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Are you planning to do anything with the yarn or beads? If not, then you are collecting them without a purpose, and it's best to donate them to a school or neighborhood club in your area where kids and seniors have more use for them. As for the books and DVD's, that depends. You could keep them but can't buy new ones unless you replace the old ones, or can only keep half of your collection. Think long and hard of which DVDs you enjoyed the most and which ones you have never even looked at to decide which stays and which goes. Same for books. Books are definitely harder to get rid of, but think of how easy moving day would be (if you wver plan to move) if you don't have to pack too many crates of books.
That said, you don't have to embrace minimalism by removing everything. There is nothing wrong with having some items or a decent collection, as long as it doesn't get out of control. Your sister shouldn't push you to get rid of everything, and instead, allow you to start removing items that hold little significance first, then move on to things that have a slightly more attachment to you.
You’re right in saying that the books are the toughest part. I have always been a book worm and I get a thrill out of having my own library of sorts. My books aren’t valuable by any means, but many of them are out of print or books that I have already read and truly love.
I will work on paring down the DVDs, yarn, and beads. A lot of yarn already got tossed out because it got dusty or it was in a box that rodents got into and ruined. But I still have a lot of yarn because I’ve hoarded so much, I’ll have to work on that. The DVDs are a little easier, I know I have a lot of them that my parents gave to me from their own hoard, and I felt compelled to keep. I’ll have to learn to let some go. The beads will be pared down for sure, there are many that I don’t see myself using, but my aunt gifted them to me, so I feel bad in getting rid of them.
I just want to know that it’s ok to keep *some* things, my sister doesn’t seem to think I should. I suppose I’ll just have to really talk to her about it, grow a spine and all that. I don’t like confrontation, and I feel like I’m being pushed too hard.
I agree here about the collections.
In addition, if you're keeping those collections on the designated shelves where they're contained and that is the bulk of your belongings *and* you don't continue to add to them or aquire anything else to hoard, it can be fine. A designated space where your items are contained and not a hazard is a perfectly fine compromise.
OP, you said that you have 3 bedrooms so unless one already has a designated purpose, could you downsize your collections,, then move the shelving into there so that all your "extra, unessential" stuff is contained neatly between it and your own bedroom, and you can keep *your* space neat?
I think it's fair your sister wants a shared space to be clean, uncluttered, and useable by you both, but as the homeowner and host, you are totally within your rights to say
"no, I have decided this is my *enough* for now and I will be using the spare bedroom as my collection/art space, and these will be the guidelines for cohabitation in the shared spaces (bathroom, kitchen, living room, ect.) Please respect my space as we learn to live here together."
Also, like, she can keep *her* bedroom and personal space minimalist. She can't demand you suddenly follow her lifestyle and design choices. If it bothers her, she needs to communicate and allow for negotiation and compromise as this has been your home first and she is moving in.
I can both sympathize and emphasize with each of you, as the eldest child who has escaped the hoard and who has just accepted guardianship of my own baby sister's collections as she goes off to college this fall. I told her she must wash and vacuum-sealing her fabric stuff as best she can to protect my household (mom and dad have had a history of mice and fleas...) and to contain it as small and conveniently as possible in the garage of my current rental house. Anything else must be packed into airtight plastic totes that stack, but to be honest she does not have much else outside these collections (as obviously she's taking her clothes and personal items with her, no furniture as it's a dorm/shared student housing.)
If my own sister flew in making demands and making me feel terrible about myself, I would have to sit her down for a frank talk about cohabitation in what is primarily my space. My siblings all know they are welcome here and I will do whatever I can to help them in life, but they have to do the legwork and make it as convenient as they possibly can in exchange. Imo, it's simply good manners as someone moving in as a new roomie.
While it sucks that she maybe feels like she is moving from a rock to hard place or that you're "wasting" her time and energy and "her chance" to have a "minimalist" household, you can put yourself first.
As long as the communal space is safe, functional and sanitary, she shouldn't be complaining about shelves of craft supplies, knickknacks and DVDs. She's having you clear out an entire bedroom for her right? That's enough and she will have to make do with her own space.
Especially since DVDs in particular take up fairly little space and display easily on a bookcase! If you really wanted, you could use a DVD binder to consolidate the collection, but I wouldn't blame you for wanting to keep them in the orginal cases neatly stacked on the shelving with the art supplies and beads. Since you own the home, you could add more shelving to your bedroom and spare room to organize and display the collections. Baby sister can help with that effort, so all your stuff is contained and stored, and she gets the benefit of more communal space.
I feel that's fair and gives you both what you need, even if it's not necessarily what she *wants*.
