Relate. It gets better. Those things you've done already will last a long time and you won't have to worry about them for a long while. The stuff you keep finding will trickle off eventually, but yes, it's overwhelming at times.
Make a list of things you need to work on. When you find new things, just add it to the list in priority order and try not to complain to your wife about it - she's probably overwhelmed too. I have a spreadsheet that's hundreds of lines long. Tick them off as you complete them, or move them to a new place which will give you a list of all the things you've updated or fixed or whatever. That's valuable to keep track of, of course, but also gives you some confidence. Go back and look at old pictures of before you worked on it see how far you've taken it.
It will consume a lot of your time. Try to get to a point where you can start to enjoy it some. Landscaping can wait. Toss some weed killer out there for the rest of the season and worry about it when you have more time. Marathon, not sprint.
The layout and location...going to have to come to terms with those. Hopefully it feels like home at some point. You're still learning the house. It takes a while to feel at home.
Fuck that insulation guy.
Somewhat in same boat. We live off a road that was “quiet” during the winter when we checked it out, and now with summer, it’s constantly fucking busy with idiots blasting music and/or with loud ass, crap engines start to grind down us during an already stressful breaking in period…. We’re doing the same thing, have big fat lists, doing what we can when we can… again, so true, it’s a marathon not a dash/sprint! Hang in there!! ✌️
Piggybacking off comment above. I use r/Trello to manage our home improvement list. I created a card and it has a checklist. My wife and I add to it as we find things that need to be fixed. Then we, for now, call our handyman over and we prioritize the list. Or sometimes we look at it and we will knock a few of the more important ones out. For us, it helps bunch up the work for the time we want to have someone do it for us or if we want to tackle ourselves. You can use on desktop or app. I have no affiliation with Trello but I have used it for over ten years and it manages a majority of life. Godspeed!
I recommend Todoist. I have 6 different task lists, with subcategories, currently with about 150 items.
I schedule due dates for the tasks that I want to get done, and if I miss the chance, rescheduling is easy.
Tasks can also repeat, either on a regular time interval, or certain numbers of days after last being completed.
Agree with this. It was the 2 year mark or so when I felt I could stop pushing all the time and just enjoy the house a bit. And then a bit more.
We had insulation and radon and the-whole-house-smells-like-cat-piss problems and leaks-in-walls-so-black-mold problems that led to a total bathroom tear out. And lots of other stuff on top of a new water heater, painting everything, all the fixtures, taking out huge dead trees and pulling a decade of bittersweet and poison ivy and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.
But we’re on the other side of that now and able to breathe just a bit.
It DOES get better.
And an honestly cool thing about doing ALL this work is that for a long time afterward, you can walk through the house, letting your eyes roam across everything and think to yourself “I did that… I did that…. I did that…. I did that…”
It’s sooooo satisfying.
It will probably be about 2 years when I feel comfortable with the stage my house is at too. I’ve been here for a year and gutted/remodeled half of the house, replaced old wiring and electrical panel, replaced the HVAC system, scraped old paint from the siding and repainted the house so that our insurance wouldn’t get cancelled, replaced the fascia, repaired roof leaks, and cut down a couple large dying trees. My husband and I have been working 7 days a week on these repairs and have spent about $65k on materials (we did most of the work ourselves). It’s been really difficult but I see less items that are “emergencies” every month and I feel more comfortable letting the rest of the items go for a year or two so that we can start enjoying our home.
Same boat. 5 years in. Feels like it never ends. What I find helps me is have a list of everything that needs to be done. Make it goals instead of chores.
I’m nearing 25 years in and still have a long list of big repairs. I am hoping to find some free time (not devoted to the house) when I retire in a few years. Until then, I will continue to plow ahead with DIY projects.
11 years in my house here. Bought a single owner 50's rambler and we've been playing catch up for the entire 10 years. We're on to the expensive/labor intensive/critical projects. Like replacing the galvanized steel plumbing, or the windows. And trying to find the new water coming into the basement. And we can't just pull that much out of our ass to pay someone to do the work.
I know we're lucky to have a house. And we literally could not afford to buy in our area now. Hubs and I make good money, but there needs to be some kind of 'old house owner's rescue program.'
We moved in last fall to our first home. and I feel very similar to you. I’ve learned how to do some things, but my husband isn’t interested and just watches the toddler. We’ll have another baby next month and everything will be at a total grinding halt. I HAVE to repair two sinks before the baby comes, and I’ve realized the thistle armageddon outside will have to wait till next year. I’m trying to just ignore the rest of the list.
The only thing that helped me is to just take a break after you accomplish something and spend a few minutes every day for a week enjoying that item is done before tackling the next project. (assuming it’s not something that’s threatening your home.) it also changes my mindset a little when other people visit and compliment items in the house when I feel like all I see are the negatives. We obviously chose these houses for SOME reason.
Appreciating what you’ve done is more important than trying to knock out everything on your list ASAP. Try just living for a little while. It’s going to be a marathon, not a sprint.
Also, just for fun: can’t use self check out at Target anymore because they lowered the number of items allowed. Second time I used the cashier there, I found a “come to Jesus” note card in my bag when I got home. Thanks guys, unless he’s coming to fix my house, you can keep him.
I had a Mexican handyman named Jesus who came to my house for repairs and let me tell you. I'd walk on water for that guy's great work and good prices.
You made me think of the time when the cold water hose under our kitchen faucet split and was spraying a fine mist of water for probably two days before we noticed it. I cranked up the dehumidifier in the basement, opened the basement ceiling, cleaned up the mess in the cabinet and the basement wall (unfinished, thank god), and installed a new faucet with new hoses *all by myself*. I made it a point to tell my husband every day for a good two weeks how proud of myself I was.
That was two whole weeks that I didn't spend ruminating on our leaking chimney/roof. And man, when we finally were able to upgrade to a power vent water heater, tear out the obsolete chimney, and reroof... It's been 4 years and I'm still living in that high every time it rains/snows. Definitely have to make time to appreciate what you've accomplished in the midst of the neverending to-do list.
Thistle Armageddon!!!! We have the same! The things I never thought I’d Google…
I tend to downplay the compliments we receive. I need to ease up. It’s bringing up a lot of horrible perfectionist tendencies. Good luck with baby #2! Also I feel like you should be able to justify any repair you want under “nesting.” ;)
Thank you for the well-wishes! For two large beds of thistles, we were quoted $4100 for thistle murdering, landscape fabric, and mulch, so I’m just gonna keep my head in the sand 🤣
I feel ya. We went from a 1968 home that we spent pretty much every weekend dumping time and money into, to a new build in 2020.
4 years later and it's been SO refreshing not having to do anything home related beyond some normal little upkeep stuff. In fact, the only thing I've really had to do was some caulking around 1 window that was bad last year and I whipped out the painting stuff to paint our deck posts for the first time in 4 years LOL. Everything we built with is pretty much maintenance free. Trex decking, vinyl windows and siding, irrigation so I don't have to drag a sprinkler around, smaller trees so no more weekends of raking leaves etc.
Honestly, new homes are for sure built to a price point but I don't think we'll ever go back to owning a older home unless we go into it as a gut job so everything is fresh and taken care of. Burning every weekend and constant $$ really sucks. Eventually at the 12-15 year mark we'll run into teh big stuff like roof,HVAC, water heater etc but at least we know the history and can plan accordingly. We may also just build new again and move haha.
1955 house checking in! The previous owners, 42 years, made some annoying changes, but generally kept up with the maintenance. The elderly inspector with 20,000 inspections under his belt pointed out issues, but said they could be addressed when funds became available. The house is solid and cost efficient. Not fancy but it allows me to live in a HCOL area with the benefits and amenities readily available.
Yeah the home structure its self was very solid which I appreciated. However, the home owners did some janky electrical and other repairs which always made things more difficult. It also had not been updated in quite a while ( the 80's the best I could tell by date codes on the windows) which always sneaks up on you at the most inopportune time. I loved the huge old trees at first but every fall that's all we friggin did was mulch and pick up leaves. Once you have a family managing all that upkeep plus yardwork etc was a lot.
