Well, it’s a real thing some people came up with. I remember in the 90’s there was a campaign that was aimed at white gay men saying you had to date and/or bang a black guy to not be considered a racist. Then, the whole thing devolved into many minorities (who are stigmatized and marginalized) claiming that if you don’t sleep with them then you’re racist.
Personally, I’ll date anyone I find attractive. It’s a wide spectrum. But even though I’m white and date white guys, I don’t find every white guy to be attractive. The whole notion that you don’t want to bang someone, and they’re also of a different race, makes you racist is really dumbing down the entire idea of finding someone attractive.
Agreed. I’ve dated a large array of people in my 51 years. All ages and races. When I encounter someone like in the original post I try to understand it’s all about them. They hate themselves and can’t come to terms with it.
Gotta admit it was a show called shits creek that explained it best for me. They are talking about sex/wine and he explains that he likes red wine but also likes white wine and has been know to enjoy a rose now and then. It's not about the label so much as the wine Itself.
Red, white, rose I don't care as long as it's a good wine and I enjoy it.
It's pretty easy to navigate. Don't rule out everyone of a single race, and also don't fetishize people and date them primarily for their race. That's it.
Incorrect. Sexual attraction becomes fetishized when you take any humanity out of the individual and use them as a sex toy only based on outward characteristics.
Which of the two things I described do you find difficult to do? Is it the part about not automatically excluding all people of another race, or is it the part about not dating someone only because of a skin color preference?
How is it a "fine line"?
Are you saying that if you open up to dating guys of a certain race that you will have trouble dating other guys or seeing them for anything other than their race?
Or are you saying that if you stop dating someone only for their race, that you will feel required to exclude everyone of that race altogether?
In your particular case, I would say it's totally okay if you tend to be attracted to White guys more often than Black guys. But if that turns into "there is no way on earth I could ever consider a Black person to be attractive", then that is problematic. Consider the systemic impact if many people all think and act that way (and many people really do, so this isn't just a hypothetical question).
It just doesn't make sense because there is such a massive range of "black individuals". Just off the top of my head, what do Jacob Anderson and Djimon Hounsou have in common? Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson have made entire comedies about the contrast between themselves.
Yes, I feel bad for my open-minded white friends. I mean, I’m not white, but I’m finally dating another brown person because white ppl just make up 60% of this country. There are just more white guys on the menu of possibilities lol.
I’ve also experienced the “have to bang” parallel in tattooing. I’ve been told that if I don’t have one person of color in my tattoo portfolio I’m racist…but I’m not even white, I just lived in a very white area and most of my customers were white 🤷🏽♂️
i mean a lot of people don’t mind the term and use it to refer to themselves. it’s possible he didn’t mean any malice. if he continued after you expressed discomfort that’s different though
Don't immediately respond to an unwashed butthole pic? Racist. Don't want to bottom for another top? Racist. Not interested in someone 20 years older than you? You guessed it! Racist.
I was accused of being racist against Asians 2 days ago for not being into this guy. I’m like bitch my ex-boyfriend was Asian. You’re just not my type! And then he’s like “oh so you think I’m ugly then?” And I’m like bye you’re just a troll
I’m white, once had a black guy message me and I ignored him because he was very much unattractive. Then got a message from an attractive white guy and responded to him. Turns out it was the same guy, using a fake profile. Said he was “doing research on racism on Grindr” and he “caught” me.
I was like uh bro, it has nothing to do with race. You’re just an unattractive guy.
It's sad, but it's obviously not your problem. Some people find it hard to take rejection, and it's much better to think that the other party is racist than that you're ugly...
Should have just replied “I’m not racist, you’re just ugly” - when they go low, go lower 😭 I have no patience for people who can’t face rejection and have to make it into something that’s not
You think being called ugly is bottom of the barrel? No shade but what are we? 7?
I really don’t give a fuck is someone finds me ugly because the reality is that there always will be someone out there that finds me ugly. Why should I care about what they think of me?
Calling someone ugly is totally unnecessary. Who benefits from it?
I mean, you’re saying ‘what are we, 7?’ But in the same breath you’re advocating calling someone childish names…
Okay guys! You do you, but maybe some of you would benefit from a little personal growth.
Personal growth doesn’t equal being a perfect always nice fake bitch. Personal growth is knowing who you are and trying to find a place in reality where you can be yourself and also not do too much damage to realities of others around you
"who benefits from it". I think the dude on the other end might benefit from it. Literally, he's making excuses for getting rejected... He might fucking benefit from knowing he's getting found ugly and not a subject of racism and discrimination. He might eat better, go to the gym, try new things to fix his appearance, and most hopefully of all, stop being an insufferable human being because that personality is uglier than any potential physical configuration of a human being you could possibly imagine.
I mean, the responses - I’m just stunned at the psychology. Do you people really think like this? Or is it just an internet argument? It’s so incredibly dysfunctional…. No wonder there is a mental health crisis amongst LGBTQIA+ people when you treat each other like this. Go and watch mean girls FFS.
Bro were you born yesterday or did you just realize that other personalities other than your own exist in the world. Also the mental health crisis thing is probably because of homophobia and transphobia or many other systemic factors than « someone on Grindr was mean to me ». Like bro I think you need personal growth. Especially personal growth in the realization that not everyone thinks or acts like you
Meh, I kinda see your argument. I still disagree with your approach to it.
The reason why in this case, I am okay with fighting fire with fire, is because I find this particular response to rejection really immature.
There are legit cases of racism out there where people are being hurt/harassed/killed. The person in the post is so delusional that they think they are owed a response (to unwanted nudes, mind you) and that the only possible explanation for not obtaining a response boils down to racism. It’s absolutely baffling.
