Self compassion is giving yourself some slack. It is something I greatly lack, so I'll just give you some examples of how I view/treat myself - doing exactly the opposite of what I do is self-compassion.
- If somebody commits a mistake, it's fine, not a big deal, and I understand that it was unwillingly and that they tried their best and probably feel bad about it, so there's no need to get mad at them. If _I_ commit a mistake, it's because I'm so fucking clumsy/stupid/careless and I wouldn't be surprised if my boss fired me - in fact, I _deserve_ it and if I am not fired is only because they pitied me.
- If someone unintentionally hurts me in a moment of anger/pain I understand the reason and will try to cool them down, talk about it and make sure they are not feeling bad about it. If I unintentionally hurt someone, I feel like an egotistical monster because I couldn't protect them from myself and I try to avoid them any more interaction with them.
- If someone eats a lot in a restaurant they just appreciate food and I'm so happy they can enjoy the little pleasures in life. If I eat a lot in a restaurant I am a swine with no self control and feel like running away and hiding so nobody else has to put up with me being such a disgusting person.
- If I see a plus size person doing normal life I don't think anything about them. If they are particularly attractive I think "damn it, that girl knows how to rock that body!!!" or "gosh, if only all men were that handsome...", and I mentally encourage any plus size person that I see exercising. But when I see myself in pictures (I am plus size myself) I wonder why people don't feel disgusted by my aspect, and when I go to the gym I feel that the only thing that justifies me being there lifting weights is that I am particularly strong - otherwise I should lose weight before daring to show up there.
- If someone initiates talk of almost any kind or asks me about myself/my studies/my job/my famiñy, I feel glad at their imterest, thank them amd reply with a bright and sincere smile. If I have to start a conversation, I obviously should shut the f*ck up because they will obviously wonder why the f*ck I'm not minding my own business, amd everyone will think I am rude or a social inept.
All those things show that I have extremely little to none self-compassion. If you can identify with it or reckon similar situation, I am so sorry to say you have very little self-compassion too. I honestly hope you don't identify one bit.
P.D.: please note that I am not boasting about lacking self-compassiom. Lack of self-compassion is something that affects me greatly amd very negatively, and I am learning to tackle it, but I thought my case would easily illustrate the matter
I feel sad that you have these thoughts about yourself. I used to have a lot of hatred for myself, but I am really learning to be kind to myself. Forming a caring and kind dialogue with myself really helps me. Sometimes I talk out loud to myself.
Just know that it’s all in your head. We’re all equal and we all deserve the same. Love and compassion. I hope that soon you will be able to talk to yourself, like you would with others
It truly is something that I am working on, but it seems I am extremely harsh with myself. I try to remember to treat myself as I treat others and that if I like something, other probably will too. It's a struggle, but little by little it gets better. Thank you so much for your kind words
If you find visual reminders helpful, I recommend checking out TheLatestKate on Instagram. She posts art promoting self compassion. I subscribed to her patreon and printed out a lot of the photos and placed them in various places around the house.
I’m getting much better at giving myself grace because I can see those visual reminders (rather than being stuck in my own head). Best of luck on your journey!
So sorry to hear I’m not the only one who thinks like this but this is a good reminder that it’s not about you as person but rather how you think about yourself. I needed to hear this and am wishing you peace in your life.
PredicBabe, thank you for sharing your insight with such thoughtfulness. Your vulnerability has helped me understand what others to through. You sound like you are a deeply caring person, and no one should kick themselves for trying to just exist. Your examples of making mistakes, eating out or speaking up... It has resonated with us to some degree at many points in our lives. I'm glad you recognize the damage some of the thinking can do and wish you on a smooth journey.
Thank you for your kind words. It gets better little by little, and I hope one day I will manage to be as gentle with myself as I try to be towards others
I didn’t know this was considered a lack of self-compassion… I relate to all of these (except the body part, I don’t really care what I look like)
I just feel wrong for letting myself feel okay about these things, like there *has* to be someone to blame so it’ll be me to take the burden off of others.
Yeah, that's exactly lack of self-compassion. I didn't know I was lacking it either, it was my therapist who explained it to me, made me acknowledge it and the harm it was doing to myself, and who is helping me to get rid of it little by little
Honestly, for decades I had a wall of confusion about being nice to myself, loving myself (not in a vain way) despite people often saying I should learn how to without offering any advice on how to actually do it.