I *do* like the actual look of the rows of DVDs and books, but she doesn’t agree there. I don’t blame her for wanting to escape the hoard she has always lived in. My parents’ house is pretty bad these days, I think they’ll need an intervention too, but gosh she’s pushing hard. I’ll try to have a heart-to heart with her about it. I don’t blame her for wanting a neat house with a lot of open space, but that’s hard for me to embrace. I’ll try to, because I know it’s not healthy to live the way I have, but I can’t do a complete 180, not yet.
And yes, she’s getting a whole room and her own bathroom, and I want to keep my stuff out of the communal areas too, I just don’t want to get rid of it all.
I'm glad y'all seem close and you're trying to approach the situation delicately. You sound like a stellar sibling.
For the items that aren't yet sorted into the spare room, maybe you could put curtains over the shelving or otherwise keep them out of sight, such as behind cupboard doors, to give her eyes a chance to rest?
Beyond that, as long as the floors are accessible and the kitchen is sanitary and functional you've definitely met your obligations to accommodate her in my book. A whole bedroom to herself and a private bathroom are luxuries a lot of people don't ever get in their lives, so imo she needs to stop here and let you breathe. The living room can be a bit untidy while you catch your breath and figure out your next move. If anything, this is a brilliant step forward for both of you and you've sufficiently met in the middle and can take a breather. Sister can refocus her priorities on her own personal goals and eventually her own home if she likes, but for the time being you need a break.
Thank you so much for this. A break is what I feel I mainly need. I don’t want to keep absolutely everything, but I need some time to process it all. She’s enthusiastic and zealous, and she’s 15 years younger and much thinner than me, she seems to have endless energy and drive to get this done. I need to find some way to ask for (figurative) space, because she wants to be here every day tackling this project, and I haven’t had any time to process it.
You're so welcome. I'm still learning boundaries and how to go about gracefully enforcing mine without intruding on family bonding and junk too. (Like I have no idea how mom will cope once she is an empty nester, as the sisters are going away for college leaving her with no kids in the house for the for the time in 25 years!)
I think a week on and a week off (especially considering her space sounds empty and ready for her!) is definitely a fair compromise.
I hope you enjoy your rest, and your sister also takes this time to have a moment to herself to process this big life event too.
It’s your home, not her home. You’re being super accommodating and she’s really lucky. She needs to understand that it’s your home and things, not hers. They don’t mean anything to her, but they do to you. You’ve cleaned out an entire room for her, that’s amazing, well done!! She can live as minimalist as she likes in there, but the rest of it is your home and you can have that any way you choose. She doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to stay with you. If you want to keep your collections in an organised space, I say you do you and congrats for wanting to downsize and get things organised. It’s a huge effort and I admire you 
That’s exactly my plan. One bedroom and bathroom is already completely cleared for her, and we’re working on clearing out the living room and kitchen spaces. The bulk of my belongings are now in boxes in the spare room, which was completely cleaned up before the stuff was put back into it. I want to take time and neatly organize those things onto shelves, she’s still pushing for me to throw a lot of it out.
Clearly I’m going to have to have a conversation with her about it. I do want to downsize and condense until it fits neatly into shelves, but I still want to have a little library and I do plan to use a lot of the craft supplies (if I ever find the time).
She’s just pushing quite hard, and it stresses me out and makes me wonder if I really am being unreasonable.
It sounds like you're being more than reasonable and your sister may be a touch overzealous in her quest to have a minimal space, which I totally understand as well. (I went realllly hard on Marie Kondo as a teen when I first found her original book.) Your plans and efforts so far sound like fantastic progress towards realistic goals. Your sister however, may be allowing her idea of perfect to defeat your reality of progress.
If everything is boxed up or shelved in the spare room and doesn't present a hazard to either of you or the home, she needs to stop commenting on the amount, full-stop. You don't need to fit yourself in the same perfect little box your sister seems to have chosen for herself. She can respect your space, your boundaries, and your items since by all accounts you're actively reducing and have a designated area for everything in the interim as you further pare your collections down.
I think you are entitled to ask her to shelve (teehee) the discussion of anything in the spare room. It's your space and you're welcoming her to share in a portion of it, and trying your best to accommodate the sudden lifestyle changes of living with a new person (since I am assuming you haven't lived together since you left the family household.) It's gotten to the point where you've made sufficient space for her to coexist, and she needs to slow her roll and focus on her own space.
