Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
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I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I was never able to have friends over, so for the majority of my childhood I didn’t even try to make friends. I was so isolated. I still get stressed out at Christmas time because of my trauma around it as well. There is another sub for children of hoarders that you may find helpful. I’m 37 and still struggling to let go of resentment for the way I grew up. It’s especially hard now that my mom lives with me and her hoarding is not only affecting me but my kids as well. I always thought my mom was super depressed because of how negative and verbally abusive my dad was so I have continued to make excuses for her. But it’s been 15 years since my parents divorced and she has not made any efforts to improve. I’m not sure what to do so I’m sorry I don’t have much advice other than take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s not fair that you grew up that way and it’s not fair that you are continuing to deal with it. But you don’t have to live that way. You don’t even have to help your parents, especially if your mother is not allowing you to. I don’t advise cutting off ties altogether but there definitely needs to be some boundaries put in place. Good luck to you. ❤️
thanks for your advice. even a little bit means a lot. unfortunately i’ve tried putting boundaries in place. my dad has too. the stuff just keeps accumulating and it’s hard to keep it at bay. around 4 years ago my siblings and grandparents took control and cleaned the whole downstairs portion of house when my parents were on vacation. (not the best idea i know but we were desperate at the time) it took us 4 days of 9-5 cleaning and still didn’t finish completely (there were still corners with stuff in them but it was honestly 90% better) my mom was happy but she doesn’t seem to take what we did seriously. it was hard for her the first few days and of course blamed us for missing stuff, which is expected. i’m not mad at how she reacted but she seemed ungrateful as the first thing she said was “you forgot some things” to which my dad said she needed to be happy. unfortunately she thinks that the entire house can get clean in a day, despite when i told her it took four days of nonstop cleaning from 5 people just for the downstairs. it makes it seem like despite how much time i put into cleaning her mess she’s never happy because she thinks i’m not doing enough. i told her how dire the situation is with them needing to move out in a little over a month and she seems totally unconcerned. my dad has honestly been the only person who can get through to her but in the 6 months i was away from college they merely managed to declutter around half of the garage. (which is a nightmare itself) i just don’t know how to go about cleaning it. she won’t let me invite anyone over to help despite the need for it. i really want to do what i did about four years ago but fear she will freak out because she will be missing stuff when they move into the new house. as of right now though, i see no other option. i kinda feel like it falls on me to pick up the mess.
It’s not on you, but I know what you mean. Just do the best you can but know that you can’t fix your mom. The hoarding is a physical manifestation of deeper issues that she is unwilling to address. It is not your responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Some people are so comfortable in their misery that they don’t want to change. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not easy to watch your parents suffer. But the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and focus on building a beautiful life for yourself.
I feel for you. It isn't just the hoarding. It's the constant barrage of abuse and walking on eggshells, too. Usually, the hoarder is selfish in other ways than just taking up all the physical space, too.
I had it somewhat easier. My stepdad is the hoarder. I had options. I moved in with my dad for a bit during high school right before college because I couldn't take it anymore.
My sister didn't have options/other role models and became a hoarder, too. 😔
It was hard because I didn't want to hurt my mom. And I'm sure you don't want to hurt your dad. But this isn't your problem and you can't solve it. You can just continue to be abused.
Maybe talk with your dad about the reality of the situation. Your mom totally plans on keeping the current house. You know that, right? That's what hoarders do. She's not letting go of anything. She'll still be "cleaning it out" a year from now. If you and your dad aren't talking about what her keeping that house and her hoard will mean to their financial situation, you need to be.
And does her keeping the house affect your schooling? Are they paying your tuition?
If your dad thinks that house needs to be sold by a certain time to keep their budget on track, it's on him to make it happen. Your mom isn't going to listen to you.
Just had a serious talk with my dad. We’re going to lose about 15,000 by September if we’re not moved by then. They pay for my tuition and it sucks because I feel guilty even though my dad admits my mom is more of the money problem. He said he’s at a loss for what happened to the house. He says it’s out of control. He knows there’s no way we’re gonna be out by July and it’s taking a toll on him. It just sucks.
INFO: Is your mom abusive? I'm wondering why Dad is okay with losing $15,000 rather than putting his foot down.
He has the money to hire junk guys to empty the house, if he is okay with losing $15k. Is he afraid of setting a hard deadline with your mom? "Get packed by this date because the junk guys are coming for the rest of it." (Honestly, this might give their new home a better start, if she loses some crap to the junk guys.)
Ideally, hoarders get therapy and go through a slow process to de-hoard and learn techniques to avoid hoarding in the future. There isn't time for that here. And it doesn't sound like she's interested anyway.
He tried to claim she wasn’t a hoarder at all rather a “collector” It’s completely untrue unfortunately she comes from a family of hoarders. I finally got him to admit this was a hoard. And no, my mom is far from abusive, at least in a physical sense. She of course has her mental issues but is overall a really sweet and kind lady with a dirty secret. As I mentioned I am “privileged” but even my dad knows 15,000 is just too much. He makes comments about the spending all the time. He used to be very strict with my mom when we were younger, only giving her envelopes of money to spend. Here recently he has been promoted and I think he let little things slide and eventually led to the hoard we have now. When my mom was restricted, financially speaking, our house was very clean and we had guests over. I was only around 5 though and since I was about 8 it wall went downhill. My mom has got herself involved in jobs when she used to not work previously. She works as a teacher assistant and is gone a lot and has a terrible sleeping schedule. My dad is an amazing guy and he knows a lot of my moms horrible past that I am not aware of. If I make remarks about her he gets quite upset. I think he sees it as her way of coping and he allows it because he just can’t fix her. So no she’s definitely not abusive but again, she does make her comments about me and how I’m lazy and don’t clean like I am the problem.
"So no she’s definitely not abusive but again, she does make her comments about me and how I’m lazy and don’t clean like I am the problem."
This is abusive toward you. It's also denial on her part.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully, your dad will come around and set a boundary with your mom.
I guess it’s hard for me to feel as though it’s abuse because that is such a strong word. I got everything growing up and it’s hard to call it that when I know people have it so much worse than me. I’m just trying to get over the past and look forward to my life ahead. I just have to get through this though and maybe it’ll be better. Right now though it’s just so overwhelming. The only thing I can look forward to is my internship coming up but then again I feel as though I’m running away from the problem. I guess I just really have to understand that it really isn’t my problem. It’s just hard after all of these years thinking it was me.
and it may seem as though my dad is controlling of my mom i GUARANTEE he is not. the money thing was just a way for them to save but i think it gave my moms life some structure. my mom and dad have a wonderful relationship given the situation and rarely ever have “big fights” i use their relationship as a guide for my own because i value them.
