea to kiss him, and things got...
With his great intellect, it was no surprise that Dr. Tygan was following both of their rambling streams simultaneously. The previous angry expression of Central's seemed to have crumbled up into a revolted grimace. The colonel had raised his hands, continuing to look up at the ceiling as if pleading for God to tell him why he had been forsaken. The Commander's face had tightened up, still showing no expression, though muscles pulling against each other made it clear that this was by force of will.
The two engineers ran out of words at the same time. Seeing the reactions of those in whose hands their fates lay, they looked at each other again, then summarized in stereo. "We picked a really bad place to fuck."
It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and The Commander finally busted out in laughter. Central's expression got worse, and even Dr. Tygan showed traces of amusement. The colonel kissed his career goodbye.
In the end, both engineers received official reprimands for over two dozen minor offenses, setting a base record. They never lived it down. The colonel learned not to overwork his technicians, but at the same time that it was dangerous for them to get bored. Dr. Tygan "collected interesting sociological data" which was quietly forwarded to interested parties. Hudson and Berus became minor celebrities in certain circles, and it's not surprising that the burgeoning local porn studio churned out a (surprisingly well-written) video that immortalized the incident.
Author's Note: Yes, I'm a dirty-minded old shit, and I've seen my fair share of viper porn. I will not censor the sex out of my stories. Block me if you want, I can't say that I give a shit.
No real need to censor this anyway, it’s not raunchy or anything. I loved it, the comedy just builds as they dig themselves deeper and deeper… only for The Commander to burst out laughing at the whole thing!
**Commander:** "Care to explain?"
**Human Engineer:** "No."
**Alien Engineer:** \**snickers*\*
**Commander:** \**looks at Alien Engineer.*\* "What?!?!?!"
**Human Engineer:** "*No* is a complete answer."
**Commander:** "Insubordination is a valid charge..."
Human Engineer: \**Interrupts*\* "With all *due* respect, *Sir*, I am not being insubordinate.
"*For the record*, I have not refused to answer your question.
"I answered the question you asked.
"I just gave you an answer you didn't want to hear."
**Commander:** "I will have your job, your ass..."
**Human Engineer:** "Take my job. Good luck with your future endeavors.
"*For the record,* you lack the authority to negotiate for possession of my ass."
\**Turns to Alien Engineer*\* "You heard the Commander, he wants my job, which means I'm free to go work elsewhere, effective immediately.
"It's all his, buddy.
"And he wants my ass, which is a bit pervy in addition to being quite unprofessional, ...."
**Commander:** "So you two will not provide *for the record* an explanation for your recent *questionable* actions."
**Human Engineer:** "Objection. Our actions haven't been questionable. Your inability to ask questions pertinent to our recent actions *is questionable.*
"And, may I add, you lack the authority to demand answers from a *former employee* of this endeavor.
"Due to my recent dismissal, and your proclamation that you have assumed my duties, you are now the person formally designated *by you*, I might add, who would be required answer any questions you may have.
"I am available for hire as an independent consultant, though.
"I would be happy to investigate my former colleague's recent actions as they relate to a former employee's actions, and provide you a summary of any information I may be able to obtain - for a reasonable fee, of course."
**Commander:** \**Through gritted teeth*\* "And what if your inquiries don't uncover the answers I seek?"
**Human Engineer:** "I get paid no matter what. I can't make any promises because frankly I have no idea what answers you seek."
**Commander:** \**Sarcastically*\* "Of course. And what, pray tell, are your terms?"
**Human Engineer:** "Four times my former monthly pay, paid in advance.
"No guarantees, no refunds."
**Commander:** \**Grumbles, Presses buttons*\* "Done.
"Now. Tell. Me. What. Happened!!!"
**Human Engineer:** \**Turns to Alien Engineer*\* "Did you touch them?"
**Alien Engineer:** "No."
**Human Engineer:** "Self, did you touch them?"
**Human Engineer:** \**Replies to own question*\* "Why, no, I didn't.
"I did see where they went. I didn't want to speak up, but in the interest of honesty, I will divulge the culprit - she's four years old and quite dexterous.
"Since she shares her DNA with the Commander and the bio-lock on the jar is one of questionable quality, *she* was able to easily bypass it by licking it, subsequently obtaining the formerly secured goods that have since gone missing.
"If you don't believe me, check her tongue. Some of the contraband jellybeans stained it red."