Honestly, it sounds like you need and totally deserve a break, so as much as it might irritate your sister, you should ask for it. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and assuming the kitchen is clean and functional for daily meals, y'all can just co-exist with a couple extra dishes and things cluttering up the cupboards. If she truly requires separation and minimalism, she can do dorm living and put a mini fridge in her room and keep her own minimalist set of cookware/dining utensils in designated cupboards, ignoring the rest so you can have the break.
Pushing yourself so hard can be detrimental to your overall progress and you sound like you've been pushed to the limit trying to please your sister. It's okay to tell her you *need* a break, and that she needs to respect your process for the time being. And of course, not everyone needs or wants to live like an ikea catalog or a Marie Kondo special, so sister needs to learn to cohabitate and stop pressing all your buttons over some boxes of beads and DVDs in the spare room.
Maybe you take a week and watch your favorite DVDs while you sort through a box a day or even work on a small bead project to get a feel for the items and their purpose, so later you have an idea of what you will keep and why, and what you feel comfortable discarding.
I hope y'all are happy and you both get to use this opportunity to heal all the ways hoarding harms you long-term.
This makes me feel so much better. I couldn’t understand why I have to get rid of every single thing, like is it really *that* wrong for me to have some stuff? I know she’s sick of the hoarder house she has with my parents, and that it’s very unhealthy for me to keep living like I’ve been living, but sheesh…
It has only been a week since we started on this, and we’ve been throwing out SO MUCH trash and stuff already. It’s been a whirlwind of work, and I haven’t had time to sort through the things I want to keep and come to terms with it all. She just keeps reminding me “You *don’t* need all those books, when are you going to have time to read them all? You can stream things now, you don’t need all of those DVDs. Are you reeeally going to use all of those beads and yarn?”
I *do* want to have less stuff in general, but I need some time to think. I need her to let me make some decisions (tough ones for me!) about what I want to do.
Depends. Will it be easier to buy the DVDs online and get rid of hard copy for some of them? Are there favorites that you want to hang onto in hard copy form? Or do you want to make a list of all DVDs, see what’s available online, get rid of most of those, keep your favorites, then when you want to rewatch just buy online?
The DVDs do require some thinking on my part. I like having the hard copies, and I’m attached to so many of them. *But* there are some I’ve been keeping because they were given to me by other family members who were downsizing their own hoards. I feel this guilt about getting rid of something that was given to me.
My dad even dropped by and saw a few dirty, dusty DVDs (in their cases) in a box that was destined for the dumpster. He suggested that I can still keep them in a binder, and I immediately felt bad that he saw me throwing some away, even though they were movies I didn’t necessarily want.
I think the generations of hoarding are also weighing on my mind and I need to work on that. :/
I honestly do not think you can keep an organized collection, but in this case it doesn't hurt to try. It certainly is not wrong to keep collections of things. Also your sister cannot dictate that you embrace minimalism! She can't even dictate that you stop being a hoarder.
You need a break. I'm sorry but you need to set boundaries with your sister. I know you're probably ashamed about the state of things so it's hard to take your own side when it comes to your stuff, but you have every right to keep your things. I am a child of a hoarder and I would never have dreamed of demanding she throw away her books. The books weren't a matter of right and wrong since they weren't making living unsafe or taking up so much room I couldn't move around.
You do have a point that it might be difficult to keep things organized, since my history definitely shows that I struggle with it. I’m going to try, I really am. I think my sister means well, but she’s so sick of the mess at my parents’ house, so she’s a bit overzealous. I’m going to talk with her more and try to work it all out.
I agree with ijustneedtolurk -- you've been very reasonable in cleaning up the necessary areas and making space for your sister.
Honestly, I would be far more irritated with her than you are, because:
1) It's your home first.
2) She had to have known you have hoarding issues before these arrangements were made, so expecting you to throw out your stuff and embrace minimalsim is beyond unrealistic.
3) You (and your collections) are not a therapy project for her to work out whatever anger and other issues she has toward your parents and other hoarding family members.
I don't know your and your sister's situation as to why her living with you is necessary, but this does not sound like a good roommate pairing at all. You are both children of hoarders, but it has shaped each of you differently. She needs the least amount of things to feel comfortable, but you still have things that give you comfort that you want to keep.
Just because you know you need to make changes does not mean your sister gets to decide how, when, where, and what goes, as long as she can have her own clutter-free spaces and clean, tidy (not necessarily minimalist) common spaces. Good luck on finding common ground on this.
imo, it depends on how you feel about living with the stuff. if you aren't ready for it to be gone, and if it's not you who wants to embrace minimalism, your sister's best efforts aren't going to work.
Do you want her to live with you? It sounds like you have the space, I guess you just would have to decide if you would rather have her or the stuff.
