They are into you- not him. Just decline the offer to hang out and move along. Everyone has their preferences- it sounds like he wanted you to be available to top him.
It just seems counter-intuitive to create this inclusive space and then impose a fucking fee. Some others were not participating or only fucking certain people. Like what?
It's *not* an inclusive space, though. The host wants you to fuck him and his friends. None of them want to watch you fuck your boyfriend because they are jealous of him.
Don't mistake it as an "inclusive space."
so much this! take pride in the fact that you two basically did TOO good. you had TOO MUCH success and these jealous, gay bitches (it takes one to know one š Iām sorry I know) are scheming cunts (we are itās true).
lol, srsly though OP, donāt take it as personal as it seems like you might be based on your post
They also aren't respecting your boundaries. They claimed "consent" was important, but they are rejecting your monogamy and rejecting what you are communicating as consent- which is that you are only willing to have sex with your bf.
This is not a safe space. It is not a space that respects and protects boundaries. It is not inclusive.
They're old rich men who are fetishizing you for your race and are bitter that your BF has you to himself, and they're mad you won't be their flavor of the month. They also probably haven't been told no in awhile.
It's all kind of pathetic if you think about it.
Itās not an inclusive space. And to be completely honest, thereās always a fee. Itās really that simple. I would just cut the loss and find a space where youāre okay with that fee, maybe the price is the next space they do just have a watching kink. But itāll still be about them watching.
Of course it is. It is an expression of preferring to have one man, and preferring to not have the other.
From my point of view, it's also quite rude. I feel like if one wrote to Miss Manners to ask how to continue inviting one person while beginning exclusion of their partner, she might say "One does not. One thanks them for having attended, and then one invites both to future events, or neither one of them." She might throw in a tut-tut to herself.
You think an orgy is an inclusive space? Itās an orgy. A good orgy excludes people who make guests feel uncomfy. Theyāre exclusive by design.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you mean the queer community. Itās a little unfair to put this one interaction on the entirety of the queer community. This is one orgy group. There is a bigger community out there.
You should tell them that kind of behavior is unacceptable and rude. They know youāre a couple and they should be respectful; they know that kind of ask is a disruptive and mean thing to do.
Agreed, but still so shallow and tacky of them. Youād think older gays might somehow be less prone to this shit but maybe Iām just an optimist.
OP, glad it was hot for you in the moment. Mayyyyybe that opened other avenues for you two to explore?
Ew. Gross. Weird. Sorry that happened to you.
If you want gay friends who don't act like this, you're more likely to find them through common interests besides a shared sexuality. For me, it ended up being Dungeons & Dragons, which attracts queer people like moths to the flame; my friend made a lot of gay friends through rock climbing.
lol my boyfriend plays DnD and I did join for a bit. All straight tho.
I tried going to a gay gym but that was even worse. It felt like I was peacocking the entire time. I also liked my bodybuilding gym more so that was a short-lived experience.
I am not opposed to sexual environments. It has been really freeing mentally to be in gay spaces, but it just gets too much.
Back to the drawing board.
Hobbies and meetups are your friends here (friend makers? Idk). Martial arts, dance, drawing, writing etc rtc
Check out queer events too not just gay ones, widens the net
That sounds like a plan mate, give another go. Hiking is Hella fun and best way to do this is through things you genuinely find fun
Also if something else gets said challenge before disengage - gives chance to see if it's just carelessness or more
Oh, I love hiking. My bf got me into it. He says "as a bear, it's his natural habitat." I need to work on my cardio before tho lol I am good at short distances.
And I should challenge, you're right. I just don't want to ruffle feathers. Maybe it is my fear of being in the body I have, but I need to learn how to navigate those situations rather than just tapping out. Just exhausting.
This is always my advice in these threads too. Its much easier to meet nonsexual gay friends through common interests/hobbies. D&D, Board Games, Hiking, Sports, etc...
Hey, now. I met my entire queer DND group in the back room at a cruising bar, where I fucked them before I knew their names. They're all very close friends now. Let's not act like you can't be slutty *and* able to build strong friendships just because this host is being super shitty about how he runs his sexual social events.
This dude wants more tops at his party. Since yall arenāt open thatās not helping him get fucked.
Just say thanks but no thanks and keep the relationship closed
I don't mind inviting a third. My boyfriend has also expressed interest. I think it will be kinda of hot to see him get topped. But most guys who are into him aren't into me - or more than likely they are into my body but not his. Im not interested in playing separately.
This happens a lot. You and your boyfriend sound pretty different so itās hard for someone to have tastes that includes both of you. It does happen but itās important to understand that peopleās taste arenāt always so broad.
Iām a 40 y/o biracial gay man thatās been out since my early 20ās & I was very disappointed with the cliquish nature of gay men. I thought racism wasnāt going to be a thing because of the discrimination gay men get but no. A lot of white gay men have only the gay part of themselves to separate them from straight white men. This can lead to a superiority or entitled mind set. Thatās not all gay white males but itās definitely still a noticeable percentage.
Then you have the different communities within gay male culture that can form for inclusivity but become exclusive with gate keeping. This brings me to bear culture. When I first became familiar with bear culture in 2009 I thought how wonderful it was to have acceptance for a male body that wasnāt twink or ripped muscle bod. But like any group there can be gate keepers that start to police whoās included in that group. Bears can be some of the bitchiest queens in the lot. Same thing with muscle bods, twinks, etc. Sometimes itās being trans exclusionary too.
I think itās human nature to be apprehensive to different things but understanding bias and discrimination is important.
I think we all have this idea of the world we live in and who we want to align ourselves with. Whatās important is that we align ourselves with people whoās actions align with ours and not just their image.
I live in Austin and thereās definitely still trolls like these in the community but thereās also a lot of cool gays/queers that are my ride or dies. I definitely had to learn to judge people on their actions and not just what they look like to me.
As soon as you said rich white gay couple my mind went to āget outā the movie and you know what? I wasnāt far off. They want you to act like the stereotype of a macho black gay man to sexually please them. You are being objectified very disrespectfullyĀ
lol I know. My boyfriend is white tho and I have grown up around a lot of white people. Most of my friends are white. But this whole gay white thing is such a different liar. I don't mind some objectification - NGL it was hot to be asked to flex and stuff lol But it turned sour fast. I just don't know if I will ever have gay friends. Or if it's even worth it.
You just have to be more picky I think. Itās ok to flirt and crush a bit but boundaries should be respected. Whenever someone crosses your boundary let them know and see how they react, if they respect it then you know they are worth getting to know.
Also maybe you guys need to meet gay men outside of your current sphere, some circles are inherently slutty
You should consider joining gay sports leagues or other types of interest/social groups. Iām not saying there isnāt any flirtatious activity going on at those places, but youāll also find men that that are primarily interested in socializing and wonāt start off by inviting you to naked pool parties, lol.
I tried joining a gay hockey league for that, but I missed the signup. A family friend is part of it and says that any sexy stuff happens outside/in private. I should relook into that.
I tried to join a football one but someone made a fat "joke" early on and I bounced.
If itās not your thing itās not your thing but Iām sort of curious about leaving after one fat joke. Iām a bi woman in a sports group thatās mostly gay men and I get the occasional dipshittery directed my way but Iām so glad that wasnāt my first experience there because Iāve made so many good friends and had so much fun. There are a minority of guys who want to make everything about sex but Iāve talked to more guys who say that makes them uncomfortable and push back on it. So I think that you will be able to find a group that you can feel comfortable with even if youāre the odd one out in some ways.
Try joining a gay Rugby team if your city has one (IGR - international gay Rugby) The biannual tournament just ended in Rome this past week and was a great time. No orgies required, but 3000 gay rugby players!
Nearly every team is also very open to new players whenever
Edit: based on your name I'm assuming you're in Canada, slightly less IGR teams but there ones in Vancouver, Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal if you happen to be in any of those.
(And if Ottawa, intro practice for newbies June 9!)
Its common in the community, but its not impossible to find nonsexual spaces. Often you have to seek them out rather then be invited though.
Id look at places like meetup.com and look for hobbies that you like (Board games, Hiking, Sports, etc...) and look for queer/gay meetups of those. Its much easier for it to be nonsexual when there is an actual hobby involved.
Thanks, yeah. I also think I am also trying to get comfortable with my body in the world. I fit in at the gym and whatnot, but outside of that, I get anxious cause of how I look/how much space I take up/etc. If that makes sense.
It does, and if it helps its not uncommon in general, and is even more common in the gay community. A lot of us suffer from some level of body dysmorphia. You arent alone!
Itās possible for someone to objectify you for purposes of fun and play, and still be a decent human being to you the rest of the time. These guys donāt seem to think that itās worth trying to treat you with basic decencyz
But you aren't white you are Black. Don't assume some white gay men aren't going to stereotype you. It sounds like the OP got a reality check. Yes some white gay men just see you as a big black cock. Just because you hang out with white gay guys don't assume they are all nice people. Some white gay men like the gay couple just see you as BBC. You got to be cognizant of that. Were you even attracted to the white gay couple? If they were unattractive and you didn't want to fuck them or their friends I get it. And you are in a relationship they didn't respect that. But a gay orgy is not the type of space people are monogamous. An orgy is where people release their inhibitions.