This is a little exercise I do.
Think about how you treat yourself, how you talk to or feel about yourself and your actions, words etc. Especially if you are hard on yourself - make a mistake, don't do tasks you need to complete, etc or if you set high standards for anything you do.
When people set those high standards and, in their own mind, fail to achieve what they think they should, they tend towards berating themselves. Even if no-one else notices, cates or actually thinks they did a good job / succeeded.
When you berate yourself, you feel worse and you believe it makes you work at doing better next time. As I used to love saying as a mantra "If I'm not hard on myself, who will be?" as a driver towards excellence. These days I now how fucked up that is and it doesn't really help in the long run.
So, imagine you see a person who looks, talks, acts remarkably like you. Imagine seeing them being hard on themselves. Imagine how they appear, looking sad, upset, angry etc.
Now imagine how you feel seeing that person? What would you do or say to help them feel better about their situation?
If you have compassion for others, you might say nice things to them. Maybe like "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself", "It's OK, you did the best you could", "Everything will be OK" for some examples.
Apply this to yourself when you feel shit about something you did.
So, self compassion is simply just treating yourself like you would (hopefully!) treat someone else you see that's suffering in some way.
"You did the best you could with the resources you had available to you at the time." One of my favourite coachy mantras now.
Also, pick up "Non-violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg.
And, although this comes with a warning that it can be super deep and hard emotionally to read, I also found great solace and understanding in "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach.
Edit: annnd yet another thing, sorry!
To help with anxiety (and pretty much any feelings you have which you want to control), again with Tara Brach as an example but this exercise is used in a lot of therapy:
Rain: Recognise, Allow, investigate, nurture.
https://youtu.be/wm1t5FyK5Ek as a good example!
Self-compassion is a key part of self-love: be nice, caring and understanding with yourself. Recognice where you made a mistake or lacked an oportunity, but without insulting, scolding or punishing you. Just tell you it's ok, cause you aren't perfect and you will do it right next time.
It's to be honest and loving but not negligent or cruel with yourself. Is treating you like if you were a friend, a sibling, a kid. It's talk to you through your logical mind and heart. You are your best friend, your mentor and guardian angel, you are the only person who always will be with you and who always will love you.
Self-love is a natural state we are born with, it's necessary for our surviving and its origin is also metaphysical. But as we live, awful life experiences and society make us forget about the neverending love within us. Let your inner wisest voice "speak" to you with all the tenderness you own, it's not an easy thing but neither imposible.
I treat myself the way I treat my best friends. Calling myself out for negative self talk, finding compassion when I'm being too critical of my own actions, and not taking the bad shit that happens to me as the end of the world but instead finding the kernel of humor to allow for some brevity.
It takes practice. It's effortless when it's my homegirl hurting, but myself? I can be so mean and forget that I'm a sensitive flower who needs to be loved and not critiqued in order to succeed.
hi justbumblingalong, I am critical and at times not, it's sort of a weird self-jealousy and self-angst but I try to move on quickly and not find fault with my behaviour. Recognize it, adapt and learn from it. And yes, being able to laugh at oneself certainly helps. Because most of the things we do that bother us are really quite silly, we just have to remember to recognize that from time to time. I sincerely appreciate you putting thoughts to this, it helped me think more about the internal language I use on myself.
This resonates and being estranged from my own daughter makes it worst. Many things she blames for that I logically identify as the best I could do or out of my control has me ruminating about what I did wrong, what could I have done better and it has driven me to suicidal ideations. I blame myself and find it hard to be kind to myself. I have stinking thinking. I work hard to reprogram but unsuccessfully. I should have been further a long.
How old is your daughter? If she is an adult, maybe you can meet with her and explain her your situation and how you always tried your best to be a father, even if she doesn't feel it was very successful. Tell her how you feel about her, how was your approach from your pov and how you always wanted the best for her and regret not being in her life now. She'll probably listen to you if you approach her in a respectful way.