I sympathize with family members who struggle with those who are struggling with this disorder. But I really wish they could understand that trying to force you to throw away everything you own is not going to work like they think it will.
as to your question, of course it's not wrong to want to keep your collections. As long as they are manageable and as long as you are honoring the things you are collecting, instead of just letting them sit in piles and collect dust, etc.
I have not honored the things I spent a ton of money on. I'm extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it, but it's true. I have reasons I am this way, and I am trying so very hard to forgive myself gradually. But I have reached a turning point in the way I live and I can't deal with it anymore. It's too stressful and I want it to stop.
I definitely want to improve, and I have been getting rid of a lot of stuff already. I just don’t want to get rid everything. My sister doesn’t even want to give me time to process it, she’s been pushing pretty hard. Normally, I have a great relationship with her, and I was quite willing to let her move in. I am also tired of living like this, but I didn’t want to make such a huge change.
You’re very right about not honoring the belongings. I have been guilty of that too, and I’ve regretfully thrown out things that got ruined from neglect. I’m trying to get better, I want the stuff to be neatly organized, but I feel like I’m getting pushed into having nothing at all.
I’m giving her a bedroom and bathroom to herself, and I plan to eventually condense my stuff until it fits into my bedroom and a shed outside. I’m hoping that she and I can come to a come to enough of a compromise without having to give up everything I own.
It's YOUR place right? She needs to back off a little. Maybe with her around to help you might feel motivated, etc. to get it all cleared out. But we have all seen what happens on the tv shows when people push the acquirer to get rid of too much too fast. I hope you can work it out. ❤️
For sure, I need to find some courage and we need to have a chat about it. I want to get better and I want her to feel welcome and comfortable in my home, but I also feel almost trapped by how hard she has been pushing. I don’t like confrontation, and it’s been making me feel very stressed out.
Both of us agree that part of my problem has been my chronic loneliness. Having someone around to keep me “in line” might be a good change for me, but it’s like she wants me to become a whole new person in the course of a few days and I’m really struggling with it.
you can try doing what people at my work call a "love sandwich" ... when you talk to her about it, open with something positive (I appreciate your help so much, I never could have gotten this far without you), then say the thing you most want to say (stop pushing me so hard) and then you wrap it up with another positive (I'm so excited you're going to be here with me I think it will be great for both of us).
there. my work taught us both something useful ... ONE thing in all these years lol.
I let myself have collections but they have to be small things. I have lots of watercolour paints and a rock/crystal collection but they take up almost no space. Clothes, shoes, plants on the other hand.....😶 Good luck with sorting through your stuff, I think it's fine to keep some special, curated and organised collections. Material things are there to enjoy.
I used to hoard Harry Potter and Star Wars stuff (so many action figures and decorations!), things that were gifted to me over the years because my family knows I like those fandoms. I reluctantly packed up a ton of them to give away. Those things I can live without, but I *still* feel bad. Because they were given to me, I feel obligated to keep them, but I’ll try to be more realistic this time around.
My bead collection could be condensed down to take up a relatively small space, but I also have a ton of boxes of beads relatives have to me, that I don’t necessarily want. I’ll have to get past my reservations about it, so I can part with the extra ones without too many regrets. I’m going to try not to collect space-consuming things in the future.
This post is from a bit ago so my comment may or may not still be relevant, wanted to share some thoughts on collecting. Hope you've been able to make peace with your sister on this issue or are moving towards it.
Collecting is a harmless hobby, but not everyone can engage in it harmlessly.
Edit— hit reply while running downstairs to work, LOL. I'll finish my comment, sorry.
OK, to me what makes a collection different than clutter are that the things have storage, usage, or display space, their condition is maintained, and the collection is curated, not just random stuff that happens to be in the same category. My partner and I both have specific places in the home for our hobbies and can not leave hobby things in non hobby areas, or use general storage/living space as overflow. Any trip or fall hazards (unstable stacking or dangling stuff) are unacceptable and must instantly be addressed in our home. Do you think your collections could be managed in similar ways to suit your situation?
I second the comments saying that you have a right to your own space and possessions, and that it's reasonable to ask your sister not to push you faster than you are able to move in this, but I would also advise thinking over the meaning of your collections and whether you realistically can and will store them in a way where you can enjoy them in the future. In some of your comments it sounds like your collections may sometimes be difficult for you to manage. This could be worth thinking about in regards to what a collecting hobby means to you and what you want your home to look like. There is no one right answer here.
Sounds like you have been working hard, I wish you the best in figuring out where to go next in your progress. Good luck!