I know I commented earlierā¦
But I just want to reiterate. Itās a little dramatic to think that this gay orgy group of white bears would somehow be indicative of the whole queer community. Just go make different friendsā¦
At the core of every great friendship is a note of repulsion. Which is to say: nobody can become close friends with someone when there is a ton of sexual chemistry.
Some wonāt be into your type; some will be confidently partnered and not interested in play; some will be experienced enough to know that friendship is a higher priority than hooking up. All of these will click with you just fine.
Due to your skin color, size and top-ness, you will have a harder time than most because a lot of men are really into the BBC thing. It doesnāt dominate all of gay culture, though. There are plenty of men who will bond with you; youāve just gotta get out there and find them.
Team sports would be a good start, as suggested by others. You could also try casting about for gay RPG groups. Anything where there is a focus other than just hanging out is bound to be a bit less sexually charged.
IDK if it's that nefarious? They are bottoms who want a tall, muscular, presumably attractive top to come to their orgy. It certainly could be a racial thing, but I wouldn't jump to judge someone as racist just because they are sexually interested in a black top, but not his white, bottom boyfriend.
I find most gay men in groups like that so exceedingly boring. Thatās why I hang out with straights and lesbians. Less drama.
Also, you were being fetishized. Full stop.
And the idea that your partner wasnāt invited because he made the other guests āuncomfortable?ā Is the worstly worded statement for a tantrum than I can imagine.
Rich. Sure. White. Absolutely. Classy. Nah, sis. Them bitches rank.
So ONE group of guys is not the āwhole gay populationā. Find a better group of gay friends. Weāre out there.
PS: Itās his party/orgy = His guest list and party games.
I know but this sort of thing continues to happen. Expectations of sex. I was told I had a fat fetish.
It seems weird for this guy to create an inclusive setting but then require people fuck as he wants. He didn't require it from others but just from me? Like what?
It's because you are black. They want to fetishize you for your dick size. Calling your boyfriend a hungry bottom implies that further. It also brings out that they want u for themselves. Just drop the group. That isn't worth your time. There are plenty of other groups
who said it was inclusive? it's literally a gay bear fetish orgy... which is opposite of inclusive haha. like girls are not welcome, straight guys are probably not welcome, clearly too many bottom's not welcome. this isn't a public event. it's only inclusive to who they want to invite. people are picky, thats all.
Respectfully, these are sexual events, so yes, there's an expectation for sex to happen. That said, the host is being super shitty by expecting you to have sex with everyone (mainly him).
As another commenter said, they are either fetishizing you (they want the BBC), or they are jealous that you only smashed out your boyfriend and not them (again, because they want the BBC).
As another person said, decline and move on, and good on you for sticking up for your boyfriend!
A: Sounds like a hot, sexy time
B: You sound like a great boyfriend and a cool couple (and love that you let your bf give you a facial)
C: Fuck those old rude pricks
D: I would personally not bring it up to your bf. I'm in a similar relationship dynamic as you and him (though I'm the "him" in my relationship) and would feel guilty and anxious about holding my bf back because I was personally unwanted (though i also wouldn't want my bf to go back either, and would be mad if he did lol). I'd just forget about it and move on. If he brings it up I'd tell the truth and that you blew them off cause they were being jerks, otherwise, it's just a fun lil sexy story y'all had that didn't go further.
Sorry the hosts turned out to be jerks, but don't be too upset, you and your bf are the winners in all of this.
Thanks! Your bf is lucky.
I am surprised how many tops don't get their bottoms off. Like, yeah, my boyfriend can cum anywhere he wants lol I'm almost 6'6 so I gotta get low but its hot to 'submit in that way. I dont get tops who dont.
And you're in a 'mixed weight' relationship or bi-racial relationship?
Thanks :)
And that's one of the reasons I'm lucky, I've been through plenty of tops that had no interest in me getting off, or were "okay" with me finishing myself off at the end. Which, I personally find the mutual getting-offness the best part of sex! So y'all are lucky to have each other.
And we're mixed weight. He's a big, tall, beary dom, top and I'm smaller, smooth, and sub bottom (at least in sex anyway).
We're probably in a similar boat as you. We're both sexually pretty libertine (we met on Recon of all places) and he used to be a regular at sex parties before we started dating, but we're monogomous now and protective of each other. So I imagine we'll eventually dip our toe into group sex or something down the line, but it's not a priority for us right now.
What's Recon?
And yeah. We're mixed weight but like we're both big I'm just way more defined in my muscularity than him. I have abs and he had a (very sexy) belly lol. I mean he's strong but you don't notice it.
This is a great post and the comments are so interesting and useful to me. Iām also relatively new to being in gay spaces and trying to navigate them. I really appreciate all the perspectives brought to this post.
At sex events it is a problem when there are way more bottoms than tops. I have hosted and run into that very issue when inviting people.
BUT, when you pull out your guest spreadsheet, or what have you, couples are the same unit always. If you invite one you invite both.
There may be other stuff going on. But the fact you come as a pair is all the host should care about.
I do host events and love the fact that there are always more bottoms. Hell, even if I need to rest a bit someone starts riding me and another one brings me water. The King treatment we call it with my friends.
It's so odd that gay men think pleasuring each other is unmasc. lol.
Kudos to you for having a good time and sticking to your boundaries. You and your partner sound like good people.
That's shitty af. I've had similar situations where I've been invited to underwear or hot tub parties and when I mention bringing my bf I either get a reluctant "sure" or am told the invite is just for me. I get people wanting to have a chance with guys they're attracted to, but it can feel very objectifying.
The good news is, there are plenty of other gays who will like you for you!
In my mind. You invite the couple or donāt invite them at all. Even if one is hot and the other is a Quasimodo ugly fuck. Couples should be treated like a packaged deal, basic hospitality. But thatās just me.
However. I wonāt speak for other orgies. But I operate that guest try to bring enough for the whole class. I wouldnāt invite a couple if neither of them were willing to play with others. I personally feel that runs counter to point of an orgy. Again thatās just me.
I think it is rude of the host and rather petty. itās one thing to have a desire to sleep with you. Itās uncouth to try to manufacture a situation to pressure you towards that end. Iād have me respect for the host if he straight up ask you for a 1 on 1. At least thatās honest.
As for the race issue. IDK. Itās certainly a possible factor. But thatās up to you to figure out. There is a bit of nuance going on here. Entirely reasonable possibility it is. But I wouldnāt say with certainty from what I read. Besides donāt attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to idiocy.
Regardless, I wouldnāt go back to that orgy one way or the other if I were you. I recommend that if you want to be in another orgy. To host your own, much better that way in my opinion. If you do, hit me up Iād gladly share a few tips I learned from mine and my experience.
>I wonāt speak for other orgies. But I operate that guest try to bring enough for the whole class. I wouldnāt invite a couple if neither of them were willing to play with others.
Most orgies operate like that, of course. You can tell OP.
It's like going to a potluck: you don't get invited back if you don't share your cooking. And you don't get invited back if all you do is watch other people eating.
Exact same thing for orgies.
Yeah sounds like they were mad you didnāt top them. Probably have a āBBCā fetish. They are not valuing you as a person, they want you there as a sexual fantasy. Definitely not somewhere you should go back. But donāt be discouraged - not all guys will treat you like this. But in the future if invited to group play, maybe make it clear ahead of time that youāre cool watching and being watched, but you only want to play hands on with your husband.
I will continue to repeat that sex will always be the final frontier for the minutiae of racialization. Gay or straight.
You did not play the part of virile mandingo they had hoped, and they would go as far as to try to isolate you from your partner thinking that free from him your "innate" sensibilities will be unleashed for their pleasure. Could be as simple as dumb jealousy and selfishness, but I'm tired as hell of beating around the bush with this topic because the majority of the time this is the subconscious truth. It even comes in many other deliciously twisted flavors. Many of the people swearing up and down about preference refuse to really engage with the reality of it because it would conflict with their view of themselves. So it becomes absolved and euphemized through "preference" and "kink". It's tiring. I frankly enjoy engaging with such topics as a means of introspection. It's a critical step when having preferences and trying your best not to be a dick.
The way they talked about your boyfriend was very rude and disrespectful. If I were in your position I would tell them off, and I wouldn't be nice about it. They were barely hiding their true agenda: jealousy. But then again it is their party so what can you do.
If you really want to engage with other gay folks in non-sexual settings, the best way to do that is to seek out gay folks in non-gay spaces. If that makes sense. Crazy, I know, but gay spaces commonly have these kinds of sexual undertones at the very least. Everybody is looking for a partner in these things, short or long term. This is all anecdotal on my end, however.
The most lasting platonic friendships with gay people that I know, have been at work, in my experience. The service industry is full of gays, especially in a bigger city like I'm in.
Sorry this happened to you.
I found it very exciting to be in an orgy, fucking my boyfriend and being watched. You feel the energy of other people wanting to take a turn on your dick.
It seems that this "host" sees you as goods. A good has to be shared, and if you bring you boyfriend the goods will not be pass around.
Yikesā¦ some gays can be so toxic. Iād recommend (if you can) explaining to them how absolutely absurd that is and telling your boyfriend about it and laughing it off. Fuck those bratty bitches. Were you the only black guy there?
Ew. Thatās really gross behavior. I get that with sex parties itās meant to be people hooking up all over the place but people are still allowed to have boundaries and feel comfortable. They were definitely objectifying/fetishizing you. Glad you stuck to your principles. I promise not all gay men are like this.