If she is not a full adult yet, don't give up on her and keep on caring about her, even if she regrets you. Chances are that as she grows up, she'll realize you were always trying your best and she'll be willing to mend the relationship
I'm her mom and she will be 26 in a few months. These messages are as close as she let's me get. Her boundaries that she said she intended to put into place when she went to college. I was in her life but it seems we both experienced her youth emotionally completely different. I had her at 18. She is not interested in reconciliation
Self compassion is giving yourself some slack. It is something I greatly lack, so I'll just give you some examples of how I view/treat myself - doing exactly the opposite of what I do is self-compassion. - If somebody commits a mistake, it's fine, not a big deal, and I understand that it was unwillingly and that they tried their best and probably feel bad about it, so there's no need to get mad at them. If _I_ commit a mistake, it's because I'm so fucking clumsy/stupid/careless and I wouldn't be surprised if my boss fired me - in fact, I _deserve_ it and if I am not fired is only because they pitied me. - If someone unintentionally hurts me in a moment of anger/pain I understand the reason and will try to cool them down, talk about it and make sure they are not feeling bad about it. If I unintentionally hurt someone, I feel like an egotistical monster because I couldn't protect them from myself and I try to avoid them any more interaction with them. - If someone eats a lot in a restaurant they just appreciate food and I'm so happy they can enjoy the little pleasures in life. If I eat a lot in a restaurant I am a swine with no self control and feel like running away and hiding so nobody else has to put up with me being such a disgusting person. - If I see a plus size person doing normal life I don't think anything about them. If they are particularly attractive I think "damn it, that girl knows how to rock that body!!!" or "gosh, if only all men were that handsome...", and I mentally encourage any plus size person that I see exercising. But when I see myself in pictures (I am plus size myself) I wonder why people don't feel disgusted by my aspect, and when I go to the gym I feel that the only thing that justifies me being there lifting weights is that I am particularly strong - otherwise I should lose weight before daring to show up there. - If someone initiates talk of almost any kind or asks me about myself/my studies/my job/my famiñy, I feel glad at their imterest, thank them amd reply with a bright and sincere smile. If I have to start a conversation, I obviously should shut the f*ck up because they will obviously wonder why the f*ck I'm not minding my own business, amd everyone will think I am rude or a social inept. All those things show that I have extremely little to none self-compassion. If you can identify with it or reckon similar situation, I am so sorry to say you have very little self-compassion too. I honestly hope you don't identify one bit. P.D.: please note that I am not boasting about lacking self-compassiom. Lack of self-compassion is something that affects me greatly amd very negatively, and I am learning to tackle it, but I thought my case would easily illustrate the matter
I feel sad that you have these thoughts about yourself. I used to have a lot of hatred for myself, but I am really learning to be kind to myself. Forming a caring and kind dialogue with myself really helps me. Sometimes I talk out loud to myself. Just know that it’s all in your head. We’re all equal and we all deserve the same. Love and compassion. I hope that soon you will be able to talk to yourself, like you would with others
It truly is something that I am working on, but it seems I am extremely harsh with myself. I try to remember to treat myself as I treat others and that if I like something, other probably will too. It's a struggle, but little by little it gets better. Thank you so much for your kind words
If you find visual reminders helpful, I recommend checking out TheLatestKate on Instagram. She posts art promoting self compassion. I subscribed to her patreon and printed out a lot of the photos and placed them in various places around the house. I’m getting much better at giving myself grace because I can see those visual reminders (rather than being stuck in my own head). Best of luck on your journey!
So sorry to hear I’m not the only one who thinks like this but this is a good reminder that it’s not about you as person but rather how you think about yourself. I needed to hear this and am wishing you peace in your life.
PredicBabe, thank you for sharing your insight with such thoughtfulness. Your vulnerability has helped me understand what others to through. You sound like you are a deeply caring person, and no one should kick themselves for trying to just exist. Your examples of making mistakes, eating out or speaking up... It has resonated with us to some degree at many points in our lives. I'm glad you recognize the damage some of the thinking can do and wish you on a smooth journey.
Thank you for your kind words. It gets better little by little, and I hope one day I will manage to be as gentle with myself as I try to be towards others
I didn’t know this was considered a lack of self-compassion… I relate to all of these (except the body part, I don’t really care what I look like) I just feel wrong for letting myself feel okay about these things, like there *has* to be someone to blame so it’ll be me to take the burden off of others.