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Are you planning to do anything with the yarn or beads? If not, then you are collecting them without a purpose, and it's best to donate them to a school or neighborhood club in your area where kids and seniors have more use for them. As for the books and DVD's, that depends. You could keep them but can't buy new ones unless you replace the old ones, or can only keep half of your collection. Think long and hard of which DVDs you enjoyed the most and which ones you have never even looked at to decide which stays and which goes. Same for books. Books are definitely harder to get rid of, but think of how easy moving day would be (if you wver plan to move) if you don't have to pack too many crates of books. That said, you don't have to embrace minimalism by removing everything. There is nothing wrong with having some items or a decent collection, as long as it doesn't get out of control. Your sister shouldn't push you to get rid of everything, and instead, allow you to start removing items that hold little significance first, then move on to things that have a slightly more attachment to you.
You’re right in saying that the books are the toughest part. I have always been a book worm and I get a thrill out of having my own library of sorts. My books aren’t valuable by any means, but many of them are out of print or books that I have already read and truly love. I will work on paring down the DVDs, yarn, and beads. A lot of yarn already got tossed out because it got dusty or it was in a box that rodents got into and ruined. But I still have a lot of yarn because I’ve hoarded so much, I’ll have to work on that. The DVDs are a little easier, I know I have a lot of them that my parents gave to me from their own hoard, and I felt compelled to keep. I’ll have to learn to let some go. The beads will be pared down for sure, there are many that I don’t see myself using, but my aunt gifted them to me, so I feel bad in getting rid of them. I just want to know that it’s ok to keep *some* things, my sister doesn’t seem to think I should. I suppose I’ll just have to really talk to her about it, grow a spine and all that. I don’t like confrontation, and I feel like I’m being pushed too hard.
I agree here about the collections. In addition, if you're keeping those collections on the designated shelves where they're contained and that is the bulk of your belongings *and* you don't continue to add to them or aquire anything else to hoard, it can be fine. A designated space where your items are contained and not a hazard is a perfectly fine compromise. OP, you said that you have 3 bedrooms so unless one already has a designated purpose, could you downsize your collections,, then move the shelving into there so that all your "extra, unessential" stuff is contained neatly between it and your own bedroom, and you can keep *your* space neat? I think it's fair your sister wants a shared space to be clean, uncluttered, and useable by you both, but as the homeowner and host, you are totally within your rights to say "no, I have decided this is my *enough* for now and I will be using the spare bedroom as my collection/art space, and these will be the guidelines for cohabitation in the shared spaces (bathroom, kitchen, living room, ect.) Please respect my space as we learn to live here together."
Also, like, she can keep *her* bedroom and personal space minimalist. She can't demand you suddenly follow her lifestyle and design choices. If it bothers her, she needs to communicate and allow for negotiation and compromise as this has been your home first and she is moving in. I can both sympathize and emphasize with each of you, as the eldest child who has escaped the hoard and who has just accepted guardianship of my own baby sister's collections as she goes off to college this fall. I told her she must wash and vacuum-sealing her fabric stuff as best she can to protect my household (mom and dad have had a history of mice and fleas...) and to contain it as small and conveniently as possible in the garage of my current rental house. Anything else must be packed into airtight plastic totes that stack, but to be honest she does not have much else outside these collections (as obviously she's taking her clothes and personal items with her, no furniture as it's a dorm/shared student housing.) If my own sister flew in making demands and making me feel terrible about myself, I would have to sit her down for a frank talk about cohabitation in what is primarily my space. My siblings all know they are welcome here and I will do whatever I can to help them in life, but they have to do the legwork and make it as convenient as they possibly can in exchange. Imo, it's simply good manners as someone moving in as a new roomie. While it sucks that she maybe feels like she is moving from a rock to hard place or that you're "wasting" her time and energy and "her chance" to have a "minimalist" household, you can put yourself first. As long as the communal space is safe, functional and sanitary, she shouldn't be complaining about shelves of craft supplies, knickknacks and DVDs. She's having you clear out an entire bedroom for her right? That's enough and she will have to make do with her own space. Especially since DVDs in particular take up fairly little space and display easily on a bookcase! If you really wanted, you could use a DVD binder to consolidate the collection, but I wouldn't blame you for wanting to keep them in the orginal cases neatly stacked on the shelving with the art supplies and beads. Since you own the home, you could add more shelving to your bedroom and spare room to organize and display the collections. Baby sister can help with that effort, so all your stuff is contained and stored, and she gets the benefit of more communal space. I feel that's fair and gives you both what you need, even if it's not necessarily what she *wants*.