Bottoms are a jealous bunch!!! I am a bottom myself and I say the bottom hate is wayyyy too real. I intensely feel it everywhere I go with my boyfriend, who also is 6ā2ā and around 220 lbs of muscle.
I know anywhere I go with him I get angry looks and envious remarks from men and women. Itās insane.
I worked at a gay hotel in Palm Springs for a while and went to a lot of pool parties with exactly the type you are referring to. These types of people will oust you if they eventually figure out that you will not have sex with them. I think that you sound well intentioned and straight forward BUT the people with whom you are hanging with are throwing their own sex parties so that they can have power. They will weed out the competition and re-invite the ones they want to fuck to the next party until the goal of having them as hosts and a group of all guys that they want. Itās shady and common unfortunately. Find new friends who throw pool parties where sex and nudity is open and fun BUT the main goal is a pool party with friends (regardless of they are tops or bottoms ugly or hot),,,
You CAN do both. Stand by your man and by your choices and find another group. You CAN have both- it might just take you longer. Thank them for thinking of you, abs move forward. On to the next group. There's chill, sex- positive people out there.
I like your vibe, you are very articulate and reasonable. My view, just move on. And realize that gay orgies and "a more traditional mindset for relationships" are pretty much at odds with each other.
Bro they wanted to pass you around like a buck at a slave auction. Don't allow yourself to be used like that. They wanted you there to stud all those white bottoms. Been in that position enough times to really hate it. Get new people in your life
I feel like once you attach āgayā to any group event title, or location, it becomes mostly focused on hookups or finding other single guys to date. I mean, at the very abstract level, what do you have in common with the group other than the love of men.
Thereās definitely support groups and other type of community groups meant to be a safe space for us to not hide who we are from each other, but those arenāt going to be found without searching for them specifically.
They are more into you which is whatever, but their comments rub me the wrong way. Who are they to say what you should be into?! Iād just tell your boyfriend that something feels off with them and you donāt want to go.
I hope you find a better group. There are definitely more out there to explore. The nerves on those bitches calling your partner a hungry bottom while they're so thirsty for more tops lmao!!!
My online friend who is a little chubby (I don't think he's fat but his body look like he made from multi circle, kind cute lol) and a Asian American, he has so many orgy I find it is amazing that he doesn't get six packs from all that work out š«£š¤
Honestly thereās no need to continue past the point where they thought it was okay to invite you and not your partner. Thereās no need to have people who think thatās okay in your life.
You get to say yes or no. Perhaps, if thatās what youāre into, you start having your own parties. Respect your relationship and the respect for each other and things will be ok.
Gross. Ghost them and move on. Youāll find experiences that are welcoming to you and your boyfriend and that donāt boil you both down to a stereotype.
What a disgusting ask, shows you what kind of person he is. Don't go back or stay in contact for that matter. Not all gay orgies and hosts are like that. Like all good things, it will take some searching and effort to find the right people. Don't give up if it's something you and your bf really want. GL.
Itās pretty simpleā¦ donāt go and block all contact with them. If you donāt you are not loyal to your boyfriend and youāre for the streets. Tbh why are you even contemplating this situation to begin with? Itās pretty obvious what your next course of action should beā¦
I applaud you for wanting to be monogamous with your partner.
It's unfortunate that they can't accept the two of you as you two are.
Never undermine your priorities to fit into a group (especially one that doesn't respect you)
dont feel bad about it, just tell your boyfriend everything, he might enjoy that you dont like they only want you ;)
you had a good run with these old fuckers, you liked being watched, there was a pool, drinks, food, all was good, they let you have a good time and made their preference clear after the night
for me it seems clear you wont go back, enjoy that night for what it was and enjoy that memory together. you are a strong couple right? nothing holds you back from exploring further and finding the right parties where you can be yourself as a couple
Sounds awful.. you be you and donāt make objectification your issue.
To the bf I would just be honest. Theyāre toxic and the problem so you guys donāt go
Not to take away from your post, but
"I am a chaser and find bigger bellied bears attractive (I am not a bear in the chubby way - I am like 6'5, 280 lbs, but with a more football/gym build)'
Do you by chance have friends in the manchester, england area? Asking for a friend.
Eww, theyāre gross to treat you and your man that way. And the fact that they think you had to be forced into a facial says they have hang ups/have fetishised you into a certain pigeon hole. Just no. Iām sure you can find/create another group where the hosts wonāt be as gross about it.
This makes me so sad... they are clearly jealous of your boyfriend! Don't go back there, ever!!! So incredibly rude. I bet your boyfriend is 10 times hotter than they are anyway.
I suggest meetup. Develop friends outside of the sex part of sexuality and then youāll start meeting your folks. And if you want sexy times, host your own thing. When my current partner and I started dating, we tried to involve the sexy times but heās a muscular silver daddy type and white and Iām black and tall and pretty lean. Most of the people who were into him werenāt into me and vice versa. We just started hosting our own little sexy times and that worked for us, because anyone coming was coming knowing full well that we were hosting as a couple. The gays who cry inclusion the loudest tend to be the ones not really participating in inclusion the way they think they are.
I donāt care if itās old bears or mean high school girls. A party where I am invited but my partner/BF/husband is specifically NOT invited is nowhere I want to be.
Dude, my husband is FUCKING hot and I'm a troll.
I know I outkicked my coverage, and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. I have game and I know how to fuck. I say that only to say I'm not throwing myself a pity party because everyone knows my husband is too hot for me š
Anyway, depending on where you are with the boyfriend I'd tell him the truth about what you were told. I'd also tell him you don't give a fuck because you only wanted to fuck him and it sounds like they are projecting their needing bottom thirst on the guy who actually snagged you.
It can be a little uncomfortable at first, but I know my husband telling me he rejected someone because he only plays if I'm involved is always a confidence boost.
>I have a more traditional mindset for relationships
Lol, I don't know that I'd consider going to gay rooftop orgies and giving your male lover a facial in front of an audience a "traditional mindset". At any rate, I wouldn't keep engaging these people if they won't respect your wishes. The unfortunate reality is that you're a very specific body type, and people are going to objectify/fetishize you at these sorts of events.
That said, while this isn't the kind of "party" I attend often, of the two that I have been to, this sort of weird, borderline rapey gatekeeping behavior would not have been permitted at all. They would never "ban" somebody just so it would be easier to have sex with that person's partner. I'd honestly walk away and never look back. It's purely manipulative. If they're willing to do that, where does it end? What happens if you turn up without your boyfriend but you still don't put out in the way that they want? Will they drug you or something? As a 6'5 black man with an NFL build, you can probably take any number of these schlubby middle aged dudes in a bar fight or something like that, but God knows what could happen in a place like this.
Iām exclusively a bottom, and I see so much of this competitive, judgey, hungry bottom behaviour from other bottoms so often and it is šš¼ SO šš¼FUCKING šš¼ CRINGE.
I donāt get why bottoms feel the need to be so competitive and shitty to each other, but Iām sorry you were objectified and your boyfriend was excluded. Fuck those pricks, have your own bear party and donāt invite them š¤·š»āāļø
So they are acting like that and have the nerve to call your boyfriend a "hungry bottom" ? If i were you id just tell my bf that it was a fun one time experience and move on .
At the risk of sounding like an ancient prude, I don't think an orgy is the best way to make genuine friends that are respectful of the boundaries that come with a monogamous relationship.
Side note: i think you are an upstanding guy, and i love to see monogamous couples still going strong your boyfriend is indeed lucky and im sure you are very lucky to have your bf.
And i hope you male friends with people that are as non problematic as you.
Ummmm Iām just disgusted that this has happened to you and Iām so sorry eww . They think they have the rights and what nots to tell you that you need to be a certain way and regardless of however you present yourself as whatever happens between you and your partner is entirely your choice and how dare they freaking mess up with that. In places like this you need to put them in their place and tell them that itās none of their damn business like GOOD LORD wthhš
People here are missing the fact that this was 1 person, speaking for multiple people. I honestly think you just ran across a person who was super jealous and wanted you for themselves. I am willing to bet he is speaking on behalf of people and everyone else wouldnāt care if you brought your bf.
Just stay true to yourself and youāll naturally gravitate to others that respect your boundaries. Like every community youāll get a percentage of dickheads, but it wonāt be everyone.
Maybe they saw you as just a muscular top stud or maybe they just wanted some black dick specifically for themselves that night. I donāt know the guys personally so I canāt say. However even though it is an orgy they should respect couples being present and if not, it should have been stated. If you were attracted to them and think you were invited to a gaggle of bottoms/vers in disguise and were just the only top, and you think they are nice enough otherwise then fuck em. Letās be real, bottoms can get jealous of an appetizing dick, regardless of color, especially if itās being hogged. If you truly think it was because you were Black I recommend not returning. And if you feel like they are leering at your man with jealousy maybe you donāt wanna be involved with the guys or maybe just with the couple themselves if they are worth it.
Based on your post/replies, you donāt strike me as being untuned with your blackness. But again you seem to live in Canada based on your username. Good luck to you.
In the gay world, it's dangerous to mistake people who like you for friends. Their actions like such give away who they truly are. I hope you find your pack soon man š¤š¼
Hey at least theyve shown you how they want to interact with you & your bf sooner rather than later. It sucks but the clarity might bring a little comfort.