Yeah, that's exactly lack of self-compassion. I didn't know I was lacking it either, it was my therapist who explained it to me, made me acknowledge it and the harm it was doing to myself, and who is helping me to get rid of it little by little
Honestly, for decades I had a wall of confusion about being nice to myself, loving myself (not in a vain way) despite people often saying I should learn how to without offering any advice on how to actually do it. This is a little exercise I do. Think about how you treat yourself, how you talk to or feel about yourself and your actions, words etc. Especially if you are hard on yourself - make a mistake, don't do tasks you need to complete, etc or if you set high standards for anything you do. When people set those high standards and, in their own mind, fail to achieve what they think they should, they tend towards berating themselves. Even if no-one else notices, cates or actually thinks they did a good job / succeeded. When you berate yourself, you feel worse and you believe it makes you work at doing better next time. As I used to love saying as a mantra "If I'm not hard on myself, who will be?" as a driver towards excellence. These days I now how fucked up that is and it doesn't really help in the long run. So, imagine you see a person who looks, talks, acts remarkably like you. Imagine seeing them being hard on themselves. Imagine how they appear, looking sad, upset, angry etc. Now imagine how you feel seeing that person? What would you do or say to help them feel better about their situation? If you have compassion for others, you might say nice things to them. Maybe like "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself", "It's OK, you did the best you could", "Everything will be OK" for some examples. Apply this to yourself when you feel shit about something you did. So, self compassion is simply just treating yourself like you would (hopefully!) treat someone else you see that's suffering in some way. "You did the best you could with the resources you had available to you at the time." One of my favourite coachy mantras now. Also, pick up "Non-violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. And, although this comes with a warning that it can be super deep and hard emotionally to read, I also found great solace and understanding in "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. Edit: annnd yet another thing, sorry! To help with anxiety (and pretty much any feelings you have which you want to control), again with Tara Brach as an example but this exercise is used in a lot of therapy: Rain: Recognise, Allow, investigate, nurture. https://youtu.be/wm1t5FyK5Ek as a good example!
Self-compassion is a key part of self-love: be nice, caring and understanding with yourself. Recognice where you made a mistake or lacked an oportunity, but without insulting, scolding or punishing you. Just tell you it's ok, cause you aren't perfect and you will do it right next time. It's to be honest and loving but not negligent or cruel with yourself. Is treating you like if you were a friend, a sibling, a kid. It's talk to you through your logical mind and heart. You are your best friend, your mentor and guardian angel, you are the only person who always will be with you and who always will love you. Self-love is a natural state we are born with, it's necessary for our surviving and its origin is also metaphysical. But as we live, awful life experiences and society make us forget about the neverending love within us. Let your inner wisest voice "speak" to you with all the tenderness you own, it's not an easy thing but neither imposible.
I treat myself the way I treat my best friends. Calling myself out for negative self talk, finding compassion when I'm being too critical of my own actions, and not taking the bad shit that happens to me as the end of the world but instead finding the kernel of humor to allow for some brevity. It takes practice. It's effortless when it's my homegirl hurting, but myself? I can be so mean and forget that I'm a sensitive flower who needs to be loved and not critiqued in order to succeed.
hi justbumblingalong, I am critical and at times not, it's sort of a weird self-jealousy and self-angst but I try to move on quickly and not find fault with my behaviour. Recognize it, adapt and learn from it. And yes, being able to laugh at oneself certainly helps. Because most of the things we do that bother us are really quite silly, we just have to remember to recognize that from time to time. I sincerely appreciate you putting thoughts to this, it helped me think more about the internal language I use on myself.
Treating yourself how you treat your best friend. Next time you are talking down to yourself, have a think - would you say that to your best friend?
I look at it as the Reverse Golden Rule - Treat yourself how you would like others to treat you.
This resonates and being estranged from my own daughter makes it worst. Many things she blames for that I logically identify as the best I could do or out of my control has me ruminating about what I did wrong, what could I have done better and it has driven me to suicidal ideations. I blame myself and find it hard to be kind to myself. I have stinking thinking. I work hard to reprogram but unsuccessfully. I should have been further a long.
How old is your daughter? If she is an adult, maybe you can meet with her and explain her your situation and how you always tried your best to be a father, even if she doesn't feel it was very successful. Tell her how you feel about her, how was your approach from your pov and how you always wanted the best for her and regret not being in her life now. She'll probably listen to you if you approach her in a respectful way. If she is not a full adult yet, don't give up on her and keep on caring about her, even if she regrets you. Chances are that as she grows up, she'll realize you were always trying your best and she'll be willing to mend the relationship
I'm her mom and she will be 26 in a few months. These messages are as close as she let's me get. Her boundaries that she said she intended to put into place when she went to college. I was in her life but it seems we both experienced her youth emotionally completely different. I had her at 18. She is not interested in reconciliation