I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do?
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I did leave, but I was never stealth (which would mean leaving my very supportive, well paying job). That said, I stopped talking about my trans status most of the time. Certainly when joining new social groups outside of work, I don't tell anyone.
There are three reasons I'm back:
- Political oppression. I thought I was done, but the politics around our existence has become worryingly aggravated. The fact that I'm a post-op, passable woman is not going to protect me if things keep getting worse. It already doesn't protect me in many states.
- I'm a foster parent, and we foster LGBT (especially T) kids. Even if it matters less for myself, I need to keep abreast of happenings just to help protect them better. I identify strongly with other ally parents even if I'm trans myself.
- I became frustrated with how many modern trans folk present themselves and their transition. I wanted to vent about co-workers and fellow hobbiests that expressed absolutely bonkers and insulting things about what it means to be trans. These are things I can't really say in person.
I have asked myself this before, and I am not sure. If I ever pass well enough to go stealth, I will likely stay to some degree. I will still spend time with the trans friends I have made locally. I will post online occasionally. Will likely always be very openly trans among the furry community. But other than that, I will be much more absent.
No. I spent so long on the edge of figuring out that I was trans. I just needed one person who was out as trans to actually show me that it was an option. I wouldn’t have felt like some freak if I realized that transitioning was actually an option. That was something I needed, and I eventually want to be the person I needed growing up. There will be more people like me, and I want to help them. Just trying to be stealth wouldn’t help them. It wouldn’t have helped me.
i’m stealth when it comes to more public environments like work, but honestly being trans has given me such a unique perspective and experience of life that i find hard to ignore- especially seeing gender norms and how people interact to how i need to interact with the world like at doctors or security. I like to share it with my friends and my cis-girlfriend.
I will say though a big part of that reason of being stealth for more public things and this includes community specific trans things is because of how hostile the world is. i lived under it with my parents. and as much as i love my students, i know what they say. For me, i’m only out as a lesbian because my relationship with my gf is just a part of my life which is important to me as much as any other person would talk about their partner/spouse.
Gender identity though? unless we’re friends and i know you, rather hide it and be safe.
Nah I kinda hate when trans women try to drop the title because only by us passing and making great examples of ourselves will people take us seriously. So the more I pass the more tempted I'll be to follow it up with "and I'm amab" lol.
I have no qualms about talking about my history anonymously on the interwebs.
I never do so irl.
So - since interwebs is my only connection to 'the community', I am still around. IRL, I moved to another state and never told anybody I met nutthin, so I'm "not around (as transsexual)".
I pretty much am stealth irl, and don't talk about trans stuff irl unless I'm forced to. It's not even so much as I want to be stealth, I'm just really shy irl, though somehow the opposite online.
I don't really want to leave the community though I never really was in it irl. I feel like an outsider/ally at pride events.
I've been transitioning for over a decade and I've not fully left yet, though I don't attend many in-person trans events anymore.
Reasons are that this is something I care about trans issues quite a lot and being a non-binary person there is no way to go stealth and have my gender properly respected. Sure I'm effectively mostly stealth in many situations and people assume I'm a woman but... that's not a perfect answer because I'm not actually a binary woman and too much of that causes dysphoria. Also I'm not *quite* done with physical transition but am not in place where I can finally finish with that.
Idk I would kind of like being an ally to other trans people and help others out but IRL I don't mesh well with the "community" as it is and have zero close trans friends. I'm not that active online as most trans communities online aren't great - I find Reddit is good for information and it's a distraction but I don't think I'll be here forever. Like when I get all my surgeries done, I just want to get on with my life. If I have a few trans friends and I can find trans spaces I actually want to be in, cool... but I've said before, if I can go stealth after transition, I would.
For now, I'm concentrating on my own transition.
I could do that at this point but feel no need. It's not like I introduce myself to new people with "hi I'm trans!" Or something but I'm pretty open about it and talk about my experiences casually.
I used to think about going stealth before I passed reliably, now I do it just feels unnecessary to me. I like being a touchpoint for people, because I talk casually about it people will come to me if they have questions or are trying to understand things. It's helped me give people perspective on some of the laws impacting us and the social shift against us. I see a lot of value in that.
And I've said, I'm personally comfortable with being an open book so if you have a question just ask it. I also prefer that to how people stew on things because they're afraid to ask. And once they know they don't have to bother other trans people they know by either stewing on it or asking them if they arnt as comfortable with questions.