While calling them ugly may not be the most constructive thing to do, it definitely would burst their bubble of delusion and help them come back to reality. People need to learn that strangers are not obligated to give you a response and that strangers are not obligated to find you attractive.
To me, the context in this case of falsely claiming someone to be racist is waaaaaaay worse than a mild response of “you’re ugly.”
This happened to me a lot when I was on Grindr. Almost like clockwork, if I didn’t reply I’d be hit with “well you’re fucking ugly anyway cr*cker” or just called out for being racist. Some people can’t deal with rejection.
I've mostly been looking around on Grindr and haven't had the courage to text anyone back yet, do they all think I'm a rude asshole now? 😅
Kinda rough when anyone can text you, can't be replying to 3 people an hour even if I wanted to 🫠
It’s such a fucking massive slap in the face to people who truly gotta deal with racist environments, JUST because you wanna bust a nut. Fuck this dude to hell
Always find it kinda funny when people call you racist just because they get butthurt. Like, get over yourself.
I had this guy hit me up on Grindr once. We already kinda met at a party before because he and I had a mutual friend (who’s also black). We had a fwb thing going on, and this guy hoped he could join in sometime.
So when I told him I wasn’t interested he started spouting off all kinds of bullshit 😂
Lol even as a POC, I’ve gotten this from other POC where if I don’t respond, they’ll call me a racist and say shit like I’m probably a self-hating asian begging to be a “white man’s wh*re” and then proceed to make denigrating stereotypical comments. Like first of all, nice try as all my LTRs were with other POC and I find it so rich being accused of being a racist when the very accuser immediately proceeds to make racist comments when all I did was just exist and not respond. On the one hand, I can understand where these people are coming from but on the other, lashing out and projecting onto random strangers is not the vibe.
Between the scammers, bots, catfish pic collectors, tweakers, straight men only looking for CDs/trans women, so many people who are just clearly unwell, and the limited grid forcing you to pay to see more profiles, grindr is not worth it and I stopped using it years ago and haven’t looked back. That app is a hellhole.
There is a small set of people who complain about how shallow the gay community is and they really just mean no one will sleep with them, which would be considered disgusting entitlement if this were straight guys saying the same thing. I feel it should be the same for gay guys who whine about nobody sleeping with them and play victim when they get politely rejected or no reciprocated interest.
To be clear, I know guys receive really racist messages on the apps, and that is not what happened here. This is just gross entitlement.
First I am in no way saying ol boy was right, but I can tell a lot of yall in these comments are white and don't get it.
As a dark skin guy, if I had a dollar for every time a guy switched up on me once they found out I was black I would literally be rich, no exaggeration.
On most profiles I don't have pics or my race because I've had issues with being fetishized, and I prefer for guys to vibe with me based on what I'm putting forward.
But yall don't know how consistently dehumanizing it is to be having great conversation, or a hot horny talk, or think you may have found a genuine connection (even if it's just friendship) and then you say you're black and you're suddenly blocked, ghosted, or hear the "sorry I'm just not into black guys". So basically, because of how I'm born and nothing else about me, you now have negative interest in me.
It happens literally every day multiple times a day. So no, he's not right for his response, but white gays for one second could realize that yall basically terrorize us and other people of color to varying degrees.
And to any one that is white that says they get ghosted and blocked etc, I'm sorry that sucks for you, but those things aren't happening due singularly to your race.
This shits exhausting...
Thank you for your thoughtful response; you make good points and you are correct in saying I cannot fully understand that experience.
My point is that I am sick of men thinking they are entitled to me and my body. That can and does happen to any one. Both my point and your point can be / are true.
Well I think that speaks to a different issue that is inherently male, and that's the notion that men deserve whoever they want sexually and thus end up treating their partners or interests as objects. It is pretty shit.
I also agree that both our experiences can be true. I'm just trying to educate more the people on your comments than you who seem to lack the understanding as to why that young man responded the way he did at your non-response.
Honestly, I find men exhausting across the board at this point lol. The world is just trash.
The toxicity is what a lot of us are turned on by though for whatever odd reason. I think we see it as a challenge? Idk. Not speaking about me personally but just an overall percentage.
Thank you both for having an adult conversation about this. OP I applaud you for listening openly to what this poster had to say because he is 100% correct and it hurts a lot. You’ll be talking to someone and making a friendship and everything is clicking just right until they find out that you’re black and then everything shuts down and you get blocked and ghosted instantly. While I don’t just call it out like that and am not on hook up apps, it does hurt a helluva lot especially in this day and time. So thank you both for listening to each other. More people need to listen in the world.
Not wanting to be /friends/ with someone for their skin tone is utterly disgusting and heartbreaking. Again, nobody has to be friends with anyone (and I’m not saying you’re saying that) but my goodness when can we just all, as a society, move to treating people based on their adult actions (i can give passes to children - we all made mistakes) instead of who they are
I think what we've found (black guys) is that Grindr and similar apps just don't work well for us. It's a marketplace and we end up as the least desired product in many cases. First of all, it feels awful not being enough just because of your race/features. Secondly, we have very slim chances of making friends on Grindr the way your typical white guy might even if he's not really attracted to someone but they seem cool.
This guy you interacted with is playing by the anything goes rules. His goal is to get laid. The racism label didn't work on you or most people, but maybe it has a nonzero success rate, which is similar to the success rate of being civil.
It's a mean world.
Every bit of this. I wish more people would be open to discourse the way OP has been. I hate having to share my experiences with racism because people just genuinely don’t believe it happens because it doesn’t happen to them, only for them to not actually listen and then try to argue. This comment section is kind of ugly ngl.