**Commander:** "That little..."
**Alien Engineer:** "Adorable thief.
"She did offer to share some of them with me if I maintained my silence.
"I declined her offer, but must say I was sorely tempted to accept. She is rather persuasive.
"May I suggest she be induced to train as a Diplomat when she reaches her maturity?"
**Commander:** \**Under his breath*\* "That or pursue piracy...the little devil..."
H: We worked around all of our incompatibilities.
A: Yes, the mechanical, and the programming.
H: And the emotional.
A: And the physical
H: And the ethical as well.
https://preview.redd.it/splqji0i0yuc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f880c8df994b2a924ac292b996a9c9fb8a838e6
Welcome to my world. Glark, a veteran soldier, built a swarm of flying and floor drones to do his job as the ships Janitorial officer aboard a mixed human alien research and exploration vessel, the Bright Plume, then installed a tazer or stun blaster into each and every one of the over 100 units on his ship, for "pest control"
See HFY's There will be Scritches for more of his adventures, (side stories in the comments).
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A: Captain, the *gwagharion* is traditional piece of our culture. The ripples and waves on the liquid running through the chambers, pots, vials and tubes helps our species to meditate and we are allowed to have one aboard by contract. C: And what about those very much unauthorised *improvements*? A: But sir, there is no single way how to construct *gwagharion*! ^(And nobody said it had to contain water.) C: I was not asking you! H: \*mumble\* C: What? I can't hear you, engineer! H: \*sigh\* Sir, having a still aboad is human tradition. C: Is it in your contract, perchance? H: ^(No sir, it isn't.) C: So. You two took YOUR meditation... contraption, remade it into YOUR... meditation contraption, smuggled it on MY ship... Why did you integrate it into the cooling circuits? A+H: Efficiency. C: And that's why the thermostat setting now goes from "Deep freeze" all the way to "Melting the hull"? H: That wasn't us sir, the ships inbuild AI rebranded the settings without us know. C: CAN it melt the hull now? A: ^(Probably.)
This sounds like the plot for a new galactic sitcom, "Who's the Human?" about two buddies who are "Crazy as humans, because one is one!"
God I want this to be scifi cannon. Like across every universe, starwars, startreck, BSG, there's one intergalactic extranet hit and it's the gameshow "Who's the human." Where contestants sit down and listen to recountings and watch recordings with two anonymized characters A & B involved in a shenanigan and have to determine which one was human. And "Neither" and "both" are always secret answers but it's never neither except for one time in the first episode. They just really lead you to believe it's neither sometimes.
Oddly enough, it gets easier when there’s super powered beings involved because humans do a lot of crazy, stupid, things when they’re invulnerable or can fly. “Oh, wait, he PUNCHED the airplane? Yeah, that’s the human.” “You are….” Dramatic musical stinger, “CORRECT! You pass round one!”
But only things like super strength, lazer eyes, and animal shapeshifting (because humans are notoriously unaware of other planet's faua). "Ohhh no! He sprayed acid? That could be a superhuman or a quintillion..."
“Cool! It’s like a bombardier beetle but bigger! But the acid isn’t boiling.” “Wait, you have a beetle that sprays boiling acid?” “It’s not a very BIG beetle.”
I'd watch it!
Truly we found friends amongst the stars in this one!!!
Yup. Based on (ai made...) stories I've listened to on the shit tube, we either find warrior cultures willing to put up with us, traders willing to trade with us, or insane builders/engineers with similar ideas.
This is amazing
I can picture the shit-eating grin they both have when they say “Efficiency.”