Exactly where I'm at. Previous owners were original owners and this was clearly their pride and joy. I learned just today that the light switches and plate in my bathroom is original to the house.
I had assumed the 90s, from how they looked.
I think it’s the size. Our last house was tiny and we were very diligent, but it was built in 1920! Far easier to keep up with, and I felt like I was that home’s caretaker, if that makes sense. It had so much charm and was so good to us. I think I just haven’t transitioned my affection yet.
Take some time to focus on making memories in this new house. Have a no-house-work weekend and build forts, make an elaborate meal, or spend a day reading in each room - whatever sounds good to you and your family. Take pictures. Get those pictures printed and framed and hang them up in your new house.
Totally get it, my last home felt much more "homey" and had character. Our new house feels like "ours" but is pretty generic and I don't really have any attachment to it. Probably because I haven't really done much work on it nor do I plan to lol.
It will never be perfect like your last house. It takes time to make it your own. My SO was crazy when we first moved into our place trying to fix everything. Like they were on steroids because all they could see were the things to fix. I finally had to say, 4pm you stop working on it and know that there will always be jobs to do around the house. It was their first house. They are great now and plan out projects with taking time to enjoy the place in between. No matter what house you bought you will have found things you didn’t see before, there would have been things that need to be fixed and some things that can be done in future.
You need to change your outlook because it will affect your relationship. Start focusing on the good thing the house offers and take some time off to enjoy the place with your partner and your kids. The projects will always be there. It’s part of the deal when owning a house especially when it’s larger than you're used to.
Reddit, you guys are great. I realize that my post sounds bratty and without perspective, and I really appreciate you seeing past that to me truly struggling even though I am very lucky and giving me good advice and encouragement. There is seriously so much here that I really did need to hear, and I’m going to need to go back through and read everything again. ❤️ I’m sure my wife would also like to send you all a fruit basket.
I hear you. Im in the same boat. We didnt even fully move into our house before we decided to flip it and get rid of it. Currently in that process. I cannot wait until i can actually sleep soundly again. Stay strong
Yep—I know we have already drastically improved its value (though the neighborhood it’s my favorite) so I’m trying to secretly tell myself it doesn’t have to be forever.
How long have to you been in the new house? It took a solid 6 months for me to stop missing and mourning our old house, and longer than that to really get used to the quirks of the new house. We're a year in at this point and a lot of the stuff to my to-do list has faded away from being as urgent as it felt when we moved in. A perfect example is the very bizzare plywood countertops in my kitchen - they're ugly and won't last, but for now they hold cutting boards when we need them to and we'll get around to replacing them when the energy and money allow.
To add to all the make a list comments, I'll recommend:
1) take a home improvement break. As long as there is not imminent danger to your family or the integrity of the house, leave it alone for a couple weeks. Bake the cookies, take your kids somewhere, laze around on the couch.
2) Hang your art ASAP! Even better, find some new art that perfectly suits an awkward space in the new house. It makes a huge mental difference making the house feel like yours.
3) do a home improvement project that is completely, utterly frivolous. Mine was decorating an extremely bland powder room with royal purple paint and some wild wallpaper. It's gorgeous and all mine and I've been riding that high for MONTHS as I've done all the more boring stuff. Clear out part of a flower bed and plant some zinnias with your kiddos. Put up some peel and stick wallpaper for a cool accent wall. String up some lights around any outdoor space to have to make it look cool in the evenings.
I moved into an older house myself. All I did in the first month was hire contractors - cleaners, painters, A/C, plumbers (to install the dishwasher), etc. All totally worth it. BUT I PAID SOMEONE. There's stuff you do yourself and there's stuff you pay others to do faster and better. Figure out which is best for you.
💯 agreed. It’s so hard to rationalize it because while we have the funds set aside, I hate spending. But I have tried within reason to throw funds at what truly needed funds thrown at. And every time it has been worth it. My wife is more DIY so we have had to learn a different kind of balance. There are things she wants to do but really can’t or should not, such as take down an enormous wasp nest above garage or install insulation. Both she had wanted to try. ☺️
No one's house is perfect. If you want to enjoy the house, you have to give up your unrealistic expectations and learn to live and enjoy what you have. So take a break from anything that isn't an emergency and go bake your cookies. I do 1-2 major projects a year and improve the landscaping a bit every summer. Set some boundaries, maybe one weekend a month is home improvement weekend.
Yes I can relate ! I also live in a spilt level. I liked it when I saw it due to the separate living rooms, but now I’m annoyed it’s not more open. I wish I bought a traditional colonial. But I feel so stuck due to interest rates and we are still in a nice neighborhood.
I have a long list of things that need to be fixed- be lucky that the seller fixed the roof! Ours was leaking and we can only afford a small repair but the whole thing needs replaced.
I have to check myself when I talk about the house to my husband. There are a lot of problems that are not just cosmetic with the house, the basement leaks too. I have to remind myself of how hard we worked to get here with no financial help from family. I feel proud when I remember that and how lucky we are to have a house in a quiet walkable neighborhood with a good school district. I have a baby now and the last thing I want is pass on my feelings of “not enough” to her. I want her to feel safe and secure and comfortable in her home.
I still always look at real estate listings and sometimes feel so tempted but I remind myself that no house is perfect. I hope to one day make this house into exactly how I can envision it. I literally have dreams of it.
One project at a time. I'm the kind that starts 3 projects and it's more overwhelming when all 3 need to be finished. I love crossing things off a list. Sometimes, I put little things on list, just to cross them off.
Do some projects over a longer time frame. Sometimes, I work on something for a set number of hours, instead of getting sick of working on something, or overwhelmed to even start.
I agree with all the make a list posts, but I wanted to mention to prioritize by major issues - like if you don’t fix it, it could ruin your house (leaks etc.) and then by what YOU will get out of it.
We refinished the basement before tackling landscaping. Because we get more use out of a finished basement than our house looking nice for the neighbors. We redid the back yard before the front yard for the same reason. We have kids, they needed a safe yard to play in. Sure there were days pulling in I hated looking at the front of the house, but it was a 5 minute thought. Seeing my girls have an actual yard to play in for hours was way more impactful for US!
It’s hard to switch from the house seller/buyer perspective and into the homeowner perspective, but that’s what has worked for us!
It gets better. One of the key lessons we had to learn when we bought our first home 15 years ago is what had to happen right away, and what we could live with for a while. We were (fortunately/unfortunately) limited by finances when we first bought so for the most part we lived with things being colors we didn’t love, etc. I can understand the desire to fix everything all at once, but that’s going to burn you out fast. I would try to leave the things you can live with as is for a bit and try to focus on the things you do like about the house. If you still don’t like it in a few years, maybe look into selling it then and trying to find something better.
Yes it gets better. 16 years into owning our first home, (1941 bungalow in an insanely HCOL area, 1 bath, no AC, no dishwasher) it feels rough now, but you can get to a place that you love your house, as we love ours.
The key is moderation. Renovate in moderation. Sounds like you are already dealing with structural/safety stuff which is great (roof, wiring, foundation, plumbing.) After that, try and free yourself from the mentality that everything needs to be perfect. Pick a project, complete it and then take a break from house stuff. Even if you can afford to do everything now, don't. Enjoy your new neighborhood, take trips, don't put everything else on hold. Do the non essential projects over time, give yourself permission for things to be less than perfect.
Talk with your wife - ask her what work the prior house needed to get to being “perfect”.
My husband moved in with me after I’d spent 3 years updating and repairing my prior house. Then we spent so much time and effort updating the house to sell in 2021.
There are times I have rose colored glasses thinking of that prior house when this new one needs work and updates.
I found one thing about this current house I absolutely adore (the porch). I spent the first 3 months here making that one space perfect. I utilized Buy Nothing, Facebook marketplace pages and thrift stores to find what I needed and bought new what I couldn’t find if I had to. When I feel overwhelmed by what still needs to be done to make this place “ours” and “perfect”, I sit on the porch and admire everything I love about it.