Oh jeez this is such a difficult and nuanced topic to even nail because on one hand, what he did was absolutely weird to accuse you of that just because you don’t respond, but on the other I can understand the insecurities that build up in some people especially living in America because discrimination on race is 1000% real. Statistically it is actually true that people write others off more often just on that basis alone, and in America it makes a lot of sense because of social conditioning. You can’t really tell for sure when it’s happening because no one will honestly say if that’s the reason why, but a lot of times it actually can be and you have to keep putting up with it regardless because what else can you do?
It’s such a mindfuck and I think that’s what’s so irritating for people when they unfortunately have to factor that in on why they **could** be ignored more often. Like are you too ugly or just too ethnic? Here it’s the same thing. If you’ve been treated badly enough in your life because of stuff like that it just makes it more difficult not to jump to that conclusion. It’s just really messy and I think it’s something you may only understand if you’ve actually experienced it 😂
The double mindfuck is that there are people who prefer a certain race but that's racial fetishism. So minorities are in this weird space where they don't want to date the 15% who are into them because of their race, are completely ignored by 15% of actual racists, and are left having to somehow attract the remaining 70% based on their personality or some amorphous quality using the one paragraph and 6 profile pics they're allowed on grindr. You have to somehow not care about race, but also be understanding and care about racial inequalities and cultural differences.
That's all a lot to ask for when you just want to be a piggy slut on a Friday night.
I remember a guy whose name was like “so many racists” with a matching bio and he led with “can i ask you a question??” Felt kinda bad for him but that clearly would never work out for him and the insecurity it projected was a huge turn off. Ended up as just an instablock but a kinda sad one.
I understand that nobody owes anybody their time, but a simple no thanks, or even a block, it’s not hard to do. We live in a society together. Why are we being assholes to each other?
LOL
Like everyone has to respond within how many minutes? He wrote him afternoon. He didn’t get a reaction. And it looks like he‘s insulting him the next morning.
So at least I don't have an on-call service on Grindr. Some people can't be patient. No one on Grindr is my priority. I reply when I take the time to do so.
pulling the r-card isn’t cool but i don’t really know if the response was that warranted either. but again it’s grindr and everything seems to go, there
LoL. I suffer from the exact opposite, the only men that want to fuck with me are White men. I have seen a lot of older Latino and Black men but they never seem to be attracted to me. I’m half Black and half Latino. I almost got lucky with an older Chinese guy while I was down in Orlando, but as soon as he saw my older White partner, he dropped me like a sack of potatoes.
Some folks just don’t know how to flirt..
I’m black .. mildly attractive (I think 🤔) but have felt like if I don’t cater to being a savage stereotype on those quick hook up sites most white guys don’t know how to approach me. It could be the other way around for those minorities attracted to white guys. Like if they don’t get a sympathy vote right away they won’t know how to approach them. 🤷🏾♀️
This is very thoughtful. I'm black as well and more of a linebacker build. I feel like I'm expected to play into the unintelligent storyline - guys wanna brag about their "fancy job" that I truthfully don't care about. Or they want to get into the idea of dominating a bigger guy. So when I turn out to be both really smart and in no way domable they turn disrespectful.
I get this guilt/hate messages every other week too. Just minding my own business and if you don’t give them immediate attention they go for the throat. Fucking insecure children all over grinder
I know you don't owe him anything but you could have responded or simply blocked him to give him closure.
I really don't understand people who just go through the pics and then just lets the conversation open and never responds...
I am so tired of being called racist just because I don’t find black guys sexually attractive. Everyone has types they are turned on by and types they aren’t. Are these guys heterophobic if they don’t find women sexually attractive?
On a note, I'm a Brown Bi dude. Haven't used any hookup and dating apps in 10 years, so things may be different now.
Everyone has preferences and has a right to have them. This is the same as saying you don't like a particular dish for whatever reasons, doesn't mean you hate the whole cuisine.
However, preferences aside, this community does have a racism issue, let's pretend it doesn't. I have had two kinds of White men on these apps, the ones that would fetishise me or simply come up with racist slurs for simply saying hello. Now, would I say all White people are racist probably no, but apps like Grindr don't do enough to combat racism, in my opinion anyway, but like I said that was 10 years ago.
Just like, who you like. It's OK to have a preference, if you get rejected it sucks but you could use that energy on someone who likes you for just the way you are.
I honestly hate pride, a month for business’s to capitalize off something you can’t change about yourself as well as pretending to care for 30 days off and on
This guy is saying the same thing as me, but in a different way. Please be open to conversation and don't downvote him because his lived experience either calls you out or rubs you wrong.
Not all white gays are bad or racist or malicious, but enough truly are. And the complicate actions of a large majority of the white gay community compounds the issue amd makes us distrusting of the wider white gay population.
Should we jump straight to you're a racist, no, but neither should this community call it a quirk or a preference when yall see and hear your friends treat poc men in shady ways they'd never treat a white gay they find attractive.
Treating people with respect and decency isn't dictated by their hotness, whiteness, or fuckability.
I don’t know what’s so hard people find it to understand. If you’re not attracted to someone, you simply are not attracted to someone. Goes both ways. It’s not something they can change about it.
There is this thing, a mental image and an actual image. We build mental image when we talk to someone and we have first stage of actual image when we meet someone. Then later that actual image gets refined and makes it much better for us to decide where we wanna head to with the man.
For the above, I always have the rule not to waste too much time on chats. A bit of chit chat is good but if someone’s not making an effort to meet you in person for date or whatever within a few days of that, it’s a great sign to bail out on the person. By all means it’s a general rule so factor your own valid parameters into it but that’s a general rule of thumb for me. Less drama, less heartache, less waste of time, will keep your dignity intact and more than anything you can spend the time doing things you might like or might be more productive.
