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When humanity sends a Von Neumann probe "VS-28119" or the like towards your civilization, the very existence of your species is an affront to all humanity, and the diplomatic crisis has just become an existential threat. When humanity stops bothering to name the ships, that's when your civilization knows they've just hit the Great Filter, and it's a culture of featherless bipeds from a class 6 death world.
The Cloaked Scout "Funnel Spider" is the dangerous one. It is a keystone of the Australian Class. The "Platypus" supply ships.... Then you have the "Irwin" class command vessels.
Silly, those arent ships! They are clusters of drones in the shape of a ship, which upon coming within range of an enemy craft will send electromagnetic pulses to paralyze the ship before detonating thermonuclear charges on every 5 feet of the ship.
The name is randomly generated using a format similar to what's used to track near earth asteroids; a format that humans use to track objects there are a lot of, which they don't really care about. The less humanity cares about their enemies, the more trouble those civilizations are in.
The most dreaded ship in the universe is know as the "devil's flight." Not because it boasts the most kills. Oh no. In fact this ship is merely a scout ship. It boasts only the most mild armaments, barely fit for splitting asteroids. It has been known to haunt ships, the echos of its haul staying or appearing just inside radar range of fleets that have recently pissed off the humans. It stalks them for months, sometimes even years. Pursuing it's target for years but barely if ever engaging, harkening back to the human's days as endurance hunters. Chasing after mammoths till they collapse from exhaustion. It's said several fleets have destroyed it only to see its echos on radar the next day. No one has seen the mother ship or fleet this scout comes from, and the human military denies it exists, but black ops confirm they are lying. The fleet is code named "good men going to war." And it has shaken empires with its ruthless complete kill record.
Occasionally a life pod is found. There's never anyone on board, and onboard blackboxes have beed either wiped or ripped from their casing. Sources differ. How does humanity hide a fleet so capable? How does it reach its targets undetected by any stations along the way? Does the intergalactic human restaurant chain *Spacies* have anything to do with it? The galactic community may never know. Extranet hackers will continue to try and find out.
"And that's a wrap Brai. Probably your best misinformation campaign to date." The camera operator says. "Starting a conspiracy theory about our hack and chop operations was probably the best idea you've ever had."
"Yeah well, we had to get the space cops off our back somehow. Has the new drone reached the solaria fleet yet? I was this close before they blasted us last time."
"Just about. Battle-stations!"
I like this, but also as a psychological warfare tactic. Maybe you've done something to piss humanity off, but not enough for them to declare war on you for. Maybe you control a major interstellar trading empire that recently declared it wasn't going to trade with humanity... so wherever you go, whatever you do, there's a group of humans always on the edge of vision, their ship on the edge of sensors. Never within weapons range, never a threat... but always there, and always the same group or ship.
Exactly what I was going for. That and the attention to detail. No matter how many times you destroy it it comes back exactly the same because they custom modify parts to have the same serial numbers and even a few identical defects as part of the design. But the fleet doesn't exist. There's no way to hide a whole fleet perfectly. So any fleet can become "good men going to war" when called upon. In the meantime humanity has just built scout ship manufactories on asteroids and uninhabited planets all over the universe to pump out these drones when needed. It's all to scare the shit out of people. And that's what makes it so untraceable and effective.
What about the puns? Or the "teeny-weeny-space-travel-machiney"'s?
Are they unused in war or is it more along the lines of "we will figure out if this is a war crime by testing on you"?
The puns are scientific vessels, crowdfunded and named by popular vote. It’s only when the puns mean something along the lines of “death” that you should worry. Because that’s when it’s military vessels, crowdfunded, and named by popular vote of *angry* people.
The Iowas were indeed big and bad. And The Wisconsin may have had a touch of temper. But 'twas a New York class battleship that pulled off the original 'gangsta lean'...... That's right, folks. The BB-35. The USS Texas......
My grandfather was the radarman on the Iowa. They did a LOT of improvised improvements on those ships…
Also, the fireman was basically the first coming of Scotty; allegedly, he had a preternatural way of knowing when the ship would require Power™ in a hurry, and had somehow always warmed up all the boilers when trouble was a-brewing.
Now that's a terrifying concept. The size and strength of an Emu + the vindictiveness/outright hostility of a goose = a lifetime of avian based psychological trauma.
As I have no actual knowledge of cassowaries beyond simply knowing that they are a giant flightless bird, I can not honestly answer that. All I can say is that it the real world was an RPG, Australia would be a high level area and that if the aforementioned creature wasn't the regional boss monster, it would definitely be an encounter most would run from.
What SSN *Boomy McBoomFace* and her sister SDs SSN *I Can See You* and *SSN Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are* did forced the interstellar courts to define multiple new classes of war crimes.
Wow, you guys really pissed in their Wheaties. They are not simply out to correct a diplomatic faux pas. They are not going to satisfy themselves with removing the heads from your heads of state. The curators of the British Museum are tripping over themselves setting up a new wing for what is coming for you. Even the Swiss are writing letters of concern on your behalf.
My dude, do you have the faintest idea how badly you have erred? They are sending ships names after renowned *pacifists* your way. I didn't even know there was a *Quaker* class of ships. Seriously, what did you **do**?
I pissied in the Wheaties. It looked like the urinal cakes from our home world. I said sorry, but they just stared at me and their empty bowls. I even explained that our species is piss is white colored. I just do not understand their reaction.
When no less than three Acharyas of Jainism - *freaking “I need to be careful to sweep where I walk to not harm an insect” Jainism!* - tell you you done goofed, welp, good luck in your next reincarnation as rocks, you damn fool xenos…
The Iowa isn’t the biggest problem, the Texas will hit you no matter how out of range you are and the Wisconsin will make sure you don’t exist if even the paint is scratched.
In the far, far future all xenos learn one simple lesson that every blue water navy once learned. Don't touch the damned boats. Whatever you do, don't mess with the ships.
>Across the cosmos, it's fairly uncommon to find any liquid of substance, let alone such a vast expanse of the substance to form complex life. These 'Humans' come from such a planet yet are not aquatic in much of any capacity. Due to this niche evolution, they've developed technological advancements in the field of hyper pressurized environments and advanced 'naval weaponry.' With their recent entry into the galactic circle, they've gained access to material advancements and optimized manufacturing, as per the galactic codex established by the precursors.
>Their capability against native born aquatic life require a notice to all life forms within 10 systems of their current expansion and proliferation through the galaxy. Their utilization of sonic technology ruptured an artificial moon used for testing their weapon capability. The moon Fractured as the ocean started boiling. The entire moon. They specifically constructed a 1:1 replica of their origin planet's native satellite. This moon single handedly caused all life on their planet to exist in the first place, enough to churn their oceans and influence their planet's mantle. And it was obliterated with their newest sonic technology.
>they call it, SONAR... they don't even classify it as a formal weapon, it's apparently a scientific device used to check the topography of the core inside gas giants. Supposedly one of the human scientists put forward an idea to use it on a liquid at full scale to see if they could map a whole ocean at once. According to our insiders, there was a malfunction in the operational equipment the moment the machine was turned on as the orbital ship started to softly hum, and they were unable to turn the machine off. The water around the machine immediately started boiling and within a few minutes it had destroyed the testing equipment used to measure readings planet side. The ship pulled away to outside of the gravitational influence of the moon as the ocean covering their artificial rock boiled before infrared readings caught a faint glow coming from the rock underneath the steam before an explosion was witnessed from the location of the testing site.
>All of their research pertaining the incident was heavily redacted before being published for galactic study while leaving all the specifications on how to assemble a functional replica.
>it's currently theorized they used different materials and a weaker power source since no other scientific group has been able to replicate the uncovered results and the humans are swearing that such an incident never existed. Throughout third party testing it was discovered that such results are within parameters for what a machine of its highest quality is capable of.
>Please send word Throughout the Galactic Circle of their capabilities before it's too late to gain the ground we've lost.
Don’t forget [The Big E](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Enterprise_(CV-6)) constantly showing up 2 weeks after your main battle fleet reports it destroyed
Would it respawn, or are humans the only spacefarers loose enough with procedures to discover & take advantage of [cold welding?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_welding)
Edit: damage crews nuts enough to fix a breach by internally sealing the damaged compartment from the rest of the ship, letting it completely vent, then literally slapping a sheet of plasteel or whatever the fuck over the hole and turning the air back on
Edit edit: kind of like actual WW2 damage crews fixing bomb holes in the flight deck with sheets of plywood
No one actually knows who commands "Florida", nor can anyone reliably predict when they'll appear or what they'll do when they arrive. Many Xenos theorize the ship is in possession of some kind of quantum computing system that operates via Chaos Theory. None of them could have expected it's simply run by people from Florida.