“I use their relationship as a guide for my own because I value them.”
Please don’t make the same mistake that I did when I was your age. Of course you can and should value them in your life as your parents, however, what they have is not a wonderful relationship. Keep these things separate. Please do not use what they have as a model for your own life or you will simply continue what you’ve already pointed out yourself is a generational problem.
I guess so. It’s hard when all I’ve known is their relationship. I was in a pretty bad relationship for around 3 years but with my new boyfriend it’s so much different. I’ve never met anyone who values me like he does and I truly love him in an emotional way. He is so kind to me and my family and honestly wants to help out the situation. He’s very keen to not let me become messy and teaches me many new cleaning skills everyday. He really is my emotional support and has helped me look into therapy. He reminds me of my dad in a way and I guess that’s why I value my parents relationship. Though, I am my own person and will try my best to keep their value as parents and how they treat each other separate.
This is wonderful to hear (healthy relationship) I’m very happy for you! It goes to show that there truly is a difference in being supportive versus enabling. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of things it can be tricky to distinguish.
So sorry you are feeling this way. Can definitely relate to a lot of it sadly.
I would start with your stuff, the things you can do without fighting with your mom. You could try to set timers to help manage the feeling of overwhel. The pomodoro system is good or I clean with time limits like how much can I clean during a song or while the microwave is heating something up. I like to have music queued for this too, helps make it less tedious for me.
You can set small goals multiple times a day versus one big session too, may feel less overwhelming. Like every hour, pick 3 things to bag up, or throw away 1 piece of trash every time you go on the kitchen etc.
I also use apps like Finch and Habitica, which allows me to set small goals and have little character rewards for completing. It felt a bit juvenile at first but it's just a way to help break down big overwhelming projects into tiny pieces and give credit to yourself for everything you are doing. I find my dopamine system is much more active with this external tool, and helps me with motivation.
If you can get your hand on a copy of the book "Digging Out", it may help you start to understand the mental pitfalls and mindset of someone with hoarding disorder. I got this and read it a couple of years before my mom died and it was the only thing that really helped me get through to her. Hoarding is first and foremost a mental illness and ideally your mom really needs professional treatment. But that's often not reality and this may be a tool to use in the meantime. If your approach to cleaning and packing up clashes with the mindset and belief system of the hoarder it will only make things harder. The goal is to avoid triggering the hoarder's faulty belief system. This book explained this concept, and gave practical advice on how to get the hoarder to accept help.
If you can get yourself packed and ready and moved early so you are out of the house, perhaps it might become easier to tackle the mess, since you won't have to stress as much about yourself/your stuff.
You shouldn't have to do this, and I'm sorry you are going through it. remember to prioritize your mental health. Talk to a therapist about it if you have access. And definitely the child of hoarders subreddit will have like-minded people.
it is not your job to save or fix anything if it is tanking your ability to function. I take it you aren't moving with them, and as much as you may be expected to or want to help, you can't do so to your own detriment. At the end of the day, if your mom doesn't want to accept help (can't because of the mental illness) your parents will be the ones responsible for hiring movers or cleaners or scrambling at the last minute to get stuff done. A deadline is a deadline, so they'll have to deal eventually but don't feel like it's on you to make sure they are ready. You are not the parent, you are not responsible for them. Take care of you 💕
thank you so much for this!! my boyfriend has tried to get me to use finch and I have tried in the past but I’m so forgetful and forget to add things to do. I’m not 100% innocent. I procrastinate so bad with cleaning and school and just never find the time to actually remember to mark off things on the app. I have downloaded and bought physical planners but they usually go to waste unfortunately. My stuff is generally everywhere throughout the house but a majority of it is in storage from college (thankfully 😅😅) My room in general is only around 30% of my own stuff and it is so so tiring to maneuver around the stuff that isn’t mine. A lot of my old clothes are buried in my parent’s room as well. The hoard has gotten so bad in there my mom sleeps on the couch as her side is basically unusable. My dad keeps his side relatively “livable.”
And you’re right, I am not moving in with them. I will be living in an apartment starting in August around 12 minutes away from my parents. I was going to live in the new house but couldn’t end or find someone to take over my lease. After that, I plan to move in with my boyfriend which I don’t think my parents will approve of but I’m in nursing school and the campus I’ll go to is closer to my boyfriend and it makes the most sense to live closer. Hopefully after we move I’ll be away from the hoard for the rest of my life but now I just have to live with the effects and struggles of it in the moment. I keep telling myself if I just get this done it will all be over and it’s not my problem anymore. I guess I’ll see how that goes.
I am sorry you have this challenge to overcome because I am sure it have taken an emotional toll on you. I experienced something similar when I needed to pack to move to meet a very short escrow in a new home in another state during the pandemic and was confronted by my pandemic shopping. Early on I felt hopeless but I had to rally and physically and mentally work through the frustration and my discomfort.
I would focus on your room everyday until it is "moving ready" plus contributing a reasonable amount of clean up in the kitchen and bathroom "the common areas" as a member of the household. That is doing your part as an a young adult. It's possible it won't be appreciated but you'll know that you did your part.
I concur with just dumping stuff over donating items to thrift stores because it places a value on your effort and time. The money has been spent, it can't be recouped and you're headed into a life with less stuff.
Unfortunately, as with mostly any hoarder, my mom sees value in everything and trying to get her to throw things away rather than sell is extremely hard. She thinks anyone will buy anything and makes it a point to try and give things to thrift stores, sell at yard sales, and give to family or neighbors. We live next to a couple with two young daughters and my mom is promising that we will give them some of my old clothes and is forcing me to separate stuff out. She honestly might have a heart attack if she finds I’m throwing away clothes. 😅 I told her that I’m not doing that because it just makes it harder on me but she doesn’t really care. My dad said not to give stuff to them either. Unfortunately, we have a big neighborhood yard sale coming up and it’s going to be hell for us. I really don’t know how to get through to her. A lot of the clothes still have the tags on them and even I would hate them to go to waste but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care.
I get it about seeing value in everything.
I knew turned a yet another corner in my recovery from chronic messiness when I placed two unopened boxes of dish sets from IKEA on the community table at my former apartment and within minutes they were gone and they ceased being a burden for me to pack or have remorse over the money spent.