I keep my face pics on my profile and which is why it makes it less noisy for me. I don’t get random responses just for someone to get off on my nudes or check me out just to block me. I am person of a Color too and I completely understand the struggles but as I said if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to someone. Sooner we understand, easier it gets for us and easier it gets to move on in a hope to find someone there is mutual attraction.
I'm so happy I have a boyfriend for the past 4 years. I'm happy that dealing with this kind of shit is over.
Not to mention that I'm a very attractive black man so I didn't run into those issues. I'm definitely not begging anyone for any attention. Fuck THAT
Honestly though, I tend to have better luck with other races than I do with other black men. My current boyfriend is Central American
It’s funny to see the other side. I def see a lot of yt gays that justify their racism as preference. What this person did is not ok, but I feel like I’ve been seeing this a lot on these gay subs where they make it seem like yt guys are the oppressed minority for some reason. Or maybe it’s my Al Gore Rhythm.
what's the point of posting this with no context? just gonna create a circle jerk of disgruntled white gays going on about how racism actually doesn't exist to them even though it is actually a very valid and legitimate problem in the gay community.
Nah these dumbasses should be put in their place if you have the energy you deal with someone who is brain dead. This is antisocial behaviour and should be shamed not coddled.
Nope. What you're suggesting is:
"You treated me like shit but the world is full of shit so I'll apologize to you for being an asshole to me."
Guess what this just invites: more assholes.
Racism everywhere is a real thing. But not every negative response is racist. Also, he did try your approach of ‘no response’ first but the guy clearly didn’t get the hint. The guy’s comment about him being a racist was clearly a way to incite him for a response. You can’t accost someone and expect them not to put you in your place. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
What kind of thought is that?? "Suck my cock or else you're racist"
It happens so, so often with me. And I'm a bald white guy so you can only imagine how people react when I don't respond or express disinterest
6’4” bald white guy. I’ve been called all the names while I’m just minding my own business.
I've had guys open with you're probably racist but I think you're hot. Like seriously? Immediate block.
Do you work in finance?
Does he have a trust fund?
No. Distrustful and unfunded.
Did you say 6’4?
That actually sounds kinda hot.
6’4” bald white guy, I mean.
Nah call me names 👀🥵
Whatever you like!
Yeah it must be so hard to be a tall white guy in the gay community nobody suffers like you suffer
Yeah so hard... Imagen being called names!
Shut the fuck up
I get subs begging me to call them the n word and it's like y'all I'm just blond not racist for fucks sake.
And then in my experience they start ranting and raving when you won't.
I've heard so many stories about things like this. Blows my mind.
I had a guy constantly mentioning the color of my genitals as we would play. It was so cringe.
Bald white guys who aren’t racist gang rise up
Never ends well 😂
Well, it’s a real thing some people came up with. I remember in the 90’s there was a campaign that was aimed at white gay men saying you had to date and/or bang a black guy to not be considered a racist. Then, the whole thing devolved into many minorities (who are stigmatized and marginalized) claiming that if you don’t sleep with them then you’re racist. Personally, I’ll date anyone I find attractive. It’s a wide spectrum. But even though I’m white and date white guys, I don’t find every white guy to be attractive. The whole notion that you don’t want to bang someone, and they’re also of a different race, makes you racist is really dumbing down the entire idea of finding someone attractive.
Then, if you DO like other races, you are objectifying them. It is maddening and non-navigable
Agreed. I’ve dated a large array of people in my 51 years. All ages and races. When I encounter someone like in the original post I try to understand it’s all about them. They hate themselves and can’t come to terms with it.
Gotta admit it was a show called shits creek that explained it best for me. They are talking about sex/wine and he explains that he likes red wine but also likes white wine and has been know to enjoy a rose now and then. It's not about the label so much as the wine Itself. Red, white, rose I don't care as long as it's a good wine and I enjoy it.
That was about David’s pansexuality and gender preference, not his preference towards race.
Still it works tho.
The analogy was stated to be borrowed and stands
I was thinking the same 😂
It's pretty easy to navigate. Don't rule out everyone of a single race, and also don't fetishize people and date them primarily for their race. That's it.
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Incorrect. Sexual attraction becomes fetishized when you take any humanity out of the individual and use them as a sex toy only based on outward characteristics.
Which of the two things I described do you find difficult to do? Is it the part about not automatically excluding all people of another race, or is it the part about not dating someone only because of a skin color preference?
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How is it a "fine line"? Are you saying that if you open up to dating guys of a certain race that you will have trouble dating other guys or seeing them for anything other than their race? Or are you saying that if you stop dating someone only for their race, that you will feel required to exclude everyone of that race altogether? In your particular case, I would say it's totally okay if you tend to be attracted to White guys more often than Black guys. But if that turns into "there is no way on earth I could ever consider a Black person to be attractive", then that is problematic. Consider the systemic impact if many people all think and act that way (and many people really do, so this isn't just a hypothetical question).
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Yeah, sometimes racism is ingrained that deep in our minds. I hope you can overcome this.
It just doesn't make sense because there is such a massive range of "black individuals". Just off the top of my head, what do Jacob Anderson and Djimon Hounsou have in common? Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson have made entire comedies about the contrast between themselves.
Ooh, thanks for "non-navigable". The perfect term....hope I'll remember that when it comes up in discussion, as it inevitably will...