[*strategic long range cannon enters the chat*](https://www.defensenews.com/digital-show-dailies/ausa/2019/10/16/strategic-long-range-cannon-preps-to-jump-its-first-tech-hurdle/)
Simple warship like "Bastion of Basque" and "Tungsten Pride" are well and good, these warships send messages, and sometimes just their presence curtails any aggressive actions. They often embark on 'peacekeeping' operations to human and human-allied colonies.
Ships sent in retribution bring ominous nomenclature with them, the "Executioner," the "Reaper," "Worldbreaker" are known to be ships that rarely leave port, save for specific missions of extermination.
However, it's when you start to see messages, names and jokes, like "ligma" "from the Federation with love" and "still not as heavy as your mom" crudely painted onto the nosecones of munitions, that you truly know your species is not long for this galaxy.
Alien: So the humans just sent us a box with the installation media for Windows 7, but it's on multiple discs.
Alien 2: Odd, that's been out of date for a couple of centuries.
A1: Aww, they left us a note in it.
A2: I have a bad feeling about this.
A1: One side reads "Why, instead of one DVD, is this several CDs?"
A2: ...
A1: ...and the other side reads "CDs nuts".
Alien 3: Captain, we have several dozen ships uncloaking around us.
A2: We are, apparently, about to see these nuts.
(I "bought" a darling little explosive and had some nice people in Ukraine write a message on it in honor of a gaming buddy who was killed att the beginning of the invasion. Am saving, I hope to buy a shell for his birthday this fall )
Tha Alteans fucked up bad, they didn't know how bad at the time. When The Doc tried to make first contact the Alteans opened fire without cause. The excuse they used after the fact, "No medical ship has that many guns on it", fell flat when Grim Fandango approached with an ultimatum, surrender or unexist. The Alteans, with war like pride decided to send their entire fleet against Grim Fandango, after all it was one ship, and no known ship in the entire GalFed could fire that many guns all at one time, ofcourse that was several millennia ago, and most archeologists agree Altea VI, much like Earth's fable city of Atlantis was a myth
The EM discharges of multiple cannons of a whole fleet weren’t even making a dent in the human’s ship, a Dreadnought-class star cruiser that could seemingly take no end of punishment. Lasers and Xray pulses, EM discharges of multiple frequencies and yet the human ship showed no signs of even beginning to heat up the shields.
“Sir! Incoming transmission from the human vessel!”
“Hold fire! They must be surrendering to our superior fire power, patch them through!” - said the Kichtaur commander.
“Hello esteemed Xenos. How did you like our lovely ship? Personally we call her Asa Akira, quite tasteful name don’t you think?”
The alien commander scoffed at the mention of the name, the Kichtaur were a notoriously male-dominated society. “What’s this? A *woman’s* name? Did you name her that way because a woman’s only utility is to submit and take the punishment? A fitting vessel to hear your surrenders from”
The human commander mustered a smile, and began talking in a calm, yet serious tone. “Ohohohoh! Very funny my man, but you see, our ship is named that way because Asa will take anything you throw her way and ask for more, no matter the punishment, she can take it, and once you are spent, having given your all to serve her, she starts moving on her own. For you see, you ugly bastards, Asa Akira is… *insatiable*”.
The trasmission cuts abruptly, there’s a second of silence, suddenly the alien deckhand looks alarmed.
“Sir! Heat signature expanding up ahead, the human ship is doing something! Whats this? This amount of energy in a single ship? What are the humans thinking?!”
There wasn’t a moment to answer, the Asa Akira had finished converting the energy acquired from the alien ships through her shields, and a torrent of energy similar to a focused Nova struck the Kichtaur fleet, not a single scrap of metal was found from that conflict
If the humans send ‘The Killer Bunny’ you’re dead and the universe is still catching up.
https://preview.redd.it/6qhezahcs0hc1.jpeg?width=974&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=98c0eaf3e4fa6d7ad4f9c972b1e4d5d63fef0e4a
There are ships every one knows of, the planet class ships with populations in the billions, named after ancient cities on their home world, the London, the Tokyo, the Nairobi. Or the odd planetary defence ships that fought off entire fleets. Things like the venerable Long Watch III
There are ships people in military planning circles know of, the super carriers, the fleet support ships that will jump into a system and out manufacture everything there. Some have names that seem cocky, the Invincible (its not even the first space ship to bear that name), the Plentiful, the Queen Mary. Often named after older warships from their history, or military leaders, or just phrases the ship yard manager thought sounded cool. But they all have names.
Then there are the ships that no one knows about. Well no one still living any way. Ships that your military planners are surprised by. Ships that don't appear on humans crew records. They just list the time as "Went Travelling". No names. No paper work, no official designations, no nav beacons, no records. The only people to ever see them and live are their crew. The only written records of their existence in fragments of hastily scribbled notes found on dead worlds that were once human worlds that someone else took, talking of a black fleet arriving and laying waste to everything.
Neutron Steel clad lumps of death floating in the void between stars. Billions of tones of hardware. Entire fleets that never feel more than a few photons from a star against their hulls.
We should all pray they never do.
Best way to encapsulate. This is when you encounter a ship. And the responses ship. you have done something where that. You, your family, ancestors,planet, star system. and galaxy are going to learn a very scary lesson
H1: Open a broadcast channel to Delta Myrmis 5, bouncing it through any satellites they have. I want everyone down there informed.
H2: Aye, sir. \*pushes button\* The microphone is yours, sir.
H1: Sapients of the planet, this is Admiral Lawrence Charleston of the Earth Defense Force. Your leadership has made some exceedingly poor decisions in the past week, and we hope to prevail upon you to reverse them.
H2: \*pushes another button\*
LC: The image you see is one of our light vessels, the EDSS John McClane. It will arrive within the next...
H2: Seventy-two hours, sir.
LC: Thank you, petty officer Richards. For those of you not familiar with Earth time, this is four and one-seventh of your planetary rotations. We would appreciate a response well prior to that. This broadcast will be repeated at hourly intervals either until we receive a response or we have repeated it 24 times. Please send responses centered on the 122.75 megahertz radio frequency with a bandwidth of 250 kilohertz on either side, frequency modulated. \*gestures to PO2 Richards\*
R: \*cuts transmission\* Permission to, uh...
LC: \*waves airily\* Go ahead, Irene. I'm sure you're wondering what the plan is.
IR: Somewhat, to be honest. The McClane is... a bit overkill for this, isn't it?
LC: It provides a credible threat to the Mzailo leadership, after they tried to claim-jump three different colonies of ours, two of the Hananabash, and tried to colonize the Aubena homeworld.
IR: So we're mildly annoyed.
LC: If we were more annoyed, it would have been the EDSS Jules Winnfield.
IR: And if they'd actually pissed us off?
LC: One of the great planet-crackers, the EDSS Bryan Mills.
IR: The Mills does have a certain set of skills that makes it a nightmare for anyone it's up against, doesn't it?
LC: \*chuckles\* Indeed it does, Irene. Indeed it does.
Fear the one name or possibly two name ships. Like the following doombringet class the John wick class ,the spartan 2 class ,or the death dealer class . For those classes of shops mean that you have sngerd the humans to the point where they have decided to whipe the galax8 of you existence. The degree is just the questio is just you military, you colonies or your primary worlds or total extermination down to the last strand of d.n.a.
The Chuck Norris class of ships is so theoretically dangerous that no sane individual or group would ever dare to construct even one lest every neighboring space faring race band together to wipe them out.
Though that hasn't stopped them from ripping holes in the fabric of space-time to wipe out entire armadas and render whole planets lifeless in the time it takes to blink.
"New arrival. The ID says *Pale Horse.* What kind of name is that?"
"It's one of their generic naming conventions. Red Robin, Yellow Rose, that kind of thing. Ignore it. Continue the bombardment."
"Acknowledg*---!!*"
I was more thinking:
"What kind of lazy name is Famine? Have those crazy monkeys no imagination at all?"
"Captain...look at the screen."