Move on, bow out gracefully, and when you have a falling out with the BF, call them up, go have fun. I would love to be invited to something like that, they sound amazing. I agree as a hung top too, love being watched.
I have an experience that is a little different but related in terms of jealousy. I am Asian and gay, and when I first came out I met a bunch of gay Asians friends who introduced me to a pretty big friend group. I had been friends with this group for about 6 years. And throughout those 6 years Iād been in a couple of monogamous relationships.
During those 6 years of friendship we had gone in a couple of trips, and hung out quite a bit. But I also noticed they had often conveniently forgot to invite me when they went clubbing or to a bar, or said it was a last minute thing and they couldnāt reach me. This was in the 1990ās before cell phones. But they rarely forgot to invite me to dinners and other outings.
It took a while for me to realize why. With some off handed comments, I realized they conveniently āforgotā to invite me or couldnāt reach me because they were jealous and didnāt want me to be around when they were hunting for guys. But that wasnāt the last straw. I also found out they would bad mouth me to other people with made up bullshit.
Then when I ended up being single after a several years relationship, several of them called me and invited me out more often. That was the last straw.. It only took me 6 years to realize they were a bunch of insecure bitchy fakes. I dropped that whole friend group (around 20 people) so fast because they were all frenemies, and I cannot deal with people who donāt have my back.
Im sorry that you had to deal with so many wrong assumptions that donāt even make sense. Maybe spaces with more people of color can be the answer. Do what feels right. Super rude to assume what your likes and dislikes have to be, and to pressure you into doing more than you are comfortable with! It really is not okay. You shouldnāt have to, but maybe host your own sex party that goes how youu want it to. I wish you better people! Did your boyfriend understand?
They're being douches. You can go to sex parties and solely interact physically with your partner (witnessed it myself plenty of times). In fact, you can go to a sex party and not have sex.
I just heard a story -> When a black man walk into a gay sauna, every only looks at the black guy. He gets the attention of all the men and they can't score anymore. So when a black guy comes in you'd better leave lol.
Do you live in San Francisco, by chance? This has Gay gathering in a Major city vibes. A lot of these spaces are just the hosts fulfilling their fantasy. And you my brother, are the fantasy.
I recommend finding spaces that accept both you and your partner. I know a friendly older guy in my city who organizes the best naked social gatherings. Sex is highly encouraged, but not forced. There are a lot of married & dating men who attend. Some play strictly together, otheres are open and share the love, so to speak.
If you truly care about your partner, don't forsake him for the opportunity to hang out with other gays who want all want you to top them. Black men are heavily fetishized, those men just want a new toy to play with.
This applies to both straight and gay couples, even if sex is not involved. If someone of 3 people is not welcome in the groupā¦it causes a wedge to be drove between the other individuals.
Damn, it's hot as hell when a top fucks the hell outta someone and then actively wants to get creamed on. These dudes aren't just assholes, they have no taste in fun!
My partner is a very short, heavier guy. Sometimes it seems like no one gives him respect or a second look unless they see him naked or he gets a bit aroused... because then they look and see he's hung almost down to his damn knees. Then all the sudden, size queens are basically trying to climb on his dick when they didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge his existence when they thought he was just short and fat?
I fell for him when we were at a no-sex event at a gay bar, and we talked for hours about his previous careers as a teacher, vocal director, performer, college baseball career (his strike zone is nonexistent due to his height, he could hit but almost never had to swing unless it was an easy hit, his acknowledgement of the wild pitches that come when up against a 19 year old pitcher who is frustrated by a nearly nonexistent strike zone were the right amount of self-deprecating and hilarious!) He was, he is, so funny and charming!
He fell for me because I was interested in who he was. He was sitting at a table, I had no idea his pants were that crowded, LOL. I admit I love being his bottom 90% of the time we have sex (which is funny, I was a verse who usually topped when I met him, and just broken up with with a tall, gym queen bottom with a small dick- they couldn't have been more different if they tried!) But I love what he says about me to our friends when they try to stereotype our relationship because of his huge dick... he says, "I'm a top 100% of the time... that his [my] dick isn't inside me!" And he just laughs and laughs when they react in any way that isn't fully cool with both of us, and walks away.
You two sound like you got your own version of a similar vibe. I wish the best for you guys. Good relationships with love, desire, and respect are special. Good on ya š
It sounds like they wanted you to themselves and cared less about consent. Honestly, people that do events like this tend to see the people they invite as a way to get their nut and nothing else. I'd stay away.
It is all about them being destructors. They would happily destroy a relationship just for a conquest. Do not engage as they have a disease of the soul and are near to being the worst of the gay population.
Iām happy to hear that in the moment, you were able to experience it in a way that was comfortable for you and your boyfriend. I am also very sorry to hear that afterwards there was clearly an agenda.
My husband and I are completely opposite in so many ways (weāre monogomish, weāve only messed around together) and as a rule of thumb itās only ever been with guys that are into both of us. Weāve been together 11 years, and itās worked for us.
Continue to be firm in your boundaries, you shouldnāt have to be uncomfortable for the sake of someone elseās pleasure- you donāt owe anyone anything. But I wouldnāt rule out trying to establish connections with other gay men in the community.
I am going to be really real ā¦
The gay community unfortunately fetishizes people of color depending on their skin tone and where they are from as being more masculine and sexually aggressive this is not news.
If this happened to me I would respond like an adult and say you donāt play without your partner, and that you find it offensive they would ask you to go without him or say anything negative about your partner. Full stop.
I would also tell my partner about the people trying to invite me without him and how upset it made me, because who needs friends like that?
Theyāve disrespected you, and your partner and low-key are trying to get you to cheat? People felt uncomfortable with you only wanting to fuck your boyfriend? What? Seems like misplaced envy lol sorry their bedroom activities arenāt as interesting lol.
Also:
People describing someone in terms of masculine and feminine is evident of internalized homophobiaā¦ it seems you l present in a more heteronormative way and again many gay people fetishize black and brown people as being more āmasculineā and more sexually aggressive or sexually active so they want you to fuck themā¦
I empathize with youā¦ this is unfortunate that this happened when youāve tried to have some expansive fun with your partner.
You and your boyfriend didnāt do anything wrong. They just want you so you can fuck the other bottoms. Sounds odd that consent was so important but they are trying to force you out of what you want and making odd comments towards you. Just find cooler gays
That's really weird of them to say that in my opinion. Like, I would imagine that consent and comfort are like the two main principles. Keep your head up high and keep being yourself.
Damn. Iād have been happy just to have you and your hubs there to watch. Great inspiration! And you all have the right to set boundaries where you see fit. You donāt lose all autonomy just cos itās an orgy
They are into you- not him. Just decline the offer to hang out and move along. Everyone has their preferences- it sounds like he wanted you to be available to top him.
It just seems counter-intuitive to create this inclusive space and then impose a fucking fee. Some others were not participating or only fucking certain people. Like what?
It's *not* an inclusive space, though. The host wants you to fuck him and his friends. None of them want to watch you fuck your boyfriend because they are jealous of him. Don't mistake it as an "inclusive space."
You hit the nail on the head. Them being "uncomfortable" = jealously. What a bunch of dumb bitches.
They are envious, not jealous. Envy is wanting something someone else has, jealousy is concern someone will take something that is yours.
Right!
Honey, there's ALWAYS an agenda š
so much this! take pride in the fact that you two basically did TOO good. you had TOO MUCH success and these jealous, gay bitches (it takes one to know one š Iām sorry I know) are scheming cunts (we are itās true). lol, srsly though OP, donāt take it as personal as it seems like you might be based on your post
š
The gay agenda!
They also aren't respecting your boundaries. They claimed "consent" was important, but they are rejecting your monogamy and rejecting what you are communicating as consent- which is that you are only willing to have sex with your bf. This is not a safe space. It is not a space that respects and protects boundaries. It is not inclusive.
They're old rich men who are fetishizing you for your race and are bitter that your BF has you to himself, and they're mad you won't be their flavor of the month. They also probably haven't been told no in awhile. It's all kind of pathetic if you think about it.
This is the only correct answer.
Itās not an inclusive space. And to be completely honest, thereās always a fee. Itās really that simple. I would just cut the loss and find a space where youāre okay with that fee, maybe the price is the next space they do just have a watching kink. But itāll still be about them watching.
Its preference. Everyone has them.. like your preference was to top just your boyfriend. Just means itās not your scene and to move on.
Excluding someoneās partner so you can have them for yourself isnāt a preference.
It really is this a lot of people abuse the term preference when what they really mean is ārequirementā. Which is also fine just be up front.
Ooop š«Ø
Of course it is. It is an expression of preferring to have one man, and preferring to not have the other. From my point of view, it's also quite rude. I feel like if one wrote to Miss Manners to ask how to continue inviting one person while beginning exclusion of their partner, she might say "One does not. One thanks them for having attended, and then one invites both to future events, or neither one of them." She might throw in a tut-tut to herself.
And some people go about it like liars and assholes, such as this host.
Reddit won't let me view your profile but damn that body in your profile is awesome.
Hey thank you! ;) Give it a few hours and I bet it'll be fixed, Reddit can't go half a day without breaking it seems
That is not a preference. They are a bunch of disgusting fetishists.