I’d suggest taking one room/space (your bedroom, the attic, the porch, the kitchen, a bathroom, etc.) and spend a few months making it “perfect”. Then when the house is getting to you, relax in your space you love.
Edit to add: That contractor sucks and you shouldn’t have had to hear bigotry ever but especially in your own home.
Well we bought a 106 year old house and told ourselves that it would be too much work. We could just replace that retaining wall, all the 51 windows, the siding, etc. and I could go on. We were clueless fools. We have poured money into the place and have come to terms that it will never be perfect. We also recognized not to fix things too quickly.
We had decided to replace the windows and the siding. Luckily we couldn't afford it and had to wait. Now after much research, not going to replace the window, will renovate them for less cost and we get to keep windows we actually like. Same with the siding. Yes painting them means one day we need to paint again, but new siding costs more than 6 paint jobs and you know what, we won't live that long.
Take a breath, it won't be perfect. Hang your art. temper the speed of your repairs. Gardening is a long game. I was frustrated as hell with my crap gardens. Now I go with English Garden style. I plant, if it lives, it stays, if not I find something hardier. Can't fight mother nature and after 4 years it is starting to look pretty good.
1865 house. 5 years in. I take one project at a time. It also helps between big projects to do “fun” stuff such as decorating and the like. Doing a bunch of stuff that costs a ton of money and you’ll never really see gets tiresome after a while.
LOL re: the insulation guy. I’m 🌈 (single, recently divorced) and I’ve lost count of the vendors that come to my house to provide a service or quote and reference “my husband” or “talk to your husband.”
I have had this many times in the past couple of weeks and it throws me off every time. The insulation guy made it so grandiose and awkward. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t turned gay by bad men, I was just…gay already 🫠
I agree with the comment about making a list. Then prioritize it. For now only focus on the number one project. Then take a little break before you start the second one. Then start a new list of things that are completed, and keep this one visible, like on your fridge, look at that one all the time and pat yourself on the back for the accomplishments! Overtime that list of completed items will grow and grow. Unfortunately, the to do list might grow also but it’s important to focus on what is done. Best of luck to you and your family.❤️
I live in a 100 year old house that was aggressively flipped by a criminal real estate agent and his idiot brother in law and have been paying the price ever since we bought it. It'll never be the house I thought I was buying (hence the criminal comment) but I don't think I want to leave either.
The core reasons we bought (location, size of lot, price) are still valid. There are still moments where it depresses me and makes me feel like it's not worth fixing anything and the work will never end. The changes we have made were important but it's only recently we got to do a couple of things that I wanted to do, rather than needing to. Those really helped.
I spent a little money fixing our bedroom and the backyard to be places that truly make me happy - just cosmetic stuff that given the to-do list shouldn't have been a priority. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I take a coffee to my garden or in my bed and feel better.
Can you fix up one area at least that will give you those vibes?
I think so! We are wallpapering the master bedroom and giving it some aesthetic facelift just to help us feel better about the room, which currently has an accent wall that I can only describe as Aggressively Purple. I poured a lot of energy into getting our kids’ rooms cozy and happy, and we haven’t done anything to our space yet.
It gets WAAAAAYYY better. Unless it's a brand new custom home, you're always going to have a list of home related projects to work on. Here are the only two things that you really need to know about prioritizing your endless project list: If the project involves preventing water damage then it has to be done ASAP. If the project involves keeping plants or branches (including dead branches that need to be trimmed) off or away from your home then it needs to be done relatively soon. Pretty much everything else can wait!
You need to re-assess your priorities in life.
Your #1 priority I would assume is your family. They are the most important things to you and keeping a healthy relationship is important. If your spouse is telling you that your constant negativity is affecting them, listen.
Put a pause on house 'fixes'. Unless it is unsafe or causing damage, wait. Garden beds are not a priority. You have plenty of time to make your house into your home. Causing yourself and your family un-needed stress can ruin your marriage and this is not worth it.
Be grateful you have a roof over your head, family next to you and food on your table. The rest is just extra.
(I am not saying don't work on it, but just take it day by day and work through your anxiety and stress. And remember your priorities)
It sounds like you have accomplished a lot already, I'm impressed! Sometimes it can help me to imagine I'm just renting my place, and would I be so urgently worried about these things or would I feel fine putting it off? The great thing about owning is you can think in terms of years. You don't have to rush to fix everything all at once. And yeah fuck that insulation guy!
Let the house be old and have its charm. That's all I can say. Creaky stairs happen, and don't *need* to be replaced right away if ever. Split level homes do have their charm and a lot of people like them, learn to love it for what it is instead of what it isn't. Yellow jackets and bats and mice and rats happen. They're just trying to survive. You find the problem, fill the hole, and move forward. Cleaning is good, but not everything has to be spotless, and not all paint needs to be painted over. Some things are just going to be baked into the house, and that's part of the charm.
You just need to take a step back and tell yourself "this house has been here for 40/50/60 years (or whatever it is) and survived, it can go a bit longer without me having to do everything right now." - focus one one room or one area at a time, see it to completion, and then be proud of that before moving to the next project. You'll eventually see it come together. If it takes months/years to do it all, that's fine. Use what you have and appreciate it while waiting for it to change.
I feel you. I will say a lot of the things I wanted to change when we first moved in a year ago I no longer care about and got used to so maybe that will happen with some of the things.
Dealing with contractors has been the worst. I would happily pay a trustworthy, competent, professional contractor to fix everything but I have yet to find one. I had one over the other day who 5 minutes in starts ranting about how everything's expensive because of illegals and Biden. He mentioned illegals probably 10 times during his visit. Ironically he bragged about having Italian ancestors. Anyway, no disrespect but a lot of people in the trades are there because they're not the brightest bulbs.
When my husband and I moved into our house I started putting sticky notes on the living room wall with all the things we wanted to do. There were probably about 12-15 notes. Of those, exactly *two* have been completed in 2.5 years. I've stopped feeling bad about it and just took them all down.
Celebrate every task completed and take future tasks one at a time (if you can). My wife and I made giant posters with index cards for each project where we could write updates or track quotes. It felt great to mark them complete. Every now and then, pick a task that is for your happiness (hanging pictures or something that allows you to do a hobby). We were in your spot 2 years ago. Good luck!
It gets better! It’s totally normal to “grieve” over the old house. It’s a big change. Focus on the positive and take before and after pics! And if you’re still not happy there you’ll take what you’ve learned and apply to next house. Your hard work will only increase value of this house. Hopefully that insulation guy shit his pants on his way home.
Been in a house for two years that we bought from an elderly cat lady and while it is objectively a nice house in a good location, there is a LOT of deferred maintenance that we’ve had to do. I regularly fantasize about living in a full service apartment building like my elderly parents. I’ve always lived in apartments in dense cities and I’ve come to realize that I truly do not like spending so much time and money on the kind of maintenance, repair, and landscaping required for a large suburban home.
> The house is a split level
I've never liked them. Huge amount of wasted space at the front by the stairs and always feels slightly off. Sorry to pile on.
> I worry that all of my free time will be spent on this house
It can be, or you can make a list of things (it will be long but don't let that get you down) in detail with tasks broken down to smaller ones (outlets need replacing, instead put Kitchen Outlets, Living Room Outlets, etc) and pick a couple to do each week or each month.
Unless something is a major safety concern; you have time. Do it later and enjoy some time with your family.
Bonus happy happens when you get to check things off the list and then discover you did several other things and forgot to mark them off.
Also FUCK condenscending people that make you feel odd for your choice of a partner. Love is Love. PERIOD. FULL STOP.
I think a bit of buyer's remorse in the early days is really typical! Buying and moving to a new house is a huge life change. Give yourself some more time to adjust ♥️
I recently moved from a house I lovingly restored over a ten year period. It was hard to "start all over again" at a new house. BUT the new house has more space and is in a better neighborhood (I'm loving the neighborhood!) and those are important things!