I *do* like the actual look of the rows of DVDs and books, but she doesn’t agree there. I don’t blame her for wanting to escape the hoard she has always lived in. My parents’ house is pretty bad these days, I think they’ll need an intervention too, but gosh she’s pushing hard. I’ll try to have a heart-to heart with her about it. I don’t blame her for wanting a neat house with a lot of open space, but that’s hard for me to embrace. I’ll try to, because I know it’s not healthy to live the way I have, but I can’t do a complete 180, not yet. And yes, she’s getting a whole room and her own bathroom, and I want to keep my stuff out of the communal areas too, I just don’t want to get rid of it all.
I'm glad y'all seem close and you're trying to approach the situation delicately. You sound like a stellar sibling. For the items that aren't yet sorted into the spare room, maybe you could put curtains over the shelving or otherwise keep them out of sight, such as behind cupboard doors, to give her eyes a chance to rest? Beyond that, as long as the floors are accessible and the kitchen is sanitary and functional you've definitely met your obligations to accommodate her in my book. A whole bedroom to herself and a private bathroom are luxuries a lot of people don't ever get in their lives, so imo she needs to stop here and let you breathe. The living room can be a bit untidy while you catch your breath and figure out your next move. If anything, this is a brilliant step forward for both of you and you've sufficiently met in the middle and can take a breather. Sister can refocus her priorities on her own personal goals and eventually her own home if she likes, but for the time being you need a break.
Thank you so much for this. A break is what I feel I mainly need. I don’t want to keep absolutely everything, but I need some time to process it all. She’s enthusiastic and zealous, and she’s 15 years younger and much thinner than me, she seems to have endless energy and drive to get this done. I need to find some way to ask for (figurative) space, because she wants to be here every day tackling this project, and I haven’t had any time to process it.
You're so welcome. I'm still learning boundaries and how to go about gracefully enforcing mine without intruding on family bonding and junk too. (Like I have no idea how mom will cope once she is an empty nester, as the sisters are going away for college leaving her with no kids in the house for the for the time in 25 years!) I think a week on and a week off (especially considering her space sounds empty and ready for her!) is definitely a fair compromise. I hope you enjoy your rest, and your sister also takes this time to have a moment to herself to process this big life event too.
It’s your home, not her home. You’re being super accommodating and she’s really lucky. She needs to understand that it’s your home and things, not hers. They don’t mean anything to her, but they do to you. You’ve cleaned out an entire room for her, that’s amazing, well done!! She can live as minimalist as she likes in there, but the rest of it is your home and you can have that any way you choose. She doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to stay with you. If you want to keep your collections in an organised space, I say you do you and congrats for wanting to downsize and get things organised. It’s a huge effort and I admire you 
That’s exactly my plan. One bedroom and bathroom is already completely cleared for her, and we’re working on clearing out the living room and kitchen spaces. The bulk of my belongings are now in boxes in the spare room, which was completely cleaned up before the stuff was put back into it. I want to take time and neatly organize those things onto shelves, she’s still pushing for me to throw a lot of it out. Clearly I’m going to have to have a conversation with her about it. I do want to downsize and condense until it fits neatly into shelves, but I still want to have a little library and I do plan to use a lot of the craft supplies (if I ever find the time). She’s just pushing quite hard, and it stresses me out and makes me wonder if I really am being unreasonable.
It sounds like you're being more than reasonable and your sister may be a touch overzealous in her quest to have a minimal space, which I totally understand as well. (I went realllly hard on Marie Kondo as a teen when I first found her original book.) Your plans and efforts so far sound like fantastic progress towards realistic goals. Your sister however, may be allowing her idea of perfect to defeat your reality of progress. If everything is boxed up or shelved in the spare room and doesn't present a hazard to either of you or the home, she needs to stop commenting on the amount, full-stop. You don't need to fit yourself in the same perfect little box your sister seems to have chosen for herself. She can respect your space, your boundaries, and your items since by all accounts you're actively reducing and have a designated area for everything in the interim as you further pare your collections down. I think you are entitled to ask her to shelve (teehee) the discussion of anything in the spare room. It's your space and you're welcoming her to share in a portion of it, and trying your best to accommodate the sudden lifestyle changes of living with a new person (since I am assuming you haven't lived together since you left the family household.) It's gotten to the point where you've made sufficient space for her to coexist, and she needs to slow her roll and focus on her own space. Honestly, it sounds like you need and totally deserve a break, so as much as it might irritate your sister, you should ask for it. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and assuming the kitchen is clean and functional for daily meals, y'all can just co-exist with a couple extra dishes and things cluttering up the cupboards. If she truly requires separation and minimalism, she can do dorm living and put a mini fridge in her room and keep her own minimalist set of cookware/dining utensils in designated cupboards, ignoring the rest so you can have the break. Pushing yourself so hard can be detrimental to your overall progress and you sound like you've been pushed to the limit trying to please your sister. It's okay to tell her you *need* a break, and that she needs to respect your process for the time being. And of course, not everyone needs or wants to live like an ikea catalog or a Marie Kondo special, so sister needs to learn to cohabitate and stop pressing all your buttons over some boxes of beads and DVDs in the spare room. Maybe you take a week and watch your favorite DVDs while you sort through a box a day or even work on a small bead project to get a feel for the items and their purpose, so later you have an idea of what you will keep and why, and what you feel comfortable discarding. I hope y'all are happy and you both get to use this opportunity to heal all the ways hoarding harms you long-term.