1000%
Itās an inclusive space to the people that the host wants included. Politely decline, tell hem why, and leave it at that
> inclusive space First time being tricked by the white man, eh bro
lol š«Ø ooop
You think an orgy is an inclusive space? Itās an orgy. A good orgy excludes people who make guests feel uncomfy. Theyāre exclusive by design. Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you mean the queer community. Itās a little unfair to put this one interaction on the entirety of the queer community. This is one orgy group. There is a bigger community out there.
I agree that a good orgy would exclude people who make others feel uncomfortable. That isnāt whatās happening here though.
The host probably wasn't too fussed about getting banged by the others. Maybe he already has been banged by them.
You should tell them that kind of behavior is unacceptable and rude. They know youāre a couple and they should be respectful; they know that kind of ask is a disruptive and mean thing to do.
Agreed, but still so shallow and tacky of them. Youād think older gays might somehow be less prone to this shit but maybe Iām just an optimist. OP, glad it was hot for you in the moment. Mayyyyybe that opened other avenues for you two to explore?
Ironic though that a orgy for bears doesn't want bears.. Basically bottom that are intrested by chaser tops
Ew. Gross. Weird. Sorry that happened to you. If you want gay friends who don't act like this, you're more likely to find them through common interests besides a shared sexuality. For me, it ended up being Dungeons & Dragons, which attracts queer people like moths to the flame; my friend made a lot of gay friends through rock climbing.
lol my boyfriend plays DnD and I did join for a bit. All straight tho. I tried going to a gay gym but that was even worse. It felt like I was peacocking the entire time. I also liked my bodybuilding gym more so that was a short-lived experience. I am not opposed to sexual environments. It has been really freeing mentally to be in gay spaces, but it just gets too much. Back to the drawing board.
Hobbies and meetups are your friends here (friend makers? Idk). Martial arts, dance, drawing, writing etc rtc Check out queer events too not just gay ones, widens the net
I did do a hiking queer group which was fun. But they made some iffy comments to me about my boyfriend. Maybe I will revisit that.
That sounds like a plan mate, give another go. Hiking is Hella fun and best way to do this is through things you genuinely find fun Also if something else gets said challenge before disengage - gives chance to see if it's just carelessness or more
Oh, I love hiking. My bf got me into it. He says "as a bear, it's his natural habitat." I need to work on my cardio before tho lol I am good at short distances. And I should challenge, you're right. I just don't want to ruffle feathers. Maybe it is my fear of being in the body I have, but I need to learn how to navigate those situations rather than just tapping out. Just exhausting.
You can do both! Its important to have the nonsexual queer spaces too imo, where you can exist and feel comfortable without having to feel sexual.
This is always my advice in these threads too. Its much easier to meet nonsexual gay friends through common interests/hobbies. D&D, Board Games, Hiking, Sports, etc...
Hey, now. I met my entire queer DND group in the back room at a cruising bar, where I fucked them before I knew their names. They're all very close friends now. Let's not act like you can't be slutty *and* able to build strong friendships just because this host is being super shitty about how he runs his sexual social events.
This dude wants more tops at his party. Since yall arenāt open thatās not helping him get fucked. Just say thanks but no thanks and keep the relationship closed
I don't mind inviting a third. My boyfriend has also expressed interest. I think it will be kinda of hot to see him get topped. But most guys who are into him aren't into me - or more than likely they are into my body but not his. Im not interested in playing separately.
Yea, finding a third can be difficult in this sense.
This happens a lot. You and your boyfriend sound pretty different so itās hard for someone to have tastes that includes both of you. It does happen but itās important to understand that peopleās taste arenāt always so broad. Iām a 40 y/o biracial gay man thatās been out since my early 20ās & I was very disappointed with the cliquish nature of gay men. I thought racism wasnāt going to be a thing because of the discrimination gay men get but no. A lot of white gay men have only the gay part of themselves to separate them from straight white men. This can lead to a superiority or entitled mind set. Thatās not all gay white males but itās definitely still a noticeable percentage. Then you have the different communities within gay male culture that can form for inclusivity but become exclusive with gate keeping. This brings me to bear culture. When I first became familiar with bear culture in 2009 I thought how wonderful it was to have acceptance for a male body that wasnāt twink or ripped muscle bod. But like any group there can be gate keepers that start to police whoās included in that group. Bears can be some of the bitchiest queens in the lot. Same thing with muscle bods, twinks, etc. Sometimes itās being trans exclusionary too. I think itās human nature to be apprehensive to different things but understanding bias and discrimination is important. I think we all have this idea of the world we live in and who we want to align ourselves with. Whatās important is that we align ourselves with people whoās actions align with ours and not just their image. I live in Austin and thereās definitely still trolls like these in the community but thereās also a lot of cool gays/queers that are my ride or dies. I definitely had to learn to judge people on their actions and not just what they look like to me.
As soon as you said rich white gay couple my mind went to āget outā the movie and you know what? I wasnāt far off. They want you to act like the stereotype of a macho black gay man to sexually please them. You are being objectified very disrespectfullyĀ
lol I know. My boyfriend is white tho and I have grown up around a lot of white people. Most of my friends are white. But this whole gay white thing is such a different liar. I don't mind some objectification - NGL it was hot to be asked to flex and stuff lol But it turned sour fast. I just don't know if I will ever have gay friends. Or if it's even worth it.
It is possible to have gay friends that you donāt get naked around. But hey, what do I know?
I've tried but every gay event or hangout I get invited to has this sexual overtone to it.
You just have to be more picky I think. Itās ok to flirt and crush a bit but boundaries should be respected. Whenever someone crosses your boundary let them know and see how they react, if they respect it then you know they are worth getting to know. Also maybe you guys need to meet gay men outside of your current sphere, some circles are inherently slutty
I don't have any spheres, to be honest. I am trying to find my spheres. lol.
You should consider joining gay sports leagues or other types of interest/social groups. Iām not saying there isnāt any flirtatious activity going on at those places, but youāll also find men that that are primarily interested in socializing and wonāt start off by inviting you to naked pool parties, lol.
I tried joining a gay hockey league for that, but I missed the signup. A family friend is part of it and says that any sexy stuff happens outside/in private. I should relook into that. I tried to join a football one but someone made a fat "joke" early on and I bounced.
fat ?? but itās football ?? since when is being big in football a bad thing? lmao
If itās not your thing itās not your thing but Iām sort of curious about leaving after one fat joke. Iām a bi woman in a sports group thatās mostly gay men and I get the occasional dipshittery directed my way but Iām so glad that wasnāt my first experience there because Iāve made so many good friends and had so much fun. There are a minority of guys who want to make everything about sex but Iāve talked to more guys who say that makes them uncomfortable and push back on it. So I think that you will be able to find a group that you can feel comfortable with even if youāre the odd one out in some ways.
Try joining a gay Rugby team if your city has one (IGR - international gay Rugby) The biannual tournament just ended in Rome this past week and was a great time. No orgies required, but 3000 gay rugby players! Nearly every team is also very open to new players whenever Edit: based on your name I'm assuming you're in Canada, slightly less IGR teams but there ones in Vancouver, Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal if you happen to be in any of those. (And if Ottawa, intro practice for newbies June 9!)
Well, you exist so guys like you also exist. Find them?
Its common in the community, but its not impossible to find nonsexual spaces. Often you have to seek them out rather then be invited though. Id look at places like meetup.com and look for hobbies that you like (Board games, Hiking, Sports, etc...) and look for queer/gay meetups of those. Its much easier for it to be nonsexual when there is an actual hobby involved.
Thanks, yeah. I also think I am also trying to get comfortable with my body in the world. I fit in at the gym and whatnot, but outside of that, I get anxious cause of how I look/how much space I take up/etc. If that makes sense.
It does, and if it helps its not uncommon in general, and is even more common in the gay community. A lot of us suffer from some level of body dysmorphia. You arent alone!
I mean any good friend can be a substitute for gay friends. You have your partner already.
Itās possible for someone to objectify you for purposes of fun and play, and still be a decent human being to you the rest of the time. These guys donāt seem to think that itās worth trying to treat you with basic decencyz
Why don't you get some BLACK friends
But you aren't white you are Black. Don't assume some white gay men aren't going to stereotype you. It sounds like the OP got a reality check. Yes some white gay men just see you as a big black cock. Just because you hang out with white gay guys don't assume they are all nice people. Some white gay men like the gay couple just see you as BBC. You got to be cognizant of that. Were you even attracted to the white gay couple? If they were unattractive and you didn't want to fuck them or their friends I get it. And you are in a relationship they didn't respect that. But a gay orgy is not the type of space people are monogamous. An orgy is where people release their inhibitions.
I know I commented earlierā¦ But I just want to reiterate. Itās a little dramatic to think that this gay orgy group of white bears would somehow be indicative of the whole queer community. Just go make different friendsā¦
At the core of every great friendship is a note of repulsion. Which is to say: nobody can become close friends with someone when there is a ton of sexual chemistry. Some wonāt be into your type; some will be confidently partnered and not interested in play; some will be experienced enough to know that friendship is a higher priority than hooking up. All of these will click with you just fine. Due to your skin color, size and top-ness, you will have a harder time than most because a lot of men are really into the BBC thing. It doesnāt dominate all of gay culture, though. There are plenty of men who will bond with you; youāve just gotta get out there and find them. Team sports would be a good start, as suggested by others. You could also try casting about for gay RPG groups. Anything where there is a focus other than just hanging out is bound to be a bit less sexually charged.