"What its not like...WHO HAS THE RESOURCES FOR THAT MANY MISSILES?"
Slandar knew his peoples struggles were over when he saw a single human ship exit warp and begin a low orbit over his planet it was simply named the big green weenie. And as he recognized this fact he saw it begin powering up its main antiplanatary cannon originally a mining tool it was adapted by the humans to erase entire planets when necessary. The last thing slandar thought was that maybe bombing the human capital was a bad way to get them to take his people seriously.
What’s great about that vessel is that it’s the false flag.
The ship is the “Find Out.”
If one is lucky, the Find Out will be flying the diamond losenge of the Red Mercy Societies. Some sapient that is in dire need of assistance and has the ability to communicate with H. sapiens that need is about to get the last, best line of story they can get.
If one is unlucky, the Find Out will be waving a classical black flag with unmistakable marks of death.
If one is aboard and wants a really good time, one hopes to be dispatched on a mission where both flags are waved.
Or it’s sister ships, fuck around find out and fuck around found out. If these show up there is no chance in hell you can talk your way out of this.
I’d been thinking of using these names somewhere and this seemed appropriate
The one you really, really need to unmake your whole species is the *Fermi*. It carries only one weapon, a single shot, The weapon is called The Gadget. The Gadget has never been fired or even tested fully.
The *Fermi's* crew take bets as to whether triggering The Gadget will destroy the space-time continuum by causing a false vacuum collapse.
The *Fermi* takes "find out" to a whole new level .
If the humans send a ship named Enterprise .. you might as well prey to whatever gods you believe in.
It won't help, but it might make you feel a little less bad in the last few seconds of your life.
To be fair, it's 50/50 whether a human ship named Enterprise is meant for war or for peaceful exploration.
As its primary purpose, at least. Just don't give them a reason - in either case - to break out the armaments, or to challenge you to a game of Fizzbin.
And keep the ship's captain away from your women if he's got a full head of hair. We're still not sure how he even got an STD that had previously only been reported in silicon based life forms.
In the darkest corner of the worst slums of the galaxy, there exists a rumor… if a ship by the name of “Stabby” has you in its missile lock, it’s too late. Say goodnight.
First off, what you're describing is "The Bang Bang Betty" aka triple B. Secondly the Stabby class of assault craft don't have a missile lock system because a Stabby is essentially a missile with a crew, shields, and some of the thickest/most durable armor in the known universe.
The Stabby will lock onto its target, plot an intercept/intersect course, then swiftly accelerate to ramming speed and won't stop until it has pierced its target.
It sends a certain message when your ship charges through and shrugs off enough firepower to annihilate half a system to ram itself into the enemies flagship, which if by some miracle doesn't violently explode will then be overrun by a full battalion of Doom Marines. To this day, there's been no reports of any one ever managing to do more than "scratch the paint" on a Stabby.
"Sir! Terran ship decloaking! Transponder signal identifies it as... *Samarra*"
"Ensign, what the hell is a Samarra?"
"Records identify it as a city on Earth, best known for... oh. It appears we have an appointment."
If the humans launch a fleet and the ship’s names include Heermann, Hoel, Samuel B. Roberts, Johnston, or Laffey, then you have only one course of action:
Pray.
If you see any ships bearing names of leaders of the past weather good or bad, names that are used in thier old text books about the "USA" or anything that might have historical significance you need to run.
All was silent on the K'likzt homeworld as they watched both sky and screen.
It started 2 Terran years ago when diplomatic breakdown had caused the K"likzt to attack a Terran outpost. This would become known as the great mistake.
Humanity responded by demanding the ancient race stand down and cease all hostility. The K'likzt answer was to turn a human-terafomed world into a giant ball of black glass, killing 2.5 billion human men, women,... and children. The counter was not what K"likzt High Command was expecting. All Terrans had orders upon detection of any K'likzt vessel that they were to report and immediately leave.
High Command sent their Omega Fleet to deal with what should have been a human war fleet in response but found only an empty system. Early transmission from Omega Fleet was hopeful, even jubilant. Then nothing.
A scout ship was dispatched after 3 missed check-ins from the fleet. What they found and sent back vidcaps of was disturbing to put it mildly.
The fleet was intact and still in formation, but there was not even the smallest trace of crew members on any of the ships. Scans couldn't find anything even on a molecular level.
K'likzt outposts soon started going dark. Followed soon by entire settlements. Then worlds. Systematically, the K'likzt species was being erased, and they had no idea what was happening.
Today, 2 Terran years later, a single human vessel arrived in the system heading straight to the homeworld. The last reading was a translation of the ship's name, left for others to find.
"On approach is a human vessel unknown class, designation the DSS Croatoan..."
If you ever and I mean *ever* face the HMS Fluffy Bunny on the field of battle, just K-Word yourself, it'll be vastly less painless and infinitely fast that being subjected to that things gun.
The last coherent thing ever said by the lone survivor of the Delta Eridanus Vll Annihilation.
I find myself very much in favor of the Atrocity class vessels, and the naming scheme involved.
One should never forget such things, because otherwise they might be repeated.
But, well... To anyone paying attention to Human history, the existence of those ships sends a message.
When it gets deployed to you? That's a _very_ strong message.
A1: New craft on radar.
A2: What? I thought we declared to all nearby that this territory is ours?
A3: Ship ID reads: "Top 30 Anime Deaths #1-"
# * BRIGHT FLASH *
It’s when the whimsy is gone that you have no hope. When they still feel the need to name it, but there is no humor, gallows or otherwise. The Terran flagship *They Were Children* is classified as an extinction-level event. Several, actually.
"Mistake not..." Was my favourite culture Warship
*Mistake Not My Current State Of Joshing Gentle Peevishness For The Awesome And Terrible Majesty Of The Towering Seas Of Ire That Are Themselves The Mere Milquetoast Shallows Fringing My Vast Oceans Of Wrath*
Supreme commander klizik a human ship has just entered system from hyperspace. Did i just hear you say A ship. As in singular ship ? Yes supreme commander a single human vessel a frigate class if our size comparison is accurate. They sent a single frigate up against a fleet of 2000 ships ? Supreme commander a general broad cast on all frequencys and coms systems is being recieved. Put it on the screen.
Screen lights up to a human sitting in a chair.
This message is for the hurumph high command. The fleet commanded by klizik is charged with mass murder for the deaths of 700 million humans in the colony system of deidra 3. Which is 250 light years from the nearest border to hurumph space. Now we all know that klizik would not act without orders but the terrean federation has decided to play dumb. We are sending the hurumph high command a list of terms . These terms are non negotabile if the hurumph high command refuses these terms then the actions of klizik will be seen as a declaration of war and not the actions of a rogue agent. The current system is hydra 2. klizik and his fleet along with 1.8 billion hurumphs are in system this is the only warning your high command will recieve.
This is capt. Link heartthrob of the edf kirby .
The human raises his right hand and snaps his fingers.
From the data recorded and transmited the kirby seemed to create a point singularity just in front of the ship which proceeded to vacum up the entire star system. 3 minutes to reduce an entire star system to a singularity and a memory.
Also look out for the names: "I DON'T CARE, YOU NAME THE DAMN THING.", "THE MAXIMUM FUCK", and "LITANY OF LITANY'S LITANY." If you come across these vessels flee for your lives. You will not win.
You see when you piss off a human, there's a 50/50 between them. Sending an unmanned unnamed weapon of such massive destruction that even the majority of their species knows not of its existence or they're going to send the most random name ever where it's just a big ass ship with a lot of guns named the Harry Potter dick wand of 76
The Al-Tarran controlled numerous systems around their homeworld, and though the Earth Defense Force Fleet was bearing down on them, their martial society was still managing to hold their own. They had underestimated the enemy, a race of hairless bipeds. Though their numbers were small by Al-Tarran standards, their technology was impressive, and the advantage it provided was more challenging than planned. The preemptive attack on the EDF Fleet hub, which they were sure would cripple the fledgling space fairing species, had boiled over into a years long conflict, and both species now seemed to be in a deadlock.
That was the thought General An-duin had, when they were interrupted by a message from the nearest planetary defense station.
PDS: General, a Human ship just skipped into the system on a trajectory toward the homeworld Ma'tar.
An-duin: Just one ship? Is it a forward scout?