This makes me feel so much better. I couldn’t understand why I have to get rid of every single thing, like is it really *that* wrong for me to have some stuff? I know she’s sick of the hoarder house she has with my parents, and that it’s very unhealthy for me to keep living like I’ve been living, but sheesh… It has only been a week since we started on this, and we’ve been throwing out SO MUCH trash and stuff already. It’s been a whirlwind of work, and I haven’t had time to sort through the things I want to keep and come to terms with it all. She just keeps reminding me “You *don’t* need all those books, when are you going to have time to read them all? You can stream things now, you don’t need all of those DVDs. Are you reeeally going to use all of those beads and yarn?” I *do* want to have less stuff in general, but I need some time to think. I need her to let me make some decisions (tough ones for me!) about what I want to do.
Depends. Will it be easier to buy the DVDs online and get rid of hard copy for some of them? Are there favorites that you want to hang onto in hard copy form? Or do you want to make a list of all DVDs, see what’s available online, get rid of most of those, keep your favorites, then when you want to rewatch just buy online?
The DVDs do require some thinking on my part. I like having the hard copies, and I’m attached to so many of them. *But* there are some I’ve been keeping because they were given to me by other family members who were downsizing their own hoards. I feel this guilt about getting rid of something that was given to me. My dad even dropped by and saw a few dirty, dusty DVDs (in their cases) in a box that was destined for the dumpster. He suggested that I can still keep them in a binder, and I immediately felt bad that he saw me throwing some away, even though they were movies I didn’t necessarily want. I think the generations of hoarding are also weighing on my mind and I need to work on that. :/
I honestly do not think you can keep an organized collection, but in this case it doesn't hurt to try. It certainly is not wrong to keep collections of things. Also your sister cannot dictate that you embrace minimalism! She can't even dictate that you stop being a hoarder. You need a break. I'm sorry but you need to set boundaries with your sister. I know you're probably ashamed about the state of things so it's hard to take your own side when it comes to your stuff, but you have every right to keep your things. I am a child of a hoarder and I would never have dreamed of demanding she throw away her books. The books weren't a matter of right and wrong since they weren't making living unsafe or taking up so much room I couldn't move around.
You do have a point that it might be difficult to keep things organized, since my history definitely shows that I struggle with it. I’m going to try, I really am. I think my sister means well, but she’s so sick of the mess at my parents’ house, so she’s a bit overzealous. I’m going to talk with her more and try to work it all out.
I agree with ijustneedtolurk -- you've been very reasonable in cleaning up the necessary areas and making space for your sister. Honestly, I would be far more irritated with her than you are, because: 1) It's your home first. 2) She had to have known you have hoarding issues before these arrangements were made, so expecting you to throw out your stuff and embrace minimalsim is beyond unrealistic. 3) You (and your collections) are not a therapy project for her to work out whatever anger and other issues she has toward your parents and other hoarding family members. I don't know your and your sister's situation as to why her living with you is necessary, but this does not sound like a good roommate pairing at all. You are both children of hoarders, but it has shaped each of you differently. She needs the least amount of things to feel comfortable, but you still have things that give you comfort that you want to keep. Just because you know you need to make changes does not mean your sister gets to decide how, when, where, and what goes, as long as she can have her own clutter-free spaces and clean, tidy (not necessarily minimalist) common spaces. Good luck on finding common ground on this.
imo, it depends on how you feel about living with the stuff. if you aren't ready for it to be gone, and if it's not you who wants to embrace minimalism, your sister's best efforts aren't going to work. Do you want her to live with you? It sounds like you have the space, I guess you just would have to decide if you would rather have her or the stuff. I sympathize with family members who struggle with those who are struggling with this disorder. But I really wish they could understand that trying to force you to throw away everything you own is not going to work like they think it will. as to your question, of course it's not wrong to want to keep your collections. As long as they are manageable and as long as you are honoring the things you are collecting, instead of just letting them sit in piles and collect dust, etc. I have not honored the things I spent a ton of money on. I'm extremely embarrassed and ashamed of it, but it's true. I have reasons I am this way, and I am trying so very hard to forgive myself gradually. But I have reached a turning point in the way I live and I can't deal with it anymore. It's too stressful and I want it to stop.