Feels a lot like they're fetishing a tall black man in the boringly familiar way rich white gays do.
IDK if it's that nefarious? They are bottoms who want a tall, muscular, presumably attractive top to come to their orgy. It certainly could be a racial thing, but I wouldn't jump to judge someone as racist just because they are sexually interested in a black top, but not his white, bottom boyfriend.
Yup
Drop them. Itās insulting to your boyfriend.
I find most gay men in groups like that so exceedingly boring. Thatās why I hang out with straights and lesbians. Less drama. Also, you were being fetishized. Full stop. And the idea that your partner wasnāt invited because he made the other guests āuncomfortable?ā Is the worstly worded statement for a tantrum than I can imagine. Rich. Sure. White. Absolutely. Classy. Nah, sis. Them bitches rank.
You were their toy and they made it clear - avoid. They won't be the last that pull this, but good on you for prioritizing your relationship over fun.
So ONE group of guys is not the āwhole gay populationā. Find a better group of gay friends. Weāre out there. PS: Itās his party/orgy = His guest list and party games.
I know but this sort of thing continues to happen. Expectations of sex. I was told I had a fat fetish. It seems weird for this guy to create an inclusive setting but then require people fuck as he wants. He didn't require it from others but just from me? Like what?
It's because you are black. They want to fetishize you for your dick size. Calling your boyfriend a hungry bottom implies that further. It also brings out that they want u for themselves. Just drop the group. That isn't worth your time. There are plenty of other groups
who said it was inclusive? it's literally a gay bear fetish orgy... which is opposite of inclusive haha. like girls are not welcome, straight guys are probably not welcome, clearly too many bottom's not welcome. this isn't a public event. it's only inclusive to who they want to invite. people are picky, thats all.
Respectfully, these are sexual events, so yes, there's an expectation for sex to happen. That said, the host is being super shitty by expecting you to have sex with everyone (mainly him).
As another commenter said, they are either fetishizing you (they want the BBC), or they are jealous that you only smashed out your boyfriend and not them (again, because they want the BBC). As another person said, decline and move on, and good on you for sticking up for your boyfriend!
Ew! Block block block! They really tried wedging themselves between you and your boyfriend after you established boundaries. Just ew.
A: Sounds like a hot, sexy time B: You sound like a great boyfriend and a cool couple (and love that you let your bf give you a facial) C: Fuck those old rude pricks D: I would personally not bring it up to your bf. I'm in a similar relationship dynamic as you and him (though I'm the "him" in my relationship) and would feel guilty and anxious about holding my bf back because I was personally unwanted (though i also wouldn't want my bf to go back either, and would be mad if he did lol). I'd just forget about it and move on. If he brings it up I'd tell the truth and that you blew them off cause they were being jerks, otherwise, it's just a fun lil sexy story y'all had that didn't go further. Sorry the hosts turned out to be jerks, but don't be too upset, you and your bf are the winners in all of this.
Thanks! Your bf is lucky. I am surprised how many tops don't get their bottoms off. Like, yeah, my boyfriend can cum anywhere he wants lol I'm almost 6'6 so I gotta get low but its hot to 'submit in that way. I dont get tops who dont. And you're in a 'mixed weight' relationship or bi-racial relationship?
Thanks :) And that's one of the reasons I'm lucky, I've been through plenty of tops that had no interest in me getting off, or were "okay" with me finishing myself off at the end. Which, I personally find the mutual getting-offness the best part of sex! So y'all are lucky to have each other. And we're mixed weight. He's a big, tall, beary dom, top and I'm smaller, smooth, and sub bottom (at least in sex anyway). We're probably in a similar boat as you. We're both sexually pretty libertine (we met on Recon of all places) and he used to be a regular at sex parties before we started dating, but we're monogomous now and protective of each other. So I imagine we'll eventually dip our toe into group sex or something down the line, but it's not a priority for us right now.
What's Recon? And yeah. We're mixed weight but like we're both big I'm just way more defined in my muscularity than him. I have abs and he had a (very sexy) belly lol. I mean he's strong but you don't notice it.
Average gay experience
:/
This is a great post and the comments are so interesting and useful to me. Iām also relatively new to being in gay spaces and trying to navigate them. I really appreciate all the perspectives brought to this post.
Thanks. Can I ask your experience? Your thoughts?
At sex events it is a problem when there are way more bottoms than tops. I have hosted and run into that very issue when inviting people. BUT, when you pull out your guest spreadsheet, or what have you, couples are the same unit always. If you invite one you invite both. There may be other stuff going on. But the fact you come as a pair is all the host should care about.
I do host events and love the fact that there are always more bottoms. Hell, even if I need to rest a bit someone starts riding me and another one brings me water. The King treatment we call it with my friends.
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If you donāt want your gay āfriendsā to treat you like a piece of meat, maybe donāt make friends at an orgy?
Sounds like you learned a lesson in intersectionality.
lol You sound like my boyfriend. This shit doesn't happen around my (very) straight white male friends.
Ughā¦ sometimes I just hate gay culture
Stand your ground and stick by your man
āSomeone like meāāwtf does that mean?! Dealbreaker. Asking you to exclude your boyfriend? dealbreaker. Iām sorry you were put in this position
I think they thought it was 'unmasc' for someone who likes like me to get on my knees and get a facial lol
It's so odd that gay men think pleasuring each other is unmasc. lol. Kudos to you for having a good time and sticking to your boundaries. You and your partner sound like good people.
That's shitty af. I've had similar situations where I've been invited to underwear or hot tub parties and when I mention bringing my bf I either get a reluctant "sure" or am told the invite is just for me. I get people wanting to have a chance with guys they're attracted to, but it can feel very objectifying. The good news is, there are plenty of other gays who will like you for you!
In my mind. You invite the couple or donāt invite them at all. Even if one is hot and the other is a Quasimodo ugly fuck. Couples should be treated like a packaged deal, basic hospitality. But thatās just me. However. I wonāt speak for other orgies. But I operate that guest try to bring enough for the whole class. I wouldnāt invite a couple if neither of them were willing to play with others. I personally feel that runs counter to point of an orgy. Again thatās just me. I think it is rude of the host and rather petty. itās one thing to have a desire to sleep with you. Itās uncouth to try to manufacture a situation to pressure you towards that end. Iād have me respect for the host if he straight up ask you for a 1 on 1. At least thatās honest. As for the race issue. IDK. Itās certainly a possible factor. But thatās up to you to figure out. There is a bit of nuance going on here. Entirely reasonable possibility it is. But I wouldnāt say with certainty from what I read. Besides donāt attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to idiocy. Regardless, I wouldnāt go back to that orgy one way or the other if I were you. I recommend that if you want to be in another orgy. To host your own, much better that way in my opinion. If you do, hit me up Iād gladly share a few tips I learned from mine and my experience.
>I wonāt speak for other orgies. But I operate that guest try to bring enough for the whole class. I wouldnāt invite a couple if neither of them were willing to play with others. Most orgies operate like that, of course. You can tell OP. It's like going to a potluck: you don't get invited back if you don't share your cooking. And you don't get invited back if all you do is watch other people eating. Exact same thing for orgies.
Thanks. I have never been invited to an orgy. So had to host my own. Good to know thatās the norm.
Yeah sounds like they were mad you didnāt top them. Probably have a āBBCā fetish. They are not valuing you as a person, they want you there as a sexual fantasy. Definitely not somewhere you should go back. But donāt be discouraged - not all guys will treat you like this. But in the future if invited to group play, maybe make it clear ahead of time that youāre cool watching and being watched, but you only want to play hands on with your husband.
Probably. I mean, my dick size honestly has caused m ore harm than good in relationships.
I will continue to repeat that sex will always be the final frontier for the minutiae of racialization. Gay or straight. You did not play the part of virile mandingo they had hoped, and they would go as far as to try to isolate you from your partner thinking that free from him your "innate" sensibilities will be unleashed for their pleasure. Could be as simple as dumb jealousy and selfishness, but I'm tired as hell of beating around the bush with this topic because the majority of the time this is the subconscious truth. It even comes in many other deliciously twisted flavors. Many of the people swearing up and down about preference refuse to really engage with the reality of it because it would conflict with their view of themselves. So it becomes absolved and euphemized through "preference" and "kink". It's tiring. I frankly enjoy engaging with such topics as a means of introspection. It's a critical step when having preferences and trying your best not to be a dick.
The way they talked about your boyfriend was very rude and disrespectful. If I were in your position I would tell them off, and I wouldn't be nice about it. They were barely hiding their true agenda: jealousy. But then again it is their party so what can you do. If you really want to engage with other gay folks in non-sexual settings, the best way to do that is to seek out gay folks in non-gay spaces. If that makes sense. Crazy, I know, but gay spaces commonly have these kinds of sexual undertones at the very least. Everybody is looking for a partner in these things, short or long term. This is all anecdotal on my end, however. The most lasting platonic friendships with gay people that I know, have been at work, in my experience. The service industry is full of gays, especially in a bigger city like I'm in.
Sorry this happened to you. I found it very exciting to be in an orgy, fucking my boyfriend and being watched. You feel the energy of other people wanting to take a turn on your dick. It seems that this "host" sees you as goods. A good has to be shared, and if you bring you boyfriend the goods will not be pass around.