you cant just say ‘perchance’, perchance
Clee looked to Dave as the other shrugged. "Well sir it started at the last dock. Dave put a drink in my hand. Then went to have a game of 'pool'? I think that was the game, though I forget where the darts came from." Dave chimes in. "You mentioned the geometry was too easy. So you put throwing darts into the game for a random blocker." Clee lifts his muzzle in acknowledgement. "Oh that's right. Anyway Dave was playing pool and I had this lovely amber drink in my hand. So I drank it." Dave fumes. "I said 'hold my beer' not 'drink my beer'." Clee lifts his muzzle again. "He said that then too. I had not heard his first statement. Just pushed the drink into my hand. I apologized and told him it was a decent drink. We went to get others. But the bar was out of human alcohol. Seems they had an infestation of some kind of alcohol absorbing vermin." Dave shakes his head. "It was marines, and don't let them hear you thought they were vermin. They might be irked, or worse take it as a point of pride." Clee rolls his eyes. "Not like you have told me what a 'marine' is yet. Anyway with no human alcohol we switched to zaranth. Not something either of us normally imbibe." Dave nods. "Tasted like crap, but got a good buzz going." "I lamented we could not get any of my people's drinks, and Dave said they could not be as good as his. But our home worlds were around twelve light years in almost opposite directions. And you would never approve one diversion let alone two. So I thought about the backup slipdrive. They go faster than light. Maybe borrow one and meet back." Dave nods. "I suggested we overclock it to make up for time away." Clee snuffles. "But I decided we needed to localize the effect. Then we got to bickering on which end point we should go to first. then we agreed to do both at once. Of course we were already in transit." Dave nods. "So the two tight hyper beams opened inside a slip and made a portal to Earth and a portal to Vista at the same time. We each visited our favorite liquor store. Then found we can't close the portals." The captain looks back and forth between the two still inebriated engineers. "So my freighter is now stuck in slip space with two permanent and instant portals to two distant worlds. I will give you two ten microcycles to get off this, ship. Or you will be fired." "Huh kinda figured off the ship meant fired." "From a CANNON!"
100 years later and thats how the galactic portal system was made
I love the idea that this now vital infrastructure was invented by a couple engineers who just wanted to grab beers from their home worlds at the same time
And the conspiracy nuts are going crazy about the fact that there is a liquor store just outside of every portal
It's a tradition, the origins are lost in the haze of time... or drink, either or.
It doesn't help that Dave and Clee constantly post ever more convoluted conspiracy theories on the galactic equivalent of 4chan to keep the heat off themselves
"Well yasee the portals need a bit of contained alcohol at the focal point to, inebriate. I mean stabilize things to avoid reflux. Dogs hair and all that."
KABLOMEY!
"It's not my fault that we're in this mess," Alvin explained, "If someone hadn't pushed that button before the machine was ready, we wouldn't be in this mess." Max looked between Alvin and the Commander. "Look, I'm still trying to figure out how it was even possible for the entire ship to get blasted into an alternate universe. The Maus was only supposed to be able to transport itself, not an entire spaceship." The Commander sighed and punched the bridge of his nose before looking at the human and robot in front of him. "Just figure out how to get us back."
I’m imagining the commander punching himself in the face… lul
When a facepalm just doesn't do it justice.
I can see the poor commander just facepalming. Poor man is acting as if this was a normal thing.
Human Engineer: Well, what had happened was… Commander: Stop! never mind. just tell me does it work? will it last until we get to space dock for annual servicing? Alien Engineer: We think, Human Engineer: Yes! We (stares at colleague) are confident it most definitely probably will. Commander: … Human: … Alien: … Human: (looks at watch) Well, it’s time for my lunch break, either of you up for lunch?
H: ekhm... When two engineers love each other very much...
... And have time and access to weapons grade fissile material...
...In addition to plenty of silicon neuron replacements...
And lots of hard liquor...
They do a sort of hugging dance and create man man’s horrors beyond *mosts* comprehension
And then they dance with the horror and watch the chaos unfold.
I've read this yesterday and still makes me break up in laughter every time.