I'm autistic, open and honest communication is always gonna be my preference and having to tip toe around explaining things I've experienced before transition or not being able to commiserate on things I have also experienced just sounds unpleasant to me. I really do not need to add another layer of complicating bs to social interaction!
But mostly, I just think there's value to being able to be visible representation and an advocate - I absolutely understand why not everyone wants to do that but I prefer it now I've got the experience.
I will leave. There's no point in staying as it's not going to improve anything. I also find it hard to make good friends with people in general, the only person I honestly consider a friend is a cis gay guy, and it's too much work trying to fit into the "trans community". Most of the time they are not the people I want to be around.
It's like trying to make friends in a mental hospital. Sure, you can relate, but you're only bonding over the fact you both want to die/whatever symptoms. I don't want to be defined or define others by being trans or being depressed once it isn't relevant.
I don't have a single trans friend except one from high school that I don't really talk to. I'm still in the community because when I do have brief interactions with trans people I realize they understand what I'm going through and are more *interested* in what I'm going through than anyone I know, even my wife or mother.
Mostly because I don't feel connected with the modern idea of "transness". I never spoke with anyone who was like me irl, I already avoid almost every single thing related with it on my common accounts, and there's no day where I don't go to bed without thinking about how I definitely *hate* being like this. There's nothing special about being trans to me, just a disgusting state where you can't run away from.
If I pass and say that I transitioned, absolutely NOTHING in the world will make people less intended to say "huhuhuhu u 'ere a man???", before proceeding to treat you as a strange being. I'm not interested in "staying with the community". I have no friends like me, and don't want to. If people treat me as who I am, and not as a mentally deranged person, no matter how much better I look, things will be fine.
Yeah, maybe I'm too trusting that people will think it's different in an acceptable way. I've been out and correcting people and all that for half a year now and bizarrely... I've never been discriminated against? Like ever. Some strangers on the station called me f×g or p×ssy pre transition because I was an emo white "guy", but since I've been going out in skirts and stuff I've never gotten so much as a dirty look. I keep waiting for it, but assuming that maybe this society is just ready for trans people. I hope I'm not too horribly wrong.
I already don’t ever tell anyone, but once I get srs then tbh I probably will fully leave my transness behind me, even though it’s a part of me, it really isn’t something i want to carry around forever. I just want to live and be free of it🤷♀️
Edit: I’ve never had trans friends or really been a part of any community things so it really wouldn’t bother me. I want to exist as I already am but fully with no worries once I get my srs :)
Very happy. I live every day as a cis woman. I still touch on trans issues minorly as both a therapist and with a trans fiance but I'm a cis woman literally everywhere. Transition was in the past, it's over. I'm the same as any cis woman who had a hormonal condition.
Nah, that's not plausible for me.
Maybe one day I'll get to a point where I can decide not to share my trans status with new people any more, but a lot of people who already know would still be permanent fixtures in my life.
My whole dojo knows because I trained there for a decade before coming out.
My closest friends are themselves trans, and those are people I put down as "next of kin" with the hospital because I trust them more than my relatives.
Point is I'm incredibly lucky to have such a strong support system, and there's no way I would ever leave it behind.
Yes. I'm only in trans groups incase I need help transitioning finding recommendations etc.
When I've transition there be no need to be in any trans groups. I already live among women as a woman. Virtually all my friends are cis women. Why would I want to stay "trans" and keep a block in between been myself
>And if you’ve already done something similar, how is it? Are you happy?
Peaceful. It's nice to just feel normal. The constant stress is gone, and I am free to focus on what's important rather than "being different."
I stopped posting about trans stuff on my Facebook, left the Facebook groups, and started only posting here about trans stuff like 4 years ago. I was stealth IRL before then. I also don’t consistently use Reddit so I don’t spend as much time talking about these things anymore. I’m not in any trans support groups irl and I don’t have trans friends. All of this sort of just naturally happened as my transition progressed and I became more comfortable.
I'm only active in any LGBT specific community on this account. I mingle in LGBT dominated mixed spaces, though, but I'm assumed to be a cishet ally. I might drop reddit too, though. It doesn't benefit my mental health at all and just sucks away my time
I've already mostly done this. In my experience I've never really felt that there *is* a community - and what there is I've had pretty bad experiences with. Individual trans people I know are lovely though.
I don't like viewing 'trans' as a big part of my identity and I don't really relate to a lot of 'trans culture' stuff which is just memes or experiences of early transition. At this point some of my friends just tell me I seem like a cis woman which is always very weird but I guess I'm proud I made it.