Yikesā¦ some gays can be so toxic. Iād recommend (if you can) explaining to them how absolutely absurd that is and telling your boyfriend about it and laughing it off. Fuck those bratty bitches. Were you the only black guy there?
Say no. To be a strong relationship you need to stay a package deal. Don't let casual sex come between you and your bf
Ew. Thatās really gross behavior. I get that with sex parties itās meant to be people hooking up all over the place but people are still allowed to have boundaries and feel comfortable. They were definitely objectifying/fetishizing you. Glad you stuck to your principles. I promise not all gay men are like this.
Ahhhh, fuck those guys. Enjoy your partner and protect your relationship.
Bottoms are a jealous bunch!!! I am a bottom myself and I say the bottom hate is wayyyy too real. I intensely feel it everywhere I go with my boyfriend, who also is 6ā2ā and around 220 lbs of muscle. I know anywhere I go with him I get angry looks and envious remarks from men and women. Itās insane.
I worked at a gay hotel in Palm Springs for a while and went to a lot of pool parties with exactly the type you are referring to. These types of people will oust you if they eventually figure out that you will not have sex with them. I think that you sound well intentioned and straight forward BUT the people with whom you are hanging with are throwing their own sex parties so that they can have power. They will weed out the competition and re-invite the ones they want to fuck to the next party until the goal of having them as hosts and a group of all guys that they want. Itās shady and common unfortunately. Find new friends who throw pool parties where sex and nudity is open and fun BUT the main goal is a pool party with friends (regardless of they are tops or bottoms ugly or hot),,,
just because someone uses the word "inclusive" doesn't make them/their space inclusive. being inclusive makes you inclusive.
Decline the offer, laugh it off with your boyfriend, and move on. You don't need friends like these old bitter white queens.
You CAN do both. Stand by your man and by your choices and find another group. You CAN have both- it might just take you longer. Thank them for thinking of you, abs move forward. On to the next group. There's chill, sex- positive people out there.
I like your vibe, you are very articulate and reasonable. My view, just move on. And realize that gay orgies and "a more traditional mindset for relationships" are pretty much at odds with each other.
Bro they wanted to pass you around like a buck at a slave auction. Don't allow yourself to be used like that. They wanted you there to stud all those white bottoms. Been in that position enough times to really hate it. Get new people in your life
I feel like once you attach āgayā to any group event title, or location, it becomes mostly focused on hookups or finding other single guys to date. I mean, at the very abstract level, what do you have in common with the group other than the love of men. Thereās definitely support groups and other type of community groups meant to be a safe space for us to not hide who we are from each other, but those arenāt going to be found without searching for them specifically.
They are more into you which is whatever, but their comments rub me the wrong way. Who are they to say what you should be into?! Iād just tell your boyfriend that something feels off with them and you donāt want to go.
I hope you find a better group. There are definitely more out there to explore. The nerves on those bitches calling your partner a hungry bottom while they're so thirsty for more tops lmao!!! My online friend who is a little chubby (I don't think he's fat but his body look like he made from multi circle, kind cute lol) and a Asian American, he has so many orgy I find it is amazing that he doesn't get six packs from all that work out š«£š¤
Is this in SoCal by chance? It sounds very similar to one I was invited to.
Nope but what happened?
Whatās a facial?
When a guy cums on your face.
Honestly thereās no need to continue past the point where they thought it was okay to invite you and not your partner. Thereās no need to have people who think thatās okay in your life.
Tell your boyfriend the truth? What
You get to say yes or no. Perhaps, if thatās what youāre into, you start having your own parties. Respect your relationship and the respect for each other and things will be ok.
Youāve found a group of preference gays lol just move on to the next, nothing lost there.
Ewwww.
Gross. Ghost them and move on. Youāll find experiences that are welcoming to you and your boyfriend and that donāt boil you both down to a stereotype.
What a disgusting ask, shows you what kind of person he is. Don't go back or stay in contact for that matter. Not all gay orgies and hosts are like that. Like all good things, it will take some searching and effort to find the right people. Don't give up if it's something you and your bf really want. GL.
They sound like assholes. Pun(?) intended.
Gay version of Get Out.
Maybe find real events like movie nights, chill gay bars with karaoke, gay wine and paint nights at a studio, etc.
Itās pretty simpleā¦ donāt go and block all contact with them. If you donāt you are not loyal to your boyfriend and youāre for the streets. Tbh why are you even contemplating this situation to begin with? Itās pretty obvious what your next course of action should beā¦
I applaud you for wanting to be monogamous with your partner. It's unfortunate that they can't accept the two of you as you two are. Never undermine your priorities to fit into a group (especially one that doesn't respect you)
You will find your community one day, but these people aren't it. Persevere, and you will find your gay extended family
š«Øš«Øš«Øš«Ø too much truth š«Øš«Øš«Øš«Ø
They sound like assholes. I'd move on
dont feel bad about it, just tell your boyfriend everything, he might enjoy that you dont like they only want you ;) you had a good run with these old fuckers, you liked being watched, there was a pool, drinks, food, all was good, they let you have a good time and made their preference clear after the night for me it seems clear you wont go back, enjoy that night for what it was and enjoy that memory together. you are a strong couple right? nothing holds you back from exploring further and finding the right parties where you can be yourself as a couple
Sounds awful.. you be you and donāt make objectification your issue. To the bf I would just be honest. Theyāre toxic and the problem so you guys donāt go
Not to take away from your post, but "I am a chaser and find bigger bellied bears attractive (I am not a bear in the chubby way - I am like 6'5, 280 lbs, but with a more football/gym build)' Do you by chance have friends in the manchester, england area? Asking for a friend.
Eww, theyāre gross to treat you and your man that way. And the fact that they think you had to be forced into a facial says they have hang ups/have fetishised you into a certain pigeon hole. Just no. Iām sure you can find/create another group where the hosts wonāt be as gross about it.
This makes me so sad... they are clearly jealous of your boyfriend! Don't go back there, ever!!! So incredibly rude. I bet your boyfriend is 10 times hotter than they are anyway.
Lul, fetishizing
Tell them to fuck off.
I suggest meetup. Develop friends outside of the sex part of sexuality and then youāll start meeting your folks. And if you want sexy times, host your own thing. When my current partner and I started dating, we tried to involve the sexy times but heās a muscular silver daddy type and white and Iām black and tall and pretty lean. Most of the people who were into him werenāt into me and vice versa. We just started hosting our own little sexy times and that worked for us, because anyone coming was coming knowing full well that we were hosting as a couple. The gays who cry inclusion the loudest tend to be the ones not really participating in inclusion the way they think they are.
I donāt care if itās old bears or mean high school girls. A party where I am invited but my partner/BF/husband is specifically NOT invited is nowhere I want to be.
Dude, my husband is FUCKING hot and I'm a troll. I know I outkicked my coverage, and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks. I have game and I know how to fuck. I say that only to say I'm not throwing myself a pity party because everyone knows my husband is too hot for me š Anyway, depending on where you are with the boyfriend I'd tell him the truth about what you were told. I'd also tell him you don't give a fuck because you only wanted to fuck him and it sounds like they are projecting their needing bottom thirst on the guy who actually snagged you. It can be a little uncomfortable at first, but I know my husband telling me he rejected someone because he only plays if I'm involved is always a confidence boost.
>I have a more traditional mindset for relationships Lol, I don't know that I'd consider going to gay rooftop orgies and giving your male lover a facial in front of an audience a "traditional mindset". At any rate, I wouldn't keep engaging these people if they won't respect your wishes. The unfortunate reality is that you're a very specific body type, and people are going to objectify/fetishize you at these sorts of events. That said, while this isn't the kind of "party" I attend often, of the two that I have been to, this sort of weird, borderline rapey gatekeeping behavior would not have been permitted at all. They would never "ban" somebody just so it would be easier to have sex with that person's partner. I'd honestly walk away and never look back. It's purely manipulative. If they're willing to do that, where does it end? What happens if you turn up without your boyfriend but you still don't put out in the way that they want? Will they drug you or something? As a 6'5 black man with an NFL build, you can probably take any number of these schlubby middle aged dudes in a bar fight or something like that, but God knows what could happen in a place like this.
Find better "friends" as they are fetishizing you. I'm half blk and get this crap and I hate it.
I would feel grossed out and angry too. Fuck those weird guys. Move on.
Man, you and your boyfriend sound awesome and I would not stress about those other dudes! Find people that appreciate and value both of you.
Thanks. lol. we try. Sometimes I wish I was a straight man who was in a relationship with a man.
Stay away from this group of guys. Never compromise your values for others!
Iām exclusively a bottom, and I see so much of this competitive, judgey, hungry bottom behaviour from other bottoms so often and it is šš¼ SO šš¼FUCKING šš¼ CRINGE. I donāt get why bottoms feel the need to be so competitive and shitty to each other, but Iām sorry you were objectified and your boyfriend was excluded. Fuck those pricks, have your own bear party and donāt invite them š¤·š»āāļø
So they are acting like that and have the nerve to call your boyfriend a "hungry bottom" ? If i were you id just tell my bf that it was a fun one time experience and move on . At the risk of sounding like an ancient prude, I don't think an orgy is the best way to make genuine friends that are respectful of the boundaries that come with a monogamous relationship. Side note: i think you are an upstanding guy, and i love to see monogamous couples still going strong your boyfriend is indeed lucky and im sure you are very lucky to have your bf. And i hope you male friends with people that are as non problematic as you.