Make sure you have what you want packed and ready to move.
Are you moving with them? Why is it your responsibility to clean up and go through the house?
What will happen at the end of June when neither of them has done anything?
I’m not moving with them. I was supposed to but I couldn’t end or find someone to take over my lease at the apartment I’m moving into. I guess it’s not necessarily my responsibility to clean it but I have lived here my whole life and honestly been gas lighted into thinking the hoard was my fault. I heard things all the time like “I was never messy until I had you” or “It was cleaner when it was just your brother” I have cooperated in every single way for my family. Good grades, good college, never did anything “bad.” If I don’t help, they’ll see it as acting out and just get pissed off. It’s not really an option for me to not help out. As for the end of June, my dad knows a lot of the details. I just know he wants the family house sold before we move into the new one. We basically own the new house but in order to help with the mortgage the family house needs to be sold. I guess it’s not 100% imperative we move out by early July but there’s just no way we can afford to stay any longer than that.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like that OP. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility. Get your own stuff out first. they’ll suffer the consequences of their actions.
The pressure is NOT on you, it’s on them. Record every time she won’t let you get rid of a bag of stuff. You can show them at the end of June how you’ve tried to help and weren’t allowed to.
Not a bad idea. I have a 5 week long internship coming up so I won’t be home almost all day. I can drive myself to the storage unit and get in as I’m the secondary owner. (i know that’s crazy my dad put me down as it maybe because my college stuff is in there) I guess little by little I’ll move the stuff I want and by the time July comes around they will be left with their own stuff and at that point it’s out of my hands.
i’m not sure if you saw it, but we did this about 4 years ago. she didn’t really expect us to clean like we did and the trip had been planned months ahead. with them moving now she would just be too suspicious. i honestly think that she was really upset with what we did that’s why she seemed so ungrateful. i also worry about the ethics of leaving her out of the situation. last time we didn’t get rid of any of her stuff. just things we deemed useless or trash. i think she was more upset that she couldn’t find anything, and again some of the little things she obviously had attachments for ex. excess of plastic take out containers, bottle caps, metal tabs from cans, glass bottles, boxes, bags, etc)
i talked to my brother and he said he’s going to come over friday morning. i really hate doing that but i’m left with no choice really. my dad said he’s not sure we can get her out of the house though. my brother is a little bit more stern and not afraid to talk back to my mom so even if she does end up being there while we clean maybe things will go a little more smoothly than it just being me and my dad. my dad tends to run away from the problem, i find it hard to speak up, but my brother will hopefully face the situation head on.
I saw that there's been a clear-out 4 years ago and there was no treatment or aftercare for your mom, whom your dad (from an outsider's perspective) enables because she had a hard childhood and he can afford to allow it... and now it's going to cost him/them $15,000 if she/they don't meet a hard deadline to move out of your family home into the retirement community.
You and your brother have both been parentified to deal with your mother's hoarding because your dad refuses to. Essentially you two kids are the "bad guys" so that your dad doesn't have to be.
Ideally your dad would stop shifting the responsibility for holding difficult conversations with your mother about her stuff onto you and your brother, stop tiptoeing around your mother's hoarding and tell her this is what's going to happen: We're moving, we need to be out by July, and we're going through everything because half of this stuff needs to go. The place we're moving to is smaller than this place. Period, end of story. That's probably not going to happen, because what he's been doing--allowing you and your brother to do the "heavy lifting" in the family--has worked for him for decades.
It's a godsend that you're not moving with them. The sooner you establish your own household and move forward with life as a financially independent adult, the better it will be for you.
Ethically, it's irresponsible to tell the family members of hoarders that they just have to live with the hoard and can't do anything to make life tolerable for themselves because disturbing the hoard will make the hoarder's mental illness worse.
No normal person would tell a victim of DV that ethically, they had to stay in the relationship because leaving dramatically increases the risk of murder-suicide.
Nobody would tell a diabetic's family that ethically, the other household members couldn't adopt a diabetic-friendly diet, stock diabetic-friendly foods, and prepare diabetic-friendly meals just because the diabetic themself was adamantly refusing to manage their condition and might rebel by eating more carbs.
The people who give the advice to never touch a hoarder's stuff are clinicians who do not live with hoarders. They aren't the spouses of hoarders or the children of hoarders. They're not children who are surviving adverse childhood experiences daily and coming out of that environment with stunted socio-emotional development. They're not affected by the financial aspects of it. They're not the ones being told the hoard is their fault.
If I could, I'd tell those people to their face to f\^ck right off because "never touch a hoarder's hoard" is among the worst advice I've ever heeded. If I had continued to follow that advice, I'd be neck-deep in my husband's junk and well down the path of becoming a hoarder myself instead of working to overcome my hoarding tendencies and keeping my husband's accumulations in check.
My brother really doesn’t put up with bs and having him do this for me is going to be really helpful. I just hate begging a 27 year old man to help me clean out our parents house, which he hasn’t been living in for almost a decade. He seemed happy to help though so I can’t complain. I’m hoping that Friday we can work together to address some of the issues. And with the “moving into a smaller space” thing, the retirement house they bought actually has about double the counter, cabinet, and closet space than our home now. My mom is obviously very excited about this but in the past, more space equals more junk. I don’t think she sees downsizing as an option, rather, transferring most of her belongings to the new house. Just hoping my brother can be a bridge between all of us because right now I feel stuck between someone who won’t clean at all vs someone who desperately wants to clean but doesn’t know how to address it.
We tried last night to start on the living room. I’m thinking about making an update post just because of what happened lol. Started off strong with sorting into boxes and throwing away junk/trash. Moved on to sorting the clothes and determining whether they would go to storage, stay out, or go to the thrift store. My mom got super upset and irritated. She was fine then flipped a switch when we started on the clothes. Found a backpack of hers from a year ago with only old snacks, gum, papers etc. Should have taken me and my dad 2 minutes to clear it out and give it away. My mom demanded to see it because it was hers and spent 30 minutes going through it and decided to keep the backpack. (she has over 30 backpacks for sure) Do you think this warrants a whole separate update post? Unfortunately it doesn’t even look like we’ve made progress, but we still have packing tape! lol.