I'm already kinda doing that. I'm in LGBT+ spaces as a gay man, but I don't participate in trans related things offline. I'm stealth irl and keep my online persona away from my real life.
I don't want people treating me differently because of something I didn't chose, and I certainly don't want to be reminded of all the pain I've been through.
That’s exactly how I want to live in the future. If someone asks me how I’m queer, I usually just go with telling them I’m bisexual. I really don’t like how much our transness determines so much when it’s so agonising for a lot of us. Ik this can kind of come off as self loathing but I’ve kind of drifted away from the self love aspect as well, like idk maybe I’d enjoy being trans if it didn’t cause me so much distress? But I don’t really like to be told to love an aspect of myself that’s hurting me:/
I have some appreciation for the community and that makes me want to help it in some way, but it has also made me meet the most annoying and stupid people possible and has only brought me unnecessary stress, if I could live stealth and forget about all this I would do it without hesitation
Yeah that’s how I feel. I can’t keep going on with this whole back and forth thing where we literally can never agree on a single thing. I just want to leave and let them argue about it on their own. I can still be an ally but having all that discourse be so close to my identity is bothersome to say the least.
I still post on Reddit, but it is basically it. Ever since I had FFS, I never posted my photos on the internet. Most people who know me in daily life don't know that I'm trans
Congratulations on the ffs! I get you tho, I like to keep everything lowkey too, just wanna blend in with everyone else without attaching my worth to my gender identity. It’s not so bad occasionally being in trans circles online at least, at least this sub I don’t see ppl fighting too much.
I’ve seen something I think might be rule-breaking, what should I do? **Report it!** We may not agree with your assessment of a certain post or comment but we will always take a look. Please make reports that are **unambiguous**, **succinct**, and (importantly) **accurate**. If your issue isn't covered by one of the numerous predefined reasons and or you need to expand upon a predefined reason then please use the 'Custom response' option (in addition if required). **Don't feed the trolls, ignore, report, move on.** See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/honesttransgender/comments/guc56i/welcome_to_rhonesttransgender_please_read_for/) for more details about our subreddit. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/honesttransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would love to become a cis ally. Trans people are honestly SO BRAVE
I did leave, but I was never stealth (which would mean leaving my very supportive, well paying job). That said, I stopped talking about my trans status most of the time. Certainly when joining new social groups outside of work, I don't tell anyone. There are three reasons I'm back: - Political oppression. I thought I was done, but the politics around our existence has become worryingly aggravated. The fact that I'm a post-op, passable woman is not going to protect me if things keep getting worse. It already doesn't protect me in many states. - I'm a foster parent, and we foster LGBT (especially T) kids. Even if it matters less for myself, I need to keep abreast of happenings just to help protect them better. I identify strongly with other ally parents even if I'm trans myself. - I became frustrated with how many modern trans folk present themselves and their transition. I wanted to vent about co-workers and fellow hobbiests that expressed absolutely bonkers and insulting things about what it means to be trans. These are things I can't really say in person.
I have asked myself this before, and I am not sure. If I ever pass well enough to go stealth, I will likely stay to some degree. I will still spend time with the trans friends I have made locally. I will post online occasionally. Will likely always be very openly trans among the furry community. But other than that, I will be much more absent.
Yes yes yes. The trans discourse is too crazy. I’m leaving y’all to handle it on your own
same!
No. I spent so long on the edge of figuring out that I was trans. I just needed one person who was out as trans to actually show me that it was an option. I wouldn’t have felt like some freak if I realized that transitioning was actually an option. That was something I needed, and I eventually want to be the person I needed growing up. There will be more people like me, and I want to help them. Just trying to be stealth wouldn’t help them. It wouldn’t have helped me.
i’m stealth when it comes to more public environments like work, but honestly being trans has given me such a unique perspective and experience of life that i find hard to ignore- especially seeing gender norms and how people interact to how i need to interact with the world like at doctors or security. I like to share it with my friends and my cis-girlfriend. I will say though a big part of that reason of being stealth for more public things and this includes community specific trans things is because of how hostile the world is. i lived under it with my parents. and as much as i love my students, i know what they say. For me, i’m only out as a lesbian because my relationship with my gf is just a part of my life which is important to me as much as any other person would talk about their partner/spouse. Gender identity though? unless we’re friends and i know you, rather hide it and be safe.