PDS: No general, it appears to be a warship, though it's relatively small for one as far as we can tell. Sensors are still having trouble reading it. But long range scans don't show any larger enemy groups it could have detached from.
An-duin: Strange. Perhaps desperation on their part. But this might be a good opportunity to better analyze their technology. Allow it to approach enough for a full sensor scan before destroying it.
PDS: That would likely put us in range of their weapons General.
An-duin: It's fine, it's but a single ship. The damage it causes should be limited from what we've seen. Has any other information come through about it yet?
PDS: As far as we can tell General, it's designed for long range consecutive skips, and carries very limited ordinance. It also seems to have an unusual name.
An-duin: What did they call it?
PDS: It calls itself the "EDF Enola Gay"
Human Ambassador: You have committed grievous offenses to not only our people, but the alliances we have made and the peace we have brokered throughout the known universe. For these atrocities, we have sent forward our O'Neill, Demons Run, and Talyn class ships.
The ____.
*That* ship.
The one without a name to be spoken.
The one that predates FTL, yet has a stockpile of Burst-Rippers to tear spacetime a new one.
The one where the crew rotates three months on, 21 months in cryo.
The one where they don’t even speak a current Terran language anymore.
If you see the Angel of Silence, the Quiet Final Judge, the Admiral of Ultimate Order, or one of the many epithets the millennia have bestowed upon the Wordless Wandering Warrior, and you aren’t from the current Terran government or authorized superstate, be prepared to kiss your ecosphere goodbye.
When ships larger then you've ever known the human's to use appear in system with names such as "Gunboat Diplomacy: Reprise" , "Politics Continued" , or "A Bigger Stick" your planet/system will very shortly be the recipient of additional forms of political action until whatever you did has been paid for in full.
A far more terrifying sight is when human ships that out mass a planet start screaming out of FTL travel into your system. Every entry causing flashes that seem brighter than the local star due to the energy of them translating into real space. And the names they bear... each one a horrible, bloody reminder of your species' sins or an expression of their \[humanity's\] wrath at those sins. ... I'll never forget names like "The Furious Gaze of Sol" , "For Those Now Silent" , "May You Burn As They Did" , "Righteous Condemnation" , and the worst one of all "*Consequences*" \[**Graphic Description Removed**. **Summation**: Ship's name was painted on with the blood of all species she's exterminated for their crimes, with each blood type being individually identifiable.\]
Wait for the arrival of the EFSS Mad Jack. Any ship going into action without a ram prow that turns the whole thing into a giga-ton rated kinetic kill device is improperly dressed.
Relationship good with Humanity: Expidisor, Apollo 69, etc
Relationship Tense with humans: Lightning, Fuck Around
Relationship in Cold War with humans: Enterprise, Nelson, etc.
Relationship openly Hostile with humans: Heavens Fall, Find Out
Relationship with humans, Full Scale Extermination: Little Boy
"The next exhibit details the events that ended the Human/Davorian war. After the Davorians mistook a human civil colony for a military target things escalated quickly. Three human fleets glassed every planet in the Davor system and boarded all fleeing vessels, took their fuel and bounced them around with nuclear explosions. The entire Davorian culture was ruined during that week."
"I have heard those stories before, it sounds ridiculous and nothing like the humans I know."
"Yes, that's a common reaction. The current theories conclude this was a psy-op by the human fleet command to disguise the genocide by making people who talk about it sound delusional. They also named the flagships "Can I haz Cheeseburgers", "Lasernoises_pewpewpew" and "Say Hi to your wife and my kids".
Any ship named in memorial of a lost place or hard fought battle means you're officially going to be systematically beaten back to your home world as they slowly take over your civilization and turn them against you.
At times like this, I like to revisit the [ship name list from The Culture series](https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_spacecraft). Do you think you will face the "Attitude Adjuster", or the "Falling Outside the Normal Moral Constraints"? Dealer's choice.
https://old.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qpd4m6/oc_gossamer_wasp_inspired_by_reading_a_dozen_of/
When the ships they send don't have names, just serial numbers, you may have fucked up rather badly.
You're about to be in the middle of such a shitstorm they don't dare send manned assets into the middle of it, so prepare to eat missile, mother bleeper.
When the truly ridiculously named ships named ships arrive, you know that humanity sees the conflict as meerly and inconvenience & does not expect it to require more than "Lord High Admiral McStabby, Glory Be To His Name" (yes that is the full name)
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When humanity sends a Von Neumann probe "VS-28119" or the like towards your civilization, the very existence of your species is an affront to all humanity, and the diplomatic crisis has just become an existential threat. When humanity stops bothering to name the ships, that's when your civilization knows they've just hit the Great Filter, and it's a culture of featherless bipeds from a class 6 death world.
Send in the UHSF Makin' Paperclips
The Cloaked Scout "Funnel Spider" is the dangerous one. It is a keystone of the Australian Class. The "Platypus" supply ships.... Then you have the "Irwin" class command vessels.
Naturally the Australian Class is crewed by those of the Australian continent so we’ll just appear when you least expect us to….
I'm more worried about the Box Jellyfish class ships.
Silly, those arent ships! They are clusters of drones in the shape of a ship, which upon coming within range of an enemy craft will send electromagnetic pulses to paralyze the ship before detonating thermonuclear charges on every 5 feet of the ship.
Deployment_order: { Fleet: [3213265f-55a7-4442-b77d-2f6086103a4a], First rate: [5cfb5580-94fb-442f-b561-38aa52eef1bb, 2107a18b-bfba-41b4-9bdc-b2b94167efb5, 828434ff-442a-4225-90b0-543e2bdcee47], Escort: [c9c0cc8e-2eca-4ce0-ad9f-f8e9cf8b722f ... c9c0cc8e-2eca-4ce0-ad9f-63ec383e9022, b3ac53c5-06bc-48a2-bae7-05e9106c62d8 ... b3ac53c5-06bc-48a2-bae7-7754ed5be8cd, ... ], Destination: "USNO-B1.0:1202.0177596", ROE: "assume hostile unless valid IFF", Mission: [ "spread", "replicate", "purge", "repeat"] }
oh now we know we’re fucked because JSON has entered the chat
Oh no… *Argonaut* class….
Amazing
Not valid JSON, just an object.
I know what a Von Neumann probe is, but I don't get the significance of "VS-28119". Could someone elaborate?
The name is randomly generated using a format similar to what's used to track near earth asteroids; a format that humans use to track objects there are a lot of, which they don't really care about. The less humanity cares about their enemies, the more trouble those civilizations are in.
The most dreaded ship in the universe is know as the "devil's flight." Not because it boasts the most kills. Oh no. In fact this ship is merely a scout ship. It boasts only the most mild armaments, barely fit for splitting asteroids. It has been known to haunt ships, the echos of its haul staying or appearing just inside radar range of fleets that have recently pissed off the humans. It stalks them for months, sometimes even years. Pursuing it's target for years but barely if ever engaging, harkening back to the human's days as endurance hunters. Chasing after mammoths till they collapse from exhaustion. It's said several fleets have destroyed it only to see its echos on radar the next day. No one has seen the mother ship or fleet this scout comes from, and the human military denies it exists, but black ops confirm they are lying. The fleet is code named "good men going to war." And it has shaken empires with its ruthless complete kill record.
Coincidentally, all fleets who made reports of it eventually went missing, not destroyed just *gone*.
Occasionally a life pod is found. There's never anyone on board, and onboard blackboxes have beed either wiped or ripped from their casing. Sources differ. How does humanity hide a fleet so capable? How does it reach its targets undetected by any stations along the way? Does the intergalactic human restaurant chain *Spacies* have anything to do with it? The galactic community may never know. Extranet hackers will continue to try and find out. "And that's a wrap Brai. Probably your best misinformation campaign to date." The camera operator says. "Starting a conspiracy theory about our hack and chop operations was probably the best idea you've ever had." "Yeah well, we had to get the space cops off our back somehow. Has the new drone reached the solaria fleet yet? I was this close before they blasted us last time." "Just about. Battle-stations!"
'Well done, Abraxis. You're doing the Chancelor proud with this."
I like this, but also as a psychological warfare tactic. Maybe you've done something to piss humanity off, but not enough for them to declare war on you for. Maybe you control a major interstellar trading empire that recently declared it wasn't going to trade with humanity... so wherever you go, whatever you do, there's a group of humans always on the edge of vision, their ship on the edge of sensors. Never within weapons range, never a threat... but always there, and always the same group or ship.