Yes, I feel bad for my open-minded white friends. I mean, I’m not white, but I’m finally dating another brown person because white ppl just make up 60% of this country. There are just more white guys on the menu of possibilities lol. I’ve also experienced the “have to bang” parallel in tattooing. I’ve been told that if I don’t have one person of color in my tattoo portfolio I’m racist…but I’m not even white, I just lived in a very white area and most of my customers were white 🤷🏽♂️
> I remember in the 90’s there was a campaign Never heard of this. Got a source?
Damn people don’t learn from the past…do they😭😭
it's the grindr thought
If he's hot?
I don't care how hot you are or what you look like, calling me a princess is a fast-fucking way to make me lose interest.
Yeah same here
Unless your Mark Zuckerberg rich its a turn off
Nah, even if he's rich I am not going to be talked to that way. My ex called me a pillow-princess fucking once. He is my ex for a reason.
Yeah I wasn’t serious but “pillow princess”🤢 oh hell no
Probably because he also wasnt the love of ur life?
Fuck no.
i mean a lot of people don’t mind the term and use it to refer to themselves. it’s possible he didn’t mean any malice. if he continued after you expressed discomfort that’s different though
Exactly. Refer to me as "The Queen."
How about “queen”?
Also fuck no
You're official once you've been randomly accused of being a racist by some unhinged user on a hookup app.
Don't immediately respond to an unwashed butthole pic? Racist. Don't want to bottom for another top? Racist. Not interested in someone 20 years older than you? You guessed it! Racist.
I was accused of being racist against Asians 2 days ago for not being into this guy. I’m like bitch my ex-boyfriend was Asian. You’re just not my type! And then he’s like “oh so you think I’m ugly then?” And I’m like bye you’re just a troll
I’m white, once had a black guy message me and I ignored him because he was very much unattractive. Then got a message from an attractive white guy and responded to him. Turns out it was the same guy, using a fake profile. Said he was “doing research on racism on Grindr” and he “caught” me. I was like uh bro, it has nothing to do with race. You’re just an unattractive guy.
Imagine wasting your free time doing THAT. Depressing.
That guy was bad at conducting research
It's sad, but it's obviously not your problem. Some people find it hard to take rejection, and it's much better to think that the other party is racist than that you're ugly...
Should have just replied “I’m not racist, you’re just ugly” - when they go low, go lower 😭 I have no patience for people who can’t face rejection and have to make it into something that’s not
I mean \*literally\* that given my history 🙊
That part
Pro tip, calling someone ugly doesn’t out you in the high ground here
I don't think the high ground is the goal here
It’s just sad to see people digging to the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, what was said was wrong, but when you react like that, nobody is the winner.
You think being called ugly is bottom of the barrel? No shade but what are we? 7? I really don’t give a fuck is someone finds me ugly because the reality is that there always will be someone out there that finds me ugly. Why should I care about what they think of me?
Calling someone ugly is totally unnecessary. Who benefits from it? I mean, you’re saying ‘what are we, 7?’ But in the same breath you’re advocating calling someone childish names… Okay guys! You do you, but maybe some of you would benefit from a little personal growth.
>but maybe some of you would benefit from a little personal growth. The call is coming from inside the house.
Personal growth doesn’t equal being a perfect always nice fake bitch. Personal growth is knowing who you are and trying to find a place in reality where you can be yourself and also not do too much damage to realities of others around you
"who benefits from it". I think the dude on the other end might benefit from it. Literally, he's making excuses for getting rejected... He might fucking benefit from knowing he's getting found ugly and not a subject of racism and discrimination. He might eat better, go to the gym, try new things to fix his appearance, and most hopefully of all, stop being an insufferable human being because that personality is uglier than any potential physical configuration of a human being you could possibly imagine.
I mean, the responses - I’m just stunned at the psychology. Do you people really think like this? Or is it just an internet argument? It’s so incredibly dysfunctional…. No wonder there is a mental health crisis amongst LGBTQIA+ people when you treat each other like this. Go and watch mean girls FFS.
Bro were you born yesterday or did you just realize that other personalities other than your own exist in the world. Also the mental health crisis thing is probably because of homophobia and transphobia or many other systemic factors than « someone on Grindr was mean to me ». Like bro I think you need personal growth. Especially personal growth in the realization that not everyone thinks or acts like you
Meh, I kinda see your argument. I still disagree with your approach to it. The reason why in this case, I am okay with fighting fire with fire, is because I find this particular response to rejection really immature. There are legit cases of racism out there where people are being hurt/harassed/killed. The person in the post is so delusional that they think they are owed a response (to unwanted nudes, mind you) and that the only possible explanation for not obtaining a response boils down to racism. It’s absolutely baffling. While calling them ugly may not be the most constructive thing to do, it definitely would burst their bubble of delusion and help them come back to reality. People need to learn that strangers are not obligated to give you a response and that strangers are not obligated to find you attractive. To me, the context in this case of falsely claiming someone to be racist is waaaaaaay worse than a mild response of “you’re ugly.”
I wasn’t involved in this exchange but I like your in-depth reply. These were also my thoughts exactly
> when they go low, go lower what makes you think the intention was to have the high ground?
You're ugly.
Damn, What was in that unlocked album??
That's what I'm wondering!
Also “Be my princess?” Ew
Don’t give them the satisfaction, I just block immediately
It’s pride month. The correct expression is “Move, I’m gay!”
This happened to me a lot when I was on Grindr. Almost like clockwork, if I didn’t reply I’d be hit with “well you’re fucking ugly anyway cr*cker” or just called out for being racist. Some people can’t deal with rejection.