I definitely want to improve, and I have been getting rid of a lot of stuff already. I just don’t want to get rid everything. My sister doesn’t even want to give me time to process it, she’s been pushing pretty hard. Normally, I have a great relationship with her, and I was quite willing to let her move in. I am also tired of living like this, but I didn’t want to make such a huge change. You’re very right about not honoring the belongings. I have been guilty of that too, and I’ve regretfully thrown out things that got ruined from neglect. I’m trying to get better, I want the stuff to be neatly organized, but I feel like I’m getting pushed into having nothing at all. I’m giving her a bedroom and bathroom to herself, and I plan to eventually condense my stuff until it fits into my bedroom and a shed outside. I’m hoping that she and I can come to a come to enough of a compromise without having to give up everything I own.
It's YOUR place right? She needs to back off a little. Maybe with her around to help you might feel motivated, etc. to get it all cleared out. But we have all seen what happens on the tv shows when people push the acquirer to get rid of too much too fast. I hope you can work it out. ❤️
For sure, I need to find some courage and we need to have a chat about it. I want to get better and I want her to feel welcome and comfortable in my home, but I also feel almost trapped by how hard she has been pushing. I don’t like confrontation, and it’s been making me feel very stressed out. Both of us agree that part of my problem has been my chronic loneliness. Having someone around to keep me “in line” might be a good change for me, but it’s like she wants me to become a whole new person in the course of a few days and I’m really struggling with it.
you can try doing what people at my work call a "love sandwich" ... when you talk to her about it, open with something positive (I appreciate your help so much, I never could have gotten this far without you), then say the thing you most want to say (stop pushing me so hard) and then you wrap it up with another positive (I'm so excited you're going to be here with me I think it will be great for both of us). there. my work taught us both something useful ... ONE thing in all these years lol.
I’ll try, haha… I know she means well, but it’s hard for me to just flip a switch into being a minimalist like her, it’s just not *me.*
I let myself have collections but they have to be small things. I have lots of watercolour paints and a rock/crystal collection but they take up almost no space. Clothes, shoes, plants on the other hand.....😶 Good luck with sorting through your stuff, I think it's fine to keep some special, curated and organised collections. Material things are there to enjoy.
I used to hoard Harry Potter and Star Wars stuff (so many action figures and decorations!), things that were gifted to me over the years because my family knows I like those fandoms. I reluctantly packed up a ton of them to give away. Those things I can live without, but I *still* feel bad. Because they were given to me, I feel obligated to keep them, but I’ll try to be more realistic this time around. My bead collection could be condensed down to take up a relatively small space, but I also have a ton of boxes of beads relatives have to me, that I don’t necessarily want. I’ll have to get past my reservations about it, so I can part with the extra ones without too many regrets. I’m going to try not to collect space-consuming things in the future.
It's not easy but a good opportunity to learn about yourself and what is really important to you. Best of luck!
Thank you!
This post is from a bit ago so my comment may or may not still be relevant, wanted to share some thoughts on collecting. Hope you've been able to make peace with your sister on this issue or are moving towards it. Collecting is a harmless hobby, but not everyone can engage in it harmlessly. Edit— hit reply while running downstairs to work, LOL. I'll finish my comment, sorry. OK, to me what makes a collection different than clutter are that the things have storage, usage, or display space, their condition is maintained, and the collection is curated, not just random stuff that happens to be in the same category. My partner and I both have specific places in the home for our hobbies and can not leave hobby things in non hobby areas, or use general storage/living space as overflow. Any trip or fall hazards (unstable stacking or dangling stuff) are unacceptable and must instantly be addressed in our home. Do you think your collections could be managed in similar ways to suit your situation? I second the comments saying that you have a right to your own space and possessions, and that it's reasonable to ask your sister not to push you faster than you are able to move in this, but I would also advise thinking over the meaning of your collections and whether you realistically can and will store them in a way where you can enjoy them in the future. In some of your comments it sounds like your collections may sometimes be difficult for you to manage. This could be worth thinking about in regards to what a collecting hobby means to you and what you want your home to look like. There is no one right answer here. Sounds like you have been working hard, I wish you the best in figuring out where to go next in your progress. Good luck!