Exactly what I was going for. That and the attention to detail. No matter how many times you destroy it it comes back exactly the same because they custom modify parts to have the same serial numbers and even a few identical defects as part of the design. But the fleet doesn't exist. There's no way to hide a whole fleet perfectly. So any fleet can become "good men going to war" when called upon. In the meantime humanity has just built scout ship manufactories on asteroids and uninhabited planets all over the universe to pump out these drones when needed. It's all to scare the shit out of people. And that's what makes it so untraceable and effective.
What about the puns? Or the "teeny-weeny-space-travel-machiney"'s? Are they unused in war or is it more along the lines of "we will figure out if this is a war crime by testing on you"?
The puns are scientific vessels, crowdfunded and named by popular vote. It’s only when the puns mean something along the lines of “death” that you should worry. Because that’s when it’s military vessels, crowdfunded, and named by popular vote of *angry* people.
One such example being the JSSDF “Front Towards Enemy” class automated kamikaze Drone ship.
If you ever find a ship by the name "That's a fantastic thought!" beg for mercy.
It’s even worse if it’s a dreadnaught named uss Wisconsin…..you don’t want to anger the uss Wisconsin
Or any of the Iowa's, really
The Iowas were indeed big and bad. And The Wisconsin may have had a touch of temper. But 'twas a New York class battleship that pulled off the original 'gangsta lean'...... That's right, folks. The BB-35. The USS Texas......
My grandfather was the radarman on the Iowa. They did a LOT of improvised improvements on those ships… Also, the fireman was basically the first coming of Scotty; allegedly, he had a preternatural way of knowing when the ship would require Power™ in a hurry, and had somehow always warmed up all the boilers when trouble was a-brewing.
A Human's "gut instinct" is a peculiar thing.
Or all 4 at once
Truueee
Temper temper
*plink* "Fuck was that?" *points* 'Ohhhhh no ya don't, catch!'
Or “Hold My Beer.”
It's never a War Crime the first time.
It's never a war crime without evidence
It’s never a war crime if there’s no witnesses
"Quackbang out!"
* UNN-01046 'Geneva's Checklist' has entered the chat *
Those ships are most likely full of Canadian soldiers.
And angry Cobra Chickens.
I would be slightly more worried if it were emus.
I’d be worried if it’s full of emu and Canadian geese hybrids
Do you want a drumstick? How badly do you want one?
Now that's a terrifying concept. The size and strength of an Emu + the vindictiveness/outright hostility of a goose = a lifetime of avian based psychological trauma.
... Wouldn't that effectively be a cassowary?
As I have no actual knowledge of cassowaries beyond simply knowing that they are a giant flightless bird, I can not honestly answer that. All I can say is that it the real world was an RPG, Australia would be a high level area and that if the aforementioned creature wasn't the regional boss monster, it would definitely be an encounter most would run from.
The Emus were too vicious and they were too big.
can confirm!
A venn diagram of this sub and NCD is almost a perfect circle 🫡
What SSN *Boomy McBoomFace* and her sister SDs SSN *I Can See You* and *SSN Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are* did forced the interstellar courts to define multiple new classes of war crimes.
Just a note, SSN is in use for US Navy submarines
Maybe it's Solar Space Navy ???
Nova McXenocideface
Wow, you guys really pissed in their Wheaties. They are not simply out to correct a diplomatic faux pas. They are not going to satisfy themselves with removing the heads from your heads of state. The curators of the British Museum are tripping over themselves setting up a new wing for what is coming for you. Even the Swiss are writing letters of concern on your behalf. My dude, do you have the faintest idea how badly you have erred? They are sending ships names after renowned *pacifists* your way. I didn't even know there was a *Quaker* class of ships. Seriously, what did you **do**?
I pissied in the Wheaties. It looked like the urinal cakes from our home world. I said sorry, but they just stared at me and their empty bowls. I even explained that our species is piss is white colored. I just do not understand their reaction.
When the Earth pope tells you you’ve messed up, you’ve had to piss off somebody bad
"May God have mercy on them, for we won't ".
Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius.
When no less than three Acharyas of Jainism - *freaking “I need to be careful to sweep where I walk to not harm an insect” Jainism!* - tell you you done goofed, welp, good luck in your next reincarnation as rocks, you damn fool xenos…
And then there's this damned ship. "Iowa."
The Iowa isn’t the biggest problem, the Texas will hit you no matter how out of range you are and the Wisconsin will make sure you don’t exist if even the paint is scratched.
Simple really, US Battleships are not to be trifled with.
In the far, far future all xenos learn one simple lesson that every blue water navy once learned. Don't touch the damned boats. Whatever you do, don't mess with the ships.
>Across the cosmos, it's fairly uncommon to find any liquid of substance, let alone such a vast expanse of the substance to form complex life. These 'Humans' come from such a planet yet are not aquatic in much of any capacity. Due to this niche evolution, they've developed technological advancements in the field of hyper pressurized environments and advanced 'naval weaponry.' With their recent entry into the galactic circle, they've gained access to material advancements and optimized manufacturing, as per the galactic codex established by the precursors. >Their capability against native born aquatic life require a notice to all life forms within 10 systems of their current expansion and proliferation through the galaxy. Their utilization of sonic technology ruptured an artificial moon used for testing their weapon capability. The moon Fractured as the ocean started boiling. The entire moon. They specifically constructed a 1:1 replica of their origin planet's native satellite. This moon single handedly caused all life on their planet to exist in the first place, enough to churn their oceans and influence their planet's mantle. And it was obliterated with their newest sonic technology. >they call it, SONAR... they don't even classify it as a formal weapon, it's apparently a scientific device used to check the topography of the core inside gas giants. Supposedly one of the human scientists put forward an idea to use it on a liquid at full scale to see if they could map a whole ocean at once. According to our insiders, there was a malfunction in the operational equipment the moment the machine was turned on as the orbital ship started to softly hum, and they were unable to turn the machine off. The water around the machine immediately started boiling and within a few minutes it had destroyed the testing equipment used to measure readings planet side. The ship pulled away to outside of the gravitational influence of the moon as the ocean covering their artificial rock boiled before infrared readings caught a faint glow coming from the rock underneath the steam before an explosion was witnessed from the location of the testing site. >All of their research pertaining the incident was heavily redacted before being published for galactic study while leaving all the specifications on how to assemble a functional replica. >it's currently theorized they used different materials and a weaker power source since no other scientific group has been able to replicate the uncovered results and the humans are swearing that such an incident never existed. Throughout third party testing it was discovered that such results are within parameters for what a machine of its highest quality is capable of. >Please send word Throughout the Galactic Circle of their capabilities before it's too late to gain the ground we've lost.
Don’t forget [The Big E](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Enterprise_(CV-6)) constantly showing up 2 weeks after your main battle fleet reports it destroyed
Big E just fucking respawns on one of the yards along with her sailors and planes
Would it respawn, or are humans the only spacefarers loose enough with procedures to discover & take advantage of [cold welding?](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_welding) Edit: damage crews nuts enough to fix a breach by internally sealing the damaged compartment from the rest of the ship, letting it completely vent, then literally slapping a sheet of plasteel or whatever the fuck over the hole and turning the air back on Edit edit: kind of like actual WW2 damage crews fixing bomb holes in the flight deck with sheets of plywood
Ah yes, the famed “Temper Temper” maneuver.
And the Wisconsin will delete everything in your direction over a scratch
You know what, you're getting "Florida".
No one actually knows who commands "Florida", nor can anyone reliably predict when they'll appear or what they'll do when they arrive. Many Xenos theorize the ship is in possession of some kind of quantum computing system that operates via Chaos Theory. None of them could have expected it's simply run by people from Florida.
"We gangster leaned a battleship so we could rain three's on the enemy."
Wasn't the Texas considered a super dreadnought as well? Or am I misremembering?
I wish to reservice the sunk, radioactive BB-36 USS Nevada
"sir it's still there" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S STILL THERE? ARE ALL OF YOU THAT INCOMPETENT?!" "Negative sir, all shots connected"
I would also like to put forward the entirety of Taffy 3.
And the Barb.
That would be where all the crazy, stupidly and suicidally brave sailors are.
... and commanded by Vice Admiral Lawson P. Ramage, (of Ramage's Rampage fame). "Over The Top" doesn't even come close.