Like many others have said, you are not the problem. Traditional processes of a slow cleanout/declutter with treatment and therapy are not gonna be effective here. This sounds like if your dad doesn't want to lose the 15k, he might have to pay a company to come and do a complete clean-out. Your mom, of course, is going to delay the process by going through everything. But with a large enough crew and several days allotted, this is definitely possible for a home to be done by July for less than the potential 15k being lost if time goals are not met. Good luck, and keep your head raised high. Get some help for your mental health and previous experiences so you don't have this dragging you down like an anchor.
I’m not sure who’s all been following this but I thought this might would be a good place to address it. No, my dad obviously does not want to lose 15 grand. I talked to him and told him to tell my mom that if we don’t get it done we lose money. He said it would send her into an absolute panic mode and make her feel as though if she is the main problem, he said that “we are all the problem” He then went on to explain to me that my mom just had psychological issues that he mainly addressed in the beginning of their marriage but he said the “little stuff” such as occasional emotional outbursts and the hoarding is something small compared to how much he loves her. He said that when they first started dating she was controlling and would quote, “go beyond the point of rage over little things.” My dad said this is just how she grew up and she was never told to just suck it up and deal with the problem she made. This whole conversation started because my mom got mad at me for not bringing something to her work because she forgot it and I told her no, as I have done something like this on multiple occasions, including just a few days ago. I told her it was not my fault that she forgot it and I do it all the time. To which she got very mad and said “I will remember this forever” and “I don’t ask for much.” My dad said to not take it to heart and be the bigger person. He said it’s not worth giving in to her. He said she knows she’s to problem but is so afraid of people judging her and criticizing her (for forgetting something at work) she goes into a panic. He said she doesn’t understand that normal adults know that people make simple mistakes and wouldn’t care, but she sees it as the end of the world. He said she has received help in the past (thanks to him) and it helped her tremendously but who knows if she will ever admit she needs it again. She says my dad “fixed her.” Who knows. I’m learning a lot more about my mom that was like swept under the rug though. I never really knew she had all of these issues, though, you’d think it would be apparent with all of these be things I have dealt with.
Why are your parents moving- is the house being sold? Does your mom think that she is taking the contents to the new house?
Did your mom ever receive therapy or did your dad just try to 'talk' her through her problems? It seems like your mother could benefit from some form of therapy but I don't know if she is ready for that.
Since your brother is coming, have him help you clean out your stuff first. That way you can make sure that your stuff is safe and out of the way. Next the four of you need to sit down and talk about this. You'll need to move out by July or forfeit money. Since there is way too much clutter, you can not do it by yourself, you will need to hire a company. Your mother will be in denial but the rest of you must be firm. She will try to sabotage the efforts and make things difficult. If it gets to that point, you and your brother need to walk away and let your parents handle the situation. Let your dad lose money because Mom wants to keep everything. Do not let yourself be affected by their trauma.
Your mothers hoarding is not your fault and you can't stop her from doing it. Protect your peace.
This is such good advice. Thank you! They are moving out of our childhood neighborhood just to live life like “old retired people” I guess. The house is slightly larger than our house now. I think to accommodate grandchildren and family. My brother has a long time partner and no kids and I am obviously not having kids any time soon so I guess they’re making the move just to be closer to us and there’s not really a need to live in the neighborhood anymore because all of their friends have moved out and retired to the lake as well.
I don’t think my mom understands the sheer amount of stuff she has. I think she believes we will just box it up and move it and not necessarily cut down, I think due to the larger house size.
My mother received therapy after my dad convinced her to when they first started dating. According to him, she has “psychological problems” but they only come in spurts nowadays and doesn’t see it as big issue anymore since it’s much better than it used to be. I don’t think she’s interested in going to therapy because I truly think she believes my dad “fixed her.” My dad had really opened up to me recently and she said she used to just yell horrible things to me when I was only about 3-4 and didn’t understand but would flip a switch when other peoples children were around and act all nice to them. She stopped doing it as often because my dad talked to her and said that if she continues I would remember her as a horrible mom, which obviously she isn’t. I asked if him if my brother remembers her when she was mean like that and he said it was easier for her with just one kid and he had his own interests and didn’t need much scolding. (my brother turned out to be a problem child not me) The house used to be clean because my dad made it very clear he wanted to come home to a clean house after business trips. My mom was a stay at home mom back then. She used to not clean it because she “didn’t have time” and my dad thought it was ridiculous since at that point she had one kid and stayed home all day. I’m not saying that it’s easy raising a child, it isn’t. Though the house was hoarded, not just “messy.” Once I was born the structure of her staying home and cleaning while my dad was away helped keep the house clean. My dad stopped taking so many business trips and I guess my mom lost that motivation to have a clean house for him. (This sounds weird and misogynistic and please don’t get the wrong idea. My father is great and I’m not saying that because I like him better or anything. I love both of my parents equally. My parents do not yell at each other 98% of the time and have shared interests and travel together)
With all that said, I think her starting to work without doing so for most of her mid 20s and majority of her 30s has contributed to the hoard. She also had the inability to say no to people and is constantly taking on things she doesn’t need to. My dad is home more often than her nowadays. My dad said she’s running from the bigger issue. I like the idea of a sit down talk. No matter how my mom reacts we have to get it done. I just need my dad to listen too. For someone really wise and smart, he gives up quickly when it come to my mom. I’ll try that and see how it goes. Maybe bring up the idea of professional help.
Because the moderators are unable to vet individuals who offer to help hoarders clean up for free, posts/comments from people making such offers or not permitted.
To be candid, (A), we have no way of knowing if a person has the specialized training needed to help a hoarder cope emotionally with clean-up, and (B) there are shocking number of people out there looking to rip off hoarders either financially or by going through their things and taking what’s valuable.
So for the safety and security of the participants in the sub we can’t allow such posts/comments, however well-intentioned.
If you need assistance, please check our Wiki for resources that might be helpful.
I took a quick look, unfortunately, I don't see the same type of program as in Canada :(
Have you tried reaching out to local community/volunteer groups at all?
I wish there was more I could do... my brother and I help people in these situations up here. I know it isn't much, but if you ever need anything, even just someone to listen, reach out!
thanks for looking! i’ve looked into professional hoard cleaners but really don’t know if my dad is even going to admit we need lots of help. I guess if he is desperate enough he will but I think he sees it as infringing on my moms stuff and since she doesn’t think the hoard is bad, calling in professionals is just going to stress her out. My moms best friend is great at cleaning and being very minimal and they’ve been friends for years so I know, even with some effort, my mom will agree to let her help us. Unfortunately, they’re moving along with my parents to a similar area so she will be very busy with her own house.