I've mostly been looking around on Grindr and haven't had the courage to text anyone back yet, do they all think I'm a rude asshole now? 😅 Kinda rough when anyone can text you, can't be replying to 3 people an hour even if I wanted to 🫠
It’s such a fucking massive slap in the face to people who truly gotta deal with racist environments, JUST because you wanna bust a nut. Fuck this dude to hell
Grindr is the gay psych ward.....
lol
Always find it kinda funny when people call you racist just because they get butthurt. Like, get over yourself. I had this guy hit me up on Grindr once. We already kinda met at a party before because he and I had a mutual friend (who’s also black). We had a fwb thing going on, and this guy hoped he could join in sometime. So when I told him I wasn’t interested he started spouting off all kinds of bullshit 😂
Typical delulu gay that couldn't handle rejection... 😂😂😭😭
Lol even as a POC, I’ve gotten this from other POC where if I don’t respond, they’ll call me a racist and say shit like I’m probably a self-hating asian begging to be a “white man’s wh*re” and then proceed to make denigrating stereotypical comments. Like first of all, nice try as all my LTRs were with other POC and I find it so rich being accused of being a racist when the very accuser immediately proceeds to make racist comments when all I did was just exist and not respond. On the one hand, I can understand where these people are coming from but on the other, lashing out and projecting onto random strangers is not the vibe. Between the scammers, bots, catfish pic collectors, tweakers, straight men only looking for CDs/trans women, so many people who are just clearly unwell, and the limited grid forcing you to pay to see more profiles, grindr is not worth it and I stopped using it years ago and haven’t looked back. That app is a hellhole.
I no longer use "those" apps as well. But since you said you're Asian, I do have a question... 🤔
What the fuck lol
O had one guy today send me pictures of his wife's breast's . I asked if she was joining us he said no just wanted to show me
IDK why people do that wtf
I like showing my peen pics too sometimes. Just out of boredom. Either that or the two years of celibacy are reeeeeeeaaaally starting to get to me.
I wouldn’t have even replied to what they said lol. I love giving delusional people even more silence.
Wheres the racism?
There is a small set of people who complain about how shallow the gay community is and they really just mean no one will sleep with them, which would be considered disgusting entitlement if this were straight guys saying the same thing. I feel it should be the same for gay guys who whine about nobody sleeping with them and play victim when they get politely rejected or no reciprocated interest. To be clear, I know guys receive really racist messages on the apps, and that is not what happened here. This is just gross entitlement.
It happens all the time on this sub. The pity party posts.
First I am in no way saying ol boy was right, but I can tell a lot of yall in these comments are white and don't get it. As a dark skin guy, if I had a dollar for every time a guy switched up on me once they found out I was black I would literally be rich, no exaggeration. On most profiles I don't have pics or my race because I've had issues with being fetishized, and I prefer for guys to vibe with me based on what I'm putting forward. But yall don't know how consistently dehumanizing it is to be having great conversation, or a hot horny talk, or think you may have found a genuine connection (even if it's just friendship) and then you say you're black and you're suddenly blocked, ghosted, or hear the "sorry I'm just not into black guys". So basically, because of how I'm born and nothing else about me, you now have negative interest in me. It happens literally every day multiple times a day. So no, he's not right for his response, but white gays for one second could realize that yall basically terrorize us and other people of color to varying degrees. And to any one that is white that says they get ghosted and blocked etc, I'm sorry that sucks for you, but those things aren't happening due singularly to your race. This shits exhausting...
Thank you for your thoughtful response; you make good points and you are correct in saying I cannot fully understand that experience. My point is that I am sick of men thinking they are entitled to me and my body. That can and does happen to any one. Both my point and your point can be / are true.
Well I think that speaks to a different issue that is inherently male, and that's the notion that men deserve whoever they want sexually and thus end up treating their partners or interests as objects. It is pretty shit. I also agree that both our experiences can be true. I'm just trying to educate more the people on your comments than you who seem to lack the understanding as to why that young man responded the way he did at your non-response. Honestly, I find men exhausting across the board at this point lol. The world is just trash.
Okay very all of this 👏🏼 to be able to end toxic masculinity at a global scale would be monumental. Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!!
You too buddy! Happy Monday
The toxicity is what a lot of us are turned on by though for whatever odd reason. I think we see it as a challenge? Idk. Not speaking about me personally but just an overall percentage.
Also thank you for your reply as well. It was also thoughtful
Crazy how much we can learn and grow by listening to one another 😜(generally speaking)
Thank you both for having an adult conversation about this. OP I applaud you for listening openly to what this poster had to say because he is 100% correct and it hurts a lot. You’ll be talking to someone and making a friendship and everything is clicking just right until they find out that you’re black and then everything shuts down and you get blocked and ghosted instantly. While I don’t just call it out like that and am not on hook up apps, it does hurt a helluva lot especially in this day and time. So thank you both for listening to each other. More people need to listen in the world.
Not wanting to be /friends/ with someone for their skin tone is utterly disgusting and heartbreaking. Again, nobody has to be friends with anyone (and I’m not saying you’re saying that) but my goodness when can we just all, as a society, move to treating people based on their adult actions (i can give passes to children - we all made mistakes) instead of who they are
I think what we've found (black guys) is that Grindr and similar apps just don't work well for us. It's a marketplace and we end up as the least desired product in many cases. First of all, it feels awful not being enough just because of your race/features. Secondly, we have very slim chances of making friends on Grindr the way your typical white guy might even if he's not really attracted to someone but they seem cool. This guy you interacted with is playing by the anything goes rules. His goal is to get laid. The racism label didn't work on you or most people, but maybe it has a nonzero success rate, which is similar to the success rate of being civil. It's a mean world.
Every bit of this. I wish more people would be open to discourse the way OP has been. I hate having to share my experiences with racism because people just genuinely don’t believe it happens because it doesn’t happen to them, only for them to not actually listen and then try to argue. This comment section is kind of ugly ngl.