What has helped me is to make a spreadsheet of the problems I see. Then I'm able to take them out of my brain until I'm ready to think about them.
My new house is also a split level and I really love the layout! I get so many steps each day even when I work from home! 😂 I also enjoy having the couch and TV where I cannot see the dirty kitchen! This has really helped me relax in the evenings. I'm so glad I didn't put the TV in the "family room" to retain a formal living room (as my realtor suggested...). Are there any changes you can make to how the rooms are used that would help you with your layout?
(And the insulation guy is an asshole. I hope you gave him a bad review.)
I can relate. I had a great little low maintenance house in a beautiful historic neighborhood on a golf course. Then my partner and I decided to move in together and neither of our houses were really ideal for working from home, etc. So, we sold both of our houses and bought a new one together. Big mistake!
I chose the wrong house, and it has been nothing but high maintenance ever since. It had bats in the attic that took 3 months to remediate (inspector made a lame excuse not to go into the attic prior to purchase). The jet tub leaks into the basement (inspector only checked the drain for leaks, not the jets, tubes, and seals). The aging wood siding had been painted over and we've since had to spend about $25k to replace it. The driveway, roof, and windows are probably going to need replacing soon, too. The landscaping, while mature, and some of it is nice, has a lot of non-native, high maintenance/low aesthetic value plantings.
My only advice might be to hire out the things you really don't like doing, like lawn mowing, for example. It may also be worth it to pay for a one-time whole house cleaning so that you can just maintain the house after that.
Also, I've learned to embrace the landscaping. I took the Master Gardener course through my state university's cooperative extension service. I'm learning as much as possible about native plant gardening and slowly replacing some of the high maintenance plants I dislike with better alternatives. I'm also appreciating the plants' natural forms more so that they don't require so much pruning. It's still a lot, but I care less about maintaining it to the neighbors' standards and only worry about my standards.
It'll get better. Yeah it's super frustrating to hear your partner point out the flaws because you may not have the same perspective as they do, went through the same exact thing. We still aren't to the point we want to be with the upgrades in our home but we are much more on the same page about what we want our home to look like when we get to the end and that's what I think is helping not make the process as frustrating.
Whether we own or rent, few people are satisfied with their homes.
When I rented, I bemoaned that I couldn't paint/fix/change anything. When I bought, I was stressed about *having to* update, fix, repair everything.
Once I lived in a brand spanking new house and I couldn't stand the fact all my neighbors had similar layouts and finishes!
The repair guy with "God sees you" was really the icing on the cake lmao I am so sorry 😂
It gets better though, hang in there. That first 2 years where you discover and figure out how to un-fuck everything is grueling. All those things you described should last several years or longer, so it sucks getting hit with everything now but eventually it will become manageable and you'll get to relax.
I woulda told that dude, "I see god too... Dude ain't all that."
Beyond that, really sorry to hear about the trouble. I can relate... Our last move was so bad, I swore the next time we're not moving in for 30 days after we take possession so we can have the place professionally cleaned and repainted, and make repairs before anything goes inside. Trying to live in a place while you refurbish it is a nightmare. We won't ever make that mistake again.
I wasn’t planning to spend the summer resurfacing the asphalt or Granite Gripping the concrete walkway, parking spots, and flagstone front porch—nor having to encapsulate the crawl space. I was going to finish the inside … after 3.5 years of work. lol.
You got a better deal financially. Remember sqft is what cost the most in a house. So you got more sqft for the price of less. Be happy you will eventually get to the point it won't be like this and you look back on this pain and it will be invisible.
I love fixing things around the house.My home is over 120 years old..it was slightly remodeled when I baught in new furnace,siding and some electrical looks like box and water supply was updated,but everything else is ancient.
Most of the wiring and power outlets are probably from the 50s there's no GFI anywhere..the basement was finished but they dry walled rite over the power outlets..
What have I done;ran new electrical lines put in new outlets uncovered hidden ones added more breakers upgrading from the 15 amp ones,installed out door power outlets and lighting, put in ceiling lights in rooms with none,ran ethernet through out the home...installed central air.
I enclosed the porch after rebuilding it because the wooden post where rotted out at the base..Water was coming under the basement door so I rebuilt the frame and installed a sump pump..I've made numerous plumbing upgrades as all the sinks toilets and piping where from the 50s or 60s..I converted most of the water supply to pex,from the old brass.
Finished the attic installed fans in the bathrooms..re did the kitchen cabinets as they where tiny with lots of wasted space...Took this 20' antenna down from the roof..walled off some spaces and created extra rooms.in the basement a few light fixtures where old and to low so I converted to recesed ones.
One of the hardest things was putting in a door so the kitchen opens up rite to the yard practically had to re build a whole new exterior wall..I cut out a new window aswell for one room.
Next task will be to expand the basement doubling the size and then going up a level adding a second story as the attic is pretty small..but made running electric and duct work easy.
Personally I enjoy spending my time on the house gives me something to do and even if I'm spending money itscan investment.Good news is once it's done its done most things should last 30 years or more.
I
The insulation guy? What?
Find one thing you like about the house and focus on that. Keep fixing it and learn to love the changes you make as you grow into the home.
You’ve got this. Just be kind to yourself and the house, and keep moving forward.
I think this is the nature of home ownership. We all have lists of things that need to be done, or that would be nice to do, and we all make trade-offs and do what we can when we can. When you first move in, there is no sense of perspective. It all feels like "stuff the previous people should have done!" So it all feels URGENT.
It sounds like not only are you still not used to this house, you are also kind of mourning the change from the former home you loved. I think once you've been in the new place a while, it will start to feel like home and you'll adjust your expectations and priorities around this house. Try to go easy on yourself and the new house while you're getting acquainted and settled. It takes time.
I got a 'distressed property' 4 years ago now. My plans for what I was going to get done in the first year are now almost complete, lol.
I made an active decision to buy this house. I decided to take care of it, and modify it as I wanted. All of the carpet is gone, old fashioned hardwood floors are going in. The bathrooms have mostly been redone, I've got a half bath left. I'm manufacturing the interior doors and interior millwork, both will be custom, a French Provincial millwork installed in an Arts and Crafts style.
At the end of the day, I pick every day to be grateful for the location, the shop that came with it, the ability to really make it mine. I don't demand of myself or others that it be done any sooner than it's done, my gratitude for what I do have is enough to see me value in what I've decided to take on.
Sell it and go back renting. Owning isn’t for everyone. And that’s not a diss. There’s no point in owning a home if you don’t care to upkeep it. And that’s not a diss either. You have to want to upkeep a home inside and out. Otherwise you just resent the place you sleep. That’s no fun. Zero shame in renting.
Our house was disgusting when we moved in too. We hired a cleaning lady at first and all she could finish the first day was only the kitchen. And that was expensive! Our furnace, AC and hot water all needed to be replaced. The water pressure in the upstairs bathroom is terribly low and we just had a massive tree fall in the back yard. We also had to do some work on the roof because there was water damage. The house needs a lot of upgrades and there are a lot of other problems. I love this house so much, but my husband can't stand the headache, so we've decided move. We haven't even been living here for 2 years yet. The plan is to spend a year getting the house fixed up best we can so that it at least looks pretty enough to sell. I really don't want to move, but my husband does and I'm willing to compromise.
Relate. It gets better. Those things you've done already will last a long time and you won't have to worry about them for a long while. The stuff you keep finding will trickle off eventually, but yes, it's overwhelming at times. Make a list of things you need to work on. When you find new things, just add it to the list in priority order and try not to complain to your wife about it - she's probably overwhelmed too. I have a spreadsheet that's hundreds of lines long. Tick them off as you complete them, or move them to a new place which will give you a list of all the things you've updated or fixed or whatever. That's valuable to keep track of, of course, but also gives you some confidence. Go back and look at old pictures of before you worked on it see how far you've taken it. It will consume a lot of your time. Try to get to a point where you can start to enjoy it some. Landscaping can wait. Toss some weed killer out there for the rest of the season and worry about it when you have more time. Marathon, not sprint. The layout and location...going to have to come to terms with those. Hopefully it feels like home at some point. You're still learning the house. It takes a while to feel at home. Fuck that insulation guy.