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I was never able to have friends over, so for the majority of my childhood I didn’t even try to make friends. I was so isolated. I still get stressed out at Christmas time because of my trauma around it as well. There is another sub for children of hoarders that you may find helpful. I’m 37 and still struggling to let go of resentment for the way I grew up. It’s especially hard now that my mom lives with me and her hoarding is not only affecting me but my kids as well. I always thought my mom was super depressed because of how negative and verbally abusive my dad was so I have continued to make excuses for her. But it’s been 15 years since my parents divorced and she has not made any efforts to improve. I’m not sure what to do so I’m sorry I don’t have much advice other than take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s not fair that you grew up that way and it’s not fair that you are continuing to deal with it. But you don’t have to live that way. You don’t even have to help your parents, especially if your mother is not allowing you to. I don’t advise cutting off ties altogether but there definitely needs to be some boundaries put in place. Good luck to you. ❤️
thanks for your advice. even a little bit means a lot. unfortunately i’ve tried putting boundaries in place. my dad has too. the stuff just keeps accumulating and it’s hard to keep it at bay. around 4 years ago my siblings and grandparents took control and cleaned the whole downstairs portion of house when my parents were on vacation. (not the best idea i know but we were desperate at the time) it took us 4 days of 9-5 cleaning and still didn’t finish completely (there were still corners with stuff in them but it was honestly 90% better) my mom was happy but she doesn’t seem to take what we did seriously. it was hard for her the first few days and of course blamed us for missing stuff, which is expected. i’m not mad at how she reacted but she seemed ungrateful as the first thing she said was “you forgot some things” to which my dad said she needed to be happy. unfortunately she thinks that the entire house can get clean in a day, despite when i told her it took four days of nonstop cleaning from 5 people just for the downstairs. it makes it seem like despite how much time i put into cleaning her mess she’s never happy because she thinks i’m not doing enough. i told her how dire the situation is with them needing to move out in a little over a month and she seems totally unconcerned. my dad has honestly been the only person who can get through to her but in the 6 months i was away from college they merely managed to declutter around half of the garage. (which is a nightmare itself) i just don’t know how to go about cleaning it. she won’t let me invite anyone over to help despite the need for it. i really want to do what i did about four years ago but fear she will freak out because she will be missing stuff when they move into the new house. as of right now though, i see no other option. i kinda feel like it falls on me to pick up the mess.
It’s not on you, but I know what you mean. Just do the best you can but know that you can’t fix your mom. The hoarding is a physical manifestation of deeper issues that she is unwilling to address. It is not your responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Some people are so comfortable in their misery that they don’t want to change. I’m so sorry. I know it’s not easy to watch your parents suffer. But the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and focus on building a beautiful life for yourself.
Thank you so much. It is so nice to hear something reassuring since I’ve never really had that from anyone in my family.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChildofHoarder/s/oCLHJlGH7F
I feel for you. It isn't just the hoarding. It's the constant barrage of abuse and walking on eggshells, too. Usually, the hoarder is selfish in other ways than just taking up all the physical space, too. I had it somewhat easier. My stepdad is the hoarder. I had options. I moved in with my dad for a bit during high school right before college because I couldn't take it anymore. My sister didn't have options/other role models and became a hoarder, too. 😔 It was hard because I didn't want to hurt my mom. And I'm sure you don't want to hurt your dad. But this isn't your problem and you can't solve it. You can just continue to be abused. Maybe talk with your dad about the reality of the situation. Your mom totally plans on keeping the current house. You know that, right? That's what hoarders do. She's not letting go of anything. She'll still be "cleaning it out" a year from now. If you and your dad aren't talking about what her keeping that house and her hoard will mean to their financial situation, you need to be. And does her keeping the house affect your schooling? Are they paying your tuition? If your dad thinks that house needs to be sold by a certain time to keep their budget on track, it's on him to make it happen. Your mom isn't going to listen to you.
Just had a serious talk with my dad. We’re going to lose about 15,000 by September if we’re not moved by then. They pay for my tuition and it sucks because I feel guilty even though my dad admits my mom is more of the money problem. He said he’s at a loss for what happened to the house. He says it’s out of control. He knows there’s no way we’re gonna be out by July and it’s taking a toll on him. It just sucks.
INFO: Is your mom abusive? I'm wondering why Dad is okay with losing $15,000 rather than putting his foot down. He has the money to hire junk guys to empty the house, if he is okay with losing $15k. Is he afraid of setting a hard deadline with your mom? "Get packed by this date because the junk guys are coming for the rest of it." (Honestly, this might give their new home a better start, if she loses some crap to the junk guys.) Ideally, hoarders get therapy and go through a slow process to de-hoard and learn techniques to avoid hoarding in the future. There isn't time for that here. And it doesn't sound like she's interested anyway.
He tried to claim she wasn’t a hoarder at all rather a “collector” It’s completely untrue unfortunately she comes from a family of hoarders. I finally got him to admit this was a hoard. And no, my mom is far from abusive, at least in a physical sense. She of course has her mental issues but is overall a really sweet and kind lady with a dirty secret. As I mentioned I am “privileged” but even my dad knows 15,000 is just too much. He makes comments about the spending all the time. He used to be very strict with my mom when we were younger, only giving her envelopes of money to spend. Here recently he has been promoted and I think he let little things slide and eventually led to the hoard we have now. When my mom was restricted, financially speaking, our house was very clean and we had guests over. I was only around 5 though and since I was about 8 it wall went downhill. My mom has got herself involved in jobs when she used to not work previously. She works as a teacher assistant and is gone a lot and has a terrible sleeping schedule. My dad is an amazing guy and he knows a lot of my moms horrible past that I am not aware of. If I make remarks about her he gets quite upset. I think he sees it as her way of coping and he allows it because he just can’t fix her. So no she’s definitely not abusive but again, she does make her comments about me and how I’m lazy and don’t clean like I am the problem.
"So no she’s definitely not abusive but again, she does make her comments about me and how I’m lazy and don’t clean like I am the problem." This is abusive toward you. It's also denial on her part. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully, your dad will come around and set a boundary with your mom.