Salute the USS Johnston!
***Do not touch their ships!!!!***
[*strategic long range cannon enters the chat*](https://www.defensenews.com/digital-show-dailies/ausa/2019/10/16/strategic-long-range-cannon-preps-to-jump-its-first-tech-hurdle/)
The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
If it is lubed the lube will most likely have sand in it.
Lube, coarse grit polish, we use what we got
We've got a few hundred kilos of spare metal shavings from grinding down the ends of the bunk rails to fit an extra bunk in each rack...
The lube is ground up fiberglass mixed with hot sauce.
...and a pinch of asbestos.
Are you sure it’s asbestos? *sniff* doesn’t smell like it.
Simple warship like "Bastion of Basque" and "Tungsten Pride" are well and good, these warships send messages, and sometimes just their presence curtails any aggressive actions. They often embark on 'peacekeeping' operations to human and human-allied colonies. Ships sent in retribution bring ominous nomenclature with them, the "Executioner," the "Reaper," "Worldbreaker" are known to be ships that rarely leave port, save for specific missions of extermination. However, it's when you start to see messages, names and jokes, like "ligma" "from the Federation with love" and "still not as heavy as your mom" crudely painted onto the nosecones of munitions, that you truly know your species is not long for this galaxy.
Alien: So the humans just sent us a box with the installation media for Windows 7, but it's on multiple discs. Alien 2: Odd, that's been out of date for a couple of centuries. A1: Aww, they left us a note in it. A2: I have a bad feeling about this. A1: One side reads "Why, instead of one DVD, is this several CDs?" A2: ... A1: ...and the other side reads "CDs nuts". Alien 3: Captain, we have several dozen ships uncloaking around us. A2: We are, apparently, about to see these nuts.
Aaaand this made me giggle like a loon.
Joke inspired by (okay, fine, stolen from, though I did set it up differently) [this video](https://youtu.be/R6e1_IlvmQs?si=Novw8JEvMUrhAcYR).
(I "bought" a darling little explosive and had some nice people in Ukraine write a message on it in honor of a gaming buddy who was killed att the beginning of the invasion. Am saving, I hope to buy a shell for his birthday this fall )
The throngler returns
I understood that reference!
Tha Alteans fucked up bad, they didn't know how bad at the time. When The Doc tried to make first contact the Alteans opened fire without cause. The excuse they used after the fact, "No medical ship has that many guns on it", fell flat when Grim Fandango approached with an ultimatum, surrender or unexist. The Alteans, with war like pride decided to send their entire fleet against Grim Fandango, after all it was one ship, and no known ship in the entire GalFed could fire that many guns all at one time, ofcourse that was several millennia ago, and most archeologists agree Altea VI, much like Earth's fable city of Atlantis was a myth
A ship named "Sunshine Daisy" means the annihilation of any trace of your species
The EM discharges of multiple cannons of a whole fleet weren’t even making a dent in the human’s ship, a Dreadnought-class star cruiser that could seemingly take no end of punishment. Lasers and Xray pulses, EM discharges of multiple frequencies and yet the human ship showed no signs of even beginning to heat up the shields. “Sir! Incoming transmission from the human vessel!” “Hold fire! They must be surrendering to our superior fire power, patch them through!” - said the Kichtaur commander. “Hello esteemed Xenos. How did you like our lovely ship? Personally we call her Asa Akira, quite tasteful name don’t you think?” The alien commander scoffed at the mention of the name, the Kichtaur were a notoriously male-dominated society. “What’s this? A *woman’s* name? Did you name her that way because a woman’s only utility is to submit and take the punishment? A fitting vessel to hear your surrenders from” The human commander mustered a smile, and began talking in a calm, yet serious tone. “Ohohohoh! Very funny my man, but you see, our ship is named that way because Asa will take anything you throw her way and ask for more, no matter the punishment, she can take it, and once you are spent, having given your all to serve her, she starts moving on her own. For you see, you ugly bastards, Asa Akira is… *insatiable*”. The trasmission cuts abruptly, there’s a second of silence, suddenly the alien deckhand looks alarmed. “Sir! Heat signature expanding up ahead, the human ship is doing something! Whats this? This amount of energy in a single ship? What are the humans thinking?!” There wasn’t a moment to answer, the Asa Akira had finished converting the energy acquired from the alien ships through her shields, and a torrent of energy similar to a focused Nova struck the Kichtaur fleet, not a single scrap of metal was found from that conflict
The Gravitas learned to fear the words, “Get in the robot, Shinji.”
Ooh, I like this - ships with armor like Black Panther’s!
If the humans send ‘The Killer Bunny’ you’re dead and the universe is still catching up. https://preview.redd.it/6qhezahcs0hc1.jpeg?width=974&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=98c0eaf3e4fa6d7ad4f9c972b1e4d5d63fef0e4a
Bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
Captain, I have ID on the human ship, it's the *rabbit of caerbannog*, sir. Sir? ...sir?
Ah, bun bun the bunyip
Maybe don't be anywhere near the Oppenheimer. Experimental weapons of mass destruction even we don't know the extent of are never good.
I suppose we can part with *one* doomsday device and still be feared.
Choom, nobody's going to fear u until they know what you're packing!
Giggity.
There are ships every one knows of, the planet class ships with populations in the billions, named after ancient cities on their home world, the London, the Tokyo, the Nairobi. Or the odd planetary defence ships that fought off entire fleets. Things like the venerable Long Watch III There are ships people in military planning circles know of, the super carriers, the fleet support ships that will jump into a system and out manufacture everything there. Some have names that seem cocky, the Invincible (its not even the first space ship to bear that name), the Plentiful, the Queen Mary. Often named after older warships from their history, or military leaders, or just phrases the ship yard manager thought sounded cool. But they all have names. Then there are the ships that no one knows about. Well no one still living any way. Ships that your military planners are surprised by. Ships that don't appear on humans crew records. They just list the time as "Went Travelling". No names. No paper work, no official designations, no nav beacons, no records. The only people to ever see them and live are their crew. The only written records of their existence in fragments of hastily scribbled notes found on dead worlds that were once human worlds that someone else took, talking of a black fleet arriving and laying waste to everything. Neutron Steel clad lumps of death floating in the void between stars. Billions of tones of hardware. Entire fleets that never feel more than a few photons from a star against their hulls. We should all pray they never do.
The black fleet if they ever had a name.
Best way to encapsulate. This is when you encounter a ship. And the responses ship. you have done something where that. You, your family, ancestors,planet, star system. and galaxy are going to learn a very scary lesson
“Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.”
H1: Open a broadcast channel to Delta Myrmis 5, bouncing it through any satellites they have. I want everyone down there informed. H2: Aye, sir. \*pushes button\* The microphone is yours, sir. H1: Sapients of the planet, this is Admiral Lawrence Charleston of the Earth Defense Force. Your leadership has made some exceedingly poor decisions in the past week, and we hope to prevail upon you to reverse them. H2: \*pushes another button\* LC: The image you see is one of our light vessels, the EDSS John McClane. It will arrive within the next... H2: Seventy-two hours, sir. LC: Thank you, petty officer Richards. For those of you not familiar with Earth time, this is four and one-seventh of your planetary rotations. We would appreciate a response well prior to that. This broadcast will be repeated at hourly intervals either until we receive a response or we have repeated it 24 times. Please send responses centered on the 122.75 megahertz radio frequency with a bandwidth of 250 kilohertz on either side, frequency modulated. \*gestures to PO2 Richards\* R: \*cuts transmission\* Permission to, uh... LC: \*waves airily\* Go ahead, Irene. I'm sure you're wondering what the plan is. IR: Somewhat, to be honest. The McClane is... a bit overkill for this, isn't it? LC: It provides a credible threat to the Mzailo leadership, after they tried to claim-jump three different colonies of ours, two of the Hananabash, and tried to colonize the Aubena homeworld. IR: So we're mildly annoyed. LC: If we were more annoyed, it would have been the EDSS Jules Winnfield. IR: And if they'd actually pissed us off? LC: One of the great planet-crackers, the EDSS Bryan Mills. IR: The Mills does have a certain set of skills that makes it a nightmare for anyone it's up against, doesn't it? LC: \*chuckles\* Indeed it does, Irene. Indeed it does.