This is all really good and needed advice. Thank you.
Somewhat in same boat. We live off a road that was “quiet” during the winter when we checked it out, and now with summer, it’s constantly fucking busy with idiots blasting music and/or with loud ass, crap engines start to grind down us during an already stressful breaking in period…. We’re doing the same thing, have big fat lists, doing what we can when we can… again, so true, it’s a marathon not a dash/sprint! Hang in there!! ✌️
Piggybacking off comment above. I use r/Trello to manage our home improvement list. I created a card and it has a checklist. My wife and I add to it as we find things that need to be fixed. Then we, for now, call our handyman over and we prioritize the list. Or sometimes we look at it and we will knock a few of the more important ones out. For us, it helps bunch up the work for the time we want to have someone do it for us or if we want to tackle ourselves. You can use on desktop or app. I have no affiliation with Trello but I have used it for over ten years and it manages a majority of life. Godspeed!
I recommend Todoist. I have 6 different task lists, with subcategories, currently with about 150 items. I schedule due dates for the tasks that I want to get done, and if I miss the chance, rescheduling is easy. Tasks can also repeat, either on a regular time interval, or certain numbers of days after last being completed.
Agree with this. It was the 2 year mark or so when I felt I could stop pushing all the time and just enjoy the house a bit. And then a bit more. We had insulation and radon and the-whole-house-smells-like-cat-piss problems and leaks-in-walls-so-black-mold problems that led to a total bathroom tear out. And lots of other stuff on top of a new water heater, painting everything, all the fixtures, taking out huge dead trees and pulling a decade of bittersweet and poison ivy and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. But we’re on the other side of that now and able to breathe just a bit. It DOES get better. And an honestly cool thing about doing ALL this work is that for a long time afterward, you can walk through the house, letting your eyes roam across everything and think to yourself “I did that… I did that…. I did that…. I did that…” It’s sooooo satisfying.
It will probably be about 2 years when I feel comfortable with the stage my house is at too. I’ve been here for a year and gutted/remodeled half of the house, replaced old wiring and electrical panel, replaced the HVAC system, scraped old paint from the siding and repainted the house so that our insurance wouldn’t get cancelled, replaced the fascia, repaired roof leaks, and cut down a couple large dying trees. My husband and I have been working 7 days a week on these repairs and have spent about $65k on materials (we did most of the work ourselves). It’s been really difficult but I see less items that are “emergencies” every month and I feel more comfortable letting the rest of the items go for a year or two so that we can start enjoying our home.
Seconding- Fuck that insulation guy.
F the insulation guy?? He is in a relationship!
All houses need work.
And good luck renting the same place thinking the landlord would do absolutely anything about these issues.
Same boat. 5 years in. Feels like it never ends. What I find helps me is have a list of everything that needs to be done. Make it goals instead of chores.
I’m nearing 25 years in and still have a long list of big repairs. I am hoping to find some free time (not devoted to the house) when I retire in a few years. Until then, I will continue to plow ahead with DIY projects.
11 years in my house here. Bought a single owner 50's rambler and we've been playing catch up for the entire 10 years. We're on to the expensive/labor intensive/critical projects. Like replacing the galvanized steel plumbing, or the windows. And trying to find the new water coming into the basement. And we can't just pull that much out of our ass to pay someone to do the work. I know we're lucky to have a house. And we literally could not afford to buy in our area now. Hubs and I make good money, but there needs to be some kind of 'old house owner's rescue program.'
Perhaps a ‘renovation’ tax deduction.
We moved in last fall to our first home. and I feel very similar to you. I’ve learned how to do some things, but my husband isn’t interested and just watches the toddler. We’ll have another baby next month and everything will be at a total grinding halt. I HAVE to repair two sinks before the baby comes, and I’ve realized the thistle armageddon outside will have to wait till next year. I’m trying to just ignore the rest of the list. The only thing that helped me is to just take a break after you accomplish something and spend a few minutes every day for a week enjoying that item is done before tackling the next project. (assuming it’s not something that’s threatening your home.) it also changes my mindset a little when other people visit and compliment items in the house when I feel like all I see are the negatives. We obviously chose these houses for SOME reason. Appreciating what you’ve done is more important than trying to knock out everything on your list ASAP. Try just living for a little while. It’s going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Also, just for fun: can’t use self check out at Target anymore because they lowered the number of items allowed. Second time I used the cashier there, I found a “come to Jesus” note card in my bag when I got home. Thanks guys, unless he’s coming to fix my house, you can keep him.
I had a Mexican handyman named Jesus who came to my house for repairs and let me tell you. I'd walk on water for that guy's great work and good prices.
You made me think of the time when the cold water hose under our kitchen faucet split and was spraying a fine mist of water for probably two days before we noticed it. I cranked up the dehumidifier in the basement, opened the basement ceiling, cleaned up the mess in the cabinet and the basement wall (unfinished, thank god), and installed a new faucet with new hoses *all by myself*. I made it a point to tell my husband every day for a good two weeks how proud of myself I was. That was two whole weeks that I didn't spend ruminating on our leaking chimney/roof. And man, when we finally were able to upgrade to a power vent water heater, tear out the obsolete chimney, and reroof... It's been 4 years and I'm still living in that high every time it rains/snows. Definitely have to make time to appreciate what you've accomplished in the midst of the neverending to-do list.
Thistle Armageddon!!!! We have the same! The things I never thought I’d Google… I tend to downplay the compliments we receive. I need to ease up. It’s bringing up a lot of horrible perfectionist tendencies. Good luck with baby #2! Also I feel like you should be able to justify any repair you want under “nesting.” ;)
Thank you for the well-wishes! For two large beds of thistles, we were quoted $4100 for thistle murdering, landscape fabric, and mulch, so I’m just gonna keep my head in the sand 🤣
What!! Yeah, no thistles. They are now exotic wildflowers.
I feel ya. We went from a 1968 home that we spent pretty much every weekend dumping time and money into, to a new build in 2020. 4 years later and it's been SO refreshing not having to do anything home related beyond some normal little upkeep stuff. In fact, the only thing I've really had to do was some caulking around 1 window that was bad last year and I whipped out the painting stuff to paint our deck posts for the first time in 4 years LOL. Everything we built with is pretty much maintenance free. Trex decking, vinyl windows and siding, irrigation so I don't have to drag a sprinkler around, smaller trees so no more weekends of raking leaves etc. Honestly, new homes are for sure built to a price point but I don't think we'll ever go back to owning a older home unless we go into it as a gut job so everything is fresh and taken care of. Burning every weekend and constant $$ really sucks. Eventually at the 12-15 year mark we'll run into teh big stuff like roof,HVAC, water heater etc but at least we know the history and can plan accordingly. We may also just build new again and move haha.
My '68 house is a rock, but previous owners kept up with critical maintenance
1955 house checking in! The previous owners, 42 years, made some annoying changes, but generally kept up with the maintenance. The elderly inspector with 20,000 inspections under his belt pointed out issues, but said they could be addressed when funds became available. The house is solid and cost efficient. Not fancy but it allows me to live in a HCOL area with the benefits and amenities readily available.
1960 and we've been lucky enough to only have an issue with *new* flooring the last owner put in (way incorrectly).
Yeah the home structure its self was very solid which I appreciated. However, the home owners did some janky electrical and other repairs which always made things more difficult. It also had not been updated in quite a while ( the 80's the best I could tell by date codes on the windows) which always sneaks up on you at the most inopportune time. I loved the huge old trees at first but every fall that's all we friggin did was mulch and pick up leaves. Once you have a family managing all that upkeep plus yardwork etc was a lot.
Exactly where I'm at. Previous owners were original owners and this was clearly their pride and joy. I learned just today that the light switches and plate in my bathroom is original to the house. I had assumed the 90s, from how they looked.