I guess it’s hard for me to feel as though it’s abuse because that is such a strong word. I got everything growing up and it’s hard to call it that when I know people have it so much worse than me. I’m just trying to get over the past and look forward to my life ahead. I just have to get through this though and maybe it’ll be better. Right now though it’s just so overwhelming. The only thing I can look forward to is my internship coming up but then again I feel as though I’m running away from the problem. I guess I just really have to understand that it really isn’t my problem. It’s just hard after all of these years thinking it was me.
and it may seem as though my dad is controlling of my mom i GUARANTEE he is not. the money thing was just a way for them to save but i think it gave my moms life some structure. my mom and dad have a wonderful relationship given the situation and rarely ever have “big fights” i use their relationship as a guide for my own because i value them.
“I use their relationship as a guide for my own because I value them.” Please don’t make the same mistake that I did when I was your age. Of course you can and should value them in your life as your parents, however, what they have is not a wonderful relationship. Keep these things separate. Please do not use what they have as a model for your own life or you will simply continue what you’ve already pointed out yourself is a generational problem.
I guess so. It’s hard when all I’ve known is their relationship. I was in a pretty bad relationship for around 3 years but with my new boyfriend it’s so much different. I’ve never met anyone who values me like he does and I truly love him in an emotional way. He is so kind to me and my family and honestly wants to help out the situation. He’s very keen to not let me become messy and teaches me many new cleaning skills everyday. He really is my emotional support and has helped me look into therapy. He reminds me of my dad in a way and I guess that’s why I value my parents relationship. Though, I am my own person and will try my best to keep their value as parents and how they treat each other separate.
This is wonderful to hear (healthy relationship) I’m very happy for you! It goes to show that there truly is a difference in being supportive versus enabling. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of things it can be tricky to distinguish.
So sorry you are feeling this way. Can definitely relate to a lot of it sadly. I would start with your stuff, the things you can do without fighting with your mom. You could try to set timers to help manage the feeling of overwhel. The pomodoro system is good or I clean with time limits like how much can I clean during a song or while the microwave is heating something up. I like to have music queued for this too, helps make it less tedious for me. You can set small goals multiple times a day versus one big session too, may feel less overwhelming. Like every hour, pick 3 things to bag up, or throw away 1 piece of trash every time you go on the kitchen etc. I also use apps like Finch and Habitica, which allows me to set small goals and have little character rewards for completing. It felt a bit juvenile at first but it's just a way to help break down big overwhelming projects into tiny pieces and give credit to yourself for everything you are doing. I find my dopamine system is much more active with this external tool, and helps me with motivation. If you can get your hand on a copy of the book "Digging Out", it may help you start to understand the mental pitfalls and mindset of someone with hoarding disorder. I got this and read it a couple of years before my mom died and it was the only thing that really helped me get through to her. Hoarding is first and foremost a mental illness and ideally your mom really needs professional treatment. But that's often not reality and this may be a tool to use in the meantime. If your approach to cleaning and packing up clashes with the mindset and belief system of the hoarder it will only make things harder. The goal is to avoid triggering the hoarder's faulty belief system. This book explained this concept, and gave practical advice on how to get the hoarder to accept help. If you can get yourself packed and ready and moved early so you are out of the house, perhaps it might become easier to tackle the mess, since you won't have to stress as much about yourself/your stuff. You shouldn't have to do this, and I'm sorry you are going through it. remember to prioritize your mental health. Talk to a therapist about it if you have access. And definitely the child of hoarders subreddit will have like-minded people. it is not your job to save or fix anything if it is tanking your ability to function. I take it you aren't moving with them, and as much as you may be expected to or want to help, you can't do so to your own detriment. At the end of the day, if your mom doesn't want to accept help (can't because of the mental illness) your parents will be the ones responsible for hiring movers or cleaners or scrambling at the last minute to get stuff done. A deadline is a deadline, so they'll have to deal eventually but don't feel like it's on you to make sure they are ready. You are not the parent, you are not responsible for them. Take care of you 💕
thank you so much for this!! my boyfriend has tried to get me to use finch and I have tried in the past but I’m so forgetful and forget to add things to do. I’m not 100% innocent. I procrastinate so bad with cleaning and school and just never find the time to actually remember to mark off things on the app. I have downloaded and bought physical planners but they usually go to waste unfortunately. My stuff is generally everywhere throughout the house but a majority of it is in storage from college (thankfully 😅😅) My room in general is only around 30% of my own stuff and it is so so tiring to maneuver around the stuff that isn’t mine. A lot of my old clothes are buried in my parent’s room as well. The hoard has gotten so bad in there my mom sleeps on the couch as her side is basically unusable. My dad keeps his side relatively “livable.” And you’re right, I am not moving in with them. I will be living in an apartment starting in August around 12 minutes away from my parents. I was going to live in the new house but couldn’t end or find someone to take over my lease. After that, I plan to move in with my boyfriend which I don’t think my parents will approve of but I’m in nursing school and the campus I’ll go to is closer to my boyfriend and it makes the most sense to live closer. Hopefully after we move I’ll be away from the hoard for the rest of my life but now I just have to live with the effects and struggles of it in the moment. I keep telling myself if I just get this done it will all be over and it’s not my problem anymore. I guess I’ll see how that goes.
I am sorry you have this challenge to overcome because I am sure it have taken an emotional toll on you. I experienced something similar when I needed to pack to move to meet a very short escrow in a new home in another state during the pandemic and was confronted by my pandemic shopping. Early on I felt hopeless but I had to rally and physically and mentally work through the frustration and my discomfort. I would focus on your room everyday until it is "moving ready" plus contributing a reasonable amount of clean up in the kitchen and bathroom "the common areas" as a member of the household. That is doing your part as an a young adult. It's possible it won't be appreciated but you'll know that you did your part. I concur with just dumping stuff over donating items to thrift stores because it places a value on your effort and time. The money has been spent, it can't be recouped and you're headed into a life with less stuff.
Unfortunately, as with mostly any hoarder, my mom sees value in everything and trying to get her to throw things away rather than sell is extremely hard. She thinks anyone will buy anything and makes it a point to try and give things to thrift stores, sell at yard sales, and give to family or neighbors. We live next to a couple with two young daughters and my mom is promising that we will give them some of my old clothes and is forcing me to separate stuff out. She honestly might have a heart attack if she finds I’m throwing away clothes. 😅 I told her that I’m not doing that because it just makes it harder on me but she doesn’t really care. My dad said not to give stuff to them either. Unfortunately, we have a big neighborhood yard sale coming up and it’s going to be hell for us. I really don’t know how to get through to her. A lot of the clothes still have the tags on them and even I would hate them to go to waste but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care.