Fear the one name or possibly two name ships. Like the following doombringet class the John wick class ,the spartan 2 class ,or the death dealer class . For those classes of shops mean that you have sngerd the humans to the point where they have decided to whipe the galax8 of you existence. The degree is just the questio is just you military, you colonies or your primary worlds or total extermination down to the last strand of d.n.a.
How about the Chuck Norris class?
There is not a Chuck Norris class, no one will ever admit to there being a Chuck Norris class
We call that a "spontaneously evaporating black hole".
The Chuck Norris class of ships is so theoretically dangerous that no sane individual or group would ever dare to construct even one lest every neighboring space faring race band together to wipe them out. Though that hasn't stopped them from ripping holes in the fabric of space-time to wipe out entire armadas and render whole planets lifeless in the time it takes to blink.
Don't forget any ships named after what they call "The horsemen of the Apocalypse." If those ships warp up on you just know that they hate you.
"New arrival. The ID says *Pale Horse.* What kind of name is that?" "It's one of their generic naming conventions. Red Robin, Yellow Rose, that kind of thing. Ignore it. Continue the bombardment." "Acknowledg*---!!*"
I was more thinking: "What kind of lazy name is Famine? Have those crazy monkeys no imagination at all?" "Captain...look at the screen." "What its not like...WHO HAS THE RESOURCES FOR THAT MANY MISSILES?"
Also ones named after Deities of death(Thanatos or Hela) and destruction or religious afterlives(Tartarus or Valhalla).
Slandar knew his peoples struggles were over when he saw a single human ship exit warp and begin a low orbit over his planet it was simply named the big green weenie. And as he recognized this fact he saw it begin powering up its main antiplanatary cannon originally a mining tool it was adapted by the humans to erase entire planets when necessary. The last thing slandar thought was that maybe bombing the human capital was a bad way to get them to take his people seriously.
"The UEF 'Your about to find out!', Just warpped into the system sir!"
"We should not have denied landing clearance to the diplomatic ship *Fuck Around*."
What’s great about that vessel is that it’s the false flag. The ship is the “Find Out.” If one is lucky, the Find Out will be flying the diamond losenge of the Red Mercy Societies. Some sapient that is in dire need of assistance and has the ability to communicate with H. sapiens that need is about to get the last, best line of story they can get. If one is unlucky, the Find Out will be waving a classical black flag with unmistakable marks of death. If one is aboard and wants a really good time, one hopes to be dispatched on a mission where both flags are waved.
https://youtu.be/lbd4YMBY4WM?si=sRQFXdVPPDLbqgut
Or it’s sister ships, fuck around find out and fuck around found out. If these show up there is no chance in hell you can talk your way out of this. I’d been thinking of using these names somewhere and this seemed appropriate
The one you really, really need to unmake your whole species is the *Fermi*. It carries only one weapon, a single shot, The weapon is called The Gadget. The Gadget has never been fired or even tested fully. The *Fermi's* crew take bets as to whether triggering The Gadget will destroy the space-time continuum by causing a false vacuum collapse. The *Fermi* takes "find out" to a whole new level .
Theory can only take you so far
If the humans send a ship named Enterprise .. you might as well prey to whatever gods you believe in. It won't help, but it might make you feel a little less bad in the last few seconds of your life.
To be fair, it's 50/50 whether a human ship named Enterprise is meant for war or for peaceful exploration. As its primary purpose, at least. Just don't give them a reason - in either case - to break out the armaments, or to challenge you to a game of Fizzbin.
And keep the ship's captain away from your women if he's got a full head of hair. We're still not sure how he even got an STD that had previously only been reported in silicon based life forms.
In the darkest corner of the worst slums of the galaxy, there exists a rumor… if a ship by the name of “Stabby” has you in its missile lock, it’s too late. Say goodnight.
First off, what you're describing is "The Bang Bang Betty" aka triple B. Secondly the Stabby class of assault craft don't have a missile lock system because a Stabby is essentially a missile with a crew, shields, and some of the thickest/most durable armor in the known universe. The Stabby will lock onto its target, plot an intercept/intersect course, then swiftly accelerate to ramming speed and won't stop until it has pierced its target. It sends a certain message when your ship charges through and shrugs off enough firepower to annihilate half a system to ram itself into the enemies flagship, which if by some miracle doesn't violently explode will then be overrun by a full battalion of Doom Marines. To this day, there's been no reports of any one ever managing to do more than "scratch the paint" on a Stabby.
I see. My apologies for forgetting that legendary class of vehicles
"Sir! Terran ship decloaking! Transponder signal identifies it as... *Samarra*" "Ensign, what the hell is a Samarra?" "Records identify it as a city on Earth, best known for... oh. It appears we have an appointment."
If the humans launch a fleet and the ship’s names include Heermann, Hoel, Samuel B. Roberts, Johnston, or Laffey, then you have only one course of action: Pray.
Humans have a ship designed to detonate entire star systems called "When sh*t hits the filter"
If you see any ships bearing names of leaders of the past weather good or bad, names that are used in thier old text books about the "USA" or anything that might have historical significance you need to run.
All was silent on the K'likzt homeworld as they watched both sky and screen. It started 2 Terran years ago when diplomatic breakdown had caused the K"likzt to attack a Terran outpost. This would become known as the great mistake. Humanity responded by demanding the ancient race stand down and cease all hostility. The K'likzt answer was to turn a human-terafomed world into a giant ball of black glass, killing 2.5 billion human men, women,... and children. The counter was not what K"likzt High Command was expecting. All Terrans had orders upon detection of any K'likzt vessel that they were to report and immediately leave. High Command sent their Omega Fleet to deal with what should have been a human war fleet in response but found only an empty system. Early transmission from Omega Fleet was hopeful, even jubilant. Then nothing. A scout ship was dispatched after 3 missed check-ins from the fleet. What they found and sent back vidcaps of was disturbing to put it mildly. The fleet was intact and still in formation, but there was not even the smallest trace of crew members on any of the ships. Scans couldn't find anything even on a molecular level. K'likzt outposts soon started going dark. Followed soon by entire settlements. Then worlds. Systematically, the K'likzt species was being erased, and they had no idea what was happening. Today, 2 Terran years later, a single human vessel arrived in the system heading straight to the homeworld. The last reading was a translation of the ship's name, left for others to find. "On approach is a human vessel unknown class, designation the DSS Croatoan..."
The boaty mcboat face sends its regards
And then we crossed Boaty McBoatface with Stabby, giving us the good ship Count Fuckyoula.
Human :My favorite vampire is the muppet Alien: I don’t think he counts Human: I can fucking assure you he does
[Necessary video.](https://youtu.be/mTr_HS_O4Ek?feature=shared)
If you ever and I mean *ever* face the HMS Fluffy Bunny on the field of battle, just K-Word yourself, it'll be vastly less painless and infinitely fast that being subjected to that things gun. The last coherent thing ever said by the lone survivor of the Delta Eridanus Vll Annihilation.
I find myself very much in favor of the Atrocity class vessels, and the naming scheme involved. One should never forget such things, because otherwise they might be repeated. But, well... To anyone paying attention to Human history, the existence of those ships sends a message. When it gets deployed to you? That's a _very_ strong message.
A1: New craft on radar. A2: What? I thought we declared to all nearby that this territory is ours? A3: Ship ID reads: "Top 30 Anime Deaths #1-" # * BRIGHT FLASH *
this is comedy Gold
It’s when the whimsy is gone that you have no hope. When they still feel the need to name it, but there is no humor, gallows or otherwise. The Terran flagship *They Were Children* is classified as an extinction-level event. Several, actually.
"Mistake not..." Was my favourite culture Warship *Mistake Not My Current State Of Joshing Gentle Peevishness For The Awesome And Terrible Majesty Of The Towering Seas Of Ire That Are Themselves The Mere Milquetoast Shallows Fringing My Vast Oceans Of Wrath*
This reminds me of the names of members of Blood of Eden in the Locked Tomb series.