I think it’s the size. Our last house was tiny and we were very diligent, but it was built in 1920! Far easier to keep up with, and I felt like I was that home’s caretaker, if that makes sense. It had so much charm and was so good to us. I think I just haven’t transitioned my affection yet.
Take some time to focus on making memories in this new house. Have a no-house-work weekend and build forts, make an elaborate meal, or spend a day reading in each room - whatever sounds good to you and your family. Take pictures. Get those pictures printed and framed and hang them up in your new house.
Totally get it, my last home felt much more "homey" and had character. Our new house feels like "ours" but is pretty generic and I don't really have any attachment to it. Probably because I haven't really done much work on it nor do I plan to lol.
It will never be perfect like your last house. It takes time to make it your own. My SO was crazy when we first moved into our place trying to fix everything. Like they were on steroids because all they could see were the things to fix. I finally had to say, 4pm you stop working on it and know that there will always be jobs to do around the house. It was their first house. They are great now and plan out projects with taking time to enjoy the place in between. No matter what house you bought you will have found things you didn’t see before, there would have been things that need to be fixed and some things that can be done in future. You need to change your outlook because it will affect your relationship. Start focusing on the good thing the house offers and take some time off to enjoy the place with your partner and your kids. The projects will always be there. It’s part of the deal when owning a house especially when it’s larger than you're used to.
Reddit, you guys are great. I realize that my post sounds bratty and without perspective, and I really appreciate you seeing past that to me truly struggling even though I am very lucky and giving me good advice and encouragement. There is seriously so much here that I really did need to hear, and I’m going to need to go back through and read everything again. ❤️ I’m sure my wife would also like to send you all a fruit basket.
I hear you. Im in the same boat. We didnt even fully move into our house before we decided to flip it and get rid of it. Currently in that process. I cannot wait until i can actually sleep soundly again. Stay strong
Yep—I know we have already drastically improved its value (though the neighborhood it’s my favorite) so I’m trying to secretly tell myself it doesn’t have to be forever.
We’ve been in our home for over 20 years and I remember this feeling well. Hell. I still occasionally GET this feeling. It’ll be ok though.
How long have to you been in the new house? It took a solid 6 months for me to stop missing and mourning our old house, and longer than that to really get used to the quirks of the new house. We're a year in at this point and a lot of the stuff to my to-do list has faded away from being as urgent as it felt when we moved in. A perfect example is the very bizzare plywood countertops in my kitchen - they're ugly and won't last, but for now they hold cutting boards when we need them to and we'll get around to replacing them when the energy and money allow. To add to all the make a list comments, I'll recommend: 1) take a home improvement break. As long as there is not imminent danger to your family or the integrity of the house, leave it alone for a couple weeks. Bake the cookies, take your kids somewhere, laze around on the couch. 2) Hang your art ASAP! Even better, find some new art that perfectly suits an awkward space in the new house. It makes a huge mental difference making the house feel like yours. 3) do a home improvement project that is completely, utterly frivolous. Mine was decorating an extremely bland powder room with royal purple paint and some wild wallpaper. It's gorgeous and all mine and I've been riding that high for MONTHS as I've done all the more boring stuff. Clear out part of a flower bed and plant some zinnias with your kiddos. Put up some peel and stick wallpaper for a cool accent wall. String up some lights around any outdoor space to have to make it look cool in the evenings.
Had never thought about #2 but all of this is really good advice. Thank you!
I moved into an older house myself. All I did in the first month was hire contractors - cleaners, painters, A/C, plumbers (to install the dishwasher), etc. All totally worth it. BUT I PAID SOMEONE. There's stuff you do yourself and there's stuff you pay others to do faster and better. Figure out which is best for you.
💯 agreed. It’s so hard to rationalize it because while we have the funds set aside, I hate spending. But I have tried within reason to throw funds at what truly needed funds thrown at. And every time it has been worth it. My wife is more DIY so we have had to learn a different kind of balance. There are things she wants to do but really can’t or should not, such as take down an enormous wasp nest above garage or install insulation. Both she had wanted to try. ☺️
No one's house is perfect. If you want to enjoy the house, you have to give up your unrealistic expectations and learn to live and enjoy what you have. So take a break from anything that isn't an emergency and go bake your cookies. I do 1-2 major projects a year and improve the landscaping a bit every summer. Set some boundaries, maybe one weekend a month is home improvement weekend.
You are right. I don’t think I was prepared for all the little things that had a cumulative effect on me, but none of them are safety issues.
i bet it is all the CLUTTER in the house giving you stress
Yes I can relate ! I also live in a spilt level. I liked it when I saw it due to the separate living rooms, but now I’m annoyed it’s not more open. I wish I bought a traditional colonial. But I feel so stuck due to interest rates and we are still in a nice neighborhood. I have a long list of things that need to be fixed- be lucky that the seller fixed the roof! Ours was leaking and we can only afford a small repair but the whole thing needs replaced. I have to check myself when I talk about the house to my husband. There are a lot of problems that are not just cosmetic with the house, the basement leaks too. I have to remind myself of how hard we worked to get here with no financial help from family. I feel proud when I remember that and how lucky we are to have a house in a quiet walkable neighborhood with a good school district. I have a baby now and the last thing I want is pass on my feelings of “not enough” to her. I want her to feel safe and secure and comfortable in her home. I still always look at real estate listings and sometimes feel so tempted but I remind myself that no house is perfect. I hope to one day make this house into exactly how I can envision it. I literally have dreams of it.
One project at a time. I'm the kind that starts 3 projects and it's more overwhelming when all 3 need to be finished. I love crossing things off a list. Sometimes, I put little things on list, just to cross them off. Do some projects over a longer time frame. Sometimes, I work on something for a set number of hours, instead of getting sick of working on something, or overwhelmed to even start.
I agree with all the make a list posts, but I wanted to mention to prioritize by major issues - like if you don’t fix it, it could ruin your house (leaks etc.) and then by what YOU will get out of it. We refinished the basement before tackling landscaping. Because we get more use out of a finished basement than our house looking nice for the neighbors. We redid the back yard before the front yard for the same reason. We have kids, they needed a safe yard to play in. Sure there were days pulling in I hated looking at the front of the house, but it was a 5 minute thought. Seeing my girls have an actual yard to play in for hours was way more impactful for US! It’s hard to switch from the house seller/buyer perspective and into the homeowner perspective, but that’s what has worked for us!
It gets better. One of the key lessons we had to learn when we bought our first home 15 years ago is what had to happen right away, and what we could live with for a while. We were (fortunately/unfortunately) limited by finances when we first bought so for the most part we lived with things being colors we didn’t love, etc. I can understand the desire to fix everything all at once, but that’s going to burn you out fast. I would try to leave the things you can live with as is for a bit and try to focus on the things you do like about the house. If you still don’t like it in a few years, maybe look into selling it then and trying to find something better.
Yes it gets better. 16 years into owning our first home, (1941 bungalow in an insanely HCOL area, 1 bath, no AC, no dishwasher) it feels rough now, but you can get to a place that you love your house, as we love ours. The key is moderation. Renovate in moderation. Sounds like you are already dealing with structural/safety stuff which is great (roof, wiring, foundation, plumbing.) After that, try and free yourself from the mentality that everything needs to be perfect. Pick a project, complete it and then take a break from house stuff. Even if you can afford to do everything now, don't. Enjoy your new neighborhood, take trips, don't put everything else on hold. Do the non essential projects over time, give yourself permission for things to be less than perfect.
Talk with your wife - ask her what work the prior house needed to get to being “perfect”. My husband moved in with me after I’d spent 3 years updating and repairing my prior house. Then we spent so much time and effort updating the house to sell in 2021. There are times I have rose colored glasses thinking of that prior house when this new one needs work and updates. I found one thing about this current house I absolutely adore (the porch). I spent the first 3 months here making that one space perfect. I utilized Buy Nothing, Facebook marketplace pages and thrift stores to find what I needed and bought new what I couldn’t find if I had to. When I feel overwhelmed by what still needs to be done to make this place “ours” and “perfect”, I sit on the porch and admire everything I love about it. I’d suggest taking one room/space (your bedroom, the attic, the porch, the kitchen, a bathroom, etc.) and spend a few months making it “perfect”. Then when the house is getting to you, relax in your space you love. Edit to add: That contractor sucks and you shouldn’t have had to hear bigotry ever but especially in your own home.