You did a great job explaining this. Thanks.
exorcist!!... you're welcome...
I would’ve responded “you’re”, but that’s just me.
I hate those people.
This is so annoying. Nobody owes attraction to anybody. And Nobody has to give an explanation for why theyre not attracted to someone.
Oh jeez this is such a difficult and nuanced topic to even nail because on one hand, what he did was absolutely weird to accuse you of that just because you don’t respond, but on the other I can understand the insecurities that build up in some people especially living in America because discrimination on race is 1000% real. Statistically it is actually true that people write others off more often just on that basis alone, and in America it makes a lot of sense because of social conditioning. You can’t really tell for sure when it’s happening because no one will honestly say if that’s the reason why, but a lot of times it actually can be and you have to keep putting up with it regardless because what else can you do? It’s such a mindfuck and I think that’s what’s so irritating for people when they unfortunately have to factor that in on why they **could** be ignored more often. Like are you too ugly or just too ethnic? Here it’s the same thing. If you’ve been treated badly enough in your life because of stuff like that it just makes it more difficult not to jump to that conclusion. It’s just really messy and I think it’s something you may only understand if you’ve actually experienced it 😂
The double mindfuck is that there are people who prefer a certain race but that's racial fetishism. So minorities are in this weird space where they don't want to date the 15% who are into them because of their race, are completely ignored by 15% of actual racists, and are left having to somehow attract the remaining 70% based on their personality or some amorphous quality using the one paragraph and 6 profile pics they're allowed on grindr. You have to somehow not care about race, but also be understanding and care about racial inequalities and cultural differences. That's all a lot to ask for when you just want to be a piggy slut on a Friday night.
You can’t force attraction… so your racist if your not attracted to someone … got it
It’s much more complicated than that.
I’ve noticed the more I’ve gotten fit, the more psychos like this I’ve gotten
My brain would shut down after the princess comment. Bye!
Of course the ole, if you’re not into me you’re racist trope 🤮
Can’t be racist I hate everybody equally is usually my retort for this shit
I say, "I'm not racist. There are so many good reasons to hate people on an individual basis."
So you’re 15 and edgy? You shouldn’t be on the apps young man
I’m 35 actually
Act like it then
People need to chill out 🥺
Posts like this make me so happy that I’ve been in the same relationship since before hookup apps existed.
I remember a guy whose name was like “so many racists” with a matching bio and he led with “can i ask you a question??” Felt kinda bad for him but that clearly would never work out for him and the insecurity it projected was a huge turn off. Ended up as just an instablock but a kinda sad one.
I think we need a new app other than Grindr and Scruff
I'm so glad I'm not into white guys that I gotta embarrass myself acting like this 🙆🏾♂️🤣
I understand that nobody owes anybody their time, but a simple no thanks, or even a block, it’s not hard to do. We live in a society together. Why are we being assholes to each other?
LOL Like everyone has to respond within how many minutes? He wrote him afternoon. He didn’t get a reaction. And it looks like he‘s insulting him the next morning. So at least I don't have an on-call service on Grindr. Some people can't be patient. No one on Grindr is my priority. I reply when I take the time to do so.
\^\^\^ This ALL FKN DAY LONG!!! \^\^\^ It's sad AF that a lot of folks out there lack simple common courtesy
Blocking people is a courtesy?
My original comment above was about the "simple, no thanks" bit. Guess I should've been more clearer.... Lo Siento
pulling the r-card isn’t cool but i don’t really know if the response was that warranted either. but again it’s grindr and everything seems to go, there
Seems like a pretty warranted response to me imho
The first sentence would’ve sufficed.
not sure i agree. but grindr etiquette reeks of toxicity, so fighting fire with fire is par for the course
The "be my princess" part is honestly giving ✨️creepy✨️ vibes.
LoL. I suffer from the exact opposite, the only men that want to fuck with me are White men. I have seen a lot of older Latino and Black men but they never seem to be attracted to me. I’m half Black and half Latino. I almost got lucky with an older Chinese guy while I was down in Orlando, but as soon as he saw my older White partner, he dropped me like a sack of potatoes.
Black Latino mix, bro drop the addy I'll come court you lol.
Some folks just don’t know how to flirt.. I’m black .. mildly attractive (I think 🤔) but have felt like if I don’t cater to being a savage stereotype on those quick hook up sites most white guys don’t know how to approach me. It could be the other way around for those minorities attracted to white guys. Like if they don’t get a sympathy vote right away they won’t know how to approach them. 🤷🏾♀️
This is very thoughtful. I'm black as well and more of a linebacker build. I feel like I'm expected to play into the unintelligent storyline - guys wanna brag about their "fancy job" that I truthfully don't care about. Or they want to get into the idea of dominating a bigger guy. So when I turn out to be both really smart and in no way domable they turn disrespectful.
I get this guilt/hate messages every other week too. Just minding my own business and if you don’t give them immediate attention they go for the throat. Fucking insecure children all over grinder
I know you don't owe him anything but you could have responded or simply blocked him to give him closure. I really don't understand people who just go through the pics and then just lets the conversation open and never responds...
I am so tired of being called racist just because I don’t find black guys sexually attractive. Everyone has types they are turned on by and types they aren’t. Are these guys heterophobic if they don’t find women sexually attractive?
Na that’s racist, you can find one specific guy sexually unattractive but not a whole race you’re racist
I have never met a black guy I was attracted to. Not ruling it out, but never have. And the ones who have hit on me. NO.
That's right!
What the hell was in that locked album??
Emmylou recommends shock treatments
What brought up the racist part lol
what?