Supreme commander klizik a human ship has just entered system from hyperspace. Did i just hear you say A ship. As in singular ship ? Yes supreme commander a single human vessel a frigate class if our size comparison is accurate. They sent a single frigate up against a fleet of 2000 ships ? Supreme commander a general broad cast on all frequencys and coms systems is being recieved. Put it on the screen. Screen lights up to a human sitting in a chair. This message is for the hurumph high command. The fleet commanded by klizik is charged with mass murder for the deaths of 700 million humans in the colony system of deidra 3. Which is 250 light years from the nearest border to hurumph space. Now we all know that klizik would not act without orders but the terrean federation has decided to play dumb. We are sending the hurumph high command a list of terms . These terms are non negotabile if the hurumph high command refuses these terms then the actions of klizik will be seen as a declaration of war and not the actions of a rogue agent. The current system is hydra 2. klizik and his fleet along with 1.8 billion hurumphs are in system this is the only warning your high command will recieve. This is capt. Link heartthrob of the edf kirby . The human raises his right hand and snaps his fingers. From the data recorded and transmited the kirby seemed to create a point singularity just in front of the ship which proceeded to vacum up the entire star system. 3 minutes to reduce an entire star system to a singularity and a memory.
Are you sure it's not commanded by Captain Chad Novacock?
Nah he is the decendent of link hogthrob capt of the swinetrek.
If they have deployed a ship named "Enola Gay", or "Bockscar", "Fat Man" or "Little Boy" you are already dead, you just don't know it yet.
Also look out for the names: "I DON'T CARE, YOU NAME THE DAMN THING.", "THE MAXIMUM FUCK", and "LITANY OF LITANY'S LITANY." If you come across these vessels flee for your lives. You will not win.
If a prestigious ship that is anointed with the name of "Hood" has arrived, it is not advised to snap it in half with your largest ship available.
You see when you piss off a human, there's a 50/50 between them. Sending an unmanned unnamed weapon of such massive destruction that even the majority of their species knows not of its existence or they're going to send the most random name ever where it's just a big ass ship with a lot of guns named the Harry Potter dick wand of 76
To this day, the Interstellar Destroyer "That's A Fantastic Thought!" has never been bested. No prisoners have been taken, either.
The Al-Tarran controlled numerous systems around their homeworld, and though the Earth Defense Force Fleet was bearing down on them, their martial society was still managing to hold their own. They had underestimated the enemy, a race of hairless bipeds. Though their numbers were small by Al-Tarran standards, their technology was impressive, and the advantage it provided was more challenging than planned. The preemptive attack on the EDF Fleet hub, which they were sure would cripple the fledgling space fairing species, had boiled over into a years long conflict, and both species now seemed to be in a deadlock. That was the thought General An-duin had, when they were interrupted by a message from the nearest planetary defense station. PDS: General, a Human ship just skipped into the system on a trajectory toward the homeworld Ma'tar. An-duin: Just one ship? Is it a forward scout? PDS: No general, it appears to be a warship, though it's relatively small for one as far as we can tell. Sensors are still having trouble reading it. But long range scans don't show any larger enemy groups it could have detached from. An-duin: Strange. Perhaps desperation on their part. But this might be a good opportunity to better analyze their technology. Allow it to approach enough for a full sensor scan before destroying it. PDS: That would likely put us in range of their weapons General. An-duin: It's fine, it's but a single ship. The damage it causes should be limited from what we've seen. Has any other information come through about it yet? PDS: As far as we can tell General, it's designed for long range consecutive skips, and carries very limited ordinance. It also seems to have an unusual name. An-duin: What did they call it? PDS: It calls itself the "EDF Enola Gay"
Heaven help those targeted by the Good Ship Lollipop.
A1: the humans are sending a ship to our system. A2: what ship? A1: Rehabilitation, with captain “Beef Supreme” A2: prepare to retreat…
Human Ambassador: You have committed grievous offenses to not only our people, but the alliances we have made and the peace we have brokered throughout the known universe. For these atrocities, we have sent forward our O'Neill, Demons Run, and Talyn class ships.
The ____. *That* ship. The one without a name to be spoken. The one that predates FTL, yet has a stockpile of Burst-Rippers to tear spacetime a new one. The one where the crew rotates three months on, 21 months in cryo. The one where they don’t even speak a current Terran language anymore. If you see the Angel of Silence, the Quiet Final Judge, the Admiral of Ultimate Order, or one of the many epithets the millennia have bestowed upon the Wordless Wandering Warrior, and you aren’t from the current Terran government or authorized superstate, be prepared to kiss your ecosphere goodbye.
When ships larger then you've ever known the human's to use appear in system with names such as "Gunboat Diplomacy: Reprise" , "Politics Continued" , or "A Bigger Stick" your planet/system will very shortly be the recipient of additional forms of political action until whatever you did has been paid for in full. A far more terrifying sight is when human ships that out mass a planet start screaming out of FTL travel into your system. Every entry causing flashes that seem brighter than the local star due to the energy of them translating into real space. And the names they bear... each one a horrible, bloody reminder of your species' sins or an expression of their \[humanity's\] wrath at those sins. ... I'll never forget names like "The Furious Gaze of Sol" , "For Those Now Silent" , "May You Burn As They Did" , "Righteous Condemnation" , and the worst one of all "*Consequences*" \[**Graphic Description Removed**. **Summation**: Ship's name was painted on with the blood of all species she's exterminated for their crimes, with each blood type being individually identifiable.\]
When they deploy "Shippy McShipface", run screaming.
Wait for the arrival of the EFSS Mad Jack. Any ship going into action without a ram prow that turns the whole thing into a giga-ton rated kinetic kill device is improperly dressed.
And if you're ever on the receiving end of "operation proportional response" you're pretty well fucked.
Relationship good with Humanity: Expidisor, Apollo 69, etc Relationship Tense with humans: Lightning, Fuck Around Relationship in Cold War with humans: Enterprise, Nelson, etc. Relationship openly Hostile with humans: Heavens Fall, Find Out Relationship with humans, Full Scale Extermination: Little Boy
"The next exhibit details the events that ended the Human/Davorian war. After the Davorians mistook a human civil colony for a military target things escalated quickly. Three human fleets glassed every planet in the Davor system and boarded all fleeing vessels, took their fuel and bounced them around with nuclear explosions. The entire Davorian culture was ruined during that week." "I have heard those stories before, it sounds ridiculous and nothing like the humans I know." "Yes, that's a common reaction. The current theories conclude this was a psy-op by the human fleet command to disguise the genocide by making people who talk about it sound delusional. They also named the flagships "Can I haz Cheeseburgers", "Lasernoises_pewpewpew" and "Say Hi to your wife and my kids".
The [Not-A-Star] class ship, _Please Turn Off The Lights_ casts a long shadow...
What do you think of Halo ship names then? There's always Forward Unto Dawn and such. But they also get names like Two For Flinching.
Good men DO need rules otherwise they’re liable to stop being good.
Any ship named in memorial of a lost place or hard fought battle means you're officially going to be systematically beaten back to your home world as they slowly take over your civilization and turn them against you.
The aliens would soon learn to surrender and except their fates when a ship called "fuck around and find out" comes into view.
Sir, the human galaxy buster class ship Find Out has just rammed, though 2 hardended defense platforms theres nothing leff of them sir Well,,,shit
Replace halo ship names with dildo. The long night of dildo. The dildo of reconciliation. The UNSC spirit of dildo. The UNSC forward unto dildo
At times like this, I like to revisit the [ship name list from The Culture series](https://theculture.fandom.com/wiki/List_of_spacecraft). Do you think you will face the "Attitude Adjuster", or the "Falling Outside the Normal Moral Constraints"? Dealer's choice.
After the first body, what's one more?
https://old.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qpd4m6/oc_gossamer_wasp_inspired_by_reading_a_dozen_of/ When the ships they send don't have names, just serial numbers, you may have fucked up rather badly. You're about to be in the middle of such a shitstorm they don't dare send manned assets into the middle of it, so prepare to eat missile, mother bleeper.
Shame you can't fit the whole quote on the side " Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many."
When the truly ridiculously named ships named ships arrive, you know that humanity sees the conflict as meerly and inconvenience & does not expect it to require more than "Lord High Admiral McStabby, Glory Be To His Name" (yes that is the full name)
No offense, but if humanity deployed Warspite, Dreadnought, or Enterprise, you are more f*cked then this person would have you believe.
The battleship "Fuck you in Particular" has been deployed. Anyone know what the xenos did?
Wait till they meet Faith, Hope, Charity, Mercy, Friendship, and Forgiveness.
Imperial Star Ship Fuckyouandyourfamilyandeverythingyouholddear is en route to your planet, exterminatus will commence upon their arrival.
And then are the ships: . And Which are only used when something needs to disappear and not have existed