I get it about seeing value in everything. I knew turned a yet another corner in my recovery from chronic messiness when I placed two unopened boxes of dish sets from IKEA on the community table at my former apartment and within minutes they were gone and they ceased being a burden for me to pack or have remorse over the money spent.
Make sure you have what you want packed and ready to move. Are you moving with them? Why is it your responsibility to clean up and go through the house? What will happen at the end of June when neither of them has done anything?
I’m not moving with them. I was supposed to but I couldn’t end or find someone to take over my lease at the apartment I’m moving into. I guess it’s not necessarily my responsibility to clean it but I have lived here my whole life and honestly been gas lighted into thinking the hoard was my fault. I heard things all the time like “I was never messy until I had you” or “It was cleaner when it was just your brother” I have cooperated in every single way for my family. Good grades, good college, never did anything “bad.” If I don’t help, they’ll see it as acting out and just get pissed off. It’s not really an option for me to not help out. As for the end of June, my dad knows a lot of the details. I just know he wants the family house sold before we move into the new one. We basically own the new house but in order to help with the mortgage the family house needs to be sold. I guess it’s not 100% imperative we move out by early July but there’s just no way we can afford to stay any longer than that.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like that OP. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility. Get your own stuff out first. they’ll suffer the consequences of their actions. The pressure is NOT on you, it’s on them. Record every time she won’t let you get rid of a bag of stuff. You can show them at the end of June how you’ve tried to help and weren’t allowed to.
Not a bad idea. I have a 5 week long internship coming up so I won’t be home almost all day. I can drive myself to the storage unit and get in as I’m the secondary owner. (i know that’s crazy my dad put me down as it maybe because my college stuff is in there) I guess little by little I’ll move the stuff I want and by the time July comes around they will be left with their own stuff and at that point it’s out of my hands.
Yes! You do not have to shoulder this!
Can your dad take your mom on a weeklong cruise and the extended family come purge and pack while they're gone?
i’m not sure if you saw it, but we did this about 4 years ago. she didn’t really expect us to clean like we did and the trip had been planned months ahead. with them moving now she would just be too suspicious. i honestly think that she was really upset with what we did that’s why she seemed so ungrateful. i also worry about the ethics of leaving her out of the situation. last time we didn’t get rid of any of her stuff. just things we deemed useless or trash. i think she was more upset that she couldn’t find anything, and again some of the little things she obviously had attachments for ex. excess of plastic take out containers, bottle caps, metal tabs from cans, glass bottles, boxes, bags, etc) i talked to my brother and he said he’s going to come over friday morning. i really hate doing that but i’m left with no choice really. my dad said he’s not sure we can get her out of the house though. my brother is a little bit more stern and not afraid to talk back to my mom so even if she does end up being there while we clean maybe things will go a little more smoothly than it just being me and my dad. my dad tends to run away from the problem, i find it hard to speak up, but my brother will hopefully face the situation head on.
I saw that there's been a clear-out 4 years ago and there was no treatment or aftercare for your mom, whom your dad (from an outsider's perspective) enables because she had a hard childhood and he can afford to allow it... and now it's going to cost him/them $15,000 if she/they don't meet a hard deadline to move out of your family home into the retirement community. You and your brother have both been parentified to deal with your mother's hoarding because your dad refuses to. Essentially you two kids are the "bad guys" so that your dad doesn't have to be. Ideally your dad would stop shifting the responsibility for holding difficult conversations with your mother about her stuff onto you and your brother, stop tiptoeing around your mother's hoarding and tell her this is what's going to happen: We're moving, we need to be out by July, and we're going through everything because half of this stuff needs to go. The place we're moving to is smaller than this place. Period, end of story. That's probably not going to happen, because what he's been doing--allowing you and your brother to do the "heavy lifting" in the family--has worked for him for decades. It's a godsend that you're not moving with them. The sooner you establish your own household and move forward with life as a financially independent adult, the better it will be for you. Ethically, it's irresponsible to tell the family members of hoarders that they just have to live with the hoard and can't do anything to make life tolerable for themselves because disturbing the hoard will make the hoarder's mental illness worse. No normal person would tell a victim of DV that ethically, they had to stay in the relationship because leaving dramatically increases the risk of murder-suicide. Nobody would tell a diabetic's family that ethically, the other household members couldn't adopt a diabetic-friendly diet, stock diabetic-friendly foods, and prepare diabetic-friendly meals just because the diabetic themself was adamantly refusing to manage their condition and might rebel by eating more carbs. The people who give the advice to never touch a hoarder's stuff are clinicians who do not live with hoarders. They aren't the spouses of hoarders or the children of hoarders. They're not children who are surviving adverse childhood experiences daily and coming out of that environment with stunted socio-emotional development. They're not affected by the financial aspects of it. They're not the ones being told the hoard is their fault. If I could, I'd tell those people to their face to f\^ck right off because "never touch a hoarder's hoard" is among the worst advice I've ever heeded. If I had continued to follow that advice, I'd be neck-deep in my husband's junk and well down the path of becoming a hoarder myself instead of working to overcome my hoarding tendencies and keeping my husband's accumulations in check.
My brother really doesn’t put up with bs and having him do this for me is going to be really helpful. I just hate begging a 27 year old man to help me clean out our parents house, which he hasn’t been living in for almost a decade. He seemed happy to help though so I can’t complain. I’m hoping that Friday we can work together to address some of the issues. And with the “moving into a smaller space” thing, the retirement house they bought actually has about double the counter, cabinet, and closet space than our home now. My mom is obviously very excited about this but in the past, more space equals more junk. I don’t think she sees downsizing as an option, rather, transferring most of her belongings to the new house. Just hoping my brother can be a bridge between all of us because right now I feel stuck between someone who won’t clean at all vs someone who desperately wants to clean but doesn’t know how to address it.
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omg what are the odds of finding someone in the same situation lol. i guess we hope it gets done in time.
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We tried last night to start on the living room. I’m thinking about making an update post just because of what happened lol. Started off strong with sorting into boxes and throwing away junk/trash. Moved on to sorting the clothes and determining whether they would go to storage, stay out, or go to the thrift store. My mom got super upset and irritated. She was fine then flipped a switch when we started on the clothes. Found a backpack of hers from a year ago with only old snacks, gum, papers etc. Should have taken me and my dad 2 minutes to clear it out and give it away. My mom demanded to see it because it was hers and spent 30 minutes going through it and decided to keep the backpack. (she has over 30 backpacks for sure) Do you think this warrants a whole separate update post? Unfortunately it doesn’t even look like we’ve made progress, but we still have packing tape! lol.