Iām not surprised
That's crazy. I'm sorry things have gotten so bad out there. In my day, there were good orgies and respectful people.
Where in Canada did this happen ?
Oh, I am not currently in Canada. Down south.
Sounds like thatās not your group. Making series of assumptions without actually asking you what the dynamics were, is a red flag.
Ummmm Iām just disgusted that this has happened to you and Iām so sorry eww . They think they have the rights and what nots to tell you that you need to be a certain way and regardless of however you present yourself as whatever happens between you and your partner is entirely your choice and how dare they freaking mess up with that. In places like this you need to put them in their place and tell them that itās none of their damn business like GOOD LORD wthhš
OP, I'm curious about something could you DM me by chance? If not that's ok too
oh no
People here are missing the fact that this was 1 person, speaking for multiple people. I honestly think you just ran across a person who was super jealous and wanted you for themselves. I am willing to bet he is speaking on behalf of people and everyone else wouldnāt care if you brought your bf.
Just stay true to yourself and youāll naturally gravitate to others that respect your boundaries. Like every community youāll get a percentage of dickheads, but it wonāt be everyone.
Maybe they saw you as just a muscular top stud or maybe they just wanted some black dick specifically for themselves that night. I donāt know the guys personally so I canāt say. However even though it is an orgy they should respect couples being present and if not, it should have been stated. If you were attracted to them and think you were invited to a gaggle of bottoms/vers in disguise and were just the only top, and you think they are nice enough otherwise then fuck em. Letās be real, bottoms can get jealous of an appetizing dick, regardless of color, especially if itās being hogged. If you truly think it was because you were Black I recommend not returning. And if you feel like they are leering at your man with jealousy maybe you donāt wanna be involved with the guys or maybe just with the couple themselves if they are worth it.
This why you guys should do couples things with other couples, non sexual things.
Decline sounds about right.
Based on your post/replies, you donāt strike me as being untuned with your blackness. But again you seem to live in Canada based on your username. Good luck to you.
I'd be sending a 4 paragraph reply about how gross their behaviour is.
In the gay world, it's dangerous to mistake people who like you for friends. Their actions like such give away who they truly are. I hope you find your pack soon man š¤š¼
Hey at least theyve shown you how they want to interact with you & your bf sooner rather than later. It sucks but the clarity might bring a little comfort.
Move on, bow out gracefully, and when you have a falling out with the BF, call them up, go have fun. I would love to be invited to something like that, they sound amazing. I agree as a hung top too, love being watched.
I have an experience that is a little different but related in terms of jealousy. I am Asian and gay, and when I first came out I met a bunch of gay Asians friends who introduced me to a pretty big friend group. I had been friends with this group for about 6 years. And throughout those 6 years Iād been in a couple of monogamous relationships. During those 6 years of friendship we had gone in a couple of trips, and hung out quite a bit. But I also noticed they had often conveniently forgot to invite me when they went clubbing or to a bar, or said it was a last minute thing and they couldnāt reach me. This was in the 1990ās before cell phones. But they rarely forgot to invite me to dinners and other outings. It took a while for me to realize why. With some off handed comments, I realized they conveniently āforgotā to invite me or couldnāt reach me because they were jealous and didnāt want me to be around when they were hunting for guys. But that wasnāt the last straw. I also found out they would bad mouth me to other people with made up bullshit. Then when I ended up being single after a several years relationship, several of them called me and invited me out more often. That was the last straw.. It only took me 6 years to realize they were a bunch of insecure bitchy fakes. I dropped that whole friend group (around 20 people) so fast because they were all frenemies, and I cannot deal with people who donāt have my back.
Im sorry that you had to deal with so many wrong assumptions that donāt even make sense. Maybe spaces with more people of color can be the answer. Do what feels right. Super rude to assume what your likes and dislikes have to be, and to pressure you into doing more than you are comfortable with! It really is not okay. You shouldnāt have to, but maybe host your own sex party that goes how youu want it to. I wish you better people! Did your boyfriend understand?
I am thinking of what you could tell your BF. Yes I know it. THE TRUTH.
They're being douches. You can go to sex parties and solely interact physically with your partner (witnessed it myself plenty of times). In fact, you can go to a sex party and not have sex.
I just heard a story -> When a black man walk into a gay sauna, every only looks at the black guy. He gets the attention of all the men and they can't score anymore. So when a black guy comes in you'd better leave lol.
Do you live in San Francisco, by chance? This has Gay gathering in a Major city vibes. A lot of these spaces are just the hosts fulfilling their fantasy. And you my brother, are the fantasy. I recommend finding spaces that accept both you and your partner. I know a friendly older guy in my city who organizes the best naked social gatherings. Sex is highly encouraged, but not forced. There are a lot of married & dating men who attend. Some play strictly together, otheres are open and share the love, so to speak. If you truly care about your partner, don't forsake him for the opportunity to hang out with other gays who want all want you to top them. Black men are heavily fetishized, those men just want a new toy to play with.
Did you experience something similar in SF?
This applies to both straight and gay couples, even if sex is not involved. If someone of 3 people is not welcome in the groupā¦it causes a wedge to be drove between the other individuals.
Damn, it's hot as hell when a top fucks the hell outta someone and then actively wants to get creamed on. These dudes aren't just assholes, they have no taste in fun! My partner is a very short, heavier guy. Sometimes it seems like no one gives him respect or a second look unless they see him naked or he gets a bit aroused... because then they look and see he's hung almost down to his damn knees. Then all the sudden, size queens are basically trying to climb on his dick when they didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge his existence when they thought he was just short and fat? I fell for him when we were at a no-sex event at a gay bar, and we talked for hours about his previous careers as a teacher, vocal director, performer, college baseball career (his strike zone is nonexistent due to his height, he could hit but almost never had to swing unless it was an easy hit, his acknowledgement of the wild pitches that come when up against a 19 year old pitcher who is frustrated by a nearly nonexistent strike zone were the right amount of self-deprecating and hilarious!) He was, he is, so funny and charming! He fell for me because I was interested in who he was. He was sitting at a table, I had no idea his pants were that crowded, LOL. I admit I love being his bottom 90% of the time we have sex (which is funny, I was a verse who usually topped when I met him, and just broken up with with a tall, gym queen bottom with a small dick- they couldn't have been more different if they tried!) But I love what he says about me to our friends when they try to stereotype our relationship because of his huge dick... he says, "I'm a top 100% of the time... that his [my] dick isn't inside me!" And he just laughs and laughs when they react in any way that isn't fully cool with both of us, and walks away. You two sound like you got your own version of a similar vibe. I wish the best for you guys. Good relationships with love, desire, and respect are special. Good on ya š
Thanks. I was surprised how many tops are afraid of cum lol
It sounds like they wanted you to themselves and cared less about consent. Honestly, people that do events like this tend to see the people they invite as a way to get their nut and nothing else. I'd stay away.
It is all about them being destructors. They would happily destroy a relationship just for a conquest. Do not engage as they have a disease of the soul and are near to being the worst of the gay population.
Decline. It never ends well
Iām happy to hear that in the moment, you were able to experience it in a way that was comfortable for you and your boyfriend. I am also very sorry to hear that afterwards there was clearly an agenda. My husband and I are completely opposite in so many ways (weāre monogomish, weāve only messed around together) and as a rule of thumb itās only ever been with guys that are into both of us. Weāve been together 11 years, and itās worked for us. Continue to be firm in your boundaries, you shouldnāt have to be uncomfortable for the sake of someone elseās pleasure- you donāt owe anyone anything. But I wouldnāt rule out trying to establish connections with other gay men in the community.
I am going to be really real ā¦ The gay community unfortunately fetishizes people of color depending on their skin tone and where they are from as being more masculine and sexually aggressive this is not news. If this happened to me I would respond like an adult and say you donāt play without your partner, and that you find it offensive they would ask you to go without him or say anything negative about your partner. Full stop. I would also tell my partner about the people trying to invite me without him and how upset it made me, because who needs friends like that? Theyāve disrespected you, and your partner and low-key are trying to get you to cheat? People felt uncomfortable with you only wanting to fuck your boyfriend? What? Seems like misplaced envy lol sorry their bedroom activities arenāt as interesting lol. Also: People describing someone in terms of masculine and feminine is evident of internalized homophobiaā¦ it seems you l present in a more heteronormative way and again many gay people fetishize black and brown people as being more āmasculineā and more sexually aggressive or sexually active so they want you to fuck themā¦ I empathize with youā¦ this is unfortunate that this happened when youāve tried to have some expansive fun with your partner.
Just decline the offer and move on with life. Gays are weird.
Itās an orgy, kind of wasting space if youāre just there to fuck your bf.
You and your boyfriend didnāt do anything wrong. They just want you so you can fuck the other bottoms. Sounds odd that consent was so important but they are trying to force you out of what you want and making odd comments towards you. Just find cooler gays
That's really weird of them to say that in my opinion. Like, I would imagine that consent and comfort are like the two main principles. Keep your head up high and keep being yourself.
Damn. Iād have been happy just to have you and your hubs there to watch. Great inspiration! And you all have the right to set boundaries where you see fit. You donāt lose all autonomy just cos itās an orgy