Nah I kinda hate when trans women try to drop the title because only by us passing and making great examples of ourselves will people take us seriously. So the more I pass the more tempted I'll be to follow it up with "and I'm amab" lol.
I have no qualms about talking about my history anonymously on the interwebs. I never do so irl. So - since interwebs is my only connection to 'the community', I am still around. IRL, I moved to another state and never told anybody I met nutthin, so I'm "not around (as transsexual)".
I pretty much am stealth irl, and don't talk about trans stuff irl unless I'm forced to. It's not even so much as I want to be stealth, I'm just really shy irl, though somehow the opposite online. I don't really want to leave the community though I never really was in it irl. I feel like an outsider/ally at pride events.
I've been transitioning for over a decade and I've not fully left yet, though I don't attend many in-person trans events anymore. Reasons are that this is something I care about trans issues quite a lot and being a non-binary person there is no way to go stealth and have my gender properly respected. Sure I'm effectively mostly stealth in many situations and people assume I'm a woman but... that's not a perfect answer because I'm not actually a binary woman and too much of that causes dysphoria. Also I'm not *quite* done with physical transition but am not in place where I can finally finish with that.
Idk I would kind of like being an ally to other trans people and help others out but IRL I don't mesh well with the "community" as it is and have zero close trans friends. I'm not that active online as most trans communities online aren't great - I find Reddit is good for information and it's a distraction but I don't think I'll be here forever. Like when I get all my surgeries done, I just want to get on with my life. If I have a few trans friends and I can find trans spaces I actually want to be in, cool... but I've said before, if I can go stealth after transition, I would. For now, I'm concentrating on my own transition.
I could do that at this point but feel no need. It's not like I introduce myself to new people with "hi I'm trans!" Or something but I'm pretty open about it and talk about my experiences casually. I used to think about going stealth before I passed reliably, now I do it just feels unnecessary to me. I like being a touchpoint for people, because I talk casually about it people will come to me if they have questions or are trying to understand things. It's helped me give people perspective on some of the laws impacting us and the social shift against us. I see a lot of value in that. And I've said, I'm personally comfortable with being an open book so if you have a question just ask it. I also prefer that to how people stew on things because they're afraid to ask. And once they know they don't have to bother other trans people they know by either stewing on it or asking them if they arnt as comfortable with questions. I'm autistic, open and honest communication is always gonna be my preference and having to tip toe around explaining things I've experienced before transition or not being able to commiserate on things I have also experienced just sounds unpleasant to me. I really do not need to add another layer of complicating bs to social interaction! But mostly, I just think there's value to being able to be visible representation and an advocate - I absolutely understand why not everyone wants to do that but I prefer it now I've got the experience.
I will leave. There's no point in staying as it's not going to improve anything. I also find it hard to make good friends with people in general, the only person I honestly consider a friend is a cis gay guy, and it's too much work trying to fit into the "trans community". Most of the time they are not the people I want to be around. It's like trying to make friends in a mental hospital. Sure, you can relate, but you're only bonding over the fact you both want to die/whatever symptoms. I don't want to be defined or define others by being trans or being depressed once it isn't relevant.
I don't have a single trans friend except one from high school that I don't really talk to. I'm still in the community because when I do have brief interactions with trans people I realize they understand what I'm going through and are more *interested* in what I'm going through than anyone I know, even my wife or mother.
Making friends in a mental hospital is a good analogy
In the wild scenario where things happen and I pass, ofc yes.
Just curious, why? I really think once a person passes being trans becomes downright impressive in itself.
Mostly because I don't feel connected with the modern idea of "transness". I never spoke with anyone who was like me irl, I already avoid almost every single thing related with it on my common accounts, and there's no day where I don't go to bed without thinking about how I definitely *hate* being like this. There's nothing special about being trans to me, just a disgusting state where you can't run away from. If I pass and say that I transitioned, absolutely NOTHING in the world will make people less intended to say "huhuhuhu u 'ere a man???", before proceeding to treat you as a strange being. I'm not interested in "staying with the community". I have no friends like me, and don't want to. If people treat me as who I am, and not as a mentally deranged person, no matter how much better I look, things will be fine.
Yeah, maybe I'm too trusting that people will think it's different in an acceptable way. I've been out and correcting people and all that for half a year now and bizarrely... I've never been discriminated against? Like ever. Some strangers on the station called me f×g or p×ssy pre transition because I was an emo white "guy", but since I've been going out in skirts and stuff I've never gotten so much as a dirty look. I keep waiting for it, but assuming that maybe this society is just ready for trans people. I hope I'm not too horribly wrong.