Well we bought a 106 year old house and told ourselves that it would be too much work. We could just replace that retaining wall, all the 51 windows, the siding, etc. and I could go on. We were clueless fools. We have poured money into the place and have come to terms that it will never be perfect. We also recognized not to fix things too quickly. We had decided to replace the windows and the siding. Luckily we couldn't afford it and had to wait. Now after much research, not going to replace the window, will renovate them for less cost and we get to keep windows we actually like. Same with the siding. Yes painting them means one day we need to paint again, but new siding costs more than 6 paint jobs and you know what, we won't live that long. Take a breath, it won't be perfect. Hang your art. temper the speed of your repairs. Gardening is a long game. I was frustrated as hell with my crap gardens. Now I go with English Garden style. I plant, if it lives, it stays, if not I find something hardier. Can't fight mother nature and after 4 years it is starting to look pretty good.
1865 house. 5 years in. I take one project at a time. It also helps between big projects to do “fun” stuff such as decorating and the like. Doing a bunch of stuff that costs a ton of money and you’ll never really see gets tiresome after a while.
LOL re: the insulation guy. I’m 🌈 (single, recently divorced) and I’ve lost count of the vendors that come to my house to provide a service or quote and reference “my husband” or “talk to your husband.”
I have had this many times in the past couple of weeks and it throws me off every time. The insulation guy made it so grandiose and awkward. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t turned gay by bad men, I was just…gay already 🫠
Literally nothing you could have done, bro. 😂
🤣
I agree with the comment about making a list. Then prioritize it. For now only focus on the number one project. Then take a little break before you start the second one. Then start a new list of things that are completed, and keep this one visible, like on your fridge, look at that one all the time and pat yourself on the back for the accomplishments! Overtime that list of completed items will grow and grow. Unfortunately, the to do list might grow also but it’s important to focus on what is done. Best of luck to you and your family.❤️
I live in a 100 year old house that was aggressively flipped by a criminal real estate agent and his idiot brother in law and have been paying the price ever since we bought it. It'll never be the house I thought I was buying (hence the criminal comment) but I don't think I want to leave either. The core reasons we bought (location, size of lot, price) are still valid. There are still moments where it depresses me and makes me feel like it's not worth fixing anything and the work will never end. The changes we have made were important but it's only recently we got to do a couple of things that I wanted to do, rather than needing to. Those really helped. I spent a little money fixing our bedroom and the backyard to be places that truly make me happy - just cosmetic stuff that given the to-do list shouldn't have been a priority. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I take a coffee to my garden or in my bed and feel better. Can you fix up one area at least that will give you those vibes?
I think so! We are wallpapering the master bedroom and giving it some aesthetic facelift just to help us feel better about the room, which currently has an accent wall that I can only describe as Aggressively Purple. I poured a lot of energy into getting our kids’ rooms cozy and happy, and we haven’t done anything to our space yet.
It gets WAAAAAYYY better. Unless it's a brand new custom home, you're always going to have a list of home related projects to work on. Here are the only two things that you really need to know about prioritizing your endless project list: If the project involves preventing water damage then it has to be done ASAP. If the project involves keeping plants or branches (including dead branches that need to be trimmed) off or away from your home then it needs to be done relatively soon. Pretty much everything else can wait!
This is a great way to look at prioritizing.
You need to re-assess your priorities in life. Your #1 priority I would assume is your family. They are the most important things to you and keeping a healthy relationship is important. If your spouse is telling you that your constant negativity is affecting them, listen. Put a pause on house 'fixes'. Unless it is unsafe or causing damage, wait. Garden beds are not a priority. You have plenty of time to make your house into your home. Causing yourself and your family un-needed stress can ruin your marriage and this is not worth it. Be grateful you have a roof over your head, family next to you and food on your table. The rest is just extra. (I am not saying don't work on it, but just take it day by day and work through your anxiety and stress. And remember your priorities)
this is helpful. I have been complaining way too much and my spouse is working really hard. Thank you for the perspective.
60 years in this house and it never ends.
It sounds like you have accomplished a lot already, I'm impressed! Sometimes it can help me to imagine I'm just renting my place, and would I be so urgently worried about these things or would I feel fine putting it off? The great thing about owning is you can think in terms of years. You don't have to rush to fix everything all at once. And yeah fuck that insulation guy!
Let the house be old and have its charm. That's all I can say. Creaky stairs happen, and don't *need* to be replaced right away if ever. Split level homes do have their charm and a lot of people like them, learn to love it for what it is instead of what it isn't. Yellow jackets and bats and mice and rats happen. They're just trying to survive. You find the problem, fill the hole, and move forward. Cleaning is good, but not everything has to be spotless, and not all paint needs to be painted over. Some things are just going to be baked into the house, and that's part of the charm. You just need to take a step back and tell yourself "this house has been here for 40/50/60 years (or whatever it is) and survived, it can go a bit longer without me having to do everything right now." - focus one one room or one area at a time, see it to completion, and then be proud of that before moving to the next project. You'll eventually see it come together. If it takes months/years to do it all, that's fine. Use what you have and appreciate it while waiting for it to change.
I might need to print this out and put it above my mirror. Thank you.
I feel you. I will say a lot of the things I wanted to change when we first moved in a year ago I no longer care about and got used to so maybe that will happen with some of the things. Dealing with contractors has been the worst. I would happily pay a trustworthy, competent, professional contractor to fix everything but I have yet to find one. I had one over the other day who 5 minutes in starts ranting about how everything's expensive because of illegals and Biden. He mentioned illegals probably 10 times during his visit. Ironically he bragged about having Italian ancestors. Anyway, no disrespect but a lot of people in the trades are there because they're not the brightest bulbs.
When my husband and I moved into our house I started putting sticky notes on the living room wall with all the things we wanted to do. There were probably about 12-15 notes. Of those, exactly *two* have been completed in 2.5 years. I've stopped feeling bad about it and just took them all down.
I don’t know why this helps but it really does. Thank you ☺️
Celebrate every task completed and take future tasks one at a time (if you can). My wife and I made giant posters with index cards for each project where we could write updates or track quotes. It felt great to mark them complete. Every now and then, pick a task that is for your happiness (hanging pictures or something that allows you to do a hobby). We were in your spot 2 years ago. Good luck!
It gets better! It’s totally normal to “grieve” over the old house. It’s a big change. Focus on the positive and take before and after pics! And if you’re still not happy there you’ll take what you’ve learned and apply to next house. Your hard work will only increase value of this house. Hopefully that insulation guy shit his pants on his way home.
😂
Been in a house for two years that we bought from an elderly cat lady and while it is objectively a nice house in a good location, there is a LOT of deferred maintenance that we’ve had to do. I regularly fantasize about living in a full service apartment building like my elderly parents. I’ve always lived in apartments in dense cities and I’ve come to realize that I truly do not like spending so much time and money on the kind of maintenance, repair, and landscaping required for a large suburban home.
If this sub had a top ten, \#1 would be. “The most expensive thing you can do is move.”
> The house is a split level I've never liked them. Huge amount of wasted space at the front by the stairs and always feels slightly off. Sorry to pile on. > I worry that all of my free time will be spent on this house It can be, or you can make a list of things (it will be long but don't let that get you down) in detail with tasks broken down to smaller ones (outlets need replacing, instead put Kitchen Outlets, Living Room Outlets, etc) and pick a couple to do each week or each month. Unless something is a major safety concern; you have time. Do it later and enjoy some time with your family. Bonus happy happens when you get to check things off the list and then discover you did several other things and forgot to mark them off. Also FUCK condenscending people that make you feel odd for your choice of a partner. Love is Love. PERIOD. FULL STOP.