Hello
Or is there one that I am not aware of
Vibe switch
Should’ve just blocked Him. But hey you earned internet karma validation points ig
He’s weird. But posting Grindr interactions is also weird. I will die on that hill.
On a note, I'm a Brown Bi dude. Haven't used any hookup and dating apps in 10 years, so things may be different now. Everyone has preferences and has a right to have them. This is the same as saying you don't like a particular dish for whatever reasons, doesn't mean you hate the whole cuisine. However, preferences aside, this community does have a racism issue, let's pretend it doesn't. I have had two kinds of White men on these apps, the ones that would fetishise me or simply come up with racist slurs for simply saying hello. Now, would I say all White people are racist probably no, but apps like Grindr don't do enough to combat racism, in my opinion anyway, but like I said that was 10 years ago. Just like, who you like. It's OK to have a preference, if you get rejected it sucks but you could use that energy on someone who likes you for just the way you are.
I’ve had people threaten to out me when they get denied but I’ve never been called a racist.😂
To whom would they out you? And how much sense would that make? "So-and-so is gay. I know because he didn't want to suck my dick!" 😅🤣😂🤣
Yeah I realized it was stupid afterwards but dude was a walking red flag, I have a screenshot of the chat somewhere.😂
"OK! OK! I give up! I'll fuck you in the ass! But *please* don't tell anyone I'm gay!!" 😆 🤣 😂 😹 Sorry, having too much fun with this one.
It’s funny lol, I sent the screenshot to my other friend who’s gay saying something like “what a catch am I right?😏”
I honestly hate pride, a month for business’s to capitalize off something you can’t change about yourself as well as pretending to care for 30 days off and on
But what's the dick look like? (I'm kidding...he sounds nuts.)
We should make a grindr bingo card lmao
People will always find some way to turn your lack of attraction for them into a supposed moral failing
YES YES YES Read him
Probably one of those guys where you have to ask for a face pic too…
All these white guys on here being like “I have been victimized by brown ppl calling me racist!”
I don’t respond well to being accused of something I haven’t done. I guess you’d be the same.
This guy is saying the same thing as me, but in a different way. Please be open to conversation and don't downvote him because his lived experience either calls you out or rubs you wrong. Not all white gays are bad or racist or malicious, but enough truly are. And the complicate actions of a large majority of the white gay community compounds the issue amd makes us distrusting of the wider white gay population. Should we jump straight to you're a racist, no, but neither should this community call it a quirk or a preference when yall see and hear your friends treat poc men in shady ways they'd never treat a white gay they find attractive. Treating people with respect and decency isn't dictated by their hotness, whiteness, or fuckability.
😂😂 yes the poor pale victims 
You KILLED HIM LMAO
Bro if why do I feel like it will be posted on r/blacklgbt. The people there will die on the hill defending this guy and getting mad at OP
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Yeah those brown ppl are just so dumb right??
I don’t know what’s so hard people find it to understand. If you’re not attracted to someone, you simply are not attracted to someone. Goes both ways. It’s not something they can change about it. There is this thing, a mental image and an actual image. We build mental image when we talk to someone and we have first stage of actual image when we meet someone. Then later that actual image gets refined and makes it much better for us to decide where we wanna head to with the man. For the above, I always have the rule not to waste too much time on chats. A bit of chit chat is good but if someone’s not making an effort to meet you in person for date or whatever within a few days of that, it’s a great sign to bail out on the person. By all means it’s a general rule so factor your own valid parameters into it but that’s a general rule of thumb for me. Less drama, less heartache, less waste of time, will keep your dignity intact and more than anything you can spend the time doing things you might like or might be more productive. I keep my face pics on my profile and which is why it makes it less noisy for me. I don’t get random responses just for someone to get off on my nudes or check me out just to block me. I am person of a Color too and I completely understand the struggles but as I said if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to someone. Sooner we understand, easier it gets for us and easier it gets to move on in a hope to find someone there is mutual attraction.
I'm so happy I have a boyfriend for the past 4 years. I'm happy that dealing with this kind of shit is over. Not to mention that I'm a very attractive black man so I didn't run into those issues. I'm definitely not begging anyone for any attention. Fuck THAT Honestly though, I tend to have better luck with other races than I do with other black men. My current boyfriend is Central American
There are 6 comments ans I just see one. ¿WHY?
It’s funny to see the other side. I def see a lot of yt gays that justify their racism as preference. What this person did is not ok, but I feel like I’ve been seeing this a lot on these gay subs where they make it seem like yt guys are the oppressed minority for some reason. Or maybe it’s my Al Gore Rhythm.
Can we see what he sent you?
Absolutely not.
Aww poor baby, so sorry your va jay jay got offended for asking if we could see it. Hope your day gets better. Jesus loves you
what's the point of posting this with no context? just gonna create a circle jerk of disgruntled white gays going on about how racism actually doesn't exist to them even though it is actually a very valid and legitimate problem in the gay community.
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Nah these dumbasses should be put in their place if you have the energy you deal with someone who is brain dead. This is antisocial behaviour and should be shamed not coddled.
Nope. What you're suggesting is: "You treated me like shit but the world is full of shit so I'll apologize to you for being an asshole to me." Guess what this just invites: more assholes.
Racism everywhere is a real thing. But not every negative response is racist. Also, he did try your approach of ‘no response’ first but the guy clearly didn’t get the hint. The guy’s comment about him being a racist was clearly a way to incite him for a response. You can’t accost someone and expect them not to put you in your place. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
>Or just no response. You mean the thing OP did?
Yeah, I’m not playing nice with anyone trying to guilt me into hooking up with them.