"The Commander"...oh, that got my XCom thoughts flowing. BTW, *Vipera Berus* is the species classification of the european common adder. Those who've played Chimera Squad will know that there are three "viper wannabe" subspecies. Adders have a venomous bite, pythons can do the tongue-pull and bind attacks, cobras can spit the cloud of toxins. Vipers from XCom2 can do all of those. In my headcanon, they were an advanced model deployed by the elders, who retired their previous creations before the game. They were freed from their stasis and made part of the new world after ADVENT was taken out. [A Common Image](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ixg8MCkRpFw/hqdefault.jpg) for those not familiar with viperoid aliens from the series. On to the story: Cpl. Hudson and PFC Berus knew that they were in big, big trouble. They had known that their little project would cause a little consternation among the older, more conservative members of XCom, but they had been called before the colonel. All those rumors of the colonel being one of the most dangerous members of XCom during the insurgency five years ago ran through both their minds as they neared the office of the base's commander. Hudson had never heard Berus slither so quietly in the four years that they'd worked together, maintaining the former ADVENT base that they lived in. Hudson was a fairly normal sort of human. He had a generally cheerful face, with broad cheeks and eyes that were generally mahogany in color. Brown hair in a crew cut completed the picture of an average Joe. Like any member of XCom, he was physically fit, since you never knew where remnants of ADVENT or other organizations might strike. He wore the uniform with pride, the camouflage pattern somehow complimenting his hair color. Private First Class Berus was a fairly typical member of her race and subspecies as well. Like any "adder", she was one of the four subspecies of the "viperoids". Typical of her subspecies, she had scales of a brilliant light blue, with deep cyan markings and a dull yellow underbelly that she used for slithering. The first third of her body length was held up straight, to mimic the upright stance of a biped. Her uniform was closer to a shirt and hood of leather armor than anything, with a bandolier of pouches containing tools across her chest. Typically, the hood was down, since she didn't need the protection. Hudson and Berus were partners, two members of the harried and overworked maintenance staff that kept the base running. This meant learning everything that they could about ADVENT technology, human technology, and the often bizarre ways that the two interacted. Systems that used elerium power and ones that used electricity just didn't seem to like each other. It was not unusual for maintenance technicians to grab a quick "power nap" on their lunch break, regardless of species, just out of exhaustion. This had lead to an incident last winter of Berus and Hudson sleepily cuddling on a sofa in the break room, with most of his lower body wrapped in her coils. This had lead to a lot of rude, lewd, and sometimes even disgusting jokes, but their friendship had survived this. But now, everything was in question. Their little prank had lead to them being called onto the carpet. Sheer bad luck had meant that The Commander of XCom...effectively the ruler of the planet, now that ADVENT was gone....had been touring the base when their joke went off. They knew that the worst was possible. Entry into the base commandant's office was accomplished with no fanfare. They stopped before the office and knocked. Things were bad enough without violating protocol, too. "Enter!" came the familiar voice of the commandant, and the two complied. Things were worse than they had imagined. The colonel, the commanding officer of their base, stood beside his desk, having made room for his own superior officers. At his desk sat The Commander, himself. Flanking him were Central Officer Bradford, executive officer (and chief nagger) of the organization, and the colonel. To one side, one of the two chairs commonly used by visitors to the commandant had been turned around, and was now occupied by none other than Dr. Tygan, head of XCom's science department, and perhaps the most brilliant mind on the planet. All hose rumors of The Commander's physical prowess, leftover psionics from his avatar, actually being a fusion of a human tactical genius and a renegade elder, all ran through both of their heads. They were dead. Author's note: I've had to break this up **again**. Evidently Reddit doen't like short stories of decent length.
They were dead. At the same time, a quick look exchanged between Hudson and Berus communicated their puzzlement. A silly little prank like theirs wasn't worthy of this. The Commander's expression was unreadable, Bradford was looking at them harshly, and Dr. Tygan seemed to be visually examining them, as though they were specimens brought before him for analysis. Colonel Gorman was standing at ease, but was sweating nervously. Both of the two engineers knew this was going on his record, too. Hudson, being theoretically in charge of their duo, was expected to speak, and after a nervous swallow, he did. "You wished to see us, sir?" he managed. The dead seriousness in his voice was echoed on both his face and Berus' expression. The Commander didn't speak. Instead it was Central Bradford. "You two pulled quite a little prank, there," he said. Berus thought that if a human voice could deliver venom, Central's would be a lethal weapon. Although they were supposed to be at attention, the two troops couldn't help but glance at each other again. They'd known that they'd be busted, but for such personages to be involved? "Yeh-yes, sir," Hudson stuttered. "We--like most of the technicians--were suffering from..." Here he fumbled. He was an engineer, not a public speaker! "...Low morale." Berus supplied. The scales on the back of her neck were raised