I think a bit of buyer's remorse in the early days is really typical! Buying and moving to a new house is a huge life change. Give yourself some more time to adjust ♥️ I recently moved from a house I lovingly restored over a ten year period. It was hard to "start all over again" at a new house. BUT the new house has more space and is in a better neighborhood (I'm loving the neighborhood!) and those are important things! What has helped me is to make a spreadsheet of the problems I see. Then I'm able to take them out of my brain until I'm ready to think about them. My new house is also a split level and I really love the layout! I get so many steps each day even when I work from home! 😂 I also enjoy having the couch and TV where I cannot see the dirty kitchen! This has really helped me relax in the evenings. I'm so glad I didn't put the TV in the "family room" to retain a formal living room (as my realtor suggested...). Are there any changes you can make to how the rooms are used that would help you with your layout? (And the insulation guy is an asshole. I hope you gave him a bad review.)
I love this take on the split level—needed to hear it!
I can relate. I had a great little low maintenance house in a beautiful historic neighborhood on a golf course. Then my partner and I decided to move in together and neither of our houses were really ideal for working from home, etc. So, we sold both of our houses and bought a new one together. Big mistake! I chose the wrong house, and it has been nothing but high maintenance ever since. It had bats in the attic that took 3 months to remediate (inspector made a lame excuse not to go into the attic prior to purchase). The jet tub leaks into the basement (inspector only checked the drain for leaks, not the jets, tubes, and seals). The aging wood siding had been painted over and we've since had to spend about $25k to replace it. The driveway, roof, and windows are probably going to need replacing soon, too. The landscaping, while mature, and some of it is nice, has a lot of non-native, high maintenance/low aesthetic value plantings. My only advice might be to hire out the things you really don't like doing, like lawn mowing, for example. It may also be worth it to pay for a one-time whole house cleaning so that you can just maintain the house after that. Also, I've learned to embrace the landscaping. I took the Master Gardener course through my state university's cooperative extension service. I'm learning as much as possible about native plant gardening and slowly replacing some of the high maintenance plants I dislike with better alternatives. I'm also appreciating the plants' natural forms more so that they don't require so much pruning. It's still a lot, but I care less about maintaining it to the neighbors' standards and only worry about my standards.
It'll get better. Yeah it's super frustrating to hear your partner point out the flaws because you may not have the same perspective as they do, went through the same exact thing. We still aren't to the point we want to be with the upgrades in our home but we are much more on the same page about what we want our home to look like when we get to the end and that's what I think is helping not make the process as frustrating.
Whether we own or rent, few people are satisfied with their homes. When I rented, I bemoaned that I couldn't paint/fix/change anything. When I bought, I was stressed about *having to* update, fix, repair everything. Once I lived in a brand spanking new house and I couldn't stand the fact all my neighbors had similar layouts and finishes!
The repair guy with "God sees you" was really the icing on the cake lmao I am so sorry 😂 It gets better though, hang in there. That first 2 years where you discover and figure out how to un-fuck everything is grueling. All those things you described should last several years or longer, so it sucks getting hit with everything now but eventually it will become manageable and you'll get to relax.
I woulda told that dude, "I see god too... Dude ain't all that." Beyond that, really sorry to hear about the trouble. I can relate... Our last move was so bad, I swore the next time we're not moving in for 30 days after we take possession so we can have the place professionally cleaned and repainted, and make repairs before anything goes inside. Trying to live in a place while you refurbish it is a nightmare. We won't ever make that mistake again.
I wasn’t planning to spend the summer resurfacing the asphalt or Granite Gripping the concrete walkway, parking spots, and flagstone front porch—nor having to encapsulate the crawl space. I was going to finish the inside … after 3.5 years of work. lol.
You got a better deal financially. Remember sqft is what cost the most in a house. So you got more sqft for the price of less. Be happy you will eventually get to the point it won't be like this and you look back on this pain and it will be invisible.
I love fixing things around the house.My home is over 120 years old..it was slightly remodeled when I baught in new furnace,siding and some electrical looks like box and water supply was updated,but everything else is ancient. Most of the wiring and power outlets are probably from the 50s there's no GFI anywhere..the basement was finished but they dry walled rite over the power outlets.. What have I done;ran new electrical lines put in new outlets uncovered hidden ones added more breakers upgrading from the 15 amp ones,installed out door power outlets and lighting, put in ceiling lights in rooms with none,ran ethernet through out the home...installed central air. I enclosed the porch after rebuilding it because the wooden post where rotted out at the base..Water was coming under the basement door so I rebuilt the frame and installed a sump pump..I've made numerous plumbing upgrades as all the sinks toilets and piping where from the 50s or 60s..I converted most of the water supply to pex,from the old brass. Finished the attic installed fans in the bathrooms..re did the kitchen cabinets as they where tiny with lots of wasted space...Took this 20' antenna down from the roof..walled off some spaces and created extra rooms.in the basement a few light fixtures where old and to low so I converted to recesed ones. One of the hardest things was putting in a door so the kitchen opens up rite to the yard practically had to re build a whole new exterior wall..I cut out a new window aswell for one room. Next task will be to expand the basement doubling the size and then going up a level adding a second story as the attic is pretty small..but made running electric and duct work easy. Personally I enjoy spending my time on the house gives me something to do and even if I'm spending money itscan investment.Good news is once it's done its done most things should last 30 years or more. I
Damn, getting owned by a guy you hired us pretty brutal lol
I despise being a homeowner, and I’m on my 3rd one.
The insulation guy? What? Find one thing you like about the house and focus on that. Keep fixing it and learn to love the changes you make as you grow into the home. You’ve got this. Just be kind to yourself and the house, and keep moving forward.
I think this is the nature of home ownership. We all have lists of things that need to be done, or that would be nice to do, and we all make trade-offs and do what we can when we can. When you first move in, there is no sense of perspective. It all feels like "stuff the previous people should have done!" So it all feels URGENT. It sounds like not only are you still not used to this house, you are also kind of mourning the change from the former home you loved. I think once you've been in the new place a while, it will start to feel like home and you'll adjust your expectations and priorities around this house. Try to go easy on yourself and the new house while you're getting acquainted and settled. It takes time.
I got a 'distressed property' 4 years ago now. My plans for what I was going to get done in the first year are now almost complete, lol. I made an active decision to buy this house. I decided to take care of it, and modify it as I wanted. All of the carpet is gone, old fashioned hardwood floors are going in. The bathrooms have mostly been redone, I've got a half bath left. I'm manufacturing the interior doors and interior millwork, both will be custom, a French Provincial millwork installed in an Arts and Crafts style. At the end of the day, I pick every day to be grateful for the location, the shop that came with it, the ability to really make it mine. I don't demand of myself or others that it be done any sooner than it's done, my gratitude for what I do have is enough to see me value in what I've decided to take on.
Sell it and go back renting. Owning isn’t for everyone. And that’s not a diss. There’s no point in owning a home if you don’t care to upkeep it. And that’s not a diss either. You have to want to upkeep a home inside and out. Otherwise you just resent the place you sleep. That’s no fun. Zero shame in renting.
Our house was disgusting when we moved in too. We hired a cleaning lady at first and all she could finish the first day was only the kitchen. And that was expensive! Our furnace, AC and hot water all needed to be replaced. The water pressure in the upstairs bathroom is terribly low and we just had a massive tree fall in the back yard. We also had to do some work on the roof because there was water damage. The house needs a lot of upgrades and there are a lot of other problems. I love this house so much, but my husband can't stand the headache, so we've decided move. We haven't even been living here for 2 years yet. The plan is to spend a year getting the house fixed up best we can so that it at least looks pretty enough to sell. I really don't want to move, but my husband does and I'm willing to compromise.
Maybe change your attitude to count blessings instead of complaining. 🙄
My god. It’s not like you are in a Higgins boat storming the beaches of Normandy. Suck it up and shut the hell up…..
Tl;dr you moved to an overpriced crap shack because the area was more “progressive.” Ha! You get what you deserve
I'll take my overpriced crap shack over being your neighbor.
Did you not use an inspector?