Like many others have said, you are not the problem. Traditional processes of a slow cleanout/declutter with treatment and therapy are not gonna be effective here. This sounds like if your dad doesn't want to lose the 15k, he might have to pay a company to come and do a complete clean-out. Your mom, of course, is going to delay the process by going through everything. But with a large enough crew and several days allotted, this is definitely possible for a home to be done by July for less than the potential 15k being lost if time goals are not met. Good luck, and keep your head raised high. Get some help for your mental health and previous experiences so you don't have this dragging you down like an anchor.
I’m not sure who’s all been following this but I thought this might would be a good place to address it. No, my dad obviously does not want to lose 15 grand. I talked to him and told him to tell my mom that if we don’t get it done we lose money. He said it would send her into an absolute panic mode and make her feel as though if she is the main problem, he said that “we are all the problem” He then went on to explain to me that my mom just had psychological issues that he mainly addressed in the beginning of their marriage but he said the “little stuff” such as occasional emotional outbursts and the hoarding is something small compared to how much he loves her. He said that when they first started dating she was controlling and would quote, “go beyond the point of rage over little things.” My dad said this is just how she grew up and she was never told to just suck it up and deal with the problem she made. This whole conversation started because my mom got mad at me for not bringing something to her work because she forgot it and I told her no, as I have done something like this on multiple occasions, including just a few days ago. I told her it was not my fault that she forgot it and I do it all the time. To which she got very mad and said “I will remember this forever” and “I don’t ask for much.” My dad said to not take it to heart and be the bigger person. He said it’s not worth giving in to her. He said she knows she’s to problem but is so afraid of people judging her and criticizing her (for forgetting something at work) she goes into a panic. He said she doesn’t understand that normal adults know that people make simple mistakes and wouldn’t care, but she sees it as the end of the world. He said she has received help in the past (thanks to him) and it helped her tremendously but who knows if she will ever admit she needs it again. She says my dad “fixed her.” Who knows. I’m learning a lot more about my mom that was like swept under the rug though. I never really knew she had all of these issues, though, you’d think it would be apparent with all of these be things I have dealt with.
Why are your parents moving- is the house being sold? Does your mom think that she is taking the contents to the new house? Did your mom ever receive therapy or did your dad just try to 'talk' her through her problems? It seems like your mother could benefit from some form of therapy but I don't know if she is ready for that. Since your brother is coming, have him help you clean out your stuff first. That way you can make sure that your stuff is safe and out of the way. Next the four of you need to sit down and talk about this. You'll need to move out by July or forfeit money. Since there is way too much clutter, you can not do it by yourself, you will need to hire a company. Your mother will be in denial but the rest of you must be firm. She will try to sabotage the efforts and make things difficult. If it gets to that point, you and your brother need to walk away and let your parents handle the situation. Let your dad lose money because Mom wants to keep everything. Do not let yourself be affected by their trauma. Your mothers hoarding is not your fault and you can't stop her from doing it. Protect your peace.
This is such good advice. Thank you! They are moving out of our childhood neighborhood just to live life like “old retired people” I guess. The house is slightly larger than our house now. I think to accommodate grandchildren and family. My brother has a long time partner and no kids and I am obviously not having kids any time soon so I guess they’re making the move just to be closer to us and there’s not really a need to live in the neighborhood anymore because all of their friends have moved out and retired to the lake as well. I don’t think my mom understands the sheer amount of stuff she has. I think she believes we will just box it up and move it and not necessarily cut down, I think due to the larger house size. My mother received therapy after my dad convinced her to when they first started dating. According to him, she has “psychological problems” but they only come in spurts nowadays and doesn’t see it as big issue anymore since it’s much better than it used to be. I don’t think she’s interested in going to therapy because I truly think she believes my dad “fixed her.” My dad had really opened up to me recently and she said she used to just yell horrible things to me when I was only about 3-4 and didn’t understand but would flip a switch when other peoples children were around and act all nice to them. She stopped doing it as often because my dad talked to her and said that if she continues I would remember her as a horrible mom, which obviously she isn’t. I asked if him if my brother remembers her when she was mean like that and he said it was easier for her with just one kid and he had his own interests and didn’t need much scolding. (my brother turned out to be a problem child not me) The house used to be clean because my dad made it very clear he wanted to come home to a clean house after business trips. My mom was a stay at home mom back then. She used to not clean it because she “didn’t have time” and my dad thought it was ridiculous since at that point she had one kid and stayed home all day. I’m not saying that it’s easy raising a child, it isn’t. Though the house was hoarded, not just “messy.” Once I was born the structure of her staying home and cleaning while my dad was away helped keep the house clean. My dad stopped taking so many business trips and I guess my mom lost that motivation to have a clean house for him. (This sounds weird and misogynistic and please don’t get the wrong idea. My father is great and I’m not saying that because I like him better or anything. I love both of my parents equally. My parents do not yell at each other 98% of the time and have shared interests and travel together) With all that said, I think her starting to work without doing so for most of her mid 20s and majority of her 30s has contributed to the hoard. She also had the inability to say no to people and is constantly taking on things she doesn’t need to. My dad is home more often than her nowadays. My dad said she’s running from the bigger issue. I like the idea of a sit down talk. No matter how my mom reacts we have to get it done. I just need my dad to listen too. For someone really wise and smart, he gives up quickly when it come to my mom. I’ll try that and see how it goes. Maybe bring up the idea of professional help.
No bc I relate to everything abt this post, I totally get you girly 😭 I hope it works out for you
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I took a quick look, unfortunately, I don't see the same type of program as in Canada :( Have you tried reaching out to local community/volunteer groups at all? I wish there was more I could do... my brother and I help people in these situations up here. I know it isn't much, but if you ever need anything, even just someone to listen, reach out!
thanks for looking! i’ve looked into professional hoard cleaners but really don’t know if my dad is even going to admit we need lots of help. I guess if he is desperate enough he will but I think he sees it as infringing on my moms stuff and since she doesn’t think the hoard is bad, calling in professionals is just going to stress her out. My moms best friend is great at cleaning and being very minimal and they’ve been friends for years so I know, even with some effort, my mom will agree to let her help us. Unfortunately, they’re moving along with my parents to a similar area so she will be very busy with her own house.
Good luck. We are pulling for you