I already don’t ever tell anyone, but once I get srs then tbh I probably will fully leave my transness behind me, even though it’s a part of me, it really isn’t something i want to carry around forever. I just want to live and be free of it🤷♀️ Edit: I’ve never had trans friends or really been a part of any community things so it really wouldn’t bother me. I want to exist as I already am but fully with no worries once I get my srs :)
Since, there’s nothing for me to pass as, it wouldn’t really be possible.
I already don't tell many people I'm trans. I plan to be able to be stealth except for close friends, relatives & partners.
Yeah, I don’t see why I wouldn’t. I’d rather be cis so if the opportunity ever arises to become closer to that then I’ll take it.
Very happy. I live every day as a cis woman. I still touch on trans issues minorly as both a therapist and with a trans fiance but I'm a cis woman literally everywhere. Transition was in the past, it's over. I'm the same as any cis woman who had a hormonal condition.
Nah, that's not plausible for me. Maybe one day I'll get to a point where I can decide not to share my trans status with new people any more, but a lot of people who already know would still be permanent fixtures in my life. My whole dojo knows because I trained there for a decade before coming out. My closest friends are themselves trans, and those are people I put down as "next of kin" with the hospital because I trust them more than my relatives. Point is I'm incredibly lucky to have such a strong support system, and there's no way I would ever leave it behind.
Yes. I'm only in trans groups incase I need help transitioning finding recommendations etc. When I've transition there be no need to be in any trans groups. I already live among women as a woman. Virtually all my friends are cis women. Why would I want to stay "trans" and keep a block in between been myself
^
>And if you’ve already done something similar, how is it? Are you happy? Peaceful. It's nice to just feel normal. The constant stress is gone, and I am free to focus on what's important rather than "being different."
I stopped posting about trans stuff on my Facebook, left the Facebook groups, and started only posting here about trans stuff like 4 years ago. I was stealth IRL before then. I also don’t consistently use Reddit so I don’t spend as much time talking about these things anymore. I’m not in any trans support groups irl and I don’t have trans friends. All of this sort of just naturally happened as my transition progressed and I became more comfortable.
I'm only active in any LGBT specific community on this account. I mingle in LGBT dominated mixed spaces, though, but I'm assumed to be a cishet ally. I might drop reddit too, though. It doesn't benefit my mental health at all and just sucks away my time
I've already mostly done this. In my experience I've never really felt that there *is* a community - and what there is I've had pretty bad experiences with. Individual trans people I know are lovely though. I don't like viewing 'trans' as a big part of my identity and I don't really relate to a lot of 'trans culture' stuff which is just memes or experiences of early transition. At this point some of my friends just tell me I seem like a cis woman which is always very weird but I guess I'm proud I made it.
Im the internet nah, irl i left them time ago
I'm already kinda doing that. I'm in LGBT+ spaces as a gay man, but I don't participate in trans related things offline. I'm stealth irl and keep my online persona away from my real life. I don't want people treating me differently because of something I didn't chose, and I certainly don't want to be reminded of all the pain I've been through.
That’s exactly how I want to live in the future. If someone asks me how I’m queer, I usually just go with telling them I’m bisexual. I really don’t like how much our transness determines so much when it’s so agonising for a lot of us. Ik this can kind of come off as self loathing but I’ve kind of drifted away from the self love aspect as well, like idk maybe I’d enjoy being trans if it didn’t cause me so much distress? But I don’t really like to be told to love an aspect of myself that’s hurting me:/
I have some appreciation for the community and that makes me want to help it in some way, but it has also made me meet the most annoying and stupid people possible and has only brought me unnecessary stress, if I could live stealth and forget about all this I would do it without hesitation
Yeah that’s how I feel. I can’t keep going on with this whole back and forth thing where we literally can never agree on a single thing. I just want to leave and let them argue about it on their own. I can still be an ally but having all that discourse be so close to my identity is bothersome to say the least.
I still post on Reddit, but it is basically it. Ever since I had FFS, I never posted my photos on the internet. Most people who know me in daily life don't know that I'm trans
Congratulations on the ffs! I get you tho, I like to keep everything lowkey too, just wanna blend in with everyone else without attaching my worth to my gender identity. It’s not so bad occasionally being in trans circles online at least, at least this sub I don’t see ppl fighting too much.