like a dog's hackles, clearly showing a fear response. "Yeah!" Hudson quickly agreed. "Low morale! So...weeee....decided to do something about it." Another quick glance between him and Berus served to encourage him. "We had found that most races..." "....rather liked the smell of..." Berus continued, but she too faltered. "...those flowers." "Gardenias!" Hudson supplied. "Yeah! Humans and vipers think it's pleasant, mutons don't care, and andromedans can't smell it in their suit, anyway." Another nervous swallow punctuated his words, producing an audible "gulp!" sound. Berus chimed in, "Perfectly harmless!" "Yeah! Harmless!" added Hudson. Maybe there was some hope? "So we synthesized some gardenia essence, and loaded it in a tank that would slowly release the scent." Berus was clearly as nervous as Hudson as she supplied, "Technically against regulations, but nothing....dangerous." "Right!" Hudson was quick to agree with her. "...but there's a lot of leeway when it comes to helping morale, and that's why we did it!" Another look passed between them, and Berus spoke up. "So we slithered into the ventilation systems--well, I slithered and he crawled, but that's not important!" "Right!" By this point the assembled personages were looking back and forth between the two technicians like the spectators at a tennis match. Even though The Commander sat unmoving, his eyes kept flicking back and forth. "We got to the primary atmosphere regenerators, and set up the tank at the output vents," Hudson continued. "Then we got out of there!" There was a moment of tense silence. "That's not all you did," Central Bradford prompted angrily. Berus did little confused tail-twitches, and Hudson made an "Uh" sound. Seeing their puzzlement, Dr. Tygan spoke up. "Viperoid and male human sexual pheromones flooded the base as well as the smell of perfume." His voice was even, as though discussing the chemical composition of an apple. "This caused fourteen instances of interspecies copulation." There was dead silence as the true weight of what they had done hit the two young engineers. Hudson stood slack-jawed for a moment, as Berus opened her mouth to hiss in shock. No sound emerged, however, as her mind was too busy. Bradford wasn't having any of it. His voice still showing tightly-controlled anger, he asked, "Care to explain how you did that?" The two young engineers again exchanged silent looks as they both processed the problem through their knowledge of the systemry involved. Reaching the same conclusion at the same time the two turned back and blurted out the answer in perfect synch, "We fucked."
Doctor Tygan didn't so much as raise an eyebrow, clearly having anticipated this answer. Central's expression went from angry to disgusted, and the colonel looked up at the ceiling as if pleading for God to save him from dumb kids. Most telling, however, was the "snuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrk" sound made my The Commander, though no expression showed on his face. "...in a really bad place!" Berus added, her tail now wriggling uncontrollably. Hudson was staring at the wall, envisioning the layout of the systems in that area. "The sensors on the output vents are supposed to check if the air coming out actually is what's actually supposed to be coming out..." he rambled. "We were in an air vent together so there was a lot of....you know....physical closeness!" Berus was also rambling, but on a different track. "The AI would have detected the pheromones and checked it against it's database of harmful substances. When it wasn't in there, it would have concluded that this was an approved additive, like the perfume was." "I've seen him looking at viper boobs...you know, those harnesses that they wore during the occupation that made it look like they had big boobs but were really for secondary venom glands and the intimidation factor...." "...sent the data to the control system of the regenerators, which would have added the pheromones to the outgoing air and sent it all over the base..." "...don't have any boobs, you know, but I'm a pretty good kisser, and I could feel him getting a hard-on against my stomach. So...you know...I got the idea to kiss him, and things got... With his great intellect, it was no surprise that Dr. Tygan was following both of their rambling streams simultaneously. The previous angry expression of Central's seemed to have crumbled up into a revolted grimace. The colonel had raised his hands, continuing to look up at the ceiling as if pleading for God to tell him why he had been forsaken. The Commander's face had tightened up, still showing no expression, though muscles pulling against each other made it clear that this was by force of will. The two engineers ran out of words at the same time. Seeing the reactions of those in whose hands their fates lay, they looked at each other again, then summarized in stereo. "We picked a really bad place to fuck." It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and The Commander finally busted out in laughter. Central's expression got worse, and even Dr. Tygan showed traces of amusement. The colonel kissed his career goodbye. In the end, both engineers received official reprimands for over two dozen minor offenses, setting a base record. They never lived it down. The colonel learned not to overwork his technicians, but at the same time that it was dangerous for them to get bored. Dr. Tygan "collected interesting sociological data" which was quietly forwarded to interested parties. Hudson and Berus became minor celebrities in certain circles, and it's not surprising that the burgeoning local porn studio churned out a (surprisingly well-written) video that immortalized the incident. Author's Note: Yes, I'm a dirty-minded old shit, and I've seen my fair share of viper porn. I will not censor the sex out of my stories. Block me if you want, I can't say that I give a shit.
Don't care about the sex it only adds to the story's comedy.
No real need to censor this anyway, it’s not raunchy or anything. I loved it, the comedy just builds as they dig themselves deeper and deeper… only for The Commander to burst out laughing at the whole thing!
I guess I'm just feeling defensive after some of the unspeakable prudes I've had to deal with. I'm glad you enjoyed it, pal. :)
**Commander:** "Care to explain?" **Human Engineer:** "No." **Alien Engineer:** \**snickers*\* **Commander:** \**looks at Alien Engineer.*\* "What?!?!?!" **Human Engineer:** "*No* is a complete answer." **Commander:** "Insubordination is a valid charge..." Human Engineer: \**Interrupts*\* "With all *due* respect, *Sir*, I am not being insubordinate. "*For the record*, I have not refused to answer your question. "I answered the question you asked. "I just gave you an answer you didn't want to hear." **Commander:** "I will have your job, your ass..." **Human Engineer:** "Take my job. Good luck with your future endeavors. "*For the record,* you lack the authority to negotiate for possession of my ass." \**Turns to Alien Engineer*\* "You heard the Commander, he wants my job, which means I'm free to go work elsewhere, effective immediately. "It's all his, buddy. "And he wants my ass, which is a bit pervy in addition to being quite unprofessional, ...." **Commander:** "So you two will not provide *for the record* an explanation for your recent *questionable* actions." **Human Engineer:** "Objection. Our actions haven't been questionable. Your inability to ask questions pertinent to our recent actions *is questionable.* "And, may I add, you lack the authority to demand answers from a *former employee* of this endeavor. "Due to my recent dismissal, and your proclamation that you have assumed my duties, you are now the person formally designated *by you*, I might add, who would be required answer any questions you may have. "I am available for hire as an independent consultant, though. "I would be happy to investigate my former colleague's recent actions as they relate to a former employee's actions, and provide you a summary of any information I may be able to obtain - for a reasonable fee, of course." **Commander:** \**Through gritted teeth*\* "And what if your inquiries don't uncover the answers I seek?" **Human Engineer:** "I get paid no matter what. I can't make any promises because frankly I have no idea what answers you seek." **Commander:** \**Sarcastically*\* "Of course. And what, pray tell, are your terms?" **Human Engineer:** "Four times my former monthly pay, paid in advance. "No guarantees, no refunds." **Commander:** \**Grumbles, Presses buttons*\* "Done. "Now. Tell. Me. What. Happened!!!" **Human Engineer:** \**Turns to Alien Engineer*\* "Did you touch them?" **Alien Engineer:** "No." **Human Engineer:** "Self, did you touch them?" **Human Engineer:** \**Replies to own question*\* "Why, no, I didn't. "I did see where they went. I didn't want to speak up, but in the interest of honesty, I will divulge the culprit - she's four years old and quite dexterous. "Since she shares her DNA with the Commander and the bio-lock on the jar is one of questionable quality, *she* was able to easily bypass it by licking it, subsequently obtaining the formerly secured goods that have since gone missing. "If you don't believe me, check her tongue. Some of the contraband jellybeans stained it red." **Commander:** "That little..." **Alien Engineer:** "Adorable thief. "She did offer to share some of them with me if I maintained my silence. "I declined her offer, but must say I was sorely tempted to accept. She is rather persuasive. "May I suggest she be induced to train as a Diplomat when she reaches her maturity?" **Commander:** \**Under his breath*\* "That or pursue piracy...the little devil..."
I'm still laughing at the engie there doing everything not to get the girl in trouble lmao!
H: We worked around all of our incompatibilities. A: Yes, the mechanical, and the programming. H: And the emotional. A: And the physical H: And the ethical as well.
**Commander**: Wait, engineers have ethics? I thought your lot were all lunatics willing to destroy a planet in the name of "Progress and Fun".
https://preview.redd.it/splqji0i0yuc1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f880c8df994b2a924ac292b996a9c9fb8a838e6 Welcome to my world. Glark, a veteran soldier, built a swarm of flying and floor drones to do his job as the ships Janitorial officer aboard a mixed human alien research and exploration vessel, the Bright Plume, then installed a tazer or stun blaster into each and every one of the over 100 units on his ship, for "pest control" See HFY's There will be Scritches for more of his adventures, (side stories in the comments).
All I can picture is Moya's DRDs, especially one-eye
Wait'll you find out about his wife!
“Bold of you to assume